Itwasnogoodthesepeoplepretendingthattheydidnotunderstandtheirownlanguage，andputtingmeoffthatway。Theyhadgottounderstanditthistime。Thiswasnomerequestionofcoffeeandrolls;thiswasaseriousbusiness。IwouldmakethatwaiterunderstandmyScandinavian，ifIhadtohammeritintohisheadwithhisowncoffee-pot！
Iseizedhimbythearm，and，inScandinavianthatmusthavebeenquitepatheticinitstragicfervour，Iaskedhimifhehadseenmyfriend——myfriendB。
Themanonlystared。
Igrewdesperate。Ishookhim。Isaid：
"Myfriend——big，great，tall，large——ishewhere？Haveyouhimtoseewhere？Here？"
（IhadtoputitthatwaybecauseScandinaviangrammarisnotastrongpointwithme，andmyknowledgeoftheverbsisasyetlimitedtothepresenttenseoftheinfinitivemood。Besides，thiswasnotimetoworryaboutgraceofstyle。）
Acrowdgatheredroundus，attractedbytheman’sterrifiedexpression。Iappealedtothemgenerally。Isaid：
"MyfriendB。——head，red——boots，yellow，brown，gold——coat，littlesquares——nose，much，large！Ishewhere？Himtosee——anybody——
where？"
Notasoulmovedahandtohelpme。Theretheystoodandgaped！
Irepeateditalloveragainlouder，incaseanybodyontheoutskirtsofthemobhadnotheardit;andIrepeateditinanentirelynewaccent。IgavethemeverychanceIcould。
Theychattedexcitedlyamongthemselves，and，thenabrightideaseemedtostrikeoneofthem，alittlemoreintelligent-lookingthantherest，andherushedoutsideandbeganrunningupanddown，callingoutsomethingveryloudly，inwhichtheword"Norwegian"
keptonoccurring。
Hereturnedinafewseconds，evidentlyexceedinglypleasedwithhimself，accompaniedbyakindly-lookingoldgentlemaninawhitehat。
Waywasmadeinthecrowd，andtheoldgentlemanpressedforward。
Whenhegotnear，hesmiledatme，andthenproceededtoaddresstomealengthy，butnodoubtkindlymeant，speechinScandinavian。
Ofcourse，itwasallutterlyunintelligibletomefrombeginningtoend，andmyfaceclearlyshowedthis。IcangraspawordortwoofScandinavianhereandthere，ifpronouncedslowlyanddistinctly;
butthatisall。
Theoldgentlemanregardedmewithgreatsurprise。Hesaid（inScandinavian，ofcourse）：
"YouspeakNorwegian？"
Ireplied，inthesametongue：
"Alittle，averylittle——VERY。"
Heseemednotonlydisappointed，butindignant。Heexplainedthemattertothecrowd，andtheyallseemedindignant。
WHYeverybodyshouldbeindignantwithmeIcouldnotcomprehend。
ThereareplentyofpeoplewhodonotunderstandScandinavian。ItwasabsurdtobevexedwithmebecauseIdidnot。Idoknowalittle，andthatismorethansomepeopledo。
IinquiredoftheoldgentlemanaboutB。Hedidunderstandme。I
mustgivehimcreditforthat。Butbeyondunderstandingme，hewasofnomoreusethantheothers;andwhytheyhadtakensomuchtroubletofetchhim，Icouldnotimagine。
Whatwouldhavehappenedifthedifficultyhadcontinuedmuchlonger（forIwasgettingthoroughlywildwiththelotofthem）Icannotsay。Fortunately，atthismomentIcaughtsightofB。himself，whohadjustenteredtheroom。
IcouldnothavegreetedhimmoreheartilyifIhadwantedtoborrowmoneyofhim。
"Well，IAMgladtoseeyouagain！"Icried。"Well，thisIS
pleasant！IthoughtIhadlostyou！"
"Why，youareEnglish！"criedouttheoldgentlemaninthewhitehat，inverygoodSaxon，onhearingmespeaktoB。
"Well，Iknowthat，"Ireplied，"andI’mproudofit。HaveyouanyobjectiontomybeingEnglish？"
"Notintheleast，"heanswered，"ifyou’donlytalkEnglishinsteadofNorwegian。I’mEnglishmyself;"andhewalkedaway，evidentlymuchpuzzled。
B。saidtomeaswesatdown：
"I’lltellyouwhat’sthematterwithyou，J。——youknowtoomanylanguagesforthiscontinent。Yourlinguisticpowerswillbetheruinofusifyoudon’tholdtheminabit。Youdon’tknowanySanscritorChaldean，doyou？"
IrepliedthatIdidnot。
"AnyHebreworChinese？"
"Notaword。"
"Sure？"
"Notsomuchasafullstopinanyofthem。"
"That’sablessing，"saidB。，muchrelieved。"Youwouldbetryingtopalmoffoneorotherofthemonsomesimple-mindedpeasantforGerman，ifyoudid！"
Itisawearisomejourney，throughthelong，hothoursofthemorning，toCologne。Thecarriageisstifling。Railwaytravellers，Ihavealwaysnoticed，regardfreshairaspoison。Theyliketoliveontherefuseofeachother’sbreath，andcloseupeverywindowandventilatortight。Thesunpoursdownthroughglassandblindandscorchesourlimbs。Ourheadsandourbodiesache。Thedustandsootdriftinandsettleonourclothes，andgrimeourhandsandface。Wealldozeandwakeupwithastart，andfalltosleepagainuponeachother。Iwake，andfindmyneighbourwithhisheaduponmyshoulder。Itseemsashametocasthimoff;helookssotrustful。Butheisheavy。Ipushhimontothemantheotherside。Heisjustashappythere。Werollabout;andwhenthetrainjerks，webutteachotherwithourheads。Thingsfallfromtherackuponus。Welookupsurprised，andgotosleepagain。Mybagtumblesdownupontheheadoftheunjustmaninthecorner。（Isitretribution？）Hestartsup，begsmypardon，andsinksbackintooblivion。Iamtoosleepytopickupthebag。Itliesthereonthefloor。Theunjustmanusesitforafootstool。
Welookout，throughhalf-closedeyes，upontheparched，level，treelessland;uponthelittlepatchworkfarmsofcornandbeetroot，oatsandfruit，growingundivided，sidebyside，eachlookinglikealittlegardendroppeddownintotheplain;uponthelittledullstonehouses。
Asteepleappearsfarawayuponthehorizon。（Thefirstthingthatweaskofmenistheirfaith："Whatdoyoubelieve？"Thefirstthingthattheyshowusistheirchurch："THISwebelieve。"）Thenatallchimneyrangesitselfalongside。（Firstfaith，thenworks。）
Thenaconfusedjumbleofroofs，outofwhich，atlast，standforthindividualhouses，factories，streets，andwedrawupinasleepingtown。
Peopleopenthecarriagedoor，andlookinuponus。Theydonotappeartothinkmuchofus，andclosethedooragainquickly，withabang，andwesleeponcemore。
Aswerumbleon，thecountryslowlywakes。RudeV-shapedcarts，drawnbyyokedoxen，andevensometimesbycows，waitpatientlywhilewecrossthelong，straightroadsstretchingbareformanyamileacrosstheplain。Peasantstrudgealongthefieldstowork。
Smokerisesfromthevillagesandfarm-houses。Passengersarewaitingatthewaysidestations。
Towardsmid-day，onlookingout，weseetwotinyspiresstandingsidebysideagainstthesky。Theyseemtobetwins，andgrowtallerasweapproach。IdescribethemtoB。，andhesaystheyarethesteeplesofCologneCathedral;andweallbegintoyawnandstretch，andtocollectourbagsandcoatsandumbrellas。
