Thesewerefashionablewomen——mostdelicate,sensitiveladies——atwhomheswore。Theywept,stayedon,advertisedhimasa``wonderfulseriousteacherwhowon’tstandanynonsenseanddoesn’tcareahangwhetheryoustayorgo——andhecanteachabsolutelyanybodytosing!’’Heknewhowtobegentlewithoutseemingtobeso。heknewhowtoflatterwithoututteringasinglewordthatdidnotseemtobereluctantpraiseorsavagecriticism。heknewhowtomakealadywithalittlevoiceworkenoughtomakeashowingthatwouldspurhertokeeponandonwithhim。heknewhowtoencouragearichwomanwithnomoresongthanapeacockuntilshewouldcometohimthreetimesaweekformanyyears——andhowhedidmakeherpayforwhathesufferedinlisteningtothehideoussquawkingsandyelpingssheinflicteduponhim!
DidJenningsthinkhimselfafraud?Nomorethanthenexthumanbeingwholivesbyfraud。Isthereanytradeorprofessionwhosepractitioners,inthebottomoftheirhearts,donotthinktheyarelivingexcusablyandperhapscreditably?TheJenningstheorywasthathewasagreatteacher。thattherewereonlyaveryfewseriousandworth-whileseekersofthesingingart。
thatinordertoliveandtoteachthesefew,hehadtoreceivetheothers。that,anyhow,singingwasafineartforanyonetohaveandtakingsinginglessonsmadetheworstvoicealittlelessbad——or,attheleast,singingwassplendidforthehealth。Oneofhisfavoritedictawas,``Everychildshouldbetaughtsinging——
foritshealth,iffornothingelse。’’Andperhapshewasright!Atanyrate,hemadehisfortytofiftythousandayear——andondayswhenhehadasuccessionofthenoisy,tunelesssquawkers,hefeltthathemorethanearnedeverycentofit。
Mildreddidnotpenetratefarintothesecretofthemoney-makingbranchoftheJenningsmethod。Itwascrudeenough,too。Butarenotallthefraudsthatfoolthehumanracecrude?Humanbeingsbothcannotandwillnotlookbeneathsurfaces。AllMildredlearnedwasthatJenningsdidnotgiveuppayingpupils。
Shehadnotconfidenceenoughinthisdiscoverytoputittothetest。Shedidnotdaredisobeyhimorshirk——
evenwhenshewasmostdisposedtodoso。Butgraduallysheceasedfromthatintenseapplicationshehadatfirstbroughttoherwork。Shekeptuptheforms。
Shelearnedherlessons。Shedidallthatwasasked。
Sheseemedtobetoilingasinthebeginning。Inreality,shebecamebythemiddleofspringamerelesson-taker。
Herinterestinclothesandingoingaboutrevived。ShesawinthenewspapersthatGeneralSiddallhadtakenapartyoffriendsonayachtingtriparoundtheworld,soshefeltthatshewasnolongerbeingsearchedfor,atleastnotvigorously。Shebecameacquaintedwithsmart,richWestSidewomen,takinglessonsatJennings’s。Sheamusedherselfgoingaboutwiththemandwiththe``musical’’mentheyattracted——amateurandsemi-professionalsingersandplayersuponinstruments。
ShedrewMrs。Brindleyintotheirsociety。TheyhadlittlepartiesattheflatinFifty-ninthStreet——themostdelightfullittlepartiesimaginable——dinnersandsuppers,music,cleverconversations,flirtationsofaharmlessbutfascinatingkind。IfanyonehadaccusedMildredofneglectingherwork,offorgettinghercareer,shewouldhavegrownindignant,andifMrs。Brindleyhadoverheard,shewouldhavebeenindignantforher。
Mildredworkedasmuchasever。Shewasmakingexcellentprogress。Shewasdoingallthatcouldbedone。
Ittakestimetodevelopavoice,tomakeanopera-singer。
Forcingisdangerous,whenitisnotdownrightuseless。
InMay——towardtheendofthemonth——StanleyBairdreturned。Mildred,whohappenedtobeinunusuallygoodvoicethatday,sangforhimattheJenningsstudio,andhewasenchanted。AsthelastnotediedawayhecriedouttoJennings:
``She’sawonder,isn’tshe?’’
Jenningsnodded。``She’sgotavoice,’’saidhe。
``Sheoughttogoonnextyear。’’
``Notquitethat,’’saidJennings。``Wewanttogetthatupperregisterrightfirst。Andit’sayoungvoice——she’sveryyoungforherage。Wemustbecarefulnottostrainit。’’
``Why,what’savoiceforifnottosingwith?’’saidStanley。
``Afinevoiceisaverydelicateinstrument,’’repliedtheteacher。Headdedcoldly,``Youmustletmejudgeastowhatshallbedone。’’
``Certainly,certainly,’’saidStanleyinhaste。
``She’shadseveralcoldsthiswinterandspring,’’
pursuedJennings。``Thosethingsaredangerousuntilthevoicehasitsfullgrowth。Sheshouldhavetwomonths’completerest。’’
Jenningswasgoingawayforatwomonths’vacation。
Hewasgivingthisadvicetoallhispupils。
``You’reright,’’saidBaird。``Didyouhear,Mildred?’’
``ButIhatetostopwork,’’objectedMildred。``I
wanttobedoingsomething。I’mveryimpatientofthislongwait。’’
Andhonestshewasinthisprotest。Shehadnoideaofthestateofherownmind。Shefanciedshewasstillaseageraseverforthecareer,asintenselyinterestedaseverinherwork。Shedidnotdreamoftherealmeaningofhercontentwithhervoiceasitwas,ofherlackofuneasinessovertheappallingfactthatsuchvoiceasshehadwasunreliable,cameandwentfornoapparentreason。
``Absoluterestfortwomonths,’’declaredJenningsgrimly。``NotanoteuntilIreturninAugust。’’
Mildredgavearesignedsigh。
Thereismuchinveighingagainsthypocrisy,aviceunsightlyratherthandesperatelywicked。Andintheexcitementaboutititsdangerous,evendeadlynearkinsman,self-deception,escapesunassailed。Sevencardinalsins。butwhatoftheeighth?——theparentofalltheothers,theonebesidewhichthechildrenseemalmostwhite?
