"Nowdon’tlet’sgetfeverish,"Fattysaid,droppinghisownweapon。"Wearen’tscum。We’regentlemen。Let’sdrinklikegentlemen。"
"Letitbearealdrinking,"Whiskersapproved。
"Let’sgetpetrified,"Slimagreed。"Manyadistillery’sflowedunderthebridgesinceweweregentlemen;butlet’sforgetthelongroadwe’vetravelledsince,andhitourdossinthegoodoldfashioninwhicheverygentlemanwenttobedwhenwewereyoung。"
"Myfatherdoneit-didit,"Fattyconcurredandcorrected,asoldrecollectionsexplodedlong-sealedbrain-cellsofconnotationandcorrectusage。
Theothertwonoddedadescentfromsimilarfathers,andelevatedtheirtincansofalcohol。
Bythetimeeachhadfinishedhisownbottleandfromhisragsfishedforthasecondone,theirbrainswerewell-mellowedanda-
glow,althoughtheyhadnotgotaroundtotellingtheirrealnames。
ButtheirEnglishhadimproved。Theyspokeitcorrectly,whiletheargooftramp-landceasedfromtheirlips。
"It’smyconstitution,"Whiskerswasexplaining。"VeryfewmencouldgothroughwhatIhaveandlivetotellthetale。AndI
nevertookanycareofmyself。Ifwhatthemoralistsandthephysiologistssayweretrue,I’dhavebeendeadlongago。Andit’sthesamewithyoutwo。Lookatus,atouradvancedyears,carousingastheyoungonesdon’tdare,sleepingoutintheopenontheground,nevershelteredfromfrostnorrainnorstorm,neverafraidofpneumoniaorrheumatismthatwouldputhalftheyoungonesontheirbacksinhospital。"
Hebrokeofftomixanotherdrink,andFattytookupthetale。
"Andwe’vehadourfun,"heboasted,"andspeakingofsweetheartsandall,"hecribbedfromKipling,"’We’veroguedandwe’veranged-’"
"’Inourtime,’"Slimcompletedthecribforhim。
"Ishouldsayso,Ishouldsayso,"Fattyconfirmed。"Andbeenlovedbyprincesses-atleastIhave。"
"Goonandtellusaboutit,"Whiskersurged。"Thenight’syoung,andwhyshouldn’twerememberbacktotheroofsofkings?"
Nothingloth,Fattyclearedhisthroatfortherecitalandcastaboutinhismindforthebestwaytobegin。
"ItmustbeknownthatIcameofgoodfamily。PercivalDelaney,letussay,yes,letussayPercivalDelaney,wasnotunknownatOxfordonceuponatime-notforscholarship,Iamfranktoadmit;
butthegayyoungdogsofthatday,ifanybeyetalive,wouldrememberhim-"
"MypeoplecameoverwiththeConqueror,"Whiskersinterrupted,extendinghishandtoFatty’sinacknowledgmentoftheintroduction。
"Whatname?"Fattyqueried。"Ididnotseemquitetocatchit。"
"Delarouse,ChaunceyDelarouse。Thenamewillserveaswellasany。"
BothcompletedthehandshakeandglancedtoSlim。
"Oh,well,whilewe’reaboutit……"Fattyurged。
"BruceCadoganCavendish,"Slimgrowledmorosely。"Goon,Percival,withyourprincessesandtheroofsofkings。"
"Oh,Iwasarareyoungdevil,"Percivalobliged,"afterIplayedducksanddrakesathomeandsportedoutovertheworld。AndIwassomefigureofamanbeforeIlostmyshape-polo,steeple-
chasing,boxing。IwonmedalsatbuckjumpinginAustralia,andI
heldmorethanseveralswimmingrecordsfromthequarterofamileup。WomenturnedtheirheadstolookwhenIwentby。Thewomen!
Godblessthem!"
AndFatty,aliasPercivalDelaney,agrotesqueofmanhood,puthisbulgyhandtohispuffedlipsandkissedaudiblyintothestarryvaultofthesky。
"AndthePrincess!"heresumed,withanotherkisstothestars。
"ShewasasfineafigureofawomanasIwasaman,ashigh-
spiritedandcourageous,asrecklessanddare-devilish。Lord,Lord,inthewatershewasamermaid,asea-goddess。Andwhenitcametoblood,besideherIwasparvenu。Herroyallinetracedbackintothemistsofantiquity。
"Shewasnotadaughterofafair-skinnedfolk。Tawnygoldenwasshe,withgolden-browneyes,andherhairthatfelltoherkneeswasblue-blackandstraight,withjustthecurlytendrillytendencythatgivestowoman’shairitscharm。Oh,therewerenokinksinit,anymorethanweretherekinksinthehairofherentiregenealogy。ForshewasPolynesian,glowing,golden,lovelyandlovable,royalPolynesian。"
Againhepausedtokisshishandtothememoryofher,andSlim,aliasBruceCadoganCavendish,tookadvantagetointerject:
"Huh!Maybeyoudidn’tshineinscholarship,butatleastyougleanedavocabularyoutofOxford。"
"AndintheSouthSeasgarneredabettervocabularyfromthelexiconofLove,"Percivalwasquickontheuptake。
"ItwastheislandofTalofa,"hewenton,"meaninglove,theIsleofLove,anditwasherisland。Herfather,theking,anoldman,satonhismatswithparalysedkneesanddranksquarefaceginalldayandmostofthenight,outofgrief,sheergrief。She,myprincess,wastheonlyissue,herbrotherhavingbeenlostintheirdoublecanoeinahurricanewhilecomingupfromavoyagetoSamoa。
AndamongthePolynesianstheroyalwomenhaveequalrightwiththementorule。Infact,theytracetheirgenealogiesalwaysbythefemaleline。"
TothisbothChaunceyDelarouseandBruceCadoganCavendishnoddedpromptaffirmation。
"Ah,"saidPercival,"IperceiveyoubothknowtheSouthSeas,wherefore,withoutundueexpenditureofverbiageonmypart,Iamassuredthatyouwillappreciatethecharmofmyprincess,thePrincessTui-nuiofTalofa,thePrincessoftheIsleofLove。"
Hekissedhishandtoher,sippedfromhiscondensedmilkcanaman-sizedrinkofdruggist’salcohol,andtoheragainkissedherhand。
"Butshewascoy,andeversheflutteredneartomebutnevernearenough。Whenmyarmwentouttohertogirdleher,presto,shewasnotthere。Iknew,asneverbefore,norsince,thethousanddearanddelightfulanguishesoflovefrustratedbuteverresilientandbeckonedonbytheverygoddessoflove。"
"Somevocabulary,"BruceCadoganCavendishmutteredinasidetoChaunceyDelarouse。ButPercivalDelaneywasnottobedeterred。
