Sheraisedaboythatcouldnottellalie—couldnottellalie！
Butheneverhadanychance。ItmighthavebeendifferentifhehadbelongedtotheWashingtonNewspaperCorrespondents'Club。
Irepeat,sir,thatinwhateverpositionyouplaceawomansheisanornamenttosocietyandatreasuretotheworld。Asasweetheart,shehasfewequalsandnosuperiors;asacousin,sheisconvenient;
asawealthygrandmotherwithanincurabledistemper,sheisprecious;
asawet—nurse,shehasnoequalamongmen。
What,sir,wouldthepeopleoftheearthbewithoutwoman？Theywouldbescarce,sir,almightyscarce。Thenletuscherishher;letusprotecther;letusgiveheroursupport,ourencouragement,oursympathy,ourselves—ifwegetachance。
But,jestingaside,Mr。President,womanislovable,gracious,kindofheart,beautiful—worthyofallrespect,ofallesteem,ofalldeference。Notanyherewillrefusetodrinkherhealthrightcordiallyinthisbumperofwine,foreachandeveryonehaspersonallyknown,andloved,andhonoredtheverybestoneofthemall—hisownmother。
ADVICETOGIRLS。
In1907ayounggirlwhomMr。ClemensmetonthesteamerMinnehahacalledhim"grandpa,"andhecalledherhisgranddaughter。ShewasattendingSt。Timothy'sSchool,atCatonsville,Maryland,andMr。
Clemenspromisedhertoseehergraduate。HeaccordinglymadethejourneyfromNewYorkonJune10,1909,anddeliveredashortaddress。
IDON'Tknowwhattotellyougirlstodo。Mr。Martinhastoldyoueverythingyououghttodo,andnowImustgiveyousomedon'ts。
TherearethreethingswhichcometomymindwhichIconsiderexcellentadvice:
First,girls,don'tsmoke—thatis,don'tsmoketoexcess。Iamseventy—threeandahalfyearsold,andhavebeensmokingseventy—threeofthem。ButIneversmoketoexcess—thatis,Ismokeinmoderation,onlyonecigaratatime。
Second,don'tdrink—thatis,don'tdrinktoexcess。
Third,don'tmarry—Imean,toexcess。
Honestyisthebestpolicy。Thatisanoldproverb;butyoudon'twantevertoforgetitinyourjourneythroughlife。
TAXESANDMORALS。
ADDRESSDELIVEREDINNEWYORK,JANUARY22,1906。
Atthetwenty—fifthanniversaryofthefoundingofTuskeegeeInstitutebyBookerT。Washington,Mr。Choatepresided,andinintroducingMr。Clemensmadefunofhimbecausehemadeplayhiswork,andthatwhenheworkedhardesthedidsolyinginbed。
ICAMEhereintheresponsiblecapacityofpolicemantowatchMr。
Choate。Thisisanoccasionofgraveandseriousimportance,anditseemsnecessaryformetobepresent,sothatifhetriedtoworkoffanystatementthatrequiredcorrection,reduction,refutation,orexposure,therewouldbeatriedfriendofthepublictoprotectthehouse。Hehasnotmadeonestatementwhoseveracityfailstotallyexactlywithmyownstandard。Ihaveneverseenapersonimproveso。
Thismakesmethankfulandproudofacountrythatcanproducesuchmen—twosuchmen。Andallinthesamecountry。Wecan'tbewithyoualways;wearepassingaway,andthen—well,everythingwillhavetostop,Ireckon。Itisasadthought。ButinspiritIshallstillbewithyou。Choate,too—ifhecan。
EverybornAmericanamongtheeightymillions,lethiscreedordestitutionofcreedbewhatitmay,isindisputablyaChristiantothisdegree—thathismoralconstitutionisChristian。
