“Andthenewsystemisoneofyourowninvention？”
　　“Notaltogether。SomeportionsofitarereferabletoProfessorTarr，ofwhomyouhave，necessarily，heard；and，again，therearemodificationsinmyplanwhichIamhappytoacknowledgeasbelongingofrighttothecelebratedFether，withwhom，ifImistakenot，youhavethehonorofanintimateacquaintance。”
　　“Iamquiteashamedtoconfess。”Ireplied，“thatIhaveneverevenheardthenamesofeithergentlemanbefore。”
　　“Goodheavens！”ejaculatedmyhost，drawingbackhischairabruptly，andupliftinghishands。“Isurelydonothearyouaright！Youdidnotintendtosay，eh？thatyouhadneverheardeitherofthelearnedDoctorTarr，orofthecelebratedProfessorFether？”
　　“Iamforcedtoacknowledgemyignorance。”Ireplied；“butthetruthshouldbeheldinviolateaboveallthings。Nevertheless，Ifeelhumbledtothedust，nottobeacquaintedwiththeworksofthese，nodoubt，extraordinarymen。Iwillseekouttheirwritingsforthwith，andperusethemwithdeliberatecare。MonsieurMaillard，youhavereallyImustconfessityouhavereallymademeashamedofmyself！”
　　Andthiswasthefact。
　　“Saynomore，mygoodyoungfriend。”hesaidkindly，pressingmyhand，“joinmenowinaglassofSauterne。”
　　Wedrank。Thecompanyfollowedourexamplewithoutstint。Theychattedtheyjestedtheylaughedtheyperpetratedathousandabsurditiesthefiddlesshriekedthedrumrow-de-dowedthetrombonesbellowedlikesomanybrazenbullsofPhalarisandthewholescene，growinggraduallyworseandworse，asthewinesgainedtheascendancy，becameatlengthasortofpandemoniuminpetto。Inthemeantime，MonsieurMaillardandmyself，withsomebottlesofSauterneandVougeotbetweenus，continuedourconversationatthetopofthevoice。AwordspokeninanordinarykeystoodnomorechanceofbeingheardthanthevoiceofafishfromthebottomofNiagraFalls。
　　“And，sir。”saidI，screaminginhisear，“youmentionedsomethingbeforedinneraboutthedangerincurredintheoldsystemofsoothing。Howisthat？”
　　“Yes。”hereplied，“therewas，occasionally，verygreatdangerindeed。Thereisnoaccountingforthecapricesofmadmen；and，inmyopinionaswellasinthatofDr。TarrandProfessorFether，itisneversafetopermitthemtorunatlargeunattended。Alunaticmaybe’soothed，’asitiscalled，foratime，but，intheend，heisveryapttobecomeobstreperous。Hiscunning，too，isproverbialandgreat。Ifhehasaprojectinview，heconcealshisdesignwithamarvellouswisdom；andthedexteritywithwhichhecounterfeitssanity，presents，tothemetaphysician，oneofthemostsingularproblemsinthestudyofmind。Whenamadmanappearsthoroughlysane，indeed，itishightimetoputhiminastraitjacket。”
　　“Butthedanger，mydearsir，ofwhichyouwerespeaking，inyourownexperienceduringyourcontrolofthishousehaveyouhadpracticalreasontothinklibertyhazardousinthecaseofalunatic？”
　　“Here？inmyownexperience？why，Imaysay，yes。Forexample：
　　noverylongwhileago，asingularcircumstanceoccurredinthisveryhouse。The’soothingsystem，’youknow，wastheninoperation，andthepatientswereatlarge。Theybehavedremarkablywell-especiallyso，anyoneofsensemighthaveknownthatsomedevilishschemewasbrewingfromthatparticularfact，thatthefellowsbehavedsoremarkablywell。And，sureenough，onefinemorningthekeepersfoundthemselvespinionedhandandfoot，andthrownintothecells，wheretheywereattended，asiftheywerethelunatics，bythelunaticsthemselves，whohadusurpedtheofficesofthekeepers。”
　　“Youdon’ttellmeso！Ineverheardofanythingsoabsurdinmylife！”
　　“Factitallcametopassbymeansofastupidfellowalunaticwho，bysomemeans，hadtakenitintohisheadthathehadinventedabettersystemofgovernmentthananyeverheardofbeforeoflunaticgovernment，Imean。Hewishedtogivehisinventionatrial，Isuppose，andsohepersuadedtherestofthepatientstojoinhiminaconspiracyfortheoverthrowofthereigningpowers。”
　　“Andhereallysucceeded？”