DuringthefirstfewweeksMildredhadbeencarefulaboutspendingmoney。Economyshedidnotunderstand。
howcouldshe,whenshehadneverhadalessoninitoravaluablehintaboutit?Soeconomywasimpossible。Theonlywayinwhichsuchpeoplecankeeporderintheirfinancesisbynotspendinganymoneyatall。Mildreddrewnothing,spentnothing。
This,solongasshegaveherwholemindtoherwork。
Butafterthefirstgreatcold,sodepressing,sosubtlyundermining,shebegantogoabout,tothinkof,toneedandtobuyclothes,tospendmoneyinadozennecessaryways。Afterall,shewassimplyborrowingthemoney。Presently,shewouldbemakingacareer,wouldbeearninglargesums。Shewouldpaybackeverything,withinterest。Stanleymeantforhertousethemoney。Really,sheoughttouseit。Howwouldhercareerbehelpedbyhergoingaboutlookingadowdandafrump?Shehadalwaysbeenusedtothecomfortsoflife。Ifshedeprivedherselfofthem,shewouldsurelygetintoaframeofmindwhereherworkwouldsuffer。No,shemustleadthenormallifeofawomanofherclass。Toworkallthetime——why,asJenningssaid,thattookawayallthefreshness,madeonestaleandunfit。Alittledistraction——always,ofcourse,withmusicalpeople,peoplewhotalkedandthoughtanddidmusic——thatsortofdistractionwasquiteasmuchapartofhereducationasthesinginglessons。Mrs。Brindley,certainlyasensibleandseriouswomanifevertherewasone——Mrs。Brindleybelievedso,anditmustbeso。
Afterthatillnessandbeforeshebegantogoabout,shehadfallenintoseveralfitsofhideousblues,hadbeenindespairastothefuture。Assoonasshesawsomethingofpeople——alwaysthevaluable,musicalsortofpeople——herspiritsimproved。Andwhenshegotafewnewdresses——verysimpleandinexpensive,butstylishandcharming——andthehats,too,weresuccessful——
assoonasshewasfreshlyarrayedshewassingingbetterandwastalkinghopefullyofthecareeragain。Yes,itwasreallynecessarythatsheliveasshehadalwaysbeenusedtoliving。
WhenStanleycamebackheraccountwasdrawnuptothelastcentoftheproportionateamount。Infact,itmighthavebeenafewdollars——ahundredorso——
overdrawn。Shewasnotsure。Still,thatwasasmallmatter。Duringthesummershewouldspendless,andbyfallshewouldbefaraheadagain——andreadytobuyfallclothes。Onedayhesaid:
``Youmustbeneedingmoremoney。’’
``Noindeed,’’criedshe。``I’vebeenlivingwithinthehundredaweek——ornearly。I’mafraidI’mfrightfullyextravagant,and——’’
``Extravagant?’’laughedhe。``Youareafraidtoborrow!Why,threeorfournightsofsingingwillpaybackallyou’veborrowed。’’
``IsupposeIWILLmakealotofmoney,’’saidshe。
``Theyalltellmeso。Butitdoesn’tseemrealtome。’’
Shehastilyadded:``Idon’tmeanthecareer。Thatseemsrealenough。Icanhardlywaittobeginattheroles。Imeanthemoneypart。Yousee,Ineverearnedanymoneyandneverreallyhadanymoneyofmyown。’’
``Well,you’llhaveplentyofitintwoorthreeyears,’’
saidStanley,confidently。``Andyoumustn’ttrytolivelikegirlswho’vebeenbroughtuptohardship。Itisn’tnecessary,anditwouldonlyunfityouforyourwork。’’
``Ithinkthat’strue,’’saidshe。``ButI’veenough——
morethanenough。’’Shegavehimanervous,shy,almostagonizedlook。``Pleasedon’ttrytoputmeunderanyheavierobligationsthanIhavetobe。’’
``Pleasedon’ttalknonsenseaboutobligation,’’
retortedhe。``Let’sgetawayfromthissubject。Youdon’tseemtorealizethatyou’redoingmeafavor,thatit’saprivilegetobeallowedtohelpdevelopsuchamarvelousvoiceasyours。Scoresofpeoplewouldjumpatthechance。’’
``Thatdoesn’tlessenmyobligation,’’saidshe。Andshethoughtshemeantit,though,infact,hisgenerousandplausiblestatementofthecasehadimmediatelylessenednotalittlehersenseofobligation。
Onthewhole,however,shewasnotsorryshehadthischancetotalkofobligation。Slowly,astheysaweachotherfromtimetotime,oftenalone,Stanleyhadbegun——perhapsinspiteofhimselfandunconsciously——toshowhisfeelingforher。Sometimeshishandaccidentallytouchedhers,andhedidnotdrawitawayasquicklyashemight。Andshe——itwasimpossibleforhertomakeanygesture,muchlesssayanything,thatsuggestedsensitivenessonherpart。Itwouldputhiminanawkwardposition,wouldhumiliatehimmostunjustly。Hefellintothehabitofholdingherhandlongerthanwasnecessaryatgreetingorparting,oftouchinghercaressingly,oflookingatherwiththeeyesofaloverinsteadofafriend。Shedidnotlikethesethings。Forsomemysteriousreason——fromsheerperversity,shethought——shehadtakenastrongphysicaldisliketohim。Perfectlyabsurd,fortherewasnothingintrinsicallyrepellentaboutthishandsome,clean,mostattractivelydressedman,ofthebesttypeofAmericanandNew-Yorker。No,onlyperversitycouldexplainsuchasillynotion。Shewasalwaysafraidhewouldtrytotakeadvantageofherdelicateposition——alwaysafraidshewouldhavetoyieldsomething,sometrifle。yettheideaofgivinganythingfromasenseofobligationwasgallingtoher。Hisveryrefrainingmadehermorenervous,themoreshrinking。
Ifhewouldonlycommitsomeovertact——seizeher,kissher,makeoutrageousdemands——butthisrefrain-
ing,thesetouchesthatmightbeaccidentalandagainmightbestealthyapproach——Shehatedtohavehimshakehandswithher,wouldhavelikedtodrawawaywhenhisclothingchancedtobrushagainsthers。
Soshewasgladofthetalkaboutobligation。Itsethimatadistance,immediately。Heceasedtolooklovingly,toindulgeinthenerve-raspinglittlecaresses。
Hebecamecarefullyformal。Hewasevidentlyeagertoprovethesincerityofhisprotestations——tooeagerperhaps,herperversemindsuggested。Still,sincereornot,heheldtoalltheformsofsincerity。
SomefriendsofMrs。Brindley’swhoweregoingabroadofferedhertheircottageontheNewJerseycoastnearSeabright,andabignewtouring-carandchauffeur。SheandMildredatoncegaveuptheplanforasummerintheAdirondacks,themorereadilyasseveralofthemenandwomentheysawthemostoflivedwithineasydistanceofthematDealBeachandElberon。WhenMildredwentshoppingshewasluredintobuyingalotofsummerthingsshewouldnothaveneededintheAdirondacks——amerematteroftwohundredandfiftydollarsorthereabouts。Alittleadditionaleconomyinthefallwouldsoonmakeupforsuchatrifle,andifthereisonetimemorethananotherwhenawomanwishestolookwellandmustlookwell,thattimeissummer——especiallybythesea。
WhenhermonthlystatementfromthebankcameonthefirstofJulyshefoundthatfivethousanddollarshadbeendepositedtohercredit。Shewasmovedbythisdiscoverytodevoteseveralhours——verydepressedhourstheywere——toherfinances。Shehadspentagreatdealmoremoneythanshehadthought。indeed,sinceMarchshehadbeenlivingattherateoffifteenthousandayear。Shetriedtoaccountforthisamazingextravagance。Butshecouldrecallnoexpenditurethatwasnotreallyalmost,ifnotquite,necessary。IttookafrightfullotofmoneytoliveinNewYork。
HowDIDpeoplewithsmallincomesmanagetogetalong?
