’It’sWisbottleandsomebody，I’llswear，’exclaimedtheradicalin，anenergeticwhisper，whentheyhadlistenedforafewmoments。
’Hush-praylet’shearwhattheysay！’exclaimedMrs。Tibbs，the，gratificationofwhosecuriositywasnowparamounttoeveryother，consideration。
’Ah！ifIcouldbutbelieveyou，’saidafemalevoicecoquettishly，’I’dbeboundtosettlemymissisforlife。’
’Whatdoesshesay？’inquiredMr。Evenson，whowasnotquiteso，wellsituatedashiscompanion。
’Shesaysshe’llsettlehermissis’slife，’repliedMrs。Tibbs。
’Thewretch！they’replottingmurder。’
’Iknowyouwantmoney，’continuedthevoice，whichbelongedto，Agnes;’andifyou’dsecuremethefivehundredpound，Iwarrant，sheshouldtakefiresoonenough。’
’What’sthat？’inquiredEvensonagain。Hecouldjusthearenough，towanttohearmore。
’Ithinkshesaysshe’llsetthehouseonfire，’repliedthe，affrightedMrs。Tibbs。’ButthankGodI’minsuredinthePhoenix！’
’ThemomentIhavesecuredyourmistress，mydear，’saidaman’s，voiceinastrongIrishbrogue，’youmaydependonhavingthe，money。’
’Blessmysoul，it’sMr。O’Bleary！’exclaimedMrs。Tibbs，ina，parenthesis。
’Thevillain！’saidtheindignantMr。Evenson。
’Thefirstthingtobedone，’continuedtheHibernian，’isto，poisonMr。Gobler’smind。’
’Oh，certainly，’returnedAgnes。
’What’sthat？’inquiredEvensonagain，inanagonyofcuriosityand，awhisper。
’Hesaysshe’stomindandpoisonMr。Gobler，’repliedMrs。Tibbs，aghastatthissacrificeofhumanlife。
’AndinregardofMrs。Tibbs，’continuedO’Bleary-Mrs。Tibbs，shuddered。
’Hush！’exclaimedAgnes，inatoneofthegreatestalarm，justas，Mrs。Tibbswasontheextremevergeofafaintingfit。’Hush！’
’Hush！’exclaimedEvenson，atthesamemomenttoMrs。Tibbs。
’There’ssomebodycomingUP-stairs，’saidAgnestoO’Bleary。
’There’ssomebodycomingDOWN-stairs，’whisperedEvensontoMrs。
Tibbs。
’Gointotheparlour，sir，’saidAgnestohercompanion。’Youwill，getthere，beforewhoeveritis，getstothetopofthekitchen，stairs。’
’Thedrawing-room，Mrs。Tibbs！’whisperedtheastonishedEvensonto，hisequallyastonishedcompanion;andforthedrawing-roomthey，bothmade，plainlyhearingtherustlingoftwopersons，onecoming，down-stairs，andonecomingup。
’Whatcanitbe？’exclaimedMrs。Tibbs。’It’slikeadream。I
wouldn’tbefoundinthissituationfortheworld！’
’NorI，’returnedEvenson，whocouldneverbearajokeathisown，expense。’Hush！heretheyareatthedoor。’
’Whatfun！’whisperedoneofthenew-comers-ItwasWisbottle。
’Glorious！’repliedhiscompanion，inanequallylowtone-This，wasAlfredTomkins。’Whowouldhavethoughtit？’
’Itoldyouso，’saidWisbottle，inamostknowingwhisper。’Lord，blessyou，hehaspaidhermostextraordinaryattentionforthe，lasttwomonths。Isaw’emwhenIwassittingatthepianoto-
night。’
’Well，doyouknowIdidn’tnoticeit？’interruptedTomkins。
’Notnoticeit！’continuedWisbottle。’Blessyou;Isawhim，whisperingtoher，andshecrying;andthenI’llswearIheardhim，saysomethingaboutto-nightwhenwewereallinbed。’
’They’retalkingofUS！’exclaimedtheagonisedMrs。Tibbs，asthe，painfulsuspicion，andasenseoftheirsituation，flasheduponher，mind。
’Iknowit-Iknowit，’repliedEvenson，withamelancholy，consciousnessthattherewasnomodeofescape。
’What’stobedone？wecannotbothstophere！’ejaculatedMrs。
Tibbs，inastateofpartialderangement。
’I’llgetupthechimney，’repliedEvenson，whoreallymeantwhat，hesaid。
’Youcan’t，’saidMrs。Tibbs，indespair。’Youcan’t-，it’sa，registerstove。’
’Hush！’repeatedJohnEvenson。
’Hush-hush！’criedsomebodydown-stairs。
’Whatad-dhushing！’saidAlfredTomkins，whobegantogetrather，bewildered。
’Theretheyare！’exclaimedthesapientWisbottle，asarustling，noisewasheardinthestore-room。
’Hark！’whisperedboththeyoungmen。
’Hark！’repeatedMrs。TibbsandEvenson。
’Letmealone，sir，’saidafemalevoiceinthestore-room。
’Oh，Hagnes！’criedanothervoice，whichclearlybelongedtoTibbs，fornobodyelseeverownedonelikeit，’Oh，Hagnes-lovely，creature！’
’Bequiet，sir！’，Abounce。
’Hag-’
’Bequiet，sir-Iamashamedofyou。Thinkofyourwife，Mr。
Tibbs。Bequiet，sir！’
’Mywife！’exclaimedthevalorousTibbs，whowasclearlyunderthe，influenceofgin-and-water，andamisplacedattachment;’Iateher！
Oh，Hagnes！whenIwasinthevolunteercorps，ineighteenhundred，and-’
’IdeclareI’llscream。Bequiet，sir，willyou？’，Anotherbounce，andascuffle。
’What’sthat？’exclaimedTibbs，withastart。
’What’swhat？’saidAgnes，stoppingshort。
’Whythat！’
’Ah！youhavedoneitnicelynow，sir，’sobbedthefrightened，Agnes，asatappingwasheardatMrs。Tibbs’sbedroomdoor，which，wouldhavebeatenanydozenwoodpeckershollow。
’Mrs。Tibbs！，Mrs。Tibbs！’calledoutMrs。Bloss。’Mrs。Tibbs，praygetup。’，Heretheimitationofawoodpeckerwasresumedwith，tenfoldviolence。
’Oh，dear-dear！’exclaimedthewretchedpartnerofthedepraved，Tibbs。’She’sknockingatmydoor。Wemustbediscovered！，What，willtheythink？’
’Mrs。Tibbs！，Mrs。Tibbs！’screamedthewoodpeckeragain。
’What’sthematter！’shoutedGobler，burstingoutoftheback，drawing-room，likethedragonatAstley’s。
’Oh，Mr。Gobler！’criedMrs。Bloss，withaproperapproximationto，hysterics;’Ithinkthehouseisonfire，orelsethere’sthieves，init。Ihaveheardthemostdreadfulnoises！’
’Thedevilyouhave！’shoutedGobleragain，bouncingbackintohis，den，inhappyimitationoftheaforesaiddragon，andreturning，immediatelywithalightedcandle。’Why，what’sthis？，Wisbottle！
Tomkins！，O’Bleary！，Agnes！，Whatthedeuce！allupanddressed？’
’Astonishing！’saidMrs。Bloss，whohadrundown-stairs，andtaken，Mr。Gobler’sarm。
’CallMrs。Tibbsdirectly，somebody，’saidGobler，turningintothe，frontdrawing-room-’What！，Mrs。TibbsandMr。Evenson！！’
’Mrs。TibbsandMr。Evenson！’repeatedeverybody，asthatunhappy，pairwerediscovered：，Mrs。Tibbsseatedinanarm-chairbythe，fireplace，andMr。Evensonstandingbyherside，Wemustleavethescenethatensuedtothereader’simagination。
Wecouldtell，howMrs。Tibbsforthwithfaintedaway，andhowit，requiredtheunitedstrengthofMr。WisbottleandMr。Alfred，Tomkinstoholdherinherchair;howMr。Evensonexplained，and，howhisexplanationwasevidentlydisbelieved;howAgnesrepelled，theaccusationsofMrs。Tibbsbyprovingthatshewasnegotiating，withMr。O’Blearytoinfluencehermistress’saffectionsinhis，behalf;andhowMr。Goblerthrewadampcounterpaneonthehopesof，Mr。O’BlearybyavowingthatheGoblerhadalreadyproposedto，andbeenacceptedby，Mrs。Bloss;howAgneswasdischargedfrom，thatlady’sservice;howMr。O’BlearydischargedhimselffromMrs。
Tibbs’shouse，withoutgoingthroughtheformofpreviously，discharginghisbill;andhowthatdisappointedyounggentleman，railsagainstEnglandandtheEnglish，andvowsthereisnovirtue，orfinefeelingextant，’exceptinIreland。’，Werepeatthatwe，COULDtellallthis，butwelovetoexerciseourself-denial，and，wethereforepreferleavingittobeimagined。
TheladywhomwehavehithertodescribedasMrs。Bloss，isnomore。
Mrs。Goblerexists：，Mrs。Blosshasleftusforever。Ina，secludedretreatinNewingtonButts，far，farremovedfromthe，noisystrifeofthatgreatboarding-house，theworld，theenviable，Goblerandhispleasingwiferevelinretirement：，happyintheir，complaints，theirtable，andtheirmedicine，waftedthroughlifeby，thegratefulprayersofallthepurveyorsofanimalfoodwithin，threemilesround。
