Why,ifamanwhoisnotevenmad,butonlystrenuous—strenuousaboutrace—suicide—shouldcometomeandtrytogetmetousemylargepoliticalandecclesiasticalinfluencetogetabillpassedbythisCongresslimitingfamiliestotwenty—twochildrenbyonemother,Ishouldtrytocalmhimdown。Ishouldreasonwithhim。I
shouldsaytohim,"Leaveitalone。Leaveitaloneanditwilltakecareofitself。OnlyonecoupleayearintheUnitedStatescanreachthatlimit。Iftheyhavereachedthatlimitletthemgorighton。Letthemhaveallthelibertytheywant。Inrestrictingthatfamilytotwenty—twochildrenyouaremerelyconferringdiscomfortandunhappinessononefamilyperyearinanationof88,000,000,whichisnotworthwhile。"
Itistheverysamewithcopyright。Oneauthorperyearproducesabookwhichcanoutlivetheforty—two—yearlimit;that'sall。Thisnationcan'tproducetwoauthorsayearthatcandoit;thethingisdemonstrablyimpossible。Allthatthelimitedcopyrightcandoistotakethebreadoutofthemouthsofthechildrenofthatoneauthorperyear。
Imadeanestimatesomeyearsago,whenIappearedbeforeacommitteeoftheHouseofLords,thatwehadpublishedinthiscountrysincetheDeclarationofIndependence220,000books。Theyhaveallgone。Theyhadallperishedbeforetheyweretenyearsold。Itisonlyonebookin1000thatcanoutlivetheforty—two—yearlimit。
Thereforewhyputalimitatall？Youmightaswelllimitthefamilytotwenty—twochildren。
IfyourecalltheAmericansinthenineteenthcenturywhowrotebooksthatlivedforty—twoyearsyouwillhavetobeginwithCooper;
youcanfollowwithWashingtonIrving,HarrietBeecherStowe,EdgarAllanPoe,andthereyouhavetowaitalongtime。YoucometoEmerson,andyouhavetostandstillandlookfurther。YoufindHowellsandT。B。Aldrich,and,thenyournumbersbegintorunprettythin,andyouquestionifyoucannametwentypersonsintheUnitedStateswhoinawholecenturyhavewrittenbooksthatwouldliveforty—twoyears。Why,youcouldtakethemallandputthemononebenchthere[pointing]。Addthewivesandchildrenandyoucouldputtheresultontwoorthreemorebenches。
Onehundredpersons—thatisthelittle,insignificantcrowdwhosebread—and—butteristobetakenawayforwhatpurpose,forwhatprofittoanybody？Youturnthesefewbooksintothehandsofthepirateandofthelegitimatepublisher,too,andtheygettheprofitthatshouldhavegonetothewifeandchildren。
WhenIappearedbeforethatcommitteeoftheHouseofLordsthechairmanaskedmewhatlimitIwouldpropose。Isaid,"Perpetuity。"
Icouldseesomeresentmentinhismanner,andhesaidtheideawasillogical,forthereasonthatithaslongagobeendecidedthattherecanbenosuchthingaspropertyinideas。IsaidtherewaspropertyinideasbeforeQueenAnne'stime;theyhadperpetualcopyright。Hesaid,"Whatisabook？Abookisjustbuiltfrombasetoroofonideas,andtherecanbenopropertyinit。"
IsaidIwishedhecouldmentionanykindofpropertyonthisplanetthathadapecuniaryvaluewhichwasnotderivedfromanideaorideas。Hesaidrealestate。Iputasupposititiouscase,adozenEnglishmenwhotravelthroughSouthAfricaandcampout,andelevenofthemseenothingatall;theyarementallyblind。Butthereisoneinthepartywhoknowswhatthisharbormeansandwhatthelayofthelandmeans。Tohimitmeansthatsomedayarailwaywillgothroughhere,andthereonthatharboragreatcitywillspringup。
