bySaki（H。H。Munro）
　　Contents：
　　ReginaldReginaldonChristmasPresentsReginaldontheAcademyReginaldattheTheatreReginald’sPeacePoemReginald’sChoirTreatReginaldonWorriesReginaldonHouse—PartiesReginaldattheCarltonReginaldonBesettingSinsReginald’sDramaReginaldonTariffsReginald’sChristmasRevelReginald’sRubaiyatTheInnocenceofReginaldREGINALD
　　Ididit——Iwhoshouldhaveknownbetter。IpersuadedReginaldtogototheMcKillops’garden—partyagainsthiswill。
　　Weallmakemistakesoccasionally。
　　"Theyknowyou’rehere，andthey’llthinkitsofunnyifyoudon’tgo。AndIwantparticularlytobeinwithMrs。
　　McKillopjustnow。"
　　"Iknow，youwantoneofhersmokePersiankittensasaprospectivewifeforWumples——orahusband，isit？"
　　（Reginaldhasamagnificentscornfordetails，otherthansartorial。）"AndIamexpectedtoundergosocialmartyrdomtosuittheconnubialexigencies"—
　　"Reginald！It’snothingofthekind，onlyI’msureMrs。
　　McKillopWouldbepleasedifIbroughtyou。Youngmenofyourbrilliantattractionsareratheratapremiumathergarden—parties。"
　　"Shouldbeatapremiuminheaven，"remarkedReginaldcomplacently。
　　"Therewillbeveryfewofyouthere，ifthatiswhatyoumean。Butseriously，therewon’tbeanygreatstrainuponyourpowersofendurance；Ipromiseyouthatyoushan’thavetoplaycroquet，ortalktotheArchdeacon’swife，ordoanythingthatislikelytobringonphysicalprostration。
　　Youcanjustwearyoursweetestclothesandmoderatelyamiableexpression，andeatchocolate—creamswiththeappetiteofablaseparrot。Nothingmoreisdemandedofyou。"
　　Reginaldshuthiseyes。"Therewillbetheexhaustinglyup—
　　to—dateyoungwomenwhowillaskmeifIhaveseenSanToy：
　　alessprogressivegradewhowillyearntohearabouttheDiamondJubilee——thehistoricevent，notthehorse。Withalittleencouragement，theywillinquireifIsawtheAlliesmarchintoParis。Whyarewomensofondofrakingupthepast？They’reasbadastailors，whoinvariablyrememberwhatyouowethemforasuitlongafteryou’veceasedtowearit。"
　　"I’llorderlunchforoneo’clock；thatwillgiveyoutwoandahalfhourstodressin。"
　　Reginaldpuckeredhisbrowintoatorturedfrown，andIknewthatmypointwasgained。Hewasdebatingwhattiewouldgowithwhichwaistcoat。
　　EventhenIhadmymisgivings。
　　***
　　DuringthedrivetotheMcKillops’Reginaldwaspossessedwithagreatpeace，whichwasnotwhollytobeaccountedforbythefactthathehadinveigledhisfeetintoshoesasizetoosmallforthem。Imisgavemorethanever，andhavingoncelaunchedReginaldontotheMcKillops’lawn，I
　　establishedhimnearaseductivedishofmarronsglaces，andasfarfromtheArchdeacon’swifeaspossible；asIdriftedawaytoadiplomaticdistanceIheardwithpainfuldistinctnesstheeldestMawkbygirlaskinghimifhehadseenSanToy。
　　Itmusthavebeentenminuteslater，notmore，andIhadbeenhavingQUITEanenjoyablechatwithmyhostess，andhadpromisedtolendherTheEternalCityandmyrecipeforrabbitmayonnaise，andwasjustabouttoofferakindhomeforherthirdPersiankitten，whenIperceived，outofthecornerofmyeye，thatReginaldwasnotwhereIhadlefthim，andthatthemarronsglaceswereuntasted。AtthesamemomentIbecameawarethatoldColonelMendozawasessayingtotellhisclassicstoryofhowheintroducedgolfintoIndia，andthatReginaldwasindangerousproximity。ThereareoccasionswhenReginaldiscaviaretotheColonel。
　　"WhenIwasatPoonain’76"—
　　"MydearColonel，"purredReginald，"fancyadmittingsuchathing！Suchagive—awayforone’sage！Iwouldn’tadmitbeingonthisplanetin’76。"（Reginaldinhiswildestlapsesintoveracityneveradmitstobeingmorethantwenty—
　　two。）
　　TheColonelwenttothecolourofafigthathasattainedgreatripeness，andReginald，ignoringmyeffortstointercepthim，glidedawaytoanotherpartofthelawn。I
　　foundhimafewminuteslaterhappilyengagedinteachingtheyoungestRampageboytheapprovedtheoryofmixingabsinthe，withinfullearshotofhismother。Mrs。RampageoccupiesaprominentplaceinlocalTemperancemovements。
　　AssoonasIhadbrokenupthisunpromisingtete—a—teteandsettledReginaldwherehecouldwatchthecroquetplayerslosingtheirtempers，Iwanderedofftofindmyhostessandrenewthekittennegotiationsatthepointwheretheyhadbeeninterrupted。Ididnotsucceedinrunningherdownatonce，andeventuallyitwasMrs。McKillopwhosoughtmeout，andherconversationwasnotofkittens。
