Iclearedandsteadiedmyvoicetoreply:“Allischangedaboutme，sir;Imustchangetoo—thereisnodoubtofthat;andtoavoidfluctuationsoffeeling，andcontinualcombatswithrecollectionsandassociations，thereisonlyoneway—Adèlemusthaveanewgoverness，sir。”
　　“Oh，Adèlewillgotoschool—Ihavesettledthatalready;nordoImeantotormentyouwiththehideousassociationsandrecollectionsofThornfieldHall—thisaccursedplace—thistentofAchan—thisinsolentvault，offeringtheghastlinessoflivingdeathtothelightoftheopensky—thisnarrowstonehell，withitsonerealfiend，worsethanalegionofsuchasweimagine。Jane，youshallnotstayhere，norwillI。IwaswrongevertobringyoutoThornfieldHall，knowingasIdidhowitwashaunted。Ichargedthemtoconcealfromyou，beforeIeversawyou，allknowledgeofthecurseoftheplace;merelybecauseIfearedAdèleneverwouldhaveagovernesstostayifsheknewwithwhatinmateshewashoused，andmyplanswouldnotpermitmetoremovethemaniacelsewhere—thoughIpossessanoldhouse，FerndeanManor，evenmoreretiredandhiddenthanthis，whereIcouldhavelodgedhersafelyenough，hadnotascrupleabouttheunhealthinessofthesituation，intheheartofawood，mademyconsciencerecoilfromthearrangement。Probablythosedampwallswouldsoonhaveeasedmeofhercharge:buttoeachvillainhisownvice;andmineisnotatendencytoindirectassassination，evenofwhatImosthate。
　　“Concealingthemad—woman’sneighbourhoodfromyou，however，wassomethinglikecoveringachildwithacloakandlayingitdownnearaupas—tree:thatdemon’svicinageispoisoned，andalwayswas。ButI’llshutupThornfieldHall:I’llnailupthefrontdoorandboardthelowerwindows:I’llgiveMrs。Pooletwohundredayeartoliveherewithmywife，asyoutermthatfearfulhag:Gracewilldomuchformoney，andsheshallhaveherson，thekeeperatGrimsbyRetreat，tobearhercompanyandbeathandtogiveheraidintheparoxysms，whenmywifeispromptedbyherfamiliartoburnpeopleintheirbedsatnight，tostabthem，tobitetheirfleshfromtheirbones，andsoon—”
　　“Sir，”Iinterruptedhim，“youareinexorableforthatunfortunatelady:youspeakofherwithhate—withvindictiveantipathy。Itiscruel—shecannothelpbeingmad。”
　　“Jane，mylittledarling（soIwillcallyou，forsoyouare），youdon’tknowwhatyouaretalkingabout;youmisjudgemeagain:itisnotbecausesheismadIhateher。Ifyouweremad，doyouthinkIshouldhateyou？”
　　“Idoindeed，sir。”
　　“Thenyouaremistaken，andyouknownothingaboutme，andnothingaboutthesortofloveofwhichIamcapable。Everyatomofyourfleshisasdeartomeasmyown:inpainandsicknessitwouldstillbedear。Yourmindismytreasure，andifitwerebroken，itwouldbemytreasurestill:ifyouraved，myarmsshouldconfineyou，andnotastraitwaistcoat—yourgrasp，eveninfury，wouldhaveacharmforme:ifyouflewatmeaswildlyasthatwomandidthismorning，Ishouldreceiveyouinanembrace，atleastasfondasitwouldberestrictive。IshouldnotshrinkfromyouwithdisgustasIdidfromher:inyourquietmomentsyoushouldhavenowatcherandnonursebutme;andIcouldhangoveryouwithuntiringtenderness，thoughyougavemenosmileinreturn;andneverwearyofgazingintoyoureyes，thoughtheyhadnolongerarayofrecognitionforme。—ButwhydoIfollowthattrainofideas？IwastalkingofremovingyoufromThornfield。All，youknow，ispreparedforpromptdeparture:to—morrowyoushallgo。Ionlyaskyoutoendureonemorenightunderthisroof，Jane;andthen，farewelltoitsmiseriesandterrorsforever！Ihaveaplacetorepairto，whichwillbeasecuresanctuaryfromhatefulreminiscences，fromunwelcomeintrusion—evenfromfalsehoodandslander。”
　　“AndtakeAdèlewithyou，sir，”Iinterrupted;“shewillbeacompanionforyou。”
　　“Whatdoyoumean，Jane？ItoldyouIwouldsendAdèletoschool;andwhatdoIwantwithachildforacompanion，andnotmyownchild，—aFrenchdancer’sbastard？Whydoyouimportunemeabouther！Isay，whydoyouassignAdèletomeforacompanion？”
　　“Youspokeofaretirement，sir;andretirementandsolitudearedull:toodullforyou。”
