FROMTHEPREFACETOTHEENGLISHEDITIONOF
"MARKTWAIN'SSKETCHES。"
IfIweretosellthereaderabarrelofmolasses,andhe,insteadofsweeteninghissubstantialdinnerwiththesameatjudiciousintervals,shouldeattheentirebarrelatonesitting,andthenabusemeformakinghimsick,Iwouldsaythathedeservedtobemadesickfornotknowinganybetterhowtoutilizetheblessingsthisworldaffords。AndifIselltothereaderthisvolumeofnonsense,andhe,insteadofseasoninghisgraverreadingwithachapterofitnowandthen,whenhisminddemandssuchrelaxation,unwiselyoverdoseshimselfwithseveralchaptersofitatasinglesitting,hewilldeservetobenauseated,andhewillhavenobodytoblamebuthimselfifheis。Thereisnomoresininpublishinganentirevolumeofnonsensethanthereisinkeepingacandy—storewithnohardwareinit。Itlieswhollywiththecustomerwhetherhewillinjurehimselfbymeansofeither,orwillderivefromthemthebenefitswhichtheywillaffordhimifheusestheirpossibilitiesjudiciously。
Respectfullysubmitted,THEAUTHOR。
THESTORYOFASPEECH。
Anaddressdeliveredin1877,andareviewofittwenty—nineyearslater。TheoriginalspeechwasdeliveredatadinnergivenbythepublishersofTheAtlanticMonthlyinhonoroftheseventiethanniversaryofthebirthofJohnGreenleafWhittier,attheHotelBrunswick,Boston,December17,1877。
THISisanoccasionpeculiarlymeetforthediggingupofpleasantreminiscencesconcerningliteraryfolk;thereforeIwilldroplightlyintohistorymyself。StandinghereontheshoreoftheAtlanticandcontemplatingcertainofitslargestliterarybillows,Iamremindedofathingwhichhappenedtomethirteenyearsago,whenIhadjustsucceededinstirringupalittleNevadianliterarypuddlemyself,whosespume—flakeswerebeginningtoblowthinlyCaliforniaward。IstartedaninspectiontrampthroughthesouthernminesofCalifornia。Iwascallowandconceited,andIresolvedtotrythevirtueofmynomdeguerre。
Iverysoonhadanopportunity。Iknockedataminer'slonelylogcabininthefoot—hillsoftheSierrasjustatnightfall。Itwassnowingatthetime。Ajaded,melancholymanoffifty,barefooted,openedthedoortome。Whenheheardmynomdeguerrehelookedmoredejectedthanbefore。Heletmein—prettyreluctantly,Ithought—andafterthecustomarybaconandbeans,blackcoffeeandhotwhiskey,I
tookapipe。Thissorrowfulmanhadnotsaidthreewordsuptothistime。Nowhespokeupandsaid,inthevoiceofonewhoissecretlysuffering,"You'rethefourth—I'mgoingtomove。""Thefourthwhat？"saidI。"Thefourthlitterymanthathasbeenhereintwenty—fourhours—I'mgoingtomove。""Youdon'ttellme！"saidI;
"whoweretheothers？""Mr。Longfellow,Mr。Emerson,andMr。OliverWendellHolmes—consoundthelot！"
YoucaneasilybelieveIwasinterested。Isupplicated—threehotwhiskeysdidtherest—andfinallythemelancholyminerbegan。Saidhe:
"Theycameherejustatdarkyesterdayevening,andIlettheminofcourse。SaidtheyweregoingtotheYosemite。Theywerearoughlot,butthat'snothing;everybodylooksroughthattravelsafoot。Mr。
Emersonwasaseedylittlebitofachap,red—headed。Mr。Holmeswasasfatasaballoon;heweighedasmuchasthreehundred,andhaddoublechinsallthewaydowntohisstomach。Mr。Longfellowwasbuiltlikeaprize—fighter。Hisheadwascroppedandbristly,likeasifhehadawigmadeofhair—brushes。Hisnoselaystraightdownhisface,likeafingerwiththeendjointtiltedup。Theyhadbeendrinking,Icouldseethat。Andwhatqueertalktheyused！Mr。
Holmesinspectedthiscabin,thenhetookmebythebuttonhole,andsayshe:
"'ThroughthedeepcavesofthoughtIhearavoicethatsings,Buildtheemorestatelymansions,Omysoul！'
