Remotelyinmymindoccurredthethoughtthathehadlocatedhisheart，andthe"peculiardeadlypain"hehadmentionedseemedominous。I
suggested，however，thatitwasprobablysomerheumatictouch，andthisopinionseemedwarrantedwhen，afewmomentslater，thehotwaterhadagainrelievedit。Thistimethepainhadapparentlygonetostay，foritdidnotreturnwhilewewereinBaltimore。Itwasthefirstpositivemanifestationoftheanginawhicheventuallywouldtakehimfromus。
TheweatherwaspleasantinBaltimore，andhisvisittoSt。Timothy’sSchoolandhisaddresstherewerethekindofdiversionsthatmeantmosttohim。Theflockofgirls，allintheirprettycommencementdresses，assembledandrejoicingathisplayfullygivenadvice：nottosmoke——toexcess；nottodrink——toexcess；nottomarry——toexcess；hestandingthereinagarbaswhiteastheirown——itmadeararepicture——asweetmemory——anditwasthelasttimeheevergaveadvicefromtheplatformtoanyone。
EdwardS。Martinalsospoketotheschool，andthentherewasagreatfeastinginthebigassembly—hall。
ItwasonthelawnthatareporterapproachedhimwiththenewsofthedeathofEdwardEverettHale——anotheroftheoldgroup。Clemenssaidthoughtfully，afteramoment：
"IhadthegreatestrespectandesteemforEdwardEverettHale，thegreatestadmirationforhiswork。IamasgrievedtohearofhisdeathasIcaneverbetohearofthedeathofanyfriend，thoughmygriefisalwaystemperedwiththesatisfactionofknowingthatfortheonethatgoes，thehard，bitterstruggleoflifeisended。"
WewereleavingtheBelvederenextmorning，andwhenthesubjectofbreakfastcameupfordiscussionhesaid：
"ThatwasthemostdeliciousBaltimorefriedchickenwehadyesterdaymorning。Ithinkwe’lljustrepeatthatorder。ItremindsmeofJohnQuarles’sfarm。"
Wehadbeenhavingourmealsservedintherooms，butwehadbreakfastthatmorningdowninthediningroom，and"Francesca"andhermotherwerethere。
Ashestoodontherailwayplatformwaitingforthetrain，hetoldmehowonce，fifty—fiveyearsbefore，asaboyofeighteen，hehadchangedcarsthereforWashingtonandhadbarelycaughthistrain——thecrowdyellingathimasheran。
WeremainedovernightinNewYork，andthatevening，attheGrosvenor，hereadaloudapoemofhisownwhichIhadnotseenbefore。HehadbroughtitalongwithsomeintentionofreadingitatSt。Timothy’s，hesaid，buthadnotfoundtheoccasionsuitable。
"IwroteitalongtimeagoinParis。I’dbeenreadingaloudtoMrs。
ClemensandSusy——in’93，Ithink——aboutLordCliveandWarrenHastings，fromMacaulay——howgreattheywereandhowfartheyfell。ThenItookanimaginarycase——thatofsomeolddementedmanmumblingofhisformerstate。Idescribedhim，andrepeatedsomeofhismumblings。SusyandMrs。Clemenssaid，’Writeit’——soIdid，byandby，andthisisit。I
callit’TheDerelict。’"
Hereadinhiseffectivemannerthatfinepoem，theopeningstanzaofwhichfollows：
Yousneer，youshipsthatpassmeby，Yoursnow—purecanvastoweringproud！
Youtradersbase！——why，oncesuchfryPaidreverence，whenlikeacloudStorm—sweptIdrovealong，MyAdmiralatpost，hispennonblueFaintinthewildernessofsky，mylongYardsbristlingwithmygallantcrew，Myportsflungwide，mygunsdisplayed，Mytallsparshidinbellyingsail！
——Youstruckyourtopsailsthen，andmadeObeisance——nowyourmannersfail。
Hehademployedrhymewithmorefacilitythanwasusualforhim，andthefigureandphrasingwerefullofvigor。
"Itisstrongandfine，"Isaid，whenhehadfinished。
"Yes，"heassented。"ItseemssoasIreaditnow。ItissolongsinceIhaveseenitthatitislikereadinganotherman’swork。Ishouldcallitgood，Ibelieve。"
Heputthemanuscriptinhisbagandwalkedupanddownthefloortalking。
"Thereisnofigureforthehumanbeingliketheship，"hesaid；"nosuchfigureforthestorm—beatenhumandriftasthederelict——suchmenasCliveandHastingscouldonlybeimaginedasderelictsadrift，helpless，tossedbyeverywindandtide。"
WereturnedtoReddingnextday。Onthetraingoinghomehefelltotalkingofbooksandauthors，mainlyofthethingshehadneverbeenabletoread。
"WhenItakeuponeofJaneAusten’sbooks，"hesaid，"suchasPrideandPrejudice，Ifeellikeabarkeeperenteringthekingdomofheaven。I
know，whathissensationwouldbeandhisprivatecomments。Hewouldnotfindtheplacetohistaste，andhewouldprobablysayso。"
HerecalledagainhowStepniakhadcometoHartford，andhowhumiliatedMrs。ClemenshadbeentoconfessthatherhusbandwasnotfamiliarwiththewritingsofThackerayandothers。
"Idon’tknowanythingaboutanything，"hesaid，mournfully，"andneverdid。MybrotherusedtotrytogetmetoreadDickens，longago。I
couldn’tdoit——Iwasashamed；butIcouldn’tdoit。Yes，IhavereadTheTaleofTwoCities，andcoulddoitagain。Ihavereaditagoodmanytimes；butInevercouldstandMeredithandmostoftheothercelebrities。"
ByandbyhehandedmetheSaturdayTimesReview，saying：
"Hereisafinepoem，agreatpoem，Ithink。Icanstandthat。"
Itwas"ThePalatineinthe’DarkAges’，"byWillaSibertCather，reprintedfromMcClure’s。ThereaderwillunderstandbetterthanIcanexpresswhytheseloftyopeningstanzasappealedtoMarkTwain：
THEPALATINE
"HaveyoubeenwiththeKingtoRome，Brother，bigbrother？"
"I’vebeenthereandI’vecomehome，Backtoyourplay，littlebrother。"
"Oh，howhighisCaesar’shouse，Brother，bigbrother？"
"Goatsaboutthedoorwaysbrowse；
Night—hawksnestintheburntroof—tree，Homeofthewildbirdandhomeofthebee。
AthousandchambersofmarblelieWidetothesunandthewindandthesky。
PoppieswefindamongstourwheatGrowonCaesar’sbanquetseat。
CattlecropandneatherdsdrowseOnthefloorsofCaesar’shouse。"
"ButwhathasbecomeofCaesar’sgold，Brother，bigbrother？"
"Thetimesarebadandtheworldisold——
WhoknowsthewhereoftheCaesar’sgold？
NightcomesblackontheCaesar’shill；
Thewellsaredeepandthetalesareill。
Firefliesgleaminthedampandmold，AllthatisleftoftheCaesar’sgold。
Backtoyourplay，littlebrother。"
Fartheralonginourjourneyhehandedmethepaperagain，pointingtotheselinesofKipling：
HowisitnotgoodfortheChristian’shealthTohurrytheAryanbrown，FortheChristianrilesandtheAryansmiles，AndheweareththeChristiandown；
AndtheendofthefightisatombstonewhiteAndthenameofthelatedeceased：
Andtheepitaphdrear："AfoollieshereWhotriedtohustletheEast。"
"Icouldstandanyamountofthat，"hesaid，andpresently："Lifeistoolongandtooshort。Toolongforthewearinessofit；tooshortfortheworktobedone。Attheverymost，theaveragemindcanonlymasterafewlanguagesandalittlehistory。"
Isaid："Still，weneednotworry。Ifdeathendsallitdoesnotmatter；
andiflifeiseternaltherewillbetimeenough。"
"Yes，"heassented，rathergrimly，"thatoptimismofyoursisalwaysreadytoturnhell’sbackyardintoaplayground。"
Isaidthat，oldasIwas，IhadtakenupthestudyofFrench，andmentionedBayardTaylor’shavingbegunGreekatfifty，expectingtoneeditinheaven。
Clemenssaid，reflectively："Yes——butyouseethatwasGreek。"
CCLXXXI
THELASTSUMMERATSTORMFIELD
IwasatStormfieldprettyconstantlyduringtherestofthatyear。AtfirstIwentuponlyfortheday；butlater，whenhishealthdidnotimprove，andwhenheexpressedawishforcompanionshipevenings，I
remainedmostofthenightsaswell。Ourroomswereseparatedonlybyabath—room；andasneitherofuswasmuchgiventosleep，therewaslikelytobetalkorreadingaloudatalmostanyhourwhenbothwereawake。IntheveryearlymorningIwouldusuallyslipin，softly，sometimestofindhimproppedupagainsthispillowssoundasleep，hisglasseson，thereading—lampblazingawayasitusuallydid，dayornight；butasoftenasnothewasawake，andwouldhavesomenewplanorideaofwhichhewaseagertobedelivered，andtherewasalwaysinterest，andnearlyalwaysamusementinit，evenifithappenedtobethreeinthemorningorearlier。