　　“Solitude！solitude！”hereiteratedwithirritation。“IseeImustcometoanexplanation。Idon’tknowwhatsphynx—likeexpressionisforminginyourcountenance。Youaretosharemysolitude。Doyouunderstand？”
　　Ishookmyhead:itrequiredadegreeofcourage，excitedashewasbecoming，eventoriskthatmutesignofdissent。Hehadbeenwalkingfastabouttheroom，andhestopped，asifsuddenlyrootedtoonespot。Helookedatmelongandhard:Iturnedmyeyesfromhim，fixedthemonthefire，andtriedtoassumeandmaintainaquiet，collectedaspect。
　　“NowforthehitchinJane’scharacter，”hesaidatlast，speakingmorecalmlythanfromhislookIhadexpectedhimtospeak。“Thereelofsilkhasrunsmoothlyenoughsofar;butIalwaysknewtherewouldcomeaknotandapuzzle:hereitis。Nowforvexation，andexasperation，andendlesstrouble！ByGod！IlongtoexertafractionofSamson’sstrength，andbreaktheentanglementliketow！”
　　Herecommencedhiswalk，butsoonagainstopped，andthistimejustbeforeme。
　　“Jane！willyouhearreason？”（hestoopedandapproachedhislipstomyear）;“because，ifyouwon’t，I’lltryviolence。”Hisvoicewashoarse;hislookthatofamanwhoisjustabouttoburstaninsufferablebondandplungeheadlongintowildlicense。Isawthatinanothermoment，andwithoneimpetusoffrenzymore，Ishouldbeabletodonothingwithhim。Thepresent—thepassingsecondoftime—wasallIhadinwhichtocontrolandrestrainhim—amovementofrepulsion，flight，fearwouldhavesealedmydoom，—andhis。ButIwasnotafraid:notintheleast。Ifeltaninwardpower;asenseofinfluence，whichsupportedme。Thecrisiswasperilous;butnotwithoutitscharm:suchastheIndian，perhaps，feelswhenheslipsovertherapidinhiscanoe。Itookholdofhisclenchedhand，loosenedthecontortedfingers，andsaidtohim，soothingly—
　　“Sitdown;I’lltalktoyouaslongasyoulike，andhearallyouhavetosay，whetherreasonableorunreasonable。”
　　Hesatdown:buthedidnotgetleavetospeakdirectly。Ihadbeenstrugglingwithtearsforsometime:Ihadtakengreatpainstorepressthem，becauseIknewhewouldnotliketoseemeweep。Now，however，Iconsidereditwelltoletthemflowasfreelyandaslongastheyliked。Ifthefloodannoyedhim，somuchthebetter。SoIgavewayandcriedheartily。
　　SoonIheardhimearnestlyentreatingmetobecomposed。IsaidIcouldnotwhilehewasinsuchapassion。
　　“ButIamnotangry，Jane:Ionlyloveyoutoowell;andyouhadsteeledyourlittlepalefacewithsucharesolute，frozenlook，Icouldnotendureit。Hush，now，andwipeyoureyes。”
　　Hissoftenedvoiceannouncedthathewassubdued;soI，inmyturn，becamecalm。Nowhemadeanefforttoresthisheadonmyshoulder，butIwouldnotpermitit。Thenhewoulddrawmetohim:no。
　　“Jane！Jane！”hesaid，insuchanaccentofbittersadnessitthrilledalongeverynerveIhad;“youdon’tloveme，then？Itwasonlymystation，andtherankofmywife，thatyouvalued？Nowthatyouthinkmedisqualifiedtobecomeyourhusband，yourecoilfrommytouchasifIweresometoadorape。”
　　Thesewordscutme:yetwhatcouldIdoorIsay？Ioughtprobablytohavedoneorsaidnothing;butIwassotorturedbyasenseofremorseatthushurtinghisfeelings，IcouldnotcontrolthewishtodropbalmwhereIhadwounded。
　　“Idoloveyou，”Isaid，“morethanever:butImustnotshoworindulgethefeeling:andthisisthelasttimeImustexpressit。”
　　“Thelasttime，Jane！What！doyouthinkyoucanlivewithme，andseemedaily，andyet，ifyoustillloveme，bealwayscoldanddistant？”
　　“No，sir;thatIamcertainIcouldnot;andthereforeIseethereisbutoneway:butyouwillbefuriousifImentionit。”
　　“Oh，mentionit！IfIstorm，youhavetheartofweeping。”
　　“Mr。Rochester，Imustleaveyou。”
　　“Forhowlong，Jane？Forafewminutes，whileyousmoothyourhair—whichissomewhatdishevelled;andbatheyourface—whichlooksfeverish？”
　　“ImustleaveAdèleandThornfield。Imustpartwithyouformywholelife:Imustbeginanewexistenceamongstrangefacesandstrangescenes。”
