nothinglessaristocraticthanaprivatecarriage。]Itisagreatbenefaction—isHydePark。There,inhishansomcab,theinvalidcango—thepoor,sadchildofmisfortune—andinserthisnosebetweentherailings,andbreathethepure,health—givingairofthecountryandofheaven。Andifheisaswellinvalid,whoisn'tobligedtodependuponparksforhiscountryair,hecandriveinside—ifheownshisvehicle。IdriveroundandroundHydePark,andthemoreIseeoftheedgesofitthemoregratefulIamthatthemarginisextensive。
AndIhavebeentotheZoologicalGardens。Whatawonderfulplacethatis！Ineverhaveseensuchacuriousandinterestingvarietyofwildanimalsinanygardenbefore—except"Mabille。"Ineverbelievedbeforethereweresomanydifferentkindsofanimalsintheworldasyoucanfindthere—andIdon'tbelieveityet。IhavebeentotheBritishMuseum。Iwouldadviseyoutodropintheresometimewhenyouhavenothingtodofor—fiveminutes—ifyouhaveneverbeenthere。Itseemstomethenoblestmonumentthatthisnationhasyeterectedtohergreatness。Isaytoher,ourgreatness—asanation。True,shehasbuiltothermonuments,andstatelyones,aswell;buttheseshehasupliftedinhonoroftwoorthreecolossaldemigodswhohavestalkedacrosstheworld'sstage,destroyingtyrantsanddeliveringnations,andwhoseprodigieswillstillliveinthememoriesofmenagesaftertheirmonumentsshallhavecrumbledtodust—IrefertotheWellingtonandNelsonmonuments,and—theAlbertmemorial。[Sarcasm。TheAlbertmemorialisthefinestmonumentintheworld,andcelebratestheexistenceofascommonplaceapersonasgoodluckeverliftedoutofobscurity。]
ThelibraryattheBritishMuseumIfindparticularlyastounding。
Ihavereadtherehourstogether,andhardlymadeanimpressiononit。
Ireverethatlibrary。Itistheauthor'sfriend。Idon'tcarehowmeanabookis,italwaystakesonecopy。[AcopyofeverybookprintedinGreatBritainmustbylawbesenttotheBritishMuseum,alawmuchcomplainedofbypublishers。]Andtheneverydaythatauthorgoestheretogazeatthatbook,andisencouragedtogooninthegoodwork。AndwhatatouchingsightitisofaSaturdayafternoontoseethepoor,care—wornclergymengatheredtogetherinthatvastreading—roomcabbagingsermonsforSunday。Youwillpardonmyreferringtothesethings。Everythinginthismonstercityinterestsme,andIcannotkeepfromtalking,evenattheriskofbeinginstructive。Peoplehereseemalwaystoexpressdistancesbyparables。Toastrangeritisjustalittleconfusingtobesoparabolic—sotospeak。Icollaracitizen,andIthinkIamgoingtogetsomevaluableinformationoutofhim。IaskhimhowfaritistoBirmingham,andhesaysitistwenty—oneshillingsandsixpence。
Nowweknowthatdoesn'thelpamanwhoistryingtolearn。Ifindmyselfdown—townsomewhere,andIwanttogetsomesortofideawhereIam—beingusuallylostwhenalone—andIstopacitizenandsay:"HowfarisittoCharingCross？""Shillingfareinacab,"andoffhegoes。IsupposeifIweretoaskaLondonerhowfaritisfromthesublimetotheridiculous,hewouldtrytoexpressitincoin。ButIamtrespassinguponyourtimewiththesegeologicalstatisticsandhistoricalreflections。Iwillnotlongerkeepyoufromyourorgies。'Tisarealpleasureformetobehere,andIthankyouforit。ThenameoftheSavageClubisassociatedinmymindwiththekindlyinterestandthefriendlyofficeswhichyoulavisheduponanoldfriendofminewhocameamongyouastranger,andyouopenedyourEnglishheartstohimandgavehimwelcomeandahome—ArtemusWard。Askingthatyouwilljoinme,Igiveyouhismemory。
PRINCETON
PRINCETON。
