NowIamnotwithoutsomeknowledgeoftheworldoutsidethecloseofMarchburyCathedral，andIcouldnotlistentosucha“flatteringtale“withouthavingmysuspicionsaroused。Whoandwhatisthisman？thoughtI。Ilookedathimnarrowly。Atfirstthethoughtflashedacrossmethathemightbea“swellmobsman。“
　　Butno，hisfacewastoogoodforthat；besides，nomanwiththathugeframe，thatpersonalitysomarkedandsoeasilyrecognizable，couldbeaswindler；hecouldnotescapedetectionasinglehour。
　　Idismissedtheungenerousthought。Perhapsheisrich，ashesays。Wedohearofmunificentdonationsbybenevolentmillionairesnowandthen。WhatifthisAustralian，attractedbythegloriesoftheoldcathedral，shouldnowappearasadeusexmachinatoreendowthechoir，ortofoundamusicalprofessoriateinconnectionwiththechoir，appointingmethefirstoccupantoftheprofessorialchair？
　　Thesethoughtsflashedacrossmymindinthemomentarypauseofhisfluenttongue。
　　“Asforyourself，sir，“hebeganagain，“IhavesomethingtoproposewhichItrustmaynotproveunwelcome。Butthepublicstreetishardlyasuitableplacetodiscussmyproposal。MayI
　　calluponyouthiseveningatyourhouseintheclose？Iknowwhichitis，forIhappenedtoseeyougointoityesterdayafterthemorningservice。“
　　“Ishallbeverypleasedtoseeyou，“Ireplied。“Wearegoingouttodinnerthisevening，butIshallbeathomeanddisengagedtillaboutseven。“
　　“Thankyouverymuch。ThenIshalldomyselfthepleasureofcallinguponyouaboutsixo’clock。Tillthen，farewell！“A
　　gracefulwaveofthehand，andmyunknownfriendhaddisappearedroundthecornerofthestreet。
　　Nowatlast，Ithought，somethingisgoingtohappeninmyuneventfullife——somethingtobreakthemonotonyofexistence。Ofcourse，hemusthaveinquiredmyname——hecouldgetthatfromanyofthecathedralvergers——and，ashesaid，hehadobservedwhereaboutsinthecloseIlived。Whatishecomingtoseemefor？
　　Iwondered。Ispenttherestoftheafternooninmakingthewildestsurmises。Iwascastle-buildinginSpainatafuriousrate。AtonetimeIimaginedthatthisfaithfulsonofthechurch——
　　asheappearedtome——wasgoingtobuildandendowagrandcathedralinAustraliaonconditionthatIshouldbeappointeddeanatayearlystipendof，say，tenthousandpounds。Orperhaps，I
　　saidtomyself，hewillbegmetoacceptasumofmoney——Ineverthoughtofitaslessthanathousandpounds——asaslightrecognitionofandtributetomyremarkablevocalability。
　　Itookalong，lonelywalkintothecountrytocorrecttheseridiculousfanciesandtosteadymymind，andwhenIreachedhomeandhadrefreshedmyselfwithaquietcupofafternoontea，IfeltIwasmorallyandphysicallypreparedformyinterviewwiththeopulentstranger。
　　Punctuallyasthecathedralclockstrucksixtherewasaringatthevisitor’sbell。Inamomentortwomyunknownfriendwasshownintothedrawing-room，whichheenteredwiththeeasyairofamanoftheworld。Inoticedhewascarryingasmallblackbag。
　　“Howdoyoudoagain，Mr。Dale？“hesaidasthoughwewereoldacquaintances；“youseeIhavecomesharptomytime。“
　　“Yes，“Ianswered，“andIampleasedtoseeyou；dositdown。“Hesankintomybestarmchair，andplacedhisbagonthefloorbesidehim。
　　“Sincewemetintheafternoon，“hesaid，“Ihavewrittenalettertoyourdean，expressingthegreatpleasureIfeltinlisteningtoyourchoir，andatthesametimeIinclosedafive-poundnote，whichIbeggedhimtodivideamongthechoirboysandmen，fromAlexanderPoulter，Esq。，ofPoulter’sPills。Youhaveofcourseheardoftheworld-renownedPoulter’sPills。IamPoulter！“
　　PoulterofPoulter’sPills！Myheartsankwithinme！Afive-poundnote！Myairycastlesweretottering！
　　“Ialsosenthimacoupleofhundredofmypamphlets，whichIsaidItrustedhewouldbesokindastodistributeintheclose。“
　　Iwasaghast！
　　“Andnow，withregardtothespecialobjectofmycall，Mr。Dale。
　　Ifyouwillallowmetosayso，youarenotmakingthemostofthatgrandvoiceofyours；youarehiddenunderanecclesiasticalbushelhere——losttotheworld。Youarewastingyourvocalstrengthandsweetnessonthedesertair，sotospeak。Why，ifImayhazardaguess，Idon’tsupposeyoumakefivehundredayearhere，attheoutside？
