ButAmydidnotlaugh,forshewasinearnest,andtappingontheoutspreadhandwithherpencil,saidsoberly,"Aren’tyouashamedofahandlikethat?It’sassoftandwhiteasawoman’s,andlooksasifitneverdidanythingbutwearJouvin’sbestglovesandpickflowersforladies。Youarenotadandy,thankHeaven,soI’mgladtoseetherearenodiamondsorbigsealringsonit,onlythelittleoldoneJogaveyousolongago。Dearsoul,Iwishshewasheretohelpme!"
"SodoI!"
Thehandvanishedassuddenlyasitcame,andtherewasenergyenoughintheechoofherwishtosuitevenAmy。Sheglanceddownathimwithanewthoughtinhermind,buthewaslyingwithhishathalfoverhisface,asifforshade,andhismustachehidhismouth。Sheonlysawhischestriseandfall,withalongbreaththatmighthavebeenasigh,andthehandthatworetheringnestleddownintothegrass,asiftohidesomethingtoopreciousortootendertobespokenof。AllinaminutevarioushintsandtriflesassumedshapeandsignificanceinAmy’smind,andtoldherwhathersisterneverhadconfidedtoher。SherememberedthatLaurieneverspokevoluntarilyofJo,sherecalledtheshadowonhisfacejustnow,thechangeinhischaracter,andthewearingofthelittleoldringwhichwasnoornamenttoahandsomehand。Girlsarequicktoreadsuchsignsandfeeltheireloquence。Amyhadfanciedthatperhapsalovetroublewasatthebottomofthealteration,andnowshewassureofit。Herkeeneyesfilled,andwhenshespokeagain,itwasinavoicethatcouldbebeautifullysoftandkindwhenshechosetomakeitso。
"IknowIhavenorighttotalksotoyou,Laurie,andifyouweren’tthesweetest—temperedfellowintheworld,you’dbeveryangrywithme。Butweareallsofondandproudofyou,Icouldn’tbeartothinktheyshouldbedisappointedinyouathomeasIhavebeen,though,perhapstheywouldunderstandthechangebetterthanIdo。"
"Ithinktheywould,"camefromunderthehat,inagrimtone,quiteastouchingasabrokenone。
"Theyoughttohavetoldme,andnotletmegoblunderingandscolding,whenIshouldhavebeenmorekindandpatientthanever。IneverdidlikethatMissRandalandnowIhateher!"saidartfulAmy,wishingtobesureofherfactsthistime。
"HangMissRandal!"AndLaurieknockedthehatoffhisfacewithalookthatleftnodoubtofhissentimentstowardthatyounglady。
"Ibegpardon,Ithought……"Andthereshepauseddiplomatically。
"No,youdidn’t,youknewperfectlywellInevercaredforanyonebutJo,"Lauriesaidthatinhisold,impetuoustone,andturnedhisfaceawayashespoke。
"Ididthinkso,butastheyneversaidanythingaboutit,andyoucameaway,IsupposedIwasmistaken。AndJowouldn’tbekindtoyou?Why,Iwassureshelovedyoudearly。"
"Shewaskind,butnotintherightway,andit’sluckyforhershedidn’tloveme,ifI’mthegood—for—nothingfellowyouthinkme。It’sherfaultthough,andyoumaytellherso。"
Thehard,bitterlookcamebackagainashesaidthat,andittroubledAmy,forshedidnotknowwhatbalmtoapply。
"Iwaswrong,Ididn’tknow。I’mverysorryIwassocross,butIcan’thelpwishingyou’dbearitbetter,Teddy,dear。"
"Don’t,that’shernameforme!"AndLaurieputuphishandwithaquickgesturetostopthewordsspokeninJo’shalf—kind,half—reproachfultone。"Waittillyou’vetriedityourself,"headdedinalowvoice,ashepulledupthegrassbythehandful。
"I’dtakeitmanfully,andberespectedificouldn’tbeloved,"saidAmy,withthedecisionofonewhoknewnothingaboutit。
Now,Laurieflatteredhimselfthathehadborneitremarkablywell,makingnomoan,askingnosympathy,andtakinghistroubleawaytoliveitdownalone。Amy’slectureputtheMatterinanewlight,andforthefirsttimeitdidlookweakandselfishtoloseheartatthefirstfailure,andshuthimselfupinmoodyindifference。Hefeltasifsuddenlyshakenoutofapensivedreamandfounditimpossibletogotosleepagain。Presentlyhesatupandaskedslowly,"DoyouthinkJowoulddespisemeasyoudo?"
