1
　　Andthenwebrokedown。WebrokeourfaithwithbothMargaretandShoesmith，flungcareeranddutyoutofourlives，andwentawaytogether。
　　Itisonlynow，almostayearaftertheseevents，thatIcanbegintoseewhathappenedtome。AtthetimeitseemedtomeIwasarational，responsiblecreature，butindeedIhadnotpartedfromhertwodaysbeforeIbecameamonomaniactowhomnothingcouldmatterbutIsabel。Everytruthhadtobesquaredtothatobsession，everyduty。ItastoundsmetothinkhowIforgotMargaret，forgotmywork，forgoteverythingbutthatwetwowereparted。Istillbelievethatwithbetterchanceswemighthaveescapedtheconsequencesoftheemotionalstormthatpresentlyseizedusboth。
　　Butwehadnoforesightofthat，andnopreparationforit，andourcircumstancesbetrayedus。ItwaspartlyShoesmith'sunwisdomindelayinghismarriageuntilaftertheendofthesession——partlymyownamazingfollyinreturningwithinfourdaystoWestminster。Butwewereallofusintentuponthedefeatofscandalandthecompleterestorationofappearances。ItseemednecessarythatShoesmith'smarriageshouldnotseemtobehurried，stillmorenecessarythatI
　　shouldnotvanishinexplicably。IhadtobevisiblewithMargaretinLondonjustasmuchaspossible；wewenttorestaurants，wevisitedthetheatre；wecouldevencontemplatethepossibilityofmypresenceatthewedding。Forthat，however，wehadschemedaweekendvisittoWales，andafictitioussprainedankleatthelastmomentwhichwouldjustifymyabsence……
　　IcannotconveytoyoutheintolerablewretchednessandrebellionofmyseparationfromIsabel。ItseemedthatinthepasttwoyearsallmythoughtshadspuncommisurestoIsabel'sbrainandIcouldthinkofnothingthatdidnotleadmesurelytotheneedoftheoneintimateIhadfoundintheworld。IcamebacktotheHouseandtheofficeandmyhome，Ifilledallmydayswithappointmentsandduty，anditdidnotsavemeintheleastfromalonelyemptinesssuchasIhadneverfeltbeforeinallmylife。Ihadlittlesleep。InthedaytimeIdidahundredthings，IevenspokeintheHouseontwooccasions，andbymyownlowstandardsspokewell，anditseemedtomethatIwasgoingaboutinmyownbrainlikeahushedsurvivorinahousewhoseownerliesdeadupstairs。
　　IcametoacrisisafterthatwilddinnerofTarvrille's。Somethinginthatstrippedmysoulbare。
　　Itwasanoccasionmadeabsurdandstrangebytheoddaccidentthatthehousecaughtfireupstairswhilewewerediningbelow。Itwasamen'sdinner——"Adinnerofallsorts，"saidTarvrille，whenheinvitedme；"everythingfromEveshamandGanetoWilkinstheauthor，andHeavenknowswhatwillhappen！"IrememberthatafterwardsTarvrillewasaccusedofhavingplannedthefiretomakehisdinneramarvelandamemory。Itwasindeedawonderfuloccasion，andI
　　supposeifIhadnotbeenaltogetherdrenchedinmisery，Ishouldhavefoundthesamewildamusementinitthatglowedinalltheothers。Therewereoneortwouniversitydons，LordGeorgeFester，theracingman，Panmure，theartist，twoorthreebigCitymen，WestonMassinghayandanotherprominentLiberalwhosenameIcan'tremember，thethreemenTarvrillehadpromisedandEsmeer，LordWrassleton，Waulsort，thememberforMonckton，Nealandseveralothers。Webeganalittlecoldly，withduologues，buttheconversationwasalreadybecominggeneral——sofarassuchalongtablepermitted——whenthefireasserteditself。
　　Itasserteditselffirstasapenetratingandemphaticsmellofburningrubber，——itwascausedbythefusingofanelectricwire。
　　ThereekforceditswayintothediscussionofthePekinmassacresthathadsprungupbetweenEvesham，Waulsort，andtheothersattheendofthetable。"Somethingburning，"saidthemannexttome。
　　"Somethingmustbeburning，"saidPanmure。
　　Tarvrillehatedundignifiedinterruptions。Hehadaparticularlyimperturbablebutlerwithacadaveroussadfaceandaneyeofrigiddisapproval。Hespoketothisindividualoverhisshoulder。"Justsee，willyou，"hesaid，andcaughtupthepauseinthetalktohisleft。
　　Wilkinswasaskingquestions，andI，too，wascurious。ThestoryofthesiegeoftheLegationsinChinaintheyear1900andallthatfolloweduponthat，isjustoneofthosedisturbinginterludesinhistorythatrefusetojoinontothatgeneralschemeofprotestationbywhichcivilisationismaintained。ItisabreakinthegeneralflowofexperienceasdisconcertingtostatecraftastherobberyofmyknifeandthescufflethatfollowedithadbeentomewhenIwasaboyatPenge。Itislikeatearinacurtainrevealingquiteunexpectedbackgrounds。Ihadnevergiventhebusinessathoughtforyears；nowthistalkbroughtbackastringofpicturestomymind；howthereliefsarrivedandtheplunderingbegan，howsectionaftersectionoftheInternationalArmywasdrawnintomurderandpillage，howtheinfectionspreadupwarduntilthewivesofMinisterswerebusylooting，andtheverysentinelsstrippedandcrawledlikesnakesintothePalacetheyweresettoguard。Itdidnotstopatrobbery，menweremurdered，women，beingplundered，wereoutraged，childrenwerebutchered，strongmenhadfoundthemselveswitharmsinalawless，defencelesscity，andthishadfollowed。
　　Nowitwasallrecalled。
　　"Respectableladiesaddictedtodistrictvisitingathomewereasbadasanyone，"saidPanmure。"Glazebrooktoldmeofone——flushedlikeawomanatabargainsale，hesaid——andwhenhepointedouttoherthatthesilkshe'dgotwasbloodstained，shejustsaid，'Oh，bother！'andthrewitasideandwentback……"
　　WebecameawarethatTarvrille'sbutlerhadreturned。Wetriednottoseemtolisten。
　　"Begpardon，m'lord，"hesaid。"ThehouseISonfire，m'lord。"
　　"Upstairs，m'lord。"
　　"Justoverhead，m'lord。"
　　"Themaidsarethrowingwater，m'lord，andI'vetelephonedFIRE。"
　　"No，m'lord，noimmediatedanger。"
　　"It'sallright，"saidTarvrilletothetablegenerally。Goon！
　　It'snotageneralconflagration，andthefirebrigadewon'tbefiveminutes。Don'tseethatit'souraffair。Thestuff'sinsured。
　　TheysayoldLadyPaskershortlywasdreadful。Likeaharpy。TheDowagerEmpresshadshownhersomelittlethingsofhers。Petthings——hiddenaway。Susanwentstraightforthem——usedtotakeanumbrellaforthesilks。Bornshoplifter。"
　　Itwasevidenthedidn'twanthisdinnerspoilt，andweplayeduployally。
　　"Thisisrecordedhistory，"saidWilkins，——"practically。Itmakesonewonderaboutunrecordedhistory。InIndia，forexample。"
　　Butnobodytouchedthat。
　　"Thompson，"saidTarvrilletotheimperturbablebutler，andindicatingthetablegenerally，"champagne。Champagne。Keepitgoing。"
　　"M'lord，"andThompsonmarshalledhisassistants。
　　SomemanIdidn'tknowbegantorememberthingsaboutMandalay。
　　"It'squeer，"hesaid，"howpeoplebreakoutattimes；"andtoldhisstoryofanarmydoctor，brave，public-spirited，and，asithappened，deeplyreligious，whowascaughtoneeveningbytheexcitementofplundering——andstoleandhid，twistedthewristofaboyuntilitbroke，andwasafterwardsovercomebywildremorse。
　　IwatchedEveshamlisteningintently。"Strange，"hesaid，"verystrange。Wearesuchstuffasthievesaremadeof。AndinChina，too，theymurderedpeople——forthesakeofmurdering。Apart，sotospeak，frommercenaryconsiderations。I'mafraidthere'snodoubtofitincertaincases。Nodoubtatall。YoungsoldiersfreshfromGermanhighschoolsandEnglishhomes！"
　　"DidOURpeople？"askedsomepatriot。
　　"Notsomuch。ButI'mafraidtherewerecases……SomeoftheIndiantroopswereprettybad。"
　　Ganepickedupthetalewithconfirmations。
