THEPERSONSINTHEPLAY
　　JohnWorthing，J。P。
　　AlgernonMoncrieffRev。CanonChasuble，D。D。
　　Merriman，ButlerLane，ManservantLadyBracknellHon。GwendolenFairfaxCecilyCardewMissPrism，GovernessTHESCENESOFTHEPLAY
　　ACTI。AlgernonMoncrieff’sFlatinHalf-MoonStreet，W。
　　ACTII。TheGardenattheManorHouse，Woolton。
　　ACTIII。Drawing-RoomattheManorHouse，Woolton。
　　TIME：ThePresent。
　　LONDON：ST。JAMES’STHEATRE
　　LesseeandManager：Mr。GeorgeAlexanderFebruary14th，1895
　　JohnWorthing，J。P。：Mr。GeorgeAlexanderAlgernonMoncrieff：Mr。AllenAynesworth。
　　Rev。CanonChasuble，D。D。：Mr。H。H。Vincent。
　　Merriman：Mr。FrankDyallLane：Mr。F。KinseyPeile。
　　LadyBracknell：MissRoseLeclercq。
　　Hon。GwendolenFairfax：MissIreneVanbrugh。
　　CecilyCardew：MissEvelynMillard。
　　MissPrism：Mrs。GeorgeCanninge。
　　FIRSTACT
　　SCENE
　　Morning-roominAlgernon’sflatinHalf-MoonStreet。Theroomisluxuriouslyandartisticallyfurnished。Thesoundofapianoisheardintheadjoiningroom。
　　[LANEisarrangingafternoonteaonthetable，andafterthemusichasceased，ALGERNONenters。]
　　ALGERNON。DidyouhearwhatIwasplaying，Lane？
　　LANE。Ididn’tthinkitpolitetolisten，sir。
　　ALGERNON。I’msorryforthat，foryoursake。Idon’tplayaccurately-anyonecanplayaccurately-butIplaywithwonderfulexpression。Asfarasthepianoisconcerned，sentimentismyforte。IkeepscienceforLife。
　　LANE。Yes，sir。
　　ALGERNON。And，speakingofthescienceofLife，haveyougotthecucumbersandwichescutforLadyBracknell？
　　LANE。Yes，sir。[Handsthemonasalver。]
　　ALGERNON。[Inspectsthem，takestwo，andsitsdownonthesofa。]
　　Oh！……bytheway，Lane，IseefromyourbookthatonThursdaynight，whenLordShoremanandMr。Worthingwerediningwithme，eightbottlesofchampagneareenteredashavingbeenconsumed。
　　LANE。Yes，sir；eightbottlesandapint。
　　ALGERNON。Whyisitthatatabachelor’sestablishmenttheservantsinvariablydrinkthechampagne？Iaskmerelyforinformation。
　　LANE。Iattributeittothesuperiorqualityofthewine，sir。I
　　haveoftenobservedthatinmarriedhouseholdsthechampagneisrarelyofafirst-ratebrand。
　　ALGERNON。Goodheavens！Ismarriagesodemoralisingasthat？
　　LANE。IbelieveitISaverypleasantstate，sir。Ihavehadverylittleexperienceofitmyselfuptothepresent。Ihaveonlybeenmarriedonce。Thatwasinconsequenceofamisunderstandingbetweenmyselfandayoungperson。
　　ALGERNON。[Languidly。]Idon’tknowthatIammuchinterestedinyourfamilylife，Lane。
　　LANE。No，sir；itisnotaveryinterestingsubject。Ineverthinkofitmyself。
　　ALGERNON。Verynatural，Iamsure。Thatwilldo，Lane，thankyou。
　　LANE。Thankyou，sir。[LANEgoesout。]
　　ALGERNON。Lanesviewsonmarriageseemsomewhatlax。Really，ifthelowerordersdon’tsetusagoodexample，whatonearthistheuseofthem？Theyseem，asaclass，tohaveabsolutelynosenseofmoralresponsibility。
　　[EnterLANE。]
　　LANE。Mr。ErnestWorthing。
　　[EnterJACK。]
　　[LANEgoesout。]
　　ALGERNON。Howareyou，mydearErnest？Whatbringsyouuptotown？
　　JACK。Oh，pleasure，pleasure！Whatelseshouldbringoneanywhere？Eatingasusual，Isee，Algy！
　　ALGERNON。[Stiffly。]Ibelieveitiscustomaryingoodsocietytotakesomeslightrefreshmentatfiveo’clock。WherehaveyoubeensincelastThursday？
　　JACK。[Sittingdownonthesofa。]Inthecountry。
　　ALGERNON。Whatonearthdoyoudothere？
　　JACK。[Pullingoffhisgloves。]Whenoneisintownoneamusesoneself。Whenoneisinthecountryoneamusesotherpeople。Itisexcessivelyboring。
　　ALGERNON。Andwhoarethepeopleyouamuse？
　　JACK。[Airily。]Oh，neighbours，neighbours。
　　ALGERNON。GotniceneighboursinyourpartofShropshire？
　　JACK。Perfectlyhorrid！Neverspeaktooneofthem。
　　ALGERNON。Howimmenselyyoumustamusethem！[Goesoverandtakessandwich。]Bytheway，Shropshireisyourcounty，isitnot？
　　JACK。Eh？Shropshire？Yes，ofcourse。Hallo！Whyallthesecups？Whycucumbersandwiches？Whysuchrecklessextravaganceinonesoyoung？Whoiscomingtotea？
　　ALGERNON。Oh！merelyAuntAugustaandGwendolen。
　　JACK。Howperfectlydelightful！
　　ALGERNON。Yes，thatisallverywell；butIamafraidAuntAugustawon’tquiteapproveofyourbeinghere。
　　JACK。MayIaskwhy？
　　ALGERNON。Mydearfellow，thewayyouflirtwithGwendolenisperfectlydisgraceful。ItisalmostasbadasthewayGwendolenflirtswithyou。
　　JACK。IaminlovewithGwendolen。Ihavecomeuptotownexpresslytoproposetoher。
