AndnoframeofmindwaseversoselfcontradictoryandyetsorealisticasthatwhichDickensdescribeswhenhesays，ineffect，that，thoughPinchknewnowthattherehadneverbeensuchapersonasPecksniff，inhisidealsense，hecouldnotbringhimselftoinsulttheveryfaceandformthathadcontainedthelegend。TheparallelwithLiberaljournalismisnotperfect；becauseitwasoncehonest；andPecksniffpresumablyneverwas。AndevenwhenIcometofeelafinalincompatibilityoftemper，PecksniffwasnotsoPecksniffianashehassincebecome。ButthecomparisoniscompleteinsofarasIshareallthereluctanceofMr。
Pinch。SomeoldheathenkingwasadvisedbyoneoftheCelticsaints，I
think，toburnwhathehadadoredandadorewhathehadburnt。Iamquiteready，ifanyonewillproveIwaswrong，toadorewhatIhaveburnt；butI
doreallyfeelanunwillingnessverginguponweaknesstoburningwhatI
haveadored。Ithinkitisaweaknesstobeovercomeintimesasbadasthese，whenasMr。Oragewrotewithsomethinglikesplendidcommonsensetheotherdaythereissuchalottodoandsofewpeoplewhowilldoit。
SoIwilldevotethisarticletoconsideringonecaseoftheastoundingbasenesstowhichLiberaljournalismhassunk。
MentalBreakdowninFleetStreetOneofthetwoorthreestreaksoflightonourhorizoncanbeperceivedinthis:thatthemoralbreakdownofthesepapershasbeenaccompaniedbyamentalbreakdownalso。Thecontemporaryofficialpaper，likethe"DailyNews"orthe"DailyChronicle"Imeaninsofarasitdealswithpolitics，simplycannotargue；andsimplydoesnotpretendtoargue。Itconsidersthesolutionwhichitimaginesthatwealthypeoplewant，anditsignifiesthesameintheusualmanner；whichisnotbyholdingupitshand，butbyfallingonitsface。Butthereisnomorecuriousqualityinitsdegradationthanasortofcarelessness，atonceofhurryandfatigue，withwhichitflingsdownitsargument——orratheritsrefusaltoargue。
Itdoesnotevenwritesophistry:itwritesanything。Itdoesnotsomuchpoisonthereader'smindassimplyassumethatthereaderhasn'tgotone。
Forinstance，oneofthesepapersprintedanarticleonSirStuartSamuel，who，havingbrokenthegreatLiberalstatuteagainstcorruption，willactually，perhaps，beaskedtopayhisownfine——inspiteofthefactthathecanwellaffordtodoso。Thearticlesays，ifIrememberaright，thatthedecisionwillcausegeneralsurpriseandsomeindignation。ThatanymodernGovernmentmakingaveryrichcapitalistobeythelawwillcausegeneralsurprise，maybetrue。WhetheritwillcausegeneralindignationratherdependsonwhetheroursocialintercourseisentirelyconfinedtoParkLane，oranysuchpigstiesbuiltofgold。Butthejournalistproceedstosay，hisneckrisinghigherandhigheroutofhiscollar，andhishairrisinghigherandhigheronhishead，inshort，hisresemblancetotheDickens'originalincreasingeveryinstant，thathedoesnotmeanthatthelawagainstcorruptionshouldbelessstringent，butthattheburdenshouldbebornebythewholecommunity。Thismaymeanthatwheneverarichmanbreaksthelaw，allthepoormenoughttobemadetopayhisfine。ButIwillsupposeaslightlylessinsanemeaning。Iwillsupposeitmeansthatthewholepowerofthecommonwealthshouldbeusedtoprosecuteanoffenderofthiskind。That，ofcourse，canonlymeanthatthematterwillbedecidedbythatinstrumentwhichstillpretendstorepresentthewholepowerofthecommonwealth。Inotherwords，theGovernmentwilljudgetheGovernment。
Nowthisisaperfectlyplainpieceofbrutelogic。Weneednotgointotheotherdeliciousthingsinthearticle，aswhenitsaysthat"inoldtimesParliamenthadtobeprotectedagainstRoyalinvasionbythemaninthestreet。"Parliamenthastobeprotectednowagainstthemaninthestreet。Parliamentissimplythemostdetestedandthemostdetestableofallournationalinstitutions:allthatisevidentenough。Whatisinterestingistheblankandstaringfallacyoftheattemptedreply。
WhentheJournalistIsRuinedAlongwhileago，beforealltheLiberalsdied，aLiberalintroducedaBilltopreventParliamentbeingmerelypackedwiththeslavesoffinancialinterests。Forthatpurposeheestablishedtheexcellentdemocraticprinciplethattheprivatecitizen，assuch，mightprotestagainstpubliccorruption。HewascalledtheCommonInformer。Ibelievethemiserablepartypapersarereallyreducedtoplayingonthedegradationofthetwowordsinmodernlanguage。Nowtheword"comnon"in"CommonInformer"meansexactlywhatitmeansin"commonsense"or"BookofCommonPrayer，"oraboveallin"HouseofCommons。"Itdoesnotmeananythingloworvulgar；anymorethantheydo。TheonlydifferenceisthattheHouseofCommonsreallyislowandvulgar；andtheCommonInformerisn't。Itisjustthesamewiththeword"Informer。"Itdoesnotmeanspyorsneak。Itmeansonewhogivesinformation。Itmeanswhat"journalist"oughttomean。TheonlydifferenceisthattheCommonInformermaybepaidifhetellsthetruth。Thecommonjournalistwillberuinedifhedoes。
Nowthequiteplainpointbeforethepartyjournalististhis:IfhereallymeansthatacorruptbargainbetweenaGovernmentandacontractoroughttobejudgedbypublicopinion，hemustnowadaysmeanParliament；
thatis，thecaucusthatcontrolsParliament。Andhemustdecidebetweenoneoftwoviews。EitherhemeansthatthereCanbenosuchthingasacorruptGovernment。OrhemeansthatitisoneofthecharacteristicqualitiesofacorruptGovernmenttodenounceitsowncorruption。Ilaugh；
