`Anabruptheavyrumblemademeliftmyhead。Thenoiseseemedtorollaway,andsuddenlyasearchingandviolentglarefellontheblindfaceofthenight。Thesustainedanddazzlingflickersseemedtolastforanunconscionabletime。ThegrowlofthethunderincreasedsteadilywhileIlookedathim,distinctandblack,plantedsolidlyupontheshoresofaseaoflight。Atthemomentofgreatestbrilliancethedarknessleapedbackwithaculminatingcrash,andhevanishedbeforemydazzledeyesasutterlyasthoughhehadbeenblowntoatoms。Ablusteringsighpassed;
  furioushandsseemedtotearattheshrubs,shakethetopsofthetreesbelow,slamdoors,breakwindow-panes,allalongthefrontofthebuilding。
  Hesteppedin,closingthedoorbehindhim,andfoundmebendingoverthetable:mysuddenanxietyastowhathewouldsaywasverygreat,andakintoafright。“MayIhaveacigarette?“heasked。Igaveapushtotheboxwithoutraisingmyhead。“Iwant——want——tobacco,“hemuttered。Ibecameextremelybuoyant。“Justamoment,“Igrunted,pleasantly。Hetookafewstepshereandthere。“That’sover,“Iheardhimsay。Asingledistantclapofthundercamefromthesealikeagunofdistress。“Themonsoonbreaksupearlythisyear,“heremarked,conversationally,somewherebehindme。Thisencouragedmetoturnround,whichIdidassoonasIhadfinishedaddressingthelastenvelope。Hewassmokinggreedilyinthemiddleoftheroom,andthoughheheardthestirImade,heremainedwithhisbacktomeforatime。
  “`Come——Icarrieditoffprettywell,“hesaid,wheelingsuddenly。“Something’spaidoff——notmuch。Iwonderwhat’stocome。“Hisfacedidnotshowanyemotion,onlyitappearedalittledarkenedandswollen,asthoughhehadbeenholdinghisbreath。Hesmiledreluctantlyasitwere,andwentonwhileIgazedupathimmutely……“Thankyou,though——yourroom——jollyconvenient——forachap——badlyhipped。“……Therainpatteredandswishedinthegarden;awater-pipeitmusthavehadaholeinitperformedjustoutsidethewindowaparodyofblubberingwoewithfunnysobsandgurglinglamentations,interuptedbyjerkyspasmsofsilence……“Abitofshelter,“
  hemumbledandceased。
  `Aflashoffadedlightningdartedinthroughtheblackframe-workofthewindowsandebbedoutwithoutanynoise。IwasthinkinghowIhadbestapproachhimIdidnotwanttobeflungoffagainwhenhegavealittlelaugh。“Nobetterthanavagabondnow“……theendofthecigarettesmoulderedbetweenhisfingers……“Withoutasingle——single……“hepronouncedslowly;“andyet……“Hepaused;therainfellwithredoubledviolence。
  “Somedayone’sboundtocomeuponsomesortofchancetogetitallbackagain。Must!“hewhispered,distinctly,glaringatmyboots。
  `Ididnotevenknowwhatitwashewishedsomuchtoregain,whatitwashehadsoterriblymissed。Itmighthavebeensomuchthatitwasimpossibletosay。Apieceofass’sskin,accordingtoChester……Helookedupatmeinquisitively。“Perhaps。Iflife’slongenough,“Imutteredthroughmyteethwithunreasonableanimosity。“Don’treckontoomuchonit。“
  “`Jove!Ifeelasifnothingcouldevertouchme,“hesaidinatoneofsombreconviction。“Ifthisbusinesscouldn’tknockmeover,thenthere’snofearoftherebeingnotenoughtimeto——climbout,and……“Helookedupwards。
  `Itstruckmethatitisfromsuchashethatthegreatarmyofwaifsandstraysisrecruited,thearmythatmarchesdown,downintoalltheguttersoftheearth。Assoonasheleftmyroom,that“bitofshelter,“
  hewouldtakehisplaceintheranks,andbeginthejourneytowardsthebottomlesspit。Iatleasthadnoillusions;butitwasI,too,whoamomentagohadbeensosureofthepowerofwords,andnowwasafraidtospeak,inthesamewayonedaresnotmoveforfearoflosingaslipperyhold。
  Itiswhenwetrytograpplewithanotherman’sintimateneedthatweperceivehowincomprehensible,wavering,andmistyarethebeingsthatsharewithusthesightofthestarsandthewarmthofthesun。Itisasiflonelinesswereahardandabsoluteconditionofexistence;theenvelopeoffleshandbloodonwhichoureyesarefixedmeltsbeforetheoutstretchedhand,andthereremainsonlythecapricious,unconsolable,andelusivespiritthatnoeyecanfollow,nohandcangrasp。Itwasthefearoflosinghimthatkeptmesilent,foritwasborneuponmesuddenlyandwithunaccountableforcethatshouldIlethimslipawayintothedarknessIwouldneverforgivemyself。
