Abagofflour，abarrelofpotatoes，somestringsofonions，abasketofapples，abigcakeandmanylittlecakes，ajugoflemonade，apursestuffedwithbillsofthemoremodestdenominations，may，perhaps，dowellenoughforthepropertiesinoneoftheseprivatetheatricalexhibitions。Theministeroftheparish，atender-hearted，quiet，hard-workingman，livingonasmallsalary，withmanychildren，sometimespinchedtofeedandclothethem，prayingferventlyeverydaytobeblestinhis"basketandstore，"
　　butsometimesfearingheasksamiss，tojudgebythesmallreturns，hasthefirstrole，——not，however，byhisownchoice，butforceduponhim。Theminister’swife，asharp-eyed，unsentimentalbody，isfirstlady；theremainingpartsbytherestofthefamily。Iftheyonlyhadaplaybill，itwouldrunthus:
　　ONTUESDAYNEXT
　　WILLBEPRESENTED
　　THEAFFECTINGSCENE
　　CALLED
　　THESURPRISE-PARTY
　　OR
　　THEOVERCOMEFAMILY；
　　WITHTHEFOLLOWINGSTRONGCASTOFCHARACTERS。
　　TheRev。Mr。Overcome，bytheClergymanofthisParish。
　　Mrs。Overcome，byhisestimablelady。
　　MastersMatthew，Mark，Luke，andJohnOvercome，MissesDorcas，Tabitha，Rachel，andHannah，Overcome，bytheirinterestingchildren。
　　Peggy，bythefemalehelp。
　　Thepoormanisreallygrateful；——itisamostwelcomeandunexpectedrelief。Hetriestoexpresshisthanks，——hisvoicefalters，——hechokes，——andburstsintotears。Thatisthegreateffectoftheevening。Thesharp-sightedladycriesalittlewithoneeye，andcountsthestringsofonions，andtherestofthethings，withtheother。Thechildrenstandreadyforaspringattheapples。Thefemalehelpweepsafterthenoisyfashionofuntutoredhandmaids。
　　Nowthisisallverywellascharity，butdoletthekindvisitorsremembertheygettheirmoney’sworth。Ifyoupayaquarterfordrycrying，donebyasecond-rateactor，howmuchoughtyoutopayforrealhot，wettears，outofthehonesteyesofagentlemanwhoisnotacting，butsobbinginearnest？
　　AllImeanttosay，whenIbegan，was，thatthiswasnotasurprise-
　　partywhereIreadthesefewlinesthatfollow:
　　Wewillnotspeakofyearsto-night；
　　Forwhathaveyearstobring，ButlargerfloodsofloveandlightAndsweetersongstosing？
　　WewillnotdrowninwordypraiseThekindlythoughtsthatrise；
　　Iffriendshipownsonetenderphrase，Hereadsitinoureyes。
　　WeneednotwasteourschoolboyartTogildthisnotchoftime；
　　Forgiveme，ifmywaywardheartHasthrobbedinartlessrhyme。
　　EnoughforhimthesilentgraspThatknitsushandinhand，Andhethebracelet’sradiantclaspThatlocksourcirclingband。
　　Strengthtohishoursofmanlytoil！
　　Peacetohisstarlitdreams！
　　Wholovesalikethefurrowedsoil，Themusic-hauntedstreams！
　　SweetsmilestokeepforeverbrightThesunshineonhislips，Andfaith，thatseestheringoflightRoundNature’slasteclipse！——
　　OneofourboardershasbeentalkinginsuchstronglanguagethatI
　　amalmostafraidtoreportit。However，asheseemstobereallyhonestandissoverysincereinhislocalprejudices，Idon’tbelieveanybodywillbeveryangrywithhim。
　　Itishere，Sir！righthere！——saidthelittledeformedgentleman，——
　　inthisoldnewcityofBoston，——thisremoteprovincialcornerofaprovincialnation，thattheBattleoftheStandardisfighting，andwasfightingbeforewewereborn，andwillbefightingwhenwearedeadandgone，——pleaseGod！Thebattlegoesoneverywherethroughoutcivilization；buthere，here，hereisthebroadwhiteflagflyingwhichproclaims，firstofall，peaceandgood-willtomen，and，nexttothat，theabsolute，unconditionalspirituallibertyofeachindividualimmortalsoul！Thethree-hilledcityagainsttheseven-
　　hilledcity！Thatisit，Sir，——nothinglessthanthat；andifyouknowwhatthatmeans，Idon’tthinkyou’llaskforanythingmore。I
　　sweartoyou，Sir，Ibelievethatthesetwocentresofcivilizationarejustexactlythetwopointsthatclosethecircuitinthebatteryofourplanetaryintelligence！AndIbelievetherearespiritualeyeslookingoutfromUranusandunseenNeptune，——ay，Sir，fromthesystemsofSiriusandArcturusandAldebaran，andasfarasthatfaintstainofsprinkledworldsconfluentinthedistancethatwecallthenebulaofOrion，——lookingon，Sir，withwhatorgansIknownot，toseewhicharegoingtomeltinthatfieryfusion，theaccidentsandhindrancesofhumanityormanhimself，Sir，——thestupendousabortion，theillustriousfailurethatheis，ifthethree-hilledcitydoesnotridedownandtrampleouttheseven-hilledcity！——
　　Steam’sup！——saidtheyoungmanJohn，socalled，inalowtone——
　　Threehundredandsixty-fivetonstothesquareinch。Lethimblowheroff，orhe’llbu’sthisb’iler。
　　Thedivinity-studenttookitcalmly，onlywhisperingthathethoughttherewasalittleconfusionofimagesbetweenagalvanicbatteryandachargeofcavalry。
　　ButtheKoh-i-noor——thegentleman，youremember，withaverylargediamondinhisshirt-frontlaughedhisscornfullaugh，andmadeasiftospeak。
　　Sailin，Metropolis！——saidthatsameyoungmanJohn，byname。Andthen，inalowerlane，notmeaningtobeheard，——Now，then，Ma’amAllen！
　　Buthewasheard，——andtheKoh-i-noor’sfaceturnedsowhitewithrage，thathisblue-blackmoustacheandbeardlookedfearful，seenagainstit。Hegrinnedwithwrath，andcaughtatatumbler，asifhewouldhavethrownitoritscontentsatthespeaker。TheyoungMarylanderfixedhisclear，steadyeyeuponhim，andlaidhishandonhisarm，carelesslyalmost，buttheJewelfounditwasheldsothathecouldnotmoveit。Itwasofnouse。Theyouthwashismasterinmuscle，andinthatdeadlyIndianhuginwhichmenwrestlewiththeireyes；——overinfiveseconds，butbreaksoneoftheirtwobacks，andisgoodforthreescoreyearsandten；——onetrialenough，——settlesthewholematter，——justaswhentwofeatheredsongstersofthebarnyard，gameanddunghill，cometogether，-afterajumportwoateachother，andafewsharpkicks，thereistheendofit；anditis，Apresvous，Monsieur，withthebeatenpartyinallthesocialrelationsforalltherestofhisdays。
　　IcannotphilosophicallyaccountfortheKoh-i-noor’swrath。Forthoughacosmeticissold，bearingthenameoftheladytowhomreferencewasmadebytheyoungpersonJohn，yet，asitispubliclyassertedinrespectableprintsthatthiscosmeticisnotadye，Iseenoreasonwhyheshouldhavefeltoffendedbyanysuggestionthathewasindebtedtoitoritsauthoress。
　　Ihavenodoubtthattherearecertainexceptionalcomplexionstowhichthepurpletinge，abovealludedto，isnatural。Natureisfertileinvariety。IsawanalbinessinLondononce，forsixpence，includingtheinspectionofastuffedboa-constrictor，wholookedasifshehadbeenboiledinmilk。AyoungHottentotofmyacquaintancehadhishairallinlittlepelletsofthesizeofmarrow-fatpeas。Oneofmyownclassmateshasundergoneasingularchangeoflateyears，——hishairlosingitsoriginaltint，andgettingaremarkablediscoloredlook；andanotherhasceasedtocultivateanyhairatalloverthevertexorcrownofthehead。SoIamperfectlywillingtobelievethatthepurple-blackoftheKoh-i-noor’smoustacheandwhiskersisconstitutionalandnotpigmentary。ButI
　　can’tthinkwhyhegotsoangry。
　　Theintelligentreaderwillunderstandthatallthispantomimeofthethreatenedonslaughtanditssuppressionpassedsoquicklythatitwasalloverbythetimetheotherendofthetablefoundouttherewasadisturbance；justasamanchoppingwoodhalfamileoffmaybeseenrestingonhisaxeattheinstantyouhearthelastblowhestruck。SoyouwillpleasetoobservethattheLittleGentlemanwasnot，interruptedduringthetimeimpliedbytheseex-post-factoremarksofmine，butforsometenorfifteensecondsonly。
　　Hedidnotseemtomindtheinterruptionatall，forhestartedagain。The"Sir"ofhisharanguewasnodoubtaddressedtomyselfmorethananybodyelse，butheoftenusesitindiscourseasifheweretalkingwithsomeimaginaryopponent——
　　America，Sir，——heexclaimed，——istheonlyplacewheremanisfull-
