“But,asIlookuponthisportraitandlistentoyoursmilethatwhispersofrapture,theraysofahopewhichIhadsternlybanishedpiercedthegloom,likethelightofdawn,againtobeobscuredbyrisingmistsofdoubtandfearofyourdispleasure,ifthemorningshouldbreaktoday。No,itisimpossibleyoushouldlovemeyet——Ifeelit;butintime,asyoumakeproofofthestrength,theconstancy,anddepthofmyaffection,youmayyieldmesomefootholdinyourheart。Ifmydaringoffendsyou,tellmesowithoutanger,andIwillreturntomyformerpart。Butifyouconsenttotryandloveme,bemercifulandbreakitgentlytoonewhohasplacedthehappinessofhislifeinthesinglethoughtofservingyou。“
Mydear,asIreadtheselastwords,heseemedtorisebeforeme,paleasthenightwhenthecamelliastoldtheirstoryandheknewhisofferingwasaccepted。Thesewords,intheirhumility,wereclearlysomethingquitedifferentfromtheusualfloweryrhetoricoflovers,andawaveoffeelingbrokeoverme;itwasthebreathofhappiness。
Theweatherhasbeenatrocious;impossibletogototheBoiswithoutexcitingallsortsofsuspicions。Evenmymother,whooftengoesout,regardlessofrain,remainsathome,andalone。
Wednesdayevening。
Ihavejustseen/him/attheOpera,mydear;heisanotherman。Hecametoourbox,introducedbytheSardinianambassador。
Havingreadinmyeyesthatthisaudacitywastakeningoodpart,heseemedawkwardlyconsciousofhislimbs,andaddressedtheMarquised’Espardas“mademoiselle。“Alightfarbrighterthantheglareofthechandeliersflashedfromhiseyes。Atlasthewentoutwiththeairofamanwhodidn’tknowwhathemightdonext。
“TheBarondeMacumerisinlove!“exclaimedMme。deMaufrigneuse。
“Strange,isn’tit,forafallenminister?“repliedmymother。
IhadsufficientpresenceofmindmyselftoregardwithcuriosityMmes。deMaufrigneuseandd’Espardandmymother,asthoughtheyweretalkingaforeignlanguageandIwantedtoknowwhatitwasallabout,butinwardlymysoulsankinthewavesofanintoxicatingjoy。ThereisonlyonewordtoexpresswhatIfelt,andthatis:rapture。SuchloveasFelipe’ssurelymakeshimworthyofmine。Iamtheverybreathofhislife,myhandsholdthethreadthatguideshisthoughts。Tobequitefrank,Ihaveamadlongingtoseehimcleareveryobstacleandstandbeforeme,askingboldlyformyhand。ThenIshouldknowwhetherthisstormoflovewouldsinktoplacidcalmataglancefromme。
Ah!mydear,Istoppedhere,andIamstillallinatremble。AsI
wrote,Iheardaslightnoiseoutside,androsetoseewhatitwas。
FrommywindowIcouldseehimcomingalongtheridgeofthewallattheriskofhislife。Iwenttothebedroomwindowandmadehimasign,itwasenough;heleapedfromthewall——tenfeet——andthenranalongtheroad,asfarasIcouldseehim,inordertoshowmethathewasnothurt。Thatheshouldthinkofmyfearatthemomentwhenhemusthavebeenstunnedbyhisfall,movedmesomuchthatIamstillcrying;Idon’tknowwhy。Poorungainlyman!whatwashecomingfor?
whathadhetosaytome?
Idarenotwritemythoughts,andshallgotobedjoyful,thinkingofallthatwewouldsayifweweretogether。Farewell,fairsilentone。
Ihavenottimetoscoldyoufornotwriting,butitismorethanamonthsinceIhaveheardfromyou!Doesthismeanthatyouareatlasthappy?Haveyoulostthe“completeindependence“whichyouweresoproudof,andwhichto-nighthassonearlyplayedmefalse?