　　“Nodoubtofit。Thekeepersandkeptweresoonmadetoexchangeplaces。Notthatexactlyeitherforthemadmenhadbeenfree，butthekeeperswereshutupincellsforthwith，andtreated，Iamsorrytosay，inaverycavaliermanner。”
　　“ButIpresumeacounter-revolutionwassooneffected。Thisconditionofthingscouldnothavelongexisted。Thecountrypeopleintheneighborhood-visitorscomingtoseetheestablishmentwouldhavegiventhealarm。”
　　“Thereyouareout。Theheadrebelwastoocunningforthat。Headmittednovisitorsatallwiththeexception，oneday，ofaverystupid-lookingyounggentlemanofwhomhehadnoreasontobeafraid。
　　Helethimintoseetheplacejustbywayofvariety，tohavealittlefunwithhim。Assoonashehadgammonedhimsufficiently，helethimout，andsenthimabouthisbusiness。”
　　“Andhowlong，then，didthemadmenreign？”
　　“Oh，averylongtime，indeedamonthcertainlyhowmuchlongerIcan’tpreciselysay。Inthemeantime，thelunaticshadajollyseasonofitthatyoumayswear。Theydoffedtheirownshabbyclothes，andmadefreewiththefamilywardrobeandjewels。Thecellarsofthechateauwerewellstockedwithwine；andthesemadmenarejustthedevilsthatknowhowtodrinkit。Theylivedwell，Icantellyou。”
　　“Andthetreatmentwhatwastheparticularspeciesoftreatmentwhichtheleaderoftherebelsputintooperation？”
　　“Why，asforthat，amadmanisnotnecessarilyafool，asIhavealreadyobserved；anditismyhonestopinionthathistreatmentwasamuchbettertreatmentthanthatwhichitsuperseded。ItwasaverycapitalsystemindeedsimpleneatnotroubleatallinfactitwasdeliciousitwasHeremyhost’sobservationswerecutshortbyanotherseriesofyells，ofthesamecharacterasthosewhichhadpreviouslydisconcertedus。Thistime，however，theyseemedtoproceedfrompersonsrapidlyapproaching。
　　“Graciousheavens！”Iejaculated“thelunaticshavemostundoubtedlybrokenloose。”
　　“Iverymuchfearitisso。”repliedMonsieurMaillard，nowbecomingexcessivelypale。Hehadscarcelyfinishedthesentence，beforeloudshoutsandimprecationswereheardbeneaththewindows；and，immediatelyafterward，itbecameevidentthatsomepersonsoutsidewereendeavoringtogainentranceintotheroom。Thedoorwasbeatenwithwhatappearedtobeasledge-hammer，andtheshutterswerewrenchedandshakenwithprodigiousviolence。
　　Asceneofthemostterribleconfusionensued。MonsieurMaillard，tomyexcessiveastonishmentthrewhimselfundertheside-board。Ihadexpectedmoreresolutionathishands。Themembersoftheorchestra，who，forthelastfifteenminutes，hadbeenseeminglytoomuchintoxicatedtododuty，nowsprangallatoncetotheirfeetandtotheirinstruments，and，scramblingupontheirtable，brokeout，withoneaccord，into，“YankeeDoodle。”whichtheyperformed，ifnotexactlyintune，atleastwithanenergysuperhuman，duringthewholeoftheuproar。
　　Meantime，uponthemaindining-table，amongthebottlesandglasses，leapedthegentlemanwho，withsuchdifficulty，hadbeenrestrainedfromleapingtherebefore。Assoonashefairlysettledhimself，hecommencedanoration，which，nodoubt，wasaverycapitalone，ifitcouldonlyhavebeenheard。Atthesamemoment，themanwiththeteetotumpredilection，sethimselftospinningaroundtheapartment，withimmenseenergy，andwitharmsoutstretchedatrightangleswithhisbody；sothathehadalltheairofatee-totuminfact，andknockedeverybodydownthathappenedtogetinhisway。Andnow，too，hearinganincrediblepoppingandfizzingofchampagne，Idiscoveredatlength，thatitproceededfromthepersonwhoperformedthebottleofthatdelicatedrinkduringdinner。Andthen，again，thefrog-mancroakedawayasifthesalvationofhissouldependeduponeverynotethatheuttered。And，inthemidstofallthis，thecontinuousbrayingofadonkeyaroseoverall。Asformyoldfriend，MadameJoyeuse，Ireallycouldhaveweptforthepoorlady，sheappearedsoterriblyperplexed。Allshedid，however，wastostandupinacorner，bythefireplace，andsingoutincessantlyatthetopofhervoice，“Cock-a-doodle-de-dooooooh！”
