LastspringImetGeneralMilesagain,andhecommentedonthefactthatwehadknowneachotherthirtyyears。Hesaiditwasstrangethatwehadnotmetyearsbefore,whenwehadbothbeeninWashington。
AtthatpointIchangedthesubject,andIchangeditwithart。Butthefactsarethese:
IwasthenundercontractformyInnocentsAbroad,butdidnothaveacenttoliveonwhileIwroteit。SoIwenttoWashingtontodoalittlejournalism。ThereImetanequallypoorfriend,WilliamDavidson,whohadnotasinglevice,unlessyoucallitaviceinaScottoloveScotch。Togetherwedevisedthefirstandoriginalnewspapersyndicate,sellingtwolettersaweektotwelvenewspapersandgetting$1aletter。That$24aweekwouldhavebeenenoughforus—ifwehadnothadtosupportthejug。
Buttherewasadaywhenwefeltthatwemusthave$3rightaway—$3
atonce。ThatwashowImettheGeneral。Itdoesn'tmatternowwhatwewantedsomuchmoneyatonetimefor,butthatScotandIdidoccasionallywantit。TheScotsentmeoutonedaytogetit。HehadagreatbeliefinProvidence,thatScottishfriendofmine。Hesaid:
"TheLordwillprovide。"
Ihadgivenuptryingtofindthemoneylyingabout,andwasinahotellobbyindespair,whenIsawabeautifulunfriendeddog。Thedogsawme,too,andatoncewebecameacquainted。ThenGeneralMilescamein,admiredthedog,andaskedmetopriceit。Ipriceditat$3。Heofferedmeanopportunitytoreconsiderthevalueofthebeautifulanimal,butIrefusedtotakemorethanProvidenceknewIneeded。
TheGeneralcarriedthedogtohisroom。
Thencameinasweetlittlemiddle—agedman,whoatoncebeganlookingaroundthelobby。
"Didyouloseadog？"Iasked。Hesaidhehad。
"IthinkIcouldfindit,"Ivolunteered,"forasmallsum。"
"'Howmuch？'"heasked。AndItoldhim$3。Heurgedmetoacceptmore,butIdidnotwishtooutdoProvidence。ThenIwenttotheGeneral'sroomandaskedforthedogback。Hewasveryangry,andwantedtoknowwhyIhadsoldhimadogthatdidnotbelongtome。
"That'sasingularquestiontoaskme,sir,"Ireplied。"Didn'tyouaskmetosellhim？Youstartedit。"Andheletmehavehim。I
gavehimbackhis$3andreturnedthedog,collect,toitsowner。Thatsecond$3IcarriedhometotheScot,andweenjoyedit,butthefirst$3,themoneyIgotfromtheGeneral,Iwouldhavehadtolend。
TheGeneralseemednottoremembermypartinthatadventure,andIneverhadthehearttotellhimaboutit。
WHENINDOUBT,TELLTHETRUTH。
MarkTwain'sspeechatthedinnerofthe"FreundschaftSociety,"
March9,1906,hadasabasisthewordsofintroductionusedbyToastmasterFrank,who,referringtoPudd'nheadWilson,usedthephrase,"Whenindoubt,tellthetruth。"
MR。CHAIRMAN,MR。PUTZEL,ANDGENTLEMENOFTHEFREUNDSCHAFT,—ThatmaximIdidinvent,butneverexpectedittobeappliedtome。Ididsay,"Whenyouareindoubt,"butwhenIamindoubtmyselfIusemoresagacity。
Mr。GroutsuggestedthatifIhaveanythingtosayagainstMr。
Putzel,oranycriticismofhiscareerorhischaracter,Iamthelastpersontocomeoutonaccountofthatmaximandtellthetruth。Thatisaltogetheramistake。
Idothinkitisrightforotherpeopletobevirtuoussothattheycanbehappyhereafter,butifIkneweveryimproprietythatevenMr。Putzelhascommittedinhislife,Iwouldnotmentiononeofthem。
Myjudgmenthasbeenmaturingforseventyyears,andIhavegottothatpointwhereIknowbetterthanthat。
Mr。Putzelstandsrelatedtomeinaverytenderway（throughthetaxoffice）,anditdoesnotbehoovemetosayanythingwhichcouldbyanypossibilitymilitateagainstthatconditionofthings。
