Ineverheardamorefluenttalker，oramanofgreatergeneralinformation。Withbecomingmodesty，heforebore，nevertheless，totouchuponthethemeIhadjustthenmostatheart-ImeanthemysteriouscircumstancesattendingtheBugaboowar-and，onmyownpart，whatIconceivetobeapropersenseofdelicacyforbademetobroachthesubject；although，intruth，Iwasexceedinglytemptedtodoso。Iperceived，too，thatthegallantsoldierpreferredtopicsofphilosophicalinterest，andthathedelighted，especially，incommentingupontherapidmarchofmechanicalinvention。Indeed，leadhimwhereIwould，thiswasapointtowhichheinvariablycameback。
　　“Thereisnothingatalllikeit。”hewouldsay；“weareawonderfulpeople，andliveinawonderfulage。Parachutesandrail-roads-man-trapsandspring-guns！Oursteam-boatsareuponeverysea，andtheNassauballoonpacketisabouttorunregulartripsfareeitherwayonlytwentypoundssterlingbetweenLondonandTimbuctoo。Andwhoshallcalculatetheimmenseinfluenceuponsociallife-uponarts-uponcommerce-uponliterature-whichwillbetheimmediateresultofthegreatprinciplesofelectromagnetics！Nor，isthisall，letmeassureyou！Thereisreallynoendtothemarchofinvention。Themostwonderful-themostingenious-andletmeadd，Mr-Mr-Thompson，Ibelieve，isyourname-letmeadd，Isay，themost_useful_-themosttruly_useful_mechanicalcontrivances，aredailyspringinguplikemushrooms，ifImaysoexpressmyself，or，morefiguratively，like-
　　ah-grasshoppers-likegrasshoppers，Mr。Thompson-aboutusandah-ah-ah-aroundus！”
　　Thompson，tobesure，isnotmyname；butitisneedlesstosaythatIleftGeneralSmithwithaheightenedinterestintheman，withanexaltedopinionofhisconversationalpowers，andadeepsenseofthevaluableprivilegesweenjoyinlivinginthisageofmechanicalinvention。Mycuriosity，however，hadnotbeenaltogethersatisfied，andIresolvedtoprosecuteimmediateinquiryamongmyacquaintancestouchingtheBrevetBrigadierGeneralhimself，andparticularlyrespectingthetremendousevents_quorumparsmagnafuit_，duringtheBugabooandKickapoocampaign。
　　Thefirstopportunitywhichpresenteditself，andwhich_horrescoreferens_Ididnotintheleastscrupletoseize，occurredattheChurchoftheReverendDoctorDrummummupp，whereI
　　foundmyselfestablished，oneSunday，justatsermontime，notonlyinthepew，butbytheside，ofthatworthyandcommunicativelittlefriendofmine，MissTabithaT。Thusseated，Icongratulatedmyself，andwithmuchreason，upontheveryflatteringstateofaffairs。IfanypersonknewanythingaboutBrevetBrigadierGeneralJohnA。B。C。
　　Smith，thatperson，itwascleartome，wasMissTabithaT。Wetelegraphedafewsignals，andthencommenced，_sotovoce_，abrisk_t阾e-？t阾e_。
　　“Smith！”saidshe，inreplytomyveryearnestinquiry；“Smith！-why，notGeneralJohnA。B。C。？Blessme，Ithoughtyou_knew_
　　allabout_him！_Thisisawonderfullyinventiveage！Horridaffairthat！-abloodysetofwretches，thoseKickapoos！-
　　foughtlikeahero-prodigiesofvalor-immortalrenown。Smith！-
　　BrevetBrigadierGeneralJohnA。B。C。！why，youknowhe’stheman“-
　　“Man。”herebrokeinDoctorDrummummupp，atthetopofhisvoice，andwithathumpthatcamenearknockingthepulpitaboutourears；
　　“manthatisbornofawomanhathbutashorttimetolive；hecomethupandiscutdownlikeaflower！”Istartedtotheextremityofthepew，andperceivedbytheanimatedlooksofthedivine，thatthewrathwhichhadnearlyprovedfataltothepulpithadbeenexcitedbythewhispersoftheladyandmyself。Therewasnohelpforit；soIsubmittedwithagoodgrace，andlistened，inallthemartyrdomofdignifiedsilence，tothebalanceofthatverycapitaldiscourse。
　　NexteveningfoundmeasomewhatlatevisitorattheRantipoletheatre，whereIfeltsureofsatisfyingmycuriosityatonce，bymerelysteppingintotheboxofthoseexquisitespecimensofaffabilityandomniscience，theMissesArabellaandMirandaCognoscenti。Thatfinetragedian，Climax，wasdoingIagotoaverycrowdedhouse，andIexperiencedsomelittledifficultyinmakingmywishesunderstood；especially，asourboxwasnexttheslips，andcompletelyoverlookedthestage。