　　Icouldsaynothing。
　　“Well，now，Icanputyouintothewayofmakingatleastthreeorfourtimesasmuchasthat。Listen！IamAlexanderPoulter，ofPoulter’sPills。Ihaveaproposaltomaketoyou。Theschemeisboundtosucceed，butIwantyourhelp。Acceptmyproposalandyourfortune’smade。DidyoueverhearMoodyandSankey？“heaskedabruptly。
　　Themanisanidiot，thoughtI；heisnowfairlycarriedawaywithhisparticularmania。Willitlastlong？ShallIring？
　　“Novelty，mydearsir，“hewenton，“istheruleoftheday；andtheremustbenoveltyinadvertising，asineverythingelse，tocatchthepublicinterest。SoIintendtogoonatour，lecturingonthemeritsofPoulter’sPillsinalltheprincipalhallsofalltheprincipaltownsallovertheworld。ButIhavebeendelayedincarryingoutmyideatillIcouldassociatemyselfwithagentlemansuchasyourself。Willyoujoinme？IshouldbetheMoodyofthetour；youwouldbeitsSankey。Iwouldspeakmypatter，andyouwouldinterspersemyorationswithmelodiousballadsbearinguponthevirtuesofPoulter’sPills。Theballadsareallready！“
　　Sosaying，heopenedthatbaganddrewforthfromitsrecessesnothingmorealarmingthanathickrollofmanuscriptmusic。
　　“Theversesaremyown，“hesaid，withalittletouchofpride；
　　“andasforthemusic，Ithoughtitbettertomakeuseofpopularmelodies，soastoenableanaudiencetojoininthechorus。See，hereisoneoftheballads:’Darling，Iambetternow。’Itdescribesthewoesofafondlover，orratherhisphysicalailments，untilhewentthroughacourseofPoulter。Here’sanother:’I’mninety-five！I’mninety-five！’Youcatchthedriftofthat，ofcourse——ahealthyoldage，securedbytakingPoulter’sPills。Ah！what’sthis？’Littlesister’slastrequest。’IfancytheideaofthatistobegthefamilynevertobewithoutPoulter’sPills。Hereagain:’Thenyou’llrememberme！’I’mafraidthattitleisnotoriginal；nevermind，thesongis。Andhereis——buttherearemanymore，andIwon’tdetainyouwiththemnow。“Hesaw，perhaps，Iwasgettingimpatient。ThankHeaven，however，hewasnoescapedlunatic。Iwassafe！
　　“Mr。Poulter，“saidI，“Itookyouthisafternoonforadisinterestedandphilanthropicmillionaire；youtakemefor——for——
　　somethingdifferentfromwhatIam。Wehavebothmademistakes。
　　Inaword，itisimpossibleformetoacceptyouroffer！“
　　“Isthatfinal？“askedPoulter。
　　“Certainly，“saidI。
　　Poultergatheredhismanuscriptstogetherandreplacedtheminthebag，andgotuptoleavetheroom。
　　“Goodevening，Mr。Dale，“hesaidmournfully，asIopenedthedooroftheroom。“Goodevening“——hekeptontalkingtillhewasfairlyoutofthehouse——“markmywords，you’llbesorry——verysorry——onedaythatyoudidnotfallinwithmyscheme。Offerslikeminedon’tcomeeveryday，andyouwillonedayregrethavingrefusedit。“
　　Withthesewordsheleftthehouse。
　　Ihadlittleappetiteformydinnerthatevening。
　　ThePipe“RANDOLPHCRESCENT，N。W。
　　MYDEARPUGH——IhopeyouwilllikethepipewhichIsendwiththis。
　　ItisratheracuriousexampleofacertainschoolofIndiancarving。Andisapresentfrom“Yourstruly，JOSEPHTRESS。“
　　ItwasreallyveryhandsomeofTress——veryhandsome！ThemoreespeciallyasIwasawarethattogivepresentswasnotexactlyinTress’sline。ThetruthisthatwhenIsawwhatmannerofpipeitwasIwasamazed。Itwascontainedinasandalwoodbox，whichwasitselfillustratedwithsomeremarkablespecimensofcarving。I
　　usetheword“remarkable“advisedly，because，althoughtheworkmanshipwasundoubtedly，initsway，artistic，theresultcouldnotbedescribedasbeautiful。ThecarverhadthoughtpropertoornamenttheboxwithsomeoftheugliestfiguresIremembertohaveseen。Theyappearedtometobedevils。Orperhapstheywereintendedtorepresentdeitiesappertainingtosomemythologicalsystemwithwhich，thankgoodness，Iamunacquainted。Thepipeitselfwasworthyofthecaseinwhichitwascontained。Itwasofmeerschaum，withanambermouthpiece。Itwasrathertoolargeforordinarysmoking。Butthen，ofcourse，onedoesn’tsmokeapipelikethat。TherearepipesinmycollectionwhichIshouldassoonthinkofsmokingasIshouldofeating。AskachinamaniactoletyouhaveafternoonteaoutofhisOldChelsea，andyouwilllearnsomehometruthsastothedurabilityofhumanfriendships。Thegloryofthepipe，asTresshadsuggested，layinitscarving。NotthatIclaimthatitwasbeautiful，anymorethanImakesuchaclaimforthecarvingonthebox，but，asTresssaidinhisnote，itwascurious。