　　ALGERNON。Ithoughtyouhadcomeupforpleasure？……Icallthatbusiness。
　　JACK。Howutterlyunromanticyouare！
　　ALGERNON。Ireallydon’tseeanythingromanticinproposing。Itisveryromantictobeinlove。Butthereisnothingromanticaboutadefiniteproposal。Why，onemaybeaccepted。Oneusuallyis，Ibelieve。Thentheexcitementisallover。Theveryessenceofromanceisuncertainty。IfeverIgetmarried，I’llcertainlytrytoforgetthefact。
　　JACK。Ihavenodoubtaboutthat，dearAlgy。TheDivorceCourtwasspeciallyinventedforpeoplewhosememoriesaresocuriouslyconstituted。
　　ALGERNON。Oh！thereisnousespeculatingonthatsubject。
　　DivorcesaremadeinHeaven-[JACKputsouthishandtotakeasandwich。ALGERNONatonceinterferes。]Pleasedon’ttouchthecucumbersandwiches。TheyareorderedspeciallyforAuntAugusta。
　　[Takesoneandeatsit。]
　　JACK。Well，youhavebeeneatingthemallthetime。
　　ALGERNON。Thatisquiteadifferentmatter。Sheismyaunt。
　　[Takesplatefrombelow。]Havesomebreadandbutter。ThebreadandbutterisforGwendolen。Gwendolenisdevotedtobreadandbutter。
　　JACK。[Advancingtotableandhelpinghimself。]Andverygoodbreadandbutteritistoo。
　　ALGERNON。Well，mydearfellow，youneednoteatasifyouweregoingtoeatitall。Youbehaveasifyouweremarriedtoheralready。Youarenotmarriedtoheralready，andIdon’tthinkyoueverwillbe。
　　JACK。Whyonearthdoyousaythat？
　　ALGERNON。Well，inthefirstplacegirlsnevermarrythementheyflirtwith。Girlsdon’tthinkitright。
　　JACK。Oh，thatisnonsense！
　　ALGERNON。Itisn’t。Itisagreattruth。Itaccountsfortheextraordinarynumberofbachelorsthatoneseesallovertheplace。
　　Inthesecondplace，Idon’tgivemyconsent。
　　JACK。Yourconsent！
　　ALGERNON。Mydearfellow，Gwendolenismyfirstcousin。AndbeforeIallowyoutomarryher，youwillhavetoclearupthewholequestionofCecily。[Ringsbell。]
　　JACK。Cecily！Whatonearthdoyoumean？Whatdoyoumean，Algy，byCecily！Idon’tknowanyoneofthenameofCecily。
　　[EnterLANE。]
　　ALGERNON。BringmethatcigarettecaseMr。Worthingleftinthesmoking-roomthelasttimehedinedhere。
　　LANE。Yes，sir。[LANEgoesout。]
　　JACK。Doyoumeantosayyouhavehadmycigarettecaseallthistime？Iwishtogoodnessyouhadletmeknow。IhavebeenwritingfranticletterstoScotlandYardaboutit。Iwasverynearlyofferingalargereward。
　　ALGERNON。Well，Iwishyouwouldofferone。Ihappentobemorethanusuallyhardup。
　　JACK。Thereisnogoodofferingalargerewardnowthatthethingisfound。
　　[EnterLANEwiththecigarettecaseonasalver。ALGERNONtakesitatonce。LANEgoesout。]
　　ALGERNON。Ithinkthatisrathermeanofyou，Ernest，Imustsay。
　　[Openscaseandexaminesit。]However，itmakesnomatter，for，nowthatIlookattheinscriptioninside，Ifindthatthethingisn’tyoursafterall。
　　JACK。Ofcourseit’smine。[Movingtohim。]Youhaveseenmewithitahundredtimes，andyouhavenorightwhatsoevertoreadwhatiswritteninside。Itisaveryungentlemanlythingtoreadaprivatecigarettecase。
　　ALGERNON。Oh！itisabsurdtohaveahardandfastruleaboutwhatoneshouldreadandwhatoneshouldn’t。Morethanhalfofmodernculturedependsonwhatoneshouldn’tread。
　　JACK。Iamquiteawareofthefact，andIdon’tproposetodiscussmodernculture。Itisn’tthesortofthingoneshouldtalkofinprivate。Isimplywantmycigarettecaseback。
　　ALGERNON。Yes；butthisisn’tyourcigarettecase。ThiscigarettecaseisapresentfromsomeoneofthenameofCecily，andyousaidyoudidn’tknowanyoneofthatname。
　　JACK。Well，ifyouwanttoknow，Cecilyhappenstobemyaunt。
　　ALGERNON。Youraunt！
　　JACK。Yes。Charmingoldladysheis，too。LivesatTunbridgeWells。Justgiveitbacktome，Algy。
　　ALGERNON。[Retreatingtobackofsofa。]ButwhydoesshecallherselflittleCecilyifsheisyourauntandlivesatTunbridgeWells？[Reading。]’FromlittleCecilywithherfondestlove。’
　　JACK。[Movingtosofaandkneelinguponit。]Mydearfellow，whatonearthisthereinthat？Someauntsaretall，someauntsarenottall。Thatisamatterthatsurelyanauntmaybeallowedtodecideforherself。Youseemtothinkthateveryauntshouldbeexactlylikeyouraunt！Thatisabsurd！ForHeaven’ssakegivemebackmycigarettecase。[FollowsALGERNONroundtheroom。]
　　ALGERNON。Yes。Butwhydoesyourauntcallyouheruncle？’FromlittleCecily，withherfondestlovetoherdearUncleJack。’
　　Thereisnoobjection，Iadmit，toanauntbeingasmallaunt，butwhyanaunt，nomatterwhathersizemaybe，shouldcallherownnephewheruncle，Ican’tquitemakeout。Besides，yournameisn’tJackatall；itisErnest。