HALFOFSATURDAY24TH，ANDSOMEOFSUNDAY，25TH
DifficultyofKeepingthisDiary。——ABigWash。——TheGermanBed。——ItsGoingsOn。——MannersandCustomsoftheGermanArmy。——B。’sBesettingSin。——CologneCathedral。——ThoughtsWithoutWords。——ACuriousCustom。
Thisdiaryisgettingmixed。Thetruthis，Iamnotlivingasamanwhokeepsadiaryshouldlive。Iought，ofcourse，tositdowninfrontofthisdiaryateleveno’clockatnight，andwritedownallthathasoccurredtomeduringtheday。Butateleveno’clockatnight，Iaminthemiddleofalongrailwayjourney，orhavejustgotup，oramjustgoingtobedforacoupleofhours。Wegotobedatoddmoments，whenwehappentocomeacrossabed，andhaveafewminutestospare。Wehavebeentobedthisafternoon，andarenowhavinganotherbreakfast;andIamnotquitesurewhetheritisyesterdayorto-morrow，orwhatdayitis。
Ishallnotattempttowriteupthisdiaryintheorthodoxmanner，therefore;butshallfixinafewlineswheneverIhavehalf-an-hourwithnothingbettertodo。
WewashedourselvesintheRhineatCologne（wehadnothadawashsincewehadleftourhappyhomeinEngland）。Westartedwiththeideaofwashingourselvesatthehotel;butonseeingthebasinandwaterandtowelprovided，Idecidednottowastemytimeplayingwiththem。AswellmightHerculeshaveattemptedtotidyuptheAugeanstableswithasquirt。
Weappealedtothechambermaid。Weexplainedtoherthatwewantedtowash——tocleanourselves——nottoblowbubbles。Couldwenothavebiggerbasinsandmorewaterandmoreextensivetowels？Thechambermaid（astaidoldladyofaboutfifty）didnotthinkthatanythingbettercouldbedoneforusbythehotelfraternityofCologne，andseemedtothinkthattheriverwasmorewhatwewanted。
Ifanciedthattheoldsoulwasspeakingsarcastically，butB。said"No;"shewasthinkingofthebathsalongsidetheriver，andsuggestedthatweshouldgothere。Iagreed。Itseemedtomethattheriver——theRhine——would，ifanythingcould，meetthecase。
Thereoughttobeplentyofwaterinitnow，aftertheheavyspringrains。
WhenIsawit，Ifeltsatisfied。IsaidtoB。：
"That’sallright，oldman;that’sthesortofthingweneed。ThatisjustthesizedriverIfeelIcangetmyselfcleaninthisafternoon。"
IhaveheardagooddealinpraiseoftheRhine，andIamgladtobeabletospeakwellofitmyself。Ifounditmostrefreshing。
Iwas，however，sorrythatwehadwashedinitafterwards。IhaveheardfromfriendswhohavetravelledsinceinGermanythatwecompletelyspoiledthatriverfortherestoftheseason。Notforbusinesspurposes，Idonotmean。Thebargetraffichasbeen，comparativelyspeaking，uninterferedwith。Butthetouristtradehassufferedterribly。PartieswhousuallygouptheRhinebysteamerhave，afterlookingattheriver，gonebytrainthisyear。
TheboatagentshavetriedtopersuadethemthattheRhineisalwaysthatcolour：thatitgetslikethatowingtothedirtandrefusewasheddownintoitduringitscourseamongthemountains。
Butthetouristshaverefusedtoacceptthisexplanation。Theyhavesaid：
"No。Mountainswillaccountforagooddeal，weadmit，butnotforallTHAT。WeareacquaintedwiththeordinaryconditionoftheRhine，andalthoughmuddy，andattimesunpleasant，itispassable。
Asitisthissummer，however，wewouldprefernottotraveluponit。Wewillwaituntilafternextyear’sspring-floods。"
Wewenttobedafterourwash。TotheblaseEnglishbed-goer，accustomedallhislifetothesameoldhackneyedstyleofbednightafternight，thereissomethingverypleasantlypiquantabouttheexperienceoftryingtosleepinaGermanbed。Hedoesnotknowitisabedatfirst。Hethinksthatsomeonehasbeengoingroundtheroom，collectingallthesacksandcushionsandantimacassarsandsucharticlesthathehashappenedtofindabout，andhaspiledthemuponawoodentrayreadyformoving。Heringsforthechambermaid，andexplainstoherthatshehasshownhimintothewrongroom。Hewantedabedroom。
Shesays："ThisISabedroom。"
Hesays："Where’sthebed？"
"There！"shesays，pointingtotheboxonwhichthesacksandantimacassarsandcushionsliepiled。
"That！"hecries。"HowamIgoingtosleepinthat？"
Thechambermaiddoesnotknowhowheisgoingtosleepthere，neverhavingseenagentlemangotosleepanywhere，andnotknowinghowtheysetaboutit;butsuggeststhathemighttrylyingdownflat，andshuttinghiseyes。
"Butitisnotlongenough，"hesays。
Thechambermaidthinkshewillbeabletomanage，ifhetuckshislegsup。
Heseesthathewillnotgetanythingbetter，andthathemustputupwithit。
"Oh，verywell！"hesays。"Looksharpandgetitmade，then。"
Shesays："Itismade。"
Heturnsandregardsthegirlsternly。Isshetakingadvantageofhisbeingalonelystranger，farfromhomeandfriends，tomockhim？
Hegoesovertowhatshecallsthebed，andsnatchingoffthetop-
mostsackfromthepileandholdingitup，says：
"Perhapsyou’lltellmewhatthisis，then？"
"That，"saysthegirl，"that’sthebed！"
Heissomewhatnonplussedattheunexpectedreply。
"Oh！"hesays。"Oh！thebed，isit？Ithoughtitwasapincushion！
Well，ifitisthebed，thenwhatisitdoingouthere，onthetopofeverythingelse？YouthinkthatbecauseI’monlyaman，Idon’tunderstandabed！"
"That’stheproperplaceforit，"respondsthechambermaid。
"What！ontop？"
"Yes，sir。"
"Well，thenwherearetheclothes？"
"Underneath，sir。"
"Lookhere，mygoodgirl，"hesays;"youdon’tunderstandme，orI
don’tunderstandyou，oneortheother。WhenIgotosleep，Ilieonabedandpulltheclothesoverme。Idon’twanttolieontheclothes，andcovermyselfwiththebed。Thisisn’tacomicballet，youknow！"
Thegirlassureshimthatthereisnomistakeaboutthematteratall。Thereisthebed，madeaccordingtoGermannotionsofhowabedshouldbemade。Hecanmakethebestofitandtrytogotosleepuponit，orhecanbesulkyandgotosleeponthefloor。
Heisverymuchsurprised。Itlookstohimthesortofbedthatamanwouldmakeforhimselfoncominghomelatefromaparty。Butitisnousearguingthematterwiththegirl。
"Allright，"hesays;"bringmeapillow，andI’llriskit！"
Thechambermaidexplainsthattherearetwopillowsonthebedalready，indicating，asshedoesso，twoflatcushions，eachoneayardsquare，placedoneontopoftheotheratoneendofthemixture。
"These！"exclaimsthewearytraveller，beginningtofeelthathedoesnotwanttogotobedatall。"Thesearenotpillows！Iwantsomethingtoputmyheadon;notathingthatcomesdowntothemiddleofmyback！Don’ttellmethatI’vegottosleeponthesethings！"
