Nowallthiscomesofbeinggood-hearted。IfIhadbeenasunaccommodatingandunsympatheticassomepeople，IwouldhavetoldMr。BlokethatIwouldn’treceivehiscommunicationatsuchalatehour;
butno，hissnufflingdistresstouchedmyheart，andIjumpedatthechanceofdoingsomethingtomodifyhismisery。Ineverreadhisitemtoseewhethertherewasanythingwrongaboutit，buthastilywrotethefewlineswhichprecededit，andsentittotheprinters。Andwhathasmykindnessdoneforme？，Ithasdonenothingbutbringdownuponmeastormofabuseandornamentalblasphemy。
NowIwillreadthatitemmyself，andseeifthereisanyfoundationforallthisfuss。Andifthereis，theauthorofitshallhearfromme。
Ihavereadit，andIamboundtoadmitthatitseemsalittlemixedatafirstglance。However，Iwillperuseitoncemore。
Ihavereaditagain，anditdoesreallyseemagooddealmoremixedthanever。
Ihavereaditoverfivetimes，butifIcangetatthemeaningofitI
wishImaygetmyjustdeserts。Itwon’tbearanalysis。TherearethingsaboutitwhichIcannotunderstandatall。Itdon’tsaywhateverbecameofWilliamSchuyler。Itjustsaysenoughabouthimtogetoneinterestedinhiscareer，andthendropshim。WhoisWilliamSchuyler，anyhow，andwhatpartofSouthParkdidhelivein，andifhestarteddown-townatsixo’clock，didheevergetthere，andifhedid，didanythinghappentohim？，Ishetheindividualthatmetwiththe“distressingaccident“？，Consideringtheelaboratecircumstantialityofdetailobservableintheitem，itseemstomethatitoughttocontainmoreinformationthanitdoes。Onthecontrary，itisobscureandnotonlyobscure，bututterlyincomprehensible。WasthebreakingofMr。
Schuyler’sleg，fifteenyearsago，the“distressingaccident“thatplungedMr。Blokeintounspeakablegrief，andcausedhimtocomeuphereatdeadofnightandstopourpresstoacquainttheworldwiththecircumstance？，Ordidthe“distressingaccident“consistinthedestructionofSchuyler’smother-in-law’spropertyinearlytimes？
Ordiditconsistinthedeathofthatpersonherselfthreeyearsagoalbeititdoesnotappearthatshediedbyaccident？，Inaword，whatdidthat“distressingaccident“consistin？，WhatdidthatdrivelingassofaSchuylerstandinthewakeofarunawayhorsefor，withhisshoutingandgesticulating，ifhewantedtostophim？，Andhowthemischiefcouldhegetrunoverbyahorsethathadalreadypassedbeyondhim？，Andwhatarewetotake“warning“by？，Andhowisthisextraordinarychapterofincomprehensibilitiesgoingtobea“lesson“tous？，And，aboveall，whathastheintoxicating“bowl“gottodowithit，anyhow？，ItisnotstatedthatSchuylerdrank，orthathiswifedrank，orthathismother-in-lawdrank，orthatthehorsedrankwherefore，then，thereferencetotheintoxicatingbowl？，ItdoesseemtomethatifMr。Blokehadlettheintoxicatingbowlalonehimself，heneverwouldhavegotintosomuchtroubleaboutthisexasperatingimaginaryaccident。Ihavereadthis。
absurditemoverandoveragain，withallitsinsinuatingplausibility，untilmyheadswims;butIcanmakeneitherheadnortailofit。Therecertainlyseemstohavebeenanaccidentofsomekindorother，butitisimpossibletodeterminewhatthenatureofitwas，orwhowasthesuffererbyit。Idonotliketodoit，butIfeelcompelledtorequestthatthenexttimeanythinghappenstooneofMr。Bloke’sfriends，hewillappendsuchexplanatorynotestohisaccountofitaswillenablemetofindoutwhatsortofanaccidentitwasandwhomithappenedto。I
hadratherallhisfriendsshoulddiethanthatIshouldbedriventothevergeoflunacyagainintryingtocipheroutthemeaningofanothersuchproductionastheabove。
AMEDIEVALROMANCE
CHAPTERI
THESECRETREVEALED。
Itwasnight。StillnessreignedinthegrandoldfeudalcastleofKlugenstein。Theyear1222wasdrawingtoaclose。Farawayupinthetallestofthecastle’stowersasinglelightglimmered。Asecretcouncilwasbeingheldthere。ThesternoldlordofKlugensteinsatinachairofstatemeditating。Presentlyhe，said，withatenderaccent：
“Mydaughter！”
Ayoungmanofnoblepresence，cladfromheadtoheelinknightlymail，answered：
“Speak，father！”
“Mydaughter，thetimeiscomefortherevealingofthemysterythathathpuzzledallyouryounglife。Know，then，thatithaditsbirthinthematterswhichIshallnowunfold。MybrotherUlrichisthegreatDukeofBrandenburgh。Ourfather，onhisdeathbed，decreedthatifnosonwereborntoUlrich，thesuccessionshouldpasstomyhouse，providedasonwereborntome。Andfurther，incasenoson，wereborntoeither，butonlydaughters，thenthesuccessionshouldpasstoUlrich’sdaughter，ifsheprovedstainless;ifshedidnot，mydaughtershouldsucceed，ifsheretainedablamelessname。AndsoI，andmyoldwifehere，prayedferventlyforthegoodboonofason，buttheprayerwasvain。Youwereborntous。Iwasindespair。Isawthemightyprizeslippingfrommygrasp，thesplendiddreamvanishingaway。AndIhadbeensohopeful！
FiveyearshadUlrichlivedinwedlock，andyethiswifehadbornenoheirofeithersex。
“’Buthold，’Isaid，’allisnotlost。’，Asavingschemehadshotathwartmybrain。Youwerebornatmidnight。Onlytheleech，thenurse，andsixwaiting-womenknewyoursex。Ihangedthemeveryonebeforeanhourhadsped。NextmorningallthebaronywentmadwithrejoicingovertheproclamationthatasonwasborntoKlugenstein，anheirtomightyBrandenburgh！，Andwellthesecrethasbeenkept。Yourmother’sownsisternursedyourinfancy，andfromthattimeforwardwefearednothing。
“Whenyouweretenyearsold，adaughterwasborntoUlrich。Wegrieved，buthopedforgoodresultsfrommeasles，orphysicians，orothernaturalenemiesofinfancy，butwerealwaysdisappointed。Shelived，shethrove——
Heaven’smalisonuponher！，Butitisnothing。Wearesafe。For，Ha-ha！havewenotason？，AndisnotoursonthefutureDuke？，Ourwell-
belovedConrad，isitnotso？——for，womanofeight-and-twentyyears——asyouare，mychild，noneothernamethanthathatheverfallentoyou！
“Nowithathcometopassthatagehathlaiditshanduponmybrother，andhewaxesfeeble。Thecaresofstatedotaxhimsore。ThereforehewillsthatyoushallcometohimandbealreadyDuke——inact，thoughnotyetinname。Yourservitorsareready——youjourneyforthto-night。
“Nowlistenwell。RemembereverywordIsay。ThereisalawasoldasGermanythatifanywomansitforasingleinstantinthegreatducalchairbeforeshehathbeenabsolutelycrownedinpresenceofthepeople，SHESHALLDIE！Soheedmy，words。Pretendhumility。PronounceyourjudgmentsfromthePremier’schair，whichstandsatthefootofthethrone。Dothisuntilyouarecrownedandsafe。Itisnotlikelythatyoursexwilleverbediscovered;butstillitisthepartofwisdomtomakeallthingsassafeasmaybeinthistreacherousearthlylife。”
“Oh;myfather，isitforthismylifehathbeenalie！，WasitthatI
mightcheatmyunoffendingcousinofherrights？，Spareme，father，spareyourchild！”
“What，huzzy！，Isthismyrewardfortheaugustfortunemybrainhaswroughtforthee？，Bythebonesofmyfather，thispulingsentimentofthinebutillaccordswithmyhumor。
BetaketheetotheDuke，instantly！，Andbewarehowthoumeddlestwithmypurpose！”
Letthissuffice，oftheconversation。Itisenoughforustoknowthattheprayers，theentreatiesandthetearsofthegentle-naturedgirlavailednothing。TheynoranythingcouldmovethestoutoldlordofKlugenstein。Andso，atlast，withaheavyheart，thedaughtersawthecastlegatesclosebehindher，andfoundherselfridingawayinthedarknesssurroundedbyaknightlyarrayofarmed，vassalsandabravefollowingofservants。
Theoldbaronsatsilentformanyminutesafterhisdaughter’sdeparture，andthenheturnedtohissadwifeandsaid：
“Dame，ourmattersseemspeedingfairly。ItisfullthreemonthssinceI
senttheshrewdandhandsomeCountDetzinonhisdevilishmissiontomybrother’sdaughterConstance。Ifhefail，wearenotwhollysafe;butifhedosucceed，nopowercanbarourgirlfrombeingDuchesse’enthoughill-fortuneshoulddecreeshenevershouldbeDuke！”
