HewasparticularlyfondofAnnieColborn,whosefatherwasamagistrateandagoldcommissioner,andapersonofverygreatimportance。WhetherornotKingBillywaswiseinhisgeneration,andoutoftheunwrittenScripturesofthesomberbushhadculledamaximinculcatingthewisdomofmakingfriendsofthesonsofMammon,I
cannotsay,buthewasalwaysgoodtoAnnie。Formyownpart,Idonotbelievethesimple-heartedoldkinghadanysuchnotioninsidehisthickantipodeanskull。Hewasgoodbecausehewasnotbad,whichistheverybestmoralityafterall,andagreatadvanceonmuchwehearof。And,besides,hewassometimeshungry,andMr。Colborn’sChinesecookwasveryhaughty,andnottobeapproachedexceptthroughanintermediary。AndwhosocapableofconciliatingWongasAnnie?Wongwouldmakehercakesevenwhenhispigtailhungdespondentlyfromhisachingheadafteranopiumdebauch,andhischeekswereshiningwithanythingbutgladness;forifyougetdrunkveryoftenonopiumyoushine。
OldBillywasmostlytobefoundwheretherewasachanceofadrink;
butifthefountainsweredriedup,orhehadbeeninsultedbysomedemocratic,revolutionary,king-hatingminerknockinghishighhatdownoverhiseyes,heusuallywentuptoMr。Colborn’splace,andsatonthefence,oronalogoutsidethegate。SohewasoftenverymelancholywhenAnniecameout。Onedayhishatwasvery,verybadlybulgedindeed。
"Yourhatisverybadto-day,KingBilly,"saidsix-year-oldAnnie,asshestoodinfrontofhimcritically,withherheadononeside。
Withoutknowingit,thechildhadcometolookuponthestateofthepoorking’shatasemblematicalofhisstateofmind。Whenitshutuplikeaclosedconcertinahisbarometerwaslow。
"Yes,missy,"saidtheking;"whitemanknock’umovereyes,and"——
witharubdownhisface——"skin’umnose。"
Sheinspectedhisnosecarefully——thoughfromacertaindistance,becauseherownnosewasverygood,bothinsideandout,andsheknewthekingnevergotwashedunlessitrainedwhenhewasverydrunk。Andthiswastheendofsummer。IthadnotrainedsinceNovember。
"Thereisnotverymuchskinoff,"saidAnnie。"Youhadbetterwashit。"
Thekingmadeawryfaceandchangedtheconversation。
"Yougot’umhat,MissyAnnie?Onehatbaalbrokum,allasamewhitefellowhat。Badhat,KingBillybad;blackfellow,whitefellowlaugh。"
Hepeeredintohishat,and,tryingtostraightenitout,puthisfistthroughtheside。PoorBillylookedasifhecouldcry。
"Youstopaminute,"saidAnnie,and,flyingindoors,shebroughtoutaverygoodhighhatindeed。"Budgeree!"thoughttheking,thatwasagoodhat。Hecouldgodownthestreetslikeakingindeed,abletoholduphisheadwithanyrichmaninBallarat。Hetriediton,andthoughitwasmuchtoobig,heknewitshone。Andthegloryofahatisinitsshiningasmuchasitsshape;evenablackfellowknowsthat。
Butthathatverynearlyledtoserioustrouble。Foronething,Mr。
Colbornmissedit;andneverthinkingAnniehadgivenitaway,whenhesawthekingsittingonthefencedecoratedwithit,hestoppedandinterviewedhim。
"Wheredidyougetthathat,youoldthief?"askedthemagistrate,withoutanypolitenesstohimwhoruledthelandbeforewhitemenbrokeintothecountry。Someinauthorityarepolitetothosetheydispossess;thePrussians,forinstance,tothemiserableKingBillyswhostrutabouttheempire。ButtheAnglo-Saxononlyrespectshimself,andeventhattoalimitedextent,innewconquests。
ThequestiontroubledKingBillygreatly。HedidnotknowthatMr。
ColbornwouldassoonhavethoughtofmurderingAnnieasofbullyingher;soheliedpromptly:"Mebuy’um,MistahCobon!"
Mr。Colborntookitoffofhishead,andsawthatitwashis,ashehadthought。WhathewouldhavesaidIdonotknow,forjustthenheheardavoicebehindhim:
"Papa,itismyfault;IgaveittoKingBilly。"
Colbornturnedroundandtookherup,lettingfallthehatashedidso。Billymadeajump,pickeditup,and,inhisagitation,brusheditcarefullythewrongway。
"Mydear,ifyougaveittohimit’sallright。Butwhydidn’ttheoldfooltellme?"
"He’snotanoldfool,papa,andyoumustnotsayso。He’sagoodman,andIthinkhethoughtyouwouldbeangrywithme。Didn’tyou,KingBilly?"Andtheking,withasmileofconsciousrectitude,admitteditwasso。
Mr。Colborngavehimsixpence;andhegaveAnnieagreatmanykisses,declaring,withuncommonthoughtlessness,thatwhatevershedidwasright,andthatshecouldgivethekingallhishouse,andAustraliatoboot。WhereonKingBillysmiledasmilethatwasportentous,andshowedhisteethtotheuttermostrecessesofhisamplemouth。Lookingdown,hesurveyedtherestofhisclothes,whichinpartsresembledthechild’sdefinitionofanetasalotofholestiedtogetherwithstring,and,lookingup,heinspectedMr。Colbornasifestimatingtheresourcesofhiswardrobe。Butbeingurgentlysmittenwiththenecessityofgettingridofhissixpence,heshambledoffintothetown。Othermattersmightwait;thatadmittedofnodelay。
ThemindofKingBillywasnotabigmind;itwouldnomorehavetakeninanabstractideathanhis/gunyah/wouldhaveaccommodatedagrandpiano。Hewasassimpleassunlight,andtoresolvehisintellectintosevencolourswouldwantthemostingeniousspectroscope。Buthecouldmakeaninferencefromapositivefact,and,havingmadeit,hedidnotallowmoreremotedeductionstotroublehislegitimateconclusion。
HeceasedtofearMr。Colborn,andbegantolookuponthemagistrate’spropertyasifitwereatleasthalfhisown。Sohegotverydrunkonthehospitalityofanewchumminerwhohadbeensuccessful,andpresently,presumingonhisnewpossessions,gotintoafightwithhisentertainerandadisrespectfulsubkingofhisownblacks,andwasreducedtoworseragsthanever。
Nextmorninghesatoutsidethemagistrate’shouse,onthelowestloghecouldfind,andwhenMr。Colborncameouthetackledhimwiththeairofasubjectkingdemandingredressofhissuzerain。
"Well,Billy,whatisit?"askedthesuzerain。
"Youbelonggublement?"saidBillytheking,withaquestion,animplieddoubt,andagreatcomplaintinhisvoice。Colbornlaughed。
"Why,yes,Billy;Ibelongtothegovernment,Isuppose。"
"Then,"saidBilly,"whatyousaytowhitefellowmake’umblackfellowdrunk,knock’umallabout?Callyouthatgublement?"Andheshowedhiskinglyrobe,whichhadoncebeenafrock-coat,withgreatdisgust。
However,hemetwithnofavour,andwastoldthatheshouldnotgetdrunk——thatitservedhimright;withwhichmagisterialdecisionColborngotonhishorseandrodeofftotheflat。
Thekingsatdownsadlyandconsideredthicklyinhisslowbrain。
