THEPARISSKETCHBOOK。
　　AnInvasionofFranceACautiontoTravellersTheFetesofJulyOntheFrenchSchoolofPaintingThePainter’sBargainCartoucheOnsomeFrenchFashionableNovelsAGambler’sDeathNapoleonandhisSystemTheStoryofMaryAncelBeatriceMergerCaricaturesandLithographyinParisLittlePoinsinetTheDevil’sWagerMadameSandandthenewApocalypseTheCaseofPeytelFourImitationsofBerangerFrenchDramasandMelodramasMeditationsatVersaillesDEDICATORYLETTER
　　TO
　　M。ARETZ，TAILOR，ETC。
　　27，RUERICHELIEU，PARIS。
　　SIR，——Itbecomeseverymaninhisstationtoacknowledgeandpraisevirtuewheresoeverhemayfindit，andtopointitoutfortheadmirationandexampleofhisfellow-men。
　　Somemonthssince，whenyoupresentedtothewriterofthesepagesasmallaccountforcoatsandpantaloonsmanufacturedbyyou，andwhenyouweremetbyastatementfromyourcreditor，thatanimmediatesettlementofyourbillwouldbeextremelyinconvenienttohim。yourreplywas，MonDieu，Sir，letnotthatannoyyou。ifyouwantmoney，asagentlemanoftendoesinastrangecountry，I
　　haveathousand-francnoteatmyhousewhichisquiteatyourservice。
　　Historyorexperience，Sir，makesusacquaintedwithsofewactionsthatcanbecomparedtoyours，——anofferlikethisfromastrangerandatailorseemstomesoastonishing，——thatyoumustpardonmeforthusmakingyourvirtuepublic，andacquaintingtheEnglishnationwithyourmeritandyourname。Letmeadd，Sir，thatyouliveonthefirstfloor。thatyourclothesandfitareexcellent，andyourchargesmoderateandjust。and，asahumbletributeofmyadmiration，permitmetolaythesevolumesatyourfeet。
　　Yourobliged，faithfulservant，M。A。TITMARSH。
　　ADVERTISEMENTTOTHEFIRSTEDITION。
　　Abouthalfofthesketchesinthesevolumeshavealreadyappearedinprint，invariousperiodicalworks。Apartofthetextofonetale，andtheplotsoftwoothers，havebeenborrowedfromFrenchoriginals。theotherstories，whichare，inthemain，true，havebeenwrittenuponfactsandcharactersthatcamewithintheAuthor’sobservationduringaresidenceinParis。
　　Astheremainingpapersrelatetopubliceventswhichoccurredduringthesameperiod，ortoParisianArtandLiterature，hehasventuredtogivehispublicationthetitlewhichitbears。
　　LONDON，July1，1840。
　　ANINVASIONOFFRANCE。
　　CaesarvenitinGalliamsummadiligentia。
　　Abouttwelveo’clock，justasthebellofthepacketistollingafarewelltoLondonBridge，andwarningofftheblackguard-boyswiththenewspapers，whohavebeenshovingTimes，Herald，PennyPaul-
　　Pry，PennySatirist，Flare-up，andotherabominations，intoyourface——justasthebellhastolled，andtheJews，strangers，people-
　　taking-leave-of-their-families，andblackguard-boysaforesaid，aremakingarushforthenarrowplankwhichconductsfromthepaddle-
　　boxoftheEmeraldsteamboatuntothequay——youperceive，staggeringdownThamesStreet，thosetwohackney-coaches，forthearrivalofwhichyouhavebeenpraying，trembling，hoping，despairing，swearing——sw——，Ibegyourpardon，Ibelievethewordisnotusedinpolitecompany——andtranspiring，forthelasthalf-
　　hour。Yes，atlast，thetwocoachesdrawnear，andfromthenceanawfulnumberoftrunks，children，carpet-bags，nursery-maids，hat-
　　boxes，band-boxes，bonnet-boxes，desks，cloaks，andanaffectionatewife，aredischargedonthequay。
　　Elizabeth，takecareofMissJane，screamsthatworthywoman，whohasbeenforafortnightemployedingettingthistremendousbodyoftroopsandbaggageintomarchingorder。Hicks！Hicks！forheaven’ssakemindthebabies！——George——Edward，sir，ifyougonearthatporterwiththetrunk，hewilltumbledownandkillyou，younaughtyboy！——Mylove，DOtakethecloaksandumbrellas，andgiveahandtoFannyandLucy。andIwishyouwouldspeaktothehackney-coachmen，dear，theywantfifteenshillings，andcountthepackages，love——twenty-sevenpackages，——andbringlittleFlo。
　　where’slittleFlo？——Flo！Flo！——Flocomessneakingin。shehasbeenspeakingafewpartingwordstoaone-eyedterrier，thatsneaksoffsimilarly，landward。
　　Aswhenthehawkmenacesthehen-roost，inlikemanner，whensuchadangerasavoyagemenacesamother，shebecomessuddenlyendowedwithaferociouspresenceofmind，andbristlingupandscreaminginthefrontofherbrood，andinthefaceofcircumstances，succeeds，byhercourage，inputtingherenemytoflight。inlikemanneryouwillalways，Ithink，findyourwifeifthatladybegoodfortwopenceshrill，eager，andill-humored，before，andduringagreatfamilymoveofthisnature。Well，theswindlinghackney-coachmenarepaid，themotherleadingonherregimentoflittleones，andsupportedbyherauxiliarynurse-maids，aresafeinthecabin——youhavecountedtwenty-sixofthetwenty-sevenparcels，andhavethemonboard，andthathorridmanonthepaddle-
　　box，who，fortwentyminutespast，hasbeenroaringout，NOW，SIR！——
　　says，NOW，SIR，nomore。
　　Ineveryetknewhowasteamerbegantomove，beingalwaystoobusyamongthetrunksandchildren，forthefirsthalf-hour，tomarkanyofthemovementsofthevessel。Whentheseprivatearrangementsaremade，youfindyourselfoppositeGreenwichfarewell，sweet，sweetwhitebait！，andquietbeginstoenteryoursoul。Yourwifesmilesforthefirsttimethesetendays。youpassbyplantationsofship-masts，andforestsofsteam-chimneys。thesailorsaresingingonboardtheships，thebargeessaluteyouwithoaths，grins，andphrasesfacetiousandfamiliar。themanonthepaddle-
　　boxroars，Easeher，stopher！whichmysteriouswordsashrillvoicefrombelowrepeats，andpipesout，Easeher，stopher！inecho。thedeckiscrowdedwithgroupsoffigures，andthesunshinesoverall。
　　Thesunshinesoverall，andthestewardcomesuptosay，Lunch，ladiesandgentlemen！Willanyladyorgentlemanpleasetotakeanythink？Aboutadozendo：boiledbeefandpickles，andgreatredrawCheshirecheese，tempttheepicure：littledumpybottlesofstoutareproduced，andfizzandbangaboutwithaspiritonewouldneverhavelookedforinindividualsoftheirsizeandstature。
　　Thedeckshaveastrange，look。thepeopleonthem，thatis。
　　Wives，elderlystouthusbands，nurse-maids，andchildrenpredominate，ofcourse，inEnglishsteamboats。SuchmaybeconsideredasthedistinctivemarksoftheEnglishgentlemanatthreeorfourandforty：twoorthreeofsuchgroupshavepitchedtheircampsonthedeck。Thenthereareanumberofyoungmen，ofwhomthreeorfourhaveallowedtheirmoustachestoBEGINtogrowsincelastFriday。fortheyaregoingontheContinent，andtheylook，therefore，asiftheirupperlipsweresmearedwithsnuff。
　　AdanseusefromtheoperaisonherwaytoParis。Followedbyherbonneandherlittledog，shepacesthedeck，steppingout，intherealdancerfashion，andoglingallaround。HowhappythetwoyoungEnglishmenare，whocanspeakFrench，andmakeuptoher：andhowallcriticiseherpointsandpaces！Yonderisagroupofyoungladies，whoaregoingtoParistolearnhowtobegovernesses：
　　thosetwosplendidlydressedladiesaremillinersfromtheRueRichelieu，whohavejustbroughtover，anddisposedof，theircargoofSummerfashions。HeresitstheRev。Mr。Snodgrasswithhispupils，whomheisconductingtohisestablishment，nearBoulogne，where，inadditiontoaclassicalandmathematicaleducationwashingincluded，theyounggentlemenhavethebenefitoflearningFrenchamongTHEFRENCHTHEMSELVES。Accordingly，theyounggentlemenarelockedupinagreatricketyhouse，twomilesfromBoulogneandneverseeasoul，excepttheFrenchusherandthecook。