“Myheartisfullofbodings，yetallmaystillbewell。”
“Tush，woman！Leavetheowlstocroak。Tobedwithye，anddreamofBrandenburghandgrandeur！”
CHAPTERII。
FESTIVITYANDTEARS
Sixdaysaftertheoccurrencesrelatedintheabovechapter，thebrilliantcapitaloftheDuchyofBrandenburghwasresplendentwithmilitarypageantry，andnoisywiththerejoicingsofloyalmultitudes;
forConrad，theyoungheirtothecrown，wascome。TheoldDuke’s，heartwasfullofhappiness，forConrad’shandsomepersonandgracefulbearinghadwonhisloveatonce。Thegreathallsoftiepalacewerethrongedwithnobles，whowelcomedConradbravely;andsobrightandhappydidallthingsseem，thathefelthisfearsandsorrowspassingawayandgivingplacetoacomfortingcontentment。
Butinaremoteapartmentofthepalaceasceneofadifferentnaturewas，transpiring。ByawindowstoodtheDuke’sonlychild，theLadyConstance。Hereyeswereredandswollen，andfulloftears。Shewasalone。Presentlyshefelltoweepinganew，andsaidaloud：
“ThevillainDetzinisgone——hasfledthedukedom！，Icouldnotbelieveitatfirst，butalas！itistootrue。AndIlovedhimso。IdaredtolovehimthoughIknewtheDukemyfatherwouldneverletmewedhim。
Ilovedhim——butnowIhatehim！，Withall，mysoulIhatehim！，Oh，whatistobecomeofme！，Iamlost，lost，lost！。Ishallgomad！
CHAPTERIII。
THEPLOTTHICKENS。
Fewmonthsdriftedby。AllmenpublishedthepraisesoftheyoungConrad’sgovernmentandextolledthewisdomofhisjudgments，themercifulnessofhissentences，andthemodestywithwhichheborehimselfinhisgreatoffice。TheoldDukesoongaveeverythingintohishands，andsatapartandlistenedwithproudsatisfactionwhilehisheirdeliveredthedecreesofthecrownfromtheseatofthepremier。
ItseemedplainthatonesolovedandpraisedandhonoredofallmenasConradwas，couldnotbeotherwisethanhappy。Butstrangeenough，hewasnot。ForhesawwithdismaythatthePrincessConstancehadbeguntolovehim！，Theloveof，therestoftheworldwashappyfortuneforhim，butthiswasfreightedwithdanger！，Andhesaw，moreover，thatthedelightedDukehaddiscoveredhisdaughter’spassionlikewise，andwasalreadydreamingofamarriage。Everydaysomewhatofthedeepsadnessthathadbeenintheprincess’facefadedaway;everydayhopeandanimationbeamedbrighterfromhereye;andbyandbyevenvagrantsmilesvisitedthefacethathadbeensotroubled。
Conradwasappalled。Hebitterlycursedhimselfforhavingyieldedtotheinstinctthathadmadehimseekthecompanionshipofoneofhisownsexwhenhewasnewandastrangerinthepalace——whenhewassorrowfulandyearnedforasympathysuchasonlywomencangiveorfeel。Henowbegantoavoid，hiscousin。Butthisonlymademattersworse，for，naturallyenough，themoreheavoidedher，themoreshecastherselfinhisway。Hemarveledatthisatfirst;andnextitstartledhim。Thegirlhauntedhim;shehuntedhim;shehappeneduponhimatalltimesandinallplaces，inthenightaswellasintheday。Sheseemedsingularlyanxious。Therewassurelyamysterysomewhere。
Thiscouldnotgoonforever。Alltheworldwastalkingaboutit。TheDukewasbeginningtolookperplexed。PoorConradwasbecomingaveryghostthroughdreadanddiredistress。Onedayashewasemergingfromaprivateante-roomattachedtothepicturegallery，Constanceconfrontedhim，andseizingbothhishands，inhers，exclaimed：
“Oh，why，doyouavoidme？，WhathaveIdone——whathaveIsaid，toloseyourkindopinionofme——for，surelyIhaditonce？，Conrad，donotdespiseme，butpityatorturedheart？，Icannot，\cannotholdthewordsunspokenlonger，lesttheykillme——ILOVEyou，CONRAD！，There，despisemeifyoumust，buttheywouldbeuttered！”
Conradwasspeechless。Constancehesitatedamoment，andthen，misinterpretinghissilence，awildgladnessflamedinhereyes，andsheflungherarmsabouthisneckandsaid：
“Yourelent！yourelent！Youcanloveme——youwillloveme！Oh，sayyouwill，myown，myworshippedConrad！’“
“Conradgroanedaloud。Asicklypalloroverspreadhiscountenance，andhetrembledlikeanaspen。Presently，indesperation，hethrustthepoorgirlfromhim，andcried：
Youknownotwhatyouask！，Itisforeverandeverimpossible！“Andthenhefledlikeacriminalandlefttheprincessstupefiedwithamazement。
Aminuteafterwardshewascryingandsobbingthere，andConradwascryingandsobbinginhischamber。Bothwereindespair。Bothsaveruinstaringthemintheface。
ByandbyConstanceroseslowlytoherfeetandmovedaway，saying：
“TothinkthathewasdespisingmyloveattheverymomentthatIthoughtitwasmeltinghiscruelheart！，Ihatehim！，Hespurnedme——didthisman——hespurnedmefromhimlikeadog！”
CHAPTERIV
THEAWFULREVELATION。
Timepassedon。AsettledsadnessrestedoncemoreuponthecountenanceofthegoodDuke’sdaughter。SheandConradwereseentogethernomorenow。TheDukegrievedatthis。Butastheweeksworeaway，Conrad’scolorcamebacktohischeeksandhisold-timevivacitytohiseye，andheadministeredthegovernmentwithaclearandsteadilyripeningwisdom。
Presentlyastrangewhisperbegantobeheardaboutthepalace。Itgrewlouder;itspreadfarther。Thegossipsofthecitygothold-ofit。Itsweptthedukedom。Andthisiswhatthewhispersaid：。
“TheLadyConstancehathgivenbirthtoachild！”
WhenthelordofKlugensteinheardit，heswunghisplumedhelmetthricearoundhisheadandshouted：
“Longlive。DukeConrad！——forlo，hiscrownissure，fromthisdayforward！，Detzinhasdonehiserrandwell，andthegoodscoundrelshallberewarded！”
Andhespread，thetidingsfarandwide，andforeight-and-fortyhoursnosoulinallthebaronybutdiddanceandsing，carouseandilluminate，tocelebratethegreatevent，andallatproudandhappyoldKlugenstein’sexpense。
CHAPTERV。
THEFRIGHTFULCATASTROPHE。
Thetrialwasathand。AllthegreatlordsandbaronsofBrandenburghwereassembledintheHallofJusticeintheducalpalace。Nospacewasleftunoccupiedwheretherewasroomforaspectatortostandorsit。
Conrad，cladinpurpleandermine，satinthepremier’schair，andoneithersidesatthegreatjudgesoftherealm。TheoldDukehadsternlycommandedthatthetrialofhisdaughtershouldproceed，withoutfavor，andthenhadtakentohisbedbroken-hearted。Hisdayswerenumbered。
PoorConradhadbegged，asforhisverylife，thathemightbesparedthemiseryofsittinginjudgmentuponhiscousin’scrime，butitdidnotavail。
ThesaddestheartinallthatgreatassemblagewasinConrad’sbreast。
Thegladdestwasinhisfather’s。For，unknowntohisdaughter“Conrad，“
theoldBaronKlugensteinwascome，andwasamongthecrowdofnobles，triumphantintheswellingfortunesofhishouse。
Aftertheheraldshadmadedueproclamationandtheotherpreliminarieshadfollowed，thevenerableLordChiefjusticesaid：
“Prisoner，standforth！”
Theunhappyprincessroseandstoodunveiledbeforethevastmultitude。
TheLordChiefJusticecontinued：
“Mostnoblelady，beforethegreatjudgesofthisrealmithathbeenchargedandproventhatoutofholywedlockyourGracehathgivenbirthuntoachild，;andbyourancientlawthepenaltyisdeath，exceptinginonesolecontingency，whereofhisGracetheactingDuke，ourgoodLordConrad，willadvertiseyouinhissolemnsentencenow;wherefore，giveheed。”
Conradstretchedforththereluctantsceptre，andintheself-samemomentthewomanlyheartbeneathhisrobeyearnedpityinglytowardthedoomedprisoner，andthetearscameintohiseyes。Heopenedhislipstospeak，buttheLordChiefJusticesaidquickly：
“Notthere，yourGrace，notthere！，ItisnotlawfultopronouncejudgmentuponanyoftheducallineSAVEFROMTHEDUCALTHRONE！”
AshudderwenttotheheartofpoorConrad，andatremorshooktheironframeofhisoldfatherlikewise。CONRADHADNOTBEENCROWNED——daredheprofanethethrone？Hehesitatedandturnedpalewithfear。Butitmustbedone。Wonderingeyeswerealreadyuponhim。Theywouldbesuspiciouseyesifhehesitatedlonger。Heascendedthethrone。Presentlyhestretchedforththesceptreagain，andsaid：
