`DoIknowtheman?’askedSirMalcolm。
`No!You’veneverseenhim。’
Therewasalongpause。
`Andwhatareyourplans?’
`Idon’tknow。That’sthepoint。’
`NopatchingitupwithClifford?’
`IsupposeCliffordwouldtakeit,’saidConnie。`Hetoldme,afterlasttimeyoutalkedtohim,hewouldn’tmindifIhadachild,solongasIwentaboutitdiscreetly。’
`Onlysensiblethinghecouldsay,underthecircumstances。ThenIsupposeit’llbeallright。’
`Inwhatway?’saidConnie,lookingintoherfather’seyes。Theywerebigblueeyesratherlikeherown,butwithacertainuneasinessinthem,alooksometimesofanuneasylittleboy,sometimesalookofsullenselfishness,usuallygood-humouredandwary。
`YoucanpresentCliffordwithanheirtoalltheChatterleys,andputanotherbaronetinWragby。’
SirMalcolm’sfacesmiledwithahalf-sensualsmile。
`ButIdon’tthinkIwantto,’shesaid。
`Whynot?Feelingentangledwiththeotherman?Well!Ifyouwantthetruthfromme,mychild,it’sthis。Theworldgoeson。Wragbystandsandwillgoonstanding。Theworldismoreorlessafixedthingand,externally,wehavetoadaptourselvestoit。Privately,inmyprivateopinion,wecanpleaseourselves。Emotionschange。Youmaylikeonemanthisyearandanothernext。ButWragbystillstands。StickbyWragbyasfarasWragbysticksbyyou。Thenpleaseyourself。Butyou’llgetverylittleoutofmakingabreak。Youcanmakeabreakifyouwish。Youhaveanindependentincome,theonlythingthatneverletsyoudown。Butyouwon’tgetmuchoutofit。PutalittlebaronetinWragby。It’sanamusingthingtodo。’
AndSirMalcolmsatbackandsmiledagain。Conniedidnotanswer。
`Ihopeyouhadarealmanatlast,’hesaidtoherafterawhile,sensuallyalert。
`Idid。That’sthetrouble。Therearen’tmanyofthemabout,’shesaid。
`No,byGod!’hemused。`Therearen’t!Well,mydear,tolookatyou,hewasaluckyman。Surelyhewouldn’tmaketroubleforyou?’
`Ohno!Heleavesmemyownmistressentirely。’
`Quite!Quite!Agenuinemanwould。’
SirMalcolmwaspleased。Conniewashisfavouritedaughter,hehadalwayslikedthefemaleinher。NotsomuchofhermotherinherasinHilda。
AndhehadalwaysdislikedClifford。Sohewaspleased,andverytenderwithhisdaughter,asiftheunbornchildwerehischild。
HedrovewithhertoHartland’shotel,andsawherinstalled:thenwentroundtohisclub。Shehadrefusedhiscompanyfortheevening。
ShefoundaletterfromMellors。Iwon’tcomeroundtoyourhotel,butI’llwaitforyououtsidetheGoldenCockinAdamStreetatseven。Therehestood,tallandslender,andsodifferent,inaformalsuitofthindarkcloth。Hehadanaturaldistinction,buthehadnotthecut-to-patternlookofherclass。Yet,shesawatonce,hecouldgoanywhere。Hehadanativebreedingwhichwasreallymuchnicerthanthecut-to-patternclassthing。
`Ah,thereyouare!Howwellyoulook!’
`Yes!Butnotyou。’
Shelookedinhisfaceanxiously。Itwasthin,andthecheekbonesshowed。
Buthiseyessmiledather,andshefeltathomewithhim。Thereitwas:
suddenly,thetensionofkeepingupherappearancesfellfromher。Somethingflowedoutofhimphysically,thatmadeherfeelinwardlyateaseandhappy,athome。Withawoman’snowalertinstinctforhappiness,sheregistereditatonce。`I’mhappywhenhe’sthere!’NotallthesunshineofVenicehadgivenherthisinwardexpansionandwarmth。
`Wasithorridforyou?’sheaskedasshesatoppositehimattable。
Hewastoothin;shesawitnow。Hishandlayassheknewit,withthecuriouslooseforgottennessofasleepinganimal。Shewantedsomuchtotakeitandkissit。Butshedidnotquitedare。
`Peoplearealwayshorrid,’hesaid。
`Anddidyoumindverymuch?’
`Iminded,asIalwaysshallmind。AndIknewIwasafooltomind。’
`Didyoufeellikeadogwithatincantiedtoitstail?Cliffordsaidyoufeltlikethat。’
Helookedather。Itwascruelofheratthatmoment:forhispridehadsufferedbitterly。
`IsupposeIdid,’hesaid。
Sheneverknewthefiercebitternesswithwhichheresentedinsult。
Therewasalongpause。
`Anddidyoumissme?’sheasked。
`Iwasgladyouwereoutofit。’
Againtherewasapause。
`Butdidpeoplebelieveaboutyouandme?’sheasked。
`No!Idon’tthinksoforamoment。’
`DidClifford?’
