Somedozenyearsago，myfamilybeingabsentinadistantpartofthecountry，andmybusinessdetainingmeinLondon，Iremainedinmyownhousewiththreeservantsonboardwages。Iusedonlytobreakfastathome；andfutureageswillbeinterestedtoknowthatthismealusedtoconsist，atthatperiod，oftea，apennyroll，apatofbutter，and，perhaps，anegg。Myweeklybillusedinvariablytobeaboutfiftyshillings；sothat，asIneverdinedinthehouse，yousee，mybreakfast，consistingofthedelicaciesbeforementioned，costaboutsevenshillingsandthreepenceperdiem。I
　　must，therefore，haveconsumeddaily——
　　s。d。
　　Aquarterofapoundofteasay13
　　Apennyrollsay10
　　Onepoundofbuttersay13
　　Onepoundoflumpsugar10
　　Anew-laidegg29
　　WhichistheonlypossiblewayIhaveformakingoutthesum。
　　Well，Ifellillwhileunderthisregimen，andhadanillnesswhich，butforacertaindoctor，whowasbroughttomebyacertainkindfriendIhadinthosedays，would，Ithink，havepreventedthepossibilityofmytellingthisinterestinganecdotenowadozenyearsafter。Don'tbefrightened，mydearmadam；itisnotahorrid，sentimentalaccountofamaladyyouarecomingto——onlyaquestionofgrocery。Thisillness，Isay，lastedsomeseventeendays，duringwhichtheservantswereadmirablyattentiveandkind；
　　andpoorJohn，especially，wasupatallhours，watchingnightafternight——amiable，cheerful，untiring，respectful，theverybestofJohnsandnurses。
　　TwiceorthriceintheseventeendaysImayhavehadaglassofeausucree——sayadozenglassesofeausucree——certainlynotmore。
　　Well，thisadmirable，watchful，cheerful，tender，affectionateJohnbroughtmeinalittlebillforseventeenpoundsofsugarconsumedduringtheillness——“Often'adsugarandwater；alwayswasacallin'
　　forit，“saysJohn，wagginghisheadquitegravely。Youaredead，yearsandyearsago，poorJohn——sopatient，sofriendly，sokind，socheerfultotheinvalidinthefever。Butconfess，now，whereveryouare，thatseventeenpoundsofsugartomakesixglassesofeausucreewasaLITTLEtoostrong，wasn'tit，John?Ah，howfrankly，howtrustily，howbravelyhelied，poorJohn！Oneevening，beingatBrighton，intheconvalescence，IrememberJohn'sstepwasunsteady，hisvoicethick，hislaughqueer——andhavingsomequininetogiveme，Johnbroughttheglasstome——nottomymouth，butstruckmewithitprettysmartlyintheeye，whichwasnotthewayinwhichDr。Elliotsonhadintendedhisprescriptionshouldbetaken。
　　Turningthateyeuponhim，Iventuredtohintthatmyattendanthadbeendrinking。Drinking！IneverwasmorehumiliatedatthethoughtofmyowninjusticethanatJohn'sreply。“Drinking！Sulpme！Ihavehadonlyonepintofbeerwithmydinneratoneo'clock！“——andheretreats，holdingonbyachair。Thesearefibs，yousee，appertainingtothesituation。Johnisdrunk。“SULPhim，hehasonlyhadan'alf-pintofbeerwithhisdinnersixhoursago；“
　　andnoneofhisfellow-servantswillsayotherwise。Pollyissmuggledonboardship。Whotellsthelieutenantwhenhecomeshisrounds?Boysareplayingcardsinthebedroom。Theoutlyingfagannouncesmastercoming——outgocandles——cardspoppedintobed——boyssoundasleep。Whohadthatlightinthedormitory?Lawblessyou！
　　thepoordearinnocentsareeveryonesnoring。Everyonesnoring，andeverysnoreisalietoldthroughthenose！Supposeoneofyourboysormineisengagedinthatawfulcrime，arewegoingtobreakourheartsaboutit?Come，come。Wepullalongface，waggleagravehead，andchucklewithinourwaistcoats。
　　Betweenmeandthosefellow-creaturesofminewhoaresittingintheroombelow，howstrangeandwonderfulisthepartition！Wemeetateveryhourofthedaylight，andareindebtedtoeachotherforahundredofficesofdutyandcomfortoflife；andwelivetogetherforyears，anddon'tknoweachother。John'svoicetomeisquitedifferentfromJohn'svoicewhenitaddresseshismatesbelow。IfI
　　metHannahinthestreetwithabonneton，IdoubtwhetherIshouldknowher。AndallthesegoodpeoplewithwhomImayliveforyearsandyears，havecares，interests，dearfriendsandrelatives，mayhapschemes，passions，longinghopes，tragediesoftheirown，fromwhichacarpetandafewplanksandbeamsutterlyseparateme。Whenwewereattheseaside，andpoorEllenusedtolooksopale，andrunafterthepostman'sbell，andseizealetterinagreatscrawlinghand，andreadit，andcryinacorner，howshouldweknowthatthepoorlittlething'sheartwasbreaking?Shefetchedthewater，andshesmoothedtheribbons，andshelaidoutthedresses，andbroughttheearlycupofteainthemorning，justasifshehadhadnocarestokeepherawake。Henrywholivedoutofthehousewastheservantofafriendofminewholivedinchambers。Therewasadinneroneday，andHarrywaitedallthroughthedinner。Thechampagnewasproperlyiced，thedinnerwasexcellentlyserved；
　　everyguestwasattendedto；thedinnerdisappeared；thedessertwasset；theclaretwasinperfectorder，carefullydecanted，andmoreready。AndthenHenrysaid，“Ifyouplease，sir，mayIgohome?“
　　Hehadreceivedwordthathishousewasonfire；and，havingseenthroughhisdinner，hewishedtogoandlookafterhischildren，andlittlesticksoffurniture。Why，suchaman'sliveryisauniformofhonor。Thecrestonhisbuttonisabadgeofbravery。
　　Doyousee——IimagineIdomyself——intheselittleinstances，atingeofhumor?Ellen'sheartisbreakingforhandsomeJeamesofBuckleySquare，whosegreatlegsarekneeling，andwhohasgivenalockofhispreciouspowderedhead，tosomeotherthanEllen。Henryispreparingthesauceforhismaster'swild-duckswhiletheenginesaresquirtingoverhisownlittlenestandbrood。Liftthesefiguresupbutastoryfromthebasementtotheground-floor，andthefunisgone。Wemaybeenpleinetragedie。Ellenmaybreatheherlastsighinblankverse，callingdownblessingsuponJamestheprofligatewhodesertsher。Henryisahero，andepaulettesareonhisshoulders。Atquisciebat，&c。，whatevertorturesareinstoreforhim，hewillbeathispostofduty。
　　Youconcede，however，thatthereisatouchofhumorinthetwotragediesherementioned。Why?Isitthattheideaofpersonsatserviceissomehowludicrous?Perhapsitismademoresointhiscountrybythesplendidappearanceoftheliverieddomesticsofgreatpeople。Whenyouthinkthatwedressinblackourselves，andputourfellow-creaturesingreen，pink，orcanary-coloredbreeches；
　　thatweorderthemtoplastertheirhairwithflour，havingbrushedthatnonsenseoutofourownheadsfiftyyearsago；thatsomeofthemostgenteelandstatelyamonguscausethemenwhodrivetheircarriagestoputonlittleAlbinowigs，andsitbehindgreatnosegays——IsayIsupposeitisthisheapingofgoldlace，gaudycolors，bloomingplushes，onhonestJohnTrot，whichmakesthemanabsurdinoureyes，whoneedbenothingbutasimplereputablecitizenandin-doorlaborer。Suppose，mydearsir，thatyouyourselfweresuddenlydesiredtoputonafulldress，orevenundress，domesticuniformwithourfriendJones'screstrepeatedinvariedcombinationsofbuttononyourfrontandback?Suppose，madam，yoursonweretold，thathecouldnotgetoutexceptinlowergarmentsofcarnationoramber-coloredplush——wouldyoulethim?……
　　Butasyoujustlysay，thisisnotthequestion，andbesidesitisaquestionfraughtwithdanger，sir；andradicalism，sir；andsubversionoftheveryfoundationsofthesocialfabric，sir……
　　Well，John，wewon'tenteronyourgreatdomesticquestion。Don'tletusdisportwithJeames'sdangerousstrength，andtheedge-toolsabouthisknife-board:butwithBettyandSusanwhowieldtheplayfulmop，andsetonthesimmeringkettle。SurelyyouhaveheardMrs。ToddlestalkingtoMrs。Doddlesabouttheirmutualmaids。MissSusanmusthaveasilkgown，andMissBettymustwearflowersunderherbonnetwhenshegoestochurchifyouplease，anddidyoueverhearsuchimpudence?Theservantinmanysmallestablishmentsisaconstantandendlessthemeoftalk。Whatsmallwage，sleep，meal，whatendlessscouring，scolding，trampingonmessagesfalltothatpoorSusan'slot；whatindignationatthelittlekindlypassingwordwiththegrocer'syoungman，thepot-boy，thechubbybutcher！Wheresuchthingswillend，mydearMrs。Toddles，Idon'tknow。Whatwagestheywillwantnext，mydearMrs。Doddles，&c。
　　Here，dearladies，isanadvertisementwhichIcutoutofTheTimesafewdayssince，expresslyforyou:
　　“AladyisdesirousofobtainingaSITUATIONforaveryrespectableyoungwomanasHEADKITCHEN-MAIDunderaman-cook。Shehaslivedfouryearsunderaverygoodcookandhousekeeper。Canmakeice，andisanexcellentbaker。Shewillonlytakeaplaceinaverygoodfamily，whereshecanhavetheopportunityofimprovingherself，and，ifpossible，stayingfortwoyears。Applybyletterto，“&c。&c。
　　There，Mrs。Toddles，whatdoyouthinkofthat，anddidyouever?
