AndIhaven”tacent。That”smytaleofwoe。”
　　“Toughluck，“saidThomas。“Amanalonecanpullthroughallright。ButIhatetoseethewomenandkidsgettheworstofit。”
　　JustthentherehummedupFifthAvenueamotorcarsosplendid，sored，sosmoothlyrunning，socraftilydemolishingthespeedregulationsthatitdrewtheattentionevenofthelistlessBedLiners。Suspendedandpinionedonitsleftsidewasanextratire。
　　Whenoppositetheunfortunatecompanythefasteningsofthistirebecameloosed。Itfelltotheasphalt，boundedandrolledrapidlyinthewakeoftheflyingcar。
　　ThomasMcQuade，scentinganopportunity，dartedfromhisplaceamongthePreacher”sgoats。Inthirtysecondshehadcaughttherollingtire，swungitoverhisshoulder，andwastrottingsmartlyafterthecar。Onbothsidesoftheavenuepeoplewereshouting，whistling，andwavingcanesattheredcar，pointingtotheenterprisingThomascomingupwiththelosttire。
　　Onedollar，Thomashadestimated，wasthesmallestguerdonthatsograndanautomobilistcouldofferfortheservicehehadrendered，andsavehispride。
　　Twoblocksawaythecarhadstopped。Therewasalittle，brown，muffledchauffeurdriving，andanimposinggentlemanwearingamagnificentsealskincoatandasilkhatonarearseat。
　　Thomasprofferedthecapturedtirewithhisbestex-coachmanmannerandalookinthebrighterofhisreddenedeyesthatwasmeanttobesuggestivetotheextentofasilvercoinortwoandreceptiveuptohigherdenominations。
　　Butthelookwasnotsoconstrued。Thesealskinnedgentlemanreceivedthetire，placeditinsidethecar，gazedintentlyattheex-
　　coachman，andmutteredtohimselfinscrutablewords。
　　“Strange——strange！“saidhe。“OnceortwiceevenI，myself，havefanciedthattheChaldeanChiroscopehasavailed。Coulditbepossible？“
　　ThenheaddressedlessmysteriouswordstothewaitingandhopefulThomas。
　　“Sir，Ithankyouforyourkindrescueofmytire。AndIwouldaskyou，ifImay，aquestion。DoyouknowthefamilyofVanSmuytheslivinginWashingtonSquareNorth？“
　　“Oughtn”tIto？“repliedThomas。“Ilivedthere。WishIdidyet。”
　　Thesealskinnedgentlemanopenedadoorofthecar。
　　“Stepinplease，“hesaid。“Youhavebeenexpected。”
　　ThomasMcQuadeobeyedwithsurprisebutwithouthesitation。A
　　seatinamotorcarseemedbetterthanstandingroomintheBedLine。Butafterthelap-robehadbeentuckedabouthimandtheautohadspedonitscourse，thepeculiarityoftheinvitationlingeredinhismind。
　　“Maybetheguyhasn”tgotanychange，“washisdiagnosis。“Lotsoftheseswellroundersdon”tlugaboutanyreadymoney。Guesshe”lldumpmeoutwhenhegetstosomejointwherehecangetcashonhismug。Anyhow，it”sacinchthatI”vegotthatopen-airbedconventionbeattoafinish。”
　　Submergedinhisgreatcoat，themysteriousautomobilistseemed，himself，tomarvelatthesurprisesoflife。“Wonderful！amazing！
　　strange！“herepeatedtohimselfconstantly。
　　WhenthecarhadwellenteredthecrosstownSeventies，itswungeastwardahalfblockandstoppedbeforearowofhigh-stooped，brownstone-fronthouses。
　　“Bekindenoughtoentermyhousewithme，“saidthesealskinnedgentlemanwhentheyhadalighted。“He”sgoingtodigup，sure，“
　　reflectedThomas，followinghiminside。
　　Therewasadimlightinthehall。Hishostconductedhimthroughadoortotheleft，closingitafterhimandleavingtheminabsolutedarkness。Suddenlyaluminousglobe，strangelydecorated，shonefaintlyinthecentreofanimmenseroomthatseemedtoThomasmoresplendidlyappointedthananyhehadeverseenonthestageorreadofinfairytales。
　　Thewallswerehiddenbygorgeousredhangingsembroideredwithfantasticgoldfigures。Attherearendoftheroomweredrapedporti`eresofdullgoldspangledwithsilvercrescentsandstars。
　　Thefurniturewasofthecostliestandrareststyles。Theex-
　　coachman”sfeetsankintorugsasfleecyanddeepassnowdrifts。
　　Therewerethreeorfouroddlyshapedstandsortablescoveredwithblackvelvetdrapery。
　　ThomasMcQuadetookinthesplendorsofthispalatialapartmentwithoneeye。Withtheotherhelookedforhisimposingconductor——tofindthathehaddisappeared。
　　“B”gee！“mutteredThomas，“thislistenslikeaspookshop。
　　Shouldn”twonderifitain”toneoftheseMoravianNights”
　　adventuresthatyoureadabout。Wonderwhatbecameofthefurryguy。”
　　Suddenlyastuffedowlthatstoodonanebonyperchneartheilluminatedglobeslowlyraisedhiswingsandemittedfromhiseyesabrilliantelectricglow。
　　Withafright-bornimprecation，ThomasseizedabronzestatuetteofHebefromacabinetnearbyandhurleditwithallhismightattheterrifyingandimpossiblefowl。Theowlandhisperchwentoverwithacrash。Withthesoundtherewasaclick，andtheroomwasfloodedwithlightfromadozenfrostedglobesalongthewallsandceiling。Thegoldporti`erespartedandclosed，andthemysteriousautomobilistenteredtheroom。Hewastallandworeeveningdressofperfectcutandaccuratetaste。AVandykebeardofglossy，goldenbrown，ratherlongandwavyhair，smoothlyparted，andlarge，magnetic，orientallyocculteyesgavehimamostimpressiveandstrikingappearance。IfyoucanconceiveaRussianGrandDukeinaRajah”sthroneroomadvancingtogreetavisitingEmperor，youwillgathersomethingofthemajestyofhismanner。
　　ButThomasMcQuadewastoonearhis_dt”s_tobemindfulofhis_p”s_and_q”s_。Whenheviewedthissilken，polished，andsomewhatterrifyinghosthethoughtvaguelyofdentists。
　　“Say，doc，“saidheresentfully，“that”sahotbirdyoukeepontap。I
　　hopeIdidn”tbreakanything。ButI”venearlygotthewilliwalloos，andwhenhethrewthem32-candle-power-lampsofhisonme，I
　　tookasnap-shotathimwiththatlittlebrassFlatironGirlthatstoodonthesideboard。”
　　“Thatismerelyamechanicaltoy，“saidthegentlemanwithawaveofhishand。“MayIaskyoutobeseatedwhileIexplainwhyI
　　broughtyoutomyhouse。Perhapsyouwouldnotunderstandnorbeinsympathywiththepsychologicalpromptingthatcausedmetodoso。SoIwillcometothepointatoncebyventuringtorefertoyouradmissionthatyouknowtheVanSmuythefamily，ofWashingtonSquareNorth。”
　　“Anysilvermissing，“askedThomastartly。“Anyjoolrydisplaced？
　　OfcourseIknow”em。Anyoftheoldladies”sunshadesdisappeared？Well，Iknow”em。Andthenwhat？“
　　TheGrandDukerubbedhiswhitehandstogethersoftly。
　　“Wonderful！“hemurmured。“Wonderful！ShallIcometobelieveintheChaldeanChiroscopemyself？Letmeassureyou，“hecontinued，“thatthereisnothingforyoutofear。Instead，IthinkI
　　canpromiseyouthatverygoodfortuneawaitsyou。Wewillsee。”
　　“Dotheywantmeback？“askedThomas，withsomethingofhisoldprofessionalprideinhisvoice。“I”llpromisetocutouttheboozeanddotherightthingifthey”lltrymeagain。Buthowdidyougetwise，doc？B”gee，it”stheswellestemploymentagencyI
　　waseverin，withitsflashlightowlsandsoforth。”
　　Withanindulgentsmilethegracioushostbeggedtobeexcusedfortwominutes。Hewentouttothesidewalkandgaveanordertothechauffeur，whostillwaitedwiththecar。Returningtothemysteriousapartment，hesatbyhisguestandbegantoentertainhimsowellbyhiswittyandgenialconversethatthepoorBedLineralmostforgotthecoldstreetsfromwhichhehadbeensorecentlyandsosingularlyrescued。Aservantbroughtsometendercoldfowlandteabiscuitsandaglassofmiraculouswine；andThomasfelttheglamourofArabiaenvelophim。Thushalfanhourspedquickly；andthenthehonkofthereturnedmotorcaratthedoorsuddenlydrewtheGrandDuketohisfeet，withanothersoftpetitionforabriefabsence。