Anniedidnotcomeout,andheknewbetterthantoaskforher,forMr。Colborn’sniece,whokepthouseforhim,wasbutnewlycomefromhome,andthoughtallblackfellowscongenitalmurderers,whichindeedtheyareinsomepartsofthenorth。SoBillysatandwaited,forhewantedanewcoat。Howcouldheberespectedinonewhosenaturaldivisionswereunnaturallyextendedtotheveryneck?Itwasobviouslynecessarytogetanewgarmentatonce,andthebestchanceofagoodonelayinlittleAnnie’skindness。Butinordertoobviatetheslightestchanceofhisgirlpatron’srefusing,hemustbringhersomeoffering。Hewentoffintothebushatthebackofthetown,and,comingtowherethreeorfourblackfellowswerecamped,hesatdownandtalkedwiththem。Inspiteoftheheat,awretchedoldgin,muffledupinheronegarment,araggedblanket,heldherhandsoverthefewburningstickswhichrepresentanAustraliannative’sideaofafire。PresentlyKingBillyrose,and,takingatomahawk,wentfartherintothebush。Helookedabout,andatlastcametoatree,whichheclimbednativefashion,firstdiscardinghisclothes。Whennearthefirstbigbrancheshecametoahole,and,puttinginhishand,heextractedalivelyyoungpossumbythetail。
NextmorninghewassittingontheColborns’fenceasusual。Athisfeetwasalittleboxwithtwoorthreeslatsnailedroughlyacrossit。Insidewasthepossum。KingBillywonderedwhatkindofacoathecouldget。Helikedafrock-coat;therewassomethingmajesticaboutit,somethingfineandample。Commonmorningcoatswouldnotdo;noonewouldinsultakingbyofferinghimtweed;evenlittleAnnieknewbetterthanthat,especiallyifhegaveheralivepossumhehadcaughthimself。AndwhenAnniedidcomeout,shewasintheseventhheavenofdelightwiththepossum,andreadytobestowanythingintheworldonKingBilly。
"YougivepoorBillyonefellowcoat,missy,andhegodownalongstreetlikeaking。"
Annieflewintothehouseandseizedthefirstgarmentshelaidherlittlehandson。Itwasherfather’sdress-coat。Sherolleditup,and,runningout,thrustitexcitedlyintotheking’sblackpaw。Ashewentoff,shecarriedthepossumindoors,andwasdeliriouslyhappyforhours。
KingBillyhurriedintothebushtillhecametoawater-hole,and,strippingoffhisrags,heheldupthecoat。Hisjawfell;therewasaremarkableexiguityaboutthecoatwhichwasinexplicable。Hehadneverobservedsuchinhislife。Heputiton,and,bendingoverthesurfaceofthestillpool,tookagoodlookatthegeneraleffect。Itwasnotbadfromsomepointsofview,butBillyhadhisdoubtsastowhetherhewouldbereceivedwiththerespectduetohistitleifhewentintoBallaratclothedthus。Hetriedtobuttonit,butdiscoveredthat,ifithadeverbeenintendedforbuttoning,hecouldnotgetittomeetacrosshischest。Hepickeduphisdiscardedfrock-coat,whichwasheldtogetherbythecollar;thenhefeltthestuffofwhichthedress-coatwasmade,andthematerialpleasedhim。"Oh,why,"askedBilly,"haditnotbeenmadewithfronttails?"Hesawatlastthatthiscoatandhishighhatalonewereinsufficientforcivilisation。
Forfulldressinacorroboreeitmightdo。Unconsciously,hewassowroughtuponbythepurposeforwhichthecoathadbeenbuiltthathedeterminedtoreserveitforpartiesintheseclusionofthebush,whereanymerrimentcouldberightlycheckedbyacrackfromhiswaddy。Heplanteditcarefullyinahollowlog,and,havinginsertedhimselfwithasmuchcareintohisdiscardedrags,hewonderedoffintothetown。Hegotveryintoxicatedthatnight,anddeterminedtohaveapartyallbyhimself。
Nowitmayseemveryannoying,andIconfessIfinditsomyself;but,havinggotsofar,Idon’tseemywaytotelltherest,evenifAnnieColborntoldmethestoryherself。Forafterherfather’sdeathshemarriedamanwhohadasmallsheep-stationandahotelnotfortymilesfromCarabobla,inNewSouthWales。IstayedthereacoupleofdayswhenIwasgoingnorthtotheMurrumbidgee。Butthoughshetoldme,Icannottellitagain,atleastnotinbold,badprint。Still,itwilloccurtomostthatamanofKingBilly’ssweetandinnocentdispositionmightverylikelycreateasensation,whenhisnaturaldiscretionwasdrownedinbadwhisky,ifheendedhissolitarycorroboreeinthemoonlightbygoinguptoColborn’shouseinordertodeliveraspeechofgratitudethroughtheFrenchwindows。
SoColbornandthekinghadacorroboreealltothemselvesintheopenspacebeforethehouse,whilethegoldcommissioner’sguestsroaredwithlaughtertofindoutwherethemissingdress-coatwas。NextdayKingBillyresumedthesplitfrock-coat。
THYHEART’SDESIRE
BY
NETTASYRETT
Thetentswerepitchedinthelittleplainsurroundedbyhills。Rightandlefttherewerestretchesoftender,vividgreenwheretheyoungcornwasspringing;fartherstill,oneitherhand,theplainwasyellowwithmustard-flower;butintheimmediateforegrounditwasbareandstony。Afewthornybushespushedtheirstragglingwaythroughthedrysoil,ineffectivelyasfarasthegraceofthelandscapewasconcerned,fortheymerelyservedtoemphasisethebarrenaridnessofthelandthatstretchedbeforethetents,slopinggraduallytothedistanthills。
Thehillswereuninterestingenoughinthemselves;theyhadnograndeurofoutline,nopicturesquenesseven,thoughatmorningandeveningthesun,likeagreatmagician,clothedthemwithbeautyatatouch。
Theyhadbeguntochange,tosoften,toblushroseredintheeveninglight,whenawomancametotheentranceofthelargestofthetentsandlookedtowardthem。Sheleanedagainstthesupportononesideofthecanvasflap,and,puttingbackherhead,restedthat,too,againstit,whilehereyeswanderedovertheplainandoverthedistanthills。
Shewasbareheaded,forthecoveringofthetentprojectedafewfeettoformanawningoverhead。Thegentlebreezewhichhadrisenwithsundownstirredthesoftbrowntendrilsofhaironhertemples,andflutteredherpinkcottongownalittle。Shestoodverystill,withherarmshangingandherhandsclaspedlooselyinfrontofher。Therewasaboutherwholeattitudeanairofstudiedquietwhichinsomevaguefashiontheslightclaspofherhandsaccentuated。Herface,withitstightly,almostrigidlyclosedlips,wouldhavebeenquiteinkeepingwiththeimpressionofconsciouscalmwhichherentirepresencesuggested,haditnotbeenthatwhensheraisedhereyesastrangecontradictiontothisideawasafforded。Theywerelargegrayeyes,unusuallybrightandratherstartlingineffect,fortheyseemedtheonlylivethingabouther。Gleamingfromherstill,setface,therewassomethingalmostalarmingintheirbrilliancy。Theysoftenedwithasuddenglowofpleasureastheyrestedonthetranslucentgreenofthewheat-fieldsunderthebroadgeneroussunlight,andthenwanderedtowherethepurevividyellowofthemustard-flowerspreadinwavestothebaseofthehills,nowmysticallyveiledinradiance。
