1
　　Icometothemostevasiveanddifficultpartofmystory，whichistotellhowIsabelandIhavemadeacommonwreckofourjointlives。
　　Itisnotthetellingofonesimpledisastrousaccident。Therewasaveininournaturesthatledtothiscollapse，graduallyandatthispointandthatitcrepttothesurface。Onemayindeedseeourdestruction——forindeedpoliticallywecouldnotbemoreextinctifwehadbeenshotdead——intheformofacatastropheasdisconnectedandconclusiveasameteoricstonefallingoutofheavenupontwofriend"m.kanbaapp点com"sandcrushingthemboth。ButIdonotthinkthatistruetooursituationorourselves。Wewerenottakenbysurprise。Thethingwasinusandnotfromwithout，itwasakintoourwayofthinkingandourhabitualattitudes；ithad，forallitsimpulsiveeffect，acertainnecessity。Wemighthaveescapednodoubt，astwomenatahundredyardsmayshootateachotherwithpistolsforaconsiderabletimeandescape。Butitisn'tparticularlyreasonabletotalkofthecontrarietyoffateiftheybothgethit。
　　IsabelandIweredangeroustoeachotherforseveralyearsoffriendship，andnotquiteunwittinglyso。
　　Inwritingthis，moreover，thereisaverygreatdifficultyinsteeringmywaybetweentwoequallyundesirabletonesinthetelling。InthefirstplaceIdonotwanttoseemtoconfessmysinswithapenitenceIamverydoubtfulifIfeel。NowthatIhavegotIsabelwecannodoubtcountthecostofitandfeelunquenchableregrets，butIamnotsurewhether，ifwecouldbeputbacknowintosuchcircumstancesaswewereinayearago，ortwoyearsago，whetherwithmyeyesfullyopenIshouldnotdooveragainverymuchasIdid。AndontheotherhandIdonotwanttojustifythethingswehavedone。Wearetwobadpeople——ifthereistobeanyclassificationofgoodandbadatall，wehaveactedbadly，andquiteapartfromanyotherconsiderationswe'velargelywastedourownverygreatpossibilities。Butitispartofaqueerhumourthatunderliesallthis，thatIfindmyselfslippingagainandagainintoasentimentaltreatmentofourcasethatisasunpremeditatedasitisinsincere。WhenIamalittletiredafteramorning'swritingIfindthefaintsuggestiongettingintoeveryothersentencethatourblundersandmisdeedsembodied，afterthefashionoftheprophetHosea，profoundmoraltruths。Indeed，IfeelsolittleconfidenceinmyabilitytokeepthisaltogetheroutofmybookthatIwarnthereaderherethatinspiteofanythinghemayreadelsewhereinthestory，intimatinghowevershylyanesotericandexaltedvirtueinourproceedings，theplaintruthofthisbusinessisthatIsabelandIwantedeachotherwithawantentirelyformless，inconsiderate，andoverwhelming。AndthoughIcouldtellyoucountlessdelightfulandbeautifulthingsaboutIsabel，werethisabookinherpraise，Icannoteitheranalysethatwantoraccountforitsextremeintensity。
　　Iwillconfessthatdeepinmymindthereisabeliefinasortofwildrightnessaboutanylovethatisfraughtwithbeauty，butthateludesmeandvanishesagain，andisnot，Ifeel，tobeputwiththerealveracitiesandrighteousnessesandvirtuesinthepaddocksandmenageriesofhumanreason……
　　Wehavealreadyachild，andMargaretwaschildless，andIfindmyselfpronetoinsistuponthat，asifitwasajustification。
　　But，indeed，whenwebecameloverstherewassmallthoughtofEugenicsbetweenus。Ourswasamutualandnotaphiloprogenitivepassion。OldNaturebehindusmayhavehadsuchpurposeswithus，butitisnotforustoannexherintentionsbyamoralisingafterthought。Thereisn't，infact，anydecentjustificationforuswhatever——atthatthestorymuststand。
　　Butifthereisnojustificationthereisatleastaveryeffectiveexcuseinthementalconfusednessofourtime。Theevasionofthatpassionatelythoroughexpositionofbeliefandofthegroundsofmorality，whichistheoutcomeofthemercenaryreligiouscompromisesofthelateVaticanperiod，thestupidsuppressionofanythingbutthemosttimiddiscussionofsexualmoralityinourliteratureanddrama，thepervadingcultivatedandprotectedmuddle-
　　headedness，leavesmentallyvigorouspeoplewithrelativelyenormouspossibilitiesofdestructionandlittleeffectivehelp。Theyfindthemselvesconfrontedbythehabitsandprejudicesofmanifestlycommonplacepeople，andbythatextraordinarypatched-upChristianity，thecultofa"Bromsteadised"deity，diffused，scattered，andaimless，whichhidesfromexaminationandanypossibilityoffaithbehindthepleaofgoodtaste。Agodaboutwhomthereisdelicacyisfarworsethannogodatall。WeareFORCEDtobelawsuntoourselvesandtoliveexperimentally。Itisinevitablethataconsiderablefractionofjustthatbolder，moreinitiatorysectionoftheintellectualcommunity，thesectionthatcanleastbesparedfromthecollectivelifeinaperiodoftrialandchange，willdriftintosuchemotionalcrisesandsuchdisasterasovertookus。Mostperhapswillescape，butmanywillgodown，manymorethantheworldcanspare。Itistheunwrittenlawofallourpubliclife，andthesameholdstrueofAmerica，thatanhonestopenscandalendsacareer。Englandinthelastquarterofacenturyhaswastedhalfadozenstatesmenonthisscore；shewould，Ibelieve，rejectNelsonnowifhesoughttoserveher。Isitwonderfulthattousfrettinghereinexilethisshouldseemthecruellestaswellasthemostfoolisheliminationofanecessarysocialelement？Itdestroysnovice；forvicehidesbynature。Itnotonlyrewardsdullnessasifitwerepositivevirtue，butsetsanenormouspremiumuponhypocrisy。Thatismycase，andthatiswhyI
　　amtellingthissideofmystorywithsomuchexplicitness。
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　　EversincetheKinghamsteadelectionIhadmaintainedwhatseemedadesultoryfriendshipwithIsabel。AtfirstitwasratherIsabelkeptitupthanI。WheneverMargaretandIwentdowntothatvilla，withitsthreeorfouracresofgardenandshrubberyaboutit，whichfulfilledourelectionpromisetoliveatKinghamstead，Isabelwouldturnupinastateoffrankcheerfulness，rejoicingatus，andtalkallshewasreadingandthinkingtome，andstayforalltherestoftheday。Inhershamelesslikingformeshewasasnaturalasasavage。Shewouldexercisemevigorouslyattennis，whileMargaretlayandrestedherbackintheafternoon，orguidemeforsomelongramblethatdodgedthesuburbanandcongestedpatchesoftheconstituencywithamazingskill。Shetookpossessionofmeinthatunabashed，straight-mindedwayagirlwillsometimesadoptwithaman，chosemypathorcriticisedmygamewithamotherlysolicitudeformywelfarethatwasabsurdanddelightful。Andwetalked。Wediscussedandcriticisedthestoriesofnovels，scrapsofhistory，pictures，socialquestions，socialism，thepolicyoftheGovernment。
　　Shewasyoungandmostunevenlyinformed，butshewasamazinglysharpandquickandgood。NeverbeforeinmylifehadIknownagirlofherage，orawomanofherquality。Ihadneverdreamttherewassuchtalkintheworld。KinghamsteadbecamealightlessplacewhenshewenttoOxford。Heavenknowshowmuchthatmaynothaveprecipitatedmyabandonmentoftheseat！
　　ShewenttoRidoutCollege，Oxford，andthatcertainlyweighedwithmewhenpresentlyaftermybreachwiththeLiberalsvariouslittleundergraduatesocietiesbegantoaskforlecturesanddiscussions。
