Afterscoringovermycalmnessinthisgraphicwayhenoddedwisely。
IfIhadseenthesight,heassuredme,IwouldneverforgetitaslongasIlived。Theweatherwastoobadtogivethecorpseaproperseaburial。
Sonextdayatdawntheytookituponthepoop,coveringitsfacewithabitofbunting;hereadashortprayer,andthen,justasitwas,initsoilskinsandlongboots,theylauncheditamongstthosemountainousseasthatseemedreadyeverymomenttoswallowuptheshipherselfandtheterrifiedlivesonboardofher。
"Thatreefedforesailsavedyou,"Ithrewin。
"UnderGod——itdid,"heexclaimedfervently。"Itwasbyaspecialmercy,Ifirmlybelieve,thatitstoodsomeofthosehurricanesqualls。"
"Itwasthesettingofthatsailwhich——"Ibegan。
"God’sownhandinit,"heinterruptedme。"Nothinglesscouldhavedoneit。
Idon’tmindtellingyouthatIhardlydaredgivetheorder。
Itseemedimpossiblethatwecouldtouchanythingwithoutlosingit,andthenourlasthopewouldhavebeengone。"
Theterrorofthatgalewasonhimyet。Ilethimgoonforabit,thensaid,casually——asifreturningtoaminorsubject:
"Youwereveryanxioustogiveupyourmatetotheshorepeople,Ibelieve?"
Hewas。Tothelaw。Hisobscuretenacityonthatpointhadinitsomethingincomprehensibleandalittleawful;something,asitwere,mystical,quiteapartfromhisanxietythatheshouldnotbesuspectedof"countenancinganydoingsofthatsort。"
Seven-and-thirtyvirtuousyearsatsea,ofwhichovertwentyofimmaculatecommand,andthelastfifteenintheSephora,seemedtohavelaidhimundersomepitilessobligation。
"Andyouknow,"hewenton,gropingshame-facedlyamongsthisfeelings,"Ididnotengagethatyoungfellow。Hispeoplehadsomeinterestwithmyowners。Iwasinawayforcedtotakehimon。
Helookedverysmart,verygentlemanly,andallthat。
Butdoyouknow——Ineverlikedhim,somehow。Iamaplainman。
Yousee,hewasn’texactlythesortforthechiefmateofashipliketheSephora。"
IhadbecomesoconnectedinthoughtsandimpressionswiththesecretsharerofmycabinthatIfeltasifI,personally,werebeinggiventounderstandthatI,too,wasnotthesortthatwouldhavedoneforthechiefmateofashipliketheSephora。
Ihadnodoubtofitinmymind。
"Notatallthestyleofman。Youunderstand,"heinsisted,superfluously,lookinghardatme。
Ismiledurbanely。Heseemedatalossforawhile。
"IsupposeImustreportasuicide。"
"Begpardon?"
"Suicide!That’swhatI’llhavetowritetomyownersdirectlyIgetin。"
"Unlessyoumanagetorecoverhimbeforetomorrow,"
Iassented,dispassionately……"Imean,alive。"
HemumbledsomethingwhichIreallydidnotcatch,andIturnedmyeartohiminapuzzledmanner。Hefairlybawled:
"Theland——Isay,themainlandisatleastsevenmilesoffmyanchorage。"
"Aboutthat。"
Mylackofexcitement,ofcuriosity,ofsurprise,ofanysortofpronouncedinterest,begantoarousehisdistrust。
ButexceptforthefelicitouspretenseofdeafnessIhadnottriedtopretendanything。Ihadfeltutterlyincapableofplayingthepartofignoranceproperly,andthereforewasafraidtotry。
Itisalsocertainthathehadbroughtsomeready-madesuspicionswithhim,andthatheviewedmypolitenessasastrangeandunnaturalphenomenon。AndyethowelsecouldIhavereceivedhim?
Notheartily!Thatwasimpossibleforpsychologicalreasons,whichIneednotstatehere。Myonlyobjectwastokeepoffhisinquiries。Surlily?Yes,butsurlinessmighthaveprovokedapoint-blankquestion。Fromitsnoveltytohimandfromitsnature,punctiliouscourtesywasthemannerbestcalculatedtorestraintheman。
Buttherewasthedangerofhisbreakingthroughmydefensebluntly。
Icouldnot,Ithink,havemethimbyadirectlie,alsoforpsychological(notmoral)reasons。IfhehadonlyknownhowafraidIwasofhisputtingmyfeelingofidentitywiththeothertothetest!
But,strangelyenough——(Ithoughtofitonlyafterwards)——
Ibelievethathewasnotalittledisconcertedbythereversesideofthatweirdsituation,bysomethinginmethatremindedhimofthemanhewasseeking——suggestedamysterioussimilitudetotheyoungfellowhehaddistrustedanddislikedfromthefirst。
Howeverthatmighthavebeen,thesilencewasnotveryprolonged。
Hetookanotherobliquestep。
"IreckonIhadnomorethanatwo-milepulltoyourship。
Notabitmore。"
"Andquiteenough,too,inthisawfulheat,"Isaid。
Anotherpausefullofmistrustfollowed。Necessity,theysay,ismotherofinvention,butfear,too,isnotbarrenofingenioussuggestions。
AndIwasafraidhewouldaskmepoint-blankfornewsofmyotherself。
"Nicelittlesaloon,isn’tit?"Iremarked,asifnoticingforthefirsttimethewayhiseyesroamedfromonecloseddoortotheother。
"Andverywellfittedout,too。Here,forinstance,"Icontinued,reachingoverthebackofmyseatnegligentlyandflingingthedooropen,"ismybathroom。"
Hemadeaneagermovement,buthardlygaveitaglance。
Igotup,shutthedoorofthebathroom,andinvitedhimtohavealookround,asifIwereveryproudofmyaccomodation。
Hehadtoriseandbeshownround,buthewentthroughthebusinesswithoutanyraptureswhatever。
"Andnowwe’llhavealookatmystateroom,"Ideclared,inavoiceasloudasIdaredtomakeit,crossingthecabintothestarboardsidewithpurposelyheavysteps。
Hefollowedmeinandgazedaround。Myintelligentdoublehadvanished。
Iplayedmypart。
"Veryconvenient——isn’tit?"