Thatishisidea。Andhehasanotheridea,whichistogoandtradehislastbottleofScotchwhiskeyandhislasthorse—blankettotheprincipalchiefofthatregionandbuyapieceoflandthesizeofPennsylvania。ThatwasthevalueofanideathatthedaywouldcomewhentheCapetoCairoRailwaywouldbebuilt。
Everyimprovementthatisputupontherealestateistheresultofanideainsomebody'shead。Theskyscraperisanotheridea;therailroadisanother;thetelephoneandallthosethingsaremerelysymbolswhichrepresentideas。Anandiron,awash—tub,istheresultofanideathatdidnotexistbefore。
Soif,asthatgentlemansaid,abookdoesconsistsolelyofideas,thatisthebestargumentintheworldthatitisproperty,andshouldnotbeunderanylimitationatall。Wedon'taskforthat。
Fiftyyearsfromnowweshallaskforit。
Ihopethebillwillpasswithoutanydeleteriousamendments。IdoseemtobeextraordinarilyinterestedinawholelotofartsandthingsthatIhavegotnothingtodowith。Itisapartofmygenerous,liberalnature;Ican'thelpit。Ifeelthesamesortofcharitytoeverybodythatwasmanifestedbyagentlemanwhoarrivedathomeattwoo'clockinthemorningfromtheclubandwasfeelingsoperfectlysatisfiedwithlife,sohappy,andsocomfortable,andtherewashishouseweaving,weaving,weavingaround。Hewatchedhischance,andbyandbywhenthestepsgotinhisneighborhoodhemadeajumpandclimbedupandgotontheportico。
Andthehousewentonweavingandweavingandweaving,buthewatchedthedoor,andwhenitcamearoundhiswayheplungedthroughit。Hegottothestairs,andwhenhewentuponallfoursthehousewassounsteadythathecouldhardlymakehisway,butatlasthegottothetopandraisedhisfootandputitonthetopstep。Butonlythetoehitchedonthestep,andherolleddownandfetcheduponthebottomstep,withhisarmaroundthenewel—post,andhesaid:"Godpitythepoorsailorsoutatseaonanightlikethis。"
INAIDOFTHEBLIND。
ADDRESSATAPUBLICMEETINGOFTHENEWYORK
ASSOCIATIONFORPROMOTINGTHEINTERESTS
OFTHEBLINDATTHEWALDORF—ASTORIA,MARCH29,1906。
IFYoudetectanyawkwardnessinmymovementsandinfelicitiesinmyconductIwilloffertheexplanationthatIneverpresidedatameetingofanykindbeforeinmylife,andthatIdofinditoutofmyline。IsupposedIcoulddoanythinganybodyelsecould,butI
recognizethatexperiencehelps,andIdofeelthelackofthatexperience。Idon'tfeelasgracefulandeasyasIoughttobein—ordertoimpressanaudience。IshallnotpretendthatIknowhowtoumpireameetinglikethis,andIshalljusttakethehumbleplaceoftheEssexband。
TherewasagreatgatheringinasmallNewEnglandtownabouttwenty—fiveyearsago。Irememberthatcircumstancebecausetherewassomethingthathappenedatthattime。Itwasagreatoccasion。
Theygatheredinthemilitiaandoratorsandeverybodyfromallthetownsaround。Itwasanextraordinaryoccasion。
Thelittlelocalpaperthrewitselfintoecstasiesofadmirationandtriedtodoitselfproudfrombeginningtoend。Itpraisedtheorators,themilitia,andallthebandsthatcamefromeverywhere,andallthisinhonestcountrynewspaperdetail,butthewriterranoutofadjectivestowardtheend。Havingexhaustedhiswholemagazineofpraiseandglorification,hefoundhestillhadonebandleftover。Hehadtosaysomethingaboutit,andhesaid:"TheEssexbanddonethebestitcould。"
IamanEssexbandonthisoccasion,andIamgoingtogetthroughaswellasinexperienceandgoodintentionswillenableme。Ihavegotallthedocumentsherenecessarytoinstructyouintheobjectsandintentionsofthismeetingandalsooftheassociationwhichhascalledthemeeting。Buttheyaretoovoluminous。Icouldnotpackthosestatisticsintomyhead,andIhadtogiveitup。Ishallhavetojustreduceallthatmassofstatisticstoafewsalientfacts。
