TheMoralPrincipleandtheMaterialInterestTheCrimsonCandleTheBlottedEscutcheonandtheSoiledErmineTheIngeniousPatriotTwoKingsAnOfficerandaThugTheConscientiousOfficialHowLeisureCameTheMoralSentimentThePoliticiansTheThoughtfulWardenTheTreasuryandtheArmsTheChristianSerpentTheBroomoftheTempleTheCriticsTheFoolishWomanFatherandSonTheDiscontentedMalefactorACalltoQuitTheManandtheLightningTheLassoedBearTheIneffectiveRooterAProtagonistofSilverTheHolyDeaconAHastySettlementTheWoodenGunsTheReformSchoolBoardThePoet’sDoomTheNoserandtheNoteTheCatandtheKingTheLiteraryAstronomerTheLionandtheRattlesnakeTheManwithNoEnemiesTheAldermanandtheRaccoonTheFlying—MachineTheAngel’sTearTheCityofPoliticalDistinctionThePartyOverThereThePoetessofReformTheUnchangedDiplomatistAnInvitationTheAshesofMadameBlavatskyTheOpossumoftheFutureTheLife—SaversTheAustralianGrasshopperThePaviorTheTriedAssassinTheBumboofJiamTheTwoPoetsTheThistlesupontheGraveTheShadowoftheLeaderTheSagaciousRatTheMemberandtheSoapAlarmandPrideACausewayTwoinTroubleTheWitch’sSteedTheAllDogTheFarmer’sFriendPhysiciansTwoTheOverlookedFactorARacialParallelTheHonestCadiTheKangarooandtheZebraAMatterofMethodTheManofPrincipleTheReturnedCalifornianTheCompassionatePhysicianTwooftheDamnedTheAustereGovernorReligionsofErrorThePenitentElectorTheTailoftheSphinxAProphetofEvilTheCrewoftheLife—boatATreatyofPeaceTheNightsideofCharacterTheFaithfulCashierTheCircularClewTheDevotedWidowTheHardyPatriotsTheHumblePeasantTheVariousDelegationTheNoCaseAHarmlessVisitorTheJudgeandtheRashActThePrerogativeofMightAnInflatedAmbitionRejectedServicesThePoweroftheScalawagAtLarge—OneTemperTheSeekerandtheSoughtHisFly—SpeckMajestyThePugilist’sDietTheOldManandthePupilTheDeceasedandhisHeirsThePoliticiansandthePlunderTheManandtheWartTheDividedDelegationAForfeitedRightRevengeAnOptimistAValuableSuggestionTwoFootpadsEquippedforServiceTheBaskingCycloneAtthePoleTheOptimistandtheCynicThePoetandtheEditorTheTakenHandAnUnspeakableImbecileANeedfulWarTheMineOwnerandtheJackassTheDogandthePhysicianThePartyManagerandtheGentleman。
TheLegislatorandtheCitizenTheRainmakerTheCitizenandtheSnakesFortuneandtheFabulistASmilingIdolPhilosophersThreeTheBonelessKingUncalculatingZealATranspositionTheHonestCitizenACreakingTailWastedSweetsSixandOneTheSportsmanandtheSquirrelTheFogyandtheSheikAtHeaven’sGateTheCattedAnarchistTheHonourableMemberTheExpatriatedBossAnInadequateFeeTheJudgeandthePlaintiffTheReturnoftheRepresentativeAStatesmanTwoDogsThreeRecruitsTheMirrorSaintandSinnerAnAntidoteAWearyEchoTheIngeniousBlackmailerATalismanTheAncientOrderAFatalDisorderTheMassacreAShipandaManCongressandthePeopleTheJusticeandHisAccuserTheHighwaymanandtheTravellerThePolicemanandtheCitizenTheWriterandtheTrampsTwoPoliticiansTheFugitiveOfficeTheTyrantFrogTheEligibleSon—in—LawTheStatesmanandtheHorseAnAErophobeTheThriftofStrengthTheGoodGovernmentTheLife—SaverTheManandtheBirdFromtheMinutesThreeofaKindTheFabulistandtheAnimalsARevivalistRevivedTheDebatersTwoofthePiousTheDesperateObjectTheAppropriateMemorialANeedlessLabourAFlourishingIndustryTheSelf—MadeMonkeyThePatriotandtheBankerTheMourningBrothersTheDisinterestedArbiterTheThiefandtheHonestManTheDutifulSonAesopusEmendatusTheCatandtheYouthTheFarmerandHisSonsJupiterandtheBabyShowTheManandtheDogTheCatandtheBirdsMercuryandtheWoodchopperTheFoxandtheGrapesThePenitentThiefTheArcherandtheEagleTruthandtheTravellerTheWolfandtheLambTheLionandtheBoarTheGrasshopperandtheAntTheFisherandtheFishedTheFarmerandtheFoxDameFortuneandtheTravellerTheVictorandtheVictimTheWolfandtheShepherdsTheGooseandtheSwanTheLion，theCock，andtheAssTheSnakeandtheSwallowTheWolvesandtheDogsTheHenandtheVipersASeasonableJokeTheLionandtheThornTheFawnandtheBuckTheKite，thePigeons，andtheHawkTheWolfandtheBabeTheWolfandtheOstrichTheHerdsmanandtheLionTheManandtheViperTheManandtheEagleTheWar—horseandtheMillerTheDogandtheReflectionTheManandtheFish—hornTheHareandtheTortoiseHerculesandtheCarterTheLionandtheBullTheManandhisGooseTheWolfandtheFeedingGoatJupiterandtheBirdsTheLionandtheMouseTheOldManandhisSonsTheCrabandhisSonTheNorthWindandtheSunTheMountainandtheMouseTheBellamyandtheMembersOldSawswithNewTeethTheWolfandtheCraneTheLionandtheMouseTheHaresandtheFrogsTheBellyandtheMembersThePipingFishermanTheAntsandtheGrasshopperTheDogandHisReflectionTheLion，theBear，andtheFoxTheAssandtheLion’sSkinTheAssandtheGrasshoppersTheWolfandtheLionTheHareandtheTortoiseTheMilkmaidandHerBucketKingLogandKingStorkTheWolfWhoWouldBeaLionTheMonkeyandtheNutsTheBoysandtheFrogsTheMoralPrincipleandtheMaterialInterestAMORALPrinciplemetaMaterialInterestonabridgewideenoughforbutone。
"Down，youbasething!"thunderedtheMoralPrinciple，"andletmepassoveryou!"
