WhenIstartedtowritethisnotemywifecameupandstoodlookingovermyshoulder。Womenalwayswanttoknowwhatisgoingon。Saidshe:"Shouldnotthatreadinthethirdperson？"Iconcededthatitshould,putasidewhatIwaswriting,andcommencedoveragain。Thatseemedtosatisfyher,andsoshesatdownandletmeproceed。Ithenfinishedmyfirstnote—andsosentwhatIintended。I
nevercouldhavedonethisifIhadletmywifeknowthetruthaboutit。HereiswhatIwrote:
TOTHEOHIOSOCIETY,—Ihaveatthismomentreceivedamostkindinvitation（elevendaysold）fromMr。Southard,president;andalikeone（tendaysold）fromMr。Bryant,presidentofthePressClub。Ithankthesocietycordiallyforthecomplimentoftheseinvitations,althoughIambookedelsewhereandcannotcome。
But,oh,IshouldliketoknowthenameoftheLightningExpressbywhichtheywereforwarded;forIoweafriendadozenchickens,andIbelieveitwillbecheapertosendeggsinstead,andletthemdevelopontheroad。
Sincerelyyours,MARKTWAIN。
Iwanttotellyouofsomeofmyexperiencesinbusiness,andthenI
willbeinapositiontolaydownonegeneralrulefortheguidanceofthosewhowanttosucceedinbusiness。Myfirsteffortwasabouttwenty—fiveyearsago。Itookholdofaninvention—Idon'tknownowwhatitwasallabout,butsomeonecametomeandtoldmeitwasagoodthing,andthattherewaslotsofmoneyinit。Hepersuadedmetoinvest$15,000,andIliveduptomybeliefsbyengagingamantodevelopit。Tomakealongstoryshort,Isunk$40,000init。
ThenItookupthepublicationofabook。Icalledinapublisherandsaidtohim:"IwantyoutopublishthisbookalonglineswhichIshalllaydown。Iamtheemployer,andyouaretheemployee。Iamgoingtoshowthemsomenewkinksinthepublishingbusiness。AndI
wantyoutodrawonmeformoneyasyougoalong,"whichhedid。Hedrewonmefor$56,000。ThenIaskedhimtotakethebookandcallitoff。Butherefusedtodothat。
Mynextventurewaswithamachinefordoingsomethingorother。I
knewlessaboutthatthanIdidabouttheinvention。ButIsunk$170,000inthebusiness,andIcan'tforthelifeofmerecollectwhatitwasthemachinewastodo。
Iwasstillundismayed。Yousee,oneofthestrongpointsaboutmybusinesslifewasthatInevergaveup。IundertooktopublishGeneralGrant'sbook,andmade$140,000insixmonths。Myaxiomis,tosucceedinbusiness:avoidmyexample。
CARNEGIETHEBENEFACTOR。
AtthedinnergiveninhonorofAndrewCarnegiebytheLotosClub,March17,1909,Mr。Clemensappearedinawhitesuitfromheadtofeet。Heworeawhitedouble—breastedcoat,whitetrousers,andwhiteshoes。Theonlyreliefwasabigblackcigar,whichheconfidentiallyinformedthecompanywasnotfromhisusualstackboughtat$3perbarrel。
THEStateofMissourihasforitscoatofarmsabarrel—headwithtwoMissourians,oneoneachsideofit,andmarkthemotto—"UnitedWeStand,DividedWeFall。"Mr。Carnegie,thisevening,hassufferedfromcompliments。Itisinterestingtohearwhatpeoplewillsayaboutaman。Why,atthebanquetgivenbythisclubinmyhonor,Mr。
Carnegiehadtheinspirationforwhichtheclubisnowhonoringhim。
IfDunfermlinecontributedsomuchtotheUnitedStatesincontributingMr。Carnegie,whatwouldhavehappenedifallScotlandhadturnedout？TheseDunfermlinefolkhaveacquiredadvantagesincomingtoAmerica。
DoctorMcKelwaypaidthetopcompliment,thecumulation,whenhesaidofMr。Carnegie:"Thereisamanwhowantstopaymoretaxesthanheischarged。"RichardWatsonGilderdidverywellforapoet。Headvertisedhismagazine。HespokeofhiringMr。Carnegie—thenextthinghewillbetryingtohireme。