Prisoner，inthenameofoursovereignlord，Ulrich，DukeofBrandenburgh，Iproceedtothesolemndutythathathdevolveduponme。
Giveheedtomywords。Bytheancientlawoftheland，exceptyouproducethepartnerofyourguiltanddeliverhimuptotheexecutioner，youmustsurelydie。Embracethisopportunity——saveyourselfwhileyetyoumay。Namethefatherofyourchild！”
Asolemnhushfelluponthegreatcourt——asilencesoprofoundthatmencouldheartheirownheartsbeat。Thentheprincessslowlyturned，witheyesgleamingwithhate，andpointingherfingerstraightatConrad，said：
“Thouarttheman！”
Anappallingconvictionofhishelpless，hopelessperilstruckachilltoConrad’sheartlikethechillofdeathitself。Whatpoweronearthcouldsavehim！，Todisprovethecharge，hemustrevealthathewasawoman;
andforanuncrownedwomantositintheducalchairwasdeath！，Atoneandthesamemoment，heandhisgrimoldfatherswoonedandfellto，theground。
[TheremainderofthisthrillingandeventfulstorywillNOTbefoundinthisoranyotherpublication，eithernoworatanyfuturetime。]
Thetruthis，Ihavegotmyheroorheroineintosuchaparticularlycloseplace，thatIdonotseehowIamevergoingtogethimorher
outofitagain——andthereforeIwillwashmyhandsofthewholebusiness，andleavethatpersontogetoutthebestwaythatoffers——orelsestaythere。Ithoughtitwasgoingtobeeasyenoughtostraightenoutthatlittledifficulty，butitlooksdifferentnow。
PETITIONCONCERNINGCOPYRIGHT
TOTHEHONORABLETHESENATEANDHOUSEOFREPRESENTATIVES
INCONGRESSASSEMBLED：
Whereas，TheConstitutionguaranteesequalrightstoall，backedbytheDeclarationofIndependence;and，Whereas，Underourlaws，therightofpropertyinrealestateisperpetual;and，Whereas，Underourlaws，therightofpropertyintheliteraryresultofacitizen’sintellectuallaborisrestrictedtoforty-twoyears;and，Whereas，Forty-twoyearsseemsanexceedinglyjustandrighteousterm，andasufficientlylongonefortheretentionofproperty;
Therefore，Yourpetitioner，havingthegoodofhiscountrysolelyatheart，humblypraysthat“equalrights“andfairandequaltreatmentmaybemetedouttoallcitizens，bytherestrictionofrightsinallproperty，realestateincluded，tothebeneficenttermofforty-twoyears。Thenshallallmenblessyourhonorablebodyandbehappy。Andforthiswillyourpetitionereverpray。
MARKTWAIN。
APARAGRAPHNOTADDEDTOTHEPETITION
Thecharmingabsurdityofrestrictingproperty-rightsinbookstoforty-twoyearssticksprominentlyoutinthefactthathardlyanyman’sbookseverliveforty-twoyears，oreventhehalfofit;andso，forthesakeofgettingashabbyadvantageoftheheirsofaboutoneScottorBurnsorMiltoninahundredyears，thelawmakersofthe“Great“Republicarecontenttoleavethatpoorlittlepilferingedictuponthestatute-books。ItislikeanemperorlyinginwaittorobaPhenix’snest，andwaitingthenecessarycenturytogetthechance。
AFTER-DINNERSPEECH
[ATAFOURTHOFJULYGATHERING，INLONDON，OFAMERICANS]
MR。CHAIRMANANDLADIESANDGENTLEMEN：Ithankyouforthecomplimentwhichhasjustbeentenderedme，andtoshowmyappreciationofitIwillnotafflictyouwithmanywords。Itispleasanttocelebrateinthispeacefulway，uponthisoldmothersoil，theanniversaryofanexperimentwhichwasbornofwarwiththissamelandsolongago，andwroughtouttoasuccessfulissuebythedevotionofourancestors。IthastakennearlyahundredyearstobringtheEnglishandAmericansintokindlyandmutuallyappreciativerelations，butIbelieveithasbeenaccomplishedatlast。Itwasagreatstepwhenthetwolastmisunderstandingsweresettledbyarbitrationinsteadofcannon。ItisanothergreatstepwhenEnglandadoptsoursewing-machineswithoutclaimingtheinvention——asusual。Itwasanotherwhentheyimportedoneofoursleeping-carstheotherday。AnditwarmedmyheartmorethanIcantell，yesterday，whenIwitnessedthespectacleofanEnglishmanorderinganAmericansherrycobblerofhisownfreewillandaccord——andnotonlythatbutwithagreatbrainandalevelheadremindingthebarkeepernottoforgetthestrawberries。Withacommonorigin，acommonlanguage，acommonliterature，acommonreligionand——commondrinks，whatislongerneedfultothecementingofthetwonationstogetherinapermanentbondofbrotherhood？
Thisisanageofprogress，andoursisaprogressiveland。Agreatandgloriousland，too——alandwhichhasdevelopedaWashington，aFranklin，aWilliamM。Tweed，aLongfellow，aMotley，aJayGould，aSamuelC。
Pomeroy，arecentCongresswhichhasneverhaditsequalinsomerespects，andaUnitedStatesArmywhichconqueredsixtyIndiansineightmonthsbytiringthemout——whichismuchbetterthanuncivilizedslaughter，Godknows。Wehaveacriminaljurysystemwhichissuperiortoanyintheworld;anditsefficiencyisonlymarredbythedifficultyoffindingtwelvemeneverydaywhodon’tknowanythingandcan’tread。
AndImayobservethatwehaveaninsanitypleathatwouldhavesavedCain。IthinkIcansay，——andsaywithpride，thatwehavesomelegislaturesthatbringhigherpricesthananyintheworld。
Ireferwitheffusiontoourrailwaysystem，whichconsentstoletuslive，thoughitmightdotheopposite，beingourowners。Itonlydestroyedthreethousandandseventyliveslastyearbycollisions，andtwenty-seventhousandtwohundredandsixtybyrunningoverheedlessandunnecessarypeopleatcrossings。Thecompaniesseriouslyregrettedthekillingofthesethirtythousandpeople，andwentsofarastopayforsomeofthem——voluntarily，ofcourse，forthemeanestofuswouldnotclaimthatwepossessacourttreacherousenoughtoenforcealawagainstarailwaycompany。But，thankHeaven，therailwaycompaniesaregenerallydisposedtodotherightandkindlythingwithoutcompulsion。
Iknowofaninstancewhichgreatlytouchedmeatthetime。Afteranaccidentthecompanysenthometheremainsofadeardistantoldrelativeofmineinabasket，withtheremark，“Pleasestatewhatfigureyouholdhimat——andreturnthebasket。”，Nowtherecouldn’tbeanythingfriendlierthanthat。
ButImustnotstandhereandbragallnight。However，youwon’tmindabodybraggingalittleabouthiscountryonthefourthofJuly。Itisafairandlegitimatetimetoflytheeagle。Iwillsayonlyonemorewordofbrag——andahopefulone。Itisthis。Wehaveaformofgovernmentwhichgiveseachmanafairchanceandnofavor。Withusnoindividualisbornwitharighttolookdownuponhisneighborandholdhimincontempt。Letsuchofusasarenotdukesfindourconsolationinthat。
Andwemayfindhopeforthefutureinthefactthatasunhappyasistheconditionofourpoliticalmoralityto-day，EnglandhasrisenupoutofafarfoulersincethedayswhenCharlesI。ennobledcourtesansandallpoliticalplacewasamatterofbargainandsale。Thereishopeforusyet。
[AtleasttheaboveisthespeechwhichIwasgoingtomake，butourminister，GeneralSchenck，presided，andaftertheblessing，gotupandmadeagreatlonginconceivablydullharangue，andwoundupbysayingthatinasmuchasspeech-makingdidnotseemtoexhilaratetheguestsmuch，allfurtheroratorywouldbedispensedwithduringtheevening，andwecouldjustsitandtalkprivatelytoourelbow-
neighborsandhaveagoodsociabletime。Itisknownthatinconsequenceofthatremarkforty-fourperfectedspeechesdiedinthewomb。Thedepression，thegloom，thesolemnitythatreignedoverthebanquetfromthattimeforthwillbealastingmemorywithmanythatwerethere。BythatonethoughtlessremarkGeneralSchencklostforty-fourofthebestfriendshehadinEngland。Morethanonesaidthatnight，“Andthisisthesortofpersonthatissenttorepresentusinagreatsisterempire！”]
LIONIZINGMURDERERS
Ihadheardsomuchaboutthecelebratedfortune-tellerMadame——，thatIwenttoseeheryesterday。Shehasadarkcomplexionnaturally，andthiseffectisheightenedbyartificialaidswhichcosthernothing。