TheMaterialInterestmerelylookedintheother’seyeswithoutsayinganything。
"Ah，"saidtheMoralPrinciple，hesitatingly，"letusdrawlotstoseewhichshallretiretilltheotherhascrossed。"
TheMaterialInterestmaintainedanunbrokensilenceandanunwaveringstare。
"Inordertoavoidaconflict，"theMoralPrincipleresumed，somewhatuneasily，"Ishallmyselfliedownandletyouwalkoverme。"
ThentheMaterialInterestfoundatongue，andbyastrangecoincidenceitwasitsowntongue。"Idon’tthinkyouareverygoodwalking，"itsaid。"IamalittleparticularaboutwhatI
haveunderfoot。Supposeyougetoffintothewater。"
Itoccurredthatway。
TheCrimsonCandleAMANlyingatthepointofdeathcalledhiswifetohisbedsideandsaid：
"Iamabouttoleaveyouforever；giveme，therefore，onelastproofofyouraffectionandfidelity，for，accordingtoourholyreligion，amarriedmanseekingadmittanceatthegateofHeavenisrequiredtoswearthathehasneverdefiledhimselfwithanunworthywoman。Inmydeskyouwillfindacrimsoncandle，whichhasbeenblessedbytheHighPriestandhasapeculiarmysticalsignificance。Sweartomethatwhileitisinexistenceyouwillnotremarry。"
TheWomansworeandtheMandied。AtthefuneraltheWomanstoodattheheadofthebier，holdingalightedcrimsoncandletillitwaswastedentirelyaway。
TheBlottedEscutcheonandtheSoiledErmineABLOTTEDEscutcheon，risingtoaquestionofprivilege，said：
"Mr。Speaker，Iwishtohurlbackanallegationandexplainthatthespotsuponmearethenaturalmarkingsofonewhoisadirectdescendantofthesunandaspottedfawn。Theycomeofnoaccidentofcharacter，butinhereinthedivineorderandconstitutionofthings。"
WhentheBlottedEscutcheonhadresumedhisseataSoiledErmineroseandsaid：
"Mr。Speaker，Ihaveheardwithprofoundattentionandentireapprovaltheexplanationofthehonourablemember，andwishtoofferafewremarksonmyownbehalf。I，too，havebeenfoullycalumniatedbyourancientenemy，theInfamousFalsehood，andI
wishtopointoutthatIammadeofthefuroftheMUSTELA
MACULATA，whichisdirtyfrombirth。"
TheIngeniousPatriotHAVINGobtainedanaudienceoftheKinganIngeniousPatriotpulledapaperfromhispocket，saying：
"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，Ihavehereaformulaforconstructingarmour—platingwhichnoguncanpierce。IftheseplatesareadoptedintheRoyalNavyourwarshipswillbeinvulnerable，andthereforeinvincible。Here，also，arereportsofyourMajesty’sMinisters，attestingthevalueoftheinvention。Iwillpartwithmyrightinitforamilliontumtums。"
Afterexaminingthepapers，theKingputthemawayandpromisedhimanorderontheLordHighTreasureroftheExtortionDepartmentforamilliontumtums。
"Andhere，"saidtheIngeniousPatriot，pullinganotherpaperfromanotherpocket，"aretheworkingplansofagunthatIhaveinvented，whichwillpiercethatarmour。YourMajesty’sRoyalBrother，theEmperorofBang，isanxioustopurchaseit，butloyaltytoyourMajesty’sthroneandpersonconstrainsmetoofferitfirsttoyourMajesty。Thepriceisonemilliontumtums。"
Havingreceivedthepromiseofanothercheck，hethrusthishandintostillanotherpocket，remarking：
"Thepriceoftheirresistiblegunwouldhavebeenmuchgreater，yourMajesty，butforthefactthatitsmissilescanbesoeffectivelyavertedbymypeculiarmethodoftreatingthearmourplateswithanew—"
TheKingsignedtotheGreatHeadFactotumtoapproach。
"Searchthisman，"hesaid，"andreporthowmanypocketshehas。"
"Forty—three，Sire，"saidtheGreatHeadFactotum，completingthescrutiny。
"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，"criedtheIngeniousPatriot，interror，"oneofthemcontainstobacco。"
"Holdhimupbytheanklesandshakehim，"saidtheKing；"thengivehimacheckforforty—twomilliontumtumsandputhimtodeath。Letadecreeissuedeclaringingenuityacapitaloffence。"
TwoKingsTHEKingofMadagao，beingengagedinadisputewiththeKingofBornegascar，wrotehimasfollows：
"BeforeproceedingfurtherinthismatterIdemandtherecallofyourMinisterfrommycapital。"
Greatlyenragedbythisimpossibledemand，theKingofBornegascarreplied：
"IshallnotrecallmyMinister。Moreover，ifyoudonotimmediatelyretractyourdemandIshallwithdrawhim!"
ThisthreatsoterrifiedtheKingofMadagaothatinhasteningtocomplyhefelloverhisownfeet，breakingtheThirdCommandment。
AnOfficerandaThugACHIEFofPolicewhohadseenanOfficerbeatingaThugwasveryindignant，andsaidhemustnotdosoanymoreonpainofdismissal。
"Don’tbetoohardonme，"saidtheOfficer，smiling；"Iwasbeatinghimwithastuffedclub。"
"Nevertheless，"persistedtheChiefofPolice，"itwasalibertythatmusthavebeenverydisagreeable，thoughitmaynothavehurt。
Pleasedonotrepeatit。"
"But，"saidtheOfficer，stillsmiling，"itwasastuffedThug。"
Inattemptingtoexpresshisgratification，theChiefofPolicethrustouthisrighthandwithsuchviolencethathisskinwasrupturedatthearm—pitandastreamofsawdustpouredfromthewound。HewasastuffedChiefofPolice。
TheConscientiousOfficialWHILEaDivisionSuperintendentofarailwaywasattendingcloselytohisbusinessofplacingobstructionsonthetrackandtamperingwiththeswitcheshereceivedwordthatthePresidentoftheroadwasabouttodischargehimforincompetency。
"GoodHeavens!"hecried；"therearemoreaccidentsonmydivisionthanonalltherestoftheline。"
"ThePresidentisveryparticular，"saidtheManwhobroughthimthenews；"hethinksthesamelossoflifemightbeeffectedwithlessdamagetothecompany’sproperty。"
"Doesheexpectmetoshootpassengersthroughthecarwindows？"
exclaimedtheindignantofficial，spikingaloosetieacrosstherails。"Doeshetakemeforanassassin？"
HowLeisureCameAMANtoWhomTimeWasMoney，andwhowasboltinghisbreakfastinordertocatchatrain，hadleanedhisnewspaperagainstthesugar—
bowlandwasreadingasheate。Inhishasteandabstractionhestuckapickle—forkintohisrighteye，andonremovingtheforktheeyecamewithit。Inbuyingspectaclestheneedlessoutlayfortherightlenssoonreducedhimtopoverty，andtheMantoWhomTimeWasMoneyhadtosustainlifebyfishingfromtheendofawharf。
TheMoralSentimentAPUGILISTmettheMoralSentimentoftheCommunity，whowascarryingahat—box。"Whathaveyouinthehat—box，myfriend？"
inquiredthePugilist。
"Anewfrown，"wastheanswer。"Iambringingitfromthefrownery—theoneovertherewiththegildedsteeple。"
"Andwhatareyougoingtodowiththenicenewfrown？"thePugilistasked。
"Putdownpugilism—ifIhavetowearitnightandday，"saidtheMoralSentimentoftheCommunity，sternly。
"That’sright，"saidthePugilist，"thatisright，mygoodfriend；
ifpugilismhadbeenputdownyesterday，Iwouldn’thavethiskindofNoseto—day。Ihadarattlinghotfightlasteveningwith—"
"Isthatso？"criedtheMoralSentimentoftheCommunity，withsuddenanimation。"Whichlicked？Sitdownhereonthehat—boxandtellmeallaboutit!"