　　JACK。Itisn’tErnest；it’sJack。
　　ALGERNON。YouhavealwaystoldmeitwasErnest。IhaveintroducedyoutoeveryoneasErnest。YouanswertothenameofErnest。YoulookasifyournamewasErnest。Youarethemostearnest-lookingpersonIeversawinmylife。Itisperfectlyabsurdyoursayingthatyournameisn’tErnest。It’sonyourcards。Hereisoneofthem。[Takingitfromcase。]’Mr。ErnestWorthing，B。4，TheAlbany。’I’llkeepthisasaproofthatyournameisErnestifeveryouattempttodenyittome，ortoGwendolen，ortoanyoneelse。[Putsthecardinhispocket。]
　　JACK。Well，mynameisErnestintownandJackinthecountry，andthecigarettecasewasgiventomeinthecountry。
　　ALGERNON。Yes，butthatdoesnotaccountforthefactthatyoursmallAuntCecily，wholivesatTunbridgeWells，callsyouherdearuncle。Come，oldboy，youhadmuchbetterhavethethingoutatonce。
　　JACK。MydearAlgy，youtalkexactlyasifyouwereadentist。Itisveryvulgartotalklikeadentistwhenoneisn’tadentist。Itproducesafalseimpression，ALGERNON。Well，thatisexactlywhatdentistsalwaysdo。Now，goon！Tellmethewholething。ImaymentionthatIhavealwayssuspectedyouofbeingaconfirmedandsecretBunburyist；andIamquitesureofitnow。
　　JACK。Bunburyist？WhatonearthdoyoumeanbyaBunburyist？
　　ALGERNON。I’llrevealtoyouthemeaningofthatincomparableexpressionassoonasyouarekindenoughtoinformmewhyyouareErnestintownandJackinthecountry。
　　JACK。Well，producemycigarettecasefirst。
　　ALGERNON。Hereitis。[Handscigarettecase。]Nowproduceyourexplanation，andpraymakeitimprobable。[Sitsonsofa。]
　　JACK。Mydearfellow，thereisnothingimprobableaboutmyexplanationatall。Infactit’sperfectlyordinary。OldMr。
　　ThomasCardew，whoadoptedmewhenIwasalittleboy，mademeinhiswillguardiantohisgrand-daughter，MissCecilyCardew。
　　Cecily，whoaddressesmeasherunclefrommotivesofrespectthatyoucouldnotpossiblyappreciate，livesatmyplaceinthecountryunderthechargeofheradmirablegoverness，MissPrism。
　　ALGERNON。Whereinthatplaceinthecountry，bytheway？
　　JACK。Thatisnothingtoyou，dearboy。Youarenotgoingtobeinvited……ImaytellyoucandidlythattheplaceisnotinShropshire。
　　ALGERNON。Isuspectedthat，mydearfellow！IhaveBunburyedalloverShropshireontwoseparateoccasions。Now，goon。WhyareyouErnestintownandJackinthecountry？
　　JACK。MydearAlgy，Idon’tknowwhetheryouwillbeabletounderstandmyrealmotives。Youarehardlyseriousenough。Whenoneisplacedinthepositionofguardian，onehastoadoptaveryhighmoraltoneonallsubjects。It’sone’sdutytodoso。Andasahighmoraltonecanhardlybesaidtoconduceverymuchtoeitherone’shealthorone’shappiness，inordertogetuptotownIhavealwayspretendedtohaveayoungerbrotherofthenameofErnest，wholivesintheAlbany，andgetsintothemostdreadfulscrapes。
　　That，mydearAlgy，isthewholetruthpureandsimple。
　　ALGERNON。Thetruthisrarelypureandneversimple。Modernlifewouldbeverytediousifitwereeither，andmodernliteratureacompleteimpossibility！
　　JACK。Thatwouldn’tbeatallabadthing。
　　ALGERNON。Literarycriticismisnotyourforte，mydearfellow。
　　Don’ttryit。Youshouldleavethattopeoplewhohaven’tbeenataUniversity。Theydoitsowellinthedailypapers。WhatyoureallyareisaBunburyist。IwasquiterightinsayingyouwereaBunburyist。YouareoneofthemostadvancedBunburyistsIknow。
　　JACK。Whatonearthdoyoumean？
　　ALGERNON。YouhaveinventedaveryusefulyoungerbrothercalledErnest，inorderthatyoumaybeabletocomeuptotownasoftenasyoulike。IhaveinventedaninvaluablepermanentinvalidcalledBunbury，inorderthatImaybeabletogodownintothecountrywheneverIchoose。Bunburyisperfectlyinvaluable。Ifitwasn’tforBunbury’sextraordinarybadhealth，forinstance，I
　　wouldn’tbeabletodinewithyouatWillis’sto-night，forIhavebeenreallyengagedtoAuntAugustaformorethanaweek。
　　JACK。Ihaven’taskedyoutodinewithmeanywhereto-night。
　　ALGERNON。Iknow。Youareabsurdlycarelessaboutsendingoutinvitations。Itisveryfoolishofyou。Nothingannoyspeoplesomuchasnotreceivinginvitations。
　　JACK。YouhadmuchbetterdinewithyourAuntAugusta。
