Thereisreallynoneedtothreatenme。Shatteredbymymiserablehealthandmyfamilytroubles，Iamincapableofresistance。Ifyouinsist，youtakeyourunjustadvantageofme，andIgivewayimmediately。IwillendeavourtorememberwhatIcanunderprotest，andtowritewhatIcanalsounderprotest，andwhatIcan’trememberandcan’twrite，Louismustrememberandwriteforme。Heisanass，andIamaninvalid，andwearelikelytomakeallsortsofmistakesbetweenus。Howhumiliating！
　　Iamtoldtorememberdates。Goodheavens！Ineverdidsuchathinginmylife——howamItobeginnow？
　　IhaveaskedLouis。HeisnotquitesuchanassasIhavehithertosupposed。
　　Heremembersthedateoftheevent。withinaweekortwo——andIrememberthenameoftheperson。ThedatewastowardstheendofJune，orthebeginningofJuly，andthenameinmyopinionaremarkablyvulgaronewasFanny。
　　AttheendofJune，orthebeginningofJuly，then，Iwasreclininginmycustomarystate，surroundedbythevariousobjectsofArtwhichI
　　havecollectedaboutmetoimprovethetasteofthebarbarouspeopleinmyneighbourhood。Thatistosay，Ihadthephotographsofmypictures，andprints，andcoins，andsoforth，allaboutme，whichIintend，oneofthesedays，topresentthephotographs，Imean，iftheclumsyEnglishlanguagewillletmemeananything——topresenttotheinstitutionatCarlislehorridplace！，withaviewtoimprovingthetastesofthemembersGothsandVandalstoaman。Itmightbesupposedthatagentlemanwhowasincourseofconferringagreatnationalbenefitonhiscountrymenwasthelastgentlemanintheworldtobeunfeelinglyworriedaboutprivatedifficultiesandfamilyaffairs。Quiteamistake，Iassureyou，inmycase。
　　However，thereIwas，reclining，withmyart-treasuresaboutme，andwantingaquietmorning。BecauseIwantedaquietmorning，ofcourseLouiscamein。ItwasperfectlynaturalthatIshouldinquirewhatthedeucehemeantbymakinghisappearancewhenIhadnotrungmybell。Iseldomswear——itissuchanungentlemanlikehabit——butwhenLouisansweredbyagrin，IthinkitwasalsoperfectlynaturalthatIshoulddamnhimforgrinning。Atanyrate，Idid。
　　Thisrigorousmodeoftreatment，Ihaveobserved，invariablybringspersonsinthelowerclassoflifetotheirsenses。ItbroughtLouistohissenses。Hewassoobligingastoleaveoffgrinning，andinformmethataYoungPersonwasoutsidewantingtoseeme。Headdedwiththeodioustalkativenessofservants，thathernamewasFanny。
　　`WhoisFanny？’
　　`LadyGlyde’smaid，sir？’
　　`WhatdoesLadyGlyde’smaidwantwithme？’
　　`Aletter，sir-’
　　`Takeit。’
　　`Sherefusestogiveittoanybodybutyou，sir。’
　　`Whosendstheletter？’
　　`MissHalcombe，sir。’
　　ThemomentIheardMissHalcombe’snameIgaveup。ItisahabitofminealwaystogiveuptoMissHalcombe。Ifind，byexperience，thatitsavesnoise。Igaveuponthisoccasion。DearMarian！
　　`LetLadyGlyde’smaidcomein。Louis。Stop！Dohershoescreak？’
　　Iwasobligedtoaskthequestion。Creakingshoesinvariablyupsetmefortheday。IwasresignedtoseetheYoungPerson，butIwasnotresignedtolettheYoungPerson’sshoesupsetme。Thereisalimiteventomyendurance。
　　Louisaffirmeddistinctlythathershoesweretobedependedupon。I
　　wavedmyhand。Heintroducedher。Isitnecessarytosaythatsheexpressedhersenseofembarrassmentbyshuttinguphermouthandbreathingthroughhernose？Tothestudentoffemalehumannatureinthelowerorders，surelynot。
　　Letmedothegirljustice。Hershoesdidnotcreak。ButwhydoYoungPersonsinserviceallperspireatthehands？Whyhavetheyallgotfatnosesandhardcheeks？Andwhyaretheirfacessosadlyunfinished，especiallyaboutthecornersoftheeyelids？Iamnotstrongenoughtothinkdeeplymyselfonanysubject，butIappealtoprofessionalmen，whoare。WhyhavewenovarietyinourbreedofYoungPersons？
　　`Youhavealetterforme，fromMissHalcombe？Putitdownonthetable，please，anddon’tupsetanything。HowisMissHalcombe？’
　　`Verywell，thankyou，sir。’
　　`AndLadyGlyde？’
　　Ireceivednoanswer。TheYoungPerson’sfacebecamemoreunfinishedthanever，andIthinkshebegantocry。Icertainlysawsomethingmoistabouthereyes。Tearsorperspiration？LouiswhomIhavejustconsulted
　　isinclinedtothink，tears。Heisinherclassoflife，andheoughttoknowbest。Letussay，tears。
　　ExceptwhentherefiningprocessofArtjudiciouslyremovesfromthemallresemblancetoNature，Idistinctlyobjecttotears。TearsarescientificallydescribedasaSecretion。Icanunderstandthatasecretionmaybehealthyorunhealthy，butIcannotseetheinterestofasecretionfromasentimentalpointofview。Perhapsmyownsecretionsbeingallwrongtogether，Iamalittleprejudicedonthesubject。Nomatter。Ibehaved，onthisoccasion，withallpossibleproprietyandfeeling。IclosedmyeyesandsaidtoLouis——