　　Itisallprintedinthevividestwayasapictureuponmymemory，sothatwereIapainterIthinkIcouldgivethedeeprichbrownsandwarmgreysbeyondthebrightlylittable，thevariousdistinguishedfaces，stronglyilluminated，interestedandkeen，abovetheblackandwhiteofeveningdress，thealertmenservantswiththeirheavier，clean-shavedfacesindistinctlyseeninthedimnessbehind。Thenthiswascolouredemotionallyformebymyachingsenseoflossandsacrifice，andbythechancetrendofourtalktothebreachesandunrealitiesofthecivilisedscheme。Weseemedalittletransitorycircleoflightinauniverseofdarknessandviolence；aneffecttowhichthediminishingsmellofburningrubber，thetramplingoffeetoverhead，theswishofwater，addedenormously。Everybody——unless，perhaps，itwasEvesham——drankrathercarelesslybecauseofthesuppressedexcitementofoursituation，andtalkedthelouderandmorefreely。
　　"Butwhataflimsythingourcivilisationis！"saidEvesham；"amerethinnetofhabitsandassociations！"
　　"Isupposethosemencameback，"saidWilkins。
　　"LadyPaskershortlydid！"chuckledEvesham。
　　"Howdotheyfititinwiththerestoftheirlives？"Wilkinsspeculated。"Isupposethere'sPekin-stainedpoliceofficers，Pekin-stainedJ。P。's——tryingpettypilferersintheseverestmanner。"……
　　Thenforatimethingsbecamepreposterous。Therewasasuddencascadeofwaterbythefireplace，andthenabsurdlytheceilingbegantorainuponus，firstatthispointandthenthat。"Mynewsuit！"criedsomeone。"Perrrrrr-uppe-rr"——anewverticallineofblackenedwaterwouldestablishitselfandformaspreadingpooluponthegleamingcloth。Themennearestwouldarrangecatchmentareasofplatesandflowerbowls。"Drawup！"saidTarvrille，"drawup。That'sthebadendofthetable！"Heturnedtotheimperturbablebutler。"Takeroundbathtowels，"hesaid；andpresentlythemenbehinduswereoffering——withinflexibledignity——
　　"Portwine，Sir。Bathtowel，Sir！"Waulsort，withstreaksofblackenedwateronhisforehead，wassuddenlyremindedofawetyearwhenhehadfollowedtheFrencharmymanoeuvres。AnanimateddisputesprangupbetweenhimandNealabouttherelativeefficiencyofthenewFrenchandGermanfieldguns。WrassletonjoinedinandalittledrunkenshrivelledOxforddonofsomesortwithablack-
　　splashedshirtfrontwhopresentlysilencedthemallbytheimmensityandparticularityofhisknowledgeoffieldartillery。
　　ThenthetalkdriftedtoSedanandtheeffectofdeadhorsesupondrinking-water，whichbroughtWrassletonandWestonMassinghayintoadisputeofgreatvigourandemphasis。"ThetroubleinSouthAfrica，"saidWestonMassinghay，"wasn'tthatwedidn'tboilourwater。Itwasthatwedidn'tboilourmen。TheBoersdrankthesamestuffwedid。THEYdidn'tgetdysentery。"
　　Thatargumentwentonforsometime。IwasattackedacrossthetablebyamannamedBurshortaboutmyEndowmentofMotherhoodschemes，butinthegapsofthatdebateIcouldstillhearWestonMassinghayatintervalsrepeatinaratherthickenedvoice："THEY
　　didn'tgetdysentery。"
　　IthinkEveshamwentearly。Therestofusclusteredmoreandmorecloselytowardsthedrierendoftheroom，thetablewaspushedalong，andtheareabeneaththeextinguishedconflagrationabandonedtoatinkling，splashingcompanyofpotsandpansandbowlsandbaths。Everybodywasnowdisposedtobehilariousandnoisy，tosaystartlingandaggressivethings；wemusthavesoundedaqueerclamourtoalistenerinthenextroom。Thedevilinspiredthemtobeginbaitingme。"Oursisn'ttheTorypartyanymore，"saidBurshort。"RemingtonhasmadeittheObstetricParty。"
　　"That'sgood！"saidWestonMassinghay，withallhisteethgleaming；
　　"IshallusethatagainstyouintheHouse！"
　　"Ishalldenounceyouforabusingprivateconfidencesifyoudo，"
　　saidTarvrille。
　　"RemingtonwantsustogiveuplaunchingDreadnoughtsandlaunchbabiesinstead，"Burshorturged。"ForthepriceofoneDreadnought——"
　　Thelittleshrivelleddonwhohadbeenomniscientaboutgunsjoinedinthebaiting，anddisplayedhimselfavenomouscreature。
　　SomethinginhiseyestoldmeheknewIsabelandhatedmeforit。
　　"Loveandfinethinking，"hebegan，alittlethickly，andknockingoverawine-glasswithatooeasygesture。"Loveandfinethinking。
　　Twothingsdon'tgotogether。Nophilosophyworthadamnevercameoutofexcessesoflove。SaltLakeCity——Piggott——Ag——Agapemoneagain——noworkstomatter。"
　　Everybodylaughed。
　　"Gottorec'nisethesefacts，"saidmyassailant。"Loveandfinethink'nprettyphrase——attractive。Suitableforp'liticaldec'rations。Postcard，Christmas，giltlets，inawreathofwhiteflow's。Nototh'wisevalu'ble。"
　　Imadesomeremark，Iforgetwhat，butheoverboreme。
　　RealthingswewantareHate——HateandCOARSEthink'n。Ib'longtotheschoolofMrs。F'sAunt——"
　　"What？"saidsomeone，intent。
　　"In'LittleDorrit，'"explainedTarvrille；"goon！"
　　"Hateafool，"saidmyassailant。
　　Tarvrilleglancedatme。Ismiledtoconcealthelossofmytemper。
　　"Hate，"saidthelittleman，emphasisinghispointwithaclumsyfist。"Hate'sthedrivingforce。What'sm'rality？——hateofrottengoingson。What'spatriotism？——hateofint'lopingforeigners。
　　What'sRadicalism？——hateoflords。What'sToryism？——hateofdisturbance。It'sallhate——hatefromtoptobottom。Hateofamess。Remingtonownedittheotherday，saidhehatedamu'll。
　　Thereyouare！Ifyoucouldn'tgethateintoanelection，damnithicpeoplewou'n'tpoll。Pollforlove！——no'me！"
　　Hepaused，butbeforeanyonecouldspeakhehadresumed。
　　"Thenthisaboutfinethinking。Likegoingintoabearpitarmedwithatagle——talgent——talgentgalv'nometer。LikegoingtofightamaddogwithShasepearandtheBible。Finethinking——whatwewantisthethickes'thinkingwecanget。Thinkingthatstandsupalone。
　　TafReformmeansworkforall，thassortofthing。"
　　ThegentlemanfromCambridgepaused。"YOUaflag！"hesaid。"I'dassoongotoba'ellund'wettissuepaper！"
　　Mybestansweronthespurofthemomentwas：
　　"TheJapanesedid。"Whichwasabsurd。
　　Iwentontosomeotherreply，Iforgetexactlywhat，andthetalkofthewholetabledrewroundme。Itwasanextraordinaryrevelationtome。Everyonewasunusuallycarelessandoutspoken，anditwasamazinghowmanifestlytheyechoedthefeelingofthisoldToryspokesman。Theywerequitefriendlytome，theyregardedmeandtheBLUEWEEKLYasvaluablepartyassetsforToryism，butitwascleartheyattachednomoreimportancetowhatweremyrealitiesthantheydidtotheremarkabletherapeuticclaimsofMrs。Eddy。
　　Theywereflushedandamused，perhapstheywentalittletoofarintheirresolvestodrawme，buttheylefttheimpressiononmymindofmenirrevocablysetuponnarrowandcynicalviewsofpoliticallife。Forthemthepoliticalstrugglewasagame，whosecounterswerehumanhateandhumancredulity；theirrealaimwasjusteveryone'saim，thepreservationoftheclassandwayoflivingtowhichtheirliveswereattuned。TheydidnotknowhowtiredIwas，howexhaustedmentallyandmorally，norhowcrueltheirconvergentattackonmechancedtobe。Butmytempergaveway，Ibecametartandfierce，perhapsmyreplieswereatrifleabsurd，andTarvrille，withthatquickeyeandsympathyofhis，cametotherescue。ThenforatimeIsatsilentanddrankportwinewhiletheotherstalked。
　　Thedisorderoftheroom，thestilldrippingceiling，thenoise，thedisplacedtiesandcrumpledshirtsofmycompanions，jarredonmytormentednerves……
　　Itwaslongpastmidnightwhenwedispersed。IrememberTarvrillecomingwithmeintothehall，andthensuggestingweshouldgoupstairstoseethedamage。Amanservantcarrieduptwoflickeringcandlesforus。Oneendoftheroomwasgutted，curtains，hangings，severalchairsandtableswerecompletelyburnt，thepanellingwasscorchedandwarped，threesmashedwindowsmadethecandlesflareandgutter，andsomescrapsofbrokenchinastilllayonthepuddledfloor。
