"I'vegotholdofanideaforsomethingimmense，"hebabbled，"somethingthatissimplyIt。"
　　Bassetgaveashortlaughthatwouldhavedoneequallywellasasnort，ifonehadwantedtomaketheexchange。Hishalf-brotherwasinthehabitofdiscoveringfutilitiesthatwere"simplyIt"atfrequentlyrecurringintervals。Thediscoverygenerallymeantthatheflewuptotown，precededbyglowingly-
　　wordedtelegrams，toseesomeoneconnectedwiththestageorthepublishingworld，gottogetheroneortwomomentousluncheonparties，flittedinandoutof"Gambrinus"foroneortwoevenings，andreturnedhomewithanairofsubduedimportanceandtheasparagustintslightlyintensified。Thegreatideawasgenerallyforgottenafewweekslaterintheexcitementofsomenewdiscovery。
　　"TheinspirationcametomewhilstIwasdressing，"
　　announcedLucas；"itwillbeTHEthinginthenextmusic-
　　hallREVUE。AllLondonwillgomadoverit。It'sjustacouplet；ofcoursetherewillbeotherwords，buttheywon'tmatter。Listen：
　　CousinTeresatakesoutCaesar，Fido，Jock，andthebigborzoi。
　　Alifting，catchysortofrefrain，yousee，andbig-
　　drumbusinessonthetwosyllablesofbor-zoi。It'simmense。AndI'vethoughtoutallthebusinessofit；
　　thesingerwillsingthefirstversealone，thenduringthesecondverseCousinTeresawillwalkthrough，followedbyfourwoodendogsonwheels；CaesarwillbeanIrishterrier，Fidoablackpoodle，Jockafox-terrier，andtheborzoi，ofcourse，willbeaborzoi。DuringthethirdverseCousinTeresawillcomeonalone，andthedogswillbedrawnacrossbythemselvesfromtheoppositewing；thenCousinTeresawillcatchontothesingerandgooff-stageinonedirection，whilethedogs'processiongoesoffintheother，crossingenroute，whichisalwaysveryeffective。There'llbealotofapplausethere，andforthefourthverseCousinTeresawillcomeoninsablesandthedogswillallhavecoatson。ThenI'vegotagreatideaforthefifthverse；eachofthedogswillbeledonbyaNut，andCousinTeresawillcomeonfromtheoppositeside，crossingenroute，alwayseffective，andthensheturnsroundandleadsthewholelotofthemoffonastring，andallthetimeeveryonesinginglikemad：
　　CousinTeresatakesoutCaesarFido，Jock，andthebigborzoi。
　　Tum-Tum！Drumbusinessonthetwolastsyllables。
　　I'msoexcited，Ishan'tsleepawinkto-night。I'moffto-morrowbytheten-fifteen。I'vewiredtoHermanovatolunchwithme。"
　　IfanyoftherestofthefamilyfeltanyexcitementoverthecreationofCousinTeresa，theyweresignallysuccessfulinconcealingthefact。
　　"PoorLucasdoestakehissillylittleideasseriously，"saidColonelHarrowcluffafterwardsinthesmoking-room。
　　"Yes，"saidhisyoungerson，inaslightlylesstoleranttone，"inadayortwohe'llcomebackandtellusthathissensationalmasterpieceisabovetheheadsofthepublic，andinaboutthreeweeks'timehe'llbewildwithenthusiasmoveraschemetodramatisethepoemsofHerrickorsomethingequallypromising。"
　　Andthenanextraordinarythingbefell。IndefianceofallprecedentLucas'sglowinganticipationswerejustifiedandendorsedbythecourseofevents。IfCousinTeresawasabovetheheadsofthepublic，thepublicheroicallyadapteditselftoheraltitude。
　　IntroducedasanexperimentatadullmomentinanewREVUE，thesuccessoftheitemwasunmistakable；thecallsweresoinsistentanduproariousthatevenLucas'
　　ampledevisingsofadditional"business"scarcelysufficedtokeeppacewiththedemand。Packedhousesonsuccessiveeveningsconfirmedtheverdictofthefirstnightaudience，stallsandboxesfilledsignificantlyjustbeforetheturncameon，andemptiedsignificantlyafterthelastENCOREhadbeengiven。ThemanagertearfullyacknowledgedthatCousinTeresawasIt。Stagehandsandsupersandprogrammesellersacknowledgedittooneanotherwithouttheleastreservation。ThenameoftheREVUEdwindledtosecondaryimportance，andvastlettersofelectricblueblazonedthewords"CousinTeresa"fromthefrontofthegreatpalaceofpleasure。
　　And，ofcourse，themagicofthefamousrefrainlaiditsspellallovertheMetropolis。Restaurantproprietorswereobligedtoprovidethemembersoftheirorchestraswithpaintedwoodendogsonwheels，inorderthatthemuch-demandedandalwaysconcededmelodyshouldberenderedwiththenecessaryspectaculareffects，andthecrashofbottlesandforksonthetablesatthementionofthebigborzoiusuallydrownedthesinceresteffortsofdrumorcymbals。Nowhereandatnotimecouldonegetawayfromthedoublethumpthatbroughtuptherearoftherefrain；revellersreelinghomeatnightbangeditondoorsandhoardings，milkmenclashedtheircanstoitscadence，messengerboyshitsmallermessengerboysresoundingdoublesmacksonthesameprinciple。Andthemorethoughtfulcirclesofthegreatcitywerenotdeaftotheclaimsandsignificanceofthepopularmelody。Anenterprisingandemancipatedpreacherdiscoursedfromhispulpitontheinnermeaningof"CousinTeresa，"andLucasHarrowcluffwasinvitedtolectureonthesubjectofhisgreatachievementtomembersoftheYoungMens'EndeavourLeague，theNineArtsClub，andotherlearnedandwilling-to-learnbodies。InSocietyitseemedtobetheonethingpeoplereallycaredtotalkabout；menandwomenofmiddleageandaverageeducationmightbeseentogetherincornersearnestlydiscussing，notthequestionwhetherServiashouldhaveanoutletontheAdriatic，orthepossibilitiesofaBritishsuccessininternationalpolocontests，butthemoreabsorbingtopicoftheproblematicAztecorNiloticoriginoftheTeresaMOTIV。
