“Iknowperfectlywellwhatyoumean,“answeredEverett,thoughtfully。“Ihaveoftenfeltsoabouthimmyself。Andyetit’sdifficulttoprescribeforthosefellows;solittlemakes,solittlemars。“
Katharineraisedherselfuponherelbow,andherfaceflushedwithfeverishearnestness。“Ah,butitisthewasteofhimselfthatImean;hislashinghimselfoutonstupidanduncomprehendingpeopleuntiltheytakehimattheirownestimate。
Hecankindlemarble,strikefirefromputty,butisitworthwhatitcostshim?“
“Come,come,“expostulatedEverett,alarmedatherexcitement。
“Whereisthenewsonata?Lethimspeakforhimself。“
Hesatdownatthepianoandbeganplayingthefirstmovement,whichwasindeedthevoiceofAdriance,hisproperspeech。Thesonatawasthemostambitiousworkhehaddoneuptothattimeandmarkedthetransitionfromhispurelylyricveintoadeeperandnoblerstyle。Everettplayedintelligentlyandwiththatsympatheticcomprehensionwhichseemspeculiartoacertainlovableclassofmenwhoneveraccomplishanythinginparticular。
WhenhehadfinishedheturnedtoKatharine。
“Howhehasgrown!“shecried。“Whatthethreelastyearshavedoneforhim!Heusedtowriteonlythetragediesofpassion;butthisisthetragedyofthesoul,theshadowcoexistentwiththesoul。Thisisthetragedyofeffortandfailure,thethingKeatscalledhell。Thisismytragedy,asIlieherespentbytheracecourse,listeningtothefeetoftherunnersastheypassme。
Ah,God!Theswiftfeetoftherunners!“
Sheturnedherfaceawayandcovereditwithherstraininghands。Everettcrossedovertoherquicklyandkneltbesideher。
Inallthedayshehadknownhershehadneverbefore,beyondanoccasionalironicaljest,givenvoicetothebitternessofherowndefeat。Hercouragehadbecomeapointofpridewithhim,andtoseeitgoingsickenedhim。
“Don’tdoit,“hegasped。“Ican’tstandit,Ireallycan’t,Ifeelittoomuch。Wemustn’tspeakofthat;it’stootragicandtoovast。“
Whensheturnedherfacebacktohimtherewasaghostoftheold,brave,cynicalsmileonit,morebitterthanthetearsshecouldnotshed。“No,Iwon’tbesoungenerous;IwillsavethatforthewatchesofthenightwhenIhavenobettercompany。Nowyoumaymixmeanotherdrinkofsomesort。Formerly,whenitwasnotifIshouldeversingBrunnhilde,butquitesimplywhenI
shouldsingBrunnhilde,IwasalwaysstarvingmyselfandthinkingwhatImightdrinkandwhatImightnot。Butbrokenmusicboxesmaydrinkwhatsoevertheylist,andnoonecareswhethertheylosetheirfigure。Runoverthatthemeatthebeginningagain。
That,atleast,isnotnew。ItwasrunninginhisheadwhenwewereinVeniceyearsago,andheusedtodrumitonhisglassatthedinnertable。Hehadjustbeguntoworkitoutwhenthelateautumncameon,andthepalenessoftheAdriaticoppressedhim,andhedecidedtogotoFlorenceforthewinter,andlosttouchwiththethemeduringhisillness。Doyourememberthosefrightfuldays?Allthepeoplewhohavelovedhimarenotstrongenoughtosavehimfromhimself!WhenIgotwordfromFlorencethathehadbeenillIwasinNicefillingaconcertengagement。
HiswifewashurryingtohimfromParis,butIreachedhimfirst。
Iarrivedatdusk,inaterrificstorm。Theyhadtakenanoldpalacethereforthewinter,andIfoundhiminthelibrary——along,darkroomfullofoldLatinbooksandheavyfurnitureandbronzes。Hewassittingbyawoodfireatoneendoftheroom,looking,oh,sowornandpale!——ashealwaysdoeswhenheisill,youknow。Ah,itissogoodthatyoudoknow!Evenhisredsmokingjacketlentnocolortohisface。Hisfirstwordswerenottotellmehowillhehadbeen,butthatthatmorninghehadbeenwellenoughtoputthelaststrokestothescoreofhisSouvenirsd’Automne。HewasasImostliketorememberhim:
socalmandhappyandtired;notgay,asheusuallyis,butjustcontentedandtiredwiththatheavenlytirednessthatcomesafteragoodworkdoneatlast。Outside,therainpoureddownintorrents,andthewindmoanedforthepainofalltheworldandsobbedinthebranchesoftheshiveringolivesandaboutthewallsofthatdesolatedoldpalace。Howthatnightcomesbacktome!