WhateverwouldhavebecomeofherifshehadnothadthegoodlucktobeabletoborrowfromStanley?Whatwouldbecomeofherif,beforeshewassucceedingonthestage,Stanleyshoulddieorlosefaithinherorinterestinher?Whatwouldbecomeofher!Shehadbeenlivingtheselastfewmonthsamongpeoplewhohadwide-openeyesandkneweverythingthatwasgoingon——anddidsome``going-on’’themselves,asshewasnowmorethansuspecting。Thereweremanywomen,thousandsofthem——amongtheattractive,costilydressedthrongsshesawinthecarriagesandautosandcabs——whowouldnotliketohaveitpublishedhowtheycontrivedtolivesoluxuriously。No,theywouldnotliketohaveitpublished,thoughtheycarednotafigforitsbeingwhispered。NewYorktoothoroughlyunderstoodhownecessaryluxuriouslivingwas,andwastoocompletelydivestedofthefolliesoftheold-fashioned,straight-lacedmorality,tomindlittleshabbydetailsofqueerconductinstrivingtokeepupwiththeprocession。Eventhemarriedwomen,usingtheirhusbands——andlettingtheirhusbandsusethem——didnotfrownontheirregularitiesoftheirsisterslessfortunatelymarriedornotabletofindapermanent``legtopull。’’Asforthegirls——Mildredhadobservedstrangethingsinthelivesofthegirlssheknewmoreorlesswellnowadays。Infact,allthewomen,ofallclassesandconditions,wereengagedinthesamemadstruggletogetholdofmoneytospenduponfunandfinery——astrugglematchinginrecklessnessandresolutenessthestruggleofthemendown-townformoneyforthesamepurposes。Itwascurious,thisdoublemaniaofthemenandthewomen——themaniatogetmoney,nomatterhow。theinstantlysucceedingmaniatogetridofit,nomatterhow。Lookingabouther,Mildredfeltthatshewaspeculiarandapartfromnearlyallthewomensheknew。SHEgothermoneyhonorably。
SHEdidnotdegradeherself,didnotsellherself,didnotwheedleorcajoleorpretendintheleastdegree。ShehadgrownmoreliberalasheroutlookonlifehadwidenedwithcontactwiththeNewYorkmind——no,withthemindofthewholeeasy-going,luxury-mad,morality-scorningmodernworld。Shestillkeptherstandardforherselfhigh,andbelievedinapurityforherselfwhichshedidnotexactorexpectinherfriends。
InthisrespectsheandCyrillaBrindleyweresympatheticallyalike。No,Mildredwasconfidentthatinnocircumstances,inNOcircumstances,wouldsherelaxherideasofwhatshepersonallycoulddoandcouldnotdo。
Notthatsheblamed,orjudgedatall,womenwhodidasshewouldnot。butshecouldnot,simplycouldnot,howeverhardshemightbedriven,dothosethings——
thoughshecouldeasilyunderstandhowotherwomendidtheminpreferencetosinkingdownintotheworkingclassorekingoutafrowsyexistenceinsomepoorboarding-house。Thetemptationwouldbegreat。
ThankHeaven,itwasnotteasingher。Shewouldresistit,ofcourse。But——
WhatifStanleyBairdshouldloseinterest?Whatif,afterhelostinterest,sheshouldfindherselfwithoutmoney,worseofthanshehadbeenwhenshesoldherselfintoslavery——highlymoralandconventionallycorrectslavery,butstillslavery——tothelittlegeneralwiththepeakedpink-silknightcaphidingtheabsenceoftheremovedtoupee——andwiththewonderfulpink-silkpajamas,gorgeouslymonogramedinviolet——
andthetinyfeetanduglyhands——andthoseloathsomeneedle-pointedmustachesandthehideoushabitofmumblinghistongueandsmackinghislips?Whatif,moneyless,sheshouldnotbeabletofindanotherStanleyoramanoftheclassgentlemanwillingtohelphergenerouslyevenonANYterms?Whatthen?
Shewaslookingoutoverthesea,herbank-bookandstatementsandcanceledchecksinherlap。Theircottagewasattheveryedgeofthestrand。itsverandawasoftendampfromsprayafterastorm。Itwasnotstormingasshesatthere,``takingstock’’。underablueskyanalmosttranquilseawascrooningsoftlyinthesunlight,innocentandhappyandplayfulasachild。
She,dressedinacharmingnegligeeandlookingforwardtoamerrydayintheauto,withlunchanddinneratattractive,luxuriousplacesfartherdownthecoast——
shewasstrickenwithahorriblesadness,withaterrorthatmadeherheartbeatwildly。
``Imustbecrazy!’’shesaid,halfaloud。``I’veneverearnedadollarwithmyvoice。Andfortwomonthsithasbeenunreliable。I’mactinglikeacrazyperson。WhatWILLbecomeofme?’’
JustthenStanleyBairdcamethroughtheprettylittlehouse,seekingher。``Thereyouare!’’hecried。``Dogogetdressed。’’
Hastilysheflungascarfoverthebookandpapersinherlap。Shehadintendedtospeaktohimaboutthatfreshdepositoffivethousanddollars——torefuseit,torebukehim。Nowshedidnotdare。
``What’sthematter?’’hewenton。``Headache?’’
``Itwasthewineatdinnerlastnight,’’explainedshe。
``Ioughtnevertotouchredwine。Itdisagreeswithmehorribly。’’
``Thatwasfilthystuff,’’saidhe。``Youmusttakesomechampagneatlunch。That’llsetyouright。’’
Shestealthilywoundthescarfaboutthepapers。
Whenshefeltthatallweresecuresherose。Shewaslookingsweetandsadandpeculiarlybeautiful。Therewasanexquisitesheenonherskin。Shehadwashedherhairthatmorning,anditwasstrayingfascinatinglyaboutherbrowandearsandneck。Bairdlookedather,loweredhiseyesandcolored。
``I’llnotbelong,’’shesaidhurriedly。
Shehadtopasshimintherathernarrowdoorway。
Fromhergarmentsshookadeliciousperfume。Hecaughtherinhisarms。Thebloodhadflushedintohisfaceinatorrent,swellingouttheveins,givinghimadistortedandwildexpression。
``Mildred!’’hecried。``Saythatyoulovemealittle!I’msolonelyforyou——sohungryforyou!’’
Shegrewcoldwithfearandwithrepulsion。Sheneitheryieldedtohisembracenorshookitoff。Shesimplystood,herroundsmoothbodyhardthoughcorsetless。
Hekissedheronthethroat,kissedthelaceoverherbosom,cryingoutinarticulately。Inthefrenzyofhispassionhedidnotforawhilerealizeherlackofresponse。Ashefeltit,hisarmsrelaxed,droppedawayfromher,fellathisside。Hehunghishead。Hewasbreathingsoheavilythatsheglancedintothehouseapprehensively,fearingsomeoneelsemighthear。
``Ibegpardon,’’hemuttered。``Youweretoomuchformethismorning。Itwasyourfault。Youaremaddening!’’