Shestoodmotionless,watchingtheirmelting,elusivechangesfrompalpitatingrosetothetransparentpurpleofamethyst。Thestillnessofeveningwasbrokenbythemonotonous,notunmusicalcreakingofaPersianwheelatsomelittledistancetotheleftofthetent。Thewellstoodinalittlegroveoftrees;betweentheirbranchesshecouldsee,whensheturnedherhead,thecolouredsarisofthevillagewomen,wheretheystoodingroupschatteringastheydrewthewater,andthelittlenakedbrownbabiesthattoddledbesidethemorsprawledonthehardgroundbeneaththetrees。Fromthevillageofflat-roofedmudhousesunderthelowhillatthebackofthetents,otherwomenwerecrossingtheplaintowardthewell,theirterra-cottawater-jarspoisedeasilyontheirheads,castinglongshadowsonthesun-bakedgroundastheycame。
Presently,inthedistance,fromthedirectionofthesunlithillsoppositealittlegroupofmencameintosight。Faroff,themustard-
colouredjacketsandtheredturbansoftheorderliesmadevividsplashesofcolouronthedullplain。Astheycamenearer,thegunsslungacrosstheirshoulders,thecasesofmathematicalinstruments,thehammers,andotherheavybaggagetheycarriedforthesahib,becamevisible。Alittleinfront,atwalkingpacerodethesahibhimself,makingnotesashecameinabookheheldbeforehim。Thegirlatthetententrancewatchedtheadvanceofthelittlecompanyindifferently,itseemed;exceptforaslighttighteningofthemusclesabouthermouth,herfaceremainedunchanged。Whilehewasstillsomelittledistanceaway,themanwiththenotebookraisedhisheadandsmiledawkwardlyashesawherstandingthere。Awkwardness,perhaps,bestdescribesthewholeman。Hewasbadlyputtogether,loose-jointed,ungainly。Thefactthathewastallprofitedhimnothing,foritmerelyemphasisedtheextremeungracefulnessofhisfigure。Hislongpalefacewasmadepalerbytheshockofcoarse,tow-
colouredhair;hiseyes,even,lookedcolourless,thoughtheywerecertainlytheleastuninterestingfeatureofhisface,fortheywerenotdevoidofexpression。Hehadawayofslouchingwhenhemovedthatsingularlyintensifiedthegeneraluncouthnessofhisappearance。"Areyouverytired?"askedhiswife,gently,whenhehaddismountedclosetothetent。Thequestionwouldhavebeenanunnecessaryonehaditbeenputtoherinsteadoftoherhusband,forhervoicehadthatpeculiarflattonelesssoundforwhichextremewearinessisanswerable。
"Well,no,mydear,notvery,"hereplied,drawlingoutthewordswithanexasperatingairofdeliveringafinalverdict,afterdeepreflectiononthesubject。
Thegirlglancedoncemoreatthefadingcoloursonthehills。"Comeinandrest,"shesaid,movingasidealittletolethimpass。
Shestoodlingeringamomentafterhehadenteredthetent,asthoughunwillingtoleavetheouterair;andbeforesheturnedtofollowhimshedrewadeepbreath,andherhandwentforoneswiftsecondtoherthroatasthoughshefeltstifled。
Lateronthateveningshesatinhertent,sewingbythelightofthelampthatstoodonherlittletable。
Oppositetoher,herhusbandstretchedhisungainlylengthinadeck-
chair,andturnedoverapileofofficialnotes。Everynowandthenhereyeswanderedfromthegaysilksofthetable-covershewasembroideringtothecanvaswallswhichboundedthenarrowspaceintowhichtheirfewhouseholdgoodswerecrowded。Outsidetherewasadeephush。Thesilenceofthevastemptyplainseemedtoworkitswayslowly,steadilyintowardthelittlepatchoflightsetinitsmidst。
Thegirlfeltitineverynerve;itwasasthoughsomesoft-footed,noiseless,shapelesscreature,whosepresencesheonlydimlydivined,wasapproachingnearer——/nearer/。Theheavyouterstillnesswasinsomewaymademoreterrifyingbytherustleofthepapersherhusbandwasreading,bythecreakingofhischairashemoved,andbythelittlefidgetinggruntsandhalf-exclamationswhichfromtimetotimebrokefromhim。Hiswife’shandshookateveryunintelligiblemutterfromhim,andtheslighthabitualcontractionbetweenhereyesdeepened。
Allatonceshethrewherworkdownontothetable。"Forheaven’ssake——/please/,John,/talk/!"shecried。Hereyes,forthemoment’sspaceinwhichtheymetthestartledonesofherhusband,hadawild,huntedlook,butitwasgonealmostbeforehisslowbrainhadtimetonotethatithadbeenthere——andwasvaguelydisturbing。Shelaughedalittleunsteadily。
"DidIstartleyou?I’msorry。I"——shelaughedagain——"IbelieveI’malittlenervous。Whenoneisalldayalone——"Shepausedwithoutfinishingthesentence。Theman’sfacechangedsuddenly。Awaveoftendernesssweptoverit,andatthesametimeanexpressionofhalf-
incredulousdelightshoneinhispaleeyes。
"Poorlittlegirl,areyoureallylonely?"hesaid。Eventherealfeelinginhistonefailedtorobhisvoiceofitspeculiarlyirritatinggratingquality。Heroseawkwardly,andmovedtohiswife’sside。
Involuntarilysheshrankalittle,andthehandwhichhehadstretchedouttotouchherhairsanktohisside。Sherecoveredherselfimmediately,andturnedherfaceuptohis,thoughshedidnotraisehereyes;buthedidnotkissher。Instead,hestoodinanembarrassedfashionamomentbyherside,andthenwentbacktohisseat。
Therewassilenceagainforsometime。Themanlaybackinhischair,gazingathisbig,clumsyshoesasthoughhehopedforsomeinspirationfromthatquarter,whilehiswifeworkedwithnervoushaste。
"Don’tletmekeepyoufromreading,John,"shesaid,andhervoicehadregaineditsusualgentletone。
"No,mydear;I’mjustthinkingofsomethingtosaytoyou,butI
don’tseem——"
Shesmiledalittle。Inspiteofherself,herlipcurledfaintly。
"Don’tworryaboutit;itwasstupidofmetoexpectit。Imean——"sheadded,hastily,immediatelyrepentingthesarcasm。Sheglancedfurtivelyathim,buthisfacewasquiteunmoved;evidentlyhehadnotnoticedit,andshesmiledfaintlyagain。
"OKathie,Iknewtherewas/something/I’dforgottentotellyou,mydear;there’samancomingdownhere。Idon’tknowwhether——"
Shelookedupsharply。"Amancoming/here/?Whatfor?"sheinterrupted,breathlessly。
"Senttohelpmeaboutthisoil-boringbusiness,mydear。"
Hehadlightedhispipe,andwassmokingplacidly,takinglongwhiffsbetweenhiswords。
"Well?"impatientlyquestionedhiswife,fixingherbrighteyesonhisface。
"Well——that’sall,mydear。"
Shecheckedanexclamation。"Butdon’tyouknowanythingabouthim——
hisname?wherehecomesfrom?whatheislike?"Shewasleaningforwardagainstthetable,herneedle,withalongendofyellowsilkdrawnhalf-waythroughherwork,heldinherupraisedhand,herwholeattitudeoneofquiveringexcitementandexpectancy。
Themantookhispipefromhismouthdeliberately,withalookofslowwonder。
"Why,Kathie,youseemquiteanxious。Ididn’tknowyou’dbesointerested,mydear。Well,"——anotherlongpullathispipe,——"hisname’sBrook——/Brookfield/,Ithink。"Hepausedagain。"Thispipedoesn’tdrawwellabit;there’ssomethingwrongwithit,Ishouldn’twonder,"headded,takingitoutandexaminingthebowlasthoughstruckwiththebrillianceoftheidea。
Thewomanoppositeputdownherworkandclinchedherhandsunderthetable。
"Goon,John,"shesaid,presently,inatense,vibratingvoice;"hisnameisBrookfield。Well,wheredoeshecomefrom?"