Sometimes，whenhethoughtittimeformetobestirring，hewouldcallsoftly，butloudlyenoughformetohearifawake；andIwouldgoin，andwewouldsettleagainproblemsoflifeanddeathandscience，or，rather，hewouldsettlethemwhileIdroppedinaremarkhereandthere，merelytoholdthematteralittlelongerinsolution。
Thepainsinhisbreastcameback，andwithagooddealoffrequencyasthesummeradvanced；also，theybecamemoresevere。Dr。EdwardQuintardcameupfromNewYork，anddidnothesitatetosaythatthetroubleproceededchieflyfromtheheart，andcounseleddiminishedsmoking，withlessactiveexercise，advisingparticularlyagainstClemens’slifetimehabitoflightlyskippingupanddownstairs。
Therewasnoprohibitionastobilliards，however，orleisurelywalking，andweplayedprettysteadilythroughthosepeacefulsummerdays，andoftentookawalkdownintothemeadowsorperhapsintheotherdirection，whenitwasnottoowarmorwindy。Oncewewentasfarastheriver，andIshowedhimapartofhislandhehadnotseenbefore——abeautifulcedarhillside，remoteandsecluded，aplaceofenchantment。
OnthewayIpointedoutalittlecorneroflandwhichearlierhehadgivenmetostraightenourdivisionline。ItoldhimIwasgoingtobuildastudyonit，andcallit"Markland。"Hethoughtitanadmirablebuilding—site，andIthinkhewaspleasedwiththename。Laterhesaid：
"Ifyouhadaplaceforthatextrabilliard—tableofmine[theRogerstable，whichhadbeenleftinNewYork]Iwouldturnitovertoyou。"
IrepliedthatIcouldadaptthesizeofmyproposedstudytofitabilliard—table，andhesaid：
"Nowthatwillbeverygood。Then，whenIwantexercise，Icanwalkdownandplaybilliardswithyou，andwhenyouwantexerciseyoucanwalkupandplaybilliardswithme。Youmustbuildthatstudy。"
Soitwasweplanned，andbyandbyMr。Lounsburyhadundertakenthework。
DuringthewalksClemensrestedagooddeal。ThereweretheNewEnglandhillstoclimb，andthenhefoundthathetiredeasily，andthatwearinesssometimesbroughtonthepain。AsIremembernow，Ithinkhowbravelyheboreit。Itmusthavebeenadeadly，sickening，numbingpain，forIhaveseenitcrumplehim，andhisfacebecomecolorlesswhilehishanddugathisbreast；buthenevercomplained，heneverbewailed，andatbilliardshewouldpersistingoingonandplayinginhisturn，evenwhilehewasbowedwiththeanguishoftheattack。
Wehadfoundthataglassofveryhotwaterrelievedit，andwekeptalwaysathermosbottleortwofilledandready。AtthefirsthintfromhimIwouldpouroutaglassandanother，andsometimesthereliefcamequickly；butthereweretimes，andalas！theycameoftener，whenthatdeadlygrippingdidnotsoonreleasehim。Yettherewouldcomeaweekorafortnightwhenhewasapparentlyperfectlywell，andatsuchtimeswedismissedthethoughtofanyheartmalady，andattributedthewholetroubletoacuteindigestion，fromwhichhehadalwayssufferedmoreorless。
Wewerealonetogethermostofthetime。Hedidnotappeartocareforcompanythatsummer。ClaraClemenshadaconcerttourinprospect，andherfather，eagerforhersuccess，encouragedhertodevotealargepartofhertimetostudy。ForJean，whowasinlovewitheveryformofoutdoorandanimallife，hehadestablishedheadquartersinavacantfarm—houseononecorneroftheestate，whereshehadcollectedsomestockandpoultry，andwasover—flowinglyhappy。OssipGabrilowitschwasaguestinthehouseagoodportionofthesummer，buthadbeeninvalidedthroughseveresurgicaloperations，andforalongtimerarelyappeared，evenatmeal—times。SoitcameaboutthattherecouldhardlyhavebeenacloserdailycompanionshipthanwasoursduringthisthelastyearofMarkTwain’slife。Forme，ofcourse，nothingcaneverbelikeitagaininthisworld。Oneisnotlikelytoassociatetwicewithabeingfromanotherstar。
CCLXXXII
PERSONALMEMORANDA
InthenotesImadeofthisperiodIcaughtalittledriftofpersonalityandutterance，andIdonotknowbetterhowtopreservethesethingsthantogivethemhereasnearlyasmaybeinthesequenceandintheforthinwhichtheyweresetdown。
OneofthefirstoftheseentriesoccursinJune，whenClemenswasrereadingwithgreatinterestandrelishAndrewD。White’sScienceandTheology，whichhecalledalovelybook。——[’AHistoryoftheWarfareofSciencewithTheologyinChristendom’。]
June21。Apeacefulafternoon，andwewalkedfartherthanusual，restingatlastintheshadeofatreeinthelanethatleadstoJean’sfarm—house。Ipickedadandelion—ball，withsomeremarkaboutitsbeingoneoftheevidencesoftheintelligentprincipleinnature——theseedswingedforawiderdistribution。
"Yes，"hesaid，"thosearethegreatevidences；noonewhoreasonscandoubtthem。"
Andpresentlyheadded：
"ThatisamostamusingbookofWhite’s。Whenyoureadityouseehowthoseoldtheologiansneverreasonedatall。WhitetellsofanoldbishopwhofiguredoutthatGodcreatedtheworldinaninstantonacertaindayinOctoberexactlysomanyyearsbeforeChrist，andprovedit。AndIknewapreachermyselfoncewhodeclaredthatthefossilsintherocksprovednothingastotheageoftheworld。HesaidthatGodcouldcreatetherockswiththosefossilsinthemforornamentsifHewantedto。Why，ittakestwentyyearstobuildalittleislandintheMississippiRiver，andthatmanactuallybelievedthatGodcreatedthewholeworldandallthat’sinitinsixdays。Whitetellsofanotherbishopwhogavetwonewreasonsforthunder；onebeingthatGodwantedtoshowtheworldHispower，andanotherthatHewishedtofrightensinnerstorepent。Nowconsidertheproportionsofthatconception，eveninthepettiestwayyoucanthinkofit。ConsidertheideaofGodthinkingofallthat。ConsiderthePresidentoftheUnitedStateswantingtoimpressthefliesandfleasandmosquitoes，gettinguponthedomeoftheCapitolandbeatingabass—drumandsettingoffredfire。"
Hefollowedthethemealittlefurther，thenwemadeourwayslowlybackupthelonghill，heholdingtomyarm，andrestinghereandthere，butarrivingatthehouseseeminglyfreshandreadyforbilliards。
June23。Icameupthismorningwithabasketofstrawberries。Hewaswalkingupanddown，lookinglikeanancientRoman。Hesaid：
"ConsiderthecaseofElsieSigel——[GranddaughterofGen。FranzSigel。ShewasmysteriouslymurderedwhileengagedinsettlementworkamongtheChinese。]——whataghastlyendingtoanylife！"
Thenturninguponmefiercely，hecontinued：
"Anybodythatknowsanythingknowsthattherewasnotasinglelifethatwaseverlivedthatwasworthliving。Notasinglechildeverbegottenthatthebegettingofitwasnotacrime。Supposeacommunityofpeopletobelivingontheslopeofavolcano，directlyunderthecraterandinthepathoflava—flow；thatvolcanohasbeenbreakingoutrightalongforagesandiscertaintobreakoutagain。
Theydonotknowwhenitwillbreakout，buttheyknowitwilldoit——thatmuchcanbecountedon。Supposethosepeoplegotoacommunityinafarneighborhoodandsay，’We’dliketochangeplaceswithyou。Cometakeourhomesandletushaveyours。’Thosepeoplewouldsay，’Nevermind，wearenotinterestedinyourcountry。Weknowwhathashappenedthere，andwhatwillhappenagain。’Wedon’tcaretoliveundertheblowthatislikelytofallatanymoment；
andyeteverytimewebringachildintotheworldwearebringingittoacountry，toacommunitygatheredunderthecraterofavolcano，knowingthatsoonerorlaterdeathwillcome，andthatbeforedeaththerewillbecatastrophesinfinitelyworse。Formerlyitwasmuchworsethannow，forbeforetheministersabolishedhellamanknew，whenhewasbegettingachild，thathewasbegettingasoulthathadonlyonechanceinahundredofescapingtheeternalfiresofdamnation。Heknewthatinallprobabilitythatchildwouldbebroughttodamnation——oneoftheninety—nineblacksheep。
Butsincehellhasbeenabolisheddeathhasbecomemorewelcome。
