Well,Icannotvoteforhim。Youseethat。Asitstandsnow,I
cannot。Iamcrippledinthatwayandtothatextent,forIwouldeversomuchliketodoit。IamnotaCongress,andIcannotdistributepensions,andIdon'tknowanyotherlegitimatewaytobuyavote。ButifIshouldthinkofanylegitimateway,Ishallmakeuseofit,andthenIshallvoteforMr。Jerome。
HENRYIRVING。
TheDramaticandLiterarySocietyofLondongaveawelcome—homedinnertoSirHenryIrvingattheSavoyHotel,London,June9,1900。
Inproposingthetoastof"TheDrama"Mr。Clemenssaid:
IFINDmytaskaveryeasyone。Ihavebeenadramatistforthirtyyears。IhavehadanambitioninallthattimetooverdotheworkoftheSpaniardwhosaidheleftbehindhimfourhundreddramaswhenhedied。Ileavebehindmefourhundredandfifteen,andamnotyetdead。
Thegreatestofalltheartsistowriteadrama。Itisamostdifficultthing。Itrequiresthehighesttalentpossibleandtherarestgifts。No,thereisanothertalentthatrankswithit—foranybodycanwriteadrama—Ihadfourhundredofthem—buttogetoneacceptedrequiresrealability。AndIhaveneverhadthatfelicityyet。
Buthumannatureissoconstructed,wearesopersistent,thatwhenweknowthatweareborntoathingwedonotcarewhattheworldthinksaboutit。Wegoonexploitingthattalentyearafteryear,asI
havedone。Ishallgoonwritingdramas,andsomedaytheimpossiblemayhappen,butIamnotlookingforit。
Inwritingplaysthechiefthingisnovelty。Theworldgrowstiredofsolidformsinallthearts。Istruckanewideamyselfyearsago。Iwasnotsurprisedatit。Iwasalwaysexpectingitwouldhappen。Apersonwhohassuffereddisappointmentformanyyearslosesconfidence,andIthoughtIhadbettermakeinquiriesbeforeI
exploitedmynewideaofdoingadramaintheformofadream,soI
wrotetoagreatauthorityonknowledgeofallkinds,andaskedhimwhetheritwasnew。
Icoulddependuponhim。HelivedinmydearhomeinAmerica—thatdearhome,dearertomethroughtaxes。Hesentmealistofplaysinwhichthatolddevicehadbeenused,andhesaidthattherewasalsoamodernlot。HetravelledbacktoChinaandtoaplaydatedtwothousandsixhundredyearsbeforetheChristianera。Hesaidhewouldfollowitupwithalistofthepreviousplaysofthekind,andinhisinnocencewouldhavecarriedthembacktotheFlood。
Thatisthemostdiscouragingthingthathaseverhappenedtomeinmydramaticcareer。Ihavedoneaworldofgoodinasilentandprivateway,andhavefurnishedSirHenryIrvingwithplaysandplaysandplays。Whathasheachievedthroughthatinfluence？Seewherehestandsnow—onthesummitofhisartintwoworlds—anditwasIwhoputhimthere—thatpartlyputhimthere。
Ineednotenlargeupontheinfluencethedramahasexerteduponcivilization。Ithasmadegoodmoralsentertaining。IamtobefollowedbyMr。Pinero。Iconceivethatwestandattheheadoftheprofession。HehasnotwrittenasmanyplaysasIhave,buthehashadthatGod—giventalent,whichIlack,ofworkingthemoffonthemanager。Icouplehisnamewiththistoast,andaddthehopethathisinfluencewillbesupportedinexercisinghismasterlyhandicraftinthatgreatgift,andthathewilllonglivetocontinuehisfinework。
DINNERTOHAMILTONW。MABIE。
ADDRESSDELIVEREDAPRIL29,1901。
InintroducingMr。Clemens,DoctorVanDykesaid:
"Thelongerthespeakinggoesonto—nightthemoreIwonderhowI
gotthisjob,andtheonlyexplanationIcangiveforitisthatitisthesamekindofcompensationforthenumberofarticlesIhavesenttoTheOutlook,toberejectedbyHamiltonW。Mabie。Thereisonemanhereto—nightthathasajobcutoutforhimthatnoneofyouwouldhavehad—amanwhosehumorhasputagirdleoflightaroundtheglobe,andwhosesenseofhumorhasbeenanexampleforallfivecontinents。Heisgoingtospeaktoyou。Gentlemen,youknowhimbestasMarkTwain。"