Mr。ClemensspentseveraldaysinMay,1901,inPrinceton,NewJersey,astheguestofLawrenceHutton。Hegaveareadingoneeveningbeforealargeaudiencecomposedofuniversitystudentsandprofessors。BeforethereadingMr。Clemenssaid:
IFEELexceedinglysurreptitiousincomingdownherewithoutanannouncementofanykind。Idonotwanttoseeanyadvertisementsaround,forthereasonthatI'mnotalectureranylonger。I
reformedlongago,andIbreakoverandcommitthissinonlyjustonetimethisyear—andthatismoderate,Ithink,forapersonofmydisposition。ItisnotmypurposetolectureanymoreaslongasIlive。Ineverintendtostanduponaplatformanymore—unlessbytherequestofasherifforsomethinglikethat。
THEST。LOUISHARBOR—BOAT
"MARKTWAIN"。
TheCountessdeRochambeauchristenedtheSt。Louisharbor—boatMarkTwaininhonorofMr。ClemensJune6,19O2。Justbeforetheluncheonheactedaspilot。
"Lowerawaylead！"boomedoutthevoiceofthepilot。
"Marktwain,quarterfiveandone—half—sixfeet！"repliedtheleadsmanbelow。
"YouarealldeadsafeaslongasIhavethewheel—butthisismylasttimeatthewheel。"
AttheluncheonMr。Clemensmadeashortaddress。
FIRSTofall,no—secondofall—IwishtooffermythanksforthehonordonemebynamingthislastroseofsummeroftheMississippiValleyforme,thisboatwhichrepresentsaperishedinterest,whichI
fortifiedlongago,butdidnotsaveitslife。And,inthefirstplace,IwishtothanktheCountessdeRochambeauforthehonorshehasdonemeinpresidingatthischristening。
IbelievethatitispeculiarlyappropriatethatIshouldbeallowedtheprivilegeofjoiningmyvoicewiththegeneralvoiceofSt。
LouisandMissouriinwelcomingtotheMississippiValleyandthispartofthecontinenttheseillustriousvisitorsfromFrance。
WhenLaSallecamedownthisriveracenturyandaquarteragotherewasnothingonitsbanksbutsavages。Heopenedupthisgreatriver,andbyhissimpleactwasgatheredinthisgreatLouisianaterritory。Iwouldhavedoneitmyselfforhalfthemoney。
SEVENTIETHBIRTHDAY。
ADDRESSATADINNERGIVENBYCOLONELGEORGEHARVEY
ATDELMONICO'S,DECEMBER5,1905,TOCELEBRATE
THESEVENTIETHANNIVERSARYOF
MR。CLEMENS'BIRTH。
Mr。HowellsintroducedMr。Clemens:
"Now,ladiesandgentlemen,andColonelHarvey,Iwilltrynottobegreedyonyourbehalfinwishingthehealthofourhonoredand,inviewofhisgreatage,ourreveredguest。Iwillnotsay,'OhKing,liveforever！'but'OhKing,liveaslongasyoulike！'"[AmidgreatapplauseandwavingofnapkinsallriseanddrinktoMarkTwain。]
WELL,ifImadethatjoke,itisthebestoneIevermade,anditisintheprettiestlanguage,too。Inevercangetquitetothatheight。ButIappreciatethatjoke,andIshallrememberit—andI
shalluseitwhenoccasionrequires。
Ihavehadagreatmanybirthdaysinmytime。Irememberthefirstoneverywell,andIalwaysthinkofitwithindignation;everythingwassocrude,unaesthetic,primeval。Nothinglikethisatall。Noproperappreciativepreparationmade;nothingreallyready。Now,forapersonbornwithhighanddelicateinstincts—why,eventhecradlewasn'twhitewashed—nothingreadyatall。Ihadn'tanyhair,I
hadn'tanyteeth,Ihadn'tanyclothes,Ihadtogotomyfirstbanquetjustlikethat。Well,everybodycameswarmingin。Itwasthemerestlittlebitofavillage—hardlythat,justalittlehamlet,inthebackwoodsofMissouri,wherenothingeverhappened,andthepeoplewereallinterested,andtheyallcame;theylookedmeovertoseeiftherewasanythingfreshinmyline。Why,nothingeverhappenedinthatvillage—I—why,Iwastheonlythingthathadreallyhappenedthereformonthsandmonthsandmonths;AndalthoughIsayitmyselfthatshouldn't,Icamethenearesttobeingarealeventthathadhappenedinthatvillageinmorethantwoyears。Well,thosepeoplecame,theycamewiththatcuriositywhichissoprovincial,withthatfranknesswhichalsoissoprovincial,andtheyexaminedmeallaroundandgavetheiropinion。Nobodyaskedthem,andI