Wewouldwillinglystophere，butwehaveapainfuldutyimposed，uponus，whichwemustdischarge。Mr。andMrs。Tibbshave，separatedbymutualconsent，Mrs。Tibbsreceivingonemoietyof，43L。15S。10D。whichwebeforestatedtobetheamountofher，husband’sannualincome，andMr。Tibbstheother。Heisspending，theeveningofhisdaysinretirement;andheisspendingalso，annually，thatsmallbuthonourableindependence。Heresidesamong，theoriginalsettlersatWalworth;andithasbeenstated，on，unquestionableauthority，thattheconclusionofthevolunteer，storyhasbeenheardinasmalltaverninthatrespectable，neighbourhood。
TheunfortunateMrs。Tibbshasdeterminedtodisposeofthewhole，ofherfurniturebypublicauction，andtoretirefromaresidence，inwhichshehassufferedsomuch。Mr。Robinshasbeenappliedto，toconductthesale，andthetranscendentabilitiesoftheliterary，gentlemenconnectedwithhisestablishmentarenowdevotedtothe，taskofdrawingupthepreliminaryadvertisement。Itisto，contain，amongavarietyofbrilliantmatter，seventy-eightwords，inlargecapitals，andsixoriginalquotationsininvertedcommas。
CHAPTERII-MR。MINNSANDHISCOUSIN
Mr。AugustusMinnswasabachelor，ofaboutfortyashesaid-of，abouteight-and-fortyashisfriendssaid。Hewasalways，exceedinglyclean，precise，andtidy;perhapssomewhatpriggish，andthemostretiringmanintheworld。Heusuallyworeabrown，frock-coatwithoutawrinkle，lightinexplicableswithoutaspot，a，neatneckerchiefwitharemarkablyneattie，andbootswithouta，fault;moreover，healwayscarriedabrownsilkumbrellawithan，ivoryhandle。HewasaclerkinSomerset-house，or，ashesaid，himself，heheld’aresponsiblesituationunderGovernment。’，He，hadagoodandincreasingsalary，inadditiontosome10，000L。of，hisowninvestedinthefunds，andheoccupiedafirstfloorin，Tavistock-street，Covent-garden，wherehehadresidedfortwenty，years，havingbeeninthehabitofquarrellingwithhislandlord，thewholetime：，regularlygivingnoticeofhisintentiontoquit，onthefirstdayofeveryquarter，andasregularlycountermanding，itonthesecond。Thereweretwoclassesofcreatedobjectswhich，heheldinthedeepestandmostunmingledhorror;theseweredogs，andchildren。Hewasnotunamiable，buthecould，atanytime，haveviewedtheexecutionofadog，ortheassassinationofan，infant，withtheliveliestsatisfaction。Theirhabitswereat，variancewithhisloveoforder;andhisloveoforderwasas，powerfulashisloveoflife。Mr。AugustusMinnshadnorelations，inornearLondon，withtheexceptionofhiscousin，Mr。Octavius，Budden，towhoseson，whomhehadneverseenforhedislikedthe，father，hehadconsentedtobecomegodfatherbyproxy。Mr。Budden，havingrealisedamoderatefortunebyexercisingthetradeor，callingofacorn-chandler，andhavingagreatpredilectionforthe，country，hadpurchasedacottageinthevicinityofStamford-hill，whitherheretiredwiththewifeofhisbosom，andhisonlyson，MasterAlexanderAugustusBudden。Oneevening，asMr。andMrs。B。
wereadmiringtheirson，discussinghisvariousmerits，talking，overhiseducation，anddisputingwhethertheclassicsshouldbe，madeanessentialpartthereof，theladypressedsostronglyupon，herhusbandtheproprietyofcultivatingthefriendshipofMr。
Minnsinbehalfoftheirson，thatMr。Buddenatlastmadeuphis，mind，thatitshouldnotbehisfaultifheandhiscousinwerenot，infuturemoreintimate。
’I’llbreaktheice，mylove，’saidMr。Budden，stirringupthe，sugaratthebottomofhisglassofbrandy-and-water，andcastinga，sidelonglookathisspousetoseetheeffectoftheannouncement，ofhisdetermination，’byaskingMinnsdowntodinewithus，on，Sunday。’
’Thenpray，Budden，writetoyourcousinatonce，’repliedMrs。
Budden。’Whoknows，ifwecouldonlygethimdownhere，buthe，mighttakeafancytoourAlexander，andleavehimhisproperty？-
Alick，mydear，takeyourlegsofftherailofthechair！’
’Verytrue，’saidMr。Budden，musing，’verytrueindeed，mylove！’
Onthefollowingmorning，asMr。Minnswassittingathis，breakfast-table，alternatelybitinghisdrytoastandcastinga，lookuponthecolumnsofhismorningpaper，whichhealwaysread，fromthetitletotheprinter’sname，heheardaloudknockatthe，street-door;whichwasshortlyafterwardsfollowedbytheentrance，ofhisservant，whoputintohishandsaparticularlysmallcard，onwhichwasengraveninimmenseletters，’Mr。OctaviusBudden，AmeliaCottageMrs。B。’snamewasAmelia，Poplar-walk，Stamford-
hill。’
’Budden！’ejaculatedMinns，’whatcanbringthatvulgarmanhere！-
sayI’masleep-sayI’mout，andshallneverbehomeagain-
anythingtokeephimdown-stairs。’
’Butplease，sir，thegentleman’scomingup，’repliedtheservant，andthefactwasmadeevident，byanappallingcreakingofbootson，thestaircaseaccompaniedbyapatteringnoise;thecauseofwhich，Minnscouldnot，forthelifeofhim，divine。
’Hem-showthegentlemanin，’saidtheunfortunatebachelor。Exit，servant，andenterOctaviusprecededbyalargewhitedog，dressed，inasuitoffleecyhosiery，withpinkeyes，largeears，andno，perceptibletail。
Thecauseofthepatteringonthestairswasbuttooplain。Mr。
AugustusMinnsstaggeredbeneaththeshockofthedog’sappearance。
’Mydearfellow，howareyou？’saidBudden，asheentered。
Healwaysspokeatthetopofhisvoice，andalwayssaidthesame，thinghalf-a-dozentimes。
’Howareyou，myhearty？’
’Howdoyoudo，Mr。Budden？-praytakeachair！’politely，stammeredthediscomfitedMinns。
’Thankyou-thankyou-well-howareyou，eh？’
’Uncommonlywell，thankyou，’saidMinns，castingadiabolicallook，atthedog，who，withhishindlegsonthefloor，andhisforepaws，restingonthetable，wasdraggingabitofbreadandbutteroutof，aplate，preparatorytodevouringit，withthebutteredsidenext，thecarpet。
’Ah，yourogue！’saidBuddentohisdog;’yousee，Minns，he’slike，me，alwaysathome，eh，myboy！-Egad，I’mprecioushotand，hungry！，I’vewalkedallthewayfromStamford-hillthismorning。’
’Haveyoubreakfasted？’inquiredMinns。
’Oh，no！-cametobreakfastwithyou;soringthebell，mydear，fellow，willyou？andlet’shaveanothercupandsaucer，andthe，coldham-Makemyselfathome，yousee！’continuedBudden，dustinghisbootswithatable-napkin。’Ha！-ha！-ha！，-’ponmy，life，I’mhungry。’
Minnsrangthebell，andtriedtosmile。
’Idecidedlyneverwassohotinmylife，’continuedOctavius，wipinghisforehead;’well，buthowareyou，Minns？，’Ponmysoul，youwearcapitally！’
’D’yethinkso？’saidMinns;andhetriedanothersmile。
’’Ponmylife，Ido！’
’Mrs。B。and-what’shisname-quitewell？’
’Alick-myson，youmean;neverbetter-neverbetter。Butat，suchaplaceaswe’vegotatPoplar-walk，youknow，hecouldn’tbe，illifhetried。WhenIfirstsawit，byJove！itlookedso，knowing，withthefrontgarden，andthegreenrailingsandthe，brassknocker，andallthat-Ireallythoughtitwasacutabove，me。’
’Don’tyouthinkyou’dlikethehambetter，’interruptedMinns，’if，youcutittheotherway？’，Hesaw，withfeelingswhichitis，impossibletodescribe，thathisvisitorwascuttingorrather，maimingtheham，inutterviolationofallestablishedrules。