　　IfavouredOxford。IdeclaredopenlyIdidsobecauseofher。AtthattimeIthinkweneitherofussuspectedthepossibilityofpassionthatlaylikeacoiledsnakeinthepathbeforeus。Itseemedtousthatwehadthequaintest，mostdelightfulfriendshipintheworld；shewasmypupil，andIwasherguide，philosopher，andfriend。Peoplesmiledindulgently——evenMargaretsmiledindulgently——atourattractionforoneanother。
　　Suchfriendshipsarenotuncommonnowadays——amongeasy-going，liberal-mindedpeople。Forthemostpart，there'snosortofharm，aspeoplesay，inthem。Thetwopersonsconcernedareneversupposedtothinkofthepassionatelovethathoverssoclosetothefriendship，oriftheydo，thentheybanishthethought。Ithinkwekeptthethoughtaspermanentlyinexileasanyonecoulddo。Ifitdidinoddmomentscomeintoourheadswepretendedelaboratelyitwasn'tthere。
　　Onlywewerebothveryeasilyjealousofeachother'sattention，andtremendouslyinsistentuponeachother'spreference。
　　IrememberonceduringtheOxforddaysanintimationthatshouldhavesetmethinking，andIsupposediscreetlydisentanglingmyself。
　　ItwasoneSundayafternoon，anditmusthavebeenaboutMay，forthetreesandshrubsofRidoutCollegeweregaywithblossom，andfreshwiththenewsharpgreensofspring。IhadwalkedtalkingwithIsabelandacoupleofothergirlsthroughthewidegardensoftheplace，seenandcriticisedthenewbrickpond，noddedtothedaughterofthisfriendandthatinthehammocksunderthetrees，andpickedawayamongthescatteredtea-partiesonthelawntoourowncircleonthegrassunderaSiberiancrabnearthegreatbaywindow。ThereIsatandategreatquantitiesofcake，anddiscussedthetacticsoftheSuffragettes。IhadmadesomecommentsuponthespiritofthemovementinanaddresstothemeninPembroke，andithadgotabroad，andagroupofgirlsandwomendonswerenowhavingitoutwithme。
　　Iforgetthedriftoftheconversation，orwhatitwasmadeIsabelinterruptme。Shedidinterruptme。Shebadbeenlyingproneonthegroundatmyrighthand，chinonfists，listeningthoughtfully，andIwassittingbesideoldLadyEversheadonagardenseat。I
　　turnedtoIsabel'svoice，andsawherfaceuplifted，andherdearcheeksandnoseandforeheadallsplashedandbarredwithsunlightandtheshadowsofthetwigsofthetreesbehindme。Andsomething——
　　aninfinitetenderness，stabbedme。Itwasakeenphysicalfeeling，likenothingIhadeverfeltbefore。Ithadaqualityoftearsinit。Forthefirsttimeinmynarrowandconcentratedlifeanotherhumanbeinghadreallythrustintomybeingandgrippedmyveryheart。
　　Oureyesmetperplexedforanextraordinarymoment。ThenIturnedbackandaddressedmyselfalittlestifflytothesubstanceofherintervention。ForsometimeIcouldn'tlookatheragain。
　　FromthattimeforthIknewIlovedIsabelbeyondmeasure。
　　Yetitiscuriousthatitneveroccurredtomeforayearorsothatthiswaslikelytobeamatterofpassionbetweenus。IhavetoldhowdefinitelyIputmyimaginationintoharnessinthosemattersatmymarriage，andIwaslivingnowinaworldofbiginterests，wherethereisneithermuchtimenorinclinationfordeliberatelove-
　　making。Isupposethereisalargeclassofmenwhonevermeetagirlorawomanwithoutthinkingofsex，whomeetafriend'sdaughteranddecide："Mustn'tgetfriendlywithher——wouldn'tDO，"
　　andsetinvisiblebarsbetweenthemselvesandallthewivesintheworld。Perhapsthatisthewaytolive。Perhapsthereisnoothermethodthanthiseffectualannihilationofhalf——andthemostsympatheticandattractivehalf——ofthehumanbeingsintheworld，sofarasanyfrankintercourseisconcerned。Iamquiteconvincedanyhowthatsuchaqualifiedintimacyasours，suchadriftingintothesenseofpossession，suchuntrammeledconversationwithaninvisible，implacablelimitsetjustwheretheintimacyglows，itisnokindoftolerablecompromise。Ifmenandwomenaretogosofartogether，theymustbefreetogoasfarastheymaywanttogo，withoutthevindictivedestructionthathascomeuponus。Onthebasisoftheacceptedcodesthejealouspeopleareright，andtheliberal-mindedonesareplayingwithfire。Ifpeoplearenottolove，thentheymustbekeptapart。Iftheyarenottobekeptapart，thenwemustprepareforanunprecedentedtolerationoflovers。
　　IsabelwasasunforeseeingasItobeginwith，butsexmarchesintothelifeofanintelligentgirlwithdemandsandchallengesfarmoreurgentthanthemerecallofcuriosityandsatiabledesirethatcomestoayoungman。Nowomanyethasdaredtotellthestoryofthatunfolding。Sheattractedmen，andsheencouragedthem，andwatchedthem，andtestedthem，anddismissedthem，andconcealedthesubstanceofherthoughtsabouttheminthewaythatseemsinstinctiveinanatural-mindedgirl。Therewasevenanengagement——
　　amidsttheprotestsanddisapprovalofthecollegeauthorities。I
　　neversawtheman，thoughshegavemealonghistoryoftheaffair，towhichIlistenedwithaforcedandinsinceresympathy。Shestruckmeoddlyastakingtherelationshipforathinginitself，andregardlessofitsconsequences。Afteratimeshebecamesilentabouthim，andthenthrewhimover；andbythattime，Ithink，forallthatshewassomuchmyjunior，sheknewmoreaboutherselfandmethanIwastoknowforseveralyearstocome。
　　Wedidn'tseeeachotherforsomemonthsaftermyresignation，butwekeptupafrequentcorrespondence。Shesaidtwiceoverthatshewantedtotalktome，thatlettersdidn'tconveywhatonewantedtosay，andIwentuptoOxfordprettydefinitelytoseeher——thoughI
　　combineditwithoneortwootherengagements——somewhereinFebruary。Insensiblyshehadbecomeimportantenoughformetomakejourneysforher。
　　Butwedidn'tseeverymuchofoneanotheronthatoccasion。Therewassomethingintheairbetweenusthatmadeafaintembarrassment；
　　themerefact，perhaps，thatshehadaskedmetocomeup。
　　Ayearbeforeshewouldhavedashedoffwithmequiteunscrupulouslytotalkalone，carriedmeofftoherroomforanhourwithaminuteofchaperonagetosatisfytherules。Nowtherewasalwayssomeoneorothernearusthatitseemedimpossibletoexorcise。
　　WewentforawalkontheSundayafternoonwitholdFortescue，K。
　　C。，who'dcomeuptoseehistwodaughters，bothgreatfriendsofIsabel's，andsomemuteingloriousdonwhosenameIforget，butwhowasinastateofmarkedadmirationforher。Thesixofusplayedagameofconversationalentanglementsthroughout，andmostlyIwasimpressingtheFortescuegirlswiththewantofmentalconcentrationpossibleinarisingpolitician。WewentdownCarfex，Iremember，toFollyBridge，andinspectedtheBarges，andthenbackbywayofMertontotheBotanicGardensandMagdalenBridge。AndintheBotanicGardensshegotalmostheronlychancewithme。
　　"LastmonthsatOxford，"shesaid。
　　"Andthen？"Iasked。
　　"I'mcomingtoLondon，"shesaid。
　　"Towrite？"
　　Shewassilentforamoment。Thenshesaidabruptly，withthatquickflushofhersandasuddenboldnessinhereyes："I'mgoingtoworkwithyou。Whyshouldn'tI？"
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　　Here，again，IsupposeIhadafairwarningofthedriftofthings。
　　IseemtoremembermyselfinthetraintoPaddington，sittingwithahandfulofpapers——galleyproofsfortheBLUEWEEKLY，Isuppose——onmylap，andthinkingaboutherandthatlastsentenceofhers，andallthatitmightmeantome。