　　grown！
　　Hestraightenedhimselfup，ashespoke，standingonthetoproundofhishighchair，Isuppose，andsopresentedthelargerpartofhislittlefiguretotheviewoftheboarders。
　　Itwasnexttoimpossibletokeepfromlaughing。Thecommentarywassostrangeanillustrationofthetext！Ithoughtitwastimetoputinaword；forIhavelivedinforeignparts，andammoreorlesscosmopolitan。
　　IdoubtifwehavemorepracticalfreedominAmericathantheyhaveinEngland，——Isaid——AnEnglishmanthinksashelikesinreligionandpolitics。Mr。MartineauspeculatesasfreelyaseverDr。
　　Channingdid，andMr。BrightisasindependentasMr。Seward。
　　Sir，——saidhe，——itisn’twhatamanthinksorsays；butwhenandwhereandtowhomhethinksandsaysit。Amanwithaflintandsteelstrikingsparksoverawetblanketisonething，andstrikingthemoveratinder-boxisanother。ThefreeEnglishmanisbornunderprotest；helivesanddiesunderprotest，——atolerated，butnotawelcomefact。IsnotfreethinkeratermofreproachinEngland？ThesameideainthesoulofanEnglishmanwhostruggleduptoitandstillholdsitantagonistically，andinthesoulofanAmericantowhomitiscongenitalandspontaneous，andoftenunrecognized，exceptasanelementblendedwithallhisthoughts，anaturalmovement，likethedrawingofhisbreathorthebeatingofhisheart，isaverydifferentthing。Youmayteachaquadrupedtowalkonhishindlegs，butheisalwayswantingtobeonallfours。Nothingthatcanbetaughtagrowingyouthisliketheatmosphericknowledgehebreathesfromhisinfancyupwards。TheAmericanbabysucksinfreedomwiththemilkofthebreastatwhichhehangs——
　　That’sagoodjoke，——saidtheyoungfellowJohn，——considerin’itcommonlybelongstoafemalePaddy。
　　Ithought——Iwillnotbecertain——thattheLittleGentlemanwinked，asifhehadbeenhitsomewhere——asIhavenodoubtDr。Darwindidwhenthewooden-spoonsuggestionupsethistheoryaboutwhy，etc。Ifhewinked，however，hedidnotdodge。
　　Alivelycomment！——hesaid——ButRome，inhergreatfounder，suckedthebloodofempireoutofthedugsofabrute，Sir！TheMilesianwet-nurseisonlyaconvenientvesselthroughwhichtheAmericaninfantgetsthelife-bloodofthisvirginsoil，Sir，thatismakingmanoveragain，onthesunsetpattern！Youdon’tthinkwhatwearedoingandgoingtodohere。Why，Sir，whilecommentatorsarebotheringthemselveswithinterpretationofprophecies，wehavegotthenewheavensandthenewearthoverusandunderus！WasthereeveranythinginItaly，Ishouldliketoknow，likeaBostonsunset？——
　　Thistimetherewasalaugh，andthelittlemanhimselfalmostsmiled。
　　Yes，——Bostonsunsets；——perhapsthey’reasgoodinsomeotherplaces，butIknow’embesthere。Anyhow，theAmericanskiesaredifferentfromanythingtheyseeintheOldWorld。Yes，andtherocksaredifferent，andthesoilisdifferent，andeverythingthatcomesoutofthesoil，fromgrassuptoIndians，isdifferent。Andnowthattheprovisionalracesaredyingout——
　　Whatdoyoumeanbytheprovisionalraces，Sir？——saidthedivinity-
　　student，interruptinghim。
　　Why，theaboriginalbipeds，tobesure，——heanswered，——thered-crayonsketchofhumanitylaidonthecanvasbeforethecolorsfortherealmanhoodwereready。
　　Ihopetheywillcometosomethingyet，——saidthedivinity-student。
　　Irreclaimable，Sir，——irreclaimable！——saidtheLittleGentleman——
　　Cheapertobreedwhitementhandomesticateanationofredones。
　　Whenyoucangetthebitteroutofthepartridge’sthigh，youcanmakeanenlightenedcommonwealthofIndians。Aprovisionalrace，Sir，——nothingmore。Exhaledcarbonicacidfortheuseofvegetation，keptdownthebearsandcatamounts，enjoyedthemselvesinscalpingandbeingscalped，andthenpassedawayorarepassingaway，accordingtotheprogramme。
　　Well，Sir，theseracesdyingout，thewhitemanhastoacclimatehimself。Ittakeshimagoodwhile；buthewillcomeallrightby-
　　and-by，Sir，——assoundasawoodchuck，——assoundasamusquash！
　　Anewnursery，Sir，withLakeSuperiorandHuronandalltherestof’emforwash-basins！Anewrace，andawholenewworldforthenew-
　　bornhumansoultoworkin！AndBostonisthebrainofit，andhasbeenanytimethesehundredyears！That’sallIclaimforBoston，——
　　thatitisthethinkingcentreofthecontinent，andthereforeoftheplanet——
　　Andthegrandemporiumofmodesty，——saidthedivinity-student，alittlemischievously。
　　Oh，don’ttalktomeofmodesty！——answeredtheLittleGentleman，——I
　　’mpastthat！Thereisn’tathingthatwaseversaidordoneinBoston，frompitchingtheteaoverboardtothelastecclesiasticallieittoreintotattersandflungintothedock，thatwasn’tthoughtveryindelicatebysomefoolortyrantorbigot，andalltheentrailsofcommercialandspiritualconservatismaretwistedintocolicsasoftenasthisrevolutionarybrainofourshasafitofthinkingcomeoverit——No，Sir，——showmeanyotherplacethatis，orwassincethemegalosaurushasdiedout，wherewealthandsocialinfluencearesofairlydividedbetweenthestationaryandtheprogressiveclasses！Showmeanyotherplacewhereeveryotherdrawing-roomisnotachamberoftheInquisition，withpapasandmammasforinquisitors，——andthecoldshoulder，insteadofthe"drypanandthegradualfire，"thepunishmentof"heresy"！——
　　WethinkBaltimoreisaprettycivilizedkindofavillage，——saidtheyoungMarylander，good-naturedly——ButIsupposeyoucan’tforgiveitforalwayskeepingalittleaheadofBostoninpointofnumbers，——tellthetruthnow。Arewenotthecentreofsomething？
　　Ah，indeed，tobesureyouare。YouarethegastronomicmetropolisoftheUnion。Whydon’tyouputacanvas-back-duckonthetopoftheWashingtoncolumn？Whydon’tyougetthatladyofffromBattleMonumentandplantaterrapininherplace？Whywillyouaskforotherglorieswhenyouhavesoftcrabs？No，Sir，——youlivetoowelltothinkashardaswedoinBoston。Logiccomestouswiththesalt-fishofCapeAnn；rhetoricisbornofthebeansofBeverly；butyou——ifyouopenyourmouthstospeak，Naturestopsthemwithafatoyster，oroffersasliceofthebreastofyourdivinebird，andsilencesallyouraspirations。
　　AndwhatofPhiladelphia？——saidtheMarylander。
　　Oh，Philadelphia？——Waterworks，——killedbytheCrotonandCochituate；——
　　BenFranklin，——borrowedfromBoston；——DavidRittenhouse，——madeanorrery；——BenjaminRush，——madeamedicalsystem；——bothinterestingtoantiquarians；——greatRed-riverraftofmedicalstudents，——spontaneousgenerationofprofessorstomatch；——morewidelyknownthroughtheMoyamensinghose-company，andtheWistarparties；-forgeologicalsectionofsocialstrata，gotoTheClub——Goodplacetolivein，——first-ratemarket，——tip-toppeaches——WhatdoweknowaboutPhiladelphia，exceptthattheengine-companiesarealwaysshootingeachother？
　　AndwhatdoyousaytoNewYork？——askedtheKoh-i-noor。
　　Agreatcity，Sir，——repliedtheLittleGentleman，——averyopulent，splendidcity。Apointoftransitofmuchthatisremarkable，andofpermanenceformuchthatisrespectable。Agreatmoney-centre。SanFranciscowiththeminesabove-ground，——andsomeof’emunderthesidewalks。Ihaveseennexttonothinggrandiose，outofNewYork，inallourcities。Itmakes’emalllookpaltryandpetty。Hasmanyelementsofcivilization。MaystopwhereVenicedid，though，foraughtweknow——Theorderofitsdevelopmentisjustthis:——Wealth；
　　architecture；upholstery；painting；sculpture。Printing，asamechanicalart，——justasNicholasJepsonandtheAldi，whowerescholarstoo，madeVenicerenownedforit。Journalism，whichistheaccidentofbusinessandcrowdedpopulations，ingreatperfection。
　　VenicegotasfarasTitianandPaulVeroneseandTintoretto，——greatcolorists，markyou，magnificentontheflesh-and-bloodsideofArt，——
　　butlookovertoFlorenceandseewholieinSantaCrocea，andaskoutofwhoseloinsDantesprung！