　　Aswesurveyedthis，LadyTarvrilleappeared，backfromsomeparty，aslender，white-cloaked，satin-footedfigurewithamazedblueeyesbeneathhergoldenhair。Irememberhowstupidlywelaughedathersurprise。
　　2
　　IpartedfromPanmureatthecornerofAldingtonStreet，andwentmywayalone。ButIdidnotgohome，Iturnedwestwardandwalkedforalongway，andthenstrucknorthwardaimlessly。Iwastoomiserabletogotomyhouse。
　　IwanderedaboutthatnightlikeamanwhohasdiscoveredhisGodsaredead。Icanlookbacknowdetachedyetsympatheticuponthatwildconfusionofmoodsandimpulses，andbyitIthinkIcanunderstand，oh！halfthewrongdoingandblunderingintheworld。
　　IdonotfeelnowthelogicalforceoftheprocessthatmusthaveconvincedmethenthatIhadmademysacrificeandspentmystrengthinvain。AtnotimehadIbeenunderanyillusionthattheTorypartyhadhigheridealsthananyotherparty，yetitcametomelikeathingnewlydiscoveredthatthemenIhadtoworkwithhadforthemostpartnosuchdreams，nosenseofanycollectivepurpose，noatomofthefaithIheld。Theywerejustasimmediatelyintentuponpersonalends，justaslimitedbyhabitsofthought，asthemeninanyothergrouporparty。PerhapsIhadslippedunawaresforatimeintothedelusionsofapartyman——butIdonotthinkso。
　　No，itwasthemoodofprofounddespondencythathadfollowedupontheabruptcessationofmyfamiliarintercoursewithIsabel，thatgavethisfactthathadalwaysbeenpresentinmyminditsqualityofdevastatingrevelation。ItseemedasthoughIhadneverseenbeforenorsuspectedthestupendousgapbetweenthechaoticaims，theroutine，theconventionalacquiescences，thevulgarisationsofthepersonallife，andthatclearlyconsciousdevelopmentandserviceofacollectivethoughtandpurposeatwhichmyeffortsaimed。Ihadthoughtthembutalittlewayapart，andnowIsawtheywereseparatedbyallthedistancebetweenearthandheaven。I
　　sawnowinmyselfandeveryonearoundme，aconcentrationuponinterestscloseathand，aninabilitytodetachoneselffromtheprovocations，tendernesses，instinctivehates，dumblustsandshytimiditiesthattouchedoneateverypoint；and，saveforrareexaltedmoments，aregardlessnessofbroaderaimsandremoterpossibilitiesthatmadethewhitepassionofstatecraftseemasunearthlyandirrelevanttohumanlifeasthestoryanastronomerwilltell，halfprovenbutaltogetherincredible，ofhabitableplanetsandansweringintelligences，suns'distancesuncountedacrossthedeep。ItseemedtomeIhadaspiredtoohighandthoughttoofar，hadmockedmyownlittlenessbypresumption，hadgiventheuttermostdearrealityoflifeforatheoriser'sdream。
　　Allthroughthatwanderingagonyofminethatnightadozenthreadsofthoughtinterwove；nowIwasasoulspeakinginprotesttoGodagainstatasktoocoldandhighforit，andnowIwasanangryman，scornedandpointedupon，whohadletlifecheathimoftheultimateprideofhissoul。NowIwasthefoolofambition，whoopenedhisboxofgoldtofindblankemptiness，andnowIwasaspinnerofflimsythoughts，whosewebtoretoragsatatouch。IrealisedforthefirsttimehowmuchIhadcometodependuponthemindandfaithofIsabel，howshehadconfirmedmeandsustainedme，howlittlestrengthIhadtogoonwithourpurposesnowthatshehadvanishedfrommylife。Shehadbeentheincarnationofthosegreatabstractions，thesavingreality，thevoicethatansweredback。
　　Therewasnosupportthatnightinthethingsthathadbeen。Wewerealonetogetheronthecliffforevermore！——thatwasveryprettyinitsway，butithadnotruthwhateverthatcouldhelpmenow，noounceofsustainingvalue。IwantedIsabelthatnight，nosentimentormemoryofher，butIsabelalive，——totalktome，totouchme，toholdmetogether。Iwantedunendurablytheduskygentlenessofherpresence，theconsolationofhervoice。
　　Wewerealonetogetheronthecliff！Istartledapassingcabmanintointerestbylaughingaloudatthatmagnificentandcharacteristicsentimentality。Whatalieitwas，andhowsatisfyingithadbeen！Thatwasjustwhereweshouldn'tremain。
　　Weofallpeoplehadnodistinctionfromthathumanitywhoselotistoforget。Weshouldgoouttootherinterests，newexperiences，newdemands。Thattallandintricatefabricofambitiousunderstandingswehadbuiltuptogetherinourintimacywouldbethefirsttogo；andlastperhapstoendurewithuswouldbeafewgrossmemoriesofsightsandsounds，andtrivialincidentalexcitements……
　　IhadacuriousfeelingthatnightthatIhadlosttouchwithlifeforalongtime，andhadnowbeenremindedofitsquality。Thatinfernallittledon'sparodyofmyrulingphrase，"Hateandcoarsethinking，"stuckinmythoughtslikeapoisoneddart，acentreofinflammation。Justasamanwhoisdebilitatedhasnolongerthevitalitytoresistaninfection，somymind，slackenedbythecrisisofmyseparationfromIsabel，couldfindnoresistancetohisemphaticsuggestion。Itseemedtomethatwhathehadsaidwasoverpoweringlytrue，notonlyofcontemporarylife，butofallpossiblehumanlife。Loveistherarething，thetreasuredthing；
　　youlockitawayjealouslyandwatch，andwellyoumay；hateandaggressionandforcekeepthestreetsandruletheworld。Andfinethinkingis，intheroughissuesoflife，weakthinking，isabalancingindecisiveprocess，discoverswithdisloyalimpartialityajusticeandadefectoneachdisputingside。"Goodhonestmen，"asDaytoncallsthem，ruletheworld，withawayofthinkingoutdecisionslikeshootingcartloadsofbricks，andwithasteadfastpleasureinhostility。Daytonlikedtocallhisantagonists"blaggardsandscoundrels"——itjustifiedhisopposition——theLordswere"scoundrels，"allpeoplericherthanbewere"scoundrels，"allSocialists，alltroublesomepoorpeople；helikedtothinkofjailsandjusticebeingdone。Hispublicspiritwassaturatedwiththesombrejoysofconflictandthepleasantthoughtofcondignpunishmentforallrecalcitrantsouls。Thatwasthewayofit，I
　　perceived。Thathadsurvivalvalue，asthebiologistssay。Hewasfoolenoughinpoliticstobeaconsistentandhappypolitician……
　　Hateandcoarsethinking；howtheinfernaltruthofthephrasebeatmedownthatnight！Icouldn'trememberthatIhadknownthisallalong，andthatitdidnotreallymatterintheslightestdegree。I
　　hadworkeditalloutlongagoinotherterms，whenIhadseenhowallpartiesstoodforinterestsinevitably，andhowthepurposeinlifeachievesitself，ifitachievesitselfatall，asabyeproductofthewarofindividualsandclasses。Hadn'tIalwaysknownthatscienceandphilosophyelaboratethemselvesinspiteofallthepassionandnarrownessofmen，inspiteofthevanitiesandweaknessoftheirservants，inspiteofalltheheateddisorderofcontemporarythings？Wasn'titmyownphrasetospeakof"thatgreatermindinmen，inwhichwearebutmomentsandtransitorilylitcells？"Hadn'tIknownthatthespiritofmanstillspeakslikeathingthatstrugglesoutofmudandslime，andthatthemereefforttospeakmeanschokinganddisaster？Hadn'tIknownthatwewhothinkwithoutfearandspeakwithoutdiscretionwillnotcometoourownforthenexttwothousandyears？
　　Itwasthelastwasmostforgottenofallthatfaithmislaid。
