REGINALDATTHECARLTON
　　"Amostvariableclimate，"saidtheDuchess；"andhowunfortunatethatweshouldhavehadthatverycoldweatheratatimewhencoalwassodear！Sodistressingforthepoor。"
　　"SomeonehasobservedthatProvidenceisalwaysonthesideofthebigdividends，"remarkedReginald。
　　TheDuchessateananchovyinashockedmanner；shewassufficientlyold—fashionedtodislikeirreverencetowardsdividends。
　　Reginaldhadlefttheselectionofafeeding—groundtoherwomanlyintuition，buthechosethewinehimself，knowingthatwomanlyintuitionstopsshortatclaret。Awomanwillcheerfullychoosehusbandsforherlessattractivefriends，ortakesidesinapoliticalcontroversywithouttheleastknowledgeoftheissuesinvolved——butnowomanevercheerfullychoseaclaret。
　　"Horsd’oeuvreshavealwaysapatheticinterestforme，"saidReginald："theyremindmeofone’schildhoodthatonegoesthrough，wonderingwhatthenextcourseisgoingtobelike——
　　andduringtherestofthemenuonewishesonehadeatenmoreofthehorsd’oeuvres。Don’tyoulovewatchingthedifferentwayspeoplehaveofenteringarestaurant？Thereisthewomanwhoracesinasthoughherwholeschemeoflifewereheldtogetherbyaone—pindespotismwhichmightabdicateitsfunctionsatanymoment；it’sreallyarelieftoseeherreachherchairinsafety。Thentherearethepeoplewhotroopinwithan—unpleasant—duty—to—performair，asiftheywereangelsofDeathenteringaplaguecity。YouseethattypeofBritonverymuchinhotelsabroad。AndnowadaystherearealwaystheJohannesbourgeois，whobringaCape—to—
　　Cairoatmospherewiththem——whatmaybecalledtheRandManner，Isuppose。"
　　"Talkingabouthotelsabroad，"saidtheDuchess，"IampreparingnotesforalectureattheClubontheeducationaleffectsofmoderntravel，dealingchieflywiththemoralsideofthequestion。IwastalkingtoLadyBeauwhistle’saunttheotherday——she’sjustcomebackfromParis，youknow。
　　Suchasweetwoman"—
　　"Andsosilly。Inthesedaysoftheover—educationofwomenshe’squiterefreshing。TheysaysomepeoplewentthroughthesiegeofPariswithoutknowingthatFranceandGermanywereatwar；buttheBeauwhistleauntiscreditedwithhavingpassedthewholewinterinParisundertheimpressionthattheHumbertswereakindofbicycle……Isn’tthereabishoporsomebodywhobelievesweshallmeetalltheanimalswehaveknownonearthinanotherworld？HowfrightfullyembarrassingtomeetawholeshoalofwhitebaityouhadlastknownatPrince’s！I’msureinmynervousnessIshouldtalkofnothingbutlemons。Still，Idaresaytheywouldbequiteasoffendedifonehadn’teatenthem。IknowifIwereservedupatacannibalfeastIshouldbedreadfullyannoyedifanyonefoundfaultwithmefornotbeingtenderenough，orhavingbeenkepttoolong。"
　　"Myideaaboutthelecture，"resumedtheDuchesshurriedly，"istoinquirewhetherpromiscuousContinentaltraveldoesn’ttendtoweakenthemoralfibreofthesocialconscience。
　　Therearepeopleoneknows，quitenicepeoplewhentheyareinEngland，whoaresoDIFFERENTwhentheyareanywheretheothersideoftheChannel。"
　　"ThepeoplewithwhatIcallTauchnitzmorals，"observedReginald。"Onthewhole，Ithinktheygetthebestoftwoverydesirableworlds。And，afterall，theychargesomuchforexcessluggageonsomeofthoseforeignlinesthatit’sreallyaneconomytoleaveone’sreputationbehindoneoccasionally。"
　　"Ascandal，mydearReginald，isasmuchtobeavoidedatMonacooranyofthoseplacesasatExeter，letussay。"
　　"Scandal，mydearIrene——ImaycallyouIrene，mayn’tI？"
　　"Idon’tknowthatyouhaveknownmelongenoughforthat。"
　　"I’veknownyoulongerthanyourgod—parentshadwhentheytookthelibertyofcallingyouthatname。Scandalismerelythecompassionateallowancewhichthegaymaketothehumdrum。Thinkhowmanyblamelesslivesarebrightenedbytheblazingindiscretionsofotherpeople。Tellme，whoisthewomanwiththeoldlaceatthetableonourleft？Oh，THATdoesn’tmatter；it’squitethethingnowadaystostareatpeopleasiftheywereyearlingsatTattersall’s。"
　　"Mrs。Spelvexit？Quiteacharmingwoman；separatedfromherhusband"—
　　"Incompatibilityofincome？"
　　"Oh，nothingofthatsort。Bymilesoffrozenocean，Iwasgoingtosay。Heexploresice—floesandstudiesthemovementsofherrings，andhaswrittenamostinterestingbookonthehome—lifeoftheEsquimaux；butnaturallyhehasverylittlehome—lifeofhisown。"
　　"AhusbandwhocomeshomewiththeGulfStreamWOULDberatheratied—upasset。"
　　"Hiswifeisexceedinglysensibleaboutit。Shecollectspostage—stamps。Sucharesource。ThosepeoplewithheraretheWhimples，veryoldacquaintancesofmine；they’realwayshavingtrouble，poorthings。"
　　"Troubleisnotoneofthosefanciesyoucantakeupanddropatanymoment；it’slikeagrouse—moorortheopium—habit——
　　onceyoustartityou’vegottokeepitup。"