Verynice。Verycomf……"Hedidn’tfinishandwentoutbrusquelyasiftoescapefromsomeunrighteouswilesofmine。
Butitwasnottobe。Ihadbeentoofrightenednottofeelvengeful;
IfeltIhadhimontherun,andImeanttokeephimontherun。
Mypoliteinsistencemusthavehadsomethingmenacinginit,becausehegaveinsuddenly。AndIdidnotlethimoffasingleitem;
mate’sroom,pantry,storerooms,theverysaillockerwhichwasalsounderthepoop——hehadtolookintothemall。WhenatlastI
showedhimoutonthequarter-deckhedrewalong,spiritlesssigh,andmumbleddismallythathemustreallybegoingbacktohisshipnow。
Idesiredmymate,whohadjoinedus,toseetothecaptain’sboat。
Themanofwhiskersgaveablastonthewhistlewhichheusedtowearhangingroundhisneck,andyelled,"Sephora’saway!"
Mydoubledownthereinmycabinmusthaveheard,andcertainlycouldnotfeelmorerelievedthanI。Fourfellowscamerunningoutfromsomewhereforwardandwentovertheside,whilemyownmen,appearingondecktoo,linedtherail。Iescortedmyvisitortothegangwayceremoniously,andnearlyoverdidit。
Hewasatenaciousbeast。Ontheveryladderhelingered,andinthatunique,guiltilyconscientiousmannerofstickingtothepoint:
"Isay……you……youdon’tthinkthat——"
Icoveredhisvoiceloudly:
"Certainlynot……Iamdelighted。Good-by。"
Ihadanideaofwhathemeanttosay,andjustsavedmyselfbytheprivilegeofdefectivehearing。Hewastooshakengenerallytoinsist,butmymate,closewitnessofthatparting,lookedmystifiedandhisfacetookonathoughtfulcast。
AsIdidnotwanttoappearasifIwishedtoavoidallcommunicationwithmyofficers,hehadtheopportunitytoaddressme。
"Seemsaveryniceman。Hisboat’screwtoldourchapsaveryextraordinarystory,ifwhatIamtoldbythestewardistrue。
Isupposeyouhaditfromthecaptain,sir?"
"Yes。Ihadastoryfromthecaptain。"
"Averyhorribleaffair——isn’tit,sir?"
"Itis。"
"BeatsallthesetaleswehearaboutmurdersinYankeeships。"
"Idon’tthinkitbeatsthem。Idon’tthinkitresemblesthemintheleast。"
"Blessmysoul——youdon’tsayso!ButofcourseI’venoacquaintancewhateverwithAmericanships,notIsoIcouldn’tgoagainstyourknowledge。It’shorribleenoughforme……Butthequeerestpartisthatthosefellowsseemedtohavesomeideathemanwashiddenaboardhere。Theyhadreally。
Didyoueverhearofsuchathing?"
"Preposterous——isn’tit?"
Wewerewalkingtoandfroathwartthequarter-deck。Nooneofthecrewforwardcouldbeseen(thedaywasSunday),andthematepursued:
"Therewassomelittledisputeaboutit。Ourchapstookoffense。
`Asifwewouldharborathinglikethat,’theysaid。
`Wouldn’tyouliketolookforhiminourcoal-hole?’Quiteatiff。
Buttheymadeitupintheend。Isupposehediddrownhimself。
Don’tyou,sir?"
"Idon’tsupposeanything。"
"Youhavenodoubtinthematter,sir?"
"Nonewhatever。"
Ilefthimsuddenly。IfeltIwasproducingabadimpression,butwithmydoubledownthereitwasmosttryingtobeondeck。Anditwasalmostastryingtobebelow。Altogetheranerve-tryingsituation。
ButonthewholeIfeltlesstornintwowhenIwaswithhim。
TherewasnooneinthewholeshipwhomIdaredtakeintomyconfidence。Sincethehandshadgottoknowhisstory,itwouldhavebeenimpossibletopasshimoffforanyoneelse,andanaccidentaldiscoverywastobedreadednowmorethanever……
Thestewardbeingengagedinlayingthetablefordinner,wecouldtalkonlywithoureyeswhenIfirstwentdown。
Laterintheafternoonwehadacautioustryatwhispering。
TheSundayquietnessoftheshipwasagainstus;thestillnessofairandwateraroundherwasagainstus;theelements,themenwereagainstus——everythingwasagainstusinoursecretpartnership;timeitself——forthiscouldnotgoonforever。
TheverytrustinProvidencewas,Isuppose,deniedtohisguilt。
ShallIconfessthatthisthoughtcastmedownverymuch?
Andastothechapterofaccidentswhichcountsforsomuchinthebookofsuccess,Icouldonlyhopethatitwasclosed。
Forwhatfavorableaccidentcouldbeexpected?
"Didyouheareverything?"weremyfirstwordsassoonaswetookupourpositionsidebyside,leaningovermybedplace。
Hehad。Andtheproofofitwashisearnestwhisper,"Themantoldyouhehardlydaredtogivetheorder。"
Iunderstoodthereferencetobetothatsavingforesail。
"Yes。Hewasafraidofitbeinglostinthesetting。"
"Iassureyouhenevergavetheorder。Hemaythinkhedid,buthenevergaveit。Hestoodtherewithmeonthebreakofthepoopafterthemaintopsailblewaway,andwhimperedaboutourlasthope——
positivelywhimperedaboutitandnothingelse——andthenightcomingon!
