“Andsotheblessedreliefdidcomeatlast？”
　　“Yes，itcameonebright，sunnymorning，justafterelection。JohnMurphywasthechoice，andthereneverwasabetter，Iamwillingtotestify;butJohnMurphycamehomewithus，inthetrainthatcametosuccorus，andlivedtomarrythewidowHarris——“
　　“Relictof——“
　　“Relictofourfirstchoice。Hemarriedher，andishappyandrespectedandprosperousyet。Ah，itwaslikeanovel，sir——itwaslikearomance。
　　Thisismystopping-place，sir;Imustbidyougoodby。Anytimethatyoucanmakeitconvenienttotarryadayortwowithme，Ishallbegladtohaveyou。Ilikeyou，sir;Ihaveconceivedanaffectionforyou。
　　IcouldlikeyouaswellasIlikedHarrishimself，sir。Goodday，sir，andapleasantjourney。”
　　Hewasgone。Ineverfeltsostunned，sodistressed，sobewilderedinmylife。ButinmysoulIwasgladhewasgone。Withallhisgentlenessofmannerandhissoftvoice，Ishudderedwheneverheturnedhishungryeyeuponme;andwhenIheardthatIhadachievedhisperilousaffection，andthatIstoodalmostwiththelateHarrisinhisesteem，myheartfairlystoodstill！
　　Iwasbewilderedbeyonddescription。Ididnotdoubthisword;Icouldnotquestionasingleiteminastatementsostampedwiththeearnestnessoftruthashis;butitsdreadfuldetailsoverpoweredme，andthrewmythoughtsintohopelessconfusion。Isawtheconductorlookingatme。
　　Isaid，“Whoisthatman？”
　　“HewasamemberofCongressonce，andagoodone。Buthegotcaughtinasnow-driftinthecars，andliketohavebeenstarvedtodeath。Hegotsofrost-bittenandfrozenupgenerally，andusedupforwantofsomethingtoeat，thathewassickandoutofhisheadtwoorthreemonthsafterward。Heisallrightnow，onlyheisamonomaniac，andwhenhegetsonthatoldsubjectheneverstopstillhehaseatupthatwholecar-loadofpeoplehetalksabout。Hewouldhavefinishedthecrowdbythistime，onlyhehadtogetouthere。HehasgottheirnamesaspatasABC。Whenhegetsthemalleatupbuthimself，healwayssays：’Thenthehourfortheusualelectionforbreakfasthavingarrived;andtherebeingnoopposition，Iwasdulyelected，afterwhich，therebeingnoobjectionsoffered，Iresigned。ThusIamhere。’“
　　IfeltinexpressiblyrelievedtoknowthatIhadonlybeenlisteningtotheharmlessvagariesofamadmaninsteadofthegenuineexperiencesofabloodthirstycannibal。
　　THEKILLINGOFJULIUSCAESAR“LOCALIZED“——[Writtenabout1865。]
　　Beingtheonlytrueandreliableaccounteverpublished;takenfromtheRoman“DailyEveningFasces，“ofthedateofthattremendousoccurrence。
　　Nothingintheworldaffordsanewspaperreportersomuchsatisfactionasgatheringupthedetailsofabloodyandmysteriousmurderandwritingthemupwithaggravatingcircumstantiality。Hetakesalivingdelightinthislaboroflove——forsuchitistohim，especiallyifheknowsthatalltheotherpapershavegonetopress，andhiswillbetheonlyonethatwillcontainthedreadfulintelligence。AfeelingofregrethasoftencomeovermethatIwasnotreportinginRomewhenCaesarwaskilled——reportingonaneveningpaper，andtheonlyoneinthecity，andgettingatleasttwelvehoursaheadofthemorning-paperboyswiththismostmagnificent“item“thateverfelltothelotofthecraft。Othereventshavehappenedasstartlingasthis，butnonethatpossessedsopeculiarlyallthecharacteristicsofthefavorite“item“ofthepresentday，magnifiedintograndeurandsublimitybythehighrank，fame，andsocialandpoliticalstandingoftheactorsinit。
　　However，asIwasnotpermittedtoreportCaesar’sassassinationintheregularway，ithasatleastaffordedmeraresatisfactiontotranslatethefollowingableaccountofitfromtheoriginalLatinoftheRomanDailyEveningFascesofthatdate——secondedition：
　　OurusuallyquietcityofRomewasthrownintoastateofwildexcitementyesterdaybytheoccurrenceofoneofthosebloodyaffrayswhichsickentheheartandfillthesoulwithfear，whiletheyinspireallthinkingmenwithforebodingsforthefutureofacitywherehumanlifeisheldsocheaplyandthegravestlawsaresoopenlysetatdefiance。Astheresultofthataffray，itisourpainfulduty，aspublicjournalists，torecordthedeathofoneofourmostesteemedcitizens——amanwhosenameisknownwhereverthispapercirculates，andwherefameithasbeenourpleasureandourprivilegetoextend，andalsotoprotectfromthetongueofslanderandfalsehood，tothebestofourpoorability。WerefertoMr。J。Caesar，theEmperor-elect。
　　Thefactsofthecase，asnearlyasourreportercoulddeterminethemfromtheconflictingstatementsofeye-witnesses，wereaboutasfollows：-
　　Theaffairwasanelectionrow，ofcourse。Nine-tenthsoftheghastlybutcheriesthatdisgracethecitynowadaysgrowoutofthebickeringsandjealousiesandanimositiesengenderedbytheseaccursedelections。Romewouldbethegainerbyitifherveryconstableswereelectedtoserveacentury;forinourexperiencewehaveneverevenbeenabletochooseadog-pelterwithoutcelebratingtheeventwithadozenknockdownsandageneralcrammingofthestation-housewithdrunkenvagabondsovernight。
　　ItissaidthatwhentheimmensemajorityforCaesaratthepollsinthemarketwasdeclaredtheotherday，andthecrownwasofferedtothatgentleman，evenhisamazingunselfishnessinrefusingitthreetimeswasnotsufficienttosavehimfromthewhisperedinsultsofsuchmenasCasca，oftheTenthWard，andotherhirelingsofthedisappointedcandidate，hailingmostlyfromtheEleventhandThirteenthandotheroutsidedistricts，whowereoverheardspeakingironicallyandcontemptuouslyofMr。Caesar’sconductuponthatoccasion。
　　WearefurtherinformedthattherearemanyamonguswhothinktheyarejustifiedinbelievingthattheassassinationofJuliusCaesarwasaput-
　　upthing——acut-and-driedarrangement，hatchedbyMarcusBrutusandalotofhishiredroughs，andcarriedoutonlytoofaithfullyaccordingtotheprogram。Whethertherebegoodgroundsforthissuspicionornot，weleavetothepeopletojudgeforthemselves，onlyaskingthattheywillreadthefollowingaccountofthesadoccurrencecarefullyanddispassionatelybeforetheyrenderthatjudgment。
　　TheSenatewasalreadyinsession，andCaesarwascomingdownthestreettowardthecapitol，conversingwithsomepersonalfriends，andfollowed，asusual，byalargenumberofcitizens。JustashewaspassinginfrontofDemosthenesandThucydides’drugstore，hewasobservingcasuallytoagentleman，who，ourinformantthinks，isafortune-teller，thattheIdesofMarchwerecome。Thereplywas，“Yes，theyarecome，butnotgoneyet。”，AtthismomentArtemidorussteppedupandpassedthetimeofday，andaskedCaesartoreadascheduleoratractorsomethingofthekind，whichhehadbroughtforhisperusal。Mr。DeciusBrutusalsosaidsomethingaboutan“humblesuit“whichhewantedread。Artexnidorusbeggedthatattentionmightbepaidtohisfirst，becauseitwasofpersonalconsequencetoCaesar。Thelatterrepliedthatwhatconcernedhimselfshouldbereadlast，orwordstothateffect。Artemidorusbeggedandbeseechedhimtoreadthepaperinstantly！——[Markthat：ItishintedbyWilliamShakespeare，whosawthebeginningandtheendoftheunfortunateaffray，thatthis“schedule“wassimplyanotediscoveringtoCaesarthataplotwasbrewingtotakehislife。]——，However，Caesarshookhimoff，andrefusedtoreadanypetitioninthestreet。Hethenenteredthecapitol，andthecrowdfollowedhim。