andIleavehimhischoice。
THEFATIGUEOFFLEETSTREET
Whyisthemodernpartypoliticaljournalismsobad？Itisworseeventhanitintendstobe。Itpraisesitspreposterouspartyleadersthroughthickandthin；butitsomehowsucceedsinmakingthemlookgreaterfoolsthantheyare。Thisclumsinessclingseventothephotographsofpublicmen，astheyaresnapshottedatpublicmeetings。Asensitivepoliticianifthereissuchathingwould，Ishouldthink，wanttomurderthemanwhosnapshotshimatthosemoments。Forourgeneralimpressionofaman'sgestureorplayoffeatureismadeupofaseriesofvanishinginstants，atanyoneofwhichhemaylookworsethanourgeneralimpressionrecords。
Mr。AugustineBirrellmayhavemadequiteasensibleandamusingspeech，inthecourseofwhichhisaudiencewouldhardlyhavenoticedthatheresettledhisnecktie。Snapshothim，andheappearsasconvulsivelyclutchinghisthroatintheagoniesofstrangulation，andwithhisheadtwistedononesideasifhehadbeenhanged。SirEdwardCarsonmightmakeaperfectlygoodspeech，whichnoonethoughtwearisome，butmighthimselfbejusttiredenoughtoshiftfromonelegtotheother。Snapshothim，andheappearsasholdingonelegstifflyintheairandyawningenoughtoswallowtheaudience。ButitisintheprosenarrativesofthePressthatwefindmostmanifestationsofthisstrangeineptitude；thisknackofexhibitingyourownfavouritesinanunluckylight。Itisnotsomuchthatthepartyjournalistsdonottellthetruthasthattheytelljustenoughofittomakeitclearthattheyaretellinglies。Oneoftheirfavouriteblundersisanamazingsortofbathos。Theybeginbytellingyouthatsomestatesmansaidsomethingbrilliantinstyleorbitinginwit，atwhichhishearersthrilledwithterrororthunderedwithapplause。Andthentheytellyouwhatitwasthathesaid。Sillyasses!
InsaneExaggerationHereisanexamplefromaleadingLiberalpapertouchingthedebatesonHomeRule。IamaHomeRuler；somysympathieswouldbe，ifanything，onthesideoftheLiberalpaperuponthatpoint。Imerelyquoteitasanexampleofthisridiculouswayofwriting，which，byinsaneexaggeration，actuallymakesitsherolooksmallerthanheis。
Thiswasstrangelanguagetouseaboutthe"hypocriticalsham，"andMr。
Asquith，knowingthatthebiggestbattleofhiscareerwasuponhim，hitbackwithoutmercy。"Ishouldlikefirsttoknow，"saidhe，withaglanceathissupporters，"whethermyproposalsareaccepted？"
That'sall。AndIreallydonotseewhypoorMr。AsquithshouldberepresentedashavingviolatedtheChristianvirtueofmercybysayingthat。Imyselfcouldcomposeagreatmanyparagraphsuponthesamemodel，eachcontainingitsstingingandperhapsunscrupulousepigram。As，forexample:——"TheArchbishopofCanterbury，realisingthathischoicenowlaybetweendenyingGodandearningthecrownofmartyrdombydyingintorments，spokewithafrenzyofreligiouspassionthatmighthaveseemedfanaticalundercircumstanceslessintense。'TheChildren'sService，'hesaidfirmly，withhisfacetothecongregation，'willbeheldathalf-pastfourthisafternoonasusual。'"
Or，wemighthave:——"LordRoberts，recognisingthathehadnowtofaceArmageddon，andthatifhelostthislastbattleagainstoverwhelmingoddstheindependenceofEnglandwouldbeextinguishedforever，addressedtohissoldierslookingatthemandnotfallingoffhishorseaspeechwhichbroughttheirnationalpassionstoboilingpoint，andmightwellhaveseemedblood-thirstyinquietertimes。Itendedwiththecelebrateddeclarationthatitwasafineday。"
Orwemighthavethemuchgreaterexcitementofreadingsomethinglikethis:——"TheAstronomerRoyal，havingrealisedthattheearthwouldcertainlybesmashedtopiecesbyacometunlesshisrequestsinconnectionwithwirelesstelegraphywereseriouslyconsidered，gaveanaddressattheRoyalSocietywhich，underothercircumstances，wouldhaveseemedundulydogmaticandemotionalanddeficientinscientificagnosticism。Thisaddresswhichhedeliveredwithoutanyattempttostandonhisheadincludedafierceandevenferociousdeclarationthatitisgenerallyeasiertoseethestarsbynightthanbyday。"
Now，Icannotsee，onmyconscienceandreason，thatanyoneofmyimaginaryparagraphsismoreridiculousthantherealone。NobodycanbelievethatMr。AsquithregardsthesebelatedandcarefulcompromisesaboutHomeRuleas"thebiggestbattleofhiscareer。"Itisonlyjusticetohimtosaythathehashadbiggerbattlesthanthat。Nobodycanbelievethatanybodyofmen，bodilypresent，eitherthunderedorthrilledatamanmerelysayingthathewouldliketoknowwhetherhisproposalswereaccepted。No；itwouldbefarbetterforParliamentifitsdoorswereshutagain，andreporterswereexcluded。Inthatcase，theouterpublicdidheargenuinerumoursofalmostgiganticeloquence；suchasthatwhichhasperpetuatedPitt'sreplyagainstthechargeofyouth，orFox'sbludgeoningoftheideaofwarasacompromise。Itwouldbemuchbettertofollowtheoldfashionandletinnoreportersatallthantofollowthenewfashionandselectthestupidestreportersyoucanfind。
TheirLoadofLiesNow，whydopeopleinFleet-streettalksuchtosh？PeopleinFleet-streetarenotfools。Mostofthemhaverealisedrealitythroughwork；somethroughstarvation；somethroughdamnation，orsomethingdamnablylikeit。
Ithinkitissimplyandseriouslytruethattheyaretiredoftheirjob。
AsthegeneralsaidinM。Rostand'splay，"lafatigue!"