　　“Ofcourse:Itoldyouyoushould。Ipassoverthemadnessaboutpartingfromme。Youmeanyoumustbecomeapartofme。Astothenewexistence，itisallright:youshallyetbemywife:Iamnotmarried。YoushallbeMrs。Rochester—bothvirtuallyandnominally。IshallkeeponlytoyousolongasyouandIlive。YoushallgotoaplaceIhaveinthesouthofFrance:awhitewashedvillaontheshoresoftheMediterranean。Thereyoushallliveahappy，andguarded，andmostinnocentlife。NeverfearthatIwishtolureyouintoerror—tomakeyoumymistress。Whydidyoushakeyourhead？Jane，youmustbereasonable，orintruthIshallagainbecomefrantic。”
　　Hisvoiceandhandquivered:hislargenostrilsdilated;hiseyeblazed:stillIdaredtospeak。
　　“Sir，yourwifeisliving:thatisafactacknowledgedthismorningbyyourself。IfIlivedwithyouasyoudesire，Ishouldthenbeyourmistress:tosayotherwiseissophistical—isfalse。”
　　“Jane，Iamnotagentle—temperedman—youforgetthat:Iamnotlong—enduring;Iamnotcoolanddispassionate。Outofpitytomeandyourself，putyourfingeronmypulse，feelhowitthrobs，and—beware！”
　　Hebaredhiswrist，andofferedittome:thebloodwasforsakinghischeekandlips，theyweregrowinglivid;Iwasdistressedonallhands。Toagitatehimthusdeeply，byaresistancehesoabhorred，wascruel:toyieldwasoutofthequestion。Ididwhathumanbeingsdoinstinctivelywhentheyaredriventoutterextremity—lookedforaidtoonehigherthanman:thewords“Godhelpme！”burstinvoluntarilyfrommylips。
　　“Iamafool！”criedMr。Rochestersuddenly。“IkeeptellingherIamnotmarried，anddonotexplaintoherwhy。Iforgetsheknowsnothingofthecharacterofthatwoman，orofthecircumstancesattendingmyinfernalunionwithher。Oh，IamcertainJanewillagreewithmeinopinion，whensheknowsallthatIknow！Justputyourhandinmine，Janet—thatImayhavetheevidenceoftouchaswellassight，toproveyouarenearme—andIwillinafewwordsshowyoutherealstateofthecase。Canyoulistentome
　　“Yes，sir;forhoursifyouwill。”
　　“Iaskonlyminutes。Jane，didyoueverhearorknowatIwasnottheeldestsonofmyhouse:thatIhadonceabrotherolderthanI？”
　　“IrememberMrs。Fairfaxtoldmesoonce。”
　　“Anddidyoueverhearthatmyfatherwasanavaricious，graspingman？”
　　“Ihaveunderstoodsomethingtothateffect。”
　　“Well，Jane，beingso，itwashisresolutiontokeepthepropertytogether;hecouldnotbeartheideaofdividinghisestateandleavingmeafairportion:all，heresolved，shouldgotomybrother，Rowland。Yetaslittlecouldheendurethatasonofhisshouldbeapoorman。Imustbeprovidedforbyawealthymarriage。Hesoughtmeapartnerbetimes。Mr。Mason，aWestIndiaplanterandmerchant，washisoldacquaintance。Hewascertainhispossessionswererealandvast:hemadeinquiries。Mr。Mason，hefound，hadasonanddaughter;andhelearnedfromhimthathecouldandwouldgivethelatterafortuneofthirtythousandpounds:thatsufficed。WhenIleftcollege，IwassentouttoJamaica，toespouseabridealreadycourtedforme。Myfathersaidnothingabouthermoney;buthetoldmeMissMasonwastheboastofSpanishTownforherbeauty:andthiswasnolie。Ifoundherafinewoman，inthestyleofBlancheIngram:tall，dark，andmajestic。HerfamilywishedtosecuremebecauseIwasofagoodrace;andsodidshe。Theyshowedhertomeinparties，splendidlydressed。Iseldomsawheralone，andhadverylittleprivateconversationwithher。Sheflatteredme，andlavishlydisplayedformypleasurehercharmsandaccomplishments。Allthemeninhercircleseemedtoadmireherandenvyme。Iwasdazzled，stimulated:mysenseswereexcited;andbeingignorant，raw，andinexperienced，IthoughtIlovedher。Thereisnofollysobesottedthattheidioticrivalriesofsociety，theprurience，therashness，theblindnessofyouth，willnothurryamantoitscommission。Herrelativesencouragedme;competitorspiquedme;shealluredme:amarriagewasachievedalmostbeforeIknewwhereIwas。Oh，IhavenorespectformyselfwhenIthinkofthatact！—anagonyofinwardcontemptmastersme。Ineverloved，Ineveresteemed，Ididnotevenknowher。Iwasnotsureoftheexistenceofonevirtueinhernature:Ihadmarkedneithermodesty，norbenevolence，norcandour，norrefinementinhermindormanners—and，Imarriedher:—gross，grovelling，mole—eyedblockheadthatIwas！WithlesssinImighthave—ButletmeremembertowhomIamspeaking。”
