“Yousayyouhavefaults,Helen:whatarethey?Tomeyouseemverygood。”
“Thenlearnfromme,nottojudgebyappearances:Iam,asMissScatcherdsaid,slatternly;Iseldomput,andneverkeep,things,inorder;Iamcareless;Iforgetrules;IreadwhenIshouldlearnmylessons;Ihavenomethod;andsometimesIsay,likeyou,Icannotbeartobesubjectedtosystematicarrangements。ThisisallveryprovokingtoMissScatcherd,whoisnaturallyneat,punctual,andparticular。”
“Andcrossandcruel,”Iadded;butHelenBurnswouldnotadmitmyaddition:shekeptsilence。
“IsMissTempleasseveretoyouasMissScatcherd?”
AttheutteranceofMissTemple’sname,asoftsmileflittedoverhergraveface。
“MissTempleisfullofgoodness;itpainshertobeseveretoanyone,eventheworstintheschool:sheseesmyerrors,andtellsmeofthemgently;and,ifIdoanythingworthyofpraise,shegivesmemymeedliberally。Onestrongproofofmywretchedlydefectivenatureis,thatevenherexpostulations,somild,sorational,havenotinfluencetocuremeofmyfaults;andevenherpraise,thoughIvalueitmosthighly,cannotstimulatemetocontinuedcareandforesight。”
“Thatiscurious,”saidI,“itissoeasytobecareful。”
“ForyouIhavenodoubtitis。Iobservedyouinyourclassthismorning,andsawyouwerecloselyattentive:yourthoughtsneverseemedtowanderwhileMissMillerexplainedthelessonandquestionedyou。Now,minecontinuallyroveaway;whenIshouldbelisteningtoMissScatcherd,andcollectingallshesayswithassiduity,oftenIlosetheverysoundofhervoice;Ifallintoasortofdream。SometimesIthinkIaminNorthumberland,andthatthenoisesIhearroundmearethebubblingofalittlebrookwhichrunsthroughDeepden,nearourhouse;—then,whenitcomestomyturntoreply,Ihavetobeawakened;andhavingheardnothingofwhatwasreadforlisteningtothevisionarybrook,Ihavenoanswerready。”
“Yethowwellyourepliedthisafternoon。”
“Itwasmerechance;thesubjectonwhichwehadbeenreadinghadinterestedme。Thisafternoon,insteadofdreamingofDeepden,IwaswonderinghowamanwhowishedtodorightcouldactsounjustlyandunwiselyasCharlestheFirstsometimesdid;andIthoughtwhatapityitwasthat,withhisintegrityandconscientiousness,hecouldseenofartherthantheprerogativesofthecrown。Ifhehadbutbeenabletolooktoadistance,andseehowwhattheycallthespiritoftheagewastending!Still,IlikeCharles—Irespecthim—Ipityhim,poormurderedking!Yes,hisenemiesweretheworst:theyshedbloodtheyhadnorighttoshed。Howdaredtheykillhim!”
Helenwastalkingtoherselfnow:shehadforgottenIcouldnotverywellunderstandher—thatIwasignorant,ornearlyso,ofthesubjectshediscussed。Irecalledhertomylevel。
“AndwhenMissTempleteachesyou,doyourthoughtswanderthen?”
“No,certainly,notoften;becauseMissTemplehasgenerallysomethingtosaywhichisnewerthanmyownreflections;herlanguageissingularlyagreeabletome,andtheinformationshecommunicatesisoftenjustwhatIwishedtogain。”
“Well,then,withMissTempleyouaregood?”
“Yes,inapassiveway:Imakenoeffort;Ifollowasinclinationguidesme。Thereisnomeritinsuchgoodness。”
“Agreatdeal:youaregoodtothosewhoaregoodtoyou。ItisallIeverdesiretobe。Ifpeoplewerealwayskindandobedienttothosewhoarecruelandunjust,thewickedpeoplewouldhaveitalltheirownway:theywouldneverfeelafraid,andsotheywouldneveralter,butwouldgrowworseandworse。Whenwearestruckatwithoutareason,weshouldstrikebackagainveryhard;Iamsureweshould—sohardastoteachthepersonwhostruckusnevertodoitagain。”
“Youwillchangeyourmind,Ihope,whenyougrowolder:asyetyouarebutalittleuntaughtgirl。”
“ButIfeelthis,Helen;Imustdislikethosewho,whateverIdotopleasethem,persistindislikingme;Imustresistthosewhopunishmeunjustly。ItisasnaturalasthatIshouldlovethosewhoshowmeaffection,orsubmittopunishmentwhenIfeelitisdeserved。”
“Heathensandsavagetribesholdthatdoctrine,butChristiansandcivilisednationsdisownit。”
“How?Idon’tunderstand。”
“Itisnotviolencethatbestovercomeshate—norvengeancethatmostcertainlyhealsinjury。”
“Whatthen?”