　　"YourcousinisdiscussingZazawiththeArchdeacon’swife；
　　atleast，heisdiscussing，sheisorderinghercarriage。"
　　Shespokeinthedry，staccatotoneofonewhorepeatsaFrenchexercise，andIknewthatasfarasMillieMcKillopwasconcerned，Wumpleswasdevotedtoalifelongcelibacy。
　　"Ifyoudon’tmind，"Isaidhurriedly，"Ithinkwe’dlikeourcarriageorderedtoo，"andImadeaforcedmarchinthedirectionofthecroquet—ground。
　　IfoundeveryonetalkingnervouslyandfeverishlyoftheweatherandthewarinSouthAfrica，exceptReginald，whowasreclininginacomfortablechairwiththedreamy，far—awaylookthatavolcanomightwearjustafterithaddesolatedentirevillages。TheArchdeacon’swifewasbuttoninguphergloveswithaconcentrateddeliberationthatwasfearfultobehold。IshallhavetotreblemysubscriptiontoherCheerfulSundayEveningsFundbeforeIdaresetfootinherhouseagain。
　　Atthatparticularmomentthecroquetplayersfinishedtheirgame，whichhadbeengoingonwithoutasymptomoffinalityduringthewholeafternoon。Why，Iask，shouldithavestoppedpreciselywhenacounter—attractionwassonecessary？
　　Everyoneseemedtodrifttowardstheareaofdisturbance，ofwhichthechairsoftheArchdeacon’swifeandReginaldformedthestorm—centre。Conversationflagged，andtheresettleduponthecompanythatexpectanthushthatprecedesthedawn——
　　whenyourneighboursdon’thappentokeeppoultry。
　　"WhatdidtheCaspianSea？"askedReginald，withappallingsuddenness。
　　Thereweresymptomsofastampede。TheArchdeacon’swifelookedatme。Kiplingorsomeonehasdescribedsomewherethelookafounderedcamelgiveswhenthecaravanmovesonandleavesittoitsfate。Thepeptonisedreproachinthegoodlady’seyesbroughtthepassagevividlytomymind。
　　Iplayedmylastcard。
　　"Reginald，it’sgettinglate，andasea—mistiscomingon。"
　　Iknewthattheelaboratecurloverhisrighteyebrowwasnotguaranteedtosurviveasea—mist。
　　"Never，neveragain，willItakeyoutoagarden—party。
　　Never……Youbehavedabominably……WhatdidtheCaspiansee？"
　　AshadeofgenuineregretformisusedopportunitiespassedoverReginald’sface。
　　"Afterall，"hesaid，"Ibelieveanapricottiewouldhavegonebetterwiththelilacwaistcoat。"
　　REGINALDONCHRISTMASPRESENTS
　　Iwishittobedistinctlyunderstood（saidReginald）thatI
　　don’twanta"George，PrinceofWales"Prayer—bookasaChristmaspresent。Thefactcannotbetoowidelyknown。
　　Thereought（hecontinued）tobetechnicaleducationclassesonthescienceofpresent—giving。Nooneseemstohavethefaintestnotionofwhatanyoneelsewants，andtheprevalentideasonthesubjectarenotcreditabletoacivilisedcommunity。
　　Thereis，forinstance，thefemalerelativeinthecountrywho"knowsatieisalwaysuseful，"andsendsyousomespottedhorrorthatyoucouldonlywearinsecretorinTottenhamCourtRoad。ItMIGHThavebeenusefulhadshekeptittotieupcurrantbusheswith，whenitwouldhaveservedthedoublepurposeofsupportingthebranchesandfrighteningawaythebirds——foritisanadmittedfactthattheordinarytomtitofcommercehasasounderaesthetictastethantheaveragefemalerelativeinthecountry。
　　Thenthereareaunts。Theyarealwaysadifficultclasstodealwithinthematterofpresents。Thetroubleisthatonenevercatchesthemreallyyoungenough。BythetimeonehaseducatedthemtoanappreciationofthefactthatonedoesnotwearredwoollenmittensintheWestEnd，theydie，orquarrelwiththefamily，ordosomethingequallyinconsiderate。Thatiswhythesupplyoftrainedauntsisalwayssoprecarious。
　　ThereismyAuntAgatha，parexemple，whosentmeapairofgloveslastChristmas，andevengotsofarastochooseakindthatwasbeingwornandhadthecorrectnumberofbuttons。But——THEYWERENINES！IsentthemtoaboywhomI
　　hatedintimately：hedidn’twearthem，ofcourse，buthecouldhave——thatwaswherethebitternessofdeathcamein。
　　Itwasnearlyasconsolingassendingwhiteflowerstohisfuneral。OfcourseIwroteandtoldmyauntthattheyweretheonethingthathadbeenwantingtomakeexistenceblossomlikearose；Iamafraidshethoughtmefrivolous——shecomesfromtheNorth，wheretheyliveinthefearofHeavenandtheEarlofDurham。（Reginaldaffectsanexhaustiveknowledgeofthingspolitical，whichfurnishesanexcellentexcusefornotdiscussingthem。）Auntswithadashofforeignextractioninthemarethemostsatisfactoryinthewayofunderstandingthesethings；butifyoucan’tchooseyouraunt，itiswisestinthelong—runtochoosethepresentandsendherthebill。