　　Itisveryhardtorecalleventhemainoutlineofanythingsoelusiveasameditation。Iknowthattheideaofworkingwithhergrippedme，fascinatedme。Thatmyvalueinherlifeseemedgrowingfilledmewithprideandakindofgratitude。Iwasalreadyinnodoubtthathervalueinmylifewastremendous。Itmadeitnonetheless，thatinthosedaysIwasobsessedbytheideathatshewastransitory，andboundtogooutofmylifeagain。Itisnogoodtryingtosettoofineafaceuponthiscomplexbusiness，thereisgoldandclayandsunlightandsavageryineverylovestory，andamultitudeofelvishelementspeepedoutbeneaththefinerichcurtainofaffectionthatmaskedourfuture。I'veneverproperlyweighedhowimmenselymyvanitywasgratifiedbyherclearpreferenceforme。NorcanIforamomentdeterminehowmuchdeliberateintentionIhidefrommyselfinthisaffair。
　　CertainlyIthinksomepartofmemusthavebeensayinginthetrain："Leavegoofher。Getawayfromher。Endthisnow。"I
　　can'thavebeensostupidasnottohavehadthatinmymind……
　　Ifshehadbeenonlyabeautifulgirlinlovewithme，IthinkI
　　couldhavemanagedthesituation。OnceortwicesincemymarriageandbeforeIsabelbecameofanysignificanceinmylife，therehadbeenincidentswithotherpeople，flashesoftemptation——notellingispossibleofthethingresisted。Ithinkthatmerebeautyandpassionwouldnothavetakenme。ButbetweenmyselfandIsabelthingswereincurablycomplicatedbytheintellectualsympathywehad，thejollymarchofourmindstogether。Thathasalwaysmatteredenormously。Ishouldhavewantedhercompanynearlyasbadlyifshehadbeensomecrippledoldlady；wewouldhavehuntedshouldertoshoulder，astwomen。Onlytwomenwouldneverhavehadthepatienceandreadinessforoneanotherwetwohad。IhadneverforyearsmetanyonewithwhomIcouldbesocarelesslysureofunderstandingortowhomIcouldlistensoeasilyandfully。Shegaveme，withanextraordinarycompleteness，thatrare，preciouseffectofalwayssayingsomethingfresh，andyetsayingitsothatitfilledintoandfoldedaboutallthelittlerecessesandcornersofmymindwithaninfinite，softfamiliarity。Itisimpossibletoexplainthat。Itisliketryingtoexplainwhyhervoice，hervoiceheardspeakingtoanyone——heardspeakinginanotherroom——pleasedmyears。
　　ShewastheonlyOxfordwomanwhotookafirstthatyear。ShespentthesummerinScotlandandYorkshire，writingtomecontinuallyofallshenowmeanttodo，andstirringmyimagination。ShecametoLondonfortheautumnsession。ForatimeshestayedwitholdLadyColbeck，butshefelloutwithherhostesswhenitbecameclearshewantedtowrite，notnovels，butjournalism，andthensheseteveryonetalkingbytakingaflatnearVictoriaandinstallingashersoleprotectoranelderlyGermangovernessshehadengagedthroughascholasticagency。Shebeganwriting，notinthatcopiousfloodtheundisciplinedyoungwomanofgiftsisapttoproduce，butinexactlythemannerofanableyoungman，experimentingwithforms，developingthephrasingofopinions，takingadefiniteline。Shewas，ofcourse，tremendouslydiscussed。Shewasdisapprovedof，butshewasinvitedouttodinner。Shegotratherareputationforthemanagementofelderlydistinguishedmen。ItwasanoddexperiencetofollowMargaret'ssoftrustleofsilkintosomebigdrawing-roomanddiscovermysnub-nosedgirlinthebluesacktransformedintoashiningcreatureinthesoftsplendourofpearlsandivory-whiteandlace，andwithasilverbandaboutherduskyhair。
　　Foratimewedidnotmeetveryfrequently，thoughalwayssheprofessedanunblushingpreferenceformycompany，andtalkedmyviewsandsoughtmeout。ThenherusefulnessupontheBLUEWEEKLY
　　begantolinkuscloselier。Shewouldcomeuptotheoffice，andsitbythewindow，andtalkovertheproofsofthenextweek'sarticles，goingthroughmyintentionswithakeeninvestigatoryscalpel。Hertalkalwaysputsmeinmindofasteelblade。Herwritingbecamerapidlyverygood；shehadawitandaturnofthephrasethatwasallherown。WeseemedtohaveforgottenthelittleshadowofembarrassmentthathadfallenoverourlastmeetingatOxford。Everythingseemednaturalandeasybetweenusinthosedays；alittleunconventional，butthatmadeitallthebrighter。
　　Wedevelopedsomethinglikeacustomofwalks，aboutonceaweekorso，andlettersandnotesbecamefrequent。Iwon'tpretendthingswerenotkeenlypersonalbetweenus，buttheyhadanairofbeinginnocentlymental。Sheusedtocallme"Master"inourtalks，amonstrousandengagingflattery，andIwasinordinatelyproudtohaveherasmypupil。Whowouldn'thavebeen？Andwewentonatthatdistanceforalongtime——untilwithinayearoftheHanditchelection。
　　AfterLadyColbeckthrewherupasaltogethertoo"intellectual"forcomfortablecontrol，IsabelwastakenupbytheBalfesinalessformalandcompromisingmanner，andweek-endedwiththemandtheircousinLeonoraSparling，andspentlargeportionsofhersummerwiththeminHerefordshire。Therewasaloverorsointhattime，menwhocamealittletimidlyatthisbrilliantyoungpersonwiththefrankmannerandtheAmazonianmind，and，shedeclared，receivedherkindlyrefusalswithmanifestrelief。AndArnoldShoesmithstruckupasortoffriendshipthatoddlyimitatedmine。Shetookalikingtohimbecausehewasclumsyandshyandinexpressive；sheembarkeduponthedangerousinterestofhelpinghimtofindhissoul。Ihadsometwingesofjealousyaboutthat。Ididn'tseethenecessityofhim。Heinvadedhertime，andIthoughtthatmightinterferewithherwork。IftheirfriendshipstolesomehoursfromIsabel'swriting，itdidnotforalongwhileinterferewithourwalksorourtalks，orthecloseintimacywehadtogether。
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　　ThensuddenlyIsabelandIfoundourselvespassionatelyinlove。
　　ThechangecamesoentirelywithoutwarningorintentionthatIfinditimpossiblenowtotelltheorderofitsphases。WhatdisturbedpebblestartedtheavalancheIcannottrace。Perhapsitwassimplythatthebarriersbetweenusandthismaskedaspectoflifehadbeenwearingdownunperceived。
　　AndtherecameachangeinIsabel。Itwaslikesomechangeinthecycleofnature，liketheonsetofspring——asharpbrightness，anuneasiness。Shebecamerestlesswithherwork；littleencounterswithmenbegantohappen，encountersnotquiteinthequalityoftheearlierproposals；andthencameanoddincidentofwhichshetoldme，butsomehow，Ifelt，didn'ttellmecompletely。Shetoldmeallshewasabletotellme。ShehadbeenatadanceattheRopers'，andaman，ratherwellknowninLondon，hadkissedher。Thethingamazedherbeyondmeasure。Itwasthesortofthingimmediatelypossiblebetweenanymanandanywoman，thatoneneverexpectstohappenuntilithappens。Ithadthesurprisingeffectofajudgegenerallyknowntobebaldsuddenlywhippingoffhiswigincourt。
　　Noabsolutelyunexpectedrevelationcouldhavequitethesamequalityofshock。Shewentthroughthewholethingtomewitharemarkabledetachment，toldmehowshehadfelt——andtheoddthingsitseemedtoopentoher。
　　"IWANTtobekissed，andallthatsortofthing，"sheavowed。"I
　　supposeeverywomandoes。"
　　Sheaddedafterapause："AndIdon'twantanyonetodoit。"
　　Thisstruckmeasqueerlyexpressiveofthewoman'sattitudetothesethings。"Someonepresentlywill——solvethat，"Isaid。
　　"Someonewillperhaps。"
　　Iwassilent。
　　"Someonewill，"shesaid，almostviciously。"Andthenwe'llhavetostopthesewalksandtalksofours，dearMaster……I'llbesorrytogivethemup。"