"Straightfromhome,mydear,Ibelieve。"Hefumbledinhispocket,andaftersometimeextricatedapencil,withwhichhebegantopokethetobaccointhebowlinanineffectualaimlessfashion,becomingcompletelyengrossedintheoccupationapparently。Therewasanotherlongpause。Thewomanwentonworking,orfeigningtowork,forherhandsweretremblingagooddeal。
Aftersomemomentssheraisedherheadagain。"John,willyoumindattendingtomeonemoment,andansweringthesequestionsasquicklyasyoucan?"Theemphasisonthelastwordwassofaintastobealmostasimperceptibleasthetouchofexasperatedcontemptwhichshecouldnotabsolutelybanishfromhertone。
Herhusband,lookingup,metherclearbrightgaze,andreddenedlikeaschool-boy。
"Whereabouts’/fromhome/’doeshecome?"sheasked,inastudiedlygentlefashion。
"Well,fromLondon,Ithink,"hereplied,almostbrisklyforhim,thoughhestammeredandtrippedoverthewords。"He’sauniversitychap;Iusedtohearhewasclever;Idon’tknowaboutthat,I’msure;
heusedtochaffme,Iremember,but——"
"Chaff/you/?Youhavemethimthen?"
"Yes,mydear,"——hewasfastrelapsingintohisslowdrawlagain,——
"thatis,Iwenttoschoolwithhim;butit’salongtimeago。
Brookfield——yes,thatmustbehisname。"
Shewaitedamoment;then,"Whenishecoming?"sheinquired,abruptly。
"Letmesee——to-day’s——"
"/Monday/;"thewordcameswiftlybetweenhersetteeth。
"Ah,yes——Monday;well,"reflectively,"/next/Monday,mydear。"
Mrs。Draytonrose,andbegantopacesoftlythenarrowpassagebetweenthetableandthetentwall,herhandsclaspedlooselybehindher。
"Howlonghaveyouknownthis?"shesaid,stoppingabruptly。"OJohn,you/needn’t/consider;it’squiteasimplequestion。To-day?
Yesterday?
Herfootmovedrestlesslyonthegroundasshewaited。
"Ithinkitwasthedaybeforeyesterday,"hereplied。
"Thenwhy,inheaven’sname,didn’tyoutellmebefore?"shebrokeout,fiercely。
"Mydear,itslippedmymemory。IfI’dthoughtyouwouldbeinterested——"
"Interested!"Shelaughedshortly。"It/is/ratherinterestingtohearthataftersixmonthsofthis"——shemadeaquickcomprehensivegesturewithherhand——"onewillhavesomeonetospeakto——someone。ItisthehandofProvidence;itcomesjustintimetosavemefrom——"Shecheckedherselfabruptly。
Hesatstaringupatherstupidly,withoutaword。
"It’sallright,John,"shesaid,withaquickchangeoftone,gatheringupherworkquietlyasshespoke。"I’mnotmad——yet。You——
youmustgetusedtotheselittleoutbreaks,"sheadded,afteramoment,smilingfaintly;"and,todomejustice,Idon’t/often/
troubleyouwiththem,doI?I’mjustalittletired,orit’stheheator——something。No——don’ttouchme!"shecried,shrinkingback;forhehadrisenslowlyandwascomingtowardher。
Shehadlostcommandoverhervoice,andtheshrillnoteofhorrorinitwasunmistakable。Themanheardit,andshrankinhisturn。
"I’msosorry,John,"shemurmured,raisinghergreatbrighteyestohisface。Theyhadnotlosttheirgoadedexpression,thoughtheywerefulloftears。"I’mawfullysorry;butI’mjustnervousandstupid,andIcan’tbear/anyone/totouchmewhenI’mnervous。"
"Here’sBroomhurst,mydear!Imadeamistakeinhisnameafterall,I
find。Itoldyou/Brookfield/,Ibelieve,didn’tI?Well,itisn’tBrookfield,hesays;it’sBroomhurst。"
Mrs。Draytonhadwalkedsomelittledistanceacrosstheplaintomeetandwelcometheexpectedguest。Shestoodquietlywaitingwhileherhusbandstammeredoverhisincoherentsentences,andthenputoutherhand。
"Weareverygladtoseeyou,"shesaid,withaquickglanceatthenew-comer’sfaceasshespoke。
Astheywalkedtogethertowardthetent,afterthefirstgreetings,shefelthiskeeneyesuponherbeforeheturnedtoherhusband。
"I’mafraidMrs。Draytonfindstheclimatetrying?"heasked。"Perhapssheoughtnottohavecomesofarinthisheat?"
"Kathieisoftenpale。You/do/lookwhiteto-day,mydear,"heobserved,turninganxiouslytowardhiswife。
"DoI?"shereplied。Theunsteadinessofhertonewashardlyappreciable,butitwasnotlostonBroomhurst’squickears。"Oh,I
don’tthinkso。I/feel/verywell。"
"I’llcomeandseeifthey’vefixedyouupallright,"saidDrayton,followinghiscompaniontowardthenewtentthathadbeenpitchedatsomelittledistancefromthelargeone。
"Weshallseeyouatdinnerthen?"Mrs。DraytonobservedinreplytoBroomhurst’ssmileastheyparted。
Sheenteredthetentslowly,and,movinguptothetablealreadylaidfordinner,begantorearrangethethingsuponitinapurposeless,mechanicalfashion。
Afteramomentshesankdownuponaseatoppositetheopenentrance,andputherhandtoherhead。
"Whatisthematterwithme?"shethought,wearily。"AlltheweekI’vebeenlookingforwardtoseeingthisman——/any/man,/anyone/totakeofftheedgeofthis。"Sheshuddered。Eveninthoughtshehesitatedtoanalysethefeelingthatpossessedher。"Well,he’shere,andIthinkIfeel/worse/。"Hereyestravelledtowardthehillsshehadbeenusedtowatchatthishour,andrestedonthemwithavague,unseeinggaze。
"TiredKathie?Apennyforyourthoughts,mydear,"saidherhusband,cominginpresentlytofindherstillsittingthere。
"I’mthinkingwhatacuriousworldthisis,andwhatanironicalveinofhumourthegodswholookafteritmustpossess,"shereplied,withamirthlesslaugh,risingasshespoke。
Johnlookedpuzzled。
"FunnymyhavingknownBroomhurstbefore,youmean?"hesaiddoubtfully。
"IwasfishingdownatLynmouththistimelastyear,"Broomhurstsaidatdinner。"YouknowLynmouth,Mrs。Drayton?Doyouneverimagineyouhearthegurglingofthestream?Iamtantalisedalreadybythesoundofitrushingthroughthebeautifulgreengloomofthosewoods——
/aren’t/theylovely?And/I/haven’tbeeninthisburnt-upspotasmanyhoursasyou’vehadmonthsofit。"
Shesmiledalittle。
"Youmustlearntopossessyoursoulinpatience,"shesaid,andglancedinconsequentlyfromBroomhursttoherhusband,andthendroppedhereyesandwassilentamoment。
Johnwasobviously,andalittleaudibly,enjoyinghisdinner。Hesatwithhischairpushedclosetothetable,andhiselbowsawkwardlyraised,swallowinghissoupingulps。Hegraspedhisspoontightlyinhisbonyhand,sothatitsswollenjointsstoodoutlargeranduglierthanever,hiswifethought。
HereyeswanderedtoBroomhurst’shands。Theywerewellshaped,and,thoughnotsmall,therewasalookofrefinementaboutthem;hehadawayoftouchingthingsdelicately,alittlelingeringly,shenoticed。
Therewasanairofdistinctionabouthisclear-cut,clean-shavenface,possiblyintensifiedbycontrastwithDrayton’sblurredfeatures;anditwas,perhaps,alsobycontrastwiththegraycuffsthatshowedbeneathJohn’sill-cutdrabsuitthatthelinenBroomhurstworeseemedtoherparticularlyspotless。
Broomhurst’sthoughts,forhispart,wereagooddealoccupiedwithhishostess。
Shewaspretty,hethought,orperhapsitwasthat,withthewide,drylonelyplainasasetting,herfragiledelicacyofappearancewasinvestedwithacertainflower-likecharm。
"Thesilencehereseemsratherstrange,ratherappallingatfirst,whenoneisfreshfromatown,"hepursued,afteramoment’spause;
"butIsupposeyou’reusedtoit,eh,Drayton?Howdo/you/findlifehere,Mrs。Drayton?"heasked,alittlecuriously,turningtoherashespoke。
Shehesitatedasecond。"Oh,muchthesameasIshouldfinditanywhereelse,Iexpect,"shereplied;"afterall,onecarriesthepossibilitiesofahappylifeaboutwithone;don’tyouthinkso?TheGardenofEdenwouldn’tnecessarilymakemylifeanyhappier,orlesshappy,thanahowlingwildernesslikethis。Itdependsonone’sselfentirely。"
"GiventherightAdamandEve,thedesertblossomsliketherose,infact,"Broomhurstanswered,lightly,withasmilingglanceinclusiveofhusbandandwife;"youtwodon’tfeelasthoughyou’dbeendrivenoutofParadise,evidently。"
Draytonraisedhiseyesfromhisplatewithasmileoftotalincomprehension。
"Greatheavens!whatanAdamtoselect!"thoughtBroomhurst,involuntarily,asMrs。Draytonroserathersuddenlyfromthetable。
"I’llcomeandhelpwiththatpacking-case,"Johnsaid,rising,inhisturn,lumberinglyfromhisplace;"thenwecanhaveasmoke——eh!