shouldn'thavemindedifanybodyhadpaidmeacompliment,butnobodydid。Theiropinionswerealljustgreenwithprejudice,andI
feelthoseopinionstothisday。Well,Istoodthataslongas—
well,youknowIwasborncourteousandIstoodittothelimit。I
stooditanhour,andthenthewormturned。Iwastheworm;itwasmyturntoturn,andIturned。Iknewverywellthestrengthofmyposition;IknewthatIwastheonlyspotlesslypureandinnocentpersoninthatwholetown,andIcameoutandsaidso。Andtheycouldnotsayaword。Itwassotrue,Theyblushed;theywereembarrassed。Wellthatwasthefirstafter—dinnerspeechIevermade。Ithinkitwasafterdinner。
It'salongstretchbetweenthatfirstbirthdayspeechandthisone。
Thatwasmycradle—song,andthisismyswan—song,Isuppose。Iamusedtoswan—songs;Ihavesungthemseveraltimes。
Thisismyseventiethbirthday,andIwonderifyouallrisetothesizeofthatproposition,realizingallthesignificanceofthatphrase,seventiethbirthday。
Theseventiethbirthday！Itisthetimeoflifewhenyouarriveatanewandawfuldignity;whenyoumaythrowasidethedecentreserveswhichhaveoppressedyouforagenerationandstandunafraidandunabasheduponyourseven—terracedsummitandlookdownandteach—
unrebuked。Youcantelltheworldhowyougotthere。Itiswhattheyalldo。Youshallnevergettiredoftellingbywhatdelicateartsanddeepmoralitiesyouclimbeduptothatgreatplace。Youwillexplaintheprocessanddwellontheparticularswithsenilerapture。Ihavebeenanxioustoexplainmyownsystemthislongtime,andnowatlastIhavetheright。
Ihaveachievedmyseventyyearsintheusualway:bystickingstrictlytoaschemeoflifewhichwouldkillanybodyelse。Itsoundslikeanexaggeration,butthatisreallythecommonruleforattainingtooldage。Whenweexaminetheprogrammeofanyofthesegarrulousoldpeoplewealwaysfindthatthehabitswhichhavepreservedthemwouldhavedecayedus;thatthewayoflifewhichenabledthemtoliveuponthepropertyoftheirheirssolong,asMr。Choatesays,wouldhaveputusoutofcommissionaheadoftime。
Iwillofferhere,asasoundmaxim,this:Thatwecan'treacholdagebyanotherman'sroad。
Iwillnowteach,offeringmywayoflifetowhomsoeverdesirestocommitsuicidebytheschemewhichhasenabledmetobeatthedoctorandthehangmanforseventyyears。Someofthedetailsmaysounduntrue,buttheyarenot。Iamnotheretodeceive;Iamheretoteach。
Wehavenopermanenthabitsuntilweareforty。Thentheybegintoharden,presentlytheypetrify,thenbusinessbegins。SincefortyI
havebeenregularaboutgoingtobedandgettingup—andthatisoneofthemainthings。Ihavemadeitaruletogotobedwhentherewasn'tanybodylefttositupwith;andIhavemadeitaruletogetupwhenIhadto。Thishasresultedinanunswervingregularityofirregularity。Ithassavedmesound,butitwouldinjureanotherperson。
Inthematterofdiet—whichisanothermainthing—Ihavebeenpersistentlystrictinstickingtothethingswhichdidn'tagreewithmeuntiloneortheotherofusgotthebestofit。UntillatelyIgotthebestofitmyself。ButlastspringIstoppedfrolickingwithmince—pieaftermidnight;uptothenIhadalwaysbelieveditwasn'tloaded。ForthirtyyearsIhavetakencoffeeandbreadateightinthemorning,andnobitenorsupuntilseven—thirtyintheevening。Elevenhours。Thatisallrightforme,andiswholesome,becauseIhaveneverhadaheadacheinmylife,butheadachypeoplewouldnotreachseventycomfortablybythatroad,andtheywouldbefoolishtotryit。AndIwishtourgeuponyouthis—whichIthinkiswisdom—thatifyoufindyoucan'tmakeseventybyanybutanuncomfortableroad,don'tyougo。WhentheytakeoffthePullmanandretireyoutotherancidsmoker,putonyourthings,countyourchecks,andgetoutatthefirstwaystationwherethere'sacemetery。