　　“Mybride’smotherIhadneverseen:Iunderstoodshewasdead。Thehoneymoonover，Ilearnedmymistake;shewasonlymad，andshutupinalunaticasylum。Therewasayoungerbrother，too—acompletedumbidiot。Theelderone，whomyouhaveseen（andwhomIcannothate，whilstIabhorallhiskindred，becausehehassomegrainsofaffectioninhisfeeblemind，showninthecontinuedinteresthetakesinhiswretchedsister，andalsoinadog—likeattachmentheonceboreme），willprobablybeinthesamestateoneday。MyfatherandmybrotherRowlandknewallthis;buttheythoughtonlyofthethirtythousandpounds，andjoinedintheplotagainstme。”
　　“Thesewerevilediscoveries;butexceptforthetreacheryofconcealment，Ishouldhavemadethemnosubjectofreproachtomywife，evenwhenIfoundhernaturewhollyalientomine，hertastesobnoxioustome，hercastofmindcommon，low，narrow，andsingularlyincapableofbeingledtoanythinghigher，expandedtoanythinglarger—whenIfoundthatIcouldnotpassasingleevening，norevenasinglehourofthedaywithherincomfort;thatkindlyconversationcouldnotbesustainedbetweenus，becausewhatevertopicIstarted，immediatelyreceivedfromheraturnatoncecoarseandtrite，perverseandimbecile—whenIperceivedthatIshouldneverhaveaquietorsettledhousehold，becausenoservantwouldbearthecontinuedoutbreaksofherviolentandunreasonabletemper，orthevexationsofherabsurd，contradictory，exactingorders—eventhenIrestrainedmyself:Ieschewedupbraiding，Icurtailedremonstrance;Itriedtodevourmyrepentanceanddisgustinsecret;IrepressedthedeepantipathyIfelt。
　　“Jane，Iwillnottroubleyouwithabominabledetails:somestrongwordsshallexpresswhatIhavetosay。Ilivedwiththatwomanupstairsfouryears，andbeforethattimeshehadtriedmeindeed:hercharacterripenedanddevelopedwithfrightfulrapidity;hervicessprangupfastandrank:theyweresostrong，onlycrueltycouldcheckthem，andIwouldnotusecruelty。Whatapigmyintellectshehad，andwhatgiantpropensities！Howfearfulwerethecursesthosepropensitiesentailedonme！BerthaMason，thetruedaughterofaninfamousmother，draggedmethroughallthehideousanddegradingagonieswhichmustattendamanboundtoawifeatonceintemperateandunchaste。
　　“Mybrotherintheintervalwasdead，andattheendofthefouryearsmyfatherdiedtoo。Iwasrichenoughnow—yetpoortohideousindigence:anaturethemostgross，impure，depravedIeversaw，wasassociatedwithmine，andcalledbythelawandbysocietyapartofme。AndIcouldnotridmyselfofitbyanylegalproceedings:forthedoctorsnowdiscoveredthatmywifewasmad—herexcesseshadprematurelydevelopedthegermsofinsanity。Jane，youdon’tlikemynarrative;youlookalmostsick—shallIdefertheresttoanotherday？”
　　“No，sir，finishitnow;Ipityyou—Idoearnestlypityyou。”
　　“Pity，Jane，fromsomepeopleisanoxiousandinsultingsortoftribute，whichoneisjustifiedinhurlingbackintheteethofthosewhoofferit;butthatisthesortofpitynativetocallous，selfishhearts;itisahybrid，egotisticalpainathearingofwoes，crossedwithignorantcontemptforthosewhohaveenduredthem。Butthatisnotyourpity，Jane;itisnotthefeelingofwhichyourwholefaceisfullatthismoment—withwhichyoureyesarenowalmostoverflowing—withwhichyourheartisheaving—withwhichyourhandistremblinginmine。Yourpity，mydarling，isthesufferingmotheroflove:itsanguishistheverynatalpangofthedivinepassion。Iacceptit，Jane;letthedaughterhavefreeadvent—myarmswaittoreceiveher。”
　　“Now，sir，proceed;whatdidyoudowhenyoufoundshewasmad？”
　　“Jane，Iapproachedthevergeofdespair;aremnantofself—respectwasallthatintervenedbetweenmeandthegulf。Intheeyesoftheworld，Iwasdoubtlesscoveredwithgrimydishonour;butIresolvedtobecleaninmyownsight—andtothelastIrepudiatedthecontaminationofhercrimes，andwrenchedmyselffromconnectionwithhermentaldefects。Still，societyassociatedmynameandpersonwithhers;Iyetsawherandheardherdaily:somethingofherbreath（faugh！）mixedwiththeairIbreathed;andbesides，IrememberedIhadoncebeenherhusband—thatrecollectionwasthen，andisnow，inexpressiblyodioustome;moreover，IknewthatwhileshelivedIcouldneverbethehusbandofanotherandbetterwife;and，thoughfiveyearsmysenior（herfamilyandherfatherhadliedtomeevenintheparticularofherage），shewaslikelytoliveaslongasI，beingasrobustinframeasshewasinfirminmind。Thus，attheageoftwenty—six，Iwashopeless。