　　Beforemankind，inmyvisionthatnight，stretchednewcenturiesofconfusion，vaststupidwars，hastilyconceivedlaws，foolishtemporarytriumphsoforder，lapses，set-backs，despairs，catastrophes，newbeginnings，amultitudinouswildernessoftime，anighplotlessdramaofwrong-headedenergies。InordertoassuagemypartingfromIsabelwehadsetourselvestoimaginegreatrewardsforourseparation，greatpersonalrewards；wehadpromisedourselvessuccessvisibleandshininginourlives。ToconsoleourselvesinourseparationwehadmadeoutoftheBLUEWEEKLYandouryoungTorymovementpreposterouslyenormousthings-asthoughthosepoorfertilisingtouchesatthesoilwereindeedthegerminatingseedsofthemillennium，asthoughamillionlivessuchasourshadnottocontributebeforethebeginningofthebeginning。
　　Thatpoorpretencehadfailed。Thatmagnificentpropositionshrivelledtonothingintheblacklonelinessofthatnight。
　　Isawthatthereweretobenosuchcompensations。SofarasmyrealservicestomankindwereconcernedIhadtoliveanunrecognisedandunrewardedlife。IfImadesuccessesitwouldbebytheway。Ourseparationwouldalternothingofthat。Myscandalwouldclingtomenowforallmylife，athingaffectingrelationships，embarrassingandhamperingmyspirit。Ishouldfollowthecommonlotofthosewholivebytheimagination，andfollowitnowininfinitelonelinessofsoul；theonegoodcomforter，theoneeffectualfamiliar，waslosttomeforever；I
　　shoulddogoodandeviltogether，noonecaringtounderstand；I
　　shouldproducemuchwearywork，muchbad-spiritedwork，muchabsoluteevil；thegoodinmewouldbetoooftenill-expressedandmissedormisinterpreted。IntheendImightleaveonegleamingflakeorsoamidsttheslagheapsforamomentofpostmortemsympathy。Iwasafraidbeyondmeasureofmyderelictself。BecauseIbelievedwithallmysoulinloveandfinethinkingthatdidnotmeanthatIshouldnecessarilyeitherlovesteadfastlyorthinkfinely。IrememberhowIfelltalkingtoGod——IthinkItalkedoutloud。"WhydoIcareforthesethings？"Icried，"whenIcandosolittle！WhyamIapartfromthejollythoughtlessfightinglifeofmen？Thesedreamsfadetonothingness，andleavemebare！"
　　Iscolded。"Whydon'tyouspeaktoaman，showyourself？IthoughtIhadagleamofyouinIsabel，——andthenyoutakeheraway。DoyoureallythinkIcancarryonthisgamealone，doingyourworkindarknessandsilence，livinginmuddledconflict，halfliving，halfdying？"
　　Grotesqueanalogiesaroseinmymind。Idiscoveredastrangeparallelismbetweenmynowtatteredphraseof"Loveandfinethinking"andthe"LoveandtheWord"ofChristianthought。WasitpossibletheChristianpropagandahadattheoutsetmeantjustthatsystemofattitudesIhadbeenfeelingmywaytowardsfromtheverybeginningofmylife？HadIspentalifetimemakingmywaybacktoChrist？ItmockshumanitytothinkhowChristhasbeenoverlaid。I
　　wentalongnow，recallinglong-neglectedphrasesandsentences；I
　　hadanewvisionofthatgreatcentralfigurepreachinglovewithhateandcoarsethinkingeveninthedisciplesaboutHim，risingtoatidalwaveatlastinthatclamourforBarabbas，andthepublicsatisfactioninHisfate……
　　It'scurioustothinkthathopelessloveandanoisydisordereddinnershouldleadamantothesespeculations，buttheydid。"HeDIDmeanthat！"Isaid，andsuddenlythoughtofwhatabludgeonthey'dmadeofHisChristianity。Athwartthatperplexing，patientenigmasittinginaudiblyamongpublicansandsinners，dancedandgibberedalongprocessionofthechampionsoforthodoxy。"Hewasn'thuman，"Isaid，andrememberedthatlastdespairingcry，"MyGod！MyGod！whyhastThouforsakenMe？"
　　"Oh，HEforsakeseveryone，"Isaid，flyingoutasatiredmindwill，withanobviousrepartee……
　　IpassedataboundfromsuchmonstroustheologytoatoweringrageagainsttheBaileys。InaninstantandwithnosenseofabsurdityI
　　wanted——intheintervalsofloveandfinethinking——toflingaboutthatstrenuouslyvirtuouscouple；IwantedtokickKeyholeofthePEEPSHOWintothegutterandmakeacommonmassacreofalltheprosperousrascaldomthatmakesatradeandruleofvirtue。Icanstillfeelthattransition。InamomentIhadreachedthatphaseofweaklydecisiveangerwhichisforpeopleofmytemperamenttheconcomitantofexhaustion。
　　"Iwillhaveher，"Icried。"ByHeaven！IWILLhaveher！Lifemocksmeandcheatsme。Nothingcanbemadegoodtomeagain……
　　Whyshouldn'tIsavewhatIcan？Ican'tsavemyselfwithouther……"
　　Iremembermyself——asasortofanti-climaxtothat——rathertediouslyaskingmywayhome。IwassomewhereintheneighbourhoodofHollandPark……
　　Itwasthenbetweenoneandtwo。IfeltthatIcouldgohomenowwithoutanyriskofmeetingMargaret。IthadbeenthethoughtofreturningtoMargaretthathadsentmewanderingthatnight。ItisoneoftheugliestfactsIrecallaboutthattimeofcrisis，theintenseaversionIfeltforMargaret。Nosenseofhergoodness，herinjuryandnobility，andtheenormousgenerosityofherforgiveness，sufficedtomitigatethat。IhopenowthatinthisbookIamabletogivesomethingofhersilverysplendour，butallthroughthiscrisisIfeltnothingofthat。TherewasatriumphantkindlinessaboutherthatIfoundintolerable。Shemeanttobesokindtome，toofferunstintedconsolation，tomeetmyneeds，tosupplyjustallsheimaginedIsabelhadgivenme。
　　WhenIleftTarvrille's，IfeltIcouldanticipateexactlyhowshewouldmeetmyhomecoming。Shewouldbeperplexedbymycrumpledshirtfront，onwhichIhadspiltsomedropsofwine；shewouldoverlookthatbyaneffort，explainitsentimentally，resolveitshouldmakenodifferencetoher。Shewouldwanttoknowwhohadbeenpresent，whatwehadtalkedabout，showthealertestinterestinwhateveritwas——itdidn'tmatterwhat……No，Icouldn'tfaceher。
　　SoIdidnotreachmystudyuntiltwoo'clock。
　　There，Iremember，stoodthenewandverybeautifuloldsilvercandlesticksthatshehadsettheretwodayssincetopleaseme——thefoolishkindlinessofit！Butinhersearchforexpression，Margaretheapedpresentsuponme。Shehadfittedthesecandlestickswithelectriclights，andImust，Isuppose，havelitthemtowritemynotetoIsabel。"Givemeaword——theworldacheswithoutyou，"
　　wasallIscrawled，thoughIfullymeantthatsheshouldcometome。
　　Iknew，thoughIoughtnottohaveknown，thatnowshehadleftherflat，shewaswiththeBalfes——shewastohavebeenmarriedfromtheBalfes——andIsentmyletterthere。AndIwentoutintothesilentsquareandpostedthenoteforthwith，becauseIknewquiteclearlythatifIleftituntilmorningIshouldneverpostitatall。
　　3
　　Ihadacuriousrevulsionoffeelingthatmorningofourmeeting。
　　OfallplacesforsuchaclandestineencountershehadchosenthebridgeoppositeBuckinghamPalace。OvernightIhadbeenfullofselfpity，andeagerforthecomfortofIsabel'spresence。Buttheill-writtenscrawlinwhichshehadrepliedhadbeenfullofthesuggestionofherownweaknessandmisery。AndwhenIsawher，myownselfishsorrowswerealtogethersweptawaybyawaveofpitifultenderness。SomethinghadhappenedtoherthatIdidnotunderstand。Shewasmanifestlyill。Shecametowardsmewearily，shewhohadalwaysborneherselfsobravely；hershouldersseemedbent，andhereyesweretired，andherfacewhiteanddrawn。Allmylifehasbeenanarrowself-centredlife；nobrothers，nosistersorchildrenorweakthingshadeveryetmadeanyintimateappealtome，andsuddenly——Iverilybelieveforthefirsttimeinmylife！——I
　　feltagreatpassionofprotectiveownership；IfeltthatherewassomethingthatIcoulddietoshelter，somethingthatmeantmorethanjoyorprideorsplendidambitionsorsplendidcreationtome，anewkindofholduponme，anewpowerintheworld。Somesealedfountainwasopenedinmybreast。IknewthatIcouldloveIsabelbroken，Isabelbeaten，Isabeluglyandinpain，morethanIcouldloveanysweetordelightfulorgloriousthinginlife。Ididn'tcareanymoreforanythingintheworldbutIsabel，andthatI
　　shouldprotecther。ItrembledasIcamenearher，andcouldscarcelyspeaktoherfortheemotionthatfilledme……