’No，thankye，’returnedBudden，withthemostbarbarous，indifferencetocrime，’Ipreferitthisway，iteatsshort。ButI
say，Minns，whenwillyoucomedownandseeus？，Youwillbe，delightedwiththeplace;Iknowyouwill。AmeliaandIwere，talkingaboutyoutheothernight，andAmeliasaid-anotherlump，ofsugar，please;thankye-shesaid，don’tyouthinkyoucould，contrive，mydear，tosaytoMr。Minns，inafriendlyway-come，down，sir-damnthedog！he’sspoilingyourcurtains，Minns-ha！-
ha！-ha！’，Minnsleapedfromhisseatasthoughhehadreceived，thedischargefromagalvanicbattery。
’Comeout，sir！-goout，hoo！’criedpoorAugustus，keeping，nevertheless，ataveryrespectfuldistancefromthedog;having，readofacaseofhydrophobiainthepaperofthatmorning。By，dintofgreatexertion，muchshouting，andamarvellousdealof，pokingunderthetableswithastickandumbrella，thedogwasat，lastdislodged，andplacedonthelandingoutsidethedoor，where，heimmediatelycommencedamostappallinghowling;atthesametime，vehementlyscratchingthepaintoffthetwonicely-varnishedbottom，panels，untiltheyresembledtheinteriorofabackgammon-board。
’Agooddogforthecountrythat！’coollyobservedBuddentothe，distractedMinns，’buthe’snotmuchusedtoconfinement。Butnow，Minns，whenwillyoucomedown？，I’lltakenodenial，positively。
Let’ssee，to-day’sThursday-WillyoucomeonSunday？，Wedine，atfive，don’tsayno-do。’
Afteragreatdealofpressing，Mr。AugustusMinns，drivento，despair，acceptedtheinvitation，andpromisedtobeatPoplar-walk，ontheensuingSunday，ataquarterbeforefivetotheminute。
’Nowmindthedirection，’saidBudden：，’thecoachgoesfromthe，Flower-pot，inBishopsgate-street，everyhalfhour。Whenthecoach，stopsattheSwan，you’llsee，immediatelyoppositeyou，awhite，house。’
’Whichisyourhouse-Iunderstand，’saidMinns，wishingtocut，shortthevisit，andthestory，atthesametime。
’No，no，that’snotmine;that’sGrogus’s，thegreatironmonger’s。
Iwasgoingtosay-youturndownbythesideofthewhitehouse，tillyoucan’tgoanotherstepfurther-mindthat！-andthenyou，turntoyourright，bysomestables-well;closetoyou，you’ll，seeawallwith“BewareoftheDog“writtenonitinlargeletters，-Minnsshuddered-goalongbythesideofthatwallforabouta，quarterofamile-andanybodywillshowyouwhichismyplace。’
’Verywell-thankye-good-bye。’
’Bepunctual。’
’Certainly：，goodmorning。’
’Isay，Minns，you’vegotacard。’
’Yes，Ihave;thankye。’，AndMr。OctaviusBuddendeparted，leaving，hiscousinlookingforwardtohisvisitonthefollowingSunday，withthefeelingsofapennilesspoettotheweeklyvisitofhis，Scotchlandlady。
Sundayarrived;theskywasbrightandclear;crowdsofpeoplewere，hurryingalongthestreets，intentontheirdifferentschemesof，pleasurefortheday;everythingandeverybodylookedcheerfuland，happyexceptMr。AugustusMinns。
Thedaywasfine，buttheheatwasconsiderable;whenMr。Minnshad，faggeduptheshadysideofFleet-street，Cheapside，and，Threadneedle-street，hehadbecomeprettywarm，tolerablydusty，anditwasgettinglateintothebargain。Bythemost，extraordinarygoodfortune，however，acoachwaswaitingatthe，Flower-pot，intowhichMr。AugustusMinnsgot，onthesolemn，assuranceofthecadthatthevehiclewouldstartinthreeminutes，-thatbeingtheveryutmostextremityoftimeitwasallowedto，waitbyActofParliament。Aquarterofanhourelapsed，andthere，werenosignsofmoving。Minnslookedathiswatchforthesixth，time。
’Coachman，areyougoingornot？’bawledMr。Minns，withhishead，andhalfhisbodyoutofthecoachwindow。
’Di-rectly，sir，’saidthecoachman，withhishandsinhispockets，lookingasmuchunlikeamaninahurryaspossible。
’Bill，takethemclothsoff。’，Fiveminutesmoreelapsed：，atthe，endofwhichtimethecoachmanmountedthebox，fromwhencehe，lookeddownthestreet，andupthestreet，andhailedallthe，pedestriansforanotherfiveminutes。
’Coachman！ifyoudon’tgothismoment，Ishallgetout，’saidMr。
Minns，rendereddesperatebythelatenessofthehour，andthe，impossibilityofbeinginPoplar-walkattheappointedtime。
’Goingthisminute，sir，’wasthereply;-and，accordingly，the，machinetrundledonforacoupleofhundredyards，andthenstopped，again。Minnsdoubledhimselfupinacornerofthecoach，and，abandonedhimselftohisfate，asachild，amother，abandboxand，aparasol，becamehisfellow-passengers。
Thechildwasanaffectionateandanamiableinfant;thelittle，dearmistookMinnsforhisotherparent，andscreamedtoembrace，him。
’Bequiet，dear，’saidthemamma，restrainingtheimpetuosityof，thedarling，whoselittlefatlegswerekicking，andstamping，and，twiningthemselvesintothemostcomplicatedforms，inanecstasy，ofimpatience。’Bequiet，dear，that’snotyourpapa。’
’ThankHeavenIamnot！’thoughtMinns，asthefirstgleamof，pleasurehehadexperiencedthatmorningshonelikeameteor，throughhiswretchedness。
Playfulnesswasagreeablymingledwithaffectioninthedisposition，oftheboy。WhensatisfiedthatMr。Minnswasnothisparent，he，endeavouredtoattracthisnoticebyscrapinghisdrabtrousers，withhisdirtyshoes，pokinghischestwithhismamma’sparasol，andothernamelessendearmentspeculiartoinfancy，withwhichhe，beguiledthetediousnessoftheride，apparentlyverymuchtohis，ownsatisfaction。
WhentheunfortunategentlemanarrivedattheSwan，hefoundtohis，greatdismay，thatitwasaquarterpastfive。Thewhitehouse，thestables，the’BewareoftheDog，’-everylandmarkwaspassed，witharapiditynotunusualtoagentlemanofacertainagewhen，toolatefordinner。Afterthelapseofafewminutes，Mr。Minns，foundhimselfoppositeayellowbrickhousewithagreendoor，brassknocker，anddoor-plate，greenwindow-framesandditto，railings，with’agarden’infront，thatistosay，asmallloose，bitofgravelledground，withoneroundandtwoscalenetriangular，beds，containingafir-tree，twentyorthirtybulbs，andan，unlimitednumberofmarigolds。ThetasteofMr。andMrs。Budden，wasfurtherdisplayedbytheappearanceofaCupidoneachsideof，thedoor，percheduponaheapoflargechalkflints，variegated，withpinkconch-shells。Hisknockatthedoorwasansweredbya，stumpyboy，indrablivery，cottonstockingsandhigh-lows，who，afterhanginghishatononeofthedozenbrasspegswhich，ornamentedthepassage，denominatedbycourtesy’TheHall，’ushered，himintoafrontdrawing-roomcommandingaveryextensiveviewof，thebacksoftheneighbouringhouses。Theusualceremonyof，introduction，andsoforth，over，Mr。Minnstookhisseat：，nota，littleagitatedatfindingthathewasthelastcomer，and，somehow，orother，theLionofaboutadozenpeople，sittingtogetherina，smalldrawing-room，gettingridofthatmosttediousofalltime，thetimeprecedingdinner。
’Well，Brogson，’saidBudden，addressinganelderlygentlemanina，blackcoat，drabknee-breeches，andlonggaiters，who，under，pretenceofinspectingtheprintsinanAnnual，hadbeenengagedin，satisfyinghimselfonthesubjectofMr。Minns’sgeneral，appearance，bylookingathimoverthetopsoftheleaves-’Well，Brogson，whatdoministersmeantodo？，Willtheygoout，orwhat？’
’Oh-why-really，youknow，I’mthelastpersonintheworldto，askfornews。Yourcousin，fromhissituation，isthemostlikely，persontoanswerthequestion。’