“ReadtheNewTestament,andobservewhatChristsays,andhowHeacts;makeHiswordyourrule,andHisconductyourexample。”
“WhatdoesHesay?”
“Loveyourenemies;blessthemthatcurseyou;dogoodtothemthathateyouanddespitefullyuseyou。”
“ThenIshouldloveMrs。Reed,whichIcannotdo;IshouldblesshersonJohn,whichisimpossible。”
Inherturn,HelenBurnsaskedmetoexplain,andIproceededforthwithtopourout,inmyownway,thetaleofmysufferingsandresentments。Bitterandtruculentwhenexcited,IspokeasIfelt,withoutreserveorsoftening。
Helenheardmepatientlytotheend:Iexpectedshewouldthenmakearemark,butshesaidnothing。
“Well,”Iaskedimpatiently,“isnotMrs。Reedahard—hearted,badwoman?”
“Shehasbeenunkindtoyou,nodoubt;becauseyousee,shedislikesyourcastofcharacter,asMissScatcherddoesmine;buthowminutelyyourememberallshehasdoneandsaidtoyou!Whatasingularlydeepimpressionherinjusticeseemstohavemadeonyourheart!Noill—usagesobrandsitsrecordonmyfeelings。Wouldyounotbehappierifyoutriedtoforgetherseverity,togetherwiththepassionateemotionsitexcited?Lifeappearstometooshorttobespentinnursinganimosityorregisteringwrongs。Weare,andmustbe,oneandall,burdenedwithfaultsinthisworld:butthetimewillsooncomewhen,Itrust,weshallputthemoffinputtingoffourcorruptiblebodies;whendebasementandsinwillfallfromuswiththiscumbrousframeofflesh,andonlythesparkofthespiritwillremain,—theimpalpableprincipleoflightandthought,pureaswhenitlefttheCreatortoinspirethecreature:whenceitcameitwillreturn;perhapsagaintobecommunicatedtosomebeinghigherthanman—perhapstopassthroughgradationsofglory,fromthepalehumansoultobrightentotheseraph!Surelyitwillnever,onthecontrary,besufferedtodegeneratefrommantofiend?No;Icannotbelievethat:Iholdanothercreed:whichnooneevertaughtme,andwhichIseldommention;butinwhichIdelight,andtowhichIcling:foritextendshopetoall:itmakesEternityarest—amightyhome,notaterrorandanabyss。Besides,withthiscreed,Icansoclearlydistinguishbetweenthecriminalandhiscrime;IcansosincerelyforgivethefirstwhileIabhorthelast:withthiscreedrevengeneverworriesmyheart,degradationnevertoodeeplydisgustsme,injusticenevercrushesmetoolow:Iliveincalm,lookingtotheend。”
Helen’shead,alwaysdrooping,sankalittlelowerasshefinishedthissentence。Isawbyherlookshewishednolongertotalktome,butrathertoconversewithherownthoughts。Shewasnotallowedmuchtimeformeditation:amonitor,agreatroughgirl,presentlycameup,exclaiminginastrongCumberlandaccent—
“HelenBurns,ifyoudon’tgoandputyourdrawerinorder,andfoldupyourworkthisminute,I’lltellMissScatcherdtocomeandlookatit!”