　　"It'spartoftherequirementsofthesituation，"Isaid，"thatheshouldbe——oh，veryinteresting！He'llstart，nodoubt，allsortsofnewtopics，andopennoendofattractivevistas……Youcan't，youknow，alwaysgoaboutinastateofpupillage。"
　　"Idon'tthinkIcan，"saidIsabel。"Butit'sonlyjustrecentlyI'vebeguntodoubtaboutit。"
　　Irememberthesethingsbeingsaid，butjusthowmuchwesawandunderstood，andjusthowfarwewerereallykeepingopaquetoeachotherthen，Icannotremember。ButitmusthavebeenquitesoonafterthisthatwespentnearlyawholedaytogetheratKewGardens，withthecurtainsupandthebarriersdown，andthethingthathadhappenedplainbeforeoureyes。Idon'trememberweevermadeanydeclaration。Wejustassumedthenewfooting……
　　Itwasadayearlyinthatyear——IthinkinJanuary，becausetherewasthin，crispsnowonthegrass，andwenotedthatonlytwootherpeoplehadbeentothePagodathatday。I'veacuriousimpressionofgreenishcolour，hot，moistairandhugepalmfrondsaboutverymuchofourtalk，asthoughwewerenearlyallthetimeintheTropicalHouse。ButIalsorememberveryvividlylookingatcertainorangeandredspray-likeflowersfromPatagonia，whichcouldnothavebeenthere。ItisacuriousthingthatIdonotrememberwemadeanyprofessionofpassionateloveforoneanother；wetalkedasthoughthefactofourintenseloveforeachotherhadalwaysbeenpatentbetweenus。Therewassolongandfrankanintimacybetweenusthatwetalkedfarmorelikebrotherandsisterorhusbandandwifethantwopeopleengagedinthewarofthesexes。Wewantedtoknowwhatweweregoingtodo，andwhateverwedidwemeanttodointhemostperfectconcert。Webothfeltanextraordinaryaccessionoffriendshipandtendernessthen，and，whatagainiscurious，verylittlepassion。Buttherewasalso，inspiteoftheperplexitieswefaced，animmensesatisfactionaboutthatday。Itwasasifwehadtakenoffsomethingthathadhinderedourviewofeachother，likepeoplewhounvizardtotalkmoreeasilyatamaskedball。
　　I'vehadsincetoviewourrelationsfromthestandpointoftheordinaryobserver。Ifindthatvisioninthemostpreposterouscontrastwithallthatreallywentonbetweenus。IsupposethereI
　　shouldfigureasawickedseducer，whileanunprotectedgirlsuccumbedtomyfascinations。Asamatteroffact，itdidn'toccurtousthattherewasanypersonalinequalitybetweenus。Iknewherformyequalmentally；insomanythingsshewasbeyondcomparisonclevererthanI；hercourageoutwentmine。Thequickleapofhermindevokedaflashofjoyinmineliketheresponseofaninductionwire；herwayofthinkingwaslikewatchingsunlightreflectedfromlittlewavesuponthesideofaboat，itwassobright，somobile，sovariouslyandeasilytruetoitslaw。Inthebackofourmindswebothhadaverydefinitebeliefthatmakingloveisfullofjoyous，splendid，tender，andexcitingpossibilities，andwehadtodiscusswhyweshouldn'tbetothelastdegreelovers。
　　Now，whatIshouldliketoprinthere，ifitwerepossible，inallthescreamingemphasisofredink，isthis：thatthecircumstancesofmyupbringingandthecircumstancesofIsabel'supbringinghadleftnotashadowofbelieforfeelingthattheutmostpassionatelovebetweenuswasinitselfintrinsicallyWRONG。I'vetoldwiththefullestparticularityjustallthatIwastaughtorfoundoutformyselfinthesematters，andIsabel'sreadingandthinking，andthefiercesilencesofhergovernessesandthebreathlesswarningsofteachers，andallthesocialandreligiousinfluencesthathadbeenbroughttobearuponher，hadworkedouttothesamevoidofconviction。Thecodehadfailedwithusaltogether。Wedidn'tforamomentconsideranythingbuttheexpediencyofwhatweboth，forallourquietfacesandsteadyeyes，wantedmostpassionatelytodo。
　　Well，hereyouhavethestateofmindofwholebrigadesofpeople，andparticularlyofyoungpeople，nowadays。Thecurrentmoralityhasn'tgrippedthem；theydon'treallybelieveinitatall。Theymayrenderitlip-service，butthatisquiteanotherthing。Therearescarcelyanytolerablenovelstojustifyitsprohibitions；itsprohibitionsdo，infact，remainunjustifiedamongsttheseuglysuppressions。Youmay，ifyouchoose，silencetheadmissionofthisinliteratureandcurrentdiscussion；youwillnotpreventitworkingoutinlives。Peoplecomeuptothegreatmomentsofpassioncrudelyunaware，astoundinglyunpreparedasnoreallycivilisedandintelligentlyplannedcommunitywouldletanyonebeunprepared。Theyfindthemselveshedgedaboutwithcustomsthathavenoorganicholduponthem，andmerediscretionsallgenerousspiritsaredisposedtodespise。
　　Considertheinfiniteabsurditiesofit！Multitudesofusaretryingtorunthiscomplexmoderncommunityonabasisof"Hush"
　　withoutexplainingtoourchildrenordiscussingwiththemanythingaboutloveandmarriageatall。Doubtandknowledgecreepaboutinenforceddarknessesandsilences。Wearelivinguponanancienttraditionwhicheverybodydoubtsandnobodyhaseveranalysed。Weaffectatremendousandcultivatedshynessanddelicacyaboutimperativesofthemostarbitraryappearance。Whatensues？Whatdidensuewithus，forexample？Ontheonehandwasagreatdesire，robbedofanyappearanceofshameandgrossnessbythepoweroflove，andontheotherhand，thepossiblejealousyofsoandso，thedisapprovalofsoandso，materialrisksanddangers。Itisonlyintheretrospectthatwehavebeenabletograspsomethingoftheeffectualcaseagainstus。Thesocialprohibitionlitbytheintenseglowofourpassion，presenteditselfaspreposterous，irrational，arbitrary，andugly，amonsterfitonlyformockery。Wemightberuined！Well，thereisaphaseineveryloveaffair，asortofheroichysteria，whendeathandruinareagreeableadditionstotheprospect。Itgivesthebusinessagravity，asolemnity。
　　Timidpeoplemayhesitateanddrawbackwithavagueinstinctiveterroroftheimmensityoftheoppositionstheychallenge，butneitherIsabelnorIaretimidpeople。
　　Weweighedwhatwasagainstus。Wedecidedjustexactlyasscoresofthousandsofpeoplehavedecidedinthisverymatter，thatifitwerepossibletokeepthisthingtoourselves，therewasnothingagainstit。Andsowetookourfirststep。Withthehungerofloveinus，itwaseasytoconcludewemightbelovers，andstillkeepeverythingtoourselves。Thatclearedourmindsoftheonepersistentobstaclethatmatteredtous——thehauntingpresenceofMargaret。
　　Andthenwefound，asallthosescoresofthousandsofpeoplescatteredaboutushavefound，thatwecouldnotkeepittoourselves。Lovewillout。Alltherestofthisstoryisthechronicleofthat。Lovewithsustainedsecrecycannotbelove。Itisjustexactlythepointpeopledonotunderstand。
　　5
　　Butbeforethingscametothatpass，somemonthsandmanyphasesandasuddenjourneytoAmericaintervened。
　　"Thisthingspellsdisaster，"Isaid。"YouaretoobigandIamtoobigtoattemptthissecrecy。Thinkoftheintolerablepossibilityofbeingfoundout！Atanycostwehavetostop——evenatthecostofparting。"
　　"Justbecausewemaybefoundout！"
　　"Justbecausewemaybefoundout。"
　　"Master，Ishouldn'tintheleastmindbeingfoundoutwithyou。
　　I'mafraid——I'dbeproud。"
　　"Waittillithappens。"
　　Therefollowedastruggleofimmenseinsinceritybetweenus。Itishardtotellwhourgedandwhoresisted。
　　ShecametomeonenighttotheeditorialroomoftheBLUEWEEKLY，andarguedandkissedmewithwetsaltlips，andweptinmyarms；