Mr。Minnsassuredthelastspeaker，thatalthoughhewasin，Somerset-house，hepossessednoofficialcommunicationrelativeto，theprojectsofhisMajesty’sMinisters。Buthisremarkwas，evidentlyreceivedincredulously;andnofurtherconjecturesbeing，hazardedonthesubject，alongpauseensued，duringwhichthe，companyoccupiedthemselvesincoughingandblowingtheirnoses，untiltheentranceofMrs。Buddencausedageneralrise。
Theceremonyofintroductionbeingover，dinnerwasannounced，and，down-stairsthepartyproceededaccordingly-Mr。Minnsescorting，Mrs。Buddenasfarasthedrawing-roomdoor，butbeingprevented，bythenarrownessofthestaircase，fromextendinghisgallantry，anyfarther。Thedinnerpassedoffassuchdinnersusuallydo。
Everandanon，amidsttheclatterofknivesandforks，andthehum，ofconversation，Mr。B。’svoicemightbeheard，askingafriendto，takewine，andassuringhimhewasgladtoseehim;andagreat，dealofby-playtookplacebetweenMrs。B。andtheservants，respectingtheremovalofthedishes，duringwhichhercountenance，assumedallthevariationsofaweather-glass，from’stormy’to，’setfair。’
Uponthedessertandwinebeingplacedonthetable，theservant，incompliancewithasignificantlookfromMrs。B。broughtdown，’MasterAlexander，’habitedinasky-bluesuitwithsilverbuttons;
andpossessinghairofnearlythesamecolourasthemetal。After，sundrypraisesfromhismother，andvariousadmonitionsastohis，behaviourfromhisfather，hewasintroducedtohisgodfather。
’Well，mylittlefellow-youareafineboy，ain’tyou？’saidMr。
Minns，ashappyasatomtitonbirdlime。
’Yes。’
’Howoldareyou？’
’Eight，nextWe’nsday。HowoldareYOU？’
’Alexander，’interruptedhismother，’howdareyouaskMr。Minns，howoldheis！’
’HeaskedmehowoldIwas，’saidtheprecociouschild，towhom，Minnshadfromthatmomentinternallyresolvedthatheneverwould，bequeathoneshilling。Assoonasthetitteroccasionedbythe，observationhadsubsided，alittlesmirkingmanwithredwhiskers，sittingatthebottomofthetable，whoduringthewholeofdinner，hadbeenendeavouringtoobtainalistenertosomestoriesabout，Sheridan，called，out，withaverypatronisingair，’Alick，what，partofspeechisBE。’
’Averb。’
’That’sagoodboy，’saidMrs。Budden，withallamother’spride。
’Now，youknowwhataverbis？’
’Averbisawordwhichsignifiestobe，todo，ortosuffer;as，I
am-Irule-Iamruled。Givemeanapple，Ma。’
’I’llgiveyouanapple，’repliedthemanwiththeredwhiskers，whowasanestablishedfriendofthefamily，orinotherwordswas，alwaysinvitedbyMrs。Budden，whetherMr。Budden，likeditornot，’ifyou’lltellmewhatisthemeaningofBE。’
’Be？’saidtheprodigy，afteralittlehesitation-’aninsectthat，gathershoney。’
’No，dear，’frownedMrs。Budden;’BdoubleEisthesubstantive。’
’Idon’tthinkheknowsmuchyetaboutCOMMONsubstantives，’said，thesmirkinggentleman，whothoughtthisanadmirableopportunity，forlettingoffajoke。’It’sclearhe’snotverywellacquainted，withPROPERNAMES。He！he！he！’
’Gentlemen，’calledoutMr。Budden，fromtheendofthetable，ina，stentorianvoice，andwithaveryimportantair，’willyouhavethe，goodnesstochargeyourglasses？，Ihaveatoasttopropose。’
’Hear！hear！’criedthegentlemen，passingthedecanters。After，theyhadmadetheroundofthetable，Mr。Buddenproceeded-
’Gentlemen;thereisanindividualpresent-’
’Hear！hear！’saidthelittlemanwithredwhiskers。
’PRAYbequiet，Jones，’remonstratedBudden。
’Isay，gentlemen，thereisanindividualpresent，’resumedthe，host，’inwhosesociety，Iamsurewemusttakegreatdelight-and，-and-theconversationofthatindividualmusthaveaffordedto，everyonepresent，theutmostpleasure。’，[’ThankHeaven，hedoes，notmeanme！’thoughtMinns，consciousthathisdiffidenceand，exclusivenesshadpreventedhissayingaboveadozenwordssincehe，enteredthehouse。]，’Gentlemen，Iambutahumbleindividual，myself，andIperhapsoughttoapologiseforallowingany，individualfeelingoffriendshipandaffectionforthepersonI
alludeto，toinducemetoventuretorise，toproposethehealth，ofthatperson-apersonthat，Iamsure-thatistosay，a，personwhosevirtuesmustendearhimtothosewhoknowhim-and，thosewhohavenotthepleasureofknowinghim，cannotdislike，him。’
’Hear！hear！’saidthecompany，inatoneofencouragementand，approval。
’Gentlemen，’continuedBudden，’mycousinisamanwho-whoisa，relationofmyown。’，Hear！hear！，Minnsgroanedaudibly。’WhoI
ammosthappytoseehere，andwho，ifhewerenothere，would，certainlyhavedeprivedusofthegreatpleasureweallfeelin，seeinghim。Loudcriesofhear！，Gentlemen，IfeelthatIhave，alreadytrespassedonyourattentionfortoolongatime。With，everyfeeling-of-witheverysentimentof-of-’
’Gratification’-suggestedthefriendofthefamily。
’-Ofgratification，IbegtoproposethehealthofMr。Minns。’
’Standing，gentlemen！’shoutedtheindefatigablelittlemanwith，thewhiskers-’andwiththehonours。Takeyourtimefromme，if，youplease。Hip！hip！hip！-Za！-Hip！hip！hip！-Za！-Hiphip！-
Za-a-a！’
Alleyeswerenowfixedonthesubjectofthetoast，whobygulping，downportwineattheimminenthazardofsuffocation，endeavoured，toconcealhisconfusion。Afteraslongapauseasdecencywould，admit，herose，but，asthenewspaperssometimessayintheir，reports，’weregretthatwearequiteunabletogiveeventhe，substanceofthehonourablegentleman’sobservations。’，Thewords，’presentcompany-honour-presentoccasion，’and’great，happiness’-heardoccasionally，andrepeatedatintervals，witha，countenanceexpressiveoftheutmostconfusionandmisery，convincedthecompanythathewasmakinganexcellentspeech;and，accordingly，onhisresuminghisseat，theycried’Bravo！’and，manifestedtumultuousapplause。Jones，whohadbeenlongwatching，hisopportunity，thendartedup。
’Budden，’saidhe，’willyouallowMEtoproposeatoast？’
’Certainly，’repliedBudden，addinginanunder-tonetoMinnsright，acrossthetable，’Devilishsharpfellowthat：，you’llbeverymuch，pleasedwithhisspeech。Hetalksequallywellonanysubject。’
Minnsbowed，andMr。Jonesproceeded：
’Ithasonseveraloccasions，invariousinstances，undermany，circumstances，andindifferentcompanies，fallentomylotto，proposeatoasttothosebywhom，atthetime，Ihavehadthe，honourtobesurrounded，Ihavesometimes，Iwillcheerfullyown-
forwhyshouldIdenyit？-felttheoverwhelmingnatureofthe，taskIhaveundertaken，andmyownutterincapabilitytodojustice，tothesubject。Ifsuchhavebeenmyfeelings，however，onformer，occasions，whatmusttheybenow-now-undertheextraordinary，circumstancesinwhichIamplaced。Hear！hear！，Todescribemy，feelingsaccurately，wouldbeimpossible;butIcannotgiveyoua，betterideaofthem，gentlemen，thanbyreferringtoacircumstance，whichhappens，oddlyenough，tooccurtomymindatthemoment。On，oneoccasion，whenthattrulygreatandillustriousman，Sheridan，was-’
Now，thereisnoknowingwhatnewvillainyintheformofajoke，wouldhavebeenheapedonthegraveofthatveryill-usedman，Mr。
Sheridan，iftheboyindrabhadnotatthatmomententeredthe，roominabreathlessstate，toreportthat，asitwasaverywet，night，thenineo’clockstagehadcomeround，toknowwhetherthere，wasanybodygoingtotown，as，inthatcase，hethenineo’clock
hadroomforoneinside。