　　Oh，yes，tobesure，VenicebuiltherDucalPalace，andherChurchofSt。Mark，andherCasad’Or，andtherestofhergoldenhouses；andVenicehadgreatpicturesandgoodmusic；andVenicehadaGoldenBook，inwhichallthelargetax-payershadtheirnameswritten；——butallthatdidnotmakeVenicethebrainofItaly。
　　Itellyouwhat，Sir，——withallthesemagnificentappliancesofcivilization，itistimewebegantohearsomethingfromthedjinnisdoneewhosenamesareontheGoldenBookofoursumptuous，splendid，marble-placedVenice，——somethinginthehigherwalksofliterature，——
　　somethinginthecouncilsofthenation。PlentyofArt，Igrantyou，Sir；now，then，forvastlibraries，andformightyscholarsandthinkersandstatesmen，——fiveforeveryBostonone，asthepopulationistoours，——tentoonemoreproperly，invirtueofcentralizingattractionastheallegedmetropolis，andnotcallourpeopleprovincials，andhavetocomebeggingtoustowritethelivesofHendrikHudsonandGouverneurMorris！——
　　TheLittleGentlemanwasonhishobby，exaltinghisowncityattheexpenseofeveryotherplace。Ihavemydoubtsifhehadbeenineitherofthecitieshehadbeentalkingabout。Iwasjustgoingtosaysomethingtosoberhimdown，ifIcould，whentheyoungMarylanderspokeup。
　　Come，now，——hesaid，——what’stheuseofthesecomparisons？Didn’tI
　　hearthisgentlemansaying，theotherday，thateveryAmericanownsallAmerica？IfyouhavereallygotmorebrainsinBostonthanotherfolks，asyouseemtothink，whohatesyouforit，exceptapackofscribblingfools？IfIlikeBroadwaybetterthanWashingtonStreet，whatthen？Iownthemboth，asmuchasanybodyownseither。IamanAmerican，——andwhereverIlookupandseethestarsandstripesoverhead，thatishometome！
　　Hespoke，andlookedupasifheheardtheemblazonedfoldscracklingoverhiminthebreeze。Wealllookedupinvoluntarily，asifweshouldseethenationalflagbysodoing。Thesightofthedingyceilingandthegas-fixturedependingtherefromdispelledtheillusion。
　　Bravo！bravo！——saidthevenerablegentlemanontheothersideofthetable——ThosearethesentimentsofWashington’sFarewellAddress。
　　NothingbetterthanthatsincethelastchapterinRevelations。
　　Five-and-fortyyearsagothereusedtobeWashingtonsocieties，andlittleboysusedtowalkinprocessions，eachlittleboyhavingacopyoftheAddress，boundinred，hungroundhisneckbyaribbon。
　　Whydon’ttheynow？Whydon’ttheynow？IsawenoughofhatingeachotherintheoldFederaltimes；nowlet’sloveeachother，Isay，——
　　let’sloveeachother，andnottrytomakeitoutthatthereisn’tanyplacefittoliveinexcepttheonewehappentobebornin。
　　Itdwarfsthemind，Ithink，——saidI，——tofeeditonanylocalism。
　　Thefullstatureofmanhoodisshrivelled——
　　Thecolorburstupintomycheeks。WhatwasIsaying，——I，whowouldnotfortheworldhavepainedourunfortunatelittleboarderbyanallusion？
　　Iwillgo，——hesaid，——andmadeamovementwithhisleftarmtolethimselfdownfromhishighchair。
　　No，——no，——hedoesn’tmeanit，——youmustnotgo，——saidakindvoicenexthim；andasoft，whitehandwaslaiduponhisarm。
　　Iris，mydear！——exclaimedanothervoice，asofafemale，inaccentsthatmightbeconsideredastrongatmosphericsolutionofdutywithverylittleflavorofgrace。
　　Shedidnotmoveforthisaddress，andtherewasatableauthatlastedsomeseconds。Fortheyounggirl，inthegloryofhalf-blownwomanhood，andthedwarf，thecripple，themisshapenlittlecreaturecoveredwithNature’sinsults，lookedstraightintoeachother’seyes。
　　Perhapsnohandsomeyoungwomanhadeverlookedathimsoinhislife。Certainlytheyounggirlneverhadlookedintoeyesthatreachedintohersoulasthesedid。Itwasnotthattheywereinthemselvessupernaturallybright，——buttherewasthesadfireinthemthatflamesupfromthesoulofonewholooksonthebeautyofwomanwithouthope，but，alas！notwithoutemotion。Tohimitseemedasifthoseambergateshadbeentranslucentasthebrownwaterofamountainbrook，andthroughthemhehadseendimlyintoavirginwilderness，onlywaitingforthesunriseofagreatpassionforallitsbudstoblowandallitsbowerstoringwithmelody。
　　Thatismyimage，ofcourse，——nothis。Itwasnotasimilethatwasinhismind，orisinanybody’satsuchamoment，——itwasapangofwordlesspassion，andthenasilent，inwardmoan。
　　Alady’swish，——hesaid，withacertaingallantryofmanner，——makesslavesofusall——AndNature，whoiskindtoallherchildren，andneverleavesthesmallestandsaddestofallherhumanfailureswithoutonelittlecomfitofself-loveatthebottomofhispoorraggedpocket，——Naturesuggestedtohimthathehadturnedhissentencewell；andhefellintoareverie，inwhichtheoldthoughtsthatwerealwayshoveringdustoutsidethedoorsguardedbyCommonSense，andwatchingforachancetosqueezein，knowingperfectlywelltheywouldbeignominiouslykickedoutagainassoonasCommonSensesawthem，flockedinpell-mell，——misty，fragmentary，vague，half-ashamedofthemselves，butstillshoulderingupagainsthisinnerconsciousnesstillitwarmedwiththeircontact:——JohnWilkes’s——theugliestman’sinEngland——saying，thatwithhalf-an-
　　hour’sstarthewouldcutoutthehandsomestmaninallthelandinanywoman’sgoodgraces；Cadenus——oldandsavage——leadingcaptiveStellaandVanessa；andthenthestraylineofaballad，"Andawinningtonguehadhe，"——asmuchastosay，itisn’tlooks，afterall，butcunningwords，thatwinourEvesover，——justasofoldwhenitwastheworst-lookingbruteofthelotthatgotourgrandmothertolistentohisstuffandsodidthemischief。
　　Ah，dearme！WerehearsethepartofHerculeswithhisclub，subjugatingmanandwomaninourfancy，thefirstbytheweightofit，andthesecondbyourhandlingofit，——werehearseit，Isay，byourownhearth-stones，withthecoldpokerasourclub，andtheexerciseiseasy。Butwhenwecometoreallife，thepokerisinthefore，and，tentoone，ifwewouldgraspit，wefindittoohottohold；——luckyforus，ifitisnotwhite-hot，andwedonothavetoleavetheskinofourhandsstickingtoitwhenweflingitdownordropitwithaloudorsilentcry！——
　　IamfrightenedwhenIfindintowhatalabyrinthofhumancharacterandfeelingIamwinding。Imeanttotellmythoughts，andtothrowinafewstudiesofmannerandcostumeastheypicturedthemselvesformefromdaytoday。Chancehasthrowntogetheratthetablewithmeanumberofpersonswhoareworthstudying，andImeannotonlytolookonthem，but，ifIcan，throughthem。Youcangetanyman’sorwoman’ssecret，whosesphereiscircumscribedbyyourown，ifyouwillonlylookpatientlyonthemlongenough。Natureisalwaysapplyingherreagentstocharacter，ifyouwilltakethepainstowatchher。Ourstudiesofcharacter，tochangetheimage，areverymuchlikethesurveyor’striangulationofageographicalprovince。Wegetabase-lineinorganization，always；thenwegetananglebysightingsomedistantobjecttowhichthepassionsoraspirationsofthesubjectofourobservationaretending；thenanother；——andsoweconstructourfirsttriangle。Oncefixaman’sideals，andforthemostparttherestiseasy。Awantstodieworthhalfamillion。Good。Bfemalewantstocatchhim，——andoutlivehim。Allright。Minordetailsatourleisure。
　　Whatisit，ofallyourexperiences，ofallyourthoughts，ofallyourmisdoings，thatliesattheverybottomofthegreatheapofactsofconsciousnesswhichmakeupyourpastlife？Whatshouldyoumostdisliketotellyournearestfriend？——Besogoodastopauseforabriefspace，andshutthevolumeyouholdwithyourfingerbetweenthepages——Oh，thatisit！
　　WhataconfessionalIhavebeensittingat，withtheinwardearofmysoulopen，asthemultitudinouswhisperofmyinvoluntaryconfidantscamebacktomelikethereduplicatedechoofacryamongthecraggybills！