　　Well，no，Mrs。Doddles。Uponmywordnow，Mrs。T。，Idon'tthinkI
　　everdid。Arespectableyoungwoman——asheadkitchen-maid——underaman-cook，willonlytakeaplaceinaverygoodfamily，whereshecanimprove，andstaytwoyears。Justnoteuptheconditions，Mrs。
　　Toddles，mum，ifyouplease，mum，andTHENletussee:——
　　1。ThisyoungwomanistobeHEADkitchen-maid，thatistosaythereistobeachorusofkitchen-maids，ofwhichY。W。istobechief。
　　2。Shewillonlybesituatedunderaman-cook。AOughthetobeaFrenchcook；andB，ifso，wouldtheladydesirehimtobeaProtestant?
　　3。ShewillonlytakeaplaceinaVERYGOODFAMILY。Howoldoughtthefamilytobe，andwhatdoyoucallgood?thatisthequestion。
　　HowlongaftertheConquestwilldo?Wouldabanker'sfamilydo，orisabaronet'sgoodenough?Bestsaywhatrankinthepeeragewouldbesufficientlyhigh。ButtheladydoesnotsaywhethershewouldlikeaHighChurchoraLowChurchfamily。Oughttheretobeunmarriedsons，andmaytheyfollowaprofession?andpleasesayhowmanydaughters；andwouldtheladylikethemtobemusical?Andhowmanycompanydinnersaweek?Nottoomany，forfearoffatiguingtheupperkitchen-maid；butsufficient，soastokeeptheupperkitchen-maid'shandin。[N。B——IthinkIcanseearatherbewilderedexpressiononthecountenancesofMesdamesDoddlesandToddlesasIamprattlingoninthiseasybanteringway。]
　　4。Theheadkitchen-maidwishestostayfortwoyears，andimproveherselfundertheman-cook，andhavingofcoursesuckedthebrainsasthephraseisfromunderthechefsnightcap，thentheheadkitchen-maidwishestogo。
　　Anduponmyword，Mrs。Toddles，mum，Iwillgoandfetchthecabforher。Thecab?Whynotherladyship'sowncarriageandpair，andtheheadcoachmantodriveawaytheheadkitchen-maid?Youseeshestipulatesforeverything——thetimetocome；thetimetostay；thefamilyshewillbewith；andassoonasshehasimprovedherselfenough，ofcoursetheupperkitchen-maidwillstepintothecarriageanddriveoff。
　　Well，uponmywordandconscience，ifthingsarecomingtoTHIS
　　pass，Mrs。ToddlesandMrs。Doddles，mum，IthinkIwillgoupstairsandgetabasinandasponge，andthendownstairsandgetsomehotwater；andthenIwillgoandscrubthatchalk-markoffmyowndoorwithmyownhands。
　　Itiswipedoff，Ideclare！Aftereversomanyweeks！Whohasdoneit?Itwasjustalittleround-aboutmark，youknow，anditwastherefordaysandweeks，beforeIeverthoughtitwouldbethetextofaRoundaboutPaper。
　　ONBEINGFOUNDOUT。
　　AtthecloseletussayofQueenAnne'sreign，whenIwasaboyataprivateandpreparatoryschoolforyounggentlemen，Irememberthewiseacreofamasterorderingusall，onenight，tomarchintoalittlegardenatthebackofthehouse，andthencetoproceedonebyoneintoatoolorhenhouse，Iwasbutatenderlittlethingjustputintoshortclothes，andcan'texactlysaywhetherthehousewasfortoolsorhens，andinthathousetoputourhandsintoasackwhichstoodonabench，acandleburningbesideit。Iputmyhandintothesack。Myhandcameoutquiteblack。Iwentandjoinedtheotherboysintheschoolroom；andalltheirhandswereblacktoo。
　　Byreasonofmytenderageandtherearesomecriticswho，Ihope，willbesatisfiedbymyacknowledgingthatIamahundredandfifty-
　　sixnextbirthdayIcouldnotunderstandwhatwasthemeaningofthisnightexcursion——thiscandle，thistool-house，thisbagofsoot。Ithinkwelittleboysweretakenoutofoursleeptobebroughttotheordeal。Wecame，then，andshowedourlittlehandstothemaster；washedthemornot——mostprobably，Ishouldsay，not——andsowentbewilderedbacktobed。
　　Somethinghadbeenstolenintheschoolthatday；andMr。Wiseacrehavingreadinabookofaningeniousmethodoffindingoutathiefbymakinghimputhishandintoasackwhich，ifguilty，theroguewouldshirkfromdoing，allweboysweresubjectedtothetrial。
　　Goodnessknowswhatthelostobjectwas，orwhostoleit。Weallhadblackhandstoshowthemaster。Andthethief，whoeverhewas，wasnotFoundOutthattime。
　　Iwonderiftherascalisalive——anelderlyscoundrelhemustbebythistime；andahoaryoldhypocrite，towhomanoldschoolfellowpresentshiskindestregards——parentheticallyremarkingwhatadreadfulplacethatprivateschoolwas；cold，chilblains，baddinners，notenoughvictuals，andcaningawful！——Areyoualivestill，Isay，younamelessvillain，whoescapeddiscoveryonthatdayofcrime?Ihopeyouhaveescapedoftensince，oldsinner。Ah，whataluckythingitis，foryouandme，myman，thatweareNOT
　　foundoutinallourpeccadilloes；andthatourbackscanslipawayfromthemasterandthecane！
　　Justconsiderwhatlifewouldbe，ifeveryroguewasfoundout，andfloggedcorampopulo！Whatabutchery，whatanindecency，whatanendlessswishingoftherod！Don'tcryoutaboutmymisanthropy。
　　MygoodfriendMealymouth，Iwilltroubleyoutotellme，doyougotochurch?Whenthere，doyousay，ordoyounot，thatyouareamiserablesinner?andsayingsodoyoubelieveordisbelieveit?
　　IfyouareaM。S。，don'tyoudeservecorrection，andaren'tyougratefulifyouaretobeletoff?Isayagain，whatablessedthingitisthatwearenotallfoundout！
　　Justpicturetoyourselfeverybodywhodoeswrongbeingfoundout，andpunishedaccordingly。Fancyalltheboysinalltheschoolbeingwhipped；andthentheassistants，andthentheheadmasterDr。Badfordletuscallhim。Fancytheprovost-marshalbeingtiedup，havingpreviouslysuperintendedthecorrectionofthewholearmy。Aftertheyounggentlemenhavehadtheirturnforthefaultyexercises，fancyDr。LincolnsinnbeingtakenupforcertainfaultsinHISEssayandReview。Aftertheclergymanhascriedhispeccavi，supposewehoistupabishop，andgivehimacoupleofdozen！I
　　seemyLordBishopofDouble-Gloucestersittinginaveryuneasypostureonhisrightreverendbench。Afterwehavecastoffthebishop，whatarewetosaytotheMinisterwhoappointedhim?MyLordCinqwarden，itispainfultohavetousepersonalcorrectiontoaboyofyourage；butreally……Sistetandem，carnifex！Thebutcheryistoohorrible。Thehanddropspowerless，appalledatthequantityofbirchwhichitmustcutandbrandish。Iamgladwearenotallfoundout，Isayagain；andprotest，mydearbrethren，againstourhavingourdeserts。
　　Tofancyallmenfoundoutandpunishedisbadenough；butimagineallwomenfoundoutinthedistinguishedsocialcircleinwhichyouandIhavethehonortomove。Isitnotamercythatamanyofthesefaircriminalsremainunpunishedandundiscovered！ThereisMrs。Longbow，whoisforeverpractising，andwhoshootspoisonedarrows，too；whenyoumeetheryoudon'tcallherliar，andchargeherwiththewickednessshehasdoneandisdoing。ThereisMrs。
　　Painter，whopassesforamostrespectablewoman，andamodelinsociety。Thereisnouseinsayingwhatyoureallyknowregardingherandhergoingson。ThereisDianaHunter——whatalittlehaughtyprudeitis；andyetWEknowstoriesaboutherwhicharenotaltogetheredifying。Isayitisbest，forthesakeofthegood，thatthebadshouldnotallbefoundout。Youdon'twantyourchildrentoknowthehistoryofthatladyinthenextbox，whoissohandsome，andwhomtheyadmireso。Ahme，whatwouldlifebeifwewereallfoundout，andpunishedforallourfaults?JackKetchwouldbeinpermanence；andthenwhowouldhangJackKetch?