　　Aboutthistimethefollowingconversationwasoverheard，andweconsiderthat，takeninconnectionwiththeeventswhichsucceededit，itbearsanappallingsignificance：，Mr。PapiliusLenaremarkedtoGeorgeW。Cassiascommonlyknownasthe“NobbyBoyoftheThirdWard“，abruiserinthepayoftheOpposition，thathehopedhisenterpriseto-daymightthrive;
　　andwhenCassiasasked“Whatenterprise？”heonlyclosedhislefteyetemporarilyandsaidwithsimulatedindifference，“Fareyouwell，“andsaunteredtowardCaesar。MarcusBrutus，whoissuspectedofbeingtheringleaderofthebandthatkilledCaesar，askedwhatitwasthatLenahadsaid。Cassiastoldhim，andaddedinalowtone，“Ifearourpurposeisdiscovered。”
　　BrutustoldhiswretchedaccomplicetokeepaneyeonLena，andamomentafterCassiasurgedthatleanandhungryvagrant，Casca，whosereputationhereisnoneofthebest，tobesudden，forhefearedprevention。HethenturnedtoBrutus，apparentlymuchexcited，andaskedwhatshouldbedone，andsworethateitherheorCaesarwouldneverturnback——hewouldkillhimselffirst。AtthistimeCaesarwastalkingtosomeoftheback-
　　countrymembersabouttheapproachingfallelections，andpayinglittleattentiontowhatwasgoingonaroundhim。BillyTreboniusgotintoconversationwiththepeople’sfriendandCaesar’s——MarkAntony——andundersomepretenseorothergothimaway，andBrutus，Decius，Casca，Cinna，MetellusCimber，andothersofthegangofinfamousdesperadoesthatinfestRomeatpresent，closedaroundthedoomedCaesar。ThenMetellusCimberkneltdownandbeggedthathisbrothermightberecalledfrombanishment，butCaesarrebukedhimforhisfawningconduct，andrefusedtogranthispetition。Immediately，atCimber’srequest，firstBrutusandthenCassiasbeggedforthereturnofthebanishedPublius;
　　butCaesarstillrefused。Hesaidhecouldnotbemoved;thathewasasfixedastheNorthStar，andproceededtospeakinthemostcomplimentarytermsofthefirmnessofthatstaranditssteadycharacter。Thenhesaidhewaslikeit，andhebelievedhewastheonlymaninthecountrythatwas;therefore，sincehewas“constant“thatCimbershouldbebanished，hewasalso“constant“thatheshouldstaybanished，andhe’dbehangedifhedidn’tkeephimso！
　　Instantlyseizinguponthisshallowpretextforafight，CascasprangatCaesarandstruckhimwithadirk，Caesargrabbinghimbythearmwithhisrighthand，andlaunchingablowstraightfromtheshoulderwithhisleft，thatsentthereptilebleedingtotheearth。HethenbackedupagainstPompey’sstatue，andsquaredhimselftoreceivehisassailants。
　　CassiasandCimberandCinnarushed，uponhimwiththeirdaggersdrawn，andtheformersucceededininflictingawounduponhisbody;butbeforehecouldstrikeagain，andbeforeeitheroftheotherscouldstrikeatall，Caesarstretchedthethreemiscreantsathisfeetwithasmanyblowsofhispowerfulfist。BythistimetheSenatewasinanindescribableuproar;thethrongofcitizensisthelobbieshadblockadedthedoorsintheirfranticeffortstoescapefromthebuilding，thesergeant-at-armsandhisassistantswerestrugglingwiththeassassins，venerablesenatorshadcastasidetheirencumberingrobes，andwereleapingoverbenchesandflyingdowntheaislesinwildconfusiontowardtheshelterofthecommittee-rooms，andathousandvoiceswereshouting“Po-lice！，Po-lice！”
　　indiscordanttonesthatroseabovethefrightfuldinlikeshriekingwindsabovetheroaringofatempest。AndamiditallgreatCaesarstoodwithhisbackagainstthestatue，likealionatbay，andfoughthisassailantsweaponlessandhandtohand，withthedefiantbearingandtheunwaveringcouragewhichhehadshownbeforeonmanyabloodyfield。
　　BillyTreboniusandCaiusLegariusstruckhimwiththeirdaggersandfell，astheirbrother-conspiratorsbeforethemhadfallen。Butatlast，whenCaesarsawhisoldfriendBrutusstepforwardarmedwithamurderousknife，itissaidheseemedutterlyoverpoweredwithgriefandamazement，and，droppinghisinvincibleleftarmbyhisside，hehidhisfaceinthefoldsofhismantleandreceivedthetreacherousblowwithoutanefforttostaythehandthatgaveit。Heonlysaid，“Ettu，Brute？”andfelllifelessonthemarblepavement。
　　WelearnthatthecoatdeceasedhadonwhenhewaskilledwasthesameoneheworeinhistentontheafternoonofthedayheovercametheNervii，andthatwhenitwasremovedfromthecorpseitwasfoundtobecutandgashedinnolessthansevendifferentplaces。Therewasnothinginthepockets。Itwillbeexhibitedatthecoroner’sinquest，andwillbedamningproofofthefactofthekilling。Theselatterfactsmaybereliedon，aswegetthemfromMarkAntony，whosepositionenableshimtolearneveryitemofnewsconnectedwiththeonesubjectofabsorbinginterestof-to-day。
　　LATER：Whilethecoronerwassummoningajury，MarkAntonyandotherfriendsofthelateCaesargotholdofthebody，andluggeditofftotheForum，andatlastaccountsAntonyandBrutusweremakingspeechesoveritandraisingsucharowamongthepeoplethat，aswegotopress，thechiefofpoliceissatisfiedthereisgoingtobeariot，andistakingmeasuresaccordingly。
　　THEWIDOW’SPROTEST
　　Oneofthesaddestthingsthatevercameundermynoticesaidthebanker’sclerkwasthereinCorningduringthewar。DanMurphyenlistedasaprivate，andfoughtverybravely。Theboysalllikedhim，andwhenawoundbyandbyweakenedhimdowntillcarryingamusketwastooheavyworkforhim，theyclubbedtogetherandfixedhimupasasutler。Hemademoneythen，andsentitalwaystohiswifetobankforhim。Shewasawasherandironer，andknewenoughbyhardexperiencetokeepmoneywhenshegotit。Shedidn’twasteapenny。
　　Onthecontrary，shebegantogetmiserlyasherbank-accountgrew。Shegrievedtopartwithacent，poorcreature，fortwiceinherhard-workinglifeshehadknownwhatitwastobehungry，cold，friendless，sick，andwithoutadollarintheworld，andshehadahauntingdreadofsufferingsoagain。Well，atlastDandied;andtheboys，intestimonyoftheiresteemandrespectforhim，telegraphedtoMrs。Murphytoknowifshewouldliketohavehimembalmedandsenthome;whenyouknowtheusualcustomwastodumpapoordevillikehimintoashallowhole，andtheninformhisfriendswhathadbecomeofhim。Mrs。Murphyjumpedtotheconclusionthatitwouldonlycosttwoorthreedollarstoembalmherdeadhusband，andsoshetelegraphed“Yes。”，Itwasatthe“wake“thatthebillforembalmingarrivedandwaspresentedtothewidow。
　　Sheutteredawild，sadwailthatpiercedeveryheart，andsaid，“Sivinty-foivedollarsforstooffin’Dan，blistertheirsowls！，DidthimdivilssupposeIwasgoin’tostairtaMuseim，thatI’dbedalin’insuchexpinsivecuriassities！”