ThePoliticiansANOldPoliticianandaYoungPoliticianweretravellingthroughabeautifulcountry，bythedustyhighwaywhichleadstotheCityofProsperousObscurity。Luredbytheflowersandtheshadeandcharmedbythesongsofbirdswhichinvitedtowoodlandpathsandgreenfields，hisimaginationfiredbyglimpsesofgoldendomesandglitteringpalacesinthedistanceoneitherhand，theYoungPoliticiansaid：
"Letus，Ibeseechthee，turnasidefromthiscomfortlessroadleading，thouknowestwhither，butnotI。Letusturnourbacksupondutyandabandonourselvestothedelightsandadvantageswhichbeckonfromeverygroveandcalltousfromeveryshininghill。Letus，ifsothouwilt，followthisbeautifulpath，which，asthouseest，hathaguide—boardsaying，’TurninhereallyewhoseekthePalaceofPoliticalDistinction。’"
"Itisabeautifulpath，myson，"saidtheOldPolitician，withouteitherslackeninghispaceorturninghishead，"anditleadethamongpleasantscenes。ButthesearchforthePalaceofPoliticalDistinctionisbesetwithonemightyperil。"
"Whatisthat？"saidtheYoungPolitician。
"Theperiloffindingit，"theOldPoliticianreplied，pushingon。
TheThoughtfulWardenTHEWardenofaPenitentiarywasonedayputtinglocksonthedoorsofallthecellswhenamechanicsaidtohim：
"Thoselockscanallbeopenedfromtheinside—youareveryimprudent。"
TheWardendidnotlookupfromhiswork，butsaid：
"Ifthatiscalledimprudence，Iwonderwhatwouldbecalledathoughtfulprovisionagainstthevicissitudesoffortune。"
TheTreasuryandtheArmsAPUBLICTreasury，feelingTwoArmsliftingoutitscontents，exclaimed：
"Mr。Shareman，Imoveforadivision。"
"Youseemtoknowsomethingaboutparliamentaryformsofspeech，"
saidtheTwoArms。
"Yes，"repliedthePublicTreasury，"Iamfamiliarwiththehaulsoflegislation。"
TheChristianSerpentARATTLESNAKEcamehometohisbroodandsaid："Mychildren，gatheraboutandreceiveyourfather’slastblessing，andseehowaChristiandies。"
"Whatailsyou，Father？"askedtheSmallSnakes。
"Ihavebeenbittenbytheeditorofapartisanjournal，"wasthereply，accompaniedbytheominousdeath—rattle。
TheBroomoftheTempleTHEcityofGakwakbeingabouttoloseitscharacterofcapitaloftheprovinceofUkwuk，theWampogissuedaproclamationconveningallthemaleresidentsincouncilintheTempleofUltodevisemeansofdefence。Thefirstspeakerthoughtthebestpolicywouldbetoofferafriedjackasstothegods。Thesecondsuggestedapublicprocession，headedbytheWampoghimself，bearingtheHolyPokeronacushionofcloth—of—brass。Anotherthoughtthatascarletmoleshouldbeburiedaliveinthepublicparkandasuitableincantationchantedovertheremains。Theadviceofthefourthwasthatthecolumnsofthecapitolberubbedwithoilofdogbyapersonhavingamoustacheonthecalfofhisleg。WhenalltheothershadspokenanAgedManroseandsaid：
"HighandmightyWampogandfellow—citizens，Ihavelistenedattentivelytoalltheplansproposed。Allseemwise，andIdonotsuffermyselftodoubtthatanyoneofthemwouldbeefficacious。
Nevertheless，Icannothelpthinkingthatifwewouldputanimprovedbreedofpolliwogsinourdrinkingwater，constructshallowerroadways，groomthestreetcows，offerthestrangerwithinourgatesafreechoicebetweentheponiardandthepotion，andrelinquishourprivatesystemofmorals，theothermeasuresofpublicsafetywouldbeneedless。"
TheAgedManwasabouttospeakfurther，butthemeetinginformallyadjournedinordertosweepthefloorofthetemple—forthemenofGakwakarethetidiesthousewivesinallthatprovince。Thelastspeakerwasthebroom。
TheCriticsWHILEbathing，AntinouswasseenbyMinerva，whowassoenamouredofhisbeautythat，allarmedasshehappenedtobe，shedescendedfromOlympustowoohim；but，unluckilydisplayinghershield，withtheheadofMedusaonit，shehadtheunhappinesstoseethebeautifulmortalturntostonefromcatchingaglimpseofit。ShestraightwayascendedtoaskJovetorestorehim；butbeforethiscouldbedoneaSculptorandaCriticpassedthatwayandespiedhim。
"ThisisaverybadApollo，"saidtheSculptor："thechestistoonarrow，andonearmisatleastahalf—inchshorterthantheother。
Theattitudeisunnatural，andImaysayimpossible。Ah!myfriend，youshouldseemystatueofAntinous。"
"Inmyjudgment，thefigure，"saidtheCritic，"istolerablygood，thoughratherEtrurian，buttheexpressionofthefaceisdecidedlyTuscan，andthereforefalsetonature。Bytheway，haveyoureadmyworkon’TheFallaciousnessoftheAspectualinArt’？"
TheFoolishWomanAMARRIEDWoman，whoseloverwasabouttoreformbyrunningaway，procuredapistolandshothimdead。
"Whydidyoudothat，Madam？"inquiredaPoliceman，saunteringby。
"Because，"repliedtheMarriedWoman，"hewasawickedman，andhadpurchasedatickettoChicago。"
"Mysister，"saidanadjacentManofGod，solemnly，"youcannotstopthewickedfromgoingtoChicagobykillingthem。"
FatherandSon"MYboy，"saidanagedFathertohisfieryanddisobedientSon，"ahottemperisthesoilofremorse。Promisemethatwhennextyouareangryyouwillcountonehundredbeforeyoumoveorspeak。"
NosoonerhadtheSonpromisedthanhereceivedastingingblowfromthepaternalwalking—stick，andbythetimehehadcountedtoseventy—fivehadtheunhappinesstoseetheoldmanjumpintoawaitingcabandwhirlaway。
TheDiscontentedMalefactorAJUDGEhavingsentencedaMalefactortothepenitentiarywasproceedingtopointouttohimthedisadvantagesofcrimeandtheprofitofreformation。
"YourHonour，"saidtheMalefactor，interrupting，"wouldyoubekindenoughtoaltermypunishmenttotenyearsinthepenitentiaryandnothingelse？"
"Why，"saidtheJudge，surprised，"Ihavegivenyouonlythreeyears!"
"Yes，Iknow，"assentedtheMalefactor—"threeyears’imprisonmentandthepreaching。Ifyouplease，Ishouldliketocommutethepreaching。"
ACalltoQuitSEEINGthathisaudienceswerebecomingsmallereverySunday，aMinisteroftheGospelbrokeoffinthemidstofasermon，descendedthepulpitstairs，andwalkedonhishandsdownthecentralaisleofthechurch。Hethenremountedhisfeet，ascendedtothepulpit，andresumedhisdiscourse，makingnoallusiontotheincident。
"Now，"saidhetohimself，ashewenthome，"Ishallhave，henceforth，alargeattendanceandnosnoring。"
ButonthefollowingFridayhewaswaiteduponbythePillarsoftheChurch，whoinformedhimthatinordertobeinharmonywiththeNewTheologyandgetfulladvantageofmodernmethodsofGospelinterpretationtheyhaddeemeditadvisabletomakeachange。TheyhadthereforesentacalltoBrotherJowjeetum—Fallal，theWorld—
RenownedHindooHumanPin—Wheel，thenholdingforthinHoopitup’scircus。TheywerehappytosaythatthereverendgentlemanhadbeenmovedbytheSpirittoacceptthecall，andontheensuingSabbathwouldbreakthebreadoflifeforthebrethrenorbreakhisneckintheattempt。
TheManandtheLightningAMANRunningforOfficewasovertakenbyLightning。
"Yousee，"saidtheLightning，asitcreptpasthiminchbyinch，"Icantravelconsiderablyfasterthanyou。"
"Yes，"theManRunningforOfficereplied，"butthinkhowmuchlongerIkeepgoing!"