Tohearone’sskippergoonlikethatinsuchweatherwasenoughtodriveanyfellowoutofhismind。Itworkedmeupintoasortofdesperation。Ijusttookitintomyownhandsandwentawayfromhim,boiling,and——Butwhat’stheusetellingyou?
YOUknow!……DoyouthinkthatifIhadnotbeenprettyfiercewiththemIshouldhavegotthementodoanything?NotIt!
Thebo’s’nperhaps?Perhaps!Itwasn’taheavysea——itwasaseagonemad!Isupposetheendoftheworldwillbesomethinglikethat;
andamanmayhavethehearttoseeitcomingonceandbedonewithit——
buttohavetofaceitdayafterday——Idon’tblameanybody。
Iwaspreciouslittlebetterthantherest。Only——Iwasanofficerofthatoldcoalwagon,anyhow——"
"Iquiteunderstand,"Iconveyedthatsincereassuranceintohisear。
Hewasoutofbreathwithwhispering;Icouldhearhimpantslightly。
Itwasallverysimple。Thesamestrung-upforcewhichhadgiventwenty-fourmenachance,atleast,fortheirlives,had,inasortofrecoil,crushedanunworthymutinousexistence。
ButIhadnoleisuretoweighthemeritsofthematter——
footstepsinthesaloon,aheavyknock。"There’senoughwindtogetunderwaywith,sir。"Herewasthecallofanewclaimuponmythoughtsandevenuponmyfeelings。
"Turnthehandsup,"Icriedthroughthedoor。"I’llbeondeckdirectly。"
Iwasgoingouttomaketheacquaintanceofmyship。
BeforeIleftthecabinoureyesmet——theeyesoftheonlytwostrangersonboard。Ipointedtotherecessedpartwherethelittlecampstoolawaitedhimandlaidmyfingeronmylips。
Hemadeagesture——somewhatvague——alittlemysterious,accompaniedbyafaintsmile,asifofregret。
Thisisnottheplacetoenlargeuponthesensationsofamanwhofeelsforthefirsttimeashipmoveunderhisfeettohisownindependentword。Inmycasetheywerenotunalloyed。
Iwasnotwhollyalonewithmycommand;fortherewasthatstrangerinmycabin。Orrather,Iwasnotcompletelyandwhollywithher。
Partofmewasabsent。Thatmentalfeelingofbeingintwoplacesatonceaffectedmephysicallyasifthemoodofsecrecyhadpenetratedmyverysoul。Beforeanhourhadelapsedsincetheshiphadbeguntomove,havingoccasiontoaskthemate(hestoodbymyside)totakeacompassbearingofthepagoda,Icaughtmyselfreachinguptohisearinwhispers。
IsayIcaughtmyself,butenoughhadescapedtostartletheman。
Ican’tdescribeitotherwisethanbysayingthatheshied。
Agrave,preoccupiedmanner,asthoughhewereinpossessionofsomeperplexingintelligence,didnotleavehimhenceforth。
AlittlelaterImovedawayfromtherailtolookatthecompasswithsuchastealthygaitthatthehelmsmannoticedit——
andIcouldnothelpnoticingtheunusualroundnessofhiseyes。
Thesearetriflinginstances,thoughit’stonocommander’sadvantagetobesuspectedofludicrouseccentricities。
ButIwasalsomoreseriouslyaffected。Therearetoaseamancertainwords,gestures,thatshouldingivenconditionscomeasnaturally,asinstinctivelyasthewinkingofamenacedeye。
Acertainordershouldspringontohislipswithoutthinking;
acertainsignshouldgetitselfmade,sotospeak,withoutreflection。Butallunconsciousalertnesshadabandonedme。
Ihadtomakeaneffortofwilltorecallmyselfback(fromthecabin)totheconditionsofthemoment。
IfeltthatIwasappearinganirresolutecommandertothosepeoplewhowerewatchingmemoreorlesscritically。
And,besides,therewerethescares。Ontheseconddayout,forinstance,comingoffthedeckintheafternoon(Ihadstrawslippersonmybarefeet)Istoppedattheopenpantrydoorandspoketothesteward。Hewasdoingsomethingtherewithhisbacktome。
Atthesoundofmyvoicehenearlyjumpedoutofhisskin,asthesayingis,andincidentallybrokeacup。
"Whatonearth’sthematterwithyou?"Iasked,astonished。
Hewasextremelyconfused。"Begyourpardon,sir。Imadesureyouwereinyourcabin。"
"YouseeIwasn’t。"
"No,sir。IcouldhaveswornIhadheardyoumovingintherenotamomentago。It’smostextraordinary……verysorry,sir。"
Ipassedonwithaninwardshudder。IwassoidentifiedwithmysecretdoublethatIdidnotevenmentionthefactinthosescanty,fearfulwhispersweexchanged。
Isupposehehadmadesomeslightnoiseofsomekindorother。
Itwouldhavebeenmiraculousifhehadn’tatonetimeoranother。
Andyet,haggardasheappeared,helookedalwaysperfectlyself-controlled,morethancalm——almostinvulnerable。
Onmysuggestionheremainedalmostentirelyinthebathroom,which,uponthewhole,wasthesafestplace。
Therecouldbereallynoshadowofanexcuseforanyoneeverwantingtogointhere,oncethestewardhaddonewithit。
Itwasaverytinyplace。Sometimeshereclinedonthefloor,hislegsbent,hisheadsustainedononeelbow。
AtothersIwouldfindhimonthecampstool,sittinginhisgraysleepingsuitandwithhiscroppeddarkhairlikeapatient,unmovedconvict。AtnightIwouldsmugglehimintomybedplace,andwewouldwhispertogether,withtheregularfootfallsoftheofficerofthewatchpassingandrepassingoverourheads。