　　"Politicsandpatriotismaresoboringandsooutofdate，"saidareveredladywhohadsomepretensionstooracularutterance；"wearetoocosmopolitannowadaystobereallymovedbythem。Thatiswhyonewelcomesanintelligibleproductionlike'CousinTeresa，'thathasagenuinemessageforone。Onecan'tunderstandthemessageallatonce，ofcourse，butonefeltfromtheveryfirstthatitwasthere。I'vebeentoseeiteighteentimesandI'mgoingagainto-morrowandonThursday。Onecan'tseeitoftenenough。"
　　****
　　"ItwouldberatherapopularmoveifwegavethisHarrowcluffpersonaknighthoodorsomethingofthesort，"saidtheMinisterreflectively。
　　"WhichHarrowcluff？"askedhissecretary。
　　"Which？Thereisonlyone，isn'tthere？"saidtheMinister；"the'CousinTeresa'man，ofcourse。Ithinkeveryonewouldbepleasedifweknightedhim。Yes，youcanputhimdownonthelistofcertainties-undertheletterL。"
　　"TheletterL，"saidthesecretary，whowasnewtohisjob；"doesthatstandforLiberalismorliberality？"
　　MostoftherecipientsofMinisterialfavourwereexpectedtoqualifyinbothofthosesubjects。
　　"Literature，"explainedtheMinister。
　　Andthus，afterafashion，ColonelHarrowcluff'sexpectationofseeinghisson'snameinthelistofHonourswasgratified。
　　THEYARKANDMANNER
　　SIRLULWORTHQUAYNEwasmakingaleisurelyprogressthroughtheZoologicalSociety'sGardensincompanywithhisnephew，recentlyreturnedfromMexico。ThelatterwasinterestedincomparingandcontrastingalliedtypesofanimalsoccurringintheNorthAmericanandOldWorldfauna。
　　"Oneofthemostremarkablethingsinthewanderingsofspecies，"heobserved，"isthesuddenimpulsetotrekandmigratethatbreaksoutnowandagain，fornoapparentreason，incommunitiesofhithertostay-at-homeanimals。"
　　"Inhumanaffairsthesamephenomenonisoccasionallynoticeable，"saidSirLulworth；"perhapsthemoststrikinginstanceofitoccurredinthiscountrywhileyouwereawayinthewildsofMexico。ImeanthewanderfeverwhichsuddenlydisplayeditselfinthemanagingandeditorialstaffsofcertainLondonnewspapers。ItbeganwiththestampedeoftheentirestaffofoneofourmostbrilliantandenterprisingweekliestothebanksoftheSeineandtheheightsofMontmartre。Themigrationwasabriefone，butitheraldedaneraofrestlessnessinthePressworldwhichlentquiteanewmeaningtothephrase'newspapercirculation。'Othereditorialstaffswerenotslowtoimitatetheexamplethathadbeensetthem。Parissoondroppedoutoffashionasbeingtoonearhome；Nurnberg，Seville，andSalonicabecamemorefavouredasplanting-
　　outgroundsforthepersonnelofnotonlyweeklybutdailypapersaswell。Thelocalitieswereperhapsnotalwayswellchosen；thefactofaleadingorganofEvangelicalthoughtbeingeditedfortwosuccessivefortnightsfromTrouvilleandMonteCarlowasgenerallyadmittedtohavebeenamistake。Andevenwhenenterprisingandadventurouseditorstookthemselvesandtheirstaffsfurtherafieldthereweresomeunavoidableclashings。Forinstance，theSCRUTATOR，SPORTINGBLUFF，andTHEDAMSELS'OWNPAPERallpitchedonKhartoumforthesameweek。Itwas，perhaps，adesiretoout-distanceallpossiblecompetitionthatinfluencedthemanagementoftheDAILYINTELLIGENCER，oneofthemostsolidandrespectedorgansofLiberalopinion，initsdecisiontotransferitsofficesforthreeorfourweeksfromFleetStreettoEasternTurkestan，allowing，ofcourse，anecessarymarginoftimeforthejourneythereandback。
　　Thiswas，inmanyrespects，themostremarkableofallthePressstampedesthatwereexperiencedatthistime。
　　Therewasnomake-believeabouttheundertaking；
　　proprietor，manager，editor，sub-editors，leader-writers，principalreporters，andsoforth，alltookpartinwhatwaspopularlyalludedtoastheDRANGNACHOSTEN；anintelligentandefficientoffice-boywasallthatwasleftinthedesertedhiveofeditorialindustry。"
　　"Thatwasdoingthingsratherthoroughly，wasn'tit？"saidthenephew。
　　"Well，yousee，"saidSirLulworth，"themigrationideawasfallingsomewhatintodisreputefromthehalf-
　　heartedmannerinwhichitwasoccasionallycarriedout。
　　YouwerenotimpressedbytheinformationthatsuchandsuchapaperwasbeingeditedandbroughtoutatLisbonorInnsbruckifyouchancedtoseetheprincipalleader-
　　writerorthearteditorlunchingasusualattheiraccustomedrestaurants。TheDAILYINTELLIGENCERwasdeterminedtogivenoloopholeforcavilatthegenuinenessofitspilgrimage，anditmustbeadmittedthattoacertainextentthearrangementsmadefortransmittingcopyandcarryingontheusualfeaturesofthepaperduringthelongoutwardjourneyworkedsmoothlyandwell。TheseriesofarticleswhichcommencedatBakuon'WhatCobdenismmightdoforthecamelindustry'ranksamongthebestoftherecentcontributionstoFreeTradeliterature，whiletheviewsonforeignpolicyenunciated'fromaroofinYarkand'showedatleastasmuchgraspoftheinternationalsituationasthosethathadgerminatedwithinhalfamileofDowningStreet。Quiteinkeeping，too，withtheolderandbettertraditionsofBritishjournalismwasthemannerofthehome-coming；nobombast，nopersonaladvertisement，noflamboyantinterviews。
