"No，mydear，itwasnotso。"
　　"MyauntPollysaiditwasaknife。"
　　"Why，AuntPolly’sknifeMAYDO，butitwasaDAGGER，mydear。"
　　Hethenaskedherthemeaningof"baneandantidote，"whichshewasunabletogive。Mrs。Gastrelsaid:
　　"Youcannotexpectsoyoungachildtoknowthemeaningofsuchwords。"
　　Hethensaid:
　　"Mydear，howmanypencearethereinSIXPENCE？"
　　"Icannottell，sir，"wasthehalfterrifiedreply。
　　Onthis，addressinghimselftoMrs。Gastrel，hesaid:
　　"Now，mydearlady，cananythingbemoreridiculousthantoteachachildCato’sSoliloquy，whodoesnotknowhowmanypencethereareinasixpence？"
　　InalecturebeforetheRoyalGeographicalSocietyProfessorRavensteinquotedthefollowinglistoffranticquestions，andsaidthattheyhadbeenaskedinanexamination:
　　MentionallnamesofplacesintheworldderivedfromJuliusCaesarorAugustusCaesar。
　　Wherearethefollowingrivers:Pisuerga，Sakaria，Guadalete，Jalon，Mulde？
　　Allyouknowofthefollowing:Machacha，Pilmo，Schebulos，Crivoscia，Basces，Mancikert，Taxhem，Citeaux，Meloria，Zutphen。
　　ThehighestpeaksoftheKarakorumrange。
　　ThenumberofuniversitiesinPrussia。
　　Whyarethetopsofmountainscontinuallycoveredwithsnow[sic]？
　　NamethelengthandbreadthofthestreamsoflavawhichissuedfromtheSkaptarJokulintheeruptionof1783。
　　Thatlistwouldoversizenearlyanybody’sgeographicalknowledge。Isn’titreasonablypossiblethatinourschoolsmanyofthequestionsinallstudiesareseveralmilesaheadofwherethepupilis？thatheissettostrugglewiththingsthatareludicrouslybeyondhispresentreach，hopelesslybeyondhispresentstrength？Thisremarkinpassing，andbywayoftext;
　　nowIcometowhatIwasgoingtosay。
　　Ihavejustnowfallenuponadarlingliterarycuriosity。
　　Itisalittlebook，amanuscriptcompilation，andthecompilersentittomewiththerequestthatIsaywhetherIthinkitoughttobepublishedornot。Isaid，Yes;butasIslowlygrowwiseIbrisklygrowcautious;andso，nowthatthepublicationisimminent，ithasseemedtomethatIshouldfeelmorecomfortableifIcoulddivideupthisresponsibilitywiththepublicbyaddingthemtothecourt。ThereforeIwillprintsomeextractsfromthebook，inthehopethattheymaymakeconvertstomyjudgmentthatthevolumehasmeritwhichentitlesittopublication。
　　Astoitscharacter。Everyonehassampled"EnglishasSheisSpoke"and"EnglishasSheisWrote";thislittlevolumefurnishesusaninstructivearrayofexamplesof"EnglishasSheisTaught"inthepublicschoolsofwell，thiscountry。Thecollectionismadebyateacherinthoseschools，andalltheexamplesinitaregenuine;noneofthemhavebeentamperedwith，ordoctoredinanyway。Fromtimetotime，duringseveralyears，wheneverapupilhasdeliveredhimselfofanythingpeculiarlyquaintortoothsomeinthecourseofhisrecitations，thisteacherandherassociateshaveprivatelysetthatthingdowninamemorandumbook;strictlyfollowingtheoriginal，astogrammar，construction，spelling，andall;andtheresultisthisliterarycuriosity。
　　Thecontentsofthebookconsistmainlyofanswersgivenbytheboysandgirlstoquestions，saidanswersbeinggivensometimesverbally，sometimesinwriting。Thesubjectstoucheduponarefifteeninnumber:I。Etymology;II。Grammar;III。
　　Mathematics;IV。Geography;V。"Original";VI。Analysis;VII。
　　History;VIII。"Intellectual";IX。Philosophy;X。Physiology;XI。
　　Astronomy;XII。Politics;XIII。Music;XIV。Oratory;XV。
　　Metaphysics。