　　Twowomen，wellmuffledagainstthecold，wereadmittedatthefrontdoorandsuavelyconductedbythemasterofthehousedownthehallthroughanotherdoortotheleftandintoasmallerroom，whichwasscreenedandsegregatedfromthelargerfrontroombyheavy，doubleporti`eres。herethefurnishingswereevenmoreelegantandexquisitelytastefulthanintheother。Onagold-inlaidrosewoodtablewerescatteredsheetsofwhitepaperandaqueer，triangularinstrumentortoy，apparentlyofgold，standingonlittlewheels。
　　Thetallerwomanthrewbackherblackveilandloosenedhercloak。Shewasfifty，withawrinkledandsadface。Theother，youngandplump，tookachairalittledistanceawayandtotherearasaservantoranattendantmighthavedone。
　　“Yousentforme，ProfessorCherubusco，“saidtheelderwoman，wearily。“Ihopeyouhavesomethingmoredefinitethanusualtosay。I”veaboutlostthelittlefaithIhadinyourart。Iwouldnothaverespondedtoyourcallthiseveningifmysisterhadnotinsisteduponit。”
　　“Madam，“saidtheprofessor，withhisprinceliestsmile，“thetrueArtcannotfail。Tofindthetruepsychicandpotentialbranchsometimesrequirestime。Wehavenotsucceeded，Iadmint，withthecards，thecrystal，thestars，themagicformulaeofZarazin，northeOracleofPo。Butwehaveatlastdiscoveredthetruepsychicroute。TheChaldeanChiroscopehasbeensuccessfulinoursearch。”
　　Theprofessor”svoicehadaringthatseemedtoproclaimhisbeliefinhisownwords。Theelderlyladylookedathimwithalittlemoreinterest。
　　“Why，therewasnosenseinthosewordsthatitwrotewithmyhandsonit，“shesaid。“Whatdoyoumean？“
　　“Thewordswerethese，“saidProfessorCherubusco，risingtohisfullmagnificentheight：_“Bythefifthwheelofthechariotheshallcome。”_
　　“Ihaven”tseenmanychariots，“saidthelady，“butIneversawonewithfivewheels。”
　　“Progress，“saidtheprofessor”progressinscienceandmechanicshasaccomplishedit——though，tobeexact，wemayspeakofitonlyasanextratire。Progressinoccultarthasadvancedinproportion。
　　Madam，IrepeatthattheChaldeanChiroscopehassucceeded。I
　　cannotonlyanswerthequestionthatyouhavepropounded，butI
　　canproducebeforeyoureyestheproofthereof。”
　　Andnowtheladywasdisturbedbothinherdisbeliefandinherpoise。
　　“Oprofessor！“shecriedanxiously”When？——where？Hashebeenfound？Donotkeepmeinsuspense。”
　　“Ibegyouwillexcusemeforaveryfewminutes，“saidProfessorCherubusco，“andIthinkIcandemonstratetoyoutheefficacyofthetrueArt。”
　　Thomaswascontentedlymunchingthelastcrumbsofthebreadandfowlwhentheenchanterappearedsuddenlyathisside。
　　“Areyouwillingtoreturntoyouroldhomeifyouareassuredofawelcomeandrestorationtofavor？“heasked，withhiscourteous，royalsmile。
　　“DoIlookbughouse？“answeredThomas。“Enoughofthefootbacklifeforme。Butwilltheyhavemeagain？Theoldladyisasfixedinherwaysasanutonanewaxle。”
　　“Mydearyoungman，“saidtheother，“shehasbeensearchingforyoueverywhere。”
　　“Great！“saidThomas。“I”monthejob。Thatteamofdropsicaldomedariestheycallhorsesisahandicapforafirst-classcoachmanlikemyself；butI”lltakethejobback，sure，doc。They”regoodpeopletobewith。”
　　Andnowachangecameo”erthesuavecountenanceoftheCaliphofBagdad。Helookedkeenlyandsuspiciouslyattheex-
　　coachman。
　　“MayIaskwhatyournameis？“hesaidshortly。
　　“You”vebeenlookingforme，“saidThomas，“anddon”tknowmyname？You”reafunnykindofsleuth。YoumustbeoneoftheCentralOfficegumshoers。I”mThomasMcQuade，ofcourse；andI”vebeenchauffeuroftheVanSmuytheelephantteamforayear。
　　Theyfiredmeamonthagofor——well，doc，yousawwhatIdidtoyouroldowl。Iwentbrokeonbooze，andwhenIsawthetiredropoffyourwhizwagonIwasstandinginthatsquadofhoboesattheWorthmonumentwaitingforafreebed。Now，what”stheprizeforthebestanswertoallthis？“
　　TohisintensesurpriseThomasfelthimselfliftedbythecollaranddragged，withoutawordofexplanation，tothefrontdoor。Thiswasopened，andhewaskickedforciblydownthestepswithoneheavy，disillusionizing，humiliatingimpactofthestupendousArabian”sshoe。
　　Assoonastheex-coachmanhadrecoveredhisfeetandhiswitshehastenedasfastashecouldeastwardtowardBroadway。
　　“Crazyguy，“washisestimateofthemysteriousautomobilist。
　　“Justwantedtohavesomefunkiddin”，Iguess。Hemighthavedugupadollar，anyhow。NowI”vegottohurryupandgetbacktothatgangofbumbedhuntersbeforetheyallgetpreachedtosleep。”
　　WhenThomasreachedtheendofhistwo-milewalkhefoundtheranksofthehomelessreducedtoasquadofperhapseightorten。
　　Hetooktheproperplaceofanewcomerattheleftendoftherearrank。Inafileinfrontofhimwastheyoungmanwhohadspokentohimofhospitalsandsomethingofawifeandchild。
　　“Sorrytoseeyoubackagain，“saidtheyoungman，turningtospeaktohim。“Ihopedyouhadstrucksomethingbetterthanthis。”
　　“Me？“saidThomas。“Oh，Ijusttookarunaroundtheblocktokeepwarm！Iseethepublicain”tlendingtotheLordveryfastto-
　　night。”
　　“Inthiskindofweather，“saidtheyoungman，“charityavailsitselfoftheproverb，andbothbeginsandendsathome。”
　　AndthePreacherandhisvehementlieutenantstruckupalasthymnofpetitiontoProvidenceandman。ThoseoftheBedLinerswhosewindpipesstillregisteredabove32degreeshopelesslyandtunelesslyjoinedin。
　　InthemiddleofthesecondverseThomassawasturdygirlwithwind-tosseddraperybattlingagainstthebreezeandcomingstraighttowardhimfromtheoppositesidewalk。“Annie！“heyelled，andrantowardher。
　　“Youfool，youfool！“shecried，weepingandlaughing，andhanginguponhisneck，“whydidyoudoit？“
　　“TheStuff，“explainedThomasbriefly。“Youknow。Butsubsequentlynit。Notadrop。”Heledhertothecurb。“Howdidyouhappentoseeme？“
　　“Icametofindyou，“saidAnnie，holdingtighttohissleeve。“Oh，youbigfool！ProfessorCherubuscotoldusthatwemightfindyouhere。”
　　“ProfessorCh——Dont”knowtheguy。Whatsaloondoesheworkin？“
　　“He”saclairvoyant，Thomas；thegreatestintheworld。HefoundyouwiththeChaldeantelescope，hesaid。”
　　“He”saliar，“saidThomas。“Ineverhadit。Heneversawmehaveanybody”stelescope。”
　　“Andhesaidyoucameinachariotwithfivewheelsorsomething。”
　　“Annie，“saidThomssolicitously，“you”regivingmethewheelsnow。IfIhadachariotI”dhavegonetobedinitlongago。Andwithoutanysingingandpreachingforanightcap，either。”
　　“Listen，youbigfool。TheMississaysshe”lltakeyouback。I
　　beggedherto。Butyoumustbehave。Andyoucangouptothehouseto-night；andyouroldroomoverthestableisready。”
　　“Great！“saidThomasearnestly。“YouareIt，Annie。Butwhendidthesestuntshappen？“
　　“To-nightatProfessorCherubusco”s。HesenthisautomobilefortheMissis，andshetookmealong。I”vebeentherewithherbefore。”
　　“What”stheprofessor”sline？“
　　“He”saclairvoyantandawitch。TheMissisconsultshim。Heknowseverything。Buthehasn”tdonetheMissisanygoodyet，thoughshe”spaidhimhundredsofdollars。Buthetoldusthatthestarstoldhimwecouldfindyouhere。”
　　“What”stheoldladywantthischerry-bustertodo？“
　　“That”safamilysecret，“saidAnnie。“Andnowyou”veaskedenoughquestions。Comeonhome，youbigfool。”
　　TheyhadmovedbutalittlewayupthestreetwhenThomasstopped。
　　“Gotanydoughwithyou，Annie？“heasked。
　　Annielookedathimsharply。
　　“Oh，Iknowwhatthatlookmeans，“saidThomas。“You”rewrong。