Hekissedhispudgyhandaloftintothenightandheldwarmlyon。
"NofondagoniesofrapturedeferredthatwerenotlavisheduponmebymydearPrincess,herselfeveraluringdelightofpromiseflittingjustbeyondmyreach。Everysweetlover’sinfernounguessedofbyDantesheledmethrough。Ah!Thoseswooningtropicnights,underourpalmtrees,thedistantsurfalangourousmurmurasfromsomevastseashellofmystery,whenshe,myPrincess,allbutmeltedtomyyearning,andwithherlaughter,thatwasassilverstringsbybudsandblossomssmitten,allbutmadelunacyofmylover’sardency。
"ItwasbymywrestlingwiththechampionsofTalofathatIfirstinterestedher。ItwasbymyprowessatswimmingthatIawokeher。
AnditwasbyacertainswimmingdeedthatIwonfromhermorethancoquettishsmilesandshytimiditiesoffeignedretreat。
"Weweresquiddingthatday,outonthereef-youknowhow,undoubtedly,divingdownthefaceofthewallofthereef,fivefathoms,tenfathoms,anydepthwithinreason,andshovingoursquid-sticksintothelikelyholesandcranniesofthecoralwheresquidmightbelairing。Withthesquid-stick,bluntlysharpatbothends,perhapsafootlong,andheldcrosswiseinthehand,thetrickwastogougeanylazyingsquiduntilheclosedhistentaclesaroundfist,stickandarm-Thenyouhadhim,andcametothesurfacewithhim,andhithimintheheadwhichisinthecentreofhim,andpeeledhimoffintothewaitingcanoe……AndtothinkIusedtodothat!"
PercivalDelaneypausedamoment,aglimmerofaweonhisrotundface,ashecontemplatedthemightypictureofhisyouth。
"Why,I’vepulledoutasquidwithtentacleseightfeetlong,anddoneitunderfiftyfeetofwater。Icouldstaydownfourminutes。
I’vegonedown,withacoral-rocktosinkme,inahundredandtenfeettoclearafouledanchor。AndIcouldback-divewithaonce-
overandgoinfeet-firstfromeightyfeetabovethesurface-"
"Quitit,deleteit,ceaseit,"ChaunceyDelarouseadmonishedtestily。"TellofthePrincess。That’swhatmakesoldbloodleapagain。AlmostcanIseeher。Wasshewonderful?"
PercivalDelaneykissedunutterableaffirmation。
"Ihavesaidshewasamermaid。Shewas。Iknowsheswamthirty-
sixhoursbeforebeingrescued,afterherschoonerwascapsizedinadouble-squall。Ihaveseenherdoninetyfeetandbringuppearlshellineachhand。Shewaswonderful。Asawomanshewasravishing,sublime。Ihavesaidshewasasea-goddess。Shewas。
Oh,foraPhidiasoraPraxitelestohavemadethewonderofherbodyimmortal!
"Andthatday,outforsquidonthereef,Iwasalmostsickforher。Mad-IknowIwasmadforher。Wewouldstepoverthesidefromthebigcanoe,andswimdown,sidebyside,intothedeliciousdepthsofcoolandcolour,andshewouldlookatme,asweswam,andwithhereyestantalizemetofurthermadness。Andatlast,down,fardown,Ilostmyselfandreachedforher。Sheeludedmelikethemermaidshewas,andIsawthelaughteronherfaceasshefled。Shefleddeeper,andIknewIhadherforIwasbetweenherandthesurface;butinthemuckcoralsandofthebottomshemadeachurningwithhersquidstick。Itwastheoldtricktoescapeashark。Andsheworkeditonme,rollingthewatersothatIcouldnotseeher。AndwhenIcameup,shewasthereaheadofme,clingingtothesideofthecanoeandlaughing。
"AlmostIwouldnotbedenied。Butnotfornothingwassheaprincess。Sherestedherhandonmyarmandcompelledmetolisten。Weshouldplayagame,shesaid,enterintoacompetitionforwhichshouldgetthemoresquid,thebiggestsquid,andthesmallestsquid。Sincethewagerswerekisses,youcanwellimagineIwentdownonthefirstnextdivewithsoulaflame。
"Igotnosquid。NeveragaininallmylifehaveIdivedforsquid。Perhapswewerefivefathomsdownandexploringthefaceofthereefwallforlurkingplacesofourprey,whenithappened。I
hadfoundalikelylairandjustproveditempty,whenIfeltorsensedthenearnessofsomethinginimical。Iturned。Thereitwas,alongsideofme,andnomerefish-shark。Fullyadozenfeetinlength,withtheunmistakablephosphorescentcat’seyegleaminglikeadrowningstar,Iknewitforwhatitwas,atigershark。
"Nottenfeettotheright,probingacoralfissurewithhersquidstick,wasthePrincess,andthetigersharkwasheadingdirectlyforher。Mytotalityofthoughtwasprecipitatedtoconsciousnessinasingleall-embracingflash。Theman-eatermustbedeflectedfromher,andwhatwasI,exceptamadloverwhowouldgladlyfightanddie,ormoregladlyfightandlive,forhisbeloved?Remember,shewasthewomanwonderful,andIwasaflameforher。
"Knowingfullytheperilofmyact,Ithrusttheblunt-sharpendofmysquid-stickintothesideoftheshark,muchasonewouldattractapassingacquaintancewithathumb-nudgeintheribs。Andtheman-eaterturnedonme。YouknowtheSouthSeas,andyouknowthatthetigershark,likethebald-facegrizzlyofAlaska,nevergivestrail。Thecombat,fathomsdeepunderthesea,wason-ifbycombatmaybenamedsuchaone-sidedstruggle。
"ThePrincessunaware,caughthersquidandrosetothesurface。
Theman-eaterrushedme。Ifendedhimoffwithbothhandsonhisnoseabovehisthousand-toothedopenmouth,sothathebackedmeagainstthesharpcoral。Thescarsaretheretothisday。
WheneverItriedtorise,herushedme,andIcouldnotremaindownthereindefinitelywithoutair。Wheneverherushedme,Ifendedhimoffwithmyhandsonhisnose。AndIwouldhaveescapedunharmed,exceptfortheslipofmyrighthand。Intohismouthitwenttotheelbow。Hisjawsclosed,justbelowtheelbow。Youknowhowashark’steethare。Onceintheycannotbereleased。
Theymustgothroughtocompletethebite,buttheycannotgothroughheavybone。So,fromjustbelowtheelbowhestrippedthebonecleantothearticulationofthewrist-joint,wherehisteethmetandmygoodrighthandbecamehisforanappetizer。