　　Evenfriendsofone’sownset，whomightbeexpectedtoknowbetter，havecuriousdelusionsonthesubject。IamNOT
　　collectingcopiesofthecheapereditionsofOmarKhayyam。I
　　gavethelastfourthatIreceivedtothelift—boy，andI
　　liketothinkofhimreadingthem，withFitzGerald’snotes，tohisagedmother。Lift—boysalwayshaveagedmothers；
　　showssuchnicefeelingontheirpart，Ithink。
　　Personally，Ican’tseewherethedifficultyinchoosingsuitablepresentslies。NoboywhohadbroughthimselfupproperlycouldfailtoappreciateoneofthosedecorativebottlesofliqueursthataresoreverentlystagedinMorel’swindow——anditwouldn’tintheleastmatterifonedidgetduplicates。AndtherewouldalwaysbethesuprememomentofdreadfuluncertaintywhetheritwascremedementheorChartreuse——liketheexpectantthrillonseeingyourpartner’shandturnedupatbridge。PeoplemaysaywhattheylikeaboutthedecayofChristianity；thereligioussystemthatproducedgreenChartreusecanneverreallydie。
　　Andthen，ofcourse，thereareliqueurglasses，andcrystallisedfruits，andtapestrycurtains，andheapsofothernecessariesoflifethatmakereallysensiblepresents—
　　—nottospeakofluxuries，suchashavingone’sbillspaid，orgettingsomethingquitesweetinthewayofjewellery。
　　UnliketheallegedGoodWomanoftheBible，I’mnotaboverubies。Whenfound，bytheway，shemusthavebeenratheraproblematChristmas—time；nothingshortofablankchequewouldhavefittedthesituation。Perhapsit’saswellthatshe’sdiedout。
　　Thegreatcharmaboutme（concludedReginald）isthatIamsoeasilypleased。
　　ButIdrawthelineata"PrinceofWales"Prayer—book。
　　REGINALDONTHEACADEMY
　　"OnegoestotheAcademyinself—defence，"saidReginald。
　　"ItistheonetopiconehasincommonwiththeCountryCousins。"
　　"Itisalmostareligiousobservancewiththem，"saidtheOther。"AkindofartisticMecca，andwhenthegoodonesdietheygo"—
　　"TotheChantreyBequest。Themysteryiswhattheyfindtotalkaboutinthecountry。"
　　"Therearetwosubjectsofconversationinthecountry：
　　Servants，andCanfowlsbemadetopay？Thefirst，I
　　believe，iscompulsory，thesecondoptional。"
　　"Asafunction，"resumedReginald，"theAcademyisafailure。"
　　"Youthinkitwouldbetolerablewithoutthepictures？"
　　"Thepicturesareallright，intheirway；afterall，onecanalwaysLOOKatthemifoneisboredwithone’ssurroundings，orwantstoavoidanimminentacquaintance。"
　　"Eventhatdoesn’talwayssaveone。ThereistheinevitablefemalewhomyoumetonceinDevonshire，ortheMatoppoHills，orsomewhere，whochargesuptoyouwiththeremarkthatit’sfunnyhowonealwaysmeetspeopleoneknowsattheAcademy。
　　Personally，IDON’Tthinkitfunny。"
　　"Isufferedinthatwayjustnow，"saidReginaldplaintively，"fromawomanwhosewordIhadtotakethatshehadmetmelastsummerinBrittany。"
　　"Ihopeyouwerenottoobrutal？"
　　"Imerelytoldherwithengagingsimplicitythattheartoflifewastheavoidanceoftheunattainable。"
　　"Didshetryandworkitoutonthebackofhercatalogue？"
　　"Notthereandthen。Shemurmuredsomethingaboutbeing’soclever。’FancycomingtotheAcademytobeclever！"
　　"Tobecleverintheafternoonarguesthatoneisdiningnowhereintheevening。"
　　"WhichremindsmethatIcan’trememberwhetherIacceptedaninvitationfromyoutodineatKettner’sto—night。"
　　"Ontheotherhand，Icanrememberwithstartlingdistinctnessnothavingaskedyouto。"
　　"Somuchcertaintyisunbecomingintheyoung；sowe’llconsiderthatsettled。Whatwereyoutalkingabout？Oh，pictures。Personally，Iratherlikethem；theyaresorefreshinglyrealandprobable，theytakeoneawayfromtheunrealitiesoflife。"
　　"Onelikestoescapefromoneselfoccasionally。"
　　"Thatisthedisadvantageofaportrait；asarule，one’sbitterestfriendscanfindnothingmoretoaskthanthefaithfulunlikenessthatgoesdowntoposterityasoneself。
　　Ihateposterity——it’ssofondofhavingthelastword。Ofcourse，asregardsportraits，thereareexceptions。"
　　"Forinstance？"
　　"TodiebeforebeingpaintedbySargentistogotoheavenprematurely。"
　　"Withthenecessarycareandimpatience，youmayavoidthatcatastrophe。"
　　"Ifyou’regoingtoberude，"saidReginald，"Ishalldinewithyouto—morrownightaswell。ThechiefviceoftheAcademy，"hecontinued，"isitsnomenclature。Why，forinstance，shouldanobvioustrout—streamwithapalpablerabbitsittingintheforegroundbecalled’aneveningdreamofunbecloudedpeace，’orsomethingofthatsort？"