"SaysI,'Ican'taffordit,Mr。Holmes,andmoreoverIdon'twantto。'BlamedifIlikeditprettywell,either,comingfromastranger,thatway。However,Istartedtogetoutmybaconandbeans,whenMr。
Emersoncameandlookedonawhile,andthenhetakesmeasidebythebuttonholeandsays:
"'Givemeagatesformymeat;
Givemecantharidstoeat;
Fromairandoceanbringmefoods,Fromallzonesandaltitudes。'
"SaysI,'Mr。Emerson,ifyou'llexcuseme,thisain'tnohotel。'
Youseeitsortofriledme—Iwarn'tusedtothewaysoflitteryswells。ButIwentona—sweatingovermywork,andnextcomesMr。
Longfellowandbuttonholesme,andinterruptsme。Sayshe:
"'HonorbetoMudjekeewis！
YoushallhearhowPau—Puk—Keewis—'
"ButIbrokein,andsaysI,'Begyourpardon,Mr。Longfellow,ifyou'llbesokindastoholdyouryawpforaboutfiveminutesandletmegetthisgrubready,you'lldomeproud。'Well,sir,afterthey'dfilledupIsetoutthejug。Mr。Holmeslooksatit,andthenhefiresupallofasuddenandyells:
"'Flashoutastreamofblood—redwine！
ForIwoulddrinktootherdays。'
"ByGeorge,Iwasgettingkindofworkedup。Idon'tdenyit,I
wasgettingkindofworkedup。IturnstoMr。Holmes,andsaysI,'Lookyhere,myfatfriend,I'ma—runningthisshanty,andifthecourtknowsherself,you'lltakewhiskeystraightoryou'llgodry。'
Them'stheverywordsIsaidtohim。NowIdon'twanttosasssuchfamouslitterypeople,butyouseetheykindofforcedme。Thereain'tnothingunreasonable'boutme;Idon'tmindapasselofguestsa—treadin'onmytailthreeorfourtimes,butwhenitcomestostandingonitit'sdifferent,'andifthecourtknowsherself,'I
says,'you'lltakewhiskeystraightoryou'llgodry。'Well,betweendrinksthey'dswellaroundthecabinandstrikeattitudesandspout;
andprettysoontheygotoutagreasyolddeckandwenttoplayingeuchreattencentsacorner—ontrust。Ibegantonoticesomeprettysuspiciousthings。Mr。Emersondealt,lookedathishand,shookhishead,says:
"'Iamthedoubterandthedoubt—'
andca'mlybunchedthehandsandwenttoshufflingforanewlayout。
Sayshe:
"'Theyreckonillwholeavemeout;
TheyknownotwellthesubtlewaysIkeep。
Ipassanddealagain！'
"Hang'difhedidn'tgoaheadanddoit,too！Oh,hewasacoolone！
Well,inaboutaminutethingswererunningprettytight,butallofasuddenIseebyMr。Emerson'seyehejudgedhehad'em。Hehadalreadycorralledtwotricks,andeachoftheothersone。Sonowhekindofliftsalittleinhischairandsays:
"'Itireofglobesandaces！—
Toolongthegameisplayed！'
—anddownhefetchedarightbower。Mr。Longfellowsmilesassweetaspieandsays:
"'Thanks,thankstothee,myworthyfriend,Forthelessonthouhasttaught,'
—andblamedifhedidn'tdownwithanotherrightbower！Emersonclapshishandonhisbowie,Longfellowclapshisonhisrevolver,andIwentunderabunk。Therewasgoingtobetrouble;butthatmonstrousHolmesroseup,wobblinghisdoublechins,andsayshe,'Order,gentlemen;thefirstmanthatdraws,I'lllaydownonhimandsmotherhim！'AllquietonthePotomac,youbet！
"Theywereprettyhow—come—you—sobynow,andtheybeguntoblow。
Emersonsays,'ThenobbiestthingIeverwrotewas"BarbaraFrietchie。"'SaysLongfellow,'Itdon'tbeginwithmy"BiglowPapers。"'SaysHolmes,'My"Thanatopis"laysover'emboth。'Theymightynearendedinafight。Thentheywishedtheyhadsomemorecompany—andMr。Emersonpointedtomeandsays:
"'IsyondersqualidpeasantallThatthisproudnurserycouldbreed？'
"Hewasa—whettinghisbowieonhisboot—soIletitpass。Well,sir,nexttheytookitintotheirheadsthattheywouldlikesomemusic;sotheymademestandupandsing"WhenJohnnyComesMarchingHome"tillIdropped—atthirteenminutespastfourthismorning。