　　"Ihadyourletter，"Isaid。
　　"Ihadyours。"
　　"Wherecanwetalk？"
　　Iremembermylamesentences。"We'llhaveaboat。That'sbesthere。"
　　Itookhertothelittleboat-house，andtherewehiredaboat，andIrowedinsilenceunderthebridgeandintotheshadeofatree。
　　ThesquaregreystonemassesoftheForeignOfficeloomedthroughthetwigs，Iremember，andalittlespaceofgrassseparatedusfromthepathwayandthescrutinyofpassers-by。Andtherewetalked。
　　"Ihadtowritetoyou，"Isaid。
　　"Ihadtocome。"
　　"Whenareyoutobemarried？"
　　"Thursdayweek。"
　　"Well？"Isaid。"But——canwe？"
　　Sheleantforwardandscrutinisedmyfacewitheyeswideopen。
　　"Whatdoyoumean？"shesaidatlastinawhisper。
　　"Canwestandit？Afterall？"
　　Ilookedatherwhiteface。"Canyou？"Isaid。
　　Shewhispered。"Yourcareer？"
　　Thensuddenlyherfacewascontorted，——sheweptsilently，exactlyasachildtormentedbeyondendurancemightsuddenlyweep……
　　"Oh！Idon'tcare，"Icried，"now。Idon'tcare。Damnthewholesystemofthings！Damnallthispatchingoftheirrevocable！I
　　wanttotakecareofyou，Isabel！andhaveyouwithme。"
　　"Ican'tstandit，"sheblubbered。
　　"Youneedn'tstandit。Ithoughtitwasbestforyou……I
　　thoughtindeeditwasbestforyou。Ithoughtevenyouwanteditlikethat。"
　　"Couldn'tIlivealone——asImeanttodo？"
　　"No，"Isaid，"youcouldn't。You'renotstrongenough。I'vethoughtofthat；I'vegottoshelteryou。"
　　"AndIwantyou，"Iwenton。"I'mnotstrongenough——Ican'tstandlifewithoutyou。"
　　Shestoppedweeping，shemadeagreatefforttocontrolherself，andlookedatmesteadfastlyforamoment。"Iwasgoingtokillmyself，"shewhispered。"Iwasgoingtokillmyselfquietly——
　　somehow。Imeanttowaitabitandhaveanaccident。Ithought——
　　youdidn'tunderstand。Youwereaman，andcouldn'tunderstand……"
　　"Peoplecan'tdoaswethoughtwecoulddo，"Isaid。"We'vegonetoofartogether。"
　　"Yes，"shesaid，andIstaredintohereyes。
　　"Thehorrorofit，"shewhispered。"Thehorrorofbeinghandedover。It'sjustonlybeguntodawnuponme，seeinghimnowasIdo。
　　Hetriestobekindtome……Ididn'tknow。Ifeltadventurousbefore……Itmakesmefeellikeallthewomenintheworldwhohaveeverbeenownedandsubdued……It'snotthatheisn'tthebestofmen，it'sbecauseI'mapartofyou……Ican'tgothroughwithit。IfIgothroughwithit，Ishallbeleft——robbedofpride——outraged——awomanbeaten……"
　　"Iknow，"Isaid，"Iknow。"
　　"Iwanttolivealone……Idon'tcareforanythingnowbutjustescape。Ifyoucanhelpme……"
　　"Imusttakeyouaway。There'snothingforusbuttogoawaytogether。"
　　"Butyourwork，"shesaid；"yourcareer！Margaret！Ourpromises！"
　　"We'vemadeamessofthings，Isabel——orthingshavemadeamessofus。Idon'tknowwhich。Ourflagsareinthemud，anyhow。It'stoolatetosavethoseotherthings！Theyhavetogo。Youcan'tmaketermswithdefeat。IthoughtitwasMargaretneededmemost。
　　Butit'syou。AndIneedyou。Ididn'tthinkofthateither。I
　　haven'tadoubtleftintheworldnow。We'vegottoleaveeverythingratherthanleaveeachother。I'msureofit。Nowwehavegonesofar。We'vegottogorightdowntoearthandbeginagain……Dear，IWANTdisgracewithyou……"
　　SoIwhisperedtoherasshesatcrumpledtogetheronthefadedcushionsoftheboat，thiswhiteandwearyyoungwomanwhohadbeensovaliantandcarelessagirl。"Idon'tcare，"Isaid。"Idon'tcareforanything，ifIcansaveyououtofthewreckagewehavemadetogether。"
　　4
　　ThenextdayIwenttotheofficeoftheBLUEWEEKLYinordertogetasmuchaspossibleofitsaffairsinworkingorderbeforeIleftLondonwithIsabel。IjustmissedShoesmithintheloweroffice。
　　UpstairsIfoundBrittenamidstapileofoutsidearticles，methodicallyreadingthetitleofeachandsometimesthefirsthalf-
　　dozenlines，andeitherdroppingtheminagrowingheaponthefloorforaclerktoreturn，orputtingthemasideforconsideration。I
　　interruptedhim，squattedonthewindow-silloftheopenwindow，andsketchedoutmyideasforthesession。
　　"You'refar-sighted，"heremarkedatsomethingofminewhichreachedoutahead。
　　"Iliketoseethingsprepared，"Ianswered。
　　"Yes，"hesaid，andrippedopentheenvelopeofafreshaspirant。
　　Iwassilentwhileheread。
　　"You'regoingawaywithIsabelRivers，"hesaidabruptly。
　　"Well！"Isaid，amazed。
　　"Iknow，"hesaid，andlosthisbreath。"Notmybusiness。Only——"
　　ItwasqueertofindBrittenafraidtosayathing。
　　"It'snotplayingthegame，"hesaid。
　　"Whatdoyouknow？"
　　"Everythingthatmatters。"
　　"Somegames，"Isaid，"aretoohardtoplay。"
　　Therecameapausebetweenus。
　　"Ididn'tknowyouwerewatchingallthis，"Isaid。
　　"Yes，"heanswered，afterapause，"I'vewatched。"
　　"Sorry——sorryyoudon'tapprove。"
　　"Itmeanssmashingsuchaninfernallotofthings，Remington。"
　　Ididnotanswer。
　　"You'regoingawaythen？"
　　"Yes。"
　　"Soon？"
　　"Rightaway。"
　　"There'svourwife。"
　　"Iknow。"
　　"Shoesmith——whomyou'repledgedtoinamanner。You'vejustpickedhimoutandmadehimconspicuous。Everyonewillknow。Oh！ofcourse——it'snothingtoyou。Honour——"
　　"Iknow。"
　　"Commondecency。"
　　Inodded。
　　"Allthismovementofours。That'swhatIcareformost……
　　It'scometobeabigthing，Remington。"
　　"Thatwillgoon。"
　　"Wehaveauseforyou——nooneelsequitefillsit。Noone……
　　I'mnotsureitwillgoon。"
　　"DoyouthinkIhaven'tthoughtofallthesethings？"
　　Heshruggedhisshoulders，andrejectedtwopapersunread。
　　"Iknew，"heremarked，"whenyoucamebackfromAmerica。Youwerealightwithit。"Thenhelethisbitternessgleamforamoment。
　　"ButIthoughtyouwouldsticktoyourbargain。"
　　"It'snotsomuchchoiceasyouthink，"Isaid。
　　"There'salwaysachoice。"
　　"No，"Isaid。
　　Hescrutinisedmyface。
　　"Ican'tlivewithouther——Ican'twork。She'sallmixedupwiththis——andeverything。Andbesides，there'sthingsyoucan'tunderstand。There'sfeelingsyou'veneverfelt……Youdon'tunderstandhowmuchwe'vebeentooneanother。"
　　Brittenfrownedandthought。
　　"Somethingsone'sGOTtodo，"hethrewout。
　　"Somethingsonecan'tdo。"
　　"Theseinfernalinstitutions——"
　　"Someonemustbegin，"Isaid。
　　Heshookhishead。"NotYOU，"hesaid。"No！"
　　Hestretchedouthishandsonthedeskbeforehim，andspokeagain。
　　"Remington，"hesaid，"I'vethoughtofthisbusinessdayandnighttoo。Itmatterstome。Itmattersimmenselytome。Inaway——it'sathingonedoesn'toftensaytoaman——I'velovedyou。I'mthesortofmanwholeadsanarrowlife……Butyou'vebeensomethingfineandgoodforme，sincethattime，doyouremember？
　　whenwetalkedaboutMeccatogether。"
　　Inodded。
　　"Yes。Andyou'llalwaysbesomethingfineandgoodformeanyhow。
　　Iknowthingsaboutyou，——qualities——nomereactcandestroythem……Well，Icantellyou，you'redoingwrong。You'regoingonnowlikeamanwhoishypnotisedandcan'tturnround。You'repilingwrongonwrong。Itwaswrongforyoutwopeopleevertobelovers。"
　　Hepaused。
　　"Itgrippedushard，"Isaid。
　　"Yes！——butinyourposition！Andhers！Itwasvile！"
　　"You'venotbeentempted。"
　　"Howdoyouknow？Anyhow——havingdonethat，yououghttohavestoodtheconsequencesandthoughtofotherpeople。Youcouldhaveendeditatthefirstpauseforreflection。Youdidn't。Youblunderedagain。Youkepton。Youowedacertainsecrecytoallofus！Youdidn'tkeepit。Youwerecareless。Youmadethingsworse。Thisengagementandthispublicity！——Damnit，Remington！"
　　"Iknow，"Isaid，withsmartingeyes。"Damnit！withallmyheart！
　　Itcameoftryingtopatch……YouCAN'Tpatch。"