　　"Youthink，"saidtheOther，"thatanameshouldeconomisedescriptionratherthanstimulateimagination？"
　　"Properlychosen，itshoulddoboth。Thereismyladykittenathome，forinstance；I’vecalleditDerry。"
　　"Suggestsnothingtomyimaginationbutprotractedsiegesandreligiousanimosities。Ofcourse，Idon’tknowyourkitten"
　　—
　　"Oh，you’resilly。It’sasweetname，anditanswerstoit——
　　whenitwantsto。Then，ifthereareanyunseemlynoisesinthenight，theycanbeexplainedsuccinctly：DerryandToms。"
　　"Youmightalmostchargefortheadvertisement。Butasappliedtopictures，don’tyouthinkyoursystemwouldbetoosubtle，say，fortheCountryCousins？"
　　"Everyreformationmusthaveitsvictims。Youcan’texpectthefattedcalftosharetheenthusiasmoftheangelsovertheprodigal’sreturn。AnotherdarlingweaknessoftheAcademyisthatnoneofitsluminariesmust’arrive’inahurry。Youcanseethemcomingforyears，likeaBalkantroubleorastreetimprovement，andbythetimetheyhavepaintedathousandorsosquareyardsofcanvas，theirworkbeginstoberecognised。"
　　"SomeonewhoMustNotbeContradictedsaidthatamanmustbeasuccessbythetimehe’sthirty，ornever。"
　　"Tohavereachedthirty，"saidReginald，"istohavefailedinlife。"
　　REGINALDATTHETHEATRE
　　"Afterall，"saidtheDuchessvaguely，"therearecertainthingsyoucan’tgetawayfrom。Rightandwrong，goodconductandmoralrectitude，havecertainwell—definedlimits。"
　　"So，forthematterofthat，"repliedReginald，"hastheRussianEmpire。Thetroubleisthatthelimitsarenotalwaysinthesameplace。"
　　ReginaldandtheDuchessregardedeachotherwithmutualdistrust，temperedbyascientificinterest。ReginaldconsideredthattheDuchesshadmuchtolearn；inparticular，nottohurryoutoftheCarltonasthoughafraidoflosingone’slast’bus。Awoman，hesaid，whoiscarelessofdisappearancesiscapableofleavingtownbeforeGood—wood，anddyingatthewrongmomentofanunfashionabledisease。
　　TheDuchessthoughtthatReginalddidnotexceedtheethicalstandardwhichcircumstancesdemanded。
　　"Ofcourse，"sheresumedcombatively，"it’stheprevailingfashiontobelieveinperpetualchangeandmutability，andallthatsortofthing，andtosayweareallmerelyanimprovedformofprimevalape——ofcourseyousubscribetothatdoctrine？"
　　"Ithinkitdecidedlypremature；inmostpeopleIknowtheprocessisfarfromcomplete。"
　　"Andequallyofcourseyouarequiteirreligious？"
　　"Oh，bynomeans。ThefashionjustnowisaRomanCatholicframeofmindwithanAgnosticconscience：yougetthemediaevalpicturesquenessoftheonewiththemodernconveniencesoftheother。"
　　TheDuchesssuppressedasniff。ShewasoneofthosepeoplewhoregardtheChurchofEnglandwithpatronisingaffection，asifitweresomethingthathadgrownupintheirkitchengarden。
　　"Butthereareotherthings，"shecontinued，"whichIsupposearetoacertainextentsacredeventoyou。Patriotism，forinstance，andEmpire，andImperialresponsibility，andblood—
　　is—thicker—than—water，andallthatsortofthing。"
　　Reginaldwaitedforacoupleofminutesbeforereplying，whiletheLordofRiminitemporarilymonopolisedtheacousticpossibilitiesofthetheatre。
　　"Thatistheworstofatragedy，"heobserved，"onecan’talwayshearoneselftalk。OfcourseIaccepttheImperialideaandtheresponsibility。Afterall，IwouldjustassoonthinkinContinentsasanywhereelse。Andsomeday，whentheseasonisoverandwehavethetime，youshallexplaintometheexactblood—brotherhoodandallthatsortofthingthatexistsbetweenaFrenchCanadianandamildHindooandaYorkshireman，forinstance。"
　　"Oh，well，’dominionoverpalmandpine，’youknow，"quotedtheDuchesshopefully；"ofcoursewemustn’tforgetthatwe’reallpartofthegreatAnglo—SaxonEmpire。"
　　"WhichforitspartisrapidlybecomingasuburbofJerusalem。Averypleasantsuburb，Iadmit，andquiteacharmingJerusalem。Butstillasuburb。"
　　"Really，tobetoldone’slivinginasuburbwhenoneisconsciousofspreadingthebenefitsofcivilisationallovertheworld！Philanthropy——IsupposeyouwillsayTHATisacomfortabledelusion；andyetevenyoumustadmitthatwheneverwantormiseryorstarvationisknowntoexist，howeverdistantordifficultofaccess，weinstantlyorganisereliefonthemostgenerousscale，anddistributeit，ifneedbe，totheuttermostendsoftheearth。"