　　"Theireldestsonwassuchadisappointmenttothem；theywantedhimtobealinguist，andspentnoendofmoneyonhavinghimtaughttospeak——oh，dozensoflanguages！——andthenhebecameaTrappistmonk。Andtheyoungest，whowasintendedfortheAmericanmarriagemarket，hasdevelopedpoliticaltendencies，andwritespamphletsaboutthehousingofthepoor。Ofcourseit’samostimportantquestion，andI
　　devoteagooddealoftimetoitmyselfinthemornings；but，asLauraWhimplesays，it’saswelltohaveanestablishmentofone’sownbeforeagitatingaboutotherpeople’s。Shefeelsitverykeenly，butshealwaysmaintainsacheerfulappetite，whichIthinkissounselfishofher。"
　　"Therearedifferentwaysoftakingdisappointment。TherewasagirlIknewwhonursedawealthyunclethroughalongillness，bornebyherwithChristianfortitude，andthenhediedandlefthismoneytoaswine—feverhospital。Shefoundshe’daboutclearedstockinfortitudebythattime，andnowshegivesdrawing—roomrecitations。That’swhatIcallbeingvindictive。"
　　"Lifeisfullofitsdisappointments，"observedtheDuchess，"andIsupposetheartofbeinghappyistodisguisethemasillusions。Butthat，mydearReginald，becomesmoredifficultasonegrowsolder。"
　　"Ithinkit’smoregenerallypractisedthanyouimagine。Theyounghaveaspirationsthatnevercometopass，theoldhavereminiscencesofwhatneverhappened。It’sonlythemiddle—
　　agedwhoarereallyconsciousoftheirlimitations——thatiswhyoneshouldbesopatientwiththem。Butoneneveris。"
　　"Afterall，"saidtheDuchess，"thedisillusionsoflifemaydependonourwayofassessingit。Inthemindsofthosewhocomeafteruswemayberememberedforqualitiesandsuccesseswhichwequiteleftoutofthereckoning。"
　　"It’snotalwayssafetodependonthecommemorativetendenciesofthosewhocomeafterus。Theremayhavebeendisillusionmentsinthelivesofthemediaevalsaints，buttheywouldscarcelyhavebeenbetterpleasediftheycouldhaveforeseenthattheirnameswouldbeassociatednowadayschieflywithracehorsesandthecheaperclarets。Andnow，ifyoucantearyourselfawayfromthesaltedalmonds，we’llgoandhavecoffeeunderthepalmsthataresonecessaryforourdiscomfort。"
　　REGINALDONBESETTINGSINS
　　THEWOMANWHOTOLDTHETRUTH
　　Therewasonce（saidReginald）awomanwhotoldthetruth。
　　Notallatonce，ofcourse，butthehabitgrewuponhergradually，likelichenonanapparentlyhealthytree。Shehadnochildren——otherwiseitmighthavebeendifferent。Itbeganwithlittlethings，fornoparticularreasonexceptthatherlifewasaratheremptyone，anditissoeasytoslipintothehabitoftellingthetruthinlittlematters。
　　Andthenitbecamedifficulttodrawthelineatmoreimportantthings，untilatlastshetooktotellingthetruthaboutherage；shesaidshewasforty—twoandfivemonths——bythattime，yousee，shewasveraciouseventomonths。Itmayhavebeenpleasingtotheangels，buthereldersisterwasnotgratified。OntheWoman’sbirthday，insteadoftheopera—ticketswhichshehadhopedfor，hersistergaveheraviewofJerusalemfromtheMountofOlives，whichisnotquitethesamething。Therevengeofaneldersistermaybelongincoming，but，likeaSouth—Easternexpress，itarrivesinitsowngoodtime。
　　ThefriendsoftheWomantriedtodissuadeherfromover—
　　indulgenceinthepractice，butshesaidshewasweddedtothetruth；whereuponitwasremarkedthatitwasscarcelylogicaltobesomuchtogetherinpublic。（Noreallyprovidentwomanlunchesregularlywithherhusbandifshewishestoburstuponhimasarevelationatdinner。Hemusthavetimetoforget；anafternoonisnotenough。）Andafterawhileherfriendsbegantothinoutinpatches。Herpassionforthetruthwasnotcompatiblewithalargevisiting—list。Forinstance，shetoldMiriamKlopstockEXACTLYhowshelookedattheIlexes’ball。CertainlyMiriamhadaskedforhercandidopinion，buttheWomanprayedinchurcheverySundayforpeaceinourtime，anditwasnotconsistent。
　　Itwasunfortunate，everyoneagreed，thatshehadnofamily；
　　withachildortwointhehouse，thereisanunconsciouscheckupontoofreeanindulgenceinthetruth。Childrenaregivenustodiscourageourbetteremotions。Thatiswhythestage，withallitsefforts，canneverbeasartificialaslife；eveninanIbsendramaonemustrevealtotheaudiencethingsthatonewouldsuppressbeforethechildrenorservants。
　　Fatemayhaveordainedthetruth—tellingfromthecommencementandshouldjustlybearsomeoftheblame；butinhavingnochildrentheWomanwasguilty，atleast，ofcontributorynegligence。
　　Littlebylittleshefeltshewasbecomingaslavetowhathadoncebeenmerelyanidlepropensity；andonedaysheknew。Everywomantellsninetypercent，ofthetruthtoherdressmaker；theothertenpercent，istheirreducibleminimumofdeceptionbeyondwhichnoself—respectingclienttrespasses。MadameDraga’sestablishmentwasameeting—