　　EvenacomplimentaryluncheonattheVoyagers'Clubwascourteouslydeclined。Indeed，itbegantobefeltthattheself-effacementofthereturnedpressmenwasbeingcarriedtoapedanticlength。Foremancompositors，advertisementclerks，andothermembersofthenon-
　　editorialstaff，whohad，ofcourse，takennopartinthegreattrek，founditasimpossibletogetintodirectcommunicationwiththeeditorandhissatellitesnowthattheyhadreturnedaswhentheyhadbeenexcusablyinaccessibleinCentralAsia。Thesulky，overworkedoffice-boy，whowastheoneconnectinglinkbetweentheeditorialbrainandthebusinessdepartmentsofthepaper，sardonicallyexplainedthenewaloofnessasthe'Yarkandmanner。'Mostofthereportersandsub-editorsseemedtohavebeendismissedinautocraticfashionsincetheirreturnandnewonesengagedbyletter；tothesetheeditorandhisimmediateassociatesremainedanunseenpresence，issuingitsinstructionssolelythroughthemediumofcurttypewrittennotes。SomethingmysticandTibetanandforbiddenhadreplacedthehumanbustleanddemocraticsimplicityofpre-migrationdays，andthesameexperiencewasencounteredbythosewhomadesocialoverturestothereturnedwanderers。ThemostbrillianthostessofTwentiethCenturyLondonflungthepearlofherhospitalityintotheunresponsivetroughoftheeditorialletter-box；itseemedasifnothingshortofaRoyalcommandwoulddragthehermit-souledREVENANTSfromtheirself-imposedseclusion。PeoplebegantotalkunkindlyoftheeffectofhighaltitudesandEasternatmosphereonmindsandtemperamentsunusedtosuchluxuries。TheYarkandmannerwasnotpopular。"
　　"Andthecontentsofthepaper，"saidthenephew，"didtheyshowtheinfluenceofthenewstyle？"
　　"Ah！"saidSirLulworth，"thatwastheexcitingthing。Inhomeaffairs，socialquestions，andtheordinaryeventsofthedaynotmuchchangewasnoticeable。AcertainOrientalcarelessnessseemedtohavecreptintotheeditorialdepartment，andperhapsanoteoflassitudenotunnaturalintheworkofmenwhohadreturnedfromwhathadbeenafairlyarduousjourney。
　　Theaforetimestandardofexcellencewasscarcelymaintained，butatanyratethegenerallinesofpolicyandoutlookwerenotdepartedfrom。Itwasintherealmofforeignaffairsthatastartlingchangetookplace。
　　Blunt，forcible，outspokenarticlesappeared，couchedinlanguagewhichnearlyturnedtheautumnmanoeuvresofsiximportantPowersintomobilisations。WhateverelsetheDAILYINTELLIGENCERhadlearnedintheEast，ithadnotacquiredtheartofdiplomaticambiguity。Themaninthestreetenjoyedthearticlesandboughtthepaperashehadneverboughtitbefore；themeninDowningStreettookadifferentview。TheForeignSecretary，hithertoaccountedaratherreticentman，becamepositivelygarrulousinthecourseofperpetuallydisavowingthesentimentsexpressedintheDAILYINTELLIGENCER'S
　　leaders；andthenonedaytheGovernmentcametotheconclusionthatsomethingdefiniteanddrasticmustbedone。Adeputation，consistingofthePrimeMinister，theForeignSecretary，fourleadingfinanciers，andawell-knownNonconformistdivine，madeitswaytotheofficesofthepaper。Atthedoorleadingtotheeditorialdepartmentthewaywasbarredbyanervousbutdefiantoffice-boy。
　　"'Youcan'tseetheeditornoranyofthestaff，'
　　heannounced。
　　"'Weinsistonseeingtheeditororsomeresponsibleperson，'saidthePrimeMinister，andthedeputationforceditswayin。Theboyhadspokentruly；
　　therewasnoonetobeseen。Inthewholesuiteofroomstherewasnosignofhumanlife。
　　"'Whereistheeditor？''Ortheforeigneditor？'
　　'Orthechiefleader-writer？Oranybody？'
　　"Inanswertotheshowerofquestionstheboyunlockedadrawerandproducedastrange-lookingenvelope，whichboreaKhokandpostmark，andadateofsomesevenoreightmonthsback。Itcontainedascrapofpaperonwhichwaswrittenthefollowingmessage：
　　"'Entirepartycapturedbybrigandtribeonhomewardjourney。Quarterofmilliondemandedasransom，butwouldprobablytakeless。InformGovernment，relations，andfriends。'
　　"Therefollowedthesignaturesoftheprincipalmembersofthepartyandinstructionsastohowandwherethemoneywastobepaid。
　　"Theletterhadbeendirectedtotheoffice-boy-in-
　　charge，whohadquietlysuppressedit。Nooneisaherotoone'sownoffice-boy，andheevidentlyconsideredthataquarterofamillionwasanunwarrantableoutlayforsuchadoubtfullyadvantageousobjectastherepatriationofanerrantnewspaperstaff。Sohedrewtheeditorialandothersalaries，forgedwhatsignatureswerenecessary，engagednewreporters，didwhatsub-editinghecould，andmadeasmuchuseaspossibleofthelargeaccumulationofspecialarticlesthatwasheldinreserveforemergencies。Thearticlesonforeignaffairswereentirelyhisowncomposition。
　　"Ofcoursethewholethinghadtobekeptasquietaspossible；aninterimstaff，pledgedtosecrecy，wasappointedtokeepthepapergoingtillthepiningcaptivescouldbesoughtout，ransomed，andbroughthome，intwosandthreestoescapenotice，andgraduallythingswereputbackontheiroldfooting。Thearticlesonforeignaffairsrevertedtothewontedtraditionsofthepaper。"
　　"But，"interposedthenephew，"howonearthdidtheboyaccounttotherelativesallthosemonthsforthenon-appearance-"