Iflovebethelifeoftheworld,whydoausterephilosopherscountitfornothinginmarriage?WhyshouldSocietytakeforitsfirstlawthatthewomanmustbesacrificedtothefamily,introducingthusanoteofdiscordintotheveryheartofmarriage?Andthisdiscordwasforeseen,sinceitwastomeetthedangersarisingfromitthatmenwerearmedwithnew-foundpowersagainstus。Butforthese,weshouldhavebeenabletobringtheirwholetheorytonothing,whetherbytheforceofloveorofasecret,persistentaversion。
Iseeinmarriage,asitatpresentexists,twoopposingforceswhichitwasthetaskofthelawgivertoreconcile。“Whenwilltheybereconciled?“Isaidtomyself,asIreadyourletter。Oh!mydear,onesuchletteraloneisenoughtooverthrowthewholefabricconstructedbythesageofAveyron,underwhoseshelterIhadsocheerfullyensconcedmyself!Thelawsweremadebyoldmen——anywomancanseethat——andtheyhavebeenprudentenoughtodecreethatconjugallove,apartfrompassion,isnotdegrading,andthatawomaninyieldingherselfmaydispensewiththesanctionoflove,providedthemancanlegallycallherhis。IntheirexclusiveconcernforthefamilytheyhaveimitatedNature,whoseonecareistopropagatethespecies。
FormerlyIwasaperson,nowIamachattel。NotafewtearshaveI
gulpeddown,aloneandfarfromeveryone。HowgladlywouldIhaveexchangedthemforaconsolingsmile!Whyareourdestiniessounequal?Yoursoulexpandsintheatmosphereofalawfulpassion。Foryou,virtuewillcoincidewithpleasure。Ifyouencounterpain,itwillbeofyourownfreechoice。Yourduty,ifyoumarryFelipe,willbeonewiththesweetest,freestindulgenceoffeeling。Ourfutureisbigwiththeanswertomyquestion,andIlookforitwithrestlesseagerness。
Youloveandareadored。Oh!mydear,letthisnobleromance,theoldsubjectofourdreams,takefullpossessionofyoursoul。Womanlybeauty,refinedandspiritualizedinyou,wascreatedbyGod,forHisownpurposes,tocharmandtodelight。Yes,mysweet,guardwellthesecretofyourheart,andsubmitFelipetothoseingeniousdevicesofoursfortestingalover’smetal。Aboveall,maketrialofyourownlove,forthisisevenmoreimportant。Itissoeasytobemisledbythedeceptiveglamourofnoveltyandpassion,andbythevisionofhappiness。
Aloneofthetwofriends,youremaininyourmaidenindependence;andIbeseechyou,dearest,donotrisktheirrevocablestepofmarriagewithoutsomeguarantee。Ithappenssometimes,whentwoaretalkingtogether,apartfromtheworld,theirsoulsstrippedofsocialdisguise,thatagesture,aword,alooklightsup,asbyaflash,somedarkabyss。Youhavecourageandstrengthtotreadboldlyinpathswhereotherswouldbelost。
YouhavenoconceptioninwhatanxietyIwatchyou。AcrossallthisspaceIseeyou;myheartbeatswithyours。Besure,therefore,towriteandtellmeeverything。Yourletterscreateaninnerlifeofpassionwithinmyhomely,peacefulhousehold,whichremindsmeofalevelhighroadonagrayday。Theonlyeventhere,mysweet,isthatI
amplayingcross-purposeswithmyself。ButIdon’twanttotellyouaboutitjustnow;itmustwaitforanotherday。Withdoggedobstinacy,Ipassfromdespairtohope,nowyielding,nowholdingback。ItmaybethatIaskfromlifemorethanwehavearighttoclaim。Inyouthwearesoreadytobelievethattheidealandtherealwillharmonize!
Ihavebeenponderingalone,seatedbeneatharockinmypark,andthefruitofmyponderingisthatloveinmarriageisahappyaccidentonwhichitisimpossibletobaseauniversallaw。MyAveyronphilosopherisrightinlookingonthefamilyastheonlypossibleunitinsociety,andinplacingwomaninsubjectiontothefamily,asshehasbeeninallages。Thesolutionofthisgreat——forusalmostawful——
questionliesinourfirstchild。Forthisreason,Iwouldgladlybeamother,wereitonlytosupplyfoodfortheconsumingenergyofmysoul。
Louis’temperremainsasperfectasever;hisloveisoftheactive,mytendernessofthepassive,type。Heishappy,pluckingtheflowerswhichbloomforhim,withouttroublingaboutthelaboroftheearthwhichhasproducedthem。Blessedself-absorption!Atwhatevercosttomyself,Ifallinwithhisillusions,asamother,inmyideaofher,shouldbereadytospendherselftosatisfyafancyofherchild。Theintensityofhisjoyblindshim,andeventhrowsitsreflectionuponme。Thesmileorlookofsatisfactionwhichtheknowledgeofhiscontentbringstomyfaceisenoughtosatisfyhim。Andso,“mychild“
isthepetnamewhichIgivehimwhenwearealone。
AndIwaitforthefruitofallthesesacrificeswhichremainasecretbetweenGod,myself,andyou。OnmotherhoodIhavestakedenormously;