TheLassoedBearAHUNTERwhohadlassoedaBearwastryingtodisengagehimselffromtherope，buttheslip—knotabouthiswristwouldnotyield，fortheBearwasallthetimepullingintheslackwithhispaws。
InthemidstofhistroubletheHuntersawaShowmanpassingby，andmanagedtoattracthisattention。
"Whatwillyougiveme，"hesaid，"formyBear？"
"Itwillbesomefiveortenminutes，"saidtheShowman，"beforeI
shallwantafreshBear，anditlookstomeasifpriceswouldfallduringthattime。IthinkI’llwaitandwatchthemarket。"
"Thepriceofthisanimal，"theHunterreplied，"isdowntobed—
rock；youcanhavehimfornothingapound，spotcash，andI’llthrowinthenextonethatIlasso。Butthepurchasermustremovethegoodsfromthepremisesforthwith，tomakeroomforthreeman—
eatingtigers，acat—headedgorilla，andanarmfulofrattlesnakes。"
ButtheShowmanpassedon，inmaidenmeditation，fancyfree，andbeingjoinedsoonafterwardbytheBear，whowasabsentlypickinghisteeth，itwasinferredthattheywerenotunacquainted。
TheIneffectiveRooterADRUNKENManwaslyingintheroadwithableedingnose，uponwhichhehadfallen，whenaPigpassedthatway。
"Youwallowfairlywell，"saidthePig，"but，myfinefellow，youhavemuchtolearnaboutrooting。"
AProtagonistofSilverSOMEFinancierswhowerewhettingtheirtonguesontheirteethbecausetheGovernmenthad"struckdown"silver，andwereaboutto"inaugurate"aseasonofsweatshed，wereaddressedasfollowsbyaMemberoftheirhonourableandwarlikebody：
"Comradesofthethunderandcompanionsofdeath，Icannotbutregarditassingularlyfortunatethatwewhobyconvictionandsympathyaredesignatedbynatureasthechampionsofthatfairestofherproducts，thewhitemetal，shouldalso，byahappychance，beengagedmostlyinthebusinessofminingit。Nothingcouldbemoreappropriatethanthatthosewhofromunselfishmotivesandelevatedsentimentsaredoingbattleforthepeople’srightsandinterests，shouldthemselvesbethechiefbeneficiariesofsuccess。
Therefore，Ochildrenoftheearthquakeandthestorm，letusstandshouldertoshoulder，hearttoheart，andpockettopocket!"
ThisspeechsopleasedtheotherMembersoftheconventionthat，actuatedbyamagnanimousimpulse，theysprangtotheirfeetandleftthehall。Itwasthefirsttimetheyhadeverbeenknowntoleaveanythinghavingvalue。
TheHolyDeaconANItinerantPreacherwhohadwroughthardinthemoralvineyardforseveralhourswhisperedtoaHolyDeaconofthelocalchurch：
"Brother，thesepeopleknowyou，andyouractivesupportwillbearfruitabundantly。Pleasepasstheplateforme，andyoushallhaveonefourth。"
TheHolyDeacondidso，andputtingthemoneyintohispocketwaitedtillthecongregationwasdismissedandsaidgoodnight。
"Butthemoney，brother，themoneythatyoucollected!"saidtheItinerantPreacher。
"Nothingiscomingtoyou，"wasthereply；"theAdversaryhashardenedtheirhearts，andonefourthisalltheygave。"
AHastySettlement"YOURHonour，"saidanAttorney，rising，"whatisthepresentstatusofthiscase—asfarasithasgone？"
"Ihavegivenajudgmentfortheresiduarylegateeunderthewill，"
saidtheCourt，"putthecostsuponthecontestants，decidedallquestionsrelatingtofeesandothercharges；and，inshort，theestateinlitigationhasbeensettled，withallcontroversies，disputes，misunderstandings，anddifferencesofopinionthereuntoappertaining。"
"Ah，yes，Isee，"saidtheAttorney，thoughtfully，"wearemakingprogress—wearegettingonfamously。"
"Progress？"echoedtheJudge—"progress？Why，sir，thematterisconcluded!"
"Exactly，exactly；ithadtobeconcludedinordertogiverelevancytothemotionthatIamabouttomake。YourHonour，I
movethatthejudgmentoftheCourtbesetasideandthecasereopened。"
"Uponwhatground，sir？"theJudgeaskedinsurprise。
"Upontheground，"saidtheAttorney，"thatafterpayingallfeesandexpensesoflitigationandallchargesagainsttheestatetherewillstillbesomethingleft。"
"Theremayhavebeenanerror，"saidHisHonour，thoughtfully—
"theCourtmayhaveunderestimatedthevalueoftheestate。Themotionistakenunderadvisement。"
TheWoodenGunsANArtilleryRegimentofaStateMilitiaappliedtotheGovernorforwoodengunstopractisewith。
"Those，"theyexplained，"willbecheaperthanrealones。"
"ItshallnotbesaidthatIsacrificedefficiencytoeconomy，"
saidtheGovernor。"Youshallhaverealguns。"
"Thankyou，thankyou，"criedthewarriors，effusively。"Wewilltakegoodcareofthem，andintheeventofwarreturnthemtothearsenal。"
TheReformSchoolBoardTHEmembersoftheSchoolBoardinDoosnoswairbeingsuspectedofappointingfemaleteachersforanimproperconsideration，thepeopleelectedaBoardcomposedwhollyofwomen。Inafewyearsthescandalwasatanend；therewerenofemaleteachersintheDepartment。
ThePoet’sDoomANObjectwaswalkingalongtheKing’shighwaywrappedinmeditationandwithlittleelseon，whenhesuddenlyfoundhimselfatthegatesofastrangecity。Onapplyingforadmittance，hewasarrestedasanecessitatorofordinances，andtakenbeforetheKing。
"Whoareyou，"saidtheKing，"andwhatisyourbusinessinlife？"
"SnoutertheSneak，"repliedtheObject，withreadyinvention；
"pick—pocket。"
TheKingwasabouttocommandhimtobereleasedwhenthePrimeMinistersuggestedthattheprisoner’sfingersbeexamined。Theywerefoundgreatlyflattenedandcallousedattheends。
"Ha!"criedtheKing；"Itoldyouso!—heisaddictedtocountingsyllables。Thisisapoet。TurnhimovertotheLordHighDissuaderfromtheHeadHabit。"
"Myliege，"saidtheInventor—in—OrdinaryofIngeniousPenalties，"Iventuretosuggestakeeneraffliction。
"Nameit，"theKingsaid。
"Lethimretainthathead!"