　　Thebanker’sclerksaidtherewasnotadryeyeinthehouse。
　　THESCRIPTURALPANORAMIST——[Writtenabout1866。]
　　Therewasafellowtravelingaroundinthatcountry，“saidMr。
　　Nickerson，“withamoral-religiousshow——asortofscripturalpanorama——
　　andhehiredawooden-headedoldslabtoplaythepianoforhim。Afterthefirstnight’sperformancetheshowmansays：
　　“’Myfriend，youseemtoknowprettymuchallthetunesthereare，andyouworryalongfirstrate。Butthen，didn’tyounoticethatsometimeslastnightthepieceyouhappenedtobeplayingwasalittleroughontheproprieties，sotospeak——didn’tseemtojibewiththegeneralgaitofthepicturethatwaspassingatthetime，asitwere——wasalittleforeigntothesubject，youknow——asifyoudidn’teithertrumporfollowsuit，youunderstand？’
　　“’Well，no，’thefellowsaid;’hehadn’tnoticed，butitmightbe;hehadplayedalongjustasitcamehandy。’
　　“Sotheyputitupthatthesimpleolddummywastokeephiseyeonthepanoramaafterthat，andassoonasastunningpicturewasreeledouthewastofitittoadotwithapieceofmusicthatwouldhelptheaudiencetogettheideaofthesubject，andwarmthemuplikeacamp-meetingrevival。Thatsortofthingwouldcorraltheirsympathies，theshowmansaid。
　　“Therewasabigaudiencethatnight-mostlymiddle-agedandoldpeoplewhobelongtothechurch，andtookastronginterestinBiblematters，andthebalancewereprettymuchyoungbucksandheifers——theyalwayscomeoutstrongonpanoramas，youknow，becauseitgivesthemachancetotasteoneanother’scomplexionsinthedark。
　　“Well，theshowmanbegantoswellhimselfupforhislecture，andtheoldmud-Jobbertackledthepianoandranhisfingersupanddownonceortwicetoseethatshewasallright，andthefellowsbehindthecurtaincommencedtogrindoutthepanorama。Theshowmanbalancedhisweightonhisrightfoot，andproppedhishandsoverhiships，andflunghiseyesoverhisshoulderatthescenery，andsaid：
　　“’Ladiesandgentlemen，thepaintingnowbeforeyouillustratesthebeautifulandtouchingparableoftheProdigalSon。Observethehappyexpressionjustbreakingoverthefeaturesofthepoor，sufferingyouth——
　　sowornandwearywithhislongmarch;notealsotheecstasybeamingfromtheupliftedcountenanceoftheagedfather，andthejoythatsparklesintheeyesoftheexcitedgroupofyouthsandmaidens，andseemsreadytoburstintothewelcomingchorusfromtheirlips。Thelesson，myfriends，isassolemnandinstructiveasthestoryistenderandbeautiful。’
　　“Themud-Jobberwasallready，andwhenthesecondspeechwasfinished，struckup：
　　“Oh，we’llallgetblinddrunkWhenJohnnycomesmarchinghome！
　　“Someofthepeoplegiggled，andsomegroanedalittle。Theshowmancouldn’tsayaword;helookedatthepianistsharp，buthewasalllovelyandserene——hedidn’tknowtherewasanythingoutofgear。
　　“Thepanoramamovedon，andtheshowmandrummeduphisgritandstartedinfresh。
　　“’Ladiesandgentlemen，thefinepicturenowunfoldingitselftoyourgazeexhibitsoneofthemostnotableeventsinBiblehistory——ourSaviourandHisdisciplesupontheSeaofGalilee。Howgrand，howawe-
　　inspiringarethereflectionswhichthesubjectinvokes！，Whatsublimityoffaithisrevealedtousinthislessonfromthesacredwritings！，TheSaviourrebukestheangrywaves，andwalkssecurelyuponthebosomofthedeep！’
　　“Allaroundthehousetheywerewhispering，’Oh，howlovely，howbeautiful！’andtheorchestralethimselfoutagain：
　　“Alifeontheoceanwave，Andahomeontherollingdeep！
　　“Therewasagooddealofhonestsnickeringturnedonthistime，andconsiderablegroaning，andoneortwoolddeaconsgotupandwentout。
　　Theshowmangratedhisteeth，andcursedthepianomantohimself;butthefellowsattherelikeaknotonalog，andseemedtothinkhewasdoingfirst-rate。
　　“Afterthingsgotquiettheshowmanthoughthewouldmakeonemorestaggeratit，anyway，thoughhisconfidencewasbeginningtogetmightyshaky。Thesupesstartedthepanoramagrindingalongagain，andhesays：
　　“’Ladiesandgentlemen，thisexquisitepaintingrepresentstheraisingofLazarusfromthedeadbyourSaviour。Thesubjecthasbeenhandledwithmarvelousskillbytheartist，andsuchtouchingsweetnessandtendernessofexpressionhashethrownintoitthatIhaveknownpeculiarlysensitivepersonstobeevenaffectedtotearsbylookingatit。Observethehalf-confused，half-inquiringlookuponthecountenanceoftheawakenedLazarus。Observe，also，theattitudeandexpressionoftheSaviour，whotakeshimgentlybythesleeveofhisshroudwithonehand，whileHepointswiththeothertowardthedistantcity。’
　　“Beforeanybodycouldgetoffanopinioninthecasetheinnocentoldassatthepianostruckup：
　　“Comeriseup，WilliamRi-i-ley，Andgoalongwithme！
　　“Whe-ew！，Allthesolemnoldflatsgotupinahufftogo，andeverybodyelselaughedtillthewindowsrattled。
　　“Theshowmanwentdownandgrabbedtheorchestraandshookhimupandsays：
　　“’Thatletsyouout，youknow，youchowder-headedoldclam。Gotothedoorkeeperandgetyourmoney，andcutyourstick——vamosetheranch！
　　Ladiesandgentlemen，circumstancesoverwhichIhavenocontrolcompelmeprematurelytodismissthehouse。’“
　　CURINGACOLD——[Writtenabout1864]
　　Itisagoodthing，perhaps，towritefortheamusementofthepublic，butitisafarhigherandnoblerthingtowritefortheirinstruction，theirprofit，theiractualandtangiblebenefit。Thelatteristhesoleobjectofthisarticle。Ifitprovethemeansofrestoringtohealthonesolitarysuffereramongmyrace，oflightinguponcemorethefireofhopeandjoyinhisfadedeyes，orbringingbacktohisdeadheartagainthequick，generousimpulsesofotherdays，Ishallbeamplyrewardedformylabor;mysoulwillbepermeatedwiththesacreddelightaChristian。
　　feelswhenhehasdoneagood，unselfishdeed。
　　Havingledapureandblamelesslife，IamjustifiedinbelievingthatnomanwhoknowsmewillrejectthesuggestionsIamabouttomake，outoffearthatIamtryingtodeceivehim。Letthepublicdoitselfthehonortoreadmyexperienceindoctoringacold，ashereinsetforth，andthenfollowinmyfootsteps。
　　WhentheWhiteHousewasburnedinVirginiaCity，Ilostmyhome，myhappiness，myconstitution，andmytrunk。Thelossofthetwofirstnamedarticleswasamatterofnogreatconsequence，sinceahomewithoutamother，orasister，oradistantyoungfemalerelativeinit，toremindyou，byputtingyoursoiledlinenoutofsightandtakingyourbootsdownoffthemantelpiece，thattherearethosewhothinkaboutyouandcareforyou，iseasilyobtained。AndIcarednothingforthelossofmyhappiness，because，notbeingapoet，itcouldnotbepossiblethatmelancholywouldabidewithmelong。Buttoloseagoodconstitutionandabettertrunkwereseriousmisfortunes。Onthedayofthefiremyconstitutionsuccumbedtoaseverecold，causedbyundueexertioningettingreadytodosomething。Isufferedtonopurpose，too，becausetheplanIwasfiguringatfortheextinguishingofthefirewassoelaboratethatInevergotitcompleteduntilthemiddleofthefollowingweek。