IdoreallybelievethatthisisoneofthewaysinwhichGoddon'tgetflurried，Natureifyoulikeisunexpectedlyavengedonthingsinfamousandunreasonable。Andthismethodisthatmen'smoralandevenphysicaltenacityactuallygiveoutundersuchaloadoflies。TheygoonwritingtheirleadingarticlesandtheirParliamentaryreports。Theygoondoingitasaconvictgoesonpickingoakum。Butthepointisnotthatweareboredwiththeirarticles；thepointisthattheyare。Theworkisdoneworsebecauseitisdoneweaklyandwithouthumanenthusiasm。Anditisdoneweaklybecauseofthetruthwehavetoldsomanytimesinthisbook:
thatitisnotdoneformonarchy，forwhichmenwilldie；orfordemocracy，forwhichmenwilldie；orevenforaristocracy，forwhichmanymenhavedied。ItisdoneforathingcalledCapitalism:whichstandsoutquiteclearlyinhistoryinmanycuriousways。Butthemostcuriousthingaboutitisthatnomanhaslovedit；andnomandiedforit。
THEAMNESTYFORAGGRESSION
Ifthereistoriseoutofallthisredruinsomethinglikearepublicofjustice，itisessentialthatourviewsshouldberealviews；thatis，glimpsesoflivesandlandscapesoutsideourselves。Itisessentialthattheyshouldnotbemereopiumvisionsthatbeginandendinsmoke——andsooftenincannonsmoke。Imakenoapology，therefore，forreturningtothepurelypracticalandrealisticpointIurgedlastweek:thefactthatweshallloseeverythingwemighthavegainedifwelosetheideathattheresponsiblepersonisresponsible。
Forinstance，itisalmostspeciallysowiththeoneortwothingsinwhichtheBritishGovernment，ortheBritishpublic，reallyarebehavingbadly。Thefirst，andworstofthem，isthenon-extensionoftheMoratorium，ortruceofdebtorandcreditor，totheveryworldwheretherearethepoorestdebtorsandthccruellestcreditors。Thisisinfamous:
andshouldbe，ifpossible，moreinfamoustothosewhothinkthewarrightthantothosewhothinkitwrong。Everyoneknowsthatthepeoplewhocanleastpaytheirdebtsarethepeoplewhoarealwaystryingto。Amongthepoorapaymentmaybeasrashasaspeculation。Amongtherichabankruptcymaybeassafeasabank。Consideringtheclassfromwhichprivatesoldiersaretaken，thereisanatrociousmeannessintheideaofbuyingtheirbloodabroad，whileweselltheirsticksathome。TheEnglishlanguage，bytheway，isfullofdelicateparadoxes。Wetalkoftheprivatesoldiersbecausetheyarereallypublicsoldiers；andwetalkofthepublicschoolsbecausetheyarereallyprivateschools。Anyhow，thewrongisofthesortthatoughttoberesisted，asmuchinwarasinpeace。
OughttoBeHammeredButaslongaswespeakofitasacloudyconclusion，cometobyananonymousclubcalledParliament，oramaskedtribunalcalledtheCabinet，weshallnevergetsuchawrongrighted。Somebodyisofficiallyresponsiblefortheunfairness；andthatsomebodyoughttobehammered。
Theotherexample，lessimportantbutmoreludicrous，isthesillyboycottofGermansinEngland，extendingeventoGermanmusic。IdonotbelieveforamomentthattheEnglishpeoplefeelanysuchinsanefastidiousness。
AretheEnglishartistswhopractisetheparticularlyEnglishartofwater-colourtobeforbiddentousePrussianblue？ArealloldladiestoshoottheirPomeraniandogs？ButthoughEnglandwouldlaughatthis，shewillgetthecreditofit，andwillcontinue:untilweaskwhotheactualpersonsarewhofeelsurethatweshouldshudderataballadoftheRhine。
Itiscertainthatweshouldfindtheyarecapitalists。Itisveryprobablethatweshouldfindtheyareforeigners。
SomedaysagotheOfficialCounciloftheIndependentLabourParty，ortheIndependentCounciloftheOfficialLabourParty，ortheIndependentandOfficialCounciloftheLabourPartyIhavegotquitenervousaboutthesenamesanddistinctions；buttheyallseemtosaythesamethingbegantheirmanifestobysayingitwouldbedifficulttoassignthedegreesofresponsibilitywhicheachnationhadfortheoutbreakofthewar。
Afterwards，awriterinthe"ChristianCommonwealth，"lamentingwarinthenameofLabour，butinthelanguageofmyownromanticmiddle-class，saidthatallthenationsmustsharetheresponsibilityforthisgreatcalamityofwar。Nowexactlyaslongaswegoontalkinglikethatweshallhavewarafterwar，andcalamityaftercalamity，untilthecrackofdoom。Itsimplyamountstoapromiseofpardontoanypersonwhowillstartaquarrel。Itisanamnestyforassassins。Themomentanymanassaultsanyothermanhemakesalltheothermenasbadashimself。Hehasonlytostab，andtovanishinafogofforgetfulness。Therealeaglesofiron，thepredatoryEmpires，willbedelightedwiththisdoctrine。TheywillapplaudtheLabourConcertorCommittee，orwhateveritiscalled。Theywillwillinglytakeallthecrime，withonlyaquarteroftheconscience:
theywillbeasreadytosharethememoryastheyaretosharethespoil。
ThePowerswilldivideresponsibilityascalmlyastheydividedPoland。
TheWholeLoathsomeLoadButIstillstubbornlyandmeeklysubmitmypoint:thatyoucannotendwarwithoutaskingwhobeganit。Ifyouthinksomebodyelse，notGermany，beganit，thenblamethatsomebodyelse:donotblameeverybodyandnobody。