Shewearscurls——veryblackones，andIhadanimpressionthatshegavetheirnativeattractivenessaliftwithrancidbutter。Shewearsareddishcheckhandkerchief，castlooselyaroundherneck，anditwasplainthatherotheroneisslowgettingbackfromthewash。Ipresumeshetakessnuff。Atanyrate，somethingresemblingithadlodgedamongthehairssproutingfromherupperlip。Iknowshelikesgarlic——Iknewthatassoonasshesighed。Shelookedatmesearchinglyfornearlyaminute，withherblackeyes，andthensaid：
“Itisenough。Come！”
Shestarteddownaverydarkanddismalcorridor——Isteppingcloseafterher。Presentlyshestopped，andsaidthat，asthewaywassocrookedanddark，perhapsshehadbettergetalight。Butitseemedungallanttoallowawomantoputherselftosomuchtroubleforme，andsoIsaid：
“Itisnotworthwhile，madam。Ifyouwillheaveanothersigh，IthinkI
canfollowit。”
Sowegotalongallright。Arrivedatherofficialandmysteriousden，sheaskedmetotellherthedateofmybirth，theexacthourofthatoccurrence，andthecolorofmygrandmother’shair。IansweredasaccuratelyasIcould。Thenshesaid：
“Youngman，summonyourfortitude——donottremble。Iamabouttorevealthepast。”
“Informationconcerningthefuturewouldbe，inageneralway，more——“
“Silence！，Youhavehadmuchtrouble，somejoy，somegoodfortune，somebad。Yourgreatgrandfatherwashanged。”
“Thatisal——“
“Silence！，Hangedsir。Butitwasnothisfault。Hecouldnothelpit。”
“Iamgladyoudohimjustice。”
“Ah——grieve，rather，thatthejurydid。Hewashanged。Hisstarcrossesyoursinthefourthdivision，fifthsphere。Consequentlyyouwillbehangedalso。”
“Inviewofthischeerful——“
“Imusthavesilence。Yourswasnot，inthebeginning，acriminalnature，butcircumstanceschangedit。Attheageofnineyoustolesugar。Attheageoffifteenyoustolemoney。Attwentyyoustolehorses。Attwenty-fiveyoucommittedarson。Atthirty，hardenedincrime，youbecameaneditor。Youarenowapubliclecturer。Worsethingsareinstoreforyou。YouwillbesenttoCongress。Next，tothepenitentiary。Finally，happinesswillcomeagain——allwillbewell——youwillbehanged。”
Iwasnowintears。ItseemedhardenoughtogotoCongress;buttobehanged——thiswastoosad，toodreadful。Thewomanseemedsurprisedatmygrief。Itoldherthethoughtsthatwereinmymind。Thenshecomfortedme。
“Why，man，“shesaid，“holdupyourhead——youhavenothingtogrieveabout。Listen——
[Inthisparagraphthefortune-tellerdetailstheexacthistoryofthePike-BrownassassinationcaseinNewHampshire，fromthesuccoringandsavingofthestrangerPikebytheBrowns，tothesubsequenthangingandcoffiningofthattreacherousmiscreant。Sheaddsnothing，inventsnothing，exaggeratesnothingseeanyNewEnglandpaperforNovember，1869。ThisPike-Browncaseisselectedmerelyasatype，toillustrateacustomthatprevails，notinNewHampshirealone，butineverystateintheUnion——Imeanthesentimentalcustomofvisiting，petting，glorifying，andsnufflingovermurdererslikethisPike，fromthedaytheyenterthejailundersentenceofdeathuntiltheyswingfromthegallows。ThefollowingextractfromtheTempleBar1866revealsthefactthatthiscustomisnotconfinedtotheUnitedStates——“onDecember31，1841，amannamedJohnJohnes，ashoemaker，murderedhissweetheart，MaryHallam，thedaughterofarespectablelaborer，atMansfield，inthecountyofNottingham。HewasexecutedonMarch23，1842。Hewasamanofunsteadyhabits，andgavewaytoviolentfitsofpassion。Thegirldeclinedhisaddresses，andhesaidifhedidnothavehernooneelseshould。Afterhehadinflictedthefirstwound，whichwasnotimmediatelyfatal，shebeggedforherlife，butseeinghimresolved，askedfortimetopray。Hesaidthathewouldprayforboth，andcompletedthecrime。Thewoundswereinflictedbyashoemaker’sknife，andherthroatwascutbarbarously。Afterthishedroppedonhiskneessometime，andprayedGodtohavemercyontwounfortunatelovers。
Hemadenoattempttoescape，andconfessedthecrime。Afterhisimprisonmenthebehavedinamostdecorousmanner;hewonuponthegoodopinionofthejailchaplain，andhewasvisitedbytheBishopofLincoln。Itdoesnotappearthatheexpressedanycontritionforthecrime，butseemedtopassawaywithtriumphantcertaintythathewasgoingtorejoinhisvictiminheaven。HewasvisitedbysomepiousandbenevolentladiesofNottingham，someofwhomdeclaredhewasachildofGod，ifevertherewasone。Oneoftheladiessenthimawhilecamelliatowearathisexecution。”]
YouwillliveinNewHampshire。InyoursharpneedanddistresstheBrownfamilywillsuccoryou——suchofthemasPiketheassassinleftalive。Theywillbebenefactorstoyou。Whenyoushallhavegrownfatupontheirbounty，andaregratefulandhappy，youwilldesiretomakesomemodestreturnforthesethings，andsoyouwillgotothehousesomenightandbrainthewholefamilywithanax。Youwillrobthedeadbodiesofyourbenefactors，anddisburseyourgainsinriotouslivingamongtherowdiesandcourtesansofBoston。Thenyouwill，bearrested，tried，condemnedtobehanged，thrownintoprison。Nowisyourhappyday。Youwillbeconverted——youwillbeconvertedjustassoonaseveryefforttocompasspardon，commutation，orreprievehasfailed——andthen！——Why，then，everymorningandeveryafternoon，thebestandpurestyoungladiesofthevillagewillassembleinyourcellandsinghymns。
Thiswillshowthatassassinationisrespectable。Thenyouwillwriteatouchingletter，inwhichyouwillforgiveallthoserecentBrowns。Thiswillexcitethepublicadmiration。Nopubliccanwithstandmagnanimity。
Next，theywilltakeyoutothescaffold，withgreateclat，attheheadofanimposingprocessioncomposedofclergymen，officials，citizensgenerally，andyoungladieswalkingpensivelytwoandtwo，andbearingbouquetsandimmortelles。Youwillmountthescaffold，andwhilethegreatconcoursestanduncoveredinyourpresence，youwillreadyoursappylittlespeechwhichtheministerhaswrittenforyou。Andthen，inthemidstofagrandandimpressivesilence，theywillswingyouintoper——Paradise，myson。Therewillnotbeadryeyeontheground。Youwillbeahero！，Notaroughtherebutwillenvyyou。Notaroughtherebutwillresolvetoemulateyou。Andnext，agreatprocessionwillfollowyoutothetomb——willweepoveryourremains——theyoungladieswillsingagainthehymnsmadedearbysweetassociationsconnectedwiththejail，and，asalasttributeofaffection，respect，andappreciationofyourmanysterlingqualities，theywillwalktwoandtwoaroundyourbier，andstrewwreathsofflowersonit。Andlo！youarecanonized。
Thinkofit，son-ingrate，assassin，robberofthedead，drunkenbrawleramongthievesandharlotsintheslumsofBostononemonth，andthepetofthepureandinnocentdaughtersofthelandthenext！，Abloodyandhatefuldevil——abewept，bewailed，andsaintedmartyr——allinamonth！
Fool！——sonobleafortune，andyetyousitheregrieving！”
“No，madam，“Isaid，“youdomewrong，youdo，indeed。Iamperfectlysatisfied。Ididnotknowbeforethatmygreat-grandfatherwashanged，butitisofnoconsequence。Hehasprobablyceasedtobotheraboutitbythistime——andIhavenotcommencedyet。Iconfess，madam，thatIdosomethinginthewayofeditingandlecturing，buttheothercrimesyoumentionhaveescapedmymemory。YetImusthavecommittedthem——youwouldnotdeceiveastranger。Butletthepastbeasitwas，andletthefuturebeasitmay——thesearenothing。Ihaveonlycaredforonething。
IhavealwaysfeltthatIshouldbehangedsomeday，andsomehowthethoughthasannoyedmeconsiderably;butifyoucanonlyassuremethatI
shallbehangedinNewHampshire——“
“Notashadowofadoubt！”
“Blessyou，mybenefactress！——excusethisembrace——youhaveremovedagreatloadfrommybreast。TobehangedinNewHampshireishappiness——itleavesanhonorednamebehindaman，andintroduceshimatonceintothebestNewHampshiresocietyintheotherworld。”