Helensighedasherreveriefled,andgettingup,obeyedthemonitorwithoutreplyaswithoutdelay。
Chapter7
MyfirstquarteratLowoodseemedanage;andnotthegoldenageeither;itcomprisedanirksomestrugglewithdifficultiesinhabituatingmyselftonewrulesandunwontedtasks。Thefearoffailureinthesepointsharassedmeworsethanthephysicalhardshipsofmylot;thoughthesewerenotrifles。
DuringJanuary,February,andpartofMarch,thedeepsnows,and,aftertheirmelting,thealmostimpassableroads,preventedourstirringbeyondthegardenwalls,excepttogotochurch;butwithintheselimitswehadtopassanhoureverydayintheopenair。Ourclothingwasinsufficienttoprotectusfromtheseverecold:wehadnoboots,thesnowgotintoourshoesandmeltedthere:ourunglovedhandsbecamenumbedandcoveredwithchilblains,aswereourfeet:IrememberwellthedistractingirritationIenduredfromthiscauseeveryevening,whenmyfeetinflamed;andthetortureofthrustingtheswelled,raw,andstifftoesintomyshoesinthemorning。Thenthescantysupplyoffoodwasdistressing:withthekeenappetitesofgrowingchildren,wehadscarcelysufficienttokeepaliveadelicateinvalid。Fromthisdeficiencyofnourishmentresultedanabuse,whichpressedhardlyontheyoungerpupils:wheneverthefamishedgreatgirlshadanopportunity,theywouldcoaxormenacethelittleonesoutoftheirportion。ManyatimeIhavesharedbetweentwoclaimantsthepreciousmorselofbrownbreaddistributedattea—time;andafterrelinquishingtoathirdhalfthecontentsofmymugofcoffee,Ihaveswallowedtheremainderwithanaccompanimentofsecrettears,forcedfrommebytheexigencyofhunger。
Sundaysweredrearydaysinthatwintryseason。WehadtowalktwomilestoBrocklebridgeChurch,whereourpatronofficiated。Wesetoutcold,wearrivedatchurchcolder:duringthemorningservicewebecamealmostparalysed。Itwastoofartoreturntodinner,andanallowanceofcoldmeatandbread,inthesamepenuriousproportionobservedinourordinarymeals,wasservedroundbetweentheservices。
Atthecloseoftheafternoonservicewereturnedbyanexposedandhillyroad,wherethebitterwinterwind,blowingoverarangeofsnowysummitstothenorth,almostflayedtheskinfromourfaces。
IcanrememberMissTemplewalkinglightlyandrapidlyalongourdroopingline,herplaidcloak,whichthefrostywindfluttered,gatheredcloseabouther,andencouragingus,bypreceptandexample,tokeepupourspirits,andmarchforward,asshesaid,“likestalwartsoldiers。”Theotherteachers,poorthings,weregenerallythemselvestoomuchdejectedtoattemptthetaskofcheeringothers。
Howwelongedforthelightandheatofablazingfirewhenwegotback!But,tothelittleonesatleast,thiswasdenied:eachhearthintheschoolroomwasimmediatelysurroundedbyadoublerowofgreatgirls,andbehindthemtheyoungerchildrencrouchedingroups,wrappingtheirstarvedarmsintheirpinafores。
Alittlesolacecameattea—time,intheshapeofadoublerationofbread—awhole,insteadofahalf,slice—withthedeliciousadditionofathinscrapeofbutter:itwasthehebdomadaltreattowhichwealllookedforwardfromSabbathtoSabbath。Igenerallycontrivedtoreserveamoietyofthisbounteousrepastformyself;buttheremainderIwasinvariablyobligedtopartwith。
TheSundayeveningwasspentinrepeating,byheart,theChurchCatechism,andthefifth,sixth,andseventhchaptersofSt。Matthew;andinlisteningtoalongsermon,readbyMissMiller,whoseirrepressibleyawnsattestedherweariness。AfrequentinterludeoftheseperformanceswastheenactmentofthepartofEutychusbysomehalf—dozenoflittlegirls,who,overpoweredwithsleep,wouldfalldown,ifnotoutofthethirdloft,yetoffthefourthform,andbetakenuphalfdead。Theremedywas,tothrustthemforwardintothecentreoftheschoolroom,andobligethemtostandtheretillthesermonwasfinished。Sometimestheirfeetfailedthem,andtheysanktogetherinaheap;theywerethenproppedupwiththemonitors’highstools。
IhavenotyetalludedtothevisitsofMr。Brocklehurst;andindeedthatgentlemanwasfromhomeduringthegreaterpartofthefirstmonthaftermyarrival;perhapsprolonginghisstaywithhisfriendthearchdeacon:hisabsencewasarelieftome。IneednotsaythatIhadmyownreasonsfordreadinghiscoming:butcomehedidatlast。