Perhapsyouthinkthatasmallsovereignpeople，freshfromtwotriumphantwars，oughttodiscrownitselfbeforesunrise；becausethenephewofaneighbouringEmperorhasbeenshotbyhisownsubjects。Verywell。ThenblameServia；and，totheextentofyourinfluence，youmaybepreventingsmallkingdomsbeingobstinateorevenprincesbeingshot。
PerhapsyouthinkthewholethingwasahugeconspiracyofRussia，withFranceasadupeandServiaasapretext。Verywell。ThenblameRussia；
and，totheextentofyourinfluence，youmaybepreventinggreatEmpiresfrommakingracialexcusesforaraid。PerhapsyouthinkFrancewrongforfeelingwhatyoucall"revenge，"andIshouldcallrecoveryofstolengoods。PerhapsyoublameBelgiumforbeingsentimentalaboutherfrontier；
orEnglandforbeingsentimentalaboutherword。Ifso，blamethem；orwhicheverofthemyouthinkistoblame。Oragain，itisbarelypossiblethatyoumaythink，asIdo，thatthewholeloathsomeloadhasbeenlaiduponusbythemonarchywhichIhavenotnamed；stilllesswastedtimeinabusing。ButiftherebeinEuropeamilitaryStatewhichhasnotthereligionofRussia，yethashelpedRussiatotyranniseoverthePoles，thatStatecaresnotforreligion，butfortyranny。IftherebeaStateinEuropewhichhasnotthereligionoftheAustrians，buthashelpedAustriatobullytheServians，thatStatecaresnotforbelief，butforbullying。IftherebeinEuropeanypeopleorprincipalitywhichrespectsneitherrepublicsnorreligions，towhichthepoliticalidealofParisisasmuchamythasthemysticalidealofMoscow，thenblamethat:anddomorethanblame。InthehealthyandhighlytheologicalwordsofRobertBlatchford，driveitbacktotheHellfromwhichitcame。
CryingOverSpiltBloodButwhateveryoudo，donotblameeverybodyforwhatwascertainlydonebysomebody。Itmaybeitisnogoodcryingoverspiltblood，anymorethanoverspiltmilk。Butwedonotfindtheculpritanymorebyspillingthemilkovereverybody；orbydaubingeverybodywithblood。Stilllessdoweimprovemattersbywateringthemilkwithourtears，northebloodeither。
Tosaythateverybodyisresponsiblemeansthatnobodyisresponsible。
IfinthefutureweseeRussiaannexingRutlandaspartoftheoldKingdomofMuscovy，ifweseeBavariatakingasuddenfancytotheBankofEngland，ortheKingoftheCannibalIslandssuddenlydemandingatributeofedibleboysandgirlsfromEnglandandAmerica，wemaybequitecertainalsothattheLeaderoftheLabourPartywillrise，withaslightcough，andsay:"Itwouldbeadifficulttasktoapportiontheblamebetweenthevariousclaimswhich……"
REVIVETHECOURTJESTER
IhopetheGovernmentwillnotthinkjustnowaboutappointingaPoetLaureate。Ihardlythinktheycanbealtogetherintherightmood。Thebusinessjustnowbeforethecountrymakesaverygooddetectivestory；
butasanationalepicitisalittledepressing。Jingoliteraturealwaysweakensanation；butevenhealthypatrioticliteraturehasitspropertimeandoccasion。Forinstance，Mr。Newboltwhohasbeensuggestedforthepostisaveryfinepoet；butIthinkhispatrioticlyricswouldjustnowratherjaruponapatriot。WearerathertoomuchconcernedaboutourpracticalseamanshiptofeelquiteconfidentthatDrakewillreturnand"drumthemuptheChannelashedrummedthemlongago。"Onthecontrary，wehaveanuncomfortablefeelingthatDrake'sshipmightsuddenlygotothebottom，becausethecapitalistshavemadeLloydGeorgeabolishthePlimsollLine。Onecouldnot，withoutbeingunderstoodironically，adjurethetwopartyteamsto-dayto"playup，playupandplaythegame，"orto"lovethegamemorethantheprize。"Andthereisnonationalheroatthismomentinthesoldieringline——unless，perhaps，itisMajorArcher-Shee——ofwhomanyonewouldbelikelytosay:"Sedmiles；sedpropatria。"Thereis，indeed，onebeautifulpoemofMr。Newbolt'swhichmayminglefaintlywithone'sthoughtsinsuchtimes，butthat，alas，istoaverydifferenttune。ImeanthatoneinwhichheechoesTurner'sconceptionoftheoldwoodenshipvanishingwithallthevaliantmemoriesoftheEnglish:
There'safarbellringingAtthesettingofthesun，AndaphantomvoiceissingingOfthegreatdaysdone。
There'safarbellringing，AndaphantomvoiceissingingOfafameforeverclingingTothegreatdaysdone。
Forthesunsetbreezesshiver，Temeraire，Temeraire，Andshe'sfadingdowntheriver……
Well，well，neitheryounorIknowwhethersheisfadingdowntheriverornot。Itisquiteenoughforustoknow，asKingAlfreddid，thatagreatmanypirateshavelandedonbothbanksoftheThames。
PraiseandProphecyImpossibleAtthismomentthatistheonlykindofpatrioticpoemthatcouldsatisfytheemotionsofapatrioticperson。ButitcertainlyisnotthesortofpoemthatisexpectedfromaPoetLaureate，eitheronthehighestorthelowesttheoryofhisoffice。Heiseitheragreatminstrelsingingthevictoriesofagreatking，orheisacommonCourtofficialliketheGroomofthePowderCloset。Inthefirstcasehispraisesshouldbetrue；inthesecondcasetheywillnearlyalwaysbefalse；butineithercasehemustpraise。Andwhatthereisforhimtopraisejustnowitwouldbeprecioushardtosay。Andifthereisnogreathopeofarealpoet，thereisstilllesshopeofarealprophet。WhatNewmancalled，Ithink，"ThePropheticalOffice，"thatis，theinstitutionofaninspiredprotestevenagainstaninspiredreligion，certainlywouldnotdoinmodernEngland。
