Everythinghesawwasdistastefultohim。Hehatedtheblueandwhite,theintensityanddefiniteness,thehumandheatofthesouth;
thelandscapeseemedtohimashardandasromanticasacardboardbackgroundonthestage,andthemountainbutawoodenscreenagainstasheetpaintedblue。Hewalkedfastinspiteoftheheatofthesun。
Tworoadsledoutofthetownontheeasternside;onebranchedofftowardstheAmbroses’villa,theotherstruckintothecountry,eventuallyreachingavillageontheplain,butmanyfootpaths,whichhadbeenstampedintheearthwhenitwaswet,ledofffromit,acrossgreatdryfields,toscatteredfarm-houses,andthevillasofrichnatives。Hewetsteppedofftheroadontooneofthese,inordertoavoidthehardnessandheatofthemainroad,thedustofwhichwasalwaysbeingraisedinsmallcloudsbycartsandramshackleflieswhichcarriedpartiesoffestivepeasants,orturkeysswellingunevenlylikeabundleofairballsbeneathanet,orthebrassbedsteadandblackwoodenboxesofsomenewlyweddedpair。
Theexerciseindeedservedtoclearawaythesuperficialirritationsofthemorning,butheremainedmiserable。ItseemedprovedbeyondadoubtthatRachelwasindifferenttohim,forshehadscarcelylookedathim,andshehadtalkedtoMr。Flushingwithjustthesameinterestwithwhichshetalkedtohim。Finally,Hirst’sodiouswordsflickedhismindlikeawhip,andherememberedthathehadlefthertalkingtoHirst。Shewasatthismomenttalkingtohim,anditmightbetrue,ashesaid,thatshewasinlovewithhim。
Hewentoveralltheevidenceforthissupposition——hersuddeninterestinHirst’swriting,herwayofquotinghisopinionsrespectfully,orwithonlyhalfalaugh;herverynicknameforhim,“thegreatMan,“
mighthavesomeseriousmeaninginit。Supposingthattherewereanunderstandingbetweenthem,whatwoulditmeantohim?
“Damnitall!“hedemanded,“amIinlovewithher?“Tothathecouldonlyreturnhimselfoneanswer。Hecertainlywasinlovewithher,ifheknewwhatlovemeant。Eversincehehadfirstseenherhehadbeeninterestedandattracted,moreandmoreinterestedandattracted,untilhewasscarcelyabletothinkofanythingexceptRachel。
Butjustashewasslidingintooneofthelongfeastsofmeditationaboutthemboth,hecheckedhimselfbyaskingwhetherhewantedtomarryher?
Thatwastherealproblem,forthesemiseriesandagoniescouldnotbeendured,anditwasnecessarythatheshouldmakeuphismind。
Heinstantlydecidedthathedidnotwanttomarryanyone。
PartlybecausehewasirritatedbyRacheltheideaofmarriageirritatedhim。Itimmediatelysuggestedthepictureoftwopeoplesittingaloneoverthefire;themanwasreading,thewomansewing。
Therewasasecondpicture。Hesawamanjumpup,saygood-night,leavethecompanyandhastenawaywiththequietsecretlookofonewhoisstealingtocertainhappiness。Boththesepictureswereveryunpleasant,andevenmoresowasathirdpicture,ofhusbandandwifeandfriend;andthemarriedpeopleglancingateachotherasthoughtheywerecontenttoletsomethingpassunquestioned,beingthemselvespossessedofthedeepertruth。Otherpictures——
hewaswalkingveryfastinhisirritation,andtheycamebeforehimwithoutanyconsciouseffort,likepicturesonasheet——
succeededthese。Herewerethewornhusbandandwifesittingwiththeirchildrenroundthem,verypatient,tolerant,andwise。
