CONTENTS
ChapterIOntheWaytotheRiverChapterIITheRiverIntroducesUsChapterIIIHeShowsHimselfChapterIVHeExplainsHimselfChapterChapterVHeBetraysHimselfChapterVITheReturnofthePortfolioChapterVIITheBestSocietyChapterVIIITheDeafLodgerChapterIXMrs。Roylake’sGame：FirstMoveChapterXWarned！
ChapterXIWarnedAgain！
ChapterXIIWarnedfortheLastTime！
ChapterXIIITheClaretJugChapterXIVGloodySettlestheAccountChapterXVTheMiller’sHospitalityChapterXVIBriberyandCorruptionChapterXVIIUtterFailureChapterXVIIITheMistressofTrimleyDeenCHAPTERI
ONTHEWAYTOTHERIVER
FORreasonsofmyown，Iexcusedmyselffromaccompanyingmystepmothertoadinner-partygiveninourneighborhood。Inmypresenthumor，I
preferredbeingalone——and，asameansofgettingthroughmyidletime，I
wasquitecontenttobeoccupiedincatchinginsects。
Providedwithabrushandamixtureofrumandtreacle，IwentintoFordwitchWoodtosetthesnare，familiartohuntersofmoths，whichwecallsugaringthetrees。
Thesummereveningwashotandstill;thetimewasbetweenduskanddark。
Aftertenyearsofabsenceinforeignparts，Iperceivedchangesintheoutskirtsofthewood，whichwarnedmenottoenterittooconfidentlywhenImightfindadifficultyinseeingmyway。Remainingamongtheoutermosttrees，Ipaintedthetrunkswithmytreacherousmixture——whichalluredtheinsectsofthenight，andstupefiedthemwhentheysettledonitsranksurface。Thesnarebeingset，Iwaitedtoseetheintoxicationofthemoths。
Atimepassed，dullanddreary。Themysteriousassemblageoftreeswasblackerthantheblackeningsky。Ofmillionsofleavesovermyhead，nonepleasedmyear，intheairlesscalm，withtheirrustlingsummersong。
Thefirstflyingcreatures，dimlyvisiblebymomentsunderthegloomysky，wereenemieswhomIwellknewbyexperience。ManyafineinsectspecimenhaveIlost，whenthebatswerenearmeinsearchoftheireveningmeal。
Whathadhappenedbefore，inotherwoods，happenednow。ThefirstmoththatIhadsnaredwasalargeone，andaspecimenwellworthsecuring。AsIstretchedoutmyhandtotakeit，theapparitionofaflyingshadowpassed，swiftandnoiseless，betweenmeandthetree。Inlessthananinstanttheinsectwassnatchedaway，whenmyfingerswerewithinaninchofit。Thebathadbegunhissupper，andthemanandthemixturehadprovideditforhim。
Outoffivemothscaught，Ibecamethevictimofclevertheftinthecaseofthree。Theothertwo，ofnogreatvalueasspecimens，Iwasjustquickenoughtosecure。Underothercircumstances，mypatienceasacollectorwouldstillhavebeenamatchforthedexterityofthebats。Butonthatevening——amemorableeveningwhenIlookbackatitnow——myspiritsweredepressed，andIwaseasilydiscouraged。Myfavoritestudiesoftheinsect-worldseemedtohavelosttheirvalueinmyestimation。InthesilenceandthedarknessIlaydownunderatree，andletmyminddwellonmyselfandonmynewlifetocome。
IamGerardRoylake，sonandonlychildofthelateGerardRoylakeofTrimleyDeen。
Attwenty-twoyearsofage，myfather’sdeathhadplacedmeinpossessionofhislargelandedproperty。OnmyarrivalfromGermany，onlyafewhourssince，theservantsinnocentlyvexedme。WhenIdroveuptothedoor，Iheardthemsaytoeachother："HereistheyoungSquire。"Myfatherusedtobecalled"theoldSquire。"Ishrankfrombeingremindedofhim——notasothersonsinmypositionmighthavesaid，becauseitrenewedmysorrowforhisdeath。Therewasnosorrowinmetoberenewed。
Itisashockingconfessiontomake：myheartremainedunmovedwhenI
thoughtofthefatherwhomIhadlost。
Ourmothershavethemostsacredofallclaimsonourgratitudeandourlove。Theyhavenourisheduswiththeirblood;theyhaveriskedtheirlivesinbringingusintotheworld;theyhavepreservedandguidedourhelplessinfancywithdivinepatienceandlove。Whatclaimequallystrongandequallytenderdoestheotherparentestablishonhisoffspring？Whatmotivedoestheinstinctofhisyoungchildrenfindforpreferringtheirfatherbeforeanyotherpersonwhomaybeafamiliarobjectintheirdailylives？Theylovehim——naturallyandrightlylovehim——becausehelivesintheirremembrance（ifheisagoodman）asthefirst，thebest，thedearestoftheirfriends。
Myfatherwasabadman。Hewasmymother’sworstenemy;andhewasnevermyfriend。
ThelittlethatIknowoftheworldtellsmethatitisnotthecommonlotinlifeofwomentomarrytheobjectoftheirfirstlove。Asenseofdutyhadcompelledmymothertopartwiththemanwhohadwonherheart，inthefirstdaysofhermaidenhood;andmyfatherhaddiscoveredit，afterhismarriage。Hisinsanejealousyfoullywrongedthetruestwife，themostlong-sufferingwomanthateverlived。Ihavenopatiencetowriteofit。Fortenmiserableyearsshesufferedhermartyrdom;shelivedthroughit，dearangel，sweetsufferingsoul，formysake。Atherdeath，myfatherwasabletogratifyhishatredofthesonwhomhehadneverbelievedtobehisownchild。Underpretenceofpreferringtheforeignsystemofteaching，hesentmetoaschoolinFrance。Myeducationhavingbeensofarcompleted，IwasnexttransferredtoaGermanUniversity。NeveragaindidIseetheplaceofmybirth，neverdidIgetaletterfromhome，untilthefamilylawyerwrotefromTrimleyDeen，requestingmetoassumepossessionofmyhouseandlands，undertheentail。
Ishouldnotevenhaveknownthatmyfatherhadtakenasecondwifebutforsomefriend（orenemy）——Ineverdiscoveredtheperson——whosentmeanewspapercontaininganannouncementofthemarriage。
Whenwesaweachotherforthefirsttime，mystepmotherandImetnecessarilyasstrangers。Wewereelaboratelypolite，andweeachmadeameritoriousefforttoappearatourease。Onherside，shefoundherselfconfrontedbyayoungman，thenewmasterofthehouse，wholookedmorelikeaforeignerthananEnglishman——who，whenhewascongratulated（inviewoftheapproachingseason）ontheadmirablepreservationofhispartridgesandpheasants，betrayedanutterwantofinterestinthesubject;andwhoshowednosenseofshameinacknowledgingthathisprincipalamusementswerederivedfromreadingbooks，andcollectinginsects。HowImusthavedisappointedMrs。Roylake！andhowconsideratelyshehidfrommetheeffectthatIhadproduced！
Turningnexttomyownimpressions，Idiscoveredinmynewly-foundrelative，alittlelight-eyed，light-haired，elegantwoman;trim，andbright，andsmiling;dressedtoperfection，clevertoherfingers’ends，skilledinmakingherselfagreeable——andyet，inspiteoftheseundeniablefascinations，perfectlyincomprehensibletome。Aftermyexperienceofforeignsociety，Iwasincapableofunderstandingtheextraordinaryimportancewhichmystepmotherseemedtoattachtorankandriches，entirelyfortheirownsakes。Whenshedescribedmyunknownneighbors，fromoneendofthecountytotheother，shetookitforgrantedthatImustbeinterestedinthemonaccountoftheirtitlesandtheirfortunes。Sheheldmeuptomyownface，asakindofidoltomyself，withoutproducinganybetterreasonthanmightbefoundinmyinheritanceofanincomeofsixteenthousandpounds。AndwhenIexpressed（inexcusingmyselffornotaccompanyingher，uninvited，tothedinner-party）aperfectlyrationaldoubtwhetherImightprovetobeawelcomeguest，Mrs。Roylakeheldupherdelicatelittlehandsinunutterableastonishment。"MydearGerard，inyourposition！"Sheappearedtothinkthatthissettledthequestion。Isubmittedinsilence;
thetruthis，Iwasbeginningalreadytodespairofmyprospects。Kindasmystepmotherwas，andagreeableasshewas，whatchancecouldIseeofestablishinganytruesympathybetweenus？And，ifmyneighborsresembledherintheirwaysofthinking，whathopecouldIfeeloffindingnewfriendsinEnglandtoreplacethefriendsinGermanywhomIhadlost？A