Kathiedon’tmind,ifwesitneartheentrance。
Thetwomenwentouttogether,Broomhurstholdingthelantern,forthemoonhadnotyetrisen。Mrs。Draytonfollowedthemtothedoorway,and,pushingthelooped-uphangingfartheraside,steppedoutintothecooldarkness。
Herheartwasbeatingquickly,andtherewasagreatlumpinherthroatthatfrightenedherasthoughshewerechoking。
"AndIamhis/wife/——I/belong/tohim!"shecried,almostaloud。
Shepressedbothherhandstightlyagainstherbreast,andsetherteeth,fightingtokeepdowntherisingfloodthatthreatenedtosweepawayhercomposure。"Oh,whatafoolIam!WhatanhystericalfoolofawomanIam!"shewhisperedbelowherbreath。Shebegantowalkslowlyupanddownoutsidethetent,inthespaceilluminedbythelamplight,asthoughstrivingtomakeheroutwardlyquietmovementsreactupontheinwardtumult。Inalittlewhileshehadconquered;shequietlyenteredthetent,drewalowchairtotheentrance,andtookupabook,justasfootstepsbecameaudible。AmomentafterwardBroomhurstemergedfromthedarknessintothecircleoflightoutside,andMrs。Draytonraisedhereyesfromthepagesshewasturningtogreethimwithasmile。
"Areyourthingsallright?"
"Oh,yes,moreorless,thankyou。Iwasalittleconcernedaboutacaseofbooks,butitisn’tmuchdamagedfortunately。PerhapsI’vesomeyouwouldcaretolookat?"
"Thebookswillbeagodsend,"shereturned,withasuddenbrighteningoftheeyes;"Iwasgetting/desperate/——forbooks。"
"Whatareyoureadingnow?"heasked,glancingatthevolumethatlayinherlap。
"It’saBrowning。Icarryitaboutagooddeal。IthinkIliketohaveitwithme,butIdon’tseemtoreaditmuch。"
"Areyouwaitingforasuitableoptimisticmoment?"Broomhurstinquired,smiling。
"Yes,nowthatyoumentionit,IthinkthatmustbewhyIamwaiting,"
shereplied,slowly。
"Anditdoesn’tcome——evenintheGardenofEden?Surelytheserpent,pessimism,hasn’tbeeninsolentenoughtodrawyouintoconversationwithhim?"hesaid,lightly。
"Therehasbeennoonetoconversewithatall——whenJohnisaway,I
mean。IthinkIshouldhavelikedalittlechatwiththeserpentimmenselybywayofachange,"shereplied,inthesametone。
"Ah,yes,"Broomhurstsaid,withsuddenseriousness;"itmustbeunbearablydullforyoualonehere,withDraytonawayallday。"
Mrs。Drayton’shandshookalittleassheflutteredapageofheropenbook。
"Ishouldthinkitquitenaturalyouwouldbeirritatedbeyondendurancetohearthatall’srightwiththeworld,forinstance,whenyouweresighingforthelongdaytopass,"hecontinued。
"Idon’tmindthedaysomuch;it’stheevenings。"Sheabruptlycheckedtheswiftwords,andflushedpainfully。"Imean——I’vegrownstupidlynervous,Ithink——evenwhenJohnishere。Oh,youhavenoideaoftheawful/silence/ofthisplaceatnight,"sheadded,risinghurriedlyfromherlowseat,andmovingclosertothedoorway。"Itissoclose,isn’tit?"shesaid,almostapologetically。Therewassilenceforquiteaminute。
Broomhurst’squickeyesnotedthesilentmomentaryclinchingofthehandsthathungatherside,asshestoodleaningagainstthesupportattheentrance。
"Buthowstupidofmetogiveyousuchabadimpressionofthecamp——
thefirstevening,too!"Mrs。Draytonexclaimed,presently;andhercompanionmentallycommendedtheadmirablecomposureofhervoice。
"Probablyyouwillnevernoticethatit/is/lonelyatall,"shecontinued;"Johnlikesithere。Heisimmenselyinterestedinhiswork,youknow。Ihope/you/aretoo。Ifyouareinteresteditisallquiteright。Ithinktheclimatetriesmealittle。Ineverusedtobestupid——andnervous。Ah,here’sJohn;he’sbeenroundtothekitchentent,Isuppose。"
"Beenlookingafterthatfellowcleanin’mygun,mydear,"Johnexplained,shamblingtowardthedeck-chair。
LaterBroomhurststoodathisowntentdoor。Helookedupatthestar-
sownsky,andtheheavysilenceseemedtopressuponhimlikeanactual,physicalburden。
Hetookhiscigarfrombetweenhislipspresently,andlookedattheglowingendreflectivelybeforethrowingitaway。
"Consideringthatshehasbeenalonewithhimhereforsixmonths,shehasherselfverywellinhand——/very/wellinhand,"herepeated。
ItwasSundaymorning。JohnDraytonsatjustinsidethetent,presumablyenjoyinghispipebeforetheheatoftheday。Hiseyesfurtivelyfollowedhiswifeasshemovedaboutnearhim,sometimespassingclosetohischairinsearchofsomethingshehadmislaid。
Therewascolourinhercheeks;hereyes,thoughpreoccupied,werebright;therewasalightnessandbuoyancyinherstepwhichshesettoalittledancingairshewashummingunderherbreath。
Afteramomentortwothesongceased;shebegantomoveslowly,sedately;and,asifchilledbyarawbreathofair,thelightfadedfromhereyes,whichshepresentlyturnedtowardherhusband。
"Whydoyoulookatme?"sheasked,suddenly。
"Idon’tknow,mydear,"hebeganslowlyandlaboriously,aswashiswont。"Iwasthinkin’howniceyoulooked——jestnow——muchbetter,youknow;butsomehow,"——hewastakinglongwhiffsathispipe,asusual,betweeneachword,whileshestoodpatientlywaitingforhimtofinish,——"somehow,youalterso,mydear——you’requitepaleagain,allofaminute。"
Shestoodlisteningtohim,noticingagainstherwillthemorethansuspicionofcockneyaccentandthethickdrawlwithwhichthewordswereuttered。
Hiseyessoughtherfacepiteously。Shenoticedthattoo,andstoodbeforehimtornbyconflictingemotions,pityanddisguststrugglinginahand-to-handfightwithinher。
"Mr。BroomhurstandIaregoingdownbythewelltosit;it’scoolerthere。Won’tyoucome?"shesaidatlast,gently。
Hedidnotreplyforamoment;thenheturnedhisheadaside,sharplyforhim。
"No,mydear,thankyou;I’mcomfortableenoughhere,"hereturned,huskily。
Shestoodoverhim,hesitatingasecond;thenmovedabruptlytothetable,fromwhichshetookabook。
Hehadrisenfromhisseatbythetimesheturnedtogoout,andheinterceptedhertimorously。
"Kathie,givemeakissbeforeyougo,"hewhispered,hoarsely。"I——I
don’toftenbotheryou。"
Shedrewherbreathindeeplyasheputhisarmsclumsilyabouther;
butshestoodstill,andhekissedherontheforehead,andtouchedthelittlewavycurlsthatstrayedacrossitgentlywithhisbig,tremblingfingers。
Whenhereleasedher,shemovedatonceimpetuouslytotheopendoorway。Onthethresholdshehesitated,pausedamomentirresolutely,andthenturnedback。
"ShallI——doesyourpipewantfilling,John?"sheasked,softly。
"No,thankyou,mydear。"
"Wouldyoulikemetostay,readtoyou,oranything?"