　　“OnenightIhadbeenawakenedbyheryells—（sincethemedicalmenhadpronouncedhermad，shehad，ofcourse，beenshutup）—itwasafieryWestIndiannight;oneofthedescriptionthatfrequentlyprecedethehurricanesofthoseclimates。Beingunabletosleepinbed，Igotupandopenedthewindow。Theairwaslikesulphur—steams—Icouldfindnorefreshmentanywhere。Mosquitoescamebuzzinginandhummedsullenlyroundtheroom;thesea，whichIcouldhearfromthence，rumbleddulllikeanearthquake—blackcloudswerecastingupoverit;themoonwassettinginthewaves，broadandred，likeahotcannon—ball—shethrewherlastbloodyglanceoveraworldquiveringwiththefermentoftempest。Iwasphysicallyinfluencedbytheatmosphereandscene，andmyearswerefilledwiththecursesthemaniacstillshriekedout;whereinshemomentarilymingledmynamewithsuchatoneofdemon—hate，withsuchlanguage！—noprofessedharloteverhadafoulervocabularythanshe:thoughtworoomsoff，Iheardeveryword—thethinpartitionsoftheWestIndiahouseopposingbutslightobstructiontoherwolfishcries。
　　“‘Thislife，’saidIatlast，‘ishell:thisistheair—thosearethesoundsofthebottomlesspit！IhavearighttodelivermyselffromitifIcan。Thesufferingsofthismortalstatewillleavemewiththeheavyfleshthatnowcumbersmysoul。Ofthefanatic’sburningeternityIhavenofear:thereisnotafuturestateworsethanthispresentone—letmebreakaway，andgohometoGod！’
　　“IsaidthiswhilstIkneltdownat，andunlockedatrunkwhichcontainedabraceofloadedpistols:Imeantoshootmyself。Ionlyentertainedtheintentionforamoment;for，notbeinginsane，thecrisisofexquisiteandunalloyeddespair，whichhadoriginatedthewishanddesignofself—destruction，waspastinasecond。
　　“AwindfreshfromEuropeblewovertheoceanandrushedthroughtheopencasement:thestormbroke，streamed，thundered，blazed，andtheairgrewpure。Ithenframedandfixedaresolution。WhileIwalkedunderthedrippingorange—treesofmywetgarden，andamongstitsdrenchedpomegranatesandpine—apples，andwhiletherefulgentdawnofthetropicskindledroundme—Ireasonedthus，Jane—andnowlisten;foritwastrueWisdomthatconsoledmeinthathour，andshowedmetherightpathtofollow。
　　“ThesweetwindfromEuropewasstillwhisperingintherefreshedleaves，andtheAtlanticwasthunderingingloriousliberty;myheart，driedupandscorchedforalongtime，swelledtothetone，andfilledwithlivingblood—mybeinglongedforrenewal—mysoulthirstedforapuredraught。Isawhoperevive—andfeltregenerationpossible。FromafloweryarchatthebottomofmygardenIgazedoverthesea—bluerthanthesky:theoldworldwasbeyond;clearprospectsopenedthus:—
　　“‘Go，’saidHope，‘andliveagaininEurope:thereitisnotknownwhatasulliednameyoubear，norwhatafilthyburdenisboundtoyou。YoumaytakethemaniacwithyoutoEngland;confineherwithdueattendanceandprecautionsatThornfield:thentravelyourselftowhatclimeyouwill，andformwhatnewtieyoulike。Thatwoman，whohassoabusedyourlong—suffering，sosulliedyourname，sooutragedyourhonour，soblightedyouryouth，isnotyourwife，norareyouherhusband。Seethatsheiscaredforasherconditiondemands，andyouhavedoneallthatGodandhumanityrequireofyou。Letheridentity，herconnectionwithyourself，beburiedinoblivion:youareboundtoimpartthemtonolivingbeing。Placeherinsafetyandcomfort:shelterherdegradationwithsecrecy，andleaveher。’