strangeramongmyowncountrypeople，withtheevery-dayhabitsandevery-daypleasuresofmyyouthfullifeleftbehindme——withoutplansorhopestointerestmeinlookingatthefuture——itissurelynotwonderfulthatmyspiritshadsunktotheirlowestebb，andthatIevenfailedtoappreciatewithsufficientgratitudethefortunateaccidentofmybirth。
PerhapsthejourneytoEnglandhadfatiguedme，orperhapsthecontrollinginfluencesofthedarkandsilentnightprovedirresistible。
Thisonlyiscertain：mysolitarymeditationsunderthetreeendedinsleep。
Iwasawakenedbyalightfallingonmyface。
Themoonhadrisen。Intheoutwardpartofthewood，beyondwhichIhadnotadvanced，thepureandwelcomelightpenetratedeasilythroughthescatteredtrees。Igotupandlookedaboutme。Apathintothewoodnowshoweditself，broaderandbetterkeptthananypaththatIcouldrememberinthedaysofmyboyhood。Themoonshowedittomeplainly，andmycuriositywasaroused。
Followingthenewtrack，IfoundthatitledtoalittlegladewhichIatoncerecognized。Theplacewaschangedinonerespectonly。Aneglectedwater-springhadbeenclearedofbramblesandstones，andhadbeenprovidedwithadrinkingcup，arusticseat，andaLatinmottoonamarbleslab。Thespringatonceremindedmeofagreaterbodyofwater——ariver，atsomelittledistancefartheron，whichranbetweenthetreesononeside，andthedesolateopencountryontheother。Ascendingfromtheglade，Ifoundmyselfinoneofthenarrowwoodlandpaths，familiartomeintheby-gonetime。
Unlessmymemorywasatfault，thiswasthewaywhichledtoanoldwater-millontheriver-bank。Theimageofthegreatturningwheel，whichhalf-frightenedhalf-fascinatedmewhenIwasachild，nowpresenteditselftomymemoryforthefirsttimeafteranintervalofmanyyears。
Inmypresentframeofmind，theoldsceneappealedtomewiththeirresistibleinfluenceofanoldfriend。Isaidtomyself："ShallIwalkon，andtryifIcanfindtheriverandthemillagain？"Thisperfectlytriflingquestiontodecidepresentedtome，nevertheless，fantasticdifficultiessoabsurdthattheymighthavebeendifficultiesencounteredinadream。Tomyownastonishment，Ihesitated——walkedbackagainalongthepathbywhichIhadadvanced——reconsideredmydecision，withoutknowingwhy——andturningintheoppositedirection，setmyfacetowardstheriveroncemore。Iwonderhowmylifewouldhaveended，ifIhadgonetheotherway？
CHAPTERII
THERIVERINTRODUCESUS
IstoodaloneonthebankoftheuglieststreaminEngland。
Themoonlight，pouringitsuncloudedradianceoveropenspace，failedtothrowabeautynottheirownonthosesluggishwaters。Broadandmuddy，theirstealthycurrentflowedonwardtothesea，withoutarocktodiversify，withoutabubbletobreak，thesullensurface。OnthesidefromwhichIwaslookingattheriver，theneglectedtreesgrewsoclosetogetherthattheywereunderminingtheirownlives，andpoisoningeachother。Ontheoppositebank，arankgrowthofgiganticbulrusheshidthegroundbeyond，exceptwhereitroseinhillocks，andshoweditssurfaceofdesertsandspottedhereandtherebymeanpatchesofhealth。A
repellentriverinitself，arepellentriverinitssurroundings，arepellentrivereveninitsname。ItwascalledTheLoke。Neitherpopulartraditionnorantiquarianresearchcouldexplainwhatthenamemeant，orcouldtellwhenthenamehadbeengiven。"WecallitTheLoke;theydosaynofishcanliveinit;anditdirtiesthecleansaltwaterwhenitrunsintothesea。"Suchwasthecharacteroftheriverintheestimationofthepeoplewhoknewitbest。ButIwaspleasedtoseeTheLokeagain。
Theuglyriver，likethewoodlandglade，lookedatmewiththefaceofanoldfriend。
Onmyrighthandsiderosethevenerabletimbersofthewater-mill。
Thewheelwasmotionless，atthattimeofnight;andthewholestructurelooked——asrememberedobjectswilllook，whenweseethemagainafteralonginterval——smallerthanIhadsupposedittobe。Otherwise，Icoulddiscovernochangeinthemill。Butthewoodencottageattachedtoithadfeltthedevastatingmarchoftime。Aportionofthedecrepitbuildingstillstoodrevealedinitswretchedoldage;propped，partlybybeamswhichreachedfromthethatchedrooftotheground，andpartlybythewallofanewcottageattached，presentinginyellowbrick-workahideousmoderncontrasttoallthatwasleftofitsancientneighbor。
HadthemillerwhomIremembered，died;andwerethesechangestheworkofhissuccessor？Ithoughtofaskingthequestion，andtriedthedoor：
itwasfastened。Thewindowswerealldarkexceptingone，whichI
discoveredintheupperstorey，atthefarthersideofthenewbuilding。
Here，therewasadimlightburning。Itwasimpossibletodisturbaperson，who，forallIknewtothecontrary，mightbegoingtobed。I
turnedbacktoTheLoke，proposingtoextendmywalk，byamileoralittlemore，toavillagethatIrememberedonthebankoftheriver。
Ihadnotadvancedfar，whenthestillnessaroundmewasdisturbedbyanintermittentsoundofsplashinginthewater。Pausingtolisten，Iheardnexttheworkingofoarsintheirrowlocks。Afteranotherintervalaboatappeared，turningaprojectioninthebank，androwedbyawomanpullingsteadilyagainstthestream。
Astheboatapproachedmeinthemoonlight，thispersoncorrectedmyfirstimpression，andrevealedherselfasayounggirl。SofarasIcouldperceiveshewasastrangertome。Whocouldthegirlbe，aloneontheriveratthattimeofnight？IdlycuriousIfollowedtheboat，insteadofpursuingmywaytothevillage，toseewhethershewouldstopatthemill，orpassit。
Shestoppedatthemill，securedtheboat，andsteppedonshore。
Takingakeyfromherpocket，shewasabouttoopenthedoorofthecottage，whenIadvancedandspoketoher。Asfarfromrecognizingherasever，Ifoundmyselfneverthelessthinkingofanoddoutspokenchild，livingatthemillinpastyears，whohadbeenoneofmypoormother’sfavoritesatourvillageschool。Irantheriskofoffendingher，bybluntlyexpressingthethoughtwhichwastheninmymind。
"IsitpossiblethatyouareCristelToller？"Isaid。
Thequestionseemedtoamuseher。"Whyshouldn’tIbeCristelToller？"
sheasked。
"Youwerealittlegirl，"Iexplained，"whenIsawyoulast。Youaresoalterednow——andsoimproved——thatIshouldneverhaveguessedyoumightbethedaughterofGilesTollerofthemill，ifIhadnotseenyouopeningthecottagedoor。"
Sheacknowledgedmycomplimentbyacurtsey，whichremindedmeagainofthevillageschool。"Thankyou，youngman，"shesaidsmartly;"Iwonderwhoyouare？"
"Tryifyoucanrecollectme，"Isuggested。
"MayItakealonglookatyou？"
"Aslongasyoulike。"
Shestudiedmyface，withamentalefforttorememberme，whichgatheredherprettyeyebrowstogetherquaintlyinafrown。
"There’ssomethinginhiseyes，"sheremarked，notspeakingtomebuttoherself，"whichdoesn’tseemtobequitestrange。ButIdon’tknowhisvoice，andIdon’tknowhisbeard。"Sheconsideredalittle，andaddressedherselfdirectlytomeoncemore。"NowIlookatyouagain，youseemtobeagentleman。Areyouone？"
"Ihopeso。"
"Thenyou’renotmakinggameofme？"
"Mydear，IamonlytryingifyoucanrememberGerardRoylake。"
Whileinchargeoftheboat，themiller’sdaughterhadbeenrowingwithbaredarms;beautifulduskyarms，atoncedelicateandstrong。Thusfar，shehadforgottentocoverthemup。Themomentmentionedmyname，shestartedbackasifIhadfrightenedher——pulledhersleevesdowninahurry——andhidtheobjectsofmyadmirationasanactofhomagetomyself！Herverbalapologiesfollowed。