IfIundertooktopaycomplimentsIwoulddoitstrongerthananyothershavedoneit,forwhatMr。Carnegiewantsarestrongcompliments。Now,theothersideofseventy,Ihavepreserved,asmychiefestvirtue,modesty。
ONPOETRY,VERACITY,ANDSUICIDE。
ADDRESSATADINNEROFTHEMANHATTANDICKENSFELLOWSHIP,NEWYORKCITY,FEBRUARY7,1906。
Thisdinnerwasincommemorationoftheninety—fourthanniversaryofthebirthofCharlesDickens。OnanotheroccasionMr。ClemenstoldthesamestorywithvariationsandadifferentconclusiontotheUniversitySettlementSociety。
IALWAYShadtakenaninterestinyoungpeoplewhowantedtobecomepoets。IrememberIwasparticularlyinterestedinonebuddingpoetwhenIwasareporter。HisnamewasButter。
Onedayhecametomeandsaid,disconsolately,thathewasgoingtocommitsuicide—hewastiredoflife,notbeingabletoexpresshisthoughtsinpoeticform。ButteraskedmewhatIthoughtoftheidea。
IsaidIwould;thatitwasagoodidea。"Youcandomeafriendlyturn。Yougooffinaprivateplaceanddoitthere,andI'llgetitall。Youdoit,andI'lldoasmuchforyousometime。"
Atfirsthedeterminedtodrownhimself。Drowningissoniceandclean,andwritesupsowellinanewspaper。
Butthingsne'erdogosmoothlyinweddings,suicides,orcourtships。Onlythereattheedgeofthewater,whereButterwastoendhimself,layalife—preserver—abigroundcanvasone,whichwouldfloatafterthescrap—ironwassoakedoutofit。
Butterwouldn'tkillhimselfwiththelife—preserverinsight,andsoIhadanidea。Itookittoapawnshop,andsoakeditforarevolver。Thepawnbrokerdidn'tthinkmuchoftheexchange,butwhenI
explainedthesituationheacquiesced。Wewentupontopofahighbuilding,andthisiswhathappenedtothepoet:
Heputtherevolvertohisforeheadandblewatunnelstraightthroughhishead。Thetunnelwasaboutthesizeofyourfinger。Youcouldlookrightthroughit。Thejobwascomplete;therewasnothinginit。
Well,afterthatthatmannevercouldwriteprose,buthecouldwritepoetry。Hecouldwriteitafterhehadblownhisbrainsout。
Thereislotsofthattalentalloverthecountry,butthetroubleistheydon'tdevelopit。
IamsufferingnowfromthefactthatI,whohavetoldthetruthagoodmanytimesinmylife,havelatelyreceivedmorelettersthananybodyelseurgingmetoleadarighteouslife。Ihavemorefriendswhowanttoseemedeveloponahighlevelthananybodyelse。
YoungJohnD。Rockefeller,twoweeksago,taughthisBibleclassallaboutveracity,andwhyitwasbetterthateverybodyshouldalwayskeepaplentifulsupplyonhand。SomeofthelettersIhavereceivedsuggestthatIoughttoattendhisclassandlearn,too。Why,IknowMr。Rockefeller,andheisagoodfellow。HeiscompetentinmanywaystoteachaBibleclass,butwhenitcomestoveracityheisonlythirty—fiveyearsold。I'mseventyyearsold。Ihavebeenfamiliarwithveracitytwiceaslongashe。
AndthestoryaboutGeorgeWashingtonandhislittlehatchethasalsobeensuggestedtomeintheseletters—inafugitiveway,asifI
neededsomeofGeorgeWashingtonandhishatchetinmyconstitution。
Why,dearme,theyoverlooktherealpointinthatstory。Thepointisnottheonethatisusuallysuggested,andyoucanreadilyseethat。
ThepointisnotthatGeorgesaidtohisfather,"Yes,father,Icutdownthecheery—tree;Ican'ttellalie,"butthatthelittleboy—
onlysevenyearsold—shouldhavehissagacitydevelopedundersuchcircumstances。Hewasaboywisebeyondhisyears。Hisconductthenwasaprophecyoflateryears。Yes,Ithinkhewasthemostremarkablemanthecountryeverproduced—uptomytime,anyway。