　　ThefirsttimeIbegantosneeze，afriendtoldmetogoandbathemyfeetinhotwaterandgotobed。Ididso。Shortlyafterward，anotherfriendadvisedmetogetupandtakeacoldshower-bath。Ididthatalso。Withinthehour，anotherfriendassuredmethatitwaspolicyto“feedacoldandstarveafever。”，Ihadboth。SoIthoughtitbesttofillmyselfupforthecold，andthenkeepdarkandletthefeverstarveawhile。
　　Inacaseof，thiskind，Iseldomdothingsbyhalves;Iateprettyheartily;Iconferredmycustomuponastrangerwhohadjustopenedhisrestaurantthatmorning;hewaitednearmeinrespectfulsilenceuntilI
　　hadfinishedfeedingmycold，whenheinquiredifthepeopleaboutVirginiaCityweremuchafflictedwithcolds？，ItoldhimIthoughttheywere。Hethenwentoutandtookinhissign。
　　Istarteddowntowardtheoffice，andonthewayencounteredanotherbosomfriend，whotoldmethataquartofsalt-water，takenwarm，wouldcomeasnearcuringacoldasanythingintheworld。IhardlythoughtI
　　hadroomforit，butItrieditanyhow。Theresultwassurprising。I
　　believedIhadthrownupmyimmortalsoul。
　　Now，asIamgivingmyexperienceonlyforthebenefitofthosewhoaretroubledwiththedistemperIamwritingabout，Ifeelthattheywillseetheproprietyofmycautioningthemagainstfollowingsuchportionsofitasprovedinefficientwithme，andactinguponthisconviction，Iwarnthemagainstwarmsalt-water。Itmaybeagoodenoughremedy，butI
　　thinkitistoosevere。IfIhadanothercoldinthehead，andtherewerenocourseleftmebuttotakeeitheranearthquakeoraquartofwarmsaltwater，Iwouldtakemychancesontheearthquake。
　　Afterthestormwhichhadbeenraginginmystomachhadsubsided，andnomoregoodSamaritanshappeningalong，Iwentonborrowinghandkerchiefsagainandblowingthemtoatoms，ashadbeenmycustomintheearlystagesofmycold，untilIcameacrossaladywhohadjustarrivedfromovertheplains，andwhosaidshehadlivedinapartofthecountrywheredoctorswerescarce，andhadfromnecessityacquiredconsiderableskillinthetreatmentofsimple“familycomplaints。”，Iknewshemusthavehadmuchexperience，forsheappearedtobeahundredandfiftyyearsold。
　　Shemixedadecoctioncomposedofmolasses，aquafortis，turpentine，andvariousotherdrugs，andinstructedmetotakeawine-glassfullofiteveryfifteenminutes。Inevertookbutonedose;thatwasenough;itrobbedmeofallmoralprinciple，andawokeeveryunworthyimpulseofmynature。Underitsmaligninfluencemybrainconceivedmiraclesofmeanness，butmyhandsweretoofeebletoexecutethem;atthattime，haditnotbeenthatmystrengthhadsurrenderedtoasuccessionofassaultsfrominfallibleremediesformycold，IamsatisfiedthatIwouldhavetriedtorobthegraveyard。Likemostotherpeople，Ioftenfeelmean，andactaccordingly;butuntilItookthatmedicineIhadneverreveledinsuchsupernaturaldepravity，andfeltproudofit。AttheendoftwodaysIwasreadytogotodoctoringagain。Itookafewmoreunfailingremedies，andfinallydrovemycoldfrommyheadtomylungs。
　　Igottocoughingincessantly，andmyvoicefellbelowzero;Iconversedinathunderingbass，twooctavesbelowmynaturaltone;Icouldonlycompassmyregularnightlyreposebycoughingmyselfdowntoastateofutterexhaustion，andthenthemomentIbegantotalkinmysleep，mydiscordantvoicewokemeupagain。
　　Mycasegrewmoreandmoreseriouseveryday。APlainginwasrecommended;Itookit。Thenginandmolasses;Itookthatalso。Thenginandonions;Iaddedtheonions，andtookallthree。Idetectednoparticularresult，however，exceptthatIhadacquiredabreathlikeabuzzard’s。
　　IfoundIhadtotravelformyhealth。IwenttoLakeBiglerwithmyreportorialcomrade，Wilson。Itisgratifyingtometoreflectthatwetraveledinconsiderablestyle;wewentinthePioneercoach，andmyfriendtookallhisbaggagewithhim，consistingoftwoexcellentsilkhandkerchiefsandadaguerreotypeofhisgrandmother。Wesailedandhuntedandfishedanddancedallday，andIdoctoredmycoughallnight。
　　Bymanaginginthisway，Imadeouttoimproveeveryhourinthetwenty-
　　four。Butmydiseasecontinuedtogrowworse。
　　Asheet-bathwasrecommended。Ihadneverrefusedaremedyyet，anditseemedpoorpolicytocommencethen;thereforeIdeterminedtotakeasheet-bath，notwithstandingIhadnoideawhatsortofarrangementitwas。Itwasadministeredatmidnight，andtheweatherwasveryfrosty。
　　Mybreastandbackwerebared，andasheetthereappearedtobeathousandyardsofitsoakedinice-water，waswoundaroundmeuntilI
　　resembledaswabforaColumbiad。
　　Itisacruelexpedient。Whenthechillyragtouchesone’swarmflesh，itmakeshimstartwithsuddenviolence，andgaspforbreathjustasmendointhedeath-agony。Itfrozethemarrowinmybonesandstoppedthebeatingofmyheart。Ithoughtmytimehadcome。
　　YoungWilsonsaidthecircumstanceremindedhimofananecdoteaboutanegrowhowasbeingbaptized，andwhoslippedfromtheparson’sgrasp，andcamenearbeingdrowned。Heflounderedaround，though，andfinallyroseupoutofthewaterconsiderablystrangledandfuriouslyangry，andstartedashoreatonce，spoutingwaterlikeawhale，andremarking，withgreatasperity，that“oneo’desedayssomegen’l’man’sniggergwynetogetkilledwidjis’suchdamnfoolishnessasdis！”
　　Nevertakeasheet-bath-never。Nexttomeetingaladyacquaintancewho，forreasonsbestknowntoherself，don’tseeyouwhenshelooksatyou，anddon’tknowyouwhenshedoesseeyou，itisthemostuncomfortablethingintheworld。
　　But，asIwassaying，whenthesheet-bathfailedtocuremycough，aladyfriendrecommendedtheapplicationofamustardplastertomybreast。Ibelievethatwouldhavecuredmeeffectually，ifithadnotbeenforyoungWilson。WhenIwenttobed，Iputmymustardplaster——
　　whichwasaverygorgeousone，eighteeninchessquare——whereIcouldreachitwhenIwasreadyforit。ButyoungWilsongothungryinthenight，andhereisfoodfortheimagination。
　　AftersojourningaweekatLakeBigler，IwenttoSteamboatSprings，and，besidesthesteam-baths，Itookalotofthevilestmedicinesthatwereeverconcocted。Theywouldhavecuredme，butIhadtogobacktoVirginiaCity，where，notwithstandingthevarietyofnewremediesI
　　absorbedeveryday，Imanagedtoaggravatemydiseasebycarelessnessandundueexposure。
　　IfinallyconcludedtovisitSanFrancisco，andthe，firstdayIgottherealadyatthehoteltoldmetodrinkaquartofwhiskyeverytwenty-fourhours，andafriendup-townrecommendedpreciselythesamecourse。Eachadvisedmetotakeaquart;thatmadehalfagallon。Ididit，andstilllive。
　　Now，withthekindestmotivesintheworld，IofferfortheconsiderationofconsumptivepatientsthevariegatedcourseoftreatmentIhavelatelygonethrough。Letthemtryit;ifitdon’tcure，itcan’tmorethankillthem。