"Youusedtobesuchasweet-spokenprettylittleboy，"shesaid，"howshouldIknowyouagain，withabigvoiceandallthathaironyourface？"Itseemedtostrikeheronasuddenthatshehadbeentoofamiliar。"Oh，Lord，"Iheardhersaytoherself，"halfthecountybelongstohim！"Shetriedanotherapology，andhitthistimeontheconventionalform。"Ibegyourpardon，sir。Welcomebacktoyourowncountry，sir。Iwishyougood-night，sir。"
Sheattemptedtoescapeintothecottage;Ifollowedhertothethresholdofthedoor。"Surelyit’snottimetogotobedyet，"Iventuredtosay。
Shewasstillonhergoodbehaviortoherlandlord。"Notifyouobjecttoit，sir，"sheanswered。
Thisrecognitionofmyauthoritywasirresistible。CristelhadlaidmeunderanobligationtohergoodinfluenceforwhichIfeltsincerelygrateful——shehadmademelaugh，forthefirsttimesincemyreturntoEngland。
"Weneedn’tsaygood-nightjustyet，"Isuggested;"Iwanttohearalittlemoreaboutyou。ShallIcomein？"
Shesteppedoutofthedoorwayevenmorerapidlythanshehadsteppedintoit。Imighthavebeenmistaken，butIthoughtCristelseemedtobeactuallyalarmedbymyproposal。Wewalkedupanddowntheriver-bank。Oneveryoccasionwhenweapproachedthecottage，Idetectedherinstealingalookattheuglymodernpartofit。Therecouldbenomistakethistime;Isawdoubt，Isawanxietyinherface。Whatwasgoingonatthemill？Imadesomedomesticinquiries，beginningwithherfather。Wasthemilleraliveandwell？
"Ohyes，sir。Fathergetsthinnerashegetsolder——that’sall。"
"Didhesendyououtbyyourself，atthislatehour，intheboat？"
"Theywerewaitingforasackofflourdownthere，"shereplied，pointinginthedirectionoftheriver-sidevillage。"Fatherisn’tasquickasheusedtobe。He’softenlateoverhisworknow。"
WastherenoonetogiveGilesTollerthehelpthathemustneedathisage？"Doyouandyourfatherreallylivealoneinthissolitaryplace？"I
said。
Achangeofexpressionappearedinherbrightbrowneyeswhichrousedmycuriosity。Ialsoobservedthatsheevadedadirectreply。"Whatmakesyoudoubt，sir，iffatherandIlivealone？"sheasked。
Ipointedtothenewcottage。"Thatuglybuilding，"Ianswered，"seemstogiveyoumoreroomthanyouwant——unlessthereissomebodyelselivingatthemill。"
Ihadnointentionoftryingtoforcethereplyfromherwhichshehadhithertowithheld;butsheappearedtoputthatinterpretationonwhatI
hadsaid。"Ifyouwillhaveit，"sheburstout，"thereissomebodyelselivingwithus。"
"Amanwhohelpsyourfather？"
"No。Amanwhopaysmyfather’srent。"
Iwasquiteunpreparedforsuchareplyasthis：Cristelhadsurprisedme。Tobeginwith，herfatherwas"well-connected，"aswesayinEngland。
Hisyoungerbrotherhadmadeafortuneincommerce，andhadvainlyofferedhimthemeansofretiringfromthemillwithasufficientincome。
Thenagain，GilesTollerwasknowntohavesavedmoney。Hisdomesticexpensesmadenoheavydemandonhispurse;hisGermanwife（whoseChristiannamewasnowbornebyhisdaughter）haddiedlongsince;hissonswerenoburdenonhim;theyhadneverlivedatthemillinmyremembrance。Withallthesereasonsagainsthistakingastrangerintohishouse，hehadnevertheless，ifmyinterpretationofCristel’sanswerwastherightone，lethisspareroomstoalodger。"Mr。Tollercan’tpossiblybeinwantofmoney，"Isaid。
"Themoremoneyfatherhas，themorehewants。That’sthereason，"sheaddedbitterly，"whyheaskedforplentyofroomwhenthecottagewasbuilt，andwhywehavegotalodger。"
"Isthelodgeragentleman？"
"Idon’tknow。Isamanagentleman，ifhekeepsaservant？Oh，don’ttroubletothinkaboutit，sir！Itisn’tworththinkingabout。"
Thiswasplainspeakingatlast。"Youdon’tseemtolikethelodger，"I
said。
"Ihatehim！"
"Why？"
Sheturnedonmewithalookofangryamazement——notundeserved，Imustown，onmypart——whichshowedherdarkbeautyintheperfectionofitslusteranditspower。Tomyeyesshewasatthemomentirresistiblycharming。IdaresayIwasblindtothedefectsinherface。MygoodGermantutorusedtolamentthattherewastoomuchofmyboyhoodstillleftinme。Honestlyadmiringher，Iletmyfavorableopinionexpressitselfalittletooplainly。"Whatasplendidcreatureyouare！"Iburstout。Cristeldidherdutytoherselfandtome;shepassedovermylittleexplosionofnonsensewithouttakingthesmallestnoticeofit。
"MasterGerard，"shebegan——andcheckedherself。"Pleasetoexcuseme，sir;youhavesetmyheadrunningonoldtimes。WhatIwanttosayis：
youwerenotsoinquisitivewhenyouwereayounggentlemaninshortjackets。Pleasebehaveasyouusedtobehavethen，anddon’tsayanythingmoreaboutourlodger。IhatehimbecauseIhatehim。There！"
IgnorantasIwasofthenaturesofwomen，Iunderstoodheratlast。
Cristel’sopinionofthelodgerwasevidentlytheexactoppositeofthelodger’sopinionofCristel。WhenIaddthatthisdiscoverydiddecidedlyoperateasarelieftomymind，theimpressionproducedonmebythemiller’sdaughterisstatedwithoutexaggerationandwithoutreserve。
"Good-night，"sherepeated，"forthelasttime。"Iheldoutmyhand。"Isitquiteright，sir，"shemodestlyobjected，"forsuchasmetoshakehandswithsuchasyou？"
Shediditnevertheless;anddroppingmyhand，castafarewelllookatthemysteriousobjectofherinterest——thenewcottage。Hervariablehumorchangedontheinstant。Apparentlyinastateofunendurableirritation，shestampedontheground。"JustwhatIdidn’twanttohappen！"shesaidtoherself。
CHAPTERIII
HESHOWSHIMSELF
Itoo，lookedatthecottage，andmadeadiscoverythatsurprisedmeatoneoftheupperwindows。
IfIcouldbesurethatthemoonhadnotdeceivedme，themostbeautifulfacethatIhadeverseenwaslookingdownonus——anditwasthefaceofaman！BytheuncertainlightIcoulddiscerntheperfectionofforminthefeatures，andtheexpressionofpowerwhichmadeitimpossibletomistakethestrangerforawoman，althoughhishairgrewlongandhewaswithouteithermoustacheorbeard。Hewaswatchingusintently;heneithermovednorspokewhenwelookedupathim。
"Evidentlythelodger，"IwhisperedtoCristel。"Whatahandsomeman！"
Shetossedherheadcontemptuously：myexpressionofadmirationseemedtohaveirritatedher。
"Ididn’twanthimtoseeyou！"shesaid。"Thelodgerpersecutesmewithhisattentions;he’simpudentenoughtobejealousofme。"
Shespokewithoutevenattemptingtolowerhervoice。Iendeavoredtowarnher。"He’satthewindowstill，"Isaid，intonesdiscreetlylowered;"hecanheareverythingyouaresaying。"
"Notonewordofit，Mr。Gerard。"
"Whatdoyoumean？"
"Themanisdeaf。Don’tlookathimagain。Don’tspeaktomeagain。Gohome——praygohome！"
Withoutfurtherexplanation，sheabruptlyenteredthecottage，andshutthedoor。
AsIturnedintothepathwhichledthroughthewoodIheardavoicebehindme。Itsaid："Stop，sir。"Istoppeddirectly，standingintheshadowcastbytheoutermostlineoftrees，whichIhadthatmomentreached。InthemoonlightthatIhadleftbehindme，IsawagainthemanwhomIhaddiscoveredatthewindow。Hisfigure，tallandslim;hismovements，gracefulandeasy，wereinharmonywithhisbeautifulface。Heliftedhislongfinely-shapedhands，andclaspedthemwithafranticgestureofentreaty。
"ForGod’ssake，"hesaid，"don’tbeoffendedwithme！"
Hisvoicestartledmeevenmorethanhiswords;Ihadneverheardanythinglikeitbefore。Low，dull，andmuffled，itneitherrosenorfell;itspokeslowlyanddeliberately，withoutlayingtheslightestemphasisonanyoneofthewordsthatituttered。Intheastonishmentofthemoment，IforgotwhatCristelhadtoldme。IansweredhimasIshouldhaveansweredanyotherunknownpersonwhohadspokentome。
"Whatdoyouwant？"
Hishandsdropped;hisheadsunkonhisbreast。"Youarespeaking，sir，toamiserablecreaturewhocan’thearyou。Iamdeaf。"
Isteppednearertohim，intendingtoraisemyvoiceinpityforhisinfirmity。Heshuddered，andsignedtometokeepback。