　　SomefewFrenchpeoplearetherealready，preparingtobeill——I
　　nevershallforgetadreadfulsightIoncehadinthelittledark，dirty，six-footcabinofaDoversteamer。FourgauntFrenchmen，butfortheirpantaloons，inthecostumeofAdaminParadise，solemnlyanointingthemselveswithsomecharmagainstsea-
　　sickness！——afewFrenchmenarethere，butthese，forthemostpart，andwithaproperphilosophy，gotothefore-cabinoftheship，andyouseethemonthefore-deckisthatthenameforthatpartofthevesselwhichisintheregionofthebowsprit？
　　loweringinhugecloaksandcaps。snuffy，wretched，pale，andwet。
　　andnotjabberingnow，astheirwontisonshore。InevercouldfancytheMounseersformidableatsea。
　　Thereare，ofcourse，manyJewsonboard。Whoevertravelledbysteamboat，coach，diligence，eilwagen，vetturino，mule-back，orsledge，withoutmeetingsomeofthewanderingrace？
　　Bythetimetheseremarkshavebeenmadethestewardisonthedeckagain，anddinnerisready：andabouttwohoursafterdinnercomestea。andthenthereisbrandy-and-water，whichheeagerlypressesasapreventiveagainstwhatmayhappen。andaboutthistimeyoupasstheForeland，thewindblowingprettyfresh。andthegroupsondeckdisappear，andyourwife，givingyouanalarmedlook，descends，withherlittleones，totheladies’cabin，andyouseethestewardandhisboysissuingfromtheirdenunderthepaddle-
　　box，witheachaheapofroundtinvases，likethosewhicharecalled，Ibelieve，inAmerica，expectoratoons，onlythesearelarger……
　　Thewindblows，thewaterlooksgreenerandmorebeautifulthanever——ridgebyridgeoflongwhiterockpassesaway。That’sRamsgit，saysthemanatthehelm。and，presently，Thatthere’sDeal——it’sdreadfulfallenoffsincethewar。andThat’sDover，roundthattherepint，onlyyoucan’tseeit。And，inthemeantime，thesunhasplumpedhishotfaceintothewater，andthemoonhasshownhersassoonaseverhisbackisturned，andMrs——
　　thewifeingeneral，hasbroughtupherchildrenandselffromthehorridcabin，inwhichshesaysitisimpossibletobreathe。
　　andthepoorlittlewretchesare，bytheofficiousstewardessandsmartstewardexpectoratoonifer，accommodatedwithaheapofblankets，pillows，andmattresses，inthemidstofwhichtheycrawl，asbesttheymay，andfromtheheavingheapofwhichare，duringtherestofthevoyage，heardoccasionalfaintcries，andsoundsofpukingwoe！
　　Dear，dearMaria！Isthisthewomanwho，anon，bravedthejeersandbrutalwrathofswindlinghackney-coachmen。whorepelledtheinsolenceofhagglingporters，withascornthatbroughtdowntheirdemandsatleasteighteenpence？Isthisthewomanatwhosevoiceservantstremble。atthesoundofwhosestepsthenursery，ay，andmayhaptheparlor，isinorder？Lookathernow，prostrate，prostrate——nostrengthhasshetospeak，scarcepowertopushtoheryoungestone——hersuffering，strugglingRosa，——topushtoherthe——theinstrumentoon！
　　Inthemidstofallthesethroesandagonies，atwhichallthepassengers，whohavetheirownwoesyouyourself——forhowcanyouhelpTHEM？——youareonyourbackonabench，andifyoumoveallisupwithyou，arelookingonindifferent——onemanthereiswhohasbeenwatchingyouwiththeutmostcare，andbestowingonyourhelplessfamilythetendernessthatafatherdeniesthem。Heisaforeigner，andyouhavebeenconversingwithhim，inthecourseofthemorning，inFrench——which，hesays，youspeakremarkablywell，likeanativeinfact，andtheninEnglishwhich，afterall，youfindismoreconvenient。Whatcanexpressyourgratitudetothisgentlemanforallhisgoodnesstowardsyourfamilyandyourself——
　　youtalktohim，hehasservedundertheEmperor，andis，forallthat，sensible，modest，andwell-informed。Hespeaks，indeed，ofhiscountrymenalmostwithcontempt，andreadilyadmitsthesuperiorityofaBriton，ontheseasandelsewhere。Onelovestomeetwithsuchgenuineliberalityinaforeigner，andrespectsthemanwhocansacrificevanitytotruth。Thisdistinguishedforeignerhastravelledmuch。heaskswhitheryouaregoing？——whereyoustop？ifyouhaveagreatquantityofluggageonboard？——andlaughswhenhehearsofthetwenty-sevenpackages，andhopesyouhavesomefriendatthecustom-house，whocanspareyouthemonstroustroubleofunpackingthatwhichhastakenyouweekstoputup。Nine，ten，eleven，thedistinguishedforeigneriseveratyourside。youfindhimnow，perhaps，withcharacteristicingratitude，somethingofabore，but，atleast，hehasbeenmosttendertothechildrenandtheirmamma。AtlastaBoulognelightcomesinsight，youseeitoverthebowsofthevessel，when，havingbobbedviolentlyupwards，itsinksswiftlydown，Boulogneharborisinsight，andtheforeignersays，——
　　Thedistinguishedforeignersays，sayshe——Sare，eefyouafno’otel，Isallrecommendyou，milor，toze’OtelBetfort，inzeQuay，sare，closetothebathing-machinesandcustom-ha-oose。Goodbetsandfinegarten，sare。table-d’hote，sare，acinqheures。
　　breakfast，sare，inFrenchorEnglishstyle——Iamthecommissionaire，sare，andvillseetoyourloggish……Cursethefellow，foranimpudent，swindling，sneakingFrenchhumbug！——Yourtoneinstantlychanges，andyoutellhimtogoabouthisbusiness：butattwelveo’clockatnight，whenthevoyageisover，andthecustom-housebusinessdone，knowingnotwhithertogo，withawifeandfourteenexhaustedchildren，scarceabletostand，andlongingforbed，youfindyourself，somehow，intheHotelBedfordandyoucan’tbebetter，andsmilingchambermaidscarryoffyourchildrentosnugbeds。whilesmartwaitersproduceforyourhonor——acoldfowl，say，andasalad，andabottleofBordeauxandSeltzer-water……
　　Themorningcomes——Idon’tknowapleasanterfeelingthanthatofwakingwiththesunshiningonobjectsquitenew，andalthoughyouhavemadethevoyageadozentimes，quitestrange。Mrs。X。andyouoccupyaverylightbed，whichhasatallcanopyofredpercale。thewindowsaresmartlydrapedwithcheapgaudycalicoesandmuslins。therearelittlemeanstripsofcarpetaboutthetiledflooroftheroom，andyetallseemsasgayandascomfortableasmaybe——thesunshinesbrighterthanyouhaveseenitforayear，theskyisathousandtimesbluer，andwhatacheeryclatterofshrillquickFrenchvoicescomesupfromthecourt-yardunderthewindows！Bellsarejangling。afamily，mayhap，isgoingtoParis，enposte，andwondrousisthejabberofthecourier，thepostilion，theinn-waiters，andthelookers-on。ThelandlordcallsoutforQuatrebiftecksauxpommespourletrente-trois，——Omycountrymen，Iloveyourtastesandyourways！——thechambermaidislaughingandsays，Finissezdonc，MonsieurPierre！whatcantheybeabout？——afatEnglishmanhasopenedhiswindowviolently，andsays，Deedong，garsong，voolyvoomedonnylosho，ouvoolyvoopah？Hehasbeenringingforhalfanhour——thelastenergeticappealsucceeds，andshortlyheisenabledtodescendtothecoffee-room，where，withthreehotrolls，grilledham，coldfowl，andfourboiledeggs，hemakeswhathecallshisfirstFRENCH
　　breakfast。