Therewerenolightsintheroom,onlythewoodfirewhichgloweduponthehardfeaturesofthebronzeDante,likethereflectionofpurgatorialflames,andthrewlongblackshadowsaboutus;beyondusitscarcelypenetratedthegloomatall,Adriancesatstaringatthefirewiththewearinessofallhislifeinhiseves,andofalltheotherlivesthatmustaspireandsuffertomakeuponesuchlifeashis。Somehowthewindwithallitsworld-painhadgotintotheroom,andthecoldrainwasinoureyes,andthewavecameupinbothofusatonce——thatawful,vague,universalpain,thatcoldfearoflifeanddeathandGodandhope——andwewereliketwoclingingtogetheronasparinmidoceanaftertheshipwreckofeverything。Thenweheardthefrontdooropenwithagreatgustofwindthatshookeventhewalls,andtheservantscamerunningwithlights,announcingthatMadamhadreturned,’andinthebookwereadnomorethatnight。’“
Shegavetheoldlinewithacertainbitterhumor,andwiththehard,brightsmileinwhichofoldshehadwrappedherweaknessasinaglitteringgarment。Thatironicalsmile,wornlikeamaskthroughsomanyyears,hadgraduallychangedeventhelinesofherfacecompletely,andwhenshelookedinthemirrorshesawnotherself,butthescathingcritic,theamusedobserverandsatiristofherself。Everettdroppedhisheaduponhishandandsatlookingattherug。“Howmuchyouhavecared!“hesaid。
“Ah,yes,Icared,“shereplied,closinghereyeswithalong-drawnsighofrelief;andlyingperfectlystill,shewenton:“Youcan’timaginewhatacomfortitistohaveyouknowhowI
cared,whatareliefitistobeabletotellittosomeone。I
usedtowanttoshriekitouttotheworldinthelongnightswhenIcouldnotsleep。ItseemedtomethatIcouldnotdiewithit。
Itdemandedsomesortofexpression。Andnowthatyouknow,youwouldscarcelybelievehowmuchlesssharptheanguishofitis。“
Everettcontinuedtolookhelplesslyatthefloor。“Iwasnotsurehowmuchyouwantedmetoknow,“hesaid。
“Oh,IintendedyoushouldknowfromthefirsttimeIlookedintoyourface,whenyoucamethatdaywithCharley。IflattermyselfthatIhavebeenabletoconcealitwhenIchose,thoughI
supposewomenalwaysthinkthat。Themoreobservingonesmayhaveseen,butdiscerningpeopleareusuallydiscreetandoftenkind,forweusuallybleedalittlebeforewebegintodiscern。
ButIwantedyoutoknow;youaresolikehimthatitisalmostliketellinghimhimself。Atleast,Ifeelnowthathewillknowsomeday,andthenIwillbequitesacredfromhiscompassion,forwenoneofusdarepitythedead。Sinceitwaswhatmylifehaschieflymeant,Ishouldlikehimtoknow。OnthewholeIamnotashamedofit。Ihavefoughtagoodfight。“
“Andhasheneverknownatall?“askedEverett,inathickvoice。
“Oh!Neveratallinthewaythatyoumean。Ofcourse,heisaccustomedtolookingintotheeyesofwomenandfindinglovethere;whenhedoesn’tfindittherehethinkshemusthavebeenguiltyofsomediscourtesyandismiserableaboutit。Hehasagenuinefondnessforeveryonewhoisnotstupidorgloomy,oroldorpreternaturallyugly。Grantedyouthandcheerfulness,andamoderateamountofwitandsometact,andAdriancewillalwaysbegladtoseeyoucomingaroundthecorner。Isharedwiththerest;sharedthesmilesandthegallantriesandthedrolllittlesermons。ItwasquitelikeaSunday-schoolpicnic;weworeourbestclothesandasmileandtookourturns。Itwashiskindnessthatwashardest。Ihaveprettywellusedmylifeupatstandingpunishment。“
“Don’t;you’llmakemehatehim,“groanedEverett。
Katharinelaughedandbegantoplaynervouslywithherfan。
“Itwasn’tintheslightestdegreehisfault;thatisthemostgrotesquepartofit。Why,ithadreallybegunbeforeI
evermethim。Ifoughtmywaytohim,andIdrankmydoomgreedilyenough。“
Everettroseandstoodhesitating。“IthinkImustgo。Yououghttobequiet,andIdon’tthinkIcanhearanymorejustnow。“
Sheputoutherhandandtookhisplayfully。“You’veputinthreeweeksatthissortofthing,haven’tyou?Well,itmayneverbetoyourgloryinthisworld,perhaps,butit’sbeenthemercyofheaventome,anditoughttosquareaccountsforamuchworselifethanyourswilleverbe。“
Everettkneltbesideher,saying,brokenly:“IstayedbecauseI
wantedtobewithyou,that’sall。IhavenevercaredaboutotherwomensinceImetyouinNewYorkwhenIwasalad。Youareapartofmydestiny,andIcouldnotleaveyouifIwould。“
Sheputherhandsonhisshouldersandshookherhead。“No,no;don’ttellmethat。Ihaveseenenoughoftragedy,Godknows。Don’tshowmeanymorejustasthecurtainisgoingdown。
No,no,itwasonlyaboy’sfancy,andyourdivinepityandmyutterpitiablenesshaverecalleditforamoment。Onedoesnotlovethedying,dearfriend。Ifsomefancyofthatsorthadbeenleftoverfromboyhood,thiswouldridyouofit,andthatwerewell。Nowgo,andyouwillcomeagaintomorrow,aslongastherearetomorrows,willyounot?“Shetookhishandwithasmilethatliftedthemaskfromhersoul,thatwasbothcourageanddespair,andfullofinfiniteloyaltyandtenderness,asshesaidsoftly:
Foreverandforever,farewell,Cassius;
Ifwedomeetagain,why,weshallsmile;
Ifnot,whythen,thispartingwaswellmade。
Thecourageinhereyeswasliketheclearlightofastartohimashewentout。