Helookedupatherwistfully。"N-no,thankyou;I’mnotmuchofareader,youknow,mydear——somehow。"
Shehatedherselfforknowingthattherewouldbea"mydear,"
probablya"somehow,"inhisreply,anddespisedherselfforthesenseofirritatedimpatienceshefeltbyanticipation,evenbeforethewordswereuttered。
Therewasamoment’shesitatingsilence,brokenbythesoundofquick,firmfootstepswithout。Broomhurstpausedattheentrance,andlookedintothetent。
"Aren’tyoucoming,Drayton?"heasked,lookingfirstatDrayton’swifeandthenswiftlyputtinginhisnamewithascarcelyperceptiblepause。"Toolazy?Butyou,Mrs。Drayton?"
"Yes,I’mcoming,"shesaid。
Theyleftthetenttogether,andwalkedsomefewstepsinsilence。
Broomhurstshotaquickglanceathiscompanion’sface。
"Anythingwrong?"heasked,presently。
Thoughthewordswereordinaryenough,thevoiceinwhichtheywerespokenwasinsomesubtlefashionadifferentvoicefromthatinwhichhehadtalkedtohernearlytwomonthsago,thoughitwouldhaverequiredakeensenseofniceshadesinsoundtohavedetectedthechange。
Mrs。Drayton’ssenseofnicetiesinsoundwasparticularlykeen,butsheansweredquietly,"Nothing,thankyou。"
Theydidnotspeakagaintillthetreesroundthestonewellwerereached。
Broomhurstarrangedtheirseatscomfortablybesideit。
"Arewegoingtoreadortalk?"heasked,lookingupatherfromhislowerplace。
"Well,wegenerallytalkmostwhenwearrangetoread;soshallweagreetotalkto-dayforachange,bywayofgettingsomereadingdone?"sherejoined,smiling。"/You/begin。"
Broomhurstseemedinnohurrytoavailhimselfofthepermission;hewasapparentlyengrossedinwatchingtheflecksofsunshineonMrs。
Drayton’swhitedress。Thewhirringofinsects,andthecreakingofaPersianwheelsomewhereintheneighbourhood,filteredthroughthehotsilence。
Mrs。Draytonlaughedafterafewminutes;therewasatouchofembarrassmentinthesound。
"Thenewplandoesn’tanswer。Supposeyouread,asusual,andletmeinterrupt,alsoasusual,afterthefirsttwolines。"
Heopenedthebookobediently,butturnedthepagesatrandom。
Shewatchedhimforamoment,andthenbentalittleforwardtowardhim。
"Itismyturnnow,"shesaid,suddenly;"isanythingwrong?"
Heraisedhishead,andtheireyesmet。Therewasapause。"Iwillbemorehonestthanyou,"hereturned;"yes,thereis。"
"What?"
"I’vehadorderstomoveon。"
Shedrewback,andherlipswhitened,thoughshekeptthemsteady。
"Whendoyougo?"
"OnWednesday。"
Therewassilenceagain;themanstillkepthiseyesonherface。
Thewhirringoftheinsectsandthecreakingofthewheelhadsuddenlygrownsostrangelyloudandinsistentthatitwasinahalf-dazedfashionsheatlengthheardhername——"/Kathleen!/"
"Kathleen!"hewhisperedagain,hoarsely。
Shelookedhimfullintheface,andoncemoretheireyesmetinalong,gravegaze。
Theman’sfaceflushed,andhehalfrosefromhisseatwithanimpetuousmovement;butKathleenstoppedhimwithaglance。
"Willyougoandfetchmywork?Ileftitinthetent,"shesaid,speakingveryclearlyanddistinctly;"andthenwillyougoonreading?Iwillfindtheplacewhileyouaregone。"
Shetookthebookfromhishand,andheroseandstoodbeforeher。
Therewasamuteappealinhissilence,andsheraisedherheadslowly。
Herfacewaswhitetothelips,butshelookedathimunflinchingly;
andwithoutawordheturnedandlefther。
Mrs。DraytonwasrestinginthetentonTuesdayafternoon。Withthehelpofcushionsandsomelowchairs,shehadimprovisedacouch,onwhichshelayquietlywithhereyesclosed。Therewasatenseness,however,inherattitudewhichindicatedthatsleepwasfarfromher。
Herfeaturesseemedtohavesharpenedduringthelastfewdays,andtherewerehollowsinhercheeks。Shehadbeenveryillforalongtime,butallatonce,withasuddenmovement,sheturnedherheadandburiedherfaceinthecushionswithagroan。Slippingfromherplace,shefellonherkneesbesidethecouch,andputbothhandsbeforehermouthtoforcebackthecrythatshefeltstrugglingtoherlips。
Forsomemomentsthewildeffortshewasmakingforoutwardcalm,whichevenwhenshewasalonewasherfirstinstinct,strainedeverynerveandblottedoutsightandhearing,anditwasnottillthesoundwasverynearthatshewasconsciousoftheringofhorse’shoofsontheplain。
Sheraisedherheadsharply,withathrilloffear,stillkneeling,andlistened。
Therewasnomistake。Thehorsemanwasridinginhothaste,forthethudofthehoofsfollowedoneanotherswiftly。
AsMrs。Draytonlistenedherwhitefacegrewwhiter,andshebegantotremble。Puttingoutshakinghands,sheraisedherselfbythearmsofthefolding-chairandstoodupright。
Nearerandnearercamethethunderoftheapproachingsound,mingledwithstartledexclamationsandthenoiseoftramplingfeetfromthedirectionofthekitchentent。
Slowly,mechanicallyalmost,shedraggedherselftotheentrance,andstoodclingingtothecanvasthere。BythetimeshehadreacheditBroomhursthadflunghimselffromthesaddle,andhadthrownthereinstooneofthemen。
Mrs。Draytonstaredathimwithwide,brighteyesashehastenedtowardher。
"Ithoughtyou——youarenot——"shebegan,andthenherteethbegantochatter。"Iamsocold!"shesaid,inalittle,weakvoice。
Broomhursttookherhandandledheroverthethresholdbackintothetent。
"Don’tbesofrightened,"heimplored;"Icametotellyoufirst。I
thoughtitwouldn’tfrightenyousomuchas——Your——Draytonis——veryill。Theyarebringinghim。I——"
Hepaused。Shegazedathimamomentwithpartedlips;thenshebrokeintoahorrible,discordantlaugh,andstoodclingingtothebackofachair。
Broomhurststartedback。
"DoyouunderstandwhatImean?"hewhispered。"Kathleen,forGod’ssake——/don’t/——heis/dead/。"
Helookedoverhisshoulderashespoke,hershrilllaughterringinginhisears。Thewhiteglareanddazzleoftheplainstretchedbeforehim,framedbytheentrancetothetent;faroff,againstthehorizon,thereweremovingblackspecks,whichheknewtobethereturningservantswiththeirstillburden。
TheywerebringingJohnDraytonhome。
Oneafternoon,somemonthslater,BroomhurstclimbedthesteeplaneleadingtothecliffsofalittleEnglishvillagebythesea。Hehadalreadybeentotheinn,andhadbeenshownbytheproprietressthehousewhereMrs。Draytonlodged。
"Theladywasout,butthegentlemanwouldlikelyfindherifhewenttothecliffs——downbythebay,orthereabouts,"herlandladyexplained;and,obeyingherdirections,Broomhurstpresentlyemergedfromtheshadywoodlandpathontothehillsideoverhangingthesea。
Heglancedeagerlyroundhim,andthen,withasuddenquickeningoftheheart,walkedonoverthespringyheathertowhereshesat。Sheturnedwhentherustlinghisfootstepsmadethroughthebrackenwasnearenoughtoarrestherattention,andlookedupathimashecame。