"Butwhilehewasdoingthis,Idrovethethumbofmylefthand,tothehiltintohiseye-orificeandpoppedouthiseye。Thisdidnotstophim。Themeathadmaddenedhim。Hepursuedthegushingstumpofmywrist。HalfadozentimesIfendedwithmyintactarm。Thenhegotthepoormangledarmagain,closeddown,andstrippedthemeatoffthebonefromtheshoulderdowntotheelbow-joint,wherehisteethmetandhewasfreeofhissecondmouthfulofme。But,atthesametime,withmygoodarm,Ithumbedouthisremainingeye。"
PercivalDelaneyshruggedhisshoulders,ereheresumed。
"Fromabove,thoseinthecanoehadbeheldtheentirehappeningandwereloudinpraiseofmydeed。Tothisdaytheystillsingthesongofme,andtellthetaleofme。AndthePrincess。"Hispausewasbriefbutsignificant。"ThePrincessmarriedme……Oh,well-a-dayandlack-a-day,thewhirligigoftimeandfortune,thetopsyturvinessofluck,thewoodenshoegoingupandthepolishedheeldescendingaFrenchgunboat,aconqueredislandkingdomofOceania,to-dayruledoverbyapeasant-born,unlettered,colonialgendarme,and……"
Hecompletedthesentenceandthetalebyburyinghisfaceinthedown-tiltedmouthofthecondensedmilkcanandbygurglingthecorrosivedrinkdownhisthroatinthirstygulps。
Afteranappropriatepause,ChaunceyDelarouse,otherwiseWhiskers,tookupthetale。
"FarbeitfrommetoboastofnomatterwhatplaceofbirthIhavedescendedfromtositherebythisfirewithsuchas……aschancealong。Imaysay,however,thatI,too,wasonceaconsiderablefigureofaman。Imayaddthatitwashorses,plusparentstooindulgent,thatexiledmeoutovertheworld。Imaystillwondertoquery:’AreDover’scliffsstillwhite?’"
"Huh!"BruceCadoganCavendishsneered。"Nextyou’llbeasking:
’HowfarestheoldLordWarden?’"
"AndItookeveryliberty,andvainly,withaconstitutionthatwasiron,"Whiskershurriedon。"HereIamwithmythreescoreandtenbehindme,andbackonthatlongroadhaveIburiedmanyayoungsterthatwasasrareanddevilishasI,butwhocouldnotstandthepace。Iknewtheworsttooyoung。AndnowIknowtheworsttooold。Buttherewasatime,alasalltooshort,whenI
knew,thebest。
"I,too,kissmyhandtothePrincessofmyheart。Shewastrulyaprincess,Polynesian,athousandmilesandmoreawaytotheeastwardandthesouthfromDelaney’sIsleofLove。ThenativesofallaroundthatpartoftheSouthSeascalledittheJollyIsland。
Theirownname,thenameofthepeoplewhodweltthereon,translatesdelicatelyandjustlyinto’TheIslandofTranquilLaughter。’OnthechartyouwillfindtheerroneousnamegiventoitbytheoldnavigatorstobeManatomana。TheseafaringgentrytheroundoceanaroundcalledittheAdamlessEden。AndthemissionariesforatimecalleditGod’sWitness-sogreathadbeentheirsuccessatconvertingtheinhabitants。Asforme,itwas,andevershallbe,Paradise。
"ItwasMYParadise,foritwastheremyPrincesslived。JohnAsibeliTungiwasking。Hewasfull-bloodednative,descendedoutoftheoldestandhighestchief-stockthattracedbacktoManuawhichwastheprimevalseahomeoftherace。AlsowasheknownasJohntheApostate。Helivedalonglifeandapostasizedfrequently。FirstconvertedbytheCatholics,hethrewdowntheidols,brokethetabus,cleanedoutthenativepriests,executedafewoftherecalcitrantones,andsentallhissubjectstochurch。
"Nexthefellforthetraders,whodevelopedinhimachampagnethirst,andheshippedofftheCatholicprieststoNewZealand。
Thegreatmajorityofhissubjectsalwaysfollowedhislead,and,havingnoreligionatall,ensuedthetimeoftheGreatLicentiousness,whenbyallSouthSeasmissionarieshisisland,insermons,wasspokenofasBabylon。
"Butthetradersruinedhisdigestionwithtoomuchchampagne,andafterseveralyearshefellfortheGospelaccordingtotheMethodists,senthispeopletochurch,andcleanedupthebeachandthetradingcrowdsospickandspanthathewouldnotpermitthemtosmokeapipeoutofdoorsonSunday,and,finedoneofthechieftradersonehundredgoldsovereignsforwashinghisschooner’sdecksontheSabbathmorn。
"ThatwasthetimeoftheBlueLaws,butperhapsitwastoorigorousforKingJohn。OffhepackedtheMethodists,onefineday,exiledseveralhundredofhispeopletoSamoaforstickingtoMethodism,and,ofallthings,inventedareligionofhisown,withhimselfthefigure-headofworship。InthishewasaidedandabettedbyarenegadeFijian。Thislastedfiveyears。MaybehegrewtiredofbeingGod,ormaybeitwasbecausetheFijiandecampedwiththesixthousandpoundsintheroyaltreasury;butatanyratetheSecondReformedWesleyansgothim,andhisentirekingdomwentWesleyan。ThepioneerWesleyanmissionaryheactuallymadeprimeminister,andwhathedidtothetradingcrowdwasacaution。Why,intheend,KingJohn’skingdomwasblacklistedandboycottedbythetraderstilltherevenuesdiminishedtozero,thepeoplewentbankrupt,andKingJohncouldn’tborrowashillingfromhismostpowerfulchief。
"Bythistimehewasgettingold,andphilosophic,andtolerant,andspirituallyatavistic。HefiredouttheSecondReformedWesleyans,calledbacktheexilesfromSamoa,invitedinthetraders,heldagenerallove-feast,tookthelidoff,proclaimedreligiouslibertyandhightariff,andasforhimselfwentbacktotheworshipofhisancestors,duguptheidols,reinstatedafewoctogenarianpriests,andobservedthetabus。Allofwhichwaslovelyforthetraders,andprosperityreigned。Ofcourse,mostofhissubjectsfollowedhimbackintoheathenworship。YetquiteasprinklingofCatholics,MethodistsandWesleyansremainedtruetotheirbeliefsandmanagedtomaintainafewsqualid,one-horsechurches。ButKingJohndidn’tmind,anymorethandidhethehightimesofthetradersalongthebeach。Everythingwent,solongasthetaxeswerepaid。Evenwhenhiswife,QueenMamare,electedtobecomeaBaptist,andinvitedinalittle,weazened,sweet-