Butthegirldoestellhimso，andalsoimpliesthatshehassomethingelsetodothantostandtherealldaytalkingbed-gossipwithhim。
"Well，justshowmehowtostart，"hesays，"whichwayyougetintoit，andthenIwon’tkeepyouanylonger;I’llpuzzleouttherestformyself。"
Sheexplainsthetricktohimandleaves，andheundressesandcrawlsin。
Thepillowsgivehimagooddealofworry。Hedoesnotknowwhetherheismeanttositonthemormerelytoleanupagainstthem。Inexperimentinguponthispoint，hebumpshisheadagainstthetopboardofthebedstead。Atthis，hesays，"Oh！"andshootshimselfdowntothebottomofthebed。Hereallhistentoessimultaneouslycomeintosharpcontactwiththeboardatthebottom。
Nothingirritatesamanmorethanbeingrappedoverthetoes，especiallyifhefeelsthathehasdonenothingtodeserveit。Hesays，"Oh，damn！"thistime，andspasmodicallydoublesuphislegs，thusgivinghiskneesaviolentblowagainsttheboardatthesideofthebed。（TheGermanbedstead，beitremembered，isbuiltintheformofashallow，openbox，andthevictimisthuscompletelysurroundedbysolidpiecesofwoodwithsharpedges。Idonotknowwhatspeciesofwooditisthatisemployed。Itisextremelyhard，andgivesforthacuriousmusicalsoundwhenstrucksharplywithabone。）
Afterthisheliesperfectlystillforawhile，wonderingwhereheisgoingtobehitnext。Findingthatnothinghappens，hebeginstoregainconfidence，andventurestogentlyfeelaroundwithhisleftlegandtakestockofhisposition。
Forclothes，hehasonlyaverythinblanketandsheet，andbeneaththesehefeelsdecidedlychilly。Thebediswarmenough，sofarasitgoes，butthereisnotenoughofit。Hedrawsituproundhischin，andthenhisfeetbegintofreeze。Hepushesitdownoverhisfeet，andthenallthetoppartofhimshivers。
Hetriestorollupintoaball，soastogetthewholeofhimselfunderneathit，butdoesnotsucceed;thereisalwayssomeofhimleftoutsideinthecold。
Hereflectsthata"bonelesswonder"ora"manserpent"wouldbecomfortableenoughinthisbed，andwishesthathehadbeenbroughtupasacontortionist。Ifhecouldonlytiehislegsroundhisneck，andtuckhisheadinunderhisarm，allwouldyetbewell。
Neverhavingbeentaughttodoanyreallyusefultrickssuchasthese，however，hehastobecontenttoremainspreadout，warmingabitofhimselfatatime。
Itis，perhaps，foolishofhim，amidsomanyrealtroubles，toallowamereaestheticalconsiderationtoworryhim，butasheliesthereonhisback，lookingdownathimself，thesightthathepresentstohimselfconsiderablyannoyshim。Thepuffed-upbed，restingonthemiddleofhim，giveshimtheappearanceofamansufferingfromsomemonstrousswelling，orelseofsomeexceptionallywell-developedfrogthathasbeenturnedupthewrongwayanddoesnotknowhowtogetontoitslegsagain。
Anothervexationthathehastocontendwithis，thateverytimehemovesalimborbreathesextrahard，thebed（whichisonlyofdown）
tumblesoffontothefloor。
YoucannotleanoutofaGermanbedtopickupanythingoffthefloor，owingtoitsbox-likeformation;sohehastoscrambleoutafterit，andofcourseeverytimehedoesthishebarksbothhisshinstwiceagainstthesidesofthebed。
Whenhehasperformedthisfeatforaboutthetenthtime，heconcludesthatitwasmadnessforhim，amererawamateuratthebusiness，tothinkthathecouldmanageacomplicated，trickybedofthissort，thatmusttakeevenanexperiencedmanallheknowstosleepinit;andgetsoutandcampsonthefloor。
Atleast，thatiswhatIdid。B。isaccustomedtoGermanbeds，anddoubledhimselfupandwentofftosleepwithouttheslightestdifficulty。
Wesleptfortwohours，andthengotupandwentbacktotherailway-station，wherewedined。Therailwayrefreshment-roominGermantownsappearstobeasmuchpatronisedbytheinhabitantsofthetownasbythetravellerspassingthrough。Itisregardedasanordinaryrestaurant，andusedassuchbythecitizens。Wefoundthedining-roomatColognestationcrowdedwithCologneists。
Allclassesofcitizenswerethere，butespeciallysoldiers。Therewereallsortsofsoldiers——soldiersofrank，andsoldiersofrankandfile;attachedsoldiers（verymuchattached，apparently）andsoldiersunattached;stoutsoldiers，thinsoldiers;oldsoldiers，youngsoldiers。Fourveryyoungsoldierssatoppositeus，drinkingbeer。Ineversawsuchyoungsoldiersoutbythemselvesbefore。
Theyeachlookedabouttwelveyearsold，butmayhavebeenthirteen;
andtheyeachlooked，also，readyandwillingtostormabattery，iftheorderweregiventothemtodoit。Theretheysat，raisingandloweringtheirhugemugsofbeer，discussingmilitarymatters，andrisingeverynowandagaintogravelysalutesomeofficerashepassed，andtoreceiveasgravelyhisgravesaluteinreturn。
Thereseemedtobeadealofsalutingtobegonethrough。Officerskeptenteringandpassingthroughtheroominanalmostcontinualstream，andeverytimeonecameinsightallthemilitarydrinkersandeatersroseandsaluted，andremainedatthesaluteuntiltheofficerhadpassed。
Oneyoungsoldier，whowastryingtoeataplateofsoupnearus，I
feltquitesorryfor。Everytimehegotthespoonnearhismouthanofficerinvariablyhoveinview，anddownwouldhavetogothespoon，soupandall，anduphewouldhavetorise。Itneverseemedtooccurtothesillyfellowtogetunderthetableandfinishhisdinnerthere。
Wehadhalf-an-hourtosparebetweendinnerandthestartingofourtrain，andB。suggestedthatweshouldgointothecathedral。ThatisB。’soneweakness，churches。Ihavethegreatestdifficultyingettinghimpastachurch-door。Wearewalkingalongastreet，arminarm，talkingasrationallyandevenasvirtuouslyasneedbe，whenallatonceIfindthatB。hasbecomesilentandabstracted。
Iknowwhatitis;hehascaughtsightofachurch。Ipretendnottonoticeanychangeinhim，andendeavourtohurryhimon。Helagsmoreandmorebehind，however，andatlaststopsaltogether。
"Come，come，"Isaytohim，encouragingly，"pullyourselftogether，andbeaman。Don’tthinkaboutit。Putitbehindyou，anddeterminethatyouWON’Tbeconquered。Come，weshallberoundthecornerinanotherminute，whereyouwon’tbeabletoseeit。Takemyhand，andlet’srun！"
Hemakesafewfeeblestepsforwardwithme，andthenstopsagain。
"It’snogood，oldman，"hesays，withasicklysmile，sofullofpathosthatitisimpossibletofinditinone’shearttofeelanythingbutpityforhim。"Ican’thelpit。Ihavegivenwaytothissortofthingtoolong。Itistoolatetoreformnow。Yougoonandgetadrinksomewhere;I’lljoinyouagaininafewminutes。
Don’tworryaboutme;it’snogood。"