TherearetwokindsofChristianmorals,oneprivateandtheotherpublic。Thesetwoaresodistinct,sounrelated,thattheyarenomoreakintoeachotherthanarearchangelsandpoliticians。Duringthreehundredandsixty—threedaysintheyeartheAmericancitizenistruetohisChristianprivatemorals,andkeepsundefiledthenation'scharacteratitsbestandhighest;thenintheothertwodaysoftheyearheleaveshisChristianprivatemoralsathomeandcarrieshisChristianpublicmoralstothetaxofficeandthepolls,anddoesthebesthecantodamageandundohiswholeyear'sfaithfulandrighteouswork。Withoutablushhewillvoteforanuncleanbossifthatbossishisparty'sMoses,withoutcompunctionhewillvoteagainstthebestmaninthewholelandifheisontheotherticket。
EveryyearinanumberofcitiesandStateshehelpsputcorruptmeninoffice,whereasifhewouldbutthrowawayhisChristianpublicmorals,andcarryhisChristianprivatemoralstothepolls,hecouldpromptlypurifythepublicserviceandmakethepossessionofofficeahighandhonorabledistinction。
OnceayearhelaysasidehisChristianprivatemoralsandhiresaferry—boatandpilesuphisbondsinawarehouseinNewJerseyforthreedays,andgetsouthisChristianpublicmoralsandgoestothetaxofficeandholdsuphishandsandswearshewisheshemaynever—
neverifhe'sgotacentintheworld,sohelphim。Thenextdaythelistappearsinthepapers—acolumnandaquarterofnames,infineprint,andeverymaninthelistabillionaireandmemberofacoupleofchurches。Iknowallthosepeople。Ihavefriendly,social,andcriminalrelationswiththewholelotofthem。Theynevermissasermonwhentheyareso'stobearound,andtheynevermissswearing—offday,whethertheyareso'stobearoundornot。
Iusedtobeanhonestman。Iamcrumbling。No—Ihavecrumbled。
Whentheyassessedmeat$75,000afortnightagoIwentoutandtriedtoborrowthemoney,andcouldn't;thenwhenIfoundtheywerelettingawholecropofmillionairesliveinNewYorkatathirdofthepricetheywerechargingmeIwashurt,Iwasindignant,andsaid:
"Thisisthelastfeather。Iamnotgoingtorunthistownallbymyself。"Inthatmoment—inthatmemorablemoment—Ibegantocrumble。
Infifteenminutesthedisintegrationwascomplete。InfifteenminutesIhadbecomejustameremoralsand—pile;andIliftedupmyhandalongwiththoseseasonedandexperienceddeaconsandsworeoffeveryragofpersonalpropertyI'vegotintheworld,cleardowntocorkleg,glasseye,andwhatisleftofmywig。
Thosetaxofficersweremoved;theywereprofoundlymoved。Theyhadlongbeenaccustomedtoseeinghardenedoldgraftersactlikethat,andtheycouldendurethespectacle;buttheywereexpectingbetterthingsofme,achartered,professionalmoralist,andtheyweresaddened。
Ifellvisiblyintheirrespectandesteem,andIshouldhavefalleninmyown,exceptthatIhadalreadystruckbottom,andtherewasn'tanyplacetofallto。
AtTuskeegeetheywilljumptomisleadingconclusionsfrominsufficientevidence,alongwithDoctorParkhurst,andtheywilldeceivethestudentwiththesuperstitionthatnogentlemaneverswears。
Lookatthosegoodmillionaires;aren'ttheygentlemen？Well,theyswear。Onlyonceinayear,maybe,butthere'senough,bulktoittomakeupforthelosttime。Anddotheyloseanythingbyit？No,theydon't;theysaveenoughinthreeminutestosupportthefamilysevenyears。Whentheyswear,doweshudder？No—unlesstheysay"damn！"
Thenwedo。Itshrivelsusallup。Yetweoughtnottofeelsoaboutit,becauseweallswear—everybody。Includingtheladies。IncludingDoctorParkhurst,thatstrongandbraveandexcellentcitizen,butsuperficiallyeducated。
Foritisnotthewordthatisthesin,itisthespiritbackoftheword。Whenanirritatedladysays"oh！"thespiritbackofitis"damn！"andthatisthewayitisgoingtoberecordedagainsther。ItalwaysmakesmesosorrywhenIhearaladyswearlikethat。Butifshesays"damn,"andsaysitinanamiable,niceway,itisn'tgoingtoberecordedatall。