　　Notanotherdrop。Butthere”saguythatwasstandingnexttomeinthebedlineovertherethat”sinbadshape。He”stherightkind，andhe”sgotwivesorkidsorsomething，andhe”sonthesicklist。
　　Nobooze。IfyoucoulddiguphalfadollarforhimsohecouldgetadecentbedI”dlikeit。”
　　Annie”sfingersbegantowiggleinherpurse。
　　“Sure，I”vegotmoney，“saidshe。“Lotsofit。Twelvedollars。”
　　Andthensheadded，withwoman”sineradicablesuspicionofvicariousbenevolence：“Bringhimhereandletmeseehimfirst。”
　　Thomaswentonhismission。ThewanBedLinercamereadilyenough。Asthetwodrewnear，Annielookedupfromherpurseandscreamed：
　　“Mr。Walter——Oh——Mr。Walter！：
　　“Isthatyou，Annie？“saidtheyoungmanmeekly。
　　“Oh，Mr。Walter！——andtheMissishuntinghighandlowforyou！“
　　“Doesmotherwanttoseeme？“heasked，withaflushcomingoutonhispalecheek。
　　“She”sbeenhuntingforyouhighandlow。Sure，shewantstoseeyou。Shewantsyoutocomehome。She”striedpoliceandmorguesandlawyersandadvertisinganddetectivesandrewardsandeverything。Andthenshetookupclearvoyants。You”llgorighthome，won”tyou，Mr。Walter？“
　　“Gladly，ifshewantsme，“saidtheyoungman。“Threeyearsisalongtime。IsupposeI”llhavetowalkup，though，unlessthestreetcarsaregivingfreerides。Iusedtowalkandbeatthatoldplugteamofbaysweusedtodrivetothecarriage。Havetheygotthemyet？“
　　“Theyhave，“saidThomas，feelingly。“Andthey”llhave”emtenyearsfromnow。Thelifeoftheroyalelephantibustruckhorseibusisonehundredandforty-nineyears。I”mthecoachman。Justgotmyreappointmentfiveminutesago。Let”sallrideupinasurfacecar——thatis——er——ifAnniewillpaythefares。”
　　OntheBroadwaycarAnniehandedeachoneoftheprodigalsanickeltopaytheconductor。
　　“Seemstomeyouaremightyrecklessthewayyouthrowlargesumsofmoneyaround，“saidThomassarcastically。
　　“Inthatpurse，“saidAnniedecidedly，“isexactly$11。85。Ishalltakeeverycentofitto-morrowandgiveittoprofessorCherubusco，thegreatestmanintheworld。”
　　“Well，“saidThomas，“Iguesshemustbeaprettyflyguytopipeoffthingsthewayhedoes。I”mgladhisspookstoldhimwhereyoucouldfindme。Ifyou”llgivemehisaddress，somedayI”llgoupthere，myself，andshakehishand。”
　　PresentlyThomasmovedtentativelyinhisseat，andthoughtfullyfeltanabrasionortwoonhiskneesandhiselbows。
　　“Say，Annie，“saidheconfidentially，maybeit”soneofthelastdreamsofbooze，butI”veakindofarecollectionofridinginauthomobilewithaswellguythattookmetoahousefullofeaglesandarclights。Hefedmeonbiscuitsandhotair，andthenkickedmedownthefrontsteps。Ifitwasthe_dt”s_，whyamIsosore？“
　　“Shutup，youfool，“saidAnnie。
　　“IfIcouldfindthatfunnyguy”shouse，saidThomas，inconclusion，“I”dgouptheresomedayandpunchhisnoseforhim。”
　　VI
　　THEPOETANDTHEPEASANT
　　Theotherdayapoetfriendofmine，whohaslivedinclosecommunionwithnatureallhislife，wroteapoemandtookittoaneditor。
　　Itwasalivingpastoral，fullofthegenuinebreathofthefields，thesongofbirds，andthepleasantchatteroftricklingstreams。
　　Whenthepoetcalledagaintoseeaboutit，withhopesofabeefsteakdinnerinhisheart，itwashandedbacktohimwiththecomment：
　　“Tooartificial。”
　　SeveralofusmetoverspaghettiandDutchessCountychianti，andswallowedindignationwithslipperyforkfuls。
　　Andtherewedugapitfortheeditor。WithuswasConant，awell-
　　arrivedwriteroffiction——amanwhohadtrodonasphaltallhislife，andwhohadneverlookeduponbucolicscenesexceptwithsensationsofdisgustfromthewindowsofexpresstrains。
　　Conantwroteapoemandcalledit“TheDoeandtheBrook。”ItwasafinespecimenofthekindofworkyouwouldexpectfromapoetwhohadstrayedwithAmaryllisonlyasfarastheflorist”swindows，andwhosesoleornithologicaldiscussionhadbeencarriedonwithawaiter。Conantsignedthispoem，andwesentittothesameeditor。
　　Butthishasverylittletodowiththestory。
　　Justastheeditorwasreadingthefirstlineofthepoem，onthenextmorning，abeingstumbledofftheWestShoreferryboat，andlopedslowlyupForty-secondStreet。
　　Theinvaderwasayoungmanwithlightblueeyes，ahanginglipandhairtheexactcolorofthelittleorphan”safterwarddiscoveredtobetheearl”sdaughterinoneofMr。Blaney”splays。Histrouserswerecorduroy，hiscoatshort-sleeved，withbuttonsinthemiddleofhisback。Onebootlegwasoutsidethecorduroys。Youlookedexpectantly，thoughinvain，athisstrawhatforearholes，itsshapeinauguratingthesuspicionthatithadbeenravagedfromaformerequinepossessor。Inhishandwasavalise——descriptionofitisanimpossibletask；aBostonmanwouldnothavecarriedhislunchandlawbookstohisofficeinit。Andaboveoneear，inhishair，wasawispofhay——therustic”sletterofcredit，hisbadgeofinnocence，thelastclingingtouchoftheGardenofEdenlingeringtoshamethegold-brickmen。
　　Knowingly，smilingly，thecitycrowdspassedhimby。Theysawtherawstrangerstandinthegutterandstretchhisneckatthetallbuildings。Atthistheyceasedtosmile，andeventolookathim。Ithadbeendonesooften。AfewglancedattheantiquevalisetoseewhatConey“attraction“orbrandofchewinggumhemightbethusdinningintohismemory。Butforthemostparthewasignored。Eventhenewsboyslookedboredwhenhescamperedlikeacircusclownoutofthewayofcabsandstreetcars。
　　AtEighthAvenuestood“BuncoHarry，“withhisdyedmustacheandshiny，good-naturedeyes。Harrywastoogoodanartistnottobepainedatthesightofanactoroverdoinghispart。Heedgeduptothecountryman，whohadstoppedtoopenhismouthatajewelrystorewindow，andshookhishead。
　　“Toothick，pal，“hesaid，critically”toothickbyacoupleofinches。Idon”tknowwhatyourlayis；butyou”vegotthepropertiestoothick。Thathay，now——why，theydon”tevenallowthatonProctor”scircuitanymore。”
　　“Idon”tunderstandyou，mister，“saidthegreenone。“I”mnotlookin”foranycircus。I”vejustrundownfromUlsterCountytolookatthetown，bein”thatthehayin”soverwith。Gosh！butit”sawhopper。IthoughtPoughkeepsiewassomepunkins；butthisheretownisfivetimesasbig。”
　　“Oh，well，“said“BuncoHarry，“raisinghiseyebrows，“Ididn”tmeantobuttin。Youdon”thavetotell。Ithoughtyououghttotonedownalittle，soItriedtoputyouwise。Wishyousuccessatyourgraft，whateveritis。Comeandhaveadrink，anyhow。”
　　“Iwouldn”tmindhavingaglassoflagerbeer，“acknowledgedtheother。
　　Theywenttoacaf”efrequentedbymenwithsmoothfacesandshiftyeyes，andsatattheirdrinks。
　　“I”mgladIcomeacrossyou，mister，“saidHaylocks。“How”dyouliketoplayagameortwoofseven-up？I”vegotthekeerds。”
　　HefishedthemoutofNoah”svalise——arare，inimitabledeck，greasywithbaconsuppersandgrimywiththesoilofcornfields。
　　“BuncoHarry“laughedloudandbriefly。
　　“Notforme，sport，“hesaid，firmly。“Idon”tgoagainstthatmake-
　　upofyoursforacent。ButIstillsayyou”veoverdoneit。TheReubshaven”tdressedlikethatsince”79。IdoubtifyoucouldworkBrooklynforakey-windingwatchwiththatlayout。”
　　“Oh，youneedn”tthinkIain”tgotthemoney，“boastedHaylocks。
　　Hedrewforthatightlyrolledmassofbillsaslargeasateacup，andlaiditonthetable。
　　“Gotthatformyshareofgrandmother”sfarm，“heannounced。
　　“There”s$950inthatroll。ThoughtI”dcometothecityandlookaroundforalikelybusinesstogointo。”
　　“BuncoHarry“tookuptherollofmoneyandlookedatitwithalmostrespectinhissmilingeyes。