Nowthen,littleGeorgerealizedthatcircumstantialevidencewasagainsthim。Heknewthathisfatherwouldknowfromthesizeofthechipsthatnofull—grownhatchetcutthattreedown,andthatnomanwouldhavehaggleditso。Heknewthathisfatherwouldsendaroundtheplantationandinquireforasmallboywithahatchet,andhehadthewisdomtocomeoutandconfessit。Now,theideathathisfatherwasoverjoyedwhenhetoldlittleGeorgethathewouldratherhavehimcutdownathousandcheery—treesthantellalieisallnonsense。Whatdidhereallymean？Why,thathewasabsolutelyastonishedthathehadasonwhohadthechancetotellalieanddidn't。
IadmireoldGeorge—ifthatwashisname—forhisdiscernment。Heknewwhenhesaidthathissoncouldn'ttellaliethathewasstretchingitagooddeal。Hewouldn'thavetogotoJohnD。
Rockefeller'sBibleclasstofindthatout。ThewaytheoldGeorgeWashingtonstorygoesdownitdoesn'tdoanybodyanygood。Itonlydiscouragespeoplewhocan—tellalie。
WELCOMEHOME。
ADDRESSATTHEDINNERINHISHONORATTHE
LOTOSCLUB,NOVEMBER10,1900。
InAugust,1895,justbeforesailingforAustralia,Mr。Clemensissuedthefollowingstatement:
"IthasbeenreportedthatIsacrificed,forthebenefitofthecreditors,thepropertyofthepublishingfirmwhosefinancialbackerIwas,andthatIamnowlecturingformyownbenefit。
"Thisisanerror。Iintendthelectures,aswellastheproperty,forthecreditors。Thelawrecognizesnomortgageonaman'sbrains,andamerchantwhohasgivenupallhehasmaytakeadvantageofthelawsofinsolvencyandmaystartfreeagainforhimself。ButIamnotabusinessman,andhonorisahardermasterthanthelaw。Itcannotcompromiseforlessthanonehundredcentsonadollar,anditsdebtsareneveroutlawed。
"Ihadatwo—thirdsinterestinthepublishingfirmwhosecapitalIfurnished。IfthefirmhadprosperedIwouldhaveexpectedtocollecttwo—thirdsoftheprofits。Asitis,Iexpecttopayallthedebts。Mypartnerhasnoresources,andIdonotlookforassistancetomywife,whosecontributionsincashfromherownmeanshavenearlyequalledtheclaimsofallthecreditorscombined。Shehastakennothing;onthecontrary,shehashelpedandintendstohelpmetosatisfytheobligationsduetotherestofthecreditors。
"Itismyintentiontoaskmycreditorstoacceptthatasalegaldischarge,andtrusttomyhonortopaytheotherfiftypercent。asfastasIcanearnit。Frommyreceptionthusfaronmylecturingtour,IamconfidentthatifIliveIcanpayoffthelastdebtwithinfouryears。
"Afterwhich,attheageofsixty—four,Icanmakeafreshandunincumberedstartinlife。IamgoingtoAustralia,India,andSouthAfrica,andnextyearIhopetomakeatourofthegreatcitiesoftheUnitedStates。"
ITHANKyoualloutofmyheartforthisfraternalwelcome,anditseemsalmosttoofine,almosttoomagnificent,forahumbleMissouriansuchasIam,farfromhisnativehauntsonthebanksoftheMississippi;yetmymodestyisinadegreefortifiedbyobservingthatIamnottheonlyMissourianwhohasbeenhonoredhereto—night,forI
seeatthisverytable—hereisaMissourian[indicatingMr。
McKelway],andthereisaMissourian[indicatingMr。Depew],andthereisanotherMissourian—andHendrixandClemens;andlastbutnotleast,thegreatestMissourianofthemall—herehesits—TomReed,whohasalwaysconcealedhisbirthtillnow。AndsinceIhavebeenawayIknowwhathasbeenhappeninginhiscase:hehasdesertedpolitics,andnowisleadingacreditablelife。Hehasreformed,andGodprosperhim;andIjudge,byaremarkwhichhemadeup—stairsawhileago,thathehadfoundanewbusinessthatisutterlysuitedtohismakeandconstitution,andallheisdoingnowisthatheisaroundraisingtheaverageofpersonalbeauty。