Theideathatnogentlemaneverswearsisallwrong;hecanswearandstillbeagentlemanifhedoesitinaniceandbenevolentandaffectionateway。Thehistorian,JohnFiske,whomIknewwellandloved,wasaspotlessandmostnobleanduprightChristiangentleman,andyethesworeonce。Notexactlythat,maybe;still,he—butIwilltellyouaboutit。
Oneday,whenhewasdeeplyimmersedinhiswork,hiswifecamein,muchmovedandprofoundlydistressed,andsaid:"Iamsorrytodisturbyou,John,butImust,forthisisaseriousmatter,andneedstobeattendedtoatonce。"
Then,lamenting,shebroughtagraveaccusationagainsttheirlittleson。Shesaid:"HehasbeensayinghisAuntMaryisafoolandhisAuntMarthaisadamnedfool。"Mr。Fiskereflecteduponthematteraminute,thensaid:"Oh,well,it'saboutthedistinctionIshouldmakebetweenthemmyself。"
Mr。Washington,Ibegyoutoconveytheseteachingstoyourgreatandprosperousandmostbeneficenteducationalinstitution,andaddthemtotheprodigalmentalandmoralricheswherewithyouequipyourfortunateprotegesforthestruggleoflife。
TAMMANYANDCROKER。
Mr。ClemensmadehisdebutasacampaignoratoronOctober7,1901,advocatingtheelectionofSethLowforMayor,notasaRepublican,butasamemberofthe"Acorns,"whichhedescribedasa"thirdpartyhavingnopoliticalaffiliation,butwasconcernedonlyintheselectionofthebestcandidatesandthebestmember。"
GREATBRITAINhadaTammanyandaCrokeragoodwhileago。ThisTammanywasinIndia,anditbeganitscareerwiththespreadoftheEnglishdominionaftertheBattleofPlassey。ItsfirstbosswasClive,asufficientlycrookedpersonsometimes,butstraightasayardstickwhencomparedwiththecorkscrewcrookednessofthesecondboss,WarrenHastings。
Thatold—timeTammanywastheEastIndiaCompany'sgovernment,andhaditsheadquartersatCalcutta。OstensiblyitconsistedofaGreatCounciloffourpersons,ofwhomonewastheGovernor—General,WarrenHastings;reallyitconsistedofoneperson—WarrenHastings;
forbyusurpationheconcentratedallauthorityinhimselfandgovernedthecountrylikeanautocrat。
OstensiblytheCourtofDirectors,sittinginLondonandrepresentingthevastinterestsofthestockholders,wassupremeinauthorityovertheCalcuttaGreatCouncil,whosemembershipitappointedandremovedatpleasure,whosepoliciesitdictated,andtowhomitconveyeditswillintheformofsovereigncommands;butwheneveritsuitedHastings,heignoredeventhataugustbody'sauthorityandconductedthemightyaffairsoftheBritishEmpireinIndiatosuithisownnotions。
Athismercywasthedailybreadofeveryofficial,everytrader,everyclerk,everycivilservant,bigandlittle,inthewholehugeIndiaCompany'smachine,andthemanwhohazardedhisbreadbyanyfailureofsubserviencytothebosslostit。
Nowthen,letthesuprememastersofBritishIndia,thegiantcorporationoftheIndiaCompanyofLondon,standforthevotersofthecityofNewYork;lettheGreatCouncilofCalcuttastandforTammany;letthecorruptandmoney—grubbinggreathiveofserfswhichservedundertheIndianTammany'srodstandforNewYorkTammany'sserfs;letWarrenHastingsstandforRichardCroker,anditseemstomethattheparallelisexactandcomplete。AndsoletusbeproperlygratefulandthankGodandourgoodluckthatwedidn'tinventTammany。
EdmundBurke,regardedbymanyasthegreatestoratorofalltimes,conductedthecaseagainstWarrenHastingsinthatrenownedtrialwhichlastedyears,andwhichpromisestokeepitsrenownforcenturiestocome。Iwishtoquotesomeofthethingshesaid。I