spirited,club-footedBaptistmissionary,KingJohndidnotobject。
Allheinsistedonwasthatthesewanderingreligionsshouldbeself-supportingandnotfeedapennyworth’soutoftheroyalcoffers。
"Andnowthethreadsofmyrecitaldrawtogetherintheparagonoffemaleexquisiteness-myPrincess。"
Whiskerspaused,placedcarefullyonthegroundhishalf-fullcondensedmilkcanwithwhichhehadbeenabsentlytoying,andkissedthefingersofhisonehandaudiblyaloft。
"ShewasthedaughterofQueenMamare。Shewasthewomanwonderful。UnliketheDianatypeofPolynesian,shewasalmostethereal。SheWASethereal,sublimatedbypurity,asshyandmodestasaviolet,asfragile-slenderasalily,andhereyes,luminousandshrinkingtender,wereasasphodelsontheswardofheaven。Shewasallflower,andfire,anddew。Herswasthesweetnessofthemountainrose,thegentlenessofthedove。Andshewasallofgoodaswellasallofbeauty,devoutinherbeliefinhermother’sworship,whichwastheworshipintroducedbyEbenezerNaismith,theBaptistmissionary。Butmakenomistake。
ShewasnomeresweetspiritripeforthebosomofAbraham。Allofexquisitedeliciousnessofwomanwasshe。Shewaswoman,allwoman,tothelastsensitivequiveringatomofher-
"AndI?Iwasawastrelofthebeach。ThewildestwasnotsowildasI,thekeenestnotsokeen,ofallthatwild,keentradingcrowd。ItwasesteemedIplayedthestiffesthandofpoker。Iwastheonlylivingman,white,brown,orblack,whodaredruntheKuni-kuniPassageinthedark。AndonablacknightIhavedoneitunderreefsinagaleofwind。Well,anyway,Ihadabadreputationonabeachwheretherewerenogoodreputations。Iwasreckless,dangerous,stoppedatnothinginfightorfrolic;andthetradingcaptainsusedtobringboiler-sheetedprodigiesfromthevilestholesoftheSouthPacifictotryanddrinkmeunderthetable。Irememberone,acalcinedScotchmanfromtheNewHebrides。
Itwasagreatdrinking。Hediedofit,andweladedhimaboardship,pickledinacaskoftraderum,andsenthimbacktohisownplace。Asample,afairsample,oftheantictrickswecutuponthebeachofManatomana。
"Andofallunthinkablethings,whatdidIupanddo,oneday,butlookuponthePrincesstofindhergoodandtofallinlovewithher。Itwastherealthing。IwasasmadasaMarchhare,andafterthatIgotonlymadder。Ireformed。Thinkofthat!Thinkofwhataslipofawomancandotoabusy,rovingman!-BytheLordHarry,it’strue。Ireformed。Iwenttochurch。Hearme!I
becameconverted。IclearedmysoulbeforeGodandkeptmyhands-
Ihadtwothen-offtheribaldcrewofthebeachwhenitlaughedatthis,mylatestantic,andwantedtoknowwhatwasmygame。
"ItellyouIreformed,andgavemyselfinpassionandsinceritytoareligiousexperiencethathasmademetolerantofallreligioneversince。Idischargedmybestcaptainforimmorality。SodidI
mycook,andabetterneverboiledwaterinManatomana。ForthesamereasonIdischargedmychiefclerk。AndforthefirsttimeinthehistoryoftradingmyschoonerstothewestwardcarriedBiblesintheirstock。Ibuiltalittleanchoritebungalowuptownonamango-linedstreetsquarelyalongsidethelittlehouseoccupiedbyEbenezerNaismith。AndImadehimmypalandcomrade,andfoundhimaveritablehoneypotofsweetnessesandgoodnesses。Andhewasaman,throughandthroughaman。Andhediedlongafterlikeaman,whichIwouldliketotellyouabout,werethetaleofitnotsodeservedlylong。
"ItwasthePrincess,morethanthemissionary,whowasresponsibleformyexpressingmyfaithinworks,andespeciallyinthatcrowningwork,theNewChurch,OurChurch,theQueen-mother’schurch。
"’Ourpoorchurch,’shesaidtome,onenightafterprayer-meeting。
Ihadbeenconvertedonlyafortnight。’Itissosmallitscongregationcannevergrow。Andtheroofleaks。AndKingJohn,myhard-heartedfather,willnotcontributeapenny。Yethehasabigbalanceinthetreasury。AndManatomanaisnotpoor。Muchmoneyismadeandsquandered,Iknow。Ihearthegossipofthewildwaysofthebeach。Lessthanamonthagoyoulostmoreinonenight,gamblingatcards,thanthecostoftheupkeepofourpoorchurchforayear。’
"AndItoldheritwastrue,butthatitwasbeforeIhadseenthelight。(I’dhadaninfernalrunofbadluck。)ItoldherIhadnottastedliquorsince,norturnedacard。Itoldherthattheroofwouldberepairedatonce,byChristiancarpentersselectedbyherfromthecongregation。ButshewasfilledwiththethoughtofagreatrevivalthatEbenezerNaismithcouldpreach-shewasadearsaint-andshespokeofagreatchurch,saying:
"’Youarerich。Youhavemanyschooners,andtradersinfarislands,andIhaveheardofagreatcontractyouhavesignedtorecruitlabourfortheGermanplantationsofUpolu。Theysay,nexttoSweitzer,youaretherichesttraderhere。IshouldlovetoseesomeuseofallthismoneyplacedtothegloryofGod。Itwouldbeanoblethingtodo,andIshouldbeproudtoknowthemanwhowoulddoit。’
"ItoldherthatEbenezerNaismithwouldpreachtherevival,andthatIwouldbuildachurchgreatenoughinwhichtohouseit。
"’AsbigastheCatholicchurch?’sheasked。
"Thiswastheruinedcathedral,builtatthetimewhentheentirepopulationwasconverted,anditwasalargeorder;butIwasafirewithlove,andItoldherthatthechurchIwouldbuildwouldbeevenbigger。
"’Butitwilltakemoney,’Iexplained。’Andittakestimetomakemoney。’
"’Youhavemuch,’shesaid。’Somesayyouhavemoremoneythanmyfather,theKing。