Now,thatword—taxes,taxes,taxes！Ihavehearditto—night。I
havehearditallnight。Iwishsomebodywouldchangethatsubject;
thatisaverysoresubjecttome。
IwassorelievedwhenJudgeLeventrittdidfindsomethingthatwasnottaxable—whenhesaidthatthecommissionercouldnottaxyourpatience。Andthatcomfortedme。We'vegotsomuchtaxation。Idon'tknowofasingleforeignproductthatentersthiscountryuntaxedexcepttheanswertoprayer。
Onanoccasionlikethistheproprietiesrequirethatyoumerelypaycomplimentstotheguestoftheoccasion,andIammerelyheretopaycomplimentstotheguestoftheoccasion,nottocriticisehiminanyway,andIcansayonlycomplimentarythingstohim。
WhenIwentdowntothetaxofficesometimeago,forthefirsttimeinNewYork,IsawMr。Putzelsittinginthe"SeatofPerjury。"I
recognizedhimrightaway。Iwarmedtohimonthespot。Ididn'tknowthatIhadeverseenhimbefore,butjustassoonasIsawhimIrecognizedhim。Ihadmethimtwenty—fiveyearsbefore,andatthattimehadachievedaknowledgeofhisabilitiesandsomethingmorethanthat。
Ithought:"Now,thisisthemanwhomIsawtwenty—fiveyearsago。"OnthatoccasionInotonlywentfreeathishands,butcarriedoffsomethingmorethanthat。Ihopeditwouldhappenagain。
Itwastwenty—fiveyearsagowhenIsawayoungclerkinPutnam'sbook—store。IwentinthereandaskedforGeorgeHavenPutnam,andhandedhimmycard,andthentheyoungmansaidMr。PutnamwasbusyandIcouldn'tseehim。Well,Ihadmerelycalledinasocialway,andsoitdidn'tmatter。
IwasgoingoutwhenIsawagreatbig,fat,interesting—lookingbooklyingthere,andItookitup。ItwasanaccountoftheinvasionofEnglandinthefourteenthcenturybythePreachingFriar,anditinterestedme。
Iaskedhimthepriceofit,andhesaidfourdollars。
"Well,"Isaid,"whatdiscountdoyouallowtopublishers？"
Hesaid:"Fortypercent。off。"
Isaid:"Allright,Iamapublisher。"
Heputdownthefigure,fortypercent。off,onacard。
ThenIsaid:"Whatdiscountdoyouallowtoauthors？"
Hesaid:"Fortypercent。off。"
"Well,"Isaid,"setmedownasanauthor。"
"Now,"saidI,"whatdiscountdoyouallowtotheclergy？"
Hesaid:"Fortypercent。off。"
IsaidtohimthatIwasonlyontheroad,andthatIwasstudyingfortheministry。Iaskedhimwouldn'theknockofftwentypercent。
forthat。Hesetdownthefigure,andheneversmiledonce。
Iwasworkingoffthesehumorousbrillianciesonhimandgettingnoreturn—notascintillationinhiseye,notasparkofrecognitionofwhatIwasdoingthere。Iwasalmostindespair。
IthoughtImighttryhimoncemore,soIsaid:"Now,Iamalsoamemberofthehumanrace。Willyouletmehavethetenpercent。offforthat？"Hesetitdown,andneversmiled。
Well,Igaveitup。Isaid:"Thereismycardwithmyaddressonit,butIhavenotanymoneywithme。WillyoupleasesendthebilltoHartford？"Itookupthebookandwasgoingaway。
Hesaid:"Waitaminute。Thereisfortycentscomingtoyou。"
WhenImethiminthetaxofficeIthoughtmaybeIcouldmakesomethingagain,butIcouldnot。ButIhadnotanyideaIcouldwhenIcame,andasitturnedoutIdidgetoffentirelyfree。
Iputupmyhandandmadeastatement。Itgavemeagooddealofpaintodothat。Iwasnotusedtoit。IwasbornandrearedinthehighercirclesofMissouri,andtherewedon'tdosuchthings—
didn'tinmytime,butwehavegotthatlittlemattersettled—gotasortoftaxleviedonme。