Ithentookleaveofthefortune-teller。But，seriously，isitwelltoglorifyamurderousvillainonthescaffold，asPikewasglorifiedinNewHampshire？，Isitwelltoturnthepenaltyforabloodycrimeintoareward？，Isitjusttodoit？，Is，itsafe？
ANEWCRIME
LEGISLATIONNEEDED
Thiscountry，duringthelastthirtyorfortyyears，hasproducedsomeofthemostremarkablecasesofinsanityofwhichthereisanymentioninhistory。Forinstance，therewastheBaldwincase，inOhio，twenty-twoyearsago。Baldwin，fromhisboyhoodup，hadbeenofavindictive，malignant，quarrelsomenature。Heputaboy’seyeoutonce，andneverwashearduponanyoccasiontoutteraregretforit。Hedidmanysuchthings。Butatlasthedidsomethingthatwasserious。Hecalledatahousejustafterdarkoneevening，knocked，andwhentheoccupantcametothedoor，shothimdead，andthentriedtoescape，butwascaptured。
Twodaysbefore，hehadwantonlyinsultedahelplesscripple，andthemanheafterwardtookswiftvengeanceuponwithanassassinbullethadknockedhimdown。SuchwastheBaldwincase。Thetrialwaslongandexciting;thecommunitywasfearfullywroughtup。Mensaidthisspiteful，bad-heartedvillainhadcausedgriefenoughinhistime，andnowheshouldsatisfythelaw。Buttheyweremistaken;Baldwinwasinsanewhenhedidthedeed——theyhadnotthoughtofthat。Bytheargumentofcounselitwasshownthatathalfpastteninthemorningonthedayofthemurder，Baldwinbecameinsane，andremainedsoforelevenhoursandahalfexactly。Thisjustcoveredthecasecomfortably，andhewasacquitted。Thus，ifanunthinkingandexcitedcommunityhadbeenlistenedtoinsteadoftheargumentsofcounsel，apoorcrazycreaturewouldhavebeenheldtoafearfulresponsibilityforamerefreakofmadness。Baldwinwentclear，andalthoughhisrelativesandfriendswerenaturallyincensedagainstthecommunityfortheirinjurioussuspicionsandremarks，theysaidletitgoforthistime，anddidnotprosecute。
TheBaldwinswereverywealthy。ThissameBaldwinhadmomentaryfitsofinsanitytwiceafterward，andonbothoccasionskilledpeoplehehadgrudgesagainst。Andonboththeseoccasionsthecircumstancesofthekillingweresoaggravated，andthemurderssoseeminglyheartlessandtreacherous，thatifBaldwinhadnotbeeninsanehewouldhavebeenhangedwithouttheshadowofadoubt。Asitwas，itrequiredallhispoliticalandfamilyinfluencetogethimclearinoneofthecases，andcosthimnotlessthantenthousanddollarstogetclearintheother。
Oneofthesemenhehadnotoriouslybeenthreateningtokillfortwelveyears。Thepoorcreaturehappened，bythemerestpieceofillfortune，tocomealongadarkalleyattheverymomentthatBaldwin’sinsanitycameuponhim，andsohewasshotinthebackwithagunloadedwithslugs。
TakethecaseofLynchHackett，ofPennsylvania。Twice，inpublic，heattackedaGermanbutcherbythenameofBemisFeldner，withacane，andbothtimesFeldnerwhippedhimwithhisfists。Hackettwasavain，wealthy，violentgentleman，whoheldhisbloodandfamilyinhighesteem，andbelievedthatareverentrespectwasduetohisgreatriches。Hebroodedovertheshameofhischastisementfortwoweeks，andthen，inamomentaryfitofinsanity，armedhimselftotheteeth，rodeintotown，waitedacoupleofhoursuntilhesawFeldnercomingdownthestreetwithhiswifeonhisarm，andthen，asthecouplepassedthedoorwayinwhichhehadpartiallyconcealedhimself，hedroveaknifeintoFeldner’sneck，killinghiminstantly。Thewidowcaughtthelimpformandeasedittotheearth。Bothweredrenchedwithblood。Hackettjocoselyremarkedtoherthatasaprofessionalbutcher’srecentwifeshecouldappreciatetheartisticneatnessofthejobthatleftherinconditiontomarryagain，incaseshewantedto。Thisremark，andanotherwhichhemadetoafriend，thathispositioninsocietymadethekillingofanobscurecitizensimplyan“eccentricity“insteadofacrime，wereshowntobeevidencesofinsanity，andsoHackettescapedpunishment。Thejurywerehardlyinclinedtoaccepttheseasproofsatfirst，inasmuchastheprisonerhadneverbeeninsanebeforethemurder，andunderthetranquilizingeffectofthebutcheringhadimmediatelyregainedhisrightmind;butwhenthedefensecametoshowthatathirdcousinofHackett’swife’sstepfatherwasinsane，andnotonlyinsane，buthadanosetheverycounterpartofHackett’s，itwasplainthatinsanitywashereditaryinthefamily，andHacketthadcomebyitbylegitimateinheritance。
Ofcoursethejurythenacquittedhim。ButitwasamercifulprovidencethatMrs。H。’speoplehadbeenafflictedasshown，elseHackettwouldcertainlyhavebeenhanged。
However，itisnotpossibletorecountallthemarvelouscasesofinsanitythathavecomeunderthepublicnoticeinthelastthirtyorfortyyears。TherewastheDurgincaseinNewJerseythreeyearsago。
Theservantgirl，BridgetDurgin，atdeadofnight，invadedhermistress’sbedroomandcarvedtheladyliterallytopieceswithaknife。
Thenshedraggedthebodytothemiddleofthefloor，andbeatandbangeditwithchairsandsuchthings。Nextsheopenedthefeatherbeds，andstrewedthecontentsaround，saturatedeverythingwithkerosene，andsetfiretothegeneralwreck。Shenowtookuptheyoungchildofthemurderedwomaninherbloodsmearedhandsandwalkedoff，throughthesnow，withnoshoeson，toaneighbor’shouseaquarterofamileoff，andtoldastringofwild，incoherentstoriesaboutsomemencomingandsettingfiretothehouse;andthenshecriedpiteously，andwithoutseemingtothinktherewasanythingsuggestiveabouttheblooduponherhands，herclothing，andthebaby，volunteeredtheremarkthatshewasafraidthosemenhadmurderedhermistress！，Afterward，byherownconfessionandothertestimony，itwasprovedthatthemistresshadalwaysbeenkindtothegirl，consequentlytherewasnorevengeinthemurder;anditwasalsoshownthatthegirltooknothingawayfromtheburninghouse，notevenherownshoes，andconsequentlyrobberywasnotthemotive。
Now，thereadersays，“Herecomesthatsameoldpleaofinsanityagain。”
Butthereaderhasdeceivedhimselfthistime。Nosuchpleawasofferedinherdefense。Thejudgesentencedher，nobodypersecutedthegovernorwithpetitionsforherpardon，andshewaspromptlyhanged。
TherewasthatyouthinPennsylvania，whosecuriousconfessionwaspublishedsomeyearsago。Itwassimplyaconglomerationofincoherentdrivelfrombeginningtoend;andsowashislengthyspeechonthescaffoldafterward。Forawholeyearhewashauntedwithadesiretodisfigureacertainyoungwoman，sothatnoonewouldmarryher。Hedidnotloveherhimself，anddidnotwanttomarryher，buthedidnotwantanybodyelsetodoit。Hewouldnotgoanywherewithher，andyetwasopposedtoanybodyelse’sescortingher。Upononeoccasionhedeclinedtogotoaweddingwithher，andwhenshegotothercompany，layinwaitforthecouplebytheroad，intendingtomakethemgobackorkilltheescort。Afterspendingsleeplessnightsoverhisrulingdesireforafullyear，heatlastattempteditsexecution——thatis，attemptedtodisfiguretheyoungwoman。Itwasasuccess。Itwaspermanent。Intryingtoshoothercheekasshesatatthesupper-tablewithherparentsandbrothersandsistersinsuchamannerastomaritscomeliness，oneofhisbulletswanderedalittleoutofthecourse，andshedroppeddead。Totheverylastmomentofhislifehebewailedtheillluckthatmadehermoveherfacejustatthecriticalmoment。Andsohedied，apparentlyabouthalfpersuadedthatsomehowitwaschieflyherownfaultthatshegotkilled。Thisidiotwashanged。Theplea，ofinsanitywasnotoffered。
Insanitycertainlyisontheincreaseintheworld，andcrimeisdyingout。Therearenolongeranymurders——noneworthmentioning，atanyrate。Formerly，ifyoukilledaman，itwaspossiblethatyouwereinsane——butnow，ifyou，havingfriendsandmoney，killamate，itisevidencethatyouarealunatic。Inthesedays，too，ifapersonofgoodfamilyandhighsocialstandingstealsanything，theycallitkleptomania，andsendhimtothelunaticasylum。Ifapersonofhighstandingsquandershisfortuneindissipation，andcloseshiscareerwithstrychnineorabullet，“TemporaryAberration“iswhatwasthetroublewithhim。