　　groundfornakedtruthsandoverdressedfictions，anditwashere，theWomanfelt，thatshemightmakeafinalefforttorecalltheartlessmendacityofpastdays。Madameherselfwasinaninspiringmood，withtheairofasphinxwhoknewallthingsandpreferredtoforgetmostofthem。AsaWarMinistershemighthavebeencelebrated，butshewascontenttobemerelyrich。
　　"IfItakeitinhere，and——MissHoward，onemoment，ifyouplease——andthere，androundlikethis——so——Ireallythinkyouwillfinditquiteeasy。"
　　TheWomanhesitated；itseemedtorequiresuchasmallefforttosimplyacquiesceinMadame’sviews。Buthabithadbecometoostrong。"I’mafraid，"shefaltered，"it’sjusttheleastlittlebitintheworldtoo"—
　　Andbythatleastlittlebitshemeasuredthedeepsandeternitiesofherthraldomtofact。Madamewasnotbestpleasedatbeingcontradictedonaprofessionalmatter，andwhenMadamelosthertemperyouusuallyfounditafterwardsinthebill。
　　Andatlastthedreadfulthingcame，astheWomanhadforeseenallalongthatitmust；itwasoneofthosepaltrylittletruthswithwhichsheharriedherwakinghours。OnarawWednesdaymorning，inafewill—chosenwords，shetoldthecookthatshedrank。SherememberedthesceneafterwardsasvividlyasthoughithadbeenpaintedinhermindbyAbbey。Thecookwasagoodcook，ascooksgo；andascooksgoshewent。
　　MiriamKlopstockcametolunchthenextday。Womenandelephantsneverforgetaninjury。
　　REGINALD’SDRAMA
　　Reginaldclosedhiseyeswiththeelaboratewearinessofonewhohasratherniceeyelashesandthinksituselesstoconcealthefact。
　　"Oneofthesedays，"hesaid，"Ishallwriteareallygreatdrama。Noonewillunderstandthedriftofit，buteveryonewillgobacktotheirhomeswithavaguefeelingofdissatisfactionwiththeirlivesandsurroundings。Thentheywillputupnewwall—papersandforget。"
　　"Buthowaboutthosethathaveoakpanellingalloverthehouse？"saidtheOther。
　　"Theycanalwaysputdownnewstair—carpets，"pursuedReginald，"and，anyhow，I’mnotresponsiblefortheaudiencehavingahappyending。Theplaywouldbequitesufficientstrainonone’senergies。Ishouldgetabishoptosayitwasimmoralandbeautiful——nodramatisthasthoughtofthatbefore，andeveryonewouldcometocondemnthebishop，andtheywouldstayonoutofsheernervousness。Afterall，itrequiresagreatdealofmoralcouragetoleaveinamarkedmannerinthemiddleofthesecondact，whenyourcarriageisn’torderedtilltwelve。Anditwouldcommencewithwolvesworryingsomethingonalonelywaste——youwouldn’tseethem，ofcourse；butyouwouldhearthemsnarlingandscrunching，andIshouldarrangetohaveawolfyfragrancesuggestedacrossthefootlights。Itwouldlooksowellontheprogrammes，’Wolvesinthefirstact，byJamrach。’AndoldLadyWhortleberry，whonevermissesafirstnight，wouldscream。She’salwaysbeennervoussinceshelostherfirsthusband。Hediedquiteabruptlywhilewatchingacountycricketmatch；twoandahalfinchesofrainhadfallenforsevenruns，anditwassupposedthattheexcitementkilledhim。Anyhow，itgaveherquiteashock；itwasthefirsthusbandshe’dlost，youknow，andnowshealwaysscreamsifanythingthrillinghappenstoosoonafterdinner。AndaftertheaudiencehadheardtheWhortleberryscreamthethingwouldbefairlylaunched。"
　　"Andtheplot？"
　　"Theplot，"saidReginald，"wouldbeoneofthoselittleeverydaytragediesthatoneseesgoingonallroundone。Inmymind’seyethereisthecaseoftheMudge—Jervises，whichinanunpretentiouswayhasquiteanEnochArdenintensityunderlyingit。They’donlybeenmarriedsomeeighteenmonthsorso，andcircumstanceshadpreventedtheirseeingmuchofeachother。Withhimtherewasalwaysafoursomeorsomethingthathadtobeplayedandreplayedindifferentpartsofthecountry，andshewentinforslummingquiteasseriouslyasifitwasasport。Withher，Isuppose，itwas。
　　ShebelongedtotheGuildofthePoorDearSouls，andtheyholdtherecordforhavingnearlyreformedawasherwoman。Noonehaseverreallyreformedawasherwoman，andthatiswhythecompetitionissokeen。Youcanrescuecharwomenbyfiftieswithalittleteaandpersonalmagnetism，butwithwasherwomenit’sdifferent；wagesaretoohigh。Thisparticularlaundress，whocamefromBermondseyorsomesuchplace，wasreallyratherahopefulventure，andtheythoughtatlastthatshemightbesafelyputinthewindowasaspecimenofsuccessfulwork。Sotheyhadherparadedatadrawing—room"AtHome"atAgathaCamelford’s；itwassheerbadluckthatsomeliqueurchocolateshadbeenturnedloosebymistakeamongtherefreshments——reallyliqueurchocolates，withverylittlechocolate。Andofcoursetheoldsoulfoundthemout，andcorneredtheentirestock。Itwaslikefindingawhelk—stallinadesert，assheafterwardspartiallyexpressedherself。Whentheliqueursbegantotakeeffect，shestartedtogivethemimitationsoffarmyardanimalsastheyknowtheminBermondsey。Shebeganwithadancingbear，andyouknowAgathadoesn’tapproveofdancing，exceptatBuckinghamPalaceunderpropersupervision。Andthenshegotuponthepianoandgavethemanorganmonkey；IgathershewentinforrealismratherthanaMaeterlinckiantreatmentofthesubjectFinally，shefellintothepianoandsaidshewasaparrotinacage，andforanimpromptuperformanceI