"Yes,ifshesawyounow。Shehateslazypeople。Whydon’tyoudosomethingsplendid,andmakeherloveyou?"
"Ididmybest,butitwasnouse。"
"Graduatingwell,youmean?Thatwasnomorethanyououghttohavedone,foryourgrandfather’ssake。Itwouldhavebeenshamefultofailafterspendingsomuchtimeandmoney,wheneveryoneknewthatyoucoulddowell。"
"Ididfail,saywhatyouwill,forJowouldn’tloveme,"
beganLaurie,leaninghisheadonhishandinadespondentattitude。
"No,youdidn’t,andyou’llsaysointheend,foritdidyougood,andprovedthatyoucoulddosomethingifyoutried。Ifyou’donlysetaboutanothertaskofsomesort,you’dsoonbeyourhearty,happyselfagain,andforgetyourtrouble。"
"That’simpossible。"
"Tryitandsee。Youneedn’tshrugyourshoulders,andthink,`Muchsheknowsaboutsuchthings’。Idon’tpretendtobewise,butIamobserving,andIseeagreatdealmorethanyou’dimagine。I’minterestedinotherpeople’sexperiencesandinconsistencies,andthoughIcan’texplain,Irememberandusethemformyownbenefit。LoveJoallyourdays,ifyouchoose,butdon’tletitspoilyou,forit’swickedtothrowawaysomanygoodgiftsbecauseyoucan’thavetheoneyouwant。There,Iwon’tlectureanymore,forIknowyou’llwakeupandbeamaninspiteofthathardheartedgirl。"
Neitherspokeforseveralminutes。Lauriesatturningthelittleringonhisfinger,andAmyputthelasttouchestothehastysketchshehadbeenworkingatwhileshetalked。Presentlysheputitonhisknee,merelysaying,"Howdoyoulikethat?"
Helookedandthenhesmiled,ashecouldnotwellhelpdoing,foritwascapitallydone,thelong,lazyfigureonthegrass,withlistlessface,half—shuteyes,andonehandholdingacigar,fromwhichcamethelittlewreathofsmokethatencircledthedreamer’shead。
"Howwellyoudraw!"hesaid,withagenuinesurpriseandpleasureatherskill,adding,withahalf—laugh,"Yes,that’sme。"
"Asyouare。Thisisasyouwere。"AndAmylaidanothersketchbesidetheoneheheld。
Itwasnotnearlysowelldone,buttherewasalifeandspiritinitwhichatonedformanyfaults,anditrecalledthepastsovividlythatasuddenchangesweptovertheyoungman’sfaceashelooked。OnlyaroughsketchofLaurietamingahorse。Hatandcoatwereoff,andeverylineoftheactivefigure,resoluteface,andcommandingattitudewasfullofenergyandmeaning。Thehandsomebrute,justsubdued,stoodarchinghisneckunderthetightlydrawnrein,withonefootimpatientlypawingtheground,andearsprickedupasiflisteningforthevoicethathadmasteredhim。Intheruffledmane。Therider’sbreezyhairanderectattitude,therewasasuggestionofsuddenlyarrestedmotion,ofstrength,courage,andyouthfulbuoyancythatcontrastedsharplywiththesupinegraceofthe`Dolcefarniente’sketch。Lauriesaidnothingbutashiseyewentfromonetotheother,Amysayhimflushupandfoldhislipstogetherasifhereadandacceptedthelittlelessonshehadgivenhim。Thatsatisfiedher,andwithoutwaitingforhimtospeak,shesaid,inhersprightlyway……
"Don’tyourememberthedayyouplayedRareywithPuck,andwealllookedon?MegandBethwerefrightened,butJoclappedandpranced,andIsatonthefenceanddrewyou。Ifoundthatsketchinmyportfoliotheotherday,toucheditup,andkeptittoshowyou。"
"Muchobliged。You’veimprovedimmenselysincethen,andIcongratulateyou。MayIventuretosuggestin`ahoneymoonparadise’thatfiveo’clockisthedinnerhouratyourhotel?"