Oneafternoon(IhadthenbeenthreeweeksatLowood),asIwassittingwithaslateinmyhand,puzzlingoverasuminlongdivision,myeyes,raisedinabstractiontothewindow,caughtsightofafigurejustpassing:Irecognisedalmostinstinctivelythatgauntoutline;andwhen,twominutesafter,alltheschool,teachersincluded,roseenmasse,itwasnotnecessaryformetolookupinordertoascertainwhoseentrancetheythusgreeted。Alongstridemeasuredtheschoolroom,andpresentlybesideMissTemple,whoherselfhadrisen,stoodthesameblackcolumnwhichhadfrownedonmesoominouslyfromthehearthrugofGateshead。Inowglancedsidewaysatthispieceofarchitecture。Yes,Iwasright:itwasMr。Brocklehurst,buttonedupinasurtout,andlookinglonger,narrower,andmorerigidthanever。
Ihadmyownreasonsforbeingdismayedatthisapparition;toowellIrememberedtheperfidioushintsgivenbyMrs。Reedaboutmydisposition,&c。;thepromisepledgedbyMr。BrocklehursttoappriseMissTempleandtheteachersofmyviciousnature。AllalongIhadbeendreadingthefulfilmentofthispromise,—Ihadbeenlookingoutdailyforthe“ComingMan,”whoseinformationrespectingmypastlifeandconversationwastobrandmeasabadchildforever:nowtherehewas。
HestoodatMissTemple’sside;hewasspeakinglowinherear:Ididnotdoubthewasmakingdisclosuresofmyvillainy;andIwatchedhereyewithpainfulanxiety,expectingeverymomenttoseeitsdarkorbturnonmeaglanceofrepugnanceandcontempt。Ilistenedtoo;andasIhappenedtobeseatedquiteatthetopoftheroom,Icaughtmostofwhathesaid:itsimportrelievedmefromimmediateapprehension。
“Isuppose,MissTemple,thethreadIboughtatLowtonwilldo;itstruckmethatitwouldbejustofthequalityforthecalicochemises,andIsortedtheneedlestomatch。YoumaytellMissSmiththatIforgottomakeamemorandumofthedarningneedles,butsheshallhavesomepaperssentinnextweek;andsheisnot,onanyaccount,togiveoutmorethanoneatatimetoeachpupil:iftheyhavemore,theyareapttobecarelessandlosethem。And,Oma’am!Iwishthewoollenstockingswerebetterlookedto!—whenIwasherelast,Iwentintothekitchen—gardenandexaminedtheclothesdryingontheline;therewasaquantityofblackhoseinaverybadstateofrepair:fromthesizeoftheholesinthemIwassuretheyhadnotbeenwellmendedfromtimetotime。”
Hepaused。
“Yourdirectionsshallbeattendedto,sir,”saidMissTemple。
“And,ma’am,”hecontinued,“thelaundresstellsmesomeofthegirlshavetwocleantuckersintheweek:itistoomuch;theruleslimitthemtoone。”
“IthinkIcanexplainthatcircumstance,sir。AgnesandCatherineJohnstonewereinvitedtotaketeawithsomefriendsatLowtonlastThursday,andIgavethemleavetoputoncleantuckersfortheoccasion。”
Mr。Brocklehurstnodded。
“Well,foronceitmaypass;butpleasenottoletthecircumstanceoccurtoooften。Andthereisanotherthingwhichsurprisedme;Ifind,insettlingaccountswiththehousekeeper,thatalunch,consistingofbreadandcheese,hastwicebeenservedouttothegirlsduringthepastfortnight。Howisthis?Ilookedovertheregulations,andIfindnosuchmealaslunchmentioned。Whointroducedthisinnovation?andbywhatauthority?”
“Imustberesponsibleforthecircumstance,sir,”repliedMissTemple:“thebreakfastwassoillpreparedthatthepupilscouldnotpossiblyeatit;andIdarednotallowthemtoremainfastingtilldinner—time。”
“Madam,allowmeaninstant。Youareawarethatmyplaninbringingupthesegirlsis,nottoaccustomthemtohabitsofluxuryandindulgence,buttorenderthemhardy,patient,self—denying。Shouldanylittleaccidentaldisappointmentoftheappetiteoccur,suchasthespoilingofameal,theunderortheoverdressingofadish,theincidentoughtnottobeneutralisedbyreplacingwithsomethingmoredelicatethecomfortlost,thuspamperingthebodyandobviatingtheaimofthisinstitution;itoughttobeimprovedtothespiritualedificationofthepupils,byencouragingthemtoevincefortitudeundertemporaryprivation。Abriefaddressonthoseoccasionswouldnotbemistimed,whereinajudiciousinstructorwouldtaketheopportunityofreferringtothesufferingsoftheprimitiveChristians;tothetormentsofmartyrs;totheexhortationsofourblessedLordHimself,callinguponHisdisciplestotakeuptheircrossandfollowHim;toHiswarningsthatmanshallnotlivebybreadalone,butbyeverywordthatproceedethoutofthemouthofGod;toHisdivineconsolations,“IfyesufferhungerorthirstforMysake,happyareye。”Oh,madam,whenyouputbreadandcheese,insteadofburntporridge,intothesechildren’smouths,youmayindeedfeedtheirvilebodies,butyoulittlethinkhowyoustarvetheirimmortalsouls!”