Mr。Minnsstartedup;and，despitecountlessexclamationsof，surprise，andentreatiestostay，persistedinhisdeterminationto，acceptthevacantplace。But，thebrownsilkumbrellawasnowhere，tobefound;andasthecoachmancouldn’twait，hedrovebackto，theSwan，leavingwordforMr。Minnsto’runround’andcatchhim。
However，asitdidnotoccurtoMr。Minnsforsometenminutesor，so，thathehadleftthebrownsilkumbrellawiththeivoryhandle，intheothercoach，comingdown;and，moreover，ashewasbyno，meansremarkableforspeed，itisnomatterofsurprisethatwhen，heaccomplishedthefeatof’runninground’totheSwan，thecoach，-thelastcoach-hadgonewithouthim。
Itwassomewhereaboutthreeo’clockinthemorning，whenMr。
AugustusMinnsknockedfeeblyatthestreet-doorofhislodgingsin，Tavistock-street，cold，wet，cross，andmiserable。Hemadehis，willnextmorning，andhisprofessionalmaninformsus，inthat，strictconfidenceinwhichweinformthepublic，thatneitherthe，nameofMr。OctaviusBudden，norofMrs。AmeliaBudden，norof，MasterAlexanderAugustusBudden，appearstherein。
CHAPTERIII-SENTIMENT
TheMissCrumptons，ortoquotetheauthorityoftheinscriptionon，thegarden-gateofMinervaHouse，Hammersmith，’TheMisses，Crumpton，’weretwounusuallytall，particularlythin，and，exceedinglyskinnypersonages：，veryupright，andveryyellow。
MissAmeliaCrumptonownedtothirty-eight，andMissMariaCrumpton，admittedshewasforty;anadmissionwhichwasrenderedperfectly，unnecessarybytheself-evidentfactofherbeingatleastfifty。
Theydressedinthemostinterestingmanner-liketwins！and，lookedashappyandcomfortableasacoupleofmarigoldsrunto，seed。Theywereveryprecise，hadthestrictestpossibleideasof，propriety，worefalsehair，andalwayssmeltverystronglyof，lavender。
MinervaHouse，conductedundertheauspicesofthetwosisters，was，a’finishingestablishmentforyoungladies，’wheresometwenty，girlsoftheagesoffromthirteentonineteeninclusive，acquired，asmatteringofeverything，andaknowledgeofnothing;instruction，inFrenchandItalian，dancinglessonstwicea-week;andother，necessariesoflife。Thehousewasawhiteone，alittleremoved，fromtheroadside，withclosepalingsinfront。Thebedroom，windowswerealwaysleftpartlyopen，toaffordabird’s-eyeview，ofnumerouslittlebedsteadswithverywhitedimityfurniture，and，therebyimpressthepasser-bywithaduesenseoftheluxuriesof，theestablishment;andtherewasafrontparlourhungroundwith，highlyvarnishedmapswhichnobodyeverlookedat，andfilledwith，bookswhichnooneeverread，appropriatedexclusivelytothe，receptionofparents，who，whenevertheycalled，couldnotfailto，bestruckwiththeverydeepappearanceoftheplace。
’Amelia，mydear，’saidMissMariaCrumpton，enteringtheschool-
roomonemorning，withherfalsehairinpapers：，asshe，occasionallydid，inordertoimpresstheyoungladieswitha，convictionofitsreality。’Amelia，mydear，hereisamost，gratifyingnoteIhavejustreceived。Youneedn’tmindreadingit，aloud。’
MissAmelia，thusadvised，proceededtoreadthefollowingnote，withanairofgreattriumph：
’CorneliusBrookDingwall，Esq。M。P。presentshiscomplimentsto，MissCrumpton，andwillfeelmuchobligedbyMissCrumpton’s，callingonhim，ifsheconvenientlycan，to-morrowmorningatone，o’clock，asCorneliusBrookDingwall，Esq。M。P。isanxioustosee，MissCrumptononthesubjectofplacingMissBrookDingwallunder，hercharge。
’Adelphi。
’Mondaymorning。’
’AMemberofParliament’sdaughter！’ejaculatedAmelia，inan，ecstatictone。
’AMemberofParliament’sdaughter！’repeatedMissMaria，witha，smileofdelight，which，ofcourse，elicitedaconcurrenttitterof，pleasurefromalltheyoungladies。
’It’sexceedinglydelightful！’saidMissAmelia;whereuponallthe，youngladiesmurmuredtheiradmirationagain。Courtiersarebut，school-boys，andcourt-ladiesschool-girl’s。
Soimportantanannouncementatoncesupersededthebusinessofthe，day。Aholidaywasdeclared，incommemorationofthegreatevent;
theMissCrumptonsretiredtotheirprivateapartmenttotalkit，over;thesmallergirlsdiscussedtheprobablemannersandcustoms，ofthedaughterofaMemberofParliament;andtheyoungladies，vergingoneighteenwonderedwhethershewasengaged，whethershe，waspretty，whethersheworemuchbustle，andmanyotherWHETHERS
ofequalimportance。
ThetwoMissCrumptonsproceededtotheAdelphiattheappointed，timenextday，dressed，ofcourse，intheirbeststyle，andlooking，asamiableastheypossiblycould-which，by-the-bye，isnot，sayingmuchforthem。Havingsentintheircards，throughthe，mediumofared-hotlookingfootmaninbrightlivery，theywere，usheredintotheaugustpresenceoftheprofoundDingwall。
CorneliusBrookDingwall，Esq。M。P。wasveryhaughty，solemn，and，portentous。Hehad，naturally，asomewhatspasmodicexpressionof，countenance，whichwasnotrenderedthelessremarkablebyhis，wearinganextremelystiffcravat。Hewaswonderfullyproudofthe，M。P。attachedtohisname，andneverlostanopportunityof，remindingpeopleofhisdignity。Hehadagreatideaofhisown，abilities，whichmusthavebeenagreatcomforttohim，asnoone，elsehad;andindiplomacy，onasmallscale，inhisownfamily，arrangements，heconsideredhimselfunrivalled。Hewasacounty，magistrate，anddischargedthedutiesofhisstationwithalldue，justiceandimpartiality;frequentlycommittingpoachers，and，occasionallycommittinghimself。MissBrookDingwallwasoneof，thatnumerousclassofyoungladies，who，likeadverbs，maybe，knownbytheiransweringtoacommonplacequestion，anddoing，nothingelse。
Onthepresentoccasion，thistalentedindividualwasseatedina，smalllibraryatatablecoveredwithpapers，doingnothing，but，tryingtolookbusy，playingatshop。ActsofParliament，and，lettersdirectedto’CorneliusBrookDingwall，Esq。M。P。’were，ostentatiouslyscatteredoverthetable;atalittledistancefrom，which，Mrs。BrookDingwallwasseatedatwork。Oneofthosepublic，nuisances，aspoiledchild，wasplayingabouttheroom，dressed，afterthemostapprovedfashion-inabluetunicwithablackbelt，-aquarterofayardwide，fastenedwithanimmensebuckle-
lookinglikearobberinamelodrama，seenthroughadiminishing，glass。
Afteralittlepleasantryfromthesweetchild，whoamusedhimself，byrunningawaywithMissMariaCrumpton’schairasfastasitwas，placedforher，thevisitorswereseated，andCorneliusBrook，Dingwall，Esq。openedtheconversation。
HehadsentforMissCrumpton，hesaid，inconsequenceofthehigh，characterhehadreceivedofherestablishmentfromhisfriend，Sir，AlfredMuggs。
MissCrumptonmurmuredheracknowledgmentstohimMuggs，and，Corneliusproceeded。
’Oneofmyprincipalreasons，MissCrumpton，forpartingwithmy，daughter，is，thatshehaslatelyacquiredsomesentimentalideas，whichitismostdesirabletoeradicatefromheryoungmind。’
Herethelittleinnocentbeforenoticed，felloutofanarm-chair，withanawfulcrash。
’Naughtyboy！’saidhismamma，whoappearedmoresurprisedathis，takingthelibertyoffallingdown，thanatanythingelse;’I’ll，ringthebellforJamestotakehimaway。’
’Praydon’tcheckhim，mylove，’saidthediplomatist，assoonas，hecouldmakehimselfheardamidsttheunearthlyhowlingconsequent，uponthethreatandthetumble。’Itallarisesfromhisgreatflow，ofspirits。’，ThislastexplanationwasaddressedtoMissCrumpton。