"’Ihavemorecredit,’Iexplained。’Butyoudonotunderstandmoney。Ittakesmoneytohavecredit。So,withthemoneyIhave,andthecreditIhave,Iwillworktomakemoremoneyandcredit,andthechurchshallbebuilt。’
"Work!Iwasasurprisetomyself。Itisanamazement,theamountoftimeamanfindsonhishandsafterhe’sgivenupcarousing,andgambling,andallthetime-eatingdiversionsofthebeach。AndI
didn’twasteasecondofallmynew-foundtime。InsteadIworkeditovertime。Ididtheworkofhalfadozenmen。Ibecameadriver。Mycaptainsmadefasterrunsthaneverandearnedbiggerbonuses,asdidmysupercargoes,whosawtoitthatmyschoonersdidnotloafanddawdlealongtheway。AndIsawtoitthatmysupercargoesdidseetoit。
"Andgood!BytheLordHarryIwassogoodithurt。Myconsciencegotsoexpansiveandfine-strungitlamedmeacrosstheshoulderstocarryitaroundwithme。Why,IevenwentbackovermyaccountsandpaidSweitzerfiftyquidI’djiggeredhimoutofinadealinFijithreeyearsbefore。AndIcompoundedtheinterestaswell。
"Work!Iplantedsugarcane-thefirstcommercialplantingonManatomana。Iranincargoesofkinky-headsfromMalaita,whichisintheSolomons,tillIhadtwelvehundredoftheblackbirdsputtingincane。AndIsentaschoonercleartoHawaiitobringbackadismantledsugarmillandaGermanwhosaidheknewthefield-endofcane。Andhedid,andhechargedmethreehundreddollarsscrewamonth,andItookholdofthemill-end。I
installedthemillmyself,withthehelpofseveralmechanicsI
broughtupfromQueensland。
"Ofcoursetherewasarival。HisnamewasMotomoe。HewastheveryhighestchiefbloodnexttoKingJohn’s。Hewasfullnative,astrapping,handsomeman,withagloweringwayofshowinghisdislikes。HecertainlygloweredatmewhenIbeganhangingaroundthepalace。Hewentbackinmyhistoryandcirculatedtheblackesttalesaboutme。Theworstofitwasthatmostofthemweretrue。
HeevenmadeavoyagetoApiatofindthingsout-asifhecouldn’tfindaplentyrightthereonthebeachofManatomana!Andhesneeredatmyfailingforreligion,andatmygoingtoprayer-
meeting,and,mostofall,atmysugar-planting。Hechallengedmetofight,andIkeptoffofhim。Hethreatenedme,andIlearnedinthenickoftimeofhisplantohavemeknockedonthehead。
Yousee,hewantedthePrincessjustasmuchasIdid,andIwantedhermore。
"Sheusedtoplaythepiano。SodidI,once。ButIneverletherknowafterI’dheardherplaythefirsttime。Andshethoughtherplayingwaswonderful,thedear,fondgirl!Youknowthesort,themechanicalone-two-threetum-tum-tumschool-girlstuff。AndnowI’lltellyousomethingfunnier。HerplayingWASwonderfultome。
Thegatesofheavenopenedtomewhensheplayed。Icanseemyselfnow,wornoutanddog-tiredafterthelongday,lyingonthematsofthepalaceverandaandgazinguponheratthepiano,myselfinaperfectidiocyofbliss。Why,thisideashehadofherfineplayingwastheoneflawinherdeliciousnessofperfection,andI
lovedherforit。Itkindofbroughtherwithinmyhumanreach。
Why,whensheplayedherone-two-three,tum-tum-tum,Iwasintheseventhheavenofbliss。Mywearinessfellfromme。Ilovedher,andmyloveforherwascleanasflame,cleanasmyloveforGod。
Anddoyouknow,intomyfondlover’sfancycontinuallyintrudedthethoughtthatGodinmostwaysmustlooklikeher。
"-That’sright,BruceCadoganCavendish,sneerasyoulike。ButItellyouthat’slovethatI’vebeendescribing。That’sall。
It’slove。It’stherealest,purest,finestthingthatcanhappentoaman。AndIknowwhatI’mtalkingabout。Ithappenedtome。"
Whiskers,hisbeadysquirrel’seyeglitteringfromouthisruinedeyebrowlikealivecoalinajungleambush,brokeofflongenoughtodownasedativedraughtfromhiscondensedmilkcanandtomixanother。
"Thecane,"heresumed,wipinghisprodigiousmatoffacehairwiththebackofhishand。"Itmaturedinsixteenmonthsinthatclimate,andIwasready,justreadyandnomore,withthemillforthegrinding。Naturally,itdidnotallmatureatonce,butIhadplantedinsuchsuccessionthatIcouldgrindforninemonthssteadily,whilemorewasbeingplantedandtheratoonswerespringingup。
"Ihadmytroublesthefirstseveraldays。Ifitwasn’tonethingthematterwiththemill,itwasanother。Onthefourthday,Ferguson,myengineer,hadtoshutdownseveralhoursinordertoremedyhisowntroubles。Iwasbotheredbythefeeder。Afterhavingtheniggers(whohadbeenfeedingthecane)pourcreamoflimeontherollerstokeepeverythingsweet,Isentthemouttojointhecane-cuttingsquads。SoIwasallaloneatthatend,justasFergusonstartedupthemill,justasIdiscoveredwhatwasthematterwiththefeed-rollers,andjustasMotomoestrolledup。
"Hestoodthere,inNorfolkjacket,pigskinputtees,andalltherestofthefashionableget-upoutofabandbox,sneeringatmecoveredwithfilthandgreasetotheeyebrowsandlookinglikeanavvy。And,therollersnowwhitefromthelime,I’djustseenwhatwaswrong。Therollerswerenotinplumb。Onesidecrushedthecanewell,buttheothersidewastooopen。Ishovedmyfingersinonthatside。Thebig,toothedcogsontherollersdidnottouchmyfingers。Andyet,suddenly,theydid。Withthegripoftenthousanddevils,myfinger-tipswerecaught,drawnin,andpulpedto-well,justpulp。And,likeaslickofcane,Ihadstartedonmyway。Therewasnostoppingme。Tenthousandhorsescouldnothavepulledmeback。Therewasnothingtostopme。
Hand,arm,shoulder,head,andchest,downtothetoesofme,Iwasdoomedtofeedthrough。
"Itdidhurt。Ithurtsomuchitdidnothurtmeatall。Quitedetached,almostmayIsay,Ilookedonmyhandbeinggroundup,knucklebyknuckle,jointbyjoint,thebackofthehand,thewrist,theforearm,allinorderslowlyandinevitablyfeedingin。
Oengineerhoistbythineownpetard!Osugar-makercrushedbythineowncane-crusher!