That'swhatI'vebeenthrough,myfriend。WhenIwokeatseven,theywereleaving,thankgoodness,andMr。Longfellowhadmyonlybootson,andhis'nunderhisarm。SaysI,'Holdon,there,Evangeline,whatareyougoingtodowiththem？'Hesays,'Goingtomaketrackswith'em;
because:
"'LivesofgreatmenallremindusWecanmakeourlivessublime;
And,departing,leavebehindusFootprintsonthesandsoftime。'
AsIsaid,Mr。Twain,youarethefourthintwenty—fourhours—andI'mgoingtomove;Iain'tsuitedtoalitteryatmosphere。"
Isaidtotheminer,"Why,mydearsir,thesewerenotthegracioussingerstowhomweandtheworldpaylovingreverenceandhomage;thesewereimpostors。"
Theminerinvestigatedmewithacalmeyeforawhile;thensaidhe,"Ah！impostors,werethey？Areyou？"
Ididnotpursuethesubject,andsincethenIhavenottravelledonmynomdeguerreenoughtohurt。SuchwasthereminiscenceIwasmovedtocontribute,Mr。Chairman。InmyenthusiasmImayhaveexaggeratedthedetailsalittle,butyouwilleasilyforgivemethatfault,sinceIbelieveitisthefirsttimeIhaveeverdeflectedfromperpendicularfactonanoccasionlikethis。
FromMarkTwain'sAutobiography。
January11,1906。
Answertoaletterreceivedthismorning:
DEARMRS。H。,—Iamforeveryourdebtorforremindingmeofthatcuriouspassageinmylife。Duringthefirstyearortwoafterithappened,Icouldnotbeartothinkofit。Mypainandshameweresointense,andmysenseofhavingbeenanimbecilesosettled,establishedandconfirmed,thatIdrovetheepisodeentirelyfrommymind—andsoallthesetwenty—eightortwenty—nineyearsIhavelivedintheconvictionthatmyperformanceofthattimewascoarse,vulgar,anddestituteofhumor。Butyoursuggestionthatyouandyourfamilyfoundhumorinittwenty—eightyearsagomovedmetolookintothematter。SoIcommissionedaBostontypewritertodelveamongtheBostonpapersofthatbygonetimeandsendmeacopyofit。
Itcamethismorning,andifthereisanyvulgarityaboutitIamnotabletodiscoverit。Ifitisn'tinnocentlyandridiculouslyfunny,Iamnojudge。Iwillseetoitthatyougetacopy。
WhatIhavesaidtoMrs。H。istrue。Ididsufferduringayearortwofromthedeephumiliationsofthatepisode。Butatlast,in1888,inVenice,mywifeandIcameacrossMr。andMrs。A。P。C。,ofConcord,Massachusetts,andafriendshipbeganthenofthesortwhichnothingbutdeathterminates。TheC。'swereverybrightpeopleandineverywaycharmingandcompanionable。WeweretogetheramonthortwoinVeniceandseveralmonthsinRome,afterward,andonedaythatlamentedbreakofminewasmentioned。AndwhenIwasonthepointoflatheringthosepeopleforbringingittomymindwhenIhadgottenthememoryofitalmostsquelched,IperceivedwithjoythattheC。'swereindignantaboutthewaythatmyperformancehadbeenreceivedinBoston。Theypouredouttheiropinionsmostfreelyandfranklyaboutthefrostyattitudeofthepeoplewhowerepresentatthatperformance,andabouttheBostonnewspapersforthepositiontheyhadtakeninregardtothematter。ThatpositionwasthatIhadbeenirreverentbeyondbelief,beyondimagination。Verywell;Ihadacceptedthatasafactforayearortwo,andhadbeenthoroughlymiserableaboutitwheneverIthoughtofit—whichwasnotfrequently,ifIcouldhelpit。WheneverIthoughtofitI
wonderedhowIevercouldhavebeeninspiredtodosounholyathing。Well,theC。'scomfortedme,buttheydidnotpersuademetocontinuetothinkabouttheunhappyepisode。Iresistedthat。I
triedtogetitoutofmymind,andletitdie,andIsucceeded。UntilMrs。H。'slettercame,ithadbeenagoodtwenty—fiveyearssinceI