　　Youperceivethatthepoorlittleyoungideahastakenashotatagoodmanykindsofgameinthecourseofthebook。Nowastoresults。Herearesomequaintdefinitionsofwords。Itwillbenoticedthatinalloftheseinstancesthesoundoftheword，orthelookofitonpaper，hasmisledthechild:
　　ABORIGINES，asystemofmountains。
　　ALIAS，agoodmanintheBible。
　　AMENABLE，anythingthatismean。
　　AMMONIA，thefoodofthegods。
　　ASSIDUITY，stateofbeinganacid。
　　AURIFEROUS，pertainingtoanorifice。
　　CAPILLARY，alittlecaterpillar。
　　CORNIFEROUS，rocksinwhichfossilcornisfound。
　　EMOLUMENT，aheadstonetoagrave。
　　EQUESTRIAN，onewhoasksquestions。
　　EUCHARIST，onewhoplayseuchre。
　　FRANCHISE，anythingbelongingtotheFrench。
　　IDOLATER，averyidleperson。
　　IPECAC，amanwholikesagooddinner。
　　IRRIGATE，tomakefunof。
　　MENDACIOUS，whatcanbemended。
　　MERCENARY，onewhofeelsforanother。
　　PARASITE，akindofumbrella。
　　PARASITE，themurderofaninfant。
　　PUBLICAN，amanwhodoeshisprayersinpublic。
　　TENACIOUS，tenacresofland。
　　Hereisonewherethephrase"publicansandsinners"hasgotmixedupinthechild’smindwithpolitics，andtheresultisadefinitionwhichtakesoneinasuddenandunexpectedway:
　　REPUBLICAN，asinnermentionedintheBible。
　　AlsoinDemocraticnewspapersnowandthen。Herearetwowherethemistakehasresultedfromsoundassistedbyremotefact:
　　PLAGIARIST，awriterofplays。
　　DEMAGOGUE，avesselcontainingbeerandotherliquids。
　　Icannotquitemakeoutwhatitwasthatmisledthepupilinthefollowinginstances;itwouldnotseemtohavebeenthesoundoftheword，northelookofitinprint:
　　ASPHYXIA，agrumbling，fussytemper。
　　QUARTERNIONS，abirdwithaflatbeakandnobill，livinginNewZealand。
　　QUARTERNIONS，thenamegiventoastyleofartpracticedbythePhoenicians。
　　QUARTERNIONS，areligiousconventionheldeveryhundredyears。
　　SIBILANT，thestateofbeingidiotic。
　　CROSIER，astaffcarriedbytheDeity。
　　Inthefollowingsentencesthepupil’searhasbeendeceivinghimagain:
　　Themarriagewasillegible。
　　Hewastotallydismastedwiththewholeperformance。
　　Heenjoysridingonaphilosopher。
　　Shewasveryquickatrepertoire。
　　Heprayedforthewaterstosubsidize。
　　Theleopardiswatchinghissheep。
　　Theyhadastrawberryvestibule。
　　Hereisonewhichwell，now，howoftenwedoslamrightintothetruthwithouteversuspectingit:
　　ThemenemployedbytheGasCompanygoaroundandspeculatethemeter。
　　Indeedtheydo，dear;andwhenyougrowup，manyandmany’sthetimeyouwillnoticeitinthegasbill。Inthefollowingsentencesthelittlepeoplehavesomeinformationtoconvey，everytime;butinmycasetheyfailtoconnect:thelightalwayswentoutonthekeystoneword:
　　Thecoercionofsomethingsisremarkable;asbreadandmolasses。
　　Herhatiscontiguousbecauseshewearsitononeside。
　　Hepreachedtoanegregiouscongregation。
　　Thecaptaineliminatedabulletthroughtheman’sheart。
　　Youshouldtakecautionandbeprecarious。
　　Thesuperciliousgirlactedwithvicissitudewhentheperennialtimecame。
　　Thelastisacuriouslyplausiblesentence;oneseemstoknowwhatitmeans，andyetheknowsallthetimethathedoesn’t。Hereisanodd（butentirelyproper）useofaword，andamostsuddendescentfromaloftyphilosophicalaltitudetoaverypracticalandhomelyillustration:
　　Weshouldendeavortoavoidextremeslikethoseofwaspsandbees。
　　Andherewith"zoological"and"geological"inhismind，butnotreadytohistonguethesmallscholarhasinnocentlygoneandletoutacoupleofsecretswhichoughtnevertohavebeendivulgedinanycircumstances:
