indeed!
MRS。G。Imust。Listen,myhusband。Never,never,nevertellyourwifeanythingthatyoudonotwishhertorememberandthinkoverallherlife。Becauseawoman-yes,Iamawoman-can'tforget。
CAPT。G。ByJove,howdoyouknowthat?
MRS。G。(Confusedly。)Idon't。I'monlyguessing。Iam-Iwas-asillylittlegirl;butIfeelthatIknowsomuch,oh,soverymuchmorethanyou,dearest。Tobeginwith,I'myourwife。
CAPT。G。SoIhavebeenledtobelieve。
MRS。G。AndIshallwanttoknoweveryoneofyoursecrets-toshareeverythingyouknowwithyou。(Staresrounddesperately。)
CAPT。G。Soyoushall,dear,soyoushall-butdon'tlooklikethat。
MRS。G。Foryourownsakedon'tstopme,Phil。Ishallnevertalktoyouinthiswayagain。Youmustnottellme!Atleast,notnow。
Lateron,whenI'manoldmatronitwon'tmatter,butifyouloveme,beverygoodtomenow;forthispartofmylifeIshallneverforget!HaveImadeyouunderstand?
CAPT。G。Ithinkso,child。HaveIsaidanythingyetthatyoudisapproveof?
MRS。G。Willyoubeveryangry?That-thatvoice,andwhatyousaidabouttheengagement-
CAPT。G。Butyouaskedtobetoldthat,darling。
MRS。G。Andthat'swhyyoushouldn'thavetoldme!YoumustbetheJudge,and,oh,Pip,dearlyasIloveyou,Ishan'tbeabletohelpyou!Ishallhinderyou,andyoumustjudgeinspiteofme!
CAPT。G。(Meditatively。)Wehaveagreatmanythingstofindouttogether,Godhelpusboth-sayso,Pussy-butweshallunderstandeachotherbettereveryday;andIthinkI'mbeginningtoseenow。
Howintheworlddidyoucometoknowjusttheimportanceofgivingmejustthatlead?
MRS。G。I'vetoldyouthatIdon'tknow。Onlysomehowitseemedthat,inallthisnewlife,Iwasbeingguidedforyoursakeaswellasmyown。
CAPT。G。(Aside。)ThenMafilinwasright!Theyknow,andwe-we'reblindallofus。(Lightly。)'Gettingalittlebeyondourdepth,dear,aren'twe?I'llremember,and,ifIfail,letmebepunishedasIdeserve。
MRS。G。Thereshallbenopunishment。We'llstartintolifetogetherfromhere-youandI-andnooneelse。
CAPT。G。Andnooneelse。(Apause。)Youreyelashesareallwet,Sweet?WasthereeversuchaquaintlittleAbsurdity?
Mas。G。Wasthereeversuchnonsensetalkedbefore?
CAPT。G。(Knockingtheashesoutofhispipe。)'Tisn'twhatwesay,it'swhatwedon'tsay,thathelps。Andit'salltheprofoundestphilosophy。Butnoonewouldunderstand-evenifitwereputintoabook。
MRS。G。Theidea!No-onlyweourselves,orpeoplelikeourselves-ifthereareanypeoplelikeus。
CAPT。G。(Magisterially。)Allpeople,notlikeourselves,areblindidiots。
MRS。G。(Wipinghereyes。)Doyouthink,then,thatthereareanypeopleashappyasweare?
CAPT。G。'Mustbe-unlesswe'veappropriatedallthehappinessintheworld。
MRS。G'。(LookingtowardSimla。)Poordears!Justfancyifwehave!
CAPT。G。Thenwe'llhangontothewholeshow,forit'sagreatdealtoojollytolose-eh,wifeo'mine?
MRS。G。OPip!Pip!Howmuchofyouisasolemn,marriedmanandhowmuchahorridslangyschoolboy?
CAPT。G。WhenyoutellmehowmuchofyouwaseighteenlastbirthdayandhowmuchisasoldastheSphinxandtwiceasmysterious,perhapsI'llattendtoyou。Lendmethatbanjo。Thespiritmovethmetojowlatthesunset。
MRS。G。Mind!It'snottuned。Ah!Howthatjars!