　　"Andnow，asIcareforanythingunderheaven，Remington，youtwooughttostandtheselastconsequences——andpart。Yououghttopart。Otherpeoplehavetostandthings！Otherpeoplehavetopart。Yououghtto。Yousay——whatdoyousay？It'slossofsomuchlifetoloseeachother。Soislosingahandoraleg。Butit'swhatyou'veincurred。Amputate。Takeyourpunishment——Afterall，youchoseit。"
　　"Oh，damn！"Isaid，standingupandgoingtothewindow。
　　"Damnbyallmeans。Ineverknewatopicsofullofjustifiabledamns。Butyoutwodidchooseit。Yououghttosticktoyourundertaking。"
　　Iturneduponhimwithasnarlinmyvoice。"MydearBritten！"I
　　cried。"Don'tIKNOWI'mdoingwrong？Aren'tIinanet？SupposeIdon'tgo！Isthereanyrightinthat？Doyouthinkwe'regoingtobemuchtoourselvesoranyoneafterthisparting？I'vebeenthinkingalllastnightofthisbusiness，tryingitoverandoveragainfromthebeginning。Howwasitwewentwrong？SinceIcamebackfromAmerica——IgrantyouTHAT——butSINCE，there'sneverbeenastepthatwasn'tforced，thathadn'tasmuchrightinitormore，aswrong。YoutalkasthoughIwasathingofsteelthatcouldbendthiswayorthatandneverchange。YoutalkasthoughIsabelwasacatonecouldgivetoanykindofowner……Wetwoarethingsthatchangeandgrowandalterallthetime。We're——sointerwoventhatbeingpartednowwillleaveusjustmisshapencripples……
　　Youdon'tknowthemotives，youdon'tknowtherushandfeelofthings，youdon'tknowhowitwaswithus，andhowitiswithus。
　　Youdon'tknowthehungerforthemeresightofoneanother；youdon'tknowanything。"
　　Brittenlookedathisfinger-nailsclosely。Hisredfacepuckeredtoawryfrown。"Haven'tweallattimeswantedtheworldputback？"hegrunted，andlookedhardandcloseatoneparticularnail。
　　Therewasalongpause。
　　"Iwanther，"Isaid，"andI'mgoingtohaveher。I'mtootiredforbalancingtherightorwrongofitanymore。Youcan'tseparatethem。Isawheryesterday……She's——ill……I'dtakehernow，ifdeathwerejustoutsidethedoorwaitingforus。"
　　"Torture？"
　　Ithought。"Yes。"
　　"Forher？"
　　"Thereisn't，"Isaid。
　　"Iftherewas？"
　　Imadenoanswer。
　　"It'sblindWant。Andthere'snothingeverbeenputintoyoutostandagainstit。Whatareyougoingtodowiththerestofyourlives？"
　　"Noendofthings。"
　　"Nothing。"
　　"Idon'tbelieveyouareright，"Isaid。"Ibelievewecansavesomething——"
　　Brittenshookhishead。"Somescrapsofsalvagewon'texcuseyou，"
　　hesaid。
　　Hisindignationrose。"Inthemiddleoflife！"hesaid。"Nomanhasarighttotakehishandfromtheplough！"
　　Heleantforwardonhisdeskandopenedanargumentativepalm。"Youknow，Remington，"hesaid，"andIknow，thatifthiscouldbefendedoffforsixmonths——ifyoucouldbeclappedinprison，orgotoutofthewaysomehow，——untilthismarriagewasalloverandsettleddownforayear，say——youknowthenyoutwocouldmeet，curious，happy，asfriends。Saved！YouKNOWit。"
　　Iturnedandstaredathim。"You'rewrong，Britten，"Isaid。"Anddoesitmatterifwecould？"
　　IfoundthatintalkingtohimIcouldframetheapologeticsIhadnotbeenabletofindformyselfalone。
　　"Iamcertainofonething，Britten。Itisourdutynottohushupthisscandal。"
　　Heraisedhiseyebrows。Iperceivednowtheelementofabsurdityinme，butatthetimeIwasasseriousasamanwhoisburning。
　　"It'sourduty，"Iwenton，"tosmashnowopenlyinthesightofeveryone。Yes！I'vegotthatascleanandplain——asprisonwhitewash。Iamconvincedthatwehavegottobepublictotheuttermostnow——Imeanit——untileverycornerofourworldknowsthisstory，knowsitfully，addsittotheParnellstoryandtheAshtonDeanstoryandtheCarmelstoryandtheWittersleastory，andalltheotherstoriesthathavepickedmanaftermanoutofEnglishpubliclife，themenwithactiveimaginations，themenofstronginitiative。Tothinkthistotteringold-womanriddenEmpireshoulddaretowasteamanonsuchascore！YousayIoughttobepenitent——"
　　Brittenshookhisheadandsmiledveryfaintly。
　　"I'mboilingwithindignation，"Isaid。"Ilayinbedlastnightandwentthroughitall。WhatinGod'snamewastobeexpectedofusbutwhathashappened？Iwentthroughmylifebitbybitlastnight，IrecalledallI'vehadtodowithvirtueandwomen，andallIwastoldandhowIwasprepared。Iwasbornintocowardiceanddebasement。Weallare。Ourgeneration'sgrimywithhypocrisy。I
　　cametothemostbeautifulthingsinlife——likepeepingTomofCoventry。Iwasnevergivenalight，nevergivenatouchofnaturalmanhoodbyallthisdingy，furtive，canting，humbuggingEnglishworld。ThankGod！I'llsoonbeoutofit！Theshameofit！TheverysavagesinAustraliainitiatetheirchildrenbetterthantheEnglishdoto-day。Neitherofuswasevergivenaviewofwhattheycallmoralitythatdidn'tmakeitshowasshabbysubservience，asthemeanestdiscretion，anabjectsubmissiontounreasonableprohibitions！meeksurrenderofmindandbodytothedictationofpedantsandoldwomenandfools。Weweren'ttaught——weweremumbledat！Andwhenwefoundthatthethingtheycalledunclean，unclean，wasPaganbeauty——God！itwasaglorytosin，Britten，itwasaprideandsplendourlikebathinginthesunlightafterdustandgrime！"
　　"Yes，"saidBritten。"That'sallverywell——"
　　Iinterruptedhim。"Iknowthere'sacase——I'mbeginningtothinkitavalidcaseagainstus；butwenevermetit！There'sasteelyprideinselfrestraint，anobilityofchastity，butonlyforthosewhoseeandthinkandact——untrammeledandunafraid。Theotherthing，thecurrentthing，why！it'sworthasmuchasthechastityofamonkeykeptinacagebyitself！"Iputmyfootinachair，andurgedmycaseuponhim。"Thisisadirtyworld，Britten，simplybecauseitisamuddledworld，andthethingyoucallmoralityisdirtiernowthanthethingyoucallimmorality。Whydon'tthemoralistspicktheirstuffoutoftheslimeiftheycareforit，andwipeit？——damnthem！Iamburningnowtosay：'Yes，wedidthisandthis，'toalltheworld。Alltheworld！……Iwill！"
　　Brittenrubbedthepalmofhishandonthecornerofhisdesk。
　　"That'sallverywell，Remington，"hesaid。"Youmeantogo。"
　　Hestoppedandbeganagain。"Ifyoudidn'tknowyouwereinthewrongyouwouldn'tbesodamnedrhetorical。You'reinthewrong。
　　It'sasplaintoyouasitistome。You'releavingabigwork，you'releavingawifewhotrustedyou，togoandlivewithyourjollymistress……Youwon'tseeyou'reastatesmanthatmatters，thatnosingleman，maybe，mightcometosuchinfluenceasyouinthenexttenyears。You'rethrowingyourselfawayandaccusingyourcountryofrejectingyou。"
　　Heswungrounduponhisswivelatme。"Remington，"hesaid，"haveyouforgottentheimmensethingsourmovementmeans？"
　　Ithought。"PerhapsIamrhetorical，"Isaid。
　　"Butthethingswemightachieve！Ifyou'donlystaynow——evennow！
　　Oh！you'dsufferalittlesocially，butwhatofthat？You'dbeabletogoon——perhapsallthebetterforhostilityofthekindyou'dget。Youknow，Remington——youKNOW。"
　　Ithoughtandwentbacktohisearlierpoint。"IfIamrhetorical，atanyrateit'salivingfeelingbehindit。Yes，Irememberalltheimplicationsofouraims——verysplendid，veryremote。Butjustnowit'sratherlikeofferingtogiveafreezingmanthesunlitHimalayasfromendtoendinreturnforhiscamp-fire。Whenyoutalkofmeandmyjollymistress，itisn'tfair。Thatmisrepresentseverything。I'mnotgoingoutofthis——fordelights。That'sthesortofthingmenlikeSnufflesandKeyholeimagine——thatexcitesthem！WhenIthinkofthethingsthesecreaturesthink！Ugh！ButYOUknowbetter？Youknowthatphysicalpassionthatburnslikeafire——endsclean。I'mgoingforlove，Britten——ifIsinnedforpassion。I'mgoing，Britten，becausewhenIsawhertheotherdaysheHURTme。Shehurtmedamnably，Britten……I'vebeenacoldman——I'veledarhetoricallife——youhitmewiththatword！——Iputthingsinawindyway，Iknow，butwhathasgotholdofmeatlastisherpain。She'sill。Don'tyouunderstand？She'sasickthing——