"Don’tcomeclosetomyear;don’tshout。"Ashespoke，strongexcitementflashedatmeinhiseyes，withoutproducingtheslightestchangeinhisvoice。"Idon’tdeny，"heresumed，"thatIcanhearsometimeswhenpeopletakethatwaywithme。Theyhurtwhentheydoit。Theirvoicesgothroughmynervesasaknifemightgothroughmyflesh。Iliveatthemill，sir;
Ihaveagreatfavourtoask。Willyoucomeandspeaktomeinmyroom——forfiveminutesonly？"
Ihesitated。Anyothermaninmyplace，would，Ithink，havedonethesame;receivingsuchaninvitationasthisfromastranger，whosepitiableinfirmityseemedtoplacehimbeyondthepaleofsocialintercourse。
Hemusthaveguessedwhatwaspassinginmymind;hetriedmeagaininwordswhichmighthaveprovedpersuasive，hadtheybeenutteredinthecustomaryvarietyoftone。
"Ican’thelpbeingastrangertoyou;Ican’thelpbeingdeaf。You’reayoungman。Youlookmoremercifulandmorepatientthanyoungmeningeneral。Won’tyouhearwhatIhavetosay？Won’tyoutellmewhatIwanttoknow？"
Howwerewetocommunicate？DidhebyanychancesupposethatIhadlearntthefingeralphabet？Itouchedmyfingersandshookmyhead，asameansofdissipatinghisdelusion，ifitexisted。
Heinstantlyunderstoodme。
"Evenifyouknewthefingeralphabet，"hesaid，"itwouldbeofnouse。
Ihavebeentoomiserabletolearnit——mydeafnessonlycameonmealittlemorethanayearsince。PardonmeifIamobligedtogiveyoutrouble——IaskpersonswhopitymetowritetheiranswerswhenIspeaktothem。Cometomyroom，andyouwillfindwhatyouwant——acandletowriteby。"
Washiswill，ascomparedwithmine，thestrongerwillofthetwo？Andwasithelped（insensiblytomyself）byhisadvantagesofpersonalappearance？Icanonlyconfessthathisapologypresentedapictureofmiserytomymind，whichshookmyresolutiontorefusehim。Hisreadypenetrationdiscoveredthischangeinhisfavour：heatoncetookadvantageofit。"FiveminutesofyourtimeisallIaskfor，"hesaid。
"Won’tyouindulgeamanwhoseeshisfellow-creaturesalltalkinghappilyroundhim，andfeelsdeadandburiedamongthem？"
Theveryexaggerationofhislanguagehaditseffectonmymind。Itrevealedtomethehorribleisolationamonghumanityofthedeaf，asI
hadneverunderstoodityet。Discretionis，Iamsorrytosay，notoneofthestrongpointsinmycharacter。Icommittedonemoreamongthemanyfoolishactionsofmylife;Isignedtothestrangertoleadthewaybacktothemill。
CHAPTERIV
HEEXPLAINSHIMSELF
GilesToller’smiserlynaturehadofferedtohislodgershelterfromwindandrain，andthefurnitureabsolutelynecessarytomakeabedroomhabitable——andnothingmore。Therewasnocarpetonthefloor，nopaperonthewalls，noceilingtohidetheraftersoftheroof。ThechairthatIsatonwastheonechairintheroom;themanwhoseguestIhadrashlyconsentedtobefoundaseatonhisbed。UponhistableIsawpensandpencils，paperandink，andabatteredbrasscandlestickwithacommontallowcandleinit。Hischangesofclothingwereflungonthebed;hismoneywasleftontheunpaintedwoodenchimney-piece;hiswretchedlittlemorseloflooking-glass（proppedupnearthemoney）hadbeenturnedwithitsfacetothewall。Heperceivedthattheoddpositionofthislastobjecthadattractedmynotice。
"VanityandIhavepartedcompany，"heexplained;"IshrinkfrommyselfwhenIlookatmyselfnow。Theugliestmanliving——ifhehasgothishearing——isamoreagreeablemaninsocietythanIam。Doesthiswretchedplacedisgustyou？"
Hepushedapencilandsomesheetsofwriting-paperacrossthetabletome。Iwrotemyreply："Theplacemakesmesorryforyou。"
Heshookhishead。"Yoursympathyisthrownawayonme。Amanwhohaslosthissocialrelationswithhisfellow-creaturesdoesn’tcarehowhelodgesorwherehelives。Whenhehasfoundsolitude，hehasfoundallhewantsfortherestofhisdays。Shallweintroduceourselves？Itwon’tbeeasyformetosettheexample。"
Iusedthepencilagain："Whynot？"
"Becauseyouwillexpectmetogiveyoumyname。Ican’tdoit。Ihaveceasedtobearmyfamilyname;and，beingoutofsociety，whatneedhaveIforanassumedname？AsformyChristianname，it’ssodetestablyuglythatIhatethesightandsoundofit。Here，theyknowmeasTheLodger。
Willyouhavethat？orwillyouhaveanappropriatenick-name？Icomeofamixedbreed;andI’mlikely，afterwhathashappenedtome，toturnoutaworthlessfellow。CallmeTheCur。Oh，youneedn’tstart！that’sasaccurateadescriptionofmeasanyother。What’s_your_name？"
Iwroteitforhim。HisfacedarkenedwhenhefoundoutwhoIwas。
"Young，personallyattractive，andagreatlandowner，"hesaid。IsawyoujustnowtalkingfamiliarlywithCristelToller。Ididn’tlikethatatthetime;Ilikeitlessthanevernow。"
Mypencilaskedhim，withoutceremony，whathemeant。
Hewasreadywithhisreply。"Imeanthis：youowesomethingtothegoodluckwhichhasplacedyouwhereyouare。Keepyourfamiliarityforladiesinyourownrankoflife。"
This（toayoungmanlikeme）wasunendurableinsolence。Ihadhithertorefrainedfromtakinghimathisownbitterwordinthematterofnick-name。Intheirritationofthemoment，Inowfirstresolvedtoadopthissuggestionseriously。ThenextslipofpaperthatIhandedtohimadministeredthesmartestrebuffthatmydullbrainscoulddiscoveronthespurofthemoment："TheCurisrequestedtokeephisadvicetillheisaskedforit。"
Forthefirsttime，somethinglikeasmileshoweditselffaintlyonhislips——andrepresentedtheonlyeffectwhichmyseverityhadproduced。Hestillfollowedhisowntrainofthought，asresolutelyandasimpertinentlyasever。
"Ihaven’tseenyoutalkingtoCristelbeforeto-night。Haveyoubeenmeetingherinsecret？"
Injusticetothegirl，IfeltthatIoughttosethimright，sofar。
Takingupthepencilagain，ItoldthisstrangemanthatIhadjustreturnedtoEngland，afteranabsenceofmanyyearsinforeigncountries——thatIhadknownCristelwhenwewerebothchildren——andthatIhadmetherpurelybyaccident，whenhehaddetectedustalkingoutsidethecottage。Seeingmepause，afteradvancingtothatpointinthewritingofmyreply，heheldouthishandimpatientlyforthepaper。I
signedhimtowait，andaddedalastsentence："Understandthis;Iwillanswernomorequestions——Ihavedonewiththesubject。"
HereadwhatIhadwrittenwiththeclosestattention。Buthisinveteratesuspicionofmewasnotsetatrest，evenyet。
"Areyoulikelytocomethiswayagain？"heasked。
Ipointedtothefinallinesofmywriting，andgotuptogo。
Thisassertionofmywillagainsthisrousedhim。Hestoppedmeatthedoor——notbyamotionofhishandbutbythemasteryofhislook。Thedimcandlelightaffordedmenohelpindeterminingthecolorofhiseyes。
Dark，large，andfinelysetinhishead，therewasasinisterpassioninthem，atthatmoment，whichheldmeinspiteofmyself。Stillasmonotonousasever，hisvoiceinsomedegreeexpressedthefrenzythatwasinhim，bysuddenlyrisinginitspitchwhenhespoketomenext。
"Mr。Roylake，Iloveher。Mr。Roylake，Iamdeterminedtomarryher。Anymanwhocomesbetweenmeandthatcruelgirl——ah，she’sashardasoneofherfather’smillstones;it’sthemiseryofmylife，it’sthejoyofmylife，toloveher——Itellyou，youngsir，anymanwhocomesbetweenCristelandmedoesitathisperil。Rememberthat。"
Ihadnowishtogiveoffence——buthisthreateningmeinthismannerwassoabsurdthatIgavewaytotheimpressionofthemoment，andlaughed。
Hesteppeduptome，withsuchanexpressionofdemoniacalrageandhatredinhisfacethathebecameabsolutelyuglyinaninstant。