CAPTG。(Turningpegs。)It'samazinglydifferenttokeepabanjotoproperpitch。
MRS。G。It'sthesamewithallmusicalinstruments,Whatshallitbe?
CAPT。G。"Vanity,"andletthehillshear。(Singsthroughthefirstandhal'ofthesecondverse。TurningtoMRS。G。)Now,chorus!
Sing,Pussy!
BOTHTOGETHRR。(Conbrio,tothehorrorofthemonkeyswhoaresettlingforthenight。)-
"Vanity,allisVanity,"saidWisdom。scorningme-IclaspedmytrueLove'stenderhandandansweredfrankandfree-ee"IfthisbeVanitywho'dbewise?IfthisbeVanitywho'dbewise?IfthisbeVanitywho'dbewi-ise(Crescendo。)Vanityletitbe!"
MRS。G。(Defiantlytothegreyoftheeveningsky。)"Vanityletitbe!"
ECHO。(PromtheFagoospur。)Letitbe!
FATIMA
Andyoumaygoineveryroomofthehouseandseeeverythingthatisthere,butintotheBlueRoomyoumustnotgo-TheStoryofBlueBeard。
SCENE-TheGADSBYS'bungalowinthePlains。Time,11A。M。
onaSundaymorning。CaptainGADSBY,inhisshirt-sleeves,isbendingoveracompletesetofHussar'sequipment,fromsaddletopicketing-rope,whichisneatlyspreadoverthefloorofhisstudy。
Heissmokinganuncleanbriar,andhisforeheadispuckeredwiththought。
CAPT。G。(Tohimself,fingeringaheadstall。)Jack'sanass。
There'senoughbrassonthistoloadamule-and,iftheAmericansknowanythingaboutanything,itcanbecutdowntoabitonly。
'Don'twantthewatering-bridle,either。Humbug!-Halfadozensetsofchainsandpulleysforonehorse!Rot!(Scratchinghishead。)
Now,let'sconsideritalloverfromthehe-ginning。ByJove,I'veforgottenthescaleofweights!Ne'ermind。'Keepthebitonly,andeliminateeverybossfromthecruppertobreastplate。Nobreastplateatall。Simpleleatherstrapacrossthebreast-liketheRussians。Hi!Jackneverthoughtofthat!
MRS。G。(Enteringhastily,herhandboundinacloth。)Oh,Pip,I'vescaldedmyhandoverthathorrid,horridTipareejam!
CAPT。G。(Absently。)Eb!Wha-at?
MRS。G。(Withround-eyedreproach。)I'vescaldeditaw-fully!
Aren'tyousorry?AndIdidsowantthatjamtojamproperly。
CAPT。G。Poorlittlewoman!Letmekisstheplaceandmakeitwell。(Unrollingbandage。)Yousmallsinner!Where'sthatscald?
Ican'tseeit。
MRS。G。Onthetopofthelittlefinger。There!-It'samost'normousbigburn!
CAPT。G。(Kissinglittlefinger。)Baby!LetHyderlookafterthejam。YouknowIdon'tcareforsweets。
Mas。G。In-deed?-Pip!
CAPT。G。Notofthatkind,anyhow。Andnowrunalong,Minnie,andleavemetomyownbasedevices。I'mbusy。
MRS。G。(Calmlysettlingherselfinlongchair。)SoIsee。Whatamessyou'remaking!Whyhaveyoubroughtallthatsmellyleatherstuffintothehouse?
CAPT。G。Toplaywith。Doyoumind,dear?
MRS。G。Letmeplaytoo。I'dlikeit。
CAPT。G。I'mafraidyouwouldn't。Pussy-Don'tyouthinkthatjamwillburn,orwhateveritisthatjamdoeswhenit'snotlookedafterbyacleverlittlehousekeeper?