hadthoughtofthatmatter;andwhenshesaidthatthethingwasfunnyIwonderedifpossiblyshemightberight。Atanyrate,mycuriositywasaroused,andIwrotetoBostonandgotthewholethingcopied,asabovesetforth。
Ivaguelyremembersomeofthedetailsofthatgathering—dimlyI
canseeahundredpeopleno,perhapsfifty—shadowyfiguressittingattablesfeeding,ghostsnowtome,andnamelessforevermore。Idon'tknowwhotheywere,butIcanverydistinctlysee,seatedatthegrandtableandfacingtherestofus,Mr。Emerson,supernaturallygrave,unsmiling？Mr。Whittier,grave,lovely,hisbeautifulspiritshiningoutofhisface;Mr。Longfellow,withhissilkenwhitehairandhisbenignantface;Dr。OliverWendellHolmes,flashingsmilesandaffectionandallgood—fellowshipeverywherelikearose—diamondwhosefacetsarebeingturnedtowardthelightfirstonewayandthenanother—acharmingman,andalwaysfascinating,whetherhewastalkingorwhetherhewassittingstill（whathewouldcallstill,butwhatwouldbemoreorlessmotiontootherpeople）。Icanseethosefigureswithentiredistinctnessacrossthisabyssoftime。
Oneotherfeatureisclear—WillieWinter（forthesepastthousandyearsdramaticeditoroftheNewYorkTribune,andstilloccupyingthathighpostinhisoldage）wasthere。Hewasmuchyoungerthenthanheisnow,andheshowedit。ItwasalwaysapleasuretometoseeWillieWinteratabanquet。DuringamatteroftwentyyearsI
wasseldomatabanquetwhereWillieWinterwasnotalsopresent,andwherehedidnotreadacharmingpoemwrittenfortheoccasion。Hediditthistime,anditwasuptostandard:dainty,happy,choicelyphrased,andasgoodtolistentoasmusic,andsoundingexactlyasifitwaspouringunpreparedoutofheartandbrain。
NowatthatpointendsallthatwaspleasurableaboutthatnotablecelebrationofMr。Whittier'sseventiethbirthday—becauseIgotupatthatpointandfollowedWinter,withwhatIhavenodoubtIsupposedwouldbethegemoftheevening—thegayorationabovequotedfromtheBostonpaper。Ihadwrittenitalloutthedaybeforeandhadperfectlymemorizedit,andIstoodupthereatmygenialandhappyandself—satisfiedease,andbegintodeliverit。Thosemajesticguests,thatrowofvenerableandstillactivevolcanoes,listened,asdideverybodyelseinthehouse,withattentiveinterest。Well,I
deliveredmyselfof—we'llsaythefirsttwohundredwordsofmyspeech。Iwasexpectingnoreturnsfromthatpartofthespeech,butthiswasnotthecaseasregardedtherestofit。Iarrivednowatthedialogue:"Theoldminersaid,'Youarethefourth,I'mgoingtomove。''Thefourthwhat？'saidI。Heanswered,'Thefourthlitterymanthathasbeenhereintwenty—fourhours。Iamgoingtomove。''Why,youdon'ttellme,'saidI。'Whoweretheothers？''Mr。Longfellow,Mr。Emerson,Mr。OliverWendellHolmes,consoundthelot—'"
Now,then,thehouse'sattentioncontinued,buttheexpressionofinterestinthefacesturnedtoasortofblackfrost。Iwonderedwhatthetroublewas。Ididn'tknow。Iwenton,butwithdifficulty—I
struggledalong,andentereduponthatminer'sfearfuldescriptionofthebogusEmerson,thebogusHolmes,thebogusLongfellow,alwayshoping—butwithagraduallyperishinghope—thatsomebodywouldlaugh,orthatsomebodywouldatleastsmile,butnobodydid。Ididn'tknowenoughtogiveitupandsitdown,Iwastoonewtopublicspeaking,andsoIwentonwiththisawfulperformance,andcarrieditclearthroughtotheend,infrontofabodyofpeoplewhoseemedturnedtostonewithhorror。ItwasthesortofexpressiontheirfaceswouldhavewornifIhadbeenmakingtheseremarksabouttheDeityandtherestoftheTrinity;thereisnomilderwayinwhichtodescribethepetrifiedconditionandtheghastlyexpressionofthosepeople。