Shemovedonintothehouse。
``Waitaminute!’’hecalledafterher。
Shehalted,hesitating。
``Comeback,’’hesaid。``I’vegotsomethingtosaytoyou。’’
Sheturnedandwentbacktotheveranda,heretreatingbeforeherandhiseyessinkingbeforethecold,clearblueofhers。
``You’regoingup,nottocomedownagain,’’hesaid。
``YouthinkI’veinsultedyou——thinkI’veactedoutrageously。’’
Howgladshewasthathehadsomisreadherthoughts——hadnotdiscoveredthefear,theweakness,thesuddencollapseofallherboastedconfidenceinherstrengthofcharacter。
``You’llneverfeelthesametowardmeagain,’’hewentfatuouslyon。``YouthinkI’mafraud。Well,I’lladmitthatIaminlovewithyou——havebeeneversincethesteamer——alwayswascrazyaboutthatmouthofyours——andyourfigure,andthesoundofyourvoice。I’lladmitI’manutterfoolaboutyou——respectyouandtrustyouasIneverusedtothinkanywomandeservedtoberespectedandtrusted。I’llevenadmitthatI’vebeenhoping——allsortsofthings。Iknewawomanlikeyouwouldn’tletamanhelpherunlessshelovedhim。’’
Atthisherheartbeatwildlyandablushofshamepouredoverherfaceandneck。Hedidnotsee。Hehadnotthecouragetolookather——tofacethatexpressionoftheviolatedgoddesshefeltconfidentherfacewaswearing。Inlove,hereasonedandfeltaboutherlikeaninexperiencedboy,allhisexperiencegoingfornothing。Hewenton:
``Iunderstandwecanneverbeanythingtoeachotheruntilyou’reonthestageandarrived。I’dnothaveitotherwise,ifIcould。ForIwantYOU,andI’dneverbelieveIhadyouunlessyouwerefree。’’
Thecolorwasfadingfromhercheeks。Atthisitflusheddeeperthanbefore。Shemustspeak。Nottospeakwastolie,wastoplaythehypocrite。Yetspeakshedarednot。AtleastStanleyBairdwasbetterthanSiddall。Anyhow,whowasshe,thathadbeenthewifeofSiddall,tobesofinicky?
``Youdon’tbelieveme?’’hesaidmiserably。``YouthinkI’llforgetmyselfsometimeagain?’’
``Ihopenot,’’shesaidgently。``Ibelievenot。I
trustyou,Stanley。’’
Andshewentintothehouse。Helookedafterher,inadmirationofthesweetandpurecalmofthisquietrebuke。Shetriedtotakethesameexaltedviewofitherself,butshecouldnotfoolherselfjustthenwiththefamiliar``goodwoman’’fake。Sheknewthatshehadstrucktheflagofself-respect。Sheknewwhatshewouldreallyhavedonehadhebeenlessdelicate,lessinlove,andmore``practical。’’Andshefoundasmallandpoorconsolationinreflecting,``Iwonderhowmanywomentherearewhotakehighgroundbecauseitcostsnothing。’’Wearepronetosuspecteverybodyofanyweaknesswefindinourselves——andperhapswearenotsofarwrongasarethosewhoacceptwithoutquestionthenoisyprotestationsofaworldofself-deceivers。
ThenceforthsheandStanleygotonbetterthanever——apparently。Butthoughsheignoredit,sheknewthetruth——knewhernewanddeepcontentwasduetohernothavingchallengedhisassertionthatshelovedhim。He,believingherhonestandhighminded,assumedthatthefailuretochallengewasagoodwoman’swayofadmitting。Butwiththedayofreckoning——
notonlywithhimbutalsowithherownself-
respect——putoffuntilthatvagueandremotetimewhensheshouldbeasuccessfulprimadonna,shegaveherselfuptoenjoyment。Thatwasasummerofrarelyfineweather,particularlyfinealongtheJerseycoast。They——alwaysingayparties——motoredupanddownthecoastandinland。Severalofthe``musical’’men——
notablyRichardsonofElberon——hadplentyofmoney。
Stanley,stoppingwithhiscousins,theFrasers,ontheRumsonRoad,broughtseveralofhisfriends,allrichandmoreorlessfree。AseverymomentofMildred’sdaywasfullandasitwasimpossiblenottosleepandsleepwellinthatoceanair,withthesurfsoothingthenervesasthelullabyofanursesoothesababy,shewasabletoputeverythingunpleasantoutofmind。Shewasrestinghervoice,wasbuildingupherhealth。
thereforethecareerwasbeingsteadilyadvancedandnotimewasbeingwasted。Shefeltsorryforthosewhohadtodounpleasantordisagreeablethingsinmakingtheircareers。Shetoldherselfthatshedidnotdeservehergoodfortuneinbeingabletoadvancetoabrilliantcareernotthroughhardshipbutoverthemostdelightfulroadimaginable——amusingherself,wearingcharmingandsatisfactoryclothes,swimminganddancing,motoringandfeasting。Withoutrealizingit,shewasstronglyunderthedelusionthatshewasherselfalreadyrich——theinevitabledelusionwithawomanwhenshemoveseasilyandfreelyandluxuriouslyabout,neverbotheredformoney,alwaysinthecompanyofrichpeople。Thericharefatedtodemoralizethosearoundthem。Thestingyrichfilltheirsatelliteswithenvyandhatred。Thegenerousrichfillthemwiththefeelingthatthelightbywhichtheyshineandtheheatwithwhichtheyarewarmarenotreflectedlightandheatbuttheirown。
Neverhadshebeensohappy。SheevendidnotespeciallymindDonaldKeith,afriendofStanley’sandofMrs。Brindley’s,who,muchtoooftentosuither,madeoneoftheparty。ShehadtriedinvaintodiscoverwhattherewasinKeiththatinspiredsuchintenselikingintwopeoplesowidelydifferentasexpansiveandemotionalStanleyBairdandreservedanddistinctlycoldCyrillaBrindley。Keithtalkedlittle,notonlyseemednottolistenwell,butshowedplainly,evenintete-a-teteconversations,thathisthoughtshadbeenelsewhere。
Hemadenopretenseofbeingotherthanhewas——anindifferentmanwhocamebecauseitdidnotespeciallymattertohimwherehewas。SometimeshissilenceandhisindifferenceannoyedMildred。again——thankstoherprofoundandrecklesscontentment——shewasabletoforgetthathewasalong。Heseemedtobeandprobablywasaboutfortyyearsold。Hisheadwasbeautifullyshaped,thelineofitsprofile——front,top,andback——beingperfectinintellectuality,strengthandsymmetry。Hewasratherunderthemediumheight,aboutthesameheightasMildredherself。Hewasextremelythinandlooselybuilt,andhisclothesseemedtohangawry,givinghimanairofslovenlinesswhichbecamesurprisingwhenonenotedhowscrupulouslyneatandcleanhewas。Hisbrownhair,considerablytingedwithrustygray,grewthinlyuponthatbeautifulhead。Hisskinwasdryandsmoothanddeadwhite。
This,takenwiththeclassicregularityofhisfeatures,gavehimanairoflifelessness,ofoneburntoutbythefireoftoomuchliving。butwhetherthelivinghadbeendonebyKeithhimselforbyhisimmediateancestorsappearancesdidnotdisclose。Thislookofpassionless,motionlessrepose,likeclassicsculpture,wassharplyandstartlinglybeliedbyapairofreallywonderfuleyes——
deeplyandintenselyblue,brilliant,allseeing,allcomprehending,eyesthatseemednevertosleep,seemedtheceaselesslyindustriousservantsofabrainthatbusieditselfwithoutpause。Thecontrastbetweenthedeadwhitecalmofhisface,thelistlessnessofhisrelaxedfigure,andthesevivideyes,sointenselyalive,gavetoDonaldKeith’spersonalityanuncanninessthatwasmostdisagreeabletoMildred。
``That’swhatfascinatesme,’’saidCyrilla,whentheywerediscussinghimoneday。
``Fascinates!’’exclaimedMildred。``He’stiresome——
whenheisn’trude。’’
``Rude?’’