"Motomoesprangforwardinvoluntarily,andthesneerwaschasedfromhisfacebyanexpressionofsolicitude。Thenthebeautyofthesituationdawnedonhim,andhechuckledandgrinned。No,I
didn’texpectanythingofhim。Hadn’thetriedtoknockmeonthehead?Whatcouldhedoanyway?Hedidn’tknowanythingaboutengines。
"IyelledatthetopofmylungstoFergusontoshutofftheengine,buttheroarofthemachinerydrownedmyvoice。AndthereIstood,uptotheelbowandfeedingrightonin。Yes,itdidhurt。Thereweresomeastonishingtwingeswhenspecialnerveswereshreddedanddraggedoutbytheroots。ButIrememberthatIwassurprisedatthetimethatitdidnothurtworse。
"Motomoemadeamovementthatattractedmyattention。Atthesametimehegrowledoutloud,asifhehatedhimself,’I’mafool。’
Whathehaddonewastopickupacane-knife-youknowthekind,asbigasamacheteandasheavy。AndIwasgratefultohiminadvanceforputtingmeoutofmymisery。Therewasn’tanysenseinslowlyfeedingintillmyheadwascrushed,andalreadymyarmwaspulpedhalfwayfromelbowtoshoulder,andthepulpingwasgoingrighton。SoIwasgrateful,asIbentmyheadtotheblow。
"’Getyourheadoutoftheway,youidiot!’hebarkedatme。
"AndthenIunderstoodandobeyed。Iwasabigman,andhetooktwohackstodoit;buthehackedmyarmoffjustoutsidetheshoulderanddraggedmebackandlaidmedownonthecane。
"Yes,thesugarpaid-enormously;andIbuiltforthePrincessthechurchofhersaintlydream,and……shemarriedme。"
Hepartlyassuagedhisthirst,andutteredhisfinalword。
"Alackaday!Shuttlecockandbattle-dore。Andthisat,theendofitall,linedwithboilerplatethatevenalcoholwillnotcorrodeandthatonlyalcoholwilltickle。YethaveIlived,andIkissmyhandtothedeardustofmyPrincesslongasleepinthegreatmausoleumofKingJohnthatlooksacrosstheValeofManonatothealienflagthatfloatsoverthebungalowoftheBritishGovernmentHouse……"
Fattypledgedhimsympathetically,andsympatheticallydrankoutofhisownsmallcan。BruceCadoganCavendishglaredintothefirewithimplacablebitterness。Hewasamanwhopreferredtodrinkbyhimself。AcrossthethinlipsthatcomposedthecruelslashofhismouthplayedtwitchesofmockerythatcaughtFatty’seye。AndFatty,makingsurefirstthathisrock-chunkwaswithinreach,challenged。
"Well,howaboutyourself,BruceCadoganCavendish?It’syourturn。"
TheotherliftedbleakeyesthatboredintoFatty’suntilhephysicallybetrayeduncomfortableness。
"I’velivedahardlife,"Slimgratedharshly。"WhatdoIknowaboutlovepassages?"
"Nomanofyourbuildandmake-upcouldhaveescapedthem,"Fattywheedled。
"Andwhatofit?"Slimsnarled。"It’snoreasonforagentlemantoboastofamoroustriumphs。"
"Oh,goon,beagoodfellow,"Fattyurged。"Thenight’sstillyoung。We’vestillsomedrinkleft。DelarouseandIhavecontributedourshare。Itisn’toftenthatthreerealoneslikeusgettogetherforatelling。Surelyyou’vegotatleastoneadventureinloveyouaren’tashamedtotellabout-"
BruceCadoganCavendishpulledforthhisironquoitandseemedtodebatewhetherornotheshouldbraintheother。Hesighed,andputbackthequoit。
"Verywell,ifyouwillhaveit,"hesurrenderedwithmanifestreluctance。"Likeyoutwo,Ihavehadaremarkableconstitution。
Andrightnow,speakingofarmour-platelining,Icoulddrinkthebothofyoudownwhenyouwereatyourprime。Likeyoutwo,mybeginningswerefardistantanddifferent。ThatIammarkedwiththehall-markofgentlehoodthereisnodiscussion……unlesseitherofyoucaretodiscussthematternow……"
Hisonehandslippedintohispocketandclutchedthequoit。
Neitherofhisauditorsspokenorbetrayedanyawarenessofhismenace。
"ItoccurredathousandmilestothewestwardofManatomana,ontheislandofTagalag,"hecontinuedabruptly,withanairofsaturninedisappointmentinthattherehadbeennodiscussion。"ButfirstI
musttellyouofhowIgottoTagalag。ForreasonsIshallnotmention,bypathsofdescentIshallnotdescribe,inthecrownofmymanhoodandtheprimeofmydevilishnessinwhichOxfordrenegadesandracingyoungersonshadnothingonme,Ifoundmyselfmasterandownerofaschoonersowellknownthatsheshallremainhistoricallynameless。IwasrunningblackbirdlabourfromthewestSouthPacificandtheCoralSeatotheplantationsofHawaiiandthenitrateminesofChili-"
"Itwasyouwhocleanedouttheentirepopulationof-"Fattyexploded,erehecouldcheckhisspeech。
TheonehandofBruceCadoganCavendishflashedpocketwardandflashedbackwiththequoitbalancedripeforbusiness。
"Proceed,"Fattysighed。"I……IhavequiteforgottenwhatI
wasgoingtosay。"
"Beastlyfunnycountryoverthatway,"thenarratordrawledwithperfectcasualness。"You’vereadthisSeaWolfstuff-"
"Youweren’ttheSeaWolf,"Whiskersbrokeinwithinvoluntarypositiveness。
"No,sir,"wasthesnarlinganswer。"TheSeaWolf’sdead,isn’the?AndI’mstillalive,aren’tI?"
