andcomplimentedtheastonishedlittlewomanupontheprodigioussensationwhichshehadmadeinthehouse；
　　andtriedtofascinateDobbinbytalkingofthelatewarandtheexploitsofthePumpernickelcontingentunderthecommandoftheHereditaryPrince，nowDukeofPumpernickel。
　　LordTapeworminheritednolittleportionofthefamilygallantry，anditwashishappybeliefthatalmosteverywomanuponwhomhehimselfcastfriendlyeyeswasinlovewithhim。HeleftEmmyunderthepersuasionthatshewasslainbyhiswitandattractionsandwenthometohislodgingstowriteaprettylittlenotetoher。Shewasnotfascinated，onlypuzzled，byhisgrinning，hissimpering，hisscentedcambrichandkerchief，andhishigh-heeledlacqueredboots。Shedidnotunderstandone-halfthecomplimentswhichhepaid；shehadnever，inhersmallexperienceofmankind，metaprofessionalladies’manasyet，andlookeduponmylordassomethingcuriousratherthanpleasant；andifshedidnotadmire，certainlywonderedathim。Jos，onthecontrary，wasdelighted。”HowveryaffablehisLordshipis。”hesaid；“HowverykindofhisLordshiptosayhewouldsendhismedicalman！
　　Kirsch，youwillcarryourcardstotheCountdeSchlusselbackdirectly；theMajorandIwillhavethegreatestpleasureinpayingourrespectsatCourtassoonaspossible。Putoutmyuniform，Kirsch——bothouruniforms。ItisamarkofpolitenesswhicheveryEnglishgentlemanoughttoshowtothecountrieswhichhevisitstopayhisrespectstothesovereignsofthosecountriesastotherepresentativesofhisown。”
　　WhenTapeworm’sdoctorcame，DoctorvonGlauber，BodyPhysiciantoH。S。H。theDuke，hespeedilyconvincedJosthatthePumpernickelmineralspringsandtheDoctor’sparticulartreatmentwouldinfalliblyrestoretheBengaleetoyouthandslimness。”Derecameherelastyear。”hesaid，“SheneralBulkeley，anEnglishSheneral，tvicesopicasyou，sir。Isenthimbackqvitetinaftertreemonths，andhedancedvidBaronessGlauberattheendoftwo。”
　　Jos’smindwasmadeup；thesprings，theDoctor，theCourt，andtheCharged’Affairesconvincedhim，andheproposedtospendtheautumninthesedelightfulquarters。Andpunctualtohisword，onthenextdaytheCharged’AffairespresentedJosandtheMajortoVictorAureliusXVII，beingconductedtotheiraudiencewiththatsovereignbytheCountdeSchlusselback，MarshaloftheCourt。
　　TheywerestraightwayinvitedtodinneratCourt，andtheirintentionofstayinginthetownbeingannounced，thepolitestladiesofthewholetowninstantlycalleduponMrs。Osborne；andasnotoneofthese，howeverpoortheymightbe，wasundertherankofaBaroness，Jos’sdelightwasbeyondexpression。HewroteofftoChutneyattheClubtosaythattheServicewashighlyappreciatedinGermany，thathewasgoingtoshowhisfriend，theCountdeSchlusselback，howtostickapigintheIndianfashion，andthathisaugustfriends，theDukeandDuchess，wereeverythingthatwaskindandcivil。
　　Emmy，too，waspresentedtotheaugustfamily，andasmourningisnotadmittedinCourtoncertaindays，sheappearedinapinkcrapedresswithadiamondornamentinthecorsage，presentedtoherbyherbrother，andshelookedsoprettyinthiscostumethattheDukeandCourtputtingoutofthequestiontheMajor，whohadscarcelyeverseenherbeforeinaneveningdress，andvowedthatshedidnotlookfive-and-twentyalladmiredherexcessively。
　　InthisdressshewalkedaPolonaisewithMajorDobbinataCourtball，inwhicheasydanceMr。JoshadthehonourofleadingouttheCountessofSchlusselback，anoldladywithahumpback，butwithsixteengoodquartersofnobilityandrelatedtohalftheroyalhousesofGermany。
　　Pumpernickelstandsinthemidstofahappyvalleythroughwhichsparkles——tominglewiththeRhinesomewhere，butIhavenotthemapathandtosayexactlyatwhatpoint——thefertilizingstreamofthePump。Insomeplacestheriverisbigenoughtosupportaferry-boat，inotherstoturnamill；inPumpernickelitself，thelastTransparencybutthree，thegreatandrenownedVictorAureliusXIVbuiltamagnificentbridge，onwhichhisownstatuerises，surroundedbywater-nymphsandemblemsofvictory，peace，andplenty；hehashisfootontheneckofaprostrateTurk——historysaysheengagedandranaJanissarythroughthebodyatthereliefofViennabySobieski——but，quiteundisturbedbytheagoniesofthatprostrateMahometan，whowrithesathisfeetinthemostghastlymanner，thePrincesmilesblandlyandpointswithhistruncheoninthedirectionoftheAureliusPlatz，wherehebegantoerectanewpalacethatwouldhavebeenthewonderofhisagehadthegreat-souledPrincebuthadfundstocompleteit。ButthecompletionofMonplaisirMonblaisirthehonestGermanfolkscallitwasstoppedforlackofreadymoney，anditanditsparkandgardenarenowinratherafadedcondition，andnotmorethantentimesbigenoughtoaccommodatetheCourtofthereigningSovereign。