　　ALGERNON。Ihaven’tthesmallestintentionofdoinganythingofthekind。Tobeginwith，IdinedthereonMonday，andonceaweekisquiteenoughtodinewithone’sownrelations。Inthesecondplace，wheneverIdodinethereIamalwaystreatedasamemberofthefamily，andsentdownwitheithernowomanatall，ortwo。Inthethirdplace，Iknowperfectlywellwhomshewillplacemenextto，to-night。ShewillplacemenextMaryFarquhar，whoalwaysflirtswithherownhusbandacrossthedinner-table。Thatisnotverypleasant。Indeed，itisnotevendecent……andthatsortofthingisenormouslyontheincrease。TheamountofwomeninLondonwhoflirtwiththeirownhusbandsisperfectlyscandalous。
　　Itlookssobad。Itinsimplywashingone’scleanlineninpublic。
　　Besides，nowthatIknowyoutobeaconfirmedBunburyistI
　　naturallywanttotalktoyouaboutBunburying。Iwanttotellyoutherules。
　　JACK。I’mnotaBunburyistatall。IfGwendolenacceptsme，Iamgoingtokillmybrother，indeedIthinkI’llkillhiminanycase。
　　Cecilyisalittletoomuchinterestedinhim。Itisratherabore。SoIamgoingtogetridofErnest。AndIstronglyadviseyoutodothesamewithMr……withyourinvalidfriendwhohastheabsurdname。
　　ALGERNON。NothingwillinducemetopartwithBunbury，andifyouevergetmarried，whichseemstomeextremelyproblematic，youwillbeverygladtoknowBunbury。AmanwhomarrieswithoutknowingBunburyhasaverytedioustimeofit。
　　JACK。Thatisnonsense。IfImarryacharminggirllikeGwendolen，andsheistheonlygirlIeversawinmylifethatI
　　wouldmarry，Icertainlywon’twanttoknowBunbury。
　　ALGERNON。Thenyourwifewill。Youdon’tseemtorealise，thatinmarriedlifethreeiscompanyandtwoisnone。
　　JACK。[Sententiously。]That，mydearyoungfriend，isthetheorythatthecorruptFrenchDramahasbeenpropoundingforthelastfiftyyears。
　　ALGERNON。Yes；andthatthehappyEnglishhomehasprovedinhalfthetime。
　　JACK。Forheaven’ssake，don’ttrytobecynical。It’sperfectlyeasytobecynical。
　　ALGERNON。Mydearfellow，itisn’teasytobeanythingnowadays。
　　There’ssuchalotofbeastlycompetitionabout。[Thesoundofanelectricbellisheard。]Ah！thatmustbeAuntAugusta。Onlyrelatives，orcreditors，everringinthatWagnerianmanner。Now，ifIgetheroutofthewayfortenminutes，sothatyoucanhaveanopportunityforproposingtoGwendolen，mayIdinewithyouto-
　　nightatWillis’s？
　　JACK。Isupposeso，ifyouwantto。
　　ALGERNON。Yes，butyoumustbeseriousaboutit。Ihatepeoplewhoarenotseriousaboutmeals。Itissoshallowofthem。
　　[EnterLANE。]
　　LadyBracknellandMissFairfax。
　　[ALGERNONgoesforwardtomeetthem。EnterLADYBRACKNELLandGWENDOLEN。]
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Goodafternoon，dearAlgernon，Ihopeyouarebehavingverywell。
　　ALGERNON。I’mfeelingverywell，AuntAugusta。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。That’snotquitethesamething。Infactthetwothingsrarelygotogether。[SeesJACKandbowstohimwithicycoldness。]
　　ALGERNON。[ToGWENDOLEN。]Dearme，youaresmart！
　　GWENDOLEN。Iamalwayssmart！AmInot，Mr。Worthing？
　　JACK。You’requiteperfect，MissFairfax。
　　GWENDOLEN。Oh！IhopeIamnotthat。Itwouldleavenoroomfordevelopments，andIintendtodevelopinmanydirections。
　　[GWENDOLENandJACKsitdowntogetherinthecorner。]
　　LADYBRACKNELL。I’msorryifwearealittlelate，Algernon，butI
　　wasobligedtocallondearLadyHarbury。Ihadn’tbeentheresinceherpoorhusband’sdeath。Ineversawawomansoaltered；
　　shelooksquitetwentyyearsyounger。AndnowI’llhaveacupoftea，andoneofthosenicecucumbersandwichesyoupromisedme。
　　ALGERNON。Certainly，AuntAugusta。[Goesovertotea-table。]
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Won’tyoucomeandsithere，Gwendolen？
　　GWENDOLEN。Thanks，mamma，I’mquitecomfortablewhereIam。
　　ALGERNON。[Pickingupemptyplateinhorror。]Goodheavens！
　　Lane！Whyaretherenocucumbersandwiches？Iorderedthemspecially。
　　LANE。[Gravely。]Therewerenocucumbersinthemarketthismorning，sir。Iwentdowntwice。
　　ALGERNON。Nocucumbers！
　　LANE。No，sir。Notevenforreadymoney。
　　ALGERNON。Thatwilldo，Lane，thankyou。
　　LANE。Thankyou，sir。[Goesout。]
　　ALGERNON。Iamgreatlydistressed，AuntAugusta，abouttherebeingnocucumbers，notevenforreadymoney。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Itreallymakesnomatter，Algernon。IhadsomecrumpetswithLadyHarbury，whoseemstometobelivingentirelyforpleasurenow。
　　ALGERNON。Ihearherhairhasturnedquitegoldfromgrief。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Itcertainlyhaschangeditscolour。FromwhatcauseI，ofcourse，cannotsay。[ALGERNONcrossesandhandstea。]