Ihavemadeitarulenevertosmokemorethanonecigaratatime。Ihavenootherrestrictionasregardssmoking。IdonotknowjustwhenIbegantosmoke,Ionlyknowthatitwasinmyfather'slifetime,andthatIwasdiscreet。Hepassedfromthislifeearlyin1847,whenIwasashadepasteleven;eversincethenIhavesmokedpublicly。Asanexampletoothers,andnotthatIcareformoderationmyself,ithasalwaysbeenmyrulenevertosmokewhenasleep,andnevertorefrainwhenawake。Itisagoodrule。Imean,forme;butsomeofyouknowquitewellthatitwouldn'tanswerforeverybodythat'stryingtogettobeseventy。
IsmokeinbeduntilIhavetogotosleep;Iwakeupinthenight,sometimesonce,sometimestwice,sometimesthreetimes,andI
neverwasteanyoftheseopportunitiestosmoke。ThishabitissooldanddearandprecioustomethatIwouldfeelasyou,sir,wouldfeelifyoushouldlosetheonlymoralyou'vegot—meaningthechairman—ifyou'vegotone:Iammakingnocharges。Iwillgrant,here,thatIhavestoppedsmokingnowandthen,forafewmonthsatatime,butitwasnotonprinciple,itwasonlytoshowoff;itwastopulverizethosecriticswhosaidIwasaslavetomyhabitsandcouldn'tbreakmybonds。
To—dayitisallofsixtyyearssinceIbegantosmokethelimit。
Ihaveneverboughtcigarswithlife—beltsaroundthem。Iearlyfoundthatthoseweretooexpensiveforme。Ihavealwaysboughtcheapcigars—reasonablycheap,atanyrate。Sixtyyearsagotheycostmefourdollarsabarrel,butmytastehasimproved,latterly,andI
paysevennow。Sixorseven。Seven,Ithink。Yes,it'sseven。Butthatincludesthebarrel。Ioftenhavesmoking—partiesatmyhouse;butthepeoplethatcomehavealwaysjusttakenthepledge。Iwonderwhythatis？
Asfordrinking,Ihavenoruleaboutthat。WhentheothersdrinkIliketohelp;otherwiseIremaindry,byhabitandpreference。
Thisdrynessdoesnothurtme,butitcouldeasilyhurtyou,becauseyouaredifferent。Youletitalone。
SinceIwassevenyearsoldIhaveseldomtakenadoseofmedicine,andhavestillseldomerneededone。ButuptosevenI
livedexclusivelyonallopathicmedicines。NotthatIneededthem,forIdon'tthinkIdid;itwasforeconomy;myfathertookadrug—storeforadebt,anditmadecod—liveroilcheaperthantheotherbreakfastfoods。Wehadninebarrelsofit,anditlastedmesevenyears。
Then。Iwasweaned。Therestofthefamilyhadtogetalongwithrhubarbandipecacandsuchthings,becauseIwasthepet。IwasthefirstStandardOilTrust。Ihaditall。Bythetimethedrugstorewasexhaustedmyhealthwasestablished,andtherehasneverbeenmuchthematterwith,mesince。Butyouknowverywellitwouldbefoolishfortheaveragechildtostartforseventyonthatbasis。Ithappenedtobejustthethingforme,butthatwasmerelyanaccident;
itcouldn'thappenagaininacentury。
Ihavenevertakenanyexercise,exceptsleepingandresting,andIneverintendtotakeany。Exerciseisloathsome。Anditcannotbeanybenefitwhenyouaretired;andIwasalwaystired。Butletanotherpersontrymyway,andseewherehewillcomeout。
Idesirenowtorepeatandemphasizethatmaxim:Wecan'treacholdagebyanotherman'sroad。Myhabitsprotectmylife,buttheywouldassassinateyou。