Andbackhegoeswithtotteringsteps，whileIsadlypassonintothenearestcafe，and，overaglassofabsintheorcognac，thankProvidencethatIlearnttocontrolmycravingforchurchesinearlyyouth，andsoamnotnowlikethispoorB。
Inalittlewhilehecomesin，andsitsdownbesideme。Thereisawild，unhealthyexcitementinhiseye，and，underadefiantairofunnaturalgaiety，heattemptstohidehisconsciousnessofguilt。
"Itwasalovelyaltar-cloth，"hewhisperstome，withanenthusiasmthatonlymakesonesorrowforhimthemore，soutterlyimpossibledoesitcauseallhopeofcuretoseem。"Andthey’vegotacoffininthenorthcryptthatissimplyapoem。Ineverenjoyedasarcophagusmoreinallmylife。"
Idonotsaymuchatthetime;itwouldbeuseless。Butafterthedayisdone，andwearestandingbesideourlittlebeds，andallaroundisassilentasonecanexpectittobeinanhotelwherepeopleseemtobearrivingallnightlongwithheavyluggage，andtobeall，moreorless，introuble，Iarguewithhim，andgentlyreprovehim。Toavoidtheappearanceofsermonisingasmuchaspossible，Iputitonmeregroundsofexpediency。
"Howarewetofindtime，"Isay，"togotoalltheplacesthatwereallyoughttogoto——toallthecafesandtheatresandmusic-hallsandbeer-gardensanddancing-saloonsthatwewanttovisit——ifyouwastehalfthepreciousdayloafingaboutchurchesandcathedrals？"
Heisdeeplymoved，andpromisestoswearoff。Hevows，withtearsinhisvoice，thathewillneverenterachurch-dooragain。Butnextmorning，whenthetemptationcomes，allhisgoodresolutionsaresweptaway，andagainheyields。Itisnogoodbeingangrywithhim，becauseheevidentlydoesreallytry;butthereissomethingaboutthemereodourofachurchthathesimplycannotwithstand。
Notknowing，then，thatthisweaknessofhisforchurcheswassostrong，ImadenoobjectiontotheproposedvisittoCologneCathedral，and，accordingly，towardsitwewendedourway。B。hasseenitbefore，andknowsallaboutit。Hetellsmeitwasbegunaboutthemiddleofthethirteenthcentury，andwasonlycompletedtenyearsago。Itseemstomethattheremusthavebeengrossdelayonthepartofthebuilder。Why，aplumberwouldbeashamedtotakeaslongasthatoverajob！
B。alsoassertsthatthetwotowersarethehighestchurchtowersintheworld。Idisputethis，anddeprecatethetowersgenerally。B。
warmlydefendsthem。HesaystheyarehigherthananybuildinginEurope，excepttheEiffelTower。
"Oh，dearno！"Isay，"therearemanybuildingshigherthantheyinEurope——tosaynothingofAsiaandAmerica。"
Ihavenoauthorityformakingthisassertion。Asamatteroffact，Iknownothingwhateveraboutthematter。ImerelysayittoirritateB。Heappearstotakeasortofpersonalinterestinthebuilding，andenlargesuponitsbeautiesandadvantageswithasmuchfervourasifhewereanauctioneertryingtoselltheplace。
Heretortsthatthetowersare512feethigh。
Isay：
"Nonsense！Somebodyhasimposeduponyou，becausetheyseeyouareaforeigner。"
Hebecomesquiteangryatthis，andsayshecanshowmethefiguresintheguide-book。
"Theguide-book！"Ireply，scornfully。"You’llbelieveanewspapernext！"
B。asksme，indignantly，whatheightIshouldsaytheyare，then。I
examinethemcriticallyforafewminutes，andthengiveitasmyopinionthattheydonotexceed510feetattheveryoutside。B。
seemsannoyedwithme，andweenterthechurchinsilence。
Thereislittletobesaidaboutacathedral。Excepttotheprofessionalsightseer，oneisverymuchlikeanother。Theirbeautytomelies，notinthepaintingsandsculpturetheygivehouseroomto，norinthebonesandbric-a-bracpiledupintheircellars，butinthemselves——theirechoingvastness，theirdeepsilence。
Abovethelittlehomesofmen，abovethenoisyteemingstreets，theyriselikesomesoftstrainofperfectmusic，cleavingitswayamidthejangleofdiscordantnotes。Here，wherethevoicesoftheworldsoundfaint;here，wherethecity’sglamourcomesnotin，itisgoodtorestforawhile——ifonlythepesteringguideswouldleaveonealone——andthink。
ThereismuchhelpinSilence。Fromitstouchwegainrenewedlife。
SilenceistotheSoulwhathisMotherEarthwastoBriareus。Fromcontactwithitwerisehealedofourhurtsandstrengthenedforthefight。
Amidthebabeloftheschoolswestandbewilderedandaffrighted。
Silencegivesuspeaceandhope。Silenceteachesusnocreed，onlythatGod’sarmsarearoundtheuniverse。
HowsmallandunimportantseemallourfretfultroublesandambitionswhenwestandwiththeminourhandbeforethegreatcalmfaceofSilence！Wesmileatthemourselves，andareashamed。
Silenceteachesushowlittleweare——howgreatweare。Intheworld’smarket-placeswearetinkers，tailors，apothecaries，thieves——respectableorotherwise，asthecasemaybe——mereatomsofamightymachine——mereinsectsinavasthive。
ItisonlyinSilencethatitcomeshometousthatwearesomethingmuchgreaterthanthis——thatweareMEN，withalltheuniverseandalleternitybeforeus。
ItisinSilencewehearthevoiceofTruth。Thetemplesandthemartsofmenechoallnightanddaytotheclamourofliesandshamsandquackeries。ButinSilencefalsehoodcannotlive。YoucannotfloatalieonSilence。Aliehastobepuffedaloft，andkeptfromfallingbymen’sbreath。LeavealieonthebosomofSilence，anditsinks。Atruthfloatstherefairandstately，likesomestoutshipuponadeepocean。Silencebuoysheruplovinglyforallmentosee。Notuntilshehasgrownworn-outandrotten，andisnolongeratruth，willthewatersofSilencecloseoverher。
Silenceistheonlyrealthingwecanlayholdofinthisworldofpassingdreams。Timeisashadowthatwillvanishwiththetwilightofhumanity;butSilenceisapartoftheeternal。Allthingsthataretrueandlastinghavebeentaughttomen’sheartsbySilence。
Amongallnations，thereshouldbevasttemplesraisedwherethepeoplemightworshipSilenceandlistentoit，foritisthevoiceofGod。
Thesefairchurchesandcathedralsthatmenhaverearedaroundthemthroughouttheworld，havebeenbuiltashomesformerecreeds——thisoneforProtestantism，thatoneforRomanism，anotherforMahomedanism。ButGod’sSilencedwellsinallalike，onlydrivenforthattimesbythetinklingofbellsandthemumblingofprayers;
and，inthem，itisgoodtositawhileandhavecommunionwithher。
Westrolledround，beforewecameout。Justbytheentrancetothechoiranofficialstoppedme，andaskedmeifIwantedtogoandseealotoffal-lalthingshehadgotonshow——relicsandbones，andoldmasters，andsuch-likeWardour-streetrubbish。
Itoldhim，"No";andattemptedtopasson，buthesaid：
"No，no！Youdon’tpay，youdon’tgointhere，"andshutthegate。