Thenhetouchedme。Yes,hetouchedmethistime,becausehecried—cried！HewasmovedtotearstoseethatI,avirtuouspersononlyayearbefore,afterimmersionforoneyear—duringoneyearintheNewYorkmorals—hadnomoreconsciencethanamillionaire。
THEDAYWECELEBRATE。
ADDRESSATTHEFOURTH—OF—JULYDINNEROFTHE
AMERICANSOCIETY,LONDON,1899。
INOTICEDinAmbassadorChoate'sspeechthathesaid:"YoumaybeAmericansorEnglishmen,butyoucannotbebothatthesametime。"Yourespondedbyapplause。
Considertheeffectofashortresidencehere。IfindtheAmbassadorrisesfirsttospeaktoatoast,followedbyaSenator,andIcomethird。Whatasubtletributethattomonarchialinfluenceofthecountrywhenyouplacerankaboverespectability！
Iwasbornmodest,andifIhadnotbeenthingslikethiswouldforceituponme。Iunderstanditquitewell。Iamheretoseethatbetweenthemtheydojusticetothedaywecelebrate,andincasetheydonotImustdoitmyself。ButInoticetheyhaveconsideredthisdaymerelyfromoneside—itssentimental,patriotic,poeticside。Butithasanotherside。Ithasacommercial,abusinesssidethatneedsreforming。Ithasahistoricalside。
Idonotsay"an"historicalside,becauseIamspeakingtheAmericanlanguage。Idonotseewhyourcousinsshouldcontinuetosay"an"hospital,"an"historicalfact,"an"horse。ItseemstometheCongressofWomen,nowinsession,shouldlooktoit。Ithink"an"
ishavingalittletoomuchtodowithit。Itcomesofhabit,whichaccountsformanythings。
Yesterday,forexample,Iwasataluncheonparty。AttheendofthepartyagreatdignitaryoftheEnglishEstablishedChurchwentawayhalfanhourbeforeanybodyelseandcarriedoffmyhat。Now,thatwasaninnocentactonhispart。Hewentoutfirst,andofcoursehadthechoiceofhats。AsaruleItrytogetoutfirstmyself。ButI
holdthatitwasaninnocent,unconsciousact,due,perhaps,toheredity。Hewasthinkingaboutecclesiasticalmatters,andwhenamanisinthatconditionofmindhewilltakeanybody'shat。TheresultwasthatthewholeafternoonIwasundertheinfluenceofhisclericalhatandcouldnottellalie。Ofcourse,hewashardatit。
Itisacomplimenttobothofus。Hishatfittedmeexactly;myhatfittedhimexactly。SoIjudgeIwasborntorisetohighdignityintheChurchsomehoworother,butIdonotknowwhathewasbornfor。
Thatisanillustrationoftheinfluenceofhabit,anditisperceptibleherewhentheysay"an"hospital,"an"European,"an"
historical。
ThebusinessaspectsoftheFourthofJulyisnotperfectasitstands。Seewhatitcostsuseveryyearwithlossoflife,thecripplingofthousandswithitsfireworks,andtheburningdownofproperty。Itisnotonlysacredtopatriotismanduniversalfreedom,buttothesurgeon,theundertaker,theinsuranceoffices—andtheyareworkingitforallitisworth。
Iampleasedtoseethatwehaveacessationofwarforthetime。
Thiscomingfromme,asoldier,youwillappreciate。IwasasoldierintheSouthernwarfortwoweeks,andwhengentlemengetuptospeakofthegreatdeedsourarmyandnavyhaverecentlydone,why,itgoesallthroughmeandfiresuptheoldwarspirit。Ihadinmyfirstengagementthreehorsesshotunderme。Thenextoneswentovermyhead,thenexthitmeintheback。ThenIretiredtomeetanengagement。
Ithankyou,gentlemen,formakingevenaslightreferencetothewarprofession,inwhichIdistinguishedmyself,shortasmycareerwas。
INDEPENDENCEDAY。
TheAmericanSocietyinLondongaveabanquet,July4,1907,attheHotelCecil。AmbassadorChoatecalledonMr。Clemenstorespondtothetoast"TheDayWeCelebrate。"