TheCourtisnotlikelytokeepatameprophetinordertoencouragehimtobewild。ItisnotlikelytopayamantosaythatwolvesshallhowlinDowning-streetandvulturesbuildtheirnestsinBuckinghamPalace。Sovasthasbeentheprogressofhumanitythatthesetwothingsarequiteimpossible。Wecannothaveagreatpoetpraisingkings。Wecannothaveagreatprophetdenouncingkings。SoIhavetofallbackonathirdsuggestion。
TheFieldforaFoolInsteadofrevivingtheCourtPoet，whynotrevivetheCourtFool？HeistheonlypersonwhocoulddoanygoodatthismomenteithertotheRoyalorthejudicialCourts。Thepresentpoliticalsituationisutterlyunsuitableforthepurposesofagreatpoet。Butitisparticularlysuitableforthepurposesofagreatbuffoon。Theoldjesterwasundercertainprivileges:youcouldnotresentthejokesofafool，justasyoucannotresentthesermonsofacurate。Now，whatthepresentGovernmentofEnglandwantsisneitherseriouspraisenorseriousdenunciation；whatitwantsissatire。Whatitwants，inotherwords，isrealismgivenwithgusto。WhenKingLouistheEleventhunexpectedlyvisitedhisenemy，theDukeofBurgundy，withasmallescort，theDuke'sjestersaidhewouldgivetheKinghisfool'scap，forhewasthefoolnow。AndwhentheDukerepliedwithdignity，"AndsupposeItreathimwithallproperrespect？"
thefoolanswered，"ThenIwillgiveittoyou。"Thatisthekindofthingthatsomebodyoughttobefreetosaynow。Butifyousayitnowyouwillbefinedahundredpoundsattheleast。
Carson'sDilemmaForthethingsthathavebeenhappeninglatelyarenotmerelythingsthatonecouldjokeabout。Theyarethemselves，trulyandintrinsically，jokes。
Imeanthatthereisasortofepigramofunreasoninthesituationitself，astherewasinthesituationwheretherewasjamyesterdayandjamto-morrowbutneverjamto-day。Take，forinstance，theextraordinarycaseofSirEdwardCarson。ThepointisnotwhetherweregardhisattitudeinBelfastasthedefianceofasincereanddogmaticrebel，orasthebluffofapartyhackandmountebank。ThepointisnotwhetherweregardhisdefenceoftheGovernmentattheOldBaileyasachivalrousandreluctantdutydoneasanadvocateorafriend，orasamerecaseofalawyersellinghissoulforafatbrief。Thepointisthatwhicheverofthetwoactionsweapprove，andwhicheverofthefourexplanationsweadopt，SirEdward'spositionisstillravingnonsense。Onanyargument，hecannotescapefromhisdilemma。Itmaybearguedthatlawsandcustomsshouldbeobeyedwhateverourprivatefeelings；andthatitisanestablishedcustomtoacceptabriefinsuchacase。ButthenitisasomewhatmoreestablishedcustomtoobeyanActofParliamentandtokeepthepeace。ItmaybearguedthatextrememisgovernmentjustifiesmeninUlsterorelsewhereinrefusingtoobeythelaw。Butthenitwouldjustifythemevenmoreinrefusingtoappearprofessionallyinalawcourt。
EtiquettecannotbeatoncesounimportantthatCarsonmayshootattheKing'suniform，andyetsoimportantthathemustalwaysbereadytoputonhisown。TheGovernmentcannotbesodisreputablethatCarsonneednotlaydownhisgun，andyetsorespectablethatheisboundtoputonhiswig。Carsoncannotatoncebesofiercethathecankillinwhatheconsidersagoodcause，andyetsomeekthathemustargueinwhatheconsidersabadcause。Obedienceordisobedience，conventionalorunconventional，asolicitor'slettercannotbemoresacredthantheKing'swrit；abluebagcannotbemorerationalthantheBritishflag。Thethingisrubbishreadanyway，andtheonlydifficultyistogetajokegoodenoughtoexpressit。ItisacasefortheCourtJester。Thephantasyofitcouldonlybeexpressedbysomehugeceremonialhoax。Carsonoughttobecrownedwiththeshamrocksandemeraldsandfollowedbygreen-cladminstrelsoftheClan-na-Gael，playing"TheWearingoftheGreen。"
BelatedChattinessbyWirelessButalltherecenteventsarelikethat。Theyarepracticaljokes。Thejokesdonotneedtobemade:theyonlyneedtobepointedout。YouandIdonottalkandactastheIsaacsbrotherstalkedandacted，bytheirownmostfavourableaccountofthemselves；andeventheiraccountofthemselveswasbynomeansfavourable。YouandIdonottalkofmeetingourownbornbrother"atafamilyfunction"asifheweresomeinfinitelydistantcousinwhomweonlymetatChristmas。YouandI，whenwesuddenlyfeelinclinedforachatwiththesamebrotherabouthisdinnerandtheCoalStrike，donotgenerallyselecteitherwirelesstelegraphyortheAtlanticCableasthemostobviousandeconomicalchannelforthatoutburstofbelatedchattiness。YouandIdonottalk，ifitisproposedtostartarailwaybetweenCatsvilleandDogtown，asiftheputtingupofastationatDogtowncouldhavenokindofeconomiceffectontheputtingupofastationatCatsville。YouandIdonotthinkitcandidtosaythatwhenweareatoneendofatelephonewehavenosortofconnectionwiththeotherend。Thesethingshavegotintotheregionoffarce；andshouldbedealtwithfarcically，notevenferociously。
