Acontractofthiskind,directlyopposedtothelegalcontract,andeventothesacramentitself,couldbeconcludedonlybetweenLouisandme。Thisdifficulty,thefirstwhichhasarisen,istheonlyonewhichhasdelayedthecompletionofourmarriage。Although,atfirst,Imayhavemadeupmymindtoacceptanythingratherthanreturntotheconvent,itisonlyinhumannature,havinggotaninch,toaskforanell,andyouandI,sweetlove,areofthosewhowouldhaveitall。
IwatchedLouisoutofthecornerofmyeye,andputittomyself,“Hassufferinghadasofteningorahardeningeffectonhim?“Bydintofclosestudy,Iarrivedattheconclusionthathisloveamountedtoapassion。Oncetransformedintoanidol,whoseslightestfrownwouldturnhimwhiteandtrembling,IrealizedthatImightventureanything。Idrewhimasideinthemostnaturalmanneronsolitarywalks,duringwhichIdiscreetlysoundedhisfeelings。Imadehimtalk,andgothimtoexpoundtomehisideasandplansforourfuture。
Myquestionsbetrayedsomanypreconceivednotions,andwentsostraightfortheweakpointsinthisterribledualexistence,thatLouishassinceconfessedtomethealarmitcausedhimtofindinmesolittleoftheignorantmaiden。
ThenIlistenedtowhathehadtosayinreply。Hegotmixedupinhisarguments,aspeopledowhenhandicappedbyfear;andbeforelongitbecameclearthatchancehadgivenmeforadversaryonewhowasthelessfittedforthecontestbecausehewasconsciousofwhatyoumagniloquentlycallmy“greatnessofsoul。“Brokenbysufferingsandmisfortune,helookedonhimselfasasortofwreck,andthreefearsinespecialhauntedhim。
First,weareagedrespectivelythirty-sevenandseventeen;andhecouldnotcontemplatewithoutquakingthetwentyyearsthatdivideus。
Inthenextplace,hesharesourviewsonthesubjectofmybeauty,anditiscruelforhimtoseehowthehardshipsofhislifehaverobbedhimofyouth。Finally,hefeltthesuperiorityofmywomanhoodoverhismanhood。Theconsciousnessofthesethreeobviousdrawbacksmadehimdistrustfulofhimself;hedoubtedhispowertomakemehappy,andguessedthathehadbeenchosenasthelesseroftwoevils。
OneeveninghetentativelysuggestedthatIonlymarriedhimtoescapetheconvent。
“Icannotdenyit,“wasmygravereply。
Mydear,ittouchedmetothehearttoseethetwogreattearswhichstoodinhiseyes。NeverbeforehadIexperiencedtheshockofemotionwhichamancanimparttous。
“Louis,“Iwenton,askindlyasIcould,“itrestsentirelywithyouwhetherthismarriageofconveniencebecomesonetowhichIcangivemywholeheart。ThefavorIamabouttoaskfromyouwilldemandunselfishnessonyourpart,farnoblerthantheservitudetowhichaman’slove,whensincere,issupposedtoreducehim。Thequestionis,CanyourisetotheheightoffriendshipsuchasIunderstandit?
“Lifegivesusbutonefriend,andIwishtobeyours。Friendshipisthebondbetweenapairofkindredsouls,unitedintheirstrength,andyetindependent。Letusbefriendsandcomradestobearjointlytheburdenoflife。Leavemeabsolutelyfree。Iwouldputnohindranceinthewayofyourinspiringmewithalovesimilartoyourown;butI
amdeterminedtobeyoursonlyofmyownfreegift。Createinmethewishtogiveupmyfreedom,andatonceIlayitatyourfeet。
“Infusewithpassion,then,ifyouwill,thisfriendship,andletthevoiceoflovedisturbitscalm。OnmypartIwilldowhatIcantobringmyfeelingsintoaccordwithyours。Onething,aboveall,I
wouldbegofyou。Sparemetheannoyancestowhichthestrangenessofourmutualpositionmightgiverisetoourrelationswithothers。Iamneitherwhimsicalnorprudish,andshouldbesorrytogetthatreputation;butIfeelsurethatIcantrusttoyourhonorwhenIaskyoutokeepuptheoutwardappearanceofweddedlife。“
Never,dear,haveIseenamansohappyasmyproposalmadeLouis。Theblazeofjoywhichkindledinhiseyesdriedupthetears。
“Donotfancy,“Iconcluded,“thatIaskthisfromanywishtobeeccentric。ItisthegreatdesireIhaveforyourrespectwhichpromptsmyrequest。Ifyouowethecrownofyourlovemerelytothelegalandreligiousceremony,whatgratitudecouldyoufeeltomelaterforagiftinwhichmygoodwillcountedfornothing?IfduringthetimethatIremainedindifferenttoyouyieldingonlyapassiveobedience,suchasmymotherhasjustbeenurgingonmeachildwereborntous,doyousupposethatIcouldfeeltowardsitasIwouldtowardsonebornofourcommonlove?Apassionatelovemaynotbenecessaryinmarriage,but,atleast,youwilladmitthatthereshouldbenorepugnance。Ourpositionwillnotbewithoutitsdangers;inacountrylife,suchasourswillbe,oughtwenottobearinmindtheevanescentnatureofpassion?Isitnotsimpleprudencetomakeprovisionbeforehandagainstthecalamitiesincidenttochangeoffeeling?“