MR。CHAIRMAN,MYLORD,ANDGENTLEMEN,—Oncemoreithappens,asithashappenedsooftensinceIarrivedinEnglandaweekortwoago,thatinsteadofcelebratingtheFourthofJulyproperlyashasbeenindicated,Ihavetofirsttakecareofmypersonalcharacter。
SirMortimerDurandstillremainsunconvinced。Well,ItriedtoconvincethesepeoplefromthebeginningthatIdidnottaketheAscotCup;andasIhavefailedtoconvinceanybodythatIdidnottakethecup,ImightaswellconfessIdidtakeitandbedonewithit。
Idon'tseewhythisuncharitablefeelingshouldfollowmeeverywhere,andwhyIshouldhavethatcrimethrownuptomeonalloccasions。ThetearsthatIhaveweptoveritoughttohavecreatedadifferentfeelingthanthis—and,besides,Idon'tthinkitisveryrightorfairthat,consideringEnglandhasbeentryingtotakeacupofoursforfortyyears—Idon'tseewhytheyshouldtakesomuchtroublewhenItriedtogointothebusinessmyself。
SirMortimerDurand,too,hashadtroublefromgoingtoadinnerhere,andhehastoldyouwhathesufferedinconsequence。Butwhatdidhesuffer？Heonlymissedhistrainandonenightofdiscomfort,andheremembersittothisday。Oh！ifyoucouldonlythinkwhatI
havesufferedfromasimilarcircumstance。Twoorthreeyearsago,inNewYork,withthatSocietytherewhichismadeupofpeoplefromallBritishColonies,andfromGreatBritain,generally,whowereeducatedinBritishcollegesandBritishschools,Iwastheretorespondtoatoastofsomekindorother,andIdidthenwhatIhavebeeninthehabitofdoing,fromaselfishmotive,foralongtime,andthatis,IgotmyselfplacedNo。3inthelistofspeakers—thenyougethomeearly。
Ihadtogofivemilesup—river,andhadtocatchaparticulartrainornotgetthere。Butseethemagnanimitywhichisborninme,whichI
havecultivatedallmylife。AveryfamousandverygreatBritishclergymancametomepresently,andhesaid:"Iamawaydowninthelist;IhavegottocatchacertaintrainthisSaturdaynight;ifI
don'tcatchthattrainIshallbecarriedbeyondmidnightandbreaktheSabbath。Won'tyouchangeplaceswithme？Isaid:"CertainlyI
will。"Ididitatonce。Now,seewhathappened。TalkaboutSirMortimerDurand'ssufferingsforasinglenight！Ihavesufferedeversince。becauseIsavedthatgentlemanfrombreakingtheSabbath—yes,savedhim。Itookhisplace,butIlostmytrain,anditwasIwhobroketheSabbath。UptothattimeIneverhadbrokentheSabbathinmylifeandfromthatdaytothisIneverhavekeptit。
Oh！Iamlearningmuchhereto—night。IfindIdidn'tknowanythingabouttheAmericanSociety—thatis,Ididn'tknowitschiefvirtue。Ididn'tknowitschiefvirtueuntilhisExcellencyourAmbassadorrevealedit—Imaysay,exposedit。Iwasintendingtogohomeonthe13thofthismonth,butIlookuponthatinadifferentlightnow。IamgoingtostayhereuntiltheAmericanSocietypaysmypassage。
OurAmbassadorhasspokenofourFourthofJulyandthenoiseitmakes。WehavegotadoubleFourthofJuly—adaylightFourthandamidnightFourth。DuringthedayinAmerica,asourAmbassadorhasindicated,wekeeptheFourthofJulyproperlyinareverentspirit。
Wedevoteittoteachingourchildrenpatrioticthings—reverencefortheDeclarationofIndependence。Wehonorthedayallthroughthedaylighthour's,andwhennightcomeswedishonorit。Presently—