Ihavelivedaseverelymorallife。Butitwouldbeamistakeforotherpeopletotrythat,orformetorecommendit。Veryfewwouldsucceed:youhavetohaveaperfectlycolossalstockofmorals;andyoucan'tgetthemonamargin;youhavetohavethewholething,andputtheminyourbox。Moralsareanacquirement—likemusic,likeaforeignlanguage,likepiety,poker,paralysis—nomanisborn。
withthem。Iwasn'tmyself,Istartedpoor。Ihadn'tasinglemoral。
ThereishardlyamaninthishousethatispoorerthanIwasthen。
Yes,Istartedlikethat—theworldbeforeme,notamoralintheslot。Notevenaninsurancemoral。IcanrememberthefirstoneIevergot。Icanrememberthelandscape,theweather,the—Icanrememberhoweverythinglooked。Itwasanoldmoral,anoldsecond—handmoral,alloutofrepair,anddidn'tfit,anyway。Butifyouarecarefulwithathinglikethat,andkeepitinadryplace,andsaveitforprocessions,andChautauquas,andWorld'sFairs,andsoon,anddisinfectitnowandthen,andgiveitafreshcoatofwhitewashonceinawhile,youwillbesurprisedtoseehowwellshewilllastandhowlongshewillkeepsweet,oratleastinoffensive。WhenI
gotthatmouldyoldmoral,shehadstoppedgrowing,becauseshehadn'tanyexercise;butIworkedherhard,IworkedherSundaysandall。
Underthiscultivationshewaxedinmightandstaturebeyondbelief,andservedmewellandwasmyprideandjoyforsixty—threeyears;
thenshegottoassociatingwithinsurancepresidents,andlostfleshandcharacter,andwasasorrowtolookatandnolongercompetentforbusiness。Shewasagreatlosstome。Yetnotallloss。Isoldher—ah,patheticskeleton,asshewas—IsoldhertoLeopold,thepirateKingofBelgium;hesoldhertoourMetropolitanMuseum,anditwasverygladtogether,forwithoutaragon,shestands57feetlongand16feethigh,andtheythinkshe'sabrontosaur。Well,shelooksit。Theybelieveitwilltakenineteengeologicalperiodstobreedhermatch。
Moralsareofinestimablevalue,foreverymanisborncrammedwithsinmicrobes,andtheonlythingthatcanextirpatethesesinmicrobesismorals。NowyoutakeasterilizedChristian—Imean,youtakethesterilizedChristian,forthere'sonlyone。Dearsir,I
wishyouwouldn'tlookatmelikethat。
Threescoreyearsandten！
ItistheScripturalstatuteoflimitations。Afterthat,youowenoactiveduties;foryouthestrenuouslifeisover。Youareatime—expiredman,touseKipling'smilitaryphrase:Youhaveservedyourterm,wellorlesswell,andyouaremusteredout。Youarebecomeanhonorarymemberoftherepublic,youareemancipated,compulsionsarenotforyou,notanybugle—callbut"lightsout。"Youpaythetime—worndutybillsifyouchoose,ordeclineifyouprefer—andwithoutprejudice—fortheyarenotlegallycollectable。
Theprevious—engagementplea,whichinfortyyearshascostyousomanytwinges,youcanlayasideforever;onthissideofthegraveyouwillneverneeditagain。Ifyoushrinkatthethoughtofnightandwinter,andthelatehome—comingfromthebanquetandthelightsandthelaughterthroughthedesertedstreets—adesolationwhichwouldnotremindyounow,asforagenerationitdid,thatyourfriendsaresleeping,andyoumustcreepina—tiptoeandnotdisturbthem,butwouldonlyremindyouthatyouneednottiptoe,youcanneverdisturbthemmore—ifyoushrinkatthoughtofthesethings,youneedonlyreply,"Yourinvitationhonorsme,andpleasesmebecauseyoustillkeepmeinyourremembrance,butIamseventy;seventy,andwouldnestleinthechimney—corner,andsmokemypipe,andreadmybook,andtakemyrest,wishingyouwellinallaffection,andthatwhenyouinyourreturnshallarriveatpierNo。70youmaystepaboardyourwaitingshipwithareconciledspirit,andlayyourcoursetowardthesinkingsunwithacontentedheart。