Laurieroseashespoke,returnedthepictureswithasmileandabowandlookedathiswatch,asiftoremindherthatevenmorallecturesshouldhaveanend。Hetriedtoresumehisformereasy,indifferentair,butitwasanaffectationnow,fortherousinghadbeenmoreeffaciousthanhewouldconfess。Amyfelttheshadeofcoldnessinhismanner,andsaidtoherself……
"Now,I’veoffendedhim。Well,ifitdoeshimgood,I’mglad,ifitmakeshimhateme,I’msorry,butit’strue,andIcan’ttakebackawordofit。"
Theylaughedandchattedallthewayhome,andlittleBaptist,upbehind,thoughtthatmonsieurandmadamoisellewereincharmingspirits。Butbothfeltillatease。Thefriendlyfranknesswasdisturbed,thesunshinehadashadowoverit,anddespitetheirapparentgaiety,therewasasecretdiscontentintheheartofeach。
"Shallweseeyouthisevening,monfrére?"askedAmy,astheypartedatheraunt’sdoor。
"UnfortunatelyIhaveanengagement。Aurevoir,madamoiselle。"AndLauriebentasiftokissherhand,intheforeignfashion,whichbecamehimbetterthanmanymen。SomethinginhisfacemadeAmysayquicklyandwarmly……
"No,beyourselfwithme,Laurie,andpartinthegoodoldway。I’dratherhaveaheartyEnglishhandshakethanallthesentimentalsalutationsinFrance。"
"Goodbye,dear。"Andwiththesewords,utteredinthetonesheliked,Laurielefther,afterahandshakealmostpainfulinitsheartiness。
Nextmorning,insteadoftheusualcall,Amyreceivedanotewhichmadehersmileatthebeginningandsighattheend。MyDearMentor,Pleasemakemyadieuxtoyouraunt,andexultwithinyourself,for`LazyLaurence’hasgonetohisgrandpa,likethebestofboys。Apleasantwintertoyou,andmaythegodsgrantyouablissfulhoneymoonatValrosa!IthinkFredwouldbebenefitedbyarouser。Tellhimso,withmycongratulations。Yoursgratefully,Telemachus"Goodboy!I’mgladhe’sgone,"saidAmy,withanapprovingsmile。Thenextminuteherfacefellassheglancedabouttheemptyroom,adding,withaninvoluntarysigh,"Yes,Iamglad,buthowIshallmisshim。"
GoodWives:Chapter17CHAPTER17TheValleyoftheShadowWhenthefirstbitternesswasover,thefamilyacceptedtheinevitable,andtriedtobearitcheerfully,helpingoneanotherbytheincreasedaffectionwhichcomestobindhouseholdstenderlytogetherintimesoftrouble。Theyputawaytheirgrief,andeachdidhisorherparttowardmakingthatlastyearahappyone。
ThepleasantestroominthehousewassetapartforBeth,andinitwasgatheredeverythingthatshemostloved,flowers,pictures,herpiano,thelittleworktable,andthebelovedpussies。Father’sbestbooksfoundtheirwaythere,Mother’seasychair,Jo’sdesk,Amy’sfinestsketches,andeverydayMegbroughtherbabiesonalovingpilgrimage,tomakesunshineforAuntyBeth。Johnquietlysetapartalittlesum,thathemightenjoythepleasureofkeepingtheinvalidsuppliedwiththefruitshelovedandlongedfor。OldHannahneverweariedofconcoctingdaintydishestotemptacapriciousappetite,droppingtearsassheworked,andfromacrosstheseacamelittlegiftsandcheerfulletters,seemingtobringbreathsofwarmthandfragrancefromlandsthatknownowinter。