Itwasaninfinitelymiserabletime。Itwasluckythatsometinsoffinepreserveswerestowedinalockerinmystateroom;
hardbreadIcouldalwaysgetholdof;andsohelivedonstewedchicken,PATEDEFOIEGRAS,asparagus,cookedoysters,sardines——
onallsortsofabominableshamdelicaciesoutoftins。
Myearly-morningcoffeehealwaysdrank;anditwasallI
dareddoforhiminthatrespect。
Everydaytherewasthehorriblemaneuveringtogothroughsothatmyroomandthenthebathroomshouldbedoneintheusualway。Icametohatethesightofthesteward,toabhorthevoiceofthatharmlessman。
Ifeltthatitwashewhowouldbringonthedisasterofdiscovery。
Ithunglikeaswordoverourheads。
Thefourthdayout,Ithink(wewerethenworkingdowntheeastsideoftheGulfofSiam,tackfortack,inlightwindsandsmoothwater)——
thefourthday,Isay,ofthismiserablejugglingwiththeunavoidable,aswesatatoureveningmeal,thatman,whoseslightestmovementIdreaded,afterputtingdownthedishesranupondeckbusily。
Thiscouldnotbedangerous。Presentlyhecamedownagain;
andthenitappearedthathehadrememberedacoatofminewhichIhadthrownoverarailtodryafterhavingbeenwettedinashowerwhichhadpassedovertheshipintheafternoon。
SittingstolidlyattheheadofthetableIbecameterrifiedatthesightofthegarmentonhisarm。Ofcoursehemadeformydoor。
Therewasnotimetolose。
"Steward,"Ithundered。MynervesweresoshakenthatI
couldnotgovernmyvoiceandconcealmyagitation。
Thiswasthesortofthingthatmademyterrificallywhiskeredmatetaphisforeheadwithhisforefinger。
Ihaddetectedhimusingthatgesturewhiletalkingondeckwithaconfidentialairtothecarpenter。Itwastoofartohearaword,butIhadnodoubtthatthispantomimecouldonlyrefertothestrangenewcaptain。
"Yes,sir,"thepale-facedstewardturnedresignedlytome。
Itwasthismaddeningcourseofbeingshoutedat,checkedwithoutrhymeorreason,arbitrarilychasedoutofmycabin,suddenlycalledintoit,sentflyingoutofhispantryonincomprehensibleerrands,thataccountedforthegrowingwretchednessofhisexpression。
"Whereareyougoingwiththatcoat?"
"Toyourroom,sir。"
"Isthereanothershowercoming?"
"I’msureIdon’tknow,sir。ShallIgoupagainandsee,sir?"
"No!nevermind。"
Myobjectwasattained,asofcoursemyotherselfintherewouldhaveheardeverythingthatpassed。Duringthisinterludemytwoofficersneverraisedtheireyesofftheirrespectiveplates;butthelipofthatconfoundedcub,thesecondmate,quiveredvisibly。
Iexpectedthestewardtohookmycoatonandcomeoutatonce。
Hewasveryslowaboutit;butIdominatedmynervousnesssufficientlynottoshoutafterhim。SuddenlyIbecameaware(itcouldbeheardplainlyenough)thatthefellowforsomereasonorotherwasopeningthedoorofthebathroom。Itwastheend。
Theplacewasliterallynotbigenoughtoswingacatin。
MyvoicediedinmythroatandIwentstonyallover。
Iexpectedtohearayellofsurpriseandterror,andmadeamovement,buthadnotthestrengthtogetonmylegs。
Everythingremainedstill。Hadmysecondselftakenthepoorwretchbythethroat?Idon’tknowwhatIcouldhavedonenextmomentifIhadnotseenthestewardcomeoutofmyroom,closethedoor,andthenstandquietlybythesideboard。
"Saved,"Ithought。"But,no!Lost!Gone!Hewasgone!"
Ilaidmyknifeandforkdownandleanedbackinmychair。Myheadswam。
Afterawhile,whensufficientlyrecoveredtospeakinasteadyvoice,Iinstructedmymatetoputtheshiproundateighto’clockhimself。
"Iwon’tcomeondeck,"Iwenton。"IthinkI’llturnin,andunlessthewindshiftsIdon’twanttobedisturbedbeforemidnight。
Ifeelabitseedy。"
"Youdidlookmiddlingbadalittlewhileago,"thechiefmateremarkedwithoutshowinganygreatconcern。
Theybothwentout,andIstaredatthestewardclearingthetable。
Therewasnothingtobereadonthatwretchedman’sface。
Butwhydidheavoidmyeyes,Iaskedmyself。ThenIthoughtI
shouldliketohearthesoundofhisvoice。
"Steward!"
"Sir!"Startledasusual。
"Wheredidyouhangupthatcoat?"
"Inthebathroom,sir。"Theusualanxioustone。
"It’snotquitedryyet,sir。"
ForsometimelongerIsatinthecuddy。Hadmydoublevanishedashehadcome?Butofhiscomingtherewasanexplanation,whereashisdisappearancewouldbeinexplicable……Iwentslowlyintomydarkroom,shutthedoor,lightedthelamp,andforatimedarednotturnround。WhenatlastIdidI
sawhimstandingbolt-uprightinthenarrowrecessedpart。
ItwouldnotbetruetosayIhadashock,butanirresistibledoubtofhisbodilyexistenceflittedthroughmymind。
Canitbe,Iaskedmyself,thatheisnotvisibletoothereyesthanmine?Itwaslikebeinghaunted。Motionless,withagraveface,heraisedhishandsslightlyatmeinagesturewhichmeantclearly,"Heavens!whatanarrowescape!"