Isnotthisinsanitypleabecomingrathercommon？，Isitnotsocommonthatthereaderconfidentlyexpectstoseeitofferedineverycriminalcasethatcomesbeforethecourts？，Andisitnotsocheap，andsocommon，andoftensotrivial，thatthereadersmilesinderisionwhenthenewspapermentionsit？
Andisitnotcurioustonotehowveryoftenitwinsacquittalfortheprisoner？，Oflateyearsitdoesnotseempossibleforamantosoconducthimself，beforekillinganotherman，asnottobemanifestlyinsane。Ifhetalksaboutthestars，heisinsane。Ifheappearsnervousanduneasyanhourbeforethekilling，heisinsane。Ifheweepsoveragreatgrief，hisfriendsshaketheirheads，andfearthatheis“notright。”，If，anhourafterthemurder，heseemsillatease，preoccupied，andexcited，heis，unquestionablyinsane。
Really，whatwewantnow，isnotlawsagainstcrime，butalawagainstinsanity。Thereiswherethetrueevillies。
ACURIOUSDREAM
CONTAININGAMORAL
NightbeforelastIhadasingulardream。Iseemedtobesittingonadoorstepinnoparticularcityperhapsruminating，andthetimeofnightappearedtobeabouttwelveoroneo’clock。Theweatherwasbalmyanddelicious。Therewasnohumansoundintheair，notevenafootstep。
Therewasnosoundofanykindtoemphasizethedeadstillness，excepttheoccasionalhollowbarkingofadoginthedistanceandthefainteranswerofafurtherdog。PresentlyupthestreetIheardabonyclack-clacking，andguesseditwasthecastanetsofaserenadingparty。
Inaminutemoreatallskeleton，hooded，andhalfcladinatatteredandmoldyshroud，whoseshredswereflappingabouttheribbylatticeworkofitsperson，swungbymewithastatelystrideanddisappearedinthegraygloomofthestarlight。Ithadabrokenandworm-eatencoffinonitsshoulderandabundleofsomethinginitshand。Iknewwhattheclack-clackingwasthen;itwasthisparty’sjointsworkingtogether，andhiselbowsknockingagainsthissidesashewalked。ImaysayIwassurprised。BeforeIcouldcollectmythoughtsandenteruponanyspeculationsastowhatthisapparitionmightportend，IheardanotheronecomingforIrecognizedhisclack-clack。Hehadtwo-thirdsofacoffinonhisshoulder，andsomefootandheadboardsunderhisarm。
Imightilywanted，topeerunderhishoodandspeaktohim，butwhenheturnedandsmileduponmewithhiscavernoussocketsandhisprojectinggrinashewentby，IthoughtIwouldnotdetainhim。HewashardlygonewhenIheardtheclackingagain，andanotheroneissuedfromtheshadowyhalf-light。Thisonewasbendingunderaheavygravestone，anddraggingashabbycoffinafterhimbyastring。Whenhegottomehegavemeasteadylookforamomentortwo，andthenroundedtoandbackeduptome，saying：
“Easethisdownforafellow，willyou？”
Ieasedthegravestonedowntillitrestedontheground，andindoingsonoticedthatitborethenameof“JohnBaxterCopmanhurst，“with“May，1839，“asthedateofhisdeath。Deceasedsatwearilydownbyme，andwipedhisosfrontiswithhismajormaxillary——chieflyfromformerhabitIjudged，forIcouldnotseethathebroughtawayanyperspiration。
“Itistoobad，toobad，“saidhe，drawingtheremnantoftheshroudabouthimandleaninghisjawpensivelyonhishand。Thenheputhisleftfootuponhiskneeandfelltoscratchinghisankleboneabsentlywitharustynailwhichhegotoutofhiscoffin。
“Whatistoobad，friend？”
“Oh，everything，everything。IalmostwishIneverhaddied。”
“Yousurpriseme。Whydoyousaythis？，Hasanythinggonewrong？，Whatisthematter？”
“Matter！，Lookatthisshroud-rags。Lookatthisgravestone，allbatteredup。Lookatthatdisgracefuloldcoffin。Allaman’spropertygoingtoruinanddestructionbeforehiseyes，andaskhimifanythingiswrong？，Fireandbrimstone！”
“Calmyourself，calmyourself，“Isaid。”Itistoobad-itiscertainlytoobad，butthenIhadnotsupposedthatyouwouldmuchmindsuchmatterssituatedasyouare。”
“Well，mydearsir，Idomindthem。Myprideishurt，andmycomfortisimpaired——destroyed，Imightsay。Iwillstatemycase——Iwillputittoyouinsuchawaythatyoucancomprehendit，ifyouwillletme，“saidthepoorskeleton，tiltingthehoodofhisshroudback，asifhewereclearingforaction，andthusunconsciouslygivinghimselfajauntyandfestiveairverymuchatvariancewiththegravecharacterofhispositioninlife——sotospeak——andinprominentcontrastwithhisdistressfulmood。
“Proceed，“saidI。
“Iresideintheshamefuloldgraveyardablockortwoaboveyouhere，inthisstreet——there，now，Ijustexpectedthatcartilagewouldletgo！——
thirdribfromthebottom，friend，hitchtheendofittomyspinewithastring，ifyouhavegotsuchathingaboutyou，thoughabitofsilverwireisadealpleasanter，andmoredurableandbecoming，ifonekeepsitpolished——tothinkofshreddingoutandgoingtopiecesinthisway，justonaccountoftheindifferenceandneglectofone’sposterity！”——andthepoorghostgratedhisteethinawaythatgavemeawrenchandashiver——fortheeffectismightilyincreasedbytheabsenceofmufflingfleshandcuticle。”Iresideinthatoldgraveyard，andhaveforthesethirtyyears;andItellyouthingsarechangedsinceIfirstlaidthisoldtiredframethere，andturnedover，andstretchedoutforalongsleep，withadelicioussenseuponmeofbeingdonewithbother，andgrief，andanxiety，anddoubt，andfear，foreverandever，andlisteningwithcomfortableandincreasingsatisfactiontothesexton’swork，fromthestartlingclatterofhisfirstspadefulonmycoffintillitdulledawaytothefaintpattingthatshapedtheroofofmynewhome-delicious！，My！
Iwishyoucouldtryitto-night！”andoutofmyreveriedeceasedfetchedmearattlingslapwithabonyhand。
“Yes，sir，thirtyyearsagoIlaidmedownthere，andwashappy。Foritwasoutinthecountrythen——outinthebreezy，flowery，grandoldwoods，andthelazywindsgossipedwiththeleaves，andthesquirrelscaperedoverusandaroundus，andthecreepingthingsvisitedus，andthebirdsfilledthetranquilsolitudewithmusic。Ah，itwasworthtenyearsofaman’slifetobedeadthen！，Everythingwaspleasant。Iwasinagoodneighborhood，forallthedeadpeoplethatlivednearmebelongedtothebestfamiliesinthecity。Ourposterityappearedtothinktheworldofus。Theykeptourgravesintheverybestcondition;thefenceswerealwaysinfaultlessrepair，head-boardswerekeptpaintedorwhitewashed，andwerereplacedwithnewonesassoonastheybegantolookrustyordecayed;monumentswerekeptupright，railingsintactandbright，therose-bushesandshrubberytrimmed，trained，andfreefromblemish，thewalkscleanandsmoothandgraveled。Butthatdayisgoneby。Ourdescendantshaveforgottenus。Mygrandsonlivesinastatelyhousebuiltwithmoneymadebytheseoldhandsofmine，andIsleepinaneglectedgravewithinvadingverminthatgnawmyshroudtobuildthemnestswithal！，Iandfriendsthatliewithmefoundedandsecuredtheprosperityofthisfinecity，andthestatelybantlingofourlovesleavesustorotinadilapidatedcemeterywhichneighborscurseandstrangersscoffat。Seethedifferencebetweentheoldtimeandthis——forinstance：Ourgravesareallcavedinnow;ourhead-boardshaverottedawayandtumbleddown;ourrailingsreelthiswayandthat，withonefootintheair，afterafashionofunseemlylevity;ourmonumentsleanwearily，andourgravestonesbowtheirheadsdiscouraged;therebenoadornmentsanymore——noroses，norshrubs，norgraveledwalks，noranythingthatisacomforttotheeye;andeventhepaintlessoldboardfencethatdidmakeashowofholdingussacredfromcompanionshipwithbeastsandthedefilementofheedlessfeet，hastotteredtillitoverhangsthestreet，andonlyadvertisesthepresenceofourdismalresting-placeandinvitesyetmorederisiontoit。Andnowwecannothideourpovertyandtattersinthefriendlywoods，forthecityhasstretcheditswitheringarmsabroadandtakenusin，andallthatremainsofthecheerofouroldhomeistheclusteroflugubriousforesttreesthatstand，boredandwearyofacitylife，withtheirfeetinourcoffins，lookingintothehazydistanceandwishingtheywerethere。