AFoolWhoShallBeFreeIntheRomanRepublictherewasaTribuneofthePeople，whosepersonwasinviolablelikeanambassador's。TherewasmuchthesameideainBecket'sattempttoremovethePriest，whowasthenthepopularchampion，fromtheordinarycourts。WeshallhavenoTribune；forwehavenorepublic。WeshallhavenoPriest；forwehavenoreligion。ThebestwedeserveorcanexpectisaFoolwhoshallbefree；andwhoshalldeliveruswithlaughter。
THEARTOFMISSINGTHEPOINT
Missingthepointisaveryfineart；andhasbeencarriedtosomethinglikeperfectionbypoliticiansandPressmento-day。Forthepointisgenerallyaverysharppoint；andis，moreover，sharpatbothends。Thatistosaythatbothpartieswouldprobablyimpalethemselvesinanuncomfortablemanneriftheydidnotmanagetoavoiditaltogether。I
havejustbeenlookingattheelectionaddressoftheofficialLiberalcandidateforthepartofthecountryinwhichIlive；andthoughitis，ifanything，rathermorelogicalandfreefromcantthanmostotherdocumentsofthesortitisanexcellentexampleofmissingthepoint。
ThecandidatehastogoboringonaboutFreeTradeandLandReformandEducation；andnobodyreadingitcouldpossiblyimaginethatinthetownofWycombe，wherethepollwillbedeclared，thecapitaloftheWycombedivisionofBuckswhichthecandidateiscontesting，centreoftheimportantandvitaltradeonwhichithasthriven，asavagestruggleaboutjusticehasbeenragingformonthspastbetweenthepoorandrich，asrealastheFrenchRevolution。ThemanofferinghimselfatWycombeasrepresentativeoftheWycombedivisionsimplysaysnothingaboutitatall。
ItisasifamanatthecrisisoftheFrenchTerrorhadofferedhimselfasadeputyforthetownofParis，andhadsaidnothingabouttheMonarchy，nothingabouttheRepublic，nothingaboutthemassacres，nothingaboutthewar；buthadexplainedwithgreatclearnesshisviewsonthesuppressionoftheJansenists，theliterarystyleofRacine，thesuitabilityofTurenaeforthepostofcommander-in-chief，andthereligiousreflectionsofMadamedeMaintenon。For，attheirbest，thecandidate'stopicsarenottopical。HomeRuleisaverygoodthing，andmoderneducationisaverybadthing；butneitherofthemarethingsthatanybodyistalkingaboutinHighWycombe。Thisisthefirstandsimplestwayofmissingthepoint:deliberatelytoavoidandignoreit。
TheCandidCandidateItwouldbeanamusingexperiment，bytheway，togotothepointinsteadofavoidingit。WhatfunitwouldbetostandasastrictPartycandidate，butissueaperfectlyfrankandcynicalElectionAddress。Mr。
Mosley'saddressbegins，"Gentlemen，——SirAlfredCrippshavingbeenchosenforahighjudicialpositionandaseatintheHouseofLords，aby-electionnowbecomesnecessary，andtheelectorsofSouthBucksarechargedwiththeresponsibledutyofelecting，etc。，etc。"Butsupposetherewereanothercandidatewhoseelectionaddressopenedinaplain，manlystyle，likethis:"Gentlemen，——InthesincerehopeofbeingmyselfchosenforahighjudicialpositionoraseatintheHouseofLords，orconsiderablyincreasingmyprivatefortunebysomeGovernmentappointment，or，atleast，insideinformationaboutthefinancialprospects，Ihavedecidedthatitisworthmywhiletodisburselargesumsofmoneytoyouonvariouspretexts，and，withevenmorereluctancetoendurethebadspeakingandbadventilationoftheCommons'HouseofParliament，sohelpmeGod。Ihaveverypronouncedconvictionsonvariouspoliticalquestions；
butIwillnottroublemyfellow-citizenswiththem，sinceIhavequitemadeupmymindtoabandonanyorallofthemifrequestedtodosobytheupperclasses。TheelectorsarethereforechargedwiththeentirelyirresponsibledutyofelectingaMember；or，inotherwords，Iaskmyneighboursroundaboutthispart，whoknowIamnotabadchapinmanyways，todomeagoodturninmybusiness，justasImightaskthemtochangeasovereign。Myelectionwillhavenoconceivablekindofeffectonanythingoranybodyexceptmyself；soIask，asmantoman，theElectorsoftheSouthernorWycombeDivisionoftheCountyofBuckinghamtoacceptarideinoneofmymotor-cars；andpollearlytopleaseapal——GodSavetheKing。"IdonotknowwhetheryouorIwouldbeelectedifwepresentedourselveswithanelectionaddressofthatkind；butweshouldhavehadourfunandcomparativelyspeakingsavedoursouls；andIhaveastrongsuspicionthatweshouldbeelectedorrejectedonamechanicalmajoritylikeanybodyelse；nobodyhavingdreamedofreadinganelectionaddressanymorethananadvertisementofahairrestorer。
TyrannyandHead-DressButthereisanotherandmoresubtlewayinwhichwemaymissthepoint；
andthatis，notbykeepingadeadsilenceaboutit，butbybeingjustwittyenoughtostateitwrong。Thus，someoftheLiberalofficialpapershavealmostscreweduptheircouragetothesticking-pointaboutthebestialcoupd'etatinSouthAfrica。Theyhavescreweduptheircouragetothesticking-point；andithasstuck。Itcannotgetanyfurther；