　　Itisastrange，mongrel，merryplace，thistownofBoulogne。thelittleFrenchfishermen’schildrenarebeautiful，andthelittleFrenchsoldiers，fourfeethigh，red-breeched，withhugepomponsontheircaps，andbrownfaces，andclearsharpeyes，look，foralltheirlittleness，farmoremilitaryandmoreintelligentthantheheavyloutsonehasseenswaggeringaboutthegarrisontownsinEngland。Yondergoacrowdofbare-leggedfishermen。thereisthetownidiot，mockingawomanwhoisscreamingFleuveduTage，ataninn-window，toaharp，andtherearethelittlegaminsmockingHIM。Lo！thesesevenyoungladies，withredhairandgreenveils，theyarefromneighboringAlbion，andgoingtobathe。HerecomesthreeEnglishmen，habituesevidentlyoftheplace，——dandyspecimensofourcountrymen：onewearsamarinedress，anotherhasashootingdress，athirdhasablouseandapairofguiltlessspurs——allhaveasmuchhaironthefaceasnatureorartcansupply，andallweartheirhatsverymuchononeside。Believeme，thereisonthefaceofthisworldnoscamplikeanEnglishone，noblackguardlikeoneofthesehalf-gentlemen，somean，solow，sovulgar，——soludicrouslyignorantandconceited，sodesperatelyheartlessanddepraved。
　　Butwhy，mydearsir，getintoapassion？——Takethingscoolly。Asthepoethasobserved，Thoseonlyisgentlemenwhobehaveassich。withsuch，then，consort，betheycobblersordukes。Don’tgiveus，criesthepatrioticreader，anyabuseofourfellow-
　　countrymenanybodyelsecandothat，butrathercontinueinthatgood-humored，facetious，descriptivestylewithwhichyourletterhascommenced——Yourremark，sir，isperfectlyjust，anddoeshonortoyourheadandexcellentheart。
　　ThereislittleneedtogiveadescriptionofthegoodtownofBoulogne，which，hauteandbasse，withthenewlight-houseandthenewharbor，andthegas-lamps，andthemanufactures，andtheconvents，andthenumberofEnglishandFrenchresidents，andthepillarerectedinhonorofthegrandArmeed’Angleterre，socalledbecauseitDIDN’TgotoEngland，haveallbeenexcellentlydescribedbythefacetiousCoglan，thelearnedDr。Millingen，andbyinnumerableguide-booksbesides。AfinethingitistohearthestoutoldFrenchmenofNapoleon’stimearguehowthataudaciousCorsicanWOULDhavemarchedtoLondon，afterswallowingNelsonandallhisgun-boats，butforcettemalheureuseguerred’Espagneandcetteglorieusecampagned’Autriche，whichthegoldofPittcausedtoberaisedattheEmperor’stail，inordertocallhimofffromthehelplesscountryinhisfront。SomeFrenchmengofartherstill，andvowthatinSpaintheywereneverbeatenatall。indeed，ifyoureadintheBiographiedesHommesduJour，articleSoult，
　　youwillfancythat，withtheexceptionofthedisasteratVittoria，thecampaignsinSpainandPortugalwereaseriesoftriumphs。Only，bylookingatamap，itisobservablethatVimeiroisamortallongwayfromToulouse，where，attheendofcertainyearsofvictories，wesomehowfindthehonestMarshal。Andwhatthen？——hewenttoToulouseforthepurposeofbeatingtheEnglishthere，tobesure——aknownfact，onwhichcommentwouldbesuperfluous。However，weshallnevergettoParisatthisrate。
　　letusbreakofffurtherpalaver，andawayatonce……
　　Duringthispause，theingeniousreaderiskindlyrequestedtopayhisbillattheHotelatBoulogne，tomounttheDiligenceofLaffitte，CaillardandCompany，andtotravelfortwenty-fivehours，amidstmuchjinglingofharness-bellsandscreamingofpostilions。……
　　TheFrenchmilliner，whooccupiesoneofthecorners，beginstoremovethegreasypiecesofpaperwhichhaveenvelopedherlocksduringthejourney。ShewithdrawstheMadrasofdubioushuewhichhasboundherheadforthelastfive-and-twentyhours，andreplacesitbytheblackvelvetbonnet，which，bobbingagainstyournose，hashungfromtheDiligenceroofsinceyourdeparturefromBoulogne。Theoldladyintheoppositecorner，whohasbeensuckingbonbons，andsmellsdreadfullyofanisette，arrangesherlittleparcelsinthatimmensebasketofabominationswhichalloldwomencarryintheirlaps。Sherubshermouthandeyeswithherdustycambrichandkerchief，shetiesuphernightcapintoalittlebundle，andreplacesitbyamorebecominghead-piece，coveredwithwitheredartificialflowers，andcrumpledtagsofribbon。shelookswistfullyatthecompanyforaninstant，andthenplacesherhandkerchiefbeforehermouth：——hereyesrollstrangelyaboutforaninstant，andyouhearafaintclatteringnoise：theoldladyhasbeengettingreadyherteeth，whichhadlaininherbasketamongthebonbons，pins，oranges，pomatum，bitsofcake，lozenges，prayer-books，peppermint-water，coppermoney，andfalsehair——
　　stowedawaythereduringthevoyage。TheJewishgentleman，whohasbeensoattentivetothemillinerduringthejourney，andisatravellerandbagmanbyprofession，gatherstogetherhisvariousgoods。Thesallow-facedEnglishlad，whohasbeendrunkeversinceweleftBoulogneyesterday，andiscomingtoParistopursuethestudyofmedicine，swearsthatherejoicestoleavethecursedDiligence，issickoftheinfernaljourney，andd——dgladthatthed——dvoyageissonearlyover。Enfin！saysyourneighbor，yawning，andinsertinganelbowintothemouthofhisrightandlefthandcompanion，nousvoila。
　　NOUSVOILA！——WeareatParis！Thismustaccountfortheremovalofthemilliner’scurl-papers，andthefixingoftheoldlady’steeth——Sincethelastrelais，theDiligencehasbeentravellingwithextraordinaryspeed。Thepostilioncrackshisterriblewhip，andscreamsshrilly。Theconductorblowsincessantlyonhishorn，thebellsoftheharness，thebumpingandringingofthewheelsandchains，andtheclatterofthegreathoofsoftheheavysnortingNormanstallions，havewondrouslyincreasedwithinthis，thelasttenminutes。andtheDiligence，whichhasbeenproceedinghithertoattherateofaleagueinanhour，nowdashesgallantlyforward，asifitwouldtraverseatleastsixmilesinthesamespaceoftime。Thusitis，whenSirRobertmakethaspeechatSaintStephen’s——heusethhisstrengthatthebeginning，only，andtheend。Hegallopethatthecommencement。inthemiddlehelingers。
　　attheclose，again，herousestheHouse，whichhasfallenasleep。
　　hecrackeththewhipofhissatire。heshoutstheshoutofhispatriotism。and，urginghiseloquencetoitsroughestcanter，awakensthesleepers，andinspirestheweary，untilmensay，Whatawondrousorator！Whatacapitalcoach！Wewillridehenceforthinit，andinnoother！
　　But，beholdusatParis！TheDiligencehasreachedarude-lookinggate，orgrille，flankedbytwolodges。theFrenchKingsofoldmadetheirentrybythisgate。someofthehottestbattlesofthelaterevolutionwerefoughtbeforeit。Atpresent，itisblockedbycartsandpeasants，andabusycrowdofmen，ingreen，examiningthepackagesbeforetheyenter，probingthestrawwithlongneedles。ItistheBarrierofSt。Denis，andthegreenmenarethecustoms’-menofthecityofParis。Ifyouareacountryman，whowouldintroduceacowintothemetropolis，thecitydemandstwenty-
　　fourfrancsforsuchaprivilege：ifyouhaveahundredweightoftallow-candles，youmust，previously，disbursethreefrancs：ifadroveofhogs，ninefrancsperwholehog：butuponthesesubjectsMr。Bulwer，Mrs。Trollope，andotherwriters，havealreadyenlightenedthepublic。Inthepresentinstance，afteramomentarypause，oneofthemeningreenmountsbythesideoftheconductor，andtheponderousvehiclepursuesitsjourney。
　　Thestreetwhichweenter，thatoftheFaubourgSt。Denis，presentsastrangecontrasttothedarkuniformityofaLondonstreet，whereeverything，inthedingyandsmokyatmosphere，looksasthoughitwerepaintedinIndia-ink——blackhouses，blackpassengers，andblacksky。Here，onthecontrary，isathousandtimesmorelifeandcolor。Beforeyou，shininginthesun，isalongglisteninglineofGUTTER，——notaverypleasingobjectinacity，butinapictureinvaluable。Oneachsidearehousesofalldimensionsandhues。somebutofonestory。someashighasthetowerofBabel。