　　"That，"saidSirLulworth，"wasthemostbrilliantstrokeofall。Tothewifeornearestrelativeofeachofthemissingmenheforwardedaletter，copyingthehandwritingofthesupposedwriteraswellashecould，andmakingexcusesaboutvilepensandink；ineachletterhetoldthesamestory，varyingonlythelocality，totheeffectthatthewriter，aloneofthewholeparty，wasunabletotearhimselfawayfromthewildlibertyandallurementsofEasternlife，andwasgoingtospendseveralmonthsroaminginsomeselectedregion。Manyofthewivesstartedoffimmediatelyinpursuitoftheirerranthusbands，andittooktheGovernmentaconsiderabletimeandmuchtroubletoreclaimthemfromtheirfruitlessquestsalongthebanksoftheOxus，theGobiDesert，theOrenburgsteppe，andotheroutlandishplaces。Oneofthem，Ibelieve，isstilllostsomewhereintheTigrisValley。"
　　"Andtheboy？"
　　"Isstillinjournalism。"
　　THEBYZANTINEOMELETTE
　　SOPHIECHATTEL-MONKHEIMwasaSocialistbyconvictionandaChattel-Monkheimbymarriage。Theparticularmemberofthatwealthyfamilywhomshehadmarriedwasrich，evenashisrelativescountedriches。
　　Sophiehadveryadvancedanddecidedviewsastothedistributionofmoney：itwasapleasingandfortunatecircumstancethatshealsohadthemoney。Whensheinveighedeloquentlyagainsttheevilsofcapitalismatdrawing-roommeetingsandFabianconferencesshewasconsciousofacomfortablefeelingthatthesystem，withallitsinequalitiesandiniquities，wouldprobablylasthertime。Itisoneoftheconsolationsofmiddle-agedreformersthatthegoodtheyinculcatemustliveafterthemifitistoliveatall。
　　Onacertainspringevening，somewheretowardsthedinner-hour，Sophiesattranquillybetweenhermirrorandhermaid，undergoingtheprocessofhavingherhairbuiltintoanelaboratereflectionoftheprevailingfashion。
　　Shewashedgedroundwithagreatpeace，thepeaceofonewhohasattainedadesiredendwithmucheffortandperseverance，andwhohasfounditstilleminentlydesirableinitsattainment。TheDukeofSyriahadconsentedtocomebeneathherroofasaguest，wasevennowinstalledbeneathherroof，andwouldshortlybesittingatherdining-table。AsagoodSocialist，Sophiedisapprovedofsocialdistinctions，andderidedtheideaofaprincelycaste，butifthereweretobetheseartificialgradationsofrankanddignityshewaspleasedandanxioustohaveanexaltedspecimenofanexaltedorderincludedinherhouse-party。Shewasbroad-mindedenoughtolovethesinnerwhilehatingthesin-notthatsheentertainedanywarmfeelingofpersonalaffectionfortheDukeofSyria，whowasacomparativestranger，butstill，asDukeofSyria，hewasvery，verywelcomebeneathherroof。Shecouldnothaveexplainedwhy，butnoonewaslikelytoaskherforanexplanation，andmosthostessesenviedher。
　　"Youmustsurpassyourselfto-night，Richardson，"
　　shesaidcomplacentlytohermaid；"Imustbelookingmyverybest。Wemustallsurpassourselves。"
　　Themaidsaidnothing，butfromtheconcentratedlookinhereyesandthedeftplayofherfingersitwasevidentthatshewasbesetwiththeambitiontosurpassherself。
　　Aknockcameatthedoor，aquietbutperemptoryknock，asofsomeonewhowouldnotbedenied。
　　"Goandseewhoitis，"saidSophie；"itmaybesomethingaboutthewine。"
　　Richardsonheldahurriedconferencewithaninvisiblemessengeratthedoor；whenshereturnedtherewasnoticeableacuriouslistlessnessinplaceofherhithertoalertmanner。
　　"Whatisit？"askedSophie。
　　"Thehouseholdservantshave'downedtools，'
　　madame，"saidRichardson。
　　"Downedtools！"exclaimedSophie；"doyoumeantosaythey'vegoneonstrike？"
　　"Yes，madame，"saidRichardson，addingtheinformation："It'sGasparethatthetroubleisabout。"
　　"Gaspare？"saidSophiewanderingly；"theemergencychef！Theomelettespecialist！"
　　"Yes，madame。Beforehebecameanomelettespecialisthewasavalet，andhewasoneofthestrike-
　　breakersinthegreatstrikeatLordGrimford'stwoyearsago。Assoonasthehouseholdstaffherelearnedthatyouhadengagedhimtheyresolvedto`downtools'asaprotest。Theyhaven'tgotanygrievanceagainstyoupersonally，buttheydemandthatGaspareshouldbeimmediatelydismissed。"
　　"But，"protestedSophie，"heistheonlymaninEnglandwhounderstandshowtomakeaByzantineomelette。
　　IengagedhimspeciallyfortheDukeofSyria'svisit，anditwouldbeimpossibletoreplacehimatshortnotice。IshouldhavetosendtoParis，andtheDukelovesByzantineomelettes。Itwastheonethingwetalkedaboutcomingfromthestation。"
　　"Hewasoneofthestrike-breakersatLordGrimford's，"reiteratedRichardson。
　　"Thisistooawful，"saidSophie；"astrikeofservantsatamomentlikethis，withtheDukeofSyriastayinginthehouse。Somethingmustbedoneimmediately。Quick，finishmyhairandI'llgoandseewhatIcandotobringthemround。"
　　"Ican'tfinishyourhair，madame，"saidRichardsonquietly，butwithimmensedecision。"IbelongtotheunionandIcan'tdoanotherhalf-minute'sworktillthestrikeissettled。I'msorrytobedisobliging。"
　　"Butthisisinhuman！"exclaimedSophietragically；
　　"I'vealwaysbeenamodelmistressandI'verefusedtoemployanybutunionservants，andthisistheresult。I
　　can'tfinishmyhairmyself；Idon'tknowhowto。WhatamItodo？It'swicked！"