  “`Well。Thanks——oncemore。You’vebeen——er——uncommonly——reallythere’snowordto……Uncommonly!Idon’tknowwhy,Iamsure。IamafraidI
  don’tfeelasgratefulasIwouldifthewholethinghadn’tbeensobrutallysprungonme。Becauseatbottom……you,yourself……“Hestuttered。
  “`Possibly,’Istruckin。Hefrowned。
  “`Allthesame,oneisresponsible。“Hewatchedmelikeahawk。
  “`Andthat’strue,too,“Isaid。
  “`Well。I’vegonewithittotheend,andIdon’tintendtoletanymancastitinmyteethwithout——without——resenting。“Heclenchedhisfist。
  “`There’syourself,“Isaidwithasmile——mirthlessenough,Godknows——buthelookedatmemenacingly。“That’smybusiness,“hesaid。Anairofindomitableresolutioncameandwentuponhisfacelikeavainandpassingshadow。
  Nextmomenthelookedadeargoodboyintrouble,asbefore。Heflungawaythecigarette。“Good-bye,“hesaid,withthesuddenhasteofamanwhohadlingeredtoolonginviewofapressingbitofworkwaitingforhim;
  andthenforasecondorsohemadenottheslightestmovement。Thedownpourfellwiththeheavyuninterruptedrushofasweepingflood,withasoundofuncheckedoverwhelmingfurythatcalledtoone’smindtheimagesofcollapsingbridges,ofuprootedtrees,ofunderminedmountains。Nomancouldbreastthecolossalandheadlongstreamthatseemedtobreakandswirlagainstthedimstillnessinwhichwewereprecariouslyshelteredasifonanisland。Theperforatedpipegurgled,choked,spat,andsplashedinodiousridiculeofaswimmerfightingforhislife。“Itisraining,“
  Iremonstrated,“andI……““Rainorshine,“hebegan,brusquely,checkedhimself,andwalkedtothewindow。“Perfectdeluge,“hemutteredafterawhile:heleanedhisforeheadontheglass。“It’sdark,too。“
  “`Yes,itisverydark,“Isaid。
  `Hepivotedonhisheels,crossedtheroom,andhadactuallyopenedthedoorleadingintothecorridorbeforeIleapedupfrommychair。“Wait,“
  Icried,“Iwantyouto……““Ican’tdinewithyouagainto-night,“
  heflungatme,withonelegoutoftheroomalready。“Ihaven’ttheslightestintentiontoaskyou,“Ishouted。Atthishedrewbackhisfoot,butremainedmistrustfullyintheverydoorway。Ilostnotimeinentreatinghimearnestlynottobeabsurd;tocomeinandshutthedoor。’
  cameinatlast;butIbelieveitwasmostlytherainthatdidit;itwasfallingjustthenwithadevastatingviolencewhichquieteddowngraduallywhilewetalked。Hismannerwasverysoberandset;hisbearingwasthatofanaturallytaciturnmanpossessedbyanidea。Mytalkwasofthematerialaspectofhisposition;ithadthesoleaimofsavinghimfromthedegradation,ruin,anddespairthatoutthereclosesoswiftlyuponafriendless,homelessman;Ipleadedwithhimtoacceptmyhelp;Iarguedreasonably:andeverytimeIlookedupatthatabsorbedsmoothface,sograveandyouthful,Ihadadisturbingsenseofbeingnohelpbutratheranobstacletosomemysterious,inexplicable,impalpablestrivingofhiswoundedspirit。
  “`Isupposeyouintendtoeatanddrinkandtosleepundershelterintheusualway,“Iremembersayingwithirritation。“Yousayyouwon’ttouchthemoneythatisduetoyou。“……Hecameasnearashissortcantomakingagestureofhorror。Therewerethreeweeksandfivedays’payowinghimasmateofthePatna。“Well,that’stoolittletomatteranyhow;butwhatwillyoudoto-morrow?Wherewillyouturn?Youmustlive……““Thatisn’tthething,“wasthecommentthatescapedhimunderhisbreath。Iignoredit,andwentoncombatingwhatIassumedtobethescruplesofanexaggerateddelicacy。“Oneveryconceivableground,“Iconcluded,“youmustletmehelpyou。““Youcan’t,“hesaidverysimplyandgently,andholdingfasttosomedeepideawhichIcoulddetectshimmeringlikeapoolofwaterinthedark,butwhichIdespairedofeverapproachingnearenoughtofathom。Isurveyedhiswell-proportionedbulk。“Atanyrate,“
