Billylookednow，notforwhatshewanted，butforwhatshecouldfind。Andshefound：somecoldroastlamb，atwhichsheturneduphernose；
　　anuncookedbeefsteak，whichsheappropriateddoubtfully；arawturnipandaheadoflettuce，whichshehailedwithglee；andsomebeets，potatoes，onions，andgrapefruit，fromallofwhichshetookageneroussupply。Thusladenshewentbacktothekitchen。
　　Spreaduponthetabletheymadeabraveshow。
　　Oh，well，I’llhavequiteadinner，afterall，’
　　shetriumphed，cockingherheadhappily。Andnowforthedessert，’shefinished，pouncingonthecookbook。
　　Itwaswhileshewasturningtheleavestofindthepiesandpuddingsthatsheranacrossthevegetablesandfoundthewordbeets’staringherintheface。Mechanicallyshereadthelinebelow。
　　Winterbeetswillrequirethreehourstocook。
　　Usehotwater。’
　　Billy’sstartledeyessoughttheclock。
　　Threehours——anditwasfive，now!
　　Frenziedly，then，sheranherfingerdownthepage。
　　Onions，oneandone-halfhours。Usehotwater。Turnipsrequirealongtime，butifcutthintheywillcookinanhourandaquarter。’
　　Anhourandaquarter，indeed!’shemoaned。
　　Isn’tthereanythinganywherethatdoesn’ttakeforevertocook？’
　　Earlypeas……greencorn……summersquash……’mumbledBilly’sdrylips。
　　ButwhatdofolkseatinJanuary——_January_？’
　　Itwastheapparentlyinoffensivesentence，Newpotatoeswillboilinthirtyminutes，’
　　thatbroughtfreshterrortoBilly’ssoul，andsethertoflutteringthecookbookleaveswithrenewedhaste。Ifittook_new_potatoesthirtyminutestocook，howlongdidittakeoldones？Invainshesearchedfortheanswer。Therewereplentyofpotatoes。Theyweremashed，whipped，scalloped，creamed，fried，andbroiled；theyweremadeintopuffs，croquettes，potatoborder，andpotatosnow。Formanyofthesetheywereboiledfirst——untiltender，’onerulesaid。
　　Butthatdoesn’ttellmehowlongittakestoget’emtender，’fumedBilly，despairingly。I
　　supposetheythinkanybodyoughttoknowthat——butIdon’t!’Suddenlyhereyesfelloncemoreontheinstructionsforboilingturnips，andherfacecleared。Ifithelpstocutturnipsthin，whynotpotatoes？’shecried。I_can_dothat，anyhow；andIwill，’shefinished，withasighofrelief，asshecaughtuphalfadozenpotatoesandhurriedintothepantryforaknife。Afewminuteslater，thepotatoes，peeled，andcutalmosttowaferthinness，weredumpedintoabasinofcoldwater。
　　There!nowIguessyou’llcook，’noddedBillytothedishinherhandasshehurriedtothestove。
　　Chilledbyanominousunresponsiveness，Billyliftedthestovelidandpeeredinside。Onlyamassofblackandgrayingcoalsgreetedher。Thefirewasout。
　　Tothinkthatevenyouhadtogobackonmelikethis!’upbraidedBilly，eyeingthedismalmasswithreproachfulgaze。
　　Thisdisaster，however，asBillyknew，wasnotsogreatasitseemed，fortherewasstillthegasstove。Intheolddays，underDongLing’srule，therehadbeennogasstove。DongLingdisapprovedofdevilstoves’thathadnocoalee，nowoodee，butburnedlikehellee。’Eliza，however，didapproveofthem；andnotlongafterherarrival，afineonehadbeenputinforheruse。SonowBillysoonhadherpotatoeswithabriskblazeunderthem。
　　Infranticearnest，then，Billywenttowork。
　　Brushingthediscardedonions，turnip，andbeetsintoapailunderthetable，shewasstillconfrontedwiththebeefsteak，lettuce，andgrapefruit。
　　Allbutthebeefsteakshepushedtoonesidewithgentlepats。
　　You’reallright，’shenoddedtothem。I
　　canuseyou。Youdon’thavetobecooked，blessyourhearts!But_you_——!’BillyscowledatthebeefsteakandranherfingerdowntheindexoftheBride’sHelper’——Billyknewhowtohandlethatbooknow。