　　Thankyou。I’vequiteatreatforyouto-night，Algernon。IamgoingtosendyoudownwithMaryFarquhar。Sheissuchanicewoman，andsoattentivetoherhusband。It’sdelightfultowatchthem。
　　ALGERNON。Iamafraid，AuntAugusta，Ishallhavetogiveupthepleasureofdiningwithyouto-nightafterall。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。[Frowning。]Ihopenot，Algernon。Itwouldputmytablecompletelyout。Yourunclewouldhavetodineupstairs。
　　Fortunatelyheisaccustomedtothat。
　　ALGERNON。Itisagreatbore，and，Ineedhardlysay，aterribledisappointmenttome，butthefactisIhavejusthadatelegramtosaythatmypoorfriendBunburyisveryillagain。[ExchangesglanceswithJACK。]TheyseemtothinkIshouldbewithhim。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Itisverystrange。ThisMr。Bunburyseemstosufferfromcuriouslybadhealth。
　　ALGERNON。Yes；poorBunburyisadreadfulinvalid。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Well，Imustsay，Algernon，thatIthinkitishightimethatMr。Bunburymadeuphismindwhetherhewasgoingtoliveortodie。Thisshilly-shallyingwiththequestionisabsurd。
　　NordoIinanywayapproveofthemodernsympathywithinvalids。
　　Iconsideritmorbid。Illnessofanykindishardlyathingtobeencouragedinothers。Healthistheprimarydutyoflife。Iamalwaystellingthattoyourpooruncle，butheneverseemstotakemuchnotice……asfarasanyimprovementinhisailmentgoes。I
　　shouldbemuchobligedifyouwouldaskMr。Bunbury，fromme，tobekindenoughnottohavearelapseonSaturday，forIrelyonyoutoarrangemymusicforme。Itismylastreception，andonewantssomethingthatwillencourageconversation，particularlyattheendoftheseasonwheneveryonehaspracticallysaidwhatevertheyhadtosay，which，inmostcases，wasprobablynotmuch。
　　ALGERNON。I’llspeaktoBunbury，AuntAugusta，ifheisstillconscious，andIthinkIcanpromiseyouhe’llbeallrightbySaturday。Ofcoursethemusicisagreatdifficulty。Yousee，ifoneplaysgoodmusic，peopledon’tlisten，andifoneplaysbadmusicpeopledon’ttalk。ButI’llranovertheprogrammeI’vedrawnout，ifyouwillkindlycomeintothenextroomforamoment。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Thankyou，Algernon。Itisverythoughtfulofyou。[Rising，andfollowingALGERNON。]I’msuretheprogrammewillbedelightful，afterafewexpurgations。FrenchsongsI
　　cannotpossiblyallow。Peoplealwaysseemtothinkthattheyareimproper，andeitherlookshocked，whichisvulgar，orlaugh，whichisworse。ButGermansoundsathoroughlyrespectablelanguage，andindeed，Ibelieveisso。Gwendolen，youwillaccompanyme。
　　GWENDOLEN。Certainly，mamma。
　　[LADYBRACKNELLandALGERNONgointothemusic-room，GWENDOLEN
　　remainsbehind。]
　　JACK。Charmingdayithasbeen，MissFairfax。
　　GWENDOLEN。Praydon’ttalktomeabouttheweather，Mr。Worthing。
　　Wheneverpeopletalktomeabouttheweather，Ialwaysfeelquitecertainthattheymeansomethingelse。Andthatmakesmesonervous。
　　JACK。Idomeansomethingelse。
　　GWENDOLEN。Ithoughtso。Infact，Iamneverwrong。
　　JACK。AndIwouldliketobeallowedtotakeadvantageofLadyBracknell’stemporaryabsence……
　　GWENDOLEN。Iwouldcertainlyadviseyoutodoso。MammahasawayofcomingbacksuddenlyintoaroomthatIhaveoftenhadtospeaktoherabout。
　　JACK。[Nervously。]MissFairfax，eversinceImetyouIhaveadmiredyoumorethananygirl……Ihaveevermetsince……I
　　metyou。
　　GWENDOLEN。Yes，Iamquitewellawareofthefact。AndIoftenwishthatinpublic，atanyrate，youhadbeenmoredemonstrative。
　　Formeyouhavealwayshadanirresistiblefascination。EvenbeforeImetyouIwasfarfromindifferenttoyou。[JACKlooksatherinamazement。]Welive，asIhopeyouknow，MrWorthing，inanageofideals。Thefactisconstantlymentionedinthemoreexpensivemonthlymagazines，andhasreachedtheprovincialpulpits，Iamtold；andmyidealhasalwaysbeentolovesomeoneofthenameofErnest。Thereissomethinginthatnamethatinspiresabsoluteconfidence。ThemomentAlgernonfirstmentionedtomethathehadafriendcalledErnest，IknewIwasdestinedtoloveyou。
　　JACK。Youreallyloveme，Gwendolen？
　　GWENDOLEN。Passionately！
　　JACK。Darling！Youdon’tknowhowhappyyou’vemademe。
　　GWENDOLEN。MyownErnest！
　　JACK。Butyoudon’treallymeantosaythatyoucouldn’tlovemeifmynamewasn’tErnest？
　　GWENDOLEN。ButyournameisErnest。