　　“I”veseenworse，“hesaid，critically。“Butyou”llneverdoitinthemclothes。Youwanttogetlighttanshoesandablacksuitandastrawhatwithacoloredband，andtalkagooddealaboutPittsburgandfreightdifferentials，anddrinksherryforbreakfastinordertoworkoffphonystufflikethat。”
　　“What”shisline？“askedtwoorthreeshifty-eyedmenof“BuncoHarry“afterHaylockshadgathereduphisimpugnedmoneyanddeparted。
　　“Thequeer，Iguess，“saidHarry。“Orelsehe”soneofJerome”smen。Orsomeguywithanewgraft。He”stoomuchhayseed。
　　Maybethathis——Iwondernow——oh，no，itcouldn”thavebeenrealmoney。”
　　Haylockswanderedon。Thirstprobablyassailedhimagain，forhedivedintoadarkgroggeryonasidestreetandboughtbeer。Atfirstsightofhimtheireyesbrightened；butwhenhisinsistentandexaggeratedrusticitybecameapparenttheirexpressionschangedtowarysuspicion。
　　Haylocksswunghisvaliseacrossthebar。
　　“Keepthatawhileforme，mister，“hesaid，chewingattheendofavirulentclaybankcigar。“I”llbebackafterIknockaroundaspell。
　　Andkeepyoureyeonit，forthere”s$950insideofit，thoughmaybeyouwouldn”tthinksotolookatme。”
　　Somewhereoutsideaphonographstruckupabandpiece，andHaylockswasoffforit，hiscoat-tailbuttonsfloppinginthemiddleofhisback。
　　“Divvy，Mike，“saidthemenhanginguponthebar，winkingopenlyatoneanother。
　　“Honest，now，“saidthebartender，kickingthevalisetooneside。
　　“Youdon”tthinkI”dfalltothat，doyou？Anybodycanseeheain”tnojay。OneofMcAdoo”scome-onsquad，Iguess。He”sashineifhemadehimselfup。Thereain”tnopartsofthecountrynowwheretheydresslikethatsincetheyrunruralfreedeliverytoProvidence，RhodeIsland。Ifhe”sgotnine-fiftyinthatvaliseit”saninety-eightcentWaterburythat”sstoppedattenminutestoten。”
　　WhenHaylockshadexhaustedtheresourcesofMr。Edisontoamusehereturnedforhisvalise。AndthendownBroadwayhegallivanted，cullingthesightswithhiseagerblueeyes。ButstillandevermoreBroadwayrejectedhimwithcurtglancesandsardonicsmiles。Hewastheoldestofthe“gags“thatthecitymustendure。Hewassoflagrantlyimpossible，soultrarustic，soexaggeratedbeyondthemostfreakishproductsofthebarnyard，thehayfieldandthevaudevillestage，thatheexcitedonlywearinessandsuspicion。Andthewispofhayinhishairwassogenuine，sofreshandredolentofthemeadows，soclamorouslyruralthatevenashellgamemanwouldhaveputuphispeasandfoldedhistableatthesightofit。
　　Haylocksseatedhimselfuponaflightofstonestepsandoncemoreexhumedhisrollofyellow-backsfromthevalise。Theouterone，atwenty，heshuckedoffandbeckonedtoanewsboy。
　　“Son，“saidhe，“runsomewhereandgetthischangedforme。I”mmightynighoutofchickenfeed。Iguessyou”llgetanickelifyou”llhurryup。”
　　Ahurtlookappearedthroughthedirtonthenewsy”sface。
　　“Aw，watchert”ink！G”wanandgetyerfunnybillchangedyerself。
　　Deyain”tnofarmclothesyergoton。G”wanwityerstagemoney。”
　　Onacornerloungedakeen-eyedsteererforagambling-house。HewasHaylocks，andhisexpressionsuddenlygrewcoldandvirtuous。
　　“Mister，“saidtheruralone。“I”veheardofplacesinthisheretownwhereafellowcouldhaveagoodgameofoldsledgeorpegacardatkeno。Igot$950inthisvalise，andIcomedownfromoldUlstertoseethesights。Knowwhereafellowcouldgetactiononabout$9or$10？I”mgoin”tohavesomesport，andthenmaybeI”llbuyoutabusinessofsomekind。”
　　Thesteererlookedpained，andinvestigatedawhitespeckonhisleftforefingernail。
　　“Cheeseit，oldman，“hemurmured，reproachfully。“TheCentralOfficemustbebughousetosendyououtlookinglikesuchagillie。
　　Youcouldn”tgetwithintwoblocksofasidewalkcrapgameinthemTonyPastorprops。TherecentMr。ScottyfromDeathValleyhasgotyoubeatacrosstownblockinthewayofElizabethansceneryandmechanicalaccessories。Letitbeskiddooforyours。
　　Nay，Iknowofnogildedhallswhereonemaybetapatrolwagonontheace。”
　　Rebuffedonceagainbythegreatcitythatissoswifttodetectartificialities，Haylockssatuponthecurbandpresentedhisthoughtstoholdaconference。
　　“It”smyclothes，“saidhe；“durnedifitain”t。TheythinkI”mahayseedandwon”thavenothin”todowithme。NobodynevermadefunofthishatinUlsterCounty。IguessifyouwantfolkstonoticeyouinNewYorkyoumustdressupliketheydo。”
　　SoHaylockswentshoppinginthebazaarswheremenspakethroughtheirnosesandrubbedtheirhandsandranthetapelineecstaticallyoverthebuldgeinhisinsidepocketwherereposedarednubbinofcornwithanevennumberofrows。AndmessengersbearingparcelsandboxesstreamedtohishotelonBroadwaywithinthelightsofLongAcre。
　　At9o”clockintheeveningonedescendedtothesidewalkwhomUlsterCountywouldhaveforesworn。Brighttanwerehisshoes；
　　hishatthelatestblock。Hislightgraytrousersweredeeplycreased；agaybluesilkhandkerchiefflappedfromthebreastpocketofhiselegantEnglishwalkingcoat。Hiscollarmighthavegracedalaundrywindow；hisblondhairwastrimmedclose；thewispofhaywasgone。
　　Foraninstanthestood，resplendent，withtheleisurelyairofaboulevardierconcoctinginhismindtherouteforhiseveningpleasures。Andthenheturneddownthegay，brightstreetwiththeeasyandgracefultreadofamillionaire。
　　Butintheinstantthathehadpausedthewisestandkeenesteyesinthecityhadenvelopedhimintheirfieldofvision。Astoutmanwithgrayeyespickedtwoofhisfriendswithaliftofhiseyebrowsfromtherowofloungersinfrontofthehotel。
　　“ThejuiciestjayI”veseeninsixmonths，“saidthemanwithgrayeyes。“Comealong。”
　　Itwashalf-pastelevenwhenamangallopedintotheWestForty-
　　seventhStreetPoliceStationwiththestoryofhiswrongs。
　　“Ninehundredandfiftydollars，“hegasped，“allmyshareofgrandmother”sfarm。”
　　ThedeskseargeantwrungfromhimthenameJabezBulltongue，ofLocustValleyfarm，UlsterCounty，andthenbagantotakedescriptionsofthestrong-armgentlemen。
　　WhenConantwenttoseetheeditoraboutthefateofhispoem，hewasreceivedovertheheadoftheofficeboyintotheinnerofficethatisdecoratedwiththestatuettesbyRodinandJ。G。Brown。
　　“WhenIreadthefirstlineof”TheDoeandtheBrook”“saidtheeditor，“IknewittobetheworkofonewhoselifehasbeenhearttoheartwithNature。Thefinishedartofthelinedidnotblindmetothatfact。Touseasomewhathomelycomparison，itwasasifawild，freechildofthewoodsandfieldsweretodonthegarboffashionandwalkdownBroadway。Beneaththeapparelthemanwouldshow。”
　　“Thanks，“saidConant。“IsupposethecheckwillberoundonThursday，asusual。”
　　Themoralsofthisstoryhavesomehowgottenmixed。Youcantakeyourchoiceof“StayontheFarm“or“Don”tWritePoetry。”
　　VII
　　THEROBEOFPEACE
　　MysteriesfollowoneanothersocloselyinagreatcitythatthereadingpublicandthefriendsofJohnnyBellchambershaveceasedtomarvelathissuddenandunexplaineddisappearancenearlyayearago。Thisparticularmysteryhasnowbeenclearedup，butthesolutionissostrangeandincredibletothemindoftheaveragemanthatonlyaselectfewwhowereinclosetouchwithBellchamberswillgiveitfullcredence。
　　JohnnyBellchambers，asiswellknown，belongedtotheintrinsicallyinnercircleofthe_”elite_。Withoutanyoftheostentationofthefashionableoneswhoendeavortoattractnoticebyeccentricdisplayofwealthandshowhestillwas_aufait_ineverythingthatgavedeservedlustretohishighpositionintheranksofsociety。