　　shetoldmethatnowpassionatelongingformeandmyintimatelifepossessedher，sothatshecouldnotwork，couldnotthink，couldnotendureotherpeoplefortheloveofme……
　　Ifledabsurdly。ThatisthesecretofthefutilejourneytoAmericathatpuzzledallmyfriends。
　　IranawayfromIsabel。Itookholdofthesituationwithallmystrength，putinBrittenwithsketchy，hastyinstructionstoeditthepaper，andstartedheadlongandwithluggage，fromwhich，amongotherthings，myshavingthingswereomitted，uponatourroundtheworld。
　　Preposterousflightthatwas！IrememberasathingalmostfarcicalmyexplanationstoMargaret，andhowfranticallyanxiousIwastopreventtheremotepossibilityofhercomingwithme，andhowI
　　crossedintheTUSCAN，abad，wetboat，andmixedseasicknesswithungovernablesorrow。Iwept——tears。Itwasinexpressiblyqueerandridiculous——and，goodGod！howIhatedmyfellow-passengers！
　　NewYorkinflamedandexcitedmeforatime，andwhenthingsslackened，IwhirledwestwardtoChicago——eatinganddrinking，I
　　remember，inthetrainfromshoalsoflittledishes，withasortofdesperatevoracity。Ididthequeerestthingstodistractmyself——
　　nonovelistwoulddaretoinventmymentalandemotionalmuddle。
　　Chicagoalsoheldmeatfirst，amazinglapsefromcivilisationthattheplaceis！andthenabruptly，withhostsexpectingme，andeverythingsettledforsomedaysinDenver，Ifoundmyselfattheendofmyrenunciations，andturnedandcamebackheadlongtoLondon。
　　Letmeconfessitwasn'tanysenseofperfectandincurabletrustandconfidencethatbroughtmeback，oranyideathatnowIhadstrengthtorefrain。Itwasasuddenrealisationthatafteralltheseparationmightsucceed；somecarelessphrasinginoneofherjealouslyreadletterssetthatideagoinginmymind——thehauntingperceptionthatImightreturntoLondonandfinditemptyoftheIsabelwhohadpervadedit。Honour，discretion，thecareersofbothofus，becamenothingatthethought。Icouldn'tconceivemyliferesumingtherewithoutIsabel。Icouldn't，inshort，standit。
　　Idon'tevenexcusemyreturn。Itisinexcusable。Ioughttohavekeptuponmywaywestward——andheldout。Icouldn't。IwantedIsabel，andIwantedhersobadlynowthateverythingelseintheworldwasphantom-likeuntilthatwantwassatisfied。Perhapsyouhaveneverwantedanythinglikethat。Iwentstraighttoher。
　　ButhereIcometountellablethings。Thereisnodescribingtherealityoflove。Theshapesofthingsarenothing，theactualhappeningsarenothing，exceptthatsomehowtherefallsalightuponthemandawonder。Ofhowwemet，andthethrilloftheadventure，thecuriousbrightsenseofdefiance，thejoyofhavingdared，I
　　can'ttell——Icanbuthintofjustoneaspect，ofwhatanamazingLARK——it'stheonlyword——itseemedtous。Thebeautywhichwastheessenceofit，whichjustifiesitsofarasitwillbearjustification，eludesstatement。
　　Whatcanarecordofcontrivedmeetings，ofsunderingdifficultiesevadedandovercome，signifyhere？Orwhatcanitconveytosaythatonelookeddeepintotwodear，steadfasteyes，orfeltaheartthrobandbeat，orgrippedsofthairsoftlyinatremblinghand？
　　Robbedofencompassinglove，thesethingsareofnomorevaluethanthetasteofgoodwineorthesightofgoodpictures，orthehearingofmusic，——justsensualityandnomore。Noonecantelllove——wecanonlytellthegrossfactsofloveanditsconsequences。Givenlove——givenmutuality，andonehaseffectedasupremesynthesisandcometoanewleveloflife——butonlythosewhoknowcanknow。ThisbusinesshasbroughtmemorebitternessandsorrowthanIhadeverexpectedtobear，butevennowIwillnotsaythatIregretthatwilfulhome-comingaltogether。Weloved——totheuttermost。Neitherofuscouldhavelovedanyoneelseaswedidanddoloveoneanother。Itwasours，thatbeauty；itexistedonlybetweenuswhenwewereclosetogether，fornooneintheworldevertoknowsaveourselves。
　　Myreturntotheofficesticksoutinmymemorywithanextremevividness，becauseofthewildeagleofpridethatscreamedwithinme。ItwasTuesdaymorning，andthoughnotasoulinLondonknewofityetexceptIsabel，IhadbeenbackinEnglandaweek。IcameinuponBrittenandstoodinthedoorway。
　　"GOD！"hesaidatthesightofme。
　　"I'mback，"Isaid。
　　Helookedatmyexcitedfacewiththosered-browneyesofhis。
　　SilentlyIdefiedhimtospeakhismind。
　　"Wheredidyouturnback？"hesaidatlast。
　　6
　　Ihadtotellwhatwere，sofarasIcanremembermyfirstpositiveliestoMargaretinexplainingthatreturn。IhadwrittentoherfromChicagoandagainfromNewYork，sayingthatIfeltIoughttobeonthespotinEnglandforthenewsession，andthatIwascomingback——presently。Iconcealedthenameofmyboatfromher，andmadeacalculatedprevaricationwhenIannouncedmypresenceinLondon。
　　ItelephonedbeforeIwentbackformyroomstobeprepared。Shewas，Iknew，withtheBuntingHarblowsinDurham，andwhenshecamebacktoRadnorSquareIhadbeenathomeaday。
　　Irememberherreturnsowell。
　　Mygoingawayandthevividsecretofthepresenthadwipedoutfrommymindmuchofourlongestrangement。Something，too，hadchangedinher。Ihadhadsomehintofitinherletters，butnowIsawitplainly。IcameoutofmystudyuponthelandingwhenIheardtheturmoilofherarrivalbelow，andshecameupstairswithaquickenedgladness。ItwasacoldMarch，andshewasdressedinunfamiliardarkfursthatsuitedherextremelyandreinforcedthedelicateflushofhersweetface。Sheheldoutbothherhandstome，anddrewmetoherunhesitatinglyandkissedme。
　　"Sogladyouareback，dear，"shesaid。"Oh！soverygladyouareback。"
　　Ireturnedherkisswithaqueerfeelingatmyheart，tooundifferentiatedtobeevenadefinitesenseofguiltormeanness。
　　Ithinkitwaschieflyamazement——attheuniverse——atmyself。
　　"Ineverknewwhatitwastobeawayfromyou，"shesaid。
　　Iperceivedsuddenlythatshehadresolvedtoendourestrangement。
　　Sheputherselfsothatmyarmcamecaressinglyabouther。
　　"Thesearejollyfurs，"Isaid。
　　"Igotthemforyou。"
　　Theparlourmaidappearedbelowdealingwiththemaidandtheluggagecab。
　　"TellmeallaboutAmerica，"saidMargaret。"Ifeelasthoughyou'dbeenawaysixyear's。"
　　Wewentarminarmintoourlittlesitting-room，andItookoffthefur'sforherandsatdownuponthechintz-coveredsofabythefire。
　　Shehadorderedtea，andcameandsatbyme。Idon'tknowwhatI
　　hadexpected，butofallthingsIhadcertainlynotexpectedthissuddenabolitionofourdistances。
　　"IwanttoknowallaboutAmerica，"sherepeated，withhereyesscrutinisingme。"Whydidyoucomeback？"
　　Irepeatedthesubstanceofmylettersratherlamely，andshesatlistening。
　　"Butwhydidyouturnback——withoutgoingtoDenver？"
　　"Iwantedtocomeback。Iwasrestless。"
　　"Restlessness，"shesaid，andthought。"YouwererestlessinVenice。YousaiditwasrestlessnesstookyoutoAmerica。"
　　Againshestudiedme。Sheturnedalittleawkwardlytoherteathings，andpouredneedlesswaterfromthesilverkettleintotheteapot。Thenshesatstillforsomemomentslookingattheequipagewithexpressionlesseyes。Isawherhandupontheedgeofthetabletrembleslightly。Iwatchedherclosely。Avagueuneasinesspossessedme。Whatmightshenotknoworguess？
　　Shespokeatlastwithaneffort。"IwishyouwereinParliamentagain，"shesaid。"Lifedoesn'tgiveyoueventsenough。"
　　"IfIwasinParliamentagain，IshouldbeontheConservativeside。"