Itwassoordered。
TheNoserandtheNoteTHEHeadRiflerofaninsolventbank，learningthatitwasabouttobevisitedbytheofficialNoserintoThings，placedhisownpersonalnoteforalargeamountamongitsresources，and，gailytouchinghisguitar，awaitedtheinspection。WhentheNosercametothenoteheasked，"What’sthis？"
"That，"saidtheAssistantPocketerofDeposits，"isoneofourliabilities。"
"Aliability？"exclaimedtheNoser。"Nay，nay，anasset。Thatiswhatyoumean，doubtless。"
"Thereinyouerr，"thePocketerexplained；"thatnotewaswritteninthebankwithourownpen，ink，andpaper，andwehavenotpaidastationerybillforsixmonths。"
"Ah，Isee，"theNosersaid，thoughtfully；"itisaliability。MayIaskhowyouexpecttomeetit？"
"Withfortitude，pleaseGod，"answeredtheAssistantPocketer，hiseyestoHeavenraising—"withfortitudeandafirmrelianceonthelaxityofthelaw。"
"Enough，enough，"exclaimedthefaithfulservantoftheState，chokingwithemotion；"hereisacertificateofsolvency。"
"Andhereisabottleofink，"thegratefulfinanciersaid，slippingitintotheother’spocket；"itisallthatwehave。"
TheCatandtheKingACATwaslookingataKing，aspermittedbytheproverb。
"Well，"saidthemonarch，observingherinspectionoftheroyalperson，"howdoyoulikeme？"
"IcanimagineaKing，"saidtheCat，"whomIshouldlikebetter。"
"Forexample？"
"TheKingoftheMice。"
ThesovereignwassopleasedwiththewitofthereplythathegaveherpermissiontoscratchhisPrimeMinister’seyesout。
TheLiteraryAstronomerTHEDirectorofanObservatory，who，withathirty—six—inchrefractor，haddiscoveredthemoon，hastenedtoanEditor，withafour—columnaccountoftheevent。
"Howmuch？"saidtheEditor，sententiously，withoutlookingupfromhisessayonthecircularityofthepoliticalhorizon。
"Onehundredandsixtydollars，"repliedthemanwhohaddiscoveredthemoon。
"Nothalfenough，"wastheEditor’scomment。
"Generousman!"criedtheAstronomer，glowingwithwarmandelevatedsentiments，"payme，then，whatyouwill。"
"Greatandgoodfriend，"saidtheEditor，blandly，lookingupfromhiswork，"wearefarasunder，itseems。Thepayingistobedonebyyou。"
TheDirectoroftheObservatorygatheredupthemanuscriptandwentaway，explainingthatitneededcorrection；hehadneglectedtodotanm。
TheLionandtheRattlesnakeAMANhavingfoundaLioninhispathundertooktosubduehimbythepowerofthehumaneye；andnearbywasaRattlesnakeengagedinfascinatingasmallbird。
"Howareyougettingon，brother？"theMancalledouttotheotherreptile，withoutremovinghiseyesfromthoseoftheLion。
"Admirably，"repliedtheserpent。"Mysuccessisassured；myvictimdrawsnearerandnearerinspiteofherefforts。"
"Andmine，"saidtheMan，"drawsnearerandnearerinspiteofmine。Areyousureitisallright？"
"Ifyoudon’tthinkso，"thereptilerepliedaswellashethencould，withhismouthfullofbird，"youbettergiveitup。"
Ahalf—hourlater，theLion，thoughtfullypickinghisteethwithhisclaws，toldtheRattlesnakethathehadneverinallhisvariedexperienceinbeingsubdued，seenasubduertrysoearnestlytogiveitup。"But，"headded，withawide，significantsmile，"I
lookedhimintocountenance。"
TheManwithNoEnemiesANInoffensivePersonwalkinginapublicplacewasassaultedbyaStrangerwithaClub，andseverelybeaten。
WhentheStrangerwithaClubwasbroughttotrial，thecomplainantsaidtotheJudge：
"IdonotknowwhyIwasassaulted；Ihavenotanenemyintheworld。"
"That，"saidthedefendant，"iswhyIstruckhim。"
"Lettheprisonerbedischarged，"saidtheJudge；"amanwhohasnoenemieshasnofriends。Thecourtsarenotforsuch。"
TheAldermanandtheRaccoon"ISEEquiteanumberofringsonyourtail，"saidanAldermantoaRaccoonthathemetinazoologicalgarden。
"Yes，"repliedtheRaccoon，"andIhearquiteanumberoftalesonyourring。"
TheAlderman，beingofasensitive，retiringdisposition，shrankfromfurthercomparison，and，strollingtoanotherpartofthegarden，stolethecamel。
TheFlying—MachineANIngeniousManwhohadbuiltaflying—machineinvitedagreatconcourseofpeopletoseeitgoup。Attheappointedmoment，everythingbeingready，heboardedthecarandturnedonthepower。
Themachineimmediatelybrokethroughthemassivesubstructureuponwhichitwasbuilded，andsankoutofsightintotheearth，theaeronautspringingoutbarelyintimetosavehimself。
"Well，"saidhe，"Ihavedoneenoughtodemonstratethecorrectnessofmydetails。Thedefects，"headded，withalookattheruinedbrick—work，"aremerelybasicandfundamental。"
Uponthisassurancethepeoplecameforwardwithsubscriptionstobuildasecondmachine。
TheAngel’sTearANUnworthyManwhohadlaughedatthewoesofaWomanwhomheloved，wasbewailinghisindiscretioninsack—cloth—of—goldandashes—of—roses，whentheAngelofCompassionlookeddownuponhim，saying：
"Poormortal!—howunblestnottoknowthewickednessoflaughingatanother’smisfortune!"
Sosaying，heletfallagreattear，which，encounteringinitsdescentacurrentofcoldair，wascongealedintoahail—stone。
ThisstrucktheUnworthyManontheheadandsethimrubbingthatbruisedorganvigorouslywithonehandwhilevainlyattemptingtoexpandanumbrellawiththeother。
ThereattheAngelofCompassiondidmostshamelesslyandwickedlylaugh。
TheCityofPoliticalDistinctionJAMRACHtheRich，beinganxioustoreachtheCityofPoliticalDistinctionbeforenightfall，arrivedataforkoftheroadandwasundecidedwhichbranchtofollow；soheconsultedaWise—LookingPersonwhosatbythewayside。
"TakeTHATroad，"saidtheWise—LookingPerson，pointingitout；
"itisknownasthePoliticalHighway。"
"Thankyou，"saidJamrach，andwasabouttoproceed。
"Abouthowmuchdoyouthankme？"wasthereply。"DoyousupposeI
amhereformyhealth？"
AsJamrachhadnotbecomerichbystupidity，hehandedsomethingtohisguideandhastenedon，andsooncametoatoll—gatekeptbyaBenevolentGentleman，towhomhegavesomething，andwassufferedtopass。Alittlefartheralonghecametoabridgeacrossanimaginarystream，whereaCivilEngineer（whohadbuiltthebridge）
demandedsomethingforinterestonhisinvestment，anditwasforthcoming。ItwasgrowinglatewhenJamrachcametothemarginofwhatappearedtobealakeofblackink，andtheretheroadterminated。SeeingaFerrymaninhisboathepaidsomethingforhispassageandwasabouttoembark。
"No，"saidtheFerryman。"Putyourneckinthisnoose，andIwilltowyouover。Itistheonlyway，"headded，seeingthatthepassengerwasabouttocomplainoftheaccommodations。
Induetimehewasdraggedacross，halfstrangled，anddreadfullybeslubberedbythefeculentwaters。"There，"saidtheFerryman，haulinghimashoreanddisengaginghim，"youarenowintheCityofPoliticalDistinction。Ithasfiftymillionsofinhabitants，andasthecolouroftheFilthyPooldoesnotwashoff，theyalllookexactlyalike。"
"Alas!"exclaimedJamrach，weepingandbewailingthelossofallhispossessions，paidoutintipsandtolls；"Iwillgobackwithyou。"
"Idon’tthinkyouwill，"，saidtheFerryman，pushingoff；"thiscityissituatedontheIslandoftheUnreturning。"
ThePartyOverThereAMANinaHurry，whosewatchwasathislawyer’s，askedaGravePersonthetimeofday。
"IheardyouaskthatPartyOverTherethesamequestion，"saidtheGravePerson。"Whatanswerdidhegiveyou？"