　　believeshewasveryword——perfect；noonehadheardanythinglikeit，exceptBaronessBoobelsteinwhohasattendedsittingsoftheAustrianReichsrath。AgathaistryingtheRest—cureatBuxton。"
　　"Butthetragedy？"
　　"Oh，theMudge—Jervises。Well，theyweregettingalongquitehappily，andtheirmarriedlifewasonecontinuousexchangeofpicture—postcards；andthenonedaytheywerethrowntogetheronsomeneutralgroundwherefoursomesandwasherwomenoverlapped，anddiscoveredthattheywerehopelesslydividedontheFiscalQuestion。Theyhavethoughtitbesttoseparate，andsheistohavethecustodyofthePersiankittensforninemonthsintheyear——theygobacktohimforthewinter，whensheisabroad。Thereyouhavethematerialforatragedydrawnstraightfromlife——andthepiececouldbecalled’ThePriceTheyPaidforEmpire。’Andofcourseonewouldhavetoworkinstudiesofthestruggleofhereditarytendencyagainstenvironmentandallthatsortofthing。Thewoman’sfathercouldhavebeenanEnvoytosomeofthesmallerGermanCourts；that’swhereshe’dgetherpassionforvisitingthepoor，inspiteofthemostcarefulupbringing。C’estlepremierpaquicompte，asthecuckoosaidwhenitswalloweditsfoster—parent。That，Ithink，isquiteclever。"
　　"Andthewolves？"
　　"Oh，thewolveswouldbeasortofelusiveundercurrentinthebackgroundthatwouldneverbesatisfactorilyexplained。
　　Afterall，lifeteemswiththingsthathavenoearthlyreason。AndwheneverthecharacterscouldthinkofnothingbrillianttosayaboutmarriageortheWarOffice，theycouldopenawindowandlistentothehowlingofthewolves。Butthatwouldbeveryseldom。"
　　REGINALDONTARIFFS
　　I’mnotgoingtodiscusstheFiscalQuestion（saidReginald）；
　　Iwishtobeoriginal。Atthesametime，Ithinkonesuffersmorethanonerealisesfromthesystemoffreeimports。I
　　shouldlike，forinstance，areallyprohibitivedutyputuponthepartnerwhodeclaresonaweakredsuitandhopesforthebest。Evenafreeoutletforcompressedverbiagedoesn’tbalancematters。AndIthinkthereshouldbeasortofbounty—fedexport（isthattherightexpression？）ofthepeoplewhoimpressonyouthatyououghttotakelifeseriously。Thereareonlytwoclassesthatreallycan’thelptakinglifeseriously——schoolgirlsofthirteenandHohenzollerns；theymightbeexempt。Albanianscomeunderanotherheading；theytakelifewhenevertheygettheopportunity。TheoneAlbanianthatIwaseveronspeakingtermswithwasratheradecadentexample。HewasaChristianandagrocer，andIdon’tfancyhehadeverkilledanybody。
　　Ididn’tliketoquestionhimonthesubject——thatshowedmydelicacy。Mrs。NicoraxsaysIhavenodelicacy；shehasn’tforgivenmeaboutthemice。Yousee，whenIwasstayingdownthere，amouseusedtocake—walkaboutmyroomhalfthenight，andnoneoftheirsillypatenttrapsseemedtotakeitsfancyasabijouresidence，soIdeterminedtoappealtothebettersideofit——whichwithmiceistheinside。SoI
　　calleditPercy，andputlittledelicaciesdownnearitsholeeverynight，andthatkeptitquietwhileIreadMaxNordau’sDegenerationandotherreprovingliterature，andwenttosleep。Andnowshesaysthereisawholecolonyofmiceinthatroom。
　　Thatisn’twheretheindelicacycomesin。Shewentoutridingwithme，whichwasentirelyherownsuggestion，andaswewerecominghomethroughsomemeadowsshemadeaquiteunnecessaryattempttoseeifherponywouldjumparathermessysortofbrookthatwasthere。Itwouldn’t。Itwentwithherasfarasthewater’sedge，andfromthatpointMrs。
　　Nicoraxwentonalone。OfcourseIhadtofishheroutfromthebank，andmyriding—breechesarenotcutwithaviewtosalmon—fishing——it’sratheranarteventorideinthem。Herhabit—skirtwasoneofthoseopenquestionsthatneednotbeadheredtoinemergencies，andonthisoccasionitremainedbehindinsomewater—weeds。Shewantedmetofishaboutforthattoo，butIfeltIhaddoneenoughPharaoh’sdaughterbusinessforanOctoberafternoon，andIwasbeginningtowantmytea。SoIbundledherupontoherpony，andgaveheraleadtowardshomeasfastasIcaredtogo。Whatwiththewetandtheunusualresponsibility，herabridgedcostumedidnotstandthepaceparticularlywell，andshegotquitequerulouswhenIshoutedbackthatIhadnopinswithme——andnostring。Somewomenexpectsomuchfromafellow。Whenwegotintothedriveshewantedtogoupthebackwaytothestables，buttheponiesKNOWtheyalwaysgetsugaratthefrontdoor，andIneverattempttoholdapullingpony；asforMrs。Nicorax，ittookherallsheknewtokeepafirmhandonhersecedinggarments，which，ashermaidremarkedafterwards，weremoretoutthanensemble。Ofcoursenearlythewholehouse—partywereoutonthelawnwatchingthesunset——theonlydaythismonththatit’soccurredtothesuntoshowitself，asMrs。Nic。viciouslyobserved——andIshallneverforgettheexpressiononherhusband’sfaceaswepulledup。"Mydarling，thisistoomuch！"washisfirstspokencomment；takingintoconsiderationthestateofhertoilet，itwasthemostbrilliantthingIhadeverheardhimsay，andIwentintothelibrarytobealoneandscream。