Here,cherishedlikeahouseholdsaintinitsshrine,satBeth,tranquilandbusyasever,fornothingcouldchangethesweet,unselfishnature,andevenwhilepreparingtoleavelife,shetriedtomakeithappierforthosewhoshouldremainbehind。Thefeeblefingerswereneveridle,andoneofherpleasureswastomakelittlethingsfortheschoolchildrendailypassingtoandfro,todropapairofmittensfromherwindowforapairofpurplehands,aneedlebookforsomesmallmotherofmanydolls,pen—wipersforyoungpenmentoilingthroughforestsofpothooks,scrapbooksforpicture—lovingeyes,andallmannerofpleasantdevices,tillthereluctantclimbersoftheladderoflearningfoundtheirwaystrewnwithflowers,asitwere,andcametoregardthegentlegiverasasortoffairygodmother,whosatabovethere,andshowereddowngiftsmiraculouslysuitedtotheirtastesandneeds。IfBethhadwantedanyreward,shefounditinthebrightlittlefacesalwaysturneduptoherwindow,withnodsandsmiles,andthedrolllittleletterswhichcametoher,fullofblotsandgratitude。
Thefirstfewmonthswereveryhappyones,andBethoftenusedtolookround,andsay"Howbeautifulthisis!"astheyallsattogetherinhersunnyroom,thebabieskickingandcrowingonthefloor,motherandsistersworkingnear,andfatherreading,inhispleasantvoice,fromthewiseoldbookswhichseemedrichingoodandcomfortablewords,asapplicablenowaswhenwrittencenturiesago,alittlechapel,whereapaternalpriesttaughthisflockthehardlessonsallmustlearn,tryingtoshowthemthathopecancomfortlove,andfaithmakeresignationpossible。Simplesermons,thatwentstraighttothesoulsofthosewholistened,forthefather’sheartwasintheminister’sreligion,andthefrequentfalterinthevoicegaveadoubleeloquencetothewordshespokeorread。
Itwaswellforallthatthispeacefultimewasgiventhemaspreparationforthesadhourstocome,forby—and—by,Bethsaidtheneedlewas`soheavy’,andputitdownforever。Talkingweariedher,facestroubledher,painclaimedherforitsown,andhertranquilspiritwassorrowfullyperturbedbytheillsthatvexedherfeebleflesh。Ahme!Suchheavydays,suchlong,longnights,suchachingheartsandimploringprayers,whenthosewholovedherbestwereforcedtoseethethinhandsstretchedouttothembeseechingly,tohearthebittercry,"Helpme,helpme!"andtofeelthattherewasnohelp。Asadeclipseoftheserenesoul,asharpstruggleoftheyounglifewithdeath,butbothweremercifullybrief,andthenthenaturalrebellionover,theoldpeacereturnedmorebeautifulthanever。Withthewreckofherfrailbody,Beth’ssoulgrewstrong,andthoughshesaidlittle,thoseaboutherfeltthatshewasready,sawthatthefirstpilgrimcalledwaslikewisethefittest,andwaitedwithherontheshore,tryingtoseetheShiningOnescomingtoreceiveherwhenshecrossedtheriver。
JoneverleftherforanhoursinceBethhadsaid"Ifeelstrongerwhenyouarehere。"Shesleptonacouchintheroom,wakingoftentorenewthefire,tofeed,lift,orwaituponthepatientcreaturewhoseldomaskedforanything,and`triednottobeatrouble’。Alldayshehauntedtheroom,jealousofanyothernurse,andprouderofbeingchosenthenthanofanyhonorherlifeeverbroughther。PreciousandhelpfulhourstoJo,fornowherheartreceivedtheteachingthatitneeded。Lessonsinpatienceweresosweetlytaughtherthatshecouldnotfailtolearnthem,charityforall,thelovelyspiritthatcanforgiveandtrulyforgetunkindness,theloyaltytodutythatmakesthehardesteasy,andthesincerefaiththatfearsnothing,buttrustsundoubtingly。
OftenwhenshewokeJofoundBethreadinginherwell—wornlittlebook,heardhersingingsoftly,tobeguilethesleeplessnight,orsawherleanherfaceuponherhands,whileslowtearsdroppedthroughthetransparentfingers,andJowouldliewatchingherwiththoughtstoodeepfortears,feelingthatBeth,inhersimple,unselfishway,wastryingtoweanherselffromthedearoldlife,andfitherselfforthelifetocome,bysacredwordsofcomfort,quietprayers,andthemusicshelovedsowell。