wishtoimaginehimarraingingMr。CrokerandTammanybeforethevotersofNewYorkCityandpleadingwiththemfortheoverthrowofthatcombinediniquityofthe5thofNovember,andwillsubstitutefor"MyLords,"read"Fellow—Citizens";for"Kingdom,"read"City";for"ParliamentaryProcess,"read"PoliticalCampaign";for"TwoHouses,"read"TwoParties,"andsoitreads:
"Fellow—citizens,Imustlookuponitasanauspiciouscircumstancetothiscause,inwhichthehonorofthecityisinvolved,thatfromthefirstcommencementofourpoliticalcampaigntothisthehourofsolemntrialnotthesmallestdifferenceofopinionhasarisenbetweenthetwoparties。
"Youwillsee,intheprogressofthiscause,thatthereisnotonlyalong,connected,systematicseriesofmisdemeanors,butanequallyconnectedsystemofmaximsandprinciplesinventedtojustifythem。
Uponbothoftheseyoumustjudge。
"ItisnotonlytheinterestofthecityofNewYork,nowthemostconsiderablepartofthecityoftheAmericans,whichisconcerned,butthecreditandhonorofthenationitselfwillbedecidedbythisdecision。"
AtalatermeetingoftheAcornClub,Mr。Clemenssaid:
Tammanyisdead,andthere'snouseinblackguardingacorpse。
Theelectionmakesmethinkofastoryofamanwhowasdying。Hehadonlytwominutestolive,sohesentforaclergymanandaskedhim,"Whereisthebestplacetogoto？"Hewasundecidedaboutit。Sotheminister。toldhimthateachplacehaditsadvantages—heavenforclimate,andhellforsociety。
MUNICIPALCORRUPTION。
ADDRESSATTHECITYCLUBDINNER,JANUARY4,1901。
BishopPottertoldhowanallegedrepresentativeofTammanyHallaskedhimineffectifhewouldceasehiswarfareuponthePoliceDepartmentifacertaincaptainandinspectorweredismissed。Herepliedthathewouldneverbesatisfieduntilthe"manatthetop"
andthe"system"whichpermittedevilsinthePoliceDepartmentwerecrushed。
THEBishophasjustspokenofaconditionofthingswhichnoneofuscandeny,andwhichoughtnottoexist;thatis,thelustofgain—alustwhichdoesnotstopshortofthepenitentiaryorthejailtoaccomplishitsends。Butwemaybesureofonething,andthatisthatthissortofthingisnotuniversal。Ifitwere,thiscountrywouldnotbe。Youmayputthisdownasafact:thatoutofeveryfiftymen,forty—nineareclean。Thenwhyisit,youmayask,thattheforty—ninedon'thavethingsthewaytheywantthem？I'lltellyouwhyitis。Agooddealhasbeensaidhereto—nightaboutwhatistobeaccomplishedbyorganization。That'sjustthething。It'sbecausethefiftiethfellowandhispalsareorganizedandtheotherforty—ninearenotthatthedirtyonerubsitintothecleanfellowseverytime。
Youmaysayorganize,organize,organize;buttheremaybesomuchorganizationthatitwillinterferewiththeworktobedone。TheBishopherehadanexperienceofthatsort,andtoldallaboutitdown—towntheothernight。Hewaspaintingabarn—itwashisownbarn—andyethewasinformedthathisworkmuststop;hewasanon—unionpainter,andcouldn'tcontinueatthatsortofjob。
Now,alltheseconditionsofwhichyoucomplainshouldberemedied,andIamheretotellyoujusthowtodoit。I'vebeenastatesmanwithoutsalaryformanyyears,andIhaveaccomplishedgreatandwidespreadgood。Idon'tknowthatithasbenefitedanybodyverymuch,evenifitwasgood;butIdoknowthatithasn'tharmedmeverymuch,andishasn'tmademeanyricher。
Weholdthebalanceofpower。Putupyourbestmenforoffice,andweshallsupportthebetterone。WiththeelectionofthebestmanforMayorwouldfollowtheselectionofthebestmanforPoliceCommissionerandChiefofPolice。
