ForIdidlovehimonce。Undeservingashewas，andlittleashethoughtofalltheseagoniesthatitcostme——agonieswhichshouldhavemadehimwhollyandgratefullyminetohislife’send——Ilovedhim。Iborewithhiscousin’spraisinghimtomyface，andwithherpretendingtothinkthatitpleasedme，butfullwellknowingthatitrankledinmybreast；forhissake。WhileIhavesatinhispresencerecallingallmyslightsandwrongs，anddeliberatingwhetherIshouldnotflyfromthehouseatonceandneverseehimagain——Ihavelovedhim。
　　HisauntmyMistressyouwillpleasetorememberdeliberately，wilfully，addedtomytrialsandvexations。ItwasherdelighttoexpatiateonthestyleinwhichweweretoliveinIndia，andontheestablishmentweshouldkeep，andthecompanyweshouldentertainwhenhegothisadvancement。Myprideroseagainstthisbarefacedwayofpointingoutthecontrastmymarriedlifewastopresenttomythendependentandinferiorposition。Isuppressedmyindignation；butIshowedherthatherintentionwasnotlostuponme，andIrepaidherannoyancebyaffectinghumility。Whatshedescribedwouldsurelybeagreatdealtoomuchhonourforme，Iwouldtellher。IwasafraidImightnotbeabletosupportsogreatachange。Thinkofameregoverness，herdaughter’sgoverness，comingtothathighdistinction!Itmadeheruneasy，andmadethemalluneasy，whenIansweredinthisway。TheyknewthatIfullyunderstoodher。
　　Itwasatthetimewhenmytroubleswereattheirhighest，andwhenIwasmostincensedagainstmyloverforhisingratitudeincaringaslittleashedidfortheinnumerabledistressesandmortificationsIunderwentonhisaccount，thatyourdearfriend，MrGowan，appearedatthehouse。Hehadbeenintimatethereforalongtime，buthadbeenabroad。Heunderstoodthestateofthingsataglance，andheunderstoodme。
　　HewasthefirstpersonIhadeverseeninmylifewhohadunderstoodme。HewasnotinthehousethreetimesbeforeIknewthatheaccompaniedeverymovementofmymind。Inhiscoldlyeasywaywithallofthem，andwithme，andwiththewholesubject，I
　　sawitclearly。Inhislightprotestationsofadmirationofmyfuturehusband，inhisenthusiasmregardingourengagementandourprospects，inhishopefulcongratulationsonourfuturewealthandhisdespondentreferencestohisownpoverty——allequallyhollow，andjesting，andfullofmockery——Isawitclearly。Hemademefeelmoreandmoreresentful，andmoreandmorecontemptible，byalwayspresentingtomeeverythingthatsurroundedmewithsomenewhatefullightuponit，whilehepretendedtoexhibititinitsbestaspectformyadmirationandhisown。Hewaslikethedressed-upDeathintheDutchseries；whateverfigurehetookuponhisarm，whetheritwasyouthorage，beautyorugliness，whetherhedancedwithit，sangwithit，playedwithit，orprayedwithit，hemadeitghastly。
　　Youwillunderstand，then，thatwhenyourdearfriendcomplimentedme，hereallycondoledwithme；thatwhenhesoothedmeundermyvexations，helaidbareeverysmartingwoundIhad；thatwhenhedeclaredmy’faithfulswain’tobe’themostlovingyoungfellowintheworld，withthetenderestheartthateverbeat，’hetouchedmyoldmisgivingthatIwasmaderidiculous。Thesewerenotgreatservices，youmaysay。Theywereacceptabletome，becausetheyechoedmyownmind，andconfirmedmyownknowledge。Isoonbegantolikethesocietyofyourdearfriendbetterthananyother。
　　WhenIperceivedwhichIdid，almostassoonthatjealousywasgrowingoutofthis，Ilikedthissocietystillbetter。HadInotbeensubjecttojealousy，andweretheendurancestobeallmine？
　　No。Lethimknowwhatitwas!Iwasdelightedthatheshouldknowit；Iwasdelightedthatheshouldfeelkeenly，andIhopedhedid。
　　Morethanthat。HewastameincomparisonwithMrGowan，whoknewhowtoaddressmeonequalterms，andhowtoanatomisethewretchedpeoplearoundus。