``Notactivelyrudebut,worsestill,passivelyrude。’’
``HeistheonlymanI’veeverseenwithwhomIcouldimaginemyselffallinginlove,’’saidMrs。Brindley。
Mildredlaughedinderision。``Why,he’sadeadman!’’criedshe。
``Youdon’tunderstand,’’saidCyrilla。``You’veneverlivedwithaman。’’Sheforgotcompletely,asdidMildredherself,socompletelyhadMrs。Siddallreturnedtothemodesandthoughtsofagirl。``Athome——tolivewith——youwantonlyreposefulthings。ThatiswhytheGreeks,whoseinstinctswereunerring,hadsomuchreposefulstatuary。Onegrowswearyofagitatingobjects。Theysoonseemhystericalandshallow。
Thesamething’strueofpersons。Forpermanentloveandfriendshipyouwantreposefulmen——
calm,strong,silent。Theotherkindeitherwearyououtorwearthemselvesoutwithyou。’’
``Youforgethiseyes,’’putinStanley。``Didyoueverseesucheyes!’’
``Yes,thoseeyesofhis!’’criedMildred。``Youcertainlycan’tcallthemreposeful,Mrs。Brindley。’’
Mrs。Brindleydidnotseizetheopportunitytoconvictherofinconsistency。Saidshe:
``Iadmittheeyes。They’retheeyesofthekindofmanawomanwants,oranothermanwantsinhisfriend。
WhenKeithlooksatyou,youfeelthatyouareseeingtherarestbeingintheworld——anabsolutelyreliableperson。WhenIthinkofhimIthinkofreliable,justaswhenyouthinkofthesunyouthinkofbrightness。’’
``Ihadnoideaitwassoseriousasthis,’’teasedStanley。
``NorhadI,’’returnedCyrillaeasily,``untilIbegantotalkabouthim。Don’ttellhim,Mr。Baird,orhemighttakeadvantageofme。’’
TheideaamusedStanley。``Hedoesn’tcarearapaboutwomen,’’saidhe。``Ihearhehasletafewcareabouthimfromtimetotime,buthesoonceasedtobegood-natured。Hehatestobebored。’’
Ashecamejustthen,theyhadtofindanothersubject。Mildredobservedhimwithmoreinterest。ShehadlearnedtohaverespectforMrs。Brindley’sjudgments。Butshesoongaveoverwatchinghim。Thatprofoundcalm,thoseeyesconcentratingallthelifeofthemanlikeaburningglass——Shehadadisagreeablesenseofbeingseenthrough,eventohersecretestthought,ofbeingunderstoodandmeasuredandweighed——andfoundwanting。Itoccurredtoherforthefirsttimethatpartofthereasonforhernotlikinghimwasthebestofreasons——thathedidnotlikeher。
Thefirsttimeshewasleftalonewithhim,afterthisdiscovery,shehappenedtobeinanaudaciousandtalkativemood,andhislackofresponsefinallygoadedherintosaying:``WHYdon’tyoulikeme?’’Shecarednothingaboutit。shesimplywishedtohearwhathewouldsay——ifhecouldberousedintosayinganything。
Hewassittingonthestepsleadingfromtheverandatothesea——wassmokingacigaretteandgazingoutoverthewaveslikeagravenimage,asifhehadalwaysbeenposedthereandalwayswouldbethere,theembodimentofreposegazinginineffableindifferenceupontheembodimentofitsopposite。Hemadenoanswer。
``Iaskedyouwhyyoudonotlikeme,’’saidshe。
``Didyouhear?’’
``Yes,’’repliedhe。
Shewaited。nothingfurtherfromhim。Saidshe:
``Well,givemeoneofyourcigarettes。’’
Herose,extendedhiscase,thenalight。Hewasneverremissinthosekindsofpoliteness。Whenshewassmoking,heseatedhimselfagainanddroppedintotheformerattitude。Sheeyedhim,wonderinghowitcouldbepossiblethathehadenduredtheincrediblefatiguesandhardshipsStanleyBairdhadrelatedofhim——huntingandexploringexpeditionsintotropicsandintofrozenregions,mountainclimbs,wildseavoyagesinsmallboats,allwithnosignofbeingabletostandanything,yetalsowithnosignofbeinganymoredisturbedthannowinthisseasidelaziness。Stanleyhadshowedthemapictureofhimtakentwentyyearsandmoreagowhenhewasincollege。hehadlookedalmostthesamethen——perhapsalittleolder。
``Well,Iamwaiting,’’persistedshe。
Shethoughthewasabouttolookather——athinghehadneverdone,toherknowledge,sincetheyhadknowneachother。Shenervedherselftoreceivetheshock,withacertainflutterofexpectancy,ofexcitementeven。Butinsteadoflooking,hesettledhimselfinaslightlydifferentpositionandfixedhisgazeuponanotherpointinthehorizon。Shenotedthathehadsplendidhands——idealhandsforaman,withthesamesuggestionofintensevitalityandalivenessthatflashedfromhiseyes。Shehadnotnotedthisbefore。Nextshesawthathehadgoodfeet,andthathisbootswerehisonlyarticleofapparelthatfittedhim,orrather,thatlookedasifmadeforhim。
Shetossedhercigaretteovertherailtothesand。
Hestartledherbyspeaking,inhisunemotionalway。
Hesaid:
``Now,Ilikeyoubetter。’’
``Idon’tunderstand,’’saidshe。
Noanswerfromhim。Thecigarettedependinglistlesslyfromhislipsseemed——asusual——uncertainwhetheritwouldstayorfall。Shewatchedthisuncertaintywithacurious,nervousinterest。Shewasalwaysthinkingthatcigarettewouldfall,butitneverdid。
Saidshe:
``Whydidyousayyoulikedmeless?’’
``Better,’’correctedhe。
``Weusedtohaveapumpinourbackyardathome,’’
laughedshe。``Onetoiledawayatthehandle,butnothingevercame。Anditwasapromising-lookingpump,too。’’
Hesmiled——aslow,reluctantsmile,butundeniablyattractive。Saidhe:
``Becauseyouthrewawayyourcigarette。’’
``Youobjecttowomensmoking?’’
``No,’’saidhe。Histonemadeherfeelhowabsurditwastosuspecthimofsuchprovincialism。
``YouobjecttoMYsmoking?’’suggestedshe。
laughing,``Pump!Pump!’’