HesaidthissentenceinEnglish;andtheprecisionandfluencywithwhichhedelivereditrathersuggestedtheideathatitwasaphrasemuchinrequest，andonethathehadhadagooddealofpracticein。
ItisveryprevalentthroughoutGermany，thiscustomofnotallowingyoutogointoseeathingunlessyoupay。
ENDOFSATURDAY，24TH，ANDBEGINNINGOFSUNDAY，25TH——CONTINUED
TheRhine！——HowHistoryisWritten。——ComplicatedVillages。——HowaPeacefulCommunityWasVeryMuchUpset。——TheGermanRailwayGuard。——
HisPassionforTickets。——WeDiffuseComfortandJoyWhereverWeGo，GladdeningtheWeary，andBringingSmilestoThemthatWeep。——
"Tickets，Please。"——HuntingExperiences。——ANaturalMistake。——FreeAcrobaticPerformancebytheGuard。——TheRailwayAuthorities’LittleJoke。——WhyWeShouldThinkoftheSorrowsofOthers。
Wereturnedtothestationjustintimetosecurecomfortableseats，andat5。10steamedoutuponourfifteenhours’runtoMunich。FromBonntoMayencethelinekeepsbythesideoftheRhinenearlythewholeoftheway，andwehadasplendidviewoftheriver，withtheold-worldtownsandvillagesthatclusterrounditsbank，themistymountainsthatmakeearlytwilightuponitsswiftlyrollingwaves，thecastledcragsandprecipicesthatriseupsheerandmajesticfromitsmargin，thewoodedrocksthathangwiththreateningfrownaboveitssombredepths，theruinedtowersandturretsthatcapeachpointalongitsshores，thepleasantislesthatstudlikegemsitsbroadexpanseofwaters。
Fewthingsinthisworldcomeuptoexpectation，especiallythosethingsofwhichonehasbeenledtoexpectmuch，andaboutwhichonehasheardagooddeal。Withthisphilosophyrunninginmyhead，I
waspreparedtofindtheRhineamuchover-ratedriver。
Iwaspleasantlydisappointed。Thepanoramawhichunfoldeditselfbeforeoureyes，aswespedalongthroughthequiettwilightthatwasdeepeningintostarrynight，waswonderfullybeautiful，entrancingandexpressive。
Idonotintendtodescribeittoyou。Todojusticetothetheme，IshouldhavetobeevenamorebrilliantandpowerfulwriterthanI
am。Toattemptthesubject，withoutdoingitjustice，wouldbeawasteofyourtime，sweetreader，andofmine——astillmoreimportantmatter。
Iconfessitwasnotmyoriginalintentiontoletyouoffsoeasily。
Istartedwiththeideaofgivingyouarapidbutglowingandeloquentword-pictureofthevalleyoftheRhinefromColognetoMayence。Forbackground，IthoughtIwouldsketchinthehistoricalandlegendaryeventsconnectedwiththedistrict，andagainstthis，foraforeground，Iwoulddraw，invividcolours，themodernaspectofthescene，withremarksandobservationsthereon。
Herearemyroughnotes，madeforthepurpose：-
Mems。forChapteronRhine："ConstantinetheGreatusedtocomehere——sodidAgrippa。（N。B。——TryandfindoutsomethingaboutAgrippa。）CaesarhadagooddealtodowiththeRhine——alsoNero’smother。"
（Tothereader。——Thebrevityofthesememorandarenderstheirimport，attimes，confusing。Forinstance，thismeansthatCaesarandNero’smotherbothhadagooddealtodowiththeRhine;notthatCaesarhadagooddealtodowithNero’smother。IexplainthisbecauseIshouldbesorrytoconveyanyfalseimpressionconcerningeithertheladyorCaesar。Scandalisathingabhorrenttomynature。）
Notescontinued："TheUbiididsomethingontherightbankoftheRhineatanearlyperiod，andafterwardswerefoundontheotherside。（ExpecttheUbiiwereatribe;butmakesureofthis，astheymightbesomethinginthefossilline。）ColognewasthecradleofGermanart。Talkaboutartandtheoldmasters。Treattheminakindlyandgentlespirit。Theyaredeadnow。SaintUrsulawasmurderedatCologne，witheleventhousandvirginattendants。Theremusthavebeenquiteapartyofthem。Drawpowerfulandpatheticimaginarypictureoftheslaughter。（N。B。——Findoutwhomurderedthemall。）SaysomethingabouttheEmperorMaximilian。Callhim’themightyMaximilian。’MentionCharlemagne（agooddealshouldbemadeoutofCharlemagne）andtheFranks。（FindoutallabouttheFranks，andwheretheylived，andwhathasbecomeofthem。）SketchthevariouscontestsbetweentheRomansandtheGoths。（Readup’Gibbon’forthis，unlessyoucangetenoughoutofMangnall’sQuestions。）Givepicturesqueaccount——withcomments——ofthebattlesbetweenthecitizensofCologneandtheirhaughtyarchbishops。
（N。B。——LetthemfightonabridgeovertheRhine，unlessitisdistinctlystatedsomewherethattheydidn’t。）BringintheMinne-
singers，especiallyWaltervonVogelweid;makehimsingunderacastle-wallsomewhere，andletthegirldie。TalkaboutAlbertDurer。Criticisehisstyle。Sayit’sflat。（Ifpossible，findoutifitISflat。）"TherattowerontheRhine，"nearBingen。
Describetheplaceandtellthewholestory。Don’tspinitouttoolong，becauseeverybodyknowsit。"TheBrothersofBornhofen，"
storyconnectedwiththetwincastlesofSterrenbergandLiebenstein，ConradandHeinrich——brothers——bothloveHildegarde。
Shewasverybeautiful。HeinrichgenerouslyrefusestomarrythebeautifulHildegarde，andgoesawaytotheCrusades，leavinghertohisbrotherConrad。Conradconsidersoverthematterforayearortwo，andthenHEdecidesthathewon’tmarryhereither，butwillleaveherforhisbrotherHeinrich，andHEgoesofftotheCrusades，fromwhencehereturns，afewyearslateron，withaGrecianbride。
ThebeautifulH。，muddledupbetweenthepairofthem，andthevictimoftoomuchgenerosity，getssulky（don’tblameher），andshutsherselfupinalonelypartofthecastle，andwon’tseeanybodyforyears。ChivalrousHeinrichreturns，andiswildthathisbrotherC。hasnotmarriedthebeautifulH。Itdoesnotoccurtohimtomarrythegirleventhen。Thefeverishyearningdisplayedbyeachofthesetwobrothers，thattheotheroneshouldmarrythebelovedHildegarde，isverytouching。Heinrichdrawshissword，andthrowshimselfuponhisbrotherC。tokillhim。ThebeautifulHildegarde，however，throwsherselfbetweenthemandreconciliatesthem，andthen，convincedthatneitherofthemmeansbusiness，andnaturallydisgustedwiththewholeaffair，retiresintoanunnery。