Iwroteafairystoryonce。Itwaspublishedsomewhere。Idon’trememberjustwhatitwasnow，butthesubstanceofitwasthatafairygaveamanthecustomarywishes。Iwasinterestedinseeingwhathewouldtake。Firsthechosewealthandwentawaywithit，butitdidnotbringhimhappiness。Thenhecamebackforthesecondselection，andchosefame，andthatdidnotbringhappinesseither。Finallyhewenttothefairyandchosedeath，andthefairysaid，insubstance，’Ifyouhadn’tbeenafoolyou’dhavechosenthatinthefirstplace。’
"Thepaperscalledmeapessimistforwritingthatstory。
Pessimist——themanwhoisn’tapessimistisad———dfool。"
Butthiswasoneofhissavagehumors，stirredbytragiccircumstance。
UnderdateofJuly5thIfindthishappierentry：
Wehaveinventedanewgame，three—ballcarombilliards，eachplayercontinuinguntilhehasmadefive，countingthenumberofhisshotsasingolf，theonewhofinishesinthefewershotswins。Itisagameweplaywithalmostexactlyequalskill，andheishighlypleasedwithit。Hesaidthisafternoon：
"IhaveneverenjoyedbilliardsasIdonow。Ilookforwardtoiteveryafternoonasmyrewardattheendofagoodday’swork。"——[HisworkatthistimewasanarticleonMarjorieFleming，the"wonderchild，"whosequaintwritingsandbrieflittlelifehadbeenpublishedtotheworldbyDr。JohnBrown。ClemensalwaysadoredthethoughtofMarjorie，andinthisarticleonecanseethatsherankedalmostnexttoJoanofArcinhisaffections。]
WewentoutintheloggiabyandbyandClemensreadaloudfromabookwhichProfessorZubelinlefthereafewdaysago——’TheReligionofaDemocrat’。SomethinginitmusthavesuggestedtoClemenshisfavoritescience，forpresentlyhesaid：
"Ihavebeenreadinganoldastronomy；itspeaksoftheperfectlineofcurvatureoftheearthinspiteofmountainsandabysses，andI
haveimaginedamanthreehundredthousandmileshighpickingupaballliketheearthandlookingatitandholdingitinhishand。
Itwouldbeaboutlikeabilliard—balltohim，andhewouldturnitoverinhishandandrubitwithhisthumb，andwhereherubbedoverthemountainrangeshemightsay，’Thereseemstobesomeslightroughnesshere，butIcan’tdetectitwithmyeye；itseemsperfectlysmoothtolookat。’TheHimalayastohim，thehighestpeak，wouldbeone—sixty—thousandthofhisheight，orabouttheone—
thousandthpartofaninchascomparedwiththeaverageman。"
Ispokeofhavingsomewherereadofsomeverytinysatellites，oneassmall，perhaps，assixmilesindiameter，yetagenuineworld。
"Couldamanliveonaworldsosmallasthat？"Iasked。
"Ohyes，"hesaid。"Thegravitationthatholdsittogetherwouldholdhimon，andhewouldalwaysseemupright，thesameashere。
Hishorizonwouldbesmaller，butevenifheweresixfeettallhewouldonlyhaveonefootforeachmileofthatworld’sdiameter，soyouseehewouldbelittleenough，evenforaworldthathecouldwalkaroundinhalfaday。"
Hetalkedastronomyagreatdeal——marvelastronomy。Hehadnorealknowledgeofthesubject，andIhadnoneofanykind，whichmadeitsungraspablefactsallthemorethrilling。Hewasalwaysthrownintoasortofecstasybytheunthinkabledistancesofspace——thesupremedramaoftheuniverse。ThefactthatAlphaCentauriwastwenty—fivetrillionsofmilesaway——twohundredandfiftythousandtimesthedistanceofourownremotesun，andthatoursolarsystemwastraveling，asawhole，towardthebrightstarVega，intheconstellationofLyra，attherateofforty—fourmilesasecond，yetwouldbethousandsuponthousandsofyearsreachingitsdestination，fairlyenrapturedhim。
Theastronomicallight—year——thatistosay，thedistancewhichlighttravelsinayear——wasoneofthethingswhichhelovedtocontemplate；
buthedeclaredthatnotwoauthoritieseverfigureditalike，andthathewasgoingtofigureitforhimself。Icameinonemorning，tofindthathehadcoveredseveralsheetsofpaperwithalmostinterminablerowsofciphers，andwitharesult，tohimatleast，entirelysatisfactory。
Iamquitecertainthathewasprouderofthosefiguresandtheirenormousaggregatethanifhehadjustcompletedanimmortaltale；andwhenheaddedthatthenearestfixedstar——AlphaCentauri——wasbetweenfourandfivelight—yearsdistantfromtheearth，andthattherewasnopossiblewaytothinkthatdistanceinmilesorevenanycalculablefractionofit，hisglassesshoneandhishairwasroachedupaswiththestimulationofthesestupendousfacts。
Byandbyhesaid：
"IcameinwithHalley’scometin1835。Itiscomingagainnextyear，andIexpecttogooutwithit。ItwillbethegreatestdisappointmentofmylifeifIdon’tgooutwithHalley’scomet。TheAlmightyhassaid，nodoubt：’Nowherearethesetwounaccountablefreaks；theycameintogether，theymustgoouttogether。’Oh！Iamlookingforwardtothat。"Andalittlelaterheadded：
"I’vegotsomekindofaheartdisease，andQuintardwon’ttellmewhetheritisthekindthatcarriesamanoffinaninstantorkeepshimlingeringalongandsufferingfortwentyyearsorso。IwasinhopesthatQuintardwouldtellmethatIwaslikelytodropdeadanyminute；
buthedidn’t。Heonlytoldmethatmyblood—pressurewastoostrong。
Hedidn’tgivemeanyschedule；butIexpecttogowithHalley’scomet。"
Iseemtohaveomittedmakinganyentriesforafewdays；butamonghisnotesIfindthisentry，whichseemstorefertosomediscussionofafavoritephilosophy，andhasaspecialinterestofitsown：
July14，1909。Yesterday’sdisputeresumed，Istillmaintainingthat，whereaswecanthink，wegenerallydon’tdoit。Don’tdoit，&don’thavetodoit：weareautomaticmachineswhichactunconsciously。Frommorningtillsleeping—time，alldaylong。Alldaylongourmachineryisdoingthingsfromhabit&instinct，&
withoutrequiringanyhelporattentionfromourpoorlittle7—by—9
thinkingapparatus。Thisremindedmeofsomething：thirtyyearsago，inHartford，thebilliard—roomwasmystudy，&Iwrotemyletterstherethefirstthingeverymorning。Mytablelaytwopointsoffthestarboardbowofthebilliard—table，&thedoorofexitandentranceborenortheast&—by—east—half—eastfromthatposition，consequentlyyoucouldseethedooracrossthelengthofthebilliard—table，butyoucouldn’tseethefloorbythesaidtable。IfoundIwasalwaysforgettingtoaskintruderstocarrymylettersdown—stairsforthemail，soIconcludedtolaythemonthefloorbythedoor；thentheintruderwouldhavetowalkoverthem，&
thatwouldindicatetohimwhattheyweretherefor。Didit？No，itdidn’t。Hewasamachine，&hadhabits。Habitstakeprecedenceofthought。
Nowconsiderthis：astamped&addressedletterlyingonthefloor——
lyingaggressively&conspicuouslyonthefloor——isanunusualspectacle；sounusualaspectaclethatyouwouldthinkanintrudercouldn’tseeittherewithoutimmediatelydiviningthatitwasnottherebyaccident，buthadbeendeliberatelyplacedthere&foradefinitepurpose。Verywell——itmaysurpriseyoutolearnthatthatmostsimple&mostnatural&obviousthoughtwouldneveroccurtoanyintruderonthisplanet，whetherhebefool，half—fool，orthemostbrilliantofthinkers。Forheisalwaysanautomaticmachine&
hashabits，&hishabitswillactbeforehisthinkingapparatuscangetachancetoexertitspowers。Myschemefailedbecauseeveryhumanbeinghasthehabitofpickingupanyapparentlymisplacedthing&placingitwhereitwon’tbesteppedon。
MyfirstintruderwasGeorge。Hewentandcamewithoutsayinganything。PresentlyIfoundthelettersneatlypileduponthebilliard—table。Iwasastonished。Iputthemontheflooragain。
Thenextintruderpiledthemonthebilliard—tablewithoutaword。
Iwasprofoundlymoved，profoundlyinterested。SoIsetthetrapagain。Alsoagain，&again，&yetagain——alldaylong。Icaughteverymemberofthefamily，&everyservant；alsoIcaughtthethreefinestintellectsinthetown。Ineveryinstanceold，time—wornautomatichabitgotinitsworksopromptlythatthethinkingapparatusnevergotachance。
Idonotrememberthisparticulardiscussion，butIdodistinctlyrecallbeingoneofthosewhoseintelligencewasnotsufficienttopreventmypickinguptheletterhehadthrownonthefloorinfrontofhisbed，andbeingproperlyclassifiedfordoingit。