　　“Iactedpreciselyonthissuggestion。Myfatherandbrotherhadnotmademymarriageknowntotheiracquaintance;because，intheveryfirstletterIwrotetoapprisethemoftheunion—havingalreadybeguntoexperienceextremedisgustofitsconsequences，and，fromthefamilycharacterandconstitution，seeingahideousfutureopeningtome—Iaddedanurgentchargetokeepitsecret:andverysoontheinfamousconductofthewifemyfatherhadselectedformewassuchastomakehimblushtoownherashisdaughter—in—law。Farfromdesiringtopublishtheconnection，hebecameasanxioustoconcealitasmyself。
　　“ToEngland，then，Iconveyedher;afearfulvoyageIhadwithsuchamonsterinthevessel。GladwasIwhenIatlastgothertoThornfield，andsawhersafelylodgedinthatthird—storeyroom，ofwhosesecretinnercabinetshehasnowfortenyearsmadeawildbeast’sden—agoblin’scell。Ihadsometroubleinfindinganattendantforher，asitwasnecessarytoselectoneonwhosefidelitydependencecouldbeplaced;forherravingswouldinevitablybetraymysecret:besides，shehadlucidintervalsofdays—sometimesweeks—whichshefilledupwithabuseofme。AtlastIhiredGracePoolefromtheGrimbsyRetreat。Sheandthesurgeon，Carter（whodressedMason’swoundsthatnighthewasstabbedandworried），aretheonlytwoIhaveeveradmittedtomyconfidence。Mrs。Fairfaxmayindeedhavesuspectedsomething，butshecouldhavegainednopreciseknowledgeastofacts。Gracehas，onthewhole，provedagoodkeeper;though，owingpartlytoafaultofherown，ofwhichitappearsnothingcancureher，andwhichisincidenttoherharassingprofession，hervigilancehasbeenmorethanoncelulledandbaffled。Thelunaticisbothcunningandmalignant;shehasneverfailedtotakeadvantageofherguardian’stemporarylapses;oncetosecretetheknifewithwhichshestabbedherbrother，andtwicetopossessherselfofthekeyofhercell，andissuetherefrominthenight—time。Onthefirstoftheseoccasions，sheperpetratedtheattempttoburnmeinmybed;onthesecond，shepaidthatghastlyvisittoyou。IthankProvidence，whowatchedoveryou，thatshethenspentherfuryonyourweddingapparel，whichperhapsbroughtbackvaguereminiscencesofherownbridaldays:butonwhatmighthavehappened，Icannotenduretoreflect。WhenIthinkofthethingwhichflewatmythroatthismorning，hangingitsblackandscarletvisageoverthenestofmydove，mybloodcurdles
　　“Andwhat，sir，”Iasked，whilehepaused，“didyoudowhenyouhadsettledherhere？Wheredidyougo？”
　　“WhatdidIdo，Jane？Itransformedmyselfintoawill—o’—the—wisp。WheredidIgo？IpursuedwanderingsaswildasthoseoftheMarch—spirit。IsoughttheContinent，andwentdeviousthroughallitslands。Myfixeddesirewastoseekandfindagoodandintelligentwoman，whomIcouldlove:acontrasttothefuryIleftatThornfield—”
　　“Butyoucouldnotmarry，sir。”
　　“IhaddeterminedandwasconvincedthatIcouldandought。Itwasnotmyoriginalintentiontodeceive，asIhavedeceivedyou。Imeanttotellmytaleplainly，andmakemyproposalsopenly:anditappearedtomesoabsolutelyrationalthatIshouldbeconsideredfreetoloveandbeloved，Ineverdoubtedsomewomanmightbefoundwillingandabletounderstandmycaseandacceptme，inspiteofthecursewithwhichIwasburdened。”
　　“Well，sir？”
　　“Whenyouareinquisitive，Jane，youalwaysmakemesmile。Youopenyoureyeslikeaneagerbird，andmakeeverynowandthenarestlessmovement，asifanswersinspeechdidnotflowfastenoughforyou，andyouwantedtoreadthetabletofone’sheart。ButbeforeIgoon，tellmewhatyoumeanbyyour‘Well，sir？’Itisasmallphraseveryfrequentwithyou;andwhichmanyatimehasdrawnmeonandonthroughinterminabletalk:Idon’tverywellknowwhy。”
　　“Imean，—Whatnext？Howdidyouproceed？Whatcameofsuchanevent？”
　　“Precisely！andwhatdoyouwishtoknownow？”
　　“Whetheryoufoundanyoneyouliked:whetheryouaskedhertomarryyou;andwhatshesaid。”