Therearetoomanystatisticsandfiguresforme。Inevercoulddoanythingwithfigures,neverhadanytalentformathematics,neveraccomplishedanythinginmyeffortsatthatruggedstudy,andto—daytheonlymathematicsIknowismultiplication,andtheminuteIgetawayupinthat,assoonasIreachninetimesseven—
[Mr。Clemenslapsedintodeepthoughtforamoment。Hewastryingtofigureoutninetimesseven,butitwasahopelesstask,andheturnedtoSt。ClairMcKelway,whosatnearhim。Mr。McKelwaywhisperedtheanswer,andthespeakerresumed:]
I'vegotitnow。It'seighty—four。Well,Icangetthatfarallrightwithalittlehesitation。AfterthatIamuncertain,andIcan'tmanageastatistic。
"Thisassociationforthe"—
[Mr。Clemenswasinanotherdilemma。AgainhewasobligedtoturntoMr。McKelway。]
Ohyes,forpromotingtheinterestsoftheblind。It'salongname。IfIcouldIwouldwriteitoutforyouandletyoutakeithomeandstudyit,butIdon'tknowhowtospellit。AndMr。CarnegieisdowninVirginiasomewhere。Well,anyway,theobjectofthatassociationwhichhasbeenrecentlyorganized,fivemonthsago,infact,isinthehandsofvery,veryenergetic,intelligent,andcapablepeople,andtheywillpushittosuccessverysurely,andallthemoresurelyifyouwillgivethemalittleofyourassistanceoutofyourpockets。
Theintention,thepurpose,istosearchoutalltheblindandfindworkforthemtodosothattheymayearntheirownbread。Nowitisdismalenoughtobeblind—itisdreary,drearylifeatbest,butitcanbelargelyamelioratedbyfindingsomethingforthesepoorblindpeopletodowiththeirhands。Thetimepassessoheavilythatitisneverdayornightwiththem,itisalwaysnight,andwhentheyhavetositwithfoldedhandsandwithnothingtodotoamuseorentertainoremploytheirminds,itisdrearieranddrearier。
Andthentheknowledgetheyhavethattheymustsubsistoncharity,andsooftenreluctantcharity,itwouldrenewtheirlivesiftheycouldhavesomethingtodowiththeirhandsandpasstheirtimeandatthesametimeearntheirbread,andknowthesweetnessofthebreadwhichistheresultofthelaborofone'sownhands。Theyneedthatcheerandpleasure。Itistheonlywayyoucanturntheirnightintoday,togivethemhappyhearts,theonlythingyoucanputintheplaceoftheblessedsun。ThatyoucandointhewayIspeakof。
Blindpeoplegenerallywhohaveseenthelightknowwhatitistomissthelight。Thosewhohavegoneblindsincetheyweretwentyyearsold—theirlivesareunendinglydreary。Buttheycanbetaughttousetheirhandsandtoemploythemselvesatagreatmanyindustries。
ThatassociationfromwhichthisdrawsitsbirthinCambridge,Massachusetts,hastaughtitsblindtomakemanythings。Theymakethembetterthanmostpeople,andmorehonestthanpeoplewhohavetheuseoftheireyes。Thegoodstheymakearereadilysalable。Peoplelikethem。Andsotheyaresupportingthemselves,anditisamatterofcheer,cheer。Theypasstheirtimenownottooirksomelyastheyformerlydid。
Whatthisassociationneedsandwantsis$15,000。Thefiguresaresetdown,andwhatthemoneyisfor,andthereisnograftinitorIwouldnotbehere。Andtheyhopetobeguilethatoutofyourpockets,andyouwillfindaffixedtotheprogrammeanopportunity,thatlittleblankwhichyouwillfilloutandpromisesomuchmoneynoworto—morroworsometime。Then,thereisanotheropportunitywhichisstillbetter,andthatisthatyoushallsubscribeanannualsum。