Itellyouitisdisgraceful！
“Youbegintocomprehend——youbegintoseehowitis。Whileourdescendantsarelivingsumptuouslyonourmoney，rightaroundusinthecity，wehavetofighthardtokeepskullandbonestogether。Blessyou，thereisn’tagraveinourcemeterythatdoesn’tleaknotone。Everytimeitrainsinthenightwehavetoclimboutandroostinthetreesandsometimeswearewakenedsuddenlybythechillywatertricklingdownthebackofournecks。ThenItellyouthereisageneralheavingupofoldgravesandkickingoverofoldmonuments，andscamperingofoldskeletonsforthetrees！，Blessme，ifyouhadgonealongtheresomesuchnightsaftertwelveyoumighthaveseenasmanyasfifteenofusroostingononelimb，withourjointsrattlingdrearilyandthewindwheezingthroughourribs！，Manyatimewehaveperchedthereforthreeorfourdrearyhours，andthencomedown，stiffandchilledthroughanddrowsy，andborrowedeachother’sskullstobailoutourgraveswith——ifyouwillglanceupinmymouthnowasItiltmyheadback，youcanseethatmyhead-pieceishalffullofolddrysedimenthowtop-heavyandstupiditmakesmesometimes！，Yes，sir，manyatimeifyouhadhappenedtocomealongjustbeforethedawnyou’dhavecaughtusbailingoutthegravesandhangingourshroudsonthefencetodry。Why，Ihadanelegantshroudstolenfromthereonemorning——thinkapartybythenameofSmithtookit，thatresidesinaplebeiangraveyardoveryonder——IthinksobecausethefirsttimeIeversawhimhehadn’tanythingonbutacheckshirt，andthelasttimeIsawhim，whichwasatasocialgatheringinthenewcemetery，hewasthebest-dressedcorpseinthecompany——anditisasignificantfactthatheleftwhenhesawme;andpresentlyanoldwomanfromheremissedhercoffin——shegenerallytookitwithherwhenshewentanywhere，becauseshewasliabletotakecoldandbringonthespasmodicrheumatismthatoriginallykilledherifsheexposedherselftothenightairmuch。ShewasnamedHotchkiss——AnnaMatildaHotchkiss——youmightknowher？，Shehastwoupperfrontteeth，istall，butagooddealinclinedtostoop，oneribontheleftsidegone，hasoneshredofrustyhairhangingfromtheleftsideofherhead，andonelittletuftjustaboveandalittleforwardofherrightear，hasherunderjawwiredononesidewhereithadworkedloose，smallboneofleftforearmgone——lostinafighthasakindofswaggerinhergaitanda’gallus’wayofgoingwith：herarmsakimboandhernostrilsintheairhasbeenprettyfreeandeasy，andisalldamagedandbattereduptillshelookslikeaqueenswarecrateinruins——maybeyouhavemether？”
“Godforbid！”Iinvoluntarilyejaculated，forsomehowIwasnotlookingforthatformofquestion，anditcaughtmealittleoffmyguard。ButI
hastenedtomakeamendsformyrudeness，andsay，“IsimplymeantIhadnothadthehonor——forIwouldnotdeliberatelyspeakdiscourteouslyofafriendofyours。Youweresayingthatyouwererobbed——anditwasashame，too——butitappearsbywhatisleftoftheshroudyouhaveonthatitwasacostlyoneinitsday。Howdid——“
Amostghastlyexpressionbegantodevelopamongthedecayedfeaturesandshriveledintegumentsofmyguest’sface，andIwasbeginningtogrowuneasyanddistressed，whenhetoldmehewasonlyworkingupadeep，slysmile，withawinkinit，tosuggestthataboutthetimeheacquiredhispresentgarmentaghostinaneighboringcemeterymissedone。Thisreassuredme，butIbeggedhimtoconfinehimselftospeechthenceforth，becausehisfacialexpressionwasuncertain。Evenwiththemostelaboratecareitwasliabletomissfire。Smilingshouldespeciallybeavoided。Whathemighthonestlyconsiderashiningsuccesswaslikelytostrikemeinaverydifferentlight。IsaidIlikedtoseeaskeletoncheerful，evendecorouslyplayful，butIdidnotthinksmilingwasaskeleton’sbesthold。
“Yes，friend，“saidthepoorskeleton，“thefactsarejustasIhavegiventhemtoyou。Twooftheseoldgraveyards——theonethatIresidedinandonefurtheralonghavebeendeliberatelyneglectedbyourdescendantsofto-dayuntilthereisnooccupyingthemanylonger。Asidefromtheosteologicaldiscomfortofit——andthatisnolightmatterthisrainyweather——thepresentstateofthingsisruinoustoproperty。Wehavegottomoveorbecontenttoseeoureffectswastedawayandutterlydestroyed。
Now，youwillhardlybelieveit，butitistrue，nevertheless，thatthereisn’tasinglecoffiningoodrepairamongallmyacquaintance——nowthatisanabsolutefact。Idonotrefertolowpeoplewhocomeinapineboxmountedonanexpress-wagon，butIamtalkingaboutyourhigh-toned，silver-mountedburial-case，yourmonumentalsort，thattravelunderblackplumesattheheadofaprocessionandhavechoiceofcemeterylots——
ImeanfolksliketheJarvises，andtheBledsoesandBurlings，andsuch。
Theyareallaboutruined。Themostsubstantialpeopleinourset，theywere。Andnowlookatthem——utterlyusedupandpoverty-stricken。OneoftheBledsoesactuallytradedhismonumenttoalatebarkeeperforsomefreshshavingstoputunderhishead。Itellyouitspeaksvolumes，forthereisnothingacorpsetakessomuchprideinashismonument。Helovestoreadtheinscription。Hecomesafterawhiletobelievewhatitsayshimself，andthenyoumayseehimsittingonthefencenightafternightenjoyingit。Epitaphsarecheap，andtheydoapoorchapaworldofgoodafterheisdead，especiallyifhehadhardluckwhilehewasalive。Iwishtheywereusedmore。NowIdon’tcomplain，butconfidentiallyIdothinkitwasalittleshabbyinmydescendantstogivemenothingbutthisoldslabofagravestone——andallthemorethatthereisn’tacomplimentonit。Itusedtohave：
’GONETOHISJUSTREWARD’
onit，andIwasproudwhenIfirstsawit，butbyandbyInoticedthatwheneveranoldfriendofminecamealonghewouldhookhischinontherailingandpullalongfaceandreadalongdowntillhecametothat，andthenhewouldchuckletohimselfandwalkoff，lookingsatisfiedandcomfortable。SoIscratcheditofftogetridofthosefools。Butadeadmanalwaystakesadealofprideinhismonument。YondergoeshalfadozenoftheJarvisesnow，withthefamilymonumentalong。AndSmithersandsomehiredspecterswentbywithhisawhileago。Hello，Higgins，good-by，oldfriend！，That’sMeredithHiggins——diedin’44——
belongstooursetinthecemetery——fineoldfamily——great-grandmotherwasanInjun——Iamonthemostfamiliartermswithhimhedidn’thearmewasthereasonhedidn’tanswerme。AndIamsorry，too，becauseIwouldhavelikedtointroduceyou。Youwouldadmirehim。Heisthemostdisjointed，sway-backed，andgenerallydistortedoldskeletonyoueversaw，butheisfulloffun。Whenhelaughsitsoundslikeraspingtwostonestogether，andhealwaysstartsitoffwithacheeryscreechlikerakinganailacrossawindow-pane。Hey，Jones！，ThatisoldColumbusJones——shroudcostfourhundreddollarsentiretrousseau，includingmonument，twenty-sevenhundred。Thiswasinthespringof’26。Itwasenormousstyleforthosedays。DeadpeoplecameallthewayfromtheAlleghaniestoseehisthings——thepartythatoccupiedthegravenexttomineremembersitwell。Nowdoyouseethatindividualgoingalongwithapieceofahead-boardunderhisarm，oneleg-bonebelowhiskneegone，andnotathingintheworldon？，ThatisBarstowDalhousie，andnexttoColumbusJoneshewasthemostsumptuouslyoutfittedpersonthateverenteredourcemetery。Weareallleaving。Wecannottoleratethetreatmentwearereceivingatthehandsofourdescendants。Theyopennewcemeteries，buttheyleaveustoourignominy。Theymendthestreets，buttheynevermendanythingthatisaboutusorbelongstous。