’Certainly，sir，’repliedtheantiqueMaria：，notexactlyseeing，however，theconnexionbetweenaflowofanimalspirits，andafall，fromanarm-chair。
Silencewasrestored，andtheM。P。resumed：，’Now，Iknownothing，solikelytoeffectthisobject，MissCrumpton，ashermixing，constantlyinthesocietyofgirlsofherownage;and，asIknow，thatinyourestablishmentshewillmeetsuchasarenotlikelyto，contaminateheryoungmind，Iproposetosendhertoyou。’
TheyoungestMissCrumptonexpressedtheacknowledgmentsofthe，establishmentgenerally。Mariawasrenderedspeechlessbybodily，pain。Thedearlittlefellow，havingrecoveredhisanimalspirits，wasstandinguponhermosttenderfoot，bywayofgettinghisface，whichlookedlikeacapitalOinared-letteredplay-billona，levelwiththewriting-table。
’Ofcourse，Laviniawillbeaparlourboarder，’continuedthe，enviablefather;’andononepointIwishmydirectionstobe，strictlyobserved。Thefactis，thatsomeridiculousloveaffair，withapersonmuchherinferiorinlife，hasbeenthecauseofher，presentstateofmind。Knowingthatofcourse，underyourcare，shecanhavenoopportunityofmeetingthisperson，Idonotobject，to-indeed，Ishouldratherprefer-hermixingwithsuchsociety，asyouseeyourself。’
Thisimportantstatementwasagaininterruptedbythehigh-spirited，littlecreature，intheexcessofhisjoyousnessbreakingapaneof，glass，andnearlyprecipitatinghimselfintoanadjacentarea。
Jameswasrungfor;considerableconfusionandscreamingsucceeded;
twolittlebluelegswereseentokickviolentlyintheairasthe，manlefttheroom，andthechildwasgone。
’Mr。BrookDingwallwouldlikeMissBrookDingwalltolearn，everything，’saidMrs。BrookDingwall，whohardlyeversaid，anythingatall。
’Certainly，’saidboththeMissCrumptonstogether。
’AndasItrusttheplanIhavedevisedwillbeeffectualin，weaningmydaughterfromthisabsurdidea，MissCrumpton，’
continuedthelegislator，’Ihopeyouwillhavethegoodnessto，comply，inallrespects，withanyrequestImayforwardtoyou。’
Thepromisewasofcoursemade;andafteralengtheneddiscussion，conductedonbehalfoftheDingwallswiththemostbecoming，diplomaticgravity，andonthatoftheCrumptonswithprofound，respect，itwasfinallyarrangedthatMissLaviniashouldbe，forwardedtoHammersmithonthenextdaybutone，onwhichoccasion，thehalf-yearlyballgivenattheestablishmentwastotakeplace。
Itmightdivertthedeargirl’smind。This，bytheway，was，anotherbitofdiplomacy。
MissLaviniawasintroducedtoherfuturegoverness，andboththe，MissCrumptonspronouncedher’amostcharminggirl;’anopinion，which，byasingularcoincidence，theyalwaysentertainedofany，newpupil。
Courtesieswereexchanged，acknowledgmentsexpressed，condescension，exhibited，andtheinterviewterminated。
Preparations，tomakeuseoftheatricalphraseology，’onascaleof，magnitudeneverbeforeattempted，’wereincessantlymadeatMinerva，Housetogiveeveryeffecttotheforthcomingball。Thelargest，roominthehousewaspleasinglyornamentedwithbluecalicoroses，plaidtulips，andotherequallynatural-lookingartificialflowers，theworkoftheyoungladiesthemselves。Thecarpetwastakenup，thefolding-doorsweretakendown，thefurniturewastakenout，and，rout-seatsweretakenin。Thelinen-drapersofHammersmithwere，astoundedatthesuddendemandforbluesarsenetribbon，andlong，whitegloves。Dozensofgeraniumswerepurchasedforbouquets，and，aharpandtwoviolinswerebespokefromtown，inadditiontothe，grandpianoalreadyonthepremises。Theyoungladieswhowere，selectedtoshowoffontheoccasion，anddocredittothe，establishment，practisedincessantly，muchtotheirown，satisfaction，andgreatlytotheannoyanceofthelameold，gentlemanovertheway;andaconstantcorrespondencewaskeptup，betweentheMissesCrumptonandtheHammersmithpastrycook。
Theeveningcame;andthentherewassuchalacingofstays，and，tyingofsandals，anddressingofhair，asnevercantakeplace，withaproperdegreeofbustleoutofaboarding-school。The，smallergirlsmanagedtobeineverybody’sway，andwerepushed，aboutaccordingly;andtheelderonesdressed，andtied，and，flattered，andenvied，oneanother，asearnestlyandsincerelyas，iftheyhadactuallyCOMEOUT。
’HowdoIlook，dear？’inquiredMissEmilySmithers，thebelleof，thehouse，ofMissCarolineWilson，whowasherbosomfriend，becauseshewastheugliestgirlinHammersmith，oroutofit。
’Oh！charming，dear。HowdoI？’
’Delightful！youneverlookedsohandsome，’returnedthebelle，adjustingherowndress，andnotbestowingaglanceonherpoor，companion。
’IhopeyoungHiltonwillcomeearly，’saidanotheryoungladyto，Misssomebodyelse，inafeverofexpectation。
’I’msurehe’dbehighlyflatteredifheknewit，’returnedthe，other，whowaspractisingL’ETE。
’Oh！he’ssohandsome，’saidthefirst。
’Suchacharmingperson！’addedasecond。
’SuchaDISTINGUEair！’saidathird。
’Oh，whatDOyouthink？’saidanothergirl，runningintotheroom;
’MissCrumptonsayshercousin’scoming。’
’What！，TheodosiusButler？’saideverybodyinraptures。
’IsHEhandsome？’inquiredanovice。
’No，notparticularlyhandsome，’wasthegeneralreply;’but，oh，soclever！’
Mr。TheodosiusButlerwasoneofthoseimmortalgeniuseswhoareto，bemetwithinalmosteverycircle。Theyhave，usually，verydeep，monotonousvoices。Theyalwayspersuadethemselvesthattheyare，wonderfulpersons，andthattheyoughttobeverymiserable，though，theydon’tpreciselyknowwhy。Theyareveryconceited，and，usuallypossesshalfanidea;but，withenthusiasticyoungladies，andsillyyounggentlemen，theyareverywonderfulpersons。The，individualinquestion，Mr。Theodosius，hadwrittenapamphlet，containingsomeveryweightyconsiderationsontheexpediencyof，doingsomethingorother;andaseverysentencecontainedagood，manywordsoffoursyllables，hisadmirerstookitforgrantedthat，hemeantagooddeal。
’Perhapsthat’she，’exclaimedseveralyoungladies，asthefirst，pulloftheeveningthreateneddestructiontothebellofthegate。
Anawfulpauseensued。Someboxesarrivedandayounglady-Miss，BrookDingwall，infullballcostume，withanimmensegoldchain，roundherneck，andherdressloopedupwithasinglerose;an，ivoryfaninherhand，andamostinterestingexpressionofdespair，inherface。
TheMissCrumptonsinquiredafterthefamily，withthemost，excruciatinganxiety，andMissBrookDingwallwasformally，introducedtoherfuturecompanions。TheMissCrumptonsconversed，withtheyoungladiesinthemostmellifluoustones，inorderthat，MissBrookDingwallmightbeproperlyimpressedwiththeiramiable，treatment。
Anotherpullatthebell。Mr。Dadsonthewriting-master，andhis，wife。Thewifeingreensilk，withshoesandcap-trimmingsto，correspond：，thewriting-masterinawhitewaistcoat，blackknee-
shorts，anddittosilkstockings，displayingaleglargeenoughfor，twowriting-masters。Theyoungladieswhisperedoneanother，and，thewriting-masterandhiswifeflatteredtheMissCrumptons，who，weredressedinamber，withlongsashes，likedolls。
Repeatedpullsatthebell，andarrivalstoonumerousto，particularise：，papasandmammas，andauntsanduncles，theowners，andguardiansofthedifferentpupils;thesinging-master，Signor，Lobskini，inablackwig;thepiano-forteplayerandtheviolins;