　　aweakthing。She'snomoreagoddessthanI'magod……I'mnotinlovewithhernow；I'mRAWwithloveforher。Ifeellikeamanthat'sbeenflayed。Ihavebeenflayed……Youdon'tbegintoimaginethesortofhelplesssolicitude……She'snotgoingtodothingseasily；she'sill。Hercouragefails……It'shardtoputthingswhenoneisn'trhetorical，butit'sthis，Britten——
　　therearedistressesthatmattermorethanallthedelightsorachievementsintheworld……Imadeherwhatsheis——asInevermadeMargaret。I'vemadeher——I'vebrokenher……I'mgoingwithmyownwoman。TherestofmylifeandEngland，andsoforth，mustsquareitselftothat……"
　　Foralongtime，asitseemed，weremainedsilentandmotionless。
　　We'dsaidallwehadtosay。Myeyescaughtaprintedslipuponthedeskbeforehim，andIcamebackabruptlytothepaper。
　　Ipickedupthisgalleyproof。ItwasoneofWinter'sessays。
　　"Thismangoesondoingfirst-ratestuff，"Isaid。"Ihopeyouwillkeephimgoing。"
　　Hedidnotanswerforamomentorso。"I'llkeephimgoing，"hesaidatlastwithasigh。
　　5
　　IhavealetterMargaretwrotemewithinaweekofourflight。I
　　cannotresisttranscribingsomeofithere，becauseitlightsthingsasnowordofminecando。Itisastringofnearlyinconsecutivethoughtswritteninpencilinafine，tall，sprawlinghand。Itsveryinconsecutivenessisessential。Manywordsareunderlined。Itwasinanswertoonefromme；butwhatIwrotehaspassedutterlyfrommymind……
　　"Certainly，"shesays，"Iwanttohearfromyou，butIdonotwanttoseeyou。There'sasortofabstractYOUthatIwanttogoonwith。SomethingI'vemadeoutofyou……Iwanttoknowthingsaboutyou——butIdon'twanttoseeorfeelorimagine。WhensomedayIhavegotridofmyintolerablesenseofproprietorship，itmaybedifferent。Thenperhapswemaymeetagain。IthinkitisevenmorethelossofourpoliticalworkanddreamsthatIamfeelingthanthelossofyourpresence。Achingloss。IthoughtsomuchofthethingswewereDOINGfortheworld——hadgivenmyselfsounreservedly。You'veleftmewithnothingtoDO。Iamsuddenlyatlooseends……
　　"Wewomenaretrainedtobesodependentonaman。I'vegotnolifeofmyownatall。ItseemsnowtomethatIworemyclothesevenforyouandyourschemes……
　　"AfterIhavetoldmyselfahundredtimeswhythishashappened，I
　　askagain，'Whydidhegivethingsup？Whydidhegivethingsup？'……
　　"Itisjustasthoughyouwerewilfullydead……
　　"ThenIaskagainandagainwhetherthisthingneedhavehappenedatall，whetherifIhadhadawarning，ifIhadunderstoodbetter，I
　　mightnothaveadaptedmyselftoyourrestlessmindandmadethiscatastropheimpossible……
　　"Oh，mydear！whyhadn'tyoutheplucktohurtmeatthebeginning，andtellmewhatyouthoughtofmeandlife？Youdidn'tgivemeachance；notachance。Isupposeyoucouldn't。AllthesethingsyouandIstoodawayfrom。Youletmyfirstrepugnancesrepelyou……
　　"ItisstrangetothinkafteralltheseyearsthatIshouldbeaskingmyself，doIloveyou？haveIlovedyou？InasenseIthinkIHATEyou。Ifeelyouhavetakenmylife，draggeditinyourwakeforatime，thrownitaside。Iamresentful。Unfairlyresentful，forwhyshouldIexactthatyoushouldwatchandunderstandmylife，whenclearlyIhaveunderstoodsolittleofyours。ButIamsavage——
　　savageatthewreckingofallyouweretodo。
　　"Oh，why——whydidyougivethingsup？
　　"Nohumanbeingishisowntodowhathelikeswith。Youwerenotonlypledgedtomytiresome，ineffectualcompanionship，buttogreatpurposes。TheyAREgreatpurposes……
　　"IfonlyIcouldtakeupyourworkasyouleaveit，withthestrengthyouhad——thenindeedIfeelIcouldletyougo——youandyouryoungmistress……Allthatmatterssolittletome……
　　"YetIthinkImustindeedloveyouyourselfinmyslowerway。AttimesIammadwithjealousyatthethoughtofallIhadn'tthewittogiveyou……I'vealwayshiddenmytearsfromyou——andwhatwasinmyheart。It'smynaturetohide——andyou，youwantthingsbroughttoyoutosee。Youaresocuriousastobealmostcruel。
　　Youdon'tunderstandreserves。Youhavenomercywithrestraintsandreservations。YouarcnotreallyaCIVILISEDmanatall。Youhatepretences——andnotonlypretencesbutdecentcoverings……
　　"It'sonlyafteronehaslostloveandthechanceoflovingthatslowpeoplelikemyselffindwhattheymighthavedone。Whywasn'tIboldandrecklessandabandoned？It'sasreasonabletoaskthat，Isuppose，astoaskwhymyhairisfair……
　　"IgoonwiththeseperhapsesoverandoveragainherewhenIfindmyselfalone……
　　"Mydear，mydear，youcan'tthinkofthedesolationofthings——I
　　shallnevergobacktothathousewefurnishedtogether，thatwastohavebeenthelaboratorydoyouremembercallingitalaboratory？
　　inwhichyouweretoforgesomuchoftheneworder……
　　"But，dear，ifIcanhelpyou——evennow——inanyway——helpbothofyou，Imean……IttearsmewhenIthinkofyoupooranddiscredited。YouwillletmehelpyouifIcan——itwillbethelastwrongnottoletmedothat……
　　"Youhadbetternotgetill。Ifyoudo，andIhearofit——Ishallcomeafteryouwithatroupeofdoctor'sandnurses。IfIamafailureasawife，noonehaseversaidIwasanythingbutasuccessasadistrictvisitor……"
　　Thereareothersheets，butIcannottellwhethertheywerewrittenbeforeoraftertheonesfromwhichIhavequoted。Andmostofthemhavelittlethingstoointimatetosetdown。Butthisoddlypenetratinganalysisofourdifferencesmust，Ithink，begiven。
　　"ThereareallsortsofthingsIcan'texpressaboutthisandwantto。There'sthisdifferencethathasalwaysbeenbetweenus，thatyoulikenakednessandwildness，andI，clothingandrestraint。Itgoesthrougheverything。YouarealwaysTALKINGoforderandsystem，andthesplendiddreamoftheorderthatmightreplacethemuddledsystemyouhate，butbyasortofinstinctyouseemtowanttobreakthelaw。I'vewatchedyousoclosely。NowIwanttoobeylaws，tomakesacrifices，tofollowrules。Idon'twanttomake，butIdowanttokeep。Youareatoncemakersandrebels，youandIsabeltoo。You'rebadpeople——criminalpeople，Ifeel，andyetfullofsomethingtheworldmusthave。You'resomuchbetterthanme，andsomuchviler。Itmaybethereisnomakingwithoutdestruction，butitseemstomesometimesthatitisnothingbutaninstinctforlawlessnessthatdrivesyou。Youremindme——doyouremember？——ofthattimewewentfromNaplestoVesuvius，andwalkedoverthehotnewlavathere。DoyourememberhowtiredIwas？I
　　knowitdisappointedyouthatIwastired。Onewalkedthereinspiteoftheheatbecausetherewasacrust；likecustom，likelaw。
　　Butdirectlyacrustformsonthings，youarerestlesstobreakdowntothefireagain。Youtalkofbeauty，bothofyou，assomethingterrible，mysterious，imperative。YOURbeautyissomethingaltogetherdifferentfromanythingIknoworfeel。Ithaspaininit。YetyoualwaysspeakasthoughitwassomethingIoughttofeelandamdishonestnottofeel。MYbeautyisaquietthing。Youhavealwayslaughedatmyfeelingforold-fashionedchintzandbluechinaandSheraton。ButIlikeallthesefamiliarUSEDthings。MybeautyisSTILLbeauty，andyours，isexcitement。Iknownothingofthefascinationofthefire，orwhyoneshouldgodeliberatelyoutofallthedecentfinethingsoflifetorundangersandbesingedandtormentedanddestroyed。Idon'tunderstand……"
　　6
　　IrememberveryfreshlythemoodofourdeparturefromLondon，theplatformofCharingCrosswiththebigilluminatedclockoverhead，thebustleofportersandpassengerswithluggage，theshoutingofnewsboysandboyswithflowersandsweets，andthegroupsoffriendsseeingtravellersoffbytheboattrain。Isabelsatveryquietandstillinthecompartment，andIstoodupontheplatformwiththedooropen，withacuriousreluctancetotakethelaststepthatshouldsevermefromLondon'sground。Ishowedourtickets，andboughtahandfulofredrosesforher。Atlastcametheguardscrying："Takeyourseats，"andIgotinandclosedthedooronme。