　　JACK。Yes，Iknowitis。Butsupposingitwassomethingelse？Doyoumeantosayyoucouldn’tlovemethen？
　　GWENDOLEN。[Glibly。]Ah！thatisclearlyametaphysicalspeculation，andlikemostmetaphysicalspeculationshasverylittlereferenceatalltotheactualfactsofreallife，asweknowthem。
　　JACK。Personally，darling，tospeakquitecandidly，Idon’tmuchcareaboutthenameofErnest……Idon’tthinkthenamesuitsmeatall。
　　GWENDOLEN。Itsuitsyouperfectly。Itisadivinename。Ithasamusicofitsown。Itproducesvibrations。
　　JACK。Well，really，Gwendolen，ImustsaythatIthinktherearelotsofothermuchnicernames。IthinkJack，forinstance，acharmingname。
　　GWENDOLEN。Jack？……No，thereisverylittlemusicinthenameJack，ifanyatall，indeed。Itdoesnotthrill。Itproducesabsolutelynovibrations……IhaveknownseveralJacks，andtheyall，withoutexception，weremorethanusuallyplain。Besides，JackisanotoriousdomesticityforJohn！AndIpityanywomanwhoismarriedtoamancalledJohn。Shewouldprobablyneverbeallowedtoknowtheentrancingpleasureofasinglemoment’ssolitude。TheonlyreallysafenameisErnestJACK。Gwendolen，Imustgetchristenedatonce-Imeanwemustgetmarriedatonce。Thereisnotimetobelost。
　　GWENDOLEN。Married，Mr。Worthing？
　　JACK。[Astounded。]Well……surely。YouknowthatIloveyou，andyouledmetobelieve，MissFairfax，thatyouwerenotabsolutelyindifferenttome。
　　GWENDOLEN。Iadoreyou。Butyouhaven’tproposedtomeyet。
　　Nothinghasbeensaidatallaboutmarriage。Thesubjecthasnotevenbeentouchedon。
　　JACK。Well……mayIproposetoyounow？
　　GWENDOLEN。Ithinkitwouldbeanadmirableopportunity。Andtospareyouanypossibledisappointment，Mr。Worthing，Ithinkitonlyfairtotellyouquitefranklybefore-handthatIamfullydeterminedtoacceptyou。
　　JACK。Gwendolen！
　　GWENDOLEN。Yes，Mr。Worthing，whathaveyougottosaytome？
　　JACK。YouknowwhatIhavegottosaytoyou。
　　GWENDOLEN。Yes，butyoudon’tsayit。
　　JACK。Gwendolen，willyoumarryme？[Goesonhisknees。]
　　GWENDOLEN。OfcourseIwill，darling。Howlongyouhavebeenaboutit！Iamafraidyouhavehadverylittleexperienceinhowtopropose。
　　JACK。Myownone，Ihaveneverlovedanyoneintheworldbutyou。
　　GWENDOLEN。Yes，butmenoftenproposeforpractice。IknowmybrotherGeralddoes。Allmygirl-friendstellmeso。Whatwonderfullyblueeyesyouhave，Ernest！Theyarequite，quite，blue。Ihopeyouwillalwayslookatmejustlikethat，especiallywhenthereareotherpeoplepresent。[EnterLADYBRACKNELL。]
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Mr。Worthing！Rise，sir，fromthissemi-recumbentposture。Itismostindecorous。
　　GWENDOLEN。Mamma！[Hetriestorise；sherestrainshim。]Imustbegyoutoretire。Thisisnoplaceforyou。Besides，Mr。
　　Worthinghasnotquitefinishedyet。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Finishedwhat，mayIask？
　　GWENDOLEN。IamengagedtoMr。Worthing，mamma。[Theyrisetogether。]
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Pardonme，youarenotengagedtoanyone。Whenyoudobecomeengagedtosomeone，I，oryourfather，shouldhishealthpermithim，willinformyouofthefact。Anengagementshouldcomeonayounggirlasasurprise，pleasantorunpleasant，asthecasemaybe。Itishardlyamatterthatshecouldbeallowedtoarrangeforherself……AndnowIhaveafewquestionstoputtoyou，Mr。Worthing。WhileIammakingtheseinquiries，you，Gwendolen，willwaitformebelowinthecarriage。
　　GWENDOLEN。[Reproachfully。]Mamma！
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Inthecarriage，Gwendolen！[GWENDOLENgoestothedoor。SheandJACKblowkissestoeachotherbehindLADY
　　BRACKNELL’Sback。LADYBRACKNELLlooksvaguelyaboutasifshecouldnotunderstandwhatthenoisewas。Finallyturnsround。]
　　Gwendolen，thecarriage！
　　GWENDOLEN。Yes，mamma。[Goesout，lookingbackatJACK。]
　　LADYBRACKNELL。[Sittingdown。]Youcantakeaseat，Mr。
　　Worthing。
　　[Looksinherpocketfornote-bookandpencil。]
　　JACK。Thankyou，LadyBracknell，Ipreferstanding。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。[Pencilandnote-bookinhand。]Ifeelboundtotellyouthatyouarenotdownonmylistofeligibleyoungmen，althoughIhavethesamelistasthedearDuchessofBoltonhas。
　　Weworktogether，infact。However，Iamquitereadytoenteryourname，shouldyouranswersbewhatareallyaffectionatemotherrequires。Doyousmoke？