Ihaveinventedagoodmanyusefulthingsinmytime,butneveranythingbetterthanthatofgettingmoneyoutofpeoplewhodon'twanttopartwithit。Itisalwaysforgoodobjects,ofcourse。Thisistheplan:Whenyoucalluponapersontocontributetoagreatandgoodobject,andyouthinkheshouldfurnishabout$1000,hedisappointsyouaslikeasnot。Muchthebestwaytoworkhimtosupplythatthousanddollarsistosplititintopartsandcontribute,sayahundreddollarsayear,orfifty,orwhateverthesummaybe。
Lethimcontributetenortwentyayear。Hedoesn'tfeelthat,buthedoesfeelitwhenyoucalluponhimtocontributealargeamount。
Whenyougetusedtoityouwouldrathercontributethanborrowmoney。
ItrieditinHelenKeller'scase。Mr。Huttonwrotemein1896or1897whenIwasinLondonandsaid:"ThegentlemanwhohasbeensoliberalintakingcareofHelenKellerhasdiedwithoutmakingprovisionforherinhiswill,andnowtheydon'tknowwhattodo。"
Theywereproposingtoraiseafund,andhethought$50,000enoughtofurnishanincomeof$2400or$2500ayearforthesupportofthatwonderfulgirlandherwonderfulteacher,MissSullivan,nowMrs。
Macy。IwrotetoMr。Huttonandsaid:"Goon,getupyourfund。Itwillbeslow,butifyouwantquickwork,Iproposethissystem,"
thesystemIspeakof,ofaskingpeopletocontributesuchandsuchasumfromyeartoyearanddropoutwhenevertheyplease,andhewouldfindtherewouldn'tbeanydifficulty,peoplewouldn'tfeeltheburdenofit。Andhewrotebacksayinghehadraisedthe$2400ayearindefinitelybythatsysteminasingleafternoon。Wewouldliketodosomethingjustlikethatto—night。Wewilltakeasmanychecksasyoucaretogive。Youcanleaveyourdonationsinthebigroomoutside。
Iknewoncewhatitwastobeblind。Ishallneverforgetthatexperience。Ihavebeenasblindasanybodyeverwasforthreeorfourhours,andthesufferingsthatIenduredandthemishapsandtheaccidentsthatareburninginmymemorymakemysympathyrisewhenI
feelfortheblindandalwaysshallfeel。IoncewenttoHeidelbergonanexcursion。Itookaclergymanalongwithme,theRev。JosephTwichell,ofHartford,whoisstillamongthelivingdespitethatfact。IalwaystravelwithclergymenwhenIcan。Itisbetterforthem,itisbetterforme。Andanypreacherwhogoesoutwithmeinstormyweatherandwithoutalightningrodisagoodone。TheReverendTwichellisoneofthosepeoplefilledwithpatienceandendurance,twogoodingredientsforamantravellingwithme,sowegotalongverywelltogether。Inthatoldtowntheyhavenotalteredahousenorbuiltonein1500years。WewenttotheinnandtheyplacedTwichellandmeinamostcolossalbedroom,thelargestIeversaworheardof。
Itwasasbigasthisroom。
Ididn'ttakemuchnoticeoftheplace。Ididn'treallygetmybearings。InoticedTwichellgotaGermanbedabouttwofeetwide,thekindinwhichyou'vegottolieonyouredge,becausethereisn'troomtolieonyourback,andhewaswaydownsouthinthatbigroom,andI
waswayupnorthattheotherendofit,witharegularSaharainbetween。
Wewenttobed。Twichellwenttosleep,butthenhehadhisconscienceloadedanditwaseasyforhimtogettosleep。I
couldn'tgettosleep。Itwasoneofthosetorturingkindsoflovelysummernightswhenyouhearvariouskindsofnoisesnowandthen。A
mouseawayoffinthesouthwest。Youthrowthingsatthemouse。Thatencouragesthemouse。ButIcouldn'tstandit,andabouttwoo'clockI
gotupandthoughtIwouldgiveitupandgooutinthesquarewheretherewasoneofthosetinklingfountains,andsitonitsbrinkanddream,fullofromance。