Myfirstlessoninthecraftofstatesmanshipwastakenatanearlyage。Fifty—oneyearsagoIwasfourteenyearsold,andwehadasocietyinthetownIlivedin,patternedaftertheFree—masons,ortheAncientOrderofUnitedFarmers,orsomesuchthing—justwhatitwaspatternedafterdoesn'tmatter。Ithadaninsideguardandanoutsideguard,andapast—grandwarden,andalotofsuchthings,soastogivedignitytotheorganizationandofficestothemembers。
Generallyspeakingitwasaprettygoodsortoforganization,andsomeoftheverybestboysinthevillage,including—butImustn'tgetpersonalonanoccasionlikethis—andthesocietywouldhavegotalongprettywellhaditnotbeenforthefactthattherewereacertainnumberofthememberswhocouldbebought。Theygottobeaninfernalnuisance。Everytimewehadanelectionthecandidateshadtogoaroundandseethepurchasablemembers。Thepricepervotewaspaidindoughnuts,anditdependedsomewhatontheappetitesoftheindividualsastothepriceofthevotes。
Thisthingranalonguntilsomeofus,thereallyverybestboysintheorganization,decidedthatthesecorruptpracticesmuststop,andforthepurposeofstoppingthemweorganizedathirdparty。Wehadaname,butwewereneverknownbythatname。Thosewhodidn'tlikeuscalledustheAnti—Doughnutparty,butwedidn'tmindthat。
Wesaid:"Calluswhatyouplease;thenamedoesn'tmatter。Weareorganizedforaprinciple。"By—and—bytheelectioncamearound,andwemadeabigmistake。Weweretriumphantlybeaten。Thattaughtusalesson。Thenandtherewedecidedneveragaintonominateanybodyforanything。Wedecidedsimplytoforcetheothertwopartiesinthesocietytonominatetheirverybestmen。Althoughwewereorganizedforaprinciple,wedidn'tcaremuchaboutthat。
Principlesaren'tofmuchaccountanyway,exceptatelection—time。
Afterthatyouhangthemuptoletthemseason。
Thenexttimewehadanelectionwetoldboththeotherpartiesthatwe'dbeatanycandidatesputupbyanyoneofthemofwhomwedidn'tapprove。Inthatelectionwedidbusiness。Wegotthemanwewanted。I
supposetheycalledustheAnti—Doughnutpartybecausetheycouldn'tbuyuswiththeirdoughnuts。Theydidn'thaveenoughofthem。Mostreformersarriveattheirpricesoonerorlater,andIsupposewewouldhavehadourprice;butouropponentsweren'tofferinganythingbutdoughnuts,andthosewespurned。
NowitseemstomethatanAnti—Doughnutpartyisjustwhatiswantedinthepresentemergency。IwouldhavetheAnti—DoughnutsfeltineverycityandhamletandschooldistrictinthisStateandintheUnitedStates。IwasanAnti—Doughnutinmyboyhood,andI'manAnti—Doughnutstill。ThemoderndesignationisMugwump。ThereusedtobequiteanumberofusMugwumps,butIthinkI'mtheonlyoneleft。Ihadavotethisfall,andIbegantomakesomeinquiriesastowhatIhadbetterdowithit。
Idon'tknowanythingaboutfinance,andIneverdid,butIknowsomeprettyshrewdfinanciers,andtheytoldmethatMr。Bryanwasn'tsafeonanyfinancialquestion。Isaidtomyself,then,thatitwouldn'tdoformetovoteforBryan,andIratherthought—Iknownow—thatMcKinleywasn'tjustrightonthisPhilippinequestion,andsoIjustdidn'tvoteforanybody。I'vegotthatvoteyet,andI'vekeptitclean,readytodepositatsomeotherelection。Itwasn'tcastforanywildcatfinancialtheories,anditwasn'tcasttosupportthemanwhosendsourboysasvolunteersoutintothePhilippinestogetshotdownunderapollutedflag。
MUNICIPALGOVERNMENT。
ADDRESSATTHEANNUALDINNEROFTHEST。NICHOLAS
SOCIETY,NEWYORK,DECEMBER6,1900。