beforelong—theyaregettingnearlyreadytobeginnow—ontheAtlanticcoast,whennightshutsdown,thatpandemoniumwillbegin,andtherewillbenoise,andnoise,andnoise—allnightlong—andtherewillbemorethannoise—therewillbepeoplecrippled,therewillbepeoplekilled,therewillbepeoplewhowilllosetheireyes,andallthroughthatpermissionwhichwegivetoirresponsibleboystoplaywithfirearmsandfire—crackers,andallsortsofdangerousthings。WeturnthatFourthofJuly,alas！overtorowdiestodrinkandgetdrunkandmakethenighthideous,andwecrippleandkillmorepeoplethanyouwouldimagine。
WeprobablybegantocelebrateourFourth—of—Julynightinthatwayonehundredandtwenty—fiveyearsago,andoneveryFourth—of—Julynightsincethesehorrorshavegrownandgrown,untilnow,inourfivethousandtownsofAmerica,somebodygetskilledorcrippledoneveryFourth—of—Julynight,besidesthosecasesofsickpersonswhomweneverhearof,whodieastheresultofthenoiseortheshock。TheycrippleandkillmorepeopleontheFourthofJulyinAmericathantheykillandcrippleinourwarsnowadays,andtherearenopensionsforthesefolk。And,too,weburnhouses。ReallywedestroymorepropertyoneveryFourth—of—JulynightthanthewholeoftheUnitedStateswasworthonehundredandtwenty—fiveyearsago。
ReallyourFourthofJulyisourdayofmourning,ourdayofsorrow。
Fiftythousandpeoplewhohavelostfriends,orwhohavehadfriendscrippled,receivethatFourthofJuly,whenitcomes,asadayofmourningforthelossestheyhavesustainedintheirfamilies。
Ihavesufferedinthatwaymyself。Ihavehadrelativeskilledinthatway。OnewasinChicagoyearsago—anuncleofmine,justasgoodanuncleasIhaveeverhad,andIhadlotsofthem—yes,unclestoburn,unclestospare。Thispooruncle,fullofpatriotism,openedhismouthtohurrah,andarocketwentdownhisthroat。Beforethatmancouldaskforadrinkofwatertoquenchthatthing,itblewupandscatteredhimallovertheforty—fiveStates,and—really,now,thisistrue—Iknowaboutitmyself—twenty—fourhoursafterthatitwasrainingbuttons,recognizableashis,ontheAtlanticseaboard。A
personcannothaveadisasterlikethatandbeentirelycheerfultherestofhislife。Ihadanotheruncle,onanentirelydifferentFourthofJuly,whowasblownupthatway,andreallyittrimmedhimasitwouldatree。Hehadhardlyalimbleftonhimanywhere。Allwehaveleftnowisanexpurgatededitionofthatuncle。Butnevermindaboutthesethings;theyaremerelypassingmatters。Don'tletmemakeyousad。
SirMortimerDurandsaidthatyou,theEnglishpeople,gaveupyourcoloniesoverthere—gottiredofthem—anddiditwithreluctance。NowIwishyoujusttoconsiderthathewasrightaboutthat,andthathehadhisreasonsforsayingthatEnglanddidnotlookuponourRevolutionasaforeignwar,butasacivilwarfoughtbyEnglishmen。
OurFourthofJulywhichwehonorsomuch,andwhichwelovesomuch,andwhichwetakesomuchpridein,isanEnglishinstitution,notanAmericanone,anditcomesofagreatancestry。ThefirstFourthofJulyinthatnoblegenealogydatesbacksevencenturieslackingeightyears。ThatisthedayoftheGreatCharter—theMagnaCharta—whichwasbornatRunnymedeinthenexttothelastyearofKingJohn,andportionsofthelibertiessecuredthusbythosehardyBaronsfromthatreluctantKingJohnareapartofourDeclarationofIndependence,ofourFourthofJuly,ofourAmericanliberties。AndthesecondofthoseFourthsofJulywasnotbornuntilfourcenturieslater,inCharlestheFirst'stimeintheBillofRights,andthatisours,thatispartofourliberties。ThenextonewasstillEnglish,inNewEngland,wheretheyestablishedthatprinciplewhichremainswithustothisday,andinwillcontinuetoremainwithus—notaxationwithout—representation。Thatisalwaysgoingtostand,andthattheEnglishColoniesinNewEnglandgaveus。