`Ishouldsaynot。Heputitoffwithoutthinkingaboutit。Butnaturallyitmadehimwanttoseethelastofme。’
`I’mgoingtohaveachild。’
Theexpressiondiedutterlyoutofhisface,outofhiswholebody。
Helookedatherwithdarkenedeyes,whoselookshecouldnotunderstandatall:likesomedark-flamedspiritlookingather。
`Sayyou’reglad!’shepleaded,gropingforhishand。Andshesawacertainexultancespringupinhim。Butitwasnetteddownbythingsshecouldnotunderstand。
`It’sthefuture,’hesaid。
`Butaren’tyouglad?’shepersisted。
`Ihavesuchaterriblemistrustofthefuture。’
`Butyouneedn’tbetroubledbyanyresponsibility。Cliffordwouldhaveitashisown,he’dbeglad。’
Shesawhimgopale,andrecoilunderthis。Hedidnotanswer。
`ShallIgobacktoCliffordandputalittlebaronetintoWragby?’
sheasked。
Helookedather,paleandveryremote。Theuglylittlegrinflickeredonhisface。
`Youwouldn’thavetotellhimwhothefatherwas?’
`Oh!’shesaid;`he’dtakeiteventhen,ifIwantedhimto。’
Hethoughtforatime。
`Ay!’hesaidatlast,tohimself。`Isupposehewould。’
Therewassilence。Abiggulfwasbetweenthem。
`Butyoudon’twantmetogobacktoClifford,doyou?’sheaskedhim。
`Whatdoyouwantyourself?’hereplied。
`Iwanttolivewithyou,’shesaidsimply。
Inspiteofhimself,littleflamesranoverhisbellyasheheardhersayit,andhedroppedhishead。Thenhelookedupatheragain,withthosehauntedeyes。
`Ifit’sworthittoyou,’hesaid。`I’vegotnothing。’
`You’vegotmorethanmostmen。Come,youknowit,’shesaid。
`Inoneway,Iknowit。’Hewassilentforatime,thinking。Thenheresumed:`TheyusedtosayIhadtoomuchofthewomaninme。Butit’snotthat。I’mnotawomannotbecauseIdon’twanttoshootbirds,neitherbecauseIdon’twanttomakemoney,orgeton。Icouldhavegotoninthearmy,easily,butIdidn’tlikethearmy。ThoughIcouldmanagethemenallright:theylikedmeandtheyhadabitofaholyfearofmewhenI
gotmad。No,itwasstupid,dead-handedhigherauthoritythatmadethearmydead:absolutelyfool-dead。Ilikemen,andmenlikeme。ButIcan’tstandthetwaddlingbossyimpudenceofthepeoplewhorunthisworld。That’swhyIcan’tgeton。Ihatetheimpudenceofmoney,andIhatetheimpudenceofclass。Sointheworldasitis,whathaveItoofferawoman?’
`Butwhyofferanything?It’snotabargain。It’sjustthatweloveoneanother,’shesaid。
`Nay,nay!It’smorethanthat。Livingismovingandmovingon。Mylifewon’tgodownthepropergutters,itjustwon’t。SoI’mabitofawasteticketbymyself。AndI’venobusinesstotakeawomanintomylife,unlessmylifedoessomethingandgetssomewhere,inwardlyatleast,tokeepusbothfresh。Amanmustofferawomansomemeaninginhislife,ifit’sgoingtobeanisolatedlife,andifshe’sagenuinewoman。Ican’tbejustyourmaleconcubine。’
`Whynot?’shesaid。
`Why,becauseIcan’t。Andyouwouldsoonhateit。’
`Asifyoucouldn’ttrustme,’shesaid。
Thegrinflickeredonhisface。
`Themoneyisyours,thepositionisyours,thedecisionswillliewithyou。I’mnotjustmyLady’sfucker,afterall。’
`Whatelseareyou?’
`Youmaywellask。Itnodoubtisinvisible。YetI’msomethingtomyselfatleast。Icanseethepointofmyownexistence,thoughIcanquiteunderstandnobodyelse’sseeingit。’
`Andwillyourexistencehavelesspoint,ifyoulivewithme?’
Hepausedalongtimebeforereplying:
`Itmight。’
Shetoostayedtothinkaboutit。
`Andwhatisthepointofyourexistence?’
`Itellyou,it’sinvisible。Idon’tbelieveintheworld,notinmoney,norinadvancement,norinthefutureofourcivilization。Ifthere’sgottobeafutureforhumanity,there’llhavetobeaverybigchangefromwhatnowis。’
`Andwhatwilltherealfuturehavetobelike?’
`Godknows!Icanfeelsomethinginsideme,allmixedupwithalotofrage。Butwhatitreallyamountsto,Idon’tknow。’
`ShallItellyou?’shesaid,lookingintohisface。`ShallItellyouwhatyouhavethatothermendon’thave,andthatwillmakethefuture?