　　No，youdon’t——notforme!’shemuttered，afteraminute，shakingherfingeratthetenderloinonthetable。Ihaven’tgotany`hotcoals，’andIthoughta`gridiron’waswheretheyplayedfootball；thoughitseemsit’ssomesortofadishtocookyouin，here——butIshouldn’tknowitfromateaspoon，probably，ifIshouldseeit。No，sir!It’sbacktotherefrigeratorforyou，andanicecoldsensibleroastlegoflambforme，thatdoesn’thavetobecooked。Understand？
　　_Cooked_，’shefinished，asshecarriedthebeefsteakawayandtookpossessionofthehithertodespisedcoldlamb。
　　OncemoreBillymadeamadsearchthroughcupboardsandshelves。Thistimesheborebackintriumphacanofcorn，anotheroftomatoes，andaglassjarofpreservedpeaches。Inthekitchenacheerybubblingfromthepotatoesonthestovegreetedher。Billy’sspiritsrosewiththesteam。
　　There，Spunkie，’shesaidgaylytothecat，whohadjustuncurledfromanapbehindthestove。TellmeIcan’tgetupadinner!Andmaybewe’llhavethepeachfritters，too，shechirped。I’vegotthepeach-part，anyway。’
　　ButBillydidnothavethepeachfritters，afterall。Shegotoutthesugarandtheflour，tobesure，andshemadeagreatadolookinguptherule；butahurriedglanceattheclocksentherintothedining-roomtosetthetable，andallthoughtofthepeachfritterswasgivenup。
　　AtfiveminutesofsixBertramandCalderwellcame。Bertramgavehispeculiarringandlethimselfinwithhislatchkey；butBillydidnotmeethiminthehall，norinthedrawing-room。
　　Excusinghimself，Bertramhurriedup-stairs。
　　Billywasnotinherroom，noranywhereonthatfloor。ShewasnotinWilliam’sroom。Comingdown-stairstothehallagain，BertramconfrontedWilliam，whohadjustcomein。
　　Where’sBilly？’demandedtheyounghusband，withjustatouchofirritation，asifhesuspectedWilliamofhavingBillyinhispocket。
　　Williamstaredslightly。
　　Why，Idon’tknow。Isn’tshehere？’
　　I’llaskPete，’frownedBertram。
　　Inthedining-roomBertramfoundnoone，thoughthetablewasprettilyset，andshowedhalfagrapefruitateachplace。Inthekitchen——inthekitchenBertramfoundadinofrattlingtin，anodorofburnedfood——，aconfusionofscatteredpotsandpans，afrightenedcatwhopeeredathimfromunderalitteredstove，andaflushed，disheveledyoungwomaninabluedust-capandruffledapron，whomhefinallyrecognizedashiswife。
　　Why，Billy!’hegasped。
　　Billy，whowasstrugglingwithsomethingatthesink，turnedsharply。
　　BertramHenshaw，’shepanted，Iusedtothinkyouwerewonderfulbecauseyoucouldpaintapicture。IevenusedtothinkIwasalittlewonderfulbecauseIcouldwriteasong。
　　Well，Idon’tanymore!ButI’lltellyouwho_is_
　　wonderful。It’sElizaandRosa，andalltherestofthosewomenwhocangetamealontothetableallatonce，soit’sfittoeat!’
　　Why，Billy!’gaspedBertramagain，fallingbacktothedoorhehadclosedbehindhim。
　　Whatintheworlddoesthismean？’
　　Mean？ItmeansI’mgettingdinner，’chokedBilly。Can’tyousee？’
　　But——Pete!Eliza!’
　　They’resick——Imeanhe’ssick；andIsaidI’ddoit。I’dbeanoak。ButhowdidIknowtherewasn’tanythinginthehouseexceptstuffthattookhourstocook——onlypotatoes？AndhowdidIknowthat_they_cookedinnotime，andthengotallsmushyandwetstayinginthewater？
　　AndhowdidIknowthateverythingelsewouldstickonandburnontillyou’dusedeverydishtherewasinthehousetocook’emin？’
　　Why，Billy!’gaspedBertram，forthethirdtime。Andthen，becausehehadbeenmarriedonlysixmonthsinsteadofsixyears，hemadethemistakeoftryingtoarguewithawomanwhosenerveswerealreadyatthesnappingpoint。
　　But，dear，itwassofoolishofyoutodoallthis!