Narrowindeed。IthinkIhadcomecreepingquietlyasnearinsanityasanymanwhohasnotactuallygoneovertheborder。
Thatgesturerestrainedme,sotospeak。
Thematewiththeterrificwhiskerswasnowputtingtheshipontheothertack。InthemomentofprofoundsilencewhichfollowsuponthehandsgoingtotheirstationsIheardonthepoophisraisedvoice:"Hardalee!"andthedistantshoutoftheorderrepeatedonthemain-deck。Thesails,inthatlightbreeze,madebutafaintflutteringnoise。
Itceased。Theshipwascomingroundslowly:Iheldmybreathintherenewedstillnessofexpectation;onewouldn’thavethoughtthattherewasasinglelivingsoulonherdecks。
Asuddenbriskshout,"Mainsailhaul!"brokethespell,andinthenoisycriesandrushoverheadofthemenrunningawaywiththemainbracewetwo,downinmycabin,cametogetherinourusualpositionbythebedplace。
Hedidnotwaitformyquestion。"Iheardhimfumblinghereandjustmanagedtosquatmyselfdowninthebath,"hewhisperedtome。
"Thefellowonlyopenedthedoorandputhisarmintohangthecoatup。
Allthesame——"
"Ineverthoughtofthat,"Iwhisperedback,evenmoreappalledthanbeforeattheclosenessoftheshave,andmarvelingatthatsomethingunyieldinginhischaracterwhichwascarryinghimthroughsofinely。Therewasnoagitationinhiswhisper。
Whoeverwasbeingdrivendistracted,itwasnothe。Hewassane。
Andtheproofofhissanitywascontinuedwhenhetookupthewhisperingagain。
"Itwouldneverdoformetocometolifeagain。"
Itwassomethingthataghostmighthavesaid。Butwhathewasalludingtowashisoldcaptain’sreluctantadmissionofthetheoryofsuicide。
Itwouldobviouslyservehisturn——ifIhadunderstoodatalltheviewwhichseemedtogoverntheunalterablepurposeofhisaction。
"YoumustmaroonmeassoonaseveryoucangetamongsttheseislandsofftheCambodgeshore,"hewenton。
"Maroonyou!Wearenotlivinginaboy’sadventuretale,"Iprotested。
Hisscornfulwhisperingtookmeup。
"Wearen’tindeed!There’snothingofaboy’staleinthis。
Butthere’snothingelseforit。Iwantnomore。
Youdon’tsupposeIamafraidofwhatcanbedonetome?
Prisonorgallowsorwhatevertheymayplease。
Butyoudon’tseemecomingbacktoexplainsuchthingstoanoldfellowinawigandtwelverespectabletradesmen,doyou?WhatcantheyknowwhetherIamguiltyornot——
orofWHATIamguilty,either?That’smyaffair。
WhatdoestheBiblesay?`Drivenoffthefaceoftheearth。’
Verywell,Iamoffthefaceoftheearthnow。AsIcameatnightsoIshallgo。"
"Impossible!"Imurmured。"Youcan’t。"
"Can’t?……NotnakedlikeasoulontheDayofJudgment。
Ishallfreezeontothissleepingsuit。TheLastDayisnotyet——
and……youhaveunderstoodthoroughly。Didn’tyou?"
Ifeltsuddenlyashamedofmyself。ImaysaytrulythatIunderstood——
andmyhesitationinlettingthatmanswimawayfrommyship’ssidehadbeenamereshamsentiment,asortofcowardice。
"Itcan’tbedonenowtillnextnight,"Ibreathedout。
"Theshipisontheoff-shoretackandthewindmayfailus。"
"AslongasIknowthatyouunderstand,"hewhispered。
"Butofcourseyoudo。It’sagreatsatisfactiontohavegotsomebodytounderstand。Youseemtohavebeenthereonpurpose。"
Andinthesamewhisper,asifwetwowheneverwetalkedhadtosaythingstoeachotherwhichwerenotfitfortheworldtohear,headded,"It’sverywonderful。"
Weremainedsidebysidetalkinginoursecretway——
butsometimessilentorjustexchangingawhisperedwordortwoatlongintervals。Andasusualhestaredthroughtheport。
Abreathofwindcamenowandagainintoourfaces。
Theshipmighthavebeenmooredindock,sogentlyandonanevenkeelsheslippedthroughthewater,thatdidnotmurmurevenatourpassage,shadowyandsilentlikeaphantomsea。
AtmidnightIwentondeck,andtomymate’sgreatsurpriseputtheshiproundontheothertack。
Histerriblewhiskersflittedroundmeinsilentcriticism。
Icertainlyshouldnothavedoneitifithadbeenonlyaquestionofgettingoutofthatsleepygulfasquicklyaspossible。
Ibelievehetoldthesecondmate,whorelievedhim,thatitwasagreatwantofjudgment。Theotheronlyyawned。
Thatintolerablecubshuffledaboutsosleepilyandlolledagainsttherailsinsuchaslack,improperfashionthatI
camedownonhimsharply。
"Aren’tyouproperlyawakeyet?"
"Yes,sir!Iamawake。"
"Well,then,begoodenoughtoholdyourselfasifyouwere。
Andkeepalookout。Ifthere’sanycurrentwe’llbeclosingwithsomeislandsbeforedaylight。"
Theeastsideofthegulfisfringedwithislands,somesolitary,othersingroups。Onethebluebackgroundofthehighcoasttheyseemtofloatonsilverypatchesofcalmwater,aridandgray,ordarkgreenandroundedlikeclumpsofevergreenbushes,withthelargerones,amileortwolong,showingtheoutlinesofridges,ribsofgrayrockunderthedarkmantleofmattedleafage。
Unknowntotrade,totravel,almosttogeography,themanneroflifetheyharborisanunsolvedsecret。Theremustbevillages——
settlementsoffishermenatleast——onthelargestofthem,andsomecommunicationwiththeworldisprobablykeptupbynativecraft。
Butallthatforenoon,asweheadedforthem,fannedalongbythefaintestofbreezes,IsawnosignofmanorcanoeinthefieldofthetelescopeIkeptonpointingatthescatteredgroup。
AtnoonIhavenoordersforachangeofcourse,andthemate’swhiskersbecamemuchconcernedandseemedtobeofferingthemselvesundulytomynotice。AtlastIsaid:
"Iamgoingtostandrightin。Quitein——asfarasIcantakeher。"
Thestareofextremesurpriseimpartedanairofferocityalsotohiseyes,andhelookedtrulyterrificforamoment。
"We’renotdoingwellinthemiddleofthegulf,"Icontinued,casually。
"Iamgoingtolookforthelandbreezestonight。"
"Blessmysoul!Doyoumean,sir,inthedarkamongstthelotofallthemislandsandreefsandshoals?"