MR。CHAIRMANANDGENTLEMEN,—Thismanknowsnowhowitfeelstobethechiefguest,andifhehasenjoyeditheisthefirstmanIhaveeverseeninthatpositionthatdidenjoyit。AndIknow,byside—remarkswhichhemadetomebeforehisordealcameuponhim,thathewasfeelingassomeoftherestofushavefeltunderthesamecircumstances。Hewasafraidthathewouldnotdohimselfjustice;buthedid—tomysurprise。Itisamostseriousthingtobeachiefguestonanoccasionlikethis,anditisadmirable,itisfine。ItisagreatcomplimenttoamanthatheshallcomeoutofitsogloriouslyasMr。Mabiecameoutofitto—night—tomysurprise。Hediditwell。
HeappearstobeeditorofTheOutlook,andnotwithstandingthat,Ihaveeveryadmiration,becausewheneverythingissaidconcerningTheOutlook,afterallonemustadmitthatitisfrankinitsdelinquencies,thatitisoutspokeninitsdeparturesfromfact,thatitisvigorousinitsmistakencriticismsofmenlikeme。I
havelivedinthisworldalong,longtime,andIknowyoumustnotjudgeamanbytheeditorialsthatheputsinhispaper。Amanisalwaysbetterthanhisprintedopinions。Amanalwaysreservestohimselfontheinsideapurityandanhonestyandajusticethatareacredittohim,whereasthethingsthatheprintsarejustthereverse。
Ohyes,youmustnotjudgeamanbywhathewritesinhispaper。
Eveninanordinarysecularpaperamanmustobservesomecareaboutit;hemustbebetterthantheprincipleswhichheputsinprint。
AndthatisthecasewithMr。Mabie。Why,toseewhathewritesaboutmeandthemissionariesyouwouldthinkhedidnothaveanyprinciples。ButthatisMr。Mabieinhispubliccapacity。Mr。MabieinhisprivatecapacityisjustascleanamanasIam。
Inthisveryroom,amonthortwoago,somepeopleadmiredthatportrait;someadmiredthis,butthegreatmajorityfastenedonthat,andsaid,"Thereisaportraitthatisabeautifulpieceofart。"Whenthatportraitisahundredyearsolditwillsuggestwhatwerethemannersandcustomsinourtime。JustastheytalkaboutMr。Mabieto—night,inthatenthusiasticway,pointingoutthevariousvirtuesofthemanandthegraceofhisspirit,andallthat,sowasthatportraittalkedabout。Theywereenthusiastic,justaswemenhavebeenoverthecharacterandtheworkofMr。Mabie。Andwhentheywerethroughtheysaidthatportrait,fineasitis,thatwork,beautifulasitis,thatpieceofhumanityonthatcanvas,graciousandfineasitis,doesnotrisetothoseperfectionsthatexistinthemanhimself。Comeup,Mr。Alexander。[ThereferencewastoJamesW。Alexander,whohappenedtobesittingbeneaththeportraitofhimselfonthewall。]Now,Ishouldcomeupandshowmyself。Buthecannotdoit,hecannotdoit。Hewasbornthatway,hewasrearedinthatway。Lethismodestybeanexample,andIwishsomeofyouhadit,too。ButthatisjustwhatIhavebeensaying—thatportrait,fineasitis,isnotasfineasthemanitrepresents,andallthethingsthathavebeensaidaboutMr。Mabie,andcertainlytheyhavebeenverynoblywordedandbeautiful,stillfallshortoftherealMabie。
INTRODUCINGNYEANDRILEY。
JamesWhitcombRileyandEdgarWilsonNye（BillNye）weretogivereadingsinTremontTemple,Boston,November,1888。Mr。ClemenswasinducedtointroduceMessrs。RileyandNye。Hisappearanceontheplatformwasasurprisetotheaudience,andwhentheyrecognizedhimtherewasatremendousdemonstration。
IAMverygladindeedtointroducetheseyoungpeopletoyou,andatthesametimegetacquaintedwiththemmyself。Ihaveseenthemmorethanonceforamoment,buthavenothadtheprivilegeofknowingthempersonallyasintimatelyasIwantedto。Isawthemfirst,agreatmanyyearsago,whenMr。Barnumhadthem,andtheywerejustfreshfromSiam。Theligaturewastheirbestholdthen,theliteraturebecametheirbestholdlater,whenoneofthemcommittedanindiscretion,andtheyhadtocuttheoldbondtoaccommodatethesheriff。