　　“Smith？”saidMissArabella，assheatlengthcomprehendedthepurportofmyquery；“Smith？-why，notGeneralJohnA。B。C。？”
　　“Smith？”inquiredMiranda，musingly。“Godblessme，didyoueverbeholdafinerfigure？”
　　“Never，madam，but_do_tellme“-
　　“Orsoinimitablegrace？”
　　“Never，uponmyword！-Butprayinformme“-
　　“Orsojustanappreciationofstageeffect？”
　　“Madam！”
　　“OramoredelicatesenseofthetruebeautiesofShakespeare？
　　Besogoodastolookatthatleg！”
　　“Thedevil！”andIturnedagaintohersister。
　　“Smith？”saidshe，“why，notGeneralJohnA。B。C。？Horridaffairthat，wasn’tit？-greatwretches，thoseBugaboos-savageandsoon-butweliveinawonderfullyinventiveage！-Smith！-
　　Oyes！greatman！-perfectdesperado-immortalrenown-
　　prodigiesofvalor！_Neverheard！_“[Thiswasgiveninascream。]
　　“Blessmysoul！why，he’stheman“-
　　“-mandragoraNorallthedrowsysyrupsoftheworldShallevermedicinetheetothatsweetsleepWhichthouowd’styesterday！”
　　hereroaredourClimaxjustinmyear，andshakinghisfistinmyfaceallthetime，inawaythatI_couldn’t_stand，andI
　　_wouldn’t_。IlefttheMissesCognoscentiimmediately，wentbehindthescenesforthwith，andgavethebeggarlyscoundrelsuchathrashingasItrusthewillremembertothedayofhisdeath。
　　Atthe_soir閑_ofthelovelywidow，Mrs。KathleenO’Trump，IwasconfidentthatIshouldmeetwithnosimilardisappointment。
　　Accordingly，Iwasnosoonerseatedatthecard-table，withmyprettyhostessfora_vis-？vis_，thanIpropoundedthosequestionsthesolutionofwhichhadbecomeamattersoessentialtomypeace。
　　“Smith？”saidmypartner，“why，notGeneralJohnA。B。C。？
　　Horridaffairthat，wasn’tit？-diamonds，didyousay？-
　　terriblewretchesthoseKickapoos！-weareplaying_whist_，ifyouplease，Mr。Tattle-however，thisistheageofinvention，mostcertainly_the_age，onemaysay-_the_age_parexcellence_-
　　speakFrench？-oh，quiteahero-perfectdesperado！-_nohearts_，Mr。Tattle？Idon’tbelieveit！-immortalrenownandallthat！-prodigiesofvalor！_Neverheard！！_-why，blessme，he’stheman“-
　　“Mann？-_Captain_Mann？”herescreamedsomelittlefeminineinterloperfromthefarthestcorneroftheroom。“AreyoutalkingaboutCaptainMannandtheduel？-oh，I_must_hear-dotell-
　　goon，Mrs。O’Trump！-donowgoon！”AndgoonMrs。O’Trumpdid-allaboutacertainCaptainMann，whowaseithershotorhung，orshouldhavebeenbothshotandhung。Yes！Mrs。O’Trump，shewenton，andI-Iwentoff。TherewasnochanceofhearinganythingfartherthateveninginregardtoBrevetBrigadierGeneralJohnA。B。
　　C。Smith。
　　StillIconsoledmyselfwiththereflectionthatthetideofillluckwouldnotrunagainstmeforever，andsodeterminedtomakeaboldpushforinformationattheroutofthatbewitchinglittleangel，thegracefulMrs。Pirouette。
　　“Smith？”saidMrs。P。，aswetwirledabouttogetherina_pasdezephyr_，“Smith？-why，notGeneralJohnA。B。C。？DreadfulbusinessthatoftheBugaboos，wasn’tit？-dreadfulcreatures，thoseIndians！-_do_turnoutyourtoes！Ireallyamashamedofyou-manofgreatcourage，poorfellow！-butthisisawonderfulageforinvention-Odearme，I’moutofbreath-quiteadesperado-prodigiesofvalor-_neverheard！！_-can’tbelieveit-Ishallhavetositdownandenlightenyou-Smith！why，he’stheman“-
　　“Man-_Fred_，Itellyou！”herebawledoutMissBas-Bleu，asI
　　ledMrs。Pirouettetoaseat。“Dideveranybodyhearthelike？
　　It’sMan-_Fred_，Isay，andnotatallbyanymeansMan-_Friday_。”
　　HereMissBas-Bleubeckonedtomeinaveryperemptorymanner；andI
　　wasobliged，willInillI，toleaveMrs。P。forthepurposeofdecidingadisputetouchingthetitleofacertainpoeticaldramaofLordByron’s。AlthoughIpronounced，withgreatpromptness，thatthetruetitlewasMan-_Friday_，andnotbyanymeansMan-_Fred_，yetwhenIreturnedtoseekMrs。Pirouetteshewasnottobediscovered，andImademyretreatfromthehouseinaverybitterspiritofanimosityagainstthewholeraceoftheBas-Bleus。