Igotoutofbed,andIoughttohavelitacandle,butIdidn'tthinkofituntilitwastoolate。Itwasthedarkestplacethateverwas。Therehasneverbeendarknessanythickerthanthat。Itjustlayincakes。
IthoughtthatbeforedressingIwouldaccumulatemyclothes。I
pawedaroundinthedarkandfoundeverythingpackedtogetheronthefloorexceptonesock。Icouldn'tgetonthetrackofthatsock。Itmighthaveoccurredtomethatmaybeitwasinthewash。ButI
didn'tthinkofthat。Iwentexcursioningonmyhandsandknees。
PresentlyIthought,"Iamnevergoingtofindit;I'llgobacktobedagain。"ThatiswhatItriedtododuringthenextthreehours。I
hadlostthebearingsofthatbed。Iwasgoinginthewrongdirectionallthetime。By—and—byIcameincollisionwithachairandthatencouragedme。
Itseemedtome,asfarasIcouldrecollect,therewasonlyachairhereandthereandyonder,fiveorsixofthemscatteredoverthisterritory,andIthoughtmaybeafterIfoundthatchairImightfindthenextone。Well,Idid。AndIfoundanotherandanotherandanother。Ikeptgoingaroundonmyhandsandknees,havingthosesuddencollisions,andfinallywhenIbangedintoanotherchairI
almostlostmytemper。AndIraisedup,garbedasIwas,notforpublicexhibition,rightinfrontofamirrorfifteenorsixteenfeethigh。
Ihadn'tnoticedthemirror;didn'tknowitwasthere。AndwhenI
sawmyselfinthemirrorIwasfrightenedoutofmywits。Idon'tallowanyghoststobiteme,andItookupachairandsmashedatit。Amillionpieces。ThenIreflected。That'sthewayIalwaysdo,andit'sunprofitableunlessamanhashadmuchexperiencethatwayandhasclearjudgment。AndIhadjudgment,andIwouldhavehadtopayforthatmirrorifIhadn'trecollectedtosayitwasTwichellwhobrokeit。
ThenIgotdownonmyhandsandkneesandwentonanotherexploringexpedition。
AsfarasIcouldrememberthereweresixchairsinthatOklahoma,andonetable,agreatbigheavytable,notagoodtabletohitwithyourheadwhenrushingmadlyalong。InthecourseoftimeIcollidedwiththirty—fivechairsandtablesenoughtostockthatdining—roomoutthere。Itwasahospitalfordecayedfurniture,anditwasinaworseconditionwhenIgotthroughwithit。Iwentonandon,andatlastgottoaplacewhereIcouldfeelmywayup,andtherewasashelf。Iknewthatwasn'tinthemiddleoftheroom。UptothattimeI
wasafraidIhadgottenoutofthecity。
Iwasverycarefulandpawedalongthatshelf,andtherewasapitcherofwateraboutafoothigh,anditwasattheheadofTwichell'sbed,butIdidn'tknowit。IfeltthatpitchergoingandIgrabbedatit,butitdidn'thelpanyandcamerightdowninTwichell'sfaceandnearlydrownedhim。Butitwokehimup。Iwasgratefultohavecompanyonanyterms。Helitamatch,andthereI
was,waydownsouthwhenIoughttohavebeenbackupyonder。Mybedwasoutofsightitwassofaraway。Youneededatelescopetofindit。TwichellcomfortedmeandIscrubbedhimoffandwegotsociable。
Butthatnightwasn'twasted。Ihadmypedometeronmyleg。TwichellandIwereinapedometermatch。TwichellhadlongerlegsthanI。
TheonlywayIcouldkeepupwastowearmypedometertobed。Ialwayswalkinmysleep,andonthisoccasionIgainedsixteenmilesonhim。Afterall,Ineverfoundthatsock。Ineverhaveseenitfromthatdaytothis。Butthatadventuretaughtmewhatitistobeblind。
Thatwasoneofthemostseriousoccasionsofmywholelife,yetI
nevercanspeakofitwithoutsomebodythinkingitisn'tserious。
YoutryitandseehowseriousitistobeastheblindareandI
wasthatnight。
[Mr。Clemensreadseverallettersofregret。HethenintroducedJosephH。Choate,saying:]