SeeingthisdidmoreforJothanthewisestsermons,thesaintliesthymns,themostferventprayersthatanyvoicecouldutter。Forwitheyesmadeclearbymanytears,andaheartsoftenedbythetenderestsorrow,sherecognizedthebeautyofhersister’slife——uneventful,unambitious,yetfullofthegenuinevirtueswhich`smellsweet,andblossominthedust’,theself—forgetfulnessthatmakesthehumblestonearthrememberedsoonestinheaven,thetruesuccesswhichispossibletoall。
OnenightwhenBethlookedamongthebooksuponhertable,tofindsomethingtomakeherforgetthemortalwearinessthatwasalmostashardtobearaspain,assheturnedtheleavesofheroldfavorite,Pilgrims’sProgress,shefoundalittlepaper,scribbledoverinJo’shand。Thenamecaughthereyeandtheblurredlookofthelinesmadehersurethattearshadfallenonit。
"PoorJo!She’sfastasleep,soIwon’twakehertoaskleave。Sheshowsmeallherthings,andIdon’tthinkshe’llmindifIlookatthis",thoughtBeth,withaglanceathersister,wholayontherug,withthetongsbesideher,readytowakeuptheminutethelogfellapart。MYBETHSittingpatientintheshadowTilltheblessedlightshallcome,AsereneandsaintlypresenceSanctifiesourtroubledhome。
EarthlyjoysandhopesandsorrowsBreaklikeripplesonthestrandOfthedeepandsolemnriverWhereherwillingfeetnowstand。Omysister,passingfromme,Outofhumancareandstrife,Leaveme,asagift,thosevirtuesWhichhavebeautifiedyourlife。
Dear,bequeathmethatgreatpatienceWhichhaspowertosustainAcheerful,uncomplainingspiritInitsprison—houseofpain。Giveme,forIneeditsorely,Ofthatcourage,wiseandsweet,WhichhasmadethepathofdutyGreenbeneathyourwillingfeet。
Givemethatunselfishnature,ThatwithcharitydevineCanpardonwrongforlove’sdearsake——
Meekheart,forgivememine!ThusourpartingdailylosethSomethingofitsbitterpain,Andwhilelearningthishardlesson,Mygreatlossbecomesmygain。
ForthetouchofgriefwillrenderMywildnaturemoreserene,Givetolifenewaspirations,Anewtrustintheunseen。Henceforth,safeacrosstheriver,IshallseeforevermoreAbeloved,householdspiritWaitingformeontheshore。
Hopeandfaith,bornofmysorrow,Guardianangelsshallbecome,AndthesistergonebeforemeBytheirhandsshallleadmehome。
Blurredandblotted,faultyandfeebleasthelineswere,theybroughtalookofinexpressiblecomforttoBeth’sface,forheroneregrethadbeenthatshehaddonesolittle,andthisseemedtoassureherthatherlifehadnotbeenuseless,thatherdeathwouldnotbringthedespairshefeared。Asshesatwiththepaperfoldedbetweenherhands,thecharredlogfellasunder。Jostartedup,revivedtheblaze,andcrepttothebedside,hopingBethslept。
"Notasleep,butsohappy,dear。See,Ifoundthisandreadit。Iknewyouwouldn’tcare。HaveIbeenallthattoyou,Jo?"sheasked,withwistful,humbleearnestness。
"OH,Beth,somuch,somuch!"AndJo’sheadwentdownuponthepillowbesidehersister’s。
"ThenIdon’tfeelasifI’dwastedmylife。I’mnotsogoodasyoumakeme,butIhavetriedtodoright。Andnow,whenit’stoolatetobegineventodobetter,it’ssuchacomforttoknowthatsomeonelovesmesomuch,andfeelsasifI’dhelpedthem。"
"Morethananyoneintheworld,Beth。IusedtothinkIcouldn’tletyougo,butI’mlearningtofeelthatIdon’tloseyou,thatyou’llbemoretomethanever,anddeathcan’tpartus,thoughitseemsto。"
"Iknowitcannot,andIdon’tfearitanylonger,forI’msureIshallbeyourBethstill,toloveandhelpyoumorethanever。Youmusttakemyplace,Jo,andbeeverythingtoFatherandMotherwhenI’mgone。Theywillturntoyou,don’tfailthem,andifit’shardtoworkalone,rememberthatIdon’tforgetyou,andthatyou’llbehappierindoingthatthanwritingsplendidbooksorseeingalltheworld,forloveistheonlythingthatwecancarrywithuswhenwego,anditmakesthegoeasy。"