"Iamuseyou，doI？"hesaid。"Youdon’tknowthemanyou’retriflingwith。Youhadbetterknowme。You_shall_knowme。"Heturnedaway，andwalkedupanddownthewretchedlittleroom，deepinthought。"Idon’twantthismatterbetweenustoendbadly，"hesaid，interruptinghismeditations——thenreturningtothemagain——andthenoncemoreaddressingme。"You’reyoung，you’rethoughtless;butyoudon’tlooklikeabadfellow。IwonderwhetherIcantrustyou？Notonemaninathousandwoulddoit。Nevermind。I’mtheonemanintenthousandwhodoesit。Mr。
GerardRoylake，I’mgoingtotrustyou。"
Withthisincoherentexpressionofaresolutionunknowntome，heunlockedashabbytrunkhiddeninacorner，andtookfromitasmallportfolio。
"Menofyourage，"heresumed，"seldomlookbelowthesurface。Learnthatvaluablehabit，sir——andbeginbylookingbelowthesurfaceofMe。"Heforcedtheportfoliointomyhand。Oncemore，hisbeautifuleyesheldmewiththeirirresistibleinfluence;theylookedatmewithanexpressionofsadandsolemnwarning。"Discoverforyourself，"hesaid，"whatdevilsmydeafnesshassetlooseinme;andletnoeyesbutyoursseethathorridsight。Youwillfindmeheretomorrow，andyouwilldecidebythattimewhetheryoumakeanenemyofmeornot。"
Hethrewopenthedoor，andbowedasgraciouslyasifhehadbeenasovereigndismissingasubject。
Washemad？
Ihesitatedtoadoptthatconclusion。Thereisnodenyingit，thedeafmanhadfoundhisownstrangeandtortuouswaytomyinterest，inspiteofmyself。Imightevenhavebeeninsomedangerofallowinghimtomakeafriendofme，ifIhadnotbeenrestrainedbythefearsforCristelwhichhislanguageandhismanneramplyjustified，tomymind。AlthoughI
wasfarfromforeseeingthecatastrophethatreallydidhappen，IfeltthatIhadreturnedtomyowncountryatacriticaltimeinthelifeofthemiller’sdaughter。MyfriendlyinterferencemightbeofseriousimportancetoCristel’speaceofmind——perhapseventoherpersonalsafetyaswell。
Eagertodiscoverwhatthecontentsoftheportfoliomighttellme，I
hurriedbacktoTrimleyDeen。Mystepmotherhadnotyetreturnedfromthedinner-party。Asoneoftheresultsofmytenyears’banishmentfromhome，Iwasobligedtoasktheservanttoshowmethewaytomyownroom，inmyownhouse！ThewindowslookedoutonaviewofFordwitchWood。AsI
openedtheleaveswhichweretorevealtomethesecretsoulofthemanwhomIhadsostrangelymet，thefadingmoonlightvanished，andthedistanttreeswerelostinthegloomofastarlessnight。
CHAPTERV
HEBETRAYSHIMSELF
Theconfessionwasentitled，"MemoirsofaMiserableMan。"Itbeganabruptlyinthesewords：
I
"Iacknowledge，attheoutset，thatmisfortunehashadaneffectonmewhichfrailhumanityisforthemostpartanxioustoconceal。Undertheinfluenceofsuffering，Ihavebecomeofenormousimportancetomyself。
Inthisframeofmind，Inaturallyenjoypaintingmyownportraitinwords。Letmeaddthattheymustbewrittenwordsbecauseitisapainfulefforttome（sinceIlostmyhearing）tospeaktoanyonecontinuously，foranylengthoftime。
"IhavealsotoconfessthatmybrainsarenotsocompletelyundermyowncommandasIcouldwish。
"Forinstance，Ipossessconsiderableskill（foranamateur）asapainterinwatercolors。ButIcanonlyproduceaworkofart，whenirresistibleimpulseurgesmetoexpressmythoughtsinformandcolor。Thesameobstacletoregularexertionstandsinmyway，ifIamusingmypen。I
canonlywritewhenthefittakesme——sometimesatnightwhenIoughttobeasleep;sometimesatmealswhenIoughttobehandlingmyknifeandfork;sometimesoutofdoorswhenImeetwithinquisitivestrangerswhostareatme。Asforpaper，thefirststraymorselofanythingthatIcanwriteuponwilldo，providedIsnatchitupintimetocatchmyideasastheyfly。
"Mymethodbeingnowexplained，Iproceedtothedeliberateactofself-betrayalwhichIcontemplateinproducingthispictureofmyself。
II
"IdividemylifeintotwoEpochs——respectivelyentitled：BeforemyDeafness，andAftermyDeafness。Or，supposeIdefinethemelancholychangeinmyfortunesmoresharplystill，bycontrastingwitheachothermydaysofprosperityandmydaysofdisaster？Ofthesealternatives，I
hardlyknowwhichtochoose。Itdoesn’tmatter;theonethingneedfulistogoon。
"Inanycase，then，IhavetorecordthatIpassedahappychildhood——thankstomygoodmother。Hergenerousnaturehadknownadversity，andhadnotbeendeterioratedbyundeservedtrials。Bornofslave-parents，shehadnotreachedhereighteenthyear，whenshewassoldbyauctionintheSouthernStatesofAmerica。Thepersonwhoboughther（sheneverwouldtellmewhohewas）freedherbyacodicil，addedtohiswillonhisdeathbed。Myfathermetwithher，afewyearsafterwards，inAmericansociety——fell（asIhaveheard）madlyinlovewithher——andmarriedherindefianceofthewishesofhisfamily。Hewasquiteright：
nobetterwifeandmothereverlived。TheonevestigeofgoodfeelingthatIstillpossess，livesinmyemptyheartwhenIdwellattimesonthememoryofmymother。
"MygoodfortunefollowedmewhenIwassenttoschool。
"OurheadmasterwasmorenearlyaperfecthumanbeingthananyothermanthatIhaveevermetwith。Eventheworst-temperedboysamongusendedinlovinghim。Underhisencouragement，andespeciallytopleasehim，Iwoneveryprizethatindustry，intelligence，andgoodconductcouldobtain;
andIrose，atanunusuallyearlyage，tobetheheadboyinthefirstclass。WhenIwasoldenoughtoberemovedtotheUniversity，andwhenthedreadfuldayofpartingarrived，Ifaintedundertheagonyofleavingtheteacher——no！thedearfriend——whomIdevotedlyloved。Theremustsurelyhavebeensomegoodinmeatthattime。Whathasbecomeofitnow？
"Theyearsfollowedeachother——andIwasFortune’sspoiltchildstill。
"Underadversecircumstances，mysociabledisposition，mydelightinthesocietyofyoungpeopleofmyownage，mighthaveexposedmetoseriousdangersinmynewsphereofaction。Happilyforme，myfatherconsultedawisefriend，beforehesentmetoCambridge。Iwasenteredatoneofthesmallercolleges;andIfell，atstarting，amongtherightsetofmen。
Goodexampleswereallroundme。Weformedalittleclubofsteadystudents;ourpleasureswereinnocent;weweretooproudandtoopoortogetintodebt。IlookbackonmycareeratCambridge，asIlookbackonmycareeratschool，andwonderwhathasbecomeofmybetterself。
III
"DuringmylastyearatCambridge，myfatherdied。
"TheprofessionwhichhehadintendedthatIshouldfollowwastheBar。I
believedmyselftobequiteunfitforthesortoftrainingimperativelyrequiredbytheLaw;andmymotheragreedwithme。WhenIlefttheUniversity，myownchoiceofaprofessionpointedtothemedicalart，andtothatparticularbranchofitcalledsurgery。AfterthreeyearsofunremittingstudyatoneofthegreatLondonhospitals，Istartedinpracticeformyself。Oncemore，mypersistentluckwasfaithfultomeattheoutsetofmynewcareer。
"Thewinterofthatyearwasremarkableforalternateextremesoffrostandthaw。Accidentstopassengersinthestreetswerenumerous;andoneofthemhappenedclosetomyowndoor。Agentlemanslippedontheicypavement，andbrokehisleg。Onsendingnewsoftheaccidenttohishouse，Ifoundthatmychance-patientwasanobleman。
"Mylordwassowellsatisfiedwithmyservicesthatherefusedtobeattendedbyanyofmyeldersandbettersintheprofession。LittledidI
thinkatthetime，thatIhadreceivedthelastofthefavourswhichFortunewastobestowonme。Ienjoyedtheconfidenceandgoodwillofamanpossessingboundlesssocialinfluence;andIwasreceivedmostkindlybytheladiesofhisfamily。Inoneword，atthetimewhenmyprofessionalprospectsjustifiedthebrightesthopesthatIcouldform，suddendeathdeprivedmeofthedearestandtruestofallfriends——I
sufferedtheonedreadfullosswhichitisimpossibletoreplace，thelossofmymother。Wehadpartedatnightwhenshewas，toallappearance，intheenjoymentofhercustomaryhealth。Thenextmorning，shewasfounddeadinherbed。
IV