"Hesaiditwasaboutthreeo’clock，"repliedtheManinaHurry；
"buthedidnotlookathiswatch，andasthesunisnearlydown，I
thinkitislater。"
"Thefactthatthesunisnearlydown，"theGravePersonsaid，"isimmaterial，butthefactthathedidnotconsulthistimepieceandmakeanswerafterduedeliberationandconsiderationisfatal。Theanswergiven，"continuedtheGravePerson，consultinghisowntimepiece，"isofnoeffect，invalid，andabsurd。"
"What，then，"saidtheManinaHurry，eagerly，"isthetimeofday？"
"ThequestionisremandedtothePartyOverThereforanewanswer，"repliedtheGravePerson，returninghiswatchtohispocketandmovingawaywithgreatdignity。
HewasaJudgeofanAppellateCourt。
ThePoetessofReformONEpleasantdayinthelatterpartofeternity，astheShadesofallthegreatwriterswerereposinguponbedsofasphodelandmolyintheElysianfields，eachhappyinhearingfromthelipsoftheothersnothingbutcopiousquotationfromhisownworks（forsoJovehadkindlybedeviledtheirears），therecameinamongthemwithtriumphantmienaShadewhomnoneknew。She（forthenewcomershowedsuchevidencesofsexascroppedhairandamanlystride）
tookaseatintheirmidst，andsmilingasuperiorsmileexplained：
"AftercenturiesofoppressionIhavewrestedmyrightsfromthegraspofthejealousgods。OnearthIwasthePoetessofReform，andsangtoinattentiveears。Nowforaneternityofhonourandglory。"
Butitwasnottobeso，andsoonshewastheunhappiestofmortals，vainlydesiroustowanderagainingloombytheinfernallakes。ForJovehadnotbedeviledherears，andsheheardfromthelipsofeachblessedShadeanincessantflowofquotationfromhisownworks。Moreover，shewasdeniedthehappinessofrepeatingherpoems。Shecouldnotrecallalineofthem，forJovehaddecreedthatthememoryofthemabideinPluto’spainfuldomain，asapartoftheapparatus。
TheUnchangedDiplomatistTHErepublicofMadagoniahadbeenlongandwellrepresentedatthecourtoftheKingofPatagascarbyanofficercalledaDazie，butonedaytheMadagonianParliamentconferreduponhimthesuperiorrankofDandee。ThenextdayafterbeingapprisedofhisnewdignityhehastenedtoinformtheKingofPatagascar。
"Ah，yes，Iunderstand，"saidtheKing；"youhavebeenpromotedandgivenincreasedpayandallowances。Therewasanappropriation？"
"Yes，yourMajesty。"
"Andyouhavenowtwoheads，haveyounot？"
"Oh，no，yourMajesty—onlyone，Iassureyou。"
"Indeed？Andhowmanylegsandarms？"
"Twoofeach，Sire—onlytwoofeach。"
"Andonlyonebody？"
"Justasinglebody，asyouperceive。"
Thoughtfullyremovinghiscrownandscratchingtheroyalhead，themonarchwassilentamoment，andthenhesaid：
"Ifancythatappropriationhasbeenmisapplied。Youseemtobeaboutthesamekindofidiotthatyouwerebefore。"
AnInvitationAPIOUSPersonwhohadoverchargedhispaunchwithdeadbirdbywayofattestinghisgratitudeforescapingthemanycalamitieswhichHeavenhadsentuponothers，fellasleepattableanddreamed。Hethoughthelivedinacountrywhereturkeysweretherulingclass，andeveryyeartheyheldafeasttomanifesttheirsenseofHeaven’sgoodnessinsparingtheirlivestokillthemlater。Oneday，aboutaweekbeforeoneofthesefeasts，hemettheSupremeGobbler，whosaid：
"YouwillpleasegetyourselfintogoodconditionfortheThanksgivingdinner。"
"Yes，yourExcellency，"repliedthePiousPerson，delighted，"I
shallcomehungry，Iassureyou。ItisnosmallprivilegetodinewithyourExcellency。"
TheSupremeGobblereyedhimforamomentinsilence；thenhesaid：
"Asoneofthelowerdomesticanimals，youcannotbeexpectedtoknowmuch，butyoumightknowsomething。Sinceyoudonot，youwillpermitmetopointoutthatbeingaskedtodinnerisonething；beingaskedtodineisanotherandadifferentthing。"
WiththissignificantremarktheSupremeGobblerlefthim，andthenceforwardthePiousPersondreamedofhimselfaswhitemeatanddarkuntilrudelyawakenedbydecapitation。
TheAshesofMadameBlavatskyTHEtwobrightestlightsofTheosophybeinginthesameplaceatonceincompanywiththeAshesofMadameBlavatsky，anInquiringSoulthoughtthetimepropitioustolearnsomethingworthwhile。
Sohesatatthefeetofoneawhile，andthenhesatawhileatthefeetoftheother，andatlastheappliedhiseartothekeyholeofthecasketcontainingtheAshesofMadameBlavatsky。WhentheInquiringSoulhadcompletedhiscourseofinstructionhedeclaredhimselftheAhkoondofSwat，fellintothebalefulhabitofstandingonhishead，andsworethatthemotherwhoborehimwasapragmaticparalogism。Whereforehewasheldinhighreverence，andwhenthetwoothergentlemenwerehangedforlyingtheTheosophistselectedhimtotheleadershipoftheirDisastralBody，andafteraquietlifeandanhonourabledeathbythekickofajackasshewasreincarnatedasaYellowDog。AssuchheatetheAshesofMadameBlavatsky，andTheosophywasnomore。
TheOpossumoftheFutureONEdayanOpossumwhohadgonetosleephangingfromthehighestbranchofatreebythetail，awokeandsawalargeSnakewoundaboutthelimb，betweenhimandthetrunkofthetree。
"IfIholdon，"hesaidtohimself，"Ishallbeswallowed；ifIletgoIshallbreakmyneck。"
Butsuddenlyhebethoughthimselftodissemble。
"Myperfectedfriend，"hesaid，"myparentalinstinctrecognisesinyouanobleevidenceandillustrationofthetheoryofdevelopment。
YouaretheOpossumoftheFuture，theultimateFittestSurvivorofourspecies，theriperesultofprogressiveprehensility—alltail!"
ButtheSnake，proudofhisancienteminenceinScripturalhistory，wasstrictlyorthodox，anddidnotacceptthescientificview。
TheLife—SaversSEVENTY—FIVEMenpresentedthemselvesbeforethePresidentoftheHumaneSocietyanddemandedthegreatgoldmedalforlife—saving。
"Why，yes，"saidthePresident；"bydiligenteffortsomanymenmusthavesavedaconsiderablenumberoflives。Howmanydidyousave？"
"Seventy—five，sir，"repliedtheirSpokesman。
"Ah，yes，thatisoneeach—verygoodwork—verygoodwork，indeed，"thePresidentsaid。"YoushallnotonlyhavetheSociety’sgreatgoldmedal，butitsrecommendationforemploymentatthevariouslife—boatstationsalongthecoast。Buthowdidyousavesomanylives？"
TheSpokesmanoftheMenreplied：
"Weareofficersofthelaw，andhavejustreturnedfromthepursuitoftwomurderousoutlaws。"
TheAustralianGrasshopperADISTINGUISHEDNaturalistwastravellinginAustralia，whenhesawaKangarooinsessionandflungastoneatit。TheKangarooimmediatelyadjourned，tracingagainstthesunsetskyaparaboliccurvespanningsevenprovinces，andevanishedbelowthehorizon。
TheDistinguishedNaturalistlookedinterested，butsaidnothingforanhour；thenhesaidtohisnativeGuide：
"Youhaveprettywidemeadowshere，Isuppose？"
"No，notverywide，"theGuideanswered；"aboutthesameasinEnglandandAmerica。"
AfteranotherlongsilencetheDistinguishedNaturalistsaid：
"Thehaywhichweshallpurchaseforourhorsesthisevening—I
shallexpecttofindthestalksaboutfiftyfeetlong。AmI
right？"
"Why，no，"saidtheGuide；"afootortwoisabouttheusuallengthofourhay。Whatcanyoubethinkingof？"
TheDistinguishedNaturalistmadenoimmediatereply，butlater，asintheshadesofnighttheyjourneyedthroughthedesolatevastnessoftheGreatLoneLand，hebrokethesilence：
"Iwasthinking，"hesaid，"oftheuncommonmagnitudeofthatgrass—hopper。"