"I’lltry,Beth。"AndthenandthereJorenouncedheroldambition,pledgedherselftoanewandbetterone,acknowledgingthepovertyofotherdesires,andfeelingtheblessedsolaceofabeliefintheimmortalityoflove。
Sothespringdayscameandwent,theskygrewclearer,theearthgreener,theflowerswereupfairlyearly,andthebirdscamebackintimetosaygoodbyetoBeth,who,likeatiredbuttrustfulchild,clungtothehandsthathadledherallherlife,asFatherandMotherguidedhertenderlythroughtheValleyoftheShadow,andgaveheruptoGod。
Seldomexceptinbooksdothedyinguttermemorablewords,seevisions,ordepartwithbeatifiedcountenances,andthosewhohavespedmanypartingsoulsknowthattomosttheendcomesasnaturallyandsimplyassleep。AsBethhadhoped,the`tidewentouteasily’,andinthedarkhourbeforedawn,onthebosomwhereshehaddrawnherfirstbreath,shequietlydrewherlast,withnofarewellbutonelovinglook,onelittlesigh。
Withtearsandprayersandtenderhands,Motherandsistersmadeherreadyforthelongsleepthatpainwouldnevermaragain,seeingwithgratefuleyesthebeautifulserenitythatsoonreplacedthepatheticpatiencethathadwrungtheirheartssolong,andfeelingwithreverentjoythattotheirdarlingdeathwasabenignantangel,notaphantomfullofdread。
Whenmorningcame,forthefirsttimeinmanymonthsthefirewasout,Jo’splacewasempty,andtheroomwasverystill。Butabirdsangblithelyonabuddingbough,closeby,thesnowdropsblossomedfreshlyatthewindow,andthespringsunshinestreamedinlikeabenedictionovertheplacidfaceuponthepillow,afacesofullofpainlesspeacethatthosewholoveditbestsmiledthroughtheirtears,andthankedGodthatBethwaswellatlast。
GoodWives:Chapter18CHAPTER18LearningtoForgetAmy’slecturedidLauriegood,though,ofcourse,hedidnotownittilllongafterward。Menseldomdo,forwhenwomenaretheadvisers,thelordsofcreationdon’ttaketheadvicetilltheyhavepersuadedthemselvesthatitisjustwhattheyintendedtodo。Thentheyactuponit,and,ifitsucceeds,theygivetheweakervesselhalfthecreditofit。Ifitfails,theygenerouslygiveherthewhole。Lauriewentbacktohisgrandfather,andwassodutifullydevotedforseveralweeksthattheoldgentlemandeclaredtheclimateofNicehadimprovedhimwonderfully,andhehadbettertryitagain。Therewasnothingtheyounggentlemanwouldhavelikedbetter,butelephantscouldnothavedraggedhimbackafterthescoldinghehadreceived。Prideforbid,andwheneverthelonginggrewverystrong,hefortifiedhisresolutionbyrepeatingthewordsthathadmadethedeepestimpression,"Idespiseyou。""Goanddosomethingsplendidthatwillmakeherloveyou。"
Laurieturnedthematteroverinhismindsooftenthathesoonbroughthimselftoconfessthathehadbeenselfishandlazy,butthenwhenamanhasagreatsorrow,heshouldbeindulgedinallsortsofvagariestillhehasliveditdown。Hefeltthathisblightedaffectionswerequitedeadnow,andthoughheshouldneverceasetobeafaithfulmourner,therewasnooccasiontowearhisweedsostentatiously。Jowouldn’tlovehim,buthemightmakeherrespectandadmirehimbydoingsomethingwhichshouldprovethatagirl’snohadnotspoiledhislife。Hehadalwaysmeanttodosomething,andAmy’sadvicewasquiteunnecessary。Hehadonlybeenwaitingtilltheaforesaidblightedaffectionsweredecentlyinterred。Thatbeingdone,hefeltthathewasreadyto`hidehisstrickenheart,andstilltoilon’。