"Well——ifthereareanyregularlandbreezesatallonthiscoastonemustgetcloseinshoretofindthem,mustn’tone?"
"Blessmysoul!"heexclaimedagainunderhisbreath。
Allthatafternoonheworeadreamy,contemplativeappearancewhichinhimwasamarkofperplexity。AfterdinnerI
wentintomystateroomasifImeanttotakesomerest。
Therewetwobentourdarkheadsoverahalf-unrolledchartlyingonmybed。
"There,"Isaid。"It’sgottobeKoh-ring。I’vebeenlookingatiteversincesunrise。Ithasgottwohillsandalowpoint。
Itmustbeinhabited。Andonthecoastoppositethereiswhatlookslikethemouthofabiggishriver——withsometowns,nodoubt,notfarup。
It’sthebestchanceforyouthatIcansee。"
"Anything。Koh-ringletitbe。"
Helookedthoughtfullyatthechartasifsurveyingchancesanddistancesfromaloftyheight——andfollowingwithhiseyeshisownfigurewanderingontheblanklandofCochin-China,andthenpassingoffthatpieceofpapercleanoutofsightintounchartedregions。
Anditwasasiftheshiphadtwocaptainstoplanhercourseforher。
IhadbeensoworriedandrestlessrunningupanddownthatI
hadnothadthepatiencetodressthatday。Ihadremainedinmysleepingsuit,withstrawslippersandasoftfloppyhat。
Theclosenessoftheheatinthegulfhadbeenmostoppressive,andthecrewwereusedtoseeingmewanderinginthatairyattire。
"Shewillclearthesouthpointassheheadsnow,"Iwhisperedintohisear。
"Goodnessonlyknowswhen,though,butcertainlyafterdark。
I’lledgeherintohalfamile,asfarasImaybeabletojudgeinthedark——"
"Becareful,"hemurmured,warningly——andIrealizedsuddenlythatallmyfuture,theonlyfutureforwhichIwasfit,wouldperhapsgoirretrievablytopiecesinanymishaptomyfirstcommand。
Icouldnotstopamomentlongerintheroom。Imotionedhimtogetoutofsightandmademywayonthepoop。Thatunplayfulcubhadthewatch。
Iwalkedupanddownforawhilethinkingthingsout,thenbeckonedhimover。
"Sendacoupleofhandstoopenthetwoquarter-deckports,"
Isaid,mildly。
Heactuallyhadtheimpudence,orelsesoforgothimselfinhiswonderatsuchanincomprehensibleorder,astorepeat:
"Openthequarter-deckports!Whatfor,sir?"
"TheonlyreasonyouneedconcernyourselfaboutisbecauseItellyoutodoso。Havethemopenwideandfastenedproperly。"
Hereddenedandwentoff,butIbelievemadesomejeeringremarktothecarpenterastothesensiblepracticeofventilatingaship’squarter-deck。Iknowhepoppedintothemate’scabintoimpartthefacttohimbecausethewhiskerscameondeck,asitwerebychance,andstoleglancesatmefrombelow——
forsignsoflunacyordrunkenness,Isuppose。
Alittlebeforesupper,feelingmorerestlessthanever,Irejoined,foramoment,mysecondself。Andtofindhimsittingsoquietlywassurprising,likesomethingagainstnature,inhuman。
Idevelopedmyplaninahurriedwhisper。
"IshallstandinascloseasIdareandthenputherround。
Iwillpresentlyfindmeanstosmuggleyououtofhereintothesaillocker,whichcommunicateswiththelobby。
Butthereisanopening,asortofsquareforhaulingthesailsout,whichgivesstraightonthequarter-deckandwhichisneverclosedinfineweather,soastogiveairtothesails。
Whentheship’swayisdeadenedinstaysandallthehandsareaftatthemainbracesyouwillhaveaclearroadtoslipoutandgetoverboardthroughtheopenquarter-deckport。
I’vehadthembothfastenedup。Usearope’sendtoloweryourselfintothewatersoastoavoidasplash——youknow。
Itcouldbeheardandcausesomebeastlycomplication。"
Hekeptsilentforawhile,thenwhispered,"Iunderstand。"
"Iwon’tbetheretoseeyougo,"Ibeganwithaneffort。
"Therest……IonlyhopeIhaveunderstood,too。"
"Youhave。Fromfirsttolast"——andforthefirsttimethereseemedtobeafaltering,somethingstrainedinhiswhisper。
Hecaughtholdofmyarm,buttheringingofthesupperbellmademestart。Hedidn’tthough;heonlyreleasedhisgrip。
AftersupperIdidn’tcomebelowagaintillwellpasteighto’clock。Thefaint,steadybreezewasloadedwithdew;andthewet,darkenedsailsheldalltherewasofpropellingpowerinit。
Thenight,clearandstarry,sparkleddarkly,andtheopaque,lightlesspatchesshiftingslowlyagainstthelowstarswerethedriftingislets。Ontheportbowtherewasabigonemoredistantandshadowilyimposingbythegreatspaceofskyiteclipsed。
OnopeningthedoorIhadabackviewofmyveryownselflookingatachart。
Hehadcomeoutoftherecessandwasstandingnearthetable。
"Quitedarkenough,"Iwhispered。
Hesteppedbackandleanedagainstmybedwithalevel,quietglance。
Isatonthecouch。Wehadnothingtosaytoeachother。
Overourheadstheofficerofthewatchmovedhereandthere。
ThenIheardhimmovequickly。Iknewwhatthatmeant。