``No,’’saidhe。
``Thenyourremarkmeantnothingatall?’’
Hewassilent。
``Youarerude,’’saidshecoldly,risingtogointothehouse。
Hesaidsomething,whatshedidnothear,inheragitation。Shepausedandinquired:
``Whatdidyousay?’’
``Isaid,Iamnotrudebutkind,’’repliedhe。
``Thatisdetestable!’’criedshe。``Ihavenotlikedyou,butIhavebeenpolitetoyoubecauseofStanleyandMrs。Brindley。Whyshouldyoubeinsultingtome?’’
``WhathaveIdone?’’inquiredhe,unmoved。Hehadrisenassherose,butinsteadoffacingherhewasleaningagainstthepostoftheveranda,bentuponhisseawardvigil。
``Youhaveinsinuatedthatyourreasonsfornotlikingmewereareflectiononme。’’
``Youinsisted,’’saidhe。
``Youmeanthattheyare?’’demandedshefuriously。
Shewasamazedatherwild,unaccountablerage。
Heslowlyturnedhisheadandlookedather——aglancewithoutanyemotionwhatever,simplyalookthat,likethebeamofapowerfulsearchlight,seemedtothrustthroughfoganddarknessandtolightupeverythinginitspath。Saidhe:
``DoyouwishmetotellyouwhyIdon’tlikeyou?’’
``No!’’shecriedhysterically。``Nevermind——I
don’tknowwhatI’msaying。’’Andshewenthastilyintothehouse。Amomentlater,inherownroomupstairs,shewaswonderingatherself。Whyhadshebecomeconfused?Whatdidhemean?Whathadsheseen——orhalfseen——inthedarknessandfogwithinherselfwhenhelookedather?Inapassionshecried:
``Ifhewouldonlystayaway!’’
VI
BUThedidnotstayaway。HeownedandlivedinasmallhouseupontheRumsonRoad。Whilethehousewaslittlemorethanabungalowandhadasimplicitythatcompletelyhiditsraregoodtastefromtheaverageobserver,itsgroundswerethemostspaciousinthatneighborhoodofcostly,showyhousessetingroundsnotmuchmoreextensivethanacitybuildinglot。Thegroundshadbeenclearedanddrainedtodriveoutandtokeepouttheobnoxiousinsectlife,buthadbeenleftaforest,concealingthehousefromtheroads。StanleyBairdwasnowstoppingwithKeith,andbroughthimalongtothecottagebytheseaeveryday。
Thepartiesnarrowedtothesamefourpersons。Mrs。
BrindleyseemednevertotireoftalkingtoKeith——
ortotireoftalkingabouthimwhenthetwomenhadleft,lateeachnight。AsforStanley,hereferredeverythingtoKeith——theweatherprospects,wheretheyshouldgofortheday,whatshouldbeeatenanddrunk,anypointaboutpoliticsorfashion,lifeorliteratureorwhatnot,thathappenedtobediscussed。AndhelookeduponDonald’smonosyllabicreplytohisinquiryasafinaljudgment,endingallpossibilityofargument。
Mildredheldoutlong。Then,inspiteofherself,shebegantoyield,ceasedtodislikehim,foundakindofpleasure——or,perhaps,fascinatedinterest——inthenervousnesshissilentandindifferentpresencecausedher。Shelikedtowatchthatimmobile,perfectprofile,neitheryoungnorold,indeednotsuggestingageinanydegree,butonlyexperienceandknowledge——andaninfinitecapacityforemotion,forpassioneven。Thedead-whitecolordeclaredithadalreadybeenlived。
thebrilliant,usuallyavertedorveiledeyesassertedpresentvitality,pulsingunderacalmsurface。
OnedaywhenStanley,inthemannerofonewhowishesathingsettledandsettledright,saidhewouldaskDonaldKeithaboutit,Mildred,alittlepiqued,alittleamused,retorted:
``Andwhatwillheanswer?Why,simplyyesorno。’’
``That’sall,’’assentedStanley。``Andthat’squiteenough,isn’tit?’’
``Buthowdoyouknowhe’saswiseashepretends?’’
``Hedoesn’tpretendtobeanythingortoknowanything。That’spreciselyit。’’
MildredsuddenlybegantolikeKeith。Shehadneverthoughtofthisbefore。Yes,itwastrue,hedidnotpretend。Notintheleast,notaboutanything。Whenyousawhim,yousawatoncetheworsttherewastosee。Itwasafterwardthatyoudiscoveredhewasnotslovenly,butcleanandneat,notbadlybutwelldressed,nothomelybuthandsome,notsicklybutsoundlywell,notphysicallyweakbutstrong,notdullbutvividlyalive,notatiresomevoidbutanunfathomablemystery。
``Whatdoeshedo?’’sheaskedMrs。Brindley。
Cyrilla’susuallypositivegrayeyeslookedvague。
Shesmiled。``Ineverasked,’’saidshe。``I’veknownhimnearlythreeyears,anditneveroccurredtometoask,ortowonder。Isn’tthatstrange?Usuallyaboutthefirstinquirywemakeiswhatamandoes。’’
``I’llaskStanley,’’saidMildred。Andshedidaboutanhourlater,whentheywereinthesurftogether,withtheothertwooutofearshot。SaidStanley:
``He’salawyer,ofcourse。Also,he’swrittenanovelortwoandabookofpoems。I’veneverreadthem。
Somehow,Inevergetaroundtoreading。’’
``Oh,he’salawyer?That’sthewayhemakeshisliving。’’
``Aqueerkindoflawyer。Henevergoestocourt,andhisclientsarealmostallotherlawyers。Theygotohimtogethimtotellthemwhattodo,andwhatnottodo。He’sgotabigreputationamonglawyers,FredNormantellsme,butmakescomparativelylittle,asheeithercan’torwon’tchargewhatheought。I
toldhimwhatNormansaid,andheonlysmiledinthatqueerwayhehas。Isaid:`Youmaketwentyorthirtythousandayear。Yououghttomaketentimesthat。’’’
``Andwhatdidheanswer?’’askedMildred。``Nothing?’’
``Hesaid:`ImakeallIwant。IfItookinmore,I’dbebotheredgettingridofitorinvestingit。IcanalwaysmakeallI’llwant——unlessIgocrazy。Andwhatcouldacrazymandowithmoney?Itdoesn’tcostanythingtoliveinalunaticasylum。’’’
Severalitemsofinteresttoaddtothoseshehadcollected。Hecouldtalkbrilliantly,buthepreferredsilence。Hecouldmakehimselfattractivetowomenandtomen,buthepreferredtobedetached。Hecouldbeagreatlawyer,buthepreferredthequietofobscurity。
Hecouldbearichman,buthepreferredtobecomparativelypoor。
SaidMildred:``Isupposesomewoman——somedisappointmentinlove——haskilledambition,andeverythinglikethat。’’
``Idon’tthinkso,’’repliedBaird。``Themenwhoknewhimasaboysayhewasalwaysasheisnow。HelivedintheArabiandesertfortwoyears。’’
``Whydidn’thestay?’’laughedMildred。``Thatlifewouldexactlysuithim。’’
``Itdid,’’saidStanley。``Buthisfatherdied,andhehadtocomehomeandsupporthismother——untilshedied。That’sthewayhiswholelifehasbeen。
Hedriftsinthecurrentofcircumstances。Hemightlethimselfbeblownawayto-morrowtotheotherendoftheearthandstayawayyears——ornevercomeback。’’
``Buthowwouldhelive?’’