　　TheDuchesspaused，withasenseofultimatetriumph。Shehadmadethesameobservationatadrawing—roommeeting，andithadbeenextremelywellreceived。
　　"Iwonder，"saidReginald，"ifyouhaveeverwalkeddowntheEmbankmentonawinternight？"
　　"Gracious，no，child！Whydoyouask？"
　　"Ididn’t；Ionlywondered。Andevenyourphilanthropy，practisedinaworldwhereeverythingisbasedoncompetition，musthaveadebitaswellasacreditaccount。
　　Theyoungravenscryforfood。"
　　"Andarefed。"
　　"Exactly。Whichpresupposesthatsomethingelseisfedupon。"
　　"Oh，you’resimplyexasperating。You’vebeenreadingNietzschetillyouhaven’tgotanysenseofmoralproportionleft。MayIaskifyouaregovernedbyANYlawsofconductwhatever？"
　　"Therearecertainfixedrulesthatoneobservesforone’sowncomfort。Forinstance，neverbeflippantlyrudetoanyinoffensivegrey—beardedstrangerthatyoumaymeetinpineforestsorhotelsmoking—roomsontheContinent。ItalwaysturnsouttobetheKingofSweden。"
　　"Therestraintmustbedreadfullyirksometoyou。WhenIwasyounger，boysofyourageusedtobeniceandinnocent。"
　　"Nowweareonlynice。Onemustspecialiseinthesedays。
　　WhichremindsmeofthemanIreadofinsomesacredbookwhowasgivenachoiceofwhathemostdesired。Andbecausehedidn’taskfortitlesandhonoursanddignities，butonlyforimmensewealth，theseotherthingscametohimalso。"
　　"Iamsureyoudidn’treadabouthiminanysacredbook。"
　　"Yes；IfancyyouwillfindhiminDebrett。"
　　REGINALD’SPEACEPOEM
　　"I’mwritingapoemonPeace，"saidReginald，emergingfromasweepingoperationthroughatinofmixedbiscuits，inwhosedepthsamacaroonortwomightyetbelurking。
　　"Somethingofthekindseemstohavebeenattemptedalready，"
　　saidtheOther。
　　"Oh，Iknow；butImayneverhavethechanceagain。Besides，I’vegotanewfountainpen。Idon’tpretendtohavegoneonanyveryoriginallines；inwritingaboutPeacethethingistosaywhateverybodyelseissaying，onlytosayitbetter。
　　Itbeginswiththeusualornithologicalemotion—
　　’WhenthewidgeonwestwardwingingHeardthefolkVereeniginging，Heardtheshoutingandthesinging’"—
　　"Vereenigingingisgood，butwhywidgeon？"
　　"Whynot？AnythingthatwingedwestwardwouldnaturallybeginwithaW。"
　　"Needitwingwestward？"
　　"Thebirdmustgosomewhere。Youwouldn’thaveithangaroundandlookfoolish。ThenI’vebroughtinsomethingabouttheheedlesshartebeestgallopingoverthedesertedveldt。"
　　"Ofcourseyouknowit’spracticallyextinctinthoseregions？"
　　"Ican’thelpTHAT，itgallopssonicely。Imakeithaveallsortsofunexpectedyearnings—
　　’Mother，mayIgoandmaffick，Teararoundandhindertraffic？’
　　Ofcourseyou’llsaytherewouldbenotrafficworthbotheringaboutonthebareandsun—scorchedveldt，butthere’snootherwordthatrhymeswithmaffick。"
　　"Seraphic？"
　　Reginaldconsidered。"Itmightdo，butI’vegotalotaboutangelslateron。YoumusthaveangelsinaPeacepoem；I
　　knowdreadfullylittleabouttheirhabits。"
　　"Theycandounexpectedthings，likethehartebeest。"
　　"Ofcourse。ThenIturnonLondon，theCityofDreadfulNocturnes，resonantwithhymnsofjoyandthanksgiving—
　　’Andthesleeper，eyeunlidding，HeardavoiceforeverbiddingMuchfarewelltoDollyGray；
　　Turningwearyonhistruckle—
　　Bedheheardthehoney—suckleLaudedinapiarianlay。’
　　Longfellowathisbestwrotenothinglikethat。"
　　"Iagreewithyou。"
　　"Iwishyouwouldn’t。I’veasweettemper，butIcan’tstandbeingagreedwith。AndI’msoworriedabouttheaasvogel。"
　　Reginaldstareddismallyatthebiscuit—tin，whichnowpresentedanunattractivearrayofrejectedcracknels。
　　"Ibelieve，"hemurmured，"ifIcouldfindawomanwithanunsatisfiedcravingforcracknels，Ishouldmarryher。"
　　"Whatisthetragedyoftheaasvogel？"askedtheOthersympathetically。
　　"Oh，simplythatthere’snorhymeforit。IthoughtaboutitallthetimeIwasdressing——it’sdreadfullybadforonetothinkwhilstone’sdressing——andalllunch—time，andI’mstillhungupoverit。Ifeellikethoseunfortunateautomobilistswhoachieveanunenviablemotorietybycomingtoahopelessstopwiththeircarsinthemostcrowdedthoroughfares。I’mafraidIshallhavetodroptheaasvogel，anditdidgivesuchlovelylocalcolourtothething。"
　　"Stillyou’vegottheheedlesshartebeest。"
　　"Andquiteadecorativebitofmoraladmonition——whenyou’veworriedthemeaningout—
　　’Cease，War，thybubblingmadnessthatthewineshares，Andbidthylegionsturntheirswordstomineshares。’