InthatoldformertimethisonewasChang,thatonewasEng。Thesympathyexistingbetweenthetwowasmostextraordinary;itwassofine,sostrong,sosubtle,thatwhattheoneatetheotherdigested;whenoneslept,theothersnored;ifonesoldathing,theotherscoopedtheusufruct。Thisindependentandyetdependentactionwasobservableinallthedetailsoftheirdailylife—Imeanthisquaintandarbitrarydistributionoforiginatingcauseandresultingeffectbetweenthetwo—between,Imaysay,thisdynamoandtheotheralwaysmotor,or,inotherwords,thattheonewasalwaysthecreatingforce,theotheralwaystheutilizingforce;no,no,forwhileitistruethatwithincertainwell—definedzonesofactivitytheonewasalwaysdynamoandtheotheralwaysmotor,withincertainotherwell—definedzonesthesepositionsbecameexactlyreversed。
Forinstance,inmoralmattersMr。ChangRileywasalwaysdynamo,Mr。EngNyewasalwaysmotor;forwhileMr。ChangRileyhadahigh—infact,anabnormallyhighandfine—moralsense,hehadnomachinerytoworkitwith;whereas,Mr。EngNye,whohadn'tanymoralsenseatall,andhasn'tyet,wasequippedwithallthenecessaryplantforputtinganobledeedthrough,ifhecouldonlygettheinspirationonreasonabletermsoutside。
Inintellectualmatters,ontheotherhand,Mr。EngNyewasalwaysdynamo,Mr。ChangRileywasalwaysmotor;Mr。EngNyehadastatelyintellect,butcouldn'tmakeitgo;Mr。ChangRileyhadn't,butcould。
Thatistosay,thatwhileMr。ChangRileycouldn'tthinkthingshimself,hehadamarvellousnaturalgraceinsettingthemdownandweavingthemtogetherwhenhispalfurnishedtherawmaterial。
Thus,workingtogether,theymadeastrongteam;laboringtogether,theycoulddomiracles;butbreakthecircuit,andbothwereimpotent。Ithasremainedsotothisday:theymusttraveltogether,hoe,andplant,andplough,andreap,andselltheirpublictogether,orthere'snoresult。
Ihavemadethisexplanation,thisanalysis,thisvivisection,sotospeak,inorderthatyoumayenjoythesedelightfuladventurersunderstandingly。WhenMr。EngNye'sdeepandbroadandlimpidphilosophiesflowbyinfrontofyou,refreshingalltheregionsroundaboutwiththeirgraciousfloods,youwillrememberthatitisn'thiswater;it'stheotherman's,andheisonlyworkingthepump。
AndwhenMr。ChangRileyenchantsyourear,andsoothesyourspirit,andtouchesyourheartwiththesweetandgenuinemusicofhispoetry—
assweetandasgenuineasanythathisfriends,thebirdsandthebees,makeabouthisotherfriends,thewoodsandtheflowers—youwillremember,whileplacingjusticewherejusticeisdue,thatitisn'thismusic,buttheotherman's—heisonlyturningthecrank。
Ibeseechforthesevisitorsafairfield,asingle—minded,one—eyedumpire,andascorebulletinbarrenofgoose—eggsiftheyearnit—andIjudgetheywillandhopetheywill。Mr。JamesWhitcombChangRileywillnowgotothebat。
DINNERTOWHITELAWREID。
ADDRESSATTHEDINNERINHONOROFAMBASSADORREID,GIVENBYTHEPILGRIMS'CLUBOFNEWYORK
ONFEBRUARY19,1908。
IAMveryproudtorespondtothistoast,asitrecallstheproudestdayofmylife。ThedelightfulhospitalityshownmeatthetimeofmyvisittoOxfordIshallcherishuntilIdie。InthatlonganddistinguishedcareerofmineIvaluethatdegreeaboveallotherhonors。WhentheshiplandedeventhestevedoresgatheredontheshoreandgaveanEnglishcheer。Nothingcouldsurpassinmylifethepleasureofthosefourweeks。Noonecouldpassbymewithouttakingmyhand,eventhepolicemen。I'vebeeninalltheprincipalcapitalsofChristendominmylife,andhavealwaysbeenanobjectofinteresttopolicemen。Sometimestherewassuspicionintheireyes,butnotalways。Withtheirpuissanthandtheywouldholdupthecommerceoftheworldtoletmepass。
