AFantasyinThreeActsBYJOHNGALSWORTHY
　　PERSONSOFTHEPLAY
　　CHRISTOPHERWELLWYN，anartistANN，hisdaughterGUINEVEREMEGAN，aflower—sellerRORYMEGAN，herhusbandFERRAND，analienTIMSON，onceacabmanEDWARDBERTLEY，aCanonALFREDCALWAY，aProfessorSIRTHOMASHOXTON，aJusticeofthePeaceAlsoapoliceconstable，threehumble—men，andsomecuriouspersonsTheactionpassesinWellwyn’sStudio，andthestreetoutside。
　　ACTI。ChristmasEve。
　　ACTII。NewYear’sDay。
　　ACTIII。TheFirstofApril。
　　ACTI
　　ItisthenightofChristmasEve，theSCENEisaStudio，flushwiththestreet，havingaskylightdarkenedbyafallofsnow。
　　Thereisnooneintheroom，thewallsofwhicharewhitewashed，aboveafloorofbaredarkboards。Afireischeerfullyburning。Onamodel’splatformstandsaneaselandcanvas。
　　Therearebustsandpictures;ascreen，alittlestool，twoarm。
　　chairs，andalongold—fashionedsettleunderthewindow。A
　　doorinonewallleadstothehouse，adoorintheoppositewalltothemodel’sdressing—room，andthestreetdoorisinthecentreofthewallbetween。OnalowtableaRussiansamovarishissing，andbesideitonatraystandsateapot，withglasses，lemon，sugar，andadecanterofrum。Throughahugeuncurtainedwindowclosetothestreetdoorthesnowylamplitstreetcanbeseen，andbeyondittheriverandanightofstars。
　　Thesoundofalatchkeyturnedinthelockofthestreetdoor，andANNWELLWYNenters，agirlofseventeen，withhairtiedinaribbonandcoveredbyascarf。Leavingthedooropen，sheturnsuptheelectriclightandgoestothefire。Shethrowsofherscarfandlongredcloak。Sheisdressedinahigheveningfrockofsomesoftwhitematerial。Hermovementsarequickandsubstantial。Herface，fullofnononsense，isdecidedandsincere，withdeep—seteyes，andacapable，well—shapedforehead。Shreddingofherglovesshewarmsherhands。
　　Inthedoorwayappearthefiguresoftwomen。Thefirstisrathershortandslight，withasoftshortbeard，brightsofteyes，andacrumplyface。Underhissquashhathishairisratherplentifulandrathergrey。Hewearsanoldbrownulsterandwoollengloves，andispuffingatahand—madecigarette。HeisANN’Sfather，WELLWYN，theartist。Hiscompanionisawell—wrappedclergymanofmediumheightandstoutishbuild，withapleasant，rosyface，rathershiningeyes，andratherchubbyclean—shapedlips;inappearance，indeed，agrown—upboy。HeistheVicaroftheparish——CANONBERTLEY。
　　BERTLEY。MydearWellwyn，thewholequestionofreformisfullofdifficulty。WhenyouhavetwomenlikeProfessorCalwayandSirThomasHoxtontakingdiametricallyoppositepointsofview，aswe’veseento—night，Iconfess，I
　　WELLWYN。Comein，Vicar，andhavesomegrog。
　　BERTLEY。Notto—night，thanks！Christmastomorrow！Greattemptation，though，thisroom！Goodnight，Wellwyn;good—night，Ann！
　　ANN。[Comingfromthefiretowardsthetea—table。]Good—night，CanonBertley。
　　[Hegoesout，andWELLWYN，shuttingthedoorafterhim，approachesthefire。
　　ANN。[Sittingonthelittlestool，withherbacktothefire，andmakingtea。]Daddy！