　　"Iknow，"shesaid，andwasstillmorethoughtful。
　　"Lately，"shebegan，andpaused。"LatelyI'vebeenreading——you。"
　　Ididn'thelpheroutwithwhatshehadtosay。Iwaited。
　　"Ididn'tunderstandwhatyouwereafter。Ihadmisjudged。I
　　didn'tknow。IthinkperhapsIwasratherstupid。"Hereyesweresuddenlyshiningwithtears。"Youdidn'tgivememuchchancetounderstand。"
　　Sheturneduponmesuddenlywithavoicefulloftears。
　　"Husband，"shesaidabruptly，holdinghertwohandsouttome，"I
　　wanttobeginoveragain！"
　　Itookherhands，perplexedbeyondmeasure。"Mydear！"Isaid。
　　"Iwanttobeginoveragain。"
　　Ibowedmyheadtohidemyface，andfoundherhandinmineandkissedit。
　　"Ah！"shesaid，andslowlywithdrewherhand。Sheleantforwardwithherarmonthesofa-back，andlookedveryintentlyintomyface。IfeltthemostdamnablescoundrelintheworldasIreturnedhergaze。ThethoughtofIsabel'sdarklyshiningeyesseemedlikeaphysicalpresencebetweenus……
　　"Tellme，"Isaidpresently，tobreaktheintolerabletension，"tellmeplainlywhatyoumeanbythis。"
　　Isatalittleawayfromher，andthentookmyteacupinhand，withanoddeffectofdefendingmyself。"Haveyoubeenreadingthatoldbookofmine？"Iasked。
　　"Thatandthepaper。ItookacompletesetfromthebeginningdowntoDurhamwithme。Ihavereaditover，thoughtitover。Ididn'tunderstand——whatyouwereteaching。"
　　Therewasalittlepause。
　　"Itallseemssoplaintomenow，"shesaid，"andsotrue。"
　　Iwasprofoundlydisconcerted。Iputdownmyteacup，stoodupinthemiddleofthehearthrug，andbegantalking。"I'mtremendouslyglad，Margaret，thatyou'vecometoseeI'mnotaltogetherperverse，"Ibegan。Ilaunchedoutintoarathertriteandwindyexpositionofmyviews，andshesatclosetomeonthesofa，lookingupintomyface，hangingonmywords，adeliberateandinvincibleconvert。
　　"Yes，"shesaid，"yes。"……
　　Ihadneverdoubtedmynewconceptionsbefore；nowIdoubtedthemprofoundly。ButIwentontalking。It'sthegrimironyinthelivesofallpoliticians，writers，publicteachers，thatoncetheaudienceisattheirfeet，anewloyaltyhasgrippedthem。Itisn'ttheirbusinesstoadmitdoubtandimperfections。Theyhavetogoontalking。AndIwasnowsoaccustomedtoIsabel'svividinterruptions，qualifications，restatements，andconfirmations……
　　MargaretandIdinedtogetherathome。Shemademeopenoutmypoliticalprojectstoher。"Ihavebeenfoolish，"shesaid。"I
　　wanttohelp。"
　　AndbysomeexcuseIhaveforgottenshemademecometoherroom。I
　　thinkitwassomebookIhadtotakeher，someAmericanbookIhadbroughtbackwithme，andmentionedinourtalk。Iwalkedinwithit，andputitdownonthetableandturnedtogo。
　　"Husband！"shecried，andheldoutherslenderarmstome。Iwascompelledtogotoherandkissher，andshetwinedthemsoftlyaboutmyneckanddrewmetoherandkissedme。Idisentangledthemverygently，andtookeachwristandkissedit，andthebacksofherhands。
　　"Good-night，"Isaid。Therecamealittlepause。"Good-night，Margaret，"Irepeated，andwalkedverydeliberatelyandwithakindofshampreoccupationtothedoor。
　　Ididnotlookather，butIcouldfeelherstanding，watchingme。
　　IfIhadlookedup，shewould，Iknew，haveheldoutherarmstome……
　　Attheveryoutsetthatsecret，whichwastotouchnoonebutIsabelandmyself，hadreachedouttostabanotherhumanbeing。
　　7
　　ThewholeworldhadchangedforIsabelandme；andwetriedtopretendthatnothinghadchangedexceptasmallmatterbetweenus。
　　Webelievedquitehonestlyatthattimethatitwaspossibletokeepthisthingthathadhappenedfromanyreactionatall，saveperhapsthroughsomemagicallyenhancedvigourinourwork，upontheworldaboutus！Seeninretrospect，onecanrealisetheabsurdityofthisbelief；withinaweekIrealisedit；butthatdoesnotalterthefactthatwedidbelieveasmuch，andthatpeoplewhoaredeeplyinloveandunabletomarrywillcontinuetobelievesototheveryendoftime。Theywillcontinuetobelieveoutofexistenceeveryconsiderationthatseparatesthemuntiltheyhavecometogether。
　　Thentheywillcountthecost，aswetwohadtodo。
　　Iamtellingastory，andnotpropoundingtheoriesinthisbook；andchieflyIamtellingoftheideasandinfluencesandemotionsthathavehappenedtome——measasortofsoundingboardformyworld。
　　Themoralistisatlibertytogoovermyconductwithhismeasureandsay，"Atthispointoratthatyouwentwrong，andyououghttohavedone"——so-and-so。Thepointofinteresttothestatesmanisthatitdidn'tforamomentoccurtoustodoso-and-sowhenthetimefordoingitcame。Itamazesmenowtothinkhowlittleeitherofustroubledabouttheestablishedrightsorwrongsofthesituation。Wehadn'tanatomofrespectforthem，innateoracquired。Theguardiansofpublicmoralswillsaywewereverybadpeople；Isubmitindefencethattheyareverybadguardians——
　　provocativeguardians……Andwhenatlasttherecameaclaimagainstusthathadaneffectivevalidityforus，wewereinthefulltideofpassionateintimacy。
　　IhadanightofnearlysleeplessperplexityafterMargaret'sreturn。Shehadsuddenlypresentedherselftomelikesomethingdramaticallyrecalled，fine，generous，infinitelycapableoffeeling。IwasamazedhowmuchIhadforgottenher。InmycontemptforvulgarisedandconventionalisedhonourIhadforgottenthatformetherewassucharealityashonour。Andhereitwas，warmandneartome，living，breathing，unsuspecting。Margaret'spridewasmyhonour，thatIhadhadnorighteventoimperil。
　　IdonotnowrememberifIthoughtatthattimeofgoingtoIsabelandputtingthisnewaspectofthecasebeforeher。PerhapsIdid。
　　PerhapsImayhaveconsideredeventhenthepossibilityofendingwhathadsofreshlyandpassionatelybegun。IfIdid，itvanishednextdayatthesightofher。Whateverregretscameinthedarkness，thedaylightbroughtanobstinateconfidenceinourresolutionagain。Wewould，wedeclared，"pullthethingoff。"
　　Margaretmustnotknow。Margaretshouldnotknow。IfMargaretdidnotknow，thennoharmwhateverwouldbedone。Wetriedtosustainthat……
　　Forabrieftimewehadbeenliketwopeopleinamagiccell，magicallycutofffromtheworldandfullofalightofitsown，andthenwebegantorealisethatwewerenotintheleastcutoff，thattheworldwasallaboutusandpressinginuponus，limitingus，threateningus，resumingpossessionofus。ItriedtoignoretheinjurytoMargaretofherunreciprocatedadvances。Itriedtomaintaintomyselfthatthishiddenlovemadenodifferencetothenowirreparablebreachbetweenhusbandandwife。ButIneverspokeofittoIsabelorletherseethataspectofourcase。HowcouldI？Thetimeforthathadgone……
　　Theninnewshapesandrelationscametrouble。Distressfulelementscreptinbyreasonofourunavoidablefurtiveness；weignoredthem，hidthemfromeachother，andattemptedtohidethemfromourselves。
　　Successfulloveisathingofaboundingpride，andwehadtobesecret。Itwasdelightfulatfirsttobesecret，awhispering，warmconspiracy；thenpresentlyitbecameirksomeandalittleshameful。
　　Heressentialfranknessofsoulwasallagainstthemasksandfalsehoodsthatmanywomenwouldhaveenjoyed。Togetherinoursecrecywerelaxed，theninthepresenceofotherpeopleagainitwastiresometohavetowatchforthecareless，tooeasyphrase，tosnatchbackone'shandfromthelimitlessbetrayalofalight，familiartouch。