ButIamgratefultothepresidentforthekindwordswhichhehassaidofme,anditisnotformetosaywhetherthesepraisesweredeservedornot。Iprefertoacceptthemjustastheystand,withoutconcerningmyselfwiththestatisticsuponwhichtheyhavebeenbuilt,butonlywiththatlargematter,thatessentialmatter,thegood—fellowship,thekindliness,themagnanimity,andgenerositythatpromptedtheirutterance。Well,manythingshavehappenedsinceI
satherebefore,andnowthatIthinkofit,thepresident'sreferencetothedebtswhichwereleftbythebankruptfirmofCharlesL。
Webster&Co。givesmeanopportunitytosayawordwhichIverymuchwishtosay,notformyself,butforninety—fivemenandwomenwhomIshallalwaysholdinhighesteemandinpleasantremembrance—
thecreditorsofthatfirm。Theytreatedmewell;theytreatedmehandsomely。Therewereninety—sixofthem,andbynotafinger'sweightdidninety—fiveofthemaddtotheburdenofthattimeforme。Ninety—fiveoutoftheninety—six—theydidn'tindicatebyanywordorsignthattheywereanxiousabouttheirmoney。Theytreatedmewell,andIshallnotforgetit;IcouldnotforgetitifIwantedto。
Manyofthemsaid,"Don'tyouworry,don'tyouhurry";that'swhattheysaid。Why,ifIcouldhavethatkindofcreditorsalways,andthatexperience,Iwouldrecognizeitasapersonallosstobeoutofdebt。Iowethoseninety—fivecreditorsadebtofhomage,andIpayitnowinsuchmeasureasonemaypaysofineadebtinmerewords。
Yes,theysaidthatverything。Iwasnotpersonallyacquaintedwithtenofthem,andyettheysaid,"Don'tyouworry,anddon'tyouhurry。"Iknowthatphrasebyheart,andifalltheothermusicshouldperishoutoftheworlditwouldstillsingtome。Iappreciatethat;Iamgladtosaythisword;peoplesaysomuchaboutme,andtheyforgetthosecreditors。TheywerehandsomerthanIwas—orTomReed。
Oh,youhavebeendoingmanythingsinthistimethatIhavebeenabsent;youhavedonelotsofthings,somethatarewellworthremembering,too。Now,wehavefoughtarighteouswarsinceIhavegone,andthatisrareinhistory—arighteouswarissorarethatitisalmostunknowninhistory;butbythegraceofthatwarwesetCubafree,andwejoinedhertothosethreeorfournationsthatexistonthisearth;andwestartedouttosetthosepoorFilipinosfree,too,andwhy,why,whythatmostrighteouspurposeofourshasapparentlymiscarriedIsupposeInevershallknow。
ButwehavemadeamostcreditablerecordinChinainthesedays—
oursoundandlevel—headedadministrationhasmadeamostcreditablerecordoverthere,andtherearesomeofthePowersthatcannotsaythatbyanymeans。TheYellowTerroristhreateningthisworldto—day。
Itisloomingvastandominousonthatdistanthorizon。IdonotknowwhatisgoingtobetheresultofthatYellowTerror,butourgovernmenthashadnohandinevokingit,andlet'sbehappyinthatandproudofit。
Wehavenursedfreesilver,wewatchedbyitscradle;wehavedonethebestwecouldtoraisethatchild,butthosepestiferousRepublicanshave—well,theykeepgivingitthemeasleseverychancetheyget,andwenevershallraisethatchild。Well,that'snomatter—
there'splentyofotherthingstodo,andwemustthinkofsomethingelse。Well,wehavetriedaPresidentfouryears,criticisedhimandfoundfaultwithhimthewholetime,andturnedaroundadayortwoagowithvotesenoughtosparetoelectanother。Oconsistency！