　　WELLWYN。Mydear？
　　ANN。YousayyoulikedProfessorCalway’slecture。Isitgoingtodoyouanygood，that’sthequestion？
　　WELLWYN。I——Ihopeso，Ann。
　　ANN。Itookyouonpurpose。Yourcharity’sgettingsimplyawful。
　　Thosetwothismorningclearedoutallmyhousekeepingmoney。
　　WELLWYN。Um！Um！Iquiteunderstandyourfeeling。
　　ANN。Theybothhadyourcard，soIcouldn’trefuse——didn’tknowwhatyou’dsaidtothem。Whydon’tyoumakeitarulenevertogiveyourcardtoanyoneexceptreallydecentpeople，and——picturedealers，ofcourse。
　　WELLWYN。Mydear，Ihave——often。
　　ANN。Thenwhydon’tyoukeepit？It’safrightfulhabit。Youarenaughty，Daddy。Oneofthesedaysyou’llgetyourselfintomostfearfulcomplications。
　　WELLWYN。Mydear，whenthey——whentheylookatyou？
　　ANN。Youknowthehousewantsallsortsofthings。Whydoyouspeaktothematall？
　　WELLWYN。Idon’t——theyspeaktome。
　　[Hetakesofhisulsterandhangsitoverthebackofanarm—chair。
　　ANN。Theyseeyoucoming。Anybodycanseeyoucoming，Daddy。
　　That’swhyyououghttobesocareful。Ishallmakeyouwearahardhat。Thosesquashyhatsofyoursarehopelesslyinefficient。
　　WELLWYN。[Gazingathishat。]Calwaywearsone。
　　ANN。AsifanyonewouldbegofProfessorCalway。
　　WELLWYN。Well—perhapsnot。Youknow，Ann，Iadmirethatfellow。
　　Wonderfulpowerof—of—theory！Howamancanbesoabsolutelytidyinhismind！It’smostexciting。
　　ANN。Hasanyonebeggedofyouto—day？
　　WELLWYN。[Doubtfully。]No——no。
　　ANN。[Afteralong，severelook。]Willyouhaveruminyourtea？
　　WELLWYN。[Crestfallen。]Yes，mydear——agooddeal。
　　ANN。[Pouringouttherum，andhandinghimtheglass。]Well，whowasit？
　　WELLWYN。Hedidn’tbegofme。[Losinghimselfinrecollection。]
　　Interestingoldcreature，Ann——realtype。Oldcabman。
　　ANN。Where？
　　WELLWYN。JustontheEmbankment。
　　ANN。Ofcourse！Daddy，youknowtheEmbankmentonesarealwaysrotters。
　　WELLWYN。Yes，mydear;butthiswasn’t。
　　ANN。Didyougivehimyourcard？
　　WELLWYN。I——I——don’tANN。Didyou，Daddy？
　　WELLWYN。I’mratherafraidImayhave！
　　ANN。Mayhave！It’ssimplyimmoral。
　　WELLWYN。Well，theoldfellowwassoawfullyhuman，Ann。Besides，I
　　didn’tgivehimanymoney——hadn’tgotany。
　　ANN。Lookhere，Daddy！Didyoueveraskanybodyforanything？Youknowyouneverdid，you’dstarvefirst。Sowouldanybodydecent。
　　Then，whywon’tyouseethatpeoplewhobegarerotters？
　　WELLWYN。But，mydear，we’renotallthesame。Theywouldn’tdoitifitwasn’tnaturaltothem。Onelikestobefriendly。What’stheuseofbeingaliveifoneisn’t？
　　ANN。Daddy，you’rehopeless。
　　WELLWYN。But，lookhere，Ann，thewholething’ssojollycomplicated。AccordingtoCalway，we’retogivetheStateallwecanspare，tomaketheundeservingdeserving。He’saProfessor;heoughttoknow。ButoldHoxton’salwaysdinningitintomethatweoughttosupportprivateorganisationsforhelpingthedeserving，anddamntheundeserving。Well，that’sjusttheopposite。Andhe’saJ。P。