　　Wehad，thankHeaven！acompartmenttoourselves。Iletdownthewindowandstaredout。
　　Therewasabustleoffinaladieuxontheplatform，acryof"Standaway，please，standaway！"andthetrainwasglidingslowlyandsmoothlyoutofthestation。
　　Ilookedoutupontheriverasthetrainrumbledwithslowlygatheringpaceacrossthebridge，andthebobbingblackheadsofthepedestriansinthefootway，andthecurveoftheriverandtheglowinggreathotels，andthelightsandreflectionsandblacknessesofthatold，familiarspectacle。Thenwithacommonthought，weturnedoureyeswestwardtowherethepinnaclesofWestminsterandtheshiningclocktowerrosehardandclearagainstthestill，luminoussky。
　　"They'llbeinCommitteeontheReformatoryBillto-night，"Isaid，alittlestupidly。
　　"Andso，"Iadded，"good-byetoLondon！"
　　Wesaidnomore，butwatchedthesouth-sidestreetsbelow——brightgleamsoflightsandmovement，andthedark，dim，monstrousshapesofhousesandfactories。WeranthroughWaterlooStation，LondonBridge，NewCross，St。John's。Wesaidneveraword。Itseemedtomethatforatimewehadexhaustedouremotions。Wehadescaped，wehadcutourknot，wehadacceptedthelastpenaltyofthatheadlongreturnofminefromChicagoayearandahalfago。Thatwasallsettled。Thatharvestoffeelingswehadreaped。IthoughtnowonlyofLondon，ofLondonasthesymbolofallwewereleavingandallwehadlostintheworld。Ifeltnothingnowbutanenormousandoverwhelmingregret……
　　Thetrainswayedandrattledonitsway。WeranthrougholdBromstead，whereonceIhadplayedwithcitiesandarmiesonthenurseryfloor。Thesprawlingsuburbswiththeirscatteredlightsgavewaytodimtree-setcountryunderacloud-veiled，intermittentlyshiningmoon。WepassedCardcasterPlace。PerhapsoldWardingham，thatpillaroftheoldConservatives，wasthere，frettingoverhisunsuccessfulstrugglewithouryoungToryism。
　　Littlehereckedofthisnewturnofthewheelandhowitwouldconfirmhiscontemptofallournovelties。Perhapssomefaintintimationdrewhimtothewindowtoseebehindthestemsoftheyoungfirtreesthatborderedhisdomain，thelittlestringoflightedcarriagewindowsglidingsouthward……
　　SuddenlyIbegantorealisejustwhatitwasweweredoing。
　　Andnow，indeed，IknewwhatLondonhadbeentome，LondonwhereI
　　hadbeenbornandeducated，theslovenlymotherofmymindandallmyambitions，Londonandtheempire！Itseemedtomewemustbegoingouttoaworldthatwasutterlyempty。Alloursignificancefellfromus——andbeforeuswasnomeaninganymore。WewereleavingLondon；myhand，whichhadgrippedsohungrilyuponitscomplexlife，hadbeenforcedfromit，myfingerslefttheirhold。
　　Thatwasover。Ishouldneverhaveavoiceinpublicaffairsagain。
　　Theinexorableunwrittenlawwhichforbidsovertscandalsentencedme。Weweregoingouttoanewlife，alifethatappearedinthatmomenttobeamereshrivelledremnantofme，amereresiduumofshelteringandfeedingandseeingamidstaliensceneryandthesoundofunfamiliartongues。Weweregoingtolivecheaplyinaforeignplace，socutoffthatImeetnowthemereststraytourist，thecommonesttweed-cladstrangerwithamixtureofshynessandhunger……
　　AndsuddenlyalltheschemesIwasleavingappearedfineandadventurousandhopefulastheyhadneverdonebefore。HowgreatwasthispurposeIhadrelinquished，thisboldandsubtleremakingoftheEnglishwill！Ihaddoubtedsomanythings，andnowsuddenlyIdoubtedmyunimportance，doubtedmyrighttothissuicidalabandonment。WasInotatrustedmessenger，greatlytrustedandfavoured，whohadturnedasidebytheway？HadInot，afterall，stoodforfarmorethanIhadthought；wasInotfilchingfromthatdeargreatcityofmybirthandlife，somevitallynecessarything，akey，alink，areconcilingclueinherpoliticaldevelopment，thatnowshemightseekvaguelyforinvain？WhatisonelifeagainsttheState？OughtInottohavesacrificedIsabelandallmypassionandsorrowforIsabel，andheldtomything——stucktomything？
　　IheardasthoughhehadspokenitinthecarriageBritten's"ItWAS
　　agoodgame。Noendofagame。AndforthefirsttimeIimaginedthefacesandvoicesofCruppandEsmeerandGanewhentheylearntofthissecretflight，thisflightofwhichtheywerequiteunwarned。AndShoesmithmighthethereinthehouse，——Shoesmithwhowastohavebeenmarriedinfourdays——thethingmighthithimfullinfrontofanykindofpeople。Crueleyesmightwatchhim。Whythedevilhadn'tIwrittenletterstowarnthemall？Icouldhavepostedthemfiveminutesbeforethetrainstarted。Ihadneverthoughttothatmomentoftheimmensemesstheywouldbein；howthewholeedificewouldclatterabouttheirears。Ihadasuddendesiretostopthetrainandgobackforaday，fortwodays，tosetthatnegligenceright。Mybrainforamomentbrightened，becameanimatedandprolificofideas。IthoughtofabrilliantlinewemighthavetakenonthatconfoundedReformatoryBill……
　　Thatsortofthingwasover……
　　Whatindeedwasn'tover？Ipassedtoavaguer，moremultitudinousperceptionofdisaster，thefriendsIhadlostalreadysinceAltiorabeganhercampaign，theamplerremnantwhomnowImustlose。I
　　thoughtofpeopleIhadbeenmerrywith，peopleIhadworkedwithandplayedwith，thecompanionsoftalkativewalks，thehostessesofhousesthathadonceglowedwithwelcomeforusboth。Iperceivedwemustlosethemall。Isawlifelikeatreeinlateautumnthathadoncebeenrichandsplendidwithfriends——andnowthelastbravedearswouldbehangingondoubtfullyagainstthefrostychilloffacts，twistingandtorturedintheuniversalgaleofindignation，tryingtoevadethecoldblastofthetruth。Ihadbetrayedmyparty，myintimatefriend，mywife，thewifewhosedevotionhadmademewhatIwas。ForawhilethefigureofMargaret，remote，wounded，shamed，dominatedmymind，andthethoughtofmyimmenseingratitude。Damnthem！they'dtakeitoutofhertoo。IhadafeelingthatIwantedtogostraightbackandgripsomeonebythethroat，someonetalkingillofMargaret。They'dblameherfornotkeepingme，forlettingthingsgosofar……Iwantedthewholeworldtoknowhowfineshewas。Isawinimaginationthebusy，exciteddinnertablesatworkuponusall，ratherpleasantlyexcited，brightlyindignant，merciless。
　　Well，it'sthestuffweare！……
　　Thensuddenly，stabbingmetotheheart，cameavisionofMargaret'stearsandthesoundofhervoicesaying，"Husbandmine！Oh！husbandmine！Toseeyoucry！"……
　　Icameoutofacloudofthoughtstodiscoverthenarrowcompartment，withitsfeeblelampoverhead，andourrugsandhand-
　　baggageswayingontherack，andIsabel，verystillinfrontofme，grippingmywiltingredrosestightlyinherbareandringlesshand。
　　ForamomentIcouldnotunderstandherattitude，andthenI
　　perceivedshewassittingbenttogetherwithherheadavertedfromthelighttohidethetearsthatwerestreamingdownherface。ShehadnotgotherhandkerchiefoutforfearthatIshouldseethis，butIsawhertears，darkdropsoftears，uponhersleeve……
　　Isupposeshehadbeenwatchingmyexpression，diviningmythoughts。
　　ForatimeIstaredatherandwasmotionless，inasortofstillandwearyamazement。Whyhadwedonethisinjurytooneanother？
　　WHY？Thensomethingstirredwithinme。
　　"ISABEL！"Iwhispered。
　　Shemadenosign。
　　"Isabel！"Irepeated，andthencrossedovertoherandcreptcloselytoher，putmyarmabouther，anddrewherwetcheektomine。
　　End