WhenIsatdownitwaswithaheartwhichhadlongceasedtobeat。I
shallneverbeasdeadagainasIwasthen。IshallneverbeasmiserableagainasIwasthen。Ispeaknowasonewhodoesn'tknowwhattheconditionofthingsmaybeinthenextworld,butinthisoneIshallneverbeaswretchedagainasIwasthen。Howells,whowasnearme,triedtosayacomfortingword,butcouldn'tgetbeyondagasp。Therewasnouse—heunderstoodthewholesizeofthedisaster。Hehadgoodintentions,butthewordsfrozebeforetheycouldgetout。Itwasanatmospherethatwouldfreezeanything。IfBenvenutoCellini'ssalamanderhadbeeninthatplacehewouldnothavesurvivedtobeputintoCellini'sautobiography。Therewasafrightfulpause。Therewasanawfulsilence,adesolatingsilence。
Thenthenextmanonthelisthadtogetup—therewasnohelpforit。
ThatwasBishop—Bishophadjustbursthandsomelyupontheworldwithamostacceptablenovel,whichhadappearedinTheAtlanticMonthly,aplacewhichwouldmakeanynovelrespectableandanyauthornoteworthy。Inthiscasethenovelitselfwasrecognizedasbeing,withoutextraneoushelp,respectable。Bishopwasawayupinthepublicfavor,andhewasanobjectofhighinterest,consequentlytherewasasortofnationalexpectancyintheair;wemaysayourAmericanmillionswerestanding,fromMainetoTexasandfromAlaskatoFlorida,holdingtheirbreath,theirlipsparted,theirhandsreadytoapplaud,whenBishopshouldgetuponthatoccasion,andforthefirsttimeinhislifespeakinpublic。Itwasunderthesedamagingconditionsthathegotupto"makegood,"asthevulgarsay。Ihadspokenseveraltimesbefore,andthatisthereasonwhyIwasabletogoonwithoutdyinginmytracks,asIoughttohavedone—butBishophadhadnoexperience。Hewasupfacingthoseawfuldeities—
facingthoseotherpeople,thosestrangers—facinghumanbeingsforthefirsttimeinhislife,withaspeechtoutter。Nodoubtitwaswellpackedawayinhismemory,nodoubtitwasfreshandusable,untilIhadbeenheardfrom。Isupposethatafterthat,andunderthesmotheringpallofthatdrearysilence,itbegantowasteawayanddisappearoutofhisheadliketheragsbreakingfromtheedgeofafog,andpresentlytherewasn'tanyfogleft。Hedidn'tgoon—hedidn'tlastlong。Itwasnotmanysentencesafterhisfirstbeforehebegantohesitate,andbreak,andlosehisgrip,andtotter,andwobble,andatlastheslumpeddowninalimpandmushypile。
Well,theprogrammefortheoccasionwasprobablynotmorethanone—thirdfinished,butitendedthere。Nobodyrose。Thenextmanhadn'tstrengthenoughtogetup,andeverybodylookedsodazed,sostupefied,paralyzed,itwasimpossibleforanybodytodoanything,oreventry。Nothingcouldgooninthatstrangeatmosphere。Howellsmournfully,andwithoutwords,hitchedhimselftoBishopandmeandsupportedusoutoftheroom。Itwasverykind—hewasmostgenerous。Hetowedustotteringawayintosomeroominthatbuilding,andwesatdownthere。Idon'tknowwhatmyremarkwasnow,butIknowthenatureofit。Itwasthekindofremarkyoumakewhenyouknowthatnothingintheworldcanhelpyourcase。ButHowellswashonest—hehadtosaytheheart—breakingthingshedidsay:thattherewasnohelpforthiscalamity,thisshipwreck,thiscataclysm;thatthiswasthemostdisastrousthingthathadeverhappenedinanybody'shistory—andthenheadded,"Thatis,foryou—
andconsiderwhatyouhavedoneforBishop。Itisbadenoughinyourcase,youdeservetosuffer。Youhavecommittedthiscrime,andyoudeservetohaveallyouaregoingtoget。Buthereisaninnocentman。
Bishophadneverdoneyouanyharm,andseewhatyouhavedonetohim。
Hecanneverholdhisheadupagain。TheworldcanneverlookuponBishopasbeingaliveperson。Heisacorpse。"