　　Tremendousexperience。AndtheVicarseemstobeforalittlebitofboth。Well，whatthedevil？Mytroubleis，whicheverI’mwith，healwaysconvertsme。[Ruefully。]Andthere’snofuninanyofthem。
　　ANN。[Rising。]Oh！Daddy，youareso——don’tyouknowthatyou’rethedespairofallsocialreformers？[Sheenvelopshim。]There’satearintheleftkneeofyourtrousers。You’renottowearthemagain。
　　WELLWYN。AmIlikelyto？
　　ANN。Ishouldn’tbeabitsurprisedifitisn’tyouronlypair。
　　D’youknowwhatIliveinterrorof？
　　[WELLWYNgivesheraqueerandapprehensivelook。]
　　ANN。Thatyou’lltakethemoffsomeday，andgivethemawayinthestreet。Haveyougotanymoney？[Shefeelsinhiscoat，andhehistrousers——theyfindnothing。]Doyouknowthatyourpocketsareoneenormoushole？
　　WELLWYN。No！
　　ANN。Spiritually。
　　WELLWYN。Oh！Ah！H’m！
　　ANN。[Severely。]Now，lookhere，Daddy！[Shetakeshimbyhislapels。]Don’timaginethatitisn’tthemostdisgustingluxuryonyourparttogoongivingawaythingsasyoudo！Youknowwhatyoureallyare，Isuppose——asicklysentimentalist！
　　WELLWYN。[Breakingawayfromher，disturbed。]Itisn’tsentiment。
　　It’ssimplythattheyseemtomeso——so——jolly。IfI’mtogiveupfeelingsortof——niceinhere[hetoucheshischest]aboutpeople——itdoesn’tmatterwhotheyare——thenIdon’tknowwhatI’mtodo。
　　Ishallhavetositwithmyheadinabag。
　　ANN。Ithinkyououghtto。
　　WELLWYN。IsupposetheyseeIlikethem——thentheytellmethings。
　　Afterthat，ofcourseyoucan’thelpdoingwhatyoucan。
　　ANN。Well，ifyouwilllovethemup！
　　WELLWYN。Mydear，Idon’twantto。Itisn’tthemespecially——why，I
　　feelitevenwitholdCalwaysometimes。It’sonlyProvidencethathedoesn’twantanythingofme——excepttomakemelikehimself——confoundhim！
　　ANN。[Movingtowardsthedoorintothehouse——impressively。]Whatyoudon’tseeisthatotherpeoplearen’tabitlikeyou。
　　WELLWYN。Well，thankGod！
　　ANN。It’ssoold—fashionedtoo！I’mgoingtobed——Ijustleaveyoutoyourconscience。
　　WELLWYN。Oh！
　　ANN。[Openingthedoor—severely。]Good—night——[withacertainweakening]youold——Daddy！
　　[Shejumpsathim，giveshimahug，andgoesout。]
　　[WELLWYNstandsperfectlystill。Hefirstgazesupattheskylight，thendownatthefloor。Slowlyhebeginstoshakehishead，andmutter，ashemovestowardsthefire。
　　WELLWYN。Badlot……Lowtype——nobackbone，nostability！
　　[Therecomesaflutteringknockontheouterdoor。Asthesoundslowlyentershisconsciousness，hebeginstowince，asthoughheknew，butwouldnotadmititssignificance。Thenhesitsdown，coveringhisears。Theknockingdoesnotcease。WELLWYN
　　dropsfirstone，thenbothhands，rises，andbeginstosidletowardsthedoor。Theknockingbecomeslouder。
　　WELLWYN。Ahdear！Tt！Tt！Tt！
　　[AfteralookinthedirectionofANN’sdisappearance，heopensthestreetdooraverylittleway。Bythelightofthelamptherecanbeseenayounggirlindarkclothes，huddledinashawltowhichthesnowisclinging。Shehasonherarmabasketcoveredwithabitofsacking。
　　WELLWYN。Ican’t，youknow;it’simpossible。
　　[Thegirlsaysnothing，butlooksathimwithdarkeyes。]