TheFourthofJuly,andtheonewhichyouarecelebratingnow,borninPhiladelphiaonthe4thofJuly,1776—thatisEnglish,too。
ItisnotAmerican。ThosewereEnglishcolonists,subjectsofKingGeorgeIII。,Englishmenatheart,whoprotestedagainsttheoppressionsoftheHomeGovernment。Thoughtheyproposedtocurethoseoppressionsandremovethem,stillremainingundertheCrown,theywerenotintendingarevolution。Therevolutionwasbroughtaboutbycircumstanceswhichtheycouldnotcontrol。TheDeclarationofIndependencewaswrittenbyaBritishsubject,everynamesignedtoitwasthenameofaBritishsubject。TherewasnotthenameofasingleAmericanattachedtotheDeclarationofIndependence—infact,therewasnotanAmericaninthecountryinthatdayexcepttheIndiansoutontheplains。TheywereEnglishmen,allEnglishmen—
Americansdidnotbeginuntilsevenyearslater,whenthatFourthofJulyhadbecomesevenyearsold,andthentheAmericanRepublicwasestablished。SincethentherehavebeenAmericans。SoyouseewhatweowetoEnglandinthematterofliberties。
Wehave,however,oneFourthofJulywhichisabsolutelyourown,andthatisthatgreatproclamationissuedfortyyearsagobythatgreatAmericantowhomSirMortimerDurandpaidthatjustandbeautifultribute—AbrahamLincoln。Lincoln'sproclamation,whichnotonlysettheblackslavesfree,butsetthewhitemanfreealso。
Theownerwassetfreefromtheburdenandoffence,thatsadconditionofthingswherehewasinsomanyinstancesamasterandownerofslaveswhenhedidnotwanttobe。Thatproclamationsetthemallfree。ButeveninthismatterEnglandsuggestedit,forEnglandhadsetherslavesfreethirtyyearsbefore,andwefollowedherexample。Wealwaysfollowedherexample,whetheritwasgoodorbad。
AnditwasanEnglishjudgethatissuedthatothergreatproclamation,andestablishedthatgreatprinciplethat,whenaslave,lethimbelongtowhomhemay,andlethimcomewhencehemay,setshisfootuponEnglishsoil,hisfettersbythatactfallawayandheisafreemanbeforetheworld。Wefollowedtheexampleof1833,andwefreedourslavesasIhavesaid。
Itistrue,then,thatallourFourthsofJuly,andwehavefiveofthem,Englandgavetous,exceptthatonethatIhavementioned—
theEmancipationProclamation,and,lestweforget,letusallrememberthatweowethesethingstoEngland。LetusbeabletosaytoOldEngland,thisgreat—hearted,venerableoldmotheroftherace,yougaveusourFourthsofJulythatweloveandthatwehonorandrevere,yougaveustheDeclarationofIndependence,whichistheCharterofourrights,you,thevenerableMotherofLiberties,theProtectorofAnglo—SaxonFreedom—yougaveusthesethings,andwedomosthonestlythankyouforthem。
AMERICANSANDTHEENGLISH。
ADDRESSATAGATHERINGOFAMERICANSIN
LONDON,JULY4,1872。