　　Especiallydidheshineinthematterofdress。Inthishewasthedespairofimitators。Alwayscorrect，exquisitelygroomed，andpossessedofanunlimitedwardrobe，hewasconcededtobethebest-dressedmaninNewYork，and，therefore，inAmerica。TherewasnotatailorinGothamwhowouldnothavedeemeditapreciousboontohavebeengrantedtheprivilegeofmakingBellchambers”clotheswithoutacentofpay。Asheworethem，theywouldhavebeenapricelessadvertisement。Trouserswerehisspecialpassion。Herenothingbutperfectionwouldhenotice。Hewouldhavewornapatchasquicklyashewouldhaveoverlookedawrinkle。Hekeptamaninhisapartmentsalwaysbusypressinghisamplesupply。Hisfriendssaidthatthreehourswasthelimitoftimethathewouldwearthesegarmentswithoutexchanging。
　　Bellchambersdisappearedverysuddenly。Forthreedayshisabsencebroughtnoalarmtohisfriends，andthentheybegantooperatetheusualmethodsofinquiry。Allofthemfailed。Hehadleftabsolutelynotracebehind。Thenthesearchforamotivewasinstituted，butnonewasfound。Hehadnoenemies，hehadnodebts，therewasnowoman。Therewereseveralthousanddollarsinhisbanktohiscredit。Hehadnevershowedanytendencytowardmentaleccentricity；infact，hewasofaparticularlycalmandwell-balancedtemperament。Everymeansoftracingthevanishedmanwasmadeuseof，butwithoutavail。Itwasoneofthosecases——morenumerousinlateyears——wheremenseemtohavegoneoutliketheflameofacandle，leavingnotevenatrailofsmokeasawitness。
　　InMay，TomEyresandLancelotGilliam，twoofBellchambers”
　　oldfriends，wentforalittlerunontheotherside。WhilepotteringaroundinItalyandSwitzerland，theyhappened，oneday，tohearofamonasteryintheSwissAlpsthatpromisedsomethingoutsideoftheordinarytourist-beguilingattractions。Themonasterywasalmostinaccessibletotheaveragesightseer，beingonanextremelyruggedandprecipitousspurofthemountains。Theattractionsitpossessedbutdidnotadvertisewere，first，anexclusiveanddivinecordialmadebythemonksthatwassaidtofarsurpassbenedictineandchartreuse。Nextahugebrassbellsopurelyandaccuratelycastthatithadnotceasedsoundingsinceitwasfirstrungthreehundredyearsago。Finally，itwasassertedthatnoEnglishmanhadeversetfootwithinitswalls。EyresandGilliamdecidedthatthesethreereportscalledforinvestigation。
　　IttookthemtwodayswiththeaidoftwoguidestoreachthemonasteryofSt。Gondrau。Itstooduponafrozen，wind-sweptcragwiththesnowpiledaboutitintreacherous，driftingmasses。
　　Theywerehospitablyreceivedbythebrotherswhosedutyitwastoentertaintheinfrequentguest。Theydrankofthepreciouscordial，findingitrarelypotentandreviving。Theylistenedtothegreat，ever-echoingbell，andlearnedthattheywerepioneertravelers，inthosegraystonewalls，overtheEnglishmanwhoserestlessfeethavetroddennearlyeverycorneroftheearth。
　　Atthreeo”clockontheafternoontheyarrived，thetwoyoungGothamitesstoodwithgoodBrotherCristoferinthegreat，coldhallwayofthemonasterytowatchthemonksmarchpastontheirwaytotherefectory。Theycameslowly，pacingbytwos，withtheirheadsbowed，treadingnoiselesslywithsandaledfeetupontheroughstoneflags。Astheprocessionslowlyfiledpast，EyressuddenlygrippedGilliambythearm。“Look，“hewhispered，eagerly，“attheonejustoppositeyounow——theoneonthisside，withhishandathiswaist——ifthatisn”tJohnnyBellchambersthenI
　　neversawhim！“
　　Gilliamsawandrecognizedthelostglassoffashion。
　　“Whatthedeuce，“saidhe，wonderingly，“isoldBelldoinghere？
　　Tommy，itsurelycan”tbehe！NeverheardofBellhavingaturnforthereligious。Factis，I”veheardhimsaythingswhenafour-in-
　　handdidn”tseemtotieupjustrightthatwouldbringhimupforcourt-martialbeforeanychurch。”
　　“It”sBell，withoutadoubt，“saidEyres，firmly，“orI”mprettybadlyinneedofanoculist。ButthinkofJohnnyBellchambers，theRoyalHighChancellorofswelltogsandtheMahatmaofpinkteas，uphereincoldstoragedoingpenanceinasnuff-coloredbathrobe！Ican”tgetitstraightinmymind。Let”saskthejollyoldboythat”sdoinghonors。”
　　BrotherCristoferwasappealedtoforinformation。Bythattimethemonkshadpassedintotherefectory。Hecouldnottelltowhichonetheyreferred。Bellchambers？Ah，thebrothersofSt。
　　Gondrauabandonedtheirworldlynameswhentheytookthevows。
　　Didthegentlemenwishtospeakwithoneofthebrothers？Iftheywouldcometotherefectoryandindicatetheonetheywishedtosee，thereverendabbotinauthoritywould，doubtless，permitit。
　　EyresandGilliamwentintothedininghallandpointedouttoBrotherCristoferthemantheyhadseen。Yes，itwasJohnnyBellchambers。Theysawhisfaceplainlynow，ashesatamongthedingybrothers，neverlookingup，eatingbrothfromacoarse，brownbowl。
　　Permissiontospeaktooneofthebrotherswasgrantedtothetwotravelersbytheabbot，andtheywaitedinareceptionroomforhimtocome。Whenhedidcome，treadingsoftlyinhissandals，bothEyresandGilliamlookedathiminperplexityandastonishment。
　　ItwasJohnnyBellchambers，buthehadadifferentlook。Uponhissmooth-shavenfacewasanexpressionofineffablepeace，ofrapturousattainment，ofperfectandcompletehappiness。Hisformwasproudlyerect，hiseyesshonewithasereneandgraciouslight。
　　Hewasasneatandwell-groomedasintheoldNewYorkdays，buthowdifferentlywasheclad！Nowheseemedclothedinbutasinglegarment——alongrobeofroughbrowncloth，gatheredbyacordatthewaist，andfallinginstraight，loosefoldsnearlytohisfeet。Heshookhandswithhisvisitorswithhisoldeaseandgraceofmanner。IftherewasanyembarrassmentinthatmeetingitwasnotmanifestedbyJohnnyBellchambers。Theroomhadnoseats；
　　theystoodtoconverse。
　　“Gladtoseeyou，oldman，“saidEyres，somewhatawkwardly。
　　“Wasn”texpectingtofindyouuphere。Notabadideathough，afterall。Society”sanawfulsham。Mustbearelieftoshakethegiddywhirlandretireto——er——contemplationand——er——prayerandhymns，andthosethings。
　　“Oh，cutthat，Tommy，“saidBellchambers，cheerfully。“Don”tbeafraidthatI”llpassaroundtheplate。Igothroughthesething-um-
　　bobswiththerestoftheseoldboysbecausetheyaretherules。I”mBrotherAmbrosehere，youknow。I”mgivenjusttenminutestotalktoyoufellows。That”sratheranewdesigninwaistcoatsyouhaveon，isn”tit，Gilliam？AretheywearingthosethingsonBroadwaynow？“
　　“It”sthesameoldJohnny，“saidGilliam，joyfully。“Whatthedevil——
　　Imeanwhy——Oh，confoundit！whatdidyoudoitfor，oldman？“
　　“Peelthebathrobe，“pleadedEyres，almosttearfully，“andgobackwithus。Theoldcrowd”llgowildtoseeyou。Thisisn”tinyourline，Bell。Iknowhalfadozengirlsthatworethewillowonthequietwhenyoushookusinthatunaccountableway。Handinyourresignation，orgetadispensation，orwhateveryouhavetodotogetareleasefromthisicefactory。You”llgetcatarrhhere，Johnny——
　　and——MyGod！youhaven”tanysockson！“
　　Bellchamberslookeddownathissandaledfeetandsmiled。
　　“Youfellowsdon”tunderstand，“hesaid，soothingly。“It”sniceofyoutowantmetogoback，buttheoldlifewillneverknowmeagain。Ihavereachedherethegoalofallmyambitions。Iamentirelyhappyandcontented。HereIshallremainfortheremainderofmydays。YouseethisrobethatIwear？“
　　Bellchamberscaressinglytouchedthestraight-hanginggarment：
　　“AtlastIhavefoundsomethingthatwillnotbagattheknees。I
　　haveattained”