Clemensnolongerkeptnote—books，asinanearliertime，butsetdowninnumerablememoranda—comments，strayreminders，andthelike——onsmallpads，andbunchesofthesetinysheetsaccumulatedonhistableandabouthisroom。Igatheredupmanyofthemthenandafterward，andafewofthesecharacteristicbitsmaybeofferedhere。
KNEE
Itisatourmother’skneethatweacquireournoblest&truest&highestideals，butthereisseldomanymoneyinthem。
JEHOVAH
Heisall—good。Hemademanforhellorhellforman，oneortheother——
takeyourchoice。Hemadeithardtogetintoheavenandeasytogetintohell。Hecommendedmantomultiply&replenish—what？Hell。
MODESTYANTEDATESCLOTHES
&willberesumedwhenclothesarenomore。
[Thelatterpartofthisaphorismiserasedandunderneathitheadds：]
MODESTYDIED
whenclotheswereborn。
MODESTYDIED
whenfalsemodestywasborn。
HISTORY
Ahistorianwhowouldconveythetruthhasgottolie。Oftenhemustenlargethetruthbydiameters，otherwisehisreaderwouldnotbeabletoseeit。
MORALS
arenottheimportantthing——norenlightenment——norcivilization。Amancandoabsolutelywellwithoutthem，buthecan’tdowithoutsomethingtoeat。Thesupremestthingistheneedsofthebody，notofthemind&
spirit。
SUGGESTION
Thereisconscioussuggestion&thereisunconscioussuggestion——bothcomefromoutside——whenceallideascome。
DUELS
IthinkIcouldwipeoutadishonorbycripplingtheotherman，butI
don’tseehowIcoulddoitbylettinghimcrippleme。
IhavenofeelingofanimositytowardpeoplewhodonotbelieveasIdo；
Imerelydonotrespect’em。Insomeseriousmattersrelig。Iwouldhavethemburnt。
Iamoldnowandoncewasasinner。Ioftenthinkofitwithakindofsoftregret。Itrustmydaysarenumbered。Iwouldnothavethatdetailoverlooked。
Shewasalwaysagirl，shewasalwaysyoungbecauseherheartwasyoung；
&Iwasyoungbecauseshelivedinmyheart&preserveditsyouthfromdecay。
Heoftenbusiedhimselfworkingoutmoreextensivelysomeoftheideasthatcametohim——moralideas，hecalledthem。Onefancywhichhefollowedinseveralformssomeofthemnotwithintheprivilegeofprintwasthatofaninquisitivelittlegirl，Bessie，whopursueshermotherwithdifficultquestionings。——[UnderAppendixw，attheendofthisvolume，thereaderwillfindoneofthe"Bessie"dialogues。]——Hereadthesealoudashefinishedthem，anditiscertainthattheylackedneitherlogicnorhumor。
Sometimeshewenttoabigdrawerinhisdresser，wherehekepthisfinishedmanuscripts，andtookthemoutandlookedoverthem，andreadpartsofthemaloud，andtalkedoftheplanshehadhadforthem，andhowoneideaafteranotherhadbeenfollowedforatimeandhadfailedtosatisfyhimintheend。
Twofictionschemesthathadalwayspossessedhimhehadbeenunabletobringtoanyconclusion。Bothofthesehavebeenmentionedinformerchapters；onebeingthenotionofalongperiodofdream—existenceduringabriefmomentofsleep，andtheotherbeingthestoryofamysteriousvisitantfromanotherrealm。Hehadexperimentedwitheachoftheseideasinnolessthanthreeforms，andtherewasfinewritinganddramaticnarrativeinall；buthisliteraryarchitecturehadsomehowfallenshortofhisconception。"TheMysteriousStranger"inoneofitsformsIthoughtmightbesatisfactorilyconcluded，andheadmittedthathecouldprobablyenditwithoutmuchlabor。Hediscussedsomethingofhisplans，andlaterIfoundthenotesforitsconclusion。ButIsupposehewasbeyondtheplacewherehecouldtakeupthoseoldthreads，thoughhecontemplated，fondlyenough，thepossibility，andrecalledhowhehadreadatleastoneformofthedreamtaletoHowells，whohadurgedhimtocompleteit。
CCLXXXIII
ASTRONOMYANDDREAMS
August5，1909。ThismorningInoticedonachairacopyofFlaubert’sSalammbowhichIrecentlylenthim。Iaskedifhelikedit。
"No，"hesaid，"Ididn’tlikeanyofit。"
"Butyoureadit？"
"Yes，Ireadeverylineofit。"
"Youadmitteditsliteraryart？"
"Well，it’slikethis：IfIshouldgototheChicagostockyardsandtheyshouldkillabeefandcutitupandthebloodshouldsplashallovereverything，andthentheyshouldtakemetoanotherpenandkillanotherbeefandthebloodshouldsplashovereverythingagain，andsoontopenafterpen，IshouldcareforitaboutasmuchasIdoforthatbook。"
"Butthosewerebloodydays，andyoucareverymuchforthatperiodinhistory。"
"Yes，thatisso。ButwhenIreadTacitusandknowthatIamreadinghistoryIcanacceptitassuchandsupplytheimaginarydetailsandenjoyit，butthisthingissuchacontinuousprocessionofbloodandslaughterandstenchitworriesme。Ithasgreatart——Icanseethat。
Thatsceneofthecrucifiedlionsandthedeathcanonandthetentscenearemarvelous，butIwouldn’treadthatbookagainwithoutasalary。"
August16。HeisreadingSuetonius，whichhealreadyknowsbyheart——sofullofthecrueltiesandlicentiousnessofimperialRome。
ThisafternoonhebegantalkingaboutClaudius。
"TheycalledClaudiusalunatic，"hesaid，"butjustseewhatnicefancieshehad。Hewouldgotothearenabetweentimesandhavecaptivesandwildbeastsbroughtoutandturnedintogetherforhisspecialenjoyment。Sometimeswhentherewerenocaptivesonhandhewouldsay，’Well，nevermind；bringoutacarpenter。’Carpenteringaroundthearenawasn’tapopularjobinthosedays。Hewentvisitingoncetoaprovinceandthoughtitwouldbepleasanttoseehowtheydisposedofcriminalsandcaptivesintheircrude，old—fashionedway，buttherewasnoexecutioneronhand。Nomatter；theEmperorofRomewasinnohurry——hewouldwait。Sohesatdownandstayedthereuntilanexecutionercame。"
Isaid，"Howdoyouaccountforthechangedattitudetowardthesethings？
Wearefilledwithpityto—dayatthethoughtoftortureandsuffering。"
"Ah！butthatisbecausewehavedriftedthatwayandexercisedthequalityofcompassion。Relaxamuscleanditsoonlosesitsvigor；relaxthatqualityandintwogenerations——inonegeneration——weshouldbegloatingoverthespectacleofbloodandtorturejustthesame。Why，I
readsomewherealetterwrittenjustbeforetheLisboncatastrophein1755aboutasceneonthepublicsquareofLisbon：Alotofstakeswiththefagotspiledforburningandhereticschainedforburning。Thesquarewascrowdedwithmenandwomenandchildren，andwhenthosefireswerelighted，andthehereticsbegantoshriekandwrithe，thosemenandwomenandchildrenlaughedsotheywerefairlybesidethemselveswiththeenjoymentofthescene。TheGreeksdon’tseemtohavedonethesethings。
Isupposethatindicatesearlieradvancementincompassion。"
ColonelHarveyandMr。Dunekacameuptospendthenight。Mr。Clemenshadoneofhisseizuresduringtheevening。Theycomeoftenerandlastlonger。Onelastnightcontinuedforanhourandahalf。Isleptthere。
September7。To—daynewsoftheNorthPolediscoveredbyPeary。FivedaysagothesamediscoverywasreportedbyCook。Clemens’scomment：
"It’sthegreatestjokeoftheages。"ButamomentlaterhereferredtothestupendousfactofArcturusbeingfiftythousandtimesasbigasthesun。
September21。Thismorninghetoldme，withgreatglee，thedreamhehadhadjustbeforewakening。Hesaid：
"Iwasinanautomobilegoingslowly，with’alittlegirlbesideme，andsomeuniformedpersonwalkingalongbyus。Isaid，’I’llgetoutandwalk，too’；buttheofficerreplied，’Thisisonlyoneofthesmallestofourfleet。’
"ThenInoticedthattheautomobilehadnofront，andthereweretwocannonsmountedwherethefrontshouldbe。Inoticed，too，thatweweretravelingverylow，almostdownontheground。Presentlywegottothebottomofahillandstartedupanother，andIfoundmyselfwalkingaheadofthe’mobile。Iturnedaroundtolookforthelittlegirl，andinsteadofherIfoundakittencaperingbesideme，andwhenwereachedthetopofthehillwewerelookingoutoveramostbarrenanddesolatewasteofsand—heapswithoutaspeckofvegetationanywhere，andthekittensaid，’Thisviewbeggarsalladmiration。’ThenallatoncewewereinagreatgroupofpeopleandIundertooktorepeattothemthekitten’sremark，butwhenI