"Keenobservers，whoreadtheselines，willremarkthatIhavesaidnothingaboutthemalemembersofmyfamily，andthatIhaveevenpassedovermyfatherwiththebriefestpossibleallusiontohisdeath。
"Thiscuriousreticenceonmypart，issimplyattributabletopureignorance。Untilafflictionlayheavyonme，myfather，myuncle，andmygrandfatherwerehardlybetterknowntome，intheirtruecharacters，thaniftheyhadbeenstrangerspassinginthestreet。HowIcontrivedtobecomemoreintimatelyacquaintedwithmyancestors，Iamnowtoreveal。
"Intheabsenceofanyinstructionstoguideme，aftermymother’sdeath，Iwaslefttousemyowndiscretioninexaminingthepaperswhichshehadleftbehindher。Readingherletterscarefully，beforeIdecidedwhattokeepandwhattodestroy，Idiscoveredapacket，protectedbyanunbrokenseal，andbearinganinscription，addressedabruptlytomymotherinthesewords：
’Forfearofaccidents，mydear，wewillmentionnonamesinthisplace。
Thesightofmyhandwritingwillremindyouofmydevotiontoyourinterestsinthepast，andwillsatisfyyouthatIamtobetrustedintheservicethatInowoffertomygoodsister-friend。Inthefewestwords，letmetellyouthatIhaveheardofthecircumstancesunderwhichyourmarriagehastakenplace。Youroriginhasunfortunatelybecomeknowntothemembersofyourhusband’sfamily;theirpridehasbeendeeplywounded;andthewomenespeciallyregardyouwithfeelingsofmalignanthatred。Ihavegoodreasonforfearingthattheymaytrytoexcusetheirinhumanwayofspeakingofyou，bymakingpublicthecalamityofyourslave-birth。Whatdeplorableinfluencemightbeexercisedonyourhusband’smind，bysuchanexposureasthis，Iwillnotstoptoinquire。
ItwillbemoretothepurposetosaythatIamabletoofferyouasuremeansofprotectingyourself——throughinformationwhichIhaveunexpectedlyobtained，andthesourceofwhichIamobligedtokeepsecret。Ifyouareeverthreatenedbyyourenemies，openthepacketwhichIhavenowsealedup，andyouwillcommandthesilenceofthebitterestmanorwomanwholongstoinjureyou。Imayaddthatabsoluteproofaccompanieseveryassertionwhichmypacketcontains。Keepitcarefully，aslongasyoulive——andGodgrantyoumayneverhaveoccasiontobreaktheseal。’
"Suchwastheinscription;copiedexactly，wordforword。
"Icannotevenguesswhomymother’sdevotedfriendmayhavebeen。
NeithercanIdoubtthatshewouldhavedestroyedthepacket，butforthecircumstanceofhersuddendeath。
"Afterhesitatingalittle——Ihardlyknowwhy——Isummonedmyresolution，andbroketheseal。OfthehorrorwithwhichIreadthecontentsofthepacketIshallsaynothing。Whoeveryetsympathizedwiththesorrowsandsufferingsofstrangers？LetmemerelyannouncethatIknewmyancestorsatlast，andthatIamnowabletopresentthemintheirtruecharacters，asfollows：
V
"Mygrandfatherwastriedonachargeofcommittingwillfulmurder——wasfoundguiltyontheclearestevidence——anddiedonthescaffoldbythehangman’shands。
"Histwosonsabandonedthefamilyname，andleftthefamilyresidence。
Theywere，nevertheless，notunworthyrepresentativesoftheiratrociousfather，aswillpresentlyappear。
"Myuncle（acaptainintheArmy）wasdiscoveredatthehazardtable，playingwithloadeddice。Beforethisabjectscoundrelcouldbeturnedoutofhisregiment，hewaskilledinaduelbyoneofhisbrotherofficerswhomhehadcheated。
"Myfather，whenhewaslittlemorethanalad，desertedapoorgirlwhohadtrustedhimunderapromiseofmarriage。Friendlessandhopeless，shedrownedherselfandherchild。Hiswasthemostinfamousinthelistofthefamilycrimes——andheescaped，withoutansweringtoacourtoflaworacourtofhonorforwhathehaddone。
"Someofuscomeofonebreed，andsomeofanother。ThereisthebreedfromwhichIdrewthebreathoflife。Whatdoyouthinkofmenow？
VI
"Ilookedbackoverthepastyearsofmyexistence，fromthetimeofmyearliestrecollectionstothemiserabledaywhenIopenedthesealedpacket。
"Whatwholesomeinfluenceshadpreservedme，sofar，frommoralcontaminationbythevilebloodthatraninmyveins？Thereweretwoanswerstothatquestionwhich，insomedegree，quietedmymind。Inthefirstplace，resemblingmygoodmotherphysically，Imighthopetohaveresembledhermorally。Inthesecondplace，thehappyaccidentsofmycareerhadpreservedmefromtemptation，atmorethanonecriticalperiodofmylife。Ontheotherhand，intheordinarycourseofnature，notonehalfofthatlifehadyetelapsed。Whattrialsmightthefuturehaveinstoreforme？andwhatprotectionagainstthemwouldthebetterpartofmynaturebepowerfulenoughtoafford？
"WhileIwasstilltroubledbythesedoubts，themeasureofmydisasterswasfilledbyanattackofillnesswhichthreatenedmewithdeath。Mymedicaladviserssucceededinsavingmylife——andleftmetopaythepenaltyoftheirtriumphbythelossofoneofmysenses。
"Atanearlyperiodofmyconvalescence，Inoticedoneday，withlanguidsurprise，thatthevoicesofthedoctors，whentheyaskedmehowIhadsleptandifIfeltbetter，soundedsingularlydullanddistant。Afewhourslater，Iobservedthattheystoopedcloseovermewhentheyhadsomethingimportanttosay。Onthesameevening，mydaynurseandmynightnursehappenedtobeintheroomtogether。Tomysurprise，theyhadbecomesowonderfullyquietintheirmovements，thattheyopenedthedoororstirredthefire，withoutmakingtheslightestnoise。Iintendedtoaskthemwhatitmeant;Ihadevenbeguntoputthequestion，whenIwasstartledbyanotherdiscoveryrelatingthistimetomyself。IwascertainthatIhadspoken——andyet，Ihadnotheardmyselfspeak！Aswellasmyweaknesswouldletme，Icalledtothenursesinmyloudesttones。"Hasanythinghappenedtomyvoice？"Iasked。Thetwowomenconsultedtogether，lookingatmewithpityintheireyes。Oneofthemtooktheresponsibilityonherself。Sheputherlipsclosetomyear;thehorridwordsstruckmewithasenseofphysicalpain：’Yourillnesshasleftyouinasadstate，sir。Youaredeaf。’
VII
"AssoonasIwasabletoleavemybed，well-meaningpeople，inandoutofthemedicalprofession，combinedtotormentmewiththebestintentions。
"Onefamousauralsurgeonafteranothercametome，andquotedhisexperienceofcases，inwhichthediseasethathadstruckmedownhadaffectedthesenseofhearinginotherunhappypersons：theyhadsubmittedtosurgicaltreatment，generallywithcheeringresults。I
submittedinmyturn。Allthatskillcoulddoformewasdone，andwithouteffect。Mydeafnesssteadilyincreased;mycasewaspronouncedtobehopeless;thegreatauthoritiesretired。
"Judiciousfriends，whohadbeenwaitingfortheiropportunity，undertookthemoralmanagementofmenext。
"Iwasadvisedtocultivatecheerfulness，togointosociety，toencouragekindpeoplewhotriedtomakemehearwhatwasgoingon，tobeonmyguardagainstmorbiddepression，tocheckmyselfwhenthesenseofmyownhorribleisolationdrovemeawaytomyroom，and，lastbutbynomeansleast，tobewareoflettingmyvanitydisinclinemetouseanear-trumpet。
"Ididmybest，honestlydidmybest，toprofitbythesuggestionsthatwereofferedtome——notbecauseIbelievedinthewisdomofmyfriends，butbecauseIdreadedtheeffectofself-imposedsolitudeonmynature。
SincethefataldaywhenIhadopenedthesealedpacket，Iwasonmyguardagainsttheinheritedevillyingdormant，forallIknewtothecontrary，inmyfather’sson。Impelledbythathorriddread，IsufferedmydailymartyrdomwithacouragethatastonishesmewhenIthinkofitnow。
"Whattheself-inflictedtortureofthedeafis，nonebutthedeafcanunderstand。