InoticedinthepapersthisafternoonadespatchfromWashington,sayingthatCongresswouldimmediatelypassabillrestoringtoourgoldcoinagethemotto"InGodWeTrust。"I'mgladofthat;I'mgladofthat。Iwastroubledwhenthatmottowasremoved。Sureenough,theprosperitiesofthewholenationwentdowninaheapwhenweceasedtotrustinGodinthatconspicuouslyadvertisedway。Iknewtherewouldbetrouble。AndifPierpontMorganhadn'tsteppedin—
BishopLawrencemaynowaddtohismessagetotheoldcountrythatwearenowtrustinginGodagain。SowecandischargeMr。Morganfromhisofficewithhonor。
Mr。Reidsaidanhourorsoagosomethingaboutmyruiningmyactivitieslastsummer。Theyarenotruined,theyarerenewed。Iamstrongernow—muchstronger。IsupposethatthespiritualupliftI
receivedincreasedmyphysicalpowermorethananythingIeverhadbefore。Iwasdancinglastnightat12。30o'clock。
Mr。ChoatehasmentionedMr。Reid'spredecessors。Mr。Choate'sheadisfullofhistory,andsomeofitistrue,too。Ienjoyedhearinghimtellaboutthelistofthemenwhohadtheplacebeforehedid。Hementionedalonglistofthosepredecessors,peopleIneverheardofbefore,andelectedfiveofthemtothePresidencybyhisownvote。I'mgladandproudtofindMr。Reidinthathighposition,becausehedidn'tlookitwhenIknewhimfortyyearsago。IwastalkingtoReidtheotherday,andheshowedmemyautographonanoldpapertwentyyearsold。Ididn'tknowIhadanautographtwentyyearsago。Nobodyeveraskedmeforit。
IrememberadinnerIhadlongagowithWhitelawReidandJohnHayatReid'sexpense。IhadanotherlastsummerwhenIwasinLondonattheembassythatChoateblackguardsso。I'dliketolivethere。
Somepeoplesaytheycouldn'tliveonthesalary,butIcouldliveonthesalaryandthenationtogether。Someofusdon'tappreciatewhatthiscountrycando。There'sJohnHay,Reid,Choate,andme。Thisistheonlycountryintheworldwhereyouth,talent,andenergycanreachsuchheights。Itshowswhatwecoulddowithoutmeans,andwhatpeoplecandowithtalentandenergywhentheyfinditinpeoplelikeus。
WhenIfirstcametoNewYorktheywereallstrugglingyoungmen,andIamgladtoseethattheyhavegotonintheworld。IknewJohnHaywhenIhadnowhitehairsinmyheadandmorehairthanReidhasnow。Thoseweredaysofjoyandhope。ReidandHaywereonthestaffoftheTribune。Iwentthereonceinthatoldbuilding,andIlookedallaround,andIfinallyfoundadoorajarandlookedin。Itwasn'tReidorHaythere,butitwasHoraceGreeley。ThosewereinthedayswhenHoraceGreeleywasaking。ThatwasthefirsttimeIeversawhimandthelast。
Iwasadmiringhimwhenhestoppedandseemedtorealizethattherewasafinepresencetheresomewhere。Hetriedtosmile,buthewasoutofsmiles。Helookedatmeamoment,andsaid:
"WhatinH—doyouwant？"
Hebeganwiththatword"H。"That'salongwordandaprofaneword。Idon'trememberwhatthewordwasnow,butIrecognizedthepowerofit。Ihadneverusedthatlanguagemyself,butatthatmomentIwasconverted。Ithasbeenagreatrefugeformeintimeoftrouble。
Ifamandoesn'tknowthatlanguagehecan'texpresshimselfonstrenuousoccasions。Whenyouhavethatwordatyourcommandlettroublecome。
ButlaterHayrose,andyouknowwhatsummitWhitelawReidhasreached,andyouseeme。Thosetwomenhaveregulatedtroublesofnationsandconferredpeaceuponmankind。Andinmyhumbleway,ofwhichIamquitevain,Iwastheprincipalmoralforceinallthosegreatinternationalmovements。ThesegreatmenillustratedwhatIsay。