　　Mattershadnowassumedareallyseriousaspect，andIresolvedtocallatonceuponmyparticularfriend，Mr。TheodoreSinivate；
　　forIknewthathereatleastIshouldgetsomethinglikedefiniteinformation。
　　“Smith？”saidhe，inhiswell-knownpeculiarwayofdrawlingouthissyllables；“Smith？-why，notGeneralJohnA。B。C。？SavageaffairthatwiththeKickapo-o-o-os，wasn’tit？Say！don’tyouthinkso？-perfectdespera-a-ado-greatpity，’ponmyhonor！-
　　wonderfullyinventiveage！-pro-o-odigiesofvalor！Bytheby，didyoueverhearaboutCaptainMa-a-a-a-n？”
　　“CaptainMannbedd！”saidI；“pleasetogoonwithyourstory。”
　　“Hem！-ohwell！-quite_lam阭echo-o-ose_，aswesayinFrance。Smith，eh？Brigadier-GeneralJohnA。B。C。？Isay“-
　　[hereMr。S。thoughtpropertoputhisfingertothesideofhisnose]-“Isay，youdon’tmeantoinsinuatenow，reallyandtruly，andconscientiously，thatyoudon’tknowallaboutthataffairofSmith’s，aswellasIdo，eh？Smith？JohnA-B-C。？Why，blessme，he’sthema-a-an“-
　　“_Mr_。Sinivate。”saidI，imploringly，“_is_hethemaninthemask？”
　　“No-o-o！”saidhe，lookingwise，“northemaninthemo-o-on。”
　　ThisreplyIconsideredapointedandpositiveinsult，andsoleftthehouseatonceinhighdudgeon，withafirmresolvetocallmyfriend，Mr。Sinivate，toaspeedyaccountforhisungentlemanlyconductandill-breeding。
　　Inthemeantime，however，IhadnonotionofbeingthwartedtouchingtheinformationIdesired。Therewasoneresourceleftmeyet。Iwouldgotothefountain-head。IwouldcallforthwithupontheGeneralhimself，anddemand，inexplicitterms，asolutionofthisabominablepieceofmystery。Here，atleast，thereshouldbenochanceforequivocation。Iwouldbeplain，positive，peremptory-asshortaspie-crust-asconciseasTacitusorMontesquieu。
　　ItwasearlywhenIcalled，andtheGeneralwasdressing；butI
　　pleadedurgentbusiness，andwasshownatonceintohisbed-roombyanoldnegrovalet，whoremainedinattendanceduringmyvisit。AsI
　　enteredthechamber，Ilookedabout，ofcourse，fortheoccupant，butdidnotimmediatelyperceivehim。Therewasalargeandexceedinglyodd-lookingbundleofsomethingwhichlayclosebymyfeetonthefloor，and，asIwasnotinthebesthumorintheworld，Igaveitakickoutoftheway。
　　“Hem！ahem！rathercivilthat，Ishouldsay！”saidthebundle，inoneofthesmallest，andaltogetherthefunniestlittlevoices，betweenasqueakandawhistle，thatIeverheardinallthedaysofmyexistence。
　　“Ahem！rathercivilthat，Ishouldobserve。”
　　Ifairlyshoutedwithterror，andmadeoff，atatangent，intothefarthestextremityoftheroom。
　　“Godblessme！mydearfellow。”hereagainwhistledthebundle，“what-what-what-why，what_is_thematter？Ireallybelieveyoudon’tknowmeatall。”
　　What_could_Isaytoallthis-what_could_I？Istaggeredintoanarm-chair，and，withstaringeyesandopenmouth，awaitedthesolutionofthewonder。
　　“Strangeyoushouldn’tknowmethough，isn’tit？”presentlyre-squeakedthenondescript，whichInowperceivedwasperforming，uponthefloor，someinexplicableevolution，veryanalogoustothedrawingonofastocking。Therewasonlyasingleleg，however，apparent。
　　“Strangeyoushouldn’tknowme，though，isn’tit？Pompey，bringmethatleg！”HerePompeyhandedthebundle，averycapitalcorkleg，alreadydressed，whichitscrewedoninatrice；andthenitstoodupbeforemyeyes。
　　“Andabloodyactionit_was_。”continuedthething，asifinasoliloquy；“butthenonemustn’tfightwiththeBugaboosandKickapoos，andthinkofcomingoffwithamerescratch。Pompey，I’llthankyounowforthatarm。Thomas“[turningtome]“isdecidedlythebesthandatacorkleg；butifyoushouldeverwantanarm，mydearfellow，youmustreallyletmerecommendyoutoBishop。”HerePompeyscrewedonanarm。
　　“Wehadratherhotworkofit，thatyoumaysay。Now，youdog，sliponmyshouldersandbosom！Pettittmakesthebestshoulders，butforabosomyouwillhavetogotoDucrow。”
　　“Bosom！”saidI。
　　“Pompey，willyou_never_bereadywiththatwig？Scalpingisaroughprocessafterall；butthenyoucanprocuresuchacapitalscratchatDeL’Orme’s。”
　　“Scratch！”