"Whenbenevolentpersonsdidtheirbesttocommunicatetomewhatwascleveroramusing，whileconversationwasgoingoninmypresence，Iwassecretlyangrywiththemformakingmyinfirmityconspicuous，anddirectingthegeneralattentiontome。WhenotherfriendssawinmyfacethatIwasnotgratefultothem，andgaveuptheattempttohelpme，I
suspectedthemoftalkingofmecontemptuously，andamusingthemselvesbymakingmymisfortunethesubjectofcoarsejokes。
"EvenwhenIdeservedencouragementbyhonestlytryingtoatoneformybadbehavior，Icommittedmistakes（arisingoutofmyhelplessposition）
whichprejudicedpeopleagainstme。Sometimes，Iaskedquestionswhichappearedtobesotrivial，toladiesandgentlemenhappyinthepossessionofasenseofhearing，thattheyevidentlythoughtmeimbecileaswellasdeaf。Sometimes，seeingthecompanyenjoyinganinterestingstoryoragoodjoke，Iignorantlyappealedtothemostincompetentpersonpresenttotellmewhathadbeensaid——withthisresult，thathelostthethreadofthestoryormissedthepointofthejoke，andblamedmyunluckyinterferenceasthecauseofit。
"Thesemortifications，andmanymore，Isufferedpatientlyuntil，littlebylittle，mylastreservesofendurancefeltthecruelstrainonthem，andfailedme。Myfriendsdetectedachangeinmymannerwhichalarmedthem。TheytookmeawayfromLondon，totrytherenovatingpurityofcountryair。
"Sofarasanycurativeinfluenceoverthestateofmymindwasconcerned，theexperimentprovedtobeafailure。
"Ihadsecretlyarrivedattheconclusionthatmydeafnesswasincreasing，andthatmyfriendsknewitandwereconcealingitfromme。
Determinedtoputmysuspicionstothetest，Itooklongsolitarywalksintheneighborhoodofmycountryhome，andtriedtohearthenewsoundsaboutme。Iwasdeaftoeverything——withtheoneexceptionofthemusicofthebirds。
"HowlongdidIhearthelittlecheeringsongsterswhocomfortedme？
"Iamunabletomeasuretheintervalthatelapsed：mymemoryfailsme。I
onlyknowthatthetimecame，whenIcouldseetheskylarkintheheavens，butcouldnolongerhearitsjoyousnotes。Inafewweeksmorethenightingale，andeventheloudthrush，becamesilentbirdstomydoomedears。Mylastefforttoresistmyowndeafnesswasmadeatmybedroomwindow。ForsometimeIstillheard，faintlyandmorefaintly，theshrilltwitteringjustaboveme，undertheeavesofthehouse。Whenthislastpoorenjoymentcametoanend——whenIlistenedeagerly，desperately，andheardnothing（thinkofit，_nothing！_）——Igaveupthestruggle。Persuasions，arguments，entreatieswereentirelywithouteffectonme。Recklesswhatcameofit，Iretiredtotheonefitplaceforme——tothesolitudeinwhichIhaveburiedmyselfeversince。
VIII
"Withsomedifficulty，Idiscoveredthelonelyhabitationofwhichwasinsearch。
"Nolanguagecandescribetheheavenlycomposureofmindthatcametome，whenIfirstfoundmyselfalone;livingthedeath-in-lifeofdeafness，apartfromcreatures——nolongermyfellow-creatures——whocouldhear：
apartalsofromthoseprivilegedvictimsofhystericalimpulse，whowrotemelove-letters，andofferedtoconsolethe’poorbeautifuldeafman’bymarryinghim。ThroughthedistortingmediumofsuchsufferingsasIhavedescribed，womenandmen——evenyoungwomen——wererepellenttomealike。
Ungratefullyimpatientoftheadmirationexcitedbymypersonaladvantages，savagelyirritatedbytenderlooksandflatteringcompliments，Ionlyconsentedtakelodgings，onconditionthatthereshouldbenoyoungwomenlivingunderthesameroofwithme。Ifthisconfessionofmorbidfeelinglookslikevanity，Icanonlysaythatappearanceslie。Iwriteinsobersadness;determinedtopresentmycharacter，withphotographicaccuracy，asatruelikeness。
"Whatweremyhabitsinsolitude？HowdidIgetthroughthewearyandwakefulhoursoftheday？
"Livingbymyself，Ibecame（asIhavealreadyacknowledged）importanttomyself——and，asanecessaryconsequence，Ienjoyedregisteringmyowndailydoings。LetpassagescopiedfrommyjournalrevealhowIgotthroughtheday。
IX
EXTRACTSFROMADEAFMAN’SDIARY
"Monday。——SixweekstodaysinceIfirstoccupiedmypresentretreat。
"Mylandlordandlandladyaretwohideousoldpeople。Theylookasiftheydislikedme，ontherareoccasionswhenwemeet。Somuchthebetter;
theydon’tremindmeofmydeafnessbytryingtotalk，andtheykeepasmuchaspossibleoutofmyway。Thismorning，afterbreakfast，Ialteredthearrangementofmybooks——andthenImademyfourthattempt，inthelasttendays，toreadsomeofmyfavoriteauthors。No：mytastehasapparentlychangedsincethetimewhenIcouldhear。Iclosedonevolumeafteranother;caringnothingforwhatusedtobedeeplyinterestingtome。
"Recklessandsavage——withaburningheadandacoldheart——Iwentouttolookaboutme。
"Aftertwohoursofwalkingandthinking，IfoundthatIhadwanderedtoourcountytown。TherainbegantofallheavilyjustasIhappenedtobepassingabookseller’sshop。Aftersomehesitation——forIhateexposingmydeafnesstostrangers——Iaskedleavetotakeshelter，andlookedatthebooks。
"AmongthemwasacollectionofcelebratedTrials。Ithoughtofmygrandfather;consultedtheindex;and，findinghisnamethere，boughtthework。Theshopman（asIcouldguessfromhisactionsandlooks）proposedsendingtheparceltome。Iinsistedontakingitaway。Theskyhadcleared;andIwaseagertoreadthedetailsofmygrandfather’scrime。
"Tuesday——Satuplatelastnight，readingmynewbook。Myfavoritepoets，novelists，andhistorianshavefailedtointerestme。IdevouredtheTrialswithbreathlessdelight;beginningofcoursewiththemurderinwhichIfeltafamilyinterest。Preparedtofindmygrandfatheraruffian，IconfessIwassurprisedbythediscoverythathewasalsoafool。Theofficersofjusticehadnomeritintracingthecrimetohim;
hisownstupiditydeliveredhimintotheirhands。Ireadtheevidencetwiceover，andputmyselfinhisposition，andsawthemeansplainlybywhichhemighthavesetdiscoveryatdefiance。
"InthePrefacetotheTrialsIfoundanallusion，intermsofpraise，toaworkofthesamekind，publishedintheFrenchlanguage。IwrotetoLondonatonce，andorderedthebook。
"Wednesday。——Istheresomemysteriousinfluence，inthesilentsolitudeofmylife，thatishardeningmynature？Istheresomethingunnaturalintheexistenceofamanwhoneverhearsasound？Isthereamoralsensethatsufferswhenabodilysenseislost？
"Thesequestionshavebeensuggestedtomebyanincidentthathappenedthismorning。
"Lookingoutofwindow，Isawabrutalcarter，ontheroadbeforethehouse，beatinganover-loadedhorse。AyearsinceIshouldhaveinterferedtoprotectthehorse，withoutamoment’shesitation。Ifthewretchhadbeeninsolent，Ishouldhaveseizedhiswhip，andappliedtheheavyhandleofittohisownshoulders。Inpastdays，Ihavebeenmorethanoncefinedbyamagistrate（privatelyinsympathywithmyoffence）
forassaultscommittedbymeintheinterestsofhelplessanimals。WhatdidIfeelnow？Nothingbutaselfishsenseofuneasiness，athavingbeenaccidentallywitnessofanactwhichdisturbedmycomposure。Iturnedaway，regrettingthatIhadgonetothewindowandlookedout。
"Thiswasnotanagreeabletrainofthoughttofollow。WhatcouldIdo？I
wasansweredbytheimpulsewhichcommandsmetopaint。
"Isharpenedmypencils，andopenedmyboxofcolors，anddeterminedtoproduceaworkofart。Tomyastonishment，thebrutalfigureofthecarterforceditswayintomymemoryagainandagain。It（withoutintheleastknowingwhy）asiftheonechanceofgettingridofthiscuriousincubus，wastoputthepersistentimageofthemanonpaper。Itwasdonemechanically，andyetdonesowell，thatIwasencouragedtoaddtothepicture。Iputinnextthepoorbeatenhorse（anothergoodlikeness！）;