　　“IcantellyouwhetherIfoundanyoneIliked，andwhetherIaskedhertomarryme:butwhatshesaidisyettoberecordedinthebookofFate。FortenlongyearsIrovedabout，livingfirstinonecapital，thenanother:sometimesinSt。Petersburg;oftenerinParis;occasionallyinRome，Naples，andFlorence。Providedwithplentyofmoneyandthepassportofanoldname，Icouldchoosemyownsociety:nocircleswereclosedagainstme。IsoughtmyidealofawomanamongstEnglishladies，Frenchcountesses，Italiansignoras，andGermangrafinnen。Icouldnotfindher。Sometimes，forafleetingmoment，IthoughtIcaughtaglance，heardatone，beheldaform，whichannouncedtherealisationofmydream:butIwaspresentlyundeserved。YouarenottosupposethatIdesiredperfection，eitherofmindorperson。Ilongedonlyforwhatsuitedme—fortheantipodesoftheCreole:andIlongedvainly。AmongstthemallIfoundnotonewhom，hadIbeeneversofree，I—warnedasIwasoftherisks，thehorrors，theloathingsofincongruousunions—wouldhaveaskedtomarryme。Disappointmentmademereckless。Itrieddissipation—neverdebauchery:thatIhated，andhate。ThatwasmyIndianMessalina’sattribute:rooteddisgustatitandherrestrainedmemuch，eveninpleasure。Anyenjoymentthatborderedonriotseemedtoapproachmetoherandhervices，andIeschewedit。
　　“YetIcouldnotlivealone;soItriedthecompanionshipofmistresses。ThefirstIchosewasCélineVarens—anotherofthosestepswhichmakeamanspurnhimselfwhenherecallsthem。Youalreadyknowwhatshewas，andhowmyliaisonwithherterminated。Shehadtwosuccessors:anItalian，Giacinta，andaGerman，Clara;bothconsideredsingularlyhandsome。Whatwastheirbeautytomeinafewweeks？Giacintawasunprincipledandviolent:Itiredofherinthreemonths。Clarawashonestandquiet;butheavy，mindless，andunimpressible:notonewhittomytaste。Iwasgladtogiveherasufficientsumtosetherupinagoodlineofbusiness，andsogetdecentlyridofher。But，Jane，Iseebyyourfaceyouarenotformingaveryfavourableopinionofmejustnow。Youthinkmeanunfeeling，loose—principledrake:don’tyou？”
　　“Idon’tlikeyousowellasIhavedonesometimes，indeed，sir。Diditnotseemtoyouintheleastwrongtoliveinthatway，firstwithonemistressandthenanother？Youtalkofitasamerematterofcourse。”
　　“Itwaswithme;andIdidnotlikeit。Itwasagrovellingfashionofexistence:Ishouldneverliketoreturntoit。Hiringamistressisthenextworsethingtobuyingaslave:bothareoftenbynature，andalwaysbyposition，inferior:andtolivefamiliarlywithinferiorsisdegrading。InowhatetherecollectionofthetimeIpassedwithCéline，Giacinta，andClara。”
　　Ifeltthetruthofthesewords;andIdrewfromthemthecertaininference，thatifIweresofartoforgetmyselfandalltheteachingthathadeverbeeninstilledintome，as—underanypretext—withanyjustification—throughanytemptation—tobecomethesuccessorofthesepoorgirls，hewouldonedayregardmewiththesamefeelingwhichnowinhisminddesecratedtheirmemory。Ididnotgiveutterancetothisconviction:itwasenoughtofeelit。Iimpresseditonmyheart，thatitmightremaintheretoservemeasaidinthetimeoftrial。
　　“Now，Jane，whydon’tyousay‘Well，sir？’Ihavenotdone。Youarelookinggrave。Youdisapproveofmestill，Isee。Butletmecometothepoint。January，ridofallmistresses—inaharsh，bitterframeofmind，theresultofauseless，roving，lonelylife—corrodedwithdisappointment，sourlydisposedagainstallmen，andespeciallyagainstallwomankind（forIbegantoregardthenotionofanintellectual，faithful，lovingwomanasameredream），recalledbybusiness，IcamebacktoEngland。
　　“Onafrostywinterafternoon，IrodeinsightofThornfieldHall。Abhorredspot！Iexpectednopeace—nopleasurethere。OnastileinHayLaneIsawaquietlittlefiguresittingbyitself。IpasseditasnegligentlyasIdidthepollardwillowoppositetoit:Ihadnopresentimentofwhatitwouldbetome;noinwardwarningthatthearbitressofmylife—mygeniusforgoodorevil—waitedthereinhumbleguise。Ididnotknowit，evenwhen，ontheoccasionofMesrour’saccident，itcameupandgravelyofferedmehelp。Childishandslendercreature！Itseemedasifalinnethadhoppedtomyfootandproposedtobearmeonitstinywing。Iwassurly;butthethingwouldnotgo:itstoodbymewithstrangeperseverance，andlookedandspokewithasortofauthority。Imustbeaided，andbythathand:andaidedIwas。