Mr。Brocklehurstagainpaused—perhapsovercomebyhisfeelings。MissTemplehadlookeddownwhenhefirstbegantospeaktoher;butshenowgazedstraightbeforeher,andherface,naturallypaleasmarble,appearedtobeassumingalsothecoldnessandfixityofthatmaterial;especiallyhermouth,closedasifitwouldhaverequiredasculptor’schiseltoopenit,andherbrowsettledgraduallyintopetrifiedseverity。
Meantime,Mr。Brocklehurst,standingonthehearthwithhishandsbehindhisback,majesticallysurveyedthewholeschool。Suddenlyhiseyegaveablink,asifithadmetsomethingthateitherdazzledorshockeditspupil;turning,hesaidinmorerapidaccentsthanhehadhithertoused—
“MissTemple,MissTemple,what—whatisthatgirlwithcurledhair?Redhair,ma’am,curled—curledallover?”Andextendinghiscanehepointedtotheawfulobject,hishandshakingashedidso。
“ItisJuliaSevern,”repliedMissTemple,veryquietly。
“JuliaSevern,ma’am!Andwhyhasshe,oranyother,curledhair?Why,indefianceofeverypreceptandprincipleofthishouse,doessheconformtotheworldsoopenly—hereinanevangelical,charitableestablishment—astowearherhaironemassofcurls?”
“Julia’shaircurlsnaturally,”returnedMissTemple,stillmorequietly。
“Naturally!Yes,butwearenottoconformtonature;IwishthesegirlstobethechildrenofGrace:andwhythatabundance?IhaveagainandagainintimatedthatIdesirethehairtobearrangedclosely,modestly,plainly。MissTemple,thatgirl’shairmustbecutoffentirely;Iwillsendabarberto—morrow:andIseeotherswhohavefartoomuchoftheexcrescence—thattallgirl,tellhertoturnround。Tellallthefirstformtoriseupanddirecttheirfacestothewall。”
MissTemplepassedherhandkerchiefoverherlips,asiftosmoothawaytheinvoluntarysmilethatcurledthem;shegavetheorder,however,andwhenthefirstclasscouldtakeinwhatwasrequiredofthem,theyobeyed。Leaningalittlebackonmybench,Icouldseethelooksandgrimaceswithwhichtheycommentedonthisman?uvre:itwasapityMr。Brocklehurstcouldnotseethemtoo;hewouldperhapshavefeltthat,whateverhemightdowiththeoutsideofthecupandplatter,theinsidewasfurtherbeyondhisinterferencethanheimagined。
Hescrutinisedthereverseoftheselivingmedalssomefiveminutes,thenpronouncedsentence。Thesewordsfellliketheknellofdoom—
“Allthosetop—knotsmustbecutoff。”
MissTempleseemedtoremonstrate。
“Madam,”hepursued,“IhaveaMastertoservewhosekingdomisnotofthisworld:mymissionistomortifyinthesegirlsthelustsoftheflesh;toteachthemtoclothethemselveswithshame—facednessandsobriety,notwithbraidedhairandcostlyapparel;andeachoftheyoungpersonsbeforeushasastringofhairtwistedinplaitswhichvanityitselfmighthavewoven;these,Irepeat,mustbecutoff;thinkofthetimewasted,of—”
Mr。Brocklehurstwashereinterrupted:threeothervisitors,ladies,nowenteredtheroom。Theyoughttohavecomealittlesoonertohaveheardhislectureondress,fortheyweresplendidlyattiredinvelvet,silk,andfurs。Thetwoyoungerofthetrio(finegirlsofsixteenandseventeen)hadgreybeaverhats,theninfashion,shadedwithostrichplumes,andfromunderthebrimofthisgracefulhead—dressfellaprofusionoflighttresses,elaboratelycurled;theelderladywasenvelopedinacostlyvelvetshawl,trimmedwithermine,andsheworeafalsefrontofFrenchcurls。