consistency！thyname—Idon'tknowwhatthynameis—Thompsonwilldo—anynamewilldo—butyouseethereisthefact,thereistheconsistency。ThenwehavetriedforgovernoranillustriousRoughRider,andwelikedhimsomuchinthatgreatofficethatnowwehavemadehimVice—President—notinorderthatthatofficeshallgivehimdistinction,butthathemayconferdistinctionuponthatoffice。Andit'sneeded,too—it'sneeded。Andnow,forawhileanyway,weshallnotbestammeringandembarrassedwhenastrangerasksus,"WhatisthenameoftheVice—President？"Thisoneisknown;thisoneisprettywellknown,prettywidelyknown,andinsomequartersfavorably。Iamnotaccustomedtodealinginthesefulsomecompliments,andIamprobablyoverdoingitalittle;but—well,myoldaffectionateadmirationforGovernorRoosevelthasprobablybetrayedmeintothecomplimentaryexcess;butIknowhim,andyouknowhim;andifyougivehimropeenough—Imeanif—ohyes,hewilljustifythatcompliment;leaveitjustasitis。AndnowwehaveputinhisplaceMr。Odell,anotherRoughRider,Isuppose;allthefatthingsgotothatprofessionnow。Why,IcouldhavebeenaRoughRidermyselfifIhadknownthatthispoliticalKlondikewasgoingtoopenup,andIwouldhavebeenaRoughRiderifIcouldhavegonetowaronanautomobile—butnotonahorse！No,Iknowthehorsetoowell;Ihaveknownthehorseinwarandinpeace,andthereisnoplacewhereahorseiscomfortable。Thehorsehastoomanycaprices,andheistoomuchgiventoinitiative。Heinventstoomanynewideas。No,Idon'twantanythingtodowithahorse。
AndthenwehavetakenChaunceyDepewoutofausefulandactivelifeandmadehimaSenator—embalmedhim,corkedhimup。AndIamnotgrieving。Thatmanhassaidmanyatruethingaboutmeinhistime,andIalwayssaidsomethingwouldhappentohim。Lookatthat[pointingtoMr。Depew]gildedmummy！Hehasmademylifeasorrowtomeatmanyabanquetonbothsidesoftheocean,andnowhehasgotit。Perishthehandthatpullsthatcork！
Allthesethingshavehappened,allthesethingshavecometopass,whileIhavebeenaway,anditjustshowshowlittleaMugwumpcanbemissedinacold,unfeelingworld,evenwhenheisthelastonethatisleft—aGRANDOLDPARTYallbyhimself。Andthereisanotherthingthathashappened,perhapsthemostimposingeventofthemall:theinstitutioncalledtheDaughtersoftheCrown—theDaughtersoftheRoyalCrown—hasestablisheditselfandgoneintobusiness。Now,there'sanAmericanideaforyou;there'sanideabornofGodknowswhatkindofspecializedinsanity,butnotsofteningofthebrain—youcannotsoftenathingthatdoesn'texist—theDaughtersoftheRoyalCrown！NobodyeligiblebutAmericandescendantsofCharlesII。Dearme,howthefancyproductofthatoldharemstillholdsout！
Well,Iamtrulygladtoforegatherwithyouagain,andpartakeofthebreadandsaltofthishospitablehouseoncemore。Sevenyearsago,whenIwasyourguesthere,whenIwasoldanddespondent,yougavemethegripandthewordthatliftamanupandmakehimgladtobealive;andnowIcomebackfrommyexileyoungagain,freshandalive,andreadytobeginlifeoncemore,andyourwelcomeputsthefinishingtouch。uponmyrestoredyouthandmakesitrealtome,andnotagraciousdreamthatmustvanishwiththemorning。Ithankyou。
ANUNDELIVEREDSPEECH。
ThesteamshipSt。PaulwastohavebeenlaunchedfromCramp'sshipyardinPhiladelphiaonMarch25,1895。Afterthelaunchingaluncheonwastohavebeengiven,atwhichMr。Clemenswastomakeaspeech。JustbeforethefinalwordwasgivenareporteraskedMr。
Clemensforacopyofhisspeechtobedeliveredattheluncheon。Tofacilitatetheworkofthereporterheloanedhimatypewrittencopyofthespeech。Ithappened,however,thatwhentheblockswereknockedawaythebigshiprefusedtobudge,andnoamountoflaborcouldmoveheraninch。Shehadstuckfastupontheways。Asaresult,thelaunchingwaspostponedforaweekortwo;butinthemeantimeMr。