　　ACURIOUSPLEASUREEXCURSION——
　　[Publishedatthetimeofthe“CometScare“inthesummerof1874]
　　[Wehavereceivedthefollowingadvertisement，but，inasmuchasitconcernsamatterofdeepandgeneralinterest，wefeelfullyjustifiedininsertingitinourreading-columns。Weareconfidentthatourconductinthisregardneedsonlyexplanation，notapology——Ed。N。Y。
　　Herald。]
　　ADVERTISEMENT
　　ThisistoinformthepublicthatinconnectionwithMr。BarnumIhaveleasedthecometforaterm，ofyears;andIdesirealsotosolicitthepublicpatronageinfavorofabeneficialenterprisewhichwehaveinview。
　　Weproposetofitupcomfortable，andevenluxurious，accommodationsinthecometforasmanypersonsaswillhonoruswiththeirpatronage，andmakeanextendedexcursionamongtheheavenlybodies。Weshallprepare1，000，000state-roomsinthetailofthecometwithhotandcoldwater，gas，looking-glass，parachute，umbrella，etc。ineach，andshallconstructmoreifwemeetwithasufficientlygenerousencouragement。
　　Weshallhavebilliard-rooms，card-rooms，music-rooms，bowling-alleysandmanyspacioustheatersandfreelibraries;andonthemaindeckweproposetohaveadrivingpark，withupwardof100，000milesofroadwayinit。Weshallpublishdailynewspapersalso。
　　DEPARTUREOFTHECOMET
　　ThecometwillleaveNewYorkat10P。M。onthe20thinst。andthereforeitwillbedesirablethatthepassengersbeonboardbyeightatthelatest，toavoidconfusioningettingunderway。Itisnotknownwhetherpassportswillbenecessaryornot，butitisdeemedbestthatpassengersprovidethem，andsoguardagainstallcontingencies。Nodogswillbeallowedonboard。Thisrulehasbeenmadeindeferencetotheexistingstateoffeelingregardingtheseanimals，andwillbestrictlyadheredto。Thesafetyofthepassengerswillinallwaysbejealouslylookedto。Asubstantialironrailingwillbeputupallaroundthecomet，andnoonewillbeallowedtogototheedgeandlookoverunlessaccompaniedbyeithermypartnerormyself。
　　THEPOSTALSERVICE
　　willbeofthecompletestcharacter。Ofcoursethetelegraph，andthetelegraphonly，willbeemployed;consequentlyfriendsoccupyingstate-
　　rooms20，000，000andeven30，000，000milesapartwillbeabletosendamessageandreceiveareplyinsideofelevendays。Nightmessageswillbehalf-rate。ThewholeofthisvastpostalsystemwillbeunderthepersonalsuperintendenceofMr。HaleofMaine。Mealsservedatallhours。Mealsservedinstateroomschargedextra。
　　Hostilityisnotapprehendedfromanygreatplanet，butwehavethoughtitbesttoerronthesafeside，andthereforehaveprovidedapropernumberofmortars，siege-guns，andboarding-pikes。Historyshowsthatsmall，isolatedcommunities，suchasthepeopleofremoteislands，arepronetobehostiletostrangers，andsothesamemaybethecasewith，THEINHABITANTSOFSTARS
　　ofthetenthortwentiethmagnitude。Weshallinnocasewantonlyoffendthepeopleofanystar，butshalltreatallalikewithurbanityandkindliness，neverconductingourselvestowardanasteroidafterafashionwhichwecouldnotventuretoassumetowardJupiterorSaturn。Irepeatthatweshallnotwantonlyoffendanystar;butatthesametimeweshallpromptlyresentanyinjurythatmaybedoneus，oranyinsolenceofferedus，bypartiesorgovernmentsresidinginanystarinthefirmament。
　　Althoughaversetothesheddingofblood，weshallstillholdthiscourserigidlyandfearlessly，notonlytowardsinglestars，buttowardconstellations。WeshallhopetoleaveagoodimpressionofAmericabehindusineverynationwevisit，fromVenustoUranus。And，atallevents，ifwecannotinspireloveweshallatleastcompelrespectforourcountrywhereverwego。Weshalltakewithus，freeofcharge，AGREATFORCEOFMISSIONARIES，andshedthetruelightuponallthecelestialorbswhich，physicallyaglow，areyetmorallyindarkness。Sunday-schoolswillbeestablishedwhereverpracticable。Compulsoryeducationwillalsobeintroduced。
　　ThecometwillvisitMarsfirst，andproceedtoMercury，Jupiter，Venus，andSaturn。PartiesconnectedwiththegovernmentoftheDistrictofColumbiaandwiththeformercitygovernmentofNewYork，whomaydesiretoinspecttherings，willbeallowedtimeandeveryfacility。Everystarofprominentmagnitudewillbevisited，andtimeallowedforexcursionstopointsofinterestinland。
　　THEDOGSTAR
　　hasbeenstrickenfromtheprogram。MuchtimewillbespentintheGreatBear，and，indeed，ineveryconstellationofimportance。So，also，withtheSunandMoonandtheMilkyPay，otherwisetheGulfStreamoftheSkies。Clothingsuitableforwearinthesunshouldbeprovided。Ourprogramhasbeensoarrangedthatweshallseldomgomorethan100，000，000ofmilesatatimewithoutstoppingatsomestar。Thiswillnecessarilymakethestoppagesfrequentandpreservetheinterestofthetourist。Baggagecheckedthroughtoanypointontheroute。Partiesdesiringtomakeonlyapartoftheproposedtour，andthussaveexpense，maystopoveratanystartheychooseandwaitforthereturnvoyage。
　　Aftervisitingallthemostcelebratedstarsandconstellationsinoursystemandpersonally，inspectingtheremotestsparksthateventhemostpowerfultelescopecannowdetectinthefirmament，weshallproceedwithgoodheartupon，ASTUPENDOUSVOYAGE
　　ofdiscoveryamongthecountlesswhirlingworldsthatmaketurmoilinthemightywastesofspacethatstretchtheirsolemnsolitudes，theirunimaginablevastnessbillionsuponbillionsofmilesawaybeyondthefarthestvergeoftelescopicvision，tillbycomparisonthelittlesparklingvaultweusedtogazeatonEarthshallseemlikearememberedphosphorescentflashofspangleswhichsometropicalvoyager’sprowstirredintolifeforasingleinstant，andwhichtenthousandmilesofphosphorescentseasandtediouslapseoftimehadsincediminishedtoanincidentutterlytrivialinhisrecollection。Childrenoccupyingseatsatthefirsttablewillbechargedfullfare。
　　FIRST-CLASSFARE
　　fromtheEarthtoUranus，includingvisitstotheSunandMoonandalltheprincipalplanetsontheroute，willbechargedatthelowrateof$2forevery50，000，000milesofactualtravel。Agreatreductionwillbemadewherepartieswishtomaketheroundtrip。Thiscometisnewandinthoroughrepairandisnowonherfirstvoyage。Sheisconfessedlythefastestontheline。Shemakes20，000，000milesaday，withherpresentfacilities;but，withapickedAmericancrewandgoodweather，weareconfidentwecanget40，000，000outofher。Still，weshallneverpushhertoadangerousspeed，andweshallrigidlyprohibitracingwithothercomets。Passengersdesiringtodivergeatanypointorreturnwillbetransferredtoothercomets。Wemakecloseconnectionsatallprincipalpointswithallreliablelines。Safetycanbedependedupon。
　　Itisnottobedeniedthattheheavensareinfestedwith，OLDRAMSHACKLECOMETS
　　thathavenotbeeninspectedoroverhauledin10，000years，andwhichoughtlongagotohavebeendestroyedorturnedintohail-barges，butwiththesewehavenoconnectionwhatever。Steeragepassengersnotallowedabaftthemainhatch。