``Onhiswits。Andaswelloraspoorlyashecared。
He’sthesortofmaneveryoneinstinctivelyasksadviceof——me,you,hisvalet,thefarmerwhomeetshimataboundaryfence,thefellowwhositsnesthiminatrain——anyone。’’
Mildreddidnotmerelyceasetodislikehim。shewentfarther,andrapidly。Shebegantolikehim,tocircleroundthattantalizing,indolentmysteryasadeeraboutaqueerbitofbrushintheundergrowth。Shelikedtowatchhim。Shewasalternatelyafraidtotalkbeforehimandrecklesslyconfidential——allwithnoresponseorsignofinterestfromhim。Ifshewassilent,whentheywerealonetogether,hewassilent,too。Ifshetalked,stillhewassilent。WhatWAShethinkingabout?
Whatdidhethinkofher?——thatespecially。
``WhatAREyouthinking?’’sheinterruptedherselftosayoneafternoonastheysattogetheronthestrandunderabigsunshade。Shehadbeentalkingonandonabouthercareer——talkingconceitedly,ashersubjectintoxicatedher——tellinghimwhattriumphsawaitedherassoonassheshouldbereadytodebut。Ashedidnotanswer,sherepeatedherquestion,adding:
``Iknewyouweren’tlisteningtome,orIshouldn’thavehadthecouragetosaythefoolishthingsIdid。’’
``No,Iwasn’t,’’admittedhe。
``Whynot?’’
``Forthereasonyougave。’’
``ThatwhatIsaidwas——justtalk?’’
``Yes。’’
``Youdon’tbelieveI’lldothosethings?’’
``Doyou?’’
``I’veGOTtobelieveit,’’saidshe。``IfIdidn’t——’’
Shecametoafullstop。
``Ifyoudidn’t,thenwhat?’’Itwasthefirsttimehehadeverflatteredherwithinterestenoughtoaskheraquestionaboutherself。
``IfIdidn’tbelieveIwasgoingtosucceed——andsucceedbig——’’shebegan。Afterapause,sheadded,``I’dnotdaresayit。’’
``Orthinkit,’’saidhe。
Shecolored。``Whatdoyoumean?’’sheasked。
Hedidnotreply。
``Whatdoyoumean,Mr。Keith?’’sheurged。
``Youarealwaysaskingmequestionstowhichyoualreadyknowtheanswer,’’saidhe。
``You’rereferringtoaweekorsoago,whenIaskedyouwhyyoudislikedme?’’
Noanswer。Nosignofhavingheard。Nooutwardsignofinterestinanything,eveninthecigarettedroopingfromthecornerofhismouth。
``Wasn’tthatit?’’sheinsisted。
``Youarealwaysaskingmequestionstowhichyoualreadyknowtheanswer,’’repeatedhe。
``Iamannoyingyou?’’
Noanswer。
Shelaughed。``Doyouwantmetogoawayandleaveyouinpeacewiththat——lawcase——orwhateveritis?’’
``Idon’tliketobealone。’’
``Butanyonewoulddo?——adog?’’
Noreply。
``Youmean,adogwouldbebetterbecauseitdoesn’taskquestionstowhichitknowstheanswer。’’
Noreply。
``Well,Ihaveapleasant-soundingvoice。AsI’msayingnothing,itmaybesoothing——likethesoundofthewaves。I’velearnedtotakeyouasyouare。I
ratherlikeyourpose。’’
Noreply。Nosignthathewaseventemptedtorisetothisbaitandprotest。
``Butyoudon’tlikemine,’’shewenton。``Yes,itisapose。ButI’vegottokeepitup,andtopretendtomyselfthatitisn’t。Anditisn’taltogether。Ishallbeasuccessfulsinger。’’
``When?’’saidhe。Actuallyhewaslistening!
Sheanswered:``In——abouttwoyears,Ithink。’’
Nocomment。
``Youdon’tbelieveit?’’
``Doyou?’’Apause。``Whyaskthesequestionsyou’vealreadyansweredyourself?’’
``I’lltellyouwhy,’’repliedshe,herfacesuddenlyflushedwithearnestness。``BecauseIwantyoutohelpme。Youhelpeveryoneelse。Whynotme?’’
``Youneveraskedme,’’saidhe。
``Ididn’tknowIwantedituntiljustnow——asI
saidit。ButYOUmusthaveknown,becauseyouaresomuchmoreexperiencedthanI——andunderstandpeople——what’sgoingonintheirminds,deeperthantheycansee。’’Hertonebecameindignant,reproachful。
``Yes,youmusthaveknownIneededyourhelp。
Andyououghttohavehelpedme,evenifyoudiddislikeme。You’venorighttodislikeanyoneasyoungasI。’’
Hewaslookingathernow,theintenselyaliveblueeyessympathetic,penetrating,understanding。Itwasfrightfultobesothoroughlyunderstood——allone’sweaknesseslaidbare——yetitwasareliefandajoy,too——likethecruelhealingknifeofthesurgeon。Saidhe:
``Idonotlikekeptwomen。’’
Shegasped,grewghastly。Itwasafrightfulinsult,oneforwhichshewaswhollyunprepared。``You——
believe——that?’’shesaidslowly。
``Anotherofthosequestions,’’hesaid。Andhelookedcalmlyaway,outoverthesea,asifhisinterestintheconversationwereatanend。
Whatshouldshesay?Howdeny——howconvincehim?Forconvincehimshemust,andthengoawayandneverpermithimtospeaktoheragainuntilhehadapologized。Shesaidquietly:``Mr。Keith,youhaveinsultedme。’’
``Idonotlikekeptwomen,eitherwithorwithoutalicense,’’saidheinthesameeven,indifferentway。
``Whenyouceasedtobeakeptwoman,Iwouldhelpyou,ifIcould。Butnoonecanhelpakeptwoman。’’
Therewasnothingtodobuttoriseandgoaway。
Sheroseandwenttowardthehouse。Attheverandashepaused。Hehadnotmoved。Shereturned。Hewasstillinspectingthehorizon,thecigarettedependingfromhislips——howDIDhekeepitalight?Shesaid:
``Mr。Keith,Iamsureyoudidnotmeantoinsultme。
Whatdidyoumean?’’
``Anotherofthosequestions,’’saidhe。
``Honestly,Idonotunderstand。’’
``Thenthink。Andwhenyouhavethought,youwillunderstand。’’
``ButIhavethought。Idonotunderstand。’’
``Thenitwouldbeuselesstoexplain,’’saidhe。
``Thatisoneofthosevitalthingswhich,ifonecannotunderstandthemforoneself,oneishopeless——isbeyondhelping。’’
``YoumeanIamnotinearnestaboutmycareer?’’