Lookatusgreatpeople—weallcomefromthedregsofsociety。That'swhatcanbedoneinthiscountry。That'swhatthiscountrydoesforyou。
Choatehere—hehasn'tgotanythingtosay,buthesaysitjustthesame,andhecandoitsofelicitously,too。IsaidlongagohewasthehandsomestmanAmericaeverproduced。Maytheprogressofcivilizationalwaysrestonsuchdistinguishedmenasithasinthepast！
ROGERSANDRAILROADS。
ATABANQUETGIVENMR。H。H。ROGERSBYTHEBUSINESS
MENOFNORFOLK,VA。,CELEBRATINGTHEOPENING
OFTHEVIRGINIANRAILWAY,APRIL,3,1909。
Toastmaster:
"Ihaveoftenthoughtthatwhenthetimecomes,whichmustcometoallofus,whenwereachthatGreatWayintheGreatBeyond,andthequestionispropounded,'Whathaveyoudonetogainadmissionintothisgreatrealm？'iftheanswercouldbesincerelymade,'Ihavemademenlaugh,'itwouldbethesurestpassporttoawelcomeentrance。
Wehavehereto—nightonewhohasmademillionslaugh—nottheloudlaughterthatbespeaksthevacantmind,butthelaughofintelligentmirththathelpsthehumanheartandthehumanmind。Irefer,ofcourse,toDoctorClemens。IwasgoingtosayMarkTwain,hisliterarytitle,whichisahouseholdphraseinmorehomesthanthatofanyotherman,andyouknowhimbestbythatdearoldtitle。"
ITHANKyou,Mr。Toastmaster,forthecomplimentwhichyouhavepaidme,andIamsureIwouldratherhavemadepeoplelaughthancry,yetinmytimeIhavemadesomeofthemcry;andbeforeIstopentirelyIhopetomakesomemoreofthemcry。Ilikecompliments。I
dealinthemmyself。IhavelistenedwiththegreatestpleasuretothecomplimentswhichthechairmanhaspaidtoMr。Rogersandthatroadofhisto—night,andIhopesomeofthemaredeserved。
ItisnosmalldistinctiontoamanlikethattositherebeforeanintelligentcrowdlikethisandtobeclassedwithNapoleonandCaesar。Whydidn'thesaythatthiswastheproudestdayofhislife？NapoleonandCaesararedead,andtheycan'tbeheretodefendthemselves。ButI'mhere！
Thechairmansaid,andverytruly,thatthemostlastingthinginthehandsofmanaretheroadswhichCaesarbuilt,anditistruethathebuiltalotofthem;andtheyarethereyet。
Yes,CaesarbuiltalotofroadsinEngland,andyoucanfindthem。ButRogershasonlybuiltoneroad,andhehasn'tfinishedthatyet。Iliketohearmyoldfriendcomplimented,butIdon'tliketohearitoverdone。
Ididn'tgoaroundto—daywiththeotherstoseewhatheisdoing。I
willdothatinaquiettime,whenthereisnotanythinggoingon,andwhenIshallnotbecalledupontodeliverintemperatecomplimentsonarailroadinwhichIownnostock。
TheyproposedthatIgoalongwiththecommitteeandhelpinspectthatdumpdownyonder。Ididn'tgo。Isawthatdump。IsawthatthingwhenIwascominginonthesteamer,andIdidn'tgobecauseI
wasdiffident,sentimentallydiffident,aboutgoingandlookingatthatthingagain—thatgreat,long,bonything;itlookedjustlikeMr。Rogers'sfoot。
ThechairmansaysMr。Rogersisfullofpracticalwisdom,andheis。
Itisintimatedherethatheisaveryingeniousman,andheisaverycompetentfinancier。Maybeheisnow,butitwasnotalwaysso。Iknowlotsofprivatethingsinhislifewhichpeopledon'tknow,andIknowhowhestarted;anditwasnotaverygoodstart。Icouldhavedonebettermyself。ThefirsttimehecrossedtheAtlantichehadjustmadethefirstlittlestrikeinoil,andhewassoyounghedidnotliketoaskquestions。Hedidnotliketoappearignorant。Tothisdayhedon'tliketoappearignorant,buthecanlookasignorantasanybody。