Conrad’sGrecianbridesubsequentlythrowsherselfawayonanotherman，uponwhichConradthrowshimselfonhisbrotherH。’sbreast，andtheysweareternalfriendship。（Makeitpathetic。Pretendyouhavesatamidtheruinsinthemoonlight，andgivethescene——withghosts。）"Rolandseck，"nearBonn。TellthestoryofRolandandHildegunde（seeBaedeker，p。66）。Don’tmakeittoolong，becauseitissomuchliketheother。Describethefuneral？The"WatchTowerontheRhine"belowAudernach。Query，isn’tthereasongaboutthis？Ifso，putitin。CoblentzandEhrenbreitstein。Greatfortresses。Callthem"theFrowningSentinelsoftheState。"MakereflectionsontheGermanarmy，alsoonwargenerally。ChataboutFredericktheGreat。（ReadCarlyle’shistoryofhim，andpickouttheinterestingbits。）TheDrachenfels。QuoteByron。Moraliseaboutruinedcastlesgenerally，anddescribethemiddleages，withyourviewsandopinionsonsame。"
Thereismuchmoreofit，butthatissufficienttoletyouseetheschemeIhadinmyhead。Ihavenotcarriedoutmyscheme，because，whenIcametoreflectuponthematter，itseemedtomethattheideawoulddevelopintosomethingthatwouldbemoreinthenatureofahistoryofEuropethanachapterinatourist’sdiary，andI
determinednottowastemytimeuponit，untiltherearoseagreaterpublicdemandforanewHistoryofEuropethanthereappearstoexistatpresent。
"Besides，"Iarguedtomyself，"suchaworkwouldbejusttheverythingwithwhichtobeguilethetediumofalongimprisonment。AtsomefuturetimeImaybegladofalabourofthismagnitudetooccupyaperiodofinvoluntaryinaction。"
"Thisisthesortofthing，"Isaidtomyself，"tosaveupforHollowayorPentonville。"
Itwouldhavebeenaveryenjoyableridealtogether，thatevening’sspinalongthebanksoftheRhine，ifIhadnotbeenhauntedatthetimebytheideathatIshouldhavetowriteanaccountofitnextdayinmydiary。Asitwas，Ienjoyeditasamanenjoysadinnerwhenhehasgottomakeaspeechafterit，orasacriticenjoysaplay。
Wepassedsuchoddlittlevillageseveryhereandthere。Littleplacessocrowdedupbetweentherailwayandtheriverthattherewasnoroominthemforanystreets。Allthehouseswerejumbleduptogetherjustanyhow，andhowanymanwholivedinthemiddlecouldgethomewithoutclimbingoverhalftheotherhousesintheplaceI
couldnotmakeout。Theywerethesortofvillageswhereaman’smother-in-law，comingtopayhimavisit，mightwanderaroundallday，hearinghim，andevennowandthenseeinghim，yetneverbeingabletogetathiminconsequenceofnotknowingthewayin。
Adrunkenman，livinginoneofthesevillages，couldneverhopetogethome。Hewouldhavetositdownoutside，andwaittillhisheadwasclear。
Wewitnessedtheopeningscenesofaveryamusinglittlecomedyatoneofthetownswherethetraindrewup。Thechiefcharacterswereplayedbyanactiveyounggoat，asmallboy，anelderlymanandawoman，parentsofthesmallboyandownersofthegoat，andadog。
Firstweheardayell，andthen，fromoutacottageoppositethestation，boundedaninnocentandhappygoat，andgambolledaround。
Alongrope，oneendofwhichwasfastenedtohisneck，trailedbehindhim。Afterthegoat（inthedoublesenseofthephrase）cameachild。Thechildtriedtocatchthegoatbymeansoftherope，caughtitselfintheropeinstead，andwentdownwithabumpandascreech。Whereuponastoutwoman，theboy’smotherapparently，ranoutfromthecottage，andalsomadeforthegoat。Thegoatflewdowntheroad，andthewomanflewafterit。Atthefirstcorner，thewomantrodontherope，andthenSHEwentdownwithabumpandascreech。Thenthegoatturnedandranupthestreet，and，asitpassedthecottage，thefatherranoutandtriedtostopit。Hewasanoldman，butstillseemedtohaveplentyofvigourinhim。Heevidentlyguessedhowhiswifeandchildhadgonedown，andheendeavouredtoavoidtheropeandtoskipoveritwhenitcamenearhim。Butthegoat’smovementsweretooerraticforhim。Histurncame，andhetrodontherope，andwentdowninthemiddleoftheroad，oppositehisowndoor，withathudthatshookusallupagainsteachotheraswestoodlookingoutofthecarriage-window，andsatthereandcursedthegoat。Thenoutranadog，barkingfuriously，andhewentforthegoat，andgottheendoftheropeinhisteethandheldontoitlikegrimdeath。Awaywentthegoat，athisendoftherope，and，withhim，thedogattheotherend。
Betweenthem，theykepttheropeaboutsixinchesabovetheground，andwithittheyremorselesslymoweddowneverylivingthingtheycameacrossinthatoncepeacefulvillage。Inthecourseoflessthanhalfaminutewecountedfourteenpersonssittingdowninthemiddleoftheroad。Eightofthemwerecursingthegoat，fourwerecursingthedog，andtwoofthemwerecursingtheoldmanforkeepingthegoat，oneofthesetwo，andthemoreviolentone，beingtheman’sownwife。
Thetrainleftatthisjuncture。Weentreatedtherailwayofficialstoletusstopandseetheshowout。Theplaywasbecomingquiteinteresting。Itwassofullofmovement。Buttheysaidthatwewerehalf-an-hourlateasitwas，andthattheydarednot。
Weleanedoutofthewindow，andwatchedforaslongaswecould;
andafterthevillagewaslosttoviewinthedistance，wecouldstill，bylisteningcarefully，hearthethuds，asoneafteranotheroftheinhabitantssatdownandbegantoswear。
Atabouteleveno’clockwehadsomebeer——youcangenerallyobtainsuchlightrefreshmentasbottledbeerandcoffeeandrollsfromtheguardonathroughlong-distancetraininGermany——tookoffourboots，andsaying"Good-night"toeachother，madeagreatshowofgoingtosleep。Butweneversucceededingettingthere。Theywantedtoseeone’stickettoooftenforonetogetfairlyoff。
Everyfewminutes，soitseemedtome，thoughinrealitytheintervalsmayperhapshavebeenlonger，aghostlyfacewouldappearatthecarriage-window，andasktoseeourtickets。
WheneveraGermanrailway-guardfeelslonesome，anddoesnotknowwhatelsetodowithhimself，hetakesawalkroundthetrain，andgetsthepassengerstoshowhimtheirtickets，afterwhichhereturnstohisboxcheeredandrefreshed。Somepeopleraveaboutsunsetsandmountainsandoldmasters;buttotheGermanrailway-
guardtheworldcanshownothingmoresatisfying，moreinspiring，thanthesightofarailway-ticket。
NearlyalltheGermanrailwayofficialshavethissamecravingfortickets。Ifonlytheygetsomebodytoshowthemarailway-ticket，theyarehappy。Itseemedaharmlessweaknessoftheirs，andB。andIdecidedthatitwouldbeonlykindtohumourtheminitduringourstay。
Accordingly，wheneverwesawaGermanrailwayofficialstandingabout，lookingsadandweary，wewentuptohimandshowedhimourtickets。Thesightwaslikearayofsunshinetohim;andallhiscarewasimmediatelyforgotten。Ifwehadnotaticketwithusatthetime，wewentandboughtone。Ameresinglethirdtothenextstationwouldgladdenhimsufficientlyinmostcases;butifthepoorfellowappearedverywoe-begone，andasifhewantedmorethanordinarycheeringup，wegothimasecond-classreturn。