theharp，inastateofintoxication;andsometwentyyoungmen，whostoodnearthedoor，andtalkedtooneanother，occasionally，burstingintoagiggle。Ageneralhumofconversation。Coffee，handedround，andplentifullypartakenofbyfatmammas，wholooked，likethestoutpeoplewhocomeoninpantomimesforthesole，purposeofbeingknockeddown。
ThepopularMr。Hiltonwasthenextarrival;andhehaving，atthe，requestoftheMissCrumptons，undertakentheofficeofMasterof，theCeremonies，thequadrillescommencedwithconsiderablespirit。
Theyoungmenbythedoorgraduallyadvancedintothemiddleofthe，room，andintimebecamesufficientlyateasetoconsenttobe，introducedtopartners。Thewriting-masterdancedeveryset，springingaboutwiththemostfearfulagility，andhiswifeplayed，arubberintheback-parlour-alittleroomwithfivebook-
shelves，dignifiedbythenameofthestudy。Settingherdownto，whistwasahalf-yearlypieceofgeneralshiponthepartofthe，MissCrumptons;itwasnecessarytohidehersomewhere，onaccount，ofherbeingafright。
TheinterestingLaviniaBrookDingwallwastheonlygirlpresent，whoappearedtotakenointerestintheproceedingsoftheevening。
Invainwasshesolicitedtodance;invainwastheuniversal，homagepaidtoherasthedaughterofamemberofparliament。She，wasequallyunmovedbythesplendidtenoroftheinimitable，Lobskini，andthebrilliantexecutionofMissLaetitiaParsons，whoseperformanceof’TheRecollectionsofIreland’wasuniversally，declaredtobealmostequaltothatofMoscheleshimself。Noteven，theannouncementofthearrivalofMr。TheodosiusButlercould，inducehertoleavethecornerofthebackdrawing-roominwhich，shewasseated。
’Now，Theodosius，’saidMissMariaCrumpton，afterthatenlightened，pamphleteerhadnearlyrunthegauntletofthewholecompany，’I
mustintroduceyoutoournewpupil。’
Theodosiuslookedasifhecaredfornothingearthly。
’She’sthedaughterofamemberofparliament，’saidMaria-
Theodosiusstarted。
’Andhernameis-？’heinquired。
’MissBrookDingwall。’
’GreatHeaven！’poeticallyexclaimedTheodosius，inalowtone。
MissCrumptoncommencedtheintroductionindueform。MissBrook，Dingwalllanguidlyraisedherhead。
’Edward！’sheexclaimed，withahalf-shriek，onseeingthewell-
knownnankeenlegs。
Fortunately，asMissMariaCrumptonpossessednoremarkableshare，ofpenetration，andasitwasoneofthediplomaticarrangements，thatnoattentionwastobepaidtoMissLavinia’sincoherent，exclamations，shewasperfectlyunconsciousofthemutualagitation，oftheparties;andtherefore，seeingthattheofferofhishand，forthenextquadrillewasaccepted，shelefthimbythesideof，MissBrookDingwall。
’Oh，Edward！’exclaimedthatmostromanticofallromanticyoung，ladies，asthelightofscienceseatedhimselfbesideher，’Oh，Edward，isityou？’
Mr。Theodosiusassuredthedearcreature，inthemostimpassioned，manner，thathewasnotconsciousofbeinganybodybuthimself。
’Thenwhy-why-thisdisguise？，Oh！，EdwardM’NevilleWalter，whathaveInotsufferedonyouraccount？’
’Lavinia，hearme，’repliedthehero，inhismostpoeticstrain。
’Donotcondemnmeunheard。Ifanythingthatemanatesfromthe，soulofsuchawretchasI，canoccupyaplaceinyourrecollection，-ifanybeing，sovile，deserveyournotice-youmayremember，thatIoncepublishedapamphletandpaidforitspublication
entitled“ConsiderationsonthePolicyofRemovingtheDutyon，Bees’-wax。”’
’Ido-Ido！’sobbedLavinia。
’That，’continuedthelover，’wasasubjecttowhichyourfather，wasdevotedheartandsoul。’
’Hewas-hewas！’reiteratedthesentimentalist。
’Iknewit，’continuedTheodosius，tragically;’Iknewit-I
forwardedhimacopy。Hewishedtoknowme。CouldIdisclosemy，realname？，Never！，No，Iassumedthatnamewhichyouhavesooften，pronouncedintonesofendearment。AsM’NevilleWalter，Idevoted，myselftothestirringcause;asM’NevilleWalterIgainedyour，heart;inthesamecharacterIwasejectedfromyourhousebyyour，father’sdomestics;andinnocharacteratallhaveIsincebeen，enabledtoseeyou。Wenowmeetagain，andIproudlyownthatIam，-TheodosiusButler。’
Theyoungladyappearedperfectlysatisfiedwiththisargumentative，address，andbestowedalookofthemostardentaffectiononthe，immortaladvocateofbees’-wax。
’MayIhope，’saidhe，’thatthepromiseyourfather’sviolent，behaviourinterrupted，mayberenewed？’
’Letusjointhisset，’repliedLavinia，coquettishly-forgirls，ofnineteenCANcoquette。
’No，’ejaculatedheofthenankeens。’Istirnotfromthisspot，writhingunderthistortureofsuspense。MayI-mayI-hope？’
’Youmay。’
’Thepromiseisrenewed？’
’Itis。’
’Ihaveyourpermission？’
’Youhave。’
’Tothefullestextent？’
’Youknowit，’returnedtheblushingLavinia。Thecontortionsof，theinterestingButler’svisageexpressedhisraptures。
Wecoulddilateupontheoccurrencesthatensued。HowMr。
TheodosiusandMissLaviniadanced，andtalked，andsighedforthe，remainderoftheevening-howtheMissCrumptonsweredelighted，thereat。Howthewriting-mastercontinuedtofriskaboutwithone-
horsepower，andhowhiswife，fromsomeunaccountablefreak，left，thewhist-tableinthelittleback-parlour，andpersistedin，displayinghergreenhead-dressinthemostconspicuouspartofthe，drawing-room。Howthesupperconsistedofsmalltriangular，sandwichesintrays，andatarthereandtherebywayofvariety;
andhowthevisitorsconsumedwarmwaterdisguisedwithlemon，and，dottedwithnutmeg，underthedenominationofnegus。These，and，othermattersofasmuchinterest，however，wepassover，forthe，purposeofdescribingasceneofevenmoreimportance。
Afortnightafterthedateoftheball，CorneliusBrookDingwall，Esq。M。P。wasseatedatthesamelibrary-table，andinthesame，room，aswehavebeforedescribed。Hewasalone，andhisfacebore，anexpressionofdeepthoughtandsolemngravity-hewasdrawing，up’ABillforthebetterobservanceofEasterMonday。’
Thefootmantappedatthedoor-thelegislatorstartedfromhis，reverie，and’MissCrumpton’wasannounced。Permissionwasgiven，forMissCrumptontoentertheSANCTUM;Mariacameslidingin，and，havingtakenherseatwithadueportionofaffectation，the，footmanretired，andthegovernesswasleftalonewiththeM。P。
Oh！howshelongedforthepresenceofathirdparty！，Eventhe，facetiousyounggentlemanwouldhavebeenarelief。
MissCrumptonbegantheduet。ShehopedMrs。BrookDingwalland，thehandsomelittleboywereingoodhealth。
Theywere。Mrs。BrookDingwallandlittleFrederickwereat，Brighton。
’Muchobligedtoyou，MissCrumpton，’saidCornelius，inhismost，dignifiedmanner，’foryourattentionincallingthismorning。I
shouldhavedrivendowntoHammersmith，toseeLavinia，butyour，accountwassoverysatisfactory，andmydutiesintheHouseoccupy，mesomuch，thatIdeterminedtopostponeitforaweek。Howhas，shegoneon？’
’Verywellindeed，sir，’returnedMaria，dreadingtoinformthe，fatherthatshehadgoneoff。
’Ah，IthoughttheplanonwhichIproceededwouldbeamatchfor，her。’
Herewasafavourableopportunitytosaythatsomebodyelsehad，beenamatchforher。Buttheunfortunategovernesswasunequalto，thetask。
’YouhaveperseveredstrictlyinthelineofconductIprescribed，MissCrumpton？’