andthenIintroducedalife-likeportraitofmyself，givingthemanthesoundthrashingthathehaddeserved。Strangetosay，thisrepresentationofwhatIoughttohavedone，relievedmymindasifIhadactuallydoneit。Ilookedatthepre-eminentfigureofmyself，andfeltgood，andturnedtomyTrials，andreadthemoveragain，andlikedthembetterthanever。
"Thursday。——Thebooksellerhasfoundasecond-handcopyoftheFrenchTrials，andhassentthemtome（asheexpressesit）’onapproval’。
"Imorethanapprove——Iadmire;andImorethanadmire——Iimitate。Thesecriminalstoriesaretoldwithadramaticpower，whichhasimpelledmetotryifIcanrivalthecleverFrenchnarrative。Ifoundapromisingsubjectbyputtingmyselfinmygrandfather’splace，andtracingthemeansbywhichithadoccurredtomethathemighthaveescapedthediscoveryofhiscrime。
"Icannotrememberhavingreadanynovelwithatenthpartoftheinterestthatabsorbedme，inconstructingmyimaginarytrainofcircumstances。Socompletelydidtherealityofthenarrativeimpressitselfonmymind，thatIfeltasifthemurderthatIwasrelatinghadbeenacrimecommittedbymyself。Itwasmyowningenuitythathidthedeadbody，andremovedthetracesofblood——andmyownself-controlthatpresentedmeasaninnocentperson，whenthevictimwasmissing，andI
wasasked（amongotherrespectablepeople）tosaywhetherIthoughthewaslivingordead。
"Awholeweekhaspassed——andhasbeenoccupiedbymynewliterarypursuit。
"MyinexhaustibleimaginationinventsplotsandconspiraciesofwhichI
amthehappyhero。Isettrapswhichinvariablycatchmyenemies。Iplacemyselfinpositionswhichareentirelynewtome。Yesterday，forinstance，Iinventedamethodofspiritingawayayoungperson，whosedisappearancewasofconsiderableimportanceunderthecircumstances，andsucceededincompletelybewilderingherfather，herfriends，andthepolice：notatraceofhercouldtheyfind。IfIeverhaveoccasiontodo，inreality，whatIonlysupposemyselftodointheseexercisesofingenuity，whatadangerousmanImayyetprovetobe！
"Thismorning，Irose，planningtoamusemyselfwithanewnarrative，whentheidealworldinwhichIamnowliving，becameaworldannihilatedbycollisionwiththesordidinterestsofreallife。
"Inplainerwords，Ireceivedawrittenmessagefrommylandlordwhichhasannoyedme——andnotwithoutgoodcause。Thistiresomepersonfindshimselfunexpectedlyobligedtogiveuppossessionofhishouse。Thecircumstancesarenotworthrelating。Theresultisimportant——Iamcompelledtofindnewlodgings。WhereamItogo？
"Ileftittochance。Thatistosay，Ilookedattherailwaytime-table，andtookaticketforthefirstplace，ofwhichthenamehappenedtocatchmyeye。Arrivedatmydestination，Ifoundmyselfinadirtymanufacturingtown，withanuglyriverrunningthroughit。
"Afteralittlereflection，Iturnedmybackonthetown，andfollowedthecourseoftheriver，insearchofshelterandsolitudeononeortheotherofitsbanks。Anhourofwalkingbroughtmetoanodd-lookingcottage，halfoldandhalfnew，attachedtoawater-mill。Abillinoneofthewindowsannouncedthatroomsweretobelet;andalookroundrevealedathickwoodonmylefthand，andawildernessofsandandheathonmyright。Sofarasappearanceswent，herewastheveryplaceforme。
"Iknockedatthedoor，andwasadmittedbyalittleleansly-lookingoldman。Heshowedmetherooms——oneformyself，andoneformyservant。
Wretchedastheywere，thelonelinessofthesituationrecommendedthemtome。Imadenoobjections;andIconsentedtopaytherentthatwasasked。Theonethingthatremainedtobedone，intheinterestsofmytranquillity，wastoascertainifanyotherpersonslivedthecottagebesidesmynewlandlord。Hewrotehisanswertothequestion：’Nobodybutmydaughter。’Withseriousmisgivings，Iinquiredifhisdaughterwasyoung。Hewrotetwofatalfigures：’18’。
"Herewasadiscoverywhichdisarrangedallmyplans，justasIhadformedthem！Theprospectofhavingagirlinthehouse，attheageassociatedwithmylatedisagreeableexperienceofthesensitivesex，wasmorethanmyirritabletempercouldendure。Isawtheoldmangoingtothewindowtotakedownthebill。Turninginaragetostophim，Iwassuddenlybroughttoastandstillbytheappearanceofapersonwhohadjustenteredtheroom。
"Wasthistheformidableobstacletomytranquillity，whichhadpreventedmefromtakingtheroomsthatIhadchosen？Yes！Iknewthemiller’sdaughterintuitively。Deliriumpossessedme;myeyesdevouredher;myheartbeatasifitwouldburstoutofmybosom。Theoldmanapproachedme;henodded，andgrinned，andpointedtoher。Didheclaimhisparentalinterestinher？Didhemeanthatshebelongedtohim？No！shebelongedtome。Shemightbehisdaughter。ShewasMyFate。
"Idon’tknowwhatitwasinthegirlthattookmebystorm。Nothinginherlookorhermannerexpressedtheslightestinterestinme。Thatfamous"beauty"ofminewhichhadworkedsuchravagesintheheartsofotheryoungwomen，seemednoteventoattracthernotice。Whenherfatherputhishandtohisear，andtoldher（asIguessed）thatIwasdeaf，therewasnopityinhersplendidbrowneyes;theyexpressedamomentarycuriosity，andnothingmore。Possiblyshehadahardheart？orperhapsshetookadisliketome，atfirstsight？Itmadenodifferencetomymind，eitherway。WasshethemostbeautifulcreatureIhadeverseen？
Noteventhatexcusewastobemadeforme。Ihavemetwithwomenofherdarkcomplexionwhowere，beyonddispute，hersuperiorsinbeauty，andhavelookedatthemwithindifference。Addtothis，thatIamoneofthemenwhomwomenoffendiftheyarenotperfectlywell-dressed。Themiller’sdaughterwasbadlydressed;hermagnificentfigurewasprofanedbythewretchedly-madegownthatshewore。Iforgavetheprofanation。Inspiteoftheprotestofmyownbettertaste，Iresignedmyselftohergown。Isitpossibleadequatelytodescribesuchinfatuationasthis？
Quitepossible！IhaveonlytoacknowledgethatItooktheroomsatthecottage——andthereisthestateofmymind，exposedwithoutmercy！
"Howwillitend？"
CHAPTERVI
THERETURNOFTHEPORTFOLIO
WiththatseriousquestionthelastoftheleavesentrustedtomebytheLodgerattheMillcametoanend。
Ibetraynoconfidenceinpresentingthiscopyofhisconfession。TimehaspassedsinceIfirstreadit，andchangeshaveoccurredintheinterval，whichleavemefreetoexercisemyowndiscretion，andtolettheautobiographyspeakforitself。
IfIamaskedwhatimpressionofthewriterthoseextraordinarypagesproducedonme，Ifeelatalosshowtoreply。
Notoneimpression，butmanyimpressions，troubledandconfusedmymind。
Certainpassagesintheconfessioninclinedmetobelievethatthewriterwasmad。ButIalteredmyopinionatthenextleaf，andsethimdownasamanwithabitterhumor，disposedtomakemerryoverhisownbadqualities。Atonetime，histoneinwritingofhisearlylife，andhisallusionstohismother，wonmysympathyandrespect。Atanothertime，thepictureofhimselfinhislateryears，andthedefiantmannerinwhichhepresentedit，almostmademeregretthathehadnotdiedoftheillnesswhichhadstruckhimdeaf。InthisstateofuncertaintyImayclaimthemeritofhavingarrived，sofarasmyownfutureconductwasconcerned，atonepositiveconclusion。AsstrangersheandIhadfirstmet。AsstrangersIwasdeterminedweshouldremain。
Havingmadeupmymind，sofar，thenextthingtodo（withtheclockonthemantel-piecestrikingmidnight）wastogotobed。
Isleptbadly。Theeventsthathadhappened，sincemyarrivalinEngland，hadexcitedmeIsuppose。Nowandthen，inthewakefulhoursofthenight，IthoughtofCristelwithsomeanxiety。TakingtheLoger’sexaggeratedlanguageforwhatitwasreallyworth，thepoorgirl（asI
wasstillinclinedtofear）mighthaveseriousreasontoregretthathehadeverenteredherfather’scottage。
Atthebreakfasttable，mystepmotherandImetagain。