　　Thiswenton，untiltheaunt，myMistress，tookituponherselftospeaktome。Itwasscarcelyworthalludingto；sheknewImeantnothing；butshesuggestedfromherself，knowingitwasonlynecessarytosuggest，thatitmightbebetterifIwerealittlelesscompanionablewithMrGowan。
　　IaskedherhowshecouldanswerforwhatImeant？Shecouldalwaysanswer，shereplied，formymeaningnothingwrong。I
　　thankedher，butsaidIwouldprefertoanswerformyselfandtomyself。Herotherservantswouldprobablybegratefulforgoodcharacters，butIwantednone。
　　Otherconversationfollowed，andinducedmetoaskherhowsheknewthatitwasonlynecessaryforhertomakeasuggestiontome，tohaveitobeyed？Didshepresumeonmybirth，oronmyhire？Iwasnotbought，bodyandsoul。Sheseemedtothinkthatherdistinguishednephewhadgoneintoaslave-marketandpurchasedawife。
　　Itwouldprobablyhavecome，soonerorlater，totheendtowhichitdidcome，butshebroughtittoitsissueatonce。Shetoldme，withassumedcommiseration，thatIhadanunhappytemper。Onthisrepetitionoftheoldwickedinjury，Iwithheldnolonger，butexposedtoherallIhadknownofherandseeninher，andallI
　　hadundergonewithinmyselfsinceIhadoccupiedthedespicablepositionofbeingengagedtohernephew。ItoldherthatMrGowanwastheonlyreliefIhadhadinmydegradation；thatIhadborneittoolong，andthatIshookitofftoolate；butthatIwouldseenoneofthemmore。AndIneverdid。
　　Yourdearfriendfollowedmetomyretreat，andwasverydrollontheseveranceoftheconnection；thoughhewassorry，too，fortheexcellentpeopleintheirwaythebesthehadevermet，anddeploredthenecessityofbreakingmerehouse-fliesonthewheel。
　　Heprotestedbeforelong，andfarmoretrulythanIthensupposed，thathewasnotworthacceptancebyawomanofsuchendowments，andsuchpowerofcharacter；but——well，well!——
　　Yourdearfriendamusedmeandamusedhimselfaslongasitsuitedhisinclinations；andthenremindedmethatwewerebothpeopleoftheworld，thatwebothunderstoodmankind，thatwebothknewtherewasnosuchthingasromance，thatwewerebothpreparedforgoingdifferentwaystoseekourfortuneslikepeopleofsense，andthatwebothforesawthatwheneverweencounteredoneanotheragainweshouldmeetasthebestfriendsonearth。Sohesaid，andIdidnotcontradicthim。
　　ItwasnotverylongbeforeIfoundthathewascourtinghispresentwife，andthatshehadbeentakenawaytobeoutofhisreach。Ihatedherthen，quiteasmuchasIhatehernow；andnaturally，therefore，coulddesirenothingbetterthanthatsheshouldmarryhim。ButIwasrestlesslycurioustolookather——socuriousthatIfeltittobeoneofthefewsourcesofentertainmentlefttome。Itravelledalittle：travelleduntilI
　　foundmyselfinhersociety，andinyours。Yourdearfriend，I
　　think，wasnotknowntoyouthen，andhadnotgivenyouanyofthosesignalmarksofhisfriendshipwhichhehasbestoweduponyou。
　　InthatcompanyIfoundagirl，invariouscircumstancesofwhosepositiontherewasasingularlikenesstomyown，andinwhosecharacterIwasinterestedandpleasedtoseemuchoftherisingagainstswollenpatronageandselfishness，callingthemselveskindness，protection，benevolence，andotherfinenames，whichI
　　havedescribedasinherentinmynature。Ioftenhearditsaid，too，thatshehad’anunhappytemper。’Wellunderstandingwhatwasmeantbytheconvenientphrase，andwantingacompanionwithaknowledgeofwhatIknew，IthoughtIwouldtrytoreleasethegirlfromherbondageandsenseofinjustice。IhavenooccasiontorelatethatIsucceeded。
　　Wehavebeentogethereversince，sharingmysmallmeans。
　　CHAPTER22
　　WhopassesbythisRoadsolate？