ClemenshadgonetoEurope。YearsafterareportercalledonMr。
Clemensandsubmittedthemanuscriptofthespeech,whichwasasfollows:
DAYafterto—morrowIsailforEnglandinashipofthisline,theParis。Itwillbemyfourteenthcrossinginthreeyearsandahalf。
Therefore,mypresencehere,asyousee,isquitenatural,quitecommercial。Iaminterestedinships。Theyinterestmemorenowthanhotelsdo。WhenanewshipislaunchedIfeeladesiretogoandseeifshewillbegoodquartersformetolivein,particularlyifshebelongstothisline,foritisbythislinethatIhavedonemostofmyferrying。
PeoplewonderwhyIgosomuch。Well,Igopartlyformyhealth,partlytofamiliarizemyselfwiththeroad。IhavegoneoverthesameroadsomanytimesnowthatIknowallthewhalesthatbelongalongtheroute,andlatterlyitisanembarrassmenttometomeetthem,fortheydonotlookgladtoseeme,butannoyed,andtheyseemtosay:"Hereisthisoldderelictagain。"
Earlierinlifethiswouldhavepainedmeandmademeashamed,butI
amoldernow,andwhenIambehavingmyself,anddoingright,Idonotcareforawhale'sopinionaboutme。Whenweareyoungwegenerallyestimateanopinionbythesizeofthepersonthatholdsit,butlaterwefindthatthatisanuncertainrule,forwerealizethattherearetimeswhenahornet'sopiniondisturbsusmorethananemperor's。
IdonotmeanthatIcarenothingatallforawhale'sopinion,forthatwouldbegoingtotoogreatalength。Ofcourse,itisbettertohavethegoodopinionofawhalethanhisdisapproval;butmypositionisthatifyoucannothaveawhale'sgoodopinion,exceptatsomesacrificeofprincipleorpersonaldignity,itisbettertotrytolivewithoutit。Thatismyideaaboutwhales。
Yes,IhavegoneoverthatsameroutesooftenthatIknowmywaywithoutacompass,justbythewaves。Iknowallthelargewavesandagoodmanyofthesmallones。Alsothesunsets。Iknoweverysunsetandwhereitbelongsjustbyitscolor。Necessarily,then,Idonotmakethepassagenowforscenery。Thatisallgoneby。
WhatIprizemostissafety,andinthesecondplaceswifttransitandhandiness。ThesearebestfurnishedbytheAmericanline,whosewatertightcompartmentshavenopassagethroughthem,nodoorstobeleftopen,andconsequentlynowayforwatertogetfromoneofthemtoanotherintimeofcollision。Ifyounullifytheperilwhichcollisionsthreatenyouwith,younullifytheonlyveryseriousperilwhichattendsvoyagesinthegreatlinersofourday,andmakesvoyagingsaferthanstayingathome。
WhenthePariswashalf—torntopiecessomeyearsago,enoughoftheAtlanticebbedandflowedthroughoneendofher,duringherlongagony,tosinkthefleetsoftheworldifdistributedamongthem;
butshefloatedinperfectsafety,andnolifewaslost。IntimeofcollisiontherockofGibraltarisnotsaferthantheParisandothergreatshipsofthisline。Thisseemstobetheonlygreatlineintheworldthattakesapassengerfrommetropolistometropoliswithouttheinterventionoftugsandbargesorbridges—takeshimthroughwithoutbreakingbulk,sotospeak。
OntheEnglishsidehelandsatadock;onthedockaspecialtrainiswaiting;inanhourandthree—quartersheisinLondon。
Nothingcouldbehandier。Ifyourjourneywerefromasand—pitonoursidetoalighthouseontheother,youcouldmakeitquickerbyotherlines,butthatisnotthecase。ThejourneyisfromthecityofNewYorktothecityofLondon,andnolinecandothatjourneyquickerthanthisone,noranywherenearasconvenientlyandhandily。AndwhenthepassengerlandsonoursidehelandsontheAmericansideoftheriver,notintheprovinces。Asaverylearnedmansaidonthelastvoyage（heisheadquartermasteroftheNewYorklandgarboardstreakofthemiddlewatch）:"WhenwelandapassengerontheAmericansidethere'snothingbetwixhimandhishotelbuthellandthehackman。"