Hewasgreatlyastonishedtofindmeatoncesoreasonableandsoaptatreasoning;buthemademeasolemnpromise,afterwhichItookhishandandpresseditaffectionately。
Weweremarriedattheendoftheweek。Secureofmyfreedom,Iwasabletothrowmyselfgailyintothepettydetailswhichalwaysaccompanyaceremonyofthekind,andtobemynaturalself。PerhapsI
mayhavebeentakenforanoldbird,astheysayatBlois。Ayounggirl,delightedwiththenovelandhopefulsituationshehadcontrivedtomakeforherself,andmayhavepassedforastrong-mindedfemale。
Dear,thedifficultieswhichwouldbesetmylifehadappearedtomeclearlyasinavision,andIwassincerelyanxioustomakethehappinessofthemanImarried。Now,inthesolitudeofalifelikeours,marriagesoonbecomesintolerableunlessthewomanisthepresidingspirit。Awomaninsuchacaseneedsthecharmofamistress,combinedwiththesolidqualitiesofawife。Tointroduceanelementofuncertaintyintopleasureistoprolongillusion,andrenderlastingthoseselfishsatisfactionswhichallcreatureshold,andshouldshroudawomaninexpectancy,crownhersovereign,andinvestherwithanexhaustlesspower,aredundancyoflife,thatmakeseverythingblossomaroundher。Themoresheismistressofherself,themorecertainlywilltheloveandhappinessshecreatesbefittoweatherthestormsoflife。
But,aboveall,Ihaveinsistedonthegreatestsecrecyinregardtoourdomesticarrangements。Ahusbandwhosubmitstohiswife’syokeisjustlyheldanobjectofridicule。Awoman’sinfluenceoughttobeentirelyconcealed。Thecharmofallwedoliesinitsunobtrusiveness。IfIhavemadeitmytasktoraiseadroopingcourageandrestoretheirnaturalbrightnesstogiftswhichIhavedimlydescried,itmustallseemtospringfromLouishimself。
SuchisthemissiontowhichIdedicatemyself,amissionsurelynotignoble,andwhichmightwellsatisfyawoman’sambition。Why,Icouldgloryinthissecretwhichshallfillmylifewithinterest,inthistasktowardswhichmyeveryenergyshallbebent,whileitremainsconcealedfromallbutGodandyou。
Iamverynearlyhappynow,butshouldIbesowithoutafriendlyheartinwhichtopourtheconfession?Forhowmakeaconfidantofhim?Myhappinesswouldwoundhim,andhastobeconcealed。Heissensitiveasawoman,likeallmenwhohavesufferedmuch。
Forthreemonthsweremainedaswewerebeforemarriage。Asyoumayimagine,duringthistimeImadeaclosestudyofmanysmallpersonalmatters,whichhavemoretodowithlovethanisgenerallysupposed。
Inspiteofmycoldness,Louisgrewbolder,andhisnatureexpanded。I
sawonhisfaceanewexpression,alookofyouth。ThegreaterrefinementwhichIintroducedintothehousewasreflectedinhisperson。InsensiblyIbecameaccustomedtohispresence,andmadeanotherselfofhim。BydintofconstantwatchingIdiscoveredhowhismindandcountenanceharmonize。“Theanimalthatwecallahusband,“
toquoteyourwords,disappeared,andonebalmyeveningIdiscoveredinhissteadalover,whosewordsthrilledmeandonwhosearmIleantwithpleasurebeyondwords。Inshort,tobeopenwithyou,asIwouldbewithGod,beforewhomconcealmentisimpossible,theperfectloyaltywithwhichhehadkepthisoathmayhavepiquedme,andIfeltaflutteringofcuriosityinmyheart。Bitterlyashamed,Istruggledwithmyself。Alas!whenprideistheonlymotiveforresistance,excusesforcapitulationaresoonfound。
Wecelebratedourunioninsecret,andsecretitmustremainbetweenus。Whenyouaremarriedyouwillapprovethisreserve。Enoughthatnothingwaslackingeitherofsatisfactionforthemostfastidioussentiment,orofthatunexpectednesswhichbrings,inasense,itsownsanction。Everywitcheryofimagination,ofpassion,ofreluctanceovercome,oftheidealpassingintoreality,playeditspart。
Yet,inspiteofallthisenchantment,Ioncemorestoodoutformycompleteindependence。Ican’ttellyouallmyreasonsforthis。ToyoualoneshallIconfideevenasmuchasthis。Ibelievethatwomen,whetherpassionatelylovedornot,losemuchintheirrelationwiththeirhusbandsbynotconcealingtheirfeelingsaboutmarriageandthewaytheylookatit。