MRS。G。IthoughtyousaidHydercouldattendtoit。Ilefthimintheveranda,stirring-whenIhurtmyselfso。
CAPT。G。(Hiseyereturningtotheequipment。)Po-oorlittlewoman!-Threepoundsfourandsevenisthreeeleven,andthatcanbecutdowntotwoeight,withjustalee-tiecare,with-outweakeninganything。Farrieryisallrotinincompetenthands。
What'stheuseofashoe-casewhenaman'sscouting?Hecan'tstickitonwithalick-likeastamp-theshoe!SkittlesMRS。G。What'sskittles?Pah!Whatisthisleathercleanedwith?
CAPT。G。Creamandchampagneand-Lookhere,dear,doyoureallywanttotalktomeaboutanythingimportant?
MRS。G。No。I'vedonemyaccounts,andIthoughtI'dliketoseewhatyou'redoing。
CAPT。G。Well,love,nowyou'veseenand-Wouldyoumind?-
Thatistosay-Minnie,Ireallyambusy。
MRS。G。Youwantmetogo?
CAPT。G,Yes,dear,foralittlewhile。Thistobaccowillhanginyourdress,andsaddlerydoesn'tinterestyou。
MRS。G。Everythingyoudointerestsme,Pip。
CAPT。G。Yes,Iknow,Iknow,dear。I'lltellyouallaboutitsomedaywhenI'veputaheadonthisthing。Inthemeantime-
MRS。G。I'mtobeturnedoutoftheroomlikeatroublesomechild?
CAPT。G。No-o。Idon'tmeanthatexactly。But,yousee,Ishallbetrampingupanddown,shiftingthesethingstoandfro,andIshallbeinyourway。Don'tyouthinkso?
MRS。G。Can'tIliftthemabout?Letmetry。(Reachesforwardtotrooper'ssaddle。)
CAPT。G。Goodgracious,child,don'ttouchit。You'llhurtyourself。
(Pickingupsaddle。)Littlegirlsaren'texpectedtohandlenumdahs。Now,wherewouldyoulikeitput?(Holdssaddleabovehishead。)
MRS。G。(Abreakinhervoice。)Nowhere。Pip,howgoodyouare-andhowstrong!Oh,what'sthatuglyredstreakinsideyourarm?
CAPT。G。(Loweringsaddlequickly。)Nothing。It'samarkofsorts。
(Aside。)AndJack'scomingtotiffinwithhisnotionsallcutanddried!
MRS。G。Iknowit'samark,butI'veneverseenitbefore。Itrunsallupthearm。Whatisit?
CAPT。G。Acut-ifyouwanttoknow。
MRS。G。Wanttoknow!OfcourseIdo!Ican'thavemyhusbandcuttopiecesinthisway。Howdiditcome?Wasitanaccident?
Tellme,Pip。
CAPT。G。(Grimly。)No。'Twasn'tanaccident。Igotit-fromaman-inAfghanistan。
MRS。G。Inaction?Oh,Pip,andyounevertoldme!
CAPT。G。I'dforgottenallaboutit。
MRS。G。Holdupyourarm!Whatahorrid,uglyscar!Areyousureitdoesn'thurtnow!Howdidthemangiveityou?
CAPT。G。(Desperatelylookingathiswatch。)Withaknife。Icamedown-oldVanLoodid,that'stosay-andfellonmyleg,soI
couldn'trun。AndthenthismancameupandbeganchoppingatmeasIsprawled。
MRS。G。Oh,don't,don't!That'senough!-Well,whathappened?
CAPT。G。Icouldn'tgettomyholster,andMafflincameroundthecornerandstoppedtheperformance。
MRS。G。How?He'ssuchalazyman,Idon'tbelievehedid。
CAPT。G。Don'tyou?Idon'tthinkthemanhadmuchdoubtaboutit。Jackcuthisheadoff。
Mas。G。Cut-his-head-off!"Withoneblow,"astheysayinthebooks?
CAPT。G。I'mnotsure。Iwastoointerestedinmyselftoknowmuchaboutit。Anyhow,theheadwasoff,andJackwaspunchingoldVanLoointheribstomakehimgetup。Nowyouknowallaboutit,dear,andnow-
MRS。G。Youwantmetogo,ofcourse。Younevertoldmeaboutthis,thoughI'vebeenmarriedtoyouforeversolong;andyouneverwouldhavetoldmeifIhadn'tfoundout;andyouneverdotellmeanythingaboutyourself,orwhatyoudo,orwhatyoutakeaninterestin。
CAPT。G。Darling,I'malwayswithyou,aren'tI?