Lookatthatcoffinofmine——yetItellyouinitsdayitwasapieceoffurniturethatwouldhaveattractedattentioninanydrawing-roominthiscity。Youmayhaveitifyouwantit——Ican’taffordtorepairit。
Putanewbottominher，andpartofanewtop，andabitoffreshliningalongtheleftside，andyou’llfindheraboutascomfortableasanyreceptacleofherspeciesyouevertried。Nothanksno，don’tmentionityouhavebeenciviltome，andIwouldgiveyouallthepropertyIhavegotbeforeIwouldseemungrateful。Nowthiswinding-sheetisakindofasweetthinginitsway，ifyouwouldliketo——No？，Well，justasyousay，butIwishedtobefairandliberalthere’snothingmeanaboutme。
Good-by，friend，Imustbegoing。Imayhaveagoodwaytogoto-night——don’tknow。Ionlyknowonethingforcertain，andthatisthatIamontheemigranttrailnow，andI’llneversleepinthatcrazyoldcemeteryagain。IwilltraveltillIfiendrespectablequarters，ifI
havetohoofittoNewJersey。Alltheboysaregoing。Itwasdecidedinpublicconclave，lastnight，toemigrate，andbythetimethesunrisestherewon’tbeaboneleftinouroldhabitations。Suchcemeteriesmaysuitmysurvivingfriends，buttheydonotsuittheremainsthathavethehonortomaketheseremarks。Myopinionisthegeneralopinion。
Ifyoudoubtit，goandseehowthedepartingghostsupsetthingsbeforetheystarted。Theywerealmostriotousintheirdemonstrationsofdistaste。Hello，herearesomeoftheBledsoes，andifyouwillgivemealiftwiththistombstoneIguessIwilljoincompanyandjogalongwiththem——mightyrespectableoldfamily，theBledsoes，andusedtoalwayscomeoutinsix-horsehearsesandallthatsortofthingfiftyyearsagowhenIwalkedthesestreetsindaylight。Good-by，friend。”
Andwithhisgravestoneonhisshoulderhejoinedthegrislyprocession，dragginghisdamagedcoffinafterhim，fornotwithstandinghepressedituponmesoearnestly，Iutterlyrefusedhishospitality。Isupposethatforasmuchastwohoursthesesadoutcastswentclackingby，ladenwiththeirdismaleffects，andallthattimeIsatpityingthem。Oneortwooftheyoungestandleastdilapidatedamongtheminquiredaboutmidnighttrainsontherailways，buttherestseemedunacquaintedwiththatmodeoftravel，andmerelyaskedaboutcommonpublicroadstovarioustownsandcities，someofwhicharenotonthemapnow，andvanishedfromitandfromtheearthasmuchasthirtyyearsago，andsomefewofthemneverhadexistedanywherebutonmaps，andprivateonesinreal-estateagenciesatthat。Andtheyaskedabouttheconditionofthecemeteriesinthesetownsandcities，andaboutthereputationthecitizensboreastoreverenceforthedead。
Thiswholematterinterestedmedeeply，andlikewisecompelledmysympathyforthesehomelessones。Anditallseemingreal，andInotknowingitwasadream，Imentionedtooneshroudedwandereranideathathadenteredmyheadtopublishanaccountofthiscuriousandverysorrowfulexodus，butsaidalsothatIcouldnotdescribeittruthfully，andjustasitoccurred，withoutseemingtotriflewithagravesubjectandexhibitanirreverenceforthedeadthatwouldshockanddistresstheirsurvivingfriends。Butthisblandandstatelyremnantofaformercitizenleanedhimfarovermygateandwhisperedinmyear，andsaid：
“Donotletthatdisturbyou。Thecommunitythatcanstandsuchgraveyardsasthoseweareemigratingfromcanstandanythingabodycansayabouttheneglectedandforsakendeadthatlieinthem。”
Atthatverymomentacockcrowed，andtheweirdprocessionvanishedandleftnotashredorabonebehind。Iawoke，andfoundmyselflyingwithmyheadoutofthebedand“sagging“downwardconsiderably——apositionfavorabletodreamingdreamswithmoralsinthem，maybe，butnotpoetry。
NOTE——Thereaderisassuredthatifthecemeteriesinhistownarekeptingoodorder，thisDreamisnotleveledathistownatall，butisleveledparticularlyandvenomouslyatthenexttown。
ATRUESTORY
REPEATEDWORDFORWORDASIHEARDIT——[Writtenabout1876]
Itwassummer-time，andtwilight。Weweresittingontheporchofthefarmhouse，onthesummitofthehill，and“AuntRachel“wassittingrespectfullybelowourlevel，onthesteps-forshewasourServant，andcolored。Shewasofmightyframeandstature;shewassixtyyearsold，buthereyewasundimmedandherstrengthunabated。Shewasacheerful，heartysoul，anditwasnomoretroubleforhertolaughthanitisforabirdtosing。Shewasunderfirenow，asusualwhenthedaywasdone。
Thatistosay，shewasbeingchaffedwithoutmercy，andwasenjoyingit。
Shewouldletoffpealafteroflaughter，andthensitwithherfaceinherhandsandshakewiththroesofenjoymentwhichshecouldnolongergetbreathenoughtoexpress。Itsuchamomentasthisathoughtoccurredtome，andIsaid：
“AuntRachel，howisitthatyou’velivedsixtyyearsandneverhadanytrouble？”
Shestoppedquaking。Shepaused，andtherewasmomentofsilence。Sheturnedherfaceoverhershouldertowardme，andsaid，withoutevenasmilehervoice：
“MistoC——，isyouin’arnest？”
Itsurprisedmeagooddeal;anditsoberedmymannerandmyspeech，too。
Isaid：
“Why，Ithought——thatis，Imeant——why，youcan’thavehadanytrouble。
I’veneverheardyousigh，andneverseenyoureyewhentherewasn’talaughinit。”
Shefacedfairlyaroundnow，andwasfullearnestness。
“HasIhadanytrouble？MistoC——，I’sgwynetotellyou，denIleaveittoyou。Iwasbawndown’mongstdeslaves;Iknowsall’boutslavery，’caseIbenoneof’emmyownse’f。Wellsah，myoleman——dat’smyhusban’——hewaslovan’kindtome，jistaskindasyouistoyo’ownwife。An’wehadchil’en——sevenchil’en——an’loveddemchil’enjistdesameasyoulovesyo’chil’en。Deywasblack，butdeLordcan’tmakechil’ensoblackbutwhatdeymotherloves’eman’wouldn’tgive’emup，no，notforanythingdat’sindiswholeworld。
“Well，sah，IwasraisedinoleFo’ginny，butmothershewasraisedinMaryland;an’mysoulsshewasturriblewhenshe’dgitstarted！，Mylan！
butshe’dmakedefurfly！，Whenshe’dgitintodemtantrums，shealwayshadoneworddatshesaid。She’dstraightenherse’fupan’putherfistsinherhipsan’say，’Iwantyoutounderstan’datIwa’n’tbawninthemashtobefool’bytrash！，I’soneo’deoleBlueHen’sChickens，Iis！’
’Ca’seyousee，dat’swhatfolksdat’sbawninMarylandcallsdeyselves，an’dey’sproudofit。Well，datwasherword。Idon’teverforgitit，beca’seshesaiditsomuch，an’beca’seshesaiditonedaywhenmylittleHenrytorehiswris’awful，andmostbusted’ishead，rightupatdetopofhisforehead，an’deniggersdidn’tflyaroun’fas’enoughto’tendtohim。An’whendeytalk’backather，sheupan’shesays，’Look-a-heah！’shesays，’Iwantyouniggerstounderstan’datIwa’n’tbawnindemashbefool’bytrash！I’soneo’deoleBlueHen’schickens，Iis！’an’densheclar’datkitchenan’bandage’updechileherse’f。
SoIsaysdatword，too，whenI’sriled。
“Well，bymebymyolemistissayshe’sbroke，anshegottosellalldeniggersondeplace。An’whenIheahdatdeygwynetosellusalloffatoctioninRichmon’，oh，degoodgracious！Iknowwhatdatmean！”
AuntRachelhadgraduallyrisen，whileshewarmedtohersubject，andnowshetoweredaboveus，blackagainstthestars。
“Deyputchainsonusan’putusonastan’ashighasdispo’ch——twentyfoothigh-an’alldepeoplestoodaroun’，crowds’an’crowds。An’dey’dcomeupdahan’lookatusallroun’，an’squeezeourarm，an’makeusgitupan’walk，an’densay，Disonetooole，’or’Disonelame，’or’Disonedon’t’mounttomuch。’An’deysolemyoleman，an’tookhimaway，an’deybegintosellmychil’enan’takedemaway，an’Ibegintocry;an’demansay，’Shetupyo’damnblubberin’，’an’hitmeondemoufwidhishan’。An’whendelas’onewasgonebutmylittleHenry，Igrab’
himclostuptomybreas’so，an’Irisupan’says，’Yousha’nttakehimaway，’Isays;’I’llkilldemandattetchhim！’Isays。ButmylittleHenrywhisperan’say’Igwynetorunaway，an’denIworkan’buyyo’
freedom’Oh，blessdechile，healwayssogood！，Butdeygothim——deygothim，demendid;butItookandteardeclo’esmos’offof’eman’beat’emoverdeheadwidmychain;an’deygiveittometoo，butIdidn’tminedat。