　　WELLWYN。[Wincing。]Let’ssee——Idon’tknowyou——doI？
　　[Thegirl，speakinginasoft，hoarsevoice，withafaintaccentofreproach:"Mrs。Megan——yougivemethis———"Sheholdsoutadirtyvisitingcard。]
　　WELLWYN。[Recoilingfromthecard。]Oh！DidI？Ah！When？
　　MRS。MEGAN。You’adsomevi’letsoffofmelarstspring。Yougiveme’arfacrown。
　　[Asmiletriestovisitherface。]
　　WELLWYN。[Lookingstealthilyround。]Ah！Well，comein——justforaminute——it’sverycold——andtelluswhatitis。
　　[Shecomesinstolidly，aSphinx—likefigure，withherprettytragiclittleface。
　　WELLWYN。Idon’trememberyou。[Lookingcloser。]Yes，Ido。Only——
　　youweren’tthesame—wereyou？
　　MRS。MEGAN。[Dully。]Iseentroublesince。
　　WELLWYN。Trouble！Havesometea？
　　[Helooksanxiouslyatthedoorintothehouse，thengoesquicklytothetable，andpoursoutaglassoftea，puttingrumintoit。]
　　WELLWYN。[Handingherthetea。]Keepsthecoldout！Drinkitoff！
　　[MRS。MEGANdrinksitof，chokesalittle，andalmostimmediatelyseemstogetasizelarger。WELLWYNwatchesherwithhisheadheldononeside，andasmilebroadeningonhisface。]
　　WELLWYN。Cureforallevils，um？
　　MRS。MEGAN。Itwarmsyou。[Shesmiles。]
　　WELLWYN。[Smilingback，andcatchinghimselfout。]Well！Youknow，Ioughtn’t。
　　MRS。MEGAN。[Consciousofthedisruptionofhispersonality，andwithdrawingintohertragicabyss。]Iwouldn’t’acome，butyoutoldmeifIwantedan’and
　　WELLWYN。[Graduallylosinghimselfinhisownnature。]Letmesee——cornerofFlightStreet，wasn’tit？
　　MRS。MEGAN。[Withfainteagerness。]Yes，sir，an’Itoldyouaboutmevi’lets——itwasaluvlyspring—day。
　　WELLWYN。Beautiful！Beautiful！Birdssinging，andthetrees，&c。！
　　Wehadquiteatalk。Youhadababywithyou。
　　MRS。MEGAN。Yes。Igotmarriedsincethen。
　　WELLWYN。Oh！Ah！Yes！[Cheerfully。]Andhow’sthebaby？
　　MRS。MEGAN。[Turningtostone。]Ilosther。
　　WELLWYN。Oh！poor———Um！
　　MRS。MEGAN。[Impassive。]Yousaidsomethingabahtmakin’apictureofme。[Withfainteagerness。]SoIthoughtImightcome，incaseyou’dforgotten。
　　WELLWYN。[Lookingat，herintently。]Thingsgoingbadly？
　　MRS。MEGAN。[Strippingthesackingoffherbasket。]Ikeep’emcoveredup，butthecoldgetsto’em。Thruppence——that’sallI’vetook。
　　WELLWYN。Ho！Tt！Tt！[Helooksintothebasket。]Christmas，too！
　　MRS。MEGAN。They’redead。
　　WELLWYN。[Drawinginhisbreath。]Gotagoodhusband？
　　MRS。MEGAN。Heplayscards。
　　WELLWYN。Oh，Lord！Andwhatareyoudoingout——withacoldlikethat？[Hetapshischest。]
　　MRS。MEGAN。Wewassoldupthismorning——he’sgoneoffwith’ismates。Haven’ttookenoughyetforanight’slodgin’。
　　WELLWYN。[Correctingaspasmodicdiveintohispockets。]Butwhobuysflowersatthistimeofnight？
　　[MRS。MEGANlooksathim，andfaintlysmiles。]
　　WELLWYN。[Rumplinghishair。]Saintsaboveus！Here！Cometothefire！
　　[Shefollowshimtothefire。Heshutsthestreetdoor。]
　　WELLWYN。Areyourfeetwet？[Shenods。]Well，sitdownhere，andtakethemoff。That’sright。