　　AtthehouseofafriendwhereIoncepassedthenightwasoneofthosestatelyuprightcabinetdesksandcasesofdrawerswhichwerenotrareinprosperousfamiliesduringthelastcentury。Ithadheldtheclothesandthebooksandthepapersofgenerationaftergeneration。Thehandsthatopeneditsdrawershadgrownwithered，shrivelled，andatlastbeenfoldedindeath。Thechildrenthatplayedwiththelowerhandleshadgottallenoughtoopenthedesk，toreachtheuppershelvesbehindthefolding-doors，——grownbentafterawhile，——andthenfollowedthosewhohadgonebefore，andlefttheoldcabinettoberansackedbyanewgeneration。
　　Aboyoftenortwelvewaslookingatitafewyearsago，and，beingaquick-wittedfellow，sawthatallthespacewasnotaccountedforbythesmallerdrawersinthepartbeneaththelidofthedesk。
　　Pryingaboutwithbusyeyesandfingers，heatlengthcameuponaspring，onpressingwhich，asecretdrawerflewfromitshiding-
　　place。Ithadneverbeenopenedbutbythemaker。Themahoganyshavingsanddustwerelyinginitaswhentheartisanclosedit，——
　　andwhenIsawit，itwasasfreshasifthatdayfinished。
　　Istherenotonelittledrawerinyoursoul，mysweetreader，whichnohandbutyourshaseveropened，andwhichnonethathaveknownyouseemtohavesuspected？Whatdoesithold？——Asin？——Ihopenot。
　　Whatastrangethinganolddeadsinlaidawayinasecretdrawerofthesoulis！Mustitsometimeorotherbemoistenedwithtears，untilitcomestolifeagainandbeginstostirinourconsciousness，——asthedrywheel-animalcule，lookinglikeagrainofdust，becomesalive，ifitiswetwithadropofwater？
　　Orisitapassion？Thereareplentyofwitheredmenandwomenwalkingaboutthestreetswhohavethesecretdrawerintheirhearts，which，ifitwereopened，wouldshowasfreshasitwaswhentheywereintheflushofyouthanditsfirsttremblingemotions。
　　Whatitheldwill，perhaps，neverbeknown，untiltheyaredeadandgone，andsamecuriouseyelightsonanoldyellowletterwiththefossilfootprintsoftheextinctpassiontroddenthickalloverit。
　　Thereisnotaboarderatourtable，Ifirmlybelieve，exceptingtheyounggirl，whohasnotastoryofthehearttotell，ifonecouldonlygetthesecretdraweropen。Eventhisaridfemale，whosearmorofblackbombazinelooksstrongeragainsttheshaftsoflovethananycuirassoftriplebrass，hashadhersentimentalhistory，ifIamnotmistaken。Iwilltellyoumyreasonforsuspectingit。
　　Likemanyotheroldwomen，sheshowsagreatnervousnessandrestlessnesswheneverIventuretoexpressanyopinionuponaclassofsubjectswhichcanhardlybesaidtobelongtoanymanorsetofmenastheirstrictlyprivateproperty，——noteventotheclergy，orthenewspaperscommonlycalled"religious。"Now，althoughitwouldbeagreatluxurytometoobtainmyopinionsbycontract，ready-
　　made，fromaprofessionalman，andalthoughIhaveaconstitutionalkindlyfeelingtoallsortsofgoodpeoplewhichwouldmakemehappytoagreewithalltheirbeliefs，ifthatwerepossible，stillImusthaveanidea，nowandthen，astothemeaningoflife；andthoughtheonlyconditionofpeaceinthisworldistohavenoideas，or，atleast，nottoexpressthem，withreferencetosuchsubjects，Ican’taffordtopayquitesomuchasthatevenforpeace。
　　IfindthatthereisaveryprevalentopinionamongthedwellersontheshoresofSirIsaacNewton’sOceanofTruth，thatsalt，fish，whichhavebeentakenfromitagoodwhileago，splitopen，curedanddried，aretheonlyproperandallowablefoodforreasonablepeople。
　　Imaintain，ontheotherhand，thatthereareanumberoflivefishstillswimminginit，andthateveryoneofushasarighttoseeifhecannotcatchsomeofthem。SometimesIpleasemyselfwiththeideathatIhavelandedanactuallivingfish，small，perhaps，butwithrosygillsandsilveryscales。ThenIfindtheconsumersofnothingbutthesaltedanddriedarticleinsistthatitispoisonous，simplybecauseitisalive，andcryouttopeoplenottotouchit。I
　　havenotfound，however，thatpeoplemindthemmuch。
　　Thepoorboarderinbombazineismydynamometer。Itryeveryquestionablepropositiononher。Ifshewinces，Imustbepreparedforanoutcryfromtheotheroldwomen。Ifrightenedher，theotherday，bysayingthatfaith，asanintellectualstate，wasself-
　　reliance，which，ifyouhaveametaphysicalturn，youwillfindisnotsomuchofaparadoxasitsoundsatfirst。Soshesentmeabooktoreadwhichwastocuremeofthaterror。Itwasanoldbook，andlookedasifithadnotbeenopenedforalongtime。Whatshoulddropoutofit，oneday，butasmallheart-shapedpaper，containingalockofthatstraight，coarse，brownhairwhichsetsoffthesharpfacesofsomanythin-flanked，large-handedbumpkins！Ireaduponthepaperthename"Hiram。"——Love！love！love！——everywhere！
　　everywhere！——underdiamondsandhousemaids’"jewelry，"——liftingthemarrowycamel’s-hair，andrustlingeventheblackbombazine！——No，no，——Ithinksheneverwaspretty，butshewasyoungonce，andworebrightginghams，and，perhaps，gaymerinos。Weshallfindthatthepoorlittlecrookedmanhasbeeninlove，orisinlove，orwillbeinlovebeforewehavedonewithhim，foraughtthatIknow！
　　Romance！Wasthereeveraboarding-houseintheworldwheretheseeminglyprosaictablehadnotalivingfrescoforitsbackground，whereyoucouldsee，ifyouhadeyes，thesmokeandfireofsomeupheavingsentiment，orthedrearycratersofsmoulderingorburnt-
　　outpassions？Youlookontheblackbombazineandhigh-neckeddecorumofyourneighbor，andnomorethinkofthereallifethatunderliesthisdespoiledanddismantledwomanhoodthanyouthinkofastonetrilobiteashavingoncebeenfullofthejuicesandthenervousthrillsofthrobbingandself-consciousbeing。Thereisawildcreatureunderthatlongyellowpinwhichservesasbroochforthebombazinecuirass，——awildcreature，whichIventuretosaywouldleapinhiscage，ifIshouldstirhim，quietasyouthinkhim。A
　　heartwhichhasbeendomesticatedbymatrimonyandmaternityisastranquilasatamebullfinch；butawildheartwhichhasneverbeenfairlybrokeninfluttersfiercelylongafteryouthinktimehastameditdown，——likethatpurplefinchIhadtheotherday，whichcouldnotbeapproachedwithoutsuchpalpitationsandfranticflingsagainstthebarsofhiscage，thatIhadtosendhimbackandgetalittleorthodoxcanarywhichhadlearnedtobequietandnevermindthewiresorhiskeeper’shandling。Iwilltellyoumywicked，buthalfinvoluntaryexperimentonthewildheartunderthefadedbombazine。
　　Wasthereeverapersonintheroomwithyou，markedbyanyspecialweaknessorpeculiarity，withwhomyoucouldbetwohoursandnottouchtheinfirmspot？Iconfessthemostfrightfultendencytodojustthisthing。Ifamanhasabrogue，Iamsuretocatchmyselfimitatingit。Ifanotherislame，Ifollowhim，or，worsethanthat，gobeforehim，limping。
　　IcouldnevermeetanIrishgentleman——ifithadbeentheDukeofWellingtonhimself——withoutstumblingupontheword"Paddy，"——whichI
　　userarelyinmycommontalk。
　　Ihavebeenworriedtoknowwhetherthiswasowingtosomeinnatedepravityofdispositiononmypart，somemalignanttorturinginstinct，which，underdifferentcircumstances，mighthavemadeaFijiananthropophagusofme，ortosomelawofthoughtforwhichI
　　wasnotanswerable。Itis，Iamconvinced，akindofphysicalfactlikeendosmosis，withwhichsomeofyouareacquainted。Athinfilmofpolitenessseparatestheunspokenandunspeakablecurrentofthoughtfromthestreamofconversation。Afteratimeonebeginstosoakthroughandminglewiththeother。
　　Weweretalkingaboutnames，oneday——Wasthereeveranything，——I
　　said，——liketheYankeeforinventingthemostuncouth，pretentious，detestableappellations，——inventingorfindingthem，——sincethetimeofPraise-GodBarebones？Iheardacountry-boyoncetalkingofanotherwhomhecalledElpit，asIunderstoodhim。Elbridgeiscommonenough，butthissoundedoddly。ItseemstheboywaschristenedLordPitt，——andcalledforconvenience，asabove。Ihaveheardacharminglittlegirl，belongingtoanintelligentfamilyinthecountry，calledAngesinvariably；doubtlessintendedforAgnes。
　　Namesarecheap。Howcanamannameaninnocentnew-bornchild，thatneverdidhimanyharm，Hiram？——Thepoorrelation，orwhateversheis，inbombazine，turnedtowardme，butIwasstupid，andwenton——