ItisnowmyprivilegetopresenttoyouMr。Choate。Idon'thavetoreallyintroducehim。Idon'thavetopraisehim,ortoflatterhim。I
couldsaytrulythatintheforty—sevenyearsIhavebeenfamiliarlyacquaintedwithhimhehasalwaysbeenthehandsomestmanAmericahaseverproduced。AndIhopeandbelievehewillholdthebeltforty—fiveyearsmore。Hehasservedhiscountryably,faithfully,andbrilliantly。Hestandsatthesummit,attheverytopintheesteemandregardofhiscountrymen,andifIcouldsayonewordwhichwouldlifthimanyhigherinhiscountrymen'sesteemandaffection,Iwouldsaythatwordwhetheritwastrueornot。
DR。MARKTWAIN,FARMEOPATH。
ADDRESSATTHEANNUALDINNEROFTHENEWYORKPOST—GRADUATE
MEDICALSCHOOLANDHOSPITAL,JANUARY21,1909。
Thepresident,Dr。GeorgeN。Miller,inintroducingMr。Clemens,referredtohislateexperiencewithburglars。
GENTLEMENANDDOCTORS,—Iamgladtobeamongmyownkindto—night。Iwasonceasharpshooter,butnowIpractiseamuchhigherandequallyasdeadlyaprofession。Itwasn'tsoverylongagothatIbecameamemberofyourcult,andforthetimeI'vebeeninthebusinessmyrecordisonethatcan'tbescoffedat。
Astotheburglars,Iamperfectlyfamiliarwiththesepeople。I
havealwayshadagooddealtodowithburglars—notofficially,butthroughtheirattentionstome。Ineversufferedanythingatthehandsofaburglar。Theyhaveinvadedmyhousetimeandtimeagain。Theynevergotanything。ThenthosepeoplewhoburglarizedourhouseinSeptember—wegotbacktheplatedwaretheytookoff,wejailedthem,andIhavebeensorryeversince。Theydidusagreatservice—
theyscaredoffalltheservantsintheplace。
IconsidertheChildren'sTheatre,ofwhichIampresident,andthePost—GraduateMedicalSchoolasthetwogreatestinstitutionsinthecountry。Thisschool,inbringingitstwentythousandphysiciansfromallpartsofthecountry,bringingthemuptodate,andsendingthembackwithrenewedconfidence,hassurelysavedhundredsofthousandsofliveswhichotherwisewouldhavebeenlost。
Ihavebeenpractisingnowforsevenmonths。WhenIsettledonmyfarminConnecticutinJuneIfoundthecommunityverythinlysettled—
andsinceIhavebeenengagedinpracticeithasbecomemorethinlysettledstill。Thisgratifiesme,asindicatingthatIammakinganimpressiononmycommunity。Isupposeitisthesamewithallofyou。
IhavealwaysfeltthatIoughttodosomethingforyou,andsoI
organizedaRedding（Connecticut）branchofthePost—GraduateSchool。Iamonlyacountryfarmerupthere,butIamdoingthebestI
can。
Ofcourse,thepracticeofmedicineandsurgeryinaremotecountrydistricthasitsdisadvantages,butinmycaseIamhappyinadivisionofresponsibility。Ipractiseinconjunctionwithahorse—doctor,asexton,andanundertaker。Thecombinationisair—tight,andonceamanisstrickeninourdistrictescapeisimpossibleforhim。
Thesefourofus—threeintheregularprofessionandthefourthanundertaker—areallgoodmen。ThereisBillFerguson,theReddingundertaker。Billisthereineveryrespect。Heisalittlelukewarmongeneralpractice,andwriteshisnamewitharubberstamp。LikemyoldSouthernfriend,heisoneofthefinestplantersanywhere。
ThenthereisJimRuggles,thehorse—doctor。RugglesisoneofthebestmenIhavegot。Healsoisnotmuchongeneralmedicine,butheisafinehorse—doctor。Fergusondoesn'tmakeanymoneyoffhim。