TheseladiesweredeferentiallyreceivedbyMissTemple,asMrs。andtheMissesBrocklehurst,andconductedtoseatsofhonouratthetopoftheroom。Itseemstheyhadcomeinthecarriagewiththeirreverendrelative,andhadbeenconductingarummagingscrutinyoftheroomupstairs,whilehetransactedbusinesswiththehousekeeper,questionedthelaundress,andlecturedthesuperintendent。TheynowproceededtoaddressdiversremarksandreproofstoMissSmith,whowaschargedwiththecareofthelinenandtheinspectionofthedormitories:butIhadnotimetolistentowhattheysaid;othermatterscalledoffandenchantedmyattention。
Hitherto,whilegatheringupthediscourseofMr。BrocklehurstandMissTemple,Ihadnot,atthesametime,neglectedprecautionstosecuremypersonalsafety;whichIthoughtwouldbeeffected,ifIcouldonlyeludeobservation。Tothisend,Ihadsatwellbackontheform,andwhileseemingtobebusywithmysum,hadheldmyslateinsuchamannerastoconcealmyface:Imighthaveescapednotice,hadnotmytreacherousslatesomehowhappenedtoslipfrommyhand,andfallingwithanobtrusivecrash,directlydrawneveryeyeuponme;Iknewitwasallovernow,and,asIstoopedtopickupthetwofragmentsofslate,Iralliedmyforcesfortheworst。Itcame。
“Acarelessgirl!”saidMr。Brocklehurst,andimmediatelyafter—“Itisthenewpupil,Iperceive。”AndbeforeIcoulddrawbreath,“ImustnotforgetIhaveawordtosayrespectingher。”Thenaloud:howlouditseemedtome!“Letthechildwhobrokeherslatecomeforward!”
OfmyownaccordIcouldnothavestirred;Iwasparalysed:butthetwogreatgirlswhositoneachsideofme,setmeonmylegsandpushedmetowardsthedreadjudge,andthenMissTemplegentlyassistedmetohisveryfeet,andIcaughtherwhisperedcounsel—
“Don’tbeafraid,Jane,Isawitwasanaccident;youshallnotbepunished。”
Thekindwhisperwenttomyheartlikeadagger。
“Anotherminute,andshewilldespisemeforahypocrite,”thoughtI;andanimpulseoffuryagainstReed,Brocklehurst,andCo。boundedinmypulsesattheconviction。IwasnoHelenBurns。
“Fetchthatstool,”saidMr。Brocklehurst,pointingtoaveryhighonefromwhichamonitorhadjustrisen:itwasbrought。
“Placethechilduponit。”
AndIwasplacedthere,bywhomIdon’tknow:Iwasinnoconditiontonoteparticulars;IwasonlyawarethattheyhadhoistedmeuptotheheightofMr。Brocklehurst’snose,thathewaswithinayardofme,andthataspreadofshotorangeandpurplesilkpelissesandacloudofsilveryplumageextendedandwavedbelowme。
Mr。Brocklehursthemmed。
“Ladies,”saidhe,turningtohisfamily,“MissTemple,teachers,andchildren,youallseethisgirl?”
Ofcoursetheydid;forIfelttheireyesdirectedlikeburning—glassesagainstmyscorchedskin。
“Youseesheisyetyoung;youobserveshepossessestheordinaryformofchildhood;GodhasgraciouslygivenhertheshapethatHehasgiventoallofus;nosignaldeformitypointsheroutasamarkedcharacter。WhowouldthinkthattheEvilOnehadalreadyfoundaservantandagentinher?Yetsuch,Igrievetosay,isthecase。”
Apause—inwhichIbegantosteadythepalsyofmynerves,andtofeelthattheRubiconwaspassed;andthatthetrial,nolongertobeshirked,mustbefirmlysustained。
“Mydearchildren,”pursuedtheblackmarbleclergyman,withpathos,“thisisasad,amelancholyoccasion;foritbecomesmydutytowarnyou,thatthisgirl,whomightbeoneofGod’sownlambs,isalittlecastaway:notamemberofthetrueflock,butevidentlyaninterloperandanalien。Youmustbeonyourguardagainsther;youmustshunherexample;ifnecessary,avoidhercompany,excludeherfromyoursports,andshutheroutfromyourconverse。Teachers,youmustwatchher:keepyoureyesonhermovements,weighwellherwords,scrutiniseheractions,punishherbodytosavehersoul:if,indeed,suchsalvationbepossible,for(mytonguefalterswhileItellit)thisgirl,thischild,thenativeofaChristianland,worsethanmanyalittleheathenwhosaysitsprayerstoBrahmaandkneelsbeforeJuggernaut—thisgirlis—aliar!”