　　Tothinkofamangoingthroughlifesaddledwithsuchanabominablenameasthat！——Thepoorrelationgrewveryuneasy——Icontinued；
　　forIneverthoughtofallthistillafterwards——Iknewoneyoungfellow，agoodmanyyearsago，bythenameofHiram——What’sgotintoyou，Cousin，——saidourlandlady，——tolookso？——There！you’veupsetyourteacup！
　　ItsuddenlyoccurredtomewhatIhadbeendoing，andIsawthepoorwomanhadherhandatherthroat；shewashalf-chokingwiththe"hystericball，"——averyoddsymptom，asyouknow，whichnervouswomenoftencomplainof。WhatbusinesshadItobetryingexperimentsonthisforlornoldsoul？Ihadagreatdealbetterbewatchingthatyounggirl。
　　Ah，theyounggirl！Iamsurethatshecanhidenothingfromme。
　　Herskinissotransparentthatonecanalmostcountherheart-beatsbytheflushestheysendintohercheeks。Shedoesnotseemtobeshy，either。Ithinkshedoesnotknowenoughofdangertobetimid。
　　Sheseemstomelikeoneofthosebirdsthattravellerstellof，foundinremote，uninhabitedislands，who，havingneverreceivedanywrongatthehandofman，shownoalarmatandhardlyanyparticularconsciousnessofhispresence。
　　Thefirstthingwillbetoseehowsheandourlittledeformedgentlemangetalongtogether；for，asIhavetoldyou，theysitsidebyside。Thenextthingwillbetokeepaneyeontheduenna，——the"Model"andsoforth，asthewhite-neck-clothcalledher。Theintentionofthatestimableladyis，Iunderstand，tolaunchherandleaveher。Isupposethereisnohelpforit，andIdon’tdoubtthisyoungladyknowshowtotakecareofherself，butIdonotliketoseeyounggirlsturnedlooseinboarding-houses。Lookherenow！
　　Thereisthatjewelofhisrace，whomIhavecalledforconveniencetheKoh-i-noor，youunderstanditisquiteoutofthequestionformetousethefamilynamesofourboarders，unlessIwanttogetintotrouble，——Isay，thegentlemanwiththediamondislookingveryoftenandveryintently，itseemstome，downtowardthefarthercornerofthetable，wheresitsouramber-eyedblonde。Thelandlady’sdaughterdoesnotlookpleased，itseemstome，atthis，noratthoseotherattentionswhichthegentlemanreferredtohas，asIhavelearned，presseduponthenewly-arrivedyoungperson。Thelandladymadeacommunicationtome，withinafewdaysafterthearrivalofMissIris，whichIwillrepeattothebestofmyremembrance。
　　He，thepersonIhavebeenspeakingof，——shesaid，——seemedtobekinderhankerin’roundafterthatyoungwoman。Ithadhurtherdaughter’sfeelin’sagooddeal，thatthegentlemanshewasa-keepin’
　　companywithshouldbeofferin’ticketsandtryin’tosendpresentstothemthathe’dneverknow’dtilljestalittlespellago，——andheasgoodasmerried，sofurassolemnpromiseswent，toasrespectableayounglady，ifshedidsayso，asanytherewasround，whosomevertheymightbe。
　　Tickets！presents！——saidI——Whattickets，whatpresentshashehadtheimpertinencetobeofferingtothatyounglady？
　　TicketstotheMuseum，——saidthelandlady。Thereisthemthat’sgladenoughtogototheMuseum，whenticketsisgiven’em；butsomeof’emha’n’thadaticketsenceCenderillawasplayed，——andnowhemustbeofferin’’emtothisridiculousyoungpaintress，orwhateversheis，that’scometomakemoremischiefthanherboard’sworth。Butita’n’therfault，——saidthelandlady，relenting；——andthatauntofhers，orwhateversheis，servedhimrightenough。
　　Why，whatdidshedo？
　　Do？Why，shetookitupinthetongsanddroppeditouto’winder。
　　Dropped？droppedwhat？——Isaid。
　　Why，thesoap，——saidthelandlady。
　　ItappearedthattheKoh-i-noor，toingratiatehimself，hadsentanelegantpackageofperfumedsoap，directedtoMissIris，asadelicateexpressionofalivelysentimentofadmiration，andthat，afterhavingmetwiththeunfortunatetreatmentreferredto，itwaspickedupbyMasterBenjaminFranklin，whoappropriatedit，rejoicing，andindulgedinmostunheard-ofandinordinateablutionsinconsequence，sothathishandswereafrequentsubjectofmaternalcongratulation，andhesmeltlikeacivet-catforweeksafterhisgreatacquisition。
　　Afterwatchingdailyforatime，IthinkIcanseeclearlyintotherelationwhichisgrowingupbetweenthelittlegentlemanandtheyounglady。SheshowsatendernesstohimthatIcan’thelpbeinginterestedin。Ifhewashercrippledchild，insteadofbeingmorethanoldenoughtobeherfather，shecouldnottreathimmorekindly。Thelandlady’sdaughtersaid，theotherday，shebelievedthatgirlwassettin’hercapfortheLittleGentleman。
　　Someofthemyoungfolksisveryartful，——saidhermother，——andthereisthemthatwouldmerryLazarus，ifhe’donlypickedupcrumbsenough。Idon’tthink，though，thisisoneofthatsort；she’skinderchildlike，——saidthelandlady，——andmaybeneverhadanydollstoplaywith；fortheysayherfolkswaspoorbeforeMa’amundertooktoseetoherteachin’andboardherandclotheher。
　　Icouldnothelpoverhearingthisconversation。"Boardherandclotheher！"——speakingofsuchayoungcreature！Oh，dear！——Yes，——
　　shemustbefed，——justlikeBridget，maid-of-all-workatthisestablishment。Somebodymustpayforit。Somebodyhasarighttowatchherandseehowmuchittakesto"keep"her，andgrowlather，ifshehastoogoodanappetite。Somebodyhasarighttokeepaneyeonherandtakecarethatshedoesnotdresstooprettily。Nomothertoseeherownyouthoveragaininthesefreshfeaturesandrisingreliefsofhalf-sculpturedwomanhood，and，seeingitsloveliness，forgetherlessonsofneutral-tintedpropriety，andopenthecasesthatholdherownornamentstofindforheranecklaceorabraceletorapairofear-rings，——thosegoldenlampsthatlightupthedeep，shadowydimplesonthecheeksofyoungbeauties，——swinginginasemi-
　　barbaricsplendorthatcarriesthewildfancytoAbyssinianqueensandmuskyOdalisques！Idon’tbelieveanywomanhasutterlygivenupthegreatfirmofMundus&Co。，solongasshewearsear-rings。
　　IthinkIrislovestoheartheLittleGentlemantalk。Shesmilessometimesathisvehementstatements，butneverlaughsathim。Whenhespeakstoher，shekeepshereyealwayssteadilyuponhim。Thismaybeonlynaturalgood-breeding，sotospeak，butitisworthnoticing。Ihaveoftenobservedthatvulgarpersons，andpublicaudiencesofinferiorcollectiveintelligence，havethisincommon:
　　theleastthingdrawsofftheirminds，whenyouarespeakingtothem。
　　Ilovethisyoungcreature’sraptattentiontoherdiminutiveneighborwhileheisspeaking。
　　Heisevidentlypleasedwithit。Foradayortwoaftershecame，hewassilentandseemednervousandexcited。Nowheisfondofgettingthetalkintohisownhands，andisobviouslyconsciousthathehasatleastoneinterestedlistener。OnceortwiceIhaveseenmarksofspecialattentiontopersonaladornment，aruffledshirt-bosom，oneday，andadiamondpininit，——notsoverylargeastheKoh-i-noor’s，butmorelustrous。Imentionedthedeath’s-headringhewearsonhisrighthand。Iwasattractedbyaveryhandsomeredstone，arubyorcarbuncleorsomethingofthesort，tonoticehislefthand，theotherday。Itisahandsomehand，andconfirmsmysuspicionthatthecastmentionedwastakenfromhisarm。Afterall，thisisjustwhatIshouldexpect。Itisnotveryuncommontoseetheupperlimbs，oroneofthem，runningawaywiththewholestrength，and，therefore，withthewholebeauty，whichweshouldneverhavenoticed，ifithadbeendividedequallybetweenallfourextremities。Ifitisso，ofcourseheisproudofhisonestrongandbeautifularm；thatishumannature。Iamafraidhecanhardlyhelpbetrayinghisfavoritism，aspeoplewhohaveanyoneshowypointareapttodo，——especiallydentistswithhandsometeeth，whoalwayssmilebacktotheirlastmolars。
　　Sitting，ashedoes，nexttotheyounggirl，andnextbutonetothecalmladywhohasherincharge，hecannothelpseeingtheirrelationstoeachother。
　　Thatisanadmirablewoman，Sir，——hesaidtomeoneday，aswesataloneatthetableafterbreakfast，——anadmirablewoman，Sir，——andI