Onboardtheshiptheywerebettingontherunoftheship,bettingacoupleofshillings,orhalfacrown,andtheyproposedthatthisyouthfromtheoilregionsshouldbetontherunoftheship。Hedidnotliketoaskwhatahalf—crownwas,andhedidn'tknow;butratherthanbeashamedofhimselfhedidbethalfacrownontherunoftheship,andinbedhecouldnotsleep。Hewonderedifhecouldaffordthatoutlayincasehelost。Hekeptwonderingoverit,andsaidtohimself:"Aking'scrownmustbeworth$20,000,sohalfacrownwouldcost$10,000。"Hecouldnotaffordtobetaway$10,000
ontherunoftheship,sohewentuptothestakeholderandgavehim$150tolethimoff。
IliketohearMr。Rogerscomplimented。Iamnotstingyincomplimentstohimmyself。Why,Ididitto—daywhenIsenthiswifeatelegramtocomforther。ThatisthekindofpersonIam。Iknewshewouldbeuneasyabouthim。Iknewshewouldbesolicitousaboutwhathemightdodownhere,soIdidittoquietherandtocomforther。
Isaidhewasdoingwellforapersonoutofpractice。Thereisnothinglikeit。HeislikeIusedtobe。ThereweretimeswhenI
wascareless—carelessinmydresswhenIgotolder。Youknowhowuncomfortableyourwifecangetwhenyouaregoingawaywithouthersuperintendence。Oncewhenmywifecouldnotgowithme（shealwayswentwithmewhenshecould—Ialwaysdidmeetthatkindofluck）,I
wasgoingtoWashingtononce,alongtimeago,inMr。Cleveland'sfirstadministration,andshecouldnotgo;but,inheranxietythatI
shouldnotdesecratethehouse,shemadepreparation。SheknewthattherewastobeareceptionofthoseauthorsattheWhiteHouseatseveno'clockintheevening。Shesaid,"IfIshouldtellyounowwhatIwanttoaskofyou,youwouldforgetitbeforeyougettoWashington,and,therefore,Ihavewrittenitonacard,andyouwillfinditinyourdress—vestpocketwhenyouaredressingattheArlington—whenyouaredressingtoseethePresident。"IneverthoughtofitagainuntilIwasdressing,andIfeltinthatpocketandtookitout,anditsaid,inakindofimploringway,"Don'twearyourarcticsintheWhiteHouse。"
YoucomplimentedMr。Rogersonhisenergy,hisforesightedness,complimentedhiminvariousways,andhehasdeservedthosecompliments,althoughIsayitmyself;andIenjoythemall。ThereisonesideofMr。Rogersthathasnotbeenmentioned。IfyouwillleavethattomeIwilltouchuponthat。TherewasanoteinaneditorialinoneoftheNorfolkpapersthismorningthattoucheduponthatverything,thathiddensideofMr。Rogers,whereitspokeofHelenKellerandheraffectionforMr。Rogers,towhomshededicatedherlifebook。Andshehasarighttofeelthatway,because,withoutthepublicknowinganythingaboutit,herescued,ifImayusethatterm,thatmarvellousgirl,thatwonderfulSoutherngirl,thatgirlwhowasstonedeaf,blind,anddumbfromscarlet—feverwhenshewasababyeighteenmonthsold;andwhonowisaswellandthoroughlyeducatedasanywomanonthisplanetattwenty—nineyearsofage。SheisthemostmarvellouspersonofhersexthathasexistedonthisearthsinceJoanofArc。
ThatisnotallMr。Rogershasdone;butyouneverseethatsideofhischaracter,becauseitisneverprotruding;buthelendsahelpinghanddailyoutofthatgenerousheartofhis。Youneverhearofit。Heissupposedtobeamoonwhichhasonesidedarkandtheotherbright。Buttheotherside,thoughyoudon'tseeit,isnotdark;itisbright,anditsrayspenetrate,andothersdoseeitwhoarenotGod。
IwouldtakethisopportunitytotellsomethingthatIhaveneverbeenallowedtotellbyMr。Rogers,eitherbymymouthorinprint,andifIdon'tlookathimIcantellitnow。
In1893,whenthepublishingcompanyofCharlesL。Webster,ofwhichIwasfinancialagent,failed,itleftmeheavilyindebt。Ifyouwillrememberwhatcommercewasatthattimeyouwillrecallthatyoucouldnotsellanything,andcouldnotbuyanything,andIwasonmyback;