　　Minesharesseemstofitthecasebetterthanploughshares。
　　There’slotsmoreabouttheblessingsofPeace，shallIgoonreadingit？"
　　"IfImustmakeachoice，IthinkIwouldrathertheywentonwiththewar。"
　　REGINALD’SCHOIRTREAT
　　"Never，"wroteReginaldtohismostdarlingfriend，"beapioneer。It’stheEarlyChristianthatgetsthefattestlion。"
　　Reginald，inhisway，wasapioneer。
　　NoneoftherestofhisfamilyhadanythingapproachingTitianhairorasenseofhumour，andtheyusedprimrosesasatabledecoration。
　　ItfollowsthattheyneverunderstoodReginald，whocamedownlatetobreakfast，andnibbledtoast，andsaiddisrespectfulthingsabouttheuniverse。Thefamilyateporridge，andbelievedineverything，eventheweatherforecast。
　　Thereforethefamilywasrelievedwhenthevicar’sdaughterundertookthereformationofReginald。HernamewasAmabel；
　　itwasthevicar’soneextravagance。Amabelwasaccountedabeautyandintellectuallygifted；sheneverplayedtennis，andwasreputedtohavereadMaeterlinck’sLifeoftheBee。
　　IfyouabstainfromtennisANDreadMaeterlinckinasmallcountryvillage，youareofnecessityintellectual。AlsoshehadbeentwicetoFecamptopickupagoodFrenchaccentfromtheAmericansstayingthere；consequentlyshehadaknowledgeoftheworldwhichmightbeconsideredusefulindealingswithaworldling。
　　HencethecongratulationsinthefamilywhenAmabelundertookthereformationofitswaywardmember。
　　Amabelcommencedoperationsbyaskingherunsuspectingpupiltoteainthevicaragegarden；shebelievedinthehealthyinfluenceofnaturalsurroundings，neverhavingbeeninSicily，wherethingsaredifferent。
　　Andlikeeverywomanwhohaseverpreachedrepentancetounregenerateyouth，shedweltonthesinofanemptylife，whichalwaysseemssomuchmorescandalousinthecountry，wherepeopleriseearlytoseeifanewstrawberryhashappenedduringthenight。
　　Reginaldrecalledtheliliesofthefield，"whichsimplysatandlookedbeautiful，anddefiedcompetition。"
　　"Butthatisnotanexampleforustofollow，"gaspedAmabel。
　　"Unfortunately，wecan’taffordto。Youdon’tknowwhataworldoftroubleItakeintryingtorivaltheliliesintheirartisticsimplicity。"
　　"Youarereallyindecentlyvainofyourappearance。Agoodlifeisinfinitelypreferabletogoodlooks。"
　　"Youagreewithmethatthetwoareincompatible。Ialwayssaybeautyisonlysindeep。"
　　Amabelbegantorealisethatthebattleisnotalwaystothestrong—minded。Withtheimmemorialresourceofhersex，sheabandonedthefrontalattack，andlaidstressonherunassistedlaboursinparishwork，hermentalloneliness，herdiscouragements——andattherightmomentsheproducedstrawberriesandcream。Reginaldwasobviouslyaffectedbythelatter，andwhenhispreceptresssuggestedthathemightbeginthestrenuouslifebyhelpinghertosupervisetheannualoutingofthebucolicinfantswhocomposedthelocalchoir，hiseyesshonewiththedangerousenthusiasmofaconvert。
　　Reginaldenteredonthestrenuouslifealone，asfarasAmabelwasconcerned。Themostvirtuouswomenarenotproofagainstdampgrass，andAmabelkeptherbedwithacold。
　　Reginaldcalleditadispensation；ithadbeenthedreamofhislifetostage—manageachoirouting。Withstrategicinsight，heledhisshy，bullet—headedchargestothenearestwoodlandstreamandallowedthemtobathe；thenheseatedhimselfontheirdiscardedgarmentsanddiscoursedontheirimmediatefuture，which，hedecreed，wastoembraceaBacchanalianprocessionthroughthevillage。Forethoughthadprovidedtheoccasionwithasupplyoftinwhistles，buttheintroductionofahe—goatfromaneighbouringorchardwasabrilliantafterthought。Properly，Reginaldexplained，thereshouldhavebeenanoutfitofpantherskins；asitwas，thosewhohadspottedhandkerchiefswereallowedtowearthem，whichtheydidwiththankfulness。Reginaldrecognisedtheimpossibility，inthetimeathisdisposal，ofteachinghisshiveringneophytesachantinhonourofBacchus，sohestartedthemoffwithamorefamiliar，iflessappropriate，temperancehymn。Afterall，hesaid，itisthespiritofthethingthatcounts。Followingtheetiquetteofdramaticauthorsonfirstnights，heremaineddiscreetlyinthebackgroundwhiletheprocession，withextremediffidenceandthegoat，wounditswaylugubriouslytowardsthevillage。
　　Thesinginghaddieddownlongbeforethemainstreetwasreached，butthemiserablewailingofpipesbroughttheinhabitantstotheirdoors。Reginaldsaidhehadseensomethinglikeitinpictures；thevillagershadseennothinglikeitintheirlives，andremarkedasmuchfreely。