　　Atthatmomentthedeepboomofthegreatbrassbellreverberatedthroughthemonastery。Itmusthavebeenasummonstoimmediatedevotions，forBrotherAmbrosebowedhishead，turnedandleftthechamberwithoutanotherword。Aslightwaveofhishandashepassedthroughthestonedoorwayseemedtosayafarewelltohisoldfriends。Theyleftthemonasterywithoutseeinghimagain。
　　AndthisisthestorythatTommyEyresandLancelotGilliambroughtbackwiththemfromtheirlatestEuropeantour。
　　VIII
　　THEGIRLANDTHEGRAFT
　　TheotherdayIranacrossmyoldfriendFergusonPogue。Pogueisaconscientiousgrafterofthehighesttype。HisheadquartersistheWesternHemisphere，andhislineofbusinessisanythingfromspeculatingintownlotsontheGreatStakedPlainstosellingwoodentoysinConnecticut，madebyhydraulicpressurefromnutmegsgroundtoapulp。
　　NowandthenwhenPoguehasmadeagoodhaulhecomestoNewYorkforarest。HesaysthejugofwineandloafofbreadandThouinthewildernessbusinessisaboutasmuchrestandpleasuretohimasslidingdownthebumpsatConeywouldbetoPresidentTaft。“Giveme，“saysPogue，“abigcityformyvacation。
　　EspeciallyNewYork。I”mnotmuchfondofNewYorkers，andManhattanisabouttheonlyplaceontheglobewhereIdon”tfindany。”
　　WhileinthemetropolisPoguecanalwaysbefoundatoneoftwoplaces。Oneisalittlesecond-handbookshoponFourthAvenue，wherehereadsbooksabouthishobbies，Mahometanismandtaxidermy。Ifoundhimattheother——hishallbedroominEighteenthStreet——wherehesatinhisstockingfeettryingtopluck“TheBanksoftheWabash“outofasmallzither。Fouryearshehaspractisedthistunewithoutarrivingnearenoughtocastthelongesttroutlinetothewater”sedge。Onthedresserlayablued-
　　steelColt”sforty-fiveandatightrolloftensandtwentieslargeenougharoundtobelongtothespringrattlesnake-storyclass。A
　　chambermaidwitharoom-cleaningairflutterednearbyinthehall，unabletoenterortoflee，scandalizedbythestockingfeet，aghastattheColt”s，yetpowerless，withhermetropolitaninstincts，toremoveherselfbeyondthemagicinfluenceoftheyellow-huedroll。
　　IsatonhistrunkwhileFergusonPoguetalked。Noonecouldbefrankerormorecandidinhisconversation。BesidehisexpressionthecryofHenryJamesforlactealnourishmentattheageofonemonthwouldhaveseemedlikeaChaldeancryptogram。Hetoldmestoriesofhisprofessionwithpride，forheconsidereditanart。
　　AndIwascuriousenoughtoaskhimwhetherhehadknownanywomenwhofollowedit。
　　“Ladies？“saidPogue，withWesternchivalry。“Well，nottoanygreatextent。Theydon”tamounttomuchinspeciallinesofgraft，becausethey”reallsobusyingenerallines。What？Why，theyhaveto。Who”sgotthemoneyintheworld？Themen。Didyoueverknowamantogiveawomanadollarwithoutanyconsideration？Amanwillshellouthisdusttoanothermanfreeandeasyandgratis。ButifhedropsapennyinoneofthemachinesrunbytheMadamEve”sDaughters”AmalgamatedAssociationandthepineapplechewinggumdon”tfalloutwhenhepullstheleveryoucanhearhimkicktothesuperintendentfourblocksaway。Manisthehardestpropositionawomanhastogoupagainst。He”sthelow-gradeone，andshehastoworkovertimetomakehimpay。Twotimesoutoffiveshe”ssalted。Shecan”tputincrushersandcostlymachinery。He”dnotice”emandbeontothegame。Theyhavetopanoutwhattheyget，andithurtstheirtenderhands。Someof”emarenaturalsluicetroughsandcancarryout$1，000totheton。Thedry-eyedoneshavetodependonsignedletters，falsehair，sympathy，thekangaroowalk，cowhidewhips，abilitytocook，sentimentaljuries，conversationalpowers，silkunderskirts，ancestry，rouge，anonymousletters，violetsachetpowders，witnesses，revolvers，pneumaticforms，carbolicacid，moonlight，coldcreamandtheeveningnewspapers。”
　　“Youareoutrageous，Ferg，“Isaid。“Surelythereisnoneofthis”graft”asyoucallit，inaperfectandharmoniousmatrimonialunion！“
　　“Well，“saidPogue，“nothingthatwouldjustifyyoueverytimeincallingPoliceHeadquartersandorderingoutthereservesandavaudevillemanageronadeadrun。Butit”sthisway：Supposeyou”reaFifthAvenuemillionaire，soaringhigh，ontherightsideofcopperandcappers。
　　“Youcomehomeatnightandbringa$9，000，000diamondbroochtotheladywho”sstakedyourforaclaim。Youhanditover。Shesays，”Oh，George！”andlookstoseeifit”sbacked。Shecomesupandkissesyou。You”vewaitedforit。Yougetit。Allright。It”sgraft。
　　“ButI”mtellingyouaboutArtemisiaBlye。ShewasfromKansasandshesuggestedcorninallofitsphases。Herhairwasasyellowasthesilk；herformwasastallandgracefulasastalkinthelowgroundsduringawetsummer；hereyeswereasbigandstartlingasbunions，andgreenwasherfavoritecolor。
　　“OnmylasttripintothecoolrecessesofyoursequesteredcityI
　　metahumannamedVaucross。Hewasworth——thatis，hehadamillion。Hetoldmehewasinbusinessonthestreet。”Asidewalkmerchant？”saysI，sarcastic。”Exactly”sayshe，”Seniorpartnerofapavingconcern。”
　　“Ikindoftooktohim。Forthisreason，ImethimonBroadwayonenightwhenIwasoutofheart，luck，tobaccoandplace。Hewasallsilkhat，diamondsandfront。Hewasallfront。Ifyouhadgonebehindhimyouwouldhaveonlylookedyourselfintheface。
　　IlookedlikeacrossbetweenCountTolstoyandaJunelobster。I
　　wasoutofluck。Ihad——butletmelaymyeyesonthatdealeragain。
　　“Vaucrossstoppedandtalkedtomeafewminutesandthenhetookmetoahigh-tonedrestauranttoeatdinner。Therewasmusic，andthensomeBeethoven，andBordelaisesauce，andcussinginFrench，andfrangipangi，andsomehauteurandcigarettes。WhenI
　　amflushIknowthemplaces。
　　“Ideclare，ImusthavelookedasbadasamagazineartistsittingtherewithoutanymoneyandmyhairallrumpledlikeIwasbookedtoreadachapterfrom”Elsie”sSchoolDays”ataBrooklynBohemiansmoker。ButVaucrosstreatedmelikeabearhunter”sguide。Hewasn”tafraidofhurtingthewaiter”sfeelings。
　　“”Mr。Pogue”heexplainstome，”Iamusingyou。”
　　“”Goon”saysI；”Ihopeyoudon”twakeup。”
　　“Andthenhetellsme，youknow，thekindofmanhewas。HewasaNewYorker。Hiswholeambitionwastobenoticed。Hewantedtobeconspicuous。Hewantedpeopletopointhimoutandbowtohim，andtellotherswhohewas。Hesaidithadbeenthedesireofhislifealways。Hedidn”thavebutamillion，sohecouldn”tattractattentionbyspendingmoney。Hesaidhetriedtogetintopublicnoticeonetimebyplantingalittlepublicsquareontheeastsidewithgarlicforfreeuseofthepoor；butCarnegieheardofit，andcovereditoveratoncewithalibraryintheGaeliclanguage。
　　Threetimeshehadjumpedinthewayofautomibiles；buttheonlyresultwasfivebrokenribsandanoticeinthepapersthatanunknownman，fivefeetten，withfouramalgam-filledteeth，supposedtobethelastofthefamousRedLearyganghadbeenrunover。
　　“”Evertrythereporters”Iaskedhim。
　　“”Lastmonth”saysMr。Vaucross，”myexpenditureforlunchestoreporterswas$124。80。”
　　“”Getanythingoutofthat？”Iasks。
　　“”Thatremindsme”sayshe；”add$8。50forperpsin。Yes，Igotindigestion。”
　　“”HowamIsupposedtopushalongyourscrambleforprominence？”
　　Iinquires。”Contrast？”
　　“”Somethingofthatsortto-night”saysVaucross。”Itgrievesme；
　　butIamforcedtoresorttoeccentricity。”Andherehedropshisnapkininhissoupandrisesupandbowstoagentwhoisdevastatingapotatounderapalmacrosstheroom。
　　“”ThePoliceCommissioner”saysmyclimber，gratified。”Friend”，saysI，inahurry，”haveambitionsbutdon”tkickarungoutofyourladder。WhenyouusemeasasteppingstonetosalutethepoliceyouspoilmyappetiteonthegroundsthatImaybedegradedandincriminated。Bethoughtful。”