’Strictly，sir。’
’Youtellmeinyournotethatherspiritsgraduallyimproved。’
’Verymuchindeed，sir。’
’Tobesure。Iwasconvincedtheywould。’
’ButIfear，sir，’saidMissCrumpton，withvisibleemotion，’I
feartheplanhasnotsucceeded，quitesowellaswecouldhave，wished。’
No！’exclaimedtheprophet。’Blessme！，MissCrumpton，youlook，alarmed。Whathashappened？’
’MissBrookDingwall，sir-’
’Yes，ma’am？’
’Hasgone，sir’-saidMaria，exhibitingastronginclinationto，faint。
’Gone！’
’Eloped，sir。’
’Eloped！-Whowith-when-where-how？’almostshriekedthe，agitateddiplomatist。
ThenaturalyellowoftheunfortunateMaria’sfacechangedtoall，thehuesoftherainbow，asshelaidasmallpacketonthemember’s，table。
Hehurriedlyopenedit。Aletterfromhisdaughter，andanother，fromTheodosius。Heglancedovertheircontents-’Erethis，reachesyou，fardistant-appealtofeelings-lovetodistraction，-bees’-wax-slavery，’&c。&c。Hedashedhishandtohis，forehead，andpacedtheroomwithfearfullylongstrides，tothe，greatalarmofthepreciseMaria。
’Nowmind;fromthistimeforward，’saidMr。BrookDingwall，suddenlystoppingatthetable，andbeatingtimeuponitwithhis，hand;’fromthistimeforward，Ineverwill，underany，circumstanceswhatever，permitamanwhowritespamphletstoenter，anyotherroomofthishousebutthekitchen-I’llallowmy，daughterandherhusbandonehundredandfiftypoundsa-year，and，neverseetheirfacesagain：，and，damme！ma’am，I’llbringina，billfortheabolitionoffinishing-schools。’
Sometimehaselapsedsincethispassionatedeclaration。Mr。and，Mrs。Butlerareatpresentrusticatinginasmallcottageat，Ball’s-pond，pleasantlysituatedintheimmediatevicinityofa，brick-field。Theyhavenofamily。Mr。Theodosiuslooksvery，important，andwritesincessantly;but，inconsequenceofagross，combinationonthepartofpublishers，noneofhisproductions，appearinprint。Hisyoungwifebeginstothinkthatidealmisery，ispreferabletorealunhappiness;andthatamarriage，contracted，inhaste，andrepentedatleisure，isthecauseofmoresubstantial，wretchednessthansheeveranticipated。
Oncoolreflection，CorneliusBrookDingwall，Esq。M。P。was，reluctantlycompelledtoadmitthattheuntowardresultofhis，admirablearrangementswasattributable，nottotheMissCrumptons，buthisowndiplomacy。He，however，consoleshimself，likesome，othersmalldiplomatists，bysatisfactorilyprovingthatifhis，plansdidnotsucceed，theyoughttohavedoneso。MinervaHouse，isINSTATUSQUO，and’TheMissesCrumpton’remaininthepeaceable，andundisturbedenjoymentofalltheadvantagesresultingfrom，theirFinishing-School。
CHAPTERIV-THETUGGSESATRAMSGATE
Onceuponatimetheredwelt，inanarrowstreetontheSurreyside，ofthewater，withinthreeminutes’walkofoldLondonBridge，Mr。
JosephTuggs-alittledark-facedman，withshinyhair，twinkling，eyes，shortlegs，andabodyofveryconsiderablethickness，measuringfromthecentrebuttonofhiswaistcoatinfront，tothe，ornamentalbuttonsofhiscoatbehind。Thefigureoftheamiable，Mrs。Tuggs，ifnotperfectlysymmetrical，wasdecidedly，comfortable;andtheformofheronlydaughter，theaccomplished，MissCharlotteTuggs，wasfastripeningintothatstateof，luxuriantplumpnesswhichhadenchantedtheeyes，andcaptivated，theheart，ofMr。JosephTuggsinhisearlierdays。Mr。Simon，Tuggs，hisonlyson，andMissCharlotteTuggs’sonlybrother，was，asdifferentlyformedinbody，ashewasdifferentlyconstitutedin，mind，fromtheremainderofhisfamily。Therewasthatelongation，inhisthoughtfulface，andthattendencytoweaknessinhis，interestinglegs，whichtellsoforciblyofagreatmindand，romanticdisposition。Theslightesttraitsofcharacterinsucha，being，possessnomeaninteresttospeculativeminds。Heusually，appearedinpublic，incapaciousshoeswithblackcottonstockings;
andwasobservedtobeparticularlyattachedtoablackglazed，stock，withouttieorornamentofanydescription。
Thereisperhapsnoprofession，howeveruseful;nopursuit，however，meritorious;whichcanescapethepettyattacksofvulgarminds。
Mr。JosephTuggswasagrocer。Itmightbesupposedthatagrocer，wasbeyondthebreathofcalumny;butno-theneighbours，stigmatisedhimasachandler;andthepoisonousvoiceofenvy，distinctlyassertedthathedispensedteaandcoffeebythe，quartern，retailedsugarbytheounce，cheesebytheslice，tobacco，bythescrew，andbutterbythepat。Thesetaunts，however，were，lostupontheTuggses。Mr。Tuggsattendedtothegrocery，department;Mrs。Tuggstothecheesemongery;andMissTuggstoher，education。Mr。SimonTuggskepthisfather’sbooks，andhisown，counsel。
Onefinespringafternoon，thelattergentlemanwasseatedonatub，ofweeklyDorset，behindthelittlereddeskwithawoodenrail，whichornamentedacornerofthecounter;whenastranger，dismountedfromacab，andhastilyenteredtheshop。Hewas，habitedinblackcloth，andborewithhim，agreenumbrella，anda，bluebag。
’Mr。Tuggs？’saidthestranger，inquiringly。
’MYnameisTuggs，’repliedMr。Simon。
’It’stheotherMr。Tuggs，’saidthestranger，lookingtowardsthe，glassdoorwhichledintotheparlourbehindtheshop，andonthe，insideofwhich，theroundfaceofMr。Tuggs，senior，was，distinctlyvisible，peepingoverthecurtain。
Mr。Simongracefullywavedhispen，asifinintimationofhiswish，thathisfatherwouldadvance。Mr。JosephTuggs，withconsiderable，celerity，removedhisfacefromthecurtainandplaceditbefore，thestranger。
’IcomefromtheTemple，’saidthemanwiththebag。
’FromtheTemple！’saidMrs。Tuggs，flingingopenthedoorofthe，littleparlouranddisclosingMissTuggsinperspective。
’FromtheTemple！’saidMissTuggsandMr。SimonTuggsatthesame，moment。
’FromtheTemple！’saidMr。JosephTuggs，turningaspaleasa，Dutchcheese。
’FromtheTemple，’repeatedthemanwiththebag;’fromMr。
Cower’s，thesolicitor’s。Mr。Tuggs，Icongratulateyou，sir。
Ladies，Iwishyoujoyofyourprosperity！，Wehavebeen，successful。’，Andthemanwiththebagleisurelydivestedhimself，ofhisumbrellaandglove，asapreliminarytoshakinghandswith，Mr。JosephTuggs。
Nowthewords’wehavebeensuccessful，’hadnosoonerissuedfrom，themouthofthemanwiththebag，thanMr。SimonTuggsrosefrom，thetubofweeklyDorset，openedhiseyesverywide，gaspedfor，breath，madefiguresofeightintheairwithhispen，andfinally，fellintothearmsofhisanxiousmother，andfaintedawaywithout，theslightestostensiblecauseorpretence。
’Water！’screamedMrs。Tuggs。
’Lookup，myson，’exclaimedMr。Tuggs。
’Simon！dearSimon！’shriekedMissTuggs。
’I’mbetternow，’saidMr。SimonTuggs。’What！successful！’，And，then，ascorroborativeevidenceofhisbeingbetter，hefainted，awayagain，andwasborneintothelittleparlourbytheunited，effortsoftheremainderofthefamily，andthemanwiththebag。
Toacasualspectator，ortoanyoneunacquaintedwiththeposition，ofthefamily，thisfaintingwouldhavebeenunaccountable。To，thosewhounderstoodthemissionofthemanwiththebag，andwere，moreoveracquaintedwiththeexcitabilityofthenervesofMr。
SimonTuggs，itwasquitecomprehensible。Along-pendinglawsuit，respectingthevalidityofawill，hadbeenunexpectedlydecided;
andMr。JosephTuggswasthepossessoroftwentythousandpounds。