　　ThegardenswerearrangedtoemulatethoseofVersailles，andamidsttheterracesandgrovestherearesomehugeallegoricalwaterworksstill，whichspoutandfrothstupendouslyuponfete-days，andfrightenonewiththeirenormousaquaticinsurrections。ThereistheTrophonius’caveinwhich，bysomeartifice，theleadenTritonsaremadenotonlytospoutwater，buttoplaythemostdreadfulgroansoutoftheirleadconchs——thereisthenymphbathandtheNiagaracataract，whichthepeopleoftheneighbourhoodadmirebeyondexpression，whentheycometotheyearlyfairattheopeningoftheChamber，ortothefeteswithwhichthehappylittlenationstillcelebratesthebirthdaysandmarriage-daysofitsprincelygovernors。
　　ThenfromallthetownsoftheDuchy，whichstretchesfornearlytenmile——fromBolkum，whichliesonitswesternfrontierbiddingdefiancetoPrussia，fromGrogwitz，wherethePrincehasahunting-lodge，andwherehisdominionsareseparatedbythePumpRiverfromthoseoftheneighbouringPrinceofPotzenthal；fromallthelittlevillages，whichbesidesthesethreegreatcities，dotoverthehappyprincipality——fromthefarmsandthemillsalongthePumpcometroopsofpeopleinredpetticoatsandvelvethead-dresses，orwiththree-
　　corneredhatsandpipesintheirmouths，whoflocktotheResidenzandshareinthepleasuresofthefairandthefestivitiesthere。Thenthetheatreisopenfornothing，thenthewatersofMonblaisirbegintoplayitisluckythatthereiscompanytobeholdthem，foronewouldbeafraidtoseethemalone——thentherecomemountebanksandridingtroopsthewayinwhichhisTransparencywasfascinatedbyoneofthehorse-ridersiswellknown，anditisbelievedthatLaPetiteVivandiere，asshewascalled，wasaspyintheFrenchinterest，andthedelightedpeoplearepermittedtomarchthroughroomafterroomoftheGrandDucalpalaceandadmiretheslipperyfloor，therichhangings，andthespittoonsatthedoorsofalltheinnumerablechambers。ThereisonePavilionatMonblaisirwhichAureliusVictorXVhadarranged——agreatPrincebuttoofondofpleasure——andwhichIamtoldisaperfectwonderoflicentiouselegance。
　　ItispaintedwiththestoryofBacchusandAriadne，andthetableworksinandoutoftheroombymeansofawindlass，sothatthecompanywasservedwithoutanyinterventionofdomestics。ButtheplacewasshutupbyBarbara，AureliusXV’swidow，asevereanddevoutPrincessoftheHouseofBolkumandRegentoftheDuchyduringherson’sgloriousminority，andafterthedeathofherhusband，cutoffintheprideofhispleasures。
　　ThetheatreofPumpernickelisknownandfamousinthatquarterofGermany。ItlanguishedalittlewhenthepresentDukeinhisyouthinsisteduponhavinghisownoperasplayedthere，anditissaidoneday，inafury，fromhisplaceintheorchestra，whenheattendedarehearsal，brokeabassoonontheheadoftheChapelMaster，whowasconducting，andledtooslow；andduringwhichtimetheDuchessSophiawrotedomesticcomedies，whichmusthavebeenverydrearytowitness。ButthePrinceexecuteshismusicinprivatenow，andtheDuchessonlygivesawayherplaystotheforeignersofdistinctionwhovisitherkindlittleCourt。
　　Itisconductedwithnosmallcomfortandsplendour。
　　Whenthereareballs，thoughtheremaybefourhundredpeopleatsupper，thereisaservantinscarletandlacetoattenduponeveryfour，andeveryoneisservedonsilver。Therearefestivalsandentertainmentsgoingcontinuallyon，andtheDukehashischamberlainsandequerries，andtheDuchesshermistressofthewardrobeandladiesofhonour，justlikeanyotherandmorepotentpotentates。
　　TheConstitutionisorwasamoderatedespotism，temperedbyaChamberthatmightormightnotbeelected。InevercertainlycouldhearofitssittinginmytimeatPumpernickel。ThePrimeMinisterhadlodgingsinasecondfloor，andtheForeignSecretaryoccupiedthecomfortablelodgingsoverZwieback’sConditorey。Thearmyconsistedofamagnificentbandthatalsodiddutyonthestage，whereitwasquitepleasanttoseetheworthyfellowsmarchinginTurkishdresseswithrougeonandwoodenscimitars，orasRomanwarriorswithophicleidesandtrombones——toseethemagain，Isay，atnight，afteronehadlistenedtothemallthemorningintheAureliusPlatz，wheretheyperformedoppositethecafewherewebreakfasted。Besidestheband，therewasarichandnumerousstaffofofficers，and，Ibelieve，afewmen。Besidestheregularsentries，threeorfourmen，habitedashussars，usedtododutyatthePalace，butI