　　Theytalkofmurderersbeingprettycertainlyfoundout。Psha！I
　　haveheardanauthorityawfullycompetentvowanddeclarethatscoresandhundredsofmurdersarecommitted，andnobodyisthewiser。Thatterriblemanmentionedoneortwowaysofcommittingmurder，whichhemaintainedwerequitecommon，andwerescarcelyeverfoundout。Aman，forinstance，comeshometohiswife，and……butIpause——IknowthatthisMagazinehasaverylargecirculation。Hundredsandhundredsofthousands——whynotsayamillionofpeopleatonce?——well，sayamillion，readit。Andamongstthesecountlessreaders，Imightbeteachingsomemonsterhowtomakeawaywithhiswifewithoutbeingfoundout，somefiendofawomanhowtodestroyherdearhusband。IwillNOTthentellthiseasyandsimplewayofmurder，ascommunicatedtomebyamostrespectablepartyintheconfidenceofprivateintercourse。Supposesomegentlereaderweretotrythismostsimpleandeasyreceipt——itseemstomealmostinfallible——andcometogriefinconsequence，andbefoundoutandhanged?ShouldIeverpardonmyselfforhavingbeenthemeansofdoinginjurytoasingleoneofouresteemedsubscribers?TheprescriptionwhereofIspeak——thatistosay，whereofIDON'Tspeak——shallbeburiedinthisbosom。No，Iamahumaneman。IamnotoneofyourBluebeardstogoandsaytomywife，“Mydear！IamgoingawayforafewdaystoBrighton。Hereareallthekeysofthehouse。Youmayopeneverydoorandcloset，excepttheoneattheendoftheoak-roomoppositethefireplace，withthelittlebronzeShakespeareonthemantel-pieceorwhatnot。”Idon'tsaythistoawoman——unless，tobesure，Iwanttogetridofher——because，aftersuchacaution，Iknowshe'llpeepintothecloset。Isaynothingabouttheclosetatall。Ikeepthekeyinmypocket，andabeingwhomIlove，butwho，asIknow，hasmanyweaknesses，outofharm'sway。Youtossupyourhead，dearangel，drubonthegroundwithyourlovelylittlefeet，onthetablewithyoursweetrosyfingers，andcry，“Oh，sneerer！Youdon'tknowthedepthofwoman'sfeeling，theloftyscornofalldeceit，theentireabsenceofmeancuriosityinthesex，ornever，neverwouldyoulibelusso！“Ah，Delia！dear，dearDelia！ItisbecauseI
　　fancyIdoknowsomethingaboutyounotall，mind——no，no；nomanknowsthat——Ah，mybride，myringdove，myrose，mypoppet——choose，infact，whatevernameyoulike——bulbulofmygrove，fountainofmydesert，sunshineofmydarklinglife，andjoyofmydungeonedexistence，itisbecauseIDOknowalittleaboutyouthatI
　　concludetosaynothingofthatprivatecloset，andkeepmykeyinmypocket。Youtakeawaythatcloset-keythen，andthehouse-key。
　　YoulockDeliain。Youkeepheroutofharm'swayandgadding，andsosheneverCANbefoundout。
　　Andyetbylittlestrangeaccidentsandcoincidentshowwearebeingfoundouteveryday。YourememberthatoldstoryoftheAbbeKakatoes，whotoldthecompanyatsupperonenighthowthefirstconfessionheeverreceivedwas——fromamurdererletussay。
　　PresentlyenterstosuppertheMarquisdeCroquemitaine。
　　“Palsambleu，abbe！“saysthebrilliantmarquis，takingapinchofsnuff，“areyouhere?Gentlemenandladies！Iwastheabbe'sfirstpenitent，andImadehimaconfession，whichIpromiseyouastonishedhim。”
　　Tobesurehowqueerlythingsarefoundout！Hereisaninstance。
　　OnlytheotherdayIwaswritingintheseRoundaboutPapersaboutacertainman，whomIfacetiouslycalledBaggs，andwhohadabusedmetomyfriends，whoofcoursetoldme。Shortlyafterthatpaperwaspublishedanotherfriend——Sacksletuscallhim——scowlsfiercelyatmeasIamsittinginperfectgood-humorattheclub，andpassesonwithoutspeaking。Acut。Aquarrel。SacksthinksitisabouthimthatIwaswriting:whereas，uponmyhonorandconscience，Ineverhadhimonceinmymind，andwaspointingmymoralfromquiteanotherman。Butdon'tyousee，bythiswrathoftheguilty-
　　consciencedSacks，thathehadbeenabusingmetoo?Hehasownedhimselfguilty，neverhavingbeenaccused。Hehaswincedwhennobodythoughtofhittinghim。Ididbutputthecapout，andmadlybuttingandchafing，beholdmyfriendrushesouttoputhisheadintoit！Nevermind，Sacks，youarefoundout；butIbearyounomalice，myman。
　　Andyettobefoundout，Iknowfrommyownexperience，mustbepainfulandodious，andcruellymortifyingtotheinwardvanity。
　　SupposeIamapoltroon，letussay。Withfiercemoustache，loudtalk，plentifuloaths，andanimmensestick，Ikeepupneverthelessacharacterforcourage。Iswearfearfullyatcabmenandwomen；
　　brandishmybludgeon，andperhapsknockdownalittlemanortwowithit:bragoftheimageswhichIbreakattheshooting-gallery，andpassamongstmyfriendsforawhiskeryfire-eater，afraidofneithermannordragon。Ahme！SupposesomebrisklittlechapstepsupandgivesmeacaninginSt。James'sStreet，withalltheheadsofmyfriendslookingoutofalltheclubwindows。Myreputationisgone。Ifrightennomanmore。Mynoseispulledbywhipper-snappers，whojumpuponachairtoreachit。Iamfoundout。Andinthedaysofmytriumphs，whenpeoplewereyetafraidofme，andweretakeninbymyswagger，IalwaysknewthatIwasalily-liver，andexpectedthatIshouldbefoundoutsomeday。
　　Thatcertaintyofbeingfoundoutmusthauntanddepressmanyaboldbraggadociospirit。Letussayitisaclergyman，whocanpumpcopiousfloodsoftearsoutofhisowneyesandthoseofhisaudience。Hethinkstohimself，“Iambutapoorswindling，chatteringrogue。Mybillsareunpaid。IhavejiltedseveralwomenwhomIhavepromisedtomarry。Idon'tknowwhetherIbelievewhatIpreach，andIknowIhavestolentheverysermonoverwhichIhavebeensnivelling。Havetheyfoundmeout?“sayshe，ashisheaddropsdownonthecushion。
　　Thenyourwriter，poet，historian，novelist，orwhatnot?TheBeaconsaysthat“Jones'sworkisoneofthefirstorder。”TheLampdeclaresthat“Jones'stragedysurpasseseveryworksincethedaysofHimofAvon。”TheCometassertsthat“J's'LifeofGoodyTwoshoes'isa[Greektextomitted]，anobleandenduringmonumenttothefameofthatadmirableEnglishwoman，“andsoforth。ButthenJonesknowsthathehaslentthecriticoftheBeaconfivepounds；
　　thathispublisherhasahalf-shareintheLamp；andthattheCometcomesrepeatedlytodinewithhim。Itisallverywell。Jonesisimmortaluntilheisfoundout；andthendowncomestheextinguisher，andtheimmortalisdeadandburied。Theideadiesirae！ofdiscoverymusthauntmanyaman，andmakehimuneasy，asthetrumpetsarepuffinginhistriumph。Brown，whohasahigherplacethanhedeserves，cowersbeforeSmith，whohasfoundhimout。Whatisachorusofcriticsshouting“Bravo?“——apublicclappinghandsandflinginggarlands?BrownknowsthatSmithhasfoundhimout。
　　Puff，trumpets！Wave，banners！Huzza，boys，fortheimmortalBrown！“Thisisallverywell，“B。thinksbowingthewhile，smiling，layinghishandtohisheart；“buttherestandsSmithatthewindow:HEhasmeasuredme；andsomedaytheotherswillfindmeouttoo。”Itisaverycurioussensationtositbyamanwhohasfoundyouout，andwho，asyouknow，hasfoundyouout；or，viceversa，tositwithamanwhomYOUhavefoundout。Histalent?Bah！
　　Hisvirtue?Weknowalittlestoryortwoabouthisvirtue，andheknowsweknowit。WearethinkingoverfriendRobinson'santecedents，aswegrin，bowandtalk；andwearebothhumbugstogether。Robinsonagoodfellow，ishe?YouknowhowhebehavedtoHicks?Agood-naturedman，ishe?PraydoyourememberthatlittlestoryofMrs。Robinson'sblackeye?Howmenhavetowork，totalk，tosmile，togotobed，andtryandsleep，withthisdreadofbeingfoundoutontheirconsciences！Bardolph，whohasrobbedachurch，andNym，whohastakenapurse，gototheirusualhaunts，andsmoketheirpipeswiththeircompanions。Mr。DetectiveBullseyeappeal's，andsays，“Oh，Bardolph！Iwantyouaboutthattherepyxbusiness！“Mr。Bardolphknockstheashesoutofhispipe，putsouthishandstothelittlesteelcuffs，andwalksawayquitemeekly。Heisfoundout。Hemustgo。“Good-by，DollTearsheet！Good-by，Mrs。
　　Quickly，ma'am！“Theothergentlemenandladiesdelasocietelookonandexchangemuteadieuxwiththedepartingfriends。Andanassuredtimewillcomewhentheothergentlemenandladieswillbefoundouttoo。
　　Whatawonderfulandbeautifulprovisionofnatureithasbeenthat，forthemostpart，ourwomankindarenotendowedwiththefacultyoffindingusout！THEYdon'tdoubt，andprobe，andweigh，andtakeyourmeasure。Laydownthispaper，mybenevolentfriendandreader，gointoyourdrawing-roomnow，andutterajokeeversoold，andI