　　[Shesitsonthestool。Andafteraslowlookupathim，whichhasinitadeeperknowledgethanbelongsofrighttoheryears，beginstakingoffhershoesandstockings。WELLWYNgoestothedoorintothehouse，opensit，andlistenswithasortofstealthycasualness。Hereturnswhistling，butnotoutloud。
　　Thegirlhasfinishedtakingoffherstockings，andturnedherbaretoestotheflames。Sheshufflesthembackunderherskirt。
　　WELLWYN。Howoldareyou，mychild？
　　MRS。MEGAN。Nineteen，comeCandlemas。
　　WELLWYN。Andwhat’syourname？
　　MRS。MEGAN。Guinevere。
　　WELLWYN。What？Welsh？
　　MRS。MEGAN。Yes——fromBattersea。
　　WELLWYN。Andyourhusband？
　　MRS。MEGAN。No。Irish，’eis。NottingDale，’ecomesfrom。
　　WELLWYN。RomanCatholic？
　　MRS。MEGAN。Yes。My’usband’sanatheistaswell。
　　WELLWYN。Isee。[Abstractedly。]Howjolly！Andhowoldishe——thisyoungmanofyours？
　　MRS。MEGAN。’E’llbetwentysoon。
　　WELLWYN。Babesinthewood！Doeshetreatyoubadly？
　　MRS。MEGAN。No。
　　WELLWYN。Nordrink？
　　MRS。MEGAN。No。He’snotabadone。Onlyhegetsplayin’
　　cardsthen’e’llflythekite。
　　WELLWYN。Isee。Andwhenhe’snotflyingit，whatdoeshedo？
　　MRS。MEGAN。[Touchingherbasket。]Sameasme。Otherjobstires’im。
　　WELLWYN。That’sverynice！[Hecheckshimself。]Well，whatamItodowithyou？
　　MRS。MEGAN。Ofcourse，Icouldgetmenight’slodgingifIliketodo——thesameassomeofthem。
　　WELLWYN。No！no！Never，mychild！Never！
　　MRS。MEGAN。It’seasythatway。
　　WELLWYN。Heavens！Butyourhusband！Um？
　　MRS。MEGAN。[Withstoicalvindictiveness。]He’safteroneIknowof。
　　WELLWYN。Tt！Whatapickle！
　　MRS。MEGAN。I’ll’avetowalkaboutthestreets。
　　WELLWYN。[Tohimself。]NowhowcanI？
　　[MRS。MEGANlooksupandsmilesathim，asifshehadalreadydiscoveredthatheispeculiar。]
　　WELLWYN。Yousee，thefactis，Imustn’tgiveyouanything——because——well，foronethingIhaven’tgotit。Thereareotherreasons，butthat’sthe——realone。But，now，there’salittleroomwheremymodelsdress。Iwonderifyoucouldsleepthere。Come，andsee。
　　[TheGirlgetsuplingeringly，lothtoleavethewarmth。Shetakesupherwetstockings。
　　MRS。MEGAN。ShallIputthemonagain？
　　WELLWYN。No，no;there’sanicewarmpairofslippers。[Seeingthesteamrisingfromher。]Why，you’rewetallover。Here，waitalittle！
　　[Hecrossestothedoorintothehouse，andafterstealthylistening，stepsthrough。TheGirl，likeacat，stealsbacktothewarmthofthefire。WELLWYNreturnswithacandle，acanary—colouredbathgown，andtwoblankets。]
　　WELLWYN。Nowthen！[Heprecedeshertowardsthedoorofthemodel’sroom。]Hsssh！[Heopensthedoorandholdsupthecandletoshowhertheroom。]Willitdo？There’sacouch。You’llfindsomewashingthings。Makeyourselfquiteathome。See！
　　[TheGirl，perfectlydumb，passesthroughwithherbasket——andhershoesandstockings。WELLWYNhandsherthecandle，blankets，andbathgown。
　　WELLWYN。Haveagoodsleep，child！Forgetthatyou’realive！