Nowcameapauseoftenminutes,duringwhichI,bythistimeinperfectpossessionofmywits,observedallthefemaleBrocklehurstsproducetheirpocket—handkerchiefsandapplythemtotheiroptics,whiletheelderlyladyswayedherselftoandfro,andthetwoyoungeroneswhispered,“Howshocking!”Mr。Brocklehurstresumed。
“ThisIlearnedfromherbenefactress;fromthepiousandcharitableladywhoadoptedherinherorphanstate,rearedherasherowndaughter,andwhosekindness,whosegenerositytheunhappygirlrepaidbyaningratitudesobad,sodreadful,thatatlastherexcellentpatronesswasobligedtoseparateherfromherownyoungones,fearfullestherviciousexampleshouldcontaminatetheirpurity:shehassentherheretobehealed,evenastheJewsofoldsenttheirdiseasedtothetroubledpoolofBethesda;and,teachers,superintendent,Ibegofyounottoallowthewaterstostagnateroundher。”
Withthissublimeconclusion,Mr。Brocklehurstadjustedthetopbuttonofhissurtout,mutteredsomethingtohisfamily,whorose,bowedtoMissTemple,andthenallthegreatpeoplesailedinstatefromtheroom。Turningatthedoor,myjudgesaid—
“Letherstandhalf—an—hourlongeronthatstool,andletnoonespeaktoherduringtheremainderoftheday。”
TherewasI,then,mountedaloft;I,whohadsaidIcouldnotbeartheshameofstandingonmynaturalfeetinthemiddleoftheroom,wasnowexposedtogeneralviewonapedestalofinfamy。Whatmysensationswerenolanguagecandescribe;butjustastheyallrose,stiflingmybreathandconstrictingmythroat,agirlcameupandpassedme:inpassing,sheliftedhereyes。Whatastrangelightinspiredthem!Whatanextraordinarysensationthatraysentthroughme!Howthenewfeelingboremeup!Itwasasifamartyr,ahero,hadpassedaslaveorvictim,andimpartedstrengthinthetransit。Imasteredtherisinghysteria,liftedupmyhead,andtookafirmstandonthestool。HelenBurnsaskedsomeslightquestionaboutherworkofMissSmith,waschiddenforthetrivialityoftheinquiry,returnedtoherplace,andsmiledatmeassheagainwentby。Whatasmile!Irememberitnow,andIknowthatitwastheeffluenceoffineintellect,oftruecourage;itlituphermarkedlineaments,herthinface,hersunkengreyeye,likeareflectionfromtheaspectofanangel。YetatthatmomentHelenBurnsworeonherarm“theuntidybadge;”scarcelyanhouragoIhadheardhercondemnedbyMissScatcherdtoadinnerofbreadandwateronthemorrowbecauseshehadblottedanexerciseincopyingitout。Suchistheimperfectnatureofman!suchspotsarethereonthediscoftheclearestplanet;andeyeslikeMissScatcherd’scanonlyseethoseminutedefects,andareblindtothefullbrightnessoftheorb。
Chapter8
Erethehalf—hourended,fiveo’clockstruck;schoolwasdismissed,andallweregoneintotherefectorytotea。Inowventuredtodescend:itwasdeepdusk;Iretiredintoacornerandsatdownonthefloor。ThespellbywhichIhadbeensofarsupportedbegantodissolve;reactiontookplace,andsoon,sooverwhelmingwasthegriefthatseizedme,Isankprostratewithmyfacetotheground。NowIwept:HelenBurnswasnothere;nothingsustainedme;lefttomyselfIabandonedmyself,andmytearswateredtheboards。Ihadmeanttobesogood,andtodosomuchatLowood:tomakesomanyfriends,toearnrespectandwinaffection。AlreadyIhadmadevisibleprogress:thatverymorningIhadreachedtheheadofmyclass;MissMillerhadpraisedmewarmly;MissTemplehadsmiledapprobation;shehadpromisedtoteachmedrawing,andtoletmelearnFrench,ifIcontinuedtomakesimilarimprovementtwomonthslonger:andthenIwaswellreceivedbymyfellow—pupils;treatedasanequalbythoseofmyownage,andnotmolestedbyany;now,hereIlayagaincrushedandtroddenon;andcouldIeverrisemore?