  Isaid,“IamabletohelpwhatIcanseeofyou。Idon’tpretendtodomore。“Heshookhisheadscepticallywithoutlookingatme。Igotverywarm。“ButIcan,“Iinsisted。“Icandoevenmore。Iamdoingmore。
  Iamtrustingyou……““Themoney……“hebegan。“Uponmywordyoudeservebeingtoldtogotothedevil,“Icried,forcingthenoteofindignation。
  Hewasstartled,smiled,andIpressedmyattackhome。“Itisn’taquestionofmoneyatall。Youaretoosuperficial,“IsaidandatthesametimeIwasthinkingtomyself:Well,heregoes!Andperhapsheisafterall。
  “LookattheletterIwantyoutotake。IamwritingtoamanofwhomI’veneveraskedafavour,andIamwritingaboutyouintermsthatoneonlyventurestousewhenspeakingofanintimatefriend。Imakemyselfunreservedlyresponsibleforyou。That’swhatIamdoing。Andreallyifyouwillonlyreflectalittlewhatthatmeans……“
  `Heliftedhishead。Therainhadpassedaway:onlythewater-pipewentonsheddingtearswithanabsurddrip-dripoutsidethewindow。Itwasveryquietintheroom,whoseshadowshuddledtogetherincorners,awayfromthestillflameofthecandleflaringuprightintheshapeofadagger;
  hisfaceafterawhileseemedsuffusedbyareflectionofasoftlightasifthedawnhadbrokenalready。
  “`Jove!“hegaspedout。“Itisnobleofyou!“
  `Hadhesuddenlyputouthistongueatmeinderision,Icouldnothavefeltmorehumiliated。Ithoughttomyself:Servemerightforasneakinghumbug……Hiseyesshonestraightintomyface,butIperceiveditwasnotamockingbrightness。Allatoncehesprangintojerkyagitation,likeoneofthoseflatwoodenfiguresthatareworkedbyastring。Hisarmswentup,thencamedownwithaslap。Hebecameanothermanaltogether。
  “AndIhadneverseen,“heshouted;thensuddenlybithislipandfrowned。
  “WhataballyassI’vebeen,“hesaidveryslowinanawedtone……
  “Youareabrick,“hecriednextinamuffledvoice。Hesnatchedmyhandasthoughhehadjustthenseenitforthefirsttime,anddroppeditatone。“Why!thisiswhatI——you——I……“hestammered,andthenwithareturnofhisoldstolid,Imaysaymulish,mannerhebeganheavily,“I
  wouldbeabrutenowifI……“andthenhisvoiceseemedtobreak。“That’sallright,“Isaid。Iwasalmostalarmedbythisdisplayoffeeling,throughwhichpiercedastrangeelation。Ihadpulledthestringaccidentallyasitwere;Ididnotfullyunderstandtheworkingofthetoy。“Imustgonow,“hesaid。“Jove!Youhavehelpedme。Can’tsitstill。Theverything……“Helookedatmewithpuzzledadmiration。“Theverything……“
  `Ofcourseitwasthething。ItwastentoonethatIhadsavedhimfromstarvation——ofthatpeculiarsortthatisalmostinvariablyassociatedwithdrink。Thiswasall。Ihadnotasingleillusiononthatscore,butlookingathim,Iallowedmyselftowonderatthenatureoftheonehehad,withinthelastthreeminutes,soevidentlytakenintohisbosom。
  Ihadforcedintohishandsthemeanstocarryondecentlytheseriousbusinessoflife,togetfood,drink,andshelterofthecustomarykindwhilehiswoundedspirit,likeabirdwithabrokenwing,mighthopandflutterintosomeholetodiequietlyofinanitionthere。ThisiswhatIhadthrustuponhim:adefinitelysmallthing;and——behold!——bythemannerofitsreceptionitloomedinthedimlightofthecandlelikeabig,indistinct,perhapsadangerousshadow。“Youdon’tmindmenotsayinganythingappropriate,“
  heburstout。“Thereisn’tanythingonecouldsay。Lastnightalreadyyouhaddonemenoendofgood。Listeningtome——youknow。IgiveyoumywordI’vethoughtmorethanoncethetopofmyheadwouldflyoff……“Hedarted——positivelydarted——hereandthere,rammedhishandsintohispockets,jerkedthemoutagain,flunghiscaponhishead。Ihadnoideaitwasinhimtobesoairilybrisk。Ithoughtofadryleafimprisonedinaneddyofwind,whileamysteriousapprehension,aloadofindefinitedoubt,weighedmedowninmychair。Hestoodstock-still,asifstruckmotionlessbyadiscovery。“Youhavegivenmeconfidence,“hedeclared,soberly。“Oh!