　　ArthurClennamhadmadehisunavailingexpeditiontoCalaisinthemidstofagreatpressureofbusiness。AcertainbarbaricPowerwithvaluablepossessionsonthemapoftheworld，hadoccasionfortheservicesofoneortwoengineers，quickininventionanddeterminedinexecution：practicalmen，whocouldmakethemenandmeanstheiringenuityperceivedtobewantedoutofthebestmaterialstheycouldfindathand；andwhowereasboldandfertileintheadaptationofsuchmaterialstotheirpurpose，asintheconceptionoftheirpurposeitself。ThisPower，beingabarbaricone，hadnoideaofstowingawayagreatnationalobjectinaCircumlocutionOffice，asstrongwineishiddenfromthelightinacellaruntilitsfireandyoutharegone，andthelabourerswhoworkedinthevineyardandpressedthegrapesaredust。Withcharacteristicignorance，itactedonthemostdecidedandenergeticnotionsofHowtodoit；andnevershowedtheleastrespectfor，orgaveanyquarterto，thegreatpoliticalscience，Hownottodoit。Indeedithadabarbarouswayofstrikingthelatterartandmysterydead，inthepersonofanyenlightenedsubjectwhopractisedit。
　　Accordingly，themenwhowerewantedweresoughtoutandfound；
　　whichwasinitselfamostuncivilisedandirregularwayofproceeding。Beingfound，theyweretreatedwithgreatconfidenceandhonourwhichagainshoweddensepoliticalignorance，andwereinvitedtocomeatonceanddowhattheyhadtodo。Inshort，theywereregardedasmenwhomeanttodoit，engagingwithothermenwhomeantittobedone。
　　DanielDoycewasoneofthechosen。Therewasnoforeseeingatthattimewhetherhewouldbeabsentmonthsoryears。Thepreparationsforhisdeparture，andtheconscientiousarrangementforhimofallthedetailsandresultsoftheirjointbusiness，hadnecessitatedlabourwithinashortcompassoftime，whichhadoccupiedClennamdayandnight。Hehadslippedacrossthewaterinhisfirstleisure，andhadslippedasquicklybackagainforhisfarewellinterviewwithDoyce。
　　HimArthurnowshowed，withpainsandcare，thestateoftheirgainsandlosses，responsibilitiesandprospects。Danielwentthroughitallinhispatientmanner，andadmireditallexceedingly。Heauditedtheaccounts，asiftheywereafarmoreingeniouspieceofmechanismthanhehadeverconstructed，andafterwardsstoodlookingatthem，weighinghishatoverhisheadbythebrims，asifhewereabsorbedinthecontemplationofsomewonderfulengine。
　　’It’sallbeautiful，Clennam，initsregularityandorder。Nothingcanbeplainer。Nothingcanbebetter。’
　　’Iamgladyouapprove，Doyce。Now，astothemanagementofyourcapitalwhileyouareaway，andastotheconversionofsomuchofitasthebusinessmayneedfromtimetotime——’Hispartnerstoppedhim。
　　’Astothat，andastoeverythingelseofthatkind，allrestswithyou。Youwillcontinueinallsuchmatterstoactforbothofus，asyouhavedonehitherto，andtolightenmymindofaloaditismuchrelievedfrom。’
　　’Though，asIoftentellyou，’returnedClennam，’youunreasonablydepreciateyourbusinessqualities。’
　　’Perhapsso，’saidDoyce，smiling。’Andperhapsnot。Anyhow，I
　　haveacallingthatIhavestudiedmorethansuchmatters，andthatIambetterfittedfor。Ihaveperfectconfidenceinmypartner，andIamsatisfiedthathewilldowhatisbest。IfIhaveaprejudiceconnectedwithmoneyandmoneyfigures，’continuedDoyce，layingthatplasticworkman’sthumbofhisonthelapelofhispartner’scoat，’itisagainstspeculating。Idon’tthinkIhaveanyother。IdaresayIentertainthatprejudice，onlybecauseI
　　havenevergivenmymindfullytothesubject。’
　　’Butyoushouldn’tcallitaprejudice，’saidClennam。’MydearDoyce，itisthesoundestsense。’
　　’Iamgladyouthinkso，’returnedDoyce，withhisgreyeyelookingkindandbright。
　　’Itsohappens，’saidClennam，’thatjustnow，nothalfanhourbeforeyoucamedown，IwassayingthesamethingtoPancks，wholookedinhere。Webothagreedthattotraveloutofsafeinvestmentsisoneofthemostdangerous，asitisoneofthemostcommon，ofthosefollieswhichoftendeservethenameofvices。’
　　’Pancks？’saidDoyce，tiltinguphishatattheback，andnoddingwithanairofconfidence。’Aye，aye，aye!That’sacautiousfellow。’
　　’Heisaverycautiousfellowindeed，’returnedArthur。’Quiteaspecimenofcaution。’