　　"Wickedistheword，"saidRichardson；"I'magoodConservativeandI'venopatiencewiththisSocialistfoolery，askingyourpardon。It'styranny，that'swhatitis，allalongtheline，butI'vemylivingtomake，sameasotherpeople，andI'vegottobelongtotheunion。Icouldn'ttouchanotherhair-pinwithoutastrikepermit，notifyouwastodoublemywages。"
　　ThedoorburstopenandCatherineMalsomragedintotheroom。
　　"Here'saniceaffair，"shescreamed，"astrikeofhouseholdservantswithoutamoment'swarning，andI'mleftlikethis！Ican'tappearinpublicinthiscondition。"
　　AfteraveryhastyscrutinySophieassuredherthatshecouldnot。
　　"Havetheyallstruck？"sheaskedhermaid。
　　"Notthekitchenstaff，"saidRichardson，"theybelongtoadifferentunion。"
　　"Dinneratleastwillbeassured，"saidSophie，"thatissomethingtobethankfulfor。"
　　"Dinner！"snortedCatherine，"whatonearthisthegoodofdinnerwhennoneofuswillbeabletoappearatit？Lookatyourhair-andlookatme！orrather，don't。"
　　"Iknowit'sdifficulttomanagewithoutamaid；
　　can'tyourhusbandbeanyhelptoyou？"askedSophiedespairingly。
　　"Henry？He'sinworsecasethananyofus。Hismanistheonlypersonwhoreallyunderstandsthatridiculousnew-fangledTurkishbaththatheinsistsontakingwithhimeverywhere。"
　　"SurelyhecoulddowithoutaTurkishbathforoneevening，"saidSophie；"Ican'tappearwithouthair，butaTurkishbathisaluxury。"
　　"Mygoodwoman，"saidCatherine，speakingwithafearfulintensity，"Henrywasinthebathwhenthestrikestarted。Init，doyouunderstand？He'stherenow。"
　　"Can'thegetout？"
　　"Hedoesn'tknowhowto。Everytimehepullsthelevermarked'release'heonlyreleaseshotsteam。Therearetwokindsofsteaminthebath，'bearable'and'scarcelybearable'；hehasreleasedthemboth。BythistimeI'mprobablyawidow。"
　　"Isimplycan'tsendawayGaspare，"wailedSophie；
　　"Ishouldneverbeabletosecureanotheromelettespecialist。"
　　"AnydifficultythatImayexperienceinsecuringanotherhusbandisofcourseatriflebeneathanyone'sconsideration，"saidCatherinebitterly。
　　Sophiecapitulated。"Go，"shesaidtoRichardson，"andtelltheStrikeCommittee，orwhoeveraredirectingthisaffair，thatGaspareisherewithdismissed。AndaskGasparetoseemepresentlyinthelibrary，whenIwillpayhimwhatisduetohimandmakewhatexcusesIcan；
　　andthenflybackandfinishmyhair。"
　　SomehalfanhourlaterSophiemarshalledherguestsintheGrandSalonpreparatorytotheformalmarchtothedining-room。ExceptthatHenryMalsomwasoftheriperaspberrytintthatonesometimesseesatprivatetheatricalsrepresentingthehumancomplexion，therewaslittleoutwardsignamongthoseassembledofthecrisisthathadjustbeenencounteredandsurmounted。Butthetensionhadbeentoostupefyingwhileitlastednottoleavesomementaleffectsbehindit。Sophietalkedatrandomtoherillustriousguest，andfoundhereyesstrayingwithincreasingfrequencytowardsthegreatdoorsthroughwhichwouldpresentlycometheblessedannouncementthatdinnerwasserved。Nowandagainsheglancedmirror-wardatthereflectionofherwonderfullycoiffedhair，asaninsuranceunderwritermightgazethankfullyatanoverduevesselthathadriddensafelyintoharbourinthewakeofadevastatinghurricane。
　　Thenthedoorsopenedandthewelcomefigureofthebutlerenteredtheroom。Buthemadenogeneralannouncementofabanquetinreadiness，andthedoorsclosedbehindhim；hismessagewasforSophiealone。
　　"Thereisnodinner，madame，"hesaidgravely；"thekitchenstaffhave'downedtools。'GasparebelongstotheUnionofCooksandKitchenEmployees，andassoonastheyheardofhissummarydismissalatamoment'snoticetheystruckwork。Theydemandhisinstantreinstatementandanapologytotheunion。Imayadd，madame，thattheyareveryfirm；I'vebeenobligedeventohandbackthedinnerrollsthatwerealreadyonthetable。"
　　AfterthelapseofeighteenmonthsSophieChattel-
　　Monkheimisbeginningtogoaboutagainamongheroldhauntsandassociates，butshestillhastobeverycareful。Thedoctorswillnotletherattendanythingatallexciting，suchasadrawing-roommeetingoraFabianconference；itisdoubtful，indeed，whethershewantsto。
　　THEFEASTOFNEMESIS
　　"IT'SagoodthingthatSaintValentine'sDayhasdroppedoutofvogue，"saidMrs。Thackenbury；"whatwithChristmasandNewYearandEaster，nottospeakofbirthdays，therearequiteenoughremembrancedaysasitis。ItriedtosavemyselftroubleatChristmasbyjustsendingflowerstoallmyfriends，butitwouldn'twork；
　　Gertrudehaselevenhot-housesandaboutthirtygardeners，soitwouldhavebeenridiculoustosendflowerstoher，andMillyhasjuststartedaflorist'sshop，soitwasequallyoutofthequestionthere。ThestressofhavingtodecideinahurrywhattogivetoGertrudeandMillyjustwhenIthoughtI'dgotthewholequestionnicelyoffmymindcompletelyruinedmyChristmas，andthentheawfulmonotonyofthelettersofthanks：'Thankyousomuchforyourlovelyflowers。Itwassogoodofyoutothinkofme。'OfcourseinthemajorityofcasesIhadn'tthoughtabouttherecipientsatall；theirnamesweredowninmylistof'peoplewhomustnotbeleftout。'IfItrustedtorememberingthemtherewouldbesomeawfulsinsofomission。"
