Toteachhimpatience，teachhimtact，Howpromptlyinafixtoact，Heshouldadopt，inpointoffact，Amanager’sprofession。
　　Tothatconditionheshouldstoop（Despiteatoofondmother），Witheightorten"stars"inhistroupe，Alljealousofeachother！
　　Oh，themanwhocanruleatheatricalcrew，Eachmemberagenius（andsomeofthemtwo），Andmanagetohumourthem，littleandgreat，Cangovernatuppenny—ha’pennyState！
　　BothAandBrehearsalslight—
　　Theysaythey’llbe"allrightatnight"
　　（They’vebothtogotoschoolyet）;
　　CineachactMUSTchangeherdress，DWILLattemptto"squarethepress";
　　Ewon’tplayRomeounlessHisgrandmotherplaysJuliet;
　　Fclaimsallhoydensasherrights（She’splayedthemthirtyseasons）;
　　AndGmustshowherselfintightsFortwoconvincingreasons—
　　Twoverywell—shapedreasons！
　　Oh，themanwhocandriveatheatricalteam，Withwheelersandleadersinordersupreme，Cangovernandrule，withawaveofhisfin，AllEuropeandAsia—withIrelandthrownin！
　　Ballad:OutOfSortsWhenyoufindyou’reabroken—downcritter，Whoisallofatrimmleandtwitter，Withyourpalateunpleasantlybitter，Asifyou’djustbittenapill—
　　Whenyourlegsareasthinasdividers，Andyou’replaguedwithunrulyinsiders，Andyourspineisallcreepywithspiders，Andyou’rehighlygambogeinthegill—
　　Whenyou’vegotabeehiveinyourhead，Andasewingmachineineachear，Andyoufeelthatyou’veeatenyourbed，Andyou’vegotabadheadacheDOWNHERE—
　　Whensuchfactsareabout，AndthesesymptomsyoufindInyourbodyorcrown—
　　Well，it’stimetolookout，YoumaymakeupyourmindYouhadbetterliedown！
　　Whenyourlipsareallsmeary—liketallow，Andyourtongueisdecidedlyyallow，WithapintofwarmoilinyourswAllow，Andapoundoftin—tacksinyourchest—
　　Whenyou’redowninthemouthwiththevapours，AndalloveryournewMorrispapersBlack—beetlesarecuttingtheircapers，Andcrawlythingsneveratrest—
　　Whenyoudoubtifyourheadisyourown，Andyoujumpwhenanopendoorslams—
　　Thenyou’vegottoastatewhichisknownTothemedicalworldas"jim—jams。"
　　IfsuchsymptomsyoufindInyourbodyorhead，They’renoteasytoquell—
　　YoumaymakeupyourmindYouarebetterinbed，Foryou’renotatallwell！
　　Ballad:HowIt’sDoneBold—facedranger（Perfectstranger）
　　Meetstwowell—behavedyoungladiesHe’sattractive，Youngandactive—
　　Eachalittlebitafraidis。
　　Youthadvances，AthisglancesTotheirdangertheyawaken;
　　TheyrepelhimAstheytellhimHeisverymuchmistaken。
　　Thoughtheyspeaktohimpolitely，Pleaseobservethey’resneeringslightly，Justtoshowhe’sactingvainly。
　　ThisisVirtuesayingplainly，"Goaway，youngbachelor，Wearenotwhatyoutakeusfor！"
　　（Whenaddressedimpertinently，Englishladiesanswergently，"Goaway，youngbachelor，Wearenotwhatyoutakeusfor！"）
　　Ashegazes，Hatheraises，Entersintoconversation。
　　Makesexcuses—
　　ThisproducesInterestingagitation。
　　He，withdaring，Undespairing，Giveshiscard—hisrankdiscloses—
　　LittleheedingThisproceeding，Theyturnuptheirlittlenoses。
　　Prayobservethislessonvital—
　　WhenamanofrankandtitleHispositionfirstdiscloses，Alwayscockyourlittlenoses。