DoctorMackay,inhisresponsetothetoast"St。Nicholas,"referredtoMr。Clemens,saying:"MarkTwainisastrueapreacheroftruerighteousnessasanybishop,priest,orministerofanychurchto—day,becausehemovesmentoforgettheirfaultsbycheerfulwell—doinginsteadofmakingthemsourandmorbidbyeverlastinglybendingtheirattentiontotheseamyandsobersideoflife。"
MR。CHAIRMANANDGENTLEMENOFTHEST。NICHOLASSOCIETY,—Theseare,indeed,prosperousdaysforme。Nightbeforelast,inaspeech,theBishopoftheDioceseofNewYorkcomplimentedmeformycontributiontotheology,andto—nighttheReverendDoctorMackayhaselectedmetotheministry。IthankedBishopPotterthenforhiscompliment,andIthankDoctorMackaynowforthatpromotion。I
thinkthatbothhavediscernedinmewhatIlongagodiscerned,butwhatIwasafraidtheworldwouldneverlearntorecognize。
InthisabsenceofnineyearsIfindagreatimprovementinthecityofNewYork。Iamgladtospeakonthatasatoast—"TheCityofNewYork。"SomesayithasimprovedbecauseIhavebeenaway。Others,andIagreewiththem,sayithasimprovedbecauseIhavecomeback。
Wemustjudgeofacity,asofaman,byitsexternalappearancesandbyitsinwardcharacter。Inexternalstheforeignercomingtotheseshoresismoreimpressedatfirstbyoursky—scrapers。Theyarenewtohim。HehasnotdoneanythingofthesortsincehebuiltthetowerofBabel。Theforeignerisshockedbythem。
Inthedaylighttheyareugly。Theyare—well,toochimneyfiedandtoosnaggy—likeamouththatneedsattentionfromadentist;likeacemeterythatisallmonumentsandnogravestones。Butatnight,seenfromtheriverwheretheyarecolumnstoweringagainstthesky,allsparklingwithlight,theyarefairylike;theyarebeautymoresatisfactorytothesoulandmoreenchantingthananythingthatmanhasdreamedofsincetheArabiannights。Wecan'talwayshavethebeautifulaspectofthings。Letusmakethemostofoursightsthatarebeautifulandlettheothersgo。WhenyourforeignermakesdisagreeablecommentsonNewYorkbydaylight,floathimdowntheriveratnight。
Whathasmadethesesky—scraperspossibleistheelevator。Thecigar—boxwhichtheEuropeancallsa"lift"needsbuttobecomparedwithourelevatorstobeappreciated。Theliftstopstoreflectbetweenfloors。Thatisallrightinahearse,butnotinelevators。
TheAmericanelevatoractsliketheman'spatentpurge—itworked。
Astheinventorsaid,"Thispurgedoesn'twasteanytimefoolingaround;itattendsstrictlytobusiness。"
ThatNew—Yorkershavethecleanest,quickest,andmostadmirablesystemofstreetrailwaysintheworldhasbeenforceduponyoubytheabnormalappreciationyouhaveofyourhackman。Weoughtalwaystobegratefultohimforthatservice。Nobodyelsewouldhavebroughtsuchasystemintoexistenceforus。Weoughttobuildhimamonument。
Weowehimoneasmuchasweoweonetoanybody。Letitbeatallone。
Nothingpermanent,ofcourse;builditofplaster,say。Thengazeatitandrealizehowgratefulweare—forthetimebeing—andthenpullitdownandthrowitontheash—heap。That'sthewaytohonoryourpublicheroes。
Astoourstreets,Ifindthemcleanerthantheyusedtobe。I
missthosedearoldlandmarks,thesymmetricalmountainrangesofdustanddirtthatusedtobepiledupalongthestreetsforthewindandraintoteardownattheirpleasure。Yes,NewYorkiscleanerthanBombay。IrealizethatIhavebeeninBombay,thatInowaminNewYork;thatitisnotmydutytoflatterBombay,butrathertoflatterNewYork。