　　neversawthemonhorseback，andaufait，whatwastheuseofcavalryinatimeofprofoundpeace？——andwhitherthedeuceshouldthehussarsride？
　　Everybody——everybodythatwasnobleofcourse，forasforthebourgeoiswecouldnotquitebeexpectedtotakenoticeofTHEM——visitedhisneighbour。H。E。MadamedeBurstreceivedonceaweek，H。E。MadamedeSchnurrbarthadhernight——thetheatrewasopentwiceaweek，theCourtgraciouslyreceivedonce，sothataman’slifemightinfactbeaperfectroundofpleasureintheunpretendingPumpernickelway。
　　Thattherewerefeudsintheplace，noonecandeny。
　　PoliticsranveryhighatPumpernickel，andpartieswereverybitter。TherewastheStrumpfffactionandtheLederlungparty，theonesupportedbyourenvoyandtheotherbytheFrenchCharged’Affaires，M。deMacabau。
　　IndeeditsufficedforourMinistertostandupforMadameStrumpff，whowasclearlythegreatersingerofthetwo，andhadthreemorenotesinhervoicethanMadameLederlungherrival——itsufficed，Isay，forourMinistertoadvanceanyopiniontohaveitinstantlycontradictedbytheFrenchdiplomatist。
　　Everybodyinthetownwasrangedinoneorotherofthesefactions。TheLederlungwasaprettyishlittlecreaturecertainly，andhervoicewhattherewasofitwasverysweet，andthereisnodoubtthattheStrumpffwasnotinherfirstyouthandbeauty，andcertainlytoostout；
　　whenshecameoninthelastsceneoftheSonnambula，forinstance，inhernight-chemisewithalampinherhand，andhadtogooutofthewindow，andpassovertheplankofthemill，itwasallshecoulddotosqueezeoutofthewindow，andtheplankusedtobendandcreakagainunderherweight——buthowshepouredoutthefinaleoftheopera！andwithwhataburstoffeelingsherushedintoElvino’sarms——almostfittosmotherhim！WhereasthelittleLederlung——butatrucetothisgossip——thefactisthatthesetwowomenwerethetwoflagsoftheFrenchandtheEnglishpartyatPumpernickel，andthesocietywasdividedinitsallegiancetothosetwogreatnations。
　　WehadonoursidetheHomeMinister，theMasteroftheHorse，theDuke’sPrivateSecretary，andthePrince’sTutor；whereasoftheFrenchpartyweretheForeignMinister，theCommander-in-Chief’sLady，whohadservedunderNapoleon，andtheHof-Marschallandhiswife，whowasgladenoughtogetthefashionsfromPans，andalwayshadthemandhercapsbyM。deMacabau’scourier。TheSecretaryofhisChancerywaslittleGrignac，ayoungfellow，asmaliciousasSatan，andwhomadecaricaturesofTapeworminallthe-albumsoftheplace。
　　Theirheadquartersandtabled’hotewereestablishedatthePariserHof，theotherinnofthetown；andthough，ofcourse，thesegentlemenwereobligedtobecivilinpublic，yettheycutateachotherwithepigramsthatwereassharpasrazors，asIhaveseenacoupleofwrestlersinDevonshire，lashingateachother’sshinsandnevershowingtheiragonyuponamuscleoftheirfaces。NeitherTapewormnorMacabaueversenthomeadispatchtohisgovernmentwithoutamostsavageseriesofattacksuponhisrival。Forinstance，onoursidewewouldwrite，“TheinterestsofGreatBritaininthisplace，andthroughoutthewholeofGermany，areperilledbythecontinuanceinofficeofthepresentFrenchenvoy；
　　thismanisofacharactersoinfamousthathewillstickatnofalsehood，orhesitateatnocrime，toattainhisends。HepoisonsthemindoftheCourtagainsttheEnglishminister，representstheconductofGreatBritaininthemostodiousandatrociouslight，andisunhappilybackedbyaministerwhoseignoranceandnecessitiesareasnotoriousashisinfluenceisfatal。”Ontheirsidetheywould。say，“M。deTapewormcontinueshissystemofstupidinsulararroganceandvulgarfalsehoodagainstthegreatestnationintheworld。YesterdayhewasheardtospeaklightlyofHerRoyalHighnessMadametheDuchessofBerri；onaformeroccasionheinsultedtheheroicDukeofAngoulemeanddaredtoinsinuatethatH。R。H。theDukeofOrleanswasconspiringagainsttheaugustthroneofthelilies。Hisgoldisprodigatedineverydirectionwhichhisstupidmenacesfailtofrighten。
　　Byoneandtheother，hehaswonovercreaturesoftheCourthere——and，infine，Pumpernickelwillnotbequiet，Germanytranquil，Francerespected，orEuropecontentuntilthispoisonousviperbecrushedunderheel“：andsoon。Whenonesideortheotherhadwrittenanyparticularlyspicydispatch，newsofitwassuretoslipout。