  forGod’ssake,mydearfellow——don’t!“Ientreated,asthoughhehadhurtme。“Allright。I’llshutupnowandhenceforth。Can’tpreventmethinking,though……Nevermind!……I’llshowyet……“Hewenttothedoorinahurry,pausedwithhisheaddown,andcameback,steppingdeliberately。
  “Ialwaysthoughtthatifafellowcouldbeginwithacleanslate……
  Andnowyou……inameasure……yes……cleanslate。“Iwavedmyhand,andhemarchedoutwithoutlookingback;thesoundofhisfootfallsdiedoutgraduallybehindthecloseddoor——theunhesitatingtreatofamanwalkedinbroaddaylight。
  `Butastome,leftalonewiththesolitarycandle,Iremainedstrangelyunenlightened。Iwasnolongeryoungenoughtobeholdateveryturnthemagnificencethatbesetsourinsignificantfootstepsingoodandinevil。
  Ismiledtothinkthat,afterall,itwasyethe,ofustwo,whohadthelight。AndIfeltsad。Acleanslate,didhesay?Asiftheinitialwordofeachourdestinywerenotgraveninimperishablecharactersuponthefaceofarock。’
  LordJim:Chapter18CHAPTERXVIII`SIXmonthsafterwardsmyfriendhewasacynical,morethanmiddle-agedbachelor,withareputationforeccentricity,andownedarice-millwrotetome,andjudging,fromthewarmthofmyrecommendation,thatIwouldliketohear,enlargedalittleuponJim’sperfections。Thesewereapparentlyofaquietandeffectivesort。“Nothavingbeenablesofartofindmoreinmyheartthanaresignedtolerationforanyindividualofmykind,Ihavelivedtillnowaloneinahousethateveninthissteamingclimatecouldbeconsideredastoobigforoneman。Ihavehadhimtolivewithmeforsometimepast。ItseemsIhaven’tmadeamistake。“ItseemedtomeonreadingthisletterthatmyfriendhadfoundinhisheartmorethantoleranceforJim——thattherewerethebeginningsofactiveliking。
  Ofcoursehestatedhisgroundsinacharacteristicway。Foronething,Jimkepthisfreshnessintheclimate。Hadhebeenagirl——myfriendwrote——onecouldhavesaidhewasblooming——bloomingmodestly——likeaviolet,notlikesomeoftheseblatanttropicalflowers。Hehadbeeninthehouseforsixweeks,andhadnotasyetattemptedtoslaphimontheback,oraddresshimas“oldboy,“ortrytomakehimfeelasuperannuatedfossil。Hehadnothingoftheexasperatingyoungman’schatter。Hewasgood-tempered,hadnotmuchtosayforhimself,wasnotcleverbyanymeans,thankgoodness——wrotemyfriend。Itappeared,however,thatJimwascleverenoughtobequietlyappreciativeofhiswit,while,ontheotherhand,heamusedhimbyhisnaiveness。“Thedewisyetonhim,andsinceIhadthebrightideaofgivinghimaroominthehouseandhavinghimatmealsIfeellesswitheredmyself。