Thensheroseslowlyandstoodwaitingforhim。Hecameuptoherwithoutaword,andseizedbothherhands,devouringherfacewithhiseyes。Somethinghesawthererepelledhim。Slowlyheletherhandsfall,stilllookingathersilently。"Youarenotgladtoseeme,andIhavecountedthehours,"hesaid,atlast,inadull,tonelessvoice。
Herlipsquivered。"Don’tbeangrywithme——Ican’thelpit——I’mnotgladorsorryforanythingnow,"sheanswered;andhervoicematchedhisforgrayness。
Theysatdowntogetheronalongflatstonehalfembeddedinawiryclumpofwhortleberries。Behindthemthelonelyhillsidesrose,brilliantwithyellowbrackenandthepurpleofheather。Beforethemstretchedthewidesea。Itwasasoft,grayday。Streaksofpalesunlighttrembledatmomentsfaroutonthewater。Thetidewasrisinginthelittlebayabovewhichtheysat,andBroomhurstwatchedthelazyfoam-edgedwavesslippingovertheuncoveredrockstowardtheshore,thenslidingbackasthoughforverywearinesstheydespairedofreachingit。Themuffled,pulsingsoundoftheseafilledthesilence。BroomhurstthoughtsuddenlyofhotEasternsunshine,ofthewhirofinsectwingsonthestillair,andthecreakingofawheelinthedistance。Heturnedandlookedathiscompanion。
"Ihavecomethousandsofmilestoseeyou,"hesaid;"aren’tyougoingtospeaktomenowIamhere?"
"Whydidyoucome?Itoldyounottocome,"sheanswered,falteringly。
"I——"shepaused。
"AndIrepliedthatIshouldfollowyou——ifyouremember,"heanswered,stillquietly。"IcamebecauseIwouldnotlistentowhatyousaidthen,atthatawfultime。Youdidn’tknow/yourself/whatyousaid。Nowonder!Ihavegivenyousomemonths,andnowIhavecome。"
Therewassilencebetweenthem。Broomhurstsawthatshewascrying;
hertearsfellfastontoherhands,thatwereclaspedinherlap。Herface,henoticed,wasthinanddrawn。
Verygentlyheputhisarmroundhershoulderanddrewhernearertohim。Shemadenoresistance;itseemedthatshedidnotnoticethemovement;andhisarmdroppedathisside。
"YouaskedmewhyIhadcome。Youthinkitpossiblethatthreemonthscanchangeoneverythoroughly,then?"hesaid,inacoldvoice。
"Inotonlythinkitpossible;Ihaveprovedit,"shereplied,wearily。
Heturnedroundandfacedher。
"You/did/loveme,Kathleen!"heasserted。"Youneversaidsoinwords,butIknowit,"headded,fiercely。
"Yes,Idid。"
"And——youmeanthatyoudon’tnow?"
Hervoicewasverytired。"Yes;Ican’thelpit,"sheanswered;"ithasgone——utterly。"
Thegrayseaslowlylappedtherocks。Overheadthesharpscreamofagullcutthroughthestillness。Itwasbrokenagain,amomentafterward,byashorthardlaughfromtheman。
"Don’t!"shewhispered,andlaidahandswiftlyonhisarm。"Doyouthinkitisn’tworseforme?IwishtoGodI/did/loveyou!"shecried,passionately。"Perhapsitwouldmakemeforgetthat,toallintentsandpurposes,Iamamurderess。
Broomhurstmetherwide,despairingeyeswithanamazementwhichyieldedtosuddenpityingcomprehension。
"Sothatisit,mydarling?Youareworryingabout/that/?Youwhowereasloyalas——"
Shestoppedhimwithafranticgesture。
"Don’t!/don’t!/"shewailed。"Ifyouonlyknew!Letmetrytotellyou——willyou?"sheurged,pitifully。"ItmaybebetterifItellsomeone——ifIdon’tkeepitalltomyself,andthink,and/think/。"
Sheclaspedherhandstight,withtheoldgestureherememberedwhenshewasstrugglingforself-control,andwaitedamoment。
Presentlyshebegantospeakinalow,hurriedtone:"Itbeganbeforeyoucame。IknownowwhatthefeelingwasthatIwasafraidtoacknowledgetomyself。Iusedtotryandsmotherit;Iusedtorepeatthingstomyselfallday——poems,stupidrhymes——/anything/tokeepmythoughtsquiteunderneath——butI——/hated/Johnbeforeyoucame!Wehadbeenmarriednearlyayearthen。Ineverlovedhim。Ofcourseyouaregoingtosay,’Whydidyoumarryhim?’"Shelookeddrearilyovertheplacidsea。"Why/did/Imarryhim?Idon’tknow;forthereasonthathundredsofignorant,inexperiencedgirlsmarry,Isuppose。Myhomewasn’tahappyone。Iwasmiserable,andoh——/restless/。Iwonderifmenknowwhatitfeelsliketoberestless?SometimesIthinktheycan’tevenguess。Johnwantedmeverybadly;nobodywantedmeathomeparticularly。Theredidn’tseemtobeanypointinmylife。Doyouunderstand?……Ofcourse,beingalonewithhiminthatlittlecampinthatsilentplain"——sheshuddered——"madethingsworse。Mynerveswentalltopieces。Everythinghesaid,hisvoice,hisaccent,hiswalk,thewayheate,irritatedmesothatIlongedtorushoutsometimesandshriek——andgo/mad/。Doesitsoundridiculoustoyoutobedrivenmadbysuchtrifles?IonlyknowIusedtogetupfromthetablesometimesandwalkupanddownoutside,withbothhandsovermymouthtokeepmyselfquiet。AndallthetimeI/hated/myself——howI
hatedmyself!Ineverhadawordfromhimthatwasn’tgentleandtender。IbelievehelovedthegroundIwalkedon。Oh,itis/awful/
tobelovedlikethatwhenyou——"Shedrewinherbreathwithasob。
"I——I——itmademesickforhimtocomenearme——totouchme。"Shestoppedamoment。
Broomhurstgentlylaidhishandonherquiveringone。"Poorlittlegirl!"hemurmured。
"Then/you/came,"shesaid,"andbeforelongIhadanotherfeelingtofightagainst。AtfirstIthoughtitcouldn’tbetruethatIlovedyou——itwoulddiedown。IthinkIwas/frightened/atthefeeling;I
didn’tknowithurtsotoloveanyone。"
Broomhurststirredalittle。"Goon,"hesaid,tersely。
"Butitdidn’tdie,"shecontinued,inatremblingwhisper,"andtheother/awful/feelinggrewstrongerandstronger——hatred;no,thatisnottheword——/loathing/for——for——John。Ifoughtagainstit。Yes,"
shecried,feverishly,claspingandunclaspingherhands;"HeavenknowsIfoughtitwithallmystrength,andreasonedwithmyself,and——oh,Idid/everything/,but——"Herquick-fallingtearsmadespeechdifficult。
"Kathleen!"Broomhursturged,desperately,"youcouldn’thelpit,youpoorchild。Yousayyourselfyoustruggledagainstyourfeelings。Youwerealwaysgentle;perhapshedidn’tknow。"
"Buthedid——he/did/,"shewailed;"itisjustthat。Ihurthimahundredtimesaday;heneversaidso,butIknewit;andyetI
/couldn’t/bekindtohim,——exceptinwords,——andheunderstood。Andafteryoucameitwasworseinoneway,forheknew——I/felt/heknew——thatIlovedyou。Hiseyesusedtofollowmelikeadog’s,andIwasstabbedwithremorse,andItriedtobegoodtohim,butIcouldn’t。"
"But——hedidn’tsuspect——hetrustedyou,"beganBroomhurst。"Hehadeveryreason。Nowomanwaseversoloyal,so——"
"Hush!"shealmostscreamed。"Loyal!itwastheleastIcoulddo——tostopyou,Imean——whenyou——Afterall,Iknewitwithoutyourtellingme。Ihaddeliberatelymarriedhimwithoutlovinghim。Itwasmyownfault。Ifeltit。EvenifIcouldn’tpreventhisknowingthatIhatedhim,Icouldprevent/that/。Itwasmypunishment。Ideserveditfor/daring/tomarrywithoutlove。ButIdidn’tspareJohnonepangafterall,"sheadded,bitterly。"HeknewwhatIfelttowardhim;Idon’tthinkhecaredaboutanythingelse。YousayImustn’treproachmyself?
