TheymustnotclaimcreditinAmericaforwhatwasreallywritteninanotherformsolongago。TheymustonlyclaimthatItrimmedthis,that,andtheother,andsochangedtheirappearanceastomakethemseemtobeoriginal。YounowseewhatmodestyIhaveinstock。Butithastakenlongpracticetogetitthere。
ButImustnotstandheretalking。Imerelymeanttogetupandgivemythanksforthepleasantthingsthatprecedingspeakershavesaidofme。IwishalsotoextendmythankstotheAuthors'Clubforconstitutingmeamember,atareasonablepriceperyear,andforgivingmethebenefitofyourlegaladviser。
Ibelieveyoukeepalawyer。Ihavealwayskeptalawyer,too,thoughIhavenevermadeanythingoutofhim。Itisservicetoanauthortohavealawyer。Thereissomethingsodisagreeableinhavingapersonalcontactwithapublisher。Soitisbettertoworkthroughalawyer—andloseyourcase。Iunderstandthatthepublishershavebeenmeetingtogetheralsolikeus。Idon'tknowwhatfor,butpossiblytheyaredevisingnewandmysteriouswaysforremuneratingauthors。Ionlywishnowtothankyouforelectingmeamemberofthisclub—IbelieveIhavepaidmydues—andtothankyouagainforthepleasantthingsyouhavesaidofme。
LastFebruary,whenRudyardKiplingwasillinAmerica,thesympathywhichwaspouredouttohimwasgenuineandsincere,andIbelievethatwhichcostKiplingsomuchwillbringEnglandandAmericaclosertogether。Ihavebeenproudandpleasedtoseethisgrowingaffectionandrespectbetweenthetwocountries。Ihopeitwillcontinuetogrow,and,pleaseGod,itwillcontinuetogrow。Itrustweauthorswillleavetoposterity,ifwehavenothingelsetoleave,afriendshipbetweenEnglandandAmericathatwillcountformuch。IwillnowconfessthatIhavebeenengagedforthepasteightdaysincompilingapublication。Ihavebroughtitheretolayatyourfeet。Idonotaskyourindulgenceinpresentingit,butforyourapplause。
Hereitis:"SinceEnglandandAmericamaybejoinedtogetherinKipling,maytheynotbeseveredin'Twain。'"
BOOKSELLERS
BOOKSELLERS。
AddressatbanquetonWednesdayevening,May20,1908,oftheAmericanBooksellers'Association,whichincludedmostoftheleadingbooksellersofAmerica,heldattheroomsoftheAldineAssociation,NewYork。
THISannualgatheringofbooksellersfromalloverAmericacomestogetherostensiblytoeatanddrink,butreallytodiscussbusiness;thereforeIamrequiredtotalkshop。IamrequiredtofurnishastatementoftheindebtednessunderwhichIlietoyougentlemenforyourhelpinenablingwetoearnmyliving。ForsomethingoverfortyyearsIhaveacquiredmybreadbyprint,beginningwithTheInnocentsAbroad,followedatintervalsofayearorsobyRoughingIt,TomSawyer,GildedAge,andsoon。Forthirty—sixyearsmybooksweresoldbysubscription。Youarenotinterestedinthoseyears,butonlyinthefourwhichhavesincefollowed。Thebookspassedintothehandsofmypresentpublishersatthebeginningof1904,andyouthenbecametheprovidersofmydiet。IthinkImaysay,withoutflatteringyou,thatyouhavedoneexceedinglywellbyme。Exceedinglywellisnottoostrongaphrase,sincetheofficialstatisticsshowthatinfouryearsyouhavesoldtwiceasmanyvolumesofmyvenerablebooksasmycontractwithmypublishersboundyouandthemtosellinfiveyears。Toyoursorrowyouareawarethatfrequently,muchtoofrequently,whenabookgetstobefiveortenyearsolditsannualsaleshrinkstotwoorthreehundredcopies,andafteranaddedtenortwentyyearsceasestosell。
Butyousellthousandsofmymoss—backedoldbookseveryyear—theyoungestofthembeingbooksthatrangefromfifteentotwenty—sevenyearsold,andtheoldestreachingbacktothirty—fiveandforty。
Bythetermsofmycontractmypublishershadtoaccounttomefor50,000volumesperyearforfiveyears,andpaymeforthemwhethertheysoldthemornot。Itisatthispointthatyougentlemencomein,foritwasyourbusinesstounload250,000volumesuponthepublicinfiveyearsifyoupossiblycould。Haveyousucceeded？Yes,youhave—andmore。Forinfouryears,withayearstilltospare,youhavesoldthe250,000volumes,and240,000besides。
Yoursaleshaveincreasedeachyear。Inthefirstyearyousold90,328,inthesecondyear,104,851;inthethird,133,975;inthefourthyear—whichwaslastyear—yousold160,000。Theaggregateforthefouryearsis500,000volumeslacking11,000。
Oftheoldestbook,TheInnocentsAbroad,—nowfortyyearsold—
yousoldupwardof46,000copiesinthefouryears;ofRoughingIt—
nowthirty—eightyearsold,Ithink—yousold40,334;ofTomSawyer,41,000。Andsoon。
Andthereisonethingthatispeculiarlygratifyingtome:thePersonalRecollectionsofJoanofArcisaseriousbook;Iwroteitforlove,andneverexpectedittosell,butyouhavepleasantlydisappointedmeinthatmatter。Inyouthhandsitssalehasincreasedeachyear。In1904yousold1726copies;in1905,2445;in1906,5381;andlastyear,6574。
"MARKTWAIN'SFIRSTAPPEARANCE。"
OnOctober5,1906,Mr。Clemens,followingamusicalrecitalbyhisdaughterinNorfolk,Conn。,addressedheraudienceonthesubjectofstage—fright。Hethankedthepeopleformakingthingsaseasyaspossibleforhisdaughter'sAmericandebutasacontralto,andthentoldofhisfirstexperiencebeforethepublic。
MYheartgoesoutinsympathytoanyonewhoismakinghisfirstappearancebeforeanaudienceofhumanbeings。ByadirectprocessofmemoryIgobackfortyyears,lessonemonth—forI'molderthanIlook。
Irecalltheoccasionofmyfirstappearance。SanFranciscoknewmethenonlyasareporter,andIwastomakemybowtoSanFranciscoasalecturer。Iknewthatnothingshortofcompulsionwouldgetmetothetheatre。SoIboundmyselfbyahard—and—fastcontractsothatIcouldnotescape。Igottothetheatreforty—fiveminutesbeforethehoursetforthelecture。MykneeswereshakingsothatI
didn'tknowwhetherIcouldstandup。Ifthereisanawful,horriblemaladyintheworld,itisstage—fright—andsea—sickness。Theyareapair。Ihadstage—frightthenforthefirstandlasttime。Iwasonlyseasickonce,too。Itwasonalittleshiponwhichthereweretwohundredotherpassengers。I—was—sick。Iwassosickthattherewasn'tanyleftforthoseothertwohundredpassengers。
Itwasdarkandlonelybehindthescenesinthattheatre,andI
peekedthroughthelittlepeek—holestheyhaveintheatrecurtainsandlookedintothebigauditorium。Thatwasdarkandempty,too。
By—and—byitlightedup,andtheaudiencebegantoarrive。
Ihadgotanumberoffriendsofmine,stalwartmen,tosprinklethemselvesthroughtheaudiencearmedwithbigclubs。EverytimeI
saidanythingtheycouldpossiblyguessIintendedtobefunnytheyweretopoundthoseclubsonthefloor。Thentherewasakindladyinaboxupthere,alsoagoodfriendofmine,thewifeoftheGovernor。Shewastowatchmeintently,andwheneverIglancedtowardhershewasgoingtodeliveragubernatoriallaughthatwouldleadthewholeaudienceintoapplause。
AtlastIbegan。IhadthemanuscripttuckedunderaUnitedStatesflaginfrontofmewhereIcouldgetatitincaseofneed。ButI
managedtogetstartedwithoutit。Iwalkedupanddown—Iwasyounginthosedaysandneededtheexercise—andtalkedandtalked。
RightinthemiddleofthespeechIhadplacedagem。Ihadputinamoving,patheticpartwhichwastogetattheheartsandsoulsofmyhearers。WhenIdeliveredittheydidjustwhatIhopedandexpected。Theysatsilentandawed。Ihadtouchedthem。ThenI
happenedtoglanceupattheboxwheretheGovernor'swifewas—youknowwhathappened。
Well,afterthefirstagonizingfiveminutes,mystage—frightleftme,nevertoreturn。IknowifIwasgoingtobehangedIcouldgetupandmakeagoodshowing,andIintendto。ButIshallneverforgetmyfeelingsbeforetheagonyleftme,andIgotupheretothankyouforherforhelpingmydaughter,byyourkindness,tolivethroughherfirstappearance。AndIwanttothankyouforyourappreciationofhersinging,whichis,by—the—way,hereditary。
MORALSANDMEMORY。
Mr。ClemenswastheguestofhonoratareceptionheldatBarnardCollege（ColumbiaUniversity）,March7,1906,bytheBarnardUnion。
OneoftheyoungladiespresentedMr。Clemens,andthankedhimforhisamiabilityincomingtomakethemanaddress。Sheclosedwiththeexpressionofthegreatjoyitgaveherfellow—collegians,"becauseweallloveyou。"
IFanyoneherelovesme,shehasmysincerethanks。Nay,ifanyonehereissogoodastoloveme—why,I'llbeabrothertoher。Sheshallhavemysincere,warm,unsulliedaffection。WhenIwascomingupinthecarwiththeverykindyoungladywhowasdelegatedtoshowmetheway,sheaskedmewhatIwasgoingtotalkabout。AndIsaidIwasn'tsure。IsaidIhadsomeillustrations,andIwasgoingtobringthemin。IsaidIwascertaintogivethoseillustrations,butthatIhadn'tthefaintestnotionwhattheyweregoingtoillustrate。
Now,I'vebeenthinkingitoverinthisforestglade[indicatingthewoodsofArcadyonthescenesetting],andI'vedecidedtoworktheminwithsomethingaboutmoralsandthecapricesofmemory。Thatseemstometobeaprettygoodsubject。Yousee,everybodyhasamemoryandit'sprettysuretohavecaprices。And,ofcourse,everybodyhasmorals。
It'smyopinionthateveryoneIknowhasmorals,thoughI
wouldn'tliketoask。IknowIhave。ButI'dratherteachthemthanpracticethemanyday。"Givethemtoothers"—that'smymotto。Thenyouneverhaveanyuseforthemwhenyou'releftwithout。Now,speakingofthecapricesofmemoryingeneral,andofmineinparticular,it'sstrangetothinkofallthetricksthislittlementalprocessplaysonus。Herewe'reendowedwithafacultyofmindthatoughttobemoresupremelyserviceabletousthanthemall。Andwhathappens？Thismemoryofoursstoresupaperfectrecordofthemostuselessfactsandanecdotesandexperiences。Andallthethingsthatweoughttoknow—thatweneedtoknow—thatwe'dprofitbyknowing—
itcastsasidewiththecarelessindifferenceofagirlrefusinghertruelover。It'sterribletothinkofthisphenomenon。ItrembleinallmymemberswhenIconsiderallthereallyvaluablethingsthatI'veforgotteninseventyyears—whenImeditateuponthecapricesofmymemory。
There'sabirdoutinCaliforniathatisoneperfectsymbolofthehumanmemory。I'veforgottenthebird'sname（justbecauseitwouldbevaluableformetoknowit—torecallittoyourownminds,perhaps）。
Butthisfoolofacreaturegoesaroundcollectingthemostridiculousthingsyoucanimagineandstoringthemup。Heneverselectsathingthatcouldeverproveoftheslightesthelptohim;
buthegoesaboutgatheringironforks,andspoons,andtincans,andbrokenmouse—traps—allsortsofrubbishthatisdifficultforhimtocarryandyetbeanyusewhenhegetsit。Why,thatbirdwillgobyagoldwatchtobringbackoneofthosepatentcake—pans。
Now,mymindisjustlikethat,andmymindisn'tverydifferentfromyours—andsoourmindsarejustlikethatbird。Wepassbywhatwouldbeofinestimablevaluetous,andpackourmemorieswiththemosttrivialoddsandendsthatneverbyanychance,underanycircumstanceswhatsoever,couldbeoftheslightestusetoanyone。
Now,thingsthatIhaverememberedareconstantlypoppingintomyhead。AndIamrepeatedlystartledbythevividnesswithwhichtheyrecurtomeafterthelapseofyearsandtheirutteruselessnessinbeingrememberedatall。
Iwasthinkingoversomeonmywayuphere。TheyweretheillustrationsIspokeabouttotheyoungladyonthewayup。AndI'vecometotheconclusion,curiousthoughitis,thatIcanuseeveryoneofthesefreaksofmemorytoteachyouallalesson。I'mconvincedthateachonehasitsmoral。AndIthinkit'smydutytohandthemoralontoyou。
Now,IrecallthatwhenIwasaboyIwasagoodboy—Iwasaverygoodboy。Why,Iwasthebestboyinmyschool。IwasthebestboyinthatlittleMississippitownwhereIlived。Thepopulationwasonlyabouttwentymillion。Youmaynotbelieveit,butIwasthebestboyinthatState—andintheUnitedStates,forthatmatter。
ButIdon'tknowwhyIneverheardanyonesaythatbutmyself。I
alwaysrecognizedit。Buteventhosenearestanddearesttomecouldn'tseemtoseeit。Mymother,especially,seemedtothinktherewassomethingwrongwiththatestimate。Andshenevergotoverthatprejudice。
Now,whenmymothergottobeeighty—fiveyearsoldhermemoryfailedher。Sheforgotlittlethreadsthatholdlife'spatchesofmeaningtogether。ShewaslivingoutWestthen,andIwentontovisither。
Ihadn'tseenmymotherinayearorso。AndwhenIgottheresheknewmyface;knewIwasmarried;knewIhadafamily,andthatI
wasliving,withthem。Butshecouldn't,forthelifeofher,tellmynameorwhoIwas。SoItoldherIwasherboy。
"Butyoudon'tlivewithme,"shesaid。
"No,"saidI,"I'mlivinginRochester。"
"Whatareyoudoingthere？"
"Goingtoschool。"
"Largeschool？"
"Verylarge。"
"Allboys？"
"Allboys。"
"Andhowdoyoustand？"saidmymother。
"I'mthebestboyinthatschool,"Ianswered。
"Well,"saidmymother,withareturnofheroldfire,"I'dliketoknowwhattheotherboysarelike。"
Now,onepointinthisstoryisthefactthatmymother'smindwentbacktomyschooldays,andrememberedmylittleyouthfulself—prejudicewhenshe'dforgotteneverythingelseaboutme。
Theotherpointisthemoral。There'sonetherethatyouwillfindifyousearchforit。
Now,here'ssomethingelseIremember。It'saboutthefirsttimeI
everstoleawatermelon。"Stole"isastrongword。Stole？Stole？No,I
don'tmeanthat。ItwasthefirsttimeIeverwithdrewawatermelon。
ItwasthefirsttimeIeverextractedawatermelon。ThatisexactlythewordIwant—"extracted。"Itisdefinite。Itisprecise。Itperfectlyconveysmyidea。ItsuseindentistryconnotesthedelicateshadeofmeaningIamlookingfor。Youknowweneverextractourownteeth。
AnditwasnotmywatermelonthatIextracted。Iextractedthatwatermelonfromafarmer'swagonwhilehewasinsidenegotiatingwithanothercustomer。Icarriedthatwatermelontooneofthesecludedrecessesofthelumber—yard,andthereIbrokeitopen。
Itwasagreenwatermelon。
Well,doyouknowwhenIsawthatIbegantofeelsorry—sorry—
sorry。ItseemedtomethatIhaddonewrong。Ireflecteddeeply。I
reflectedthatIwasyoung—IthinkIwasjusteleven。ButIknewthatthoughimmatureIdidnotlackmoraladvancement。Iknewwhataboyoughttodowhohadextractedawatermelonlikethat。
IconsideredGeorgeWashington,andwhatactionhewouldhavetakenundersimilarcircumstances。ThenIknewtherewasjustonethingtomakemefeelrightinside,andthatwas—Restitution。
SoIsaidtomyself:"Iwilldothat。IwilltakethatgreenwatermelonbackwhereIgotitfrom。"AndtheminuteIhadsaiditI
feltthatgreatmoralupliftthatcomestoyouwhenyou'vemadeanobleresolution。
SoIgatheredupthebiggestfragments,andIcarriedthembacktothefarmer'swagon,andIrestoredthewatermelon—whatwasleftofit。AndImadehimgivemeagoodoneinplaceofit,too。
AndItoldhimheoughttobeashamedofhimselfgoingaroundworkingoffhisworthless,old,greenwatermelonsontrustingpurchaserswhohadtorelyonhim。Howcouldtheytellfromtheoutsidewhetherthemelonsweregoodornot？Thatwashisbusiness。
Andifhedidn'treform,ItoldhimI'dseethathedidn'tgetmymoreofmytrade—noranybodyelse'sIknew,ifIcouldhelpit。
Youknowthatmanwasascontriteasarevivalist'slastconvert。HesaidbewasallbrokenuptothinkI'dgottenagreenwatermelon。Hepromisedmehewouldnevercarryanothergreenwatermelonifhestarvedforit。Andhedroveoff—abetterman。
Now,doyouseewhatIdidforthatman？Hewasonadownwardpath,andIrescuedhim。ButallIgotoutofitwasawatermelon。
YetI'dratherhavethatmemory—justthatmemoryofthegoodI
didforthatdepravedfarmer—thanallthematerialgainyoucanthinkof。Lookatthelessonhegot！Inevergotanythinglikethatfromit。
ButIoughttobesatisfied。Iwasonlyelevenyearsold,butI
securedeverlastingbenefittootherpeople。
Themoralinthisisperfectlyclear,andIthinkthere'soneinthenextmemoryI'mgoingtotellyouabout。
Togobacktomychildhood,there'sanotherlittleincidentthatcomestomefromwhichyoucandrawevenanothermoral。It'saboutoneofthetimesIwentfishing。Yousee,inourhousetherewasasortoffamilyprejudiceagainstgoingfishingifyouhadn'tpermission。Butitwouldfrequentlybebadjudgmenttoask。SoIwentfishingsecretly,asitwere—wayuptheMississippi。Itwasanexquisitelyhappytrip,Irecall,withaverypleasantsensation。
Well,whileIwasawaytherewasatragedyinourtown。A
stranger,stoppingoveronhiswayEastfromCalifornia,wasstabbedtodeathinanunseemlybrawl。
Now,myfatherwasjusticeofthepeace,andbecausehewasjusticeofthepeacehewascoroner;andsincehewascoronerhewasalsoconstable;andbeingconstablehewassheriff;andoutofconsiderationforhisholdingtheofficeofsheriffhewaslikewisecountyclerkandadozenotherofficialsIdon'tthinkofjustthisminute。
Ithoughthehadpoweroflifeordeath;onlyhedidn'tuseitoverotherboys。Hewassortofanaustereman。SomehowIdidn'tlikebeingroundhimwhenI'ddoneanythinghedisapprovedof。Sothat'sthereasonIwasn'toftenaround。
Well,whenthisgentlemangotknifedtheycommunicatedwiththeproperauthority,thecoroner,andtheylaidthecorpseoutinthecoroner'soffice—ourfrontsitting—room—inpreparationfortheinquestthenextmorning。
About9or10o'clockIgotbackfromfishing。Itwasalittletoolateformetobereceivedbymyfolks,soItookmyshoesoffandslippednoiselesslyupthebackwaytothesitting—room。Iwasverytired,andIdidn'twishtodisturbmypeople。SoIgropedmywaytothesofaandlaydown。
Now,Ididn'tknowanythingofwhathadhappenedduringmyabsence。ButIwassortofnervousonmyownaccount—afraidofbeingcaught,andratherdubiousaboutthemorningaffair。AndIhadbeenlyingthereafewmomentswhenmyeyesgraduallygotusedtothedarkness,andIbecameawareofsomethingontheothersideoftheroom。
Itwassomethingforeigntotheapartment。Ithadanuncannyappearance。AndIsatuplookingveryhard,andwonderingwhatinheaventhislong,formless,vicious—lookingthingmightbe。
FirstIthoughtI'dgoandsee。ThenIthought,"Nevermindthat。"
Mindyou,Ihadnocowardlysensationswhatever,butitdidn'tseemexactlyprudenttoinvestigate。ButIsomehowcouldn'tkeepmyeyesoffthething。AndthemoreIlookedatitthemoredisagreeablyitgrewonme。ButIwasresolvedtoplaytheman。SoI
decidedtoturnoverandcountahundred,andletthepatchofmoonlightcreepupandshowmewhatthedickensitwas。
Well,Iturnedoverandtriedtocount,butIcouldn'tkeepmymindonit。Ikeptthinkingofthatgrewsomemass。Iwaslosingcountallthetime,andgoingbackandbeginningoveragain。Ohno;
Iwasn'tfrightened—justannoyed。ButbythetimeI'dgottentothecenturymarkIturnedcautiouslyoverandopenedmyeyeswithgreatfortitude。
Themoonlightrevealedtomeamarble—whitehumanhand。Well,maybeIwasn'tembarrassed！Butthenthatchangedtoacreepyfeelingagain,andIthoughtI'dtrythecountingagain。Idon'tknowhowmanyhoursorweeksitwasthatIlaytherecountinghard。
Butthemoonlightcreptupthatwhitearm,anditshowedmealeadfaceandaterriblewoundovertheheart。
IcouldscarcelysaythatIwasterror—strickenoranythinglikethat。ButsomehowhiseyesinterestedmesothatIwentrightoutofthewindow。Ididn'tneedthesash。Butitseemedeasiertotakeitthanleaveitbehind。
Now,letthatteachyoualesson—Idon'tknowjustwhatitis。
ButatseventyyearsoldIfindthatmemoryofpeculiarvaluetome。I
havebeenunconsciouslyguidedbyitalltheseyears。Thingsthatseemedpigeon—holedandremoteareaperpetualinfluence。Yes,you'retaughtinsomanyways。Andyou'resofelicitouslytaughtwhenyoudon'tknowit。
Here'ssomethingelsethattaughtmeagooddeal。
WhenIwasseventeenIwasverybashful,andasixteen—year—oldgirlcametostayaweekwithus。Shewasapeach,andIwasseizedwithahappinessnotofthisworld。
Oneeveningmymothersuggestedthat,toentertainher,ItakeI
takehertothetheatre。Ididn'treallyliketo,becauseIwasseventeenandsensitiveaboutappearinginthestreetsWithagirl。
Icouldn'tseemywaytoenjoyingmydelightinpublic。Butwewent。
Ididn'tfeelveryhappy。Icouldn'tseemtokeepmymindontheplay。Ibecameunconsciousafterawhile,thatthatwasduelesstomylovelycompanythanmyboots。Theyweresweettolookupon,assmoothasskin,butfittedtentimesasclose。IgotoblivioustotheplayandthegirlandtheotherpeopleandeverythingbutmybootsuntilIhitchedonepartlyoff。Thesensationwassensuouslyperfect。Icouldn'thelpit。Ihadtogettheotheroff,partly。
ThenIwasobligedtogetthemoffaltogether,exceptthatIkeptmyfeetinthelegssotheycouldn'tgetaway。
FromthattimeIenjoyedtheplay。ButthefirstthingIknewthecurtaincamedown,likethat,withoutmynotice,andIhadn'tanybootson。Ituggedstrenuously。AndthepeopleinourrowgotupandfussedandsaidthingsuntilthepeachandIsimplyhadtomoveon。
Wemoved—thegirlononearmandthebootsundertheother。
Wewalkedhomethatway,sixteenblocks,witharetinueamilelong。
Everytimewepassedalamp—postdeathgrippedmeatthethroat。Butwegothome—andIhadonwhitesocks。
IfIlivetobeninehundredandninety—nineyearsoldIdon'tsupposeIcouldeverforgetthatwalk。IrememberitaboutaskeenlyasthechagrinIsufferedonanotheroccasion。
Atonetimeinourdomestichistorywehadacoloredbutlerwhohadafailing。Hecouldneverremembertoaskpeoplewhocametothedoortostatetheirbusiness。SoIusedtobufferagoodmanycallsunnecessarily。
OnemorningwhenIwasespeciallybusyhebroughtmeacardengravedWithanameIdidnotknow。SoIsaid,"Whatdoeshewishtoseemefor？"andSylvestersaid,"Ahcouldn'taskhim,sah;hewuzagenlmun。""Returninstantly,"Ithundered,"andinquirehismission。
Askhimwhat'shisgame。"Well,Sylvesterreturnedwiththeannouncementthathehadlightning—rodstosell。"Indeed,"saidI,"thingsarecomingtoafinepasswhenlightning—rodagentssendupengravedcards。""Hehaspictures,"addedSylvester。"Pictures,indeed！Hemaybepeddlingetchings。HasheaRussialeathercase？"
ButSylvesterwastoofrightenedtoremember。Isaid,"Iamgoingdowntomakeithotforthatupstart！"
Iwentdownthestairs,workingupmytemperalltheway。WhenIgottotheparlorIwasinafinefrenzyconcealedbeneathaveneeroffrigidcourtesy。AndwhenIlookedinthedoor,sureenoughhehadaRussialeathercaseinhishand。ButIdidn'thappentonoticethatitwasourRussialeathercase。
Andifyou'dbelieveme,thatmanwassittingwithawholegalleryofetchingsspreadoutbeforehim。ButIdidn'thappentonoticethattheywereouretchings,spreadoutbysomememberofmyfamilyforsomeunguessedpurpose。
VerycurtlyIaskedthegentlemanhisbusiness。Withasurprised,timidmannerhefalteredthathehadmetmywifeanddaughteratOnteora,andtheyhadaskedhimtocall。Finelie,Ithought,andI
frozehim。
Heseemedtobekindofnonplussed,andsattherefingeringtheetchingsinthecaseuntilItoldhimheneedn'tbother,becausewehadthose。Thatpleasedhimsomuchthatheleanedover,inanembarrassedway,topickupanotherfromthefloor。ButIstoppedhim。
Isaid,"We'vegotthat,too。"Heseemedpitifullyamazed,butIwascongratulatingmyselfonmygreatsuccess。
FinallythegentlemanaskedwhereMr。Wintonlived;he'dmethiminthemountains,too。SoIsaidI'dshowhimgladly。AndIdidonthespot。AndwhenhewasgoneIfeltqueer,becausetherewereallhisetchingsspreadoutonthefloor。
Well,mywifecameinandaskedmewhohadbeenin。Ishowedherthecard,andtoldherallexultantly。Tomydismayshenearlyfainted。
Shetoldmehehadbeenamostkindfriendtotheminthecountry,andhadforgottentotellmethathewasexpectedourway。Andshepushedmeoutofthedoor,andcommandedmetogetovertotheWintonsinahurryandgethimback。
Icameintothedrawing—room,whereMrs。Wintonwassittingupverystiffinachair,beatingmeatmyowngame。Well,Ibegantoputanotherlightonthings。BeforemanysecondsMrs。Wintonsawitwastimetochangehertemperature。InfiveminutesIhadaskedthemantoluncheon,andshetodinner,andsoon。
Wemadethatfellowchangehistripandstayaweek,andwegavehimthetimeofhislife。Why,Idon'tbelievewelethimgetsoberthewholetime。
ItrustthatyouwillcarryawaysomegoodthoughtfromtheselessonsIhavegivenyou,andthatthememoryofthemwillinspireyoutohigherthings,andelevateyoutoplansfarabovetheold—and—
and—
AndItellyouonething,youngladies:I'vehadabettertimewithyouto—daythanwiththatpeachfifty—threeyearsago。
QUEENVICTORIA。
ADDRESSTOTHEBRITISHSCHOOLSANDUNIVERSITIESCLUB
ATDELMONICO'S,MONDAY,MAY25,1908,INHONOROF
QUEENVICTORIA'SBIRTHDAY。
Mr。Clemenstoldthestoryofhisduelwitharivaleditor:howhepractisedfiringatabarndoorandfailedtohitit;butafriendofhistookofftheheadofalittlebirdatthirty—fiveyardsandattributedtheshottoMarkTwain。Thedueldidnottakeplace。Mr。
Clemenscontinuedasfollows:
ITalsohappenedthatIwasthemeansofstoppingtheduellinginNevada,foralawwaspassedsendingallduelliststojailfortwoyears,andthegovernor,hearingofmymarksmanship,saidthatifhegotmeIshouldgotoprisonforthefullterm。That'swhyIleftNevada,andIhavenotbeentheresince。
Youdomeahighhonor,indeed,inselectingmetospeakofmycountryinthiscommemorationofthebirthdayofthatnobleladywhoselifewasconsecratedtothevirtuesandthehumanitiesandtothepromotionofloftyideals,andwasamodeluponwhichmanyahumblerlifewasformedandmadebeautifulwhileshelived,anduponwhichmanysuchliveswillstillbeformedinthegenerationsthataretocome—lifewhichfindsitsjustimageinthestarwhichfallsoutofitsplaceintheskyandoutofexistence,butwhoselightstillstreamswithunfadedlustreacrosstheabyssesofspacelongafteritsfireshavebeenextinguishedattheirsource。
AsawomantheQueenwasallthatthemostexactingstandardscouldrequire。Asafar—reachingandeffectivebeneficentmoralforceshehadnopeerinhertimeamongeithermonarchsorcommoners。Asamonarchshewaswithoutreproachinhergreatoffice。Wemaynotventure,perhaps,tosaysosweepingathingasthisincoldbloodaboutanymonarchthatprecededheruponeitherherownthroneoruponanyother。Itisacolossaleulogy,butitisjustified。