　　“AttheQuakerCitysquabencasseroletheideaaboutArtemisiaBlyecomestome。
　　“”SupposeIcanmanagetogetyouinthepapers”saysI——”acolumnortwoeverydayinallof”emandyourpictureinmostof”emforaweek。Howmuchwoulditbeworthtoyou？”
　　“”Tenthousanddollars”saysVaucross，warminaminute。”Butnomurder”sayshe；”andIwon”twearpinkpantsatacotillon。”
　　“”Iwouldn”taskyouto”saysI。”Thisishonorable，stylishanduneffiminate。Tellthewaitertobringademitasseandsomeotherbeans，andIwilldisclosetoyoutheopusmoderandi。”
　　“Weclosedthedealanhourlaterintherococorougeetnoiseroom。ItelegraphedthatnighttoMissArtemisiainSalina。ShetookacoupleofphotographsandanautographlettertoanelderintheFourthPresbyterianChurchinthemorning，andgotsometransportationand$80。ShestoppedinTopekalongenoughtotradeaflashlightinteriorandavalentinetothevice-presidentofatrustcompanyforamileagebookandapackageoffive-dollarnoteswith$250scrawledontheband。
　　“Thefiftheveningaftershegotmywireshewaswaiting，alld”ecollet”eeanddressedup，formeandVaucrosstotakehertodinnerinoneoftheseNewYorkfeminineapartmenthouseswhereamancan”tgetinunlessheplaysbeziqueandsmokesdepilatorypowdercigarettes。
　　“”She”sastunner”saysVaucrosswhenhesawher。”They”llgiveheratwo-columncutsure。”
　　“Thiswastheschemethethreeofusconcocted。Itwasbusinessstraightthrough。VaucrosswastorushMissBlyewithallthestyleanddisplayandemotionhecouldforamonth。Ofcourse，thatamountedtonothingasfarashisambitionswereconcerned。Thesightofamaninawhitetieandpatentleatherpumpspouringgreenbacksthroughthelargeendofacornucopiatopurchasenutrimentandheartseasefortall，willowyblondesinNewYorkisascommonasightasblueturtlesindeliriumtremens。Buthewastowriteherloveletters——theworstkindofloveletters，suchasyourwifepublishesafteryouaredead——everyday。Attheendofthemonthhewastodropher，andshewouldbringsuitfor$100，000
　　forbreachofpromise。
　　“MissArtemisiawastoget$10，000。Ifshewonthesuitthatwasall；andifshelostshewastogetitanyhow。Therewasasignedcontracttothateffect。
　　“Sometimestheyhadmeoutwith”em，butnotoften。Icouldn”tkeepuptotheirstyle。Sheusedtopullouthisnotesandcriticizethemlikebillsoflading。
　　“”Say，you！”she”dsay。”Whatdoyoucallthis——lettertoaHardwareMerchantfromHisNephewonLearningthatHisAuntHasNettlerash？YouEasternduffersknowasmuchaboutwritinglovelettersasaKansasgrasshopperdoesabouttugboats。“MydearMissBlye！“——wouldn”tthatputpinkicingandalittleredsugarbirdonyourbridalcake？Howlongdoyouexpecttoholdanaudienceinacourt-roomwiththatkindofstuff？Youwanttogetdowntobusiness，andcallme“TweedlumsBabe“and“Honeysuckle，“andsingyourself“Mama”sOwnBigBadPuggyWuggyBoy“ifyouwantanylimelighttoconcentrateuponyoursparsegrayhairs。Getsappy。”
　　“AfterthatVaucrossdippedhispenintheindelibletabasco。Hisnotesreadlikesomethingorotherintheoriginal。Icouldseeajurysittingup，andwomentearingoneanother”shatstohear”emread。AndIcouldseepilingupforMr。VaucrossasmuchnotoriousnessasArchbishopCrammerortheBrooklynBridgeorcheese-on-saladeverenjoyed。Heseemedmightypleasedattheprospects。
　　“Theyagreedonanight；andIstoodonFifthAvenueoutsideasolemnrestaurantandwatched”em。Aprocess-serverwalkedinandhandedVaucrossthepapersatthistable。Everybodylookedat”em；andhelookedasproudasCicero。Iwentbacktomyroomandlitafive-centcigar，forIknewthe$10，000wasasgoodasours。
　　“Abouttwohourslatersomebodyknockedatmydoor。TherestoodVaucrossandMissArtemisia，andshewasclinging——yes，sir，clinging——tohisarm。Andtheytellsmethey”dbeenoutandgotmarried。Andtheyarticulatedsometrivialcadencesaboutloveandsuch。Andtheylaiddownabundleonthetableandsaid”Goodnight”andleft。
　　“Andthat”swhyIsay，“concludedFergusonPogue，“thatawomanistoobusyoccupiedwithhernaturalvocationandinstinctofgraftsuchasisgivenherforself-preservationandamusementtomakeanygreatsuccessinspeciallines。”
　　“Whatwasinthebundletheyleft？“Iasked，withmyusualcuriosity。
　　“Why，“saidFerguson，“therewasascalper”srailroadticketasfarasKansasCityandtwopairsofMr。Vaucross”soldpants。”
　　IX
　　THECALLOFTHETAME
　　Whentheinaugurationwasaccomplished——theproceedingsweremadesmoothbythepresenceoftheRoughRiders——itiswellknownthataherdofthosecompetentandloyalex-warrriorspaidavisittothebigcity。Thenewspaperreportersdugoutoftheirtrunkstheoldbroad-brimmedhatsandleatherbeltsthattheyweartoNorthBeachfishfries，andmixedwiththevisitors。Nodamagewasdonebeyondtheemploymentofthewonderfulplural“tenderfeet“
　　ineachofthescribe”sstories。TheWesternersmildlycontemplatedtheskyscrapersashighasthethirdstory，yawnedatBroadway，huncheddowninthebigchairsinhotelcorridors，andaltogetherlookedasboredanddejectedasamemberofYeAncientandHonorableArtilleryseparatedduringashambattlefromhisvalet。
　　OutofthissightseeingdelegationsofgoodKingTeddy”sGentlemenoftheRoyalBear-houndsdroppedoneGreenbrierNye，ofPinFeather，Ariz。
　　ThedailycycloneofSixthAvenue”srushhourswepthimawayfromthecompanyofhispardnerstrue。Thedustfromathousandrustlingskirtsfilledhiseyes。Themightyroaroftrainsrushingacrosstheskydeafenedhim。Thelightning-flashoftwicetenhundredbeamingeyesconfusedhisvision。
　　ThestormwassosuddenandtremendousthatGreenbrier”sfirstimpulsewastoliedownandgrabaroot。Andthenherememberedthatthedisturbancewashuman，andnotelemental；andhebackedoutofitwithagrinintoadoorway。
　　ThereportershadwrittenthatbutforthewidebrimmedhatstheWestwasnotvisibleuponthesegauchosoftheNorth。Heavensharpentheireyes！Thesuitofblackdiagonal，wrinkledinimpossibleplaces；thebrightbluefour-in-hand，factorytied；thelow，turned-downcollar，patternofthedaysofSeymourandBlair，whiteglazedasthelettersonthewindowoftheopen-day-and-
　　night-except-Sundayrestaurants；theout-curveatthekneesfromthesaddlegrip；thepeculiarspreadofthehalf-closedrightthumbandfingersfromthestiffholduponthecirclinglasso；thedeeplyabsorbedweathertanthatthehottestsunofCapeMaycanneverequal；theseldom-winkingblueeyesthatunconsciouslydividedtherushingcrowdsintofours，asthoughtheywerebeingcountedoutofacorral；thesegregatedlonelinessandsolemnityofexpression，asofanEmperororofonewhosehorizonshavenotintrudeduponhimnearerthanaday”sride——thesebrandsoftheWestweresetuponGreenbrierNye。Oh，yes；heworeabroadbrimmedhat，gentlereader——justlikethosetheMadisonSquarePostOfficemailcarrierswearwhentheygouptoBronxParkonSundayafternoons。
　　SuddenlyGreenbrierNyejumpedintothedriftingherdofmetropolitancattle，seizeduponaman，draggedhimoutofthestreamandgavehimabuffetuponhiscollarbonethatsenthimreelingagainstawall。
　　Thevictimrecoveredhishat，withtheangrylookofaNewYorkerwhohassufferedanoutrageandintendstowritetotheTrib。aboutit。Buthelookedathisassailant，andknewthattheblowwasinconsiderationofloveandaffectionafterthemanneroftheWest，whichgreetsitsfriendswithcontumelyanduproarandpoundingfists，andreceivesitsenemiesindecorumandorder，suchasthejudiciousplacingofthewelcomingbulletdemands。