　　Lovebecomesapoorthing，atbestapoorbeautifulthing，ifitdevelopsnocontinuingandhabitualintimacy。Wewerealwaysmeeting，andmostgloriouslylovingandbeginning——andthenwehadtosnatchatremorselesstickingwatches，hurrytocatchtrains，andgobacktothisorthat。Thatisallverywellfortheintriguesofidlepeopleperhaps，butnotforanintensepersonalrelationship。
　　Itislikelightingacandleforthesakeoflightingit，overandoveragain，andeachtimeblowingitout。That，nodoubt，mustbeveryamusingtochildrenplayingwiththematches，butnottopeoplewholovewarmlight，andwantitinordertodofineandhonourablethingstogether。Wehadachieved——Igivetheuglyphrasethatexpressestheincreasingdiscolourationinmymind——"illicitintercourse。"Toendatthat，wenowperceived，wasn'tinourstyle。Butwherewerewetoend？……
　　Perhapswemightatthisstagehavegivenitup。Ithinkifwecouldhaveseenaheadandarounduswemighthavedoneso。Buttheglowofourcellblindedus……Iwonderwhatmighthavehappenedifatthattimewehadgivenitup……Wepropoundedit，wemetagaininsecrettodiscussit，andouroverpoweringpassionforoneanotherreducedthatmeetingtoabsurdity……
　　Presentlytheideaofchildrencreptbetweenus。Itcameinfromallourconceptionsoflifeandpublicservice；itwas，wefound，inthequalityofourmindsthatphysicallovewithoutchildrenisalittleweak，timorous，morethanalittleshameful。Withimaginativepeoplethereveryspeedilycomesatimewhenthatrealisationisinevitable。Wehadn'tthoughtofthatbefore——itisn'tnaturaltothinkofthatbefore。Wehadn'tknown。ThereisnoliteratureinEnglishdealingwithsuchthings。
　　Thereisanecessarysequenceofphasesinlove。Thesecameintheirorder，andwiththem，unanticipatedtarnishingsonthefirstbrightperfectionofourrelations。Foratimethesedevelopingphaseswerenomorethanasecretandprivatetroublebetweenus，littleshadowsspreadingbyimperceptibledegreesacrossthatvividandluminouscell。
　　8
　　TheHanditchelectionflungmesuddenlyintoprominence。
　　Itisstillonlytwoyearssincethatstruggle，andIwillnottroublethereaderwithadetailedhistoryofeventsthatmustbequitesufficientlypresentinhismindformypurposealready。HugestacksofjournalismhavedealtwithHanditchanditssignificance。
　　Forthereaderveryprobably，asformostpeopleoutsideacomparativelysmallcircle，itmeantmyemergencefromobscurity。
　　Weobtrudednoeditor'snameintheBLUEWEEKLY；IhadneverasyetbeenontheLondonhoardings。BeforeHanditchIwasajournalistandwriterofnogreatpublicstanding；afterHanditch，Iwasdefinitelyaperson，inthelittlegroupofpersonswhostoodfortheYoungImperialistmovement。Handitchwas，toaverylargeextent，myaffair。Irealisedthen，asamancomestodo，howmuchonecanstillgrowaftersevenandtwenty。InthesecondelectionI
　　wasamantakingholdofthings；atKinghamsteadIhadbeensimplyayoungcandidate，apartyunit，ledabouttheconstituency，toldtodothisandthat，andfinallywashedinbythegreatAnti-
　　Imperialistflood，likeastarfishrollingupabeach。
　　Myfeministviewshadearntthemistrustoftheparty，andIdonotthinkIshouldhavegotthechanceofHanditchorindeedanychanceatallofParliamentforalongtime，ifithadnotbeenthattheseatwithitslongrecordofLiberalvictoriesanditsLiberalmajorityof3642atthelastelection，offeredahopelesscontest。
　　TheLiberaldissensionsandthebelatedbutbynomeanscontemptibleSocialistcandidatewereprovidentialinterpositions。Ithink，however，theconductofGane，Crupp，andTarvrilleincomingdowntofightforme，didcounttremendouslyinmyfavour。"Wearen'tgoingtowin，perhaps，"saidCrupp，"butwearegoingtotalk。"Anduntiltheveryeveofvictory，wetreatedHanditchnotsomuchasabattlefieldasahoarding。AndsoitwastheEndowmentofMotherhoodasapracticalformofEugenicsgotintoEnglishpolitics。
　　Plutus，ouragent，wasscaredoutofhiswitswhenthethingbegan。
　　"They'reascribingallsortsofqueerideastoyouabouttheFamily，"hesaid。
　　"IthinktheFamilyexistsforthegoodofthechildren，"Isaid；
　　"isthatqueer？"
　　"Notwhenyouexplainit——buttheywon'tletyouexplainit。Andaboutmarriage——？"
　　"I'mallrightaboutmarriage——trustme。"
　　"Ofcourse，ifYOUhadchildren，"saidPlutus，ratherinconsiderately……
　　TheyopenedfireuponmeinalittleelectioneeringragcalltheHANDITCHSENTINEL，withastringofgarbledquotationsandmisrepresentationsthatgavemeanadmirabletextforaspeech。I
　　spokeforanhourandtenminuteswithamoreandmorecrumpledcopyoftheSENTINELinmyhand，andImadethefullestandcompletestexpositionoftheideaofendowingmotherhoodthatIthinkhadeverbeenmadeuptothattimeinEngland。Itseffectonthepresswasextraordinary。TheLiberalpapersgavemequiteunprecedentedspaceundertheimpressionthatIhadonlytobegivenropetohangmyself；theConservativescutmedownortriedtojustifyme；thewholecountrywastalking。Ihadhadapamphletintypeuponthesubject，andIrevisedthiscarefullyandputitonthebook-stallswithinthreedays。Itsoldenormouslyandbroughtmebushelsofletters。WeissuedoverthreethousandinHanditchalone。AtmeetingaftermeetingIwasheckleduponnothingelse。LongbeforepollingdayPlutuswasconverted。
　　"It'scatchingonlikeoldagepensions，"hesaid。"We'vedishedtheLiberals！Tothinkthatsuchaprojectshouldcomefromourside！"
　　Butitwasonlywiththedeclarationofthepollthatmybattlewaswon。Nooneexpectedmorethanasnatchvictory，andIwasinbyoverfifteenhundred。AtoneboundCossington'spaperspassedfromapologeticsvariedbyrepudiationtotriumphantpraise。"A
　　renascentEngland，breedingmen，"saidtheleaderinhischiefdailyonthemorningafterthepolling，andclaimedthattheConservativeshadbeeneverthepioneersinsanelyboldconstructiveprojects。
　　IcameuptoLondonwithawearybutrejoicingMargaretbythenighttrain。
　　CHAPTERTHESECOND
　　THEIMPOSSIBLEPOSITION
　　1
　　ToanyonewhodidnotknowofthatglowingsecretbetweenIsabelandmyself，Imightwellhaveappearedatthattimethemostsuccessfulandenviableofmen。Ihadrecoveredrapidlyfromanuncongenialstartinpoliticallife；IhadbecomeaconsiderableforcethroughtheBLUEWEEKLY，andwasshapinganincreasinglyinfluentialbodyofopinion；Ihadre-enteredParliamentwithquitedramaticdistinction，andinspiteofacertainfalteringonthepartoftheorthodoxConservativestowardsthebolderelementsinourpropaganda，Ihadloyalandunenviousassociateswhoweremakingmeapowerintheparty。Peoplewerecomingtoourgroup，understandingsweredeveloping。Itwasclearweshouldplayaprominentpartinthenextgeneralelection，andthat，givenaConservativevictory，Ishouldbeassuredofoffice。Theworldopenedouttomebrightlyandinvitingly。Greatschemestookshapeinmymind，alwaysmoreconcrete，alwaysmorepracticable；theyearsaheadseemedfallingintoorder，shiningwiththecrediblepromiseofimmenseachievement。
　　Andattheheartofitall，unseenandunsuspected，wasthesecretofmyrelationswithIsabel——likeaseedthatgerminatesandthrusts，thrustsrelentlessly。
　　FromtheonsetoftheHanditchcontestonward，mymeetingswithherhadbeenmoreandmorepervadedbythediscussionofoursituation。