　　Whydidn’tyoutelephone？Whydidn’tyougetsomebody？’
　　Likeaniratelittletigress，Billyturnedatbay。
　　BertramHenshaw，’sheflamedangrily，ifyoudon’tgoup-stairsandtendtothatmanupthere，Ishall_scream_。Nowgo!I’llbeupwhenI
　　can。’
　　AndBertramwent。
　　Itwasnotsoverylong，afterall，beforeBillycameintogreetherguest。Shewasnotstatelyandimposinginroyallysumptuousbluevelvetandermine；noryetwasshecozyandhomyinbronze-goldcrpedeChineandswan’s-down。
　　Shewasjustherselfinaprettylittlemorninghousegownofbluegingham。Shewasminusthedust-capandtheruffledapron，butshehadadabofflourontheleftcheek，andasmutchofcrockonherforehead。Shehad，too，acutfingeronherrighthand，andaburnedthumbonherleft。ButshewasBilly——andbeingBilly，sheadvancedwithabrightsmileandheldoutacordialhand——
　　notevenwincingwhenthecutfingercameunderCalderwell’sheartyclasp。
　　I’mgladtoseeyou，’shewelcomedhim。
　　You’llexcusemynotappearingsooner，I’msure，for——didn’tBertramtellyou？——I’mplayingBridgetto-night。Butdinnerisreadynow，andwe’llgodown，please，’shesmiled，asshelaidalighthandonherguest’sarm。
　　Behindher，Bertram，rememberingthesceneinthekitchen，staredinsheeramazement。Bertram，itmightbementionedagain，hadbeenmarriedsixmonths，notsixyears。
　　WhatBillyhadintendedtoserveforasimpledinner’thatnightwas：grapefruitwithcherries，oysterstew，boiledhalibutwitheggsauce，chickenpie，squash，onions，andpotatoes，peachfritters，alettuceandstuff’salad，andsomenewpieorpudding。Whatshedidservewas：grapefruitwithoutthecherries，coldroastlamb，potatoesamushofsogginess，tomatoescanned，andslightlyburned，corncanned，andverymuchburned，lettuceplain；andfordessert，preservedpeachesandcakethelatterratherdryandstale。SuchwasBilly’sdinner。
　　Thegrapefruiteverybodyate。Thecoldlambtoo，metwithaheartyreception，especiallyafterthepotatoes，corn，andtomatoeswereserved——
　　andtasted。Outwardly，throughitall，Billywasgayetyitself。Inwardlyshewasburningupwithangerandmortification。Andbecauseshewasallthis，therewas，apparently，nolimittoherlaughterandsparklingreparteeasshetalkedwithCalderwell，herguest——theguestwho，accordingtoheroriginalplans，wastobeshownhowhappysheandBertramwere，whatagoodwifeshemade，andhowdevotedand_satisfied_Bertramwasinhishome。
　　William，pickingathisdinner——asonlyahungrymancanpickatadinnerthatisuneatable——
　　watchedBillywithapuzzled，uneasyfrown。Bertram，chokingoverthefewmouthfulsheate，markedhiswife’sanimatedfaceandCalderwell’sabsorbedattention，andsettledintogloomysilence。
　　Butitcouldnotcontinueforever。Thepreservedpeacheswereeatenatlast，andthestalecakeleft。Billyhadforgottenthecoffee——
　　whichwasjustaswell，perhaps。Thenthefourtrailedup-stairstothedrawing-room。
　　Atnineo’clockananxiousElizaandaremorseful，apologeticPetecamehomeanddescendedtothehorrortheonceorderlykitchenanddining-
　　roomhadbecome。Atten，Calderwell，withveryevidentreluctance，torehimselfawayfromBilly’sgaybadinage，andsaidgoodnight。Attwominutespastten，anexhausted，nerve-rackedBillywastryingtocryontheshouldersofbothUncleWilliamandBertramatonce。
　　There，there，child，don’t!Itwentoffallright，’pattedUncleWilliam。
　　Billy，darling，’pleadedBertram，pleasedon’tcryso!AsifI’deverletyoustepfootinthatkitchenagain!’
　　AtthisBillyraisedatear-wetface，aflamewithindignantdetermination。
　　AsifI’deverletyoukeepme_from_it，BertramHenshaw，afterthis!’shecontested。I’mnotgoingtodoanotherthinginallmylifebut_cook!_WhenIthinkofthestuffwehadtoeat，afterallthetimeItooktogetit，I’msimplycrazy!
　　DoyouthinkI’druntheriskofsuchathingasthiseverhappeningagain？’