mybookswerenotworthanythingatall,andIcouldnotgiveawaymycopyrights。Mr。Rogershadlongenoughvisionaheadtosay,"Yourbookshavesupportedyoubefore,andafterthepanicisovertheywillsupportyouagain,"andthatwasacorrectproposition。Hesavedmycopyrights,andsavedmefromfinancialruin。Heitwaswhoarrangedwithmycreditorstoallowmetoroamthefaceoftheearthforfouryearsandpersecutethenationsthereofwithlectures,promisingthatattheendoffouryearsIwouldpaydollarfordollar。Thatarrangementwasmade;otherwiseIwouldnowbelivingout—of—doorsunderanumbrella,andaborrowedoneatthat。
Youseehiswhitemustacheandhisheadtryingtogetwhite（heisalwaystryingtolooklikeme—Idon'tblamehimforthat）。Theseareonlyemblematicofhischaracter,andthatisall。Isay,withoutexception,hairandall,heisthewhitestmanIhaveeverknown。
THEOLD—FASHIONEDPRINTER。
ADDRESSATTHETYPOTHETAEDINNERGIVENATDELMONICO'S,JANUARY18,1886,COMMEMORATINGTHEBIRTHDAY
OFBENJAMINFRANKLIN。
Mr。Clemensrespondedtothetoast"TheCompositor。"
THEchairman'shistoricalreminiscencesofGutenberghavecausedmetofallintoreminiscences,forImyselfamsomethingofanantiquity。Allthingschangeintheprocessionofyears,anditmaybethatIamamongstrangers。Itmaybethattheprinterofto—dayisnottheprinterofthirty—fiveyearsago。Iwasnostrangertohim。Iknewhimwell。Ibuilthisfireforhiminthewintermornings;Ibroughthiswaterfromthevillagepump;Isweptouthisoffice;Ipickeduphistypefromunderhisstand;and,ifheweretheretosee,Iputthegoodtypeinhiscaseandthebrokenonesamongthe"hellmatter";andifhewasn'ttheretosee,Idumpeditallwiththe"pi"ontheimposing—stone—forthatwasthefurtivefashionofthecub,andIwasacub。IwetteddownthepaperSaturdays,IturneditSundays—forthiswasacountryweekly;Irolled,Iwashedtherollers,Iwashedtheforms,Ifoldedthepapers,IcarriedthemaroundatdawnThursdaymornings。Thecarrierwasthenanobjectofinteresttoallthedogsintown。IfIhadsavedupallthebitesIeverreceived,IcouldkeepM。Pasteurbusyforayear。Ienvelopedthepapersthatwereforthemail—wehadahundredtownsubscribersandthreehundredandfiftycountryones;thetownsubscriberspaidingroceriesandthecountryonesincabbagesandcord—wood—whentheypaidatall,whichwasmerelysometimes,andthenwealwaysstatedthefactinthepaper,andgavethemapuff;andifweforgotittheystoppedthepaper。Everymanonthetownlisthelpededitthething—thatis,hegaveordersastohowitwastobeedited;dictateditsopinions,markedoutitscourseforit,andeverytimethebossfailedtoconnecthestoppedhispaper。Wewerejustinfestedwithcritics,andwetriedtosatisfythemallover。Wehadonesubscriberwhopaidcash,andhewasmoretroublethanalltherest。Heboughtusonceayear,bodyandsoul,fortwodollars。Heusedtomodifyourpoliticseverywhichway,andhemadeuschangeourreligionfourtimesinfiveyears。Ifweevertriedtoreasonwithhim,hewouldthreatentostophispaper,and,ofcourse,thatmeantbankruptcyanddestruction。Thatmanusedtowritearticlesacolumnandahalflong,leadedlongprimer,andsignthem"Junius,"or"Veritas,"or"VoxPopuli,"orsomeotherhigh—soundingrot;andthen,afteritwassetup,hewouldcomeinandsayhehadchangedhismind—whichwasagildedfigureofspeech,becausehehadn'tany—andorderittobeleftout。Wecouldn'tafford"bogus"inthatoffice,sowealwaystooktheleadsout,alteredthesignature,creditedthearticletotherivalpaperinthenextvillage,andputitin。Well,wedidhaveoneortwokindsof"bogus。"