triedtodoitthewordsweresotouchingthatIbrokedownandcried，andallthegroupcried，too，overthekitten’smovingremark。"
Thejoywithwhichhetoldthisabsurdsleepfancymadeitsupremelyridiculousandwelaugheduntiltearsreallycame。
Onemorninghesaid："Iwasawakeagooddealinthenight，andItriedtothinkofinterestingthings。Igottoworkingoutgeologicalperiods，tryingtothinkofsomewaytocomprehendthem，andthenastronomicalperiods。Ofcourseit’simpossible，butIthoughtofaplanthatseemedtomeansomethingtome。IrememberedthatNeptuneistwobillioneighthundredmillionmilesaway。That，ofcourse，isincomprehensible，butthenthereisthenearestfixedstarwithitstwenty—fivetrillionmiles—
—twenty—fivetrillion——ornearlyathousandtimesasfar，andthenItookthisbookandcountedthelinesonapageandIfoundthattherewasanaverageofthirty—twolinestothepageandtwohundredandfortypages，andIfiguredoutthat，countingthedistancetoNeptuneasoneline，therewerestillnotenoughlinesinthebookbynearlytwothousandtoreachthenearestfixedstar，andsomehowthatgavemeasortofdimideaofthevastnessofthedistanceandkindofajourneyintospace。"
LaterIfiguredoutanothermethodofcomprehendingalittleofthatgreatdistancebyestimatingtheexistenceofthehumanraceatthirtythousandyearsLordKelvin’sfiguresandtheaveragegenerationtohavebeenthirty—threeyearswithaworldpopulationof1，500，000，000souls。
IassumedthenearestfixedstartobethefirststationinParadiseandthefirstsoultohavestartedthirtythousandyearsago。Travelingattherateofaboutthirtymilesasecond，itwouldjustnowbearrivinginAlphaCentauriwithalltherestofthatburiedmultitudestringingoutbehindatanaveragedistanceoftwentymilesapart。
Fewthingsgavehimmorepleasurethanthecontemplationofsuchfiguresasthese。WemadeoccasionalbusinesstripstoNewYork，andduringoneofthemvisitedtheMuseumofNaturalHistorytolookatthebrontosaurandthemeteoritesandtheastronomicalmodelintheentrancehall。Tohimthesewerethemostfascinatingthingsintheworld。Hecontemplatedthemeteoritesandthebrontosaur，andlosthimselfinstrangeandmarvelousimaginingsconcerningthefarreachesoftimeandspacewhencetheyhadcomedowntous。
MarkTwainlivedcuriouslyapartfromtheactualitiesoflife。Dwellingmainlyamonghisphilosophiesandspeculations，heobservedvaguely，orminutely，whatwentonabouthim；butineithercasethefacttookaplace，notintheactualworld，butinaworldwithinhisconsciousness，orsubconsciousness，aplacewherefactswerelikelytoassumenewandaltogetherdifferentrelationsfromthosetheyhadborneinthephysicaloccurrence。Itnotinfrequentlyhappened，therefore，whenherecountedsomeincident，eventhemostrecent，thathistorytookonfreshandstartlingforms。MorethanonceIhaveknownhimtorelateanoccurrenceofthedaybeforewitharealityofcircumstancethatcarriedabsoluteconviction，whenthedetailsthemselveswerepreciselyreversed。Ifhisattentionwerecalledtothediscrepancy，hisfacewouldtakeonablanklook，asofonesuddenlyarousedfromdreamland，tobefollowedbyanalmostchildishinterestinyourrevelationandreadyacknowledgmentofhismistake。Idonotthinksuchmistakeshumiliatedhim；buttheyoftensurprisedand，Ithink，amusedhim。
Insubstantialanddeceptiveaswasthisinnerworldofhis，tohimitmusthavebeenmuchmorerealthantheworldofflittingphysical。
shapesabouthim。Hewouldfixyoukeenlywithhisattention，butyourealized，atlast，thathewasplacingyouandseeingyounotasapartofthemateriallandscape，butasanitemofhisowninnerworld——aworldinwhichphilosophiesandmoralsstoodupright——averygoodworldindeed，butcertainlyatopsy—turvyworldwhenviewedwiththeeyeofmereliteralscrutiny。Andthiswas，mainly，ofcourse，becausetheroutineoflifedidnotappealtohim。Evenmembersofhishouseholddidnotalwaysstirhisconsciousness。
Heknewtheywerethere；hecouldcallthembyname；herelieduponthem；
buthisknowledgeofthemalwayssuggestedtheknowledgethatMountEverestmighthaveoftheforestsandcavesandbouldersuponitsslopes，useful，perhaps，buthardlynecessarytothegiant’sexistence，andinnoimportantmatterapartofitsgreaterlife。
CCLXXXIV
ALIBRARYCONCERT
InaletterwhichClemenswrotetoMissWallaceatthistime，hetellsofaconcertgivenatStormfieldonSeptember21stforthebenefitofthenewReddingLibrary。Gabrilowitschhadsofarrecoveredthathewasupandaboutandabletoplay。DavidBispham，thegreatbarytone，alwaysgenialandgenerous，agreedtotakepart，andClaraClemens，alreadyaccustomedtopublicsinging，wastojoinintheprogram。ThelettertoMissWallacesuppliestherestofthehistory。
Wehadagrandtimehereyesterday。Concertinaidofthelittlelibrary。
TEAM
Gabrilowitsch，pianist。
DavidBispham，vocalist。
ClaraClemens，ditto。
MarkTwain，introducesofteam。
Detachmentsandsquadsandgroupsandsinglescamefromeverywhere—
Danbury，NewHaven，Norwalk，Redding，ReddingRidge，Ridgefield，andevenfromNewYork：somein60—h。p。motor—cars，someinbuggiesandcarriages，andaswarmoffarmer—young—folkonfootfrommilesaround——525altogether。
Ifwehadn’tstoppedthesaleofticketsadayandahalfbeforetheperformanceweshouldhavebeenswamped。Wejammed160intothelibrarynotquiteallhadseats，wefilledtheloggia，thedining—
room，thehall，clearintothebilliard—room，thestairs，andthebrick—pavedsquareoutsidethedining—roomdoor。
Theartistswerereceivedwithagreatwelcome，anditwokethemup，andItellyoutheyperformedtotheQueen’staste！Theprogramwasanhourandthree—quarterslongandtheencoresaddedahalf—hourtoit。Theenthusiasmofthehousewashair—lifting。Theyallstayedanhouraftertheclosetoshakehandsandcongratulate。
Wehadnodollarseatsexceptinthelibrary，butweaccumulated$372fortheBuildingFund。Wehadteaathalfpastsixforadozen——theHawthornes，JeannetteGilder，andherniece，etc。；andafter8—o’clockdinnerwehadaprivateconcertandaballinthebare—strippedlibraryuntil10；nobodypresentbuttheteamandMr。
andMrs。PaineandJeanandherdog。Andme。Bisphamdid"DannyDeever"andthe"Erlkonig"inhismajestic，greatorgan—tonesandartillery，andGabrilowitschplayedtheaccompanimentsastheywereneverplayedbefore，Idosuppose。
Thereisnotmuchtoaddtothataccount。Clemens，introducingtheperformers，wasthegayfeatureoftheoccasion。HespokeofthegreatreputationofBisphamandGabrilowitsch；thenhesaid：
"Mydaughterisnotasfamousasthesegentlemen，butsheiseversomuchbetter—looking。"
Themusicoftheeveningthatfollowed，withGabrilowitschatthepianoandDavidBisphamtosing，wassomethingnotlikelyevertoberepeated。
Bisphamsangthe"Erlkonig"and"Killiecrankie"andthe"Grenadiers"andseveralothersongs。HespokeofhavingsungWagner’sarrangementofthe"Grenadiers"atthecomposer’shomefollowinghisdeath，andhownoneofthefamilyhadhearditbefore。
Therefolloweddancing，andJeanClemens，fineandhandsome，apparentlyfulloflifeandhealth，danceddownthatgreatliving—roomascare—freeasiftherewasnoshadowuponherlife。Andtheeveningwasdistinguishedinanotherway，forbeforeitendedClaraClemenshadpromisedOssipGabrilowitschtobecomehiswife。
CCLXXXV
AWEDDINGATSTORMFIELD
TheweddingofOssipGabrilowitschandClaraClemenswasnotdelayed。
GabrilowitschhadsignedforaconcerttourinEurope，andunlessthemarriagetookplaceforthwithitmustbepostponedmanymonths。Itfollowed，therefore，fifteendaysaftertheengagement。Theywerebusydays。Clemens，enormouslyexcitedandpleasedovertheprospectofthefirstweddinginhisfamily，personallyattendedtotheselectionofthosewhoweretohaveannouncement—cards，employingastenographertomakethelist。