　　"Thetroubleis，"saidClovistohisaunt，"allthesedaysofintrusiveremembranceharpsopersistentlyononeaspectofhumannatureandentirelyignoretheother；thatiswhytheybecomesoperfunctoryandartificial。AtChristmasandNewYearyouareemboldenedandencouragedbyconventiontosendgushingmessagesofoptimisticgoodwillandservileaffectiontopeoplewhomyouwouldscarcelyasktolunchunlesssomeoneelsehadfailedyouatthelastmoment；ifyouaresuppingatarestaurantonNewYear'sEveyouarepermittedandexpectedtojoinhandsandsing'ForAuldLangSyne'withstrangerswhomyouhaveneverseenbeforeandneverwanttoseeagain。Butnolicenceisallowedintheoppositedirection。"
　　"Oppositedirection；whatoppositedirection？"
　　queriedMrs。Thackenbury。
　　"Thereisnooutletfordemonstratingyourfeelingstowardspeoplewhomyousimplyloathe。Thatisreallythecryingneedofourmoderncivilisation。Justthinkhowjollyitwouldbeifarecogniseddayweresetapartforthepayingoffofoldscoresandgrudges，adaywhenonecouldlayoneselfouttobegracefullyvindictivetoacarefullytreasuredlistof'peoplewhomustnotbeletoff。'IrememberwhenIwasataprivateschoolwehadoneday，thelastMondayofthetermIthinkitwas，consecratedtothesettlementoffeudsandgrudges；ofcoursewedidnotappreciateitasmuchasitdeserved，because，afterall，anydayofthetermcouldbeusedforthatpurpose。Still，ifonehadchastisedasmallerboyforbeingcheekyweeksbefore，onewasalwayspermittedonthatdaytorecalltheepisodetohismemorybychastisinghimagain。ThatiswhattheFrenchcallreconstructingthecrime。"
　　"Ishouldcallitreconstructingthepunishment，"
　　saidMrs。Thackenbury；"and，anyhow，Idon'tseehowyoucouldintroduceasystemofprimitiveschoolboyvengeanceintocivilisedadultlife。Wehaven'toutgrownourpassions，butwearesupposedtohavelearnedhowtokeepthemwithinstrictlydecorouslimits。"
　　"Ofcoursethethingwouldhavetobedonefurtivelyandpolitely，"saidClovis；"thecharmofitwouldbethatitwouldneverbeperfunctoryliketheotherthing。
　　Now，forinstance，yousaytoyourself：'ImustshowtheWebleyssomeattentionatChristmas，theywerekindtodearBertieatBournemouth，'andyousendthemacalendar，anddailyforsixdaysafterChristmasthemaleWebleyasksthefemaleWebleyifshehasrememberedtothankyouforthecalendaryousentthem。Well，transplantthatideatotheotherandmorehumansideofyournature，andsaytoyourself：'NextThursdayisNemesisDay；whatonearthcanIdotothoseodiouspeoplenextdoorwhomadesuchanabsurdfusswhenPingYangbittheiryoungestchild？'Thenyou'dgetupawfullyearlyontheallotteddayandclimboverintotheirgardenanddigfortrufflesontheirtenniscourtwithagoodgardeningfork，choosing，ofcourse，thatpartofthecourtthatwasscreenedfromobservationbythelaurelbushes。Youwouldn'tfindanytrufflesbutyouwouldfindagreatpeace，suchasnoamountofpresent-givingcouldeverbestow。"
　　"Ishouldn't，"saidMrs。Thackenbury，thoughherairofprotestsoundedabitforced；"Ishouldfeelratherawormfordoingsuchathing。"
　　"Youexaggeratethepowerofupheavalwhichawormwouldbeabletobringintoplayinthelimitedtimeavailable，"saidClovis；"ifyouputinastrenuoustenminuteswithareallyusefulfork，theresultoughttosuggesttheoperationsofanunusuallymasterfulmoleorabadgerinahurry。"
　　"TheymightguessIhaddoneit，"saidMrs。
　　Thackenbury。
　　"Ofcoursetheywould，"saidClovis；"thatwouldbehalfthesatisfactionofthething，justasyoulikepeopleatChristmastoknowwhatpresentsorcardsyou'vesentthem。Thethingwouldbemucheasiertomanage，ofcourse，whenyouwereonoutwardlyfriendlytermswiththeobjectofyourdislike。ThatgreedylittleAgnesBlaik，forinstance，whothinksofnothingbutherfood，itwouldbequitesimpletoaskhertoapicnicinsomewildwoodlandspotandloseherjustbeforelunchwasserved；whenyoufoundheragaineverymorseloffoodcouldhavebeeneatenup。"
　　"ItwouldrequirenoordinaryhumanstrategytoloseAgnesBlaikwhenluncheonwasimminent：infact，Idon'tbelieveitcouldbedone。"
　　"Thenhavealltheotherguests，peoplewhomyoudislike，andlosetheluncheon。Itcouldhavebeensentbyaccidentinthewrongdirection。"
　　"Itwouldbeaghastlypicnic，"saidMrs。
　　Thackenbury。
　　"Forthem，butnotforyou，"saidClovis；"youwouldhavehadanearlyandcomfortinglunchbeforeyoustarted，andyoucouldimprovetheoccasionbymentioningindetailtheitemsofthemissingbanquet-thelobsterNewburgandtheeggmayonnaise，andthecurrythatwastohavebeenheatedinachafing-dish。AgnesBlaikwouldbedeliriouslongbeforeyougottothelistofwines，andinthelongintervalofwaiting，beforetheyhadquiteabandonedhopeofthelunchturningup，youcouldinducethemtoplaysillygames，suchasthatidioticoneof'theLordMayor'sdinner-party，'inwhicheveryonehastochoosethenameofadishanddosomethingfutilewhenitiscalledout。Inthiscasetheywouldprobablyburstintotearswhentheirdishismentioned。Itwouldbeaheavenlypicnic。"
　　Mrs。Thackenburywassilentforamoment；shewasprobablymakingamentallistofthepeopleshewouldliketoinvitetotheDukeHumphreypicnic。Presentlysheasked："Andthatodiousyoungman，WaldoPlubley，whoisalwayscoddlinghimself-haveyouthoughtofanythingthatonecoulddotohim？"EvidentlyshewasbeginningtoseethepossibilitiesofNemesisDay。