　　Andnowcametheclimaxthecatastropheofthedrama。Asnoresistance，beyondwhoopingandyellingandcock-a-doodling，wasofferedtotheencroachmentsofthepartywithout，thetenwindowswereveryspeedily，andalmostsimultaneously，brokenin。ButIshallneverforgettheemotionsofwonderandhorrorwithwhichIgazed，when，leapingthroughthesewindows，anddownamonguspele-mele，fighting，stamping，scratching，andhowling，thererushedaperfectarmyofwhatItooktobeChimpanzees，Ourang-Outangs，orbigblackbaboonsoftheCapeofGoodHope。
　　IreceivedaterriblebeatingafterwhichIrolledunderasofaandlaystill。Afterlyingtheresomefifteenminutes，duringwhichtimeIlistenedwithallmyearstowhatwasgoingonintheroom，I
　　cametosamesatisfactorydenouementofthistragedy。MonsieurMaillard，itappeared，ingivingmetheaccountofthelunaticwhohadexcitedhisfellowstorebellion，hadbeenmerelyrelatinghisownexploits。Thisgentlemanhad，indeed，sometwoorthreeyearsbefore，beenthesuperintendentoftheestablishment，butgrewcrazyhimself，andsobecameapatient。Thisfactwasunknowntothetravellingcompanionwhointroducedme。Thekeepers，teninnumber，havingbeensuddenlyoverpowered，werefirstwelltarred，then
　　carefullyfeathered，andthenshutupinundergroundcells。Theyhadbeensoimprisonedformorethanamonth，duringwhichperiodMonsieurMaillardhadgenerouslyallowedthemnotonlythetarandfeatherswhichconstitutedhis“system“，butsomebreadandabundanceofwater。Thelatterwaspumpedonthemdaily。Atlength，oneescapingthroughasewer，gavefreedomtoalltherest。
　　The“soothingsystem。”withimportantmodifications，hasbeenresumedatthechateau；yetIcannothelpagreeingwithMonsieurMaillard，thathisown“treatment“wasaverycapitaloneofitskind。Ashejustlyobserved，itwas“simpleneatandgavenotroubleatallnottheleast。”
　　Ihaveonlytoaddthat，althoughIhavesearchedeverylibraryinEuropefortheworksofDoctorTarrandProfessorFether，Ihave，uptothepresentday，utterlyfailedinmyendeavorsatprocuringanedition。
　　“InthenameoftheProphetfigs！！”
　　_CryoftheTurkishfig-peddler_。
　　IPRESUMEeverybodyhasheardofme。MynameistheSignoraPsycheZenobia。ThisIknowtobeafact。NobodybutmyenemiesevercallsmeSukySnobbs。IhavebeenassuredthatSukyisbutavulgarcorruptionofPsyche，whichisgoodGreek，andmeans“thesoul“
　　that’sme，I’mallsoulandsometimes“abutterfly。”whichlattermeaningundoubtedlyalludestomyappearanceinmynewcrimsonsatindress，withthesky-blueArabianmantelet，andthetrimmingsofgreenagraffas，andthesevenflouncesoforange-coloredauriculas。AsforSnobbsanypersonwhoshouldlookatmewouldbeinstantlyawarethatmynamewasn’tSnobbs。MissTabithaTurnippropagatedthatreportthroughsheerenvy。TabithaTurnipindeed！Ohthelittlewretch！Butwhatcanweexpectfromaturnip？Wonderifsherememberstheoldadageabout“bloodoutofaturnip。”&c。？[Mem。putherinmindofitthefirstopportunity。][Mem。againpullhernose。]
　　WherewasI？Ah！IhavebeenassuredthatSnobbsisamerecorruptionofZenobia，andthatZenobiawasaqueenSoamI。Dr。MoneypennyalwayscallsmetheQueenoftheHeartsandthatZenobia，aswellasPsyche，isgoodGreek，andthatmyfatherwas“aGreek。”andthatconsequentlyIhavearighttoourpatronymic，whichisZenobiaandnotbyanymeansSnobbs。NobodybutTabithaTurnipcallsmeSukySnobbs。IamtheSignoraPsycheZenobia。
　　AsIsaidbefore，everybodyhasheardofme。IamthatverySignoraPsycheZenobia，sojustlycelebratedascorrespondingsecretarytothe“Philadelphia，Regular，Exchange，Tea，Total，Young，Belles，Lettres，Universal，Experimental，Bibliographical，Association，To，Civilize，Humanity。”Dr。Moneypennymadethetitleforus，andsayshechoseitbecauseitsoundedbiglikeanemptyrum-puncheon。A
　　vulgarmanthatsometimesbuthe’sdeep。Weallsigntheinitialsofthesocietyafterournames，inthefashionoftheR。S。A。，RoyalSocietyofArtstheS。D。U。K。，SocietyfortheDiffusionofUsefulKnowledge，&c，&c。Dr。MoneypennysaysthatS。standsforstale，andthatD。U。K。spellsduck，butitdon’t，thatS。D。U。