ThePaviorANAuthorsawaLabourerhammeringstonesintothepavementofastreet，andapproachinghimsaid：
"Myfriend，youseemweary。Ambitionisahardtaskmaster。"
"I’mworkingforMr。Jones，sir，"theLabourerreplied。
"Well，cheerup，"theAuthorresumed；"famecomesatthemostunexpectedtimes。To—dayyouarepoor，obscure，anddisheartened，andto—morrowtheworldmayberingingwithyourname。"
"Whatareyougivingme？"theLabourersaid。"Cannotanhonestpaviorperformhisworkinpeace，andgethismoneyforit，andhislivingbyit，withoutotherstalkingrotaboutambitionandhopesoffame？"
"Cannotanhonestwriter？"saidtheAuthor。
TheTriedAssassinANAssassinbeingputupontrialinaNewEnglandcourt，hisCounselroseandsaid："YourHonour，Imoveforadischargeonthegroundof’onceinjeopardy’：myclienthasbeenalreadytriedforthatmurderandacquitted。"
"Inwhatcourt？"askedtheJudge。
"IntheSuperiorCourtofSanFrancisco，"theCounselreplied。
"Letthetrialproceed—yourmotionisdenied，"saidtheJudge。
"AnAssassinisnotinjeopardywhentriedinCalifornia。"
TheBumboofJiamTHEPahdourofPatagascarandtheGookulofMadagoniaweredisputingaboutanislandwhichbothclaimed。Finally，atthesuggestionoftheInternationalLeagueofCannonFounders，whichhadimportantbranchesinbothcountries，theydecidedtorefertheirclaimstotheBumboofJiam，andabidebyhisjudgment。Insettlingthepreliminariesofthearbitrationtheyhad，however，themisfortunetodisagree，andappealedtoarms。Attheendofalonganddisastrouswar，whenbothsideswereexhaustedandbankrupt，theBumboofJiamintervenedintheinterestofpeace。
"Mygreatandgoodfriends，"hesaidtohisbrothersovereigns，"itwillbeadvantageoustoyoutolearnthatsomequestionsaremorecomplexandperilousthanothers，presentingagreaternumberofpointsuponwhichitispossibletodiffer。Forfourgenerationsyourroyalpredecessorsdisputedaboutpossessionofthatisland，withoutfallingout。Beware，oh，bewaretheperilsofinternationalarbitration!—againstwhichIfeelitmydutytoprotectyouhenceforth。"
Sosaying，heannexedbothcountries，andafteralong，peaceful，andhappyreignwaspoisonedbyhisPrimeMinister。
TheTwoPoetsTwoPoetswerequarrellingfortheAppleofDiscordandtheBoneofContention，fortheywereveryhungry。
"Mysons，"saidApollo，"Iwillparttheprizesbetweenyou。You，"
hesaidtotheFirstPoet，"excelinArt—taketheApple。Andyou，"hesaidtotheSecondPoet，"inImagination—taketheBone。"
"ToArtthebestprize!"saidtheFirstPoet，triumphantly，andendeavouringtodevourhisawardbrokeallhisteeth。TheApplewasaworkofArt。
"ThatshowsourMaster’scontemptformereArt，"saidtheSecondPoet，grinning。
ThereuponheattemptedtognawhisBone，buthisteethpassedthroughitwithoutresistance。ItwasanimaginaryBone。
TheThistlesupontheGraveAMINDReadermadeawagerthathewouldbeburiedaliveandremainsoforsixmonths，thenbedugupalive。Inordertosecurethegraveagainstsecretdisturbance，itwassownwiththistles。Attheendofthreemonths，theMindReaderlosthismoney。Hehadcomeuptoeatthethistles。
TheShadowoftheLeaderAPOLITICALLeaderwaswalkingoutonesunnyday，whenheobservedhisShadowleavinghimandwalkingrapidlyaway。
"Comebackhere，youscoundrel，"hecried。
"IfIhadbeenascoundrel，"answeredtheShadow，increasingitsspeed，"Ishouldnothaveleftyou。"
TheSagaciousRatARATthatwasabouttoemergefromhisholecaughtaglimpseofaCatwaitingforhim，anddescendingtothecolonyatthebottomoftheholeinvitedaFriendtojoinhiminavisittoaneighbouringcorn—bin。"Iwouldhavegonealone，"hesaid，"butcouldnotdenymyselfthepleasureofsuchdistinguishedcompany。"
"Verywell，"saidtheFriend，"Iwillgowithyou。Leadon。"
"Lead？"exclaimedtheother。"What!Iprecedesogreatandillustriousaratasyou？No，indeed—afteryou，sir，afteryou。"
Pleasedwiththisgreatshowofdeference，theFriendwentahead，and，leavingtheholefirst，wascaughtbytheCat，whoimmediatelytrottedawaywithhim。Theotherthenwentoutunmolested。
TheMemberandtheSoapAMEMBERoftheKansasLegislaturemeetingaCakeofSoapwaspassingitbywithoutrecognition，buttheCakeofSoapinsistedonstoppingandshakinghands。Thinkingitmightpossiblybeintheenjoymentoftheelectivefranchise，hegaveitacordialandearnestgrasp。Onlettingitgoheobservedthataportionofitadheredtohisfingers，andrunningtoabrookingreatalarmheproceededtowashitoff。Indoingsohenecessarilygotsomeontheotherhand，andwhenhehadfinishedwashing，bothweresowhitethathewenttobedandsentforaphysician。
AlarmandPride"GOOD—MORNING，myfriend，"saidAlarmtoPride；"howareyouthismorning？"
"Verytired，"repliedPride，seatinghimselfonastonebythewaysideandmoppinghissteamingbrow。"ThepoliticiansarewearingmeoutbypointingtotheirdirtyrecordswithME，whentheycouldaswelluseastick。"
Alarmsighedsympathetically，andsaid：
"Itisprettymuchthesamewayhere。Insteadofusinganopera—
glasstheyviewtheactsoftheiropponentswithME!"
Asthesepatientdrudgeswereminglingtheirtears，theywerenotifiedthattheymustgoondutyagain，foroneofthepoliticalpartieshadnominatedathiefandwasabouttoholdagratificationmeeting。
ACausewayARICHWomanhavingreturnedfromabroaddisembarkedatthefootofKnee—deepStreet，andwasabouttowalktoherhotelthroughthemud。
"Madam，"saidaPoliceman，"Icannotpermityoutodothat；youwouldsoilyourshoesandstockings。"
"Oh，thatisofnoimportance，really，"repliedtheRichWoman，withacheerfulsmile。
"But，madam，itisneedless；fromthewharftothehotel，asyouobserve，extendsanunbrokenlineofprostratenewspapermenwhocravethehonourofhavingyouwalkuponthem。"
"Inthatcase，"shesaid，seatingherselfinadoorwayandunlockinghersatchel，"Ishallhavetoputonmyrubberboots。"
TwoinTroubleMEETINGafatandpatrioticStatesmanonhiswaytoWashingtontobeseechthePresidentforanoffice，anidleTrampaccostedhimandbeggedtwenty—fivecentswithwhichtobuyasuitofclothes。
"Melancholywreck，"saidtheStatesman，"whatbroughtyoutothisstateofdegradation？Liquor，Isuppose。"
"Iamtemperatetothevergeofabsurdity，"repliedtheTramp。"Myfoiblewaspatriotism；Iwasruinedbythebanefulhabitoftryingtoservemycountry。Whatruinedyou？"
"Indolence。"
TheWitch’sSteedABROOMSTICKwhichhadlongservedawitchasasteedcomplainedofthenatureofitsemployment，whichitthoughtdegrading。
"Verywell，"saidtheWitch，"Iwillgiveyouworkinwhichyouwillbeassociatedwithintellect—youwillcomeincontactwithbrains。Ishallpresentyoutoahousewife。"
"What!"saidtheBroomstick，"doyouconsiderthehandsofahousewifeintellectual？"
"Ireferred，"saidtheWitch，"totheheadofhergoodman。"
TheAllDogALIONseeingaPoodlefellintolaughterattheridiculousspectacle。
"Whoeversawsosmallabeast？"hesaid。
"Itisverytrue，"saidthePoodle，withausteredignity，"thatI
amsmall；but，sir，IbegtoobservethatIamalldog。"
TheFarmer’sFriendAGREATPhilanthropistwhohadthoughtofhimselfinconnectionwiththePresidencyandhadintroducedabillintoCongressrequiringtheGovernmenttoloaneveryvoterallthemoneythatheneeded，onhispersonalsecurity，wasexplainingtoaSunday—schoolatarailwaystationhowmuchhehaddoneforthecountry，whenanangellookeddownfromHeavenandwept。