　　“Godinthemountains！“criedGreenbrier，holdingfasttotheforelegofhiscull。“CanthisbeLonghornMerritt？“
　　Theothermanwas——oh，lookonBroadwayanydayforthepattern——
　　businessman——latestrolled-brimderby——goodbarber，business，digestionandtailor。
　　“GreenbrierNye！“heexclaimed，graspingthehandthathadsmittenhim。“Mydearfellow！Sogladtoseeyou！Howdidyoucometo——oh，tobesure——theinauguralceremonies——IrememberyoujoinedtheRoughRiders。Youmustcomeandhaveluncheonwithme，ofcourse。”
　　Greenbrierpinnedhimsadlybutfirmlytothewallwithahandthesize，shapeandcolorofaMcClellansaddle。
　　“Longy，“hesaid，inamelancholyvoicethatdisturbedtraffic，“whathavetheybeendoingtoyou？Youactjustlikeacitizen。
　　Theydonemadeyouintoaninmateofthecitydirectory。YounevermadenosuchJohnnyBranchexecrationofyourselfasthatoutontheGila。”Comeandhavelunchingwithme！”Youneverdefinedgrubbyanysuchtermsofreproachinthemdays。”
　　“I”vebeenlivinginNewYorksevenyears，“saidMerritt。“It”sbeeneightsincewepunchedcowstogetherinOldManGarcia”soutfit。Well，let”sgotoacaf”e，anyhow。Itsoundsgoodtohearitcalled”grub”again。”
　　Theypickedtheirwaythroughthecrowdtoahotel，anddrifted，asbyanaturallaw，tothebar。
　　“Speakup，“invitedGreenbrier。
　　“AdryMartini，“saidMerritt。
　　“Oh，Lord！“criedGreenbrier；“andyetmeandyouoncesawthesamepinkGilamonsterscrawlingupthewallsofthesamehotelinCa~nonDiablo！Adry——butletthatpass。Whiskeystraight——andthey”reonyou。”
　　Merrittsmiled，andpaid。
　　Theylunchedinasmallextensionofthediningroomthatconnectedwiththecaf”e。Merrittdexterouslydivertedhisfriend”schoice，thathoveredoverhamandeggs，toapur”eeofcelery，asalmoncutlet，apartridgepieandadesirablesalad。
　　“Ontheday，“saidGreenbrier，grievedandthunderous，“whenI
　　can”tholdbutonedrinkbeforeeatingwhenImeetafriendIain”tseenineightyearsata2by4tableinathirty-centtownat1
　　o”clockonthethirddayoftheweek，Iwantninebroncostokickmefortytimesovera640-acresectionofland。Getthemstatistics？“
　　“Right，oldman，“laughedMerritt。“Waiter，bringanabsinthefrapp”eand——what”syours，Greenbrier？“
　　“Whiskeystraight，“mournedNye。“Outoftheneckofabottleyouusedtotakeit，Longy——straightoutoftheneckofabottleonagallopingpony——Arizonaredeye，notthisab——oh，what”stheuse？
　　They”reonyou。”
　　Merrittslippedthewinecardunderhisglass。
　　“Allright。IsupposeyouthinkI”mspoiledbythecity。I”masgoodaWesternerasyouare，Greenbrier；but，somehow，Ican”tmakeupmymindtogobackoutthere。NewYorkiscomfortable——
　　comfortable。Imakeagoodliving，andIliveit。Nomorewetblanketsandridingherdinsnowstorms，andbaconandcoldcoffee，andblowoutsonceinsixmonthsforme。IreckonI”llhangouthereinthefuture。We”lltakeinthetheatreto-night，Greenbrier，andafterthatwe”lldineat”
　　“I”lltellyouwhatyouare。Merritt，“saidGreenbrier，layingoneelbowinhissaladandtheotherinhisbutter。“Youareaconcentrated，effete，unconditional，short-sleeved，gotch-earedMissSallyWalker。Godmadeyouperpendicularandsuitabletoridestraddleandusecusswordsintheoriginal。WhereforeyouhavesufferedhishandiworktoelapsebyremovingyourselftoNewYorkandputtingonlittleshoestiedwithstrings，andmakingfaceswhenyoutalk。I”veseenyouropeandtieasteerin421/2。
　　Ifyouwastoseeonenowyou”dwritetothePoliceCommissioneraboutit。Andtheseflapdoodledrinksthatyouinoculateyoursystemwith——theselittleessencesofcowslipwithacornsin”em，andparegoricflip——theyain”tanywaysinassentwiththecordialityofmanhood。Ihatetoseeyouthisway。”
　　“Well，Mr。Greenbrier，“saidMerritt，withapologyinhistone，“inawayyouareright。SometimesIdofeellikeIwasbeingraisedonthebottle。But，Itellyou，NewYorkiscomfortable——comfortable。
　　There”ssomethingaboutit——thesightsandthecrowds，andthewayitchangeseveryday，andtheveryairofitthatseemstotieaone-
　　mile-longstakeropearoundaman”sneck，withtheotherendfastenedsomewhereaboutThirty-fourthStreet。Idon”tknowwhatitis。”
　　“Godknows，“saidGreenbriersadly，“andIknow。TheEasthasgobbledyouup。Youwasvenison，andnowyou”reveal。Youputmeinmindofajaponicainawindow。You”vebeensigned，sealedanddiskivered。Requiescatinhocsigno。Youmakemethirsty。”
　　“Agreenchartreusehere，“saidMerritttothewaiter。
　　“Whiskeystraight，“sighedGreenbrier，“andthey”reonyou，yourenegadeoftheround-ups。”
　　“Guilty，withanapplicationformercy，“saidMerritt。“Youdon”tknowhowitis，Greenbrier。It”ssocomfortableherethat”
　　“Pleaseloanmeyoursmellingsalts，“pleadedGreenbrier。“IfI
　　hadn”tseenyouoncebluffthreebluffersfromMazatzalCitywithanemptyguninPhoenix”
　　Greenbrier”svoicediedawayinpuregrief。
　　“Cigars！“hecalledharshlytothewaiter，tohidehisemotion。
　　“ApackofTurkishcigarettesformine，“saidMerritt。
　　“They”reonyou，“chantedGreenbrier，strugglingtoconcealhiscontempt。
　　AtseventheydinedintheWhere-to-Dine-Wellcolumn。
　　Thateveningagalaxyhadassembledthere。Brightshonethelightso”erfairwomenandbr——letitgo，anyhow——bravemen。Theorchestraplayedcharmingly。Hardlyhadatipfromadinerbeenplacedinitshandsbyawaiterwhenitwouldburstforthintosoniferousness。ThemorebeeryoucontributedtoitthemoreMeyerbeeritgaveyou。Whichisreciprocity。
　　Merrittputforthexertionsonthedinner。Greenbrierwashisoldfriend，andhelikedhim。Hepersuadedhimtodrinkacocktail。
　　“Itakethehorehoundtea，“saidGreenbrier，“foroldtimes”sake。
　　ButI”dpreferwhiskeystraight。They”reonyou。”
　　“Right！“saidMerritt。“Now，runyoureyedownthatbilloffareandseeifitseemstohitchonanyoftheseitems。”
　　“Laymeonmylavabed！“saidGreenbrier，withbulgingeyes。“Allthesespecimensofnutrimentinthegrubwagon！What”sthis？
　　Horsewiththeheaves？Ipass。Butlookalong！Here”struckfortwentyroundupsallspelledoutindifferentdirections。WaittillI
　　see。”
　　Theviandsordered，Merrittturnedtothewinelist。
　　“ThisMedocisn”tbad，“hesuggested。
　　“You”rethedoc，“saidGreenbrier。“I”dratherhavewhiskeystraight。It”sonyou。”
　　Greenbrierlookedaroundtheroom。Thewaiterbroughtthingsandtookdishesaway。Hewasobserving。HesawaNewYorkrestaurantcrowdenjoyingitself。
　　“HowwastherangewhenyoulefttheGila？“askedMerritt。
　　“Fine，“saidGreenbrier。“Youseethatladyintheredspeckledsilkatthattable。Well，shecouldwarmoverherbeansatmycampfire。
　　Yes，therangewasgood。ShelooksasniceasawhitemustangI
　　seeonceonBlackRiver。”
　　Whenthecoffeecame，Greenbrierputonefootontheseatofthechairnexttohim。
　　“Yousaiditwasacomfortabletown，Longy，“hesaid，meditatively。
　　“Yes，it”sacomfortabletown。It”sdifferentfromtheplainsinabluenorther。Whatdidyoucallthatmessinthecrockwiththehandle，Longy？Oh，yes，squabsinacashroll。They”reworththeroll。Thatwhitemustanghadjustsuchawayofturninghisheadandshakinghismane——lookather，Longy。IfIthoughtIcouldselloutmyranchatafairprice，IbelieveI”d——
　　“Gyar——song！“hesuddenlycried，inavoicethatparalyzedeveryknifeandforkintherestaurant。
　　Thewaiterdivedtowardthetable。
　　“Twomoreofthemcocktaildrinks，“orderedGreenbrier。
　　Merrittlookedathimandsmiledsignificantly。
　　“They”reonme，“saidGreenbrier，blowingapuffofsmoketotheceiling。