MR。CHAIRMANANDLADIESANDGENTLEMEN,—Ithankyouforthecomplimentwhichhasjustbeentenderedme,andtoshowmyappreciationofitIwillnotafflictyouwithmanywords。Itispleasanttocelebrateinthispeacefulway,uponthisoldmothersoil,theanniversaryofanexperimentwhichwasbornofwarwiththissamelandsolongago,andwroughtouttoasuccessfulissuebythedevotionofourancestors。IthastakennearlyahundredyearstobringtheEnglishandAmericansintokindlyandmutuallyappreciativerelations,butIbelieveithasbeenaccomplishedatlast。Itwasagreatstepwhenthetwolastmisunderstandingsweresettledbyarbitrationinsteadofcannon。ItisanothergreatstepwhenEnglandadoptsoursewing—machineswithoutclaimingtheinvention—asusual。Itwasanotherwhentheyimportedoneofoursleeping—carstheotherday。AnditwarmedmyheartmorethanIcantell,yesterday,whenIwitnessedthespectacleofanEnglishmanorderinganAmericansherrycobblerofhisownfreewillandaccord—
andnotonlythatbutwithagreatbrainandalevelheadremindingthebarkeepernottoforgetthestrawberries。Withacommonorigin,acommonlanguage,acommonliterature,acommonreligion,and—commondrinks,whatislongerneedfultothecementingofthetwonationstogetherinapermanentbondofbrotherhood？
Thisisanageofprogress,andoursisaprogressiveland。A
greatandgloriousland,too—alandwhichhasdevelopedaWashington,aFranklin,aWm。M。Tweed,aLongfellow,aMotley,aJayGould,aSamuelC。Pomeroy,arecentCongresswhichhasneverhaditsequal（insomerespects）,andaUnitedStatesArmywhichconqueredsixtyIndiansineightmonthsbytiringthemout—whichismuchbetterthanuncivilizedslaughter,Godknows。Wehaveacriminaljurysystemwhichissuperiortoanyintheworldanditsefficiencyisonlymarredbythedifficultyoffindingtwelvemeneverydaywhodon'tknowanythingandcan'tread。AndImayobservethatwehaveaninsanitypleathatwouldhavesavedCain。IthinkIcansay,andsaywithpride,thatwehavesomelegislaturesthatbringhigherpricesthananyintheworld。
Ireferwitheffusiontoourrailwaysystem,whichcontentstoletuslive,thoughitmightdotheopposite,beingourowners。Itonlydestroyedthreethousandandseventyliveslastyearbycollisions,andtwenty—seventhousandtwohundredandsixtybyrunningoverheedlessandunnecessarypeopleatcrossings。Thecompaniesseriouslyregrettedthekillingofthesethirtythousandpeople,andwentsofarastopayforsomeofthem—voluntarily,ofcourse,forthemeanestofuswouldnotclaimthatwepossessacourttreacherousenoughtoenforcealawagainstarailwaycompany。But,thankHeaven,therailwaycompaniesaregenerallydisposedtodotherightandkindlythingwithoutcompulsion。Iknowofaninstancewhichgreatlytouchedmeatthetime。Afteranaccidentthecompanysenthometheremainsofadeardistantoldrelativeofmineinabasket,withtheremark,"Pleasestatewhatfigureyouholdhimat—andreturnthebasket。"Nowtherecouldn'tbeanythingfriendlierthanthat。
ButImustnotstandhereandbragallnight。However,youwon'tmindabodybraggingalittleabouthiscountryontheFourthofJuly。
Itisafairandlegitimatetimetoflytheeagle。Iwillsayonlyonemorewordofbrag—andahopefulone。Itisthis。Wehaveaformofgovernmentwhichgiveseachmanafairchanceandnofavor。Withusnoindividualisbornwitharighttolookdownuponhisneighborandholdhimincontempt。Letsuchofusasarenotdukesfindourconsolationinthat。Andwemayfindhopeforthefutureinthefactthatasunhappyasistheconditionofourpoliticalmoralityto—day,EnglandhasrisenupoutofafarfoulersincethedayswhenCharlesI。ennobledcourtesansandallpoliticalplacewasamatterofbargainandsale。Thereishopeforusyet。*