　　[Heclosesthedoor，mournfully。]Doneitagain！[Hegoestothetable，cutsalargesliceofcake，knocksonthedoor，andhandsitin。]Chow—chow！[Then，ashewalksaway，hesightstheoppositedoor。]Well——damnit，whatcouldIhavedone？Notafarthingonme！
　　[Hegoestothestreetdoortoshutit，butfirstopensitwidetoconfirmhimselfinhishospitality。]Nightlikethis！
　　[Asputterofsnowisblowninhisface。Avoicesays:
　　"Monsieur，pardon！"WELLWYNrecoilsspasmodically。Afiguremovesfromthelamp—posttothedoorway。Heisseentobeyoungandtohaveraggedclothes。Hespeaksagain:"Youdonotrememberme，Monsieur？MynameisFerrand——itwasinParis，intheChamps—Elysees——bythefountain……Whenyoucametothedoor，Monsieur——Iamnotmadeofiron……Tenez，hereisyourcardIhaveneverlostit。"HeholdsouttoWELLWYN
　　anoldanddirtywingcard。Asinchbyinchhehasadvancedintothedoorway，thelightfromwithinfallsonhim，atallgauntyoungpaganwithfairhairandreddishgoldenstubbleofbeard，alongironicalnosealittletooneside，andlarge，grey，ratherprominenteyes。Thereisacertaingraceinhisfigureandmovements;hisclothesarenearlydroppingoffhim。
　　WELLWYN。[Yieldingtoapleasantmemory。]Ah！yes。Bythefountain。Iwassittingthere，andyoucameandatearoll，anddrankthewater。
　　FERRAND。[Withfainteagerness。]Mybreakfast。Iwasinpoverty——
　　vereebadoff。Yougavemetenfrancs。IthoughtIhadalittletheright[WELLWYNmakesamovementofdisconcertion]seeingyousaidthatifIcametoEngland
　　WELLWYN。Um！Andsoyou’vecome？
　　FERRAND。ItwastimethatIconsolidatedmyfortunes，Monsieur。
　　WELLWYN。Andyou——have
　　[Hestopsembarrassed。FERRAND。[Shrugginghisraggedshoulders。]OneisnotyetRothschild。
　　WELLWYN。[Sympathetically。]No。[Yieldingtomemory。]Wetalkedphilosophy。
　　FERRAND。Ihavenotyetchangedmyopinion。Weothervagabonds，weareexploitedbythebourgeois。Thisisalwaysmyidea，Monsieur。
　　WELLWYN。Yes——notquitethegeneralview，perhaps！Well
　　[Heartily。]Comein！Verygladtoseeyouagain。
　　FERRAND。[Brushinghisarmsoverhiseyes。]Pardon，Monsieur——yourgoodness——Iamalittleweak。[Heopenshiscoat，andshowsabeltdrawnverytightoverhisraggedshirt。]Itightenhimoneholeforeachmeal，duringtwodaysnow。Thatgivesyoucourage。
　　WELLWYN。[Withcooingsounds，pouringouttea，andaddingrum。]Havesomeofthis。It’llbuckyouup。[Hewatchestheyoungmandrink。
　　FERRAND。[Becomingasizelarger。]SometimesIthinkthatIwillneversucceedtodominatemylife，Monsieur——thoughIhavenovices，exceptthatIguardalwaystheaspirationtoachievesuccess。ButI
　　willnotrollmyselfunderthemachineofexistencetogainanothingeveryday。Imustfindwithwhattoflyalittle。
　　WELLWYN。[Delicately。]Yes;yes——Iremember，youfounditdifficulttostaylonginanyparticular——yes。
　　FERRAND。[Proudly。]Inonelittlecorner？No——Monsieur——never！
　　Thatisnotinmycharacter。Imustseelife。
　　WELLWYN。Quite，quite！Havesomecake？
　　[Hecutscake。]
　　FERRAND。Inyourcountrytheysayyoucannoteatthecakeandhaveit。Butonemustalwaystry，Monsieur;onemustneverbecontent。