　　Thereareagoodmanydonkeysintheologicalgardens。
　　Someofthebestfossilsarefoundintheologicalgardens。
　　Undertheheadof"Grammar"thelittlescholarsfurnishthefollowinginformation:
　　Genderisthedistinguishingnounswithoutregardtosex。
　　Averbissomethingtoeat。
　　Adverbsshouldalwaysbeusedasadjectivesandadjectivesasadverbs。
　　EverysentenceandnameofGodmustbeginwithacaterpillar。
　　"Caterpillar"iswellenough，butcapitalletterwouldhavebeenstricter。Thefollowingisabraveattemptatasolution，butitfailedtoliquify:
　　Whentheyaregoingtosaysomeproseorpoetrybeforetheysaythepoetryorprosetheymustputasemicolonjustaftertheintroductionoftheproseorpoetry。
　　Thechapteron"Mathematics"isfulloffruit。FromitI
　　takeafewsamplesmainlyinanunripestate:
　　Astraightlineisanydistancebetweentwoplaces。
　　Parallellinesarelinesthatcannevermeetuntiltheyruntogether。
　　Acircleisaroundstraightlinewithaholeinthemiddle。
　　Thingswhichareequaltoeachotherareequaltoanythingelse。
　　Tofindthenumberofsquarefeetinaroomyoumultiplytheroombythenumberofthefeet。Theproductistheresult。
　　Rightyouare。Inthematterofgeographythislittlebookisunspeakablyrich。Thequestionsdonotappeartohaveappliedthemicroscopetothesubject，asdidthosequotedbyProfessorRavenstein;still，theyprovedplentydifficultenoughwithoutthat。Thesepupilsdidnothuntwithamicroscope，theyhuntedwithashotgun;thisisshownbythecrippledconditionofthegametheybroughtin:
　　AmericaisdividedintothePassifficslopeandtheMississippivaley。
　　NorthAmericaisseparatedbySpain。
　　Americaconsistsfromnorthtosouthaboutfivehundredmiles。
　　TheUnitedStatesisquiteasmallcountrycomparedwithsomeothercountrys，butitaboutasindustrious。
　　ThecapitaloftheUnitedStatesisLongIsland。
　　ThefiveseaportsoftheU。S。areNewfunlanandSanfrancisco。
　　TheprincipalproductsoftheU。S。isearthquakesandvolcanoes。
　　TheAlaginniesaremountainsinPhiladelphia。
　　TheRockyMountainsareonthewesternsideofPhiladelphia。
　　CapeHaterasisavastbodyofwatersurroundedbylandandflowingintotheGulfofMexico。
　　MasonandDixon’slineistheEquator。
　　OneoftheleadingindustriesoftheUnitedStatesismollasses，bookcovers，numbers，gas，teaching，lumber，manufacturers，papermaking，publishers，coal。
　　InAustriatheprincipaloccupationisgatheringAustrichfeathers。
　　Gibraltarisanislandbuiltonarock。
　　Russiaisverycoldandtyrannical。
　　SicilyisoneoftheSandwichIslands。
　　HindoostanflowsthroughtheGangesandemptiesintotheMediterraneanSea。
　　IrelandiscalledtheEmigrantIslebecauseitissobeautifulandgreen。
　　ThewidthofthedifferentzonesEuropeliesindependuponthesurroundingcountry。
　　Theimportsofacountryarethethingsthatarepaidfor，theexportsarethethingsthatarenot。
　　Climatelastsallthetimeandweatheronlyafewdays。
　　ThetwomostfamousvolcanoesofEuropeareSodomandGomorrah。
　　Thechapterheaded"Analysis"showsusthatthepupilsinourpublicschoolsarenotmerelyloadedupwiththoseshowyfactsaboutgeography，mathematics，andsoon，andleftinthatincompletestate;no，there’smachineryforclarifyingandexpandingtheirminds。Theyarerequiredtotakepoemsandanalyzethem，digouttheircommonsense，reducethemtostatistics，andreproducetheminaluminousprosetranslationwhichshalltellyouataglancewhatthepoetwastryingtogetat。Onesamplewilldo。Hereisastanzafrom"TheLadyoftheLake，"followedbythepupil’simpressiveexplanationofit:
　　Alone，butwithunbatedzeal，Thehorsemanpliedwithscourgeandsteel;
　　Forjadednowandspentwithtoil，Embossedwithfoamanddarkwithsoil，Whileeverygaspwithsobshedrew，Thelaboringstagstrainedfullinview。
　　Themanwhorodeonthehorseperformedthewhipandaninstrumentmadeofsteelalonewithstrongardornotdiminishing，for，beingtiredfromthetimepassedwithhardlaboroverworkedwithangerandignorantwithweariness，whileeverybreathforlaborhedrewwithcriesfullorsorrow，theyoungdeermadeimperfectwhoworkedhardfilteredinsight。
　　Isee，now，thatIneverunderstoodthatpoembefore。I
　　havehadglimpsesofitsmeaning，itmomentswhenIwasnotasignorantwithwearinessasusual，butthisisthefirsttimethewholespaciousideaofiteverfilteredinsight。IfIwereapublicschoolpupilIwouldputthoseotherstudiesasideandsticktoanalysis;for，afterall，itisthethingtospreadyourmind。
　　Wecomenowtohistoricalmatters，historicalremains，onemightsay。AsoneturnsthepagesheisimpressedwiththedepthtowhichonedatehasbeendrivenintotheAmericanchild’shead1492。Thedateisthere，anditistheretostay。Anditisalwaysathand，alwaysdeliverableatamoment’snotice。ButtheFactthatbelongswithit？Thatisquiteanothermatter。Onlythedateitselfisfamiliarandsure:itsvastFacthasfailedoflodgment。Itwouldappearthatwheneveryouaskapublic
　　schoolpupilwhenathinganything，nomatterwhathappened，andheisindoubt，healwaysripsouthis1492。Heappliesittoeverything，fromthelandingofthearktotheintroductionofthehorsecar。Well，afterall，itisourfirstdate，andsoitisrightenoughtohonorit，andpaythepublicschoolstoteachourchildrentohonorit:
　　GeorgeWashingtonwasbornin1492。
　　WashingtonwrotetheDeclarationofIndependencein1492。
　　St。Bartholemewwasmassacredin1492。
　　TheBrittainsweretheSaxonswhoenteredEnglandin1492
　　underJuliusCaesar。
　　Theearthis1492milesincircumference。
　　Toproceedwith"History"
　　ChristopherColumbuswascalledtheFatherofhisCountry。
　　QueenIsabellaofSpainsoldherwatchandchainandothermillinerysothatColumbuscoulddiscoverAmerica。
　　TheIndianwarswereverydesecratingtothecountry。
　　TheIndianspursuedtheirwarfarebyhidinginthebushesandthenscalpingthem。
　　CaptainJohnSmithhasbeenstyledthefatherofhiscountry。
　　HislifewassavedbyhisdaughterPochahantas。
　　ThePuritansfoundaninsaneasyluminthewildsofAmerica。
　　TheStampActwastomakeeverybodystampallmaterialssotheyshouldbenullandvoid。
　　WashingtondiedinSpainalmostbrokenhearted。HisremainsweretakentothecathedralinHavana。
　　Gorillawarfarewaswheremenrodeongorillas。
　　JohnBrownwasaverygoodinsanemanwhotriedtogetfugitivesslavesintoVirginia。Hecapturedalltheinhabitants，butwasfinallyconqueredandcondemnedtohisdeath。Theconfederasywasformedbythefugitiveslaves。
　　AlfredtheGreatreigned872years。Hewasdistinguishedforlettingsomebuckwheatcakesburn，andtheladyscoldedhim。
　　HenryEightwasfamousforbeingagreatwidowerhaveinglostseveralwives。
　　LadyJaneGreystudiedGreekandLatinandwasbeheadedafterafewdays。
　　JohnBrightisnotedforanincurabledisease。
　　LordJamesGordonBennetinstigatedtheGordonRiots。
　　TheMiddleAgescomeinbetweenantiquityandposterity。
　　LutherintroducedChristianityintoEnglandagoodmanythousandyearsago。HisbirthdaywasNovember1883。HewasonceaPope。HelivedatthetimeoftheRebellionofWorms。