becauseithasmissedthemainpoint。ThemodernLiberalsmaketheirfeebleattemptstoattacktheintroductionofslaveryintoSouthAfricabytheDutchandtheJews，byaverytypicalevasionofthevitalfact。Thevitalfactissimplyslavery。MostoftheseDutchmenhavealwaysfeltlikeslave-owners。MostoftheseJewshavealwaysfeltlikeslaves。Nowthattheyareontop，theyhaveaparticularandcuriouskindofimpudence，whichisonlyknownamongslaves。ButtheLiberaljournalistswilldotheirbesttosuggestthattheSouthAfricanwrongconsistedinwhattheycallMartialLaw。Thatis，thatthereissomethingspeciallywickedaboutmendoinganactofcrueltyinkhakiorinvermilion，butnotifitisdoneindarkbluewithpewterbuttons。Thetyrantwhowearsabusbyoraforagecapisabominable；thetyrantwhowearsahorsehairwigisexcusable。Tobejudgedbysoldiersishell；buttobejudgedbylawyersisparadise。
Nowthepointmustnotbemissedinthisway。WhatiswrongwiththetyrannyinAfricaisnotthatitisrunbysoldiers。Itwouldbequiteasbad，orworse，ifitwererunbypolicemen。Whatiswrongisthat，forthefirsttimesincePagantimes，privatemenarebeingforcedtoworkforaprivateman。Menarebeingpunishedbyimprisonmentorexileforrefusingtoacceptajob。ThefactthatBothacanrideonahorse，orfireoffagun，makeshimbetterratherthanworsethananymanlikeSidneyWebborPhilipSnowden，whoattemptthesameslaverybymuchlessmanlymethods。TheLiberalPartywilltrytodivertthewholediscussiontooneaboutwhattheycallmilitarism。Buttheverytermsofmodernpoliticscontradictit。ForwhenwetalkofrealrebelsagainstthepresentsystemwecallthemMilitants。AndtherewillbenoneintheServileState。
THESERVILESTATEAGAIN
Ireadtheotherday，inaquotationfromaGermannewspaper，thehighlycharacteristicremarkthatGermanyhavingannexedBelgiumwouldsoonre-establishitscommerceandprosperity，andthat，inparticular，arrangementswerealreadybeingmadeforintroducingintothenewprovincetheGermanlawsfortheprotectionofworkmen。
IamquitecontentwiththatparagraphforthepurposeofanycontroversyaboutwhatiscalledGermanatrocity。IfmenIknowhadnottoldmetheyhadthemselvesseenthebayonetingofababy；ifthemostrespectablerefugeesdidnotbringwiththemstoriesofburningcottages——yes，andofburningcottagersaswell；ifdoctorsdidnotreportwhattheydoreportoftheconditionofgirlsinthehospitals；iftherewerenofacts；iftherewerenophotographs，thatonephraseIhavequotedwouldbequitesufficienttosatisfymethatthePrussiansaretyrants；tyrantsinapeculiarandalmostinsanesensewhichmakesthempre-eminentamongtheevilprincesoftheearth。Thefirstandmoststrikingfeatureisastupiditythatrisesintoasortofghastlyinnocence。Theprotectionofworkmen!Someworkmen，perhaps，mighthaveafancyforbeingprotectedfromshrapnel；somemightbegladtoputupanumbrellathatwouldwardoffthingsdroppingfromthegentleZeppelininheavenupontheplacebeneath。SomeofthesediscontentedproletarianshavetakenthesameviewasVanderveldetheirleader，andarenowenergeticallyengagedinprotectingthemselvesalongthelineoftheYser；Iamgladtosaynotaltogetherwithoutsuccess。ItisprobablethatnearlyalloftheBelgianworkerswould，onthewhole，prefertobeprotectedagainstbombs，sabres，burningcities，starvation，torture，andthetreasonofwickedkings。Inshort，itisprobable——itisatleastpossible，impiousasistheidea——thattheywouldprefertobeprotectedagainstGermansandalltheyrepresent。ButifaBelgianworkmanistoldthatheisnottobeprotectedagainstGermans，butactuallytobeprotectedbyGermans，I
thinkhemaybeexcusedforstaring。Hisfirstimpulse，Iimagine，willbetoask，"Againstwhom？Arethereanyworsepeopletocomealong？"
Butapartfromthehellishironyofthishumanitarianidea，thequestionitraisesisreallyoneofsolidimportanceforpeoplewhosepoliticsaremoreorlesslikeours。Thereisaveryurgentpointinthatquestion，"AgainstwhomwouldtheBelgianworkmenbeprotectedbytheGermanlaws？"
Andifwepursueit，weshallbeenabledtoanalysesomethingofthatpoison——verylargelyaPrussianpoison——whichhaslongbeenworkinginourowncommonwealth，totheenslavementoftheweakandthesecretstrengtheningofthestrong。ForthePrussianarmiesare，pre-eminently，theadvanceguardoftheServileState。Isaythisscientifically，andquiteapartfrompassionorevenfrompreference。IhavenoillusionsabouteitherBelgiumorEngland。BothhavebeenstainedwiththesootofCapitalismandblindedwiththesmokeofmereColonialambition；bothhavebeencaughtatadisadvantageinsuchmoderndirtanddisorder；bothhavecomeoutmuchbetterthanIshouldhaveexpectedcountriessomodemandsoindustrialtodo。ButinEnglandandBelgiumthereisCapitalismmixedupwithagreatmanyotherthings，strongthingsandthingsthatpursueotheraims；Clericalism，forinstance，andmilitantSocialisminBelgium；TradesUnionismandsportandtheremainsofrealaristocracyinEngland。ButPrussiaisCapitalism；thatis，agraduallysolidifyingslavery；andthatmajesticunitywithwhichshemoves，draggingallthedumbGermaniesafterher，isduetothefactthatherServileStateiscomplete，whileoursisincomplete。Therearenotmutinies；therearenotevenmockeries；thevoiceofnationalself-criticismhasbeenextinguishedforever。Forthispeopleisalreadypermanentlyclovenintoahigherandalowerclass:initsindustryasmuchasitsarmy。Itsemployersare，inthestrictestandmostsinistersense，captainsofindustry。Itsproletariatis，inthetruestandmostpitiablesense，anarmyoflabour。Inthatatmospheremastersbearuponthemthesignsthattheyaremorethanmen；andtoinsultanofficerisdeath。