　　"Iftherewasanythinglikeageneralobservanceofthefestival，"saidClovis，"Waldowouldbeinsuchdemandthatyouwouldhavetobespeakhimweeksbeforehand，andeventhen，iftherewereaneastwindblowingoracloudortwointheskyhemightbetoocarefulofhispreciousselftocomeout。Itwouldberatherjollyifyoucouldlurehimintoahammockintheorchard，justnearthespotwherethereisawasps'nesteverysummer。Acomfortablehammockonawarmafternoonwouldappealtohisindolenttastes，andthen，whenhewasgettingdrowsy，alightedfuseethrownintothenestwouldbringthewaspsoutinanindignantmass，andtheywouldsoonfinda'homeawayfromhome'onWaldo'sfatbody。Ittakessomedoingtogetoutofahammockinahurry。"
　　"Theymightstinghimtodeath，"protestedMrs。
　　Thackenbury。
　　"Waldoisoneofthosepeoplewhowouldbeenormouslyimprovedbydeath，"saidClovis；"butifyoudidn'twanttogoasfarasthat，youcouldhavesomewetstrawreadytohand，andsetitalightunderthehammockatthesametimethatthefuseewasthrownintothenest；
　　thesmokewouldkeepallbutthemostmilitantofthewaspsjustoutsidethestingingline，andaslongasWaldoremainedwithinitsprotectionhewouldescapeseriousdamage，andcouldbeeventuallyrestoredtohismother，kipperedalloverandswolleninplaces，butstillperfectlyrecognisable。"
　　"Hismotherwouldbemyenemyforlife，"saidMrs。
　　Thackenbury。
　　"ThatwouldbeonegreetinglesstoexchangeatChristmas，"saidClovis。
　　THEDREAMER
　　ITwastheseasonofsales。TheaugustestablishmentofWalpurgisandNettlepinkhadlowereditspricesforanentireweekasaconcessiontotradeobservances，muchasanArch-duchessmightprotestinglycontractanattackofinfluenzafortheunsatisfactoryreasonthatinfluenzawaslocallyprevalent。AdelaChemping，whoconsideredherselfinsomemeasuresuperiortotheallurementsofanordinarybargainsale，madeapointofattendingthereductionweekatWalpurgisandNettlepink's。
　　"I'mnotabargainhunter，"shesaid，"butIliketogowherebargainsare。"
　　Whichshowedthatbeneathhersurfacestrengthofcharacterthereflowedagraciousundercurrentofhumanweakness。
　　WithaviewtoprovidingherselfwithamaleescortMrs。Chempinghadinvitedheryoungestnephewtoaccompanyheronthefirstdayoftheshoppingexpedition，throwingintheadditionalallurementofacinematographtheatreandtheprospectoflightrefreshment。AsCyprianwasnotyeteighteenshehopedhemightnothavereachedthatstageinmasculinedevelopmentwhenparcel-carryingislookedonasathingabhorrent。
　　"Meetmejustoutsidethefloraldepartment，"shewrotetohim，"anddon'tbeamomentlaterthaneleven。"
　　Cyprianwasaboywhocarriedwithhimthroughearlylifethewonderinglookofadreamer，theeyesofonewhoseesthingsthatarenotvisibletoordinarymortals，andinveststhecommonplacethingsofthisworldwithqualitiesunsuspectedbyplainerfolk-theeyesofapoetorahouseagent。Hewasquietlydressed-thatsartorialquietudewhichfrequentlyaccompaniesearlyadolescence，andisusuallyattributedbynovel-writerstotheinfluenceofawidowedmother。Hishairwasbrushedbackinasmoothnessasofribbonseaweedandseamedwithanarrowfurrowthatscarcelyaimedatbeingaparting。Hisauntparticularlynotedthisitemofhistoiletwhentheymetattheappointedrendezvous，becausehewasstandingwaitingforherbare-headed。
　　"Whereisyourhat？"sheasked。
　　"Ididn'tbringonewithme，"hereplied。
　　AdelaChempingwasslightlyscandalised。
　　"YouarenotgoingtobewhattheycallaNut，areyou？"sheinquiredwithsomeanxiety，partlywiththeideathataNutwouldbeanextravagancewhichhersister'ssmallhouseholdwouldscarcelybejustifiedinincurring，partly，perhaps，withtheinstinctiveapprehensionthataNut，eveninitsembryostage，wouldrefusetocarryparcels。
　　Cyprianlookedatherwithhiswondering，dreamyeyes。
　　"Ididn'tbringahat，"hesaid，"becauseitissuchanuisancewhenoneisshopping；Imeanitissoawkwardifonemeetsanyoneoneknowsandhastotakeone'shatoffwhenone'shandsarefullofparcels。Ifonehasn'tgotahatononecan'ttakeitoff。"
　　Mrs。Chempingsighedwithgreatrelief；herworstfearhadbeenlaidatrest。
　　"Itismoreorthodoxtowearahat，"sheobserved，andthenturnedherattentionbrisklytothebusinessinhand。
　　"Wewillgofirsttothetable-linencounter，"shesaid，leadingthewayinthatdirection；"Ishouldliketolookatsomenapkins。"
　　ThewonderinglookdeepenedinCyprian'seyesashefollowedhisaunt；hebelongedtoagenerationthatissupposedtobeover-fondoftheroleofmerespectator，butlookingatnapkinsthatonedidnotmeantobuywasapleasurebeyondhiscomprehension。Mrs。Chempingheldoneortwonapkinsuptothelightandstaredfixedlyatthem，asthoughshehalfexpectedtofindsomerevolutionarycypherwrittenontheminscarcelyvisibleink；thenshesuddenlybrokeawayinthedirectionoftheglasswaredepartment。
　　"Millicentaskedmetogetheracoupleofdecantersiftherewereanygoingreallycheap，"sheexplainedontheway，"andIreallydowantasaladbowl。Icancomebacktothenapkinslateron。"
　　Shehandledandscrutinisedalargenumberofdecantersandalongseriesofsaladbowls，andfinallyboughtsevenchrysanthemumvases。
　　"Nooneusesthatkindofvasenowadays，"sheinformedCyprian，"buttheywilldoforpresentsnextChristmas。"
　　TwosunshadesthatweremarkeddowntoapricethatMrs。Chempingconsideredabsurdlycheapwereaddedtoherpurchases。