　　Mrs。NicoraxsaysIhavenodelicacy。
　　Talkingabouttariffs，thelift—boy，whoreadsextensivelybetweenthelandings，saysitwon’tdototaxrawcommodities。What，exactly，isarawcommodity？Mrs。VanChallabysaysmenarerawcommoditiestillyoumarrythem；
　　afterthey’vestruckMrs。VanC。，Icanfancytheyprettysoonbecomeafinishedarticle。Certainlyshe’shadagooddealofexperiencetosupportheropinion。Shelostonehusbandinarailwayaccident，andmislaidanotherintheDivorceCourt，andthecurrentonehasjustgothimselfsqueezedinaBeefTrust。"WhatwashedoinginaBeefTrust，anyway？"sheaskedtearfully，andIsuggestedthatperhapshehadanunhappyhome。Ionlysaiditforthesakeofmakingconversation；whichitdid。Mrs。VanChallabysaidthingsaboutmewhichinhercalmermomentsshewouldhavehesitatedtospell。It’sapitypeoplecan’tdiscussfiscalmatterswithoutgettingwild。However，shewrotenextdaytoaskifIcouldgetheraYorkshireterrierofthesizeandshadethat’sbeingwornnow，andthat’sasnearasawomancanbeexpectedtogettoowningherselfinthewrong。Andshewilltieasalmon—pinkbowtoitscollar，andcallit"Reggie，"andtakeitwithhereverywhere——likepoorMiriamKlopstock，whoWOULDtakeherChowwithhertothebathroom，andwhileshewasbathingitwasplayingatshe—bearswithhergarments。Miriamisalwayslateforbreakfast，andshewasn’treallymissedtillthemiddleoflunch。
　　However，I’mnotgoinganyfurtherintotheFiscalQuestion。
　　OnlyIshouldliketobeprotectedfromthepartnerwithaweakredtendency。
　　REGINALD’SCHRISTMASREVEL
　　Theysay（saidReginald）thatthere’snothingsadderthanvictoryexceptdefeat。Ifyou’veeverstayedwithdullpeopleduringwhatisallegedtobethefestiveseason，youcanprobablyrevisethatsaying。IshallneverforgetputtinginaChristmasattheBabwolds’。Mrs。Babwoldissomerelationofmyfather’s——asortofto—be—left—till—
　　called—forcousin——andthatwasconsideredsufficientreasonformyhavingtoacceptherinvitationataboutthesixthtimeofasking；thoughwhythesinsofthefathershouldbevisitedbythechildren——youwon’tfindanynotepaperinthatdrawer；that’swhereIkeepoldmenusandfirst—nightprogrammes。
　　Mrs。Babwoldwearsarathersolemnpersonality，andhasneverbeenknowntosmile，evenwhensayingdisagreeablethingstoherfriendsormakingouttheStoreslist。Shetakesherpleasuressadly。AstateelephantataDurbargivesoneaverysimilarimpression。Herhusbandgardensinallweathers。Whenamangoesoutinthepouringraintobrushcaterpillarsoffrose—trees，Igenerallyimaginehislifeindoorsleavessomethingtobedesired；anyway，itmustbeveryunsettlingforthecaterpillars。
　　Ofcoursetherewereotherpeoplethere。TherewasaMajorSomebodywhohadshotthingsinLapland，orsomewhereofthatsort；Iforgetwhattheywere，butitwasn’tforwantofreminding。Wehadthemcoldwitheverymealalmost，andhewascontinuallygivingusdetailsofwhattheymeasuredfromtiptotip，asthoughhethoughtweweregoingtomakethemwarmunder—thingsforthewinter。IusedtolistentohimwitharaptattentionthatIthoughtrathersuitedme，andthenonedayIquitemodestlygavethedimensionsofanokapiIhadshotintheLincolnshirefens。TheMajorturnedabeautifulTyrianscarlet（IrememberthinkingatthetimethatIshouldlikemybathroomhunginthatcolour），andI
　　thinkthatatthatmomenthealmostfounditinhishearttodislikeme。Mrs。Babwoldputonafirst—aid—to—the—injuredexpression，andaskedhimwhyhedidn’tpublishabookofhissportingreminiscences；itwouldbeSOinteresting。Shedidn’tremembertillafterwardsthathehadgivenhertwofatvolumesonthesubject，withhisportraitandautographasafrontispieceandanappendixonthehabitsoftheArcticmussel。
　　Itwasintheeveningthatwecastasidethecaresanddistractionsofthedayandreallylived。Cardswerethoughttobetoofrivolousandemptyawayofpassingthetime，somostofthemplayedwhattheycalledabookgame。Youwentoutintothehall——togetaninspiration，Isuppose——thenyoucameinagainwithamufflertiedroundyourneckandlookedsilly，andtheothersweresupposedtoguessthatyouwere"WeeMacGreegor。"IheldoutagainsttheinanityaslongasIdecentlycould，butatlast，inalapseofgood—nature，I
　　consentedtomasqueradeasabook，onlyIwarnedthemthatitwouldtakesometimetocarryout。Theywaitedforthebestpartoffortyminutes，whileIwentandplayedwineglassskittleswiththepage—boyinthepantry；youplayitwithachampagnecork，youknow，andtheonewhoknocksdownthemostglasseswithoutbreakingthemwins。Iwon，withfourunbrokenoutofseven；IthinkWilliamsufferedfromover—