Thatisthehistoryofthatepisodeoftwenty—eightyearsago,whichprettynearlykilledmewithshameduringthatfirstyearortwowheneveritforceditswayintomymind。
Nowthen,Itakethatspeechupandexamineit。AsIsaid,itarrivedthismorning,fromBoston。Ihavereadittwice,andunlessIamanidiot,ithasn'tasingledefectinitfromthefirstwordtothelast。Itisjustasgoodasgoodcanbe。Itissmart;itissaturatedwithhumor。Thereisn'tasuggestionofcoarsenessorvulgarityinitanywhere。Whatcouldhavebeenthematterwiththathouse？Itisamazing,itisincredible,thattheydidn'tshoutwithlaughter,andthosedeitiestheloudestofthemall。Couldthefaulthavebeenwithme？DidIlosecouragewhenIsawthosegreatmenuptherewhomIwasgoingtodescribeinsuchastrangefashion？Ifthathappened,ifIshoweddoubt,thatcanaccountforit,foryoucan'tbesuccessfullyfunnyifyoushowthatyouareafraidofit。
Well,Ican'taccountforit,butifIhadthosebelovedandreveredoldliteraryimmortalsbackherenowontheplatformatCarnegieHallIwouldtakethatsameoldspeech,deliverit,wordforword,andmeltthemtillthey'drunalloverthatstage。Oh,thefaultmusthavebeenwithme,itisnotinthespeechatall。
PLYMOUTHROCKANDTHEPILGRIMS。
ADDRESSATTHEFIRSTANNUALDINNER,N。E。SOCIETY,PHILADELPHIA,DECEMBER22,1881。
OncallinguponMr。Clemenstomakeresponse,PresidentRollinssaid:
"ThissentimenthasbeenassignedtoonewhowasneverexactlyborninNewEngland,nor,perhaps,wereanyofhisancestors。Heisnottechnically,therefore,ofNewEnglanddescent。Underthepainfulcircumstancesinwhichhehasfoundhimself,however,hehasdonethebesthecould—hehashadallhischildrenbornthere,andhasmadeofhimselfaNewEnglandancestor。Heisaself—mademan。
Morethanthis,andbettereven,incheerful,hopeful,helpfulliteratureheisofNewEnglandascent。Toascendthereinanythingthat'sreasonableisdifficult,for—confidentially,withthedoorshut—weallknowthattheyarethebrightest,ablestsonsofthatgoodlylandwhoneverleaveit,anditisamongandabovethemthatMr。Twainhasmadehisbrilliantandpermanentascent—becomeamanofmark。"
IRISEtoprotest。Ihavekeptstillforyears,butreallyIthinkthereisnosufficientjustificationforthissortofthing。Whatdoyouwanttocelebratethosepeoplefor？—thoseancestorsofyoursof1620—theMayflowertribe,Imean。Whatdoyouwanttocelebratethemfor？Yourpardon:thegentlemanatmyleftassuresmethatyouarenotcelebratingthePilgrimsthemselves,butthelandingofthePilgrimsatPlymouthRockonthe22dofDecember。Soyouarecelebratingtheirlanding。Why,theotherpretextwasthinenough,butthisisthinnerthanever;theotherwastissue,tinfoil,fish—bladder,butthisisgold—leaf。Celebratingtheirlanding！Whatwasthereremarkableaboutit,Iwouldliketoknow？Whatcanyoubethinkingof？Why,thosePilgrimshadbeenatseathreeorfourmonths。
Itwastheverymiddleofwinter:itwasascoldasdeathoffCapeCodthere。Whyshouldn'ttheycomeashore？Iftheyhadn'tlandedtherewouldbesomereasonforcelebratingthefact。Itwouldhavebeenacaseofmonumentalleatherheadednesswhichtheworldwouldnotwillinglyletdie。Ifithadbeenyou,gentlemen,youprobablywouldn'thavelanded,butyouhavenoshadowofrighttobecelebrating,inyourancestors,giftswhichtheydidnotexercise,butonlytransmitted。Why,tobecelebratingthemerelandingofthePilgrims—tobetryingtomakeoutthatthismostnaturalandsimpleandcustomaryprocedurewasanextraordinarycircumstance—acircumstancetobeamazedat,andadmired,aggrandizedandglorified,atorgieslikethisfortwohundredandsixtyyears—hangit,ahorsewouldhaveknownenoughtoland;ahorse—Pardonagain;