MRS。G。Alwaysinmypocket,youweregoingtosay。Iknowyouare;butyouarealwaysthinkingawayfromme。
CAPT。G。(Tryingtohideasmile。)AmI?Iwasn'tawareofit。
I'mawf'lysorry。
MRS。G。(Piteously。)Oh,don'tmakefunofme!Pip,youknowwhatImean。WhenyouarereadingoneofthosethingsaboutCavalry,bythatidioticPrince-whydoesn'thebeaPrinceinsteadofastable-boy?
CAPT。G。PrinceKraftastable-boy-Oh,myAunt!Nevermind,dear。Youweregoingtosay?
MRS。G。Itdoesn'tmatter;youdon'tcareforwhatIsay。Only-onlyyougetupandwalkabouttheroom,staringinfrontofyou,andthenMafflincomesintodinner,andafterI'minthedrawmg-roomIcanhearyouandhimtalking,andtalking,andtalking,aboutthingsIcan'tunderstand,and-oh,Igetsotiredandfeelsolonely!-I
don'twanttocomplainandbeatrouble,Pip;butIdoindeedIdo!
CAPT。G。Mypoordarling!Ineverthoughtofthat。Whydon'tyouasksomenicepeopleintodinner?
MRS。G。Nicepeople!WhereamItofindthem?Horridfrumps!
AndifIdid,Ishouldn'tbeamused。YouknowIonlywantyou。
CAPT,G。Andyouhavemesurely,Sweetheart?
MRS。G。Ihavenot!Pipwhydon'tyoutakemeintoyourlife?
CAPT。G。MorethanIdo?Thatwouldbedifficult,dear。
MRS。G。Yes,Isupposeitwould-toyou。I'mnohelptoyou-nocompaniontoyou;andyouliketohaveitso。
CAPT。G。Aren'tyoualittleunreasonable,Pussy?
MRS。G。(Stampingherfoot。)I'mthemostreasonablewomanintheworld-whenI'mtreatedproperly。
CAPT。G。AndsincewhenhaveIbeentreatingyouimproperly?
MRS。G。Always-andsincethebeginning。Youknowyouhave。
CAPT。G。Idon't;butI'mwillingtobeconvinced。
MRS。G。(Pointingtosaddlery。)There!
CAPT。G。Howdoyoumean?
MRS。G。Whatdoesallthatmean?WhyamInottobetold?Isitsoprecious?
CAPT。G。IforgetitsexactGovernmentvaluejustatpresent。Itmeansthatitisagreatdealtooheavy。
MRS。G。Thenwhydoyoutouchit?
CAPT。G。Tomakeitlighter。Seehere,littlelove,I'veonenotionandJackhasanother,butwearebothagreedthatallthisequipmentisaboutthirtypoundstooheavy。Thethingishowtocutitdownwithoutweakeninganypartofit,and,atthesametime,allowingthetroopertocarryeverythinghewantsforhisowncomfort-socksandshirtsandthingsofthatkind。
MRS。G。Whydoesn'thepacktheminalittletrunk?
CAPT。G。(Kissingher。)Oh,youdarling!Packtheminalittletrunk,indeed!Hussarsdon'tcarrytrunks,andit'samostimportantthingtomakethehorsedoallthecarrying。
MRS。G。Butwhyneedyoubotheraboutit?You'renotatrooper。
CAPT。G。No;butIcommandafewscoreofhim;andequipmentisnearlyeverythinginthesedays。
MRS。G。Morethanme?
CAPT。G。Stupid!Ofcoursenot;butit'samatterthatI'mtremendouslyinterestedin,becauseifIorJack,orIandJack,workoutsomesortoflightersaddleryandallthat。it'spossiblethatwemaygetitadopted。
MRS。G。How?
CAPT。G。SanctionedatHome,wheretheywillmakeasealedpattern-apatternthatallthesaddlersmustcopy-andsoitwillbeusedbyalltheregiments。
MRS。G。Andthatinterestsyou?