mycreditaccountisnowtoolarge,IfearIshallneverreceivefullpayment。ToitIlookforemploymentofmyenergy,expansionofmyheart,andthecompensationofaworldofjoys。PrayHeavenIbenotdeceived!Itisaquestionofallmyfutureand,horriblethought,ofmyvirtue。
Dearweddedsweetheart,——YourletterhasarrivedattheverymomenttoheartenmeforaboldstepwhichIhavebeenmeditatingnightandday。
Ifeelwithinmeastrangecravingfortheunknown,or,ifyouwill,theforbidden,whichmakesmeuneasyandrevealsaconflictinprogressinmysoulbetweenthelawsofsocietyandofnature。I
cannottellwhethernatureinmeisthestrongerofthetwo,butI
surprisemyselfintheactofmeditatingbetweenthehostilepowers。
Inplainwords,whatIwantedwastospeakwithFelipe,alone,atnight,underthelime-treesatthebottomofourgarden。Thereisnodenyingthatthisdesirebeseemsthegirlwhohasearnedtheepithetofan“up-to-dateyounglady,“bestowedonmebytheDuchessinjest,andwhichmyfatherhasapproved。
Yettomethereseemsamethodinthismadness。IshouldrecompenseFelipeforthelongnightshehaspassedundermywindow,atthesametimethatIshouldtesthim,byseeingwhathethinksofmyescapadeandhowhecomportshimselfatacriticalmoment。Lethimcastahaloroundmyfolly——beholdinhimmyhusband;lethimshowoneiotalessofthetremulousrespectwithwhichhebowstomeintheChamps-
Elysees——farewell,DonFelipe。
Asforsociety,IrunlessriskinmeetingmyloverthusthanwhenI
smiletohiminthedrawing-roomsofMme。deMaufrigneuseandtheoldMarquisedeBeauseant,wherespiesnowsurroundusoneveryside;andHeavenonlyknowshowpeoplestareatthegirl,suspectedofaweaknessforagrotesque,likeMacumer。
IcannottellyoutowhatastateofagitationIamreducedbydreamingofthisidea,andthetimeIhavegiventoplanningitsexecution。Iwantedyoubadly。Whathappyhoursweshouldhavechatteredaway,lostinthemazesofuncertainty,enjoyinginanticipationallthedelightsandhorrorsofafirstmeetinginthesilenceofnight,underthenoblelime-treesoftheChaulieumansion,withthemoonlightdancingthroughtheleaves!AsIsatalone,everynervetingling,Icried,“Oh!Renee,whereareyou?“Thenyourlettercame,likeamatchtogunpowder,andmylastscrupleswentbytheboard。
ThroughthewindowItossedtomybewilderedadoreranexacttracingofthekeyofthelittlegateattheendofthegarden,togetherwiththisnote:
“Yourmadnessmustreallybeputastopto。Ifyoubrokeyourneck,youwouldruinthereputationofthewomanyouprofesstolove。Areyouworthyofanewproofofregard,anddoyoudeservethatIshouldtalkwithyouunderthelimesatthefootofthegardenatthehourwhenthemoonthrowsthemintoshadow?“
Yesterdayatoneo’clock,whenGriffithwasgoingtobed,Isaidtoher:
“Takeyourshawl,dear,andcomeoutwithme。Iwanttogotothebottomofthegardenwithoutanyoneknowing。“
Withoutaword,shefollowedme。Oh!myRenee,whatanawfulmomentwhen,afteralittlepausefullofdeliciousthrillsofagony,Isawhimglidingalonglikeashadow。Whenhehadreachedthegardensafely,IsaidtoGriffith:
“Don’tbeastonished,buttheBarondeMacumerishere,and,indeed,itisonthataccountIbroughtyouwithme。“
NoreplyfromGriffith。
“Whatwouldyouhavewithme?“saidFelipe,inatoneofsuchagitationthatitwaseasytoseehewasdrivenbesidehimselfbythenoise,slightasitwas,ofourdressesinthesilenceofthenightandofourstepsuponthegravel。
“IwanttosaytoyouwhatIcouldnotwrite,“Ireplied。
Griffithwithdrewafewsteps。Itwasoneofthosemildnights,whentheairisheavywiththescentofflowers。Myheadswamwiththeintoxicatingdelightoffindingmyselfallbutalonewithhiminthefriendlyshadeofthelime-trees,beyondwhichlaythegarden,shiningallthemorebrightlybecausethewhitefacadeofthehousereflectedthemoonlight。Thecontrastseemed,asitwere,anemblemofourclandestineloveleadinguptotheglaringpublicityofawedding。
Neitherofuscoulddomoreatfirstthandrinkinsilentlytheecstasyofamoment,asnewandmarvelousforhimasforme。AtlastI
foundtonguetosay,pointingtotheelm-tree:
“AlthoughIamnotafraidofscandal,youshallnotclimbthattreeagain。Wehavelongenoughplayedschoolboyandschoolgirl,letusrisenowtotheheightofourdestiny。Hadthatfallkilledyou,I
shouldhavedieddisgraced……“
Ilookedathim。Everyscrapofcolorhadlefthisface。
“Andifyouhadbeenfoundthere,suspicionwouldhaveattachedeithertomymotherortome……“
“Forgiveme,“hemurmured。