　　Complimentaryround-tripticketshavebeentenderedtoGeneralButler，Mr。Shepherd，Mr。Richardson，andothereminentgentlemen，whosepublicserviceshaveentitledthemtotherestandrelaxationofavoyageofthiskind。Partiesdesiringtomaketheroundtripwillhaveextraaccommodation。Theentirevoyagewillbecompleted，andthepassengerslandedinNewYorkagain，onthe14thofDecember，1991。Thisis，atleast，fortyyearsquickerthananyothercometcandoitin。Nearlyalltheback-paymemberscontemplatemakingtheroundtripwithusincasetheirconstituentswillallowthemaholiday。Everyharmlessamusementwillbeallowedonboard，butnopoolspermittedontherunofthecomet——nogamblingofanykind。Allfixedstarswillberespectedbyus，butsuchstarsasseem，toneedfixingweshallfix。Ifitmakestrouble，weshallbesorry，butfirm。
　　Mr。Coggiahavingleasedhiscomettous，shewillnolongerbecalledbyhisname，butbymypartner’s。N。B——Passengersbypayingdoublefarewillbeentitledtoashareinallthenewstars，suns，moons，comets，meteors，andmagazinesofthunderandlightningwemaydiscover。Patent-
　　medicinepeoplewilltakenoticethat，WECARRYBULLETIN-BOARDS
　　andapaint-brushalongforuseintheconstellations，andareopentoterms。Cremationistsareremindedthatwearegoingstraightto——somehotplaces——andareopentoterms。Tootherpartiesourenterpriseisapleasureexcursion，butindividuallywemeanbusiness。Weshallflyourcometforallitisworth。
　　FORFURTHERPARTICULARS，orforfreightorpassage，applyonboard，ortomypartner，butnottome，sinceIdonottakechargeofthecometuntilsheisunderway。
　　Itisnecessary，atatimelikethis，thatmymindshouldnotbeburdenedwithsmallbusinessdetails。
　　MARKTWAIN。
　　RUNNINGFORGOVERNOR——[Writtenabout1870。]
　　AfewmonthsagoIwasnominatedforGovernorofthegreatstateofNewYork，torunagainstMr。JohnT。SmithandMr。BlankJ。Blankonanindependentticket。IsomehowfeltthatIhadoneprominentadvantageoverthesegentlemen，andthatwas——goodcharacter。Itwaseasytoseebythenewspapersthatifevertheyhadknownwhatitwastobearagoodname，thattimehadgoneby。Itwasplainthatintheselatteryearstheyhadbecomefamiliarwithallmannerofshamefulcrimes。ButattheverymomentthatIwasexaltingmyadvantageandjoyinginitinsecret，therewasamuddyundercurrentofdiscomfort“riling“thedeepsofmyhappiness，andthatwas——thehavingtohearmynamebandiedaboutinfamiliarconnectionwiththoseofsuchpeople。Igrewmoreandmoredisturbed。FinallyIwrotemygrandmotheraboutit。Heranswercamequickandsharp。Shesaid：
　　Youhaveneverdoneonesinglethinginallyourlifetobeashamedof——notone。Lookatthenewspapers——lookatthemandcomprehendwhatsortofcharactersMessrs。SmithandBlankare，andthenseeifyouarewillingtoloweryourselftotheirlevelandenterapubliccanvasswiththem。
　　Itwasmyverythought！，Ididnotsleepasinglemomentthatnight。
　　But，afterall，Icouldnotrecede。
　　Iwasfullycommitted，andmustgoonwiththefight。AsIwaslookinglistlesslyoverthepapersatbreakfastIcameacrossthisparagraph，andImaytrulysayIneverwassoconfoundedbefore。
　　PERJURY——Perhaps，nowthatMr。MarkTwainisbeforethepeopleasacandidateforGovernor，hewillcondescendtoexplainhowhecametobeconvictedofperjurybythirty-fourwitnessesinWakawak，CochinChina，in1863，theintentofwhichperjurybeingtorobapoornativewidowandherhelplessfamilyofameagerplantain-patch，theironlystayandsupportintheirbereavementanddesolation。
　　Mr。Twainowesittohimself，aswellastothegreatpeoplewhosesuffragesheasks，toclearthismatterup。Willhedoit？
　　IthoughtIshouldburstwithamazement！，Suchacruel，heartlesscharge！
　　IneverhadseenCochinChina！，IneverhadheardofWakawak！，Ididn’tknowaplantain-patchfromakangaroo！，Ididnotknowwhattodo。Iwascrazedandhelpless。Iletthedayslipawaywithoutdoinganythingatall。Thenextmorningthesamepaperhadthis——nothingmore：
　　SIGNIFICANT——Mr。Twain，itwillbeobserved，issuggestivelysilentabouttheCochinChinaperjury。
　　[Mem——Duringtherestofthecampaignthispaperneverreferredtomeinanyotherwaythanas“theinfamousperjurerTwain。”]
　　NextcametheGazette，withthis：
　　WANTEDTOKNOW——WillthenewcandidateforGovernordeigntoexplaintocertainofhisfellow-citizenswhoaresufferingtovoteforhim！thelittlecircumstanceofhiscabin-matesinMontanalosingsmallvaluablesfromtimetotime，untilatlast，thesethingshavingbeeninvariablyfoundonMr。Twain’spersonorinhis“trunk“newspaperherolledhistrapsin，theyfeltcompelledtogivehimafriendlyadmonitionforhisowngood，andsotarredandfeatheredhim，androdehimonarail;andthenadvisedhimtoleaveapermanentvacuumintheplaceheusuallyoccupiedinthecamp。
　　Willhedothis？
　　Couldanythingbemoredeliberatelymaliciousthanthat？，ForIneverwasinMontanainmylife。
　　[Afterthis，thisjournalcustomarilyspokeofmeas，“Twain，theMontanaThief。”]
　　Igottopickinguppapersapprehensively——muchasonewouldliftadesiredblanketwhichhehadsomeideamighthavearattlesnakeunderit。
　　Onedaythismetmyeye：
　　THELIENAILED——BytheswornaffidavitsofMichaelO’Flanagan，Esq。oftheFivePoints，andMr。SnubRaffertyandMr。CattyMulligan，ofWaterStreet，itisestablishedthatMr。MarkTwain’svilestatementthatthelamentedgrandfatherofournoblestandard-
　　bearer，BlankJ。Blank，washangedforhighwayrobbery，isabrutalandgratuitousLIE，withoutashadowoffoundationinfact。Itisdishearteningtovirtuousmentoseesuchshamefulmeansresortedtotoachievepoliticalsuccessastheattackingofthedeadintheirgraves，anddefilingtheirhonorednameswithslander。Whenwethinkoftheanguishthismiserablefalsehoodmustcausetheinnocentrelativesandfriendsofthedeceased，wearealmostdriventoinciteanoutragedandinsultedpublictosummaryandunlawfulvengeanceuponthetraducer。Butno！letusleavehimtotheagonyofalaceratedconsciencethoughifpassionshouldgetthebetterofthepublic，andinitsblindfurytheyshoulddothetraducerbodilyinjury，itisbuttooobviousthatnojurycouldconvictandnocourtpunishtheperpetratorsofthedeed。
　　Theingeniousclosingsentencehadtheeffectofmovingmeoutofbedwithdespatchthatnight，andoutatthebackdooralso，whilethe“outragedandinsultedpublic“surgedinthefrontway，breakingfurnitureandwindowsintheirrighteousindignationastheycame，andtakingoffsuchpropertyastheycouldcarrywhentheywent。
　　AndyetIcanlaymyhandupontheBookandsaythatIneverslanderedMr。Blank’sgrandfather。More：Ihadneverevenheardofhimormentionedhimuptothatdayanddate。
　　[Iwillstate，inpassing，thatthejournalabovequotedfromalwaysreferredtomeafterwardas“Twain，theBody-Snatcher。”]