　　Reginald’sfamilyneverforgavehim。Theyhadnosenseofhumour。
　　REGINALDONWORRIES
　　Ihave（saidReginald）anauntwhoworries。She’snotreallyanaunt——asortofamateurone，andtheyaren’treallyworries。Sheisasocialsuccess，andhasnodomestictragediesworthspeakingof，sosheadoptsanydecorativesorrowsthataregoing，myselfincluded。Inthatwayshe’stheantithesis，orwhateveryoucallit，tothosesweet，uncomplainingwomenoneknowswhohaveseentrouble，andwornblinkerseversince。Ofcourse，onejustlovesthemforit，butImustconfesstheymakemeuncomfy；theyremindonesoofaduckthatgoesflappingaboutwithforcedcheerfulnesslongafteritshead’sbeencutoff。DuckshaveNOrepose。
　　Now，myaunthasashadeofhairthatsuitsher，andacookwhoquarrelswiththeotherservants，whichisalwaysahopefulsign，andaconsciencethat’sabsenteeforaboutelevenmonthsoftheyear，andonlyturnsupatLenttoannoyherhusband’speople，whoareconsiderablyLowerthantheangels，sotospeak：withallthesenaturaladvantages——shesaysherparticulartintofbronzeisanaturaladvantage，andtherecanbenotwoopinionsastotheadvantage——ofcourseshehastosendoutforherafflictions，likethoserestaurantswheretheyhaven’tgotalicence。Thesystemhasthisadvantage，thatyoucanfityourunhappinessesinwithyourotherengagements，whereasrealworrieshaveawayofarrivingatmeal—times，andwhenyou’redressing，orothersolemnmoments。Iknewacanaryoncethathadbeentryingformonthsandyearstohatchoutafamily，andeveryonelookeduponitasablamelessinfatuation，likethesaleofDelagoaBay，whichwouldbeanannuallosstothePressagenciesifitevercametopass；andonedaythebirdreallydidbringitoff，inthemiddleoffamilyprayers。Isaythemiddle，butitwasalsotheend：youcan’tgoonbeingthankfulfordailybreadwhenyouarewonderingwhatonearthverynewcanariesexpecttobefedon。
　　Atpresentshe’sratherinaBalkanstateofmindaboutthetreatmentoftheJewsinRoumania。Personally，IthinktheJewshaveestimablequalities；they’resokindtotheirpoor—
　　—andtoourrich。IdaresayinRoumaniathecostoflivingbeyondone’sincomeisn’tsogreat。Overherethetroubleisthatsomanypeoplewhohavemoneytothrowaboutseemtohavesuchvagueideaswheretothrowit。Thatfund，forinstance，torelievethevictimsofsuddendisasters——whatisasuddendisaster？There’sMarionMulciber，whoWOULDthinkshecouldplaybridge，justasshewouldthinkshecouldridedownahillonabicycle；onthatoccasionshewenttoahospital，nowshe’sgoneintoaSisterhood——lostallshehad，youknow，andgavetheresttoHeaven。Still，youcan’tcallitasuddencalamity；THAToccurredwhenpoordearMarionwasborn。Thedoctorssaidatthetimethatshecouldn’tlivemorethanafortnight，andshe’sbeentryingeversincetoseeifshecould。Womenaresoopinionated。
　　Andthenthere’stheEducationQuestion——notthatIcanseethatthere’sanythingtoworryaboutinthatdirection。Tomymind，educationisanabsurdlyover—ratedaffair。Atleast，onenevertookitveryseriouslyatschool，whereeverythingwasdonetobringitprominentlyunderone’snotice。Anythingthatisworthknowingonepracticallyteachesoneself，andtherestobtrudesitselfsoonerorlater。Thereasonone’seldersknowsocomparativelylittleisbecausetheyhavetounlearnsomuchthattheyacquiredbywayofeducationbeforewewereborn。OfcourseI’mabelieverinNature—study；asIsaidtoLadyBeauwhistle，ifyouwantalessoninelaborateartificiality，justwatchthestudiedunconcernofaPersiancatenteringacrowdedsalon，andthengoandpractiseitforafortnight。TheBeauwhistlesweren’tborninthePurple，youknow，butthey’regettingthereontheinstalmentsystem——somuchdown，andtherestwhenyoufeellikeit。Theyhavekindhearts，andtheyneverforgetbirthdays。Iforgetwhathewas，somethingintheCity，wherethepatriotismcomesfrom；andshe——oh，well，herfrocksarebuiltinParis，butshewearsthemwithastrongEnglishaccent。Sopublic—spiritedofher。Ithinkshemusthavebeenverystrictlybroughtup，she’ssodesperatelyanxioustodothewrongthingcorrectly。
　　Notthatitreallymattersnowadays，asItoldher：Iknowsomeperfectlyvirtuouspeoplewhoarereceivedeverywhere。
　　REGINALDONHOUSE—PARTIES