CAPT。G。It'spartofmyprofession,y'know,andmyprofessionisagooddealtome。Everythinginasoldier'sequipmentisimportant,andifwecanimprovethatequipment,somuchthebetterforthesoldiersandforus。
Mas。G。Who's"us"?
CAPT。G。JackandI;onlyJack'snotionsaretooradical。What'sthatbigsighfor,Minnie?
MRS。G。Oh,nothing-andyou'vekeptallthisasecretfromme!
Why?
CAPT。G。Notasecret,exactly,dear。Ididn'tsayanythingaboutittoyoubecauseIdidn'tthinkitwouldamuseyou。
MRS。G。AndamIonlymadetobeamused?
CAPT。G。No,ofcourse。Imerelymeanthatitcouldn'tinterestyou。
MRS。G。It'syourworkand-andifyou'dletme,I'dcountallthesethingsup。Iftheyaretooheavy,youknowbyhowmuchtheyaretooheavy,andyoumusthavealistofthingsmadeouttoyourscaleoflightness,and-
CAPT。G。Ihavegotbothscalessomewhereinmyhead;hutit'shardtotellhowlightyoucanmakeahead-stall,forinstance,untilyou'veactuallyhadamodelmade。
MRS。G。Butifyoureadoutthelist,Icouldcopyitdown,andpinituptherejustaboveyourtable。Wouldn'tthatdo?
CAPT。G。Itwouldbeawf'lynice,dear,butitwouldbegivingyoutroublefornothing。Ican'tworkthatway。Igobyruleofthumb。I
knowthepresentscaleofweights,andtheotherone-theonethatI'mtryingtoworkto-willshiftandvarysomuchthatIcouldn'tbecertain,evenifIwroteitdown。
MRS。G。I'msosorry。IthoughtImighthelp。IsthereanythingelsethatIcouldbeofusein?
CAPT。G。(Lookingroundtheroom。)Ican'tthinkofanything。
You'realwayshelpingmeyouknow。
MRS。G。AmI?How?
CAPT。G。Youareofcourse,andaslongasyou'renearme-Ican'texplainexactly,butit'sintheair。
MRS。G。Andthat'swhyyouwantedtosendmeaway?
CAPT。G。That'sonlywhenI'mtryingtodowork-grubbyworklikethis。
MRS。G。Mafflin'sbetter,then,isn'the?
CAPT。G。(Rashly。)Ofcourseheis。JackandIhavebeenthinkingalongthesamegroovefortwoorthreeyearsaboutthisequipment。It'sourhobby,anditmayreallybeusefulsomeday。
MRS。G。(Afterapause。)Andthat'sallthatyouhaveawayfromme?
CAPT。G。Itisn'tveryfarawayfromyounow。Takecaretheoilonthatbitdoesn'tcomeoffonyourdress。
MRS。G。Iwish-IwishsomuchthatIcouldreallyhelpyou。I
believeIcould-ifIlefttheroom。Butthat'snotwhatImean。
CAPT。G。(Aside。)Givemepatience!Iwishshewouldgo。
(Aloud。)Ias-sureyouyoucan'tdoanythingforme,Minnie,andI
mustreallysettledowntothis。Where'smypouch?
MRS。G。(Crossingtowriting-table。)Hereyouare,Bear。Whatamessyoukeepyourtablein!
CAPT。G。Don'ttouchit。There'samethodinmymadness,thoughyoumightn'tthinkofit。
MRS。G。(Attable。)Iwanttolook-Doyoukeepaccounts,Pip?
CAPT。G。(Bendingoversaddlery。)Ofasort。AreyourummagingamongtheTrooppapers?Becareful。
MRs。G。Why?Isha'n'tdisturbanything。Goodgracious!Ihadnoideathatyouhadanythingtodowithsomanysickhorses。
CAPT。G。'WishIhadn't,buttheyinsistonfallingsick。Minnie,if1wereyouIreallyshouldnotinvestigatethosepapers。Youmaycomeacrosssomethingthatyouwon'tlike。
MRS。G。Whywillyoualwaystreatmelikeachild?IknowI'mnotdisplacingthehorridthings。
CAPT。G。(Resignedly。)Verywell,then。Don'tblamemeifanythinghappens。Playwiththetableandletmegoonwiththesaddlery。(Slippinghandintotrousers-pocket。)Oh,thedeuce!