ShallItellyou?’
`Tellmethen,’hereplied。
`It’sthecourageofyourowntenderness,that’swhatitis:likewhenyouputyourhandonmytailandsayI’vegotaprettytail。’
Thegrincameflickeringonhisface。
`That!’hesaid。
Thenhesatthinking。
`Ay!’hesaid。`You’reright。It’sthatreally。It’sthatallthewaythrough。Iknewitwiththemen。Ihadtobeintouchwiththem,physically,andnotgobackonit。Ihadtobebodilyawareofthemandabittendertothem,evenifIputemthroughhell。It’saquestionofawareness,asBuddhasaid。Butevenhefoughtshyofthebodilyawareness,andthatnaturalphysicaltenderness,whichisthebest,evenbetweenmen;inapropermanlyway。Makes’emreallymanly,notsomonkeyish。Ay!it’stenderness,really;
it’scunt-awareness。Sexisreallyonlytouch,theclosestofalltouch。
Andit’stouchwe’reafraidof。We’reonlyhalf-conscious,andhalfalive。
We’vegottocomealiveandaware。EspeciallytheEnglishhavegottogetintotouchwithoneanother,abitdelicateandabittender。It’sourcryingneed。’
Shelookedathim。
`Thenwhyareyouafraidofme?’shesaid。
Helookedatheralongtimebeforeheanswered。
`It’sthemoney,really,andtheposition。It’stheworldinyou。’
`Butisn’ttheretendernessinme?’shesaidwistfully。
Helookeddownather,withdarkened,abstracteyes。
`Ay!Itcomesan’goes,likeinme。’
`Butcan’tyoutrustitbetweenyouandme?’sheasked,gazinganxiouslyathim。
Shesawhisfaceallsofteningdown,losingitsarmour。`Maybe!’hesaid。Theywerebothsilent。
`Iwantyoutoholdmeinyourarms,’shesaid。`Iwantyoutotellmeyouaregladwearehavingachild。’
Shelookedsolovelyandwarmandwistful,hisbowelsstirredtowardsher。
`Isupposewecangotomyroom,’hesaid。`Thoughit’sscandalousagain。’
Butshesawtheforgetfulnessoftheworldcomingoverhimagain,hisfacetakingthesoft,purelookoftenderpassion。
TheywalkedbytheremoterstreetstoCoburgSquare,wherehehadaroomatthetopofthehouse,anatticroomwherehecookedforhimselfonagasring。Itwassmall,butdecentandtidy。
Shetookoffherthings,andmadehimdothesame。Shewaslovelyinthesoftfirstflushofherpregnancy。
`Ioughttoleaveyoualone,’hesaid。
`No!’shesaid。`Loveme!Loveme,andsayyou’llkeepme。Sayyou’llkeepme!Sayyou’llneverletmego,totheworldnortoanybody。’
Shecreptcloseagainsthim,clingingfasttohisthin,strongnakedbody,theonlyhomeshehadeverknown。
`ThenI’llkeepthee,’hesaid。`Ifthawantsit,thenI’llkeepthee。’
Heheldherroundandfast。
`Andsayyou’regladaboutthechild,’sherepeated。
`Kissit!Kissmywombandsayyou’regladit’sthere。’
Butthatwasmoredifficultforhim。
`I’veadreadofputtin’childreni’th’world,’hesaid。`I’vesuchadreado’th’futurefor’em。’
`Butyou’veputitintome。Betendertoit,andthatwillbeitsfuturealready。Kissit!’
Hequivered,becauseitwastrue。`Betendertoit,andthatwillbeitsfuture。’——Atthatmomenthefeltasheerloveforthewoman。HekissedherbellyandhermoundofVenus,tokissclosetothewombandthefoetuswithinthewomb。
`Oh,youloveme!Youloveme!’shesaid,inalittlecrylikeoneofherblind,inarticulatelovecries。Andhewentintohersoftly,feelingthestreamoftendernessflowinginreleasefromhisbowelstohers,thebowelsofcompassionkindledbetweenthem。
Andherealizedashewentintoherthatthiswasthethinghehadtodo,toeintotendertouch,withoutlosinghisprideorhisdignityorhisintegrityasaman。Afterall,ifshehadmoneyandmeans,andhehadnone,heshouldbetooproudandhonourabletoholdbackhistendernessfromheronthataccount。`Istandforthetouchofbodilyawarenessbetweenhumanbeings,’hesaidtohimself,`andthetouchoftenderness。Andsheismymate。Anditisabattleagainstthemoney,andthemachine,andtheinsentientidealmonkeyishnessoftheworld。Andshewillstandbehindmethere。ThankGodI’vegotawoman!ThankGodI’vegotawomanwhoiswithme,andtenderandawareofme。ThankGodshe’snotabully,norafool。ThankGodshe’satender,awarewoman。’Andashisseedspranginher,hissoulsprangtowardshertoo,inthecreativeactthatisfarmorethanprocreative。