　　Thenextnewspaperarticlethatattractedmyattentionwasthefollowing：
　　ASWEETCANDIDATE——Mr。MarkTwain，whowastomakesuchablightingspeechatthemass-meetingoftheIndependentslastnight，didn’tcometotime！，Atelegramfromhisphysicianstatedthathehadbeenknockeddownbyarunawayteam，andhislegbrokenintwoplaces——suffererlyingingreatagony，andsoforth，andsoforth，andalotmoreboshofthesamesort。AndtheIndependentstriedhardtoswallowthewretchedsubterfuge，andpretendthattheydidnotknowwhatwastherealreasonoftheabsenceoftheabandonedcreaturewhomtheydenominatetheirstandard-bearer。AcertainmanwasseentoreelintoMr。Twain’shotellastnightinastateofbeastlyintoxication。ItistheimperativedutyoftheIndependentstoprovethatthisbesottedbrutewasnotMarkTwainhimself。Wehavethematlast！，Thisisacasethatadmitsofnoshirking。Thevoiceofthepeopledemandsinthundertones，“WHOWASTHATMAN？”
　　Itwasincredible，absolutelyincredible，foramoment，thatitwasreallymynamethatwascoupledwiththisdisgracefulsuspicion。ThreelongyearshadpassedovermyheadsinceIhadtastedale，beer，wineorliquororanykind。
　　[ItshowswhateffectthetimeswerehavingonmewhenIsaythatIsawmyself，confidentlydubbed“Mr。DeliriumTremensTwain“inthenextissueofthatjournalwithoutapang——notwithstandingIknewthatwithmonotonousfidelitythepaperwouldgooncallingmesototheveryend。]
　　Bythistimeanonymouslettersweregettingtobeanimportantpartofmymailmatter。Thisformwascommon，Howaboutthatoldwomanyoukikedofyourpremiseswhichwasbeging。，POL。PRY。
　　Andthis：
　　ThereisthingswhichyouHavedonewhichisunbeknowenstoanybodybutme。Youbettertrotoutafewdots，toyourstruly，oryou’llhearthroughthepapersfromHANDYANDY。
　　Thisisabouttheidea。Icouldcontinuethemtillthereaderwassurfeited，ifdesirable。
　　ShortlytheprincipalRepublicanjournal“convicted“meofwholesalebribery，andtheleadingDemocraticpaper“nailed“anaggravatedcaseofblackmailingtome。
　　[InthiswayIacquiredtwoadditionalnames：“TwaintheFilthyCorruptionist“and“TwaintheLoathsomeEmbracer。”]
　　Bythistimetherehadgrowntobesuchaclamorforan“answer“toallthedreadfulchargesthatwerelaidtomethattheeditorsandleadersofmypartysaiditwouldbepoliticalruinformetoremainsilentanylonger。Asiftomaketheirappealthemoreimperative，thefollowingappearedinoneofthepaperstheverynextday：
　　BEHOLDTHEMAN！——Theindependentcandidatestillmaintainssilence。
　　Becausehedarenotspeak。Everyaccusationagainsthimhasbeenamplyproved，andtheyhavebeenindorsedandreindorsedbyhisowneloquentsilence，tillatthisdayhestandsforeverconvicted。
　　Lookuponyourcandidate，Independents！，LookupontheInfamousPerjurer！，theMontanaThief！，theBody-Snatcher！，ContemplateyourincarnateDeliriumTremens！，yourFilthyCorruptionist！，yourLoathsomeEmbracer！，Gazeuponhim——ponderhimwell——andthensayifyoucangiveyourhonestvotestoacreaturewhohasearnedthisdismalarrayoftitlesbyhishideouscrimes，anddaresnotopenhismouthindenialofanyoneofthem！
　　Therewasnopossiblewayofgettingoutofit，andso，indeephumiliation，Isetaboutpreparingto“answer“amassofbaselesschargesandmeanandwickedfalsehoods。ButIneverfinishedthetask，fortheverynextmorningapapercameoutwithanewhorror，afreshmalignity，andseriouslychargedmewithburningalunaticasylumwithallitsinmates，becauseitobstructedtheviewfrommyhouse。Thisthrewmeintoasortofpanic。Thencamethechargeofpoisoningmyuncletogethisproperty，withanimperativedemandthatthegraveshouldbeopened。
　　Thisdrovemetothevergeofdistraction。OntopofthisIwasaccusedofemployingtoothlessandincompetentoldrelativestopreparethefoodforthefoundling’hospitalwhenIwarden。Iwaswavering——wavering。
　　Andatlast，asadueandfittingclimaxtotheshamelesspersecutionthatpartyrancorhadinflicteduponme，ninelittletoddlingchildren，ofallshadesofcoloranddegreesofraggedness，weretaughttorushontotheplatformatapublicmeeting，andclaspmearoundthelegsandcallmePA！
　　Igaveitup。Ihauleddownmycolorsandsurrendered。IwasnotequaltotherequirementsofaGubernatorialcampaigninthestateofNewYork，andsoIsentinmywithdrawalfromthecandidacy，andinbitternessofspiritsignedit，“Trulyyours，onceadecentman，butnow，MARKTWAIN，LP。M。T。B。S。D。T。F。C。andL。E。”
　　AMYSTERIOUSVISIT
　　ThefirstnoticethatwastakenofmewhenI“settleddown“recentlywasbyagentlemanwhosaidhewasanassessor，andconnectedwiththeU。S。
　　InternalRevenueDepartment。IsaidIhadneverheardofhisbranchofbusinessbefore，butIwasverygladtoseehimallthesame。Wouldhesitdown？，Hesatdown。Ididnotknowanythingparticulartosay，andyetIfeltthatpeoplewhohavearrivedatthedignityofkeepinghousemustbeconversational，mustbeeasyandsociableincompany。So，indefaultofanythingelsetosay，Iaskedhimifhewasopeninghisshopinourneighborhood。
　　Hesaidhewas。[Ididnotwishtoappearignorant，butIhadhopedhewouldmentionwhathehadforsale。]
　　Iventuredtoaskhim“Howwastrade？”Andhesaid“So-so。”
　　Ithensaidwewoulddropin，andifwelikedhishouseaswellasanyother，wewouldgivehimourcustom。
　　Hesaidhethoughtwewouldlikehisestablishmentwellenoughtoconfineourselvestoit——saidheneversawanybodywhowouldgooffandhuntupanothermaninhislineaftertradingwithhimonce。
　　Thatsoundedprettycomplacent，butbarringthatnaturalexpressionofvillainywhichweallhave，themanlookedhonestenough。
　　Idonotknowhowitcameaboutexactly，butgraduallyweappearedtomeltdownandruntogether，conversationallyspeaking，andtheneverythingwentalongascomfortablyasclockwork。
　　Wetalked，andtalked，andtalked——atleastIdid;andwelaughed，andlaughed，andlaughed——atleasthedid。ButallthetimeIhadmypresenceofmindaboutme——Ihadmynativeshrewdnessturnedon“fullhead，“astheengineerssay。Iwasdeterminedtofindoutallabouthisbusinessinspiteofhisobscureanswers——andIwasdeterminedIwouldhaveitoutofhimwithouthissuspectingwhatIwasat。Imeanttotraphimwithadeep，deepruse。Iwouldtellhimallaboutmyownbusiness，andhewouldnaturallysowarmtomeduringthisseductiveburstofconfidencethathewouldforgethimself，andtellmeallabouthisaffairsbeforehesuspectedwhatIwasabout。Ithoughttomyself，Myson，youlittleknowwhatanoldfoxyouaredealingwith。Isaid：
　　“NowyouneverwouldguesswhatImadelecturingthiswinterandlastspring？”
　　“No——don’tbelieveIcould，tosaveme。Letmesee——letmesee。Abouttwothousanddollars，maybe？，Butno;no，sir，Iknowyoucouldn’thavemadethatmuch。Sayseventeenhundred，maybe？”
　　“Ha！ha！，Iknewyoucouldn’t。Mylecturingreceiptsforlastspringandthiswinterwerefourteenthousandsevenhundredandfiftydollars。Whatdoyouthinkofthat？”