　　Fromthesethehaberdashersandthisistheirfavoritestreet
　　flauntlongstripsofgaudycalicoes，whichgiveastrangeairofrudegayetytothestreet。Milk-women，withalittlecrowdofgossipsroundeach，are，atthisearlyhourofmorning，sellingthechiefmaterialoftheParisiancafe-au-lait。Gaywine-shops，paintedred，andsmartlydecoratedwithvinesandgildedrailings，arefilledwithworkmentakingtheirmorning’sdraught。Thatgloomy-lookingprisononyourrightisaprisonforwomen。onceitwasaconventforLazarists：athousandunfortunateindividualsofthesoftersexnowoccupythatmansion：theybake，aswefindintheguide-books，thebreadofalltheotherprisons。theymendandwashtheshirtsandstockingsofalltheotherprisoners。theymakehooks-and-eyesandphosphorus-boxes，andtheyattendchapeleverySunday：——ifoccupationcanhelpthem，suretheyhaveenoughofit。
　　Wasitnotagreatstrokeofthelegislaturetosuperintendthemoralsandlinenatonce，andthuskeepthesepoorcreaturescontinuallymending？——Butwehavepassedtheprisonlongago，andareatthePorteSt。Denisitself。
　　Thereisonlytimetotakeahastyglanceaswepass：itcommemoratessomeofthewonderfulfeatsofarmsofLudovicusMagnus，andaboundsinponderousallegories——nymphs，andriver-
　　gods，andpyramidscrownedwithfleurs-de-lis。LouispassingovertheRhineintriumph，andtheDutchLiongivinguptheghost，intheyearofourLord1672。TheDutchLionrevived，andovercamethemansomeyearsafterwards。butofthisfact，singularlyenough，theinscriptionsmakenomention。Passing，then，roundthegate，andnotunderitafterthegeneralcustom，inrespectoftriumphalarches，youcrosstheboulevard，whichgivesaglimpseoftreesandsunshine，andgleamingwhitebuildings。then，dashingdowntheRuedeBourbonVilleneuve，adirtystreet，whichseemsinterminable，andtheRueSt。Eustache，theconductorgivesalastblastonhishorn，andthegreatvehicleclattersintothecourt-yard，wherethejourneyisdestinedtoconclude。
　　Iftherewasanoisebeforeofscreamingpostilionsandcrackedhorns，itwasnothingtotheBabel-likeclatterwhichgreetsusnow。Weareinagreatcourt，whichHajjiBabawouldcallthefatherofDiligences。Halfadozenothercoachesarriveatthesameminute——nolightaffairs，likeyourEnglishvehicles，butponderousmachines，containingfifteenpassengersinside，moreinthecabriolet，andvasttowersofluggageontheroof：othersareloading：theyardisfilledwithpassengerscomingordeparting——
　　bustlingportersandscreamingcommissionaires。Theselatterseizeyouasyoudescendfromyourplace，——twentycardsarethrustintoyourhand，andasmanyvoices，jabberingwithinconceivableswiftness，shriekintoyourear，Disway，sare。areyouforze’
　　’OtelofRhin？’’Hoteldel’Amiraute！’——’HotelBristol，’sare！——
　　Monsieur，’l’HoteldeLille？’Sacr-rrre’nomdeDieu，laissezpassercepetit，monsieur！Owmoshloggishaveyou，sare？
　　Andnow，ifyouareastrangerinParis，listentothewordsofTitmarsh——IfyoucannotspeakasyllableofFrench，andloveEnglishcomfort，cleanrooms，breakfasts，andwaiters。ifyouwouldhaveplentifuldinners，andarenotparticularashowshouldyoube？concerningwine。if，inthisforeigncountry，youWILLhaveyourEnglishcompanions，yourporter，yourfriend，andyourbrandy-
　　and-water——donotlistentoanyofthesecommissionerfellows，butwithyourbestEnglishaccent，shoutoutboldly，MEURICE！andstraightwayamanwillstepforwardtoconductyoutotheRuedeRivoli。
　　Hereyouwillfindapartmentsatanyprice：averyneatroom，forinstance，forthreefrancsdaily。anEnglishbreakfastofeternalboiledeggs，orgrilledham。anondescriptdinner，profusebutcold。andasocietywhichwillrejoiceyourheart。Hereareyounggentlemenfromtheuniversities。youngmerchantsonalark。largefamiliesofninedaughters，withfatfatherandmother。officersofdragoons，andlawyers’clerks。ThelasttimewedinedatMeurice’swehobbedandnobbedwithnolessapersonthanMr。
　　Moses，thecelebratedbailiffofChanceryLane。LordBroughamwasonhisright，andaclergyman’slady，withatrainofwhite-hairedgirls，satonhisleft，wonderfullytakenwiththediamondringsofthefascinatingstranger！
　　Itis，asyouwillperceive，anadmirablewaytoseeParis，especiallyifyouspendyourdaysreadingtheEnglishpapersatGalignani’s，asmanyofourforeigntouristsdo。
　　Butallthisispromiscuous，andnottothepurpose。If，——tocontinueonthesubjectofhotelchoosing，——ifyoulovequiet，heavybills，andthebesttable-d’hoteinthecity，go，Ostranger！
　　totheHoteldesPrinces。itisclosetotheBoulevard，andconvenientforFrascati’s。TheHotelMirabeaupossessesscarcelylessattraction。butofthisyouwillfind，inMr。Bulwer’sAutobiographyofPelham，afaithfulandcompleteaccount。
　　Lawson’sHotelhaslikewiseitsmerits，asalsotheHoteldeLille，whichmaybedescribedasasecondchopMeurice。
　　Ifyouareapoorstudentcometostudythehumanities，orthepleasantartofamputation，crossthewaterforthwith，andproceedtotheHotelCorneille，neartheOdeon，orothersofitsspecies。
　　therearemanywhereyoucanliveroyallyuntilyoueconomizebygoingintolodgingsonfourfrancsaday。andwhere，ifbyanystrangechanceyouaredesirousforawhiletogetridofyourcountrymen，youwillfindthattheyscarcelyeverpenetrate。
　　Butaboveall，Omycountrymen！shunboarding-houses，especiallyifyouhaveladiesinyourtrain。orponderwell，andexaminethecharactersofthekeepersthereof，beforeyouleadyourinnocentdaughters，andtheirmamma，intoplacessodangerous。Inthefirstplace，youhavebaddinners。and，secondly，badcompany。Ifyouplaycards，youareverylikelyplayingwithaswindler。ifyoudance，youdancewitha——personwithwhomyouhadbetterhavenothingtodo。
　　Notewhichladiesarerequestednottoread——Inoneoftheseestablishments，dailyadvertisedasmosteligibleforEnglish，afriendofthewriterlived。Alady，whohadpassedforsometimeasthewifeofoneoftheinmates，suddenlychangedherhusbandandname，heroriginalhusbandremaininginthehouse，andsalutingherbyhernewtitle。
　　ACAUTIONTOTRAVELLERS。
　　Amilliondangersandsnaresawaitthetraveller，assoonasheissuesoutofthatvastmessageriewhichwehavejustquitted：andaseachmancannotdobetterthanrelatesucheventsashavehappenedinthecourseofhisownexperience，andmaykeeptheunwaryfromthepathofdanger，letustakethis，theveryearliestopportunity，ofimpartingtothepublicalittleofthewisdomwhichwepainfullyhaveacquired。
　　Andfirst，then，withregardtothecityofParis，itistoberemarked，thatinthatmetropolisflourishagreaternumberofnativeandexoticswindlersthanaretobefoundinanyotherEuropeannursery。WhatyoungEnglishmanthatvisitsit，buthasnotdetermined，inhisheart，tohavealittleshareofthegayetiesthatgoon——justforonce，justtoseewhattheyarelike？
　　Howmany，whenthehorriblegamblingdenswereopen，didresistasightofthem？——nay，wasnotayoungfellowratherflatteredbyadinnerinvitationfromtheSalon，whitherhewent，fondlypretendingthatheshouldseeFrenchsociety，inthepersonsofcertainDukesandCountswhousedtofrequenttheplace？