"Ofcourse,ofcourse,"Whiskersconceded。"Hesuffocatedhead-
firstinthemudoffawharfinVictoriaacoupleofyearsback。"
"AsIwassaying-andIdon’tlikeinterruptions,"BruceCadoganCavendishproceeded,"it’sabeastlyfunnycountryoverthatway。
IwasatTaki-Tiki,alowislandthatpoliticallybelongstotheSolomons,butthatgeologicallydoesn’tatall,fortheSolomonsarehighislands。EthnographicallyitbelongstoPolynesia,Melanesia,andMicronesia,becauseallthebreedsoftheSouthPacifichavegravitatedtoitbycanoe-driftandintricately,degeneratively,andamazinglyinterbred。Thescumofthescrapingsofthebottomofthehumanpit,biologicallyspeaking,residesinTaka-Tiki。AndIknowthebottomandwhereofIspeak。
"ItwasabeastlyfunnytimeofitIhad,divingoutshell,fishingbeche-de-mer,tradinghoop-ironandhatchetsforcopraandivory-
nuts,runningniggersandalltherestofit。Why,eveninFijitheLotuwashavingahardtimeofitandthechiefsstilleatinglong-pig。Tothewestwarditwasfierce-funnylittleblackkinky-heads,man-eatersthelastJackofthem,andthejackpotfatandspillingoverwithwealth-"
"Jack-pots?"Fattyqueried。Atsightofanirritablemovement,headded:"Yousee,InevergotovertotheWestlikeDelarouseandyou。"
"They’reallhead-hunters。Headsarevaluable,especiallyawhiteman’shead。Theydecoratethecanoe-housesanddevil-devilhouseswiththem。Eachvillagerunsajack-pot,andeverybodyantes。
Whoeverbringsinawhiteman’sheadtakesthepot。Iftherearen’topenersforalongtime,thepotgrowstotremendousproportions。Beastlyfunny,isn’tit?
"Iknow。Didn’taHollandmatedieonmeofblackwater?Anddidn’tIwinapotmyself?Itwasthisway。WewerelyingatLango-luiatthetime。Ineverleton,andarrangedtheaffairwithJohnny,myboat-steerer。Hewasakinky-headhimselffromPortMoresby。Hecutthedeadmate’sheadoffandsneakedashoreinthemight,whileIwhangedawaywithmyrifleasifIweretryingtogethim。Heopenedthepotwiththemate’shead,andgotit,too。Ofcourse,nextdayIsentinalandingboat,withtwocoveringboats,andfetchedhimoffwiththeloot。"
"Howbigwasthepot?"Whiskersasked。"IheardofapotatOrlawortheightyquid。"
"Tocommencewith,"Slimanswered,"therewerefortyfatpigs,eachworthafathomofprimeshell-money,andshell-moneyworthaquidafathom。Thatwastwohundreddollarsrightthere。Therewereninety-eightfathomsofshell-money,whichisprettyclosetofivehundredinitself。Andthereweretwenty-twogoldsovereigns。I
splititfourways:one-fourthtoJohnny,one-fourthtotheship,one-fourthtomeasowner,andone-fourthtomeasskipper。Johnnynevercomplained。He’dneverhadsomuchwealthallatonetimeinhislife。Besides,Igavehimacoupleofthemate’soldshirts。
AndIfancythemate’sheadisstilltheredecoratingthecanoe-
house。"
"NotexactlyChristianburialofaChristian,"Whiskersobserved。
"Butalucrativeburial,"Slimretorted。"Ihadtofeedtherestofthemateover-sidetothesharksfornothing。Thinkoffeedinganeight-hundred-dollarheadalongwithit。Itwouldhavebeencriminalwasteandstarklunacy。
"Well,anyway,itwasallbeastlyfunny,overtheretothewestward。And,withouttellingyouthescrapeIgotintoatTaki-
Tiki,exceptthatIsailedawaywithtwohundredkinky-headsforQueenslandlabour,andformymannerofcollectingthemhadtwoBritishshipsofwarcombingthePacificforme,IchangedmycourseandrantothewestwardthinkingtodisposeofthelottotheSpanishplantationsonBangar。
"Typhoonseason。Wecaughtit。TheMERRYMISTwasmyschooner’sname,andIhadthoughtshewasstoutlybuiltuntilshehitthattyphoon。Ineversawsuchseas。Theypoundedthatstoutcrafttopieces,literallyso。Thestickswerejerkedoutofher,deckhousessplinteredtomatch-wood,railsrippedoff,and,aftertheworsthadpassed,thecoveringboardsbegantogo。Wejustmanagedtorepairwhatwasleftofoneboatandkeeptheschoonerafloatonlytilltheseawentdownbarelyenoughtogetaway。Andweoutfittedthatboatinahurry。ThecarpenterandIwerethelast,andwehadtojumpforitashewentdown。Therewereonlyfourofus-"
"Lostalltheniggers?"Whiskersinquired。
"Someofthemswamforsometime,"Slimreplied。"ButIdon’tfancytheymadetheland。Weweretendays’indoingit。Andwehadaspankingbreezemostoftheway。Andwhatdoyouthinkwehadintheboatwithus?Casesofsquare-faceginandcasesofdynamite。Funny,wasn’tit?Well,itgotfunnierlateron。Oh,therewasasmallbeakerofwater,alittlesalthorse,andsomesalt-water-soakedseabiscuit-enoughtokeepusalivetoTagalag。
"NowTagalagisthedisappointingestislandI’veeverbeheld。Itshowsupoutoftheseasoasyoucanmakeitsfalltwentymilesoff。Itisavolcanoconethrustupoutofdeepsea,withasegmentofthecraterwallbrokenout。Thisgivesseaentrancetothecrateritself,andmakesafineshelteredharbour。Andthat’sall。Nothinglivesthere。Theoutsideandtheinsideofthecrateraretoosteep。Atoneplace,inside,isapatchofaboutathousandcoconutpalms。Andthat’sall,asIsaid,savingafewinsects。Nofour-leggedthing,evenarat,inhabitstheplace。