``Anotherofthosequestions。IfyouhadnotseenclearlywhatImeant,youwouldhavebeenreallyoffended。You’dhavegoneawayandnotcomeback。’’
Shesawthatthiswastrue。And,seeing,shewonderedhowshecouldhavebeensostupidasnottohaveseenitatonce。Shehadyettolearnthatoverlookingtheobviousisauniversalhumanfailingandthatseeingtheobviousisthetalentandtheuseofthesuperiorofearth——thefewwhodominateanddeterminetherace。
``Youreproachmefornothavinghelpedyou,’’hewenton。``Howdoesithappenthatyouareuneasyinmind——souneasythatyouarequarrelingatme?’’
Alightbrokeuponher。``Youhavebeendrawingmeon,fromthebeginning,’’shecried。``Youhavebeenhelpingme——makingmeseethatIneededhelp。’’
``No,’’saidhe。``I’vebeenwaitingtoseewhetheryouwouldrousefromyourdreamofgrandeur。’’
``YOUhavebeenrousingme。’’
``No,’’hesaid。``You’verousedyourself。Soyoumaybeworthhelpingor,rather,worthencouraging,fornoonecanHELPyoubutyourself。’’
Shelookedathimpathetically。``ButwhatshallI
do?’’sheasked。``I’vegotnomoney,noexperience,nosense。I’mavain,luxury-lovingfool,cursedwitha——witha——isitaconscience?’’
``Ihopeit’ssomethingmoresubstantial。Ihopeit’scommonsense。’’
``ButIhavebeenworking——honestlyIhave。’’
``Don’tbeginlyingtoyourselfagain。’’
``Don’tbeharshwithme。’’
Hedrewinhislegs,inpreparationforrising——nodoubttogoaway。
``Idon’tmeanthat,’’shecriedtestily。``Youarenotharshwithme。It’sthetruththat’sharsh——thetruthI’mbeginningtosee——andfeel。Iamafraid——
afraid。Ihaven’tthecouragetofaceit。’’
``Whywhine?’’saidhe。``There’snothinginthat。’’
``Doyouthinkthere’sanyhopeforme?’’
``Thatdepends,’’saidhe。
``Onwhat?’’
``Onwhatyouwant。’’
``Iwanttobeasinger,agreatsinger。’’
``No,there’snohope。’’
Shegrewcoldwithdespair。Hehadawayofsayingathingthatgaveitthefullweightofaverdictfromwhichtherewasnoappeal。
``Now,ifyouwantedtomakealiving,’’hewenton,``andifyouweredeterminedtolearntosingaswellasyoucould,withtheideathatyoumightbeabletomakealiving——why,thentheremightbehope。’’
``YouthinkIcansing?’’
``Ineverheardyou。Canyou?’’
``TheysayIcan。’’
``WhatdoYOUsay?’’
``Idon’tknow,’’sheconfessed。``I’veneverbeenabletojudge。SometimesIthinkI’msingingwell,andIfindoutafterwardthatI’vesungbadly。Again,it’stheotherway。’’
``Then,obviously,what’sthefirstthingtodo?’’
``Tolearntojudgemyself,’’saidshe。``Ineverthoughtofitbefore——howimportantthatis。DoyouknowJennings——EugeneJennings?’’
``Thesingingteacher?No。’’
``Isheagoodteacher?’’
``No。’’
``Whynot?’’
``Becausehehasnottaughtyouthatyouwillneversinguntilyouareyourownteacher。Becausehehasnottaughtyouthatsingingisasmallandminorpartofacareerasasinger。’’
``Butitisn’t,’’protestedshe。
Alongsilence。Lookingathim,shefeltthathehaddismissedherandheraffairsfromhismind。
``Isit?’’shesaid,tobringhimback。
``What?’’askedhevaguely。
``Yousaidthatasingerdidn’thavetobeabletosing。’’
``DidI?’’Heglanceddowntheshoretowardthehouse。``Itfeelslikelunch-time。’’Herose。
``Whatdidyoumeanbywhatyousaid?’’
``Whenyouhavethoughtaboutyourcaseawhilelonger,we’lltalkofitagain——ifyouwish。Butuntilyou’vethought,talkingisawasteoftime。’’
Sherose,stoodstaringouttosea。Hewasobservingher,afaintsmileabouthislips。Hesaid:
``Whybotheraboutacareer?Afterall,keptwomanisathoroughlyrespectableoccupation——orcanbemadesobyanypreacherorjusticeofthepeace。
It’sfollowedbymanyofourbestwomen——thosewhopridethemselvesontheirhighcharacters——andontheirpride。’’
``IcouldnotbelongtoamanunlessIcaredforhim,’’
saidshe。``Itrieditonce。Ishallneverdoitagain。’’
``Thatsoundsfine,’’saidhe。``Let’sgotolunch。’’
``Youdon’tbelieveme?’’
``Doyou?’’
Shesankdownuponthesandandburstintoawildpassionofsobsandtears。Whenherfightforself-
controlwasoverandshelookeduptoapologizeforherpitifulexhibitionofweakness——andtonotewhethershehadmadeanimpressionuponhissympathies——shesawhimjustenteringthehouse,aquarterofamileaway。Toangersucceededamoodofdesperateforlornness。Shefelluponherselfwithgloomyferocity。
Shecouldnotsing。Shehadnobrains。Shewastakingmoney——adisgracefullylargeamountofmoney——
fromStanleyBairdunderfalsepretenses。Howcouldshehopetosingwhenhervoicecouldnotbereliedupon?
Wasnotherthroatatthatverymomentslightlysore?
Wasitnotalwaysgoingqueer?She——sing!Absurd。
DidStanleyBairdsuspect?Washewaitingforthetimewhenshewouldgladlyacceptwhatshemusthavefromhim,onhisownterms?No,notonhisterms,butonthetermssheherselfwouldarrange——
theonlytermsshecouldmake。No,Stanleybelievedinherabsolutely——believedinhercareer。Whenhediscoveredthetruth,hewouldloseinterestinher,wouldregardherasapoor,worthlesscreature,wouldbeeagertoridhimselfofher。Insteadofreturningtothehouse,shewentintheoppositedirection,madeacircuitandburiedherselfinthewoodsbeyondtheShrewsbury。Shewasmadtogetawayfromherowncompany。buttheonlycompanyshecouldflytowasmoredepressingthanthesolitudeandthetauntandsneerandlashofherownthoughts。Itwaslateintheafternoonbeforeshenervedherselftogohome。Shehopedtheotherswouldhavegoneoffsomewhere。buttheywerewaitingforher,StanleyanxiousandCyrillaBrindleyirritated。HereyessoughtKeith。Hewas,asusual,theindifferentspectator。
``Wherehaveyoubeen?’’criedStanley。
``Makingupmymind,’’saidsheinthetonethatforewarnsofastorm。
Abriefpause。ShestruggledinvainagainstanimpulsetolookatKeith。Whenhereyesturnedinhisdirectionhe,notlookingather,movedinhislistlesswaytowardthedoor。Saidhe:
``Theauto’swaiting。Comeon。’’
Shevacillated,yielded,begantoputonthewrapsStanleywascollectingforher。Itwasabigtouring-
car,andtheysattwoandtwo,withthechauffeuralone。