AsGoethe,whenhehadajoyoragrief,putitintoasong,soLaurieresolvedtoembalmhislovesorrowinmusic,andtocomposeaRequiemwhichshouldharrowupJo’ssoulandmelttheheartofeveryhearer。Thereforethenexttimetheoldgentlemanfoundhimgettingrestlessandmoodyandorderedhimoff,hewenttoVienna,wherehehadmusicalfriends,andfelltoworkwiththefirmdeterminationtodistinguishhimself。Butwhetherthesorrowwastoovasttobeembodiedinmusic,ormusictooetherealtoupliftamortalwoe,hesoondiscoveredthattheRequiemwasbeyondhimjustatpresent。Itwasevidentthathismindwasnotinworkingorderyet,andhisideasneededclarifying,forofteninthemiddleofaplaintivestrain,hewouldfindhimselfhummingadancingtunethatvividlyrecalledtheChristmasballatNice,especiallythestoutFrenchman,andputaneffectualstoptotragiccompositionforthetimebeing。
Thenhetriedanopera,fornothingseemedimpossibleinthebeginning,buthereagainunforeseendifficultiesbesethim。HewantedJoforhisheroine,andcalleduponhismemorytosupplyhimwithtenderrecollectionsandromanticvisionsofhislove。Butmemoryturnedtraitor,andasifpossessedbytheperversespiritofthegirl,wouldonlyrecallJo’soddities,faults,andfreaks,wouldonlyshowherinthemostunsentimentalaspects——beatingmatswithherheadtiedupinabandana,barricadingherselfwiththesofapillow,orthrowingcoldwateroverhispassionàlaGummidge——andanirresistablelaughspoiledthepensivepicturehewasendeavoringtopaint。Jowouldn’tbeputintotheoperaatanyprice,andhehadtogiveherupwitha"Blessthatgirl,whatatormentsheis!"andaclutchathishair,asbecameadistractedcomposer。
Whenhelookedabouthimforanotherandalessintractabledamseltoimmortalizeinmelody,memoryproducedonewiththemostobligingreadiness。Thisphantomworemanyfaces,butitalwayshadgoldenhair,wasenvelopedinadiaphanouscloud,andfloatedairilybeforehismind’seyeinapleasingchaosofroses,peacocks,whiteponies,andblueribbons。Hedidnotgivethecomplacentwraithanyname,buthetookherforhisheroineandgrewquitefondofher,aswellhemight,forhegiftedherwitheverygiftandgraceunderthesun,andescortedher,unscathed,throughtrialswhichwouldhaveannihilatedanymortalwoman。
Thankstothisinspiration,hegotonswimminglyforatime,butgraduallytheworklostitscharm,andheforgottocompose,whilehesatmusing,peninhand,orroamedaboutthegaycitytogetsomenewideasandrefreshhismind,whichseemedtobeinasomewhatunsettledstatethatwinter。Hedidnotdomuch,buthethoughtagreatdealandwasconsciousofachangeofsomesortgoingoninspiteofhimself。"It’sgeniussimmering,perhaps。I’llletitsimmer,andseewhatcomesofit,"hesaid,withasecretsuspicionallthewhilethatitwasn’tgenius,butsomethingfarmorecommon。Whateveritwas,itsimmeredtosomepurpose,forhegrewmoreandmorediscontentedwithhisdesultorylife,begantolongforsomerealandearnestworktogoat,soulandbody,andfinallycametothewiseconclusionthateveryonewholovedmusicwasnotacomposer。ReturningfromoneofMozart’sgrandoperas,splendidlyperformedattheRoyalTheatre,helookedoverhisown,playedafewofthebestparts,satstaringatthebustsofMendelssohn,Beethoven,andbach,whostaredbenignlybackagain。Thensuddenlyhetoreuphismusicsheets,onebyone,andasthelastflutteredoutofhishand,hesaidsoberlytohimself……
"Sheisright!Talentisn’tgenius,andyoucan’tmakeitso。ThatmusichastakenthevanityoutofmyasRometookitoutofher,andIwon’tbeahumbuganylonger。NowwhatshallIdo?"