Butthattoo,wasanunpleasantpicture。Hetriedallsortsofpictures,takingthemfromthelivesoffriendsofhis,forheknewmanydifferentmarriedcouples;buthesawthemalways,walledupinawarmfirelitroom。When,ontheotherhand,hebegantothinkofunmarriedpeople,hesawthemactiveinanunlimitedworld;
aboveall,standingonthesamegroundastherest,withoutshelteroradvantage。Allthemostindividualandhumaneofhisfriendswerebachelorsandspinsters;indeedhewassurprisedtofindthatthewomenhemostadmiredandknewbestwereunmarriedwomen。
Marriageseemedtobeworseforthemthanitwasformen。
Leavingthesegeneralpicturesheconsideredthepeoplewhomhehadbeenobservinglatelyatthehotel。Hehadoftenrevolvedthesequestionsinhismind,ashewatchedSusanandArthur,orMr。andMrs。Thornbury,orMr。andMrs。Elliot。Hehadobservedhowtheshyhappinessandsurpriseoftheengagedcouplehadgraduallybeenreplacedbyacomfortable,tolerantstateofmind,asiftheyhadalreadydonewiththeadventureofintimacyandweretakinguptheirparts。SusanusedtopursueArthuraboutwithasweater,becausehehadonedayletslipthatabrotherofhishaddiedofpneumonia。Thesightamusedhim,butwasnotpleasantifyousubstitutedTerenceandRachelforArthurandSusan;andArthurwasfarlesseagertogetyouinacornerandtalkaboutflyingandthemechanicsofaeroplanes。Theywouldsettledown。Hethenlookedatthecoupleswhohadbeenmarriedforseveralyears。ItwastruethatMrs。Thornburyhadahusband,andthatforthemostpartshewaswonderfullysuccessfulinbringinghimintotheconversation,butonecouldnotimaginewhattheysaidtoeachotherwhentheywerealone。TherewasthesamedifficultywithregardtotheElliots,exceptthattheyprobablybickeredopenlyinprivate。Theysometimesbickeredinpublic,thoughthesedisagreementswerepainfullycoveredoverbylittleinsinceritiesonthepartofthewife,whowasafraidofpublicopinion,becauseshewasmuchstupiderthanherhusband,andhadtomakeeffortstokeepholdofhim。
Therecouldbenodoubt,hedecided,thatitwouldhavebeenfarbetterfortheworldifthesecoupleshadseparated。EventheAmbroses,whomheadmiredandrespectedprofoundly——inspiteofallthelovebetweenthem,wasnottheirmarriagetooacompromise?
Shegavewaytohim;shespoilthim;shearrangedthingsforhim;
shewhowasalltruthtootherswasnottruetoherhusband,wasnottruetoherfriendsiftheycameinconflictwithherhusband。
Itwasastrangeandpiteousflawinhernature。PerhapsRachelhadbeenright,then,whenshesaidthatnightinthegarden,“Webringoutwhat’sworstineachother——weshouldliveseparate。“
NoRachelhadbeenutterlywrong!EveryargumentseemedtobeagainstundertakingtheburdenofmarriageuntilhecametoRachel’sargument,whichwasmanifestlyabsurd。Fromhavingbeenthepursued,heturnedandbecamethepursuer。Allowingthecaseagainstmarriagetolapse,hebegantoconsiderthepeculiaritiesofcharacterwhichhadledtohersayingthat。Hadshemeantit?Surelyoneoughttoknowthecharacterofthepersonwithwhomonemightspendallone’slife;
beinganovelist,lethimtrytodiscoverwhatsortofpersonshewas。
Whenhewaswithherhecouldnotanalyseherqualities,becauseheseemedtoknowtheminstinctively,butwhenhewasawayfromheritsometimesseemedtohimthathedidnotknowheratall。Shewasyoung,butshewasalsoold;shehadlittleself-confidence,andyetshewasagoodjudgeofpeople。Shewashappy;butwhatmadeherhappy?
Iftheywerealoneandtheexcitementhadwornoff,andtheyhadtodealwiththeordinaryfactsoftheday,whatwouldhappen?