Whenevertherewasabarbecue,oracircus,orabaptizing,weknockedoffforhalfaday,andthentomakeupforshortmatterwewould"turnoverads"—turnoverthewholepageandduplicateit。Theother"bogus"wasdeepphilosophicalstuff,whichwejudgednobodyeverread;sowekeptagalleyofitstanding,andkeptonslappingthesameoldbatchesofitin,everynowandthen,tillitgotdangerous。Also,intheearlydaysofthetelegraphweusedtoeconomizeonthenews。Wepickedouttheitemsthatwerepointlessandbarrenofinformationandstoodthemonagalley,andchangedthedatesandlocalities,andusedthemoverandoveragaintillthepublicinterestinthemwasworntothebone。Wemarkedtheads,butweseldompaidanyattentiontothemarksafterward;sothelifeofa"td"adanda"tf"adwasequallyeternal。Ihaveseena"td"noticeofasheriffssalestillboomingserenelyalongtwoyearsafterthesalewasover,thesheriffdead,andthewholecircumstancebecomeancienthistory。Mostoftheyearlyadswerepatent—medicinestereotypes,andweusedtofencewiththem。
Icanseethatprinting—officeofprehistorictimesyet,withitshorsebillsonthewalls,its"d"boxescloggedwithtallow,becausewealwaysstoodthecandleinthe"k"boxnights,itstowel,whichwasnotconsideredsoileduntilitcouldstandalone,andothersignsandsymbolsthatmarkedtheestablishmentofthatkindintheMississippiValley;andIcansee,also,thetramping"jour,"whoflittedbyinthesummerandtarriedaday,withhiswalletstuffedwithoneshirtandahatfulofhandbills;forifhecouldn'tgetanytypetosethewoulddoatemperancelecture。Hiswayoflifewassimple,hisneedsnotcomplex;allhewantedwasplateandbedandmoneyenoughtogetdrunkon,andhewassatisfied。Butitmaybe,asIhavesaid,thatIamamongstrangers,andsingthegloriesofaforgottenagetounfamiliarears,soIwill"makeeven"andstop。
SOCIETYOFAMERICANAUTHORS。
OnNovember15,1900,thesocietygaveareceptiontoMr。Clemens,whocamewithhiswifeanddaughter。SomanymemberssurroundedthegueststhatMr。Clemensasked:"Isthisgenuinepopularityorisitallapartofaprearrangedprogramme？"
CHAIRMAN,LADIESANDGENTLEMEN,—Itseemsamostdifficultthingforanymantosayanythingaboutmethatisnotcomplimentary。Idon'tknowwhatthecharmisaboutmewhichmakesitimpossibleforapersontosayaharshthingaboutmeandsayitheartily,asifhewasgladtosayit。
IfthisthingkeepsonitwillmakemebelievethatIamwhatthesekindchairmensayofme。Inintroducingme,JudgeRansomspokeofmymodestyasifhewasenviousofme。Iwouldliketohaveonemancomeoutflat—footedandsaysomethingharshanddisparagingofme,evenifitweretrue。Ithoughtatonetime,asthelearnedjudgewasspeaking,thatIhadfoundthatman;buthewoundup,likealltheothers,bysayingcomplimentarythings。
Iamconstructedlikeeverybodyelse,andenjoyacomplimentaswellasanyotherfool,butIdoliketohavetheothersidepresented。Andthereisanotherside。Ihaveawickedside。EstimablefriendswhoknowallaboutitwouldtellyouandtakeacertaindelightintellingyouthingsthatIhavedone,andthingsfurtherthatIhavenotrepented。
ThereallifethatIlive,andthereallifethatIsupposeallofyoulive,isalifeofinteriorsin。Thatiswhatmakeslifevaluableandpleasant。Toleadalifeofundiscoveredsin！Thatistruejoy。
JudgeRansomseemstohaveallthevirtuesthatheascribestome。
But,ohmy！ifyoucouldthrowanX—raythroughhim。Weareapair。
Ihavemadealife—studyoftryingtoappeartobewhatheseemstothinkIam。EverybodybelievesthatIamamonumentofallthevirtues,butitisnothingofthesort。Iamlivingtwolives,anditkeepsmeprettybusy。
Somedaytherewillbeachairmanwhowillforgetsomeofthesemeritsofmine,andthenhewillmakeaspeech。
Ihavemorepersonalvanitythanmodesty,andtwiceasmuchveracityasthetwoputtogether。