　　anxiousness。Theywererathermadinthedrawing—roomatmynothavingcomeback，andtheyweren’tabitpacifiedwhenI
　　toldthemafterwardsthatIwas"Attheendofthepassage。"
　　"IneverdidlikeKipling，"wasMrs。Babwold’scomment，whenthesituationdawneduponher。"Icouldn’tseeanythingcleverinEarthwormsoutofTuscany——oristhatbyDarwin？"
　　Ofcoursethesegamesareveryeducational，but，personally，Ipreferbridge。
　　OnChristmaseveningweweresupposedtobespeciallyfestiveintheOldEnglishfashion。Thehallwashorriblydraughty，butitseemedtobetheproperplacetorevelin，anditwasdecoratedwithJapanesefansandChineselanterns，whichgaveitaveryOldEnglisheffect。Ayoungladywithaconfidentialvoicefavoureduswithalongrecitationaboutalittlegirlwhodiedordidsomethingequallyhackneyed，andthentheMajorgaveusagraphicaccountofastrugglehehadwithawoundedbear。Iprivatelywishedthatthebearswouldwinsometimesontheseoccasions；atleasttheywouldn’tgovapouringaboutitafterwards。Beforewehadtimetorecoverourspirits，wewereindulgedwithsomethought—readingbyayoungmanwhomoneknewinstinctivelyhadagoodmotherandanindifferenttailor——thesortofyoungmanwhotalksunflagginglythroughthethickestsoup，andsmoothshishairdubiouslyasthoughhethoughtitmighthitback。Thethought—readingwasratherasuccess；heannouncedthatthehostesswasthinkingaboutpoetry，andsheadmittedthathermindwasdwellingononeofAustin’sodes。Whichwasnearenough。Ifancyshehadbeenreallywonderingwhetherascrag—endofmuttonandsomecoldplum—puddingwoulddoforthekitchendinnernextday。Asacrowningdissipation，theyallsatdowntoplayprogressivehalma，withmilk—chocolateforprizes。I’vebeencarefullybroughtup，andIdon’tliketoplaygamesofskillformilk—chocolate，soIinventedaheadacheandretiredfromthescene。IhadbeenprecededafewminutesearlierbyMissLangshan—Smith，aratherformidablelady，whoalwaysgotupatsomeuncomfortablehourinthemorning，andgaveyoutheimpressionthatshehadbeenincommunicationwithmostoftheEuropeanGovernmentsbeforebreakfast。Therewasapaperpinnedonherdoorwithasignedrequestthatshemightbecalledparticularlyearlyonthemorrow。Suchanopportunitydoesnotcometwiceinalifetime。Icoveredupeverythingexceptthesignaturewithanothernotice，totheeffectthatbeforethesewordsshouldmeettheeyeshewouldhaveendedamisspentlife，wassorryforthetroubleshewasgiving，andwouldlikeamilitaryfuneral。AfewminuteslaterIviolentlyexplodedanair—
　　filledpaperbagonthelanding，andgaveastagemoanthatcouldhavebeenheardinthecellars。ThenIpursuedmyoriginalintentionandwenttobed。Thenoisethosepeoplemadeinforcingopenthegoodlady’sdoorwaspositivelyindecorous；sheresistedgallantly，butIbelievetheysearchedherforbulletsforaboutaquarterofanhour，asifshehadbeenanhistoricbattlefield。
　　IhatetravellingonBoxingDay，butonemustoccasionallydothingsthatonedislikes。
　　REGINALD’SRUBAIYAT
　　Theotherday（confidedReginald），whenIwaskillingtimeinthebathroomandmakingbadresolutionsfortheNewYear，itoccurredtomethatIwouldliketobeapoet。Thechiefqualification，Iunderstand，isthatyoumustbeborn。Well，Ihuntedupmybirthcertificate，andfoundthatIwasallrightonthatscore，andthenIgottoworkonaHymntotheNewYear，whichstruckmeashavingpossibilities。Itsuggestedextremelyunusualthingstoabsolutelyunlikelypeople，whichIbelieveistheartoffirst—classcateringinanydepartment。Quitethebestverseinitwentsomethinglikethis—
　　"Haveyouheardthegroanofagravelledgrouse，Orthesnarlofasnaffledsnail（Husbandormother，likeme，orspouse），Haveyoulaina—creepinthedarkenedhouseWherethewoundedwombatswail？"
　　Itwasquiteimprobablethatanyonehad，youknow，andthat’swhereitstimulatedtheimaginationandtookpeopleoutoftheirnarrow，humdrumselves。Noonehasevercalledmenarroworhumdrum，butevenIfeltworkedupnowandthenatthethoughtofthathousewiththestrickenwombatsinit。
　　Itsimplywasn’tnice。Buttheeditorswereunanimousinleavingitalone；theysaidthethinghadbeendonebeforeanddoneworse，andthatthemarketforthatsortofworkwasextremelylimited。
　　ItwasjustonthetopofthatdiscouragementthattheDuchesswantedmetowritesomethinginheralbum——somethingPersian，youknow，andjustalittlebitdecadent——andI
　　thoughtaquatrainonanunwholesomeeggwouldmeettherequirementsofthecase。SoIstartedinwith—
　　"Cackle，cackle，littlehen，HowIwonderifandwhenOnceyoulaidtheeggthatI
　　Met，alas！toolate。Amen。"
　　TheDuchessobjectedtotheAmen，whichIthoughtgaveanairofforgivenessandchosejugeetothewholething；alsoshesaiditwasn’tPersianenough，asthoughIweretryingtosellherakittenwhosemotherhadmarriedforloveratherthanpedigree。SoIrecastitentirely，andthenewversionread—