Hewasmakingforthecompanion;andpresentlyhisvoicewasoutsidemydoor。
"Wearedrawinginprettyfast,sir。Landlooksratherclose。"
"Verywell,"Ianswered。"Iamcomingondeckdirectly。"
Iwaitedtillhewasgoneoutofthecuddy,thenrose。Mydoublemovedtoo。
Thetimehadcometoexchangeourlastwhispers,forneitherofuswasevertoheareachother’snaturalvoice。
"Lookhere!"Iopenedadrawerandtookoutthreesovereigns。
"Takethisanyhow。I’vegotsixandI’dgiveyouthelot,onlyImustkeepalittlemoneytobuysomefruitandvegetablesforthecrewfromnativeboatsaswegothroughSundaStraits。"
Heshookhishead。
"Takeit,"Iurgedhim,whisperingdesperately。
"Noonecantellwhat——"
Hesmiledandslappedmeaninglytheonlypocketofthesleepingjacket。
Itwasnotsafe,certainly。ButIproducedalargeoldsilkhandkerchiefofmine,andtyingthethreepiecesofgoldinacorner,presseditonhim。
Hewastouched,Isupposed,becausehetookitatlastandtieditquicklyroundhiswaistunderthejacket,onhisbareskin。
Oureyesmet;severalsecondselapsed,till,ourglancesstillmingled,Iextendedmyhandandturnedthelampout。
ThenIpassedthroughthecuddy,leavingthedoorofmyroomwideopen……"Steward!"
Hewasstilllingeringinthepantryinthegreatnessofhiszeal,givingarub-uptoaplatedcruetstandthelastthingbeforegoingtobed。
Beingcarefulnottowakeupthemate,whoseroomwasopposite,Ispokeinanundertone。
Helookedroundanxiously。"Sir!"
"Canyougetmealittlehotwaterfromthegalley?"
"Iamafraid,sir,thegalleyfire’sbeenoutforsometimenow。"
"Goandsee。"
Heflewupthestairs。
"Now,"Iwhispered,loudly,intothesaloon——tooloudly,perhaps,butIwasafraidIcouldn’tmakeasound。
Hewasbymysideinaninstant——thedoublecaptainslippedpastthestairs——throughatinydarkpassage……aslidingdoor。
Wewereinthesaillocker,scramblingonourkneesoverthesails。
Asuddenthoughtstruckme。Isawmyselfwanderingbarefooted,bareheaded,thesunbeatingonmydarkpoll。
Isnatchedoffmyfloppyhatandtriedhurriedlyinthedarktoramitonmyotherself。Hedodgedandfendedoffsilently。
Iwonderwhathethoughthadcometomebeforeheunderstoodandsuddenlydesisted。Ourhandsmetgropingly,lingeredunitedinasteady,motionlessclaspforasecond……Nowordwasbreathedbyeitherofuswhentheyseparated。
Iwasstandingquietlybythepantrydoorwhenthestewardreturned。
"Sorry,sir。Kettlebarelywarm。ShallIlightthespiritlamp?"
"Nevermind。"
Icameoutondeckslowly。Itwasnowamatterofconsciencetoshavethelandascloseaspossible——fornowhemustgooverboardwhenevertheshipwasputinstays。Must!Therecouldbenogoingbackforhim。AfteramomentIwalkedovertoleewardandmyheartflewintomymouthatthenearnessofthelandonthebow。
UnderanyothercircumstancesIwouldnothaveheldonaminutelonger。
Thesecondmatehadfollowedmeanxiously。
IlookedontillIfeltIcouldcommandmyvoice。
"Shewillweather,"Isaidtheninaquiettone。
"Areyougoingtotrythat,sir?"hestammeredoutincredulously。
Itooknonoticeofhimandraisedmytonejustenoughtobeheardbythehelmsman。
"Keephergoodfull。"
"Goodfull,sir。"
Thewindfannedmycheek,thesailsslept,theworldwassilent。
Thestrainofwatchingthedarkloomofthelandgrowbiggeranddenserwastoomuchforme。Ihadshutmyeyes——becausetheshipmustgocloser。
Shemust!Thestillnesswasintolerable。Werewestandingstill?
WhenIopenedmyeyesthesecondviewstartedmyheartwithathump。
TheblacksouthernhillofKoh-ringseemedtohangrightovertheshiplikeatoweringfragmentofeverlastingnight。
Onthatenormousmassofblacknesstherewasnotagleamtobeseen,notasoundtobeheard。Itwasglidingirresistiblytowardsusandyetseemedalreadywithinreachofthehand。
Isawthevaguefiguresofthewatchgroupedinthewaist,gazinginawedsilence。
"Areyougoingon,sir?"inquiredanunsteadyvoiceatmyelbow。
Iignoredit。Ihadtogoon。
"Keepherfull。Don’tcheckherway。Thatwon’tdonow,"
Isaidwarningly。
"Ican’tseethesailsverywell,"thehelmsmanansweredme,instrange,quaveringtones。
Wasshecloseenough?Alreadyshewas,Iwon’tsayintheshadowoftheland,butintheveryblacknessofit,alreadyswallowedupasitwere,gonetooclosetoberecalled,gonefrommealtogether。
"Givethemateacall,"Isaidtotheyoungmanwhostoodatmyelbowasstillasdeath。"Andturnallhandsup。"
Mytonehadaborrowedloudnessreverberatedfromtheheightoftheland。
Severalvoicescriedouttogether:"Weareallondeck,sir。"
Thenstillnessagain,withthegreatshadowglidingcloser,toweringhigher,withoutalight,withoutasound。
SuchahushhadfallenontheshipthatshemighthavebeenabarkofthedeadfloatinginslowlyundertheverygateofErebus。
"MyGod!Wherearewe?"