Ifanyoneaskhowthisextremeandunmistakablesubordinationoftheemployedtotheemployersisbroughtabout，weallknowtheanswer。Itisbroughtaboutbyhungerandhardnessofheart，acceleratedbyacertainkindoflegislation，ofwhichwehavehadagooddeallatelyinEngland，butwhichwasalmostinvariablyborrowedfromPrussia。Mr。HerbertSamuel'ssuggestionthatthepoorshouldbeabletoputtheirmoneyinlittleboxesandnotbeabletogetitoutagainisasortofstandingsymbolofalltherest。Ihaveforgottenhowthepoorweregoingtobenefiteventuallybywhatisforthemindistinguishablefromdroppingsixpencedownadrain。Perhapstheyweregoingtogetitbacksomeday；
perhapswhentheycouldproduceahundredcouponsoutoftheDailyCitizen；
perhapswhentheygottheirhaircut；perhapswhentheyconsentedtobeinoculated，ortrepanned，orcircumcised，orsomething。Germanyisfullofthissortoflegislation；andifyouaskedaninnocentGerman，whohonestlybelievedinit，whatitwas，hewouldanswerthatitwasfortheprotectionofworkmen。
Andifyouaskedagain"Theirprotectionfromwhat？"youwouldhavethewholeplanandproblemoftheServileStateplaininfrontofyou。
Whatevernotionthereis，thereisnonotionwhateverofprotectingtheemployedperson_fromhisemployer_。Muchlessisthereanyideaofhiseverbeinganywhereexceptunderanemployer。WhatevertheCapitalistwantshegets。Hemayhavethesensetowantwashedandwell-fedlabourersratherthandirtyandfeebleones，andtherestrictionsmayhappentoexistintheformoflawsfromtheKaiserorby-lawsfromtheKrupps。ButtheKaiserwillnotoffendtheKrupps，andtheKruppswillnotoffendtheKaiser。Lawsofthiskind，then，donotattempttoprotectworkmenagainsttheinjusticeoftheCapitalistastheEnglishTradeUnionsdid。TheydonotattempttoprotectworkmenagainsttheinjusticeoftheStateasthemediaevalguildsdid。Obviouslytheycannotprotectworkmenagainsttheforeigninvader——especiallywhenasinthecomiccaseofBelgiumtheyareimposedbytheforeigninvader。Whatthenaresuchlawsdesignedtoprotectworkmenagainst？Tigers，rattlesnakes，hyenas？
Oh，myyoungfriends；oh，myChristianbrethren，theyaredesignedtoprotectthispoorpersonfromsomethingwhichtothoseofestablishedrankismorehorridthanmanyhyenas。Theyaredesigned，myfriends，toprotectamanfromhimself——fromsomethingthatthemastersoftheearthfearmorethanfamineorwar，andwhichPrussiaespeciallyfearsaseverythingfearsthatwhichwouldcertainlybeitsend。Theyaremeanttoprotectamanagainsthimself——thatis，theyaremeanttoprotectamanagainsthismanhood。
AndifanyoneremindsmethatthereisaSocialistPartyinGermany，I
replythatthereisn't。
THEEMPIREOFTHEIGNORANT
ThatanarchicfuturewhichthemoretimidToriesprofessedtofearhasalreadyfallenuponus。Weareruledbyignorantpeople。ButthemostignorantpeopleinmodernBritainaretobefoundintheupperclass，themiddleclass，andespeciallytheuppermiddleclass。Idonotsayitwiththesmallestpetulanceorevendistaste；theseclassesareoftenreallybeneficentintheirbreedingortheirhospitality，ortheirhumanitytoanimals。
ThereisstillnobettercompanythantheyoungatthetwoUniversities，orthebestoftheoldintheArmyorsomeoftheotherservices。Also，ofcourse，thereareexceptionsinthematteroflearning；realscholarslikeProfessorGilbertMurrayorProfessorPhillimorearenotignorant，thoughthey_are_gentlemen。Butwhenonelooksupatanymassofthewealthierandmorepowerfulclasses，attheGrandStandatEpsom，atthewindowsofPark-lane，atthepeopleatafull-dressdebateorafashionablewedding，weshallbesafeinsayingthattheyare，forthemostpart，themostill-taught，oruntaught，creaturesintheseislands。
LiterallyIlliterateItisindeedtheirfeebleboastthattheyarenotliterallyilliterate。
Theyarealwayssayingtheancientbaronscouldnotsigntheirownnames——fortheyknowlessofhistoryperhapsthanofanythingelse。Themodernbarons，however，cansigntheirownnames——orsomeoneelse'sforachange。Theycansigntheirownnames；andthatisaboutalltheycando。
Theycannotfaceafact，orfollowanargument，orfeelatradition；but，leastofall，canthey，uponanypersuasion，readthroughaplainimpartialbook，Englishorforeign，thatisnotspeciallywrittentosoothetheirpanicortopleasetheirpride。LookingupattheseseatsofthemightyIcanonlysay，withsomethingofdespair，whatRobertLowesaidoftheenfranchisedworkmen:"Wemusteducateourmasters。"