Iamglad,withyouandthenation,towelcomethenewship。Sheisanotherpride,anotherconsolation,foragreatcountrywhosemightyfleetshaveallvanished,andwhichhasalmostforgottenwhatitistoflyitsflagtosea。IamnotsureastowhichSt。Paulsheisnamedfor。SomethinkitistheonethatisontheupperMississippi,buttheheadquartermastertoldmeitwastheonethatkilledGoliath。Butitisnotimportant。Nomatterwhichitis,letusgiveherheartywelcomeandgodspeed。
SIXTY—SEVENTHBIRTHDAY。
ATTHEMETROPOLITANCLUB,NEWYORK,NOVEMBER28,1902。
AddressatadinnergiveninhonorofMr。ClemensbyColonelHarvey,PresidentofHarper&Brothers。
ITHINKIoughttobeallowedtotalkaslongasIwantto,forthereasonthatIhavecancelledallmywinter'sengagementsofeverykind,forgoodandsufficientreasons,andammakingnonewengagementsforthiswinter,and,therefore,thisistheonlychanceI
shallhavetodisembowelmyskullforayear—closethemouthinthatportraitforayear。Iwanttoofferthanksandhomagetothechairmanforthisinnovationwhichhehasintroducedhere,whichisanimprovement,asIconsiderit,ontheold—fashionedstyleofconductingoccasionslikethis。Thatwasbad—thatwasabad,bad,badarrangement。Underthatoldcustomthechairmangotupandmadeaspeech,heintroducedtheprisoneratthebar,andcoveredhimalloverwithcompliments,nothingbutcompliments,notathingbutcompliments,neveraslur,andsatdownandleftthatmantogetupandtalkwithoutatext。Youcannottalkoncompliments;thatisnotatext。Nomodestperson,andIwasbornone,cantalkoncompliments。A
mangetsupandisfilledtotheeyeswithhappyemotions,buthistongueistied;hehasnothingtosay;heisintheconditionofDoctorRice'sfriendwhocamehomedrunkandexplainedittohiswife,andhiswifesaidtohim,"John,whenyouhavedrunkallthewhiskeyyouwant,yououghttoaskforsarsaparilla。"Hesaid,"Yes,butwhenIhavedrunkallthewhiskeyIwantIcan'tsaysarsaparilla。"
AndsoIthinkitismuchbettertoleaveamanunmolesteduntilthetestimonyandpleadingsareallin。Otherwiseheisdumb—heisatthesarsaparillastage。
BeforeIgettothehiggledy—piggledypoint,asMr。HowellssuggestedIdo,Iwanttothankyou,gentlemen,forthisveryhighhonoryouaredoingme,andIamquitecompetenttoestimateitatitsvalue。Iseearoundmecaptainsofalltheillustriousindustries,mostdistinguishedmen;therearemorethanfiftyhere,andI
believeIknowthirty—nineofthemwell。Icouldprobablyborrowmoneyfrom—fromtheothers,anyway。Itisaproudthingtome,indeed,toseesuchadistinguishedcompanygatherhereonsuchanoccasionasthis,whenthereisnoforeignprincetobefated—whenyouhavecomeherenottodohonortohereditaryprivilegeandancientlineage,buttodoreverencetomeremoralexcellenceandelementalveracity—
and,dearme,howolditseemstomakeme！IlookaroundmeandI
seethreeorfourpersonsIhaveknownsomany,manyyears。IhaveknownMr。SecretaryHay—JohnHay,asthenationandtherestofhisfriendslovetocallhim—IhaveknownJohnHayandTomReedandtheReverendTwichellcloseuponthirty—sixyears。Closeuponthirty—sixyearsIhaveknownthosevenerablemen。IhaveknownMr。Howellsnearlythirty—fouryears,andIknewChaunceyDepewbeforehecouldwalkstraight,andbeforehelearnedtotellthetruth。Twenty—sevenyearsagoIheardhimmakethemostnobleandeloquentandbeautifulspeechthathaseverfallenfromevenhiscapablelips。TomReedsaidthatmyprincipaldefectwasinaccuracyofstatement。Well,supposethatthatistrue。What'stheuseoftellingthetruthallthetime？InevertellthetruthaboutTomReed—butthatishisdefect,truth;hespeaksthetruthalways。TomReedhasagoodheart,andhehasagoodintellect,buthehasn'tanyjudgment。Why,whenTomReedwasinvitedtolecturetotheLadies'SocietyfortheProcreationorProcrastination,orsomething,ofmorals,Idon'tknowwhatitwas—