　　hateher。
　　Ofcourse，Ibeggedanexplanation。
　　Anadmirablewoman，Sir，becauseshedoesgoodthings，andevenkindthings，——takescareofthis——this——younglady——wehavehere，talkslikeasensibleperson，andalwayslooksasifshewasdoingherdutywithallhermight。Ihateherbecausehervoicesoundsasifitnevertrembledandhereyeslookasifsheneverknewwhatitwastocry。Besides，shelooksatme，Sir，staresatme，asifshewantedtogetanimageofmeforsomegalleryinherbrain，——andwedon’tlovetobelookedatinthisway，wethathave——Ihateher，——Ihateher，——hereyeskillme，——itislikebeingstabbedwithiciclestobelookedatso，——thesoonershegoeshome，thebetter。Idon’twantawomantoweighmeinabalance；therearemenenoughforthatsortofwork。Thejudicialcharacterisn’tcaptivatinginfemales，Sir。A
　　womanfascinatesamanquiteasoftenbywhatsheoverlooksasbywhatshesees。Lovepreferstwilighttodaylight；andamandoesn’tthinkmuchof，norcaremuchfor，awomanoutsideofhishousehold，unlesshecancoupletheideaoflove，past，present，orfuture，withher。Idon’tbelievetheDevilwouldgivehalfasmuchfortheservicesofasinnerashewouldforthoseofoneofthesefolksthatarealwaysdoingvirtuousactsinawaytomakethemunpleasing——
　　Thatyounggirlwantsatendernaturetocherishherandgiveherachancetoputoutherleaves，——sunshine，andnoteastwinds。
　　Hewassilent，——andsatlookingathishandsomelefthandwiththeredstoneringuponit——IshegoingtofallinlovewithIris？
　　HerearesomelinesIreadtotheboarderstheotherday:——
　　THECROOKEDFOOTPATH
　　Ah，hereitis！theslidingrailThatmarkstheoldrememberedspot，——
　　Thegapthatstruckourschoolboytrail，——
　　Thecrookedpathacrossthelot。
　　Itlefttheroadbyschoolandchurch，Apencilledshadow，nothingmore，ThatpartedfromthesilverbirchAndendedatthefarmhousedoor。
　　Nolineorcompasstraceditsplan；
　　Withfrequentbendstoleftorright，Inaimless，waywardcurvesitran，Butalwayskeptthedoorinsight。
　　Thegabledporch，withwoodbinegreen，——
　　Thebrokenmillstoneatthesill，——
　　Thoughmanyaroodmightstretchbetween，Thetruantchildcouldseethemstill。
　　Norocks，acrossthepathwaylie，——
　　Nofallentrunkiso’eritthrown，——
　　Andyetitwinds，weknownotwhy，Andturnsasiffortreeorstone。
　　PerhapssomelovertrodthewayWithshakingkneesandleapingheart，——
　　AndsoitoftenrunsastrayWithsinuoussweeporsuddenstart。
　　Orone，perchance，withcloudedbrain>Fromsomeunholybanquetreeled，——
　　Andsince，ourdeviousstepsmaintainHistrackacrossthetroddenfield。
　　Nay，deemnotthus，——noearthbornwillCouldevertraceafaultlessline；
　　Ourtrueststepsarehumanstill，——
　　Towalkunswervingweredivine！
　　Truantsfromlove，wedreamofwrath；——
　　Oh，ratherletustrustthemore！
　　Throughallthewanderingsofthepath，WestillcanseeourFather’sdoor！
　　V
　　TheProfessorfindsaFlyinhisTeacup。
　　Ihavealongtheologicaltalktorelate，whichmustbedullreadingtosomeofmyyoungandvivaciousfriends。Idon’tknow，however，thatanyofthemhaveenteredintoacontracttoreadallthatI
　　write，orthatIhavepromisedalwaystowritetopleasethem。WhatifIshouldsometimeswritetopleasemyself？
　　Nowyoumustknowthatthereareagreatmanythingswhichinterestme，tosomeofwhichthisorthatparticularclassofreadersmaybetotallyindifferent。IloveNature，andhumannature，itsthoughts，affections，dreams，aspirations，delusions，——Artinallitsforms，——
　　virtuinallitseccentricities，——oldstoriesfromblack-lettervolumesandyellowmanuscripts，andnewprojectsoutofhotbrainsnotyetimbeddedinthesnowsofage。Ilovethegenerousimpulsesofthereformer；butnotlessdoesmyimaginationfeeditselfupontheoldlitanies，sooftenwarmedbythehumanbreathuponwhichtheywerewaftedtoHeaventhattheyglowthroughourframeslikeourownheart’sblood。IhopeIlovegoodmenandwomen；Iknowthattheyneverspeakawordtome，evenifitbeofquestionorblame，thatI
　　donottakepleasantly，ifitisexpressedwithareasonableamountofhumankindness。
　　Ihavebeforemeatthistimeabeautifulandaffectingletter，whichIhavehesitatedtoanswer，thoughthepostmarkuponitgaveitsdirection，andthenameisonewhichisknowntoall，insomeofitsrepresentatives。Itcontainsnoreproach，onlyadelicately-hintedfear。Speakgently，asthisdearladyhasspoken，andthereisnoheartsoinsensiblethatitdoesnotanswertotheappeal，nointellectsovirilethatitdoesnotownacertaindeferencetotheclaimsofage，ofchildhood，ofsensitiveandtimidnatures，whentheypleadwithitnottolookatthosesacredthingsbythebroaddaylightwhichtheyseeinmysticshadow。Howgratefulwoulditbetomakeperpetualpeacewiththesepleadingsaintsandtheirconfessors，bythesimpleactthatsilencesallcomplainings！Sleep，sleep，sleep！saystheArch-Enchantressofthemall，——andpoursherdarkandpotentanodyne，distilledoverthefiresthatconsumedherfoes，——itslarge，rounddropschanging，aswelook，intothebeadsofherconvert’srosary！Silence！theprideofreason！criesanother，whosewholelifeisspentinreasoningdownreason。
　　IhopeIlovegoodpeople，notfortheirsake，butformyown。Andmostassuredly，ifanydeedofwrongorwordofbitternessledmeintoanactofdisrespecttowardsthatenlightenedandexcellentclassofmenwhomakeittheircallingtoteachgoodnessandtheirdutytopractiseit，IshouldfeelthatIhaddonemyselfaninjuryratherthanthem。Goandtalkwithanyprofessionalmanholdinganyofthemedievalcreeds，choosingonewhowearsuponhisfeaturesthemarkofinwardandoutwardhealth，wholookscheerful，intelligent，andkindly，andseehowallyourprejudicesmeltawayinhispresence！Itisimpossibletocomeintointimaterelationswithalarge，sweetnature，suchasyoumayoftenfindinthisclass，withoutlongingtobeatonewithitinallitsmodesofbeingandbelieving。Butdoesitnotoccurtoyouthatonemaylovetruthasheseesit，andhisraceasheviewsit，betterthaneventhesympathyandapprobationofmanygoodmenwhomhehonors，——betterthansleepingtothesoundoftheMiserereorlisteningtotherepetitionofaneffeteConfessionofFaith？
　　Thethreelearnedprofessionshavebutrecentlyemergedfromastateofquasi-barbarism。Noneofthemliketoowelltobetoldofit，butitmustbesoundedintheirearswhenevertheyputonairs。Whenamanhastakenanoverdoseoflaudanum，thedoctorstellustoplacehimbetweentwopersonswhoshallmakehimwalkupanddownincessantly；andifhestillcannotbekeptfromgoingtosleep，theysaythatalashortwooverhisbackisofgreatassistance。
　　Sowemustkeepthedoctorsawakebytellingthemthattheyhavenotyetshakenoffastrologyandthedoctrineofsignatures，asisshownbytheformoftheirprescriptions，andtheiruseofnitrateofsilver，whichturnsepilepticsintoEthiopians。Ifthatisnotenough，theymustbegivenovertothescourgers，wholiketheirtaskandgetgoodfeesforit。Afewscoreyearsago，sickpeopleweremadetoswallowburnttoadsandpowderedearthwormsandtheexpressedjuiceofwood-lice。ThephysicianofCharlesI。andII。prescribedabominationsnottobenamed。Barbarism，asbadasthatofCongoorAshantee。Tracesofthisbarbarismlingereveninthegreatlyimprovedmedicalscienceofourcentury。Sowhilethesolemnfarceofover-druggingisgoingon，theworldover，theharlequinpseudo-
　　sciencejumpsontothestage，whipinhand，withhalf-a-dozensomersets，andbeginslayingabouthim。
　　In1817，perhapsyouremember，thelawofwagerbybattlewasunrepealed，andtherascallymurderous，andworsethanmurderous，clown，AbrahamThornton，putonhisgauntletinopencourtanddefiedtheappellanttolifttheotherwhichhethrewdown。ItwasnotuntilthereignofGeorgeII。thatthestatutesagainstwitchcraftwererepealed。AsfortheEnglishCourtofChancery，weknowthatitsantiquatedabusesformoneofthestaplesofcommonproverbsandpopularliterature。Sothelawsandthelawyershavetobewatchedperpetuallybypublicopinionasmuchasthedoctorsdo。