WhenIwentbacktothetentthatmorning——whenyou——whenIstoppedyoufromsayingyoulovedme,hewassittingatthetablewithhisheadburiedinhishands;hewascrying——bitterly。Isawhim,——itisterribletoseeamancry,——andIstoleawaygently,buthesawme。I
wastorntopieces,butI/couldn’t/gotohim。Iknewhewouldkissme,andIshudderedtothinkofit。Itseemedmorethanevernottobebornethatheshoulddothat——whenIknew/you/lovedme。"
"Kathleen,"criedherlover,again,"don’tdwellonitallsoterribly——don’t——"
"HowcanIforget?"sheanswered,despairingly。"Andthen,"——sheloweredhervoice,——"oh,Ican’ttellyou——allthetime,atthebackofmymindsomewhere,therewasaburningwishthathemight/die/。I
usedtolieawakeatnight,and,dowhatIwouldtostifleit,thatthoughtusedto/scorch/me,Iwisheditsointensely。Doyoubelievethatbywillingonecanbringsuchthingstopass?"sheasked,lookingatBroomhurstwithfeverishlybrighteyes。"No?Well,Idon’tknow。I
triedtosmotherit,——I/really/tried,——butitwasthere,whateverotherthoughtsIheapedonthetop。Then,whenIheardthehorsegallopingacrosstheplainthatmorning,Ihadasickfearthatitwas/you/。Iknewsomethinghadhappened,andmyfirstthoughtwhenIsawyoualiveandwell,andknewitwas/John/,was/thatitwastoogoodtobetrue/。IbelieveIlaughedlikeamaniac,didn’tI?……Nottoblame?Why,ifithadn’tbeenformehewouldn’thavedied。Themensaytheysawhimsittingwithhisheaduncoveredintheburningsun,hisfaceburiedinhishands——justasIhadseenhimthedaybefore。
Hedidn’ttroubletobecareful;hewastoowretched。"
Shepaused,andBroomhurstroseandbegantopacethelittlehillsidepathattheedgeofwhichtheywereseated。
Presentlyhecamebacktoher。
"Kathleen,letmetakecareofyou,"heimplored,stoopingtowardher。
"Wehaveonlyourselvestoconsiderinthismatter。Willyoucometomeatonce?"
Sheshookherheadsadly。
Broomhurstsethisteeth,andthelinesroundhismouthdeepened。Hethrewhimselfdownbesideherontheheather。
"Dear,"heurged,stillgently,thoughhisvoiceshowedhewascontrollinghimselfwithaneffort,"youaremorbidaboutthis。Youhavebeenalonetoomuch;youareill。Letmetakecareofyou;I
/can/,Kathleen,——andIloveyou。Nothingbutmorbidfancymakesyouimagineyouareinanywayresponsiblefor——Drayton’sdeath。Youcan’tbringhimbacktolife,and——"
"No,"shesighed,drearily,"andifIcould,nothingwouldbealtered。
ThoughIammadwithself-reproach,Ifeel/that/——itwasallsoinevitable。Ifhewerealiveandwellbeforemethisinstant,myfeelingtowardhimwouldn’thavechanged。Ifhespoketomehewouldsay’mydear’——andIshould/loathe/him。Oh,Iknow!Itis/that/
thatmakesitsoawful。"
"Butifyouacknowledgeit,"Broomhurststruckin,eagerly,"willyouwreckbothofourlivesforthesakeofvainregrets?Kathleen,youneverwill。"
Hewaitedbreathlesslyforheranswer。
"Iwon’twreckbothourlivesbymarryingagainwithoutloveonmyside,"shereplied,firmly。
"Iwilltaketherisk,"hesaid。"You/have/lovedme;youwilllovemeagain。Youarecrushedanddazednowwithbroodingoverthis——thistrouble,but——"
"ButIwillnotallowyoutotaketherisk,"Kathleenanswered。"WhatsortofwomanshouldIbetobewillingagaintolivewithamanI
don’tlove?Ihavecometoknowthattherearethingsoneowesto/one’sself/。Self-respectisoneofthem。Idon’tknowhowithascometobeso,butallmyoldfeelingforyouhas/gone/。Itisasthoughithadburneditselfout。Iwillnotoffergrayashestoanyman。"
Broomhurst,lookingupatherpale,setface,knewthatherwordswerefinal,andturnedhisownasidewithagroan。
"Ah,"criedKathleen,withalittlebreakinhervoice,"/don’t!/Goaway,andbehappyandstrong,andallthatIlovedinyou。Iamsosorry——sosorrytohurtyou。I——"hervoicefalteredmiserably;"I——I
onlybringtroubletopeople。"
Therewasalongpause。
"Didyouneverthinkthatthereisaterribleveinofironyrunningthroughtheorderingofthisworld?"shesaid,presently。"Itisamistaketothinkourprayersarenotanswered——theyare。Induetimewegetourheart’sdesire——whenwehaveceasedtocareforit。"
"Ihaven’tyetgotmine,"Broomhurstanswered,doggedly,"andIshallneverceasetocareforit。"
Shesmiledalittle,withinfinitesadness。
"Listen,Kathleen,"hesaid。Theyhadbothrisen,andhestoodbeforeher,lookingdownather。"Iwillgonow,butinayear’stimeIshallcomeback。Iwillnotgiveyouup。Youshalllovemeyet。"
"Perhaps——Idon’tthinkso,"sheanswered,wearily。
Broomhurstlookedathertremblinglipsamomentinsilence;thenhestoopedandkissedbothherhandsinstead。
"Iwillwaittillyoutellmeyouloveme,"hesaid。
Shestoodwatchinghimoutofsight。Hedidnotlookback,andsheturnedwithswimmingeyestothegrayseaandthetransientgleamsofsunlightthatsweptliketendersmilesacrossitsface。