ComparedwiththewretchedattemptsofLondontolightthatcity,NewYorkmayfairlybesaidtobeawell—lightedcity。Why,London'sattemptatgoodlightingisalmostasbadasLondon'sattemptatrapidtransit。ThereisjustonegoodsystemofrapidtransitinLondon—the"Tube,"andthat,ofcourse,hadbeenputinbyAmericans。Perhaps,afterawhile,thoseAmericanswillcomebackandgiveNewYorkalsoagoodundergroundsystem。Perhapstheyhavealreadybegun。IhavebeensobusysinceIcamebackthatIhaven'thadtimeasyettogodowncellar。
Butitisbythelawsofthecity,itisbythemannersofthecity,itisbytheidealsofthecity,itisbythecustomsofthecityandbythemunicipalgovernmentwhichalltheseelementscorrect,support,andfoster,bywhichtheforeignerjudgesthecity。ItisbythesethatherealizesthatNewYorkmay,indeed,holdherheadhighamongthecitiesoftheworld。Itisbythesestandardsthatheknowswhethertoclassthecityhigherorlowerthantheothermunicipalitiesoftheworld。
Gentlemen,youhavethebestmunicipalgovernmentintheworld—
thepurestandthemostfragrant。Theveryangelsenvyyou,andwishtheycouldestablishagovernmentlikeitinheaven。Yougotitbyanoblefidelitytocivicduty。Yougotitbysternandever—watchfulexertionofthegreatpowerswithwhichyouarechargedbytherightswhichwerehandeddowntoyoubyyourforefathers,byyourmanlyrefusaltoletbasemeninvadethehighplacesofyourgovernment,andbyinstantretaliationwhenanypublicofficerhasinsultedyouinthecity'snamebyswervingintheslightestfromtheuprightandfullperformanceofhisduty。Itisyouwhohavemadethiscitytheenvyofthecitiesoftheworld。Godwillblessyouforit—Godwillblessyouforit。Why,whenyouapproachthefinalresting—placetheangelsofheavenwillgatheratthegatesandcryout:
"Heretheycome！Showthemtothearchangel'sbox,andturnthelime—lightonthem！"
CHINAANDTHEPHILIPPINES。
ATADINNERGIVENINTHEWALDORF—ASTORIAHOTEL,DECEMBER,1900。
WinstonSpencerChurchillwasintroducedbyMr。ClemensFORyearsI'vebeenaself—appointedmissionarytobringabouttheunionofAmericaandthemotherland。Theyoughttobeunited。BeholdAmerica,therefugeoftheoppressedfromeverywhere（whocanpayfiftydollars'admission）—anyoneexceptaChinaman—standingupforhumanrightseverywhere,evenhelpingChinaletpeopleinfreewhenshewantstocollectfiftydollarsuponthem。AndhowunselfishlyEnglandhaswroughtfortheopendoorforall！AndhowpiouslyAmericahaswroughtforthatopendoorinallcaseswhereitwasnotherown！
Yes,asamissionaryI'vesungmysongsofpraise。AndyetIthinkthatEnglandsinnedwhenshegotherselfintoawarinSouthAfricawhichshecouldhaveavoided,justaswesinnedingettingintoasimilarwarinthePhilippines。Mr。Churchill,byhisfather,isanEnglishman;byhismotherheisanAmerican—nodoubtablendthatmakestheperfectman。EnglandandAmerica;yes,wearekin。Andnowthatwearealsokininsin,thereisnothingmoretobedesired。
Theharmonyiscomplete,theblendisperfect。
THEORETICALANDPRACTICALMORALS。
TheNewVagabondsClubofLondon,madeupoftheleadingyoungerliterarymenoftheday,gaveadinnerinhonorofMr。andMrs。
Clemens,July8,1899。
IThasalwaysbeendifficult—leavethatworddifficult—notexceedinglydifficult,butjustdifficult,nothingmorethanthat,nottheslightestshadetoaddtothat—justdifficult—torespondproperly,intherightphraseology,whencomplimentsarepaidtome;
butitismorethandifficultwhenthecomplimentsarepaidtoabetterthanI—mywife。