Yousee,thecombinationstartedthisway。WhenIgotuptoReddingandhadbecomeadoctor,Ilookedaroundtoseewhatmychanceswereforaidinginthegreatwork。ThefirstthingIdidwastodeterminewhatmannerofdoctorIwastobe。BeingaConnecticutfarmer,Inaturallyconsultedmyfarmacopia,andatoncedecidedtobecomeafarmeopath。
ThenIgotcirculatingabout,andgotintouchwithFergusonandRuggles。Fergusonjoinedreadilyinmyideas,butRuggleskeptsayingthat,whileitwasallrightforanundertakertogetaboard,hecouldn'tseewhereithelpedhorses。
Well,westartedtofindoutwhatwasthetroublewiththecommunity,anditdidn'ttakelongtofindoutthattherewasjustonedisease,andthatwasrace—suicide。Anddrivingaboutthecountry—sideIwastoldbymyfellow—farmersthatitwastheonlyrationalhumanandvaluabledisease。Butitiscuttingintoourprofitssothatwe'lleitherhavetostopitorwe'llhavetomove。
We'vehadsomefunnyexperiencesupthereinRedding。Notlongagoafellowcamealongwitharollinggaitandadistressedface。Weaskedhimwhatwasthematter。Wealwaysholdconsultationsoneverycase,asthereisn'tbusinessenoughforfour。Hesaidhedidn'tknow,butthathewasasailor,andperhapsthatmighthelpustogiveadiagnosis。Wetreatedhimforthat,andIneversawamandiemorepeacefully。
ThatsameafternoonmydogTigetreedanAfricangentleman。Wechainedupthedog,andthenthegentlemancamedownandsaidhehadappendicitis。Weaskedhimifhewantedtobecutopen,andhesaidyes,thathe'dliketoknowiftherewasanythinginit。Sowecuthimopenandfoundnothinginhimbutdarkness。Sowediagnosedhiscaseasinfidelity,becausehewasdarkinside。Tigeisaverycleverdog,andaidsusgreatly。
TheotherdayapatientcametomeandinquiredifIwasoldDoctorClemens—
AsapractitionerIhavegivenagreatdealofmyattentiontoBright'sdisease。Ihavemadesomerulesfortreatingitthatmaybevaluable。Listen:
Rule1。Whenapproachingthebedsideofonewhomanall—wisePresident—Imeananall—wiseProvidence—well,anyway,it'sthesamething—hasseenfittoafflictwithdisease—well,theruleissimple,evenifitisold—fashioned。
Rule2。I'veforgottenjustwhatitis,but—
Rule3。Thisisalwaysindispensable:Bleedyourpatient。
MISSOURIUNIVERSITYSPEECH。
ADDRESSDELIVEREDJUNE4,1902,ATCOLUMBIA,MO。
WhenthenameofSamuelL。Clemenswascalledthehumoriststeppedforward,puthishandtohishair,andapparentlyhesitated。Therewasadeadsilenceforamoment。Suddenlytheentireaudienceroseandstoodinsilence。SomeonebegantospelloutthewordMissouriwithanintervalbetweentheletters。Alljoinedin。Thenthehouseagainbecamesilent。Mr。Clemensbrokethespell:
ASyouareallstanding[hedrawledinhischaracteristicvoice],Iguess,IsupposeIhadbetterstandtoo。
[Thencamealaughandloudcriesforaspeech。AsthegreathumoristspokeofhisrecentvisittoHannibal,hisoldhome,hisvoicetrembled。]
Youcannotknowwhatastrainitwasonmyemotions[hesaid]。Infact,whenIfoundmyselfshakinghandswithpersonsIhadnotseenforfiftyyearsandlookingintowrinkledfacesthatweresoyoungandjoyouswhenIlastsawthem,IexperiencedemotionsthatIhadneverexpected,anddidnotknowwereinme。Iwasprofoundlymovedandsaddenedtothinkthatthiswasthelasttime,perhaps,thatIwouldeverbeholdthosekindoldfacesanddearoldscenesofchildhood。
[Thehumoristthenchangedtoalightermood,andforatimetheaudiencewasinacontinualroaroflaughter。HewasparticularlyamusedattheeulogyonhimselfreadbyGardinerLathropinconferringthedegree。]Hehasafineopportunitytodistinguishhimself[saidMr。Clemens]bytellingthetruthaboutme。