thegentlemanonmyrightassuresmethatitwasnotmerelythelandingofthePilgrimsthatwearecelebrating,butthePilgrimsthemselves。Sowehavestruckaninconsistencyhere—onesaysitwasthelanding,theothersaysitwasthePilgrims。Itisaninconsistencycharacteristicofyourintractableanddisputatioustribe,foryouneveragreeaboutanythingbutBoston。Well,then,whatdoyouwanttocelebratethosePilgrimsfor？Theywereamightyhardlot—youknowit。Igrantyou,withouttheslightestunwillingness,thattheywereadealmoregentleandmercifulandjustthanwerethepeopleofEuropeofthatday;Igrantyouthattheyarebetterthantheirpredecessors。Butwhatofthat？—thatisnothing。Peoplealwaysprogress。Youarebetterthanyourfathersandgrandfatherswere（thisisthefirsttimeIhaveeveraimedameasurelessslanderatthedeparted,forIconsidersuchthingsimproper）。Yes,thoseamongyouwhohavenotbeeninthepenitentiary,ifsuchtherebe,arebetterthanyourfathersandgrandfatherswere;butisthatanysufficientreasonforgettingupannualdinnersandcelebratingyou？
No,bynomeans—bynomeans。Well,Irepeat,thosePilgrimswereahardlot。Theytookgoodcareofthemselves,buttheyabolishedeverybodyelse'sancestors。Iamaborder—ruffianfromtheStateofMissouri。IamaConnecticutYankeebyadoption。Inme,youhaveMissourimorals,Connecticutculture;this,gentlemen,isthecombinationwhichmakestheperfectman。Butwherearemyancestors？
WhomshallIcelebrate？WhereshallIfindtherawmaterial？
MyfirstAmericanancestor,gentlemen,wasanIndian—anearlyIndian。Yourancestorsskinnedhimalive,andIamanorphan。NotonedropofmybloodflowsinthatIndian'sveinstoday。Istandhere,loneandforlorn,withoutanancestor。Theyskinnedhim！Idonotobjecttothat,iftheyneededhisfur;butalive,gentlemen—alive！
Theyskinnedhimalive—andbeforecompany！Thatiswhatrankles。
Thinkhowhemusthavefelt;forhewasasensitivepersonandeasilyembarrassed。Ifhehadbeenabird,itwouldhavebeenallright,andnoviolencedonetohisfeelings,becausehewouldhavebeenconsidered"dressed。"Buthewasnotabird,gentlemen,hewasaman,andprobablyoneofthemostundressedmenthateverwas。Iaskyoutoputyourselvesinhisplace。Iaskitasafavor;Iaskitasatardyactofjustice;Iaskitintheinterestoffidelitytothetraditionsofyourancestors;Iaskitthattheworldmaycontemplate,withvisionunobstructedbydisguisingswallow—tailsandwhitecravats,thespectaclewhichthetrueNewEnglandSocietyoughttopresent。Ceasetocometotheseannualorgiesinthishollowmodernmockery—thesurplusageofraiment。Comeincharacter;comeinthesummergrace,comeintheunadornedsimplicity,comeinthefreeandjoyouscostumewhichyoursaintedancestorsprovidedformine。
LaterancestorsofmineweretheQuakersWilliamRobinson,MarmadukeStevenson,etal。Yourtribechasedthemoutofthecountryfortheirreligion'ssake;promisedthemdeathiftheycameback;foryourancestorshadforsakenthehomestheyloved,andbravedtheperilsofthesea,theimplacableclimate,andthesavagewilderness,toacquirethathighestandmostpreciousofboons,freedomforeverymanonthisbroadcontinenttoworshipaccordingtothedictatesofhisownconscience—andtheywerenotgoingtoallowalotofpestiferousQuakerstointerferewithit。Yourancestorsbrokeforeverthechainsofpoliticalslavery,andgavethevotetoeverymaninthiswideland,excludingnone！—noneexceptthosewhodidnotbelongtotheorthodoxchurch。Yourancestors—yes,theywereahardlot;but,nevertheless,theygaveusreligiouslibertytoworshipastheyrequiredustoworship,andpoliticallibertytovoteasthechurchrequired;andsoIthebereftone,Itheforlornone,amheretodomybesttohelpyoucelebratethemright。