ForthepurposeofourjourneytoOber-Ammergauandback，weeachcarriedwithusafoliocontainingsometenortwelvefirst-classticketsbetweendifferenttowns，coveringinalladistanceofsomethousandmiles;andoneafternoon，atMunich，seeingarailwayofficial，acloak-roomkeeper，whotheytoldushadlatelylosthisaunt，andwholookedexceptionallydejected，IproposedtoB。thatweshouldtakethismanintoaquietcorner，andbothofusshowhimallourticketsatonce——thewholetwentyortwenty-fourofthem——
andlethimtaketheminhishandandlookatthemforaslongasheliked。Iwantedtocomforthim。
B。，however，advisedagainstthesuggestion。Hesaidthatevenifitdidnotturntheman’shead（anditwasmorethanprobablethatitwould），somuchjealousywouldbecreatedagainsthimamongtheotherrailwaypeoplethroughoutGermany，thathislifewouldbemadeamiserytohim。
Soweboughtandshowedhimafirst-classreturntothenextstationbutone;anditwasquitepathetictowatchthepoorfellow’sfacebrightenupatthesight，andtoseethefaintsmilecreepbacktothelipsfromwhichithadsolongbeenabsent。
Butattimes，onewishesthattheGermanrailwayofficialwouldcontrolhispassionfortickets——or，atleast，keepitwithinduebounds。
Eventhemostkindly-heartedmangrowstiredofshowinghisticketalldayandnightlong，andthemiddleofawearisomejourneyisnotthepropertimeforamantocometothecarriage-windowandclamourtoseeyour"billet。"
Youarewearyandsleepy。Youdonotknowwhereyourticketis。
Youarenotquitesurethatyouhavegotaticket;orifyoueverhadone，somebodyhastakenitawayfromyou。Youhaveputitbyverycarefully，thinkingthatitwouldnotbewantedforhours，andhaveforgottenwhere。
Thereareelevenpocketsinthesuityouhaveon，andfivemoreintheovercoatontherack。Maybe，itisinoneofthosepockets。Ifnot，itispossiblyinoneofthebags——somewhere，orinyourpocket-book，ifyouonlyknewwherethatwas，oryourpurse。
Youbeginasearch。Youstandupandshakeyourself。Thenyouhaveanotherfeelallover。Youlookroundinthecourseoftheproceedings;andthesightofthecrowdofcuriousfaceswatchingyou，andofthemaninuniformwaitingwithhiseyefixedseverelyuponyou，conveytoyou，inyourthenstateofconfusion，themomentaryideathatthisisapolice-courtscene，andthatiftheticketisfounduponyou，youwillprobablygetfiveyears。
Uponthisyouvehementlyprotestyourinnocence。
"ItellyouIhaven’tgotit！"youexclaim;——"neverseenthegentleman’sticket。Youletmego！I——"
Herethesurpriseofyourfellow-passengersrecallsyoutoyourself，andyouproceedonyourexploration。Youoverhaulthebags，turningeverythingoutontothefloor，mutteringcursesonthewholerailwaysystemofGermanyasyoudoso。Thenyoufeelinyourboots。Youmakeeverybodynearyoustanduptoseeiftheyaresittinguponit，andyougodownonyourkneesandgrovelforitundertheseat。
"Youdidn’tthrowitoutofthewindowwithyoursandwiches，didyou？"asksyourfriend。
"No！DoyouthinkI’mafool？"youanswer，irritably。"WhatshouldIwanttodothatfor？"
Ongoingsystematicallyoveryourselfforaboutthetwentiethtime，youdiscoveritinyourwaistcoatpocket，andforthenexthalf-houryousitandwonderhowyoucametomissitonthepreviousnineteenoccasions。
Meanwhile，duringthistryingscene，theconductoftheguardhascertainlynottendedtoallayyouranxietyandnervousness。Allthetimethatyouhavebeenlookingforyourticket，hehasbeendoingsillytricksonthestepoutside，imperillinghislifebyeverymeansthatexperienceandingenuitycansuggest。
Thetrainisgoingattherateofthirtymilesanhour，theexpressspeedinGermany，andabridgecomesinsightcrossingovertheline。Onseeingthisbridge，theguard，holdingonbythewindow，leanshisbodyasfarbackaseveritwillgo。Youlookathim，andthenattherapidly-nearingbridge，andcalculatethatthearchwilljusttakehisheadoffwithoutinjuringanyotherpartofhimwhatever，andyouwonderwhethertheheadwillbejerkedintothecarriageorwillfalloutside。
Whenheisthreeinchesoffthebridge，hepullshimselfupstraight，andthebrickwork，asthetraindashesthrough，killsaflythatwastrespassingontheupperpartofhisrightear。
Then，whenthebridgeispassed，andthetrainisskirtingtheveryedgeofaprecipice，sothatastonedroppedjustoutsidethewindowwouldtumblestraightdown300feet，hesuddenlyletsgo，and，balancinghimselfonthefoot-boardwithoutholdingontoanything，commencestodanceasortofTeutoniccellar-flap，andtowarmhisbodybyflinginghisarmsaboutinthemannerofcabmenonacoldday。
ThefirstessentialtocomfortablerailwaytravellinginGermanyistomakeupyourmindnottocarearapwhethertheguardgetskilledinthecourseofthejourneyornot。AnytenderfeelingtowardstheguardmakesrailwaytravellingintheFatherlandasimpletorture。
Atfivea。m。（howfairandsweetandfreshtheearthlooksintheearlymorning！Thoselazypeoplewholieinbedtilleightorninemisshalfthebeautyoftheday，iftheybutknewit。ItisonlywewhoriseearlythatreallyenjoyNatureproperly）Igaveuptryingtogettosleep，andmademywaytothedressing-roomattheendofthecar，andhadawash。
Itisdifficulttowashintheselittleplaces，becausethecarsshakeso;andwhenyouhavegotbothyourhandsandhalfyourheadinthebasin，andareunabletoprotectyourself，thesidesoftheroom，andthewater-tapandthesoap-dish，andothercowardlythings，takeameanadvantageofyourhelplessnesstopunchyouashardasevertheycan;andwhenyoubackawayfromthese，thedoorswingsopenandslapsyoufrombehind。
Isucceeded，however，ingettingmyselffairlywetallover，evenifIdidnothingelse，andthenIlookedaboutforatowel。Ofcourse，therewasnotowel。Thatisthetrick。Theideaoftherailwayauthoritiesistolurethepassenger，byprovidinghimwithsoapandwaterandabasin，intogettinghimselfthoroughlysoaked，andthentoletitdawnuponhimthatthereisnotowel。Thatistheirnotionoffun！
Ithoughtofthehandkerchiefsinmybag，buttogettothemI
shouldhavetopasscompartmentscontainingladies，andIwasonlyinearlymorningdress。
SoIhadtowipemyselfwithanewspaperwhichIhappenedtohaveinmypocket，andamoreunsatisfactorythingtodryoneselfuponI
cannotconceive。
IwokeupB。whenIgotbacktothecarriage，andpersuadedhimtogoandhaveawash;andinlisteningtothedistantsoundofhisremarkswhenhelikewisediscoveredthattherewasnotowel，therecollectionofmyowndiscomfiturepassedgentlyaway。