　　“Why，itisamazing-perfectlyamazing。Iwillmakeanoteofit。Andyousayeventhiswasn’tall？”
　　“All！，Whyblessyou，therewasmyincomefromtheDailyWarwhoopforfourmonths——about——about——well，whatshouldyousaytoabouteightthousanddollars，forinstance？”
　　“Say！，Why，IshouldsayIshouldliketoseemyselfrollinginjustsuchanotheroceanofaffluence。Eightthousand！，I’llmakeanoteofit。
　　Whyman！——andontopofallthisamItounderstandthatyouhadstillmoreincome？”
　　“Ha！ha！ha！，Why，you’reonlyinthesuburbsofit，sotospeak。
　　There’smybook，TheInnocentsAbroadprice$3。50to$5，accordingtothebinding。Listentome。Lookmeintheeye。Duringthelastfourmonthsandahalf，sayingnothingofsalesbeforethat，butjustsimplyduringthefourmonthsandahalf，we’vesoldninety-fivethousandcopiesofthatbook。Ninety-fivethousand！，Thinkofit。Averagefourdollarsacopy，say。It’snearlyfourhundredthousanddollars，myson。Igethalf。”
　　“ThesufferingMoses！，I’llsetthatdown。Fourteen-seven-fifty——eight-
　　twohundred。Total，say——well，uponmyword，thegrandtotalisabouttwohundredandthirteenorfourteenthousanddollars！，Isthatpossible？”
　　“Possible！，Ifthere’sanymistakeit’stheotherway。Twohundredandfourteenthousand，cash，ismyincomeforthisyearifIknowhowtocipher。”
　　Thenthegentlemangotuptogo。ItcameovermemostuncomfortablythatmaybeIhadmademyrevelationsfornothing，besidesbeingflatteredintostretchingthemconsiderablybythestranger’sastonishedexclamations。
　　Butno;atthelastmomentthegentlemanhandedmealargeenvelope，andsaiditcontainedhisadvertisement;andthatIwouldfindoutallabouthisbusinessinit;andthathewouldbehappytohavemycustom-would，infact，beproudtohavethecustomofamanofsuchprodigiousincome;
　　andthatheusedtothinktherewereseveralwealthymeninthecity，butwhentheycametotradewithhimhediscoveredthattheybarelyhadenoughtoliveon;andthat，intruth，ithadbeensuchaweary，wearyagesincehehadseenarichmanfacetoface，andtalkedtohim，andtouchedhimwithhishands，thathecouldhardlyrefrainfromembracingme——infact，wouldesteemitagreatfavorifIwouldlethimembraceme。
　　ThissopleasedmethatIdidnottrytoresist，butallowedthissimple-
　　heartedstrangertothrowhisarmsaboutmeandweepafewtranquilizingtearsdownthebackofmyneck。Thenhewenthisway。
　　AssoonashewasgoneIopenedhisadvertisement。Istudieditattentivelyforfourminutes。Ithencalledupthecook，andsaid：
　　“HoldmewhileIfaint！，LetMarieturnthegriddle-cakes。”
　　Byandby，whenIcameto，Isentdowntotherum-millonthecornerandhiredanartistbytheweektositupnightsandcursethatstranger，andgivemealiftoccasionallyinthedaytimewhenIcametoahardplace。
　　Ah，whatamiscreanthewas！，His“advertisement，wasnothingintheworld。butawickedtax-return——astringofimpertinentquestionsaboutmyprivateaffairs，occupyingthebestpartoffourfools-cappagesoffineprint-questions，Imayremark，gottenupwithsuchmarvelousingenuitythattheoldestmanintheworldcouldn’tunderstandwhatthemostofthemweredrivingat——questions，too，thatwerecalculatedtomakeamanreportaboutfourtimeshisactualincometokeepfromswearingtoafalsehood。Ilookedforaloophole，buttheredidnotappeartobeany。InquiryNo。1coveredmycaseasgenerouslyandasamplyasanumbrellacouldcoveranant-hill：
　　Whatwereyourprofits，duringthepastyear，fromanytrade，business，orvocation，wherevercarriedon？
　　Andthatinquirywasbackedupbythirteenothersofanequallysearchingnature，themostmodestofwhichrequiredinformationastowhetherIhadcommittedanyburglaryorhighwayrobbery，or，byanyarsonorothersecretsourceofemolumenthadacquiredpropertywhichwasnotenumeratedinmystatementofincomeassetoppositetoinquiryNo。1。
　　Itwasplainthatthatstrangerhadenabledmetomakeagooseofmyself。
　　Itwasvery，veryplain;andsoIwentoutandhiredanotherartist。
　　Byworkingonmyvanity，thestrangerhadseducedmeintodeclaringanincomeoftwohundredandfourteenthousanddollars。Bylaw，onethousanddollarsofthiswasexemptfromincometax——theonlyreliefI
　　couldsee，anditwasonlyadropintheocean。Atthelegalfivepercent。Imustpaytothegovernmentthesumoftenthousandsixhundredandfiftydollars，incometax！
　　[Imayremark，inthisplace，thatIdidnotdoit。]
　　Iamacquaintedwithaveryopulentman，whosehouseisapalace，whosetableisregal，whoseoutlaysareenormous，yetamanwhohasnoincome，asIhaveoftennoticedbytherevenuereturns;andtohimIwentforadviceinmydistress。Hetookmydreadfulexhibitionofreceipts，heputonhisglasses，hetookhispen，andpresto！——Iwasapauper！，Itwastheneatestthingthateverwas。Hediditsimplybydeftlymanipulatingthebillof“DEDUCTIONS。”，Hesetdownmy“State，national，andmunicipaltaxes“atsomuch;my“lossesbyshipwreck;fire，etc。”atsomuch;my“lossesonsalesofrealestate“——on“livestocksold“——on“paymentsforrentofhomestead“——on“repairs，improvements，interest“——on“previouslytaxedsalaryasanofficeroftheUnitedStatesarmy，navy，revenueservice，“andotherthings。Hegotastonishing“deductions“outofeachandeveryoneofthesematters——eachandeveryoneofthem。Andwhenhewasdonehehandedmethepaper，andIsawataglancethatduringtheyearmyincome，inthewayofprofits，hadbeenonethousandtwohundredandfiftydollarsandfortycents。
　　“Now，“saidhe，“thethousanddollarsisexemptbylaw。Whatyouwanttodoistogoandswearthisdocumentinandpaytaxonthetwohundredandfiftydollars。”
　　[WhilehewasmakingthisspeechhislittleboyWillieliftedatwo-
　　dollargreenbackoutofhisvestpocketandvanishedwithit，andIwouldwager;anythingthatifmystrangerweretocallonthatlittleboyto-
　　morrowhewouldmakeafalsereturnofhisincome。]
　　“Doyou，“saidI，“doyoualwaysworkupthe’deductions’afterthisfashioninyourowncase，sir？”
　　“Well，Ishouldsayso！，Ifitweren’tforthoseelevensavingclausesundertheheadof’Deductions’Ishouldbebeggaredeveryyeartosupportthishatefulandwicked，thisextortionateandtyrannicalgovernment。”
　　Thisgentlemanstandsawayupamongtheverybestofthesolidmenofthecity——themenofmoralweight，ofcommercialintegrity，ofunimpeachable，socialspotlessness——andsoIbowedtohisexample。Iwentdowntotherevenueoffice，andundertheaccusingeyesofmyoldvisitorIstoodupandsworetolieafterlie，fraudafterfraud，villainyaftervillainy，tillmysoulwascoatedinchesandinchesthickwithperjury，andmyself-respectgoneforeverandever。
　　Butwhatofit？，Itisnothingmorethanthousandsoftherichestandproudest，andmostrespected，honored，andcourtedmeninAmericadoeveryyear。AndsoIdon’tcare。Iamnotashamed。Ishallsimply，forthepresent，talklittleandeschewfire-proofgloves，lestIfallintocertaindreadfulhabitsirrevocably。
　　End