　　wagersixpencetheladiestherewillallbegintolaugh。GotoBrown'shouse，andtellMrs。Brownandtheyoungladieswhatyouthinkofhim，andseewhatawelcomeyouwillget！Inlikemanner，lethimcometoyourhouse，andtellYOURgoodladyhiscandidopinionofyou，andfancyhowshewillreceivehim！Wouldyouhaveyourwifeandchildrenknowyouexactlyforwhatyouare，andesteemyoupreciselyatyourworth?Ifso，myfriend，youwillliveinadrearyhouse，andyouwillhavebutachillyfireside。Doyousupposethepeoplerounditdon'tseeyourhomelyfaceasunderaglamour，and，asitwere，withahaloofloveroundit?Youdon'tfancyyouARE，asyouseemtothem?Nosuchthing，myman。Putawaythatmonstrousconceit，andbethankfulthatTHEYhavenotfoundyouout。
　　ONAHUNDREDYEARSHENCE。
　　WherehaveIjustreadofagameplayedatacountryhouse?Thepartyassemblesroundatablewithpens，ink，andpaper。Someonenarratesatalecontainingmoreorlessincidentsandpersonages。
　　Eachpersonofthecompanythenwritesdown，tothebestofhismemoryandability，theanecdotejustnarrated，andfinallythepapersaretobereadout。IdonotsayIshouldliketoplayoftenatthisgame，whichmightpossiblybeatediousandlengthypastime，notbyanymeanssoamusingassmokingacigarintheconservatory；
　　orevenlisteningtotheyoungladiesplayingtheirpiano-pieces；ortoHobbsandNobbslingeringroundthebottleandtalkingoverthemorning'srunwiththehoundsbutsurelyitisamoralandingenioussport。Theysaythevarietyofnarrativesisoftenveryoddandamusing。Theoriginalstorybecomessochangedanddistortedthatattheendofallthestatementsyouarepuzzledtoknowwherethetruthisatall。Astimeisofsmallimportancetothecheerfulpersonsengagedinthissport，perhapsagoodwayofplayingitwouldbetospreaditoveracoupleofyears。Letthepeoplewhoplayedthegamein'60allmeetandplayitoncemorein'61，andeachwritehisstoryoveragain。Thenbringoutyouroriginalandcomparenotes。Notonlywillthestoriesdifferfromeachother，butthewriterswillprobablydifferfromthemselves。Inthecourseoftheyeartheincidentswillgroworwilldwindlestrangely。Theleastauthenticofthestatementswillbesolivelyorsomalicious，orsoneatlyput，thatitwillappearmostlikethetruth。Ilikethesetalesandsportiveexercises。Ihadbegunalittleprintcollectiononce。IhadAddisoninhisnightgowninbedatHollandHouse，requestingyoungLordWarwicktoremarkhowaChristianshoulddie。IhadCambronneclutchinghiscockedhatandutteringtheimmortallaGardemeurtetneserendpas。Ihadthe“Vengeur“
　　goingdown，andallthecrewhurrayinglikemadmen。IhadAlfredtoastingthemuffin；CurtiusHaydonjumpingintothegulf；withextractsfromNapoleon'sbulletins，andafineauthenticportraitofBaronMunchausen。
　　Whatmanwhohasbeenbeforethepublicatallhasnotheardsimilarwonderfulanecdotesregardinghimselfandhisownhistory?InthesehumbleessaykinsIhavetakenleavetoegotize。Icryoutabouttheshoeswhichpinchme，and，asIfancy，morenaturallyandpatheticallythanifmyneighbor'scornsweretroddenunderfoot。I
　　prattleaboutthedishwhichIlove，thewinewhichIlike，thetalkIheardyesterday——aboutBrown'sabsurdairs——Jones'sridiculouselationwhenhethinkshehascaughtmeinablunderapartofthefun，yousee，isthatJoneswillreadthis，andwillperfectlywellknowthatImeanhim，andthatweshallmeetandgrinateachotherwithentirepoliteness。Thisisnotthehighestkindofspeculation，Iconfess，butitisagossipwhichamusessomefolks。
　　Abriskandhonestsmall-beerwillrefreshthosewhodonotcareforthefrothyoutpouringsofheaviertaps。Atwoofclubsmaybeagood，handylittlecardsometimes，andabletotackleakingofdiamonds，ifitisalittletrump。Somephilosophersgettheirwisdomwithdeepthoughtandoutofponderouslibraries；Ipickupmysmallcrumbsofcogitationatadinner-table；orfromMrs。MaryandMissLouisa，astheyareprattlingovertheirfive-o'clocktea。
　　Well，yesterdayatdinnerJucunduswasgoodenoughtotellmeastoryaboutmyself，whichhehadheardfromaladyofhisacquaintance，towhomIsendmybestcompliments。Thetaleisthis。
　　Atnineo'clockontheeveningofthe31stofNovemberlast，justbeforesunset，IwasseenleavingNo。96，AbbeyRoad，St。John'sWood，leadingtwolittlechildrenbythehand，oneoftheminanankeenpelisse，andtheotherhavingamoleonthethirdfingerofhislefthandshethinksitwasthethirdfinger，butisquitesureitwasthelefthand。ThenceIwalkedwiththemtoCharlesBoroughbridge's，porkandsausageman，No。29，UpperTheresaRoad。
　　Here，whilstIleftthelittlegirlinnocentlyeatingapolonyinthefrontshop，IandBoroughbridgeretiredwiththeboyintothebackparlor，whereMrs。Boroughbridgewasplayingcribbage。Sheputupthecardsandboxes，tookoutachopperandanapkin，andwecutthelittleboy'slittlethroatwhichheborewithgreatpluckandresolution，andmadehimintosausage-meatbytheaidofPurkis'sexcellentsausage-machine。Thelittlegirlatfirstcouldnotunderstandherbrother'sabsence，but，underthepretenceoftakinghertoseeMr。FechterinHamlet，IledherdowntotheNewRiveratSadler'sWells，whereabodyofachildinanankeenpelissewassubsequentlyfound，andhasneverbeenrecognizedtothepresentday。AndthisMrs。Lynxcanaver，becauseshesawthewholetransactionwithherowneyes，asshetoldMr。Jucundus。
　　Ihavealteredthelittledetailsoftheanecdotesomewhat。Butthisstoryis，Ivowanddeclare，astrueasMrsLynx's。Graciousgoodness！howdoliesbegin?Whataretheaveragesoflying?Isthesameamountofliestoldabouteveryman，anddoweprettymuchalltellthesameamountoflies?IstheaveragegreaterinIrelandthaninScotland，orviceversa——amongwomenthanamongmen?IsthisalieIamtellingnow?IfIamtalkingaboutyou，theoddsare，perhaps，thatitis。Ilookbackatsomewhichhavebeentoldaboutme，andspeculateonthemwiththanksandwonder。Dearfriendshavetoldthemofme，havetoldthemtomeofmyself。Havetheynottoandofyou，dearfriend?Afriendofminewasdiningatalargedinnerofclergymen，andastory，astrueasthesausagestoryabovegiven，wastoldregardingme，byoneofthosereverenddivines，inwhosefrocksitssomeanilechatter-boxes，asanymanwhoknowsthisworldknows。Theytaketheprivilegeoftheirgown。
　　Theycabal，andtattle，andhiss，andcacklecomminationsundertheirbreath。Isaytheoldwomenoftheothersexarenotmoretalkativeormoremischievousthansomeofthese。“Suchamanoughtnottobespokento，“saysGobemouche，narratingthestory——andsuchastory！“AndIamsurprisedheisadmittedintosocietyatall。”
　　Yes，dearGobemouche，butthestorywasn'ttrue；andIhadnomoredonethewickeddeedinquestionthanIhadrunawaywiththeQueenofSheba。
　　Ihavealwayslongedtoknowwhatthatstorywasorwhatcollectionofhistories，whichaladyhadinhermindtowhomaservantofmineappliedforaplace，whenIwasbreakingupmyestablishmentonceandgoingabroad。Brownwentwithaverygoodcharacterfromus，which，indeed，shefullydeservedafterseveralyears'faithfulservice。ButwhenMrs。JonesreadthenameofthepersonoutofwhoseemploymentBrowncame，“Thatisquitesufficient，“saysMrs。
　　Jones。“Youmaygo。IwillnevertakeaservantoutofTHAT
　　house。”Ah，Mrs。Jones，howIshouldliketoknowwhatthatcrimewas，orwhatthatseriesofvillanies，whichmadeyoudeterminenevertotakeaservantoutofmyhouse。Doyoubelieveinthestoryofthelittleboyandthesausages?Haveyouswallowedthatlittlemincedinfant?HaveyoudevouredthatyoungPolonius?Uponmywordyouhavemawenough。Wesomehowgreedilygobbledownallstoriesinwhichthecharactersofourfriendsarechoppedup，andbelievewrongofthemwithoutinquiry。Inalateserialworkwrittenbythishand，Iremembermakingsomepatheticremarksaboutourpropensitytobelieveillofourneighbors——andIremembertheremarks，notbecausetheywerevaluable，ornovel，oringenious，butbecause，withinthreedaysaftertheyhadappearedinprint，themoralistwhowrotethem，walkinghomewithafriend，heardastoryaboutanotherfriend，whichstoryhestraightwaybelieved，andwhichstorywasscarcelymoretruethanthatsausagefablewhichisheresetdown。Omeaculpa，meamaximaculpa！Butthoughthepreachertrips，shallnotthedoctrinebegood?Yea，brethren！Herebetherods。Lookyou，herearethescourges。Choosemeanicelong，swishing，buddyone，lightandwell-poisedinthehandle，thickandbushyatthetail。Pickmeoutawhip-cordthongwithsomedaintyknotsinit——andnow——wealldeserveit——whish，whish，whish！Letuscutintoeachotherallround。