Myonejoy,anditissupreme,springsfromthecertaintyofhavingbroughtnewlifetomyhusbandbeforeIhavebornehimanychildren。
Louishasregainedhisyouth,strength,andspirits。Heisnotthesameman。WithmagictouchIhaveeffacedtheverymemoryofhissufferings。Itisacompletemetamorphosis。Louisisreallyveryattractivenow。Feelingsureofmyaffection,hethrowsoffhisreserveanddisplaysunsuspectedgifts。
Tobetheunceasingspringofhappinessforamanwhoknowsitandaddsgratitudetolove,ah!dearone,thisisaconvictionwhichfortifiesthesoul,evenmorethanthemostpassionatelovecando。
Theforcethusdeveloped——atonceimpetuousandenduring,simpleanddiversified——bringsforthultimatelythefamily,thatnobleproductofwomanhood,whichIrealizenowinallitsanimatingbeauty。
Theoldfatherhasceasedtobeamiser。HegivesblindlywhateverI
wishfor。Theservantsarecontent;itseemsasthoughtheblissofLouishadletafloodofsunshineintothehousehold,wherelovehasmademequeen。Eventheoldmanwouldnotbeablotuponmyprettyhome,andhasbroughthimselfintolinewithallmyimprovements;topleasemehehasadoptedthedress,andwiththedress,themannersoftheday。
WehaveEnglishhorses,acoupe,abarouche,andatilbury。Theliveryofourservantsissimplebutingoodtaste。Ofcoursewearelookedonasspendthrifts。IapplyallmyintellectIamspeakingquiteseriouslytomanagingmyhouseholdwitheconomy,andobtainingforitthemaximumofpleasurewiththeminimumofcost。
IhavealreadyconvincedLouisofthenecessityofgettingroadsmade,inorderthathemayearnthereputationofamaninterestedinthewelfareofhisdistrict。Iinsisttooonhisstudyingagreatdeal。
BeforelongIhopetoseehimamemberoftheCouncilGeneraloftheDepartment,throughtheinfluenceofmyfamilyandhismother’s。I
havetoldhimplainlythatIamambitious,andthatIwasverywellpleasedhisfathershouldcontinuetolookaftertheestateandpractiseeconomies,becauseIwishedhimtodevotehimselfexclusivelytopolitics。Ifwehadchildren,IshouldliketoseethemallprosperousandwithgoodStateappointments。Underpenalty,therefore,offorfeitingmyesteemandaffection,hemustgethimselfchosendeputyforthedepartmentatthecomingelections;myfamilywouldsupporthiscandidature,andweshouldthenhavethedelightofspendingallourwintersinParis。Ah!mylove,bytheardorwithwhichheembracedmyplans,Icangaugethedepthofhisaffection。
ToconcludehereisaletterhewrotemeyesterdayfromMarseilles,wherehehadgonetospendafewhours:
“MYSWEETRENEE,——Whenyougavemepermissiontoloveyou,Ibegantobelieveinhappiness;now,Iseeitunfoldingendlesslybeforeme。Thepastismerelyadimmemory,ashadowybackground,withoutwhichmypresentblisswouldshowlessradiant。WhenIamwithyou,lovesotransportsmethatIampowerlesstoexpressthedepthofmyaffection;Icanbutworshipandadmire。Onlyatadistancedoesthepowerofspeechreturn。Youaresupremelybeautiful,Renee,andyourbeautyisofthestatuesqueandregaltype,onwhichtimeleavesbutlittleimpression。Nodoubttheloveofhusbandandwifedependslessonoutwardbeautythanongracesofcharacter,whichareyoursalsoinperfection;still,letmesaythatthecertaintyofhavingyourunchangingbeauty,onwhichtofeastmyeyes,givesmeajoythatgrowswitheveryglance。Thereisagraceanddignityinthelinesofyourface,expressiveofthenoblesoulwithin,andbreathingofpuritybeneaththevividcoloring。Thebrillianceofyourdarkeyes,theboldsweepofyourforehead,declareaspiritofnocommonelevation,soundandtrustworthyineveryrelation,andwellbracedtomeetthestormsoflife,shouldsucharise。Thekeynoteofyourcharacterisitsfreedomfromallpettiness。Youdonotneedtobetoldallthis;butIwriteitbecauseIwouldhaveyouknowthatIappreciatethetreasureIpossess。Yourfavorstome,howeverslight,willalwaysmakemyhappinessinthefar-distantfutureasnow;forIamsensiblehowmuchdignitythereisinourpromisetorespecteachother’sliberty。Ourownimpulseshallwithusalonedictatetheexpressionoffeeling。Weshallbefreeeveninourfetters。IshallhavethemoreprideinwooingyouagainnowthatIknowtherewardyouplaceonvictory。Youcannotspeak,breathe,act,orthink,withoutaddingtotheadmirationI