MRS。G。(HerbacktoG。)What'sthatfor?
CAPT。G。Nothing。(Aside。)There'snotmuchinit,butIwishI'dtornitup。
MRS。G。(Turningovercontentsoftable。)Iknowyou'llhatemeforthis;butIdowanttoseewhatyourworkislike。(Apause。)
Pip,whatare"farcybuds"?
CAPT。G。Hab!Wouldyoureallyliketoknow?Theyaren'tprettythings。
MRS。G。ThisJournalofVeterinarySciencesaystheyareof"absorbinginterest。"Tellme。
CAPT。G。(Aside。)Itmayturnherattention。
Givesalonganddesignedlyloathsomeaccountofglandersandfarcy。
MRS。G。Oh,that'senough。Don'tgoon!
CAPT。G。Butyouwantedtoknow-Thenthesethingssuppurateandmatterateandspread-
MRS。G。Pin,you'remakingmesick!You'reahorrid,disgustingschoolboy。
CAPT。G。(Onhiskneesamongthebridles。)Youaskedtobetold。It'snotmyfaultifyouworrymeintotalkingabouthorrors。
Mas。G。Whydidn'tyousay-No?
CAPT。G。GoodHeavens,child!Haveyoucomeinheresimplytobullyme?
Mas。G。Ibullyyou?HowcouldI!You'resostrong。(Hysterically。)
Strongenoughtopickmeupandputmeoutsidethedoorandleavemetheretocry。Aren'tyou?
CAPT。G。Itseemstomethatyou'reanirrationallittlebaby。Areyouquitewell?
MRS。G。DoIlookill?(Returningtotable)。Whoisyourladyfriendwiththebiggreyenvelopeandthefatmonogramoutside?
CAPT。G。(Aside。)Thenitwasn'tlockedup,confoundit。
(Aloud。)"Godmadeher,thereforeletherpassforawoman。"Yourememberwhatfarcybudsarelike?
Mas。G。(Showingenvelope。)Thishasnothingtodowiththem。
I'mgoingtoopenit。MayI?
CAPT。G。Certainly,ifyouwantto。I'dsooneryoudidn'tthough。I
don'tasktolookatyourletterstotheDeer-courtgirl。
Mas。G。You'dbetternot,Sir!(Takesletterfromenvelope。)Now,mayIlook?Ifyousayno,Ishallcry。
CAPT。G。You'venevercriedinmyknowledgeofyou,andIdon'tbelieveyoucould。
Mas。G。Ifeelverylikeitto-day,Pip。Don'tbehardonme。(Readsletter。)Itbeginsinthemiddle,with-outany"DearCaptainGadsby,"oranything。Howfunny!
CAPT。G。(Aside。)No,it'snotDearCaptainGadsby,oranything,now。Howfunny!
Mas。G。Whatastrangeletter!(Reads。)"Andsothemothhascometoonearthecandleatlast,andhasbeensingedinto-shallI
sayRespectability?Icongratulatehim,andhopehewillbeashappyashedeservestobe。"Whatdoesthatmean?Isshecongratulatingyouaboutourmarriage?
CAPT。G。Yes,Isupposeso。
Mas。G。(Stillr'adingletter。)Sheseemstobeaparticularfriendofyours。
CAPT。G。Yes。Shewasanexcellentmatronofsorts-aMrs。
Herriott-wifeofaColonelHerriott。IusedtoknowsomeofherpeopleatHomelongago-beforeIcameout。
Mas。G。SomeColonel'swivesareyoung-asyoungasme。Iknewonewhowasyounger。
CAPT。G。Thenitcouldn'thavebeenMrs。Herriott。Shewasoldenoughtohavebeenycurmother,dear。
Mas。G。Iremembernow。Mrs。ScargillwastalkingaboutherattheDutfins'tennis,beforeyoucameforme,onTuesday。CaptainMafflinsaidshewasa"dearoldwoman。"Doyouknow,IthinkMafilinisaveryclumsymanwithhisfeet。