　　AfavoriteliarandservantofminewasamanIoncehadtodriveabrougham。Henevercametomyhouse，exceptfororders，andoncewhenhehelpedtowaitatdinnersoclumsilythatitwasagreedwewoulddispensewithhisfurtherefforts。Thejobbroughamhorseusedtolookdreadfullyleanandtired，andthelivery-stablekeepercomplainedthatweworkedhimtoohard。Now，itturnedoutthattherewasaneighboringbutcher'sladywholikedtorideinabrougham；andTomkinslentherours，drovehercheerfullytoRichmondandPutney，and，Isuppose，tookoutapaymentinmutton-
　　chops。WegavethisgoodTomkinswineandmedicineforhisfamilywhensick——wesuppliedhimwithlittlecomfortsandextraswhichneednotnowberemembered——andthegratefulcreaturerewardedusbyinformingsomeofourtradesmenwhomhehonoredwithhiscustom，“Mr。Roundabout?Lor'blessyou！Icarryhimuptobeddrunkeverynightintheweek。”He，Tomkins，beingamanofsevenstoneweightandfivefeethigh；whereashisemployerwas——butheremodestyinterferes，andIdeclinetoenterintotheavoirdupoisquestion。
　　Now，whatwasTomkins'smotivefortheutteranceanddisseminationoftheselies?Theycouldfurthernoconceivableendorinterestofhisown。Hadtheybeentruestories，Tomkins'smasterwouldstill，andreasonably，havebeenmoreangrythanatthefables。ItwasbutsuicidalslanderonthepartofTomkins——mustcometoadiscovery——
　　mustendinapunishment。Thepoorwretchhadgothisplaceunder，asitturnedout，afictitiouscharacter。Hemighthavestayedinit，forofcourseTomkinshadawifeandpoorinnocentchildren。Hemighthavehadbread，beer，bed，character，coats，coals。Hemighthavenestledinourlittleisland，comfortablyshelteredfromthestormsoflife；butwewerecompelledtocasthimout，andsendhimdriving，lonely，perishing，tossing，starving，tosea——todrown。Todrown?Therebeothermodesofdeathwherebyroguesdie。Good-by，Tomkins。Andsothenightcapisputon，andtheboltisdrawnforpoorT。
　　Supposeweweretoinvitevolunteersamongstourrespectedreaderstosendinlittlestatementsofthelieswhichtheyknowhavebeentoldaboutthemselves；whataheapofcorrespondence，whatanexaggerationofmalignities，whatacracklingbonfireofincendiaryfalsehoods，mightwenotgathertogether！Andalieoncesetgoing，havingthebreathoflifebreathedintoitbythefatheroflying，andorderedtorunitsdiabolicallittlecourse，liveswithaprodigiousvitality。Yousay，“Magnaestveritasetpraevalebit。”
　　Psha！Greatliesareasgreatasgreattruths，andprevailconstantly，anddayafterday。Takeaninstanceortwooutofmyownlittlebudget。Isitnearagentlemanatdinner，andtheconversationturnsuponacertainanonymousliteraryperformancewhichatthetimeisamusingthetown。“Oh，“saysthegentleman，“everybodyknowswhowrotethatpaper:itisMomus's。”Iwasayoungauthoratthetime，perhapsproudofmybantling:“Ibegyourpardon，“Isay，“itwaswrittenbyyourhumbleservant。”“Indeed！“
　　wasallthatthemanreplied，andheshruggedhisshoulders，turnedhisback，andtalkedtohisotherneighbor。Ineverheardsarcasticincredulitymorefinelyconveyedthanbythat“indeed。”“Impudentliar，“thegentleman'sfacesaid，asclearasfacecouldspeak。
　　WherewasMagnaVeritas，andhowdidsheprevailthen?Shelifteduphervoice，shemadeherappeal，andshewaskickedoutofcourt。
　　InNewYorkIreadanewspapercriticismonedaybyanexilefromourshoreswhohastakenuphisabodeintheWesternRepublic，commentinguponaletterofminewhichhadappearedinacontemporaryvolume，andwhereinitwasstatedthatthewriterwasaladinsuchandsuchayear，and，inpointoffact，Iwas，attheperiodspokenof，nineteenyearsofage。“Falsehood，Mr。Roundabout，“saysthenoblecritic:“Youwerethennotalad；youwerethensix-and-twentyyearsofage。”Youseeheknewbetterthanpapaandmammaandparishregister。ItwaseasierforhimtothinkandsayIlied，onatwopennymatterconnectedwithmyownaffairs，thantoimaginehewasmistaken。Yearsago，inatimewhenwewereverymadwags，ArcturusandmyselfmetagentlemanfromChinawhoknewthelanguage。WebegantospeakChineseagainsthim。WesaidwewereborninChina。Weweretwotoone。Wespokethemandarindialectwithperfectfluency。Wehadthecompanywithus；asintheold，olddays，thesqueakoftherealpigwasvotednottobesonaturalasthesqueakoftheshampig。OArcturus，theshampigsqueaksinourstreetsnowtotheapplauseofmultitudes，andtherealporkergruntsunheededinhissty！
　　Ioncetalkedforsomelittletimewithanamiablelady:itwasforthefirsttime；andIsawanexpressionofsurpriseonherkindface，whichsaidasplainlyasfacecouldsay，“Sir，doyouknowthatuptothismomentIhavehadacertainopinionofyou，andthatIbegintothinkIhavebeenmistakenormisled?“Inotonlyknowthatshehadheardevilreportsofme，butIknowwhotoldher——oneofthoseacutefellows，mydearbrethren，ofwhomwespokeinaprevioussermon，whohasfoundmeout——foundoutactionswhichI
　　neverdid，foundoutthoughtsandsayingswhichIneverspoke，andjudgedmeaccordingly。Ah，mylad！haveIfoundYOUout?Orisumteneatis。PerhapsthepersonIamaccusingisnomoreguiltythanI。
　　Howcomesitthattheevilwhichmensayspreadssowidelyandlastssolong，whilstourgood，kindwordsdon'tseemsomehowtotakerootandbearblossom?Isitthatinthestonyheartsofmankindtheseprettyflowerscan'tfindaplacetogrow?Certainitisthatscandalisgood，brisktalk，whereaspraiseofone'sneighborisbynomeanslivelyhearing。Anacquaintancegrilled，scored，devilled，andservedwithmustardandcayennepepper，excitestheappetite；
　　whereasasliceofcoldfriendwithcurrantjellyisbutasickly，unrelishingmeat。
　　Now，suchbeingthecase，mydearworthyMrs。Candor，inwhomIknowthereareahundredgoodandgenerousqualities:itbeingperfectlyclearthatthegoodthingswhichwesayofourneighborsdon'tfructify，butsomehowperishinthegroundwheretheyaredropped，whilsttheevilwordsarewaftedbyallthewindsofscandal，takerootinallsods，andflourishamazingly——seeing，Isay，thatthisconversationdoesnotgiveusafairchance，supposewegiveupcensoriousnessaltogether，anddeclineutteringouropinionsaboutBrown，Jones，andRobinsonandMesdamesB。，J。，andR。atall。Wemaybemistakenabouteveryoneofthem，as，pleasegoodness，thoseanecdote-mongersagainstwhomIhaveutteredmymeekprotesthavebeenmistakenaboutme。WeneednotgototheextentofsayingthatMrs。Manningwasanamiablecreature，muchmisunderstood；andJackThurtellagallant，unfortunatefellow，notnearsoblackashewaspainted；butwewilltryandavoidpersonalitiesaltogetherintalk，won'twe?Wewillrangethefieldsofscience，dearmadam，andcommunicatetoeachotherthepleasingresultsofourstudies。Wewill，ifyouplease，examinetheinfinitesimalwondersofnaturethroughthemicroscope。Wewillcultivateentomology。Wewillsitwithourarmsroundeachother'swaistsontheponsasinorum，andseethestreamofmathematicsflowbeneath。Wewilltakerefugeincards，andplayat“beggarmyneighbor，“notabusemyneighbor。WewillgototheZoologicalGardensandtalkfreelyaboutthegorillaandhiskindred，butnottalkaboutpeoplewhocantalkintheirturn。SupposewepraisetheHighChurch?weoffendtheLowChurch。
　　TheBroadChurch?HighandLowarebothoffended。WhatdoyouthinkofLordDerbyasapolitician?AndwhatisyouropinionofLordPalmerston?Ifyouplease，willyouplaymethoselovelyvariationsof“Inmycottagenearawood?“ItisacharmingairyouknowitinFrench，Isuppose?Ah！tedirai-je，maman！andwasafavoritewithpoorMarieAntoinette。Isay“poor，“becauseIhavearighttospeakwithpityofasovereignwhowasrenownedforsomuchbeautyandsomuchmisfortune。Butasforgivinganyopiniononherconduct，sayingthatshewasgoodorbad，orindifferent，goodnessforbid！Wehaveagreedwewillnotbecensorious。Letushaveagameatcards——atecarte，ifyouplease。Youdeal。Iaskforcards。Ileadthedeuceofclubs……
　　What?thereisnodeuce！Deucetakeit！What?PeopleWILLgoontalkingabouttheirneighbors，andwon'thavetheirmouthsstoppedbycards，oreversomuchmicroscopesandaquariums?Ah，mypoordearMrs。Candor，Iagreewithyou。Bytheway，didyoueverseeanythinglikeLadyGodivaTrotter'sdresslastnight?PeopleWILL
　　goonchattering，althoughweholdourtongues；and，afterall，mygoodsoul，whatwilltheirscandalmatterahundredyearshence?