　　"Thehenthatlaidtheemoonsago，whoknowsInwhatDeadYesterdayhershadesrepose；
　　TosomeelectionturnthywaningspanAndrainthyrottennessonfiscalfoes。"
　　Ithoughttherewasenoughsuggestionofdecayinthattosatisfyajackal，andtometherewassomethinginfinitelypatheticandappealingintheideaoftheegghavingasortofSt。Luke’ssummerofcommercialusefulness。ButtheDuchessbeggedmetoleaveoutanypoliticalallusions；she’sthepresidentofaWomen’sSomethingorother，andshesaiditmightbetakenasanendorsementofdeplorable，methods。
　　InevercanrememberwhichPartyIrenediscourageswithhersupport，butIshan’tforgetanoccasionwhenIwasstayingatherplaceandshegavemeapamphlettoleaveatthehouseofadoubtfulvoter，andsomegrapesandthingsforawomanwhowassufferingfromachillonthetopofapatentmedicine。Ithoughtitmuchcleverertogivethegrapestotheformerandthepoliticalliteraturetothesickwoman，andtheDuchesswasquiteabsurdlyannoyedaboutitafterwards。Itseemstheleafletwasaddressed"Tothoseabouttowobble"——Iwasn’tresponsibleforthesillytitleofthething——andthewomanneverrecovered；anyway，thevoterwascompletelywonoverbythegrapesandjellies，andI
　　thinkthatshouldhavebalancedmatters。TheDuchesscalleditbribery，andsaiditmighthavecompromisedthecandidateshewassupporting；hewasexpectedtosubscribetochurchfundsandchapelfunds，andfootballandcricketclubsandregattas，andbazaarsandbeanfeastsandbellringers，andpoultryshowsandploughingmatches，andreading—roomsandchoiroutings，andshootingtrophiesandtestimonials，andanythingofthatsort；butbriberywouldnothavebeentolerated。
　　IfancyIhaveperhapsmoretalentforelectioneeringthanforpoetry，andIwasreallygettingextendedoverthisquatrainbusiness。Theeggbegantobeunmanageable，andtheDuchesssuggestedsomethingwithaFrenchliteraryringaboutit。IhuntedbackinmymindforthemostfamiliarFrenchclassicthatIcouldtakelibertieswith，andafteralittleexerciseofmemoryIturnedoutthefollowing：—
　　"Hastthouthepenthatoncethegardenerhad？
　　Ihaveitnot；andknow，thesepearsarehad。
　　Oh，largerthanthehorsesofthePrinceArethosethegeneraldrivesinKaikobad。"
　　Eventhatdidn’taltogethersatisfyIrene；Ifancythegeographyofitpuzzledher。SheprobablythoughtKaikobadwasanunfashionableGermanspa，whereyou’dmeetmatrimonialbargain—huntersandemergencyServiankings。MytemperwasbeginningtoslipitsmooringsbythattimeIlookrathernicewhenIlosemytemper。（IhopedyouwouldsayIloseitveryoften。Imustn’tmonopolisetheconversation。）
　　"Ofcourse，ifyouwantsomethingreallyPersianandpassionate，withredwineandbulbulsinit，"Iwentontosuggest；butshegrabbedthebookawayfromme。
　　"Notforworlds。Nothingwithredwineorpassioninit。
　　DearAgathagavemethealbum，andshewouldbemortifiedtothequick"—
　　IsaidIdidn’tbelieveAgathahadaquick，andwegotquiteheatedinarguingthematter。Finally，theDuchessdeclaredIshouldn’twriteanythingnastyinherbook，andIsaidI
　　wouldn’twriteanythinginhernastybook，sotherewasn’taverywidepointofdifferencebetweenus。FortherestoftheafternoonIpretendedtobesulking，butIwasreallyworkingbacktothatquatrain，likeafox—terrierthat’sburiedadeferredlunchinaprivateflower—bed。WhenIgotanopportunityIhuntedupAgatha’sautograph，whichhadthefrontpagealltoitself，and，copyingherprimhandwritingaswellasIcould，IinsertedaboveitthefollowingThibetanfragment：—
　　"WithThee，oh，myBeloved，todoadak（adakIbelieveisasortofuncomfortablepost—journey）
　　Onthepack—saddleofagruntingyak，Withneverroomforchillingchaperone，’TwerebetterthanaPanhardinthePark。"
　　ThatAgathawouldgetontoayakincompanywithalovereveninthecomparativeseclusionofThibetisunthinkable。
　　Iverymuchdoubtifshe’ddoitwithherownhusbandintheprivacyoftheSimplontunnel。Butpoetry，asI’veremarkedbefore，shouldalwaysstimulatetheimagination。
　　Bytheway，whenyouaskedmetheotherdaytodinewithyouonthe14th，IsaidIwasdiningwiththeDuchess。Well，I’mnot。I’mdiningwithyou。
　　THEINNOCENCEOFREGINALD
　　Reginaldslidacarnationofthenewestshadeintothebuttonholeofhislatestloungecoat，andsurveyedtheresultwithapproval。"Iamjustinthemood，"heobserved，"tohavemyportraitpaintedbysomeonewithanunmistakablefuture。Socomfortingtogodowntoposterityas’YouthwithaPinkCarnation’incatalogue——companywith’ChildwithBunchofPrimroses，’andallthatcrowd。"
　　"Youth，"saidtheOther，"shouldsuggestinnocence。"