IhaveseenitstatedinprintthatasaboyIhadbeenguiltyofstealingpeaches,apples,andwatermelons。Ireadastorytothiseffectverycloselynotlongago,andIwasconvincedofonething,whichwasthatthemanwhowroteitwasoftheopinionthatitwaswrongtosteal,andthatIhadnotactedrightindoingso。Iwishnow,however,tomakeanhoneststatement,whichisthatIdonotbelieve,inallmycheckeredcareer,Istoleatonofpeaches。
OnenightIstole—ImeanIremoved—awatermelonfromawagonwhiletheownerwasattendingtoanothercustomer。Icrawledofftoasecludedspot,whereIfoundthatitwasgreen。ItwasthegreenestmelonintheMississippiValley。ThenIbegantoreflect。Ibegantobesorry。IwonderedwhatGeorgeWashingtonwouldhavedonehadhebeeninmyplace。Ithoughtalongtime,andthensuddenlyfeltthatstrangefeelingwhichcomestoamanwithagoodresolution,andtookupthatwatermelonandtookitbacktoitsowner。Ihandedhimthewatermelonandtoldhimtoreform。Hetookmylecturemuchtoheart,and,whenhegavemeagoodoneinplaceofthegreenmelon,Iforgavehim。
ItoldhimthatIwouldstillbeacustomerofhis,andthatI
cherishednoill—feelingbecauseoftheincident—thatwouldremaingreeninmymemory。
BUSINESS
BUSINESS。
ThealumniofEastmanCollegegavetheirannualbanquet,March30,1901,attheY。M。C。A。Building。Mr。JamesG。Cannon,oftheFourthNationalBank,madethefirstspeechoftheevening,afterwhichMr。ClemenswasintroducedbyMr。BaileyasthepersonalfriendofTomSawyer,whowasoneofthetypesofsuccessfulbusinessmen。
MR。CANNONhasfurnishedmewithtextsenoughtolastasslowaspeakerasmyselfalltherestofthenight。ItookexceptiontotheintroducingofMr。Cannonasagreatfinancier,asifheweretheonlygreatfinancierpresent。Iamafinancier。ButmymethodsarenotthesameasMr。Cannon's。
IcannotsaythatIhaveturnedoutthegreatbusinessmanthatI
thoughtIwaswhenIbeganlife。ButIamcomparativelyyoungyet,andmaylearn。IamratherinclinedtobelievethatwhattroubledmewasthatIgotthebig—headearlyinthegame。IwanttoexplaintoyouafewpointsofdifferencebetweentheprinciplesofbusinessasIseethemandthosethatMr。Cannonbelievesin。
Hesaysthattheprimaryruleofbusinesssuccessisloyaltytoyouremployer。That'sallright—asatheory。Whatisthematterwithloyaltytoyourself？AsnearlyasIcanunderstandMr。Cannon'smethods,thereisonegreatdrawbacktothem。Hewantsyoutoworkagreatdeal。Diligenceisagoodthing,buttakingthingseasyismuchmore—restful。Myideaisthattheemployershouldbethebusyman,andtheemployeetheidleone。Theemployershouldbetheworriedman,andtheemployeethehappyone。Andwhynot？Hegetsthesalary。Myplanistogetanothermantodotheworkforme。Inthatthere'smorerepose。WhatIwantisreposefirst,last,andallthetime。
Mr。Cannonsaysthattherearethreecardinalrulesofbusinesssuccess;theyarediligence,honesty,andtruthfulness。Well,diligenceisallright。Letitgoasatheory。Honestyisthebestpolicy—whenthereismoneyinit。Buttruthfulnessisoneofthemostdangerous—why,thismanismisleadingyou。
Ihadanexperienceto—daywithmywifewhichillustratesthis。I
wasacknowledgingabelatedinvitationtoanotherdinnerforthisevening,whichseemedtohavebeensentabouttendaysago。Itonlyreachedmethismorning。IwasmortifiedatthediscourtesyintowhichIhadbeenbroughtbythisdelay,andwonderedwhatwasbeingthoughtofmebymyhosts。AsIhadacceptedyourinvitation,ofcourseIhadtosendregretstomyotherfriends。