Ah！howtrueitis，asgoodpeopletellus，thatinthinkingofthesorrowsofothers，welearntoforgetourown！
ForfiftymilesbeforeonereachesMunich，thelandisflat，stale，andapparentlyveryunprofitable，andthereislittletointerestthelooker-out。Hesitsstraininghiseyestowardsthehorizon，eagerlylongingforsomesignofthecitytocomeinsight。
Itliesverylow，however，anddoesallitcantoescapeobservation;anditisnotuntilheisalmostwithinitsstreetsthathediscoversit。
THERESTOFSUNDAY，THE25TH
WeSeekBreakfast。——IAirMyGerman。——TheArtofGesture。——TheIntelligenceofthePremiereDanseuse。——PerformanceofEnglishPantomimeinthePyrenees。——SadResultTherefrom。——The"GermanConversation"Book。——ItsNarrow-mindedViewofHumanWantsandAspirations。——SundayinMunich。——HansandGretchen。——HighLifev。
LowLife。——"ABeer-Cellar。"
AtMunichweleftourluggageatthestation，andwentinsearchofbreakfast。Ofcourse，ateighto’clockinthemorningnoneofthebigcafeswereopen;butatlength，besidesomegardens，wefoundanold-fashionedlookingrestaurant，fromwhichcameapleasantodourofcoffeeandhotonions;andwalkingthroughandseatingourselvesatoneofthelittletables，placedoutunderthetrees，wetookthebilloffareinourhands，andsummonedthewaitertoourside。
Iorderedthebreakfast。IthoughtitwouldbeagoodopportunityformetotrymyGerman。Iorderedcoffeeandrollsasagroundwork。Igotoverthatpartofmytaskveryeasily。WiththepracticeIhadhadduringthelasttwodays，Icouldhaveorderedcoffeeandrollsforforty。ThenIforagedroundforluxuries，andorderedagreensalad。IhadsomedifficultyatfirstinconvincingthemanthatitwasnotaboiledcabbagethatIwanted，butsucceededeventuallyingettingthatsillynotionoutofhishead。
IstillhadalittleGermanleft，evenafterthat。SoIorderedanomelettealso。
"Tellhimasavouryone，"saidB。，"orhewillbebringingussomethingfullofhotjamandchocolate-creams。Youknowtheirstyle。"
"Oh，yes，"Ianswered。"Ofcourse。Yes。Letmesee。WhatistheGermanforsavoury？"
"Savoury？"musedB。"Oh！ah！hum！BotheredifIknow！Confoundthething——Ican’tthinkofit！"
Icouldnotthinkofiteither。Asamatteroffact，Ineverknewit。WetriedthemanwithFrench。Wesaid：
"Uneomeletteauxfinesherbes。"
Ashedidnotappeartounderstandthat，wegaveithiminbadEnglish。Wetwistedandturnedtheunfortunateword"savoury"intosoundssoquaint，sosad，sounearthly，thatyouwouldhavethoughttheymighthavetouchedtheheartofasavage。ThisstoicalTeuton，however，remainedunmoved。Thenwetriedpantomime。
Pantomimeistolanguagewhatmarmalade，accordingtothelabelonthepot，istobutter，"anexcellent（occasional）substitute。"Butitspowersasaninterpreterofthoughtarelimited。Atleast，inreallifetheyareso。Asregardsaballet，itisdifficulttosaywhatisnotexplainablebypantomime。Ihaveseenthebadmaninaballetconveytothepremieredanseusebyasubtlemovementoftheleftleg，togetherwithsomeslightassistancefromthedrum，theheartrendingintelligencethattheladyshehadbeenbroughtuptobelievewashermotherwasinrealityonlyherauntbymarriage。
Butthenitmustbeborneinmindthatthepremieredanseuseisaladywhosequicknessofperceptionisaltogetherunique。Thepremieredanseuseknowspreciselywhatagentlemanmeanswhenhetwirlsroundforty-seventimesononeleg，andthenstandsonhishead。Theaverageforeignerwould，inallprobability，completelymisunderstandtheman。
Afriendofmineonce，duringatourinthePyrenees，triedtoexpressgratitudebymeansofpantomime。Hearrivedlateoneeveningatalittlemountaininn，wherethepeoplemadehimverywelcome，andsetbeforehimtheirbest;andhe，beinghungry，appreciatedtheirkindness，andateamostexcellentsupper。
Indeed，soexcellentamealdidhemake，andsokindandattentivewerehishoststohim，that，aftersupper，hefelthewantedtothankthem，andtoconveytothemsomeideaofhowpleasedandsatisfiedhewas。
Hecouldnotexplainhimselfinlanguage。HeonlyknewenoughSpanishtojustaskforwhathewanted——andeventodothathehadtobecarefulnottowantmuch。Hehadnotgotasfarassentimentandemotionatthattime。Accordinglyhestartedtoexpresshimselfinaction。Hestoodupandpointedtotheemptytablewherethesupperhadbeen，thenopenedhismouthandpointeddownhisthroat。
Thenhepattedthatregionofhisanatomywhere，soscientificpeopletellus，suppergoesto，andsmiled。
Hehasarathercurioussmile，hasmyfriend。Hehimselfisundertheimpressionthatthereissomethingverywinninginit，though，also，asheadmits，atouchofsadness。Theyuseitinhisfamilyforkeepingthechildreninorder。
Thepeopleoftheinnseemedratherastonishedathisbehaviour。
Theyregardedhim，withtroubledlooks，andthengatheredtogetheramongthemselvesandconsultedinwhispers。
"Ievidentlyhavenotmademyselfsufficientlycleartothesesimplepeasants，"saidmyfriendtohimself。"Imustputmorevigourintothisshow。"
AccordinglyherubbedandpattedthatpartofhimselftowhichI
havepreviouslyalluded——andwhich，beingamodestandproperlybrought-upyoungman，nothingonearthshallinducemetomentionmoreexplicitly——withgreaterenergythanever，andaddedanotherinchortwoofsmile;andhealsomadevariousgracefulmovementsindicative，ashethought，offriendlyfeelingandcontentment。
Atlengtharayofintelligenceburstuponthefacesofhishosts，andtheyrushedtoacupboardandbroughtoutasmallblackbottle。
"Ah！that’sdoneit，"thoughtmyfriend。"Nowtheyhavegraspedmymeaning。AndtheyarepleasedthatIampleased，andaregoingtoinsistonmydrinkingafinalfriendlybumperofwinewiththem，thegoodoldsouls！"
Theybroughtthebottleover，andpouredoutawineglassful，andhandedittohim，makingsignsthatheshoulddrinkitoffquickly。
"Ah！"saidmyfriendtohimself，ashetooktheglassandraisedittothelight，andwinkedatitwickedly，"thisissomerareoldspiritpeculiartothedistrict——someoldheirloomkeptspeciallyforthefavouredguest。"
Andheheldtheglassaloftandmadeaspeech，inwhichhewishedlonglifeandmanygrand-childrentotheoldcouple，andahandsomehusbandtothedaughter，andprosperitytothewholevillage。Theycouldnotunderstandhim，heknew;buthethoughttheremightbethatinhistonesandgesturesfromwhichtheywouldgatherthesenseofwhathewassaying，andunderstandhowkindlyhefelttowardsthemall。Whenhehadfinished，heputhishanduponhisheartandsmiledsomemore，andthentossedtheliquoroffatagulp。