　　Whenathome，letalltheclassTrythisinthelooking—glass。
　　（Englishgirlsofwell—brednotionsShunallunrehearsedemotions，EnglishgirlsofhighestclassPractisethembeforetheglass。）
　　HisintentionsThenhementions，Somethingdefinitetogoon—
　　MakesrecitalsOfhistitles，Hintsatsettlements，andsoon。
　　Smilingsweetly，They，discreetly，Askforfurtherevidences:
　　Thusinvited，He，delighted，Givestheusualreferences。
　　Thisisbusiness。EachisflutteredWhentheoffer’sfairlyuttered。
　　"Whichofthemhashisaffection？"
　　Hedeclinestomakeselection。
　　Dotheyquarrelforhisdross？
　　Notabitofit—theytoss！
　　Pleaseobservethiscogentmoral—
　　Englishladiesneverquarrel。
　　Whenadoubttheycomeacross，Englishladiesalwaystoss。
　　Ballad:AClassicalRevivalAttheoutsetImaymentionit’smysovereignintentionTorevivetheclassicmemoriesofAthensatitsbest，Formycompanypossessesallthenecessarydresses，Andacourseofquietcrammingwillsupplyuswiththerest。
　　We’veachoirhyporchematic（thatis，ballet—operatic）
　　WhorespondtotheCHOREUTAEofthatcultivatedage，Andourcleverchorus—master，allbutcaptiouscriticaster，WouldacceptastheCHOREGUSoftheearlyAtticstage。
　　Thisreturntoclassicagesisconsideredintheirwages，Whicharealwayscalculatedbythedayorbytheweek—
　　AndI’llpay’em（ifthey’llbackme）allinOBOLOIandDRACHMAE，Whichthey’llget（iftheypreferit）attheKalendsthatareGreek！
　　（AtthisjunctureImaymentionThatthiseruditionshamIsbutclassicalpretension，Theresultofsteady"cram。":
　　Periphrasticmethodsspurning，TomyreadersalldiscerningIadmitthisshowoflearningIsthefruitofsteadycram。"！）
　　IntheperiodSocraticeverydining—roomwasAttic（Whichsuggestsanarchitectureofatopsy—turvykind），Therethey’dsatisfytheirtwistonaRECHERCHEcold[Greektextwhichcannotbereproduced]，Whichiswhattheycalledtheirlunch—andsomayyou，ifyou’reinclined。
　　Astheygraduallygoton，they’d[Greektextwhichcannotbereproduced]
　　（WhichisAtticforasteadyandaconscientiousdrink）。
　　Buttheymixedtheirwinewithwater—whichI’msuretheydidn’toughter—
　　AndweAnglo—Saxonsknowatrickworthtwoofthat，Ithink！
　　Thencameratherriskydances（undercertaincircumstances）
　　Whichwouldshockthatworthygentleman，theLicenserofPlays，CorybantianmaniACkick—DionysiacorBacchic—
　　AndtheDithyrambicrevelsofthoseindecorousdays。
　　（AndperhapsI’dbettermentionLestalarmingyouIam，Thatitisn’tourintentionToperformaDithyramb—
　　Itdisplaysalotofstocking，Whichisalwaysveryshocking，AndofcourseI’monlymockingAttheprevalenceof"cram。"）
　　Yes，onreconsideration，therearecustomsofthatnationWhicharenotinstrictaccordancewiththehabitsofourday，AndwhenIcometocodify，theirrulesImeantomodify，OrMrs。Grundy，p’r’aps，mayhaveawordortwotosay:
　　Fortheyhadn’tmacintoshesorumbrellasorgoloshes—
　　Andashowerwiththeirdressesmusthaveplayedtheverydeuce，Anditmusthavebeenunpleasingwhentheycaughtafitofsneezing，For，itseems，ofpocket—handkerchiefstheydidn’tknowtheuse。