TheQuakerwomanElizabethHootonwasanancestressofmine。Yourpeoplewereprettyseverewithher—youwillconfessthat。But,poorthing！Ibelievetheychangedheropinionsbeforeshedied,andtookherintotheirfold;andsowehaveeveryreasontopresumethatwhenshediedshewenttothesameplacewhichyourancestorswentto。
Itisagreatpity,forshewasagoodwoman。RogerWilliamswasanancestorofmine。Idon'treallyrememberwhatyourpeopledidwithhim。ButtheybanishedhimtoRhodeIsland,anyway。Andthen,I
believe,recognizingthatthiswasreallycarryingharshnesstoanunjustifiableextreme,theytookpityonhimandburnedhim。Theywereahardlot！AllthoseSalemwitcheswereancestorsofmine！Yourpeoplemadeittropicalforthem。Yes,theydid;bypressureandthegallowstheymadesuchacleandealwiththemthattherehasn'tbeenawitchandhardlyahalterinourfamilyfromthatdaytothis,andthatisonehundredandeighty—nineyears。ThefirstslavebroughtintoNewEnglandoutofAfricabyyourprogenitorswasanancestorofmine—forIamofamixedbreed,aninfinitelyshadedandexquisiteMongrel。I'mnotoneofyourshammeerschaumsthatyoucancolorinaweek。No,mycomplexionisthepatientartofeightgenerations。
Well,inmyowntime,Ihadacquiredalotofmykin—bypurchase,andswappingaround,andonewayandanother—andwasgettingalongverywell。Then,withtheinbornperversityofyourlineage,yougotupawar,andtookthemallawayfromme。Andso,againamIbereft,againamIforlorn;nodropofmybloodflowsintheveinsofanylivingbeingwhoismarketable。
Omyfriends,hearmeandreform！Iseekyourgood,notmine。Youhaveheardthespeeches。DisbandtheseNewEnglandsocieties—
nurseriesofasystemofsteadilyaugmentinglaudationandhosannaing,which,ifpersistedinuncurbed,maysomedayintheremotefuturebeguileyouintoprevaricatingandbragging。Oh,stop,stop,whileyouarestilltemperateinyourappreciationofyourancestors！Hearme,I
beseechyou;getupanauctionandsellPlymouthRock！ThePilgrimswereasimpleandignorantrace。Theyneverhadseenanygoodrocksbefore,oratleastanythatwerenotwatched,andsotheywereexcusableforhoppingashoreinfranticdelightandclappinganironfencearoundthisone。Butyou,gentlemen,areeducated;youareenlightened;youknowthatintherichlandofyournativity,opulentNewEngland,overflowingwithrocks,thisoneisn'tworth,attheoutside,morethanthirty—fivecents。Therefore,sellit,beforeitisinjuredbyexposure,oratleastthrowitopentothepatent—medicineadvertisements,andletitearnitstaxes。
Yes,hearyourtruefriend—youronlytruefriend—listtohisvoice。Disbandthesesocieties,hotbedsofvice,ofmoraldecay—
perpetuatorsofancestralsuperstition。HereonthisboardIseewater,Iseemilk,Iseethewildanddeadlylemonade。Thesearebutstepsuponthedownwardpath。Nextweshallseetea,thenchocolate,thencoffee—hotelcoffee。Afewmoreyears—alltoofew,Ifear—markmywords,weshallhavecider！Gentlemen,pauseereitbetoolate。
Youareonthebroadroadwhichleadstodissipation,physicalruin,moraldecay,gorycrimeandthegallows！Ibeseechyou,Iimploreyou,inthenameofyouranxiousfriends,inthenameofyoursufferingfamilies,inthenameofyourimpendingwidowsandorphans,stopereitbetoolate。DisbandtheseNewEnglandsocieties,renouncethesesoul—blisteringsaturnalia,ceasefromvarnishingtherustyreputationsofyourlong—vanishedancestors—thesuper—high—moraloldiron—cladsofCapeCod,thepiousbuccaneersofPlymouthRock—