Castinghiseyeuponhisowncharacter,twothingsappearedtohim:
thathewasveryunpunctual,andthathedislikedansweringnotes。
AsfarasheknewRachelwasinclinedtobepunctual,buthecouldnotrememberthathehadeverseenherwithapeninherhand。
Lethimnextimagineadinner-party,sayattheCrooms,andWilson,whohadtakenherdown,talkingaboutthestateoftheLiberalparty。
Shewouldsay——ofcourseshewasabsolutelyignorantofpolitics。
Neverthelessshewasintelligentcertainly,andhonesttoo。
Hertemperwasuncertain——thathehadnoticed——andshewasnotdomestic,andshewasnoteasy,andshewasnotquiet,orbeautiful,exceptinsomedressesinsomelights。Butthegreatgiftshehadwasthatsheunderstoodwhatwassaidtoher;therehadneverbeenanyonelikeherfortalkingto。Youcouldsayanything——
youcouldsayeverything,andyetshewasneverservile。Herehepulledhimselfup,foritseemedtohimsuddenlythatheknewlessaboutherthanaboutanyone。Allthesethoughtshadoccurredtohimmanytimesalready;oftenhadhetriedtoargueandreason;
andagainhehadreachedtheoldstateofdoubt。Hedidnotknowher,andhedidnotknowwhatshefelt,orwhethertheycouldlivetogether,orwhetherhewantedtomarryher,andyethewasinlovewithher。
Supposinghewenttoherandsaidheslackenedhispaceandbegantospeakaloud,asifhewerespeakingtoRachel:
“Iworshipyou,butIloathemarriage,Ihateitssmugness,itssafety,itscompromise,andthethoughtofyouinterferinginmywork,hinderingme;whatwouldyouanswer?“
Hestopped,leantagainstthetrunkofatree,andgazedwithoutseeingthematsomestonesscatteredonthebankofthedryriver-bed。HesawRachel’sfacedistinctly,thegreyeyes,thehair,themouth;thefacethatcouldlooksomanythings——plain,vacant,almostinsignificant,orwild,passionate,almostbeautiful,yetinhiseyeswasalwaysthesamebecauseoftheextraordinaryfreedomwithwhichshelookedathim,andspokeasshefelt。
Whatwouldsheanswer?Whatdidshefeel?Didshelovehim,ordidshefeelnothingatallforhimorforanyotherman,being,asshehadsaidthatafternoon,free,likethewindorthesea?
“Oh,you’refree!“heexclaimed,inexultationatthethoughtofher,“andI’dkeepyoufree。We’dbefreetogether。
We’dshareeverythingtogether。Nohappinesswouldbelikeours。
Noliveswouldcomparewithours。“Heopenedhisarmswideasiftoholdherandtheworldinoneembrace。
Nolongerabletoconsidermarriage,ortoweighcoollywhathernaturewas,orhowitwouldbeiftheylivedtogether,hedroppedtothegroundandsatabsorbedinthethoughtofher,andsoontormentedbythedesiretobeinherpresenceagain。
ButHewetneednothaveincreasedhistormentsbyimaginingthatHirstwasstilltalkingtoRachel。Thepartyverysoonbrokeup,theFlushingsgoinginonedirection,Hirstinanother,andRachelremaininginthehall,pullingtheillustratedpapersabout,turningfromonetoanother,hermovementsexpressingtheunformedrestlessdesireinhermind。Shedidnotknowwhethertogoortostay,thoughMrs。Flushinghadcommandedhertoappearattea。
Thehallwasempty,saveforMissWillettwhowasplayingscaleswithherfingersuponasheetofsacredmusic,andtheCarters,anopulentcouplewhodislikedthegirl,becausehershoelaceswereuntied,andshedidnotlooksufficientlycheery,whichbysomeindirectprocessofthoughtledthemtothinkthatshewouldnotlikethem。
Rachelcertainlywouldnothavelikedthem,ifshehadseenthem,fortheexcellentreasonthatMr。Carterwaxedhismoustache,andMrs。Carterworebracelets,andtheywereevidentlythekindofpeoplewhowouldnotlikeher;butshewastoomuchabsorbedbyherownrestlessnesstothinkortolook。
ShewasturningovertheslipperypagesofanAmericanmagazine,whenthehalldoorswung,awedgeoflightfelluponthefloor,andasmallwhitefigureuponwhomthelightseemedfocussed,madestraightacrosstheroomtoher。
“What!Youhere?“Evelynexclaimed。“Justcaughtaglimpseofyouatlunch;butyouwouldn’tcondescendtolookat_me_。“
ItwaspartofEvelyn’scharacterthatinspiteofmanysnubswhichshereceivedorimagined,shenevergaveupthepursuitofpeopleshewantedtoknow,andinthelongrungenerallysucceededinknowingthemandeveninmakingthemlikeher。
Shelookedroundher。“Ihatethisplace。Ihatethesepeople,“
shesaid。“Iwishyou’dcomeuptomyroomwithme。Idowanttotalktoyou。“
AsRachelhadnowishtogoortostay,Evelyntookherbythewristanddrewheroutofthehallandupthestairs。Astheywentupstairstwostepsatatime,Evelyn,whostillkeptholdofRachel’shand,ejaculatedbrokensentencesaboutnotcaringahangwhatpeoplesaid。
“Whyshouldone,ifoneknowsone’sright?Andlet’emallgotoblazes!Them’smyopinions!“