October6thwasaperfectwedding—day。Itwasoneofthosequiet，lovelyfalldayswhenthewholeworldseemsatpeace。Claude，thebutler，withhisusualskillinsuchmatters，haddecoratedthegreatliving—roomwithgayautumnfoliageandflowers，broughtinmainlyfromthewoodsandfields。Theyblendedperfectlywiththewarmtonesofthewallsandfurnishings，andIdonotremembereverhavingseenamorebeautifulroom。Onlyrelativesandafewofthenearestfriendswereinvitedtotheceremony。TheTwichellscameoveradayahead，forTwichell，whohadassistedinthemarriageritesbetweenSamuelClemensandOliviaLangdon，wastoperformthatceremonyfortheirdaughternow。Afellow—studentofthebrideandgroomwhentheyhadbeenpupilsofLeschetizky，inVienna——
MissEthelNewcomb——wasatthepianoandplayedsoftlytheWeddingMarchfrom"Taunhauser。"JeanClemenswastheonlybridesmaid，andshewasstatelyandclassicallybeautiful，withaprouddignityinheroffice。
JervisLangdon，thebride’scousinandchildhoodplaymate，actedasbestman，andClemens，ofcourse，gavethebrideaway。ByrequestheworehisscarletOxfordgownoverhissnowyflannels，andwassplendidbeyondwords。Idonotwriteoftheappearanceofthebrideandgroom，forbridesandgroomsarealwayshandsomeandalwayshappy，andcertainlythesewerenoexception。Itwasallsosoonover，thefeastingended，andtheprincipalswhirlingawayintothefuture。Ihaveapictureinmymindofthemseatedtogetherintheautomobile，withRichardWatsonGilderstandingonthestepforalastgood—by，andbeforethemawideexpanseofautumnfoliageanddistanthills。IrememberGilder’svoicesaying，whenthecarwasontheturn，andtheywerewavingbacktous：
"Overthehillsandfaraway，Beyondtheutmostpurplerim，Beyondthenight，beyondtheday，Throughalltheworldshefollowedhim。"
Thematteroftheweddinghadbeenkeptfromthenewspapersuntiltheeveofthewedding，whentheAssociatedPresshadbeennotified。A
representativewasthere；butClemenshadcharacteristicallyinterviewedhimselfonthesubject，anditwasonlynecessarytohandthereporteratypewrittencopy。Replyingtothequestionputtohimself，"Areyoupleasedwiththemarriage？"heanswered：
Yes，fullyasmuchasanymarriagecouldpleasemeoranyotherfather。Therearetwoorthreesolemnthingsinlifeandahappymarriageisoneofthem，fortheterrorsoflifearealltocome。
Iamgladofthismarriage，andMrs。Clemenswouldbeglad，forshealwayshadawarmaffectionforGabrilowitsch。
TherewasanotherweddingatStormfieldonthefollowingafternoon——animitationwedding。LittleJoycameupwithme，andwishedshecouldstandinjustthespotwhereshehadseenthebridestand，andsheexpressedawishthatshecouldgetmarriedlikethat。Clemenssaid：
"Franknessisajewel；onlytheyoungcanaffordit。"
Thenhehappenedtorememberaridiculousboy—doll——awhite—hairedcreaturewithredcoatandgreentrousers，asouvenirimitationofhimselffromoneoftheRogerses’Christmastrees。Heknewwhereitwas，andhegotitout。Thenhesaid：
"Now，Joy，wewillhaveanotherwedding。ThisisMr。ColonelWilliams，andyouaretobecomehisweddedwife。
SoJoystoodupverygravelyandClemensperformedtheceremony，andI
gavethebrideaway，andJoytohimbecameMrs。ColonelWilliamsthereafter，andenteredhappilyintohernewestate。
CCLXXXVI
AUTUMNDAYS
Aharvestoflettersfollowedthewedding：ageneralcongratulatoryexpression，mingledwithadmiration，affection，andgood—will。InhisinterviewClemenshadreferredtothepaininhisbreast；andmanybeggedhimtodenythattherewasanythingseriousthematterwithhim，urginghimtotrythisrelieforthat，patheticallyeagerforhiscontinuedlifeandhealth。Theycitedthecomforthehadbroughttoworld—wearyhumanityandhisunfailingstandforhumanjusticeasreasonswhyheshouldlive。Suchletterscouldnotfailtocheerhim。
Aletterofthisperiod，fromJohnBigelow，gavehimapleasureofitsown。ClemenshadwrittenBigelow，aproposofsomeadverseexpressiononthetariff：
Thankyouforanyhardwordyoucansayaboutthetariff。Iguessthegovernmentthatrobsitsownpeopleearnsthefutureitispreparingforitself。
BigelowwasjustthendeclininganinvitationtotheannualdinneroftheChamberofCommerce。Insendinghisregretshesaid：
ThesentimentIwouldproposeifIdaredtobepresentwouldbethewordsofMarkTwain，thestatesman：
"Thegovernmentthatrobsitsownpeopleearnsthefutureitispreparingforitself。"
NowtoClemenshimselfhewrote：
Rochefoucaultneversaidaclevererthing，norDr。Franklinawiserone……Becareful，ortheDemoswillberunningyouforPresidentwhenyouarenotonyourguard。
Yoursmorethanever，JOHNBIGELOW。
Amongthetributesthatcame，wasasermonbytheRev。FredWindowAdams，ofSchenectady，NewYork，withMarkTwainasitssubject。Mr。Adamschoseforhistext，"TakeMarkandbringhimwiththee；forheisprofitablefortheministry，"andheplacedthetwoMarks，St。MarkandMarkTwain，sidebysideasministerstohumanity，andcharacterizedhimas"afearlessknightofrighteousness。"AfewweekslaterMr。AdamshimselfcametoStormfield，and，likeallopen—mindedministersoftheGospel，hefoundthathecouldgetonverywellindeedwithMarkTwain。
Inspiteofthegood—willandthegoodwishesClemens’smaladydidnotimprove。Asthedaysgrewchillierhefoundthathemustremaincloserindoors。Thecoldairseemedtobringonthepains，andtheyweregraduallybecomingmoresevere；then，too，hedidnotfollowthedoctor’sordersinthematterofsmoking，noraltogetherastoexercise。
ToMissWallacehewrote：
Ican’twalk，Ican’tdrive，I’mnotdown—stairsmuch，andIdon’tseecompany，butIdrinkbarrelsofwatertokeepthepainquiet；Iread，andread，andread，andsmoke，andsmoke，andsmokeallthetimeasformerly，andit’sacontentedandcomfortablelife。
Butthiswasnotaltogetheraccurateastodetails。Hedidcomedown—
stairsmanytimesdaily，andhepersistedinbilliardsregardlessoftheparoxysms。Wefound，too，thattheseizureswereinducedbymentalagitation。OnenighthereadaloudtoJeanandmyselfthefirstchapterofanarticle，"TheTurning—PointinMyLife，"whichhewaspreparingforHarper’sBazar。Hehadbegunitwithoneofhisimpossibleburlesquefancies，andhefeltourattitudeofdisappointmentevenbeforeanywordhadbeensaid。Suddenlyherose，andlayinghishandonhisbreastsaid，"Imustliedown，"andstartedtowardthestair。Isupportedhimtohisroomandhurriedlypouredoutthehotwater。Hedrankitanddroppedbackonthebed。
"Don’tspeaktome，"hesaid；"don’tmakemetalk。"
Jeancamein，andwesatthereseveralmomentsinsilence。Ithinkwebothwonderedifthismightnotbetheend；butpresentlyhespokeofhisownaccord，declaringhewasbetter，andreadyforbilliards。
Weplayedforatleastanhourafterward，andheseemednoworsefortheattack。Itisacuriousmalady——thatangina；eventhedoctorsareacquaintedwithitsmanifestations，ratherthanitscause。Clemens’sgeneralhabitsofbodyandmindwereprobablynotsuchastodelayitsprogress；furthermore，therehadbefallenhimthatyearoneofthosemisfortuneswhichhisconfidingnaturepeculiarlyinvited——abetrayaloftrustbythoseinwhomithadbeenboundlesslyplaced——anditseemslikelythattheresultinghumiliationaggravatedhiscomplaint。Thewritingofadetailedhistoryofthisepisodeaffordedhimoccupationandacertainamusement，butprobablydidnotcontributetohishealth。Onedayhesentforhisattorney，Mr。CharlesT。Lark，andmadesomefinalrevisionsinhiswill。——[MarkTwain’sestate，laterappraisedatsomethingmorethan$600，000wasleftinthehandsoftrusteesforhisdaughters。ThetrusteeswereEdwardE。Loomis，JervisLangdon，andZohethS。Freeman。ThedirectionofhisliteraryaffairswaslefttohisdaughterClaraandthewriterofthishistory。
Toseehimyouwouldneverhavesuspectedthathewasill。Hewasingoodflesh，andhismovementwasasairyandhiseyeasbrightandhisfaceasfullofbloomasatanytimeduringtheperiodIhadknownhim；