　　SMALL-BEERCHRONICLE。
　　Notlongsince，atacertainbanquet，IhadthegoodfortunetositbyDoctorPolymathesis，whoknowseverything，andwho，aboutthetimewhentheclaretmadeitsappearance，mentionedthatolddictumofthegrumblingOxfordDon，that“ALLCLARETwouldbeportifitcould！“Imbibingabumperofoneortheothernotungratefully，I
　　thoughttomyself，“Heresurely，Mr。Roundabout，isagoodtextforoneofyourreverence'ssermons。”Letusapplytothehumanrace，dearbrethren，whatisheresaidofthevintagesofPortugalandGascony，andweshallhavenodifficultyinperceivinghowmanyclaretsaspiretobeportsintheirway；howmostmenandwomenofouracquaintance，howweourselves，areAquitaniansgivingourselvesLusitanianairs；howwewishtohavecreditforbeingstronger，braver，morebeautiful，moreworthythanwereallyare。
　　Nay，thebeginningofthishypocrisy——adesiretoexcel，adesiretobehearty，fruity，generous，strength-imparting——isavirtuousandnobleambition；anditismostdifficultforamaninhisowncase，orhisneighbor's，tosayatwhatpointthisambitiontransgressestheboundaryofvirtue，andbecomesvanity，pretence，andself-
　　seeking。Youareapoorman，letussay，showingaboldfacetoadversefortune，andwearingaconfidentaspect。Yourpurseisverynarrow，butyouowenomanapenny；yourmeansarescanty，butyourwife'sgownisdecent；youroldcoatwellbrushed；yourchildrenatagoodschool；yougrumbletonoone；askfavorsofnoone；truckletononeighborsonaccountoftheirsuperiorrank，oraworse，andameaner，andamorecommoncrimestillenvynonefortheirbetterfortune。Toalloutwardappearancesyouareaswelltodoasyourneighbors，whohavethriceyourincome。Theremaybeinthiscasesomelittlemixtureofpretensioninyourlifeandbehavior。YoucertainlyDOputonasmilingfacewhilstfortuneispinchingyou。
　　Yourwifeandgirls，sosmartandneatateveningparties，arecutting，patching，andcobblingalldaytomakebothendsoflife'shaberdasherymeet。Yougiveafriendabottleofwineonoccasion，butarecontentyourselfwithaglassofwhiskey-and-water。Youavoidacab，sayingthatofallthingsyouliketowalkhomeafterdinnerwhichyouknow，mygoodfriend，isafib。Igrantyouthatinthisschemeoflifetheredoesentereversolittlehypocrisy；
　　thatthisclaretisloaded，asitwere；butyourdesiretoPORTIFY
　　yourselfisamiable，ispardonable，isperhapshonorable:andweretherenootherhypocrisiesthanyoursintheworldweshouldbeasetofworthyfellows；andsermonizers，moralizers，satirizers，wouldhavetoholdtheirtongues，andgotosomeothertradetogetaliving。
　　ButyouknowyouWILLstepoverthatboundarylineofvirtueandmodesty，intothedistrictwherehumbugandvanitybegin，andtherethemoralizercatchesyouandmakesanexampleofyou。Forinstance，inacertainnovelinanotherplacemyfriendMr。TalbotTwysdenismentioned——amanwhomyouandIknowtobeawretchedordinaire，butwhopersistsintreatinghimselfasifhewasthefinest'20port。InourBritaintherearehundredsofmenlikehim；
　　foreverstrivingtoswellbeyondtheirnaturalsize，tostrainbeyondtheirnaturalstrength，tostepbeyondtheirnaturalstride。
　　Search，searchwithinyourownwaistcoats，dearbrethren——YOUknowinyourhearts，whichofyourordinairequalitiesyouwouldpassoff，andfainconsiderasfirst-rateport。Andwhynotyouyourself，Mr。Preacher?saysthecongregation。Dearlybeloved，neitherinoroutofthispulpitdoIprofesstobebigger，orcleverer，orwiser，orbetterthananyofyou。Ashortwhilesince，acertainReviewerannouncedthatIgavemyselfgreatpretensionsasaphilosopher。Iaphilosopher！Iadvancepretensions！MydearSaturdayfriend。Andyou?Don'tyouteacheverythingtoeverybody?
　　andpunishthenaughtyboysiftheydon'tlearnasyoubidthem?
　　YouteachpoliticstoLordJohnandMr。Gladstone。Youteachpoetshowtowrite；painters，howtopaint；gentlemen，manners；andopera-
　　dancers，howtopirouette。IwasnotalittleamusedoflatebyaninstanceofthemodestyofourSaturdayfriend，who，moreAthenianthantheAthenians，andaproposofaGreekbookbyaGreekauthor，satdownandgravelyshowedtheGreekgentlemanhowtowritehisownlanguage。
　　No，Idonot，asfarasIknow，trytobeportatall；butofferinthesepresents，asoundgenuineordinaire，at18s。perdoz。letussay，grownonmyownhillside，andoffereddeboncoeurtothosewhowillsitdownundermytonnelle，andhaveahalf-hour'sdrinkandgossip。Itisnoneofyourhotporto，myfriend。Iknowthereismuchbetterandstrongerliquorelsewhere。Somepronounceitsour:
　　somesayitisthin；somethatithaswofullylostitsflavor。Thismayormaynotbetrue。Therearegoodandbadyears；yearsthatsurpriseeverybody；yearsofwhichtheproduceissmallandbad，orrichandplentiful。Butifmytapisnotgenuineitisnaught，andnomanshouldgivehimselfthetroubletodrinkit。IdonotevensaythatIwouldbeportifIcould；knowingthatportbywhichI
　　wouldimplymuchstronger，deeper，richer，andmoredurableliquorthanmyvineyardcanfurnishisnotrelishedbyallpalates，orsuitabletoallheads。Wewillassumethen，dearbrother，thatyouandIaretolerablymodestpeople；and，ourselvesbeingthusoutofthequestion，proceedtoshowhowpretentiousourneighborsare，andhowverymanyofthemwouldbeportiftheycould。
　　Haveyouneverseenasmallmanfromcollegeplacedamongstgreatfolk，andgivinghimselftheairsofamanoffashion?HegoesbacktohiscommonroomwithfondreminiscencesofErmineCastleorStrawberryHall。Hewritestothedearcountess，tosaythatdearLordLollypopisgettingonverywellatSt。Boniface，andthattheaccidentwhichhemetwithinascufflewithaninebriatedbargemanonlyshowedhisspiritandhonor，andwillnotpermanentlydisfigurehislordship'snose。HegetshisclothesfromdearLollypop'sLondontailor，andwearsamauveormagentatiewhenheridesouttoseethehounds。Aloveoffashionablepeopleisaweakness，Idonotsayofall，butofsometutors。WitnessthatEtontutort'otherday，whointimatedthatinCornhillwecouldnotunderstandtheperfectpurity，delicacy，andrefinementofthosegenteelfamilieswhosenttheirsonstoEton。Ousher，monami！OldSamJohnson，who，too，hadbeenanusherinhisearlylife，keptalittleofthatweaknessalways。SupposeGoldsmithhadknockedhimupatthreeinthemorningandproposedaboattoGreenwich，asTophamBeauclercandhisfrienddid，wouldhehavesaid，“What，myboy，areyouforafrolic?I'mwithyou！“andgoneandputonhisclothes?RatherhewouldhavepitchedpoorGoldsmithdownstairs。Hewouldhavelikedtobeportifhecould。OfcourseWEwouldn't。OuropinionofthePortugalgrapeisknown。Itgrowsveryhigh，andisverysour，andwedon'tgoforthatkindofgrapeatall。
　　“IwaswalkingwithMr。Fox“——andsurethisanecdotecomesverypatafterthegrapes——“IwaswalkingwithMr。FoxintheLouvre，“saysBenjaminWestapudsomepaperIhavejustbeenreading，“andI
　　remarkedhowmanypeopleturnedroundtolookatME。ThisshowstherespectoftheFrenchforthefinearts。”Thisisacuriousinstanceofaverysmallclaretindeed，whichimagineditselftobeportofthestrongestbody。Therearenotmanyinstancesofafaithsodeep，sosimple，sosatisfactoryasthis。Ihavemetmanywhowouldliketobeport；butwithfewoftheGasconsort，whoabsolutelybelievedtheyWEREport。GeorgeIII。believedinWest'sportandthoughtReynolds'soverratedstuff。WhenIsawWest'spicturesatPhiladelphia，Ilookedatthemwithastonishmentandawe。Hide，blushingglory，hideyourheadunderyouroldnightcap。
　　Oimmortality！isthistheendofyou?Didanyofyou，mydearbrethren，evertryandread“Blackmore'sPoems，“orthe“EpicsofBaour-Lormian，“orthe“Henriade，“or——whatshallwesay?——Pollok's“CourseofTime?“Theywerethoughttobemorelastingthanbrassbysomepeople，andwherearetheynow?AndOURmasterpiecesofliterature——OURpoets——that，ifnotimmortal，atanyrate，aretolasttheirfifty，theirhundredyears——oh，sirs，don'tyouthinkaverysmallcellarwillholdthem?