AndwhileIamnotheretotestifyagainstmyself—Ican'tbeexpectedtodoso,aprisonerinyourowncountryisnotadmittedtodoso—astowhichmemberofthefamilywrotemybooks,IcouldsayingeneralthatreallyIwrotethebooksmyself。Mywifeputsthefactsin,andtheymakeitrespectable。Mymodestywon'tsufferwhilecomplimentsarebeingpaidtoliterature,andthroughliteraturetomyfamily。Ican'tgetenoughofthem。
Iamcuriouslysituatedto—night。ItsorarelyhappensthatIamintroducedbyahumorist;Iamgenerallyintroducedbyapersonofgravewalkandcarriage。Thatmakestheproperbackgroundofgravityforbrightness。Iamgoingtoaltertosuit,andhaplyImaysaysomehumorousthings。
Whenyoustartwithablazeofsunshineandupburstofhumor,whenyoubeginwiththat,theproperofficeofhumoristoreflect,toputyouintothatpensivemoodofdeepthought,tomakeyouthinkofyoursins,ifyouwishhalfanhourtofly。Humormakesmereflectnowto—night,itsetsthethinkingmachineryinmotion。Always,whenI
amthinking,therecomesuggestionsofwhatIam,andwhatweallare,andwhatwearecomingto。AsermoncomesfrommylipsalwayswhenI
listentoahumorousspeech。
Iseizetheopportunitytothrowawayfrivolities,tosaysomethingtoplanttheseed,andmakeallbetterthanwhenIcame。
InMr。Grossmith'sremarkstherewasasubtlesomethingsuggestingmyfavoritetheoryofthedifferencebetweentheoreticalmoralsandpracticalmorals。Itrytoinstilpracticalmoralsintheplaceoftheatrical—Imeantheoretical;butasanaddendum—anannex—
somethingaddedtotheoreticalmorals。
Whenyourchairmansaiditwasthefirsttimehehadevertakenthechair,hedidnotmeanthathehadnottakenlotsofotherthings;
heattendedmyfirstlectureandtooknotes。Thisindicatedtheman'sdisposition。Therewasnothingelseflyinground,sohetooknotes;hewouldhavetakenanythinghecouldget。
Icanbringamoraltobearherewhichshowsthedifferencebetweentheoreticalmoralsandpracticalmorals。Theoreticalmoralsarethesortyougetonyourmother'sknee,ingoodbooks,andfromthepulpit。Yougathertheminyourhead,andnotinyourheart;
theyaretheorywithoutpractice。Withouttheassistanceofpracticetoperfectthem,itisdifficulttoteachachildto"behonest,don'tsteal。"
Iwillteachyouhowitshouldbedone,leadyouintotemptation,teachyouhowtosteal,sothatyoumayrecognizewhenyouhavestolenandfeeltheproperpangs。Itisnogoodgoingroundandbraggingyouhavenevertakenthechair。
Asbythefiresofexperience,sobycommissionofcrime,youlearnrealmorals。Commitallthecrimes,familiarizeyourselfwithallsins,taketheminrotation（thereareonlytwoorthreethousandofthem）,sticktoit,committwoorthreeeveryday,andby—and—byyouwillbeproofagainstthem。Whenyouarethroughyouwillbeproofagainstallsinsandmorallyperfect。Youwillbevaccinatedagainsteverypossiblecommissionofthem。Thisistheonlyway。
IwillreadyouawrittenstatementuponthesubjectthatIwrotethreeyearsagotoreadtotheSabbath—schools。[Herethelecturerturnedhispocketsout,butwithoutsuccess。]No！Ihaveleftitathome。Still,itwasamerestatementoffact,illustratingthevalueofpracticalmoralsproducedbythecommissionofcrime。
Itwasinmyboyhood—justastatementoffact,readingisonlymoreformal,merelyfacts,merelypatheticfacts,whichIcanstatesoastobeunderstood。ItrelatestothefirsttimeIeverstoleawatermelon;thatis,Ithinkitwasthefirsttime;anyway,itwasrightalongtheresomewhere。
Istoleitoutofafarmer'swagonwhilehewaswaitingonanothercustomer。"Stole"isaharshterm。Iwithdrew—Iretiredthatwatermelon。Icarriedittoasecludedcornerofalumber—yard。I
brokeitopen。Itwasgreen—thegreenestwatermelonraisedinthevalleythatyear。