　　Theyworelittleunderclothing—scarcelyanything—orno—thing—
　　AndtheirdressofCoansilkwasquitetransparentindesign—
　　Well，infact，insummerweather，somethinglikethe"altogether。"
　　Andit’sTHERE，Iratherfancy，Ishallhavetodrawtheline！
　　（AndagainIwishtomentionThatthiseruditionshamIsbutclassicalpretension，Theresultofsteady"cram。"
　　Yetmyclassicloveaggressive，Ifyou’llpardonthepossessive，IsexceedinglyimpressiveWhenyou’repassinganexam。）
　　Ballad:ThePracticalJokerOhwhatafundofjoyjocundlieshidinharmlesshoaxes！
　　WhatkeenenjoymentspringsFromcheapandsimplethings！
　　Whatdeepdelightfromsourcestriteinventivehumourcoaxes，ThatpainandtroublebrewForeveryonebutyou！
　　GunpowderplacedinsideitswaistimprovesamildHavanah，ItsunexpectedflashBurnseyebrowsandmoustache;
　　Whenpeopledinenokindofwinebeatsipecacuanha，ButcommonsensesuggestsYoukeepitforyourguests—
　　Thennaughtannoystheorganboyslikethrowingred—hotcoppers，AndmuchamusementbidesIncommonbutter—slides。
　　Andstringysnaresacrossthestairscauseunexpectedcroppers。
　　Coalscuttles，recollect，Producethesameeffect。
　　AmanpossessedOfcommonsenseNeednotinvestAtgreatexpense—
　　ItdoesnotcallForpocketdeep，ThesejokesareallExtremelycheap。
　　Ifyoucommencewitheighteenpence（it’sallyou’llhavetopay），Youmaycommandapleasantandamostinstructiveday。
　　Agoodspringgunbreedsendlessfun，andmakesmenjumplikerockets，Andturnip—headsonpostsMakeverydecentghosts:
　　Thenhornetsstinglikeanything，whenplacedinwaist—coatpockets—
　　BurntcorkandwalnutjuiceArenotwithouttheiruse。
　　Nofuncompareswitheasychairswhoseseatsarestuffedwithneedles—
　　LiveshrimpstheirpatiencetaxWhenputdownpeople’sbacks—
　　Surprising，too，whatonecandowithfiftyfatblackbeedles—
　　AndtreacleonachairWillmakeaQuakerswear！
　　ThensharptintacksAndpocketsquirts—
　　Andcobblers’waxForladies’skirts—
　　AndslimyslugsOnbedroomfloors—
　　AndwaterjugsOnopendoors—
　　Preparedwiththesecheapproperties，amusingtrickstoplay，Uponafriendamanmayspendamostdelightfulday！
　　Ballad:TheNationalAnthemAmonarchispesteredwithcares，Though，nodoubt，hecanoftentrepanthem;
　　Butonecomesinashapehecanneverescape—
　　TheimplacableNationalAnthem！
　　Thoughforquietandresthemayyearn，Itpursueshimateveryturn—
　　NochanceofforsakingItsROCOCOnumbers;
　　Theyhaunthimwhenwaking—
　　Theypoisonhisslumbers—
　　LiketheBanburyLady，whomeveryoneknows，He’scursedwithitsmusicwhereverhegoes！
　　Thoughitswordsbutimperfectlyrhyme，Andthedevilhimselfcouldn’tscanthem;
　　WithcomposurepoliteheenduresdayandnightThatilliterateNationalAnthem！
　　Itservesagoodpurpose，Iown:
　　Itsstrainsaredevoutandimpressive—
　　Itsheart—stirringnotesraisealumpinourthroatsAsweburnwithdevotionexcessive:
　　ButtheKing，who’sbeenboredbythatsongFromhiscradle—eachday—alldaylong—
　　Who’shearditloud—shoutedBythroatsoperatic，AndloyallyspoutedBycourtiersemphatic—
　　Bysoldier—bysailor—bydrumandbyfife—
　　Smallblameifhethinksittheplagueofhislife！