　　MyfriendPogsonisayoungfellow，notmuchworse，althoughperhapsalittleweakerandsimplerthanhisneighbors。andcomingtoPariswithexactlythesamenotionsthatbringmanyothersoftheBritishyouthtothatcapital，eventsbefellhimthere，lastwinter，whicharestrictlytrue，andshallherebenarrated，bywayofwarningtoall。
　　Pog，itmustbepremised，isacityman，whotravelsindrugsforacoupleofthebestLondonhouses，blowstheflute，hasanalbum，driveshisowngig，andisconsidered，bothontheroadandinthemetropolis，aremarkablynice，intelligent，thrivingyoungman。
　　Pogson’sonlyfaultistoogreatanattachmenttothefair：——thesex，ashesaysoftenwillbehisruin：thefactis，thatPognevertravelswithoutaDonJuanunderhisdriving-cushion，andisapretty-lookingyoungfellowenough。
　　SamPogsonhadoccasiontovisitParis，lastOctober。anditwasinthatcitythathisloveofthesexhadlikedtohavecosthimdear。
　　HeworkedhiswaydowntoDover。placing，rightandleft，atthetownsonhisroute，rhubarb，sodas，andothersuchdelectablewaresashismastersdealtinthesweetestsampleofcastoroil，smeltlikeanosegay——wentofflikewildfire——hogsheadandahalfatRochester，eight-andtwentygallonsatCanterbury，andsoon，andcrossedtoCalais，andthencevoyagedtoParisinthecoupeoftheDiligence。Hepaidfortwoplaces，too，althoughasingleman，andthereasonshallnowbemadeknown。
　　Diningatthetable-d’hoteatQuillacq’s——itisthebestinnontheContinentofEurope——ourlittletravellerhadthehappinesstobeplacednexttoalady，whowas，hesawataglance，oneoftheextremepinkofthenobility。Alargelady，inblacksatin，witheyesandhairasblackassloes，withgoldchains，scent-bottles，sabletippet，workedpocket-handkerchief，andfourtwinklingringsoneachofherplumpwhitefingers。HercheekswereaspinkasthefinestChineserougecouldmakethem。Pogknewthearticle：hetravelledinit。Herlipswereasredastherubylipsalve：sheusedtheverybest，thatwasclear。
　　Shewasafine-lookingwoman，certainlyholdingdownhereyes，andtalkingperpetuallyofmestrente-deuxans。andPogson，thewickedyoungdog，whoprofessednottocareforyoungmisses，sayingtheysmeltsoofbread-and-butter，declared，atonce，thattheladywasoneofHISbeauties。infact，whenhespoketousabouther，hesaid，She’saslap-upthing，Itellyou。areg’largoodone。ONEOFMYSORT！AndsuchwasPogson’screditinallcommercialrooms，thatoneofHISsortwasconsideredtosurpassallothersorts。
　　Duringdinner-time，Mr。Pogsonwasprofoundlypoliteandattentivetotheladyathisside，andkindlycommunicatedtoher，asisthewaywiththebest-bredEnglishontheirfirstarrivalontheContinent，allhisimpressionsregardingthesightsandpersonshehadseen。Suchremarkshavingbeenmadeduringhalfanhour’srambleabouttherampartsandtown，andinthecourseofawalkdowntothecustom-house，andaconfidentialcommunicationwiththecommissionaire，mustbe，doubtless，veryvaluabletoFrenchmenintheirowncountry。andtheladylistenedtoPogson’sopinions：notonlywithbenevolentattention，butactually，shesaid，withpleasureanddelight。Mr。PogsonsaidthattherewasnosuchthingasgoodmeatinFrance，andthat’swhytheycookedtheirvictualsinthisqueerway。hehadseenmanysoldiersparadingabouttheplace，andexpressedatrueEnglishman’sabhorrenceofanarmedforce。notthathefearedsuchfellowsasthese——littlewhipper-
　　snappers——ourmenwouldeatthem。HereupontheladyadmittedthatourGuardswereangels，butthatMonsieurmustnotbetoohardupontheFrench。herfatherwasaGeneraloftheEmperor。
　　PogsonfeltatremendousrespectforhimselfatthenotionthathewasdiningwithaGeneral’sdaughter，andinstantlyorderedabottleofchampagnetokeepuphisconsequence。
　　Mrs。Bironn，ma’am，saidhe，forhehadheardthewaitercallherbysomesuchname，ifyouWILLacceptaglassofchampagne，ma’am，you’lldome，I’msure，greathonor：theysayit’sverygood，andaprecioussightcheaperthanitisonoursideoftheway，too——notthatIcareformoney。Mrs。Bironn，ma’am，yourhealth，ma’am。
　　Theladysmiledverygraciously，anddrankthewine。
　　Haryouanyrelation，ma’am，ifImaymakesobold。haryouanywaysconnectedwiththefamilyofourimmortalbard？
　　Sir，Ibegyourpardon。
　　Don’tmentionit，ma’am：butBiRONNandBYronarehevidentlythesamenames，onlyyoupronounceintheFrenchway。andIthoughtyoumightberelatedtohislordship：hishorigin，ma’am，wasofFrenchextraction：andherePogsonbegantorepeat，——
　　Harethyheyeslikethymother’s，myfairchild，Hada！soledaughterofmy’ouseand’art？
　　Oh！saidthelady，laughing，youspeakofLORByron？
　　Hauthorof’DonJuan，’’Child’Arold，’and’Cain，aMystery，’
　　saidPogson：——Ido。andhearingthewaitercallingyouMadamlaBironn，tookthelibertyofhaskingwhetheryouwereconnectedwithhislordship。that’shall：andmyfriendheregrewdreadfullyred，andbegantwiddlinghislongringletsinhisfingers，andexaminingveryeagerlythecontentsofhisplate。
　　Oh，no：MadamelaBaronnemeansMistressBaroness。myhusbandwasBaron，andIamBaroness。
　　What！’aveIthehonor——Ibegyourpardon，ma’am——isyourladyshipaBaroness，andInotknowit？prayexcusemeforcallingyouma’am。
　　TheBaronesssmiledmostgraciously——withsuchalookasJunocastuponunfortunateJupiterwhenshewishedtogainherwickedendsuponhim——theBaronesssmiled。and，stealingherhandintoablackvelvetbag，drewfromitanivorycard-case，andfromtheivorycard-caseextractedaglazedcard，printedingold。onitwasengravedacoronet，andunderthecoronetthewordsBARONNEDEFLORVAL-DELVAL，NEEDEMELVAL-NORVAL。
　　RueTaitbout。
　　ThegrandPittdiamond——theQueen’sownstarofthegarter——asampleofotto-of-rosesataguineaadrop，wouldnotbehandledmorecuriously，ormorerespectfully，thanthisporcelaincardoftheBaroness。TremblingheputitintohislittleRussia-leatherpocket-book：andwhenheventuredtolookup，andsawtheeyesoftheBaronessdeFlorval-Delval，needeMelval-Norval，gazinguponhimwithfriendlyandsereneglances，athrillofpridetingledthroughPogson’sblood：hefelthimselftobetheveryhappiestfellowontheContinent。
　　ButPogsondidnot，forsometime，venturetoresumethatsprightlyandelegantfamiliaritywhichgenerallyformsthegreatcharmofhisconversation：hewastoomuchfrightenedatthepresencehewasin，andcontentedhimselfbygracefulandsolemnbows，deepattention，andejaculationsofYes，mylady，andNo，yourladyship，forsomeminutesafterthediscoveryhadbeenmade。
　　Pogsonpiquedhimselfonhisbreeding：Ihatethearistocracy，
　　hesaid，butthat’snoreasonwhyIshouldn’tbehavelikeagentleman。
　　Asurly，silentlittlegentleman，whohadbeenthethirdattheordinary，andwouldtakenoparteitherintheconversationorinPogson’schampagne，nowtookuphishat，and，grunting，lefttheroom，whenthehappybagmanhadthedelightofatete-a-tete。TheBaronessdidnotappearinclinedtomove：itwascold。afirewascomfortable，andshehadorderednoneinherapartment。MightPogsongiveheronemoreglassofchampagne，orwouldherladyshipprefersomethinghot。Herladyshipgravelysaid，shenevertookANYTHINGhot。Somechampagne，then。aleetledrop？Shewould！
　　shewould！Ogods！howPogson’shandshookashefilledandofferedhertheglass！
　　WhattookplaceduringtherestoftheeveninghadbetterbedescribedbyMr。Pogsonhimself，whohasgivenuspermissiontopublishhisletter。
　　QUILLACQ’SHOTELpronouncedKILLYAX，CALAIS。