　　Idon’tthinktheotherprofessionisanexception。WhentheReverendMr。Cauvinandhisassociatesburnedmydistinguishedscientificbrother，——hewasburnedwithgreenfagots，whichmadeitratherslowandpainful，——itappearstometheywereinastateofreligiousbarbarism。ThedogmasofsuchpeopleabouttheFatherofMankindandhiscreaturesareofnomoreaccountinmyopinionthanthoseofacouncilofAztecs。Ifamanpicksyourpocket，doyounotconsiderhimtherebydisqualifiedtopronounceanyauthoritativeopiniononmattersofethics？Ifamanhangsmyancientfemalerelativesforsorcery，astheydidinthisneighborhoodalittlewhileago，orburnsmyinstructorfornotbelievingashedoes，I
　　carenomoreforhisreligiousedictsthanIshouldforthoseofanyotherbarbarian。
　　Ofcourse，abarbarianmayholdmanytrueopinions；butwhentheideasofthehealingart，oftheadministrationofjustice，ofChristianlove，couldnotexcludesystematicpoisoning，judicialduelling，andmurderforopinion’ssake，Idonotseehowwecantrusttheverdictofthattimerelatingtoanysubjectwhichinvolvestheprimalinstinctsviolatedintheseabominationsandabsurdities——
　　Whatifweareevennowinastateofsemi-barbarism？
　　[Thisphysicianbelieveswe"areevennowinastateofsemi-
　　barbarism":invasiveproceduresfortheprolongationofdeathratherthanprolongationoflife；"faith"，asslimlybasedasmedievalfaithinminutedifferencesbetweencontrolandtreatedgroups；statisticalmanipulationtoproveaprejudice。Medicinehasagooddealtoanswerfor！D。W。]
　　Perhapssomethinkweoughtnottotalkattableaboutsuchthings——
　　Iamnotsosureofthat。Religionandgovernmentappeartomethetwosubjectswhichofallothersshouldbelongtothecommontalkofpeoplewhoenjoytheblessingsoffreedom。Think，onemoment。Theearthisagreatfactory-wheel，which，ateveryrevolutiononitsaxis，receivesfiftythousandrawsoulsandturnsoffnearlythesamenumberworkedupmoreorlesscompletely。Theremustbesomewhereapopulationoftwohundredthousandmillion，perhapstenorahundredtimesasmany，earth-bornintelligences。Life，aswecallit，isnothingbuttheedgeoftheboundlessoceanofexistencewhereitcomesonsoundings。Inthisview，Idonotseeanythingsofittotalkabout，orhalfsointeresting，asthatwhichrelatestotheinnumerablemajorityofourfellow-creatures，thedead-living，whoarehundredsofthousandstooneofthelive-living，andwithwhomweallpotentiallybelong，thoughwehavegottangledforthepresentinsomeparcelsoffibrine，albumen，andphosphates，thatkeepusontheminoritysideofthehouse。Inpointoffact，itisoneofthemanyresultsofSpiritualismtomakethepermanentdestinyoftheraceamatterofcommonreflectionanddiscourse，andavehiclefortheprevailingdisbeliefoftheMiddle-Agedoctrinesonthesubject。I
　　cannothelpthinking，whenIrememberhowmanyconversationsmyfriendandmyselfhavesported，thatitwouldbeveryextraordinary，iftherewerenomentionofthatclassofsubjectswhichinvolvesallthatwehaveandallthatwehope，notmerelyforourselves，butforthedearpeoplewhomwelovebest，——noblemen，pureandlovelywomen，ingenuouschildren，aboutthedestinyofninetenthsofwhomyouknowtheopinionsthatwouldhavebeentaughtbythoseoldman-roasting，woman-stranglingdogmatists——However，Ifoughtthismatterwithoneofourboarderstheotherday，andIamgoingtoreporttheconversation。
　　Thedivinity-studentcamedown，onemorning，lookingrathermoreseriousthanusual。Hesaidlittleatbreakfast-time，butlingeredaftertheothers，sothatI，whoamapttobelongatthetable，foundmyselfalonewithhim。
　　Whentherestwereallgone，heturnedhischairroundtowardsmine，andbegan。
　　Iamafraid，——hesaid，——youexpressyourselfalittletoofreelyonamostimportantclassofsubjects。Istherenotdangerinintroducingdiscussionsorallusionsrelatingtomattersofreligionintocommondiscourse？
　　Dangertowhat？——Iasked。
　　Dangertotruth，——hereplied，afteraslightpause。
　　Ididn’tknowTruthwassuchaninvalid，’Isaid——Howlongisitsinceshecouldonlytaketheairinaclosecarriage，withagentlemaninablackcoatonthebox？Letmetellyouastory，adaptedtoyoungpersons，butwhichwon’thurtolderones——
　　Therewasaverylittleboywhohadoneofthoseballoonsyoumayhaveseen，whicharefilledwithlightgas，andareheldbyastringtokeepthemfromrunningoffinaeronauticvoyagesontheirownaccount。Thislittleboyhadanaughtybrother，whosaidtohim，oneday，——Brother，pulldownyourballoon，sothatIcanlookatitandtakeholdofit。Thenthelittleboypulleditdown。Nowthenaughtybrotherhadasharppininhishand，andhethrustitintotheballoon，andallthegasoozedout，sothattherewasnothingleftbutashrivelledskin。
　　Oneevening，thelittleboy’sfathercalledhimtothewindowtoseethemoon，whichpleasedhimverymuch；butpresentlyhesaid，——
　　Father，donotpullthestringandbringdownthemoon，formynaughtybrotherwillprickit，andthenitwillallshrivelupandweshallnotseeitanymore。
　　Thenhisfatherlaughed，andtoldhimhowthemoonhadbeenshiningagoodwhile，andwouldshineagoodwhilelonger，andthatallwecoulddowastokeepourwindowsclean，neverlettingthedustgettoothickonthem，andespeciallytokeepoureyesopen，butthatwecouldnotpullthemoondownwithastring，norprickitwithapin——
　　Mindyouthis，too，themoonisnoman’sprivateproperty，butisseenfromagoodmanyparlor-windows——
　　Truthistough。Itwillnotbreak，likeabubble，atatouch；nay，youmaykickitaboutallday，likeafootball，anditwillberoundandfullatevening。DoesnotMr。Bryantsay，thatTruthgetswellifsheisrunoverbyalocomotive，whileErrordiesoflockjawifshescratchesherfinger？[Wouldthatthiswasso:——error，superstition，mysticism，authoritarianism，pseudo-scienceallhaveatenacitythatsurvivesinexplicably。D。W。]Ineverheardthatamathematicianwasalarmedforthesafetyofademonstratedproposition。Ithink，generally，thatfearofopendiscussionimpliesfeeblenessofinwardconviction，andgreatsensitivenesstotheexpressionofindividualopinionisamarkofweakness——
　　Iamnotsomuchafraidfortruth，——saidthedivinity-student，——asfortheconceptionsoftruthinthemindsofpersonsnotaccustomedtojudgewiselytheopinionsutteredbeforethem。
　　Wouldyou，then，banishallallusionstomattersofthisnaturefromthesocietyofpeoplewhocometogetherhabitually？
　　Iwouldbeverycarefulinintroducingthem，——saidthedivinity-
　　student。
　　Yes，butfriendsofyoursleavepamphletsinpeople’sentries，tobepickedupbynervousmissesandhysterichousemaids，fullofdoctrinesthesepeopledonotapprove。Someofyourfriendsstoplittlechildreninthestreet，andgivethembooks，whichtheirparents，whohavehadthembaptizedintotheChristianfoldandgivethemwhattheyconsiderproperreligiousinstruction，donotthinkfitforthem。Onewouldsayitwasfairenoughtotalkaboutmattersthusforceduponpeople’sattention。
　　Thedivinity-studentcouldnotdenythatthiswaswhatmightbecalledopeningthesubjecttothediscussionofintelligentpeople。
　　But，——hesaid，——thegreatestobjectionisthis，thatpersonswhohavenotmadeaprofessionalstudyoftheologyarenotcompetenttospeakonsuchsubjects。Supposeaministerweretoundertaketoexpressopinionsonmedicalsubjects，forinstance，wouldyounotthinkhewasgoingbeyondhisprovince？
　　Ilaughed，——forIrememberedJohnWesley’s"sulphurandsupplication，"andsomanyothercaseswhereministershadmeddledwithmedicine，——sometimeswellandsometimesill，but，asageneralrule，withatremendouslurchtoquackery，owingtotheirveryloosewayofadmittingevidence，——thatIcouldnothelpbeingamused。