Thatseemedahardquestiontoanswer,andLauriebegantowishhehadtoworkforhisdailybread。Nowifever,occurredaneligibleopportunityfor`goingtothedevil’,asheonceforciblyexpressedit,forhehadplentyofmoneyandnothingtodo,andSatanisproverbiallyfondofprovidingemploymentforfullandidlehands。Thepoorfellowhadtemptationsenoughfromwithoutandfromwithin,buthewithstoodthemprettywell,formuchashevaluedliberty,hevaluedgoodfaithandconfidencemore,sohispromisetohisgrandfather,andhisdesiretobeabletolookhonestlyintotheeyesofthewomenwholovedhim,andsay"All’swell,"kepthimsafeandsteady。
VerylikelysomeMrs。Grundywillobserve,"Idon’tbelieveit,boyswillbeboys,youngmenmustsowtheirwildoats,andwomenmustnotexpectmiracles。"Idaresayyoudon’t,Mrs。Grundy,butit’struenevertheless。Womenworkagoodmanymiracles,andIhaveapersuasionthattheymayperformeventhatofraisingthestandardofmanhoodbyrefusingtoechosuchsayings。Lettheboysbeboys,thelongerthebetter,andlettheyoungmensowtheirwildoatsiftheymust。Butmothers,sisters,andfriendsmayhelptomakethecropasmallone,andkeepmanytaresfromspoilingtheharvest,bybelieving,andshowingthattheybelieve,inthepossibilityofloyaltytothevirtueswhichmakemenmanliestingoodwomen’seyes。Ifitisafemininedelusion,leaveustoenjoyitwhilewemay,forwithoutithalfthebeautyandtheromanceoflifeislost,andsorrowfulforebodingswouldembitterallourhopesofthebrave,tenderheartedlittlelads,whostilllovetheirmothersbetterthanthemselvesandarenotashamedtoownit。
LauriethoughtthatthetaskofforgettinghisloveforJowouldabsorballhispowersforyears,buttohisgreatsurprisehediscovereditgreweasiereveryday。Herefusedtobelieveitatfirst,gotangrywithhimself,andcouldn’tunderstandit,buttheseheartsofoursarecuriousandcontrarythings,andtimeandnatureworktheirwillinspiteofus。Laurie’sheartwouldn’tache。Thewoundpersistedinhealingwitharapiditythatastonishedhim,andinsteadoftryingtoforget,hefoundhimselftryingtoremember。Hehadnotforeseenthisturnofaffairs,andwasnotpreparedforit。Hewasdisgustedwithhimself,surprisedathisownfickleness,andfullofaqueermixtureofdisappointmentandreliefthathecouldrecoverfromsuchatremendousblowsosoon。Hecarefullystirreduptheembersofhislostlove,buttheyrefusedtoburstintoablaze。Therewasonlyacomfortableglowthatwarmedanddidhimgoodwithoutputtinghimintoafever,andhewasreluctantlyobligedtoconfessthattheboyishpassionwasslowlysubbsidingintoamoretranquilsentiment,verytender,alittlesadandresentfulstill,butthatwassuretopassawayintime,leavingabrotherlyaffectionwhichwouldlastunbrokentotheend。
Astheword`brotherly’passedthroughhismindinoneofhisreveries,hesmiled,andglancedupatthepictureofMozartthatwasbeforehim……
"Well,hewasagreatman,andwhenhecouldn’thaveonesisterhetooktheother,andwashappy。"
Lauriedidnotutterthewords,buthethoughtthem,andthenextinstantkissedthelittleoldring,sayingtohimself,"No,Iwon’t!Ihaven’tforgotten,Inevercan。I’lltryagain,andifthatfails,whythen……
Leavinghissentenceunfinished,heseizedpenandpaperandwrotetoJo,tellingherthathecouldnotsettletoanythingwhiletherewastheleasthopeofherchanginghermind。Couldn’tshe,wouldn’tshe,andlethimcomehomeandbehappy?Whilewaitingforananswerhedidnothing,buthediditenergetically,forhewasinafeverofimpatience。Itcameatlast,andsettledhismindeffectuallyononepoint,forJodecidedlycouldn’tandwouldn’t。ShewaswrappedupinBeth,andneverwishedtohearthewordloveagain。Thenshebeggedhimtobehappywithsomebodyelse,butalwayskeepalittlecornerofhisghartforhislovingsisterJo。InapostscriptshedesiredhimnottotellAmythatBethwasworse,shewascominghomeinthespringandtherewasnoneedofsaddeningtheremainderofherstay。Thatwouldbetimeenough,pleaseGod,butLauriemustwritetoheroften,andnotletherfeellonely,homesickoranxious。
"SoIwill,atonce。Poorlittlegirl,itwillbeasadgoinghomeforher,I’mafraid。"AndLaurieopenedhisdesk,asifwritingtoAmyhadbeentheproperconclusionofthesentenceleftunfinishedsomeweeksbefore。