　　Thosepoorpeopleinbrass，onpedestals，hectoringaboutTrafalgarSquareandthatneighborhood，don'tyouthinkmanyofthem——apartevenfromtheridiculousexecution——cutratheraridiculousfigure，andthatwearetooeagertosetupourordinaireheroismandtalentforport?ADukeofWellingtonortwoIwillgrant，thoughevenoftheseidolsamoderatesupplywillbesufficient。SomeyearsagoafamousandwittyFrenchcriticwasinLondon，withwhomIwalkedthestreets。IamashamedtosaythatIinformedhimbeinginhopesthathewasabouttowritesomepapersregardingthemannersandcustomsofthiscountrythatallthestatueshesawrepresentedtheDukeofWellington。ThatonthearchoppositeApsleyHouse?theDukeinacloak，andcockedhat，onhorseback。ThatbehindApsleyHouseinanairyfig-leafcostume?theDukeagain。ThatinCockspurStreet?theDukewithapigtail——andsoon。IshowedhimanarmyofDukes。Therearemanybronzeheroeswhoafterafewyearslookalreadyasfoolish，awkward，andoutofplaceasaman，sayatShoolbred'sorSwanandEdgar's。Forexample，thosethreeGrenadiersinPallMall，whohavebeenuponlyafewmonths，don'tyoupitythoseunhappyhouseholdtroops，whohavetostandfrowningandlookingfiercethere；andthinktheywouldliketostepdownandgotobarracks?Thattheyfoughtverybravelythereisnodoubt；
　　butsodidtheRussiansfightverybravely；andtheFrenchfightverybravely；andsodidColonelJonesandthe99th，andColonelBrownandthe100th；andIsayagainthatordinaireshouldnotgiveitselfportairs，andthatanhonestordinairewouldblushtobefoundswaggeringso。IamsureifyoucouldconsulttheDukeofYork，whoisimpaledonhiscolumnbetweenthetwoclubs，andaskhislateRoyalHighnesswhetherhethoughtheoughttoremainthere，hewouldsayno。Abrave，worthyman，notabraggartorboaster，tobeputuponthatheroicperchmustbepainfultohim。LordGeorgeBentinck，Isuppose，beinginthemidstofthefamilyparkinCavendishSquare，mayconceivethathehasarighttoremaininhisplace。ButlookatWilliamofCumberland，withhishatcockedoverhiseye，prancingbehindLordGeorgeonhisRoman-nosedcharger；he，dependonit，wouldbeforgettingoffhishorseifhehadthepermission。Hedidnothesitateabouttrifles，asweknow；buthewasaverytruth-tellingandhonorablesoldier:andasforheroicrankandstatuesquedignity，Iwouldwageradozenof'20portagainstabottleofpureandsoundBordeaux，at18s。perdozenbottlesincluded，thatheneverwouldthinkofclaiminganysuchabsurddistinction。TheyhavegotastatueofThomasMooreatDublin，Ihear。Isheonhorseback?Somemenshouldhave，say，afiftyyears'leaseofglory。Afterawhilesomegentlemennowinbrassshouldgotothemeltingfurnace，andreappearinsomeothergentleman'sshape。LatelyIsawthatMelvillecolumnrisingoverEdinburgh；come，goodmenandtrue，don'tyoufeelalittleawkwardanduneasywhenyouwalkunderit?Whowasthistostandinheroicplaces?andisyonthemanwhomScotchmenmostdelighttohonor?I
　　mustowndeferentiallythatthereisatendencyinNorthBritaintoover-esteemitsheroes。Scotchaleisverygoodandstrong，butitisnotstrongerthanalltheotherbeerintheworld，assomeScottishpatriotswouldinsist。Whentherehasbeenawar，andstoutoldSandySansculottereturnshomefromIndiaorCrimea，whatabagpiping，shouting，hurraying，andself-glorificationtakesplaceroundabouthim！Youwouldfancy，tohearMcOratorafterdinner，thattheScotchhadfoughtallthebattles，killedalltheRussians，Indianrebels，orwhatnot。InCupar-Fife，there'salittleinncalledthe“BattleofWaterloo，“andwhatdoyouthinkthesignis?
　　Isketchfrommemory，tobesure。*“TheBattleofWaterloo“isonebroadScotchmanlayingabouthimwithabroadsword。Yes，yes，mydearMac，youarewise，youaregood，youareclever，youarehandsome，youarebrave，youarerich，&c。；butsoisJonesovertheborder。Scotchsalmonisgood，butthereareothergoodfishinthesea。IonceheardaScotchmanlectureonpoetryinLondon。OfcoursethepiecesheselectedwerechieflybyScottishauthors，andWalterScottwashisfavoritepoet。Iwhisperedtomyneighbor，whowasaScotchmanbytheway，theaudiencewerealmostallScotch，andtheroomwasAll-Mac's——Ibegyourpardon，butIcouldn'thelpit，Ireallycouldn'thelpit——“TheprofessorhassaidthebestpoetwasaScotchman:IwagerthathewillsaytheworstpoetwasaScotchman，too。”Andsureenoughthatworstpoet，whenhemadehisappearance，wasaNorthernBriton。
　　*Thisreferstoanillustratededitionofthework。】】
　　Andaswearetalkingofbragging，andIamonmytravels，canI
　　forgetonemightyrepublic——one——twomightyrepublics，wherepeoplearenotoriouslyfondofpassingofftheirclaretforport?Iamveryglad，forthesakeofakindfriend，thatthereisagreatandinfluentialpartyintheUnited，and，Itrust，intheConfederateStates，*whobelievethatCatawbawineisbetterthanthebestChampagne。OppositethatfamousoldWhiteHouseatWashington，whereofIshalleverhaveagratefulmemory，theyhavesetupanequestrianstatueofGeneralJackson，byaself-taughtAmericanartistofnoinconsiderablegeniusandskill。Atanevening-partyamemberofCongressseizedmeinacorneroftheroom，andaskedmeifIdidnotthinkthiswasTHEFINESTEQUESTRIANSTATUEINTHE
　　WORLD?HowwasItodealwiththisplainquestion，puttomeinacorner?Iwasboundtoreply，andaccordinglysaidthatIdidNOT
　　thinkitwasthefineststatueintheworld。“Well，sir，“saystheMemberofCongress，“butyoumustrememberthatMr。M——hadneverseenastatuewhenhemadethis！“IsuggestedthattoseeotherstatuesmightdoMr。M——noharm。Norwasanymanmorewillingtoownhisdefects，ormoremodestregardinghismerits，thanthesculptorhimself，whomImetsubsequently。Butoh！whatacharmingarticletherewasinaWashingtonpapernextdayabouttheimpertinenceofcriticismandoffensivetoneofarrogancewhichEnglishmenadoptedtowardsmenandworksofgeniusinAmerica！“Whowasthisman，who“&c。&c。?TheWashingtonwriterwasangrybecauseIwouldnotacceptthisAmericanclaretasthefinestport-wineintheworld。Ahme！Itisaboutbloodandnotwinethatthequarrelnowis，andwhoshallforetellitsend?
　　*WritteninJuly，1861。
　　Howmuchclaretthatwouldbeportifitcouldishandedaboutineverysociety！IntheHouseofCommonswhatsmall-beeroratorstrytopassforstrong?Stay:haveIaspiteagainstanyone?ItisafactthatthewifeoftheMemberforBungayhasleftoffaskingmeandMrs。Roundabouttoherevening-parties。Nowisthetimetohaveaslapathim。Iwillsaythathewasalwaysoverrated，andthatnowheislamentablyfallingoffevenfromwhathehasbeen。IwillbacktheMemberforStokePogesagainsthim；andshowthatthedashingyoungMemberforIslingtonisafarsoundermanthaneither。
　　HaveIanylittleliteraryanimosities?Ofcoursenot。Menoflettersneverhave。Otherwise，howIcouldserveoutacompetitorhere，makeafaceoverhisworks，andshowthatthiswould-beportisverymeagreordinaireindeed！Nonsense，man！Whysosqueamish?
　　DotheyspareYOU！Nowyouhavethewhipinyourhand，won'tyoulayon?Youusedtobeaprettywhipenoughasayoungman，andlikedittoo。Istherenoenemywhowouldbethebetterforalittlethonging?No。Ihavemilitatedinformertimes，notwithoutglory；butIgrowpeaceableasIgrowold。AndifIhavealiteraryenemy，why，hewillprobablywriteabookerelong，andthenitwillbeHISturn，andmyfavoritereviewwillbedownuponhim。
　　Mybrethren，thesesermonsareprofessedlyshort；forIhavethatopinionofmydearcongregation，whichleadsmetothinkthatwereI
　　topreachatgreatlengththeywouldyawn，stamp，makenoises，andperhapsgostraightwayoutofchurch；andyetwiththistextI
　　protestIcouldgoonforhours。Whatmultitudesofmen，whatmultitudesofwomen，mydears，passofftheirordinaireforport，theirsmallbeerforstrong！Inliterature，inpolitics，inthearmy，thenavy，thechurch，atthebar，intheworld，whatanimmensequantityofcheapliquorismadetodoserviceforbettersorts！AskSerjeantRolandhisopinionofOliverQ。C。“Ordinaire，mygoodfellow，ordinaire，withaport-winelabel！“AskOliverhisopinionofRoland。“Neverwasamansooverratedbytheworldandbyhimself。”AskTweedledumskihisopinionofTweedledeestein'sperformance。“Aquack，mytearsir！anignoramus，Igeefyoumyvort?Hegomboseanopera！Heisnotfittomakedanceabear！“
　　AskPaddingtonandBuckminster，thosetwo“swells“offashion，whattheythinkofeachother?Theyarenotoriousordinaire。YouandI
　　rememberwhentheypassedforverysmallwine，andnowhowhighandmightytheyhavebecome。WhatdoyousaytoTomkins'ssermons?
　　Ordinaire，tryingtogodownasorthodoxport，andverymeagreordinairetoo！ToHopkins'shistoricalworks?——toPumkins'spoetry?
　　Ordinaire，ordinaireagain——thin，feeble，overrated；andsodownthewholelist。Andwhenwehavedonediscussingourmenfriends，havewenotallthewomen?Dothesenotadvanceabsurdpretensions?Dothesenevergivethemselvesairs?Withfeeblebrains，don'ttheyoftensetuptobeespritsforts?Don'ttheypretendtobewomenoffashion，andcuttheirbetters?Don'ttheytryandpassofftheirordinary-lookinggirlsasbeautiesofthefirstorder?Everymaninhiscircleknowswomenwhogivethemselvesairs，andtowhomwecanapplytheport-winesimile。
　　Come，myfriends。Hereisenoughofordinaireandportforto-day。
　　Mybottlehasrunout。Willanybodyhaveanymore?Letusgoupstairs，andgetacupofteafromtheladies。
　　OGRES。
　　Idaresaythereaderhasremarkedthattheuprightandindependentvowel，whichstandsinthevowel-listbetweenEandO，hasformedthesubjectofthemainpartoftheseessays。Howdoesthatvowelfeelthismorning?——fresh，good-humored，andlively?TheRoundaboutlines，whichfallfromthispen，arecorrespondinglybriskandcheerful。Hasanything，onthecontrary，disagreedwiththevowel?