*AtleasttheaboveisthespeechwhichIwasgoingtomake,butourminister,GeneralSchenck,presided,andaftertheblessing,gotupandmadeagreat,long,inconceivablydullharangue,andwoundupbysayingthatinasmuchasspeech—makingdidnotseemtoexhilaratetheguestsmuch,allfurtheroratorywouldbedispensedwithduringtheevening,andwecouldjustsitandtalkprivatelytoourelbow—neighborsandhaveagood,sociabletime。Itisknownthatinconsequenceofthatremarkforty—fourperfectedspeechesdiedinthewomb。Thedepression,thegloom,thesolemnitythatreignedoverthebanquetfromthattimeforthwillbealastingmemorywithmanythatwerethere。BythatonethoughtlessremarkGeneralSchencklostforty—fourofthebestfriendshehadinEngland。Morethanonesaidthatnight:"Andthisisthesortofpersonthatissenttorepresentusinagreatsisterempire！"
ABOUTLONDON。
ADDRESSATADINNERGIVENBYTHESAVAGECLUB,LONDON,SEPTEMBER28,1872。
ReportedbyMoncureD。ConwayintheCincinnatiCommercial。
ITaffordsmesincerepleasuretomeetthisdistinguishedclub,aclubwhichhasextendeditshospitalitiesanditscordialwelcometosomanyofmycountrymen。Ihope[andherethespeaker'svoicebecamelowandfluttering]youwillexcusetheseclothes。Iamgoingtothetheatre;thatwillexplaintheseclothes。Ihaveotherclothesthanthese。JudginghumannaturebywhatIhaveseenofit,Isupposethatthecustomarythingforastrangertodowhenhestandshereistomakeapunonthenameofthisclub,undertheimpression,ofcourse,thatheisthefirstmanthatthatideahasoccurredto。Itisacredittoourhumannature,notablemishuponit;foritshowsthatunderlyingallourdepravity（andGodknowsandyouknowwearedepravedenough）andalloursophistication,anduntarnishedbythem,thereisasweetgermofinnocenceandsimplicitystill。Whenastrangersaystome,withaglowofinspirationinhiseye,somegentle,innocuouslittlethingabout"Twainandoneflesh,"andallthatsortofthing,Idon'ttrytocrushthatmanintotheearth—no。Ifeellikesaying:"Letmetakeyoubythehand,sir;letmeembraceyou;Ihavenotheardthatpunforweeks。"Wewilldealinpalpablepuns。WewillcallpartiesnamedKing"YourMajesty,"
andwewillsaytotheSmithsthatwethinkwehaveheardthatnamebeforesomewhere。Suchishumannature。Wecannotalterthis。ItisGodthatmadeussoforsomegoodandwisePurpose。Letusnotrepine。
ButthoughImayseemstrange,mayseemeccentric,Imeantorefrainfrompunninguponthenameofthisclub,thoughIcouldmakeaverygoodoneifIhadtimetothinkaboutit—aweek。
IcannotexpresstoyouwhatentireenjoymentIfindinthisfirstvisittothisprodigiousmetropolisofyours。Itswondersseemtometobelimitless。Igoaboutasinadream—asinarealmofenchantment—wheremanythingsarerareandbeautiful,andallthingsarestrangeandmarvellous。HourafterhourIstand—Istandspellbound,asitwere—andgazeuponthestatuaryinLeicesterSquare。[LeicesterSquarebeingahorriblechaos,withtherelicofanequestrianstatueinthecentre,thekingbeingheadlessandlimbless,andthehorseinlittlebettercondition。]IvisitthemortuaryeffigiesofnobleoldHenryVIII。,andJudgeJeffreys,andthepreservedgorilla,andtrytomakeupmymindwhichofmyancestorsIadmirethemost。IgotothatmatchlessHydeParkanddriveallaroundit,andthenIstarttoenteritattheMarbleArch—and—aminducedto"changemymind。"[CabsarenotpermittedinHydePark—