　　Thedrawbackis，oneneverreallyKNOWSone’shostsandhostesses。Onegetstoknowtheirfox—terriersandtheirchrysanthemums，andwhetherthestoryaboutthego—cartcanbeturnedlooseinthedrawing—room，ormustbetoldprivatelytoeachmemberoftheparty，forfearofshockingpublicopinion；butone’shostandhostessareasortofhumanhinterlandthatoneneverhasthetimetoexplore。
　　TherewasafellowIstayedwithonceinWarwickshirewhofarmedhisownland，butwasotherwisequitesteady。Shouldneverhavesuspectedhimofhavingasoul，yetnotverylongafterwardsheelopedwithalion—tamer’swidowandsetupasagolf—instructorsomewhereonthePersianGulf；dreadfullyimmoral，ofcourse，becausehewasonlyanindifferentplayer，butstill，itshowedimagination。Hiswifewasreallytobepitied，becausehehadbeentheonlypersoninthehousewhounderstoodhowtomanagethecook’stemper，andnowshehastoput"D。V。"onherdinnerinvitations。Still，that’sbetterthanadomesticscandal；awomanwholeaveshercookneverwhollyrecoversherpositioninSociety。
　　Isupposethesamethingholdsgoodwiththehosts；theyseldomhavemorethanasuperficialacquaintancewiththeirguests，andsooftenjustwhentheydogettoknowyouabitbetter，theyleaveoffknowingyoualtogether。TherewasRATHERabreathofwinterintheairwhenIleftthoseDorset—shirepeople。Yousee，theyhadaskedmedowntoshoot，andI’mnotparticularlyimmenseatthatsortofthing。There’ssuchadeadlysamenessaboutpartridges；whenyou’vemissedone，you’vemissedthelot——atleast，that’sbeenmyexperience。Andtheytriedtoragmeinthesmoking—
　　roomaboutnotbeingabletohitabirdatfiveyards，asortofbovineraggingthatsuggestedcowsbuzzingroundagadflyandthinkingtheywereteasingit。SoIgotupthenextmorningatearlydawn——Iknowitwasdawn，becausetherewerelark—noisesinthesky，andthegrasslookedasifithadbeenleftoutallnight——andhuntedupthemostconspicuousthinginthebirdlinethatIcouldfind，andmeasuredthedistance，asnearlyasitwouldletme，andshotawayallI
　　knew。Theysaidafterwardsthatitwasatamebird；that’ssimplySILLY，becauseitwasawfullywildatthefirstfewshots。Afterwardsitquieteddownabit，andwhenitslegshadstoppedwavingfarewellstothelandscapeIgotagardener—boytodragitintothehall，whereeverybodymustseeitontheirwaytothebreakfast—room。Ibreakfastedupstairsmyself。Igatheredafterwardsthatthemealwastingedwithaveryunchristianspirit。Isupposeit’sunluckytobringpeacock’sfeathersintoahouse；anyway，therewasablue—pencillylookinmyhostess’seyewhenI
　　tookmydeparture。
　　Somehostesses，ofcourse，willforgiveanything，evenuntopavonicide（istheresuchaword？），aslongasoneisnice—
　　lookingandsufficientlyunusualtocounterbalancesomeoftheothers；andthereAREothers——thegirl，forinstance，whoreadsMeredith，andappearsatmealswithunnaturalpunctualityinafrockthat’smadeathomeandrepentedatleisure。SheeventuallyfindsherwaytoIndiaandgetsmarried，andcomeshometoadmiretheRoyalAcademy，andtoimaginethatanindifferentprawncurryisforeveraneffectivesubstituteforallthatwehavebeentaughttobelieveisluncheon。It’sthenthatsheisreallydangerous；
　　butatherworstsheisneverquitesobadasthewomanwhofiresExchangeandMartquestionsatyouwithouttheleastprovocation。Imaginetheotherday，justwhenIwasdoingmybesttounderstandhalfthethingsIwassaying，beingaskedbyoneofthoseseekersaftercountryhometruthshowmanyfowlsshecouldkeepinaruntenfeetbysix，orwhateveritwas！Itoldherwholecrowds，aslongasshekeptthedoorshut，andtheideadidn’tseemtohavestruckherbefore；atleast，shebroodedoveritfortherestofdinner。
　　Ofcourse，asIsay，oneneverreallyKNOWSone’sground，andonemaymakemistakesoccasionally。Butthenone’smistakessometimesturnoutassetsinthelong—run：ifwehadneverbungledawayourAmericancolonieswemightneverhavehadtheboyfromtheStatestoteachushowtowearourhairandcutourclothes，andwemustgetourideasfromsomewhere，I
　　suppose。EventheHooliganwasprobablyinventedinChinacenturiesbeforewethoughtofhim。Englandmustwakeup，astheDukeofDevonshiresaidtheotherday；wasn’tit？Oh，well，itwassomeoneelse。NotthatIeverindulgeindespairabouttheFuture；therealwayshavebeenmenwhohavegoneaboutdespairingoftheFuture，andwhentheFuturearrivesitsaysnice，superiorthingsabouttheirhavingactedaccordingtotheirlights。Itisdreadfultothinkthatotherpeople’sgrandchildrenmayonedayriseupandcalloneamiable。
　　TherearemomentswhenonesympathiseswithHerod。