"Forexample，"saidtheGreatPhilanthropist，watchingtheteardropspatteringinthedust，"theseearlyrainsareofincalculableadvantagetothefarmer。"
PhysiciansTwoAWICKEDOldManfindinghimselfillsentforaPhysician，whoprescribedforhimandwentaway。ThentheWickedOldMansentforanotherPhysician，sayingnothingofthefirst，andanentirelydifferenttreatmentwasordered。Thiscontinuedforsomeweeks，thephysiciansvisitinghimonalternatedaysandtreatinghimfortwodifferentdisorders，withconstantlyenlargingdosesofmedicineandmoreandmorerigorousnursing。Butonedaytheyaccidentlymetathisbedsidewhileheslept，andthetruthcomingoutaviolentquarrelensued。
"Mygoodfriends，"saidthepatient，awakenedbythenoiseofthedispute，andapprehendingthecauseofit，"praybemorereasonable。IfIcouldforweeksendureyouboth，canyounotforalittlewhileendureeachother？Ihavebeenwellfortendays，buthaveremainedinbedinthehopeofgainingbyreposethestrengththatwouldjustifymeintakingyourmedicines。SofarI
havetouchednoneofit。"
TheOverlookedFactorAMANthatownedafineDog，andbyacarefulselectionofitsmatehadbredanumberofanimalsbutalittlelowerthantheangels，fellinlovewithhiswasherwoman，marriedher，andrearedafamilyofdolts。
"Alas!"heexclaimed，contemplatingthemelancholyresult，"hadI
butchosenamateformyselfwithhalfthecarethatIdidformyDogIshouldnowbeaproudandhappyfather。"
"I’mnotsosureofthat，"saidtheDog，overhearingthelament。
"There’sadifference，certainly，betweenyourwhelpsandmine，butIventuretoflattermyselfthatitisnotduealtogethertothemothers。YouandIarenotentirelyalikeourselves。"
ARacialParallelSOMEWhiteChristiansengagedindrivingChineseHeathensoutofanAmericantownfoundanewspaperpublishedinPekingintheChinesetongue，andcompelledoneoftheirvictimstotranslateaneditorial。ItturnedouttobeanappealtothepeopleoftheProvinceofPangKitodrivetheforeigndevilsoutofthecountryandburntheirdwellingsandchurches。AtthisevidenceofMongolianbarbaritytheWhiteChristiansweresogreatlyincensedthattheycarriedouttheiroriginaldesign。
TheHonestCadiAROBBERwhohadplunderedaMerchantofonethousandpiecesofgoldwastakenbeforetheCadi，whoaskedhimifhehadanythingtosaywhyheshouldnotbedecapitated。
"YourHonour，"saidtheRobber，"Icoulddonootherwisethantakethemoney，forAllahmademethatway。"
"Yourdefenceisingeniousandsound，"saidtheCadi，"andImustacquityouofcriminality。Unfortunately，AllahhasmademesothatImustalsotakeoffyourhead—unless，"headded，thoughtfully，"youoffermehalfofthegold；forHemademeweakundertemptation。"
ThereupontheRobberputfivehundredpiecesofgoldintotheCadi’shand。
"Good，"saidtheCadi。"Ishallnowremovebutonehalfyourhead。
ToshowmytrustinyourdiscretionIshallleaveintactthehalfyoutalkwith。"
TheKangarooandtheZebraAKANGAROOhoppingawkwardlyalongwithsomebulkyobjectconcealedinherpouchmetaZebra，anddesirousofkeepinghisattentionuponhimself，said：
"Yourcostumelooksasifyoumighthavecomeoutofthepenitentiary。"
"Appearancesaredeceitful，"repliedtheZebra，smilingintheconsciousnessofamoreinsupportablewit，"orIshouldhavetothinkthatyouhadcomeoutoftheLegislature。"
AMatterofMethodAPHILOSOPHERseeingaFoolbeatinghisDonkey，said：
"Abstain，myson，abstain，Iimplore。Thosewhoresorttoviolenceshallsufferfromviolence。"
"That，"saidtheFool，diligentlybelabouringtheanimal，"iswhatI’mtryingtoteachthisbeast—whichhaskickedme。"
"Doubtless，"saidthePhilosophertohimself，ashewalkedaway，"thewisdomoffoolsisnodeepernortruerthanours，buttheyreallydoseemtohaveamoreimpressivewayofimpartingit。"
TheManofPrincipleDURINGashowerofraintheKeeperofaZoologicalgardenobservedaManofPrinciplecrouchingbeneaththebellyoftheostrich，whichhaddrawnitselfuptoitsfullheighttosleep。
"Why，mydearsir，"saidtheKeeper，"ifyoufeartogetwet，you’dbettercreepintothepouchofyonderfemalekangaroo—theSALTARIXMACKINTOSHA—forifthatostrichwakeshewillkickyoutodeathinaminute。"
"Ican’thelpthat，"theManofPrinciplereplied，withthatloftyscornofpracticalconsiderationsdistinguishinghisspecies。"Hemaykickmetodeathifhewish，butuntilhedoesheshallgivemeshelterfromthestorm。Hehasswallowedmyumbrella。"
TheReturnedCalifornianAMANwashangedbytheneckuntilhewasdead。
"Whencedoyoucome？"SaintPeteraskedwhentheManpresentedhimselfatthegateofHeaven。
"FromCalifornia，"repliedtheapplicant。
"Enter，myson，enter；youbringjoyoustidings。"
WhentheManhadvanishedinside，SaintPetertookhismemorandum—
tabletandmadethefollowingentry：
"February16，1893。CaliforniaoccupiedbytheChristians。"
TheCompassionatePhysicianAKIND—HEARTEDPhysiciansittingatthebedsideofapatientafflictedwithanincurableandpainfuldisease，heardanoisebehindhim，andturningsawacatlaughingatthefeebleeffortsofawoundedmousetodragitselfoutoftheroom。
"Youcruelbeast!"criedhe。"Whydon’tyoukillitatonce，likealady？"
Rising，hekickedthecatoutofthedoor，andpickingupthemousecompassionatelyputitoutofitsmiserybypullingoffitshead。
Recalledtothebedsidebythemoansofhispatient，theKind—
heartedPhysicianadministeredastimulant，atonic，andanutrient，andwentaway。
TwooftheDamnedTWOBlightedBeings，haggard，lachrymose，anddetested，metonablastedheathinthelightofastrugglingmoon。
"IwishyouamerryChristmas，"saidtheFirstBlightedBeing，inavoicelikethatofasingingtomb。
"AndIyouahappyNewYear，"respondedtheSecondBlightedBeing，withtheaccentofapenitentaccordeon。
Theythenfelluponeachother’sneckandweptscaldingrillsdowneachother’sspineintokenoftheirbanishmenttotheRealmofIneffableBosh。ForoneoftheseaccursedcreatureswastheFirstofJanuary，andtheothertheTwenty—fifthofDecember。
TheAustereGovernorAGOVERNORvisitingaStateprisonwasimploredbyaConvicttopardonhim。
"Whatareyouinfor？"askedtheGovernor。
"Iheldahighoffice，"theConvicthumblyreplied，"andsoldsubordinateappointments。"
"ThenIdeclinetointerfere，"saidtheGovernor，withasperity；"amanwhoabuseshisofficebymakingitserveaprivateendandpurveyapersonaladvantageisunfittobefree。Bytheway，Mr。
Warden，"headdedtothatofficial，astheConvictslunkaway，"inappointingyoutothisposition，IwasgiventounderstandthatyourfriendscouldmaketheShikanecountydelegationtothenextStateconventionsolidfor—forthepresentAdministration。WasI
rightlyinformed？"
"Youwere，sir。"
"Verywell，then，Iwillbidyougood—day。PleasebesogoodastoappointmynephewNightChaplainandReminderofMothersandSisters。"
ReligionsofErrorHEARINGasoundofstrife，aChristianintheOrientaskedhisDragomanthecauseofit。
"TheBuddhistsarecuttingMohammedanthroats，"theDragomanreplied，withorientalcomposure。
"Ididnotknow，"remarkedtheChristian，withscientificinterest，"thatthatwouldmakesomuchnoise。"
"TheMohammedansarecuttingBuddhistthroats，too，"addedtheDragoman。