Itwasthematemoaningatmyelbow。Hewasthunderstruck,andasitweredeprivedofthemoralsupportofhiswhiskers。
Heclappedhishandsandabsolutelycriedout,"Lost!"
"Bequiet,"Isaid,sternly。
Heloweredhistone,butIsawtheshadowygestureofhisdespair。
"Whatarewedoinghere?"
"Lookingforthelandwind。"
Hemadeasiftotearhishair,andaddressedmerecklessly。
"Shewillnevergetout。Youhavedoneit,sir。Iknewit’dendinsomethinglikethis。Shewillneverweather,andyouaretooclosenowtostay。
She’lldriftashorebeforeshe’sround。OmyGod!"
Icaughthisarmashewasraisingittobatterhispoordevotedhead,andshookitviolently。
"She’sashorealready,"hewailed,tryingtotearhimselfaway。
"Isshe?……Keepgoodfullthere!"
"Goodfull,sir,"criedthehelmsmaninafrightened,thin,childlikevoice。
Ihadn’tletgothemate’sarmandwentonshakingit。"Readyabout,doyouhear?Yougoforward"——shake——"andstopthere"——shake——"andholdyournoise"——shake——"andseethesehead-sheetsproperlyoverhauled"——
shake,shake——shake。
AndallthetimeIdarednotlooktowardsthelandlestmyheartshouldfailme。Ireleasedmygripatlastandheranforwardasiffleeingfordearlife。
Iwonderedwhatmydoublethereinthesaillockerthoughtofthiscommotion。Hewasabletoheareverything——andperhapshewasabletounderstandwhy,onmyconscience,ithadtobethusclose——noless。
Myfirstorder"Hardalee!"re-echoedominouslyunderthetoweringshadowofKoh-ringasifIhadshoutedinamountaingorge。
AndthenIwatchedthelandintently。Inthatsmoothwaterandlightwinditwasimpossibletofeeltheshipcoming-to。No!
Icouldnotfeelher。Andmysecondselfwasmakingnowreadytoshipoutandlowerhimselfoverboard。Perhapshewasgonealready……?
Thegreatblackmassbroodingoverourverymastheadsbegantopivotawayfromtheship’ssidesilently。AndnowIforgotthesecretstrangerreadytodepart,andrememberedonlythatIwasatotalstrangertotheship。
Ididnotknowher。Wouldshedoit?Howwasshetobehandled?
Iswungthemainyardandwaitedhelplessly。Shewasperhapsstopped,andherveryfatehunginthebalance,withtheblackmassofKoh-ringlikethegateoftheeverlastingnighttoweringoverhertaffrail。Whatwouldshedonow?Hadshewayonheryet?
Isteppedtothesideswiftly,andontheshadowywaterIcouldseenothingexceptafaintphosphorescentflashrevealingtheglassysmoothnessofthesleepingsurface。Itwasimpossibletotell——
andIhadnotlearnedyetthefeelofmyship。Wasshemoving?
WhatIneededwassomethingeasilyseen,apieceofpaper,whichIcouldthrowoverboardandwatch。Ihadnothingonme。
TorundownforitIdidn’tdare。Therewasnotime。
Allatoncemystrained,yearningstaredistinguishedawhiteobjectfloatingwithinayardoftheship’sside。
Whiteontheblackwater。Aphosphorescentflashpassedunderit。
Whatwasthatthing?……Irecognizedmyownfloppyhat。
Itmusthavefallenoffhishead……andhedidn’tbother。
NowIhadwhatIwanted——thesavingmarkformyeyes。
ButIhardlythoughtofmyotherself,nowgonefromtheship,tobehiddenforeverfromallfriendlyfaces,tobeafugitiveandavagabondontheearth,withnobrandofthecurseonhissaneforeheadtostayaslayinghand……tooproudtoexplain。
AndIwatchedthehat——theexpressionofmysuddenpityforhismereflesh。
Ithadbeenmeanttosavehishomelessheadfromthedangersofthesun。
Andnow——behold——itwassavingtheship,byservingmeforamarktohelpouttheignoranceofmystrangeness。Ha!Itwasdriftingforward,warningmejustintimethattheshiphadgatheredsternaway。
"Shiftthehelm,"Isaidinalowvoicetotheseamanstandingstilllikeastatue。
Theman’seyesglistenedwildlyinthebinnaclelightashejumpedroundtotheothersideandspunroundthewheel。
Iwalkedtothebreakofthepoop。Ontheover-shadoweddeckallhandsstoodbytheforebraceswaitingformyorder。
Thestarsaheadseemedtobeglidingfromrighttoleft。
AndallwassostillintheworldthatIheardthequietremark,"She’sround,"passedinatoneofintensereliefbetweentwoseamen。
"Letgoandhaul。"
Theforeyardsranroundwithagreatnoise,amidstcheerycries。
Andnowthefrightfulwhiskersmadethemselvesheardgivingvariousorders。
Alreadytheshipwasdrawingahead。AndIwasalonewithher。
Nothing!nooneintheworldshouldstandnowbetweenus,throwingashadowonthewayofsilentknowledgeandmuteaffection,theperfectcommunionofaseamanwithhisfirstcommand。
Walkingtothetaffrail,Iwasintimetomakeout,ontheveryedgeofadarknessthrownbyatoweringblackmassliketheverygatewayofErebus——yes,Iwasintimetocatchanevanescentglimpseofmywhitehatleftbehindtomarkthespotwherethesecretsharerofmycabinandofmythoughts,asthoughheweremysecondself,hadloweredhimselfintothewatertotakehispunishment:
afreeman,aproudswimmerstrikingoutforanewdestiny。