　　`Endeavourtoascertainwhatshemeans。’
　　Louisendeavoured，andtheYoungPersonendeavoured。TheysucceededinconfusingeachothertosuchanextentthatIamboundincommongratitudetosaytheyreallyamusedme。IthinkIshallsendforthemagainwhenIaminlowspirits。IhavejustmentionedthisideatoLouis。Strangetosay，itseemstomakehimuncomfortable。Poordevil！
　　SurelyIamnotexpectedtorepeatmyniece’smaid’sexplanationofhertears，interpretedintheEnglishofmySwissvalet？Thethingismanifestlyimpossible。Icangivemyownimpressionsandfeelingsperhaps。Willthatdoaswell？Pleasesay，Yes。
　　MyideaisthatshebeganbytellingmethroughLouisthathermasterhaddismissedherfromhermistress’sservice。Observe，throughout，thestrangeirrelevancyoftheYoungPerson。Wasitmyfaultthatshehadlostherplace？Onherdismissal，shehadgonetotheinntosleep。Idon’tkeeptheinn——whymentionittome？Betweensiro’clockandsevenMissHalcombehadcometosaygood-bye，andhadgivenhertwoletters，oneforme，andoneforagentlemaninLondon。IamnotagentlemaninLondon——hangthegentlemaninLondon！ShehadcarefullyputthetwolettersintoherbosomwhathaveItodowithherbosom？；shehadbeenveryunhappy，whenMissHalcombehadgoneawayagain；shehadnothadthehearttoputbitordropbetweenherlipstillitwasnearbedtime，andthen，whenitwascloseonnineo’clock，shehadthoughtsheshouldlikeacupoftea。
　　AmIresponsibleforanyofthesevulgarfluctuations，whichbeginwithunhappinessandendwithtea？rustasshewaswarmingthepotIgivethewordsontheauthorityofLouis，whosaysheknowswhattheymean，andwishestoexplain，butIsnubhimonprinciple——justasshewaswarmingthepotthedooropened，andshewasstruckofaheapherownwordsagain，andperfectlyunintelligiblethistimetoLouis，aswellastomyselfbytheappearanceintheinnparlourofherladyshiptheCountess。
　　Igivemyniece’smaid’sdescriptionofmysister’stitlewithasenseofthehighestrelish。Mypoordearsisterisatiresomewomanwhomarriedaforeigner。Toresume：thedooropened，herladyshiptheCountessappearedintheparlour，andtheYoungPersonwasstruckofaheap。Mostremarkable！
　　ImustreallyrestalittlebeforeIcangetonanyfarther。WhenI
　　havereclinedforafewminutes，withmyeyesclosed，andwhenLouishasrefreshedmypoorachingtempleswithalittleeau-de-Cologne，Imaybeabletoproceed。
　　HerladyshiptheCountess——
　　No。Iamabletoproceed，butnottositup。Iwillreclineanddictate。
　　Louishasahorridaccent，butheknowsthelanguage，andcanwrite。Howveryconvenient！
　　Herladyship，theCountess，explainedherunexpectedappearanceattheinnbytellingFannythatshehadcometobringoneortwolittlemessageswhichMissHalcombeinherhurryhadforgotten。TheYoungPersonthereuponwaitedanxiouslytohearwhatthemessageswere，buttheCountessseemeddisinclinedtomentionthemsolikemysister’stiresomeway！untilFannyhadhadhertea。Herladyshipwassurprisinglykindandthoughtfulaboutitextremelyunlikemysister，andsaid，`Iamsure，mypoorgirl，youmustwantyourtea。Wecanletthemessageswaittillafterwards。Come，come，ifnothingelsewillputyouatyourease，I’llmaketheteaandhaveacupwithyou。’Ithinkthosewerethewords，asreportedexcitably，inmypresence，bytheYoungPerson。Atanyrate，theCountessinsistedonmakingthetea，andcarriedherridiculousostentationofhumilitysofarastotakeonecupherself，andtoinsistonthegirl’stakingtheother。Thegirldrankthetea，andaccordingtoherownaccount，solemnisedtheextraordinaryoccasionfiveminutesafterwardsbyfaintingdeadawayforthefirsttimeinherlife。HereagainIuseherownwords。Louisthinkstheywereaccompaniedbyanincreasedsecretionoftears。Ican’tsaymyself。
　　TheeffortoflisteningbeingquiteasmuchasIcouldmanage，myeyeswereclosed。
　　WheredidIleaveoff？Ah，yes——shefaintedafterdrinkingacupofteawiththeCountess——aproceedingwhichmighthaveinterestedmeifIhadbeenhermedicalman，butbeingnothingofthesortIfeltboredbyhearingofit，nothingmore。Whenshecametoherselfinhalfanhourstimeshewasonthesofa，andnobodywaswithherbutthelandlady。TheCountess，findingittoolatetoremainanylongerattheinn，hadgoneawayassoonasthegirlshowedsignsofrecovering，andthelandladyhadbeengoodenoughtohelpherupstairstobed。