　　DEARTIT，——IarrivedatCally，astheycallit，thisday，or，rather，yesterday。foritispastmidnight，asIsitthinkingofawonderfuladventurethathasjustbefallenme。Awomanincourse。
　　that’salwaysthecasewithME，youknow：butoh，Tit！ifyouCOULD
　　butseeher！OfthefirstfamilyinFrance，theFlorval-Delvals，beautifulasanangel，andnomorecaringformoneythanIdoforsplitpeas。
　　I’lltellyouhowitoccurred。EverybodyinFrance，youknow，dinesattheordinary——it’squitedistangytodoso。Therewasonlythreeofusto-day，however，——theBaroness，me，andagent，whoneverspokeaword。andwedidn’twanthimto，neither：doyoumarkthat？
　　Youknowmywaywiththewomen：champagne’sthething。make’emdrink，make’emtalk——make’emtalk，make’emdoanything。SoI
　　ordersabottle，asifformyself。and，’Ma’am，’saysI，’willyoutakeaglassofSham——justone？’Takeitshedid——foryouknowit’squitedistangyhere：everybodydinesatthetabledehote，andeverybodyacceptseverybody’swine。BobIrons，whotravelsinlinenonourcircuit，toldmethathehadmadesomeslap-upacquaintancesamongthegenteelestpeopleatParis，nothingbutbyofferingthemSham。
　　Well，myBaronesstakesoneglass，twoglasses，threeglasses——theoldfellowgoes——wehaveadealofchatshetookmeforamilitaryman，shesaid：isitnotsingularthatsomanypeopleshould？，andbyteno’clockwehadgrownsointimate，thatIhadfromherherwholehistory，knewwhereshecamefrom，andwhereshewasgoing。
　　Leavemealonewith’em：Icanfindoutanywoman’shistoryinhalfanhour。
　　AndwheredoyouthinksheISgoing？toParistobesure：shehasherseatinwhattheycallthecoopythoughyou’renotnearsocoopedinitasinourcoaches。I’vebeentotheofficeandseenoneof’em。Shehasherplaceinthecoopy，andthecoopyholdsTHREE。sowhatdoesSamPogsondo？——hegoesandtakestheothertwo。Ain’tIuptoathingortwo？Oh，no，nottheleast。butI
　　shallhavehertomyselfthewholeoftheway。
　　WeshallbeintheFrenchmetropolisthedayafterthisreachesyou：pleaselookoutforahandsomelodgingforme，andnevermindtheexpense。AndIsay，ifyoucould，inherhearing，whenyoucamedowntothecoach，callmeCaptainPogson，Iwishyouwould——
　　itsoundswelltravelling，youknow。andwhensheaskedmeifIwasnotanofficer，Icouldn’tsayno。Adieu，then，mydearfellow，tillMonday，andvivelejoy，astheysay。TheBaronesssaysI
　　speakFrenchcharmingly，shetalksEnglishaswellasyouorI。
　　Youraffectionatefriend，S。Pogson。
　　Thisletterreachedusduly，inourgarrets，andweengagedsuchanapartmentforMr。Pogson，asbeseemedagentlemanofhisrankintheworldandthearmy。Attheappointedhour，too，werepairedtotheDiligenceoffice，andtherebeheldthearrivalofthemachinewhichcontainedhimandhislovelyBaroness。
　　Thosewhohavemuchfrequentedthesocietyofgentlemenofhisprofessionandwhatmoredelightful？mustbeaware，that，whenalltherestofmankindlookhideous，dirty，peevish，wretched，afterafortyhours’coach-journey，abagmanappearsasgayandspruceaswhenhestarted。havingwithinhimselfathousandlittleconveniencesforthevoyage，whichcommontravellersneglect。
　　Pogsonhadalittleportabletoilet，ofwhichhehadnotfailedtotakeadvantage，andwithhislong，curling，flaxenhair，flowingunderaseal-skincap，withagoldtassel，withablueandgoldsatinhandkerchief，acrimsonvelvetwaistcoat，alightgreencut-
　　awaycoat，apairofbarredbrickdust-coloredpantaloons，andaneatmackintosh，presented，altogether，aselegantanddistingueanappearanceasanyonecoulddesire。Hehadputonacleancollaratbreakfast，andapairofwhitekidsasheenteredthebarrier，andlooked，asherushedintomyarms，morelikeamansteppingoutofaband-box，thanonedescendingfromavehiclethathasjustperformedoneofthelaziest，dullest，flattest，stalest，dirtiestjourneysinEurope。
　　Tomysurprise，therewereTWOladiesinthecoachwithmyfriend，andnotONE，asIhadexpected。Oneofthese，astoutfemale，carryingsundrybaskets，bags，umbrellas，andwoman’swraps，wasevidentlyamaid-servant：theother，inblack，wasPogson’sfairone，evidently。Icouldseeagleamofcurl-papersoverasallowface，——ofaduskynightcapflappingoverthecurl-papers，——butthesewerehiddenbyalaceveilandahugevelvetbonnet，ofwhichthecrowningbirds-of-paradisewereevidentlyinamoultingstate。
　　Shewasencasedinmanyshawlsandwrappers。sheput，hesitatingly，aprettylittlefootoutofthecarriage——Pogsonwasbyhersideinaninstant，and，gallantlyputtingoneofhiswhitekidsroundherwaist，aidedthisinterestingcreaturetodescend。Isaw，byherwalk，thatshewasfive-and-forty，andthatmylittlePogsonwasalostman。
　　Aftersomebriefparleybetweenthem——inwhichitwascharmingtohearhowmyfriendSamuelWOULDspeak，whathecalledFrench，toaladywhocouldnotunderstandonesyllableofhisjargon——themutualhackney-coachesdrewup。MadamelaBaronnewavedtotheCaptainagracefulFrenchcurtsy。Adyou！saidSamuel，andwavedhislilyhand。Adyou-addimang。
　　Abrisklittlegentleman，whohadmadethejourneyinthesamecoachwithPogson，buthadmoremodestlytakenaseatintheImperial，herepassedus，andgreetedmewithaHowd’yedo？Hehadshoulderedhisownlittlevalise，andwastrudgingoff，scatteringacloudofcommissionaires，whowouldfainhavesparedhimthetrouble。
　　Doyouknowthatchap？saysPogson。surlyfellow，ain’the？
　　Thekindestmaninexistence，answeredI。alltheworldknowslittleMajorBritish。
　　He’saMajor，ishe？——why，that’sthefellowthatdinedwithusatKillyax’s。it’sluckyIdidnotcallmyselfCaptainbeforehim，hemightn’thavelikedit，youknow：andthenSamfellintoareverie——whatwasthesubjectofhisthoughtssoonappeared。
　　DidyoueverSEEsuchafootandankle？saidSam，aftersittingforsometime，regardlessofthenoveltyofthescene，hishandsinhispockets，plungedinthedeepestthought。
　　ISN’Tsheaslap-upwoman，eh，now？pursuedhe。andbeganenumeratingherattractions，asahorse-jockeywouldthepointsofafavoriteanimal。
　　Youseemtohavegoneaprettylengthalready，saidI，bypromisingtovisitherto-morrow。
　　Agoodlength？——Ibelieveyou。LeaveMEaloneforthat。
　　ButIthoughtyouwereonlytobetwointhecoupe，youwickedrogue。
　　Twointhecoopy？Oh！ah！yes，youknow——why，thatis，Ididn’tknowshehadhermaidwithherwhatanassIwastothinkofanoblewomantravellingwithoutone！andcouldn’t，incourse，refuse，whensheaskedmetoletthemaidin。
　　Ofcoursenot。
　　Couldn’t，youknow，asamanofhonor。butImadeupforallthat，saidPogson，winkingslyly，andputtinghishandtohislittlebunchofanose，inaveryknowingway。
　　Youdid，andhow？
　　Why，youdog，Isatnexttoher。satinthemiddlethewholeway，andmyback’shalfbroke，Icantellyou：andthus，havingdepictedhishappiness，wesoonreachedtheinnwherethisback-
　　brokenyoungmanwastolodgeduringhisstayinParis。
　　Thenextdayatfivewemet。Mr。PogsonhadseenhisBaroness，anddescribedherlodgings，inhisownexpressiveway，asslap-up。
　　Shehadreceivedhimquitelikeanoldfriend。treatedhimtoeausucree，ofwhichbeverageheexpressedhimselfagreatadmirer。andactuallyaskedhimtodinethenextday。Buttherewasacloudovertheingenuousyouth’sbrow，andIinquiredstillfarther。
　　Why，saidhe，withasigh，Ithoughtshewasawidow。and，hangit！whoshouldcomeinbutherhusbandtheBaron：abigfellow，sir，withabluecoat，aredribbing，andSUCHapairofmustachios！
　　Well，saidI，hedidn’tturnyouout，Isuppose？