　　JuliusCaesarisnotedforhisfamoustelegramdispatchI
　　cameIsawIconquered。
　　JuliusCaesarwasreallyaverygreatman。HewasaverygreatsoldierandwroteabookforbeginnersintheLatin。
　　Cleopatrawascausedbythedeathofanaspwhichshedissolvedinawinecup。
　　TheonlyformofgovernmentinGreecewasalimitedmonkey。
　　ThePersianwarlastedabout500years。
　　Greecehadonly7wisemen。
　　Socrates……destroyedsomestatuesandhadtodrinkShamrock。
　　Hereisafactcorrectlystated;andyetitisphrasedwithsuchingeniousinfelicitythatitcanbedependedupontoconveymisinformationeverytimeitisuncarefullyunread:
　　BytheSaliclawnowomanordescendantofawomancouldoccupythethrone。
　　Toshowhowfarachildcantravelinhistorywithjudiciousanddiligentboostinginthepublicschool，weselectthefollowingmosaic:
　　AbrahamLincolnwasborninWalesin1599。
　　Inthechapterheaded"Intellectual"Ifindagreatnumberofmostinterestingstatements。Asampleortwomaybefoundnotamiss:
　　BracebridgeHallwaswrittenbyHenryIrving。
　　ShowBoundwaswrittenbyPeterCooper。
　　TheHouseoftheSevenGableswaswrittenbyLordBryant。
　　EdgarA。Poewasaverycurdlingwriter。
　　CottonMatherwasawriterwhoinventedthecottenginandwrotehistories。
　　BeowulfwrotetheScriptures。
　　BenJohnsonsurvivedShakspeareinsomerespects。
　　IntheCanterburyTaleitgivesaccountofKingAlfredonhiswaytotheshrineofThomasBucket。
　　ChaucerwasthefatherofEnglishpottery。
　　Chaucerwasablandversewriterofthethirdcentury。
　　ChaucerwassucceededbyH。Wads。LongfellowanAmericanWriter。Hiswritingswerechieflyproseandnearlyonehundredyearselapsed。
　　ShaksperetranslatedtheScripturesanditwascalledSt。
　　Jamesbecausehedidit。
　　InthemiddleofthechapterIfindmanypagesofinformationconcerningShakespeare’splays，Milton’sworks，andthoseofBacon，Addison，SamuelJohnson，Fielding，Richardson，Sterne，Smollett，DeFoe，Locke，Pope，Swift，Goldsmith，Burns，Cowper，Wordsworth，Gibbon，Byron，Coleridge，Hood，Scott，Macaulay，GeorgeEliot，Dickens，Bulwer，Thackeray，Browning，Mrs。Browning，Tennyson，andDisraeliafactwhichshowsthatintotherestrictedstomachofthepublicschoolpupilisshoveledeveryyeartheblood，bone，andvisceraofagiganticliterature，andthesameistheredigestedanddisposedofinamostsuccessfulandcharacteristicandgratifyingpublicschoolway。Ihavespaceforbutatriflingfewoftheresults:
　　LordByronwasthesonofanheiressandadrunkenman。
　　Wm。WordsworthwrotetheBarefootBoyandImitationsonImmortality。
　　GibbonwroteahistoryofhistravelsinItaly。Thiswasoriginal。
　　GeorgeEliotleftawifeandchildrenwhomournedgreatlyforhisgenius。
　　GeorgeEliotMissMaryEvansMrs。CrossMrs。LewiswasthegreatestfemalepoetunlessGeorgeSandsismadeanexceptionof。
　　Bulwellisconsideredagoodwriter。
　　SirWalterScottCharlesBronteAlfredtheGreatandJohnsonwerethefirstgreatnovelists。
　　ThomasBabingtonMakorlaygraduatedatHarvardandthenstudiedlaw，hewasraisedtothepeerageasbaronin1557anddiedin1776。
　　Herearetwoorthreemiscellaneousfactsthatmaybeofvalue，iftakeninmoderation:
　　Homer’swritingsareHomer’sEssaysVirgiltheAenidandParadiselostsomepeoplesaythatthesepoemswerenotwrittenbyHomerbutbyanothermanofthesamename。
　　AsortofsadnesskindofshoneinBryant’spoems。
　　Holmesisaveryprofligateandamusingwriter。
　　WhenthepublicschoolpupilwrestleswiththepoliticalfeaturesoftheGreatRepublic，theythrowhimsometimes:
　　AbillbecomesalawwhenthePresidentvetoesit。
　　ThethreedepartmentsofthegovernmentisthePresidentrulestheworld，thegovernorrulestheState，themayorrulesthecity。
　　ThefirstconscientiousCongressmetinPhiladelphia。
　　TheConstitutionoftheUnitedStateswasestablishedtoensuredomestichostility。
　　Truthcrushedtoearthwillriseagain。Asfollows:
　　TheConstitutionoftheUnitedStatesisthatpartofthebookattheendwhichnobodyreads。
　　Andheresherisesoncemoreanduntimely。Thereshouldbealimittopublicschoolinstruction;itcannotbewiseorwelltolettheyoungfindouteverything:
　　Congressisdividedintocivilizedhalfcivilizedandsavage。
　　Herearesomeresultsofstudyinmusicandoratory:
　　Anintervalinmusicisthedistanceonthekeyboardfromonepianotothenext。
　　Arestmeansyouarenottosingit。
　　Emphasisisputtingmoredistressononewordthananother。
　　Thechapteron"Physiology"containsmuchthatoughtnottobelosttoscience:
　　Physillogigyistostudyaboutyourbonesstummickandvertebry。
　　Occupationswhichareinjurioustohealtharecabolicacidgaswhichisimpureblood。
　　Wehaveanupperandlowerskin。Thelowerskinmovesallthetimeandtheupperskinmoveswhenwedo。
　　Thebodyismostlycomposedofwaterandaboutonehalfisavaricioustissue。
　　Thestomachisasmallpearshapedbonesituatedinthebody。
　　Thegastricjuicekeepsthebonesfromcreaking。
　　TheChyleflowsupthemiddleofthebackboneandreachestheheartwhereitmeetstheoxygenandispurified。
　　Thesalivaryglandsareusedtosalivatethebody。
　　Inthestomachstarchischangedtocanesugarandcanesugartosugarcane。
　　Theolfactorynerveentersthecavityoftheorbitandisdevelopedintothespecialsenseofhearing。
　　Thegrowthofatoothbeginsinthebackofthemouthandextendstothestomach。
　　Ifwewereonarailroadtrackandatrainwascomingthetrainwoulddeafenourearssothatwecouldn’tseetogetoffthetrack。
　　If，uptothispoint，noneofmyquotationshaveaddedflavortotheJohnsoniananecdoteattheheadofthisarticle，letusmakeanotherattempt:
　　ThetheorythatintuitivetruthsarediscoveredbythelightofnatureoriginatedfromSt。John’sinterpretationofapassageintheGospelofPlato。
　　Theweightoftheearthisfoundbycomparingamassofknownleadwiththatofamassofunknownlead。
　　Tofindtheweightoftheearthtakethelengthofadegreeonameridianandmultiplyby61/2pounds。
　　Thespheresaretoeachotherasthesquaresoftheirhomologoussides。
　　Abodywillgojustasfarinthefirstsecondasthebodywillgoplustheforceofgravityandthat’sequaltotwicewhatthebodywillgo。
　　Specificgravityistheweighttobecomparedweightofanequalvolumeoforthatistheweightofabodycomparedwiththeweightofanequalvolume。
　　Thelawoffluidpressuredividethedifferentformsoforganizedbodiesbytheformofattractionandthenumberincreasedwillbetheform。
　　Inertiaisthatpropertyofbodiesbyvirtueofwhichitcannotchangeitsownconditionofrestormotion。Inotherwordsitisthenegativequalityofpassivenesseitherinrecoverablelatencyorinsipientlatescence。
　　Ifalaughisfairhere，notthestrugglingchild，northeunintelligentteacherorrathertheunintelligentBoards，Committees，andTrusteesarethepropertargetforit。Allthroughthislittlebookonedetectsthesignsofacertainprobablefactthatalargepartofthepupil’s"instruction"
　　consistsincramminghimwithobscureandwordy"rules"whichhedoesnotunderstandandhasnotimetounderstand。Itwouldbeasusefultocramhimwithbrickbats;theywouldatleaststay。