　　JACK。Well，yes，ImustadmitIsmoke。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Iamgladtohearit。Amanshouldalwayshaveanoccupationofsomekind。TherearefartoomanyidlemeninLondonasitis。Howoldareyou？
　　JACK。Twenty-nine。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Averygoodagetobemarriedat。Ihavealwaysbeenofopinionthatamanwhodesirestogetmarriedshouldknoweithereverythingornothing。Whichdoyouknow？
　　JACK。[Aftersomehesitation。]Iknownothing，LadyBracknell。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Iampleasedtohearit。Idonotapproveofanythingthattamperswithnaturalignorance。Ignoranceislikeadelicateexoticfruit；touchitandthebloomisgone。Thewholetheoryofmoderneducationisradicallyunsound。FortunatelyinEngland，atanyrate，educationproducesnoeffectwhatsoever。Ifitdid，itwouldproveaseriousdangertotheupperclasses，andprobablyleadtoactsofviolenceinGrosvenorSquare。Whatisyourincome？
　　JACK。Betweensevenandeightthousandayear。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。[Makesanoteinherbook。]Inland，orininvestments？
　　JACK。Ininvestments，chiefly。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Thatissatisfactory。Whatbetweenthedutiesexpectedofoneduringone’slifetime，andthedutiesexactedfromoneafterone’sdeath，landhasceasedtobeeitheraprofitorapleasure。Itgivesoneposition，andpreventsonefromkeepingitup。That’sallthatcanbesaidaboutland。
　　JACK。Ihaveacountryhousewithsomeland，ofcourse，attachedtoit，aboutfifteenhundredacres，Ibelieve；butIdon’tdependonthatformyrealincome。Infact，asfarasIcanmakeout，thepoachersaretheonlypeoplewhomakeanythingoutofit。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Acountryhouse！Howmanybedrooms？Well，thatpointcanbeclearedupafterwards。Youhaveatownhouse，Ihope？
　　Agirlwithasimple，unspoilednature，likeGwendolen，couldhardlybeexpectedtoresideinthecountry。
　　JACK。Well，IownahouseinBelgraveSquare，butitisletbytheyeartoLadyBloxham。Ofcourse，IcangetitbackwheneverI
　　like，atsixmonths’notice。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。LadyBloxham？Idon’tknowher。
　　JACK。Oh，shegoesaboutverylittle。Sheisaladyconsiderablyadvancedinyears。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Ah，nowadaysthatisnoguaranteeofrespectabilityofcharacter。WhatnumberinBelgraveSquare？
　　JACK。149。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。[Shakingherhead。]Theunfashionableside。I
　　thoughttherewassomething。However，thatcouldeasilybealtered。
　　JACK。Doyoumeanthefashion，ortheside？
　　LADYBRACKNELL。[Sternly。]Both，ifnecessary，Ipresume。Whatareyourpolities？
　　JACK。Well，IamafraidIreallyhavenone。IamaLiberalUnionist。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Oh，theycountasTories。Theydinewithus。Orcomeintheevening，atanyrate。Nowtominormatters。Areyourparentsliving？
　　JACK。Ihavelostbothmyparents。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Toloseoneparent，Mr。Worthing，mayberegardedasamisfortune；tolosebothlookslikecarelessness。Whowasyourfather？Hewasevidentlyamanofsomewealth。WasheborninwhattheRadicalpaperscallthepurpleofcommerce，ordidherisefromtheranksofthearistocracy？
　　JACK。IamafraidIreallydon’tknow。Thefactis，LadyBracknell，IsaidIhadlostmyparents。Itwouldbenearerthetruthtosaythatmyparentsseemtohavelostme……Idon’tactuallyknowwhoIambybirth。Iwas……well，Iwasfound。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Found！
　　JACK。ThelateMr。ThomasCardew，anoldgentlemanofaverycharitableandkindlydisposition，foundme，andgavemethenameofWorthing，becausehehappenedtohaveafirst-classticketforWorthinginhispocketatthetime。WorthingisaplaceinSussex。
　　Itisaseasideresort。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Wheredidthecharitablegentlemanwhohadafirst-classticketforthisseasideresortfindyou？
　　JACK。[Gravely。]Inahand-bag。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Ahand-bag？
　　JACK。[Veryseriously。]Yes，LadyBracknell。Iwasinahand-bag-asomewhatlarge，blackleatherhand-bag，withhandlestoit-anordinaryhand-baginfact。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。InwhatlocalitydidthisMr。James，orThomas，Cardewcomeacrossthisordinaryhand-bag？