　　Thestemandthebowlwerequiteplain，butontheedgeofthebowlwasperchedsomekindoflizard。ItoldmyselfitwasanoctopuswhenIfirstsawit，butIhavesincehadreasontobelievethatitwassomealmostuniquememberofthelizardtribe。Thecreaturewasrepresentedasclimbingovertheedgeofthebowldowntowardthestem，anditslegs，orfeelers，ortentacula，orwhateverthethingsarecalled，were，ifImayuseavulgarism，sprawlingabout“allovertheplace。“Forinstance，twoorthreeofthemweretwinedaboutthebowl，twoorthreeofthemweretwistedroundthestem，andone，aparticularlyhorribleone，wasupliftedintheair，sothatifyouputthepipeinyourmouththethingwaspointingstraightatyournose。
　　Nottheleastagreeablefeatureaboutthecreaturewasthatitwashideouslylifelike。Itappearedtohavebeencarvedinamber，butsomecoloringmattermusthavebeenintroduced，forinsidetheamberthecreaturewasofapeculiarlyghastlygreen。ThemoreI
　　examinedthepipethemoreamazedIwasatTress’sgenerosity。HeandIarerivalcollectors。Iamnotgoingtosay，insomanywords，thathiscollectionofpipescontainsnothingbutrubbish，because，asamatteroffact，hehastwoorthreeratherdecentspecimens。Buttocomparehiscollectiontominewouldbeabsurd。
　　Tressisconsciousofthis，andheresentsit。Heresentsittosuchanextentthathehasbeenknown，atleastononeoccasion，todeclarethatonesinglepipeofhis——IbelievehealludedtotheBrummagemrelicpreposterouslyattributedtoSirWalterRaleigh——
　　wasworththewholeofmycollectionputtogether。AlthoughIhaveforgottenthis，asIhopeIalwaysshallforgiveremarksmadewhenenviouspassionsgetthebetterofournoblernature，evenofaJosephTress，itisnottobesupposedthatIhaveforgottenit。
　　Hewas，therefore，notatallthesortofpersonfromwhomI
　　expectedtoreceiveapresent。Andsuchapresent！Idonotbelievethathehimselfhadafinerpipeinhiscollection。Andtohavegivenittome！Ihadmisjudgedtheman。Iwonderedwherehehadgotitfrom。Ihadseenhispipes；Iknewthemoffbyheart——
　　andsomenicetrumperyhehasamongthem，too！butIhadneverseenTHATpipebefore。ThemoreIlookedatit，themoremyamazementgrew。Thebeastperchedupontheedgeofthebowlwassolifelike。
　　Itstwobead-likeeyesseemedtogleamatmewithpositivelyhumanintelligence。ThepipefascinatedmetosuchanextentthatI
　　actuallyresolvedto——smokeit！
　　IfilleditwithPerique。OrdinarilyIuseBirdseye，butonthoseveryrareoccasionsonwhichIuseaspecimenIsmokePerique。I
　　litupwithquiteasmallsensationofexcitement。AsIdidsoI
　　keptmyeyesperforcefixeduponthebeast。Thebeastpointeditsupraisedtentacledirectlyatme。AsIinhaledthepungenttobaccothattentacleimpressedmewithafeelingofactualuncanniness。
　　Itwasbroaddaylight，andIwassmokinginfrontofthewindow，yettosuchanextentwasIaffectedthatitseemedtomethatthetentaclewasnotonlyvibrating，which，owingtothepeculiarityofitsposition，wasquitewithintherangeofprobability，butactuallymoving，elongating——stretchingforward，thatis，farthertowardme，andtowardthetipofmynose。SoimpressedwasIbythisideathatItookthepipeoutofmymouthandminutelyexaminedthebeast。Really，thedelusionwasexcusable。Socunninglyhadtheartistwroughtthathesucceededinproducingacreaturewhich，suchwasitsuncanniness，Icouldonlyhopehadnooriginalinnature。
　　ReplacingthepipebetweenmylipsItookseveralwhiffs。Neverhadsmokinghadsuchaneffectonmebefore。Eitherthepipe，orthecreatureonit，exercisedsomesingularfascination。Iseemed，withoutaninstant’swarning，tobepassingintosomelandofdreams。Isawthebeast，whichwaspercheduponthebowl，writheandtwist。Isawitliftitselfbodilyfromthemeerschaum。