advancement,Isuppose,ofpuremorals—hehadtheimmortalindiscretiontobeginbysayingthatsomeofuscan'tbeoptimists,butbyjudiciouslyutilizingtheopportunitiesthatProvidenceputsinourwaywecanallbebigamists。Youperceivehislimitations。
Anythinghehasinhismindhestates,ifhethinksitistrue。
Well,thatwastrue,butthatwasnoplacetosayit—sotheyfiredhimout。
Alotofaccountshavebeensettledheretonightforme;Ihaveheldgrudgesagainstsomeofthesepeople,buttheyhaveallbeenwipedoutbytheveryhandsomecomplimentsthathavebeenpaidme。EvenWayneMacVeagh—Ihavehadagrudgeagainsthimmanyyears。ThefirsttimeI
sawWayneMacVeaghwasataprivatedinner—partyatCharlesA。Dana's,andwhenIgottherehewasclatteringalong,andItriedtogetawordinhereandthere;butyouknowwhatWayneMacVeaghiswhenheisstarted,andIcouldnotgetinfivewordstohisone—oronewordtohisfive。Istruggledalongandstruggledalong,and—well,I
wantedtotellandIwastryingtotelladreamIhadhadthenightbefore,anditwasaremarkabledream,adreamworthpeople'swhiletolistento,adreamrecountingSamJonestherevivalist'sreceptioninheaven。Iwasonatrain,andwasapproachingthecelestialway—station—Ihadathroughticket—andInoticedamansittingalongsideofmeasleep,andhehadhisticketinhishat。HewastheremainsoftheArchbishopofCanterbury;Irecognizedhimbyhisphotograph。Ihadnothingagainsthim,soItookhisticketandlethimhavemine。Hedidn'tobject—hewasn'tinaconditiontoobject—
andpresentlywhenthetrainstoppedattheheavenlystation—well,Igotoff,andhewentonbyrequest—buttheretheyallwere,theangels,youknow,millionsofthem,everyonewithatorch;theyhadarrangedforatorch—lightprocession;theywereexpectingtheArchbishop,andwhenIgotofftheystartedtoraiseashout,butitdidn'tmaterialize。Idon'tknowwhethertheyweredisappointed。I
supposetheyhadalotofsuperstitiousideasabouttheArchbishopandwhatheshouldlooklike,andIdidn'tfillthebill,andIwastryingtoexplaintoSaintPeter,andwasdoingitintheGermantongue,becauseIdidn'twanttobetooexplicit。Well,Ifounditwasnouse,Icouldn'tgetalong,forWayneMacVeaghwasoccupyingthewholeplace,andIsaidtoMr。Dana,"Whatisthematterwiththatman？
Whoisthatmanwiththelongtongue？What'sthetroublewithhim,thatlong,lankcadaver,oldoil—derrickoutofajob—whoisthat？"
"Well,now,"Mr。Danasaid,"youdon'twanttomeddlewithhim;youhadbetterkeepquiet;justkeepquiet,becausethat'sabadman。
Talk！Hewasborntotalk。Don'tlethimgetoutwithyou;he'llskinyou。"Isaid,"Ihavebeenskinned,skinned,andskinnedforyears,thereisnothingleft。"Hesaid,"Oh,you'llfindthereis;
thatmanistheveryseedandinspirationofthatproverbwhichsays,'Nomatterhowcloseyouskinanonion,aclevermancanalwayspeelitagain。'"Well,IreflectedandIquieteddown。ThatwouldneveroccurtoTomReed。He'sgotnodiscretion。Well,MacVeaghisjustthesameman;hehasn'tchangedabitinallthoseyears;hehasbeenpeelingMr。Mitchelllately。That'sthekindofmanheis。