　　JACK。Inthecloak-roomatVictoriaStation。Itwasgiventohiminmistakeforhisown。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Thecloak-roomatVictoriaStation？
　　JACK。Yes。TheBrightonline。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Thelineisimmaterial。Mr。Worthing，IconfessI
　　feelsomewhatbewilderedbywhatyouhavejusttoldme。Tobeborn，oratanyratebred，inahand-bag，whetherithadhandlesornot，seemstometodisplayacontemptfortheordinarydecenciesoffamilylifethatremindsoneoftheworstexcessesoftheFrenchRevolution。AndIpresumeyouknowwhatthatunfortunatemovementledto？Asfortheparticularlocalityinwhichthehand-bagwasfound，acloak-roomatarailwaystationmightservetoconcealasocialindiscretion-hasprobably，indeed，beenusedforthatpurposebeforenow-butitcouldhardlyberegardedasanassuredbasisforarecognisedpositioningoodsociety。
　　JACK。MayIaskyouthenwhatyouwouldadvisemetodo？IneedhardlysayIwoulddoanythingintheworldtoensureGwendolen’shappiness。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Iwouldstronglyadviseyou，Mr。Worthing，totryandacquiresomerelationsassoonaspossible，andtomakeadefiniteefforttoproduceatanyrateoneparent，ofeithersex，beforetheseasonisquiteover。
　　JACK。Well，Idon’tseehowIcouldpossiblymanagetodothat。I
　　canproducethehand-bagatanymoment。Itisinmydressing-roomathome。Ireallythinkthatshouldsatisfyyou，LadyBracknell。
　　LADYBRACKNELL。Me，sir！Whathasittodowithme？YoucanhardlyimaginethatIandLordBracknellwoulddreamofallowingouronlydaughter-agirlbroughtupwiththeutmostcare-tomarryintoacloak-room，andformanalliancewithaparcel？Goodmorning，Mr。Worthing！
　　[LADYBRACKNELLsweepsoutinmajesticindignation。]
　　JACK。Goodmorning！[ALGERNON，fromtheotherroom，strikesuptheWeddingMarch。Jacklooksperfectlyfurious，andgoestothedoor。]Forgoodness’sakedon’tplaythatghastlytune，Algy。Howidioticyouare！
　　[ThemusicstopsandALGERNONenterscheerily。]
　　ALGERNON。Didn’titgooffallright，oldboy？Youdon’tmeantosayGwendolenrefusedyou？Iknowitisawayshehas。Sheisalwaysrefusingpeople。Ithinkitismostill-naturedofher。
　　JACK。Oh，Gwendolenisasrightasatrivet。Asfarassheisconcerned，weareengaged。Hermotherisperfectlyunbearable。
　　NevermetsuchaGorgon……Idon’treallyknowwhataGorgonislike，butIamquitesurethatLadyBracknellisone。Inanycase，sheisamonster，withoutbeingamyth，whichisratherunfair……Ibegyourpardon，Algy，IsupposeIshouldn’ttalkaboutyourownauntinthatwaybeforeyou。
　　ALGERNON。Mydearboy，Ilovehearingmyrelationsabused。Itistheonlythingthatmakesmeputupwiththematall。Relationsaresimplyatediouspackofpeople，whohaven’tgottheremotestknowledgeofhowtolive，northesmallestinstinctaboutwhentodie。
　　JACK。Oh，thatisnonsense！
　　ALGERNON。Itisn’t！
　　JACK。Well，Iwon’targueaboutthematter。Youalwayswanttoargueaboutthings。
　　ALGERNON。Thatisexactlywhatthingswereoriginallymadefor。
　　JACK。Uponmyword，ifIthoughtthat，I’dshootmyself……[A
　　pause。]Youdon’tthinkthereisanychanceofGwendolenbecominglikehermotherinaboutahundredandfiftyyears，doyou，Algy？
　　ALGERNON。Allwomenbecomeliketheirmothers。Thatistheirtragedy。Nomandoes。That’shis。
　　JACK。Isthatclever？
　　ALGERNON。Itisperfectlyphrased！andquiteastrueasanyobservationincivilisedlifeshouldbe。
　　JACK。Iamsicktodeathofcleverness。Everybodyisclevernowadays。Youcan’tgoanywherewithoutmeetingcleverpeople。
　　Thethinghasbecomeanabsolutepublicnuisance。Iwishtogoodnesswehadafewfoolsleft。
　　ALGERNON。Wehave。
　　JACK。Ishouldextremelyliketomeetthem。Whatdotheytalkabout？
　　ALGERNON。Thefools？Oh！aboutthecleverpeople，ofcourse。
　　JACK。Whatfools！
　　ALGERNON。Bytheway，didyoutellGwendolenthetruthaboutyourbeingErnestintown，andJackinthecountry？
　　JACK。[Inaverypatronisingmanner。]Mydearfellow，thetruthisn’tquitethesortofthingonetellstoanice，sweet，refinedgirl。Whatextraordinaryideasyouhaveaboutthewaytobehavetoawoman！
　　ALGERNON。Theonlywaytobehavetoawomanistomakelovetoher，ifsheispretty，andtosomeoneelse，ifsheisplain。
　　JACK。Oh，thatisnonsense。
　　ALGERNON。Whataboutyourbrother？WhatabouttheprofligateErnest？
　　JACK。Oh，beforetheendoftheweekIshallhavegotridofhim。