“Never,”Ithought;andardentlyIwishedtodie。Whilesobbingoutthiswishinbrokenaccents,someoneapproached:Istartedup—againHelenBurnswasnearme;thefadingfiresjustshowedhercomingupthelong,vacantroom;shebroughtmycoffeeandbread。
“Come,eatsomething,”shesaid;butIputbothawayfromme,feelingasifadroporacrumbwouldhavechokedmeinmypresentcondition。Helenregardedme,probablywithsurprise:Icouldnotnowabatemyagitation,thoughItriedhard;Icontinuedtoweepaloud。Shesatdownonthegroundnearme,embracedherkneeswithherarms,andrestedherheaduponthem;inthatattitudesheremainedsilentasanIndian。Iwasthefirstwhospoke—
“Helen,whydoyoustaywithagirlwhomeverybodybelievestobealiar?”
“Everybody,Jane?Why,thereareonlyeightypeoplewhohaveheardyoucalledso,andtheworldcontainshundredsofmillions。”
“ButwhathaveItodowithmillions?Theeighty,Iknow,despiseme。”
“Jane,youaremistaken:probablynotoneintheschooleitherdespisesordislikesyou:many,Iamsure,pityyoumuch。”
“HowcantheypitymeafterwhatMr。Brocklehursthassaid?”
“Mr。Brocklehurstisnotagod:norisheevenagreatandadmiredman:heislittlelikedhere;henevertookstepstomakehimselfliked。Hadhetreatedyouasanespecialfavourite,youwouldhavefoundenemies,declaredorcovert,allaroundyou;asitis,thegreaternumberwouldofferyousympathyiftheydared。Teachersandpupilsmaylookcoldlyonyouforadayortwo,butfriendlyfeelingsareconcealedintheirhearts;andifyoupersevereindoingwell,thesefeelingswillerelongappearsomuchthemoreevidentlyfortheirtemporarysuppression。Besides,Jane”—shepaused。
“Well,Helen?”saidI,puttingmyhandintohers:shechafedmyfingersgentlytowarmthem,andwenton—
“Ifalltheworldhatedyou,andbelievedyouwicked,whileyourownconscienceapprovedyou,andabsolvedyoufromguilt,youwouldnotbewithoutfriends。”
“No;IknowIshouldthinkwellofmyself;butthatisnotenough:ifothersdon’tlovemeIwouldratherdiethanlive—Icannotbeartobesolitaryandhated,Helen。Lookhere;togainsomerealaffectionfromyou,orMissTemple,oranyotherwhomItrulylove,Iwouldwillinglysubmittohavetheboneofmyarmbroken,ortoletabulltossme,ortostandbehindakickinghorse,andletitdashitshoofatmychest—”
“Hush,Jane!youthinktoomuchoftheloveofhumanbeings;youaretooimpulsive,toovehement;thesovereignhandthatcreatedyourframe,andputlifeintoit,hasprovidedyouwithotherresourcesthanyourfeebleself,orthancreaturesfeebleasyou。Besidesthisearth,andbesidestheraceofmen,thereisaninvisibleworldandakingdomofspirits:thatworldisroundus,foritiseverywhere;andthosespiritswatchus,fortheyarecommissionedtoguardus;andifweweredyinginpainandshame,ifscornsmoteusonallsides,andhatredcrushedus,angelsseeourtortures,recogniseourinnocence(ifinnocentwebe:asIknowyouareofthischargewhichMr。Brocklehursthasweaklyandpompouslyrepeatedatsecond—handfromMrs。Reed;forIreadasincerenatureinyourardenteyesandonyourclearfront),andGodwaitsonlytheseparationofspiritfromfleshtocrownuswithafullreward。Why,then,shouldweeversinkoverwhelmedwithdistress,whenlifeissosoonover,anddeathissocertainanentrancetohappiness—toglory?”
Iwassilent;Helenhadcalmedme;butinthetranquillitysheimpartedtherewasanalloyofinexpressiblesadness。Ifelttheimpressionofwoeasshespoke,butIcouldnottellwhenceitcame;andwhen,havingdonespeaking,shebreathedalittlefastandcoughedashortcough,Imomentarilyforgotmyownsorrowstoyieldtoavagueconcernforher。
RestingmyheadonHelen’sshoulder,Iputmyarmsroundherwaist;shedrewmetoher,andwereposedinsilence。Wehadnotsatlongthus,whenanotherpersoncamein。Someheavyclouds,sweptfromtheskybyarisingwind,hadleftthemoonbare;andherlight,streaminginthroughawindownear,shonefullbothonusandontheapproachingfigure,whichweatoncerecognisedasMissTemple。