　　"Butneveractonthesuggestion。Idon’tbelievethetwoeverreallygotogether。Peopletalkvaguelyabouttheinnocenceofalittlechild，buttheytakemightygoodcarenottoletitoutoftheirsightfortwentyminutes。Thewatchedpotneverboilsover。Iknewaboyoncewhoreallywasinnocent；hisparentswereinSociety，buttheynevergavehimamoment’sanxietyfromhisinfancy。Hebelievedincompanyprospectuses，andinthepurityofelections，andinwomenmarryingforlove，andeveninasystemforwinningatroulette。Heneverquitelosthisfaithinit，buthedroppedmoremoneythanhisemployerscouldaffordtolose。
　　WhenlastIheardofhim，hewasbelievinginhisinnocence；
　　thejuryweren’t。Allthesame，Ireallyaminnocentjustnowofsomethingeveryoneaccusesmeofhavingdone，andsofarasIcansee，theiraccusationswillremainunfounded。"
　　"Ratheranunexpectedattitudeforyou。"
　　"Ilovepeoplewhodounexpectedthings。Didn’tyoualwaysadorethemanwhoslewalioninapitonasnowyday？Butaboutthisunfortunateinnocence。Well，quitelongago，whenI’dbeenquarrellingwithmorepeoplethanusual，youamongthenumber——itmusthavebeeninNovember，IneverquarrelwithyoutoonearChristmas——IhadanideathatI’dliketowriteabook。Itwastobeabookofpersonalreminiscences，andwastoleaveoutnothing。"
　　"Reginald！"
　　"ExactlywhattheDuchesssaidwhenImentionedittoher。I
　　wasprovokingandsaidnothing，andthenextthing，ofcourse，wasthateveryoneheardthatI’dwrittenthebookandgotitinthepress。Afterthat，Imighthavebeenagold—
　　fishinaglassbowlforalltheprivacyIgot。Peopleattackedmeaboutitinthemostunexpectedplaces，andimploredorcommandedmetoleaveoutthingsthatI’dforgottenhadeverhappened。IsatbehindMiriamKlopstockonenightinthedresscircleatHisMajesty’s，andshebeganatonceabouttheincidentoftheChowdoginthebathroom，whichsheinsistedmustbestruckout。Wehadtoargueitinadisjointedfashion，becausesomeofthepeoplewantedtolistentotheplay，andMiriamtakesninesinvoices。Theyhadtostopherplayinginthe’Macaws’HockeyClubbecauseyoucouldhearwhatshethoughtwhenhershinsgotmixedupinascrimmageforhalfamileonastillday。TheyarecalledtheMacawsbecauseoftheirblue—and—yellowcostumes，butIunderstandtherewasnothingyellowaboutMiriam’slanguage。Iagreedtomakeonealteration，asIpretendedI
　　hadgotitaSpitzinsteadofaChow，butbeyondthatIwasfirm。Shemegaphonedbacktwominuteslater，’Youpromisedyouwouldnevermentionit；don’tyoueverkeepapromise？’
　　Whenpeoplehadstoppedglaringinourdirection，IrepliedthatI’dassoonthinkofkeepingwhitemice。Isawhertearinglittlebitsoutofherprogrammeforaminuteortwo，andthensheleanedbackandsnorted，’You’renottheboyI
　　tookyoufor，’asthoughshewereaneaglearrivingatOlympuswiththewrongGanymede。Thatwasherlastaudibleremark，butshewentontearingupherprogrammeandscatteringthepiecesaroundher，tilloneofherneighboursaskedwithimmensedignitywhethersheshouldsendforawastepaperbasket。Ididn’tstayforthelastact。"
　　"ThenthereisMrs。——oh，Inevercanrememberhername；shelivesinastreetthatthecabmenhaveneverheardof，andisathomeonWednesdays。Shefrightenedmehorriblyonceataprivateviewbysayingmysteriously，’Ioughtn’ttobehere，youknow；thisisoneofmydays。’Ithoughtshemeantthatshewassubjecttoperiodicaloutbreaksandwasexpectinganattackatanymoment。SoembarrassingifshehadsuddenlytakenitintoherheadthatshewasCesarBorgiaorSt。
　　ElizabethofHungary。Thatsortofthingwouldmakeoneunpleasantlyconspicuousevenataprivateview。However，shemerelymeanttosaythatitwasWednesday，whichatthemomentwasincontrovertible。Well，she’sonquiteadifferenttacktotheKlopstock。Shedoesn’tvisitanywhereveryextensively，and，ofcourse，she’sawfullykeenformetodraginanincidentthatoccurredatoneoftheBeauwhistlegarden—parties，whenshesayssheaccidentallyhittheshinsofaSereneSomebodyorotherwithacroquetmalletandthathesworeatherinGerman。Asamatteroffact，hewentondiscoursingontheGordon—BennettaffairinFrench。（Inevercanrememberifit’sanewsubmarineoradivorce。Ofcourse，howstupidofme！）Tobedisagreeablyexact，Ifancyshemissedhimbyabouttwoinches——over—
　　anxiousness，probably——butshelikestothinkshehithim。
　　I’vefeltthatwaywithapartridgewhichIalwaysimaginekeepsonflyingstrong，outoffalsepride，tillit’stheothersideofthehedge。Shesaidshecouldtellmeeverythingshewaswearingontheoccasion。IsaidIdidn’twantmybooktoreadlikealaundrylist，butsheexplainedthatshedidn’tmeanthosesortofthings。"
　　"Andthere’stheChilworthboy，whocanbecharmingaslongashe’scontenttobestupidandwearwhathe’stoldto；buthegetstheideanowandthenthathe’dliketobeepigrammatic，andtheresultislikewatchingarooktryingtobuildanestinagale。Sincehegotwindofthebook，he’sbeenpersecutingmetoworkinsomethingofhisabouttheRussiansandtheYaluPeril，andisquitesulkybecauseI
　　won’tdoit。"
　　"Altogether，IthinkitwouldberatherabrilliantinspirationifyouweretosuggestafortnightinParis。"