　　Ithadinnumerableaspects。Itwasverypresenttousthatwewantedtobetogetherasmuchaspossible——wewerebeginningtolongverymuchforactuallivingtogetherinthesamehouse，sothatonecouldcomeasitwerecarelessly——unawares——upontheother，busyperhapsaboutsometrivialthing。Wewantedtofeeleachotherinthedailyatmosphere。Precedingourimperativelysterilepassion，youmustremember，outsideit，altogethergreaterthanitsofarasourindividualliveswereconcerned，therehadgrownandstillgrewanenormousaffectionandintellectualsympathybetweenus。Webroughtallourimpressionsandallourideastoeachother，toseethemineachother'slight。Itishardtoconveythatqualityofintellectualunisontoanyonewhohasnotexperiencedit。I
　　thoughtmoreandmoreintermsofconversationwithIsabel；herpossiblecommentsuponthingswouldflashintomymind，oh！——withtheverysoundofhervoice。
　　Iremember，too，theoddeffectofseeingherinthedistancegoingaboutHanditch，likeanystrangercanvasser；thequeeremotionofherapproachalongthestreet，thegreetingasshepassed。Themorningofthepollingshevanishedfromtheconstituency。IsawherforaninstantinthepassagebehindourCommitteerooms。
　　"Going？"saidI。
　　Shenodded。
　　"Stayitout。Iwantyoutoseethefun。Iremember——theothertime。"
　　Shedidn'tanswerforamomentorso，andstoodwithfaceaverted。
　　"It'sMargaret'sshow，"shesaidabruptly。"IfIseehersmilingtherelikeaqueenbyyourside——！Shedid——lasttime。I
　　remember。"Shecaughtatasobanddashedherhandacrossherfaceimpatiently。"Jealousfool，meanandpetty，jealousfool！……
　　Goodluck，oldman，toyou！You'regoingtowin。ButIdon'twanttoseetheendofitallthesame……"
　　"Good-bye！"saidI，claspingherhandassomesupporterappearedinthepassage……
　　IcamebacktoLondonvictorious，andalittleflushedandcoarsewithvictory；andsosoonasIcouldbreakawayIwenttoIsabel'sflatandfoundherwhiteandworn，withthestainofsecretweepingabouthereyes。Icameintotheroomtoherandshutthedoor。
　　"YousaidI'dwin，"Isaid，andheldoutmyarms。
　　Shehuggedmecloselyforamoment。
　　"Mydear，"Iwhispered，"it'snothing——withoutyou——nothing！"
　　Wedidn'tspeakforsomeseconds。Thensheslippedfrommyhold。
　　"Look！"shesaid，smilinglikewintersunshine。"I'vehadinallthemorningpapers——thepileofthem，andyou——resounding。"
　　"It'smorethanIdaredhope。"
　　"OrI。"
　　Shestoodforamomentstillsmilingbravely，andthenshewassobbinginmyarms。"Thebiggeryouare——themoreyoushow，"shesaid——"themoreweareparted。Iknow，Iknow——"
　　Iheldherclosetome，makingnoanswer。
　　Presentlyshebecamestill。"Oh，well，"shesaid，andwipedhereyesandsatdownonthelittlesofabythefire；andIsatdownbesideher。
　　"Ididn'tknowalltherewasinlove，"shesaid，staringatthecoals，"whenwewentlove-making。"
　　Iputmyarmbehindherandtookahandfulofherdearsofthairinmyhandandkissedit。
　　"You'vedoneagreatthingthistime，"shesaid。"Handitchwillmakeyou。"
　　"Itopensbigchances，"Isaid。"Butwhyareyouweeping，dearone？"
　　"Envy，"shesaid，"andlove。"
　　"You'renotlonely？"
　　"I'veplentytodo——andlotsofpeople。"
　　"Well？"
　　"Iwantyou。"
　　"You'vegotme。"
　　Sheputherarmaboutmeandkissedme。"Iwantyou，"shesaid，"justasifIhadnothingofyou。Youdon'tunderstand——howawomanwantsaman。IthoughtonceifIjustgavemyselftoyouitwouldbeenough。Itwasnothing——itwasjustastepacrossthethreshold。
　　Mydear，everymomentyouareawayIacheforyou——ache！Iwanttobeaboutwhenitisn'tlove-makingortalk。Iwanttobedoingthingsforyou，andwatchingyouwhenyou'renotthinkingofme。
　　Allthosesafe，careless，intimatethings。Andsomethingelse——"
　　Shestopped。"Dear，Idon'twanttobotheryou。IjustwantyoutoknowIloveyou……"
　　Shecaughtmyheadinherhandsandkissedit，thenstoodupabruptly。
　　Ilookedupather，alittleperplexed。
　　"Dearheart，"saidI，"isn'tthisenough？You'remycouncillor，mycolleague，myrighthand，thesecretsoulofmylife——"
　　"AndIwanttodarnyoursocks，"shesaid，smilingbackatme。
　　"You'reinsatiable。"
　　Shesmiled"No，"shesaid。"I'mnotinsatiable，Master。ButI'mawomaninlove。AndI'mfindingoutwhatIwant，andwhatisnecessarytome——andwhatIcan'thave。That'sall。"
　　"Wegetalot。"
　　"Wewantalot。YouandIaregreedypeopleforthethingswelike，Master。It'sveryevidentwe'vegotnearlyallwecaneverhaveofoneanother——andI'mnotsatisfied。"
　　"Whatmoreisthere？
　　"Foryou——verylittle。Iwonder。Forme——everything。Yes——
　　everything。Youdidn'tmeanit，Master；youdidn'tknowanymorethanIdidwhenIbegan，butlovebetweenamanandawomanissometimesveryone-sided。Fearfullyone-sided！That'sall……"
　　"Don'tYOUeverwantchildren？"shesaidabruptly。
　　"IsupposeIdo。"
　　"Youdon't！"
　　"Ihaven'tthoughtofthem。"
　　"Amandoesn't，perhaps。ButIhave……Iwantthem——likehunger。YOURchildren，andhomewithyou。Really，continuallyyou！
　　That'sthetrouble……Ican'thave'em，Master，andIcan'thaveyou。"
　　Shewascrying，andthroughhertearsshelaughed。
　　"I'mgoingtomakeascene，"shesaid，"andgetthisover。I'msodiscontentedandmiserable；I'vegottotellyou。ItwouldcomebetweenusifIdidn't。I'minlovewithyou，witheverything——withallmybrains。I'llpullthroughallright。I'llbegood，Master，neveryoufear。Butto-dayI'mcryingoutwithallmybeing。Thiselection——You'regoingup；you'regoingon。Inthesepapers——you'reagreatbigfact。It'ssuddenlycomehometome。AtthebackofmymindI'vealwayshadtheideaIwasgoingtohaveyousomehowpresentlyformyself——Imeantohaveyoutogolongtrampswith，tokeephousefor，togetmealsfor，towatchforofanevening。It'sasortofhabitualbackgroundtomythoughtofyou。Andit'snonsense——utternonsense！"Shestopped。Shewascryingandchoking。"Andthechild，youknow——thechild！"
　　Iwastroubledbeyondmeasure，butHanditchanditsintimationswereclearandstrong。
　　"Wecan'thavethat，"Isaid。
　　"No，"shesaid，"wecan'thavethat。"
　　"We'vegotourownthingstodo。"
　　"YOURthings，"shesaid。
　　"Aren'ttheyyourstoo？"
　　"Becauseofyou，"shesaid。
　　"Aren'ttheyyourveryownthings？"
　　"Womendon'thavethatsortofveryownthing。Indeed，it'strue！
　　Andthink！You'vebeendowntherepreachingthegoodnessofchildren，tellingthemtheonlygoodthinginastateishappy，hopefulchildren，workingtofreemothersandchildren——"
　　"Andwegiveourownchildrentodoit？"Isaid。
　　"Yes，"shesaid。"AndsometimesIthinkit'stoomuchtogive——toomuchaltogether……Childrengetintoawoman'sbrain——whenshemustn'thavethem，especiallywhenshemustneverhopeforthem。
　　Thinkofthechildwemighthavenow！——thelittlecreaturewithsoft，tenderskin，andlittlehandsandlittlefeet！Attimesithauntsme。Itcomesandsays，Whywasn'tIgivenlife？Icanhearitinthenight……Theworldisfullofsuchlittleghosts，dearlover——littlethingsthataskedforlifeandwererefused。
　　Theyclamourtome。It'slikealittlefistbeatingatmyheart。
　　Lovechildren，beautifulchildren。Littlecoldhandsthattearatmyheart！Oh，myheartandmylord！"Shewasholdingmyarmwithbothherhandsandweepingagainstit，andnowshedrewherselftomyshoulderandweptandsobbedinmyembrace。"Ishallneversitwithyourchildonmykneeandyoubesideme-never，andIamawomanandyourlover！……"