　　“WhenonceIhadpressedthefrailshoulder，somethingnew—afreshsapandsense—stoleintomyframe。ItwaswellIhadlearntthatthiselfmustreturntome—thatitbelongedtomyhousedownbelow—orIcouldnothavefeltitpassawayfromundermyhand，andseenitvanishbehindthedimhedge，withoutsingularregret。Iheardyoucomehomethatnight，Jane，thoughprobablyyouwerenotawarethatIthoughtofyouorwatchedforyou。ThenextdayIobservedyou—myselfunseen—forhalf—an—hour，whileyouplayedwithAdèleinthegallery。Itwasasnowyday，Irecollect，andyoucouldnotgooutofdoors。Iwasinmyroom;thedoorwasajar:Icouldbothlistenandwatch。Adèleclaimedyouroutwardattentionforawhile;yetIfanciedyourthoughtswereelsewhere:butyouwereverypatientwithher，mylittleJane;youtalkedtoherandamusedheralongtime。Whenatlastsheleftyou，youlapsedatonceintodeepreverie:youbetookyourselfslowlytopacethegallery。Nowandthen，inpassingacasement，youglancedoutatthethick—fallingsnow;youlistenedtothesobbingwind，andagainyoupacedgentlyonanddreamed。Ithinkthosedayvisionswerenotdark:therewasapleasurableilluminationinyoureyeoccasionally，asoftexcitementinyouraspect，whichtoldofnobitter，bilious，hypochondriacbrooding:yourlookrevealedratherthesweetmusingsofyouthwhenitsspiritfollowsonwillingwingstheflightofHopeupandontoanidealheaven。ThevoiceofMrs。Fairfax，speakingtoaservantinthehall，wakenedyou:andhowcuriouslyyousmiledtoandatyourself，Janet！Therewasmuchsenseinyoursmile:itwasveryshrewd，andseemedtomakelightofyourownabstraction。Itseemedtosay—‘Myfinevisionsareallverywell，butImustnotforgettheyareabsolutelyunreal。IhavearosyskyandagreenfloweryEdeninmybrain;butwithout，Iamperfectlyaware，liesatmyfeetaroughtracttotravel，andaroundmegatherblacktempeststoencounter。’YourandownstairsanddemandedofMrs。Fairfaxsomeoccupation:theweeklyhouseaccountstomakeup，orsomethingofthatsort，Ithinkitwas。Iwasvexedwithyouforgettingoutofmysight。
　　“ImpatientlyIwaitedforevening，whenImightsummonyoutomypresence。Anunusual—tome—aperfectlynewcharacterIsuspectedwasyours:Idesiredtosearchitdeeperandknowitbetter。Youenteredtheroomwithalookandairatonceshyandindependent:youwerequaintlydressed—muchasyouarenow。Imadeyoutalk:erelongIfoundyoufullofstrangecontrasts。Yourgarbandmannerwererestrictedbyrule;yourairwasoftendiffident，andaltogetherthatofonerefinedbynature，butabsolutelyunusedtosociety，andagooddealafraidofmakingherselfdisadvantageouslyconspicuousbysomesolecismorblunder;yetwhenaddressed，youliftedakeen，adaring，andaglowingeyetoyourinterlocutor’sface:therewaspenetrationandpowerineachglanceyougave;whenpliedbyclosequestions，youfoundreadyandroundanswers。Verysoonyouseemedtogetusedtome:Ibelieveyoufelttheexistenceofsympathybetweenyouandyourgrimandcrossmaster，Jane;foritwasastonishingtoseehowquicklyacertainpleasanteasetranquillisedyourmanner:snarlasIwould，youshowednosurprise，fear，annoyance，ordispleasureatmymoroseness;youwatchedme，andnowandthensmiledatmewithasimpleyetsagaciousgraceIcannotdescribe。IwasatoncecontentandstimulatedwithwhatIsaw:IlikedwhatIhadseen，andwishedtoseemore。Yet，foralongtime，Itreatedyoudistantly，andsoughtyourcompanyrarely。Iwasanintellectualepicure，andwishedtoprolongthegratificationofmakingthisnovelandpiquantacquaintance:besides，IwasforawhiletroubledwithahauntingfearthatifIhandledtheflowerfreelyitsbloomwouldfade—thesweetcharmoffreshnesswouldleaveit。Ididnotthenknowthatitwasnotransitoryblossom，butrathertheradiantresemblanceofone，cutinanindestructiblegem。Moreover，IwishedtoseewhetheryouwouldseekmeifIshunnedyou—butyoudidnot;youkeptintheschoolroomasstillasyourowndeskandeasel;ifbychanceImetyou，youpassedmeassoon，andwithaslittletokenofrecognition，aswasconsistentwithrespect。Yourhabitualexpressioninthosedays，Jane，wasathoughtfullook;notdespondent，foryouwerenotsickly;butnotbuoyant，foryouhadlittlehope，andnoactualpleasure。Iwonderedwhatyouthoughtofme，orifyoueverthoughtofme，andresolvedtofindthisout。