　　Oh，no！onthecontrary，askindaspossible。hislordshipsaidthatherespectedtheEnglisharmy。askedmewhatcorpsIwasin，——
　　saidhehadfoughtinSpainagainstus，——andmademewelcome。
　　Whatcouldyouwantmore？
　　Mr。Pogsonatthisonlywhistled。andifsomeveryprofoundobserverofhumannaturehadbeentheretoreadintothislittlebagman’sheart，itwould，perhaps，havebeenmanifest，thattheappearanceofawhiskeredsoldierofahusbandhadcounteractedsomeplansthattheyoungscoundrelwasconcocting。
　　Iliveupahundredandthirty-sevenstepsintheremotequarteroftheLuxembourg，anditisnottobeexpectedthatsuchafashionablefellowasSamPogson，withhispocketsfullofmoney，andanewcitytosee，shouldbealwayswanderingtomydullquarters。sothat，althoughhedidnotmakehisappearanceforsometime，hemustnotbeaccusedofanyluke-warmnessoffriendshiponthatscore。
　　Hewasout，too，whenIcalledathishotel。butonce，Ihadthegoodfortunetoseehim，withhishatcuriouslyononeside，lookingaspleasedasPunch，andbeingdriven，inanopencab，intheChampsElysees。That’sANOTHERtip-topchap，saidhe，whenwemet，atlength。WhatdoyouthinkofanEarl’sson，myboy？
　　HonorableTomRingwood，sonoftheEarlofCinqbars：whatdoyouthinkofthat，eh？
　　Ithoughthewasgettingintoverygoodsociety。Samwasadashingfellow，andwasalwaysabovehisownlineoflife。hehadmetMr。
　　RingwoodattheBaron’s，andthey’dbeentotheplaytogether。andthehonorablegent，asSamcalledhim，hadjokedwithhimaboutbeingwelltodoINACERTAINQUARTER。andhehadhadagameofbilliardswiththeBaron，attheEstaminy，averydistangyplace，whereyousmoke，saidSam。quiteselect，andfrequentedbythetip-topnobility。andtheywereasthickaspeasinashell。andtheyweretodinethatdayatRingwood’s，andsup，thenextnight，withtheBaroness。
　　Ithinkthechapsdowntheroadwillstare，saidSam，whentheyhearhowI’vebeencomingit。Andstare，nodoubt，theywould。
　　foritiscertainthatveryfewcommercialgentlemenhavehadMr。
　　Pogson’sadvantages。
　　Thenextmorningwehadmadeanarrangementtogooutshoppingtogether，andtopurchasesomearticlesoffemalegear，thatSamintendedtobestowonhisrelationswhenhereturned。Sevenneedle-books，forhissisters。agiltbuckle，forhismamma。ahandsomeFrenchcashmereshawlandbonnet，forhisaunttheoldladykeepsaninnintheBorough，andhasplentyofmoney，andnoheirs。andatoothpickcase，forhisfather。Samisagoodfellowtoallhisrelations，andasforhisaunt，headoresher。Well，weweretogoandmakethesepurchases，andIarrivedpunctuallyatmytime。butSamwasstretchedonasofa，verypaleanddismal。
　　Isawhowithadbeen——AlittletoomuchofMr。Ringwood’sclaret，Isuppose？
　　Heonlygaveasicklystare。
　　WheredoestheHonorableTomlive？saysI。
　　HONORABLE！saysSam，withahollow，horridlaugh。Itellyou，Tit，he’snomoreHonorablethanyouare。
　　What，animpostor？
　　No，no。notthat。HeisarealHonorable，only——
　　Oh，ho！Ismellarat——alittlejealous，eh？
　　Jealousybehanged！Itellyouhe’sathief。andtheBaron’sathief。and，hangme，ifIthinkhiswifeisanybetter。Eight-and-
　　thirtypoundshewonofmebeforesupper。andmademedrunk，andsentmehome：——isTHAThonorable？HowcanIaffordtolosefortypounds？It’stookmetwoyearstosaveitup——ifmyoldauntgetswindofit，she’llcutmeoffwithashilling：hangme！——andhereSam，inanagony，torehisfairhair。
　　Whilebewailinghislotinthislamentablestrain，hisbellwasrung，whichsignalbeingansweredbyasurlyComein，atall，veryfashionablegentleman，withafurcoat，andafiercetufttohischin，enteredtheroom。Pogsonmybuck，howgoesit？saidhe，familiarly，andgaveastareatme：Iwasmakingformyhat。
　　Don’tgo，saidSam，rathereagerly。andIsatdownagain。
　　TheHonorableMr。Ringwoodhummedandha’d：and，atlast，saidhewishedtospeaktoMr。Pogsononbusiness，inprivate，ifpossible。
　　There’snosecretsbetwixtmeandmyfriend，criedSam。
　　Mr。Ringwoodpausedalittle：——Anawkwardbusinessthatoflastnight，atlengthexclaimedhe。
　　IbelieveitWASanawkwardbusiness，saidSam，dryly。
　　Ireallyamverysorryforyourlosses。
　　Thankyou：andsoamI，Icantellyou，saidSam。
　　Youmustmind，mygoodfellow，andnotdrink。for，whenyoudrink，youWILLplayhigh：byGad，youledUSin，andnotweyou。
　　Idaresay，answeredSam，withsomethingofpeevishness。lossesislosses：there’snousetalkingabout’emwhenthey’reoverandpaid。
　　Andpaid？herewonderinglyspokeMr。Ringwood。why，mydearfel——
　　whatthedeuce——hasFlorvalbeenwithyou？
　　D——Florval！growledSam，I’veneverseteyesonhisfacesincelastnight。andneverwishtoseehimagain。
　　Come，come，enoughofthistalk。howdoyouintendtosettlethebillswhichyougavehimlastnight？
　　BillsIwhatdoyoumean？
　　Imean，sir，thesebills，saidtheHonorableTom，producingtwooutofhispocket-book，andlookingassternasalion。’I
　　promisetopay，ondemand，totheBarondeFlorval，thesumoffourhundredpounds。October20，1838。’’TendaysafterdateIpromisetopaytheBarondeetcaeteraetcaetera，onehundredandninety-
　　eightpounds。SamuelPogson。’Youdidn’tsaywhatregimentyouwerein。
　　WHAT！shoutedpoorSam，asfromadream，startingupandlookingpreternaturallypaleandhideous。
　　D——it，sir，youdon’taffectignorance：youdon’tpretendnottorememberthatyousignedthesebills，formoneylostinmyrooms：
　　moneyLENTtoyou，byMadamedeFlorval，atyourownrequest，andlosttoherhusband？Youdon’tsuppose，sir，thatIshallbesuchaninfernalidiotastobelieveyou，orsuchacowardastoputupwithameansubterfugeofthissort。Willyou，orwillyounot，paythemoney，sir？
　　Iwillnot，saidSam，stoutly。it’sad——dswin——
　　HereMr。Ringwoodsprungup，clenchinghisriding-whip，andlookingsofiercethatSamandIboundedbacktotheotherendoftheroom。
　　Utterthatwordagain，and，byheaven，I’llmurderyou！shoutedMr。Ringwood，andlookedasifhewould，too：oncemore，willyou，orwillyounot，paythismoney？
　　Ican’t，saidSamfaintly。
　　I’llcallagain，CaptainPogson，saidMr。Ringwood，I’llcallagaininonehour。and，unlessyoucometosomearrangement，youmustmeetmyfriend，theBarondeFlorval，orI’llpostyouforaswindlerandacoward。Withthishewentout：thedoorthunderedtoafterhim，andwhentheclinkofhisstepsdepartinghadsubsided，IwasenabledtolookroundatPog。Thepoorlittlemanhadhiselbowsonthemarbletable，hisheadbetweenhishands，andlooked，asonehasseengentlemenlookoverasteam-vesseloffRamsgate，thewindblowingremarkablyfresh：atlasthefairlyburstoutcrying。
　　IfMrs。Pogsonheardofthis，saidI，whatwouldbecomeofthe’ThreeTuns？’forIwishedtogivehimalesson。IfyourMa，whotookyoueverySundaytomeeting，shouldknowthatherboywaspayingattentiontomarriedwomen——ifDrench，GlauberandCo。，youremployers，weretoknowthattheirconfidentialagentwasagambler，andunfittobetrustedwiththeirmoney，howlongdoyouthinkyourconnectionwouldlastwiththem，andwhowouldafterwardsemployyou？
　　TothispoorPoghadnotawordofanswer。butsatonhissofawhimperingsobitterly，thatthesternestofmoralistswouldhaverelentedtowardshim，andwouldhavebeentouchedbythelittlewretch’stears。Everything，too，mustbepleadedinexcuseforthisunfortunatebagman：who，ifhewishedtopassforacaptain，hadonlydonesobecausehehadanintenserespectandlongingforrank：ifhehadmadelovetotheBaroness，hadonlydonesobecausehewasgiventounderstandbyLordByron’sDonJuanthatmakinglovewasaverycorrect，nattything：andifhehadgambled，hadonlybeeninducedtodosobythebrighteyesandexampleoftheBaronandtheBaroness。OyeBaronsandBaronessesofEngland！ifyeknewwhatanumberofsmallcommonersaredailyoccupiedinstudyingyourlives，andimitatingyouraristocraticways，howcarefulwouldyebeofyourmorals，manners，andconversation！