also，hewasaslight—heartedandfullofideasandplans，andhewasevengentler——havinggrownmellowwithageandretirement，likegoodwine。
Andofcoursehewouldfindamusementinhiscondition。Hesaid：
"Ihavealwayspretendedtobesicktoescapevisitors；now，forthefirsttime，Ihavegotagenuineexcuse。Itmakesmefeelsohonest。"
Andonce，whenJeanreportedacallerinthelivingroom，hesaid：
"Jean，Ican’tseeher。TellherIamlikelytodropdeadanyminuteanditwouldbemostembarrassing。"
Buthedidseeher，foritwasapoet——AngelaMorgan——andhereadherpoem，"God’sMan，"aloudwithgreatfeeling，andlaterhesolditforhertoCollier’sWeekly。
Hestillhadviolentragesnowandthen，rememberingsomeofthemostnotableofhismistakes；andonce，afterdenouncinghimself，ratherinclusively，asanidiot，hesaid：
"IwishtoGodthelightningwouldstrikeme；butI’vewishedthatfiftythousandtimesandnevergotanythingoutofityet。Ihavemissedseveralgoodchances。Mrs。Clemenswasafraidoflightning，andwouldneverletmebaremyheadtothestorm。"
Theelementofhumorwasneverlacking，andtheragesbecamelessviolentandlessfrequent。
IwasatStormfieldsteadilynow，andtherewasaregularroutineofafternoonsessionsofbilliardsorreading，inwhichweweregenerallyalone；forJean，occupiedwithherfarmingandhersecretarylabors，seldomappearedexceptatmeal—times。Occasionallyshejoinedinthebilliardgames；butitwasdifficultlearningandherinterestwasnotgreat。Shewouldhavemadeafineplayer，forshehadanaturaltalentforgames，asshehadforlanguages，andshecouldhavemasteredthescienceofanglesasshehadmasteredtennisandFrenchandGermanandItalian。Shehadnaturallyafineintellect，withmanyofherfather’scharacteristics，andatenderheartthatmadeeverydumbcreatureherfriend。
KatieLeary，whohadbeenJean’snurse，oncetoldhow，asalittlechild，JeanhadnotbeenparticularlyinterestedinapictureoftheLisbonearthquake，wherethepeoplewerebeingswallowedup；butonlookingatthenextpage，whichshowedanumberofanimalsbeingoverwhelmed，shehadsaid：
"Poorthings！"
Katiesaid：
"Why，youdidn’tsaythataboutthepeople！"
ButJeananswered：
"Oh，theycouldspeak。"
Onenightatthedinner—tableherfatherwassayinghowdifficultitmustbeforamanwhohadledabusylifetogiveupthehabitofwork。
"ThatiswhytheRogerseskillthemselves，"hesaid。Theywouldratherkillthemselvesintheoldtreadmillthanstopandtrytokilltime。
Theyhaveforgottenhowtorest。Theyknownothingbuttokeepontilltheydrop。"
ItoldofsomethingIhadreadnotlongbefore。ItwasaboutanagedlionthathadbrokenloosefromhiscageatConeyIsland。Hehadnotofferedtohurtanyone；butafterwanderingaboutalittle，ratheraimlessly，hehadcometoapicket—fence，andamomentlaterbeganpacingupanddowninfrontofit，justthelengthofhiscage。Theyhadcomeandledhimbacktohisprisonwithouttrouble，andhehadrushedeagerlyintoit。InoticedthatJeanwaslisteninganxiously，andwhenI
finishedshesaid：
"Isthatatruestory？"
Shehadforgottenaltogetherthepointinillustration。Shewasconcernedonlywiththepooroldbeastthathadfoundnojoyinhisliberty。
AmongthelettersthatClemenswrotejustthenwasonetoMissWallace，inwhichhedescribedthegloryofthefallcolorsasseenfromhiswindows。
Theautumnsplendorspassedyouby？Whatapity！Iwishyouhadbeenhere。Itwasbeyondwords！Itwasheaven&hell&sunset&
rainbows&theauroraallfusedintoonedivineharmony，&youcouldn’tlookatitandkeepthetearsback。
Suchasingingtogether，&suchawhisperingtogether，&suchasnugglingtogetherofcozy，softcolors，&suchkissing&caressing，&suchprettyblushingwhenthesunbreaksout&catchesthosedaintyweedsatit——yourememberthatweed—gardenofmine？——&then——
thenthefarhillssleepinginadimbluetrance——oh，hearingaboutitisnothing，youshouldbeheretoseeit！
Inthesameletterhereferstosomeworkthathewaswritingforhisownsatisfaction——’LettersfromtheEarth’；saidletterssupposedtohavebeenwrittenbyanimmortalvisitantandaddressedtootherimmortalsinsomeremotesphere。
I’llreadpassagestoyou。Thisbookwillneverbepublished—infactitcouldn’tbe，becauseitwouldbefelony……Paineenjoysit，butPaineisgoingtobedamnedoneofthesedays，I
suppose。
Iverywellrememberhiswritingthose’LettersfromtheEarth’。Hereadthemtomefromtimetotimeashewrotethem，andtheywerefairlyoverflowingwithhumorandphilosophyandsatireconcerningthehumanrace。Theimmortalvisitorpointedout，oneafteranother，theabsurditiesofmankind，hisridiculousconceptionofheaven，andhisspecialconceitinbelievingthathewastheCreator’spet——theparticularformoflifeforwhichalltheuniversewascreated。Clemensallowedhisexuberantfancyfreerein，beingundernorestrictionsastothepossibilityofprintorpublicoffense。Heenjoyedthemhimself，too，ashereadthemaloud，andwelaughedourselvesweakoverhisboldimaginings。
Oneadmissibleextractwillcarrysomethingoftheflavorofthesechapters。Itiswherethecelestialcorrespondentdescribesman’sreligion。
Hisheavenislikehimself：strange，interesting，astonishing，grotesque。Igiveyoumywordithasnotasinglefeatureinitthatheactuallyvalues。Itconsists——utterlyandentirely——ofdiversionswhichhecaresnexttonothingabouthereintheearth，yetheisquitesurehewilllikeinheaven。Isn’titcurious？
Isn’titinteresting？YoumustnotthinkIamexaggerating，foritisnotso。Iwillgiveyouthedetails。
Most，mendonotsing，mostmencannotsing，mostmenwillnotstaywhereothersaresingingifitbecontinuedmorethantwohours。
Notethat。
Onlyabouttwomeninahundredcanplayuponamusicalinstrument，andnotfourinahundredhaveanywishtolearnhow。Setthatdown。
Manymenpray，notmanyofthemliketodoit。Afewpraylong，theothersmakeashort—cut。
Moremengotochurchthanwantto。
Toforty—ninemeninfiftytheSabbathdayisadreary，drearybore。
Further，allsanepeopledetestnoise。
Allpeople，saneorinsane，liketohavevarietyintheirlives。
Monotonyquicklyweariesthem。
Nowthen，youhavethefacts。Youknowwhatmendon’tenjoy。Well，theyhaveinventedaheaven，outoftheirownheads，allbythemselves；guesswhatitislike？Infifteenhundredyearsyoucouldn’tdoit。Theyhaveleftouttheverythingstheycareformosttheirdearestpleasures——andreplacedthemwithprayer！
Inman’sheaveneverybodysings。Therearenoexceptions。Themanwhodidnotsingonearthsingsthere；themanwhocouldnotsingonearthsingsthere。Thusuniversalsingingisnotcasual，notoccasional，notrelievedbyintervalsofquiet；itgoesonalldaylongandeverydayduringastretchoftwelvehours。Andeverybodystayswhereonearththeplacewouldbeemptyintwohours。Thesingingisofhymnsalone。Nay，itisonehymnalone。Thewordsarealwaysthesameinnumber——theyareonlyaboutadozen——thereisnorhyme——thereisnopoetry。"Hosanna，hosanna，hosannauntothehighest！"andafewsuchphrasesconstitutethewholeservice。
Meantime，everypersonisplayingonaharp！Considerthedeafeninghurricaneofsound。Consider，further，itisapraiseservice——aserviceofcompliment，flattery，adulation。Doyouaskwhoitisthatiswillingtoendurethisstrangecompliment，thisinsanecompliment，andwhonotonlyenduresitbutlikesit，enjoysit，requiresit，commandsit？Holdyourbreath：ItisGod！Thisrace’sGodImean——theirownpetinvention。
Mostoftheideaspresentedinthishislastcommentaryonhumanabsurditieswerenewonlyastophrasing。Hehadexhaustedthetopiclongago，inonewayoranother；butitwasoneofthethemesinwhichheneverlostinterest。Manysubjectsbecamestaletohimatlast；butthecuriousinventioncalledmanremainedanoveltytohimtotheend。
Frommynote—book：
October25。Iamconstantlyamazedathisknowledgeofhistory——allhistory——religious，political，military。HeseemstohavereadeverythingintheworldconcerningRome，France，andEnglandparticularly。