　　"OneofthemwilldoforRuthColson；sheisgoingouttotheMalayStates，andasunshadewillalwaysbeusefulthere。AndImustgethersomethinwritingpaper。Ittakesupnoroominone'sbaggage。"
　　Mrs。Chempingboughtstacksofwritingpaper；itwassocheap，anditwentsoflatinatrunkorportmanteau。
　　Shealsoboughtafewenvelopes-envelopessomehowseemedratheranextragavancecomparedwithnotepaper。
　　"DoyouthinkRuthwilllikeblueorgreypaper？"
　　sheaskedCyprian。
　　"Grey，"saidCyprian，whohadnevermettheladyinquestion。
　　"Haveyouanymauvenotepaperofthisquality？"
　　Adelaaskedtheassistant。
　　"Wehaven'tanymauve，"saidtheassistant，"butwe'vetwoshadesofgreenandadarkershadeofgrey。"
　　Mrs。Chempinginspectedthegreensandthedarkergrey，andchosetheblue。
　　"Nowwecanhavesomelunch，"shesaid。
　　Cyprianbehavedinanexemplaryfashionintherefreshmentdepartment，andcheerfullyacceptedafishcakeandamincepieandasmallcupofcoffeeasadequaterestorativesaftertwohoursofconcentratedshopping。Hewasadamant，however，inresistinghisaunt'ssuggestionthatahatshouldbeboughtforhimatthecounterwheremen'sheadwearwasbeingdisposedofattemptinglyreducedprices。
　　"I'vegotasmanyhatsasIwantathome，"hesaid，"andbesides，itrumplesone'shairso，tryingthemon。"
　　PerhapshewasgoingtodevelopintoaNutafterall。Itwasadisquietingsymptomthatheleftalltheparcelsinchargeofthecloak-roomattendant。
　　"Weshallbegettingmoreparcelspresently，"hesaid，"soweneednotcollectthesetillwehavefinishedourshopping。"
　　Hisauntwasdoubtfullyappeased；someofthepleasureandexcitementofashoppingexpeditionseemedtoevaporatewhenonewasdeprivedofimmediatepersonalcontactwithone'spurchases。
　　"I'mgoingtolookatthosenapkinsagain，"shesaid，astheydescendedthestairstothegroundfloor。
　　"Youneednotcome，"sheadded，asthedreaminglookintheboy'seyeschangedforamomentintooneofmuteprotest，"youcanmeetmeafterwardsinthecutlerydepartment；I'vejustrememberedthatIhaven'tacorkscrewinthehousethatcanbedependedon。"
　　Cyprianwasnottobefoundinthecutlerydepartmentwhenhisauntinduecoursearrivedthere，butinthecrushandbustleofanxiousshoppersandbusyattendantsitwasaneasymattertomissanyone。ItwasintheleathergoodsdepartmentsomequarterofanhourlaterthatAdelaChempingcaughtsightofhernephew，separatedfromherbyarampartofsuit-casesandportmanteauxandhemmedinbythejostlingcrushofhumanbeingsthatnowinvadedeverycornerofthegreatshoppingemporium。ShewasjustintimetowitnessapardonablebutratherembarrassingmistakeonthepartofaladywhohadwriggledherwaywithunstayabledeterminationtowardsthebareheadedCyprian，andwasnowbreathlesslydemandingthesalepriceofahandbagwhichhadtakenherfancy。
　　"Therenow，"exclaimedAdelatoherself，"shetakeshimforoneoftheshopassistantsbecausehehasn'tgotahaton。Iwonderithasn'thappenedbefore。"
　　Perhapsithad。Cyprian，atanyrate，seemedneitherstartlednorembarrassedbytheerrorintowhichthegoodladyhadfallen。Examiningtheticketonthebag，heannouncedinaclear，dispassionatevoice：
　　"Blackseal，thirty-fourshillings，markeddowntotwenty-eight。Asamatteroffact，weareclearingthemoutataspecialreductionpriceoftwenty-sixshillings。
　　Theyaregoingoffratherfast。"
　　"I'lltakeit，"saidthelady，eagerlydiggingsomecoinsoutofherpurse。
　　"Willyoutakeitasitis？"askedCyprian；"itwillbeamatterofafewminutestogetitwrappedup，thereissuchacrush。"
　　"Nevermind，I'lltakeitasitis，"saidthepurchaser，clutchinghertreasureandcountingthemoneyintoCyprian'spalm。
　　SeveralkindstrangershelpedAdelaintotheopenair。
　　"It'sthecrushandtheheat，"saidonesympathisertoanother；"it'senoughtoturnanyonegiddy。"
　　WhenshenextcameacrossCyprianhewasstandinginthecrowdthatpushedandjostledaroundthecountersofthebookdepartment。Thedreamlookwasdeeperthaneverinhiseyes。HehadjustsoldtwobooksofdevotiontoanelderlyCanon。
　　THEQUINCETREE
　　"I'VEjustbeentoseeoldBetsyMullen，"announcedVeratoheraunt，Mrs。BebberlyCumble；"sheseemsinratherabadwayaboutherrent。Sheowesaboutfifteenweeksofit，andsaysshedoesn'tknowwhereanyofitistocomefrom。"
　　"BetsyMullenalwaysisindifficultieswithherrent，andthemorepeoplehelpherwithitthelessshetroublesaboutit，"saidtheaunt。"Icertainlyamnotgoingtoassistheranymore。Thefactis，shewillhavetogointoasmallerandcheapercottage；thereareseveraltobehadattheotherendofthevillageforhalftherentthatsheispaying，orsupposedtobepaying，now。Itoldherayearagothatsheoughttomove。"
　　"Butshewouldn'tgetsuchanicegardenanywhereelse，"protestedVera，"andthere'ssuchajollyquincetreeinthecorner。Idon'tsupposethere'sanotherquincetreeinthewholeparish。Andshenevermakesanyquincejam；Ithinktohaveaquincetreeandnottomakequincejamshowssuchstrengthofcharacter。Oh，shecan'tpossiblymoveawayfromthatgarden。"
　　"Whenoneissixteen，"saidMrs。BebberlyCumbleseverely，"onetalksofthingsbeingimpossiblewhicharemerelyuncongenial。ItisnotonlypossiblebutitisdesirablethatBetsyMullenshouldmoveintosmallerquarters；shehasscarcelyenoughfurnituretofillthatbigcottage。"