　　Mysoulwasfilled，then，withagentleyearningpityforPogson，andrevolvedmanyplansforhisrescue：noneoftheseseemingtobepracticable，atlastwehitontheverywisestofall，anddeterminedtoapplyforcounseltonolessapersonthanMajorBritish。
　　Ablessingitistobeacquaintedwithmyworthyfriend，littleMajorBritish。andheaven，sure，itwasthatputtheMajorintomyhead，whenIheardofthisawkwardscrapeofpoorFog’s。TheMajorisonhalf-pay，andoccupiesamodestapartmentauquatrieme，intheveryhotelwhichPogsonhadpatronizedatmysuggestion。
　　indeed，IhadchosenitfromMajorBritish’sownpeculiarrecommendation。
　　ThereisnobetterguidetofollowthansuchacharacterasthehonestMajor，ofwhomtherearemanylikenessesnowscatteredovertheContinentofEurope：menwholovetolivewell，andareforcedtolivecheaply，andwhofindtheEnglishabroadathousandtimeseasier，merrier，andmorehospitablethanthesamepersonsathome。
　　I，formypart，neverlandedonCalaispierwithoutfeelingthataloadofsorrowswasleftontheothersideofthewater。andhavealwaysfanciedthatblackcaresteppedonboardthesteamer，alongwiththecustom-houseofficersatGravesend，andaccompaniedonetoyonderblacklouringtowersofLondon——sobusy，sodismal，andsovast。
　　Britishwouldhavecutanyforeigner’sthroatwhoventuredtosaysomuch，butentertained，nodoubt，privatesentimentsofthisnature。forhepassedeightmonthsoftheyear，regularly，abroad，withheadquartersatParisthegarretsbeforealludedto，andonlywenttoEnglandforthemonth’sshooting，onthegroundsofhisoldcolonel，nowanoldlord，ofwhoseacquaintancetheMajorwaspassablyinclinedtoboast。
　　Helovedandrespected，likeagoodstaunchToryasheis，everyoneoftheEnglishnobility。gavehimselfcertainlittleairsofamanoffashion，thatwerebynomeansdisagreeable。andwas，indeed，kindlyregardedbysuchEnglisharistocracyashemet，inhislittleannualtoursamongtheGermancourts，inItalyorinParis，wherehenevermissedanambassador’snight：heretailedtous，whodidn’tgo，butweredelightedtoknowallthathadtakenplace，accurateaccountsofthedishes，thedresses，andthescandalwhichhadtherefallenunderhisobservation。
　　Heis，moreover，oneofthemostusefulpersonsinsocietythatcanpossiblybe。forbesidesbeingincorrigiblyduelsomeonhisownaccount，heis，forothers，themostacuteandpeaceablecounsellorintheworld，andhascarriedmorefriendsthroughscrapesandpreventedmoredeathsthananymemberoftheHumaneSociety。
　　Britishneverboughtasinglestepinthearmy，asiswellknown。
　　In’14hekilledacelebratedFrenchfire-eater，，whohadslainayoungfriendofhis，andliving，ashedoes，agreatdealwithyoungmenofpleasure，andgoodoldsoberfamilypeople，heislovedbythembothandhasaswelcomeaplacemadeforhimataroaringbachelor’ssupperattheCafeAnglais，asatastaiddowager’sdinner-tableintheFaubourgSt。Honore。Suchpleasantoldboysareveryprofitableacquaintances，letmetellyou。andluckyistheyoungmanwhohasoneortwosuchfriendsinhislist。
　　HurryingonFogsoninhisdress，Iconductedhim，panting，uptotheMajor’squatrieme，wherewewerecheerfullybiddentocomein。
　　Thelittlegentlemanwasinhistravellingjacket，andoccupiedinpainting，elegantly，oneofthosenattypairsofbootsinwhichhedailypromenadedtheBoulevards。Acoupleofpairsoftoughbuffgloveshadbeenundergoingsomepipe-clayingoperationunderhishands。nomansteppedoutsospickandspan，withahatsonicelybrushed，withastiffcravattiedsoneatlyunderafatlittleredface，withabluefrock-coatsoscrupulouslyfittedtoapunchylittleperson，asMajorBritish，aboutwhomwehavewrittenthesetwopages。Hestaredratherhardlyatmycompanion，butgavemeakindshakeofthehand，andweproceededatoncetobusiness。
　　MajorBritish，saidI，wewantyouradviceinregardtoanunpleasantaffairwhichhasjustoccurredtomyfriendPogson。
　　Pogson，takeachair。
　　Youmustknow，sir，thatMr。Pogson，comingfromCalaistheotherday，encountered，inthediligence，averyhandsomewoman。
　　BritishwinkedatPogson，who，wretchedashewas，couldnothelpfeelingpleased。
　　Mr。Pogsonwasnotmorepleasedwiththislovelycreaturethanwasshewithhim。for，itappears，shegavehimhercard，invitedhimtoherhouse，wherehehasbeenconstantly，andhasbeenreceivedwithmuchkindness。
　　Isee，saysBritish。
　　HerhusbandtheBaron——
　　NOWit’scoming，saidtheMajor，withagrin：herhusbandisjealous，Isuppose，andthereisatalkoftheBoisdeBoulogne：mydearsir，youcan’trefuse——can’trefuse。
　　It’snotthat，saidPogson，wagginghisheadpassionately。
　　HerhusbandtheBaronseemedquiteasmuchtakenwithPogsonashisladywas，andhasintroducedhimtosomeverydistinguefriendsofhisownset。LastnightoneoftheBaron’sfriendsgaveapartyinhonorofmyfriendPogson，wholostforty-eightpoundsatcardsBEFOREhewasmadedrunk，andheavenknowshowmuchafter。
　　Notashilling，bysacredheaven！——notashilling！yelledoutPogson。AfterthesupperI’adsuchan’eadach’，Icouldn’tdoanythingbutfallasleeponthesofa。
　　You’adsuchan’eadach’，sir，saysBritish，sternly，whopiqueshimselfonhisgrammarandpronunciation，andscornsacockney。
　　SuchaH-eadache，sir，repliedPogson，withmuchmeekness。
　　Theunfortunatemanisbroughthomeattwoo’clock，astipsyaspossible，draggedupstairs，senseless，tobed，and，onwaking，receivesavisitfromhisentertainerofthenightbefore——alord’sson，Major，atip-topfellow，——whobringsacoupleofbillsthatmyfriendPogsonissaidtohavesigned。
　　Well，mydearfellow，thething’squitesimple，——hemustpaythem。
　　Ican’tpaythem。
　　Hecan’tpaythem，saidwebothinabreath：Pogsonisacommercialtraveller，withthirtyshillingsaweek，andhowthedeuceishetopayfivehundredpounds？
　　Abagman，sir！andwhatrighthasabagmantogamble？Gentlemengamble，sir。tradesmen，sir，havenobusinesswiththeamusementsofthegentry。Whatbusinesshadyouwithbaronsandlords’sons，sir？——serveyouright，sir。
　　Sir，saysPogson，withsomedignity，merit，andnotbirth，isthecriterionofaman：Idespiseanhereditaryaristocracy，andadmireonlyNature’sgentlemen。Formypart，IthinkthataBritishmerch——
　　Holdyourtongue，sir，bouncedouttheMajor，anddon’tlectureme。don’tcometome，sir，withyourslangaboutNature’sgentlemen——Nature’stomfools，sir！DidNatureopenacashaccountforyouatabanker’s，sir？DidNaturegiveyouaneducation，sir？
　　WhatdoyoumeanbycompetingwithpeopletowhomNaturehasgivenallthesethings？Sticktoyourbags，Mr。Pogson，andyourbagmen，andleavebaronsandtheirliketotheirownways。
　　Yes，but，Major，herecriedthatfaithfulfriend，whohasalwaysstoodbyPogson。theywon’tleavehimalone。
　　ThehonorablegentsaysImustfightifIdon’tpay，whimperedSam。
　　What！fightYOU？Doyoumeanthatthehonorablegent，asyoucallhim，willgooutwithabagman？
　　Hedoesn’tknowI’ma——I’macommercialman，blushinglysaidSam：
　　hefanciesI’mamilitarygent。