Andit’sfunny,mostawfulfunny,withallthosecoconuts,notevenacoconutcrab。Theonlymeat-foodlivingwasschoolsofmulletintheharbour-fattest,finest,biggestmulletIeverlaideyeson。
"Andthefourofuslandedonthelittlebeachandsetuphousekeepingamongthecoconutswithalarderfullofdynamiteandsquare-face。Whydon’tyoulaugh?It’sfunny,Itellyou。Tryitsometime-Hollandginandstraightcoconutdiet。I’veneverbeenabletolookaconfectioner’swindowinthefacesince。NowI’mnotstrongonreligionlikeChaunceyDelarousethere,butI
havesomeprimitiveideas;andmyconceptofhellisanillimitablecoconutplantation,stockedwithcasesofsquare-faceandpopulatedbyship-wreckedmariners。Funny?Itmustmakethedevilscream。
"Youknow,straightcoconutiswhattheagriculturistscallanunbalancedration。Itcertainlyunbalancedourdigestions。Wegotsothatwheneverhungertookanextrabiteatus,wetookanotherdrinkofgin。Afteracoupleofweeksofit,Olaf,asquareheadsailor,gotanidea。Itcamewhenhewasfullofgin,andwe,beinginthesamefix,justwatchedhimshoveacapandshortfuseintoastickofdynamiteandstrolldowntowardtheboat。
"Itdawnedonmethathewasgoingtoshootfishiftherewereanyabout;butthesunwasbeastlyhot,andIjustreclinedthereandhopedhe’dhaveluck。
"Abouthalfanhourafterhedisappearedweheardtheexplosion。
Buthedidn’tcomeback。Wewaitedtillthecoolofsunset,anddownonthebeachfoundwhathadbecomeofhim。Theboatwasthereallright,groundedbytheprevailingbreeze,buttherewasnoOlaf。Hewouldneverhavetoeatcoconutagain。Wewentback,shakierthanever,andcrackedanothersquare-face。
"Thenextdaythecookannouncedthathewouldrathertakehischancewithdynamitethancontinuetryingtoexistoncoconut,andthat,thoughhedidn’tknowanythingaboutdynamite,heknewasighttoomuchaboutcoconut。Sowebitthedetonatordownforhim,shovedinafuse,andpickedhimagoodfire-stick,whilehejoltedupwithacouplemorestiffonesofgin。
"Itwasthesameprogrammeasthedaybefore。Afterawhileweheardtheexplosionandattwilightwentdowntotheboat,fromwhichwescrapedenoughofthecookforafuneral。
"ThecarpenterandIstuckitouttwodaysmore,thenwedrewstrawsforitanditwashisturn。Wepartedwithharshwords;forhewantedtotakeasquare-facealongtorefreshhimselfbytheway,whileIwassetagainstrunninganychanceofwastingthegin。
Besides,hehadmorethanhecouldcarrythen,andhewobbledandstaggeredashewalked。
"Samething,onlytherewasawholelotofhimleftformetobury,becausehe’dpreparedonlyhalfastick。Imanagedtolastitouttillnextday,when,afterdulyfortifyingmyself,Igotsufficientcouragetotacklethedynamite。Iusedonlyathirdofastick-
youknow,shortfuse,withtheendsplitsoastoholdtheheadofasafetymatch。That’swhereImendedmypredecessors’methods。
Notusingthematch-head,they’dtoo-longfuses。Therefore,whentheyspottedaschoolofmullet;andlightedthefuse,theyhadtoholdthedynamitetillthefuseburnedshortbeforetheythrewit。
Iftheythrewittoosoon,itwouldn’tgoofftheinstantithitthewater,whilethesplashofitwouldfrightenthemulletaway。
Funnystuffdynamite。Atanyrate,Istillmaintainminewasthesafermethod。
"IpickedupaschoolofmulletbeforeI’dbeenrowingfiveminutes。Finebigfatonestheywere,andIcouldsmellthemoverthefire。WhenIstoodup,fire-stickinonehand,dynamitestickintheother,mykneeswereknockingtogether。Maybeitwasthegin,ortheanxiousness,ortheweaknessandthehunger,andmaybeitwastheresultofallofthem,butatanyrateIwasallofashake。TwiceIfailedtotouchthefire-sticktothedynamite。
ThenIdid,heardthematch-headsplutter,andlethergo。
"NowIdon’tknowwhathappenedtotheothers,butIknowwhatI
did。Igotturnedabout。Didyoueverstemastrawberryandthrowthestrawberryawayandpopthestemintoyourmouth?That’swhatIdid。Ithrewthefire-stickintothewaterafterthemulletandheldontothedynamite。Andmyarmwentoffwiththestickwhenitwentoff……"
Sliminvestigatedthetomato-canforwatertomixhimselfadrink,butfounditempty。Hestoodup。
"Heighho,"heyawned,andstarteddownthepathtotheriver。
Inseveralminuteshewasback。Hemixedtheduequantityofriverslushwiththealcohol,tookalong,solitarydrink,andstaredwithbittermoodinessintothefire。
"Yes,but……"Fattysuggested。"Whathappenedthen?"
"Oh,"sadSlim。"Thentheprincessmarriedme,ofcourse。"
"Butyouweretheonlypersonleft,andtherewasn’tanyprincess……"Whiskerscriedoutabruptly,andthenlethisvoicetrailawaytoembarrassedsilence。
Slimstaredunblinkinglyintothefire。
PercivalDelaneyandChaunceyDelarouselookedateachother。
Quietly,insolemnsilence,eachwithhisonearmaidedtheonearmoftheotherinrollingandtyinghisbundle。Andinsilence,bundlesslungonshoulders,theywentawayoutofthecircleoffirelight。Notuntiltheyreachedthetopoftherailroadembankmentdidtheyspeak。
"Nogentlemanwouldhavedoneit,"saidWhiskers。
"Nogentlemanwouldhavedoneit,"Fattyagreed。
GlenEllen,California,SEPTEMBER26,1916。