Lastnightwestoppedplayingbilliardswhilehereviewed，inthemostvividandpicturesquephrasing，thereasonsofRome’sdecline。
Suchapresentationwouldhaveenthralledanyaudience——Icouldnothelpfeelingagreatpitythathehadnotdevotedsomeofhispublicefforttoworkofthatsort。Noonecouldhaveequaledhimatit。
HeconcludedwithsomecommentsonthepossibilityofAmericafollowingRome’sexample，thoughhethoughtthevoteofthepeoplewouldalways，oratleastforalongperiod，preventimperialism。
November1。To—dayhehasbeenabsorbedinhisoldinterestinshorthand。"Itistheonlyrationalalphabet，"hedeclared。"Allthisspellingreformisnonsense。Whatweneedisalphabetreform，andshorthandisthething。TaketheletterM，forinstance；itismadewithonestrokeinshorthand，whileinlonghanditrequiresatleastthree。ThewordMephistophelescanbewritteninshorthandwithone—sixththenumberofstrokesthatisrequiredinlonghand。
Itellyoushorthandshouldbeadoptedasthealphabet。"
Isaid："Thereisthisobjection：thecharactersaresoslightlydifferentthateachwritersoonformsasystemofhisownanditisseldomthattwocanreadeachother’snotes。"
"Youaretalkingofstenographicreporting，"hesaid，ratherwarmly。
"Nothingofthekindistrueinthecaseoftheregularalphabet。
Itisperfectlyclearandlegible。"
"Wouldyouhaveitintheschools，then？"
"Yes，itshouldbetaughtintheschools，notforstenographicpurposes，butonlyforuseinwritingtosavetime。"
Hewasverymuchinearnest，andsaidhehadundertakenanarticleonthesubject。
November3。Hesaidhecouldnotsleeplastnight，forthinkingwhatafoolhehadbeeninhisvariousinvestments。
"Ihavealwaysbeenthevictimofsomebody，"hesaid，"andalwaysanidiotmyself，doingthingsthatevenachildwouldnotdo。Neveraskinganybody’sadvice——nevertakingitwhenitwasoffered。I
can’tseehowanybodycoulddothethingsIhavedoneandhavekeptrightondoing。"
Icouldseethatthethoughtagitatedhim，andIsuggestedthatwegotohisroomandread，whichwedid，andhadariotoustimeoverthemostrecentchaptersofthe’LettersfromtheEarth’，andsomenoteshehadmadeforfuturechaptersoninfantdamnationandotherdistinctivefeaturesoforthodoxcreeds。HetoldananecdoteofanoldministerwhodeclaredthatPresbyterianismwithoutinfantdamnationwouldbelikethedogonthetrainthatcouldn’tbeidentifiedbecauseithadlostitstag。
SomewhatonthedefensiveIsaid，"Butwemustadmitthattheso—
calledChristiannationsarethemostenlightenedandprogressive。"
Heanswered，"Yes，butinspiteoftheirreligion，notbecauseofit。TheChurchhasopposedeveryinnovationanddiscoveryfromthedayofGalileodowntoourowntime，whentheuseofanestheticsinchild—birthwasregardedasasinbecauseitavoidedthebiblicalcursepronouncedagainstEve。Andeverystepinastronomyandgeologyevertakenhasbeenopposedbybigotryandsuperstition。
TheGreekssurpassedusinartisticcultureandinarchitecturefivehundredyearsbeforetheChristianreligionwasborn。
"IhavebeenreadingGibbon’scelebratedFifteenthChapter，"hesaidlater，"andIdon’tseewhatChristiansfoundagainstit。Itissomild——sogentleinitssarcasm。"HeaddedthathehadbeenreadingalsoalittlebookofbriefbiographiesandhadfoundinitthesayingofDarwin’sfather，"UnitarianismisafeatherbedtocatchfallingChristians。"
"Iwasgladtofindandidentifythatsaying，"hesaid；"itissogood。"
HefinishedtheeveningbyreadingachapterfromCarlyle’sFrenchRevolution——afinepyrotechnicpassage——thegatheringatVersailles。
IsaidthatCarlylesomehowremindedmeofafervidstump—speakerwhopoundedhisfistsandwentathisaudiencefiercely，determinedtoconvincethem。
"Yes，"hesaid，"butheisthebestonethateverlived。"
November10。Thismorningearlyheheardmestirringandcalled。I
wentinandfoundhimproppedupwithabook，asusual。Hesaid：
"IseldomreadChristmasstories，butthisisverybeautiful。Ithasmademecry。Iwantyoutoreadit。"ItwasBoothTarkington’s’Beasley’sChristmasParty’。"Tarkingtonhasthetruetouch，"hesaid；"hisworkalwayssatisfiesme。"AnotherbookhehasbeenreadingwithgreatenjoymentisJamesBranchCabell’sChivalry。HecannotsayenoughofthesubtlepoeticartwithwhichCabellhasflungthelightofromanceaboutdarkandsordidchaptersofhistory。
CCLXXVII
MARKTWAIN’SREADING
PerhapshereonemayspeakofMarkTwain’sreadingingeneral。Onthetablebyhim，andonhisbed，andinthebilliard—roomshelveshekeptthebookshereadmost。Theywerenotmany——notmorethanadozen——buttheyweremanifestlyoffamiliarandfrequentusage。All，ornearlyall，hadannotations——spontaneouslyutteredmarginalnotes，titleprefatories，orconcludingcomments。Theywerethebookshehadreadagainandagain，anditwasseldomthathehadnothadsomethingtosaywitheachfreshreading。
TherewerethethreebigvolumesbySaint—Simon——’TheMemoirs’——whichheoncetoldmehehadreadnolessthantwentytimes。Onthefly—leafofthefirstvolumehewroteThis，&Casanova&Pepys，setinparallelcolumns，couldaffordagoodcoupd’oeilofFrench&Englishhighlifeofthatepoch。
Allthroughthosefinelyprintedvolumesarehiscommentaries，sometimesnomorethanaword，sometimesafilled，closelywrittenmargin。HefoundlittletoadmireinthehumannatureofSaint—Simon’speriod——
littletoapproveinSaint—Simonhimselfbeyondhisunrestrainedfrankness，whichheadmiredwithoutstint，andinoneparagraphwherethedetailsofthatearlyperiodaresetdownwithstartlingfidelityhewrote："Oh，incomparableSaint—Simon！"
Saint—Simonisalwaysfrank，andMarkTwainwasequallyso。WheretheformertellsoneoftheunspeakablecompulsionsofLouisXIV。，thelatterhascommented：
WehavetograntthatGodmadethisroyalhog；wemayalsobepermittedtobelievethatitwasacrimetodoso。
Andonanotherpage：
InhermemoriesofthisperiodtheDuchessedeSt。Clairmakesthisstrikingremark："Sometimesonecouldtellagentleman，butitwasonlybyhismannerofusinghisfork。"
HiscommentsontheorthodoxreligionofSaint—Simon’speriodarenotmarkedbygentleness。Oftheauthor’sreferencetotheEdictofNantes，whichhesaysdepopulatedhalfoftherealm，ruineditscommerce，and"authorizedtormentsandpunishmentsbywhichsomanyinnocentpeopleofbothsexeswerekilledbythousands，"Clemenswrites：
SomuchbloodhasbeenshedbytheChurchbecauseofanomissionfromtheGospel："Yeshallbeindifferentastowhatyourneighbor’sreligionis。"
Notmerelytolerantofit，butindifferenttoit。Divinityisclaimedformanyreligions；butnoreligionisgreatenoughordivineenoughtoaddthatnewlawtoitscode。
IntheplacewhereSaint—SimondescribesthedeathofMonseigneur，sonoftheking，andthecourthypocritesarewailingtheirextravagantlypretendedsorrow，Clemenswrote：
Itisallsotrue，allsohuman。Godmadetheseanimals。Hemusthavenoticedthisscene；IwishIknewhowitstruckHim。
TherewerenotmanynotesintheSuetonius，norintheCarlyleRevolution，thoughthesewereamongthevolumeshereadoftenest。
Perhapstheyexpressedforhimtoocompletelyandtoorichlytheirsubject—mattertorequireanythingathishand。Hereandtherearemarkedpassagesandoccasionalcross—referencestorelatedhistoryandcircumstance。
TherewasnotmuchroomforcommentonthenarrowmarginsoftheoldcopyofPepys，whichhehadreadsteadilysincetheearlyseventies；buthereandthereafewcrispwords，andtheunderscoringandmarkedpassagesareplentifulenoughtoconveyhisdevotiontothatquaintrecordwhich，perhapsnexttoSuetonius，wasthebookhereadandquotedmost。
FrancisParkman’sCanadianHistorieshehadreadperiodically，especiallythestoryoftheOldRegimeandoftheJesuitsinNorthAmerica。AslateasJanuary，1908，hewroteonthetitle—pageoftheOldRegime：
Veryinteresting。IttellshowpeoplereligiouslyandotherwiseinsanecameoverfromFranceandcolonizedCanada。