　　Whilehissubjectssingloudlyandlong，TheirKing—whowouldwillinglybanthem—
　　Sits，worrydisguising，anathematisingThatBogie，theNationalAnthem！
　　Ballad:HerTermsMyweddedlifeMusteverypleasurebringOnscaleextensive！
　　IfI’myourwifeImusthaveeverythingThat’smostexpensive—
　　Alady’s—maid—
　　（MyhairalonetodoIamnotable）—
　　AndI’mafraidI’vebeenaccustomedtoAfirst—ratetable。
　　Thesethingsonemustconsiderwhenonemarries—
　　AndeverythingIwearmustcomefromParis！
　　Oh，thinkofthat！
　　Oh，thinkofthat！
　　Ican’twearanythingthat’snotfromParis！
　　FromtoptotoesQuiteFrenchifiedIam，Ifyouexamine。
　　Andthen—whoknows？—
　　Perhapssomedayafam—
　　Perhapsafamine！
　　Myargument’scorrect，ifyouexamine，Whatshouldwedo，ifthereshouldcomeaf—famine！
　　ThoughingreenpeaYourselfyouneedn’tstintInJulysunny，InJanuareeItreallycostsamint—
　　Amintofmoney！
　　Nolambforus—
　　HouselambatChristmassellsAtpriceshandsome:
　　Asparagus，Inwinter，parallelsAMonarch’sransom:
　　Whenpursetobreadandbutterbarelyreaches，Whatisyourwifetodoforhot—housepeaches？
　　Ah！tellmethat！
　　Ah！tellmethat！
　　WhatISyourwifetodoforhot—housepeaches？
　　YourheartandhandThoughatmyfeetyoulay，Allothersscorning！
　　Asmattersstand，There’snothingnowtosayExcept—goodmorning！
　　Thoughvirtuebeahusband’sbestadorning，Thatwon’tpayratesandtaxes—so，goodmorning！
　　Ballad:TheIndependentBeeAhiveofbees，asI’veheardsay，SaidtotheirQueenonesultryday，"PleaseyourMajesty’shighposition，Thehiveisfullandtheweatheriswarm，Weratherthink，withaduesubmission，Thetimehascomewhenweoughttoswarm。"
　　Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
　　UpspaketheirQueenandthusspakeshe—
　　"Thisisamatterthatrestswithme，Whodaresopinionsthustoform？
　　I’LLtellyouwhenitistimetoswarm！"
　　Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
　　HerMajestyworeanangryfrown，Infact，herMajesty’sfootwasdown—
　　HerMajestysulked—declinedtosup—
　　Inshort，herMajesty’sbackwasup。
　　Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
　　Herfootwasdownandherbackwasup！
　　Thathivecontainedoneobstinatebee（HisnamewasPeter），andthusspakehe—
　　"Thougheverybeehasshownwhitefeather，TobowtotyrannyI’mnotprone—
　　Whyshouldahiveswarmalltogether？
　　Surelyabeecanswarmalone？"
　　Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
　　Upsidedownandinsideout，Backwards，forwards，roundabout，Twirlinghereandtwistingthere，Topsyturvilyeverywhere—
　　Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
　　PitifulsightitwastoseeRespectableelderlyhigh—classbee，Whokickedthebeamatsixteenstone，Tryinghisbesttoswarmalone！
　　Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
　　Tryinghisbesttoswarmalone！
　　Thehivewereshockedtoseetheirchum（Astrictteetotaller）teetotum—
　　TheQueenexclaimed，"Howterrible，very！
　　It’sperfectlycleartoallthethrongPeter’sbeenattheoldbrownsherry。
　　Oldbrownsherryismuchtoostrong—