　　Hasitsrestbeendisturbed，orwasyesterday'sdinnertoogood，oryesterday'swinenotgoodenough?Undersuchcircumstances，adarkling，misanthropictinge，nodoubt，iscastuponthepaper。Thejokes，ifattempted，areelaborateanddreary。Thebittertemperbreaksout。Thatsneeringmannerisadopted，whichyouknow，andwhichexhibitsitselfsoespeciallywhenthewriterisspeakingaboutwomen。Amoodycarelessnesscomesoverhim。Heseesnogoodinanybodyorthing:andtreatsgentlemen，ladies，history，andthingsingeneral，withalikegloomyflippancy。Agreed。Whenthevowelinquestionisinthatmood，ifyoulikeairygayetyandtendergushingbenevolence——ifyouwanttobesatisfiedwithyourselfandtherestofyourfellow-beings；Irecommendyou，mydearcreature，togotosomeothershopinCornhill，orturntosomeotherarticle。Therearemoodsinthemindofthevowelofwhichwearespeaking，whenitisill-conditionedandcaptious。Whoalwayskeepsgoodhealth，andgoodhumor?Donotphilosophersgrumble?
　　Arenotsagessometimesoutoftemper?anddonotangel-womengooffintantrums?To-daymymoodisdark。IscowlasIdipmypenintheinkstand。
　　Hereisthedaycomeround——foreverythinghereisdonewiththeutmostregularity:——intellectuallabor，sixteenhours；meals，thirty-twominutes；exercise，ahundredandforty-eightminutes；
　　conversationwiththefamily，chieflyliterary，andaboutthehousekeeping，onehourandfourminutes；sleep，threehoursandfifteenminutesattheendofthemonth，whentheMagazineiscomplete，IownItakeeightminutesmore；andtherestforthetoiletteandtheworld。Well，Isay，theRoundaboutPaperDaybeingcome，andthesubjectlongsincesettledinmymind，anexcellentsubject——amosttelling，lively，andpopularsubject——Igotobreakfastdeterminedtofinishthatmealin93/4minutes，asusual，andthenretiretomydeskandwork，when——oh，provoking！——hereinthepaperistheverysubjecttreated，onwhichIwasgoingtowrite！YesterdayanotherpaperwhichIsawtreatedit——andofcourse，asIneednottellyou，spoiledit。LastSaturday，anotherpaperhadanarticleonthesubject；perhapsyoumayguesswhatitwas——butIwon'ttellyou。Onlythisistrue，myfavoritesubject，whichwasabouttomakethebestpaperwehavehadforalongtime:
　　mybird，mygamethatIwasgoingtoshootandserveupwithsuchadelicatesauce，hasbeenfoundbyothersportsmen；andpop，pop，pop，ahalf-dozenofgunshavebangedatit，mangledit，andbroughtitdown。
　　“Andcan'tyoutakesomeothertext?“sayyou。Allthisismightywell。Butifyouhavesetyourheartonacertaindishfordinner，beitcoldboiledveal，orwhatyouwill，andtheybringyouturtleandvenison，don'tyoufeeldisappointed?Duringyourwalkyouhavebeenmakingupyourmindthatthatcoldmeat，withmoderationandapickle，willbeaverysufficientdinner:youhaveaccustomedyourthoughtstoit；andhere，inplaceofit，isaturkey，surroundedbycoarsesausages，orareekingpigeon-pieorafulsomeroast-pig。I
　　haveknownmanyagoodandkindmanmadefuriouslyangrybysuchacontretemps。Ihaveknownhimlosehistemper，callhiswifeandservantsnames，andawholehouseholdmademiserable。If，then，asisnotoriouslythecase，itistoodangeroustobalkamanabouthisdinner，howmuchmoreabouthisarticle?Icametomymealwithanogre-likeappetiteandgusto。Fee，faw，fum！Wife，whereisthattenderlittlePrincekin?Haveyoutrussedhim，anddidyoustuffhimnicely，andhaveyoutakencaretobastehimanddohim，nottoobrown，asItoldyou?Quick！Iamhungry！Ibegintowhetmyknife，torollmyeyesabout，androarandclapmyhugechestlikeagorilla；andthenmypoorOgrinahastotellmethatthelittleprinceshaveallrunaway，whilstshewasinthekitchen，makingthepastetobakethemin！Ipauseinthedescription。Iwon'tcondescendtoreportthebadlanguage，whichyouknowmustensue，whenanogre，whosemindisillregulated，andwhosehabitsofself-
　　indulgencearenotorious，findshimselfdisappointedofhisgreedyhopes。Whattreatmentofhiswife，whatabuseandbrutalbehaviortohischildren，who，thoughogrillons，arechildren！Mydears，youmayfancy，andneednotaskmydelicatepentodescribe，thelanguageandbehaviorofavulgar，coarse，greedy，largemanwithanimmensemouthandteeth，whicharetoofrequentlyemployedinthegobblingandcrunchingofrawman'smeat。
　　AndinthiscircuitouswayyouseeIhavereachedmypresentsubject，whichis，Ogres。Youfancytheyaredeadoronlyfictitiouscharacters——mythicalrepresentativesofstrength，cruelty，stupidity，andlustforblood?Thoughtheyhadseven-
　　leaguedboots，yourememberallsortsoflittlewhipping-snappingTomThumbsusedtoeludeandoutrunthem。Theyweresostupidthattheygaveintothemostshallowambuscadesandartifices:witnessthatwell-knownogre，who，becauseJackcutopenthehasty-pudding，instantlyrippedopenhisownstupidwaistcoatandinterior。Theywerecruel，brutal，disgusting，withtheirsharpenedteeth，immenseknives，androaringvoices！buttheyalwaysendedbybeingovercomebylittleTomThumbkins，orsomeothersmartlittlechampion。
　　Yes；theywereconqueredintheendthereisnodoubt。TheyplungedheadlongandutteringthemostfrightfulbadlanguageintosomepitwhereJackcamewithhissmartcouteaudechasseandwhippedtheirbrutalheadsoff。Theywouldbegoingtodevourmaidens，“ButeverwhenitseemedTheirneedwasatthesorest，Aknight，inarmorbright，Cameridingthroughtheforest。”
　　Anddown，afteracombat，wouldgothebrutalpersecutor，withalancethroughhismidriff。Yes，Isay，thisisverytrueandwell。
　　Butyourememberthatroundtheogre'scavethegroundwascovered，forhundredsandhundredsofyards，WITHTHEBONESOFTHEVICTIMS
　　whomhehadluredintothecastle。Manyknightsandmaidscametohimandperishedunderhisknifeandteeth。Weredragonsthesameasogres?monstersdwellingincaverns，whencetheyrushed，attiredinplatearmor，wieldingpikesandtorches，anddestroyingstraypassengerswhopassedbytheirlair?Monsters，brutes，rapacioustyrants，ruffians，astheywere，doubtlesstheyendedbybeingovercome。But，beforetheyweredestroyed，theydidadealofmischief。Thebonesroundtheircaveswerecountless。TheyhadsentmanybravesoulstoHades，beforetheirownfled，howlingoutoftheirrascalcarcasses，tothesameplaceofgloom。
　　Thereisnogreatermistakethantosupposethatfairies，champions，distresseddamsels，andbyconsequenceogres，haveceasedtoexist。
　　ItmaynotbeOGREABLEtothempardonthehorriblepleasantry，butasIamwritinginthesolitudeofmychamber，Iamgrindingmyteeth——yelling，roaring，andcursing——brandishingmyscissorsandpaper-cutter，andasitwere，havebecomeanogre。Isaythereisnogreatermistakethantosupposethatogreshaveceasedtoexist。
　　WeallKNOWogres。Theircavernsareroundus，andaboutus。TherearethecastlesofseveralogreswithinamileofthespotwhereI
　　write。IthinksomeofthemsuspectIamanogremyself。Iamnot:
　　butIknowtheyare。Ivisitthem。Idon'tmeantosaythattheytakeacoldroastprinceoutofthecupboard，andhaveacannibalfeastbeforeME。ButIseetheboneslyingabouttheroadstotheirhouses，andintheareasandgardens。Politeness，ofcourse，preventsmefrommakinganyremarks；butIknowthemwellenough。
　　Oneofthewaystoknow'emistowatchthescaredlooksoftheogres'wivesandchildren。Theyleadanawfullife。Theyarepresentatdreadfulcruelties。Intheirexcessesthoseogreswillstababout，andkillnotonlystrangerswhohappentocallinandaskanight'slodging，buttheywilloutrage，murder，andchopuptheirownkin。Weallknowogres，Isay，andhavebeenintheirdensoften。ItisnotnecessarythatogreswhoaskyoutodineshouldoffertheirgueststhePECULIARDISHwhichtheylike。TheycannotalwaysgetaTomThumbfamily。Theyeatmuttonandbeeftoo；
　　andIdaresayevengoouttotea，andinviteyoutodrinkit。ButItellyoutherearenumbersofthemgoingaboutintheworld。Andnowyouhavemywordforit，andthislittlehint，itisquitecuriouswhataninterestsocietymaybemadetohaveforyou，byyourdeterminingtofindouttheogresyoumeetthere。
　　Whatdoesthemanmean?saysMrs。Downright，towhomajokeisaverygravething。Imean，madam，thatinthecompanyassembledinyourgenteeldrawing-room，whobowhereandthereandsmirkinwhiteneck-cloths，youreceivemenwhoelbowthroughlifesuccessfullyenough，butwhoareogresinprivate:menwicked，false，rapacious，flattering；cruelhectorsathome，smilingcourtiersabroad；causingwives，children，servants，parents，totremblebeforethem，andsmilingandbowingastheybidstrangerswelcomeintotheircastles。
　　Isay，therearemenwhohavecrunchedthebonesofvictimaftervictim；inwhoseclosetslieskeletonspickedfrightfullyclean。