　　Ibegyourpardon，——Isaid，——Idonotwishtobeimpolite，butIwasthinkingoftheircertificatestopatentmedicines。Letuslookatthismatter。
　　Ifaministerhadattendedlecturesonthetheoryandpracticeofmedicine，deliveredbythosewhohadstudieditmostdeeply，forthirtyorfortyyears，attherateoffromfiftytoonehundredayear，——ifhehadbeenconstantlyreadingandhearingreadthemostapprovedtext-booksonthesubject，——ifhehadseenmedicineactuallypractisedaccordingtodifferentmethods，daily，forthesamelengthoftime，——Ishouldthink，thatifapersonofaverageunderstanding，hewasentitledtoexpressanopiniononthesubjectofmedicine，orelsethathisinstructorswereasetofignorantandincompetentcharlatans。
　　If，beforeamedicalpractitionerwouldallowmetoenjoythefullprivilegesofthehealingart，heexpectedmetoaffirmmybeliefinaconsiderablenumberofmedicaldoctrines，drugs，andformulae，I
　　shouldthinkthathetherebyimpliedmyrighttodiscussthesame，andmyabilitytodoso，ifIknewhowtoexpressmyselfinEnglish。
　　Suppose，forinstance，theMedicalSocietyshouldrefusetogiveusanopiate，ortosetabrokenlimb，untilwehadsignedourbeliefinacertainnumberofpropositions，——ofwhichwewillsaythisisthefirst:
　　I。Allmen’steetharenaturallyinastateoftotaldecayorcaries，and，therefore，nomancanbiteuntileveryoneofthemisextractedandanewsetisinsertedaccordingtotheprinciplesofdentistryadoptedbythisSociety。
　　I，forone，shouldwanttodiscussthatbeforesigningmynametoit，andIshouldsaythis:——Why，no，thatisn’ttrue。Thereareagoodmanybadteeth，weallknow，butagreatmanymoregoodones。Youmustn’ttrustthedentists；theyareallthetimelookingatthepeoplewhohavebadteeth，andsuchasaresufferingfromtoothache。
　　Theideathatyoumustpullouteveryoneofeveryniceyoungmanandyoungwoman’snaturalteeth！Poh，poh！Nobodybelievesthat。Thistoothmustbestraightened，thatmustbefilledwithgold，andthisotherperhapsextracted，butitmustbeaveryrarecase，iftheyareallsobadastorequireextraction；andiftheyare，don’tblamethepoorsoulforit！Don’ttellus，assomeolddentistsusedto，thateverybodynotonlyalwayshaseverytoothinhisheadgoodfornothing，butthatheoughttohavehisheadcutoffasapunishmentforthatmisfortune！No，Ican’tsignNumberOne。GiveusNumberTwo。
　　II。Weholdthatnomancanbewellwhodoesnotagreewithourviewsoftheefficacyofcalomel，andwhodoesnottakethedosesofitprescribedinourtables，astheredirected。
　　TowhichIdemur，questioningwhyitshouldbeso，andgetforanswerthetwofollowing:
　　III。Everymanwhodoesnottakeourpreparedcalomel，asprescribedbyusinourConstitutionandBy-Laws，isandmustbeamassofdiseasefromheadtofoot；itbeingself-evidentthatheissimultaneouslyaffectedwithApoplexy，Arthritis，Ascites，Asphyxia，andAtrophy；withBorborygmus，Bronchitis，andBulimia；withCachexia，Carcinoma，andCretinismus；andsoonthroughthealphabet，toXerophthahniaandZona，withallpossibleandincompatiblediseaseswhicharenecessarytomakeupatotallymorbidstate；andhewillcertainlydie，ifhedoesnottakefreelyofourpreparedcalomel，tobeobtainedonlyofoneofourauthorizedagents。
　　IV。Nomanshallbeallowedtotakeourpreparedcalomelwhodoesnotgiveinhissolemnadhesiontoeachandalloftheabove-namedandthefollowingpropositionsfromtentoahundredandshowhismouthtocertainofourapothecaries，whohavenotstudieddentistry，toexaminewhetherallhisteethhavebeenextractedandanewsetinsertedaccordingtoourregulations。
　　Ofcourse，thedoctorshavearighttosaywesha’n’thaveanyrhubarb，ifwedon’tsigntheirarticles，andthat，if，aftersigningthem，weexpressdoubtsinpublic，aboutanyofthem，theywillcutusofffromourjalapandsquills，——butthentoaskafellownottodiscussthepropositionsbeforehesignsthemiswhatIshouldcallboilingitdownalittletoostrong！
　　Ifweunderstandthem，whycan’twediscussthem？Ifwecan’tunderstandthem，becausewehaven’ttakenamedicaldegree，whattheFatherofLiesdotheyaskustosignthemfor？
　　Justsowiththegraverprofession。Everynowandthensomeofitsmembersseemtolosecommonsenseandcommonhumanity。Thelaymenhavetokeepsettingthedivinesrightconstantly。Science，forinstance，——inotherwords，knowledge，——isnottheenemyofreligion；
　　for，ifso，thenreligionwouldmeanignorance:Butitisoftentheantagonistofschool-divinity。
　　Everybodyknowsthestoryofearlyastronomyandtheschool-divines。
　　Comedownalittlelater，ArchbishopUsher，averylearnedProtestantprelate，tellsusthattheworldwascreatedonSunday，thetwenty-
　　thirdofOctober，fourthousandandfouryearsbeforethebirthofChrist。Deluge，December7th，twothousandthreehundredandforty-
　　eightyearsB。C。Yes，andtheearthstandsonanelephant，andtheelephantonatortoise。Onestatementisasnearthetruthastheother。
　　Again，thereisnothingsobrutalizingtosomenaturesasmoralsurgery。IhaveoftenwonderedthatHogarthdidnotaddonemorepicturetohisfourstagesofCruelty。Thosewretchedfools，reverenddivinesandothers，whowerestranglingmenandwomenforimaginarycrimesalittlemorethanacenturyagoamongus，weresetrightbyalayman，andveryangryitmadethemtohavehimmeddle。
　　ThegoodpeopleofNorthamptonhadaveryremarkablemanfortheirclergyman，——amanwithabrainasnicelyadjustedforcertainmechanicalprocessesasBabbage’scalculatingmachine。ThecommentaryofthelaymenonthepreachingandpractisingofJonathanEdwardswas，that，aftertwenty-threeyearsofendurance，theyturnedhimoutbyavoteoftwentytoone，andpassedaresolvethatheshouldneverpreachforthemagain。Aman’slogicalandanalyticaladjustmentsareoflittleconsequence，comparedtohisprimaryrelationswithNatureandtruth:andpeoplehavesenseenoughtofinditoutinthelongran；theyknowwhat"logic"isworth。
　　Inthatmiserabledelusionreferredtoabove，thereverendAztecsandFijiansarguedrightlyenoughfromtheirpremises，nodoubt，formanymencandothis。Butcommonsenseandcommonhumanitywereunfortunatelyleftoutfromtheirpremises，andalaymanhadtosupplythem。Ahundredmoreyearsandmanyofthebarbarismsstilllingeringamonguswill，ofcourse，havedisappearedlikewitch-
　　hanging。Butpeoplearesensitivenow，astheywerethen。YouwillseebythisextractthattheRev。CottonMatherdidnotlikeintermeddlingwithhisbusinessverywell。
　　"LettheLevitesoftheLordkeepclosetotheirInstructions，"hesays，"andGodwillsmitethro’theloinsofthosethatriseupagainstthem。IwillreportuntoyouaThingwhichmanyHundredsamongusknowtobetrue。TheGodlyMinisterofacertainTowninConnecticut，whenhehadoccasiontobeabsentonaLord’sDayfromhisFlock，employ’danhonestNeighbourofsomesmallTalentsforaMechanick，toreadaSermonoutofsomegoodBookunto’em。ThisHonest，whomtheyevercountedalsoaPiousMan，hadsomuchconceitofhisTalents，thatinsteadofReadingaSermonappointed，hetotheSurprizeofthePeople，felltopreachingoneofhisown。ForhisTexthetooktheseWords，’DespisenotProphecyings’；andinhisPreachmenthebetookhimselftobewailtheEnvyoftheClergyintheLand，inthattheydidnotwishalltheLord’sPeopletobeProphets，andcallforthPrivateBrethrenpublicklytoprophesie。WhilehewasthusinthemidstofhisExercise，GodsmotehimwithhorribleMadness；hewastakenravinglydistracted；thePeoplewereforc’dwithviolentHandstocarryhimhome。IwillnotmentionhisName:
　　HewasreputedaPiousMan。"——ThisisoneofCottonMather’s"RemarkableJudgmentsofGod，onSeveralSortsofOffenders，"——andthenextcasesreferredtoaretheJudgmentsonthe"AbominableSacrilege"ofnotpayingtheMinisters’Salaries。
　　Thissortofthingdoesn’tdohereandnow，yousee，myyoungfriend！Wetalkaboutourfreeinstitutions；——theyarenothingbutacoarseoutsidemachinerytosecurethefreedomofindividualthought。