　　Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
　　Ofallwhothusthemselvesdegrade，Asternexamplemustbemade，ToCoventrygo，youtipsybee！"
　　SoofftoCoventrytownwenthe。
　　Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
　　There，classedwithallwhomisbehave，Bothplausiblerogueandnoisomeknave，IndismaldumpshelivedtoownThefollyoftryingtoswarmalone！
　　Buzz，buzz，buzz，buzz。
　　Allcameoftryingtoswarmalone。
　　Ballad:TheDisconcertedTenorAtenor，allsingersabove（Thisdoesn’tadmitofaquestion），Shouldkeephimselfquiet，Attendtohisdiet，Andcarefullynursehisdigestion。
　　Butwhenheismadlyinlove，It’scertaintotellonhissinging—
　　Youcan’tdochromaticsWithproperemphaticsWhenanguishyourbosomiswringing！
　　Whendistractedwithworriesinplenty，Andhispulseisahundredandtwenty，Andhisflutteringbosomtheslaveofmistrustis，Atenorcan’tdohimselfjustice。
　　Nowobserve—（SINGSAHIGHNOTE）—
　　Yousee，Ican’tdomyselfjustice！
　　Icouldsing，ifmyfervourweremock，It’seasyenoughifyou’reacting，Butwhenone’semotionIsbornofdevotion，Youmustn’tbeover—exacting。
　　OneoughttobefirmasarockToventureashakeinVIBRATO;
　　Whenfervour’sexpected，Keepcoolandcollected，OrneverattemptAGITATO。
　　But，ofcourse，whenhistongueisofleather，Andhislipsappearpastedtogether，Andhissensitivepalateasdryasacrustis，Atenorcan’tdohimselfjustice。
　　Nowobserve—（SINGSACADENCE）—
　　It’snouse—Ican’tdomyselfjustice！
　　Ballad:ThePlayed—OutHumoristQuixoticishisenterprise，andhopelesshisadventureis，Whoseeksforjocularitiesthathaven’tyetbeensaid。
　　Theworldhasjokedincessantlyforoverfiftycenturies，Andeveryjokethat’spossiblehaslongagobeenmade。
　　Istartedasahumoristwithlotsofmentalfizziness，Buthumourisadrugwhichit’sthefashiontoabuse;
　　Formystock—in—trade，myfixtures，andthegoodwillofthebusinessNoreasonableofferIamlikelytorefuse。
　　AndifanybodychooseHemaycirculatethenewsThatnoreasonableofferI’mlikelytorefuse。
　　Ohhappywasthathumorist—thefirstthatmadeapunatall—
　　Whowhenajokeoccurredtohim，howeverpoorandmean，Wasabsolutelycertainthatitneverhadbeendoneatall—
　　Howpopularatdinnersmustthathumoristhavebeen！
　　Ohthedayswhensomestepfatherforthequeryheldahandleout，Thedoor—matfromthescraper，isitdistantveryfar？
　　AndwhennooneknewwhereMoseswaswhenAaronblewthecandleout，Andnoonehaddiscoveredthatadoorcouldbea—jar！
　　ButyourmodernhearersareIntheirtastesparticular，Andtheysneerifyouinformthemthatadoorcanbea—jar！
　　Insearchofquipandquiddity，I’vesatallday，alone，apart—
　　AndallthatIcouldhitonasaproblemwas—tofindAnalogybetweenascragofmuttonandaBony—part，Whichoffersslightemploymenttothespeculativemind:
　　Foryoucannotcallitverygood，howevergreatyourcharity—
　　It’snotthesortofhumourthatisgreetedwithashout—
　　AndI’vecometotheconclusionthatmymineofjocularityInpresentAnnoDomini，isworkedcompletelyout！
　